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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha.

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Speaker 2: I'm welcome to.

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Speaker 3: Step On Never Told your production of iHeartRadio. Yes, we

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Speaker 3: are back with another classic. We are moving towards the

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Speaker 3: end of January, I believe as this comes out January

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Speaker 3: twenty twenty four, and we've been bringing back a lot

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Speaker 3: of classics around resolutions or just maybe things you might

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Speaker 3: want to change in the new year. And one of

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Speaker 3: them that came to mind for me, not that I

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Speaker 3: have anything going on around this, but was how to

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Speaker 3: break up with the friends?

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, because I think a.

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Speaker 3: Lot of times towards the end of the year, you

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Speaker 3: take stock of that in the beginning of the year

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Speaker 3: and what relationships are good for you and healthy for you.

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Speaker 3: And sometimes that can mean I'm making the decision to

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Speaker 3: either cut back on your hanging out with someone or

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Speaker 3: to cut it off completely, and that can be a

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Speaker 3: really hard, hard thing. But I do around this time,

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Speaker 3: I think I've heard friends of mine talking about it

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Speaker 3: and really wrestling with well, I don't know, maybe I

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Speaker 3: don't maybe we're not actually friends, Like maybe this isn't

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Speaker 3: a friendship at all. So for anyone who is dealing

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Speaker 3: with that, wrestling with that, please enjoy this classic episode. Hey,

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Speaker 3: this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Steph. I've

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Speaker 3: never told your production of iHeartRadio.

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Speaker 4: Oh Annie, I have a question for you. Okay, can

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Speaker 4: you tell me a time in your childhood you had

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Speaker 4: a friendship ending moment?

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Speaker 3: So the one that comes immediately to mind actually wasn't

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Speaker 3: a friendship ending moment for me, but one of my

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Speaker 3: best friends who's been on the show. Now, Katie, and

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Speaker 3: I have two best friends Katie, so that's very confusing.

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Speaker 3: But recently. Katie we grew up together. We were neighbors

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Speaker 3: and I loved hanging out with her.

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Speaker 1: She was friends with another Katie, my goodness.

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Speaker 3: Katie Jones, who was like a cool kid, and I

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Speaker 3: was very much not a cool kid at this point.

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Speaker 3: This was like third grade. I was cool up until

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Speaker 3: third grade, but then things changed. But they were both

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Speaker 3: at my house because Katie had come to visit my

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Speaker 3: friend Katie, and my friend Katie wanted to come hang

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Speaker 3: out with me. And I'm sorry this is so confusing,

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Speaker 3: but we were playing like that game of hop scotch

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Speaker 3: where you it's like a snail. I don't know if

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Speaker 3: anybody remembers that, but we loved playing it, and Katie

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Speaker 3: Jones reached her boiling point and said to my friend Katie, like,

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Speaker 3: I don't like this girl, Annie. You choose right here now,

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Speaker 3: which one of us is it gonna because I will

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Speaker 3: walk out of here right now, won't be friends anymore.

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Speaker 1: And I was kind of shocked because I didn't know

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Speaker 1: where this code.

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Speaker 2: Had come from.

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Speaker 3: But my friend Katie, she just continued to play the

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Speaker 3: game in silence, didn't say anything, and Katie Jones walked

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Speaker 3: away by herself.

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Speaker 1: And history was made.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, okay, it was pretty dramatic.

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Speaker 4: That is dramatic. I've never had a full fledged declaration. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: in giving you an ultimatum, wow, especially middle school.

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Speaker 1: That it was elementary school.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 1: And uh yeah.

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Speaker 3: They were not friends again after that, and things were

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Speaker 3: always awkward between me and Katie Jones. And we both

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Speaker 3: played clarinet and band. It was a little tense.

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Speaker 2: I love it. You gotta love to have competition, That's

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Speaker 2: what that is, right.

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Speaker 1: I was second chair, she was third.

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Speaker 2: Oh nice, when you would I did?

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Speaker 1: I did?

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Speaker 2: No, Yeah, I think I've had I had a few incidents.

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Speaker 4: I know I had one friend who was so bossy

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Speaker 4: that I Finally, I remember being on a swing set.

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Speaker 4: I just looked at her and yelled at her, stopped

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Speaker 4: telling me what to do, and walked off, and we

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Speaker 4: were never friends after that. It was weird because it

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Speaker 4: was more of like she was trying to get me

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Speaker 4: to talk.

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Speaker 2: To a boy and I didn't like that.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and that was kind of the end of the

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Speaker 4: friendship because I was like, I don't want to talk

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Speaker 4: to even though I'm pretty sure I would say annoying

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Speaker 4: one as a kid, But that's the one I can

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Speaker 4: remember more so than anything else.

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Speaker 2: And a lot of my friendships.

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Speaker 4: Didn't end because anything bad, but a lot of them

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Speaker 4: ended because they moved away or circumstances happened where we.

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Speaker 2: Changed an interest. But it was never like, oh, we

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Speaker 2: can't be friends that you think of.

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Speaker 1: I did have my other next door neighbor, Jordan.

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Speaker 3: She was a bit younger than me, and I kind

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Speaker 3: of resented her after a while because it was those

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Speaker 3: situation where we always carpolled together.

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Speaker 1: We did our mom's were friends.

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Speaker 3: And so it was just like convenience, and she spent

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Speaker 3: so much time at my house and we babysit her family,

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Speaker 3: and I really didn't like her brothers. I felt like

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Speaker 3: they were mean to my brother and they took advantage

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Speaker 3: of all of our stuff, Like we would be not

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Speaker 3: at home and we would come home and they were

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Speaker 3: like using all of our stuff and it bothered me. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: but I was I think looking back, I was kind

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Speaker 3: of controlling, but she was also kind of mean.

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Speaker 1: See, and I overheard her.

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Speaker 3: Talking about me on several occasions, and eventually I was like,

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Speaker 3: I don't think we're friends anymore. You know.

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Speaker 2: I had that too.

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Speaker 4: I had a friend that I was friends with her

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Speaker 4: for three or four years, but it was definitely one

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Speaker 4: of those friendships that I was.

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Speaker 2: Her psychic, if you know what I mean. Like she

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Speaker 2: would do.

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Speaker 4: All these things so I would have to hang out

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Speaker 4: with her to so she could hang out with this boy.

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Speaker 4: I would have to do this with her that she

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Speaker 4: would love. I didn't want to do, but I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 4: I'm here. And I remember her trying to get validation

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Speaker 4: and want to flirt with boys and that was fine.

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Speaker 4: That was just not something I want to do. And

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Speaker 4: I was very scared of boys at this point in time.

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Speaker 4: And I remember her making fun of me for that,

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Speaker 4: and I was like, look, just because you like being

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Speaker 4: with all the guys doesn't mean I want to. She

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Speaker 4: took that as me calling her a slut and told

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Speaker 4: her friends that I called her a slut, and so

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Speaker 4: like they completely heard that, and then I was judgmental

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Speaker 4: and I could hear them talking about me, and they

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Speaker 4: would gang up on me on the bus said by myself.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I was one of those stories.

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Speaker 4: We kept kind of in touch for the most part,

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Speaker 4: but we definitely because we were also different grades and

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Speaker 4: all of that, so that changed.

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Speaker 2: She got a car, I didn't get a car. I

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Speaker 2: had to work. She didn't have to work, so it

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Speaker 2: was all nice for her. But yeah, it was really

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Speaker 2: weird friendship.

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Speaker 4: I remember trying to figure out how like a man,

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Speaker 4: I was like, this is a bad teenage.

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Speaker 1: Movie, right right.

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Speaker 2: But yes, we've discussed.

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Speaker 4: I'm sure everybody's wondering while we're talking about this, and

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Speaker 4: we've discussed before the power of female friendship and the

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Speaker 4: power of platonic female connection, and honestly, it's something that's

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Speaker 4: been a comfort and a lot of big, big help.

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Speaker 2: In this last year.

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Speaker 4: Friendship is, by the way, defined by Mariam Webster as

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Speaker 4: the state of being friends or the quality or state

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Speaker 4: of being friendly, which I feel like that's not strong.

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Speaker 2: Enough of definition to me because I'm like friendship is

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Speaker 2: so powerful.

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Speaker 1: Maybe that's right.

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Speaker 3: It's almost like the acquaintance. Yes, I feel like there's

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Speaker 3: a bunch of levels of friends. You know, you've got

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Speaker 3: your inner circle friends, and then you've got kind of

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Speaker 3: your acquaintance friends, right, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you do.

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Speaker 4: That's like the best friend title. Who's the best friend?

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Speaker 4: Who's your crew?

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Speaker 2: Definitely a lot of title to that. And if you've

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Speaker 2: been a.

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Speaker 4: Listener of the show, I think you probably already know.

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Speaker 4: We are all about women supporting women, and about how

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Speaker 4: important it is to maintain friendships with other women. As

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Speaker 4: in fact, I've always been one of those who go

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Speaker 4: by the Leslie Nope motto of uterresses before duterises.

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Speaker 2: I mean that for anyone with a uterus.

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Speaker 4: And of course, one of my I think one of

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Speaker 4: my better qualities I don't know, is that I am

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Speaker 4: ridiculously loyal and I'm definitely one of those that you

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Speaker 4: just can't mess with my people. If you do, I'm

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Speaker 4: coming to get you real hard.

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Speaker 1: I would agree. I think you're very loyal. I think

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Speaker 1: you're a wonderful friend.

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Speaker 2: Oh, thank you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I one of.

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Speaker 3: The most fortunate areas I think in my life is

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Speaker 3: that I had really good and strong friendships with other

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Speaker 3: girls and women pretty much my entire life. And some

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Speaker 3: of those, you know, did fade away or turned out

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Speaker 3: to not work out for whatever reason. But I had

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Speaker 3: a core group of friends from high school and I'm

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Speaker 3: still really good friends with and we still see each other.

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Speaker 3: And then I have people from college, and then i

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Speaker 3: have people from work and like outside circles, and I

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Speaker 3: just think it's so whenever I'm thinking of.

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Speaker 1: Difficult situations and how do you get through.

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Speaker 3: It or what do you enjoy in life, it's almost

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Speaker 3: always like, oh, I have the support of my friends.

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Speaker 1: I have the support of this group of friends.

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Speaker 3: They're there for me, and they bring so much joy

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Speaker 3: and all so much support as well. And I know

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Speaker 3: people in my life who I'm close to who don't

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Speaker 3: have that, who don't have a strong support group of friends,

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Speaker 3: and I've just seen how lucky I am to have it,

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Speaker 3: like how difficult it can be without it.

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Speaker 1: So I am very much with you, Samantha.

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Speaker 3: I'm a huge proponent of friendships and especially among women,

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Speaker 3: And though we could continue to yes, sing the praises

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Speaker 3: of female friendship. We aren't talking about that necessarily today.

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Speaker 1: No, today we wanted to.

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Speaker 3: Take a look at the end of friendships and specifically

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Speaker 3: what happens when women stop being friends with other women.

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Speaker 1: And we need to go ahead and let you know.

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Speaker 1: I know that many of the.

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Speaker 3: Articles about that are heavily weighed down with a lot

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Speaker 3: of misogynistic language, a lot of stereotypical ideas of female

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Speaker 3: friends i e. Caddy, backstabbing, drama queen, and characteristics like that.

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Speaker 3: So though we may mention it, please take that with

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Speaker 3: a grain of salt.

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Speaker 4: Right, So, there are several reasons why a friendship will end.

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Speaker 4: We talked a little bit about it before in our

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Speaker 4: own personal experiences, and I'm sure we've all dealt with

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Speaker 4: it for some reason, but we wanted to look at

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Speaker 4: why and even when maybe we should go ahead and

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Speaker 4: just let it end.

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Speaker 1: Yes, And one of those things.

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Speaker 3: I've never heard of this before, but when I heard

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Speaker 3: the term, I was immediately like, oh, yeah, I know

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Speaker 3: what this is, and that's friendship fade. Yeah. So there

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Speaker 3: have been different reasons in ways to end a friendship,

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Speaker 3: and one of them is this one, which has been

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Speaker 3: more of a thing since the pandemic and lockdowns. I've

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Speaker 3: definitely heard people talk about it, like, you know who

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Speaker 3: your real friends are are, like the sticking friends I

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Speaker 3: feel like for me though, my experience has been there

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Speaker 3: so that I have faded, but I'm confident they're going

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Speaker 3: to come back right. Like we're just not hanging out

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Speaker 3: that much right now, and there's a lot of stress.

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Speaker 1: But I feel like if that eases.

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Speaker 4: We will hang out right And then just because it

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Speaker 4: happens doesn't mean it happens because it's something bad or

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Speaker 4: because you mean like you're being mean about it. It's

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Speaker 4: not always intended as negative.

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Speaker 2: I don't like you thing.

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Speaker 3: Right exactly, But okay, what exactly is friendship fade? According

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Speaker 3: to a Woman's Health article, friendship faid is the quote

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Speaker 3: feeling that your formally tight connections are disappearing at down

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Speaker 3: a pit of silence, just not gloomy at all. Of

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Speaker 3: silence sounds like a Dungeons and Dragon spell.

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Speaker 2: There you go, I silence.

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Speaker 3: But this is a bit different from the friendly fade,

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Speaker 3: which the Urban Dictionary defines as quote a passive aggressive

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Speaker 3: method to break up with a friend without being hurtful

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Speaker 3: or ghosting a friendship and we will come back to.

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Speaker 2: That, right.

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Speaker 4: So, not surprisingly, the pandemic has opened up the possibility

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Speaker 4: of this happening, and there could be so many reasons

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Speaker 4: outside of just being overwhelmed and panicked about the state

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Speaker 4: of the world, and for me specifically, one of the

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Speaker 4: reasons of the faith is due to the fact like

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Speaker 4: there's nothing new or really meaningful that's happening right now.

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Speaker 4: So I feel like when people ask me how are you,

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Speaker 4: I really have nothing to say other than eh, yeah.

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Speaker 2: You know, yeah.

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Speaker 4: My daily routine has come to the point that it

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Speaker 4: has become monotonous. Wake up, take out the dog, work, eat,

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Speaker 4: watch the same shows over and over again, and go

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Speaker 4: to bed again.

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Speaker 2: When someone asks what I've been doing? Is there anything

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Speaker 2: new going on with you? Literally, I'm like no.

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Speaker 3: My mom is the same, which is funny because as

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Speaker 3: the child, I feel like I'm the one always kind

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Speaker 3: of I don't do this anymore, but when I was younger,

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Speaker 3: I would dodge phone calls and stuff, and now I

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Speaker 3: get the feelings she's dodging by. And she told me

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Speaker 3: she's like, well, you know, I'm just not doing much.

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Speaker 3: I don't have much to talk about right, Yeah, that

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Speaker 3: makes sense, nor do I. And that's definitely something I've noticed,

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Speaker 3: especially in conversations with her, because it used to be

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Speaker 3: kind of I would come in and I'd be like.

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Speaker 1: Here's the fifteen thousand new things.

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Speaker 3: That have happened, and now it's sort of like, oh,

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Speaker 3: my shashido plant has red shasheetos on it. Now she

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Speaker 3: is exciting by the way, and especially in regards to

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Speaker 3: lockdowns and rules, people have been divided on how to

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Speaker 3: the letter, people may be following those rules and for

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Speaker 3: some that changed the way.

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Speaker 1: You vowed that friendship.

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Speaker 4: Yes, I mean sure, yes, I think we even had

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Speaker 4: so we just finally are getting to the point of

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Speaker 4: going out. We hung out with your co host from Saber, Lauren,

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Speaker 4: and she was talking about, you know, what she did

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Speaker 4: during the pandemic, and she made stay but of course

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Speaker 4: I think you and Annie had a little more stricter

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Speaker 4: lockdown follows and and we were like, yeah, and apparently

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Speaker 4: people have been going out and I'm like, oh, oh wow,

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Speaker 4: I didn't know that. And definitely when making plans it

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Speaker 4: was me, you my partner, that was it. And if

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Speaker 4: I wanted to make plans with someone, we made sure

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Speaker 4: that we had a two week quarantine check up. If

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Speaker 4: we need to make sure that the other person had

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Speaker 4: tested and let each other know what's going on, and

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Speaker 4: then we wouldn't hang out. Apparently not everyone's doing that,

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Speaker 4: and I think we had. Did we have a conversation, Yeah,

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Speaker 4: we had a conversation about the fact that we wanted

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Speaker 4: to invite certain people, but we were thinking, I don't

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Speaker 4: know if they're actually following the quarantine rules.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's been really tough for me and I imagine

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00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:40,280
Speaker 3: for a lot of people because it's not a shocking

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Speaker 3: thing to hear, Like I'm not I knew people were

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Speaker 3: doing that, but so I do get hurt by it

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Speaker 3: and I get a little mad about it. And honestly,

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Speaker 3: after we learned that when we were hanging out that time,

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Speaker 3: I went home and got really upset. Oh no, and

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Speaker 3: it's I had to think about why it was upsetting

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Speaker 3: me so much, and there's obviously something else going on there.

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Speaker 1: But it is.

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Speaker 3: It's an issue, and it's an issue where it's hard

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Speaker 3: not to have some sort of emotion one way or

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Speaker 3: the other where there's there's particularly in my case, I'm

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Speaker 3: thinking of one guy.

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Speaker 1: Who I know when I meet when we hang out.

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Speaker 3: It's going to become a point where he's going to

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Speaker 3: be like, I don't get why you were taking it

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Speaker 3: so seriously, and it's going to be hard for me

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Speaker 3: not to fight with this guy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I mean I could see that.

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Speaker 4: I mean definitely for me, a part of that whole,

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Speaker 4: like people getting together, was I felt left out. And

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Speaker 4: this is a fear of mine of being left out

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Speaker 4: and unwanted. And even though it absolutely was my role

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Speaker 4: and my choice, but hearing about the after fact, because

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Speaker 4: they knew where I stood.

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Speaker 2: And so therefore, of course I'm not gonna invite you

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Speaker 2: wouldn't have come.

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Speaker 1: Very true, very true.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I'm still hard by it. I'm still hard by it.

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Speaker 1: No, isn't that the kicker though? Where Yes, it's like.

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Speaker 3: You know that you would have said no, but you

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Speaker 3: want to be asked anywhere exactly.

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Speaker 2: I've said that to a group of friends previously.

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Speaker 4: I was like, I know I'm not coming, and i

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Speaker 4: know I'm having a hard time responding to things, but

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Speaker 4: please don't leave me out.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. No, I'm absolutely the same.

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Speaker 3: I think I'm glad I didn't know about this because

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Speaker 3: I would have been made Oh yeah, but in general,

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Speaker 3: I do like sometimes I just say yes because I'm

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Speaker 3: afraid they'll stop asking me to go out, right, But yeah,

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Speaker 3: that's definitely been the new waters to navigate when it

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Speaker 3: comes to friendships and ideas around quarantining and this whole pandemic,

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Speaker 3: because it's also it goes back to almost that awkward

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Speaker 3: the joke of the awkward conversations you have with people

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00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:52,360
Speaker 3: now where it's like, oh, what vaccine did you get? Oh? Right, right,

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Speaker 3: So it's kind of inevitably going to come up probably,

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Speaker 3: so it's just hard to avoid and it is people

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Speaker 3: have emotions and thoughts about.

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Speaker 2: It, they do, mm hmm.

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Speaker 3: And then there's also for women who have children and families,

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Speaker 3: perhaps just finding the time or energy to keep up

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Speaker 3: a friendship was too much.

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Speaker 1: Can totally see that.

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Speaker 3: Right, sounds exhausting, oh for sure, for sure, and many

357
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,480
Speaker 3: have suffered loss or tragedy, and that type of experience

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Speaker 3: can completely flip a person's desire to socialize or even

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Speaker 3: feel like they can reach out to someone. And yeah,

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00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:32,600
Speaker 3: that's that's another thing that I struggle with in friendships,

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Speaker 3: is being if I feel like I have something sad

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Speaker 3: or I guess just not even fun to talk about.

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Speaker 3: I don't feel like I can talk about it because

364
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,399
Speaker 3: I feel like they're going to be like, oh, this

365
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,400
Speaker 3: is awkward, and I don't want to be here right now.

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Speaker 3: I don't want to be talking about this right But

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00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,800
Speaker 3: that's what friendship is, as you're being open with people

368
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Speaker 3: and all of that, but especially when you think someone

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Speaker 3: else is struggling too, you don't want to add to

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Speaker 3: their struggles.

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Speaker 1: It has been a time of struggling.

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Speaker 4: And which we're going to talk about in the bit.

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Speaker 4: But yeah, I feel the same way, especially when I

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Speaker 4: had my previous jobs.

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Speaker 2: They were Debbie Downer jobs. To say the least.

376
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Speaker 4: I came in as d Debbie Downer of the group

377
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,520
Speaker 4: because if they asked me how my day went, Oh,

378
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Speaker 4: you don't want to ask me how my day went.

379
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,800
Speaker 4: You know, tragedies and the sadness that happened in my field,

380
00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:24,719
Speaker 4: the many losses that I had over the winds, and

381
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,920
Speaker 4: even my wins were sad. I remember I was trying

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Speaker 4: to explain to friends about something that was good, but

383
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,840
Speaker 4: in what that sounded like. But it's still a child

384
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,880
Speaker 4: that didn't have a parent and was going through loss.

385
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:41,160
Speaker 4: How is this good type of situation? And being told

386
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Speaker 4: to stop talking. That's so like it. I actually was

387
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,680
Speaker 4: shut down saying, really, you're going to talk about this now,

388
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Speaker 4: And I'm like, someone.

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Speaker 2: Just asked me how my day went, and this is

390
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Speaker 2: how my day went, and it.

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Speaker 4: Was a victory for me, even though to you it

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Speaker 4: sounds really sad because you don't want to talk about

393
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Speaker 4: children with loss, and I'm like, sorry, but yeah, that

394
00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:04,960
Speaker 4: taught me real quick. Oh, I can't talk to you,

395
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,359
Speaker 4: I can't be with you, I can't let you know

396
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,480
Speaker 4: what's going on because you don't want sad things.

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Speaker 2: And unfortunately, with my job, that's the majority of my stories.

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Speaker 1: Right, that was a very dramatical loo key out of

399
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Speaker 1: your face.

400
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,679
Speaker 3: I'm just saying, well, we do have some more we

401
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,000
Speaker 3: want to discuss, but first we have a quick break

402
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Speaker 3: for a word from our sponsor, and we're back.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. Sponsored.

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Speaker 4: What do you do if you have allowed the fade

405
00:19:45,359 --> 00:19:49,040
Speaker 4: to occur? I'm very very guilty of this, but want

406
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:49,760
Speaker 4: to snap back.

407
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:50,440
Speaker 2: It's time.

408
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:54,879
Speaker 4: It's time we come back, right, maybe, I think again,

409
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,199
Speaker 4: we've all been there. We get busy, overwhelmed, or just

410
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,879
Speaker 4: don't have the mental capacity to call someone or even text.

411
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,919
Speaker 4: But that's not because we don't want to. That's not

412
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,080
Speaker 4: because we're trying to stop a friendship or fade a friendship.

413
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:11,400
Speaker 4: It just happens. Life happens, So what can we do

414
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:12,280
Speaker 4: to change that?

415
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,520
Speaker 3: Well, first and foremost, be gentle with yourself and with

416
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,840
Speaker 3: your friends. It might have been a few days or

417
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,119
Speaker 3: weeks ever since you've heard from your people, But just

418
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:24,479
Speaker 3: like us, they are going through the hardships of the

419
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,640
Speaker 3: currency of the world. But what if they are going

420
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,760
Speaker 3: through other things as well?

421
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:29,560
Speaker 1: That's right.

422
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,080
Speaker 4: And I don't know how many times I've been depressed

423
00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:34,920
Speaker 4: or completely exhausted, and I'm thinking, why aren't people checking

424
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,119
Speaker 4: up on me? Why can't they read my mind? I

425
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,600
Speaker 4: know I need them to check it up on me.

426
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,000
Speaker 4: But then to realize maybe they're feeling the exact same thing,

427
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,440
Speaker 4: or maybe they're going through something even harder, like those

428
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:49,639
Speaker 4: moments of feeling like you're being neglected, you're also neglecting others.

429
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,240
Speaker 4: You never know what's happening.

430
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:52,679
Speaker 2: And just as simple.

431
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:54,920
Speaker 4: Hello, And usually for me that's a gift of like, hey,

432
00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:57,760
Speaker 4: you know, I think my favorite one is the there's

433
00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:01,880
Speaker 4: a seal that runs up and does a wave. Okay, no, hello,

434
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,560
Speaker 4: I love it, and that can change things that could

435
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,680
Speaker 4: just be as simple I'm here, I'm check it up

436
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,680
Speaker 4: without having to be too invasive, and it doesn't take

437
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:14,200
Speaker 4: that much time because again, we never know to maybe

438
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 4: in the same place, and that miscommunication of who's going

439
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:20,400
Speaker 4: to be the one that reaches out, yeah, causes.

440
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:20,680
Speaker 2: A kind of friction.

441
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:22,959
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.

442
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:27,280
Speaker 3: I had a friend who we actually sat down and

443
00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:33,280
Speaker 3: talked about this because she was fundamentally misunderstanding and I

444
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:37,080
Speaker 3: was fundamentally misunderstanding where both of us were coming from

445
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,399
Speaker 3: because I was struggling with insecurity and I still do

446
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,920
Speaker 3: where I don't want to be annoying or bother people, right,

447
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:47,000
Speaker 3: So sometimes that means I won't reach out because I

448
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,119
Speaker 3: don't want to bother people. But to her that was

449
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:54,360
Speaker 3: reading as she's not reaching out, right, So there's that,

450
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:58,280
Speaker 3: and then I do. I very vividly remember in college

451
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,960
Speaker 3: having the realization of even people who look like they're

452
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,679
Speaker 3: so put together in quotes and everything's fine, Yeah, you

453
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,000
Speaker 3: don't know what they're dealing with.

454
00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:10,760
Speaker 1: You really don't unless you check or ask, right.

455
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,359
Speaker 3: I used to have I don't necessarily think this was

456
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,280
Speaker 3: a super healthy thing either, but I used to have

457
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,359
Speaker 3: what I called the list of don't neglect, and I

458
00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:21,080
Speaker 3: would have people it was just this list.

459
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,399
Speaker 1: I'm like, check in on these people.

460
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,680
Speaker 3: And I would go through the list, you know, every

461
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:27,080
Speaker 3: couple of days, just to make sure.

462
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,480
Speaker 2: Keep in mind on that list.

463
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,480
Speaker 1: Well, I don't do it anymore. This was in.

464
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,439
Speaker 3: This was like when I first graduated college, and I

465
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,480
Speaker 3: mean it was such a like anything to do where

466
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,840
Speaker 3: I took something that should be fun and it became

467
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,800
Speaker 3: much more of like a to do list and a stress.

468
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,160
Speaker 1: So I stopped doing it.

469
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:51,080
Speaker 3: But smart, Yeah, but yeah, I have those people in mind,

470
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:52,640
Speaker 3: and it doesn't have to be big, like you said,

471
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,919
Speaker 3: it can just be you know, hey, I saw this

472
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:59,960
Speaker 3: and thought of you. And if they don't respond, that's cool.

473
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 3: They'll respond when they can, hopefully. And yeah, it's a

474
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,760
Speaker 3: simple a simple hello. It can work whether it's through

475
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:12,639
Speaker 3: a text, a phone call, Marco Polo, whatever way you know,

476
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,480
Speaker 3: whatever way you typically communicate with your friend, or sometimes

477
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,480
Speaker 3: it's fun to mix it up. Just a simple connection

478
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:22,560
Speaker 3: can really do wonders. And yeah, I remember, your friendship

479
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,280
Speaker 3: is the ability to just be yourself with someone.

480
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:25,960
Speaker 2: Right.

481
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,399
Speaker 4: One thing my friends and I would always laugh about

482
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:31,000
Speaker 4: because I don't know there's an inside joke about just

483
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,280
Speaker 4: the fact that I'm always sleepy.

484
00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:34,840
Speaker 2: I'm always sleepy, I just am. And you know this,

485
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:36,119
Speaker 2: that we can.

486
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,679
Speaker 4: Just be around each other and take a nap, and

487
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,720
Speaker 4: that's true friendship. Like we would say, two friends nap together,

488
00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:44,880
Speaker 4: and I thought it was hilarious. But the overall ability

489
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,159
Speaker 4: is that we can just be there without having to

490
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:50,199
Speaker 4: entertain one another. And that was okay, that's fine. We

491
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,000
Speaker 4: can do our own thing, but just be in each

492
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:52,560
Speaker 4: other's space.

493
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:53,760
Speaker 2: That's nice.

494
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,680
Speaker 1: Yeah. I had my other friend Katie.

495
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,719
Speaker 3: We had a standing nap time on Fridays at three pm.

496
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,680
Speaker 1: We would take naps together.

497
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,320
Speaker 4: And guy, look, when you get to the point where

498
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,080
Speaker 4: you're super busy but you're trying to neglect your friendship,

499
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:11,200
Speaker 4: you come together and you realize, oh my gosh, I'm

500
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,159
Speaker 4: so tired, and the other person's like, yeah, me too.

501
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,040
Speaker 4: I'm like, you know what, let's just close their eyes.

502
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:19,440
Speaker 4: There's fifteen minute breaks, how about. Yeah, there's something delightful

503
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:19,800
Speaker 4: to that.

504
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:24,320
Speaker 3: It is because you're trusting someone with your kind of

505
00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 3: like vulnerable, sleepy, not real interesting self at the moment.

506
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:34,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I love and you're you're one of these transmitted.

507
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,679
Speaker 3: But I love when you have a friendship where you

508
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:39,200
Speaker 3: can kind of do your own thing. Like somebody will

509
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:43,080
Speaker 3: be working on like one friend she sketches a lot

510
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,040
Speaker 3: when we hang out while I'm like working on Dungeons

511
00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:47,720
Speaker 3: and No Dragons or fan fiction.

512
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,360
Speaker 1: And we're together and we'll occasionally talk to each other.

513
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,080
Speaker 3: It could be really short and easy going, but it's

514
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,320
Speaker 3: not like we're doing something very exciting. It's kind of

515
00:24:56,400 --> 00:25:00,320
Speaker 3: separate but together. But there is, yeah, that camaraderie.

516
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,120
Speaker 2: There there is. I think there's something nice to that.

517
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:06,000
Speaker 4: Yes, And then also you can be thoughtful and romantic

518
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,239
Speaker 4: with your friends and and you're really great at this.

519
00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:11,280
Speaker 4: And when I say that, giving small gifts or large

520
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,680
Speaker 4: ones sometimes for no reason just to say I'm thinking

521
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,159
Speaker 4: about you. I saw this and thought about you is

522
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,000
Speaker 4: really really nice.

523
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, and thank you for saying that you are too.

524
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:26,040
Speaker 3: I do. It sounds really cheesy, but I get these

525
00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 3: moments of just like such pure warm love for friends,

526
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,560
Speaker 3: or like I've got to do something for this person, right,

527
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,959
Speaker 3: and it just gets in my head and I'll do

528
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:39,040
Speaker 3: I'll send like a silly video or y'all, I'll get

529
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:42,040
Speaker 3: a gift. But I just get like overwhelmed with love

530
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,480
Speaker 3: for someone and I want to do something. And there

531
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:49,159
Speaker 3: have been so many different occasions when someone has just

532
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:52,199
Speaker 3: needed to talk or feel loved, and giving small tokens

533
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,400
Speaker 3: or small gifts is such an amazing thing to do

534
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,960
Speaker 3: to show that thoughtfulness goes a long way. And I mean,

535
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,880
Speaker 3: it's wonderful to get gifts when you but it's also

536
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,760
Speaker 3: lovely to get something when you're not. It doesn't have

537
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:05,679
Speaker 3: to be even a gift, like like I said, I

538
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,240
Speaker 3: used to do. I used to do a lot of

539
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:08,600
Speaker 3: funny videos or something.

540
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 4: Right, Yes, you definitely did one for me. I did,

541
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,000
Speaker 4: and you know what, because of we were using the

542
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:16,040
Speaker 4: word romantic. This is also one of those that are

543
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:19,160
Speaker 4: usually typically done by women. You don't see many male

544
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:20,520
Speaker 4: friends giving each other things.

545
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,440
Speaker 2: I know. That was a whole shtick and New Girl.

546
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,879
Speaker 4: In which Schmidt gives his friend Nick a cookie and

547
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:29,240
Speaker 4: he just and Nick is very suspicious.

548
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,720
Speaker 2: He's like, why why are you giving me this cookie?

549
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 3: Why?

550
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:34,840
Speaker 4: It was a whole episode based on the fact that

551
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:37,840
Speaker 4: their thoughtfulness and he's like, men don't give each other gifts.

552
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 2: Men don't do these things.

553
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:43,000
Speaker 4: And it's typically correct that I've only seen men give

554
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,800
Speaker 4: the romantic partners a gift, but to give to each

555
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:50,920
Speaker 4: other it seems so unugal, right, that makes me said

556
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:51,680
Speaker 4: that they're messing out.

557
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, it can be such a lovely, lovely thing.

558
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:56,600
Speaker 2: Yeah it is.

559
00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:02,160
Speaker 4: But maybe you're good without that particular friendship anymore.

560
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, then that's okay. That's okay too.

561
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:07,920
Speaker 4: Maybe that friendship wasn't what you really needed, or maybe

562
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:09,640
Speaker 4: it's no longer what you need, or some of those

563
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,159
Speaker 4: differences that we talked about are too big and it

564
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:16,240
Speaker 4: causes conflict and it maybe it's not a balanced friendship

565
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:17,119
Speaker 4: to begin with.

566
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,880
Speaker 2: So let's talk about that.

567
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:25,719
Speaker 3: Yes, okay, So when is a friendship unhealthy? We wanted

568
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:30,240
Speaker 3: to look into when a friendship is not an actual friendship.

569
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:34,199
Speaker 3: So yes, let's start with toxic friendships. Toxic friendship is

570
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:37,840
Speaker 3: something that causes a negative impact on your life. They

571
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,719
Speaker 3: never give support or compassion in your life. They are

572
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:46,640
Speaker 3: typically draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and unequal and again from

573
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:51,120
Speaker 3: Urban Dictionary, these so called friends often backstab, gossip, lie,

574
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 3: act selfish, use, belittle, and even manipulate, and are taking

575
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,320
Speaker 3: more than giving back to the friendship. Sadness and resentment

576
00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,880
Speaker 3: is felt towards the toxic friends. Breaking away from these

577
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,560
Speaker 3: toxic friends is a must. And you probably all heard

578
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:07,560
Speaker 3: terms like emotional vampire or energy vampire as well, which

579
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:11,680
Speaker 3: doesn't necessarily have to be a friend, but often goes

580
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:13,480
Speaker 3: into this whole thing.

581
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:15,879
Speaker 4: Right, So we did want to talk about some of

582
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,240
Speaker 4: the warning signs, and they're a lot more out there.

583
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 4: There are a lot more articles that you can look

584
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 4: at that give you specific maybe actions that are taking place.

585
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:26,720
Speaker 4: But we just to do a few of those warning signs,

586
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:28,120
Speaker 4: and one of them.

587
00:28:28,119 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 2: Is that they always put you down.

588
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,000
Speaker 4: So of course I'm not necessarily talking about every once

589
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,760
Speaker 4: in a while just a friendly jab where you tease

590
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 4: each other and move on.

591
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:37,000
Speaker 2: Which I think I've done to you.

592
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:41,920
Speaker 4: Yes, But if it's something that's not only causes you

593
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,760
Speaker 4: to feel bad about yourself, or something that causes your embarrassment,

594
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,360
Speaker 4: maybe you should rethink this friendship and.

595
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:49,120
Speaker 2: What it's about.

596
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,800
Speaker 4: An example that I think of on the top of

597
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:54,240
Speaker 4: my head is the Mean Girls movie where poor Gretchen

598
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:57,680
Speaker 4: just constantly gets yelled at by Regina and put down

599
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,920
Speaker 4: constantly about being told that her ideas are and everything

600
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,400
Speaker 4: she's doing is not as good as her that would

601
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 4: be one of those put down not good friendships right.

602
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:11,600
Speaker 3: Another sign is crossing boundaries. Do they make you uncomfortable?

603
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,160
Speaker 3: Do they keep pushing you to do things you don't

604
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 3: want to do, or they don't listen when you let

605
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:18,960
Speaker 3: them know you don't like something or don't want to

606
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:20,600
Speaker 3: be a part of something.

607
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 1: That is a sign. Another one is takers.

608
00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:27,600
Speaker 3: Those friends who use you for what you have, constantly

609
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:31,440
Speaker 3: coming to complain and need advice, but their chicken on

610
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:33,920
Speaker 3: you are see how you are doing.

611
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 4: Right, And then there's a non supporter. We all have dreams,

612
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,320
Speaker 4: of course and goals and we definitely need help sometimes,

613
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,160
Speaker 4: whether it's someone who would call just to see how

614
00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:44,200
Speaker 4: you're doing that day or how are you doing with things,

615
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:46,600
Speaker 4: or those who just show up for you for moral support.

616
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:49,120
Speaker 4: But if someone is not doing this but you're constantly

617
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 4: doing that for them, that's not someone you want to

618
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 4: be around. That's not someone who is a good friend,

619
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:56,880
Speaker 4: someone who if you're trying to do something new me

620
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 4: I was trying to knit, you're very supportive and I

621
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:02,600
Speaker 4: really appreciate that as where those non supportive would probably

622
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 4: go ahead and talk down on you and ask you

623
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:04,720
Speaker 4: why you're doing it.

624
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:06,960
Speaker 2: And you're going to fail. Those are people you don't

625
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:08,040
Speaker 2: want to be around.

626
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:12,600
Speaker 3: Yes, Yes, And when you get older and you look

627
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:15,440
Speaker 3: back on how behaviors you had when you were younger,

628
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:19,200
Speaker 3: there were some like I've really been working on, where

629
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:19,880
Speaker 3: I would.

630
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,240
Speaker 1: Get jealous of friends.

631
00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:24,440
Speaker 3: I would get jealous if I thought like they were,

632
00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:27,560
Speaker 3: you know, having a better life or whatever, being cooler,

633
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,360
Speaker 3: And it was really hard for me to not like

634
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:33,400
Speaker 3: say something kind of snarky to work about it, or

635
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:35,840
Speaker 3: something kind of a put down. And that's been something

636
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 3: I've recognized and I've like actively tried to work on

637
00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:41,120
Speaker 3: as I've gotten older. And that's something to keep in

638
00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:43,760
Speaker 3: mind too, is to look for those things in yourself,

639
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:46,400
Speaker 3: and especially if you have a friend who says something

640
00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:49,760
Speaker 3: about it, you should examine that thing, right.

641
00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:53,640
Speaker 1: And I have an.

642
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:54,720
Speaker 3: Instance of two friends in my life who were both

643
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:57,520
Speaker 3: my best friends, and they had a huge fight in

644
00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,000
Speaker 3: college and they have not made up.

645
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:01,719
Speaker 1: One of them wants to and the other one doesn't.

646
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,360
Speaker 3: But it's also complicated because they're both my friends, and

647
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:06,880
Speaker 3: I've heard both of their sides of it, and I

648
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:10,680
Speaker 3: get both of their sides of it, and you know,

649
00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:13,720
Speaker 3: you can't force someone if they're not ready to be

650
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:15,640
Speaker 3: your friend again, then that's that's that.

651
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:16,120
Speaker 2: That's it.

652
00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:19,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, it sucks, but yeah, would I would just also

653
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,920
Speaker 3: keep in mind your own behaviors and friendships as well, exactly.

654
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 1: M hmm.

655
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:29,120
Speaker 3: There's also something called co rumination. Co Rumination is defined

656
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:32,600
Speaker 3: as quote extensive and frequent discussion, speculation, and focus on

657
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:37,000
Speaker 3: negative feelings related to personal problems with close friends or friends.

658
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:40,360
Speaker 3: That's from the National Institute of Health. It usually involves

659
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,600
Speaker 3: the constant discussion and rehashing of the same problems and

660
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:47,760
Speaker 3: often includes focusing on quote causes, implications, and negative feelings

661
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 3: around that problem. So think of when you were going

662
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 3: through a bad breakup and you went to your closest

663
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:56,760
Speaker 3: friends to talk about all the whise what went wrongs

664
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:58,240
Speaker 3: and how things could have changed.

665
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:01,280
Speaker 4: So, yeah, this is actually we need to watch this.

666
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:04,120
Speaker 4: I'm thinking about a Sex in the City episode where

667
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:09,240
Speaker 4: specifically Carrie cannot stop talking about Big at that point

668
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:11,440
Speaker 4: they'd broken up for the second time, and she goes

669
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:14,280
Speaker 4: on and on and on and on to the point

670
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:18,280
Speaker 4: that her three friends intervene and say, Okay, this is

671
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:21,120
Speaker 4: a big, big intervention because you know he was called

672
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:23,960
Speaker 4: Big because we cannot deal with this, that we cannot

673
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:27,000
Speaker 4: keep talking about all the negatives you're bringing everyone down,

674
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:28,800
Speaker 4: and not that we don't want to talk about it,

675
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:33,400
Speaker 4: but we've given you the weak, long allowance of doing so,

676
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:36,240
Speaker 4: and you keep repeating the same thing and it's becoming

677
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 4: really negative for you as well as for us. And

678
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:42,840
Speaker 4: they were like, you need a therapist, and apparently they're like,

679
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:44,320
Speaker 4: you know, we have the same.

680
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 2: Issues too, and we don't know what to do.

681
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:48,880
Speaker 4: This is why we have therapists, because we need someone

682
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 4: else to give us an unbiased opinion instead of yeah,

683
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 4: that dude's a dick, which that dude was a dick.

684
00:32:57,760 --> 00:32:58,920
Speaker 2: Anyway, just go to there.

685
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:01,560
Speaker 4: But yeah, So, of course talking with our friends and

686
00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:04,760
Speaker 4: really letting go when working through things isn't a bad thing,

687
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:06,800
Speaker 4: as in fact, one of the things I cherish most

688
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:09,720
Speaker 4: is being able to completely be honest about all my

689
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:13,520
Speaker 4: hurts and insecurities and having friends comfort me or shake

690
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:16,440
Speaker 4: me out of it, like I really need that reality check.

691
00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:19,480
Speaker 4: So co ruminating can be a function of bonding for

692
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:22,760
Speaker 4: many friends and can in the long run benefit in

693
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:25,760
Speaker 4: a higher relationship satisfaction. And this is according to a

694
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:29,120
Speaker 4: study completed by the Oklahoma State University. Not only that,

695
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,840
Speaker 4: but the quality of the relationship and social support are

696
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 4: also higher for those who co ruminate. So not all

697
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:38,320
Speaker 4: bad thing. And apparently this is only typically seen in

698
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 4: friendships with women. So men don't co ruminate, according to

699
00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:45,600
Speaker 4: the statistic, with their male friends. It's not something that

700
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:48,040
Speaker 4: they do. They don't sit and empathize with each other,

701
00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:50,320
Speaker 4: which we kind of talked about a little before, but

702
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:52,880
Speaker 4: they specifically said.

703
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:54,440
Speaker 2: This is not a thing that happens with men.

704
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:59,200
Speaker 1: Wow. Yeah, yeah. However, there is some bad.

705
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,960
Speaker 3: It's not all good because co ruminating is essentially sharing

706
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 3: and feeling each other's stress and anxiety, and it can

707
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 3: become a negative cycle and once you feed off each

708
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:11,640
Speaker 3: other's stressors, causing a higher stress synchronicity that can also

709
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:16,120
Speaker 3: trigger other mental health issues like depression. Psychologists Amanda Rose

710
00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:19,120
Speaker 3: found when women co ruminate, they were quote more susceptible

711
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 3: to emotional disorders. And with that, if your friendship is

712
00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:24,840
Speaker 3: based on shared pain or bad experiences, there's a danger

713
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:27,839
Speaker 3: that you quote might start manufacturing that pain to keep

714
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:31,640
Speaker 3: the relationship going, and doing so can lead to a

715
00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:36,440
Speaker 3: quote elevated risk of depression and anxiety. If these friendships

716
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,239
Speaker 3: are dependent on only the bad and painful things in

717
00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:42,759
Speaker 3: the relationship, perhaps it's time to reflect on if that

718
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:44,280
Speaker 3: relationship is healthy.

719
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:48,200
Speaker 4: And there are examples specifically through people who were talking

720
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,040
Speaker 4: about they actually really thrived on when their friends were

721
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:53,880
Speaker 4: going through bad things and were excited by that and

722
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 4: was wanting to be the go person. And you know,

723
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 4: the co ruminating part is a little too real for

724
00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:01,920
Speaker 4: me feel I felt other attacked reading this. I'm not

725
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:04,000
Speaker 4: gonna lie because I want to be a go to

726
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:05,000
Speaker 4: person for people.

727
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,879
Speaker 2: That's kind of the thing. I think that's part of.

728
00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:11,319
Speaker 4: My whole caregiver mentality that I really want to be

729
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,880
Speaker 4: there for you, and so knowing that you trust me

730
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:17,040
Speaker 4: enough to come to me in these dark times, yeah,

731
00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:20,120
Speaker 4: feels so rewarding that it's like, yeah, it kind of

732
00:35:20,239 --> 00:35:23,839
Speaker 4: does feed into I know I'm needed, and therefore I'm

733
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,240
Speaker 4: going to keep being needed by being this person.

734
00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:28,560
Speaker 2: And maybe if you have these traumas then.

735
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,279
Speaker 4: This is good for me, right, but it is it's

736
00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:33,600
Speaker 4: really unhealthy when you take on too much. I remember

737
00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 4: there was one point where two of my closest friends

738
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 4: were going through really really hard things and I was

739
00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:41,239
Speaker 4: crying and upset about it later on to the point

740
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:44,319
Speaker 4: that I realized that I was in pain because they

741
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:46,160
Speaker 4: were in such pain that I felt like I couldn't

742
00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:48,880
Speaker 4: be happy. Right, it was a weird thing, and they

743
00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:51,319
Speaker 4: weren't doing that on purpose. And please understand, these two

744
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:53,279
Speaker 4: friends are the best friends that I've had, and I

745
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:54,839
Speaker 4: could do the same with them, and I have done

746
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,440
Speaker 4: the same with them, but because of what was happening

747
00:35:57,800 --> 00:35:59,759
Speaker 4: that it was so intense, because it just felt like

748
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:02,560
Speaker 4: every body was falling apart, that I didn't have the

749
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:03,920
Speaker 4: right to be okay.

750
00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:07,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, and whereas I like, on the other hand, I'm

751
00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:10,440
Speaker 3: someone who struggles with like everything has to be even,

752
00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:14,640
Speaker 3: and so I've already and this is such a terrible thing,

753
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:17,440
Speaker 3: but I've already been like, here are the people who

754
00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:19,440
Speaker 3: were really there for me when my dad died, so

755
00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:25,200
Speaker 3: when their parents died, to really be there, which is awful,

756
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,279
Speaker 3: Like I want to be there for them, but it's

757
00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:30,280
Speaker 3: just one of those things where it's like, already stressing

758
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,280
Speaker 3: me out right, that happened.

759
00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:35,120
Speaker 2: Yet you're like, who do I owe?

760
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:38,440
Speaker 3: Yep, yep, And again, that's not what friendship is. That's

761
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 3: what it's about. You should try to be as like

762
00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:44,920
Speaker 3: equal as possible in giving and receiving. But it's not

763
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,840
Speaker 3: like a book, right, It's not like a debt sheet

764
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:50,120
Speaker 3: that you need to keep track of. I mean, you

765
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:52,680
Speaker 3: should keep in mind if one person is doing a

766
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:55,040
Speaker 3: lot more than the other, But in general it evens

767
00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:55,960
Speaker 3: out right.

768
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:58,560
Speaker 4: Right, you know, a true friendship you do for each

769
00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:01,480
Speaker 4: other without thinking about that because it's automatic. It's easy

770
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:03,680
Speaker 4: from both them so for sure. And you know, I

771
00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:07,160
Speaker 4: never really knew the term co ruminating, so.

772
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,640
Speaker 2: It's like, oh, oh, that's what that is.

773
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,400
Speaker 4: Grow So there's something to think on, for sure. But

774
00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:16,000
Speaker 4: to go a little deeper than just co ruminating and

775
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:18,920
Speaker 4: toxic friendships, we did want to talk a little bit

776
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:23,480
Speaker 4: about abusive friendships, and it's not talked about often, but

777
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:25,600
Speaker 4: it should be something that people are aware of and

778
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:28,680
Speaker 4: should watch out for. As in fact, a couple of

779
00:37:28,719 --> 00:37:30,560
Speaker 4: articles we're talking about the fact that this is not

780
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:34,239
Speaker 4: addressed because it's not technically seen as domestic violence, and

781
00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 4: so therefore people don't recognize it as quickly and realize

782
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,880
Speaker 4: how harmful it could be. But more often than not,

783
00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:44,360
Speaker 4: abusive friendships and toxic friendships get mixed up, so we

784
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:47,360
Speaker 4: just kind of use those words interchangeably, and there is

785
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:49,400
Speaker 4: a subtle difference within.

786
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:50,120
Speaker 2: Abuse of friendships.

787
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 4: You do again see the similar signs of toxic friendship,

788
00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:56,719
Speaker 4: but it continues on. As one article states, abusive friendships

789
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,760
Speaker 4: often start on a positive note, but then the abuser

790
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:03,560
Speaker 4: may use repetition compulsion, which is when an abused person

791
00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:08,960
Speaker 4: may unknowingly replay unresolved family dysfunctions in a new adult relationship,

792
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,600
Speaker 4: and that abuser uses that so they know what you've

793
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:13,400
Speaker 4: gone through and are able to use.

794
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 2: That tactic against you, much like an abuser.

795
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:19,719
Speaker 4: Essentially, the person who is mistreated or abused may have

796
00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:21,880
Speaker 4: gone through a lot in their childhood and endured so

797
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:24,719
Speaker 4: much in the childhood that it becomes a norm and

798
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:27,640
Speaker 4: is familiar. So therefore they don't realize that that's what's

799
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:32,040
Speaker 4: being extended into these friendships. And oftentimes you see you

800
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:35,360
Speaker 4: don't realize the negativity that's falling on you, and you

801
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:38,319
Speaker 4: feel like that's what you deserve or that's what friendship is.

802
00:38:39,239 --> 00:38:41,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, there have definitely been some situations, never like this

803
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,279
Speaker 3: to this extent, but there have been situations where I

804
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:45,719
Speaker 3: looked back and I was like, Wow, that wasn't a

805
00:38:45,719 --> 00:38:48,919
Speaker 3: good friendship. But at the time, it seemed just normal, right,

806
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:52,239
Speaker 3: It felt like it just almost like the frog in

807
00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:55,280
Speaker 3: the boiling pot where it slowly got worse and worse.

808
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:57,520
Speaker 3: But you were thinking this as your friend, and it

809
00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:00,400
Speaker 3: would be a failure to cut off the friendship, right, have.

810
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:01,120
Speaker 1: To stay friends.

811
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 3: Abusers will play on your insecurities, but only after they

812
00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:08,200
Speaker 3: have quote seduced you into a trusting relationship, and they

813
00:39:08,239 --> 00:39:12,759
Speaker 3: are often excessively charming and attentive. Some other warning signs

814
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:17,080
Speaker 3: include harassment, dishonesty, and manipulations. They are also likely to

815
00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:21,800
Speaker 3: be very argumentative and critical, and abusive friendships can cause

816
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 3: so many mental health and physical issues, such as depression, anxiety,

817
00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:28,760
Speaker 3: stomach problems, high blood pressure, and even PTSD.

818
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:31,840
Speaker 4: I think again, we did want to address this, and

819
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:34,360
Speaker 4: of course this is still vague. It might not be

820
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,240
Speaker 4: all about the physical abuse, which is what's so easily

821
00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:41,520
Speaker 4: noted as this is abuse, right, but this emotional manipulative

822
00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:45,520
Speaker 4: tactics that causes people to be triggered in so many

823
00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:48,879
Speaker 4: ways by what their actions are because they know they

824
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:52,200
Speaker 4: can trigger you or guilt you, or manipulate you into

825
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:55,520
Speaker 4: filling that you owe them something, that it becomes an

826
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,840
Speaker 4: abusive relationship.

827
00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:00,680
Speaker 3: Right, And we do have a little bit more for

828
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,440
Speaker 3: you listeners, but first we're going to pause for one

829
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:19,000
Speaker 3: more work break for word from our sponsor, and we're back.

830
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:20,040
Speaker 1: Thank you sponsors.

831
00:40:20,640 --> 00:40:24,759
Speaker 4: So not all friendships and because it's bad. So it's

832
00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:29,080
Speaker 4: not all about toxic friendships and or abusive friendships. But

833
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:33,759
Speaker 4: you know, things happen, we grow, we change, and sometimes

834
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 4: that means friendships change too. And there are people I

835
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:40,759
Speaker 4: think gone fondly, but perhaps because of distance, we're not

836
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:44,040
Speaker 4: friends anymore. Maybe they started a family, and because I

837
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,480
Speaker 4: don't have a family, it's harder for us to relate,

838
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:49,440
Speaker 4: or it's harder to find time. Any of those things

839
00:40:49,440 --> 00:40:52,439
Speaker 4: could be reasons while we are no longer friends. And yeah,

840
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:56,640
Speaker 4: just your interests and commonalities have shifted. And of course

841
00:40:56,800 --> 00:41:01,759
Speaker 4: there's also possibility that your difference in belief. Yeah, that

842
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:05,520
Speaker 4: changes friendships. Perhaps it's politics. And for me, definitely my

843
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:09,279
Speaker 4: friends from my hometown, I don't talk to them as much.

844
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,800
Speaker 4: Some of us stopped talking altogether because of their reactions

845
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:16,640
Speaker 4: to Black Lives Matter, and that made me go, no, that's.

846
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:18,719
Speaker 2: A deal breaker for me. If you can't see how

847
00:41:18,719 --> 00:41:21,479
Speaker 2: this is racist, sorry that it.

848
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,239
Speaker 4: Is what it is as well as the fact that

849
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:26,560
Speaker 4: I was super religious growing up. I'm no longer religious,

850
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:28,919
Speaker 4: and that changed a lot of friendships for me from

851
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:32,080
Speaker 4: college and high school, which again super religious to not

852
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:35,400
Speaker 4: and those people who are super religious still doesn't mesh

853
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:37,000
Speaker 4: too well in the end.

854
00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:41,239
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And that is one of those things of.

855
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:46,359
Speaker 3: Growing friendships and changing friendships because I too came from

856
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:49,520
Speaker 3: a very small conservative town and sometimes because I was

857
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:53,640
Speaker 3: liberal back then and most people are conservative and I'm

858
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:54,280
Speaker 3: getting fights.

859
00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:58,480
Speaker 1: It's like my seventh grade it is my friends about their rock.

860
00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:04,040
Speaker 3: Wars, but I didn't have like too many like minded

861
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:06,319
Speaker 3: friends that choose from But some of my friends who

862
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:10,399
Speaker 3: didn't think that way then have changed when they got

863
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:13,360
Speaker 3: out of the small town and things like that. So yeah,

864
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:17,200
Speaker 3: for sure, And that's something I've always struggled with where

865
00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:19,399
Speaker 3: I'm just so determined. But we were such good friends.

866
00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:21,799
Speaker 3: We have to stay good friends. But sometimes, yeah, it's

867
00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:24,440
Speaker 3: just you change and they change and things.

868
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:25,240
Speaker 1: Life changes.

869
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:26,640
Speaker 2: Life changes.

870
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:27,319
Speaker 1: It does.

871
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:30,319
Speaker 3: That's not to say I do think you can make

872
00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:33,000
Speaker 3: things work if there's like an equal amount of interest

873
00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:36,840
Speaker 3: in time. But yeah, however, what if you want to

874
00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:39,279
Speaker 3: break up with a friend, how do you do that.

875
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:44,680
Speaker 3: You can limit time. Sometimes ending of friendship is not necessary.

876
00:42:44,719 --> 00:42:46,759
Speaker 3: Maybe it's all about limiting the amount of time or

877
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:50,640
Speaker 3: even specific situations, maybe only in group settings or maybe

878
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:54,520
Speaker 3: one on one setting. Boundaries are always a beautiful thing.

879
00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:55,560
Speaker 1: Yeah.

880
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:58,600
Speaker 4: I definitely had a friend of mine who I didn't

881
00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:01,640
Speaker 4: get along with a person and the way they explain

882
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:04,080
Speaker 4: their friendship, not that they had to explain their friendship,

883
00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:06,239
Speaker 4: but because I wasn't the only one who was like,

884
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:08,799
Speaker 4: I can't be around this person. They are too much

885
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,239
Speaker 4: of this, this and this, and I'm going to go off.

886
00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:13,160
Speaker 4: I think I've said that I have a short temper.

887
00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:16,680
Speaker 4: But they were like, yeah, they're one of those friends

888
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:18,560
Speaker 4: that they're better one on one.

889
00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:20,960
Speaker 2: They're really sweet and very attentive.

890
00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,600
Speaker 4: They get around a group of people and they don't

891
00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:27,719
Speaker 4: know how to pull back and just our vibrant personality.

892
00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 4: And I'm like, okay, okay, yeah you have that one

893
00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:35,160
Speaker 4: on one setting. I'm good, which is not nice, but whatever,

894
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:38,320
Speaker 4: but yeah. Also, we talked a little bit before about

895
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:41,759
Speaker 4: the fading, the ghosting. It's a slow walking away from

896
00:43:41,760 --> 00:43:45,120
Speaker 4: a relationship. And I'd say this metaphorically obviously, and it

897
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:47,279
Speaker 4: may be the best solution possible, especially when we're talking

898
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:50,239
Speaker 4: about abusive or toxic relationships where you feel like it's

899
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:53,080
Speaker 4: just be combative trying to have a conversation with it.

900
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:55,799
Speaker 2: So whether it's you.

901
00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:59,320
Speaker 4: Know, less texting right, a little more time, not seeing

902
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:02,080
Speaker 4: them as much as you used to, or all together,

903
00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:05,400
Speaker 4: you know, not answering the call immediately kind of situation,

904
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:08,440
Speaker 4: not confiding in them so much, that might be a

905
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:10,360
Speaker 4: solution for you if you really feel like that's the

906
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:13,480
Speaker 4: only solution. Then again, let's say it is a really

907
00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:17,480
Speaker 4: deep and personal relationship, but there's something that has happened

908
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:20,000
Speaker 4: that you feel like this is not going to work.

909
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:23,320
Speaker 4: A face to face conversation could work. Just be honest

910
00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:27,640
Speaker 4: and open and also be willing to admit yourself when

911
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:30,319
Speaker 4: you haven't been the best friend as well, and so

912
00:44:30,520 --> 00:44:33,200
Speaker 4: that could be a solution. I will say I know

913
00:44:33,400 --> 00:44:36,719
Speaker 4: many of people as of late sending emails, and I've

914
00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:41,080
Speaker 4: actually had an email they weren't necessarily trying to break well,

915
00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 4: it did sound like a breakup letter.

916
00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:45,440
Speaker 2: It did sound like a breakup letter. Actually, it's happened

917
00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:45,960
Speaker 2: to me twice.

918
00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, should remember this, So it's happened to

919
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:48,960
Speaker 4: me twice.

920
00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:50,320
Speaker 2: Man I must be a bad friend.

921
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:53,200
Speaker 4: The first time was because I was super religious and

922
00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:55,520
Speaker 4: pampas and over the top, and when they corrected me,

923
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:57,880
Speaker 4: I was like, you're correct, I'm so sorry, and we

924
00:44:57,880 --> 00:44:58,799
Speaker 4: were fine After that.

925
00:44:58,880 --> 00:45:01,000
Speaker 2: That opened up a whole other conversation.

926
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:06,319
Speaker 4: Another one was because they decided that because they were

927
00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:09,520
Speaker 4: married now that they wanted to start a family and

928
00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:12,280
Speaker 4: being around single friends wasn't good for them.

929
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:13,960
Speaker 2: They broke up with me.

930
00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:17,520
Speaker 1: I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at

931
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:20,560
Speaker 1: your Saturdays. I'm a bad friend.

932
00:45:21,400 --> 00:45:24,720
Speaker 4: I just remembered why, and remembering those I'm like, wow.

933
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,799
Speaker 4: And of course, to be fair, it wasn't a bad

934
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:28,200
Speaker 4: thing to me.

935
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:35,040
Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, okay, area, Yeah, we were talking

936
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:37,800
Speaker 3: about this recently, So I guess I have a combo.

937
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:40,719
Speaker 1: I have a combo example, because.

938
00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:43,600
Speaker 3: I have an email fade out situation that just happened,

939
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:46,320
Speaker 3: which this person was one of my best friends.

940
00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:48,400
Speaker 1: We've known each other since we were four years old.

941
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:53,040
Speaker 3: We've traveled together, we went to college together, we were

942
00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:57,200
Speaker 3: roommates for a while, and she moved out.

943
00:45:57,000 --> 00:45:57,640
Speaker 1: Of the country.

944
00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:03,640
Speaker 3: She There are also issues around she really didn't like

945
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:06,040
Speaker 3: other women, which didn't sit well with me because I

946
00:46:06,080 --> 00:46:08,719
Speaker 3: was like, what about me? Though, I don't feel about this,

947
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:13,200
Speaker 3: and then yeah, yeah, there there's some issues, but I

948
00:46:13,239 --> 00:46:15,040
Speaker 3: wanted to keep the friendship going, and so we had

949
00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:17,400
Speaker 3: like an email thing that slowly dropped pretty much like

950
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:21,760
Speaker 3: twice a year. We did go on two journeys abroad

951
00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:24,360
Speaker 3: during that time, but this was the first year. She

952
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:25,839
Speaker 3: sent me an email last year and was like, oh

953
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,960
Speaker 3: my gosh, pandemic, how are you going in the US.

954
00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:29,720
Speaker 3: So what's been going on with you? I'm so sorry

955
00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:31,759
Speaker 3: I haven't been in contact. I'm really bad about it.

956
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:33,719
Speaker 3: I sent her this whole thing, and I was like,

957
00:46:33,719 --> 00:46:35,000
Speaker 3: this is what's going on with fee?

958
00:46:35,440 --> 00:46:35,880
Speaker 1: How are you?

959
00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:38,880
Speaker 3: Don't worry about, you know, being bad contact? I'm just

960
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:40,120
Speaker 3: bad to hear from you. And I never heard from

961
00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:42,719
Speaker 3: her again. And this was her first birthday where I

962
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:46,800
Speaker 3: didn't send the like happy birthday thing because I guess

963
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:48,280
Speaker 3: we're done right.

964
00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:50,680
Speaker 1: It's weird too, that situation is weird.

965
00:46:50,680 --> 00:46:53,200
Speaker 3: I wonder if anyone else can relate to this, where

966
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:55,800
Speaker 3: we would have a lot of discussions where she would

967
00:46:55,920 --> 00:46:57,920
Speaker 3: like say, this is my problems with you.

968
00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:00,360
Speaker 1: And I.

969
00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:02,960
Speaker 3: I'm someone who tries to be really self aware, especially

970
00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:04,080
Speaker 3: like as I've gotten older.

971
00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:05,480
Speaker 1: It wasn't in high school.

972
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:07,520
Speaker 3: Or whatever, but like, as I've gotten older, sometimes she

973
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:11,279
Speaker 3: would say things where I'm like, am I just being

974
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:14,640
Speaker 3: really obtuse because that doesn't sound like how I've interpreted

975
00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:16,080
Speaker 3: these situations at all.

976
00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:19,000
Speaker 1: It's just odd.

977
00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:22,080
Speaker 4: Yeah, if someone is so quick and constantly trying to

978
00:47:22,080 --> 00:47:24,600
Speaker 4: tell you you're bad, that would be toxic.

979
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:26,200
Speaker 2: That's the put down thing.

980
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:31,200
Speaker 3: She was definitely a friend, where like I was very,

981
00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:34,279
Speaker 3: very worried all the time that whatever I said or did,

982
00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:37,160
Speaker 3: our friendship was over and that was the end.

983
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:39,600
Speaker 1: But we did have some wonderful times together and it

984
00:47:39,640 --> 00:47:41,480
Speaker 1: does make me sad right.

985
00:47:41,360 --> 00:47:42,520
Speaker 2: And there, there definitely is.

986
00:47:42,600 --> 00:47:44,319
Speaker 4: I think that's the part of the problem is when

987
00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:47,319
Speaker 4: you remember the good times mm hmm, and it's been

988
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:51,400
Speaker 4: long enough that you forgot the bad times, you're like, eh,

989
00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:52,880
Speaker 4: but it's.

990
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:53,920
Speaker 2: Nice to have those memories.

991
00:47:53,920 --> 00:47:56,719
Speaker 4: And I've always been that type of person who would

992
00:47:56,719 --> 00:47:59,719
Speaker 4: say that I love meeting people, even though I'm an

993
00:47:59,760 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 4: inter because they change your perspective somehow, and you find

994
00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:07,759
Speaker 4: something new about yourself in that relationship, and hopefully it's

995
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:08,279
Speaker 4: a good thing.

996
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:09,920
Speaker 2: And even if it's a bad thing, it's still a

997
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:11,920
Speaker 2: lesson to learn. It's the very least.

998
00:48:12,040 --> 00:48:15,479
Speaker 4: And then as I'm getting to forty, yeah, I only

999
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:19,239
Speaker 4: have time for essential friendship, meaning people who I can

1000
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:21,680
Speaker 4: feed into and they could feed into me and we

1001
00:48:21,719 --> 00:48:24,200
Speaker 4: can come out together as better people. Like it's just

1002
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:26,560
Speaker 4: when you get to a certain age, it's harder to

1003
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:28,279
Speaker 4: make friends a B.

1004
00:48:28,719 --> 00:48:29,719
Speaker 2: I've become more set in.

1005
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:33,040
Speaker 4: My ways as I get older, and it's harder for

1006
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:34,799
Speaker 4: me to change my personality to fit.

1007
00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:36,400
Speaker 2: You don't get me wrong.

1008
00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:39,640
Speaker 4: Reading a room and being able to at least understand

1009
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:42,959
Speaker 4: and be compassionate and all of that for sure, But

1010
00:48:43,000 --> 00:48:46,239
Speaker 4: at the same time, I'm not going to be giddy, happy, sweet,

1011
00:48:46,280 --> 00:48:49,320
Speaker 4: go lucky girl. That's just not me, right, And I

1012
00:48:49,480 --> 00:48:54,680
Speaker 4: no longer have time, right or the mental capacity to

1013
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:58,879
Speaker 4: try to change my personality to fit into this. I mean,

1014
00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:01,320
Speaker 4: I feel like I struggled to not just without work

1015
00:49:01,640 --> 00:49:05,799
Speaker 4: and try to be professional. I don't know whether you know,

1016
00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:07,160
Speaker 4: like professional is hard for me?

1017
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:12,359
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, And I think that's something we all kind

1018
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:17,000
Speaker 3: of learn and go through. Is essentially, what is this

1019
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:21,000
Speaker 3: friendship giving me? Is it worth the time and energy?

1020
00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:26,359
Speaker 3: And I know back when I first started and we

1021
00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:28,320
Speaker 3: were the stuff, I've never told you had the YouTube

1022
00:49:28,360 --> 00:49:30,880
Speaker 3: channel that was really active. That was one of the

1023
00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:34,520
Speaker 3: things we heard the most from young listeners especially, was

1024
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:37,280
Speaker 3: how do I I'm in a toxic friendship?

1025
00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:39,279
Speaker 1: What do I do? So?

1026
00:49:39,480 --> 00:49:42,279
Speaker 3: I know that this is something we all have dealt

1027
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:45,280
Speaker 3: with and seen, right, So I hope that this helps

1028
00:49:45,320 --> 00:49:45,919
Speaker 3: in some way.

1029
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:49,520
Speaker 4: Yes, And the good news is there are people out

1030
00:49:49,560 --> 00:49:53,520
Speaker 4: there who can connect. And there was a survey that

1031
00:49:53,600 --> 00:49:57,080
Speaker 4: said that one in ten people don't actually have close friends.

1032
00:49:57,480 --> 00:49:59,360
Speaker 2: That made me sad because.

1033
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:01,759
Speaker 4: I definitely could tell you you immediately the four people

1034
00:50:01,760 --> 00:50:03,880
Speaker 4: that I could call if I was in an emergency state.

1035
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:06,080
Speaker 4: And that makes me sad to think that someone might

1036
00:50:06,120 --> 00:50:08,919
Speaker 4: go without that because for sure, as a person who

1037
00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:12,600
Speaker 4: don't feel close to my family didn't have a family

1038
00:50:12,640 --> 00:50:15,880
Speaker 4: at one point in time, my friends are my family.

1039
00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:17,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, So I.

1040
00:50:17,239 --> 00:50:19,279
Speaker 4: Can't imagine what it would be like not to have

1041
00:50:19,360 --> 00:50:22,200
Speaker 4: people close to me that I could lean on and

1042
00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:24,839
Speaker 4: know that we'll be there for the times that I

1043
00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:27,960
Speaker 4: can't be there for myself or that I can't see

1044
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:30,360
Speaker 4: the reason to keep going because I've had many of

1045
00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:33,200
Speaker 4: those times. Yeah, but having friends to truly be there

1046
00:50:33,200 --> 00:50:36,360
Speaker 4: to hold my hand in the darkest moments. That's been

1047
00:50:36,760 --> 00:50:39,360
Speaker 4: a lifesaver, literally a lifesaver for me.

1048
00:50:39,760 --> 00:50:41,480
Speaker 1: Yes, I totally agree.

1049
00:50:41,719 --> 00:50:46,000
Speaker 3: That's very, very, very powerful and I wish that everyone

1050
00:50:46,120 --> 00:50:48,560
Speaker 3: had it because I think it does make you good.

1051
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:50,399
Speaker 1: Friendships help you make you.

1052
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:55,719
Speaker 3: Better because I have see you and Samantha knows, I've

1053
00:50:55,760 --> 00:50:57,160
Speaker 3: been on a fan fiction binge.

1054
00:50:57,880 --> 00:51:00,920
Speaker 1: I just read a fan fiction where one of.

1055
00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:04,839
Speaker 3: The characters was like about to die and realized like

1056
00:51:05,320 --> 00:51:07,799
Speaker 3: literally no one would come to save him because he's

1057
00:51:07,840 --> 00:51:10,000
Speaker 3: a terrible person and no friends.

1058
00:51:11,239 --> 00:51:14,200
Speaker 1: It's then changed his ways once he survived.

1059
00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:18,200
Speaker 2: That sounds like a scrooge.

1060
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:24,360
Speaker 3: It's very very much Yes, yes, don't be a scrooge everyone.

1061
00:51:24,800 --> 00:51:27,160
Speaker 4: And if you need friends and you've been listening to

1062
00:51:27,280 --> 00:51:29,160
Speaker 4: us and count as us friends, please know.

1063
00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:30,400
Speaker 2: We are your friends.

1064
00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:33,680
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, we really do appreciate the support from all

1065
00:51:33,719 --> 00:51:35,719
Speaker 3: of you. That is a true statement. And if you

1066
00:51:35,719 --> 00:51:38,239
Speaker 3: would like to contact us, you can Our email is

1067
00:51:38,239 --> 00:51:40,719
Speaker 3: Stuff medium, mom Steph at iHeartMedia dot com. You can

1068
00:51:40,719 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 3: find us on Instagram at Stepmo I've never told you

1069
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:45,040
Speaker 3: are on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always

1070
00:51:45,080 --> 00:51:46,760
Speaker 3: to our super producer Christina.

1071
00:51:46,480 --> 00:51:47,560
Speaker 2: Who is also a friend.

1072
00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:50,839
Speaker 3: Yes, and thanks to you for listening steff I never

1073
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:52,160
Speaker 3: told you his protection of iHeartRadio.

1074
00:51:52,200 --> 00:51:53,640
Speaker 1: For more podcast from Iheartradiovi.

1075
00:51:53,640 --> 00:51:55,799
Speaker 3: Is it the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast or wherever you

1076
00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:57,040
Speaker 3: listen to your favorite shows.

1077
00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:04,440
Speaker 4: Yeah,