1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,720 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:26,119 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here. 8 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we, of course break down 9 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:39,520 Speaker 2: the Psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I wanted 10 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,280 Speaker 2: to give a shout out to my other podcast, Mantra. 11 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 2: Some of you may not know that I actually, yeah, 12 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:49,960 Speaker 2: I have two podcasts. I have two shows. Martra is 13 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:54,640 Speaker 2: basically how I describe it, like the spiritual, philosophical sister 14 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:59,360 Speaker 2: of the Psychology of Your Twenties. Every Monday I talk 15 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 2: about a new mantra, something to guide you for the 16 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,120 Speaker 2: weak ahead. Some of the recent ones that I have 17 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:08,479 Speaker 2: loved and I think people will resonate with include things 18 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:11,200 Speaker 2: like I allow myself to be happy with what I have, 19 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,199 Speaker 2: I make the best decision with what I know now, 20 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 2: I know that love won't pass me, and so many more. Honestly, 21 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,120 Speaker 2: it is such a passion project for me right now. 22 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,920 Speaker 2: It allows me to talk about things from a less 23 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 2: scientific point of view but still go really deep. It's 24 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 2: also incredibly meditative, and each week I include journal prompts 25 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:36,880 Speaker 2: and a weekly challenge and mental exercise to really aid 26 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,559 Speaker 2: you in a mindset shift. So I would really love 27 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 2: if you guys checked it out. If you love the 28 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 2: psychology of your twenties, obviously you will love Martra. Just 29 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 2: listen to one episode, try it out, tell me what 30 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 2: you think, because I'm also looking for feedback. I'm looking 31 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,680 Speaker 2: for mantras that you want me to cover. I'm looking 32 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:02,600 Speaker 2: for any suggestions for dialect is or yeah, topics that 33 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 2: you want me to look at on that podcast, So 34 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:10,119 Speaker 2: check it out today. On the podcast, we are tackling 35 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 2: a big question. Why do we grieve past versions of ourselves? 36 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:20,239 Speaker 2: Why do we grieve the past in general? Let's be honest. 37 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 2: I feel like our twenties are mainly the decade in 38 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 2: which we are comparing ourselves to others. Are we doing enough? 39 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,679 Speaker 2: Are we as happy as they are? Are we as 40 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 2: successful as beautiful? We can apply that to every facet 41 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,800 Speaker 2: of our lives. But what if the other person is 42 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:43,120 Speaker 2: actually someone that you once were? What if it is yourself, 43 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 2: a past version of you. And even further, what if 44 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:50,840 Speaker 2: we look back and actually miss this person but don't 45 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:54,320 Speaker 2: know how to recover them. In other words, what if 46 00:02:54,360 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 2: our life now isn't as good? What do we do then? 47 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 2: A little bit dramatic grieving a version of yourself like 48 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 2: they're somehow you know, dead. Maybe it can feel a 49 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 2: little bit silly, but I think if you really sit 50 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,880 Speaker 2: with that feeling, if you reflect on who you were 51 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:18,359 Speaker 2: five years ago or even two years ago, you actually 52 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:22,240 Speaker 2: might find that quiet ache, a sense of loss. This 53 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,040 Speaker 2: person isn't coming back. There is nothing you can do 54 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,600 Speaker 2: to bring them back. Because you know, that's the weird 55 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 2: thing about growing and evolving. It always means shedding something, 56 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:37,240 Speaker 2: leaving something behind, And sometimes that shedding, that leaving it 57 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,240 Speaker 2: feels like a genuine loss. It feels like a farewell 58 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,360 Speaker 2: to a very significant chapter. And the person you were, 59 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,360 Speaker 2: the environment you were in, the people you were around, 60 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 2: what you spent your days doing, you're saying goodbye to that. 61 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,560 Speaker 2: We talk a lot about grief in the context of 62 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:56,200 Speaker 2: losing a loved one, and rightly so, but what about 63 00:03:56,240 --> 00:04:00,440 Speaker 2: grief for our own past identities and our past aspers 64 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,720 Speaker 2: just the past way of being, So, my lovely listeners, 65 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 2: that is what we are going to explore today. We 66 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:11,480 Speaker 2: are going to discuss why we feel this way, what 67 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 2: it has to do with identity formation and life transitions. 68 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,599 Speaker 2: We'll look at why sometimes feeling a sense of loss 69 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:22,360 Speaker 2: for past versions of ourselves can mean that we get 70 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:26,040 Speaker 2: stuck in the past, even though our current circumstances may 71 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,279 Speaker 2: be objectively better. And we're also going to talk about 72 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:33,760 Speaker 2: that danger, that danger of romanticizing things that have already happened, 73 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,279 Speaker 2: and romanticizing certain memories and certain versions of us that 74 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,960 Speaker 2: may actually not be as good in reality. I also 75 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 2: want to talk about the role of social media, how 76 00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:49,039 Speaker 2: our narrative self is shaped by how we collect and 77 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:55,880 Speaker 2: store memories physically, online, in journals, in photos. But most importantly, 78 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 2: I just want to leave you with some practical advice 79 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 2: on how to not form into the nostalgia trap when 80 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,719 Speaker 2: it comes to who you were before, how to really 81 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:11,040 Speaker 2: validate this form of grief and really accept that growing 82 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 2: and evolving will involve loss, but that loss is essential 83 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 2: to becoming someone better and to improving your life. I 84 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,520 Speaker 2: fully believe sometimes parts of us have to die in 85 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,880 Speaker 2: order to make room for other parts of us to grow, 86 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,080 Speaker 2: and we suffer so much when we think only about 87 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,680 Speaker 2: what we have lost, not realizing that we would suffer 88 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 2: so much more if we had stayed the same. So 89 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,599 Speaker 2: how do we mourn but also thank those parts of 90 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,080 Speaker 2: us we kind of needed to kill off in order 91 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:47,240 Speaker 2: to bloom into something more beautiful. Well, hopefully you will 92 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 2: learn that in this episode. So, without further ado, let's 93 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 2: get into why we grieve past versions of ourselves. So 94 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:02,279 Speaker 2: before we really begin, let's just start with the basic 95 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,440 Speaker 2: understanding of what it actually means to feel this kind 96 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 2: of grief. What does it look like, what does it 97 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:11,040 Speaker 2: feel like when it happens. To really grasp this, we 98 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:15,359 Speaker 2: need to understand that what we're experiencing, obviously, is not 99 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 2: exactly the same as grieving that is associated with a 100 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,680 Speaker 2: real physical death. Think about it. You know, a past 101 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 2: version of you hasn't physically died, right, but that particular identity, 102 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:31,680 Speaker 2: those specific circumstances, they're just no longer accessible to you 103 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:35,360 Speaker 2: in the present. They're gone, but not so much forgotten. 104 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 2: There's still present in memory. They're still present in old 105 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:44,880 Speaker 2: photos or journals. And that makes the grieving process incredibly 106 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 2: complex because it feels like I'm still alive, I could 107 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 2: still be that person, but you also know that you can't. 108 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 2: And you know there's no clear funeral. We don't publicly acknowledge, 109 00:06:56,400 --> 00:07:00,839 Speaker 2: we don't hold funerals. There's no universally understood RITCHOL to 110 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,480 Speaker 2: help us process moving from one chapter of our life 111 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,839 Speaker 2: into another, and so there's no closure. You know, going 112 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 2: from being a university student to being a full time employee, 113 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,160 Speaker 2: there's a loss there that we don't acknowledge. Going from 114 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,280 Speaker 2: being someone who was single to being someone in a relationship, 115 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,760 Speaker 2: even though that's a positive thing, there's still a loss. 116 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 2: Moving away from a town that was really important to you, 117 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,320 Speaker 2: or a city or a place, even if it's for 118 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,679 Speaker 2: somewhere better, there is still a loss. And this brings 119 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 2: us to a really crucial concept. It's called disenfranchised grief. Now, 120 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 2: this was a term first introduced by someone called Professor 121 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 2: Kenneth Docker. He is basically the world's leading expert on 122 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 2: grief and loss, and he essentially understood that there is 123 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 2: a kind of grief for things that aren't openly acknowledged 124 00:07:55,000 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 2: or accepted that makes the grief feel less valid when 125 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 2: we mourn things that aren't socially sanctioned, or that people 126 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 2: don't see as important to mourn. Sometimes we have this 127 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:13,240 Speaker 2: dual feeling of loss and sadness, and then also kind 128 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 2: of shame and silliness, like, oh my gosh, I'm this 129 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,080 Speaker 2: is so dramatic. That was so long ago, no one 130 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:24,920 Speaker 2: actually died, I should just move on. We also tend 131 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:28,160 Speaker 2: to lack external validation for how we're feeling. When we 132 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:31,720 Speaker 2: do open up about it, people can be quite dismissive, like, 133 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 2: what do you mean you're grieving a past version of you? 134 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:38,080 Speaker 2: There's real things to be grieving, and so that makes 135 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:42,160 Speaker 2: you feel even more isolated, confused, like something's wrong with you, 136 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 2: Like you've got a really serious problem that you don't 137 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:49,240 Speaker 2: want to talk about. But you also feel very strongly about. 138 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 2: Something that is misunderstood about grieving past versions of ourselves 139 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 2: is that we don't necessarily want to go back to 140 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:02,880 Speaker 2: that time. Instead, what's really happening is this internal emotional 141 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 2: process that mirrors a passing. It mirrors this closing of 142 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:14,280 Speaker 2: endure of what you could have been, of different life 143 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 2: paths you could have taken, of certain emotions and feelings 144 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 2: and experiences that were really valuable at that time that 145 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 2: you realize you can't relive. So ultimately, what we're mourning 146 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,360 Speaker 2: is a discrepancy between who we were then and who 147 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 2: we are now, and how we see those two different 148 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:37,120 Speaker 2: versions of us as being different. What did they have 149 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:41,439 Speaker 2: that we don't have that we therefore miss And then 150 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,760 Speaker 2: the second punch that comes to us is acknowledging like, 151 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 2: oh my god, I could never get that back. Does 152 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 2: that mean that I'll never be happy in the future. 153 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:56,320 Speaker 2: Obviously there's a huge emotion that comes into this, and 154 00:09:56,360 --> 00:10:00,760 Speaker 2: it's nostalgia. Nostalgia with a melancholic tinge. You look at 155 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:04,400 Speaker 2: old photos, you listen to music from five years ago. Yes, 156 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:08,880 Speaker 2: it's a warm, nice, fuzzy feeling. But then comes the sadness. 157 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 2: Then comes the yearning, and that yearning, that longing is 158 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 2: incredibly painful because an element of longing and yearning is powerlessness, 159 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:24,120 Speaker 2: is not being able to do anything about it. I 160 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 2: think that nostalgia is such a complicated emotion. I honestly 161 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,480 Speaker 2: would go on the record as saying it is the 162 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:34,880 Speaker 2: most complex emotion that we experience as humans, because it 163 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:40,439 Speaker 2: is equally powerful and beautiful as it is despairing and uncomfortable, 164 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 2: Like what other emotion is like that. Other than maybe 165 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 2: like love and heartbreak, Nostalgia does have a role to play, right. 166 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:53,480 Speaker 2: It's an incredibly mentally protective thing to have access to 167 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 2: moments in the past that made us feel happy and 168 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:01,120 Speaker 2: to have that kind of pool of joy and goodness 169 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,200 Speaker 2: to draw from in hard times. But when we leart 170 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,480 Speaker 2: nostalgia have too much of a say, it can actually 171 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:11,000 Speaker 2: create kind of a peter Pan syndrome where we fight 172 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 2: against growing up, we push back against growth and evolution 173 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 2: because we feel so terrified of having to say goodbye. 174 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 2: We feel so terrified of the idea of things being over. 175 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,679 Speaker 2: A twenty twenty study actually found that nostalgia in that 176 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 2: way can make us feel lonelier and more disconnected, because 177 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,040 Speaker 2: it gives this sense of being pulled between two different 178 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:37,640 Speaker 2: worlds who we were in the past, this version of 179 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,240 Speaker 2: us we want to cling to, and the possibility in 180 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:42,680 Speaker 2: the potential of someone in the future that we might 181 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 2: equally enjoy being but who hasn't been discovered yet. But 182 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:51,440 Speaker 2: I do also think that nostalgia, if we really think 183 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,320 Speaker 2: about it, it's just proof that you are living a 184 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,000 Speaker 2: life that you are proud of. You would not yearn 185 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,240 Speaker 2: for those memories. You would not yearn and long for 186 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:03,160 Speaker 2: those past versions of you if you didn't feel, you know, 187 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,520 Speaker 2: proud of them, if you didn't like who you were 188 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,400 Speaker 2: then if you hadn't done things that really made you 189 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 2: happy and excited you. I think living with constant chronic 190 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:19,200 Speaker 2: nostalgia often means appreciating what it represents. That you have 191 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 2: lived a happy life and that there are things you 192 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:25,320 Speaker 2: loved about the past, but you cannot let it convince 193 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 2: you that just because there is good in the past, 194 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:32,559 Speaker 2: there cannot be anything better in the future. When that occurs, 195 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:36,520 Speaker 2: that is when our grief for the past dictates our 196 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:40,440 Speaker 2: actions in the present in a really detrimental way, often 197 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,720 Speaker 2: by forcing us to keep making the same choices and 198 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:48,559 Speaker 2: staying the same. So this grief brings about nostalgia, it 199 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:53,800 Speaker 2: also brings about confusion and mental disorientation. You might find 200 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 2: yourself thinking who was I then? Who am I now? 201 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,720 Speaker 2: How do I explain these different versions of myself to people? 202 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:05,960 Speaker 2: You feel very disconnected from old experiences. You realize that 203 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,160 Speaker 2: you've grown, but you also fundamentally understand that some people 204 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,679 Speaker 2: only know you as the version of you then, and 205 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,760 Speaker 2: so that can bring up the big er, the big 206 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:20,920 Speaker 2: er regret, regret over how you behaved in the past, 207 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:25,280 Speaker 2: regret that that version of you lives on, Regret that 208 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,720 Speaker 2: you didn't act differently. You know, how often have you wondered, 209 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,559 Speaker 2: how would my life have turned out if I had 210 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:37,680 Speaker 2: just made a small different choice, if I just knew 211 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,199 Speaker 2: what I knew now, if I just appreciated that time 212 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,719 Speaker 2: or that opportunity more. Maybe what we're experiencing when we 213 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:49,480 Speaker 2: grieve or we miss versions of ourselves is the ability 214 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,520 Speaker 2: we had then to make different choices, which we can't 215 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 2: make now. But what you've got to realize is that 216 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,800 Speaker 2: you made the best decision with what you knew then. 217 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,360 Speaker 2: It's something that we actually talked about on a recent 218 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,559 Speaker 2: episode of Mantra the other day. How could you have known? 219 00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:09,360 Speaker 2: You're judging your past self based on information you have 220 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:12,400 Speaker 2: now that you didn't have access to. So it's an 221 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:18,880 Speaker 2: unfair judgment. It's in asymmetry that is entirely unfair for 222 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,480 Speaker 2: former versions of you. They can't beat that evidence, like 223 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,600 Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Like you're judging them based 224 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,080 Speaker 2: on what you know now, thinking that they must have 225 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,560 Speaker 2: known it. They're not realizing how naive you probably were, 226 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,160 Speaker 2: But also, how do you know that the choice your 227 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:38,520 Speaker 2: mourning wouldn't have led to a worse outcome that you 228 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,640 Speaker 2: have been saved from. There's this really beautiful quote that 229 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,520 Speaker 2: actually I wanted to pull out of that episode of 230 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,360 Speaker 2: Mantra I was talking about that I really really loved 231 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,560 Speaker 2: from My Angelou, where she says, do the best you 232 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:54,360 Speaker 2: can until you know better. Then when you know better, 233 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 2: do better. And I think that's a really beautiful way 234 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:02,280 Speaker 2: of making peace with the fact that they did make mistakes, 235 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,360 Speaker 2: but you still love them. Anyway. This past version of 236 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,800 Speaker 2: you didn't have all the information, but you have grace 237 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,000 Speaker 2: towards them, and you know that it's all stepping stone 238 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,800 Speaker 2: into being a better version of you in the future. 239 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 2: Keep your eyes pointed on the future. I think our investment, 240 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:24,360 Speaker 2: our fascination, our obsession with the past also occurs because 241 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 2: of something that I've mentioned before, the Pollyanner effect. So 242 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:33,360 Speaker 2: this refers to our cognitive tendency to essentially remember positive 243 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:37,520 Speaker 2: experiences more than negative ones. And so when we look 244 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,920 Speaker 2: back at who you were before, who you were in 245 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,760 Speaker 2: high school, who you were in college, who you were 246 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:47,080 Speaker 2: with that person, often it is so much easier to 247 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:51,040 Speaker 2: recall and see the good experiences and the fun times 248 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,760 Speaker 2: and the things that we liked rather than what we 249 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,760 Speaker 2: disliked or struggled with at the time. I need to 250 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:01,120 Speaker 2: talk about this experience I had recently. So recently, I 251 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 2: was on tour around Australia for my book Person and Progress, 252 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,200 Speaker 2: and part of that tour brought me back to Canberra. 253 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,160 Speaker 2: Canberra is like the capital city of Australia if you 254 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:14,000 Speaker 2: don't know that, and it's where I went to university. 255 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 2: It's where I started this podcast actually, and I in 256 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,520 Speaker 2: the leadup to going back, I was so nostalgic and 257 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:26,480 Speaker 2: I was really quite sad that I was never going 258 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,400 Speaker 2: to be eighteen again. I was never going to be 259 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:33,040 Speaker 2: twenty one again. In this little university town with all 260 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,800 Speaker 2: those people having like the time of my life. I 261 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,520 Speaker 2: had so much freedom, I had so much fun, and 262 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,320 Speaker 2: I was really getting in my head about it. And 263 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,760 Speaker 2: I went back, and when I was back there, I 264 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:49,000 Speaker 2: actually went back to my old college dorm and I 265 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,280 Speaker 2: snuck into the building, which I don't think I was 266 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:54,680 Speaker 2: allowed to do. My intentions were pure, and I knocked 267 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,560 Speaker 2: on the door to my old college room, and this 268 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 2: wonderful girl answered and I was like, this is so strange, 269 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 2: but I used to live here. You can tell me 270 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,600 Speaker 2: to go away, but I carved my name into the 271 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 2: back of the back of the door, the closet door, 272 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,200 Speaker 2: and I just want to see it. I just want 273 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,720 Speaker 2: to see if it's still there. And you know, she 274 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,199 Speaker 2: let me in and she was so nice, like she 275 00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:21,040 Speaker 2: was so lovely, and I opened the door and there 276 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,119 Speaker 2: it was. And I expected to just be like so 277 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,840 Speaker 2: overwhelmed with grief and sadness at the passing of time, 278 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 2: and I actually just felt so unbelievably happy and grateful 279 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,919 Speaker 2: that I wasn't still there, that I wasn't still in 280 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:43,560 Speaker 2: that timeline. I was like instantly reminded in that moment 281 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,800 Speaker 2: of all the things that I had hated about that 282 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,639 Speaker 2: time in my life. Obviously it was fun, but I 283 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,320 Speaker 2: forgot about how broke I was. I forgot about how 284 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,959 Speaker 2: unsure I was. I forgot about how little I slept, 285 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,040 Speaker 2: how much I was drinking, how terrible I felt all 286 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 2: the time. I forgot about how lonely I was at times, 287 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:09,400 Speaker 2: how much fomo I had. I forgot about the terrible 288 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,399 Speaker 2: meals that I would eat. I forgot about how cold 289 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:17,520 Speaker 2: it was our autobiographical memory is not a perfect video recording. 290 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:22,399 Speaker 2: It's actually reconstructive. So every time we recall a memory, 291 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:26,720 Speaker 2: we're not pulling it from a file. We're actually rebuilding it. 292 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,160 Speaker 2: And that process can be influenced by our current mood, 293 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,720 Speaker 2: by our beliefs, even by external cues. So that means 294 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,440 Speaker 2: that every time you pull out a memory, it becomes 295 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:41,080 Speaker 2: easier for you to erase the bad parts from your 296 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:44,919 Speaker 2: retelling of it to yourself. It becomes very easy to 297 00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:49,920 Speaker 2: romanticize a period because the specifics have faded, and our 298 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:54,320 Speaker 2: current feelings will often color our perception of the past. 299 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,399 Speaker 2: So if you're not doing well right now, feel sad, 300 00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:01,679 Speaker 2: if you're lonely, if you're really just struggle in your life, 301 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,879 Speaker 2: you go, when you pull out a memory from the past, 302 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,680 Speaker 2: your brain, given its current state, is going to make 303 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,840 Speaker 2: that memory look beautiful and wonderful, and it's going to 304 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,640 Speaker 2: convince you that that was the best time of your life, 305 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:17,439 Speaker 2: when actually, when you were in it, it probably wasn't. Essentially, 306 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,639 Speaker 2: what that means is that you're not just grieving a 307 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:26,280 Speaker 2: past self, you're grieving the narrative and the story you 308 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,840 Speaker 2: are telling yourself about the past, and that can be 309 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:34,240 Speaker 2: really dangerous when you are, like I said, going through 310 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,520 Speaker 2: a tough time. It can really manifest in a difficulty 311 00:19:39,119 --> 00:19:42,320 Speaker 2: accepting your current self, struggling to fully integrate the new 312 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:45,320 Speaker 2: you with the old you. And I think it really 313 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:50,080 Speaker 2: keeps you from living in the present. Okay, we're going 314 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,639 Speaker 2: to take a short break, but when we return, I 315 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,160 Speaker 2: want to talk about why this is so much more 316 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,520 Speaker 2: common in our twenties, and also how to deal with it, 317 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,320 Speaker 2: how to manage, how to start romanticizing the past, how 318 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:09,480 Speaker 2: to live in the now. So stay with us. Grieving 319 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 2: previous versions of ourselves is a process that is necessary, 320 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:19,000 Speaker 2: it's normal. It's also incredibly sped up and intensified during 321 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,840 Speaker 2: the decade that we're in. There are so many profound 322 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,280 Speaker 2: shifts and changing moments that happen when we're in our 323 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 2: twenties and even our early thirties. It's such a period 324 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,080 Speaker 2: of big change and changes that happen one after another 325 00:20:34,119 --> 00:20:38,880 Speaker 2: that it means that our identity feels particularly unstable where 326 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,800 Speaker 2: we are at right now. So there are more revisions 327 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,480 Speaker 2: and versions of ourselves to grieve than I think in 328 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:49,720 Speaker 2: any other time of our life. This is particularly because 329 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:55,680 Speaker 2: of physical environmental transitions that we're going through, and how 330 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 2: many chapters close and then open quite quickly in succession. 331 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,919 Speaker 2: I'm going to give you some examples of why this 332 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,119 Speaker 2: happens a lot in our twenties. Firstly, you will see 333 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,720 Speaker 2: a lot of people leaving formal education and starting careers. 334 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,960 Speaker 2: So you lose the student identity, the structure, the clear 335 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,480 Speaker 2: academic goals, the specific peer group, the sense of being 336 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:20,280 Speaker 2: on a path, and you're really thrust into an adult 337 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:24,200 Speaker 2: world of work where the rules are different. You turn 338 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,520 Speaker 2: from being a student to a professional. It feels like 339 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:32,080 Speaker 2: there are certain things you can't do anymore, certain environments 340 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:34,520 Speaker 2: you can't access, you can't go and study in the 341 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,520 Speaker 2: library with your mates, Like it's all different to you, 342 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,600 Speaker 2: and so it's trying to reconcile who you were before, 343 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,120 Speaker 2: who you are now and say goodbye to them. We 344 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 2: also find that in our twenties, obviously a lot of 345 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 2: us move away from home. So this involves the loss 346 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 2: of family proximity, childhood routines, a sense of belonging, and 347 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,919 Speaker 2: also a specific place or community that wants to find you. 348 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,879 Speaker 2: As you're building a new home and new routine and 349 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:02,720 Speaker 2: new sense of belonging. It's beautiful, it's magnificent. There's so 350 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:06,399 Speaker 2: much growth there. There's also an appreciation of like, Okay, 351 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 2: I'm never going to be five again, I'm never going 352 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 2: to be twelve. It's never going to be a beautiful 353 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,000 Speaker 2: summer day when I'm fifteen and I have no responsibilities. 354 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:21,560 Speaker 2: There's also changes in relationships, so typical experience in your twenties. 355 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,920 Speaker 2: Hopefully you guys know this is drifting away from old 356 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,560 Speaker 2: friends who no longer share your path. You're also navigating 357 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:35,600 Speaker 2: new romantic partners, starting significant relationships, ending significant relationships. We 358 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:39,520 Speaker 2: know that relationships and connection form a great part of 359 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:42,600 Speaker 2: our identity. So if you've always had a best friend 360 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,200 Speaker 2: and now you no longer do, it feels like a 361 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:48,840 Speaker 2: part of you is missing. If you enter a new relationship, 362 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,800 Speaker 2: if you leave a relationship, it's actually quite a stressful 363 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:57,160 Speaker 2: thing to integrate that new label single partnered, girlfriend, boyfriend 364 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:00,760 Speaker 2: into who you are. All of this come down to 365 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:04,200 Speaker 2: identity shifts. I also think we need to talk about 366 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:08,960 Speaker 2: significant personal growth and trauma that happens during this defining period. 367 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:15,560 Speaker 2: This could include overcoming major life challenges, experiencing profound shifts 368 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,720 Speaker 2: in who you are, For example, if you are someone 369 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:22,920 Speaker 2: who has recovered from a severe mental illness, a severe 370 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:26,760 Speaker 2: eating disorder, and you're no longer feeling like you're defined 371 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:30,359 Speaker 2: by that illness, you've shared that identity. That's going to 372 00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:34,160 Speaker 2: feel incredibly liberating. You're going to feel very proud of yourself. 373 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 2: It also carries the weight of acknowledging what you've lost 374 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:42,720 Speaker 2: in the process, perhaps a familiar albeit unhealthy coping mechanism, 375 00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:48,920 Speaker 2: perhaps a distorted sense of control, but also time. You've 376 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,920 Speaker 2: lost time, and part of that grief is really realizing 377 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:56,080 Speaker 2: you know, you're only going to be seventeen once, You're 378 00:23:56,119 --> 00:23:59,119 Speaker 2: only going to be twenty twenty one, whatever age it is, 379 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,600 Speaker 2: and you can feel like, because of what you were 380 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,119 Speaker 2: going through that that period was wasted. I know, it 381 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,840 Speaker 2: probably doesn't help coming from me, someone who doesn't know 382 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,640 Speaker 2: your story, doesn't know who you are. It wasn't wasted. 383 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:16,280 Speaker 2: You were working towards, you were battling against something very 384 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 2: very difficult. That is not a waste ever, And you've 385 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:25,359 Speaker 2: got to realize you're judging your previous self based on 386 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,200 Speaker 2: who you are now, and the person who you are 387 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:32,679 Speaker 2: now only came into existence because of the sacrifices and 388 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:36,919 Speaker 2: the difficulties experienced by your previous self who had to 389 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,880 Speaker 2: work through that. You have so much to be thankful 390 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,200 Speaker 2: for for them and how strong they were, how much 391 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,720 Speaker 2: they put into this journey, how much they put into 392 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:48,640 Speaker 2: this growth. And it kind of feels weird that you're 393 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,640 Speaker 2: like killing them off. But they had to die, right, 394 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 2: They had to go for you to be where you 395 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:58,239 Speaker 2: are now. Whenever I feel sad about missing who I 396 00:24:58,359 --> 00:25:01,919 Speaker 2: was before, I always think about these plants that my 397 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,159 Speaker 2: grandma has, So in her backyard, she has these plants. 398 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 2: I think they're called hydrangers. Hydrangers, I think that's it. 399 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 2: And whenever I'm at her house, she always has me 400 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,440 Speaker 2: cut the old flowers off these plants. Like she has 401 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:19,400 Speaker 2: me like basically like butcher them and cut all these 402 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,840 Speaker 2: limbs off. And one time I asked her, I was like, 403 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:23,879 Speaker 2: why do you need me to do this, Like, aren't 404 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,280 Speaker 2: you destroying the plant? And she said, you know, it's 405 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,800 Speaker 2: because those parts need to be removed for new flowers 406 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:32,320 Speaker 2: to come in. If we didn't do that, the plant 407 00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:36,160 Speaker 2: would die under the weight of basically these old, dead 408 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,000 Speaker 2: parts of itself. And I feel like that is such 409 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 2: a beautiful metaphor for my own personal development. It's why 410 00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:46,960 Speaker 2: I feel more at peace now with aging, with closing chapters, 411 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:51,720 Speaker 2: with moving on with my life from old relationships, places, things, 412 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,760 Speaker 2: old versions of me. I don't want to die being 413 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 2: who I was at twenty three for the next sixty years. 414 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:03,920 Speaker 2: I don't want to constantly try to relive stages of 415 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:08,240 Speaker 2: my life that are no longer representative of who I am. 416 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:12,159 Speaker 2: I think that that loss and that pain shows that 417 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:17,040 Speaker 2: you are on the right path. Perhaps the final reason 418 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,000 Speaker 2: that I can really think of that this scares us 419 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,680 Speaker 2: a lot is that the past versions of us feel 420 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:26,000 Speaker 2: very comfortable. There's something that is known, and there is 421 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,639 Speaker 2: a lot in the future that is unknown. There's a 422 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,639 Speaker 2: lot of mystery there, and so perhaps what is really 423 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,360 Speaker 2: intertwined in with this is a fear of the unknown, 424 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:39,080 Speaker 2: a fear of our future self. If the self is 425 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:43,800 Speaker 2: constantly changing, how stable is our identity really? Who are we? 426 00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:47,600 Speaker 2: Who are we really actually at our core? What parts 427 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,920 Speaker 2: of us stay the same? How do I know that 428 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:54,040 Speaker 2: I'm even the same person. So it's not just grief, 429 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 2: it's very existential questions. It's questions of this self. It 430 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 2: means that you're probably a very deep thinker. If you 431 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,600 Speaker 2: are sitting there and trying to figure out who you 432 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,760 Speaker 2: are then, who you are now? What does that mean 433 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,119 Speaker 2: for me? Who am I going to be in the future. 434 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 2: It's a bit of a mind puzzle, actually. But you know, 435 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,880 Speaker 2: if this grief goes unacknowledged or unaddressed, it can have 436 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:23,440 Speaker 2: less than desirable outcomes. It can contribute to prolonged sadness, 437 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:27,240 Speaker 2: even depression, especially if the feeling of loss is so 438 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,399 Speaker 2: intense that you isolate yourself, or if it triggers an 439 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:35,240 Speaker 2: identity crisis. You can have difficulty forming new connections because 440 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:39,440 Speaker 2: you're constantly trying to revert to past relational patterns or 441 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:44,080 Speaker 2: struggling to adapt to new social environments. And I think 442 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 2: critically idealizing the past can lead to chronic dissatisfaction with 443 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:51,320 Speaker 2: the present because you're constantly comparing your life to a 444 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,960 Speaker 2: romanticized version of what once was. One factor that has 445 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:59,119 Speaker 2: undeniably complicated this process for you and I in the 446 00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:04,280 Speaker 2: modern age is social media. It's just actually most digital technology. 447 00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:08,199 Speaker 2: Think about it. Every single version of who you are 448 00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:15,760 Speaker 2: now is probably immortalized online. Old Facebook posts, blurry Instagram photos, 449 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:21,840 Speaker 2: snapchat photos from literally decades ago. Sometimes they serve as 450 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,840 Speaker 2: digital foot prints, constant reminders of who we once were, 451 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,520 Speaker 2: and this digital archive can make it incredibly difficult to 452 00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:33,960 Speaker 2: let go because it creates a perpetual comparison point. It's 453 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,600 Speaker 2: like having an old photo album that updates itself daily, 454 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 2: showing you who you once were, even when you're trying 455 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:43,440 Speaker 2: to move forward. It's like when you go through a 456 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:46,960 Speaker 2: breakup and people say to delete all the photos of 457 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,560 Speaker 2: you with your ex, because otherwise you'll look back at 458 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:51,880 Speaker 2: the photo of you on a nice holiday or having 459 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,120 Speaker 2: a great time and think that it was all beautiful. 460 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,560 Speaker 2: That's pretty difficult when it's you and you're trying to 461 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,720 Speaker 2: break up with an old version of yourself. The highlight 462 00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:06,560 Speaker 2: reel effect as well on social media definitely amplifies this. Listen, 463 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 2: all the stuff that you probably posted online was probably 464 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,600 Speaker 2: the best photos that you had, probably the photos where 465 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:16,400 Speaker 2: you looked the hottest, probably the times when you felt 466 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,800 Speaker 2: the happiest. That's why they made it online. And yet 467 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:24,520 Speaker 2: right now you're comparing a very messy, unfiltered version of 468 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:27,360 Speaker 2: your life with the version of you that was curated 469 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:31,600 Speaker 2: by past you. It's so funny when we compare to 470 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:35,160 Speaker 2: people online. Everyone always says, you know, social media isn't real. 471 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,239 Speaker 2: You've got to remember that for you as well. I 472 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,200 Speaker 2: often think about this when I look at photos of 473 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:45,640 Speaker 2: myself when I was smaller, like physically smaller, when I 474 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:49,200 Speaker 2: waned less, and I'm like, God, she was so fit, 475 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:52,400 Speaker 2: Like she was so fit and healthy, and like, I 476 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,760 Speaker 2: don't look like that anymore now. And then recently I 477 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,960 Speaker 2: found an old phone and I was going through it 478 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:00,760 Speaker 2: and I was like, oh, look, I remember that photo. 479 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,600 Speaker 2: And I went back and I found the photo, and 480 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:04,920 Speaker 2: then I found like the twenty other virgins of that photo, 481 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:09,560 Speaker 2: when I was like, wait a second, Like, I angles, everything, 482 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:13,400 Speaker 2: poses are everything. I know that now, how come I'm 483 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:16,440 Speaker 2: not applying that to past me who knew the same thing. 484 00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:22,760 Speaker 2: Let's also touch briefly on attachment theory. Now, obviously we 485 00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:26,400 Speaker 2: often discuss this in the context of relationship with others, 486 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:30,520 Speaker 2: but here's the nuance. We form attachments not just to people, 487 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,959 Speaker 2: but to aspects of ourselves and our roles and our identities, 488 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:38,680 Speaker 2: even our routines. So losing these internal attachments can also 489 00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:43,920 Speaker 2: evoke a similar form of grief to losing a person. 490 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,160 Speaker 2: The reason that you were so attached to a previous 491 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:50,880 Speaker 2: identity that you had is probably because you really liked 492 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:55,000 Speaker 2: that person and you felt safe and comfortable as that person. 493 00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:59,680 Speaker 2: And so having to kind of rip two people apart, 494 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:02,239 Speaker 2: rip old you and knew you were part is going 495 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:07,680 Speaker 2: to feel like disentangling a whole lot of complex loyalties 496 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:13,360 Speaker 2: and attachments and insecurities and securities between who you were 497 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:17,160 Speaker 2: then and who you are now. So how do we 498 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:23,240 Speaker 2: navigate closing an old chapter? How do we grieve without 499 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:27,040 Speaker 2: getting stuck in the past. I think, firstly, it's so 500 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:30,600 Speaker 2: important to acknowledge this grief. And I was gonna say 501 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,920 Speaker 2: validate it, but I know that some people hate that word, 502 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:36,280 Speaker 2: But you know what, acknowledge and validate the grief. This 503 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:40,200 Speaker 2: is the absolute first step. These feelings are not silly 504 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:44,120 Speaker 2: or irrational. If you feel a pang of sadness or 505 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:47,920 Speaker 2: longing for a past version of yourself, acknowledge it, Say 506 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:52,120 Speaker 2: to yourself, this is a real feeling. I'm obviously very sad, 507 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:58,560 Speaker 2: I'm obviously feeling things that are complex, and I can 508 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,840 Speaker 2: just sit with that for a little while. I don't 509 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:02,160 Speaker 2: have to put it in a box. I don't have 510 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:06,400 Speaker 2: to resolve that feeling right away. What if you actually 511 00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:10,440 Speaker 2: just let yourself for three minutes, three minutes right now, 512 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:15,440 Speaker 2: just feel really sad about who you were. Then I 513 00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:19,520 Speaker 2: find that when I'm really stuck, I do really need 514 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:23,240 Speaker 2: to just put what's in my brain into something physical. 515 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 2: For me, that's journaling. And I know it's such a cliche, 516 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,520 Speaker 2: a cliche thing, but a problem on a page is 517 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:33,160 Speaker 2: a problem halved. One of the journal prompts that I 518 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:37,880 Speaker 2: find incredibly powerful is to write about what I loved 519 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:42,200 Speaker 2: about them, what I missed about them, and whether I 520 00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:46,960 Speaker 2: feel like it's because I'm missing something now. Am I 521 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:50,680 Speaker 2: just reflecting on that time from a place of happiness 522 00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:53,520 Speaker 2: or is there genuinely something that I want to change 523 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:56,800 Speaker 2: in my life that this nostalgia is trying to remind 524 00:32:56,800 --> 00:33:01,120 Speaker 2: me of. Remember, this is a form of enfranchise grief. 525 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,440 Speaker 2: So if other people don't understand it, if other people 526 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:07,240 Speaker 2: make you feel weird about it, if other people say 527 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:10,920 Speaker 2: I know I've never experienced that doesn't really matter. It's 528 00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:15,400 Speaker 2: an emotion that exists within you, means it's valid enough. Think. 529 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:19,360 Speaker 2: Also part of this is practicing self compassion. Think about 530 00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:21,400 Speaker 2: how you'd treat a friend who was going through a 531 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:26,480 Speaker 2: really tough transition. Think about what you would say to 532 00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,720 Speaker 2: a sibling or someone you really loved who came to 533 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:30,959 Speaker 2: you and said, I just can't let go of who 534 00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:34,120 Speaker 2: I was before. What advice would you have for them? 535 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,000 Speaker 2: What do you need to hear? The thing I always 536 00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:40,479 Speaker 2: remind myself of that makes me feel better is that 537 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:45,120 Speaker 2: if I didn't grow, I wouldn't get to experience the world. 538 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:47,880 Speaker 2: If the alternative that I would want is to go 539 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:51,440 Speaker 2: back to the past and relive certain points of my life, 540 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:55,480 Speaker 2: I would be avoiding so much beauty in the future, 541 00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:00,720 Speaker 2: growing older, experiencing new things. That is the huge experience. 542 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:03,600 Speaker 2: That is what I am here for. I'm here to observe, 543 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,360 Speaker 2: I am here to feel. I am here to learn, 544 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:10,640 Speaker 2: and part of that is learning who I'm going to 545 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:13,600 Speaker 2: be at thirty two. Who am I going to be 546 00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:15,359 Speaker 2: at forty five? Who am I going to be as 547 00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,120 Speaker 2: a mother? Who am I going to be as a grandmother? 548 00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:19,560 Speaker 2: Who am I going to be as a wife, as 549 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:25,160 Speaker 2: as an artist, as someone older and wiser. That is 550 00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:27,080 Speaker 2: part of the human experience. It's a gift, it's a 551 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:31,120 Speaker 2: blessing to be able to get there. Instead of viewing 552 00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:34,799 Speaker 2: your past self as well as something that is completely 553 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:38,040 Speaker 2: abandoned or forgotten. You also have to remember that this 554 00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:41,719 Speaker 2: is a foundational layer upon which your current self is 555 00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:45,440 Speaker 2: being built. The old you is still part of your story. 556 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:49,960 Speaker 2: You've just expanded on it, You've just refined them. Think 557 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,759 Speaker 2: of it like a really beautiful building that has undergone 558 00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:57,960 Speaker 2: renovations and additions over time. The beautiful original structure is 559 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:03,000 Speaker 2: still there. It's contributing to its current form and character. 560 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:07,120 Speaker 2: You're just adding to it. Yes, I know we've been 561 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:10,520 Speaker 2: using the word death a lot. Maybe the better word 562 00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:14,720 Speaker 2: is evolution. What kind of small behaviors can you still 563 00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:17,520 Speaker 2: recognize that you do today and what kind of things 564 00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:19,719 Speaker 2: did you learn in the past that are still with 565 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:22,680 Speaker 2: you today? That shows that your past self is still 566 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:25,520 Speaker 2: very much alive and well, they're just not center stage. 567 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:29,280 Speaker 2: I think this really allows us to see identity development 568 00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:31,279 Speaker 2: not as a threat to your stability, but as a 569 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:37,160 Speaker 2: very exciting opportunity for continuous learning, for mastery, for becoming. 570 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:39,719 Speaker 2: If you were who you were at twenty four for 571 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:42,160 Speaker 2: the rest of your life, that would make you a 572 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:46,920 Speaker 2: finished product, that would make you very still, very stagnant, 573 00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:50,680 Speaker 2: very bored. That's not a way you want to live 574 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:54,759 Speaker 2: the pain of growing is actually quite a beautiful thing. 575 00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:59,279 Speaker 2: And whilst it's okay to acknowledge the past, try to 576 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,879 Speaker 2: gently read direct your energy to who you are now, 577 00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:09,040 Speaker 2: ask yourself, and sink deep into your current passions and goals. 578 00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:12,680 Speaker 2: Something that I really really think is important for everyone 579 00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:16,600 Speaker 2: to have is a project of some kind. Often when 580 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:21,040 Speaker 2: we are experiencing intense emotions about the past, very existential 581 00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:25,560 Speaker 2: emotions about identity, we really need something that's going to 582 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,560 Speaker 2: get us out of our mind and into our bodies 583 00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:32,360 Speaker 2: or into a very active mental state, into a flow state. 584 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,319 Speaker 2: This like really saved me last year when I was 585 00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,760 Speaker 2: going through a very difficult time having very existential thoughts, 586 00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:41,600 Speaker 2: I just realized that I spent a lot of my day, 587 00:36:42,040 --> 00:36:46,200 Speaker 2: I gave myself a lot of time to think, and 588 00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:48,040 Speaker 2: at that point, like I didn't need to do any 589 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:52,120 Speaker 2: more thinking. There was nothing that thinking about my thoughts 590 00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:54,880 Speaker 2: was going to get me. Like I had done enough. 591 00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:57,600 Speaker 2: What I really needed to do was start acting on 592 00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:00,880 Speaker 2: something else, acting on a different for an impulse, a 593 00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:06,279 Speaker 2: different interest, a different point of fascination. So I got 594 00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,959 Speaker 2: a project, and that's how like my running journey really began. 595 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,840 Speaker 2: Now I'm running like four or five times a week, 596 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:13,960 Speaker 2: and I love it. And I never thought I was 597 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:16,880 Speaker 2: going to be a runner, but I realized that I 598 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:20,320 Speaker 2: needed something else to think about in that time instead 599 00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:23,719 Speaker 2: of giving my brain the opportunity to just ruminate. Part 600 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:25,919 Speaker 2: of me thinks that the reason I was so hung 601 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,719 Speaker 2: up on past versions of myself and thinking about the 602 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:31,480 Speaker 2: passing of time and change and all that was because 603 00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,400 Speaker 2: I was just bored. Like I genuinely think I was 604 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:37,399 Speaker 2: just bored. And my brain was like, all right, let's 605 00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:39,799 Speaker 2: pull something out of the Let's pull something out of 606 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,160 Speaker 2: the cabinet that will take you a lot of time 607 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,799 Speaker 2: to think about and come to an answer on, because 608 00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:48,400 Speaker 2: there is no answer, right, let's choose this. And what 609 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,280 Speaker 2: I really needed to do was like, stay to my mind, okay, 610 00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:54,239 Speaker 2: but how about we do this instead? And what this 611 00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:58,680 Speaker 2: was was something real and tangible and in my environment, 612 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:00,120 Speaker 2: like I needed to do something with my hand and 613 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:03,040 Speaker 2: with my body. So get a project, get a self 614 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:08,680 Speaker 2: improvement project, get a travel goal, like have a finance goal, 615 00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:11,880 Speaker 2: a savings goal. Go back to UNI, like have something 616 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:13,680 Speaker 2: that you need to work on that you can care 617 00:38:13,719 --> 00:38:18,200 Speaker 2: about and think about, specifically, something that is future orientated 618 00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:21,160 Speaker 2: That can get you out of ruminating on the past 619 00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:25,359 Speaker 2: into projecting good things, good energy, or your resources, your 620 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:28,839 Speaker 2: time into the future. This also might sound a little 621 00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:32,640 Speaker 2: bit woo woo for some of you, but consider doing 622 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:38,120 Speaker 2: some sort of symbolic ritual letting go or for celebrating evolution. 623 00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:43,759 Speaker 2: Whilst they're not formal grief rituals, you can create your 624 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:48,040 Speaker 2: own personal ways to acknowledge the transition and to say, yes, 625 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:51,400 Speaker 2: I'm going to grieve here, I'm going to formally close 626 00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:54,799 Speaker 2: a chapter and kind of make peace with it. This 627 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:57,760 Speaker 2: could be like writing a letter to your past self, 628 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:01,920 Speaker 2: thanking them for the lessons learned, saying goodbye to what 629 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:05,799 Speaker 2: no longer serves you, or conversely creating something like a 630 00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:09,279 Speaker 2: future self vision board. You could also, I don't know 631 00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:13,440 Speaker 2: this sounds really strange, but find memorabilia and photos from 632 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:16,279 Speaker 2: a past version of you, past version of you who 633 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:19,200 Speaker 2: was in a relationship or who was a certain person 634 00:39:19,239 --> 00:39:21,720 Speaker 2: at a certain time, and put them in a box, 635 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:25,400 Speaker 2: send them out to sea, bury them somewhere. Do something 636 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:29,040 Speaker 2: like that that symbolically kind of cuts a tie, mainly 637 00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:32,080 Speaker 2: with parts of yourself that might not be helpful to 638 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:35,000 Speaker 2: bring into the future, but also parts of yourself that 639 00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:39,279 Speaker 2: you're finding you are too actively grieving to move on, 640 00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:42,360 Speaker 2: and you need to just be like, Okay, cool, we 641 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:44,839 Speaker 2: aren't going back there. There's nothing that we can do 642 00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:49,759 Speaker 2: to go back there. So let's formally say goodbye. I 643 00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:53,080 Speaker 2: think there's also a celebration in that. Buy some champagne, 644 00:39:53,239 --> 00:39:56,560 Speaker 2: get some cupcakes. Really, this is for the moments when 645 00:39:56,600 --> 00:40:00,239 Speaker 2: you are super stuck, say goodbye, have a few for 646 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:03,480 Speaker 2: the past version of you, and then celebrate what you 647 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:06,080 Speaker 2: are now. Celebrate this new chapter of life. 648 00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:06,759 Speaker 1: You know. 649 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:09,239 Speaker 2: I read this quote that says every day you wake 650 00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:15,560 Speaker 2: up is another little life, is another birth, and I 651 00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:17,719 Speaker 2: just think that's so beautiful. I'm like, yeah, each day 652 00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:22,319 Speaker 2: is its own little life, it's its own little lifespan. 653 00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:27,680 Speaker 2: And that really helped me in, you know, feeling better 654 00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:30,560 Speaker 2: about being in the present rather than feeling torn to 655 00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:35,480 Speaker 2: the past, stuck in the past and constantly ruminating over 656 00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:38,520 Speaker 2: the future, constantly thinking about it. Okay, we are going 657 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:41,480 Speaker 2: to take one more short break, but when we return, 658 00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:45,240 Speaker 2: we have our listener questions for the day, so stay 659 00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:54,000 Speaker 2: with us. Okay, we have some amazing listener questions for 660 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,880 Speaker 2: this episode. When I went to Instagram and said, what 661 00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:59,279 Speaker 2: do you guys want to know? What dilemmas are you 662 00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:03,000 Speaker 2: facing into grieving past versions of you? A lot of 663 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,040 Speaker 2: you are like, I really need to hear this. I 664 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:08,520 Speaker 2: really need to hear this episode and hear hear my thoughts. 665 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:12,080 Speaker 2: So thank you for sharing. Let's start with this first question. 666 00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:15,680 Speaker 2: How do I actually know when it's time to leave 667 00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:19,319 Speaker 2: a past version of me and step into a new one? 668 00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:24,880 Speaker 2: What are the psychological signs? Oh? I loved this question. 669 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,319 Speaker 2: I was like, I could make a list that goes 670 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:29,560 Speaker 2: on for days, but I'm gonna just leave you with 671 00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:33,640 Speaker 2: three things that I think are really telling. Firstly, you 672 00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:37,839 Speaker 2: feel an inner sense of restlessness. You feel like your 673 00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:42,840 Speaker 2: life currently makes you feel very highly strong, makes you 674 00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:47,800 Speaker 2: feel quite anxious, makes you feel like like your mind 675 00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:51,400 Speaker 2: is racing uncomfortable. You feel this sense of like I 676 00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,200 Speaker 2: want to be doing things. I want things to change, 677 00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:57,279 Speaker 2: I want things to move. You don't know what it 678 00:41:57,400 --> 00:42:00,520 Speaker 2: is yet, but you know something needs to change, so 679 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:04,520 Speaker 2: you're really craving different things. I think Also, you might 680 00:42:05,239 --> 00:42:11,200 Speaker 2: find yourself thinking there has to be more, There has 681 00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:13,480 Speaker 2: to be more to life. What if I meant for 682 00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:16,440 Speaker 2: something else? What if this isn't who I want to 683 00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:19,600 Speaker 2: be for the next ten years? Could I imagine myself 684 00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:22,280 Speaker 2: here for the next five ten years? And the answer 685 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:26,680 Speaker 2: keeps coming back is no. So there's this low hum 686 00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:33,960 Speaker 2: of discontent, this low hum of restlessness. Secondly, the old 687 00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:39,840 Speaker 2: version of you feels kind of like self abandonment. You 688 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,359 Speaker 2: notice that you're constantly saying yes to things you don't 689 00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:47,319 Speaker 2: actually want to do. You're constantly finding yourself bored in 690 00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:52,160 Speaker 2: situations that previously made yourself made you very happy. You 691 00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,440 Speaker 2: can't talk to the people you were friends with during 692 00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:57,680 Speaker 2: that time. You feel like you're hiding parts of yourself. 693 00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:01,040 Speaker 2: It just feels like a betrayal. I was like, these 694 00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:05,920 Speaker 2: people aren't really matching up. And finally, I think that 695 00:43:06,640 --> 00:43:09,760 Speaker 2: you can tell it's time to close an old chapter 696 00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:13,160 Speaker 2: if it feels like it's taking more of you to 697 00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:16,440 Speaker 2: keep the door open than it would to shut. So 698 00:43:16,520 --> 00:43:19,720 Speaker 2: what I mean by that is that it's taking more 699 00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:23,800 Speaker 2: effort for you to keep returning to this old life, 700 00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:27,400 Speaker 2: returning to this past version of you, than it would 701 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:30,800 Speaker 2: to accept the future. I remember when I first moved 702 00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:34,840 Speaker 2: to Sydney from Canberra, I would go back to Canberra 703 00:43:35,040 --> 00:43:38,560 Speaker 2: all the time to see my friends all the time 704 00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:41,120 Speaker 2: to just be in my old neighborhood, and I was like, wait, 705 00:43:41,640 --> 00:43:45,280 Speaker 2: it's taking me so much effort to try and maintain 706 00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:49,719 Speaker 2: this former life. Maybe this is a sign that like 707 00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:51,960 Speaker 2: I need to move on, Like I'm not meant to 708 00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:55,359 Speaker 2: be here anymore. That's a really important sign. I think 709 00:43:56,600 --> 00:44:00,480 Speaker 2: the second question is around forgiveness. How can I actually 710 00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:04,279 Speaker 2: forgive my past self the mistake that I made when 711 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,239 Speaker 2: I didn't know any better. I grieve the fact that 712 00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:10,920 Speaker 2: she could have made better choices. Oh gosh, don't we all? 713 00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:14,680 Speaker 2: There is something that every single one of us regrets 714 00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:19,960 Speaker 2: doing or not doing. I promise you that hold it 715 00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:22,480 Speaker 2: in your mind right now. There's something you regret, there's 716 00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:25,239 Speaker 2: something that you cringe at. So I want you to 717 00:44:25,239 --> 00:44:29,040 Speaker 2: know what's a universal experience. First of all, people are 718 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:32,160 Speaker 2: just better at hiding it. People also aren't going to 719 00:44:32,239 --> 00:44:35,600 Speaker 2: come out and say and talk about their regrets. It's 720 00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:39,160 Speaker 2: this weird thing that we don't do. I think the 721 00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:41,600 Speaker 2: fact that you can acknowledge that you made a mistake 722 00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:45,680 Speaker 2: or that you didn't make a good choice is all 723 00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:49,000 Speaker 2: the evidence that you need that you have grown the 724 00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:52,080 Speaker 2: version of you back then who made that mistake. Who 725 00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:55,000 Speaker 2: did the wrong thing would not be able to acknowledge 726 00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:57,319 Speaker 2: that she did the wrong thing, and she wouldn't be 727 00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:00,919 Speaker 2: able to handle, you know, the humil that would take. 728 00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:04,960 Speaker 2: So you've obviously taken a lot of responsibility. I also 729 00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:08,839 Speaker 2: want to remind you you had no idea about then 730 00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:12,000 Speaker 2: of how everything would have turned out. You really didn't 731 00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:16,040 Speaker 2: know you made a mistake, because that's the only way 732 00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:19,359 Speaker 2: to grow. Literally, the only way to learn is to 733 00:45:19,400 --> 00:45:22,080 Speaker 2: do the wrong thing or to have someone else teach 734 00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:25,960 Speaker 2: you who has done the wrong thing. So you really 735 00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:29,319 Speaker 2: need to have some grace, have some kindness towards your 736 00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:33,280 Speaker 2: past self. I also want you to stop and focus 737 00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:36,600 Speaker 2: on your life right now and think about four things 738 00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:39,880 Speaker 2: that you are incredibly grateful for that have happened in 739 00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:44,520 Speaker 2: the past six months. Four things that probably wouldn't have 740 00:45:44,560 --> 00:45:47,680 Speaker 2: happened if you weren't on this timeline and if you 741 00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:51,400 Speaker 2: weren't on this path. Think about it. You have a 742 00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:55,600 Speaker 2: lot to thank this person, for this past version of you, 743 00:45:55,680 --> 00:45:58,359 Speaker 2: for for making a mistake. Because even if you didn't 744 00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:02,040 Speaker 2: like what she did, even if you are frustrated by 745 00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:05,800 Speaker 2: her stupidity or her naivety of whatever it is it 746 00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:08,920 Speaker 2: still meant that you came across and you ended up 747 00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:12,479 Speaker 2: experiencing these beautiful things, so you do have a little 748 00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:16,480 Speaker 2: bit to be thankful for. Let's talk about this third question. Now, 749 00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:19,319 Speaker 2: I have a dilemma. How do I live with my 750 00:46:19,480 --> 00:46:23,120 Speaker 2: family who still see me as a past version of myself? 751 00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:28,919 Speaker 2: That's tricky. I feel like everyone expects continuity from us. 752 00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:31,920 Speaker 2: It's like that experience when like your grandma keeps buying 753 00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:35,520 Speaker 2: you the same presence based on something that she found 754 00:46:35,719 --> 00:46:37,520 Speaker 2: out that you liked, like back when you were three. 755 00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:39,920 Speaker 2: Like I had this period in my life where everyone 756 00:46:39,960 --> 00:46:42,200 Speaker 2: would buy me rabbit stuff and I was like, I 757 00:46:42,239 --> 00:46:44,920 Speaker 2: don't even like rabbits anymore, Like because I had a 758 00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:47,680 Speaker 2: rabbit when I was like seven, and until I was 759 00:46:47,719 --> 00:46:51,680 Speaker 2: like sixteen, every single Christmas I would get like rabbit slippers, 760 00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:56,160 Speaker 2: rabbit you know, post it nodes, like rabbit clothing, and 761 00:46:56,160 --> 00:46:59,160 Speaker 2: it was very sweet. But it's kind of similar to that, 762 00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:01,360 Speaker 2: but on a more level. You kind of want to 763 00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:03,600 Speaker 2: hold people and scream at them and be like I'm 764 00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:06,080 Speaker 2: not that person, Like can't you see I've changed? Like 765 00:47:06,560 --> 00:47:10,880 Speaker 2: no me for me. Now, the tricky thing is you 766 00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:13,560 Speaker 2: just have to let them be wrong about you. You 767 00:47:13,680 --> 00:47:16,680 Speaker 2: just have to let them be mistaken. The more authentic 768 00:47:16,760 --> 00:47:20,399 Speaker 2: you are, Actually, the less you try and convince them, 769 00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:23,560 Speaker 2: the more I think it comes across to them, the 770 00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:26,320 Speaker 2: more it signals to them that you are different because 771 00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:28,680 Speaker 2: you're living it and you're showing them, and you are 772 00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:33,080 Speaker 2: vibrant in who you are now and your identity that 773 00:47:33,080 --> 00:47:36,719 Speaker 2: you feel comfortable in. So spend less time trying to 774 00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:39,120 Speaker 2: convince them, because I feel like sometimes when we feel 775 00:47:39,120 --> 00:47:41,759 Speaker 2: like we have to convince ourselves, and more time just 776 00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:47,000 Speaker 2: living in the president, living organically and authentically as the 777 00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:49,279 Speaker 2: version of you that you really want to be. Our 778 00:47:49,360 --> 00:47:52,880 Speaker 2: final question for the day. I gave up recently on 779 00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:56,040 Speaker 2: a career that I thought would make me happy because 780 00:47:56,080 --> 00:47:59,600 Speaker 2: I was going broke, But I still wish almost every 781 00:47:59,680 --> 00:48:02,520 Speaker 2: day that I had done it. What is your advice? 782 00:48:03,560 --> 00:48:05,520 Speaker 2: My advice to you is that it is not too late. 783 00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:08,319 Speaker 2: It is never too late. You have all the time 784 00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:11,200 Speaker 2: in the world to go back and try again. Maybe 785 00:48:11,239 --> 00:48:16,680 Speaker 2: the time just wasn't right. Do you know how many actors, authors, musicians, 786 00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:21,360 Speaker 2: sports stars, small business owners, anybody you can think of, 787 00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:26,399 Speaker 2: have stories about them quitting almost every single one of them, 788 00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:31,000 Speaker 2: or have stories about setbacks. Every single one of them does. 789 00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:35,120 Speaker 2: Maybe this is just part of the story, This is 790 00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:39,919 Speaker 2: part of your origin story, the beginning of a really amazing, 791 00:48:40,760 --> 00:48:43,839 Speaker 2: cool chapter that you're about to write of getting back 792 00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:48,120 Speaker 2: on the horse. Also, there is this huge tension between 793 00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,920 Speaker 2: passion and practicality, right, and I talk about this in 794 00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:54,040 Speaker 2: my book. Actually this idea that people often think that 795 00:48:54,040 --> 00:48:58,360 Speaker 2: if you've given up on your dreams, you are somehow 796 00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:02,360 Speaker 2: like undisciplined, you don't actually want it. And what we 797 00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:05,799 Speaker 2: have to realize is that practically money is important. You 798 00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:10,279 Speaker 2: need money to live, You need certain things to be 799 00:49:10,480 --> 00:49:13,799 Speaker 2: well and to survive and to thrive as a human being. 800 00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:18,759 Speaker 2: Because you put your dream on pause for money, that 801 00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:22,160 Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you are any less entitled to that dream. 802 00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:25,319 Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that you deserve it any less. You 803 00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:27,800 Speaker 2: just did what you needed to do. So my advice 804 00:49:27,960 --> 00:49:31,960 Speaker 2: is to find small ways to keep practicing the dream 805 00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:34,960 Speaker 2: career or the dream thing that you want to do 806 00:49:35,200 --> 00:49:37,759 Speaker 2: on a smaller scale, and just to keep at it 807 00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:41,160 Speaker 2: and know that you have heaps of time. Okay, as 808 00:49:41,160 --> 00:49:43,040 Speaker 2: we wrap up today's episode and want to leave you 809 00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:47,759 Speaker 2: with this final thing, the grief you might feel for 810 00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:50,160 Speaker 2: your past self isn't a sign that something is wrong 811 00:49:50,200 --> 00:49:53,279 Speaker 2: with you or that you are stuck, and it is 812 00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:55,640 Speaker 2: certainly not a sign that all the good in your 813 00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:59,359 Speaker 2: life has already happened and is in the past. It's 814 00:49:59,400 --> 00:50:02,440 Speaker 2: actually a very profound indicator that you are growing. I 815 00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:07,319 Speaker 2: fully believe discomfort is the first sign of evolution. You 816 00:50:07,360 --> 00:50:11,640 Speaker 2: are adapting, you are learning, You are becoming this new 817 00:50:11,680 --> 00:50:14,440 Speaker 2: person that you're going to be so proud of. Embrace 818 00:50:14,719 --> 00:50:18,680 Speaker 2: this process, Embrace the pain, Embrace how messy it is, 819 00:50:19,280 --> 00:50:21,719 Speaker 2: and remember that every version of you that fades does 820 00:50:21,760 --> 00:50:26,960 Speaker 2: make space for a stronger, wiser, more real version of you. 821 00:50:27,880 --> 00:50:31,800 Speaker 2: That's really what you're creating. You're creating space for them, 822 00:50:31,920 --> 00:50:34,600 Speaker 2: even if they're not quite there yet. Thank you again 823 00:50:34,760 --> 00:50:37,680 Speaker 2: for listening to this episode. If you've made it this far, 824 00:50:37,800 --> 00:50:40,640 Speaker 2: I want you to leave an emoji in the comments 825 00:50:40,680 --> 00:50:46,160 Speaker 2: that best represents evolution and growth for you. Make sure 826 00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:49,080 Speaker 2: that you are following along wherever you are listening, and 827 00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:53,160 Speaker 2: send this episode to a friend, a colleague, a family member, 828 00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:56,160 Speaker 2: anybody who you think would really really resonate with it. 829 00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,480 Speaker 2: Make sure that you are following me on Instagram at 830 00:50:59,560 --> 00:51:03,000 Speaker 2: that psychology podcast so you can contribute to our listener 831 00:51:03,080 --> 00:51:06,080 Speaker 2: questions plus so much more, and make sure you listen 832 00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:09,120 Speaker 2: to Maltra. I'll leave a link in the description below, 833 00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:12,600 Speaker 2: But until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle 834 00:51:12,680 --> 00:51:16,040 Speaker 2: to your past, present and future self, and we will 835 00:51:16,040 --> 00:51:17,239 Speaker 2: talk very very soon