WEBVTT - Selena Samuela: Turning Tragedy into Strength 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:04.720 Tired of ads interrupting your gripping investigations. Good news AD 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:08.119 free listening on Amazon Music is included with your Prime membership. 0:00:08.440 --> 0:00:11.440 Ads shouldn't be the scariest thing about true crime. Just 0:00:11.480 --> 0:00:14.319 head to Amazon dot com slash ad free True Crime 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:17.400 to catch up on the latest episodes without the ads 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:18.960 and thoughts to a kas shows a free for punch 0:00:18.960 --> 0:00:21.560 describers so some shows me how Ryan Reynolds here for Midmobile. 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:24.680 With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, 0:00:25.000 --> 0:00:27.880 we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:31.040 we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing. 0:00:31.400 --> 0:00:34.360 Midmobile Unlimited Premier Wireless. 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When Laurie mahaalik Levin, CEO of Mindful Return 0:01:28.280 --> 0:01:31.200 and author of Back to Work After Baby, returned to 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:34.640 work as an attorney after maternity leave, she discovered she 0:01:34.680 --> 0:01:37.520 could find a course on pretty much any baby related 0:01:37.560 --> 0:01:41.479 subject under the sun, but she couldn't find any resources 0:01:41.520 --> 0:01:45.479 to help her navigate the personal and professional identity transition 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:48.200 she was going through as she became a working parent. 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:53.600 Louri created Mindful Return to fill this gap. Employers come 0:01:53.640 --> 0:01:56.400 and join the ranks of the ninety eight other organizations 0:01:56.600 --> 0:01:59.960 that already offer the Mindful Return program as parental lead benefit. 0:02:00.600 --> 0:02:03.120 If you're looking for a tool to retain your working parent, 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:12.320 top talent Mindful Return is for you. Before we start 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:14.440 this show, I want to take a moment to talk 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:17.320 about the Supreme Court's decision to take away women's right 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:21.440 to essential reproductive health care. This show is based on 0:02:21.480 --> 0:02:26.400 the privilege of choice, choice in every aspect of our lives. 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.400 I've been open about the fact that having children had 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:32.280 an impact on almost every facet of my life, but 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:36.040 I also chose to have those kids. There are so 0:02:36.160 --> 0:02:38.600 many women who have had to make the difficult decision 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:41.560 of having an abortion. Having a child should be a 0:02:41.600 --> 0:02:46.680 conscious decision, and if you're not prepared, for any reason whatsoever, 0:02:47.440 --> 0:02:50.880 no one should be forced to have a child. This 0:02:50.960 --> 0:02:54.080 podcast firmly believes in a women's right to bodily autonomy. 0:02:54.760 --> 0:02:56.800 I know this is an extremely heavy time for so 0:02:56.880 --> 0:03:05.040 many of us, so take care and keep fighting. I 0:03:05.120 --> 0:03:07.720 want you to know that this episode has references to 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:11.600 addiction and suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling, 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:15.640 call eight hundred two seven three eight two five five 0:03:15.720 --> 0:03:19.160 the National Suicide Hotline, or call the Substance Abuse and 0:03:19.200 --> 0:03:23.360 Mental Health Services Administration Hotline at one eight hundred sixty 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:34.040 six y two Help. Welcome to She Pivots. I'm your host, 0:03:34.360 --> 0:03:38.520 Emily Tish Sussman. I had left my decade long political 0:03:38.520 --> 0:03:41.560 career in DC after having my first two kids during 0:03:41.560 --> 0:03:45.800 the Trump presidency, and felt burnt out after having my 0:03:45.920 --> 0:03:49.280 third child, spending a year in lockdown with my family, 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:53.200 and another tough and exhausting election. I began to find 0:03:53.240 --> 0:03:55.920 solace in the stories of women who had made these 0:03:56.040 --> 0:03:59.680 big career decisions and then found success and happiness in 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:03.640 their I began to realize that so many women had 0:04:03.680 --> 0:04:07.800 pivoted due to personal reasons, and they still found success 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:12.200 through non traditional packs. This new show celebrates these stories, 0:04:12.280 --> 0:04:14.560 and I'm so excited to bring them to you with 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:23.520 She Pivots. Selena Samuela is well known in the world 0:04:23.600 --> 0:04:27.960 of at home fitness as a star Peloton instructor. She 0:04:28.040 --> 0:04:32.359 hosts strength boxing and my personal favorite, the outdoor runs. 0:04:33.200 --> 0:04:36.960 Her intense but warm classes encourage us to push ourselves 0:04:37.040 --> 0:04:41.279 to the max. An Italian American immigrant, her journey to 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:44.440 Peloton began many years ago when she found a love 0:04:44.480 --> 0:04:49.160 for surfing and performing while living in Hawaii, but her 0:04:49.200 --> 0:04:52.839 story is defined by a tragedy in her twenties. By 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:56.320 channeling the strength she found in the healing process. She's 0:04:56.400 --> 0:05:02.839 built a cult following or what she calls her fam. 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:08.000 What's up, Plato Fama? All right, what's up? Fam? We 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:10.600 did it? Twenty minute glutes and legs, ten minutes just 0:05:10.720 --> 0:05:13.400 in bad All right, fam, We've got forty five minute 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:15.240 rock at that boot camp coming up. This is our 0:05:15.320 --> 0:05:17.280 last rock at boot camp for a while. I'm going 0:05:17.320 --> 0:05:21.320 on vacation. I'm Selena Samuela. Well, I guess now, I'm 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:25.479 Selena Simula Virtue because I'm recently married, and I'm a 0:05:25.480 --> 0:05:29.760 Peloton instructor and I teach classes on the tread and 0:05:30.160 --> 0:05:34.040 on the mat so floor for strength, cardio and boxing, 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:38.039 and I feel so honored and so blessed that I 0:05:38.080 --> 0:05:41.599 get to do this. This is my job that I 0:05:41.640 --> 0:05:45.039 get to do some of my favorite stuff. I get 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:46.560 to run, and I get to lift, and I get 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:49.919 to celebrate some of my favorite artists. A lot of 0:05:49.960 --> 0:05:52.240 people are familiar with you. Peloton is so huge. I 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:53.920 don't even know the numbers now, but it's all over 0:05:53.960 --> 0:05:55.760 the country. I'm sure a lot of people are familiar 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:58.239 with you, and those who are new to your classes 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:01.200 will soon learn, but don't always know that you're from Italy. 0:06:01.520 --> 0:06:05.240 I'm from Italy. Yeah, you speak really without an accent. Yes, 0:06:05.520 --> 0:06:10.000 So I moved to the States at like that perfect 0:06:10.160 --> 0:06:14.120 age that they say you can lose an accent. So 0:06:14.200 --> 0:06:17.159 I moved to the States when I was in fifth grade. 0:06:18.279 --> 0:06:20.680 I was born and raised in Italy. We did a 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:22.719 little bit of back and forth in the first few years. 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:26.960 My dad was still in school and my mom is 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:29.760 from Italy. My father's American. And yeah, I moved to 0:06:29.760 --> 0:06:32.719 the States when I was in fifth grade, and the 0:06:32.760 --> 0:06:35.080 first thing I wanted to do was lose my accent, because, 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:37.360 as you probably know, kids can be kind of mean 0:06:37.440 --> 0:06:41.839 at that age, you know, I was an outsider. Especially 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:43.960 the town I moved to is called Elmira, New York, 0:06:44.200 --> 0:06:47.640 and there was certainly no other foreign kids there. I 0:06:47.760 --> 0:06:53.040 was definitely the only immigrant in that school, and I 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:55.840 was considered weird. How do you feel, I mean, you've 0:06:55.839 --> 0:06:57.440 gone into a little bit, but how do you feel 0:06:57.480 --> 0:07:02.440 like your immigrant experience has impacted your path that it's 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:05.599 been such a huge catalyst because I had to learn 0:07:05.640 --> 0:07:10.800 how to pivot, pivot and adjust like at such an 0:07:10.840 --> 0:07:13.920 early age. You know, I was essentially taken away from 0:07:13.920 --> 0:07:18.800 my home, my friends, my family, everything that I'd known 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:23.920 and like plopped in a new world and I had 0:07:23.960 --> 0:07:26.360 to like figure out how to exist and find like 0:07:26.400 --> 0:07:32.360 a new identity as an American girl. In fact, Selena 0:07:32.440 --> 0:07:36.200 truly is an American, although she immigrated at a young 0:07:36.240 --> 0:07:39.400 age from Italy, her father was a citizen. It was 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:41.800 perhaps the first of many times that she'd need to 0:07:41.800 --> 0:07:45.200 straddle to identities because I was I was also an 0:07:45.200 --> 0:07:47.800 American girl, and I, you know, like my dad's American, 0:07:47.840 --> 0:07:50.040 Like I'm Italian, but I'm also American, and I was like, 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:52.680 I really wanted to stand my ground and like make 0:07:52.720 --> 0:07:54.640 that known. So I think that, Yeah, I think that 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:57.600 being an immigrant played a huge role in how I 0:07:57.640 --> 0:08:00.320 approached life, and I think it made it possible for 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:05.560 me to see the possibility and opportunity in the unknown. 0:08:06.440 --> 0:08:08.400 I feel like that's such an important point to make, 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:11.520 that we're so quick to categorize people, but we are 0:08:12.080 --> 0:08:14.280 you know, it's duality. It's more than that. We are 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:16.880 so layered and so many things and can be two 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:19.240 things at the same time. You can be Italian and 0:08:19.280 --> 0:08:22.560 an immigrant and American at the same time. Yeah, And 0:08:22.600 --> 0:08:25.600 figuring out how to figure out that path absolutely and 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:29.120 and it's also it was also a lesson in like, Okay, 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:32.200 this can be scary, but you can make it work. 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:35.400 Like it's scary, but it's worth it. So you've always 0:08:35.440 --> 0:08:38.079 been active and in Hawaii found a love of surfing, 0:08:38.640 --> 0:08:43.160 but you also found acting around then. Yeah so when 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:46.120 So when I was in school in Hawaii, Yeah, I 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:48.520 went to high school in upstate New York. That's you 0:08:48.559 --> 0:08:50.160 know where I moved to Elmira, New York. I was 0:08:50.240 --> 0:08:52.280 there for junior high school, high school, and then I 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:53.720 ended up going to Hawaii. And I went to school 0:08:53.720 --> 0:08:56.360 in Hawaiian and I loved it, but I didn't feel 0:08:56.400 --> 0:08:59.280 like I wasn't passionate about anything that I was doing, 0:08:59.280 --> 0:09:01.240 Like none in my class as we're really like inspiring me. 0:09:01.320 --> 0:09:03.840 I loved learning about new things. I studied a lot 0:09:03.880 --> 0:09:06.440 of Hawaiian studies when I was there. I was obsessed 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:09.280 with surfing, so I wanted to learn everything about the land, 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:12.880 everything about the ocean, everything about this amazing culture that 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:16.240 cultivated and bred this like this sport that I was 0:09:16.280 --> 0:09:19.800 so obsessed with, and via Aloha spirit, like all of 0:09:19.800 --> 0:09:21.280 it just like really jibed with me, and I was 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:23.480 really just all about it. And I wanted also to 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:25.800 just like pay respect to the land, because I like, 0:09:25.960 --> 0:09:28.000 I had such an appreciation for the land and I 0:09:28.080 --> 0:09:29.839 just wanted to, you know, give back. And I did 0:09:29.840 --> 0:09:33.480 a lot of stuff like organizationally, like locally, and that 0:09:33.559 --> 0:09:35.600 was really cool. But I still wasn't like this is 0:09:35.640 --> 0:09:38.640 my path, Like this is what I'm supposed to be 0:09:38.679 --> 0:09:40.160 doing for the rest of my life. I didn't feel 0:09:40.200 --> 0:09:44.640 that then, and so I'd always had this itch to perform. 0:09:44.760 --> 0:09:47.280 I loved performing, and I think part of my obsession 0:09:47.280 --> 0:09:50.640 with surfing too is that I actually had I had 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:52.959 a chance to perform on a wave, like I was 0:09:53.000 --> 0:09:56.040 creating my own art and my own expression. It was 0:09:56.040 --> 0:09:59.480 like an expression session every time I was on a way, 0:09:59.720 --> 0:10:03.000 like oh, this is me, this is you know. Selena 0:10:03.120 --> 0:10:06.520 knew that she loved theater and performing when she was 0:10:06.559 --> 0:10:08.439 in high school back in New York. She had her 0:10:08.440 --> 0:10:12.120 first taste of it. Although surfing filled part of that void, 0:10:12.480 --> 0:10:15.680 she realized she was missing something and she was forced 0:10:15.720 --> 0:10:19.679 to really examine what brought her joy. When I came 0:10:19.720 --> 0:10:21.640 to a moment where I had to pivot or felt 0:10:21.640 --> 0:10:23.440 like something was coming or felt like, you know, like 0:10:23.559 --> 0:10:25.840 something needed to change, I would always take myself like 0:10:25.840 --> 0:10:27.560 what made you really happy? It take myself back to 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:30.720 that place, like what's something that made you really happy 0:10:30.760 --> 0:10:33.360 that you didn't fully get to explore that like you 0:10:33.360 --> 0:10:35.800 should do. And that's when I decided, you know what, 0:10:35.920 --> 0:10:39.520 I'm gonna move to New York. I'm gonna study acting 0:10:39.640 --> 0:10:42.040 and I'm going to write. I want to be a writer, director, 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:44.160 an actor. I want to do all the things. That 0:10:44.280 --> 0:10:46.360 was really just what I felt I wanted to do. 0:10:46.440 --> 0:10:48.840 So I did it. I just knew like there was 0:10:48.920 --> 0:10:52.120 just something in me that like physically, I couldn't stay 0:10:52.160 --> 0:10:53.760 there anymore. I had to try this thing out. And 0:10:53.800 --> 0:10:55.120 I was like, I know, I can always come back 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:58.480 to Hawaii, but I need to try. And so I did. 0:10:58.520 --> 0:11:01.240 I you know, dove in head first, and then a 0:11:01.280 --> 0:11:04.600 lot of things happened from there. But that eventually did 0:11:04.720 --> 0:11:06.960 lead me to Peloton in a really weird way. And 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:09.120 so that's where I ended up kind of leaning towards 0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:12.000 like when I auditioned for UH I audition for a 0:11:12.040 --> 0:11:16.360 number of schools. I auditioned for Yale, I auditioned for RATA, 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:19.720 I auditioned for Juilliard, and I always chose I would 0:11:19.760 --> 0:11:22.400 choose one ingreeneu and like one kind of charactery character, 0:11:22.480 --> 0:11:24.120 whether it was like, you know, you have to have 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:28.360 two monologues like Shakespeare and then contemporary. So I'd always 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:30.400 have one of each. And I wonder if I made 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:32.280 the wrong choice, because I always ended up choosing the 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:34.880 character you want, like the character actor piece, rather than 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:37.680 the like the ingreeneu. And I you know, I didn't 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:50.679 get I didn't get picked. And so in that time 0:11:50.720 --> 0:11:54.480 when you were acting, you met a boyfriend who eventually 0:11:54.480 --> 0:11:59.880 became a fiance. Yeah, and so, I mean, this is 0:11:59.880 --> 0:12:04.720 a tough story, but yeah, so I met this amazingly talented, 0:12:05.960 --> 0:12:09.800 smart just all the things, like checked all the boxes, 0:12:09.880 --> 0:12:11.920 this person who wanted to do all the things I 0:12:11.960 --> 0:12:15.640 wanted to do, wanted to act, wanted to direct, wanted 0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:17.880 to write, just such a talented writer. We were just 0:12:17.960 --> 0:12:22.760 so we were so on par He even spoke more 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:25.800 languages than I did. Yeah, and I just fell head 0:12:25.840 --> 0:12:29.360 over heels. Yeah, how did you guys meet? So we 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:32.800 met through a mutual friend. It was a friend's birthday party. 0:12:33.360 --> 0:12:36.199 And you know, I don't know, I just I think 0:12:36.240 --> 0:12:38.959 I was in a place where I was I got 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:40.320 to a place like this a lot, but I had 0:12:40.360 --> 0:12:42.480 already been like whatever, I don't you know, I'm like, 0:12:42.840 --> 0:12:44.559 I'm about my career, like I have this thing that 0:12:44.600 --> 0:12:46.320 I want to do, like I don't care about having 0:12:46.320 --> 0:12:49.600 a boyfriend right now. And I was young. But it just, 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:53.360 you know, it happened as it does when you're in 0:12:53.400 --> 0:12:56.800 your early twenties and didn't move kind of quickly. It 0:12:56.840 --> 0:12:59.559 moved so fast. It moved so so fast to the 0:12:59.600 --> 0:13:02.640 point where where I mean, now, looking back, I'm like, oh, yeah, 0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:05.600 OUs obvious red flags that I just didn't understand because 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:08.200 I was like twenty two or something, you know, I 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:11.440 was so young. We were together for four years. Yeah, 0:13:11.559 --> 0:13:15.320 we moved in together really really quickly. I was in love. 0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:17.040 I thought this was the person. We were going to 0:13:17.080 --> 0:13:18.720 do everything, Like you said, we're going to conquer the 0:13:18.720 --> 0:13:21.120 world together. We're just we're going to make it and 0:13:21.160 --> 0:13:24.160 we're going to do amazing things. And it started off great. 0:13:24.160 --> 0:13:26.559 We were like bouncing ideas off each other, sharing our 0:13:27.480 --> 0:13:31.199 idea like our scripts, reading our work, you know, doing 0:13:31.240 --> 0:13:34.240 monologues together, stuff like that. It just felt so right. 0:13:35.559 --> 0:13:39.719 We moved in together, a first boyfriend I ever lived with, 0:13:40.160 --> 0:13:42.880 and it just boom like felt like magic and it 0:13:42.920 --> 0:13:45.640 was so amazing. Then six months into it, I learned 0:13:45.640 --> 0:13:50.960 that he was an addict, and I literally, in my 0:13:51.000 --> 0:13:54.720 life had never experienced anything like that before. I don't 0:13:54.880 --> 0:13:57.880 have any I didn't have any understanding of it, Like 0:13:57.880 --> 0:14:00.440 my parents don't really drink. There's no like alcohol, there's 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:05.839 no addiction in my family. It didn't like so maybe 0:14:05.880 --> 0:14:08.520 there were signs. I couldn't have picked up on them 0:14:08.679 --> 0:14:11.880 because I wouldn't have known what they were. But six 0:14:11.920 --> 0:14:14.600 months into the relationship, there were It just became like 0:14:14.679 --> 0:14:19.400 there were things that started happening that were like painfully obvious. 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:22.760 And then the more it became, you know, indoctrinated into 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:26.240 his world and became friends with his friends, it's the 0:14:26.280 --> 0:14:29.720 pieces started kind of coming together and information started kind 0:14:29.760 --> 0:14:33.920 of slipping, and I started to like kind of get 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:36.840 the picture that this wasn't the first time, and that like, 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:39.440 you know, the first time that he had had problems 0:14:39.480 --> 0:14:41.840 with drug abuse and alcohol abust and that it was 0:14:41.920 --> 0:14:46.400 like this is like a career for him. Essentially. It 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:49.280 was what was that conversation like when you found out? 0:14:52.920 --> 0:14:59.520 I think that that's really when I started doing all 0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:01.920 of the things things that now I understand are you know, 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:06.000 the wrong things. But that's like when I started either 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:10.480 making excuses or coming up with ideas on how I 0:15:10.520 --> 0:15:13.600 was going to fix it. And like it's a great 0:15:13.680 --> 0:15:16.400 quality that I have is that I want to help people, 0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:19.840 and and I am very optimistic, and I can always like, Okay, 0:15:19.840 --> 0:15:21.880 there's a way out of this, like we can do it. 0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:25.320 Like yeah, but it you know, in a case like this, 0:15:25.680 --> 0:15:30.440 it can be detrimental to to someone's well being and 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:33.520 to my own well being. But I was losing myself 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:35.400 in it regardless because and I think I don't know 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:37.680 if that was a good thing, because he would start 0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:40.760 to do well and kind of get get into a 0:15:40.800 --> 0:15:44.680 good place where he wasn't abusing drugs or alcohol for 0:15:44.680 --> 0:15:46.240 a while, and I'd be like, Okay, I see the 0:15:46.400 --> 0:15:48.640 proof is in the pudding, like it works, like we're 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:51.760 doing it, and I would, but I was doing so 0:15:51.960 --> 0:15:55.560 much of the work. I was doing so much of 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:59.120 the work. And I mean this is when people say, 0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:03.120 like you can, like you can't want it for them, 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:07.760 They have to want it for themselves because like it 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:09.640 can work for a little bit, and it did, but 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:12.560 it will eventually fall apart. But in the process. I 0:16:12.720 --> 0:16:14.960 was really losing myself because all of my focus was 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:19.800 going to keeping him healthy and keeping him working. So 0:16:19.880 --> 0:16:23.360 did it fight with your like, with your vision of yourself, 0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:25.800 with your own ambition. Yeah. And I think it took 0:16:25.840 --> 0:16:29.160 a while before I understood even understood that because I 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:33.120 got so lost and enveloped in him and his world. 0:16:33.160 --> 0:16:37.000 I was just really like almost obsessive. It was toxic. Yeah, 0:16:37.040 --> 0:16:41.040 I can only imagine. Yeah, And quite frankly, I don't 0:16:41.080 --> 0:16:43.960 even really know how to ask this question, but I mean, 0:16:44.000 --> 0:16:48.120 can you tell us what happened to him? Yeah? I 0:16:48.120 --> 0:16:50.200 struggle with this for a number of reasons because I 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:54.240 want to be respectful to him, his memory as family 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:58.960 members who are remaining. But you know, I also think 0:16:59.000 --> 0:17:01.720 that it is a I think that there are probably 0:17:01.920 --> 0:17:04.480 many people out there that are experiencing something similar to me. 0:17:05.040 --> 0:17:07.320 And I also think that this is not I'm not 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:12.600 an outlier. This is a prominent issue in our country 0:17:12.680 --> 0:17:14.119 right now. There are a lot of people that are 0:17:14.119 --> 0:17:19.040 suffering from I mean, they call it like it's like 0:17:19.280 --> 0:17:22.880 essentially an epidemic, like's there's a real there's a problem. 0:17:25.000 --> 0:17:30.719 So lex was eventually like in our relationship, one of 0:17:30.880 --> 0:17:34.240 the downs got really bad. I gave him an ultimatum. 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:40.680 He went to rehabit. He did really really well for 0:17:40.800 --> 0:17:45.600 a while, eight months actually eight months clean seemed like 0:17:45.640 --> 0:17:49.040 it was we were on a good trajectory. He went 0:17:49.119 --> 0:17:52.280 out to rehab in Los Angeles while I stayed in 0:17:52.320 --> 0:18:10.000 New York. But he had a relapse and I Los Angeles. 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:21.640 How did you manage that? I didn't at first, I 0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:27.480 honestly did did nothing like. I did nothing. I froze. 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:33.439 I mean I would, like, you know, cry and have 0:18:34.920 --> 0:18:41.280 literally scream because I felt so powerless, and I myself 0:18:41.400 --> 0:18:50.720 had like I struggled with depression anxiety. I was very, 0:18:50.800 --> 0:18:54.800 very sad. I was a sad person. I sheltered myself 0:18:54.840 --> 0:18:59.600 from the world. I wasn't pursuing my career anymore. I 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:03.479 stopped writing, I stopped I even stopped reading, Like, I 0:19:03.520 --> 0:19:07.720 stopped doing most of anything except for feeling sorry for 0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:13.520 myself for almost an entire year. What was your support 0:19:13.560 --> 0:19:17.760 system like then? Well, I shut a lot of people out. 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:22.919 I don't like, I don't know what exactly got me 0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:29.359 to start trying again, or what like got me to 0:19:29.440 --> 0:19:32.840 recognize the hope that still existed. Do you remember was 0:19:32.840 --> 0:19:35.640 it like one moment when you started to see yourself 0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:38.800 come out of it. Yeah, So I think it was 0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:41.320 kind of a slow process. So it started, you know 0:19:41.359 --> 0:19:45.480 with like writing again. I started playing music again. I 0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:48.879 play guitar. I'm not great, but I play guitar and 0:19:48.960 --> 0:19:51.399 I like to I like to write songs. So I 0:19:51.400 --> 0:19:53.760 started to do all the like cathartic stuff, right, the 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:56.879 things that like again I knew that I like the 0:19:56.880 --> 0:19:59.239 things I loved, and like, find the things that you 0:19:59.280 --> 0:20:01.280 love and start doing them, or maybe find the things 0:20:01.280 --> 0:20:03.840 you love and you haven't fully explored, and you know, 0:20:03.920 --> 0:20:06.959 started started working on my songwriting again, started working on 0:20:07.000 --> 0:20:09.159 my even if I knew it wasn't necessarily going to 0:20:09.160 --> 0:20:11.960 be a career, but just doing it to like get 0:20:12.000 --> 0:20:15.840 it out, like and find a little joy maybe, Yeah, 0:20:15.880 --> 0:20:18.879 because even if I was writing sad songs, you know, 0:20:18.960 --> 0:20:21.680 or songs about my experience, there is catharsis and there 0:20:21.720 --> 0:20:24.480 is joy, and there's like there's you want to keep 0:20:24.520 --> 0:20:28.040 doing it, you know, because it feels good. Yeah. Do 0:20:28.080 --> 0:20:31.000 you think you had felt guilty about finding joy during 0:20:31.040 --> 0:20:34.560 that first year? That's I'm so glad that you brought 0:20:34.560 --> 0:20:37.000 that up, because I think that that that a lot 0:20:37.080 --> 0:20:40.040 of that, A lot of my kind of pushing people 0:20:40.080 --> 0:20:43.320 away had to do with guilt. Like I think there 0:20:43.400 --> 0:20:46.439 was a part of me that was like why, Like 0:20:46.480 --> 0:20:48.919 why do I get to like to not have the 0:20:48.920 --> 0:20:50.639 same kind of problems that you had, like and to 0:20:50.680 --> 0:20:53.000 still be here and like like live. I think there 0:20:53.080 --> 0:20:56.399 was definitely like a part of me that was like 0:20:56.640 --> 0:21:01.080 why my special There came a point where I I decided, 0:21:01.560 --> 0:21:02.840 you know, I started kind of a little by little 0:21:02.840 --> 0:21:05.000 the journaling, the music did it, and then I was like, okay, 0:21:05.600 --> 0:21:08.880 what else, Selena like, let's go back, Let's really go back. 0:21:08.960 --> 0:21:11.520 Let's let's find these like moments of like pure joy. 0:21:11.520 --> 0:21:14.440 And I was like moving my body, surfing in Hawaii, 0:21:14.480 --> 0:21:17.760 going on your runs, having a routine. So that's when 0:21:17.800 --> 0:21:22.080 I started doing some fitness classes in New York City, 0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:25.440 and then I was doing some like boxing for fitness classes. 0:21:25.680 --> 0:21:30.480 And then I totally did this crazy thing. 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