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Speaker 1: I think a lot of people could look at me

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Speaker 1: and be like, Wow, she's so fearless. But no, I'm terrified.

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Speaker 1: I just know that I'm scared, and I put the

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Speaker 1: fear behind me and jump in the water, rather than

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Speaker 1: knowing I'm scared, putting the fear in front of me

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Speaker 1: and letting us stop. Welcome back guys to the This

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Speaker 1: is the fifth fit episode is the fifth episode. Who

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Speaker 1: knew we would make it this far? You Need Therapy Podcast.

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Speaker 1: It's a special day. Before we get started, though, I

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Speaker 1: want to say thank you again to Alex over at

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Speaker 1: at Booth Tunes for the intra music never gets old,

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Speaker 1: so thank you again. Now, before we get into anything,

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Speaker 1: I have a very special, top secret announcement which is

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Speaker 1: a top secret because I told a couple of people

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Speaker 1: because I couldn't help myself. But after the episode last

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Speaker 1: week and a drum roll, I really want a drum roll? Um,

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Speaker 1: So after that, Okay, after the episode last week, there

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Speaker 1: were some decisions that were made and some meetings that

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Speaker 1: were had, and some direction ships that were created, and

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Speaker 1: it looks like you guys are gaining a co host

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Speaker 1: to this podcast, and I wish that you could like

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Speaker 1: live guests who it's going to be. But I guess

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Speaker 1: it's probably also obvious, but Megan is now going to

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Speaker 1: be a permanent member of this podcast and my co

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Speaker 1: host and my like co chair and whatever. It is

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Speaker 1: not vice president president like president and president. Right, it's right,

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Speaker 1: I need to be co president. Right, So welcome Megan

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Speaker 1: to your permanent spot on the couch. Yeah, this is

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Speaker 1: so fun. I feel so great. You know, it was

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Speaker 1: so fun. We got so much great feedback after the

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Speaker 1: podcast last week. But I think both of us the

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Speaker 1: fun part was that both of us were on like

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Speaker 1: the same page as we were recording the last episode.

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Speaker 1: You know, we had talked about something I was working

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Speaker 1: on independently, and then as we were recording together, I

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Speaker 1: was like, man, I don't want to be alone, Like

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Speaker 1: I don't want to do any more projects alone. And

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Speaker 1: so as we were recording, I was kind of even

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Speaker 1: thinking like what would this be like if we did

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Speaker 1: this together, and kind of was like, oh, I need

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Speaker 1: to think about it, and we need to make sure

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Speaker 1: some things are in place. But it was almost like

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Speaker 1: as soon as we stopped recording, you were like, let's

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Speaker 1: do this together, and I was like, yeah, let's think

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Speaker 1: about it and process a few things, and then also like,

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Speaker 1: with so much great feedback, it was almost a no brainer. Yeah. Well,

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Speaker 1: and behind the scenes, Megan and I had gone to

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Speaker 1: lunch Monday, so a week was that a week I

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Speaker 1: guess two weeks ago now, and we were talking about

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Speaker 1: we want to do something together work wise, but we

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Speaker 1: don't know what it is, and we threw out a

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Speaker 1: couple of options. And then after yeah, after we recorded

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Speaker 1: the the episode, it was like, well, this is what

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Speaker 1: we do, like, this is what we're doing together, like easy.

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Speaker 1: It's really proof that like we don't always know what's

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Speaker 1: going to happen with things, but it's really proof of

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Speaker 1: like stepping into something and seeing what happens. And so

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Speaker 1: it's really cool to have that have happened right here,

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Speaker 1: almost on the air, of us going to lunch and

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Speaker 1: talking about things and then stepping into doing the next

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Speaker 1: most obvious thing in front of us, and then now

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Speaker 1: we're doing the next most obvious thing in front of us,

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Speaker 1: and from there, like who knows where the path will

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Speaker 1: lead us. But really, I think it's cool that we

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Speaker 1: could take some action and and really even give an

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Speaker 1: example of how we're just following the next thing. Yeah, here,

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Speaker 1: we are, here, we are, And I mean, I'm just honestly,

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Speaker 1: I just have to say I'm glad that you're here.

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Speaker 1: You know. Like after Wednesday's events, I was at Brandy

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Speaker 1: Carlile and kind of thinking like, shit, I'm gonna have

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Speaker 1: to leave and go bail Catherine not to jail, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, what are you talking about. I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna let that slide. Like, I was like, I can't

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Speaker 1: leave this concert, you know. I just hawk some tickets

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Speaker 1: off Craig's list wait um, and was so thrilled that

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Speaker 1: they scanned. And then I'm getting texts about a warrant.

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Speaker 1: Everything we would. We have to tell the story. Now

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Speaker 1: you guys are confused, Well some of you aren't, because

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Speaker 1: I told some of me this story. But go ahead,

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Speaker 1: you can let me start and then you can fill

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Speaker 1: in the gap. So what Megan is alluding to, I'm

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Speaker 1: also glad I'm here. That's information. So I walked into Wednesday.

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Speaker 1: It was a weird day anyway, because I got some

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Speaker 1: really great news and then I went from getting that

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Speaker 1: really great news to my office and I was got

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Speaker 1: here a little early. So I get to my door

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Speaker 1: and there's this like bright yellow piece of paper. I

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Speaker 1: feel like telling the story is going to get me

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Speaker 1: arrested too. I don't know, I'm so fair annoying. There's

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Speaker 1: just right yellow piece of paper that's like civil warrant

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Speaker 1: office in like an officer's name, my name, and then

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Speaker 1: like a phone number. So backstory. I constantly have this

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Speaker 1: fear that I'm going to get arrested and I'm doing

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Speaker 1: because I own a business that I'm like, am I

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Speaker 1: doing something wrong? Like what am I did? I forget

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Speaker 1: to do something? Or is there there's always in the

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Speaker 1: back of my head like something that we can talk

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Speaker 1: about that sometimes yeah, we can't. So I don't have

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Speaker 1: a lot of times what I get a phone call

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Speaker 1: that I don't know the person. If it's like a

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Speaker 1: NO number, I won't answer it because I'm like, what

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Speaker 1: are they going to ask me? What if I don't

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Speaker 1: know the answer, and then I'm going to go to jail.

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Speaker 1: It's where my head goes. So anyway, I get this

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Speaker 1: thing and I immediately text my mom. I texted a

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Speaker 1: lot of people. So I text my mom, I text

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Speaker 1: um Megan, and I text my friend Blair, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: what is this? What do you think it's happening to me.

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Speaker 1: And my Mom's like, relax, like we get this all

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Speaker 1: the time, Like it's just like they you owe money

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Speaker 1: to somebody and you just have to pay the money.

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Speaker 1: It's fine. And I'm like, well, like what if like

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Speaker 1: they when they come and I don't if I don't

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Speaker 1: have the money on me, are they're gonna arrest me?

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Speaker 1: Like do I go to jail now? Like do you

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Speaker 1: have to? Like what's going to happen? And I was

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Speaker 1: sitting there thinking to myself, like, I, Katherine Defata cannot

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Speaker 1: survive a day in jail. I can't. I wouldn't be

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Speaker 1: able to, which is a really funny picture that I'm

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Speaker 1: getting in my head. I think I could survive. I don't.

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Speaker 1: I'm maybe, but I don't. I didn't want to find out,

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Speaker 1: so I texted. I texted you, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: did you see this? And so I guess you left

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Speaker 1: right before the guy got there, so officer, I gotta

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Speaker 1: make this shorter. But anyway, so I called the number.

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Speaker 1: He didn't answer, So I to sit through my first

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Speaker 1: session like panicked, and luckily I had some experience with this,

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Speaker 1: was like you don't know worries one time the cops

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Speaker 1: came in the middle of the night to rest my

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Speaker 1: mom when I was little, and it was just for

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Speaker 1: not paying a parking ticket. So I got to my

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Speaker 1: car and I dig through my car and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: what parking tickets? And I paid lo and behold I

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Speaker 1: found one. I paid it. It was a ten dollar

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Speaker 1: parking ticket that I had paid because it was from

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Speaker 1: January nineteen. Oh god, So I thought that was it

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Speaker 1: because you told me that. But even when you told

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Speaker 1: me that story, I was asking you a lot of

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Speaker 1: questions because I needed to make sure that I wasn't

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Speaker 1: going to get arrested, right, And I mean, I told you,

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Speaker 1: you know, even though it's a traumatic story that to

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Speaker 1: think about. You know, I cried as the cops were

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Speaker 1: there at the front door, and we're like, please don't

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Speaker 1: take our mom to jail. So I was like everything,

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Speaker 1: didn't take her, right, I didn't take her. She just

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Speaker 1: had to make a few phone calls. It was a

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Speaker 1: speeting ticket, not a parking ticket. But well anyway, so

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Speaker 1: then I'm like, what did I do in like my

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Speaker 1: sleep that I'm unaware of sit through that session And

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Speaker 1: finally my friend Blair asked her boyfriend what it is.

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Speaker 1: He's the smart person and like looks up online like

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Speaker 1: can you go to jail for a civil warrant? And

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Speaker 1: apparently you can't. Well, but I didn't believe it. It's

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Speaker 1: good information pass along to our listeners, right yeah. But

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Speaker 1: so then I called the guy ended up calling it

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Speaker 1: back in my session and I called him back and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, Hi, this is Catherine Defata, like so and

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Speaker 1: he's like hey. He was like I forgot why I

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Speaker 1: was over there. Um oh yeah, I remember. He was like,

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Speaker 1: let me pull over so I can get this paper out.

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Speaker 1: He was like you owe, So I'm like, you owe

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Speaker 1: forty dollars. I was like, what, you came to my

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Speaker 1: place of business and gave me a civil warrant notice

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Speaker 1: because I owe forty dollars because I this is the

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Speaker 1: this is what happened. So I didn't. They're saying that

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Speaker 1: I didn't pay a business tax, business license tax last

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Speaker 1: year for a company that I no longer Oh adventures

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Speaker 1: one of my idea back when gother was in the

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Speaker 1: jewelry business. So yeah, I had this jewelry business for

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Speaker 1: like a day and I got a business license so

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Speaker 1: I could get wholesale jewelry materials, but I never actually

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Speaker 1: used the license, so I closed it. And I remember

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Speaker 1: like two years ago, being like, are you sure this

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Speaker 1: is all I have to do on the phone and

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Speaker 1: she's like yeah, like it's done. You to pay the

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Speaker 1: last tax and then you're done. So last ye, I

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Speaker 1: didn't file anything, and I'm like, why didn't they even

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Speaker 1: send me a letter? Their first course of action was

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Speaker 1: to sent a sheriff to my work. I'm thankful that

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Speaker 1: I wasn't here. Yeah, I'm thankful I wasn't here. I

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Speaker 1: feel like katain Nevada, I don't know where right. So anyway,

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Speaker 1: he was so sweet and he was like, yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: actually I think he was overwhelmed by me because I

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Speaker 1: kept asking him questions and he was like, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I don't really know. I just have to give you

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Speaker 1: this paper. I'll bring it back tomorrow. But everything's okay,

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Speaker 1: and I go, okay, but I just have to make

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Speaker 1: this clear. When you come back tomorrow if i'm here,

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Speaker 1: will you arrest me? He just was like, no, ma'am,

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to arrest you. And then he goes,

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Speaker 1: and I really just want to apologize because it seems

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Speaker 1: as though your place of business is a calming environment,

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Speaker 1: and I think I might have startled some people. See

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Speaker 1: we got some good feedback on the environment, the ambiance

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Speaker 1: in the office. But my response was, well, yes, but

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Speaker 1: you startled me like I wasn't even here when you

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Speaker 1: were here. There's there are another way for you to

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Speaker 1: go about these things, right, So anyway, I got the paperwork.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna figure I got thirty days to pay this

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Speaker 1: fine somewhere. She's gonna pull out the crumpeled bill from

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Speaker 1: freaking parking ticket. I could like I did never have

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Speaker 1: to really pay that probably, So I'm so she's here people,

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Speaker 1: she's able to report this record the podcast the big

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Speaker 1: like that happens to you, You're going to be The

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Speaker 1: lesson we've all learned is you're gonna be okay. Like

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Speaker 1: you're gonna be okay, You're going to figure it out.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god. So today is super fun because I

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Speaker 1: get to be in the lead chair and interview you,

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Speaker 1: which I'm really excited about. Last episode, Catherine told a

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Speaker 1: story about her first time meeting me, and sadly I

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Speaker 1: didn't remember that. But what I do know is and

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Speaker 1: kind of what I was telling you a little bit

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Speaker 1: before is one of my favorite things about you is

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Speaker 1: your ability to jump into new stuff, including the jewelery business. Right, yeah, Hey,

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Speaker 1: I was pretty good at making jewelry. I will say that.

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Speaker 1: I know I remember seeing some of that. I think

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Speaker 1: on Instagram. I still have been. I have some extra

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Speaker 1: stuff if you want something perfect, if it's free, and

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Speaker 1: I love free, I love a good I don't have

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Speaker 1: a business license anymore. I can't sell it to you, true,

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Speaker 1: and so like, really, when I think about that, I'm

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Speaker 1: just thinking about all the things you've done in jewelry,

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Speaker 1: business cycle, bar instructor, therapist, running marathons, like I'm sure

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of stuff I leave out too, but

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Speaker 1: I'm always amazed at like, dang, Katherine's on our new thing,

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Speaker 1: And how do I get some some of that courage

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Speaker 1: and ability just to jump into stuff that you have?

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, which, okay, go ahead. So I want I

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Speaker 1: have to say I'm excited about this episode. By the way, there,

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Speaker 1: this is it. We're the intro is We're here. But

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Speaker 1: I am used to as a therapist, and just in

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Speaker 1: the last couple of episodes of like, I'm in control

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Speaker 1: of what I say. I don't nobody's asking really meet questions,

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Speaker 1: and as a therapist, I don't have to really talk

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Speaker 1: that much about myself, so I will say I'm going

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Speaker 1: into this with some of my residual anxiety from my

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Speaker 1: almost arrest. Great. I traumatize my guests before we got started,

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Speaker 1: so it's good. So I have a lot of that.

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Speaker 1: I'm excited about this because it's also something I've never done.

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Speaker 1: But to speak to what you just said, it is

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Speaker 1: so nice to hear that that somebody like sees my

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Speaker 1: jumping from thing to thing as like a trait to

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Speaker 1: I'd be envious, though, but value because a lot of

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Speaker 1: my work the past a couple of months has been

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Speaker 1: around why the hell can I stay still? And it's

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Speaker 1: been in relationships, but it's also been just like what

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Speaker 1: you're saying, I Oh, I do get feedback from friends

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Speaker 1: and stuff saying like, oh, it's so cool, like when

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Speaker 1: you want to do something, you just do it. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know what it is. I really don't know

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Speaker 1: what it is about me that allows me to do that.

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Speaker 1: We can, we can wrestle through that. But I have

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Speaker 1: looked at that as I have this word embarrassing that

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Speaker 1: I've been working on not using sounds like it's in

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Speaker 1: the shame family. It is, but that's like the word

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Speaker 1: I go through. And one of my best friends, tor Um,

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Speaker 1: she came to visit and she were like laughing and

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Speaker 1: she said something and she was like, you say everything

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Speaker 1: is embarrassing, like and it started out as a joke

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Speaker 1: and then she was like, you're really turning that into everything.

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Speaker 1: She's like, these things are embarrassing and you're even like

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Speaker 1: almost what she was saying is you are watering down

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Speaker 1: and deluding the word because these things that you're talking

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Speaker 1: about aren't embarrassing. Nobody else thinks that. And so I

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Speaker 1: went into therapy that next week and I was talking

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Speaker 1: about that and I was like, yeah, I like, I

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Speaker 1: think I am so fearful of people looking at what

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Speaker 1: I'm doing as embarrassing and I don't know why because

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Speaker 1: nobody's ever said that to me. And so, long story short,

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Speaker 1: it's going to be interesting to talk about this stuff

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Speaker 1: because it's something that I have recently learned to actually

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Speaker 1: truly and I do believe it now. I do believe

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Speaker 1: that that part of me is good and that's essentially

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Speaker 1: a gift that I've that God has put that in

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Speaker 1: me to be able to do those things for a reason.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure why yet, but there's probably definitely gonna

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Speaker 1: be a shame that comes out. But what I think,

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to say, thank you for saying thank you

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Speaker 1: value something that has been hard for me to accept,

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Speaker 1: and it's so fun to be able to talk about

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Speaker 1: it and like even your honesty in it, because I

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Speaker 1: think a lot of us carry the same sort of

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Speaker 1: shame around some of our things that are giftings, because

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Speaker 1: a lot of our giftings are also huge limitations. Like

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Speaker 1: when I think about people that I kind of look

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Speaker 1: at them and admire some of what they have a

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Speaker 1: lot of times actually I can admire like being able

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Speaker 1: to do lots of different things, which is something that

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Speaker 1: I connect with more. And then I also really admire

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Speaker 1: people who are just like steady constant, like Eric is

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Speaker 1: a steady constant. And sometimes I'm like, wow, I am

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Speaker 1: like always like here and there, and I'm sure you

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Speaker 1: can really like. Part of it is like when I

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Speaker 1: when I'm really in my element and talking and dreaming,

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Speaker 1: like I I throw out about of the ideas I have,

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Speaker 1: but the other ten are like the goal and sometimes

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Speaker 1: I'm like, Wow, I wish I could be like this

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Speaker 1: other person and do all that in my head and

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Speaker 1: then just give you my one thing. Yeah. Well, And

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Speaker 1: I think that speaks to this cliche of the grass

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Speaker 1: is always greener because we always were looking at I

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Speaker 1: do the same thing. I look at people and I'm like, Wow,

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Speaker 1: they have that one thing. They're passionate about one thing,

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Speaker 1: and they really go for it. What is that like?

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Speaker 1: Because every day I'm like, well, do I want to

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Speaker 1: do this? Now? Do I want to do this? Now?

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Speaker 1: What if I do this? And I'm somebody who's like

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Speaker 1: I'd rather try and fail than just like not know.

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Speaker 1: So I'm always trying these things, but they're definitely our

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Speaker 1: moments that I'm like, oh, I wonder what it would

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Speaker 1: feel like to just be like okay with this one

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Speaker 1: thing forever. And I think a lot of people think

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Speaker 1: the opposite of me. And what I'm here to say

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Speaker 1: is like we need both. We have to have both

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Speaker 1: because all the other types of individuals out there right, Yes,

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Speaker 1: we need them all. And I think that's been a

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Speaker 1: point of like radical acceptance for me is like I

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Speaker 1: don't have to like necessarily the traits that God has

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Speaker 1: given me and how He's created me to be in

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Speaker 1: this world. I just have to accept that there is

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Speaker 1: a purpose for it. One day, hopefully I'll figure it out.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know if it's important for

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Speaker 1: me to figure out yet why I am wired this way,

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Speaker 1: other than the world needs somebody like me. Yeah, And

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Speaker 1: what if the point isn't to figure out why you're

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Speaker 1: wired this way? It's almost how to channel it in

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Speaker 1: the right direction? Right? Yeah? How do I move all

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Speaker 1: this energy I have into the direction that it's supposed

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Speaker 1: to go? Yeah, and be able to stay committed to

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Speaker 1: something for a certain period of time until you need

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Speaker 1: something else? Can you guide me? Should I stop doing

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Speaker 1: therapy now? The good thing is that I'm a therapist too.

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Speaker 1: Um So even when you're talking about some of your

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Speaker 1: anxiety around talking, um, yeah, I'm here to help. Thank you.

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Speaker 1: I always tell people when they ask for referrals, I

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Speaker 1: give them you. Obviously I can't confirm her tony well,

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Speaker 1: and I always say I think it's helpful for them. Here.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, if I were to go to a therapists,

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Speaker 1: she's somebody I would want to go to, but I can't.

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Speaker 1: And this is nice because it kind of feels like

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Speaker 1: I'm getting it. Yeah. Yeah. So one of the biggest

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Speaker 1: things I was thinking about, I'm like, wow, if I

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Speaker 1: had time just to be able to sit and ask

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Speaker 1: Katherine some questions, It's like what do I want to know?

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Speaker 1: And I think the one of the questions that really

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Speaker 1: bubbled up first within me is what is your favorite

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Speaker 1: idea that you've ever had? Oh? My god, you know,

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Speaker 1: I wish that I this is what I wish that

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Speaker 1: I write down all my ideas because I don't, like

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Speaker 1: I'll be in the car and I'm like, oh, I

351
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Speaker 1: should write a book about this. And I actually have started,

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Speaker 1: um if I can remember writing those things down, But dude,

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Speaker 1: I don't know my favorite idea. I truly don't know.

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Speaker 1: Because then I'm also thinking like it's my favorite idea

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Speaker 1: of the idea that I have worked. I just have

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Speaker 1: worked the best best. And and then there's also like

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Speaker 1: my favorite idea like career wise, or my favorite idea socially,

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Speaker 1: you're my favorite idea of relationally because I can go

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Speaker 1: down for different ads with that. If we're speaking like

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Speaker 1: social aspects, I always have ideas for like things that

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Speaker 1: our friends can do and we do get this feedback

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Speaker 1: a lot. Are my core group of friends. People look

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Speaker 1: at us and there, you guys look like the most

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Speaker 1: fun group of friends. You're always doing something. And one,

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Speaker 1: I'll say two things on that. One, you are basing

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Speaker 1: that off of what we're posting on social media, which,

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Speaker 1: of course when we do something fun, we're going to

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Speaker 1: post that slash. I on a break right now from

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Speaker 1: from Instagram. Personally, I'm still on my work. One. That's

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Speaker 1: interesting because after last week's episode where you kind of

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Speaker 1: confronted me about my instagramming, I've really stuffed up my

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Speaker 1: game and trying to be more consistent, and somehow you've

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Speaker 1: gone away. But that's life. We're always changing always. But

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Speaker 1: but too so, Yeah, you're just seeing us on Instagram,

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Speaker 1: but too like we there are a couple of people

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Speaker 1: like me in that in our group, but we do

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Speaker 1: or we're always looking at like what's the next fun

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Speaker 1: thing we can do? Because I'm in that aspect of

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Speaker 1: like I'm young, I don't know what I'm gonna die.

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Speaker 1: I want to do as much stuff as I can

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Speaker 1: do right now. I'm single, i don't have kids. I'm

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Speaker 1: finally like in a place financially unless I get arrested

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Speaker 1: that I can do some things that I've always wanted

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Speaker 1: to do. So I'm like, yeah, I go like book

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Speaker 1: the trip, like go to the go see the show,

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Speaker 1: go to that new restaurant, like we're always doing that stuff.

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Speaker 1: But so in this last year, my favorite thing, that

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Speaker 1: my favorite idea I think I have had was a

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Speaker 1: bunch of my friends have recently turned thirty. And in May,

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Speaker 1: one of my good friends, Taylor turned thirty, and um,

391
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Speaker 1: really what should we do for Taylor? And she wanted

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Speaker 1: to go sky diving, I think, and that's I will

393
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Speaker 1: never do that. Really, I know that he went, yeah, no,

394
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Speaker 1: I will not. I will not, And a lot of

395
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Speaker 1: our friends didn't want to do. That's how I feel

396
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Speaker 1: about bungee jumping though. Never. Oh I do not understand.

397
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Speaker 1: I want to go to hunted houses either. Why do

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Speaker 1: people pay to freak themselves out? I don't know. For me,

399
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Speaker 1: I think because I have so much fear some things,

400
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Speaker 1: I'm just like I have to step into this, but

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Speaker 1: there are other things that I have to be around

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Speaker 1: that I'm like, oh no, yeah, well, so she want

403
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Speaker 1: to do that, we did not, and I was like, well,

404
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Speaker 1: we have to do something fun. For her, and um,

405
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Speaker 1: I was like, can I just like take the reins

406
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Speaker 1: on this? And uh, we planned a scavenger hunt and

407
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,879
Speaker 1: my other friends helped it and holding about myself, we

408
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,520
Speaker 1: plan a scavenger hunt all around Nashville and we went

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Speaker 1: to all of her favorite places and we put one

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Speaker 1: of her friends at every single place. So every time

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Speaker 1: she went to so she made this big riddle me

412
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Speaker 1: and my friend Kelen made this big riddle I think

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Speaker 1: it was Kellen um. And then each friend had a

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Speaker 1: clue and they each went to and like the we

415
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Speaker 1: would lead to the next place. But every time she

416
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Speaker 1: went to a place, the friend would get in the car.

417
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Speaker 1: And then by the end we had like ten people

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Speaker 1: with us, and we ended at this event that had

419
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Speaker 1: she wanted to act through and it just so happened

420
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Speaker 1: to have free act throwing from God. So we ended there.

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Speaker 1: But it was so fun that like the whole day

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Speaker 1: we were going to and it was silly like some

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Speaker 1: of the places we went to, like we're a Dollar

424
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Speaker 1: General in Subway, but we also would like her favorite

425
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Speaker 1: place to work out and um, like her favorite place

426
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Speaker 1: to get dessert and her church. And so it was

427
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Speaker 1: cool because we got to celebrate her by taking her

428
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,040
Speaker 1: to her favorite places and picking up her favorite people

429
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,080
Speaker 1: along the way, and then it ended up in a

430
00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:44,239
Speaker 1: big celebration at the end, which is also like one

431
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,160
Speaker 1: of the things that stands out to me is how

432
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,439
Speaker 1: much you keep coming back to our friends sat and

433
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,800
Speaker 1: talked about this, so you had people that were like minded.

434
00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:52,840
Speaker 1: And then the other thing is is like, that's a

435
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:56,359
Speaker 1: pretty vulnerable activity to do in the sense of like

436
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,720
Speaker 1: lots of things that you're taking some risk and hopefully

437
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,080
Speaker 1: she likes it and hopefully it works out, and hopefully

438
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,639
Speaker 1: these other people want to be a part of it.

439
00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:06,879
Speaker 1: And I think my like what comes up is I'm like,

440
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,760
Speaker 1: where do you how do you take this, like what

441
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,960
Speaker 1: happens inside of you to take something from like, oh,

442
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,960
Speaker 1: that's kind of a good idea to actually doing it. Yeah,

443
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,800
Speaker 1: So I think I just think things will work out.

444
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 1: I have a very optimistic view of life, and I

445
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,399
Speaker 1: do think I have that view because it essentially it

446
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:33,800
Speaker 1: has helped me survive things. Um, and I also miss

447
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,040
Speaker 1: seven and I don't like pain, so me thinking something's

448
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,920
Speaker 1: not going to work is really uncomfortable and almost foreign

449
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:43,040
Speaker 1: to me. So I think I have just have this

450
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:47,160
Speaker 1: idea that why wouldn't somebody want to do this? Right,

451
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,439
Speaker 1: Like that's that's where I go, Or why wouldn't this

452
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,119
Speaker 1: work out? Or why wouldn't this be fun? Like, of

453
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,800
Speaker 1: course it's going to be fun. So I think I

454
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,640
Speaker 1: view a lot of things like that, which is really

455
00:23:56,720 --> 00:24:00,080
Speaker 1: it's really helpful because that's what allows me to just

456
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:03,080
Speaker 1: like not think about the risks and just go for it.

457
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,880
Speaker 1: It's really hurtful when there's bigger risks involved, Like yeah,

458
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,080
Speaker 1: if somebody thought it was a stupid idea, not a

459
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:12,080
Speaker 1: big deal. But when we think about career choices, okay,

460
00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:15,360
Speaker 1: well I just go into things and I don't plan them,

461
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,919
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah, Like we think about different people, Like

462
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 1: some people if they're going to jump out of an airplane,

463
00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:22,320
Speaker 1: for example, like they want to pack everything and make

464
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:24,680
Speaker 1: sure everything's good, make sure everything's good to go. And

465
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,280
Speaker 1: then there's other types of people, maybe like you, where

466
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,119
Speaker 1: it's like you're like I'm just gonna jump and like

467
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,439
Speaker 1: figure this out hopefully before I get to the bottom.

468
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 1: And sometimes you look like a freaking hero, and then

469
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:39,879
Speaker 1: other times people it doesn't work. Yeah, and I've done

470
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,520
Speaker 1: I mean, there's plenty of things that I've done than

471
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:45,159
Speaker 1: I haven't thought about. Yeah, and that has happened, and

472
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:46,879
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, yeah, I should have packed a bag

473
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,120
Speaker 1: before I got on went on this trip because I'm

474
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,520
Speaker 1: on this trip and I don't have what I need. Yeah,

475
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:53,480
Speaker 1: and then what do you do? Because I think that's

476
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,640
Speaker 1: something that a lot of people struggle with, is they

477
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:59,440
Speaker 1: almost get into like, um, what is it? Paralysis by analysis?

478
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 1: So this paralysis analysis, paralysis however you say it, But

479
00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:06,320
Speaker 1: there's so much like thinking and thinking and thinking that

480
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,560
Speaker 1: no action has ever taken. And so I really like

481
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,040
Speaker 1: how you can acknowledge like, yeah, sometimes I take action

482
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,359
Speaker 1: too soon and I need to work on planning a

483
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 1: little bit beforehand. And then there's this other side of

484
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,399
Speaker 1: like think, think, think too much and then never end

485
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,600
Speaker 1: up doing anything. So what do you do when things

486
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,760
Speaker 1: don't work out the way that you need them to.

487
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,040
Speaker 1: That's a great question. And what is so interesting about me?

488
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,640
Speaker 1: Which I'm still piecing all this together from myself every day,

489
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,679
Speaker 1: But I used to be the person that did have

490
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:41,159
Speaker 1: analysis for us. It's like growing up I was Now

491
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,040
Speaker 1: I didn't know, And it's funny. I just was talking

492
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,800
Speaker 1: about this long with my mom over text when she

493
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:51,720
Speaker 1: was listening to our last podcast. And my mom has

494
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,119
Speaker 1: actually been doing some cool things and like reading a

495
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:55,960
Speaker 1: lot of books and learning about a lot of stuff,

496
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:58,679
Speaker 1: which I'm very proud of her for shout out to

497
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:02,960
Speaker 1: our mom, shout out to my mom. Um. And it

498
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,879
Speaker 1: would be so funny to bring her on here. She

499
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:13,399
Speaker 1: would have a house, like it's like thought of it.

500
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,120
Speaker 1: But anyway, but she said, like, I wish I would

501
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 1: have known about some of the stuff that you are

502
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,399
Speaker 1: talking about, so I could have helped you. And I

503
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:25,320
Speaker 1: was like, I, you couldn't have known, because I couldn't

504
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:28,600
Speaker 1: have told you because when I was I did not know.

505
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 1: I was anxious. Until I was like twenty two, I

506
00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:34,440
Speaker 1: thought that that's how everybody. I thought, that's how everybody's

507
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,359
Speaker 1: minds worked. And my family will tell you this story

508
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:40,720
Speaker 1: about how I'm so indecisive. When I was little, I

509
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,119
Speaker 1: don't know how old I was, but I returned the

510
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,280
Speaker 1: same pair of shoes seven times, so I kept changing

511
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,840
Speaker 1: the size or changing the color, and like I couldn't

512
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,960
Speaker 1: figure it out. And and now I'm at the point

513
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,680
Speaker 1: and I did that for years of like I could

514
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:55,720
Speaker 1: not choose things because I was so afraid of and

515
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,040
Speaker 1: make the wrong choice or whatever. I don't know what

516
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,240
Speaker 1: it is. I haven't figure it out yet, so this

517
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:05,040
Speaker 1: isn't the best answer. But something happened at some point

518
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,919
Speaker 1: in me where I was like I can't live this

519
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 1: way anymore, and I completely flopped, like flipped, and now

520
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 1: I'm like by both pairs of shoes, like whatever, I

521
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,080
Speaker 1: don't care by by the seven half and by the

522
00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:19,680
Speaker 1: seven or I just I think that's where it comes in,

523
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,800
Speaker 1: where I just do things without thinking because I know

524
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,200
Speaker 1: if I really think about it, I won't do it.

525
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,600
Speaker 1: Because I do. I live in like a fear based

526
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:31,560
Speaker 1: like I don't wait a world for me, like my

527
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,960
Speaker 1: world is. It's really fear based. And I think a

528
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,520
Speaker 1: lot of people can look at me and be like, wow,

529
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:39,160
Speaker 1: she's so fearless, but no, I'm terrified. I just don't

530
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,879
Speaker 1: allow I know that I'm scared, and I put the

531
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,360
Speaker 1: fear behind me and jump in the water, rather than

532
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,560
Speaker 1: knowing I'm scared, putting the fear in front of me

533
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,720
Speaker 1: and letting it stop me, which is so cool. Like

534
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,639
Speaker 1: even when you talk about buying both pairs of shoes,

535
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:55,119
Speaker 1: it's like it sounds like an ability to be like

536
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,080
Speaker 1: this is not life or death, right, Like, let's make

537
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 1: a decision and move forward. Yeah, I gotta figure out

538
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,879
Speaker 1: how that happened. Which is funny listening to you because

539
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,320
Speaker 1: we've talked a little bit about how we're wired in

540
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:10,280
Speaker 1: really similar ways and then really different ways. But I

541
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:14,199
Speaker 1: remember my family would joke about having like packing anxiety

542
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,480
Speaker 1: me because I would freak out, like I just I

543
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,280
Speaker 1: don't know some too much or not bringing the right

544
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,159
Speaker 1: stuff and like not knowing what to pack and like

545
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,119
Speaker 1: some of that is like just needing a little bit

546
00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:27,680
Speaker 1: more guidance on like the process of that. But I

547
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,160
Speaker 1: remember my parents like they gave me the best they had,

548
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,600
Speaker 1: like at the time, and they still say this to me,

549
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,120
Speaker 1: Like my mom would be like, Megan, if you get

550
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:37,800
Speaker 1: there and you decide you need something else, like you

551
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:40,600
Speaker 1: can buy it, Like we'll buy it. And I really

552
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:43,240
Speaker 1: think the gift and my parents repeating that over and

553
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:47,280
Speaker 1: over and over again is like really this thing about adaptability,

554
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,840
Speaker 1: Like there's a time and place to plan and prepare

555
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 1: and then you get to someplace and that's when you

556
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:56,800
Speaker 1: have to just figure it out. Oh my god. So

557
00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:00,200
Speaker 1: that's so funny because something that I like can year

558
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,320
Speaker 1: my dad saying this, and hear my mom saying this.

559
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:05,600
Speaker 1: They use the word be adaptable. They use that phrase

560
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:08,640
Speaker 1: all of the time. And I don't know that I

561
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:11,040
Speaker 1: was very adaptable as a kid, but I do remember

562
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,480
Speaker 1: them always being like, you have to learn to be adaptable,

563
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 1: and I guess maybe I did that. But yeah, it's

564
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:21,160
Speaker 1: funny that you bring up packing too, because I'm the

565
00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:22,880
Speaker 1: kind of person who would just like throw a bunch

566
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:25,320
Speaker 1: of ships in a bag and be like, like a

567
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:30,320
Speaker 1: bunch Like I overpack for sure, but and sometimes I'm like,

568
00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:32,880
Speaker 1: why can't I be organized? And my roommate like has

569
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,400
Speaker 1: all these packing cubes and everything is like perfect, and

570
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,000
Speaker 1: like she'll bring like she literally packed for a trip

571
00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 1: one time in a toe bag, like a trip that

572
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:43,720
Speaker 1: she went on a planet. I'm like, well, and sometimes

573
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:45,200
Speaker 1: I'm like, I wish I could be like that. But

574
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:47,960
Speaker 1: then that's where that radical acceptance comes in, because if

575
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,160
Speaker 1: I was like that, I would I would be neurotic,

576
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:52,880
Speaker 1: like because I'm so I can be so black and

577
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:54,920
Speaker 1: white because of the way I am in my temperament

578
00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:58,840
Speaker 1: of I would rather be all over the place and

579
00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:03,760
Speaker 1: have a bunch of ship unfolded in a bag and

580
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:05,920
Speaker 1: and be able to like sit in that then have

581
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,440
Speaker 1: everything packed perfectly because that would keep me up at

582
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 1: night if I if I let myself go there, I'll

583
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,520
Speaker 1: go there, so I can't, which is really different. And

584
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:17,160
Speaker 1: even like you're highlighting, like that's what helps you be

585
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:19,920
Speaker 1: the best version of you, whereas your roommate or like me,

586
00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:22,680
Speaker 1: I like everything to be in a certain way and

587
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:26,080
Speaker 1: that helps me have freedom. So that's my office. So

588
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,800
Speaker 1: that's how we work down to each other out. But

589
00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:32,000
Speaker 1: going back to this idea of taking action, it's like, yeah,

590
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:34,040
Speaker 1: even if we go to packing, like I lived in

591
00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 1: Africa in a basically in the jungle for six months,

592
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 1: and even there, I had everything I needed or I

593
00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:42,960
Speaker 1: figured I figured it out a way to get what

594
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:45,480
Speaker 1: I needed, And so I think, like even what you're

595
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,160
Speaker 1: talking about, it's like, yeah, finding this way to be

596
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: like you know what, I'm going to jump into this

597
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:51,840
Speaker 1: podcast and let it be what it is and figure

598
00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,360
Speaker 1: it out. And hey, I don't could you have planned

599
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:56,440
Speaker 1: on your first episode like I'm actually gonna have a

600
00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 1: co host and it's gonna be Megan and then we're

601
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 1: going to do this together. No, don't know, but I

602
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,800
Speaker 1: think because my friends were helping me when we were

603
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,400
Speaker 1: starting of you need to have a calendar, you need

604
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:08,640
Speaker 1: to do this, and I remember my friend Sarah being like,

605
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:10,560
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of Catherine, like she planned out all

606
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,840
Speaker 1: this stuff and she did she had this has a

607
00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:16,239
Speaker 1: schedule and she did this all this research, and I'm like,

608
00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:21,960
Speaker 1: thank you, and like if you would like it was

609
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:25,680
Speaker 1: I were sending my calendar like my uh, what is it,

610
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,640
Speaker 1: like you're iPhone calendar whatever to somebody and be like

611
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,239
Speaker 1: look what I did. But I did it for one

612
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:33,720
Speaker 1: week and I never did it again. So it just yeah,

613
00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:35,680
Speaker 1: I just have to jump into it. But I think

614
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:41,680
Speaker 1: that um for even like branching that out to the

615
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:45,640
Speaker 1: wider scale for people if you're in one of those

616
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:49,560
Speaker 1: spots like where there is something that you really want

617
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:53,040
Speaker 1: to do, me just accepting the fact that like in

618
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:57,040
Speaker 1: the end, it's gonna be fine, Like it's gonna be okay,

619
00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:00,600
Speaker 1: Like whether there's flops, it's gonna be okay, and if

620
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:03,120
Speaker 1: it goes well, it's gonna be okay. I think I

621
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:06,480
Speaker 1: have the awareness now because of some of the stuff

622
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:09,680
Speaker 1: that I've been through that has been so scary. If

623
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:14,280
Speaker 1: things go wrong, I will still survive, And I think

624
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:17,920
Speaker 1: it took surviving things that I've gone wrong to know that.

625
00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:21,400
Speaker 1: Maybe that's where some of that comes from. Like I've

626
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:25,480
Speaker 1: never died by failing something. Yeah, Like it might have

627
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:27,840
Speaker 1: been really hard and it might have been really painful,

628
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,040
Speaker 1: and you've always come out on the other side, obviously

629
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,280
Speaker 1: because you're sitting here, which I think is a really

630
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 1: good message. And even like I wanted to shift into

631
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,080
Speaker 1: talking about a little bit more about like your own

632
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:42,520
Speaker 1: recovery story and journey and therapy world. And I think

633
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,080
Speaker 1: something that I wonder about is you talk a lot

634
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:48,160
Speaker 1: about struggling with an eating disorder and having a lot

635
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,680
Speaker 1: of issues around body image and those kinds of things.

636
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,400
Speaker 1: And I don't really know the story about how you

637
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,640
Speaker 1: decided to get into recovery or what that looked like.

638
00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 1: So was there a moment for you that you decided

639
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:00,920
Speaker 1: to make a change and how did you do that?

640
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:05,240
Speaker 1: Nobody has actually ever asked me that. So it was

641
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:10,600
Speaker 1: there a moment where I decided I need to get

642
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:12,320
Speaker 1: my ship together, I need to get over this or

643
00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:15,080
Speaker 1: I or was there somebody like you who was like,

644
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:18,040
Speaker 1: you need to go to rehab. No, I think I

645
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:23,320
Speaker 1: have a really fluid story where and I don't know

646
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 1: how much we want to go or how and we'll

647
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:30,240
Speaker 1: see what where this takes us. But I can probably

648
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:34,080
Speaker 1: assume that because I don't have a memory of in

649
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 1: the exact moment, But I think where am I Like,

650
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:42,880
Speaker 1: choice to find recovery for myself came from probably me

651
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 1: being really tired and taking a bite of a carb, honestly,

652
00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:50,920
Speaker 1: because again, I didn't have anybody in my life who

653
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 1: ever looked at me and said, hey, it seems like

654
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:59,280
Speaker 1: you're taking this too far, or hey, are you okay?

655
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:03,920
Speaker 1: Like or I don't remember that happening Because I looked

656
00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:07,880
Speaker 1: I think I looked really healthy. And that's the funked

657
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:11,719
Speaker 1: up part with eating disorders, an exercise addiction of I

658
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:15,400
Speaker 1: probably never looked better. I mean, that's the mess up

659
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,359
Speaker 1: part about it all, Like how do you know if

660
00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:21,760
Speaker 1: somebody looks depressed? How do you know if somebody looks anxious?

661
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 1: Like sometimes it's really obvious, right, Like sometimes an eating

662
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:27,839
Speaker 1: disorder even is so obvious it's hard to ignore. But

663
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:31,319
Speaker 1: at the same time, so often we're trying to look

664
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:34,000
Speaker 1: at people and be like, well, they look okay, rather

665
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,839
Speaker 1: than asking questions about like, hey, how are you really

666
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:40,759
Speaker 1: doing or I noticed this, like what's going on? Well,

667
00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:44,319
Speaker 1: And I'm sure that I put up some walls where

668
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:47,240
Speaker 1: people couldn't probably reach me the way that I wanted

669
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,400
Speaker 1: them to. But to go back to your original question,

670
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:54,319
Speaker 1: I think it starts started with the fact that I

671
00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:57,719
Speaker 1: went into this with the best intentions, Like I didn't

672
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:00,200
Speaker 1: have a moment where I was like, I'm going to

673
00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:03,200
Speaker 1: develop an eating disorder, not at all, Like that wasn't

674
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,479
Speaker 1: my thought. I never thought that that's something that would happen.

675
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:07,520
Speaker 1: I was always one of those people who was like,

676
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:09,359
Speaker 1: I love food too much. I could never do that.

677
00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 1: But what I do know is that I say this

678
00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:15,560
Speaker 1: a lot to people, but I think that we're all

679
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:20,680
Speaker 1: born with these two desires. One is to um be

680
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,640
Speaker 1: ourselves and the other is to find love and belonging,

681
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,399
Speaker 1: and both of those are there's nothing wrong with either

682
00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:30,600
Speaker 1: of those. The thing that ends up becoming an issue

683
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,080
Speaker 1: is that the desire for love and belonging ends up

684
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 1: being stronger than the desire to be ourselves. And so,

685
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 1: again going back to being adaptable, we will and being resilient,

686
00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:43,320
Speaker 1: we will do what it takes to get that feeling

687
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:47,040
Speaker 1: of love and love and belonging and growing up I

688
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,440
Speaker 1: it was nobody's fault, but it was the way it

689
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 1: was my temperament and the way my mind worked is

690
00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:58,440
Speaker 1: I connected love and belonging with attention, and so throughout

691
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 1: my life I did certain things to get it tension,

692
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,800
Speaker 1: and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, and I

693
00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:09,080
Speaker 1: moved through that. But in college I didn't have the

694
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:14,200
Speaker 1: kind of attention and I wanted, so I was went

695
00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:16,080
Speaker 1: and found a way to get it. And that was

696
00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:19,120
Speaker 1: like I'm going to lose a lot of weight, and

697
00:36:19,160 --> 00:36:22,960
Speaker 1: oh my god, it worked, which actually work doesn't make

698
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:26,080
Speaker 1: you bad, it makes you brilliant, because like, attention has

699
00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:28,799
Speaker 1: become this really dirty word like, oh, she's just doing

700
00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 1: that for attention or he just needs attention. But wouldn't

701
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:33,400
Speaker 1: I want that? And the thing is is it's a

702
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:37,040
Speaker 1: human desire, like the word attention, like has the word

703
00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:40,520
Speaker 1: tend in it to be tended to, Like we all

704
00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:44,840
Speaker 1: need attention. And however your system was organizing it, like

705
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:47,560
Speaker 1: you weren't getting the attention you needed, so you went

706
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:49,680
Speaker 1: and found a way to get it. How did that

707
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:53,640
Speaker 1: way eventually backfire on you? Yes, But the need and

708
00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 1: the desire there was good, yes, thank you. And I

709
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:00,640
Speaker 1: think it took me some time to to get there,

710
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 1: but yeah, so I went and I figured out a

711
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:04,319
Speaker 1: way to get it, and I loved it, and so

712
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:06,400
Speaker 1: of course I wanted more of it, going back to

713
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,000
Speaker 1: the what we kind of talked about last week with

714
00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:14,640
Speaker 1: the addictive cycle, and so, yeah, it worked for a

715
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:17,680
Speaker 1: really long time and then it started to backfire in

716
00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:21,120
Speaker 1: ways where yeah, it was giving me this attention, but

717
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:23,080
Speaker 1: I was having to give up a lot of stuff,

718
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:27,000
Speaker 1: like the innate parts of me, like the outgoing one

719
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,520
Speaker 1: or the one that's fun or the one that wants

720
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:31,840
Speaker 1: to like which those are that's gonna be pain points

721
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,560
Speaker 1: for me too, but that is who I am. I

722
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,520
Speaker 1: am like a life of the party kind of person.

723
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:38,480
Speaker 1: I love to laugh, I love to do things, and

724
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:43,839
Speaker 1: I love food and I love celebrating around food. And um,

725
00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:46,719
Speaker 1: so I became a shell of a person because I

726
00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:49,440
Speaker 1: couldn't keep my eating disorder if I was at all

727
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,320
Speaker 1: of these events and around all this stuff. And so,

728
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:57,480
Speaker 1: I think, to put it very simply, there was a

729
00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 1: point when I was in It started at the end

730
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:02,799
Speaker 1: of my senior year of college. But you know, it

731
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:04,719
Speaker 1: took a while for me to actually acknowledge it like

732
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:07,360
Speaker 1: I got. I was exhausted, Like I just like this

733
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:12,680
Speaker 1: exhausted resisting myself, um, to get this thing that I

734
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:16,160
Speaker 1: then realized, Yeah, it did give me attention, but it

735
00:38:16,239 --> 00:38:21,400
Speaker 1: didn't fix the actual issue, which is something that a

736
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:26,239
Speaker 1: lot of people in there eating sort of can't comprehend

737
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:29,800
Speaker 1: or refuse to grab refused to accept it, like it

738
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 1: didn't give me. I was getting attention from guys like

739
00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:36,719
Speaker 1: I had never gotten before. Um, And I was getting

740
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:39,760
Speaker 1: attention to a lot of compliments and UM, I remember

741
00:38:40,080 --> 00:38:42,759
Speaker 1: around that time as when I got an Instagram, So

742
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 1: that was great. And if we go back to like

743
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:48,400
Speaker 1: you're talking about, you're finally looking the way that you

744
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,440
Speaker 1: like thought you wanted and you're getting compliments on the

745
00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:54,000
Speaker 1: way you looked, and you're getting attention from guys, and

746
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:56,719
Speaker 1: you said something about how it didn't give you what

747
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:58,799
Speaker 1: you really were looking for. You didn't give you what

748
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:01,000
Speaker 1: you wanted, what you really need did And so even

749
00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:02,680
Speaker 1: if you think about that, or if you could speak

750
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:05,440
Speaker 1: to like, what were you really looking for? Yeah, I

751
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:09,440
Speaker 1: wanted attend. I was thinking that attention would give was

752
00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:12,680
Speaker 1: the same thing as love, and that love and attention

753
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:14,239
Speaker 1: that I was getting from people would make me feel

754
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:19,080
Speaker 1: better about myself, because I because there was a constant

755
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:20,840
Speaker 1: from a young age from me of how do I

756
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:23,640
Speaker 1: gain attention? How do I I don't know that I

757
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,839
Speaker 1: ever really sat down and understood who I was and

758
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: understood the redeeming parts of myself and with that the

759
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:33,799
Speaker 1: parts that aren't so redeeming, which we all have. So

760
00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 1: I never found. What I didn't get was a place

761
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:41,120
Speaker 1: of I always think about like an exhale, Like what

762
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:44,200
Speaker 1: I was really wanting was like rest and knowing that

763
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:49,200
Speaker 1: I was good, And I never found that because the

764
00:39:49,239 --> 00:39:52,440
Speaker 1: way I found it was essentially teaching meself that the

765
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:56,080
Speaker 1: that I'm bad because I want to eat or I

766
00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:57,680
Speaker 1: want to sleep in and not go to the gym,

767
00:39:57,800 --> 00:39:59,960
Speaker 1: or I want to do this, and that's bad because

768
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 1: it goes against what I'm doing to make people think

769
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:06,319
Speaker 1: I'm good. That makes sense, Yeah, It's kind of like

770
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:10,280
Speaker 1: like the art or the whatever comes along with performing

771
00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:12,160
Speaker 1: is if you're damned if you do, and you're damned

772
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:15,720
Speaker 1: if you don't. Like any time that you become whatever

773
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,439
Speaker 1: you think other people want you to be, and then

774
00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:20,400
Speaker 1: you actually get what you think you want, which is

775
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:24,600
Speaker 1: acceptance from that, it backfires because then you don't know

776
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:27,120
Speaker 1: if they really accept you for you, because they're accepting

777
00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:31,719
Speaker 1: you for who you're pretending to be performing to be Yes, yes, yes,

778
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:36,439
Speaker 1: So there's just no win with it, and it's just

779
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,680
Speaker 1: in the cycle of like, oh, these people love me,

780
00:40:38,719 --> 00:40:40,719
Speaker 1: but they don't really know me. Well, yeah, and then

781
00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:42,520
Speaker 1: it's like do I have to do I think my

782
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:45,520
Speaker 1: part was like I sat and was thinking to myself,

783
00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:47,399
Speaker 1: do I have to do this the rest of my life?

784
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:52,799
Speaker 1: I remember thinking like to like distinct memories. One I

785
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:55,160
Speaker 1: don't know why it's this, but I remember being like,

786
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,080
Speaker 1: I'm never going to be able to have a pop

787
00:40:57,160 --> 00:41:02,320
Speaker 1: tart ever again in my life, just like part A

788
00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:07,920
Speaker 1: strawberry and the brown want. I feared strawberry brown. I

789
00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:10,719
Speaker 1: like both of them, but so I remember thinking like,

790
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,400
Speaker 1: I never get to have one of those again. I

791
00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:15,760
Speaker 1: thought that all of the time, and that was so sad.

792
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:19,440
Speaker 1: And then the other part um that I would think

793
00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:21,320
Speaker 1: I would think was I never get to take a

794
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:23,719
Speaker 1: day off from working out either, like I have to

795
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:25,439
Speaker 1: work out every day for the rest of my life.

796
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,279
Speaker 1: And I remember those two things being as like small

797
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:31,560
Speaker 1: as they might sound. I was like, I'm so tired,

798
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:35,080
Speaker 1: like I want a day off, but for some reason

799
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:38,439
Speaker 1: I thought that I couldn't have one. But I didn't

800
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:40,960
Speaker 1: think that for other people because I thought, and I

801
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:43,880
Speaker 1: think that comes from the idea of it was just

802
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:47,080
Speaker 1: because I couldn't. I couldn't accept myself. I didn't know

803
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:51,759
Speaker 1: myself enough to accept her in the first place. But um,

804
00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:57,239
Speaker 1: something that I learned through that is good and this

805
00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:00,200
Speaker 1: is goes to so many parts of life. But there

806
00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:03,800
Speaker 1: would never I couldn't bring in enough people into this

807
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:06,040
Speaker 1: room right now. I could pack this office that one

808
00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:08,600
Speaker 1: right now fifty deep if we could get them in here,

809
00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:10,960
Speaker 1: and they could all tell me that I'm beautiful and

810
00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:14,120
Speaker 1: I'm good enough and I'm wanted, and that wouldn't do anything.

811
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:16,400
Speaker 1: It would do something for me for a second, but

812
00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:19,279
Speaker 1: in an hour I would need something else. And so

813
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:23,279
Speaker 1: I learned that there would never be enough outside validation

814
00:42:23,719 --> 00:42:28,200
Speaker 1: too to fill the void of the inside validation that

815
00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:31,160
Speaker 1: I needed for myself. There never was going to be enough,

816
00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 1: and that was a good thing to realize. And it

817
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,200
Speaker 1: also was scary because it was like, well, ship and

818
00:42:37,239 --> 00:42:40,719
Speaker 1: I have to do this side out, Yeah, because this

819
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:44,399
Speaker 1: moment of clarity or grace or waking up or whatever

820
00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:46,840
Speaker 1: you want to call it, where it's like, wow, my

821
00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:51,160
Speaker 1: need for this outside of me is totally insatiable and

822
00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:55,000
Speaker 1: if I'm willing to recognize that, then ship like I

823
00:42:55,120 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 1: better start working on what's going on inside of me. Yeah.

824
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,480
Speaker 1: So then I started to try to, like, you know,

825
00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:07,840
Speaker 1: be better when you went through the trying harder stage, No,

826
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:11,760
Speaker 1: I mean like I well, there was that point because

827
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:14,920
Speaker 1: my things also plateaued in the midst of all this

828
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:17,040
Speaker 1: of like it wasn't a shock to anybody that I

829
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:22,359
Speaker 1: was small and had great work ethic when it came

830
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:27,120
Speaker 1: to exercise and eating the right way quote unquote, So

831
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:29,120
Speaker 1: that plateaued. So then it was like, Okay, what else

832
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:31,040
Speaker 1: can I do to add to that? And I think

833
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 1: that's where like I'll go to Vanderbilt and that all

834
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:36,080
Speaker 1: came in. But then there was when I did finally

835
00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:38,640
Speaker 1: have that big realization of like, this is exhausting and

836
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:40,080
Speaker 1: I don't want this to be the rest of my

837
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:43,879
Speaker 1: life and if it is, like, God, do I want

838
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 1: to live life? I think that's when I was like, Okay,

839
00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:51,120
Speaker 1: I might want to do something, which I'm so I

840
00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:53,840
Speaker 1: don't know who to credit that too, but I'm so

841
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:57,720
Speaker 1: grateful for the fact that I was able to slide

842
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:01,480
Speaker 1: into that the way I was. Yeah, like it really,

843
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:03,640
Speaker 1: I think that's true for most of us and for

844
00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:06,360
Speaker 1: many people that like I work with or experience, is

845
00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:09,960
Speaker 1: there really isn't one moment like I might have had

846
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:12,880
Speaker 1: a moment that forced me to make a decision, but

847
00:44:13,160 --> 00:44:16,240
Speaker 1: I didn't have Like it wasn't this big event actually

848
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:18,160
Speaker 1: like that got me into my own recovery. It was

849
00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:21,360
Speaker 1: actually a smaller event where I was like, I'm so

850
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:24,680
Speaker 1: tired of this. And so it sounds similar with you,

851
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:27,720
Speaker 1: and I think really like that's all it takes, because

852
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:29,920
Speaker 1: I talk to people all the time that's like, well,

853
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:32,640
Speaker 1: this hasn't happened, or this hasn't happened, or this hasn't happened,

854
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:35,120
Speaker 1: And then I talked to people where those things have happened,

855
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:37,959
Speaker 1: and there's still no change. And so it's really something

856
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,120
Speaker 1: inside of you that has to wake up of like

857
00:44:40,400 --> 00:44:43,120
Speaker 1: there has to be something better than this, like I'm

858
00:44:43,239 --> 00:44:46,880
Speaker 1: so tired, And even for you, it sounds like not

859
00:44:47,040 --> 00:44:48,839
Speaker 1: being able to take a day off or not being

860
00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:51,520
Speaker 1: able to enjoy something some type of food that you

861
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:54,000
Speaker 1: really like brought you to a place of like, am

862
00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:58,480
Speaker 1: I even really living? Yeah, And again I will say

863
00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:00,840
Speaker 1: this because it wasn't like I had that realization and

864
00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:02,800
Speaker 1: then I was like, I'm gonna wake up and change

865
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:04,520
Speaker 1: my way and I'm gonna eat the pop tart and

866
00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:07,600
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take it out. Absolutely not. It was a

867
00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:10,600
Speaker 1: very for me because I didn't go I didn't go

868
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:13,160
Speaker 1: to treatment, and I went to a couple of different

869
00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:15,600
Speaker 1: therapists and some of them I never talked about this

870
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:19,960
Speaker 1: stuff with at all, because god, I don't. I mean,

871
00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:21,440
Speaker 1: that was a safety thing for me. I was like,

872
00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:23,440
Speaker 1: I don't want I'll work on all these things, but

873
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:25,400
Speaker 1: don't take this part away from me because I'm not.

874
00:45:25,719 --> 00:45:28,279
Speaker 1: I wasn't ready. I didn't have my life baggy. Yeah

875
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:30,400
Speaker 1: I was still holding onto that right, but yeah, it

876
00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:34,200
Speaker 1: was it was years until I got to where I

877
00:45:34,239 --> 00:45:37,759
Speaker 1: am now, And like now, I still have days where

878
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:40,680
Speaker 1: I'm like, god, I really don't want to go work out,

879
00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:43,719
Speaker 1: but I already took three days off this week or

880
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:46,359
Speaker 1: next week, I'm not going to be able to work out,

881
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:49,040
Speaker 1: or I do have thoughts do pop in my head

882
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:51,400
Speaker 1: of like Okay, I'm going to this party and I

883
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:53,680
Speaker 1: know that they'll be all this food, So should I

884
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:56,640
Speaker 1: run seven miles instead of Like, I have those thoughts

885
00:45:56,680 --> 00:45:59,640
Speaker 1: from every now and then do I follow through with

886
00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:03,000
Speaker 1: most of them? No, But I didn't have a moment

887
00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:06,800
Speaker 1: of clarity and then my life dramatically changed. Yeah, because

888
00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:08,560
Speaker 1: I think what you're talking about, and I love that

889
00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:12,360
Speaker 1: you're bringing this up, is that any part of like recovery.

890
00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:14,640
Speaker 1: And I think of recovery as like recovering who we

891
00:46:14,719 --> 00:46:17,080
Speaker 1: were really made to be because the world is so

892
00:46:17,239 --> 00:46:19,560
Speaker 1: good at like shifting us and molding us into all

893
00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:22,360
Speaker 1: these different characters that aren't the true us. And so

894
00:46:22,560 --> 00:46:24,680
Speaker 1: even like I love that you're talking about it, this

895
00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:27,600
Speaker 1: is a daily thing. Like I went to the bathroom

896
00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:29,719
Speaker 1: before we started filming this podcast and I was just

897
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:32,359
Speaker 1: had some really negative stuff come up when I looked

898
00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:33,960
Speaker 1: in the mirror and was like I don't like how

899
00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:35,960
Speaker 1: this looks and I like that he looks, and I

900
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:39,399
Speaker 1: was just like, hey, we're not doing that today today. Yeah,

901
00:46:39,600 --> 00:46:42,120
Speaker 1: like you look great, and I'm sure there's things that

902
00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:46,000
Speaker 1: I want to change about myself, and also like I'm okay.

903
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:49,200
Speaker 1: And so that's a continual like that literally just happened

904
00:46:49,239 --> 00:46:52,200
Speaker 1: an hour ago. Of this choice of like, no, we're

905
00:46:52,239 --> 00:46:56,160
Speaker 1: not going down this road of criticism and critique, and

906
00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:59,120
Speaker 1: also like there may be genuine things that need to

907
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:01,840
Speaker 1: be worked on, But then there's also this choice of

908
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,600
Speaker 1: like what am I going to do now to step

909
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:08,400
Speaker 1: into continuing to be myself well? And you know that

910
00:47:08,520 --> 00:47:12,160
Speaker 1: makes me think of because in recovery they talk a

911
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:15,440
Speaker 1: lot about like your powerless over your disease and all that,

912
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,960
Speaker 1: and that's true because a lot of people, when in

913
00:47:19,440 --> 00:47:21,520
Speaker 1: the eating disorder world, think that they have a lot

914
00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:24,279
Speaker 1: of control and eating resource are a way to find

915
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,840
Speaker 1: control when life life in the world seem out of

916
00:47:26,880 --> 00:47:29,719
Speaker 1: control and chaotic. But in the end, you don't. I

917
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:31,680
Speaker 1: had no control over the fact that I, like I

918
00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:33,399
Speaker 1: would go out for a run and not be able

919
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:36,520
Speaker 1: to stop and now control over that, or control over

920
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:39,080
Speaker 1: the fact that I couldn't eat a pop dart And

921
00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:42,480
Speaker 1: and this goes against some stuff, and I'm sure there's

922
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:45,800
Speaker 1: some people am like whatever, but I like to think that, like,

923
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,080
Speaker 1: I do have a lot of control over where I

924
00:47:48,160 --> 00:47:50,960
Speaker 1: let myself go now, because even you're just saying that,

925
00:47:51,120 --> 00:47:54,040
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, the mirrors mirror is hard for everybody.

926
00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,239
Speaker 1: Not everybody a lot of people. The mirror is hard

927
00:47:56,280 --> 00:47:58,759
Speaker 1: for me and I'm having a bad day, I don't

928
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:01,480
Speaker 1: let myself go stay or in the mirror because because

929
00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:03,799
Speaker 1: what I'll what I know to do, I'll go back

930
00:48:03,880 --> 00:48:06,160
Speaker 1: to that stuff. And so I always say, like, you've

931
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:07,920
Speaker 1: got to make it easy for yourself to be kind

932
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:10,879
Speaker 1: to yourself. So either I'm not I'll know, like we're

933
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:12,359
Speaker 1: not doing this today, We're not going to go look

934
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:15,360
Speaker 1: in the full length mirror, or we're not wearing makeup today,

935
00:48:15,640 --> 00:48:18,000
Speaker 1: whatever it is, it's I do set up a lot

936
00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:20,319
Speaker 1: of stuff so I don't have to walk into those

937
00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:24,919
Speaker 1: spaces because it's it is a daily thing. And yeah, yeah,

938
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:28,280
Speaker 1: the idea of powerlessness in some ways can be helpful

939
00:48:28,520 --> 00:48:31,960
Speaker 1: of recognizing there are some situations we put ourselves in

940
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:35,040
Speaker 1: that they're just not going to be helpful. And and

941
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:37,440
Speaker 1: then that is very different than the idea of like

942
00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:40,960
Speaker 1: having no choices, And so that really sounds like what

943
00:48:41,040 --> 00:48:43,400
Speaker 1: you're talking about is noticing what you're you may be

944
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:46,759
Speaker 1: powerless overlooking in the mirror and thinking certain things, but

945
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:48,400
Speaker 1: you do have a choice, and like if you're going

946
00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:51,000
Speaker 1: to go look at them totally, Yeah, yeah, I really

947
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:53,880
Speaker 1: want to come back to the idea of belonging to

948
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:58,880
Speaker 1: yourself and like liking who you are, Oh man, because

949
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:00,880
Speaker 1: I think that that is a really good thing to

950
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:03,880
Speaker 1: think about, and I think ship I'm thinking a lot

951
00:49:03,960 --> 00:49:06,080
Speaker 1: of things, right, But you know, you brought up this

952
00:49:06,280 --> 00:49:09,520
Speaker 1: point of realizing that no out, no amount of outside

953
00:49:09,560 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 1: affirmation was going to give you what you're really looking

954
00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:14,840
Speaker 1: for and that something had to change internally. And so

955
00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:16,680
Speaker 1: can you talk a little bit about what that journey

956
00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:19,800
Speaker 1: has been when that starts. That goes so back to

957
00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:23,480
Speaker 1: like early childhood, and this is the thing. I grew

958
00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:27,840
Speaker 1: up in a loving family. And somebody asked me this

959
00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:31,560
Speaker 1: this past week, like do you think that you're born

960
00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:36,480
Speaker 1: a certain way or do you think that basically he

961
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:39,160
Speaker 1: asked a roundabout way of like nature versut nurture, And

962
00:49:39,239 --> 00:49:42,440
Speaker 1: I was like, well, you're you're born with a certain temperament,

963
00:49:42,800 --> 00:49:44,920
Speaker 1: Like that's something that you're born with a temperament, and

964
00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:48,040
Speaker 1: then your environment matches with your temperament and then your

965
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:51,080
Speaker 1: personality has formed out of that. So I was born

966
00:49:51,160 --> 00:49:54,520
Speaker 1: with whatever temperament I have, so that whatever I had

967
00:49:54,600 --> 00:49:59,120
Speaker 1: a loving family and I know that there was praise

968
00:49:59,200 --> 00:50:02,600
Speaker 1: and validation. Now was it in the ways that I

969
00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:04,960
Speaker 1: wanted it, I don't think, so could I have asked

970
00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:08,160
Speaker 1: for what I needed? I'm not sure. And so what

971
00:50:08,560 --> 00:50:13,080
Speaker 1: happened very young for me is I saw my siblings

972
00:50:13,360 --> 00:50:16,920
Speaker 1: be very successful. I was the third of four, and

973
00:50:17,040 --> 00:50:19,200
Speaker 1: then my youngest brother is six years younger than me.

974
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:21,680
Speaker 1: So it's like I was the baby and then got

975
00:50:21,719 --> 00:50:23,840
Speaker 1: that ripped out and then he got smoothed in to

976
00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:28,239
Speaker 1: being a middle child. So my family is very I

977
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:32,040
Speaker 1: would call everybody, but everybody feelings pretty talented and gifted.

978
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:37,200
Speaker 1: And it's sports, and I liked sports. I played soccer

979
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:39,880
Speaker 1: and I liked soccer, but I always would say that,

980
00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:42,760
Speaker 1: like I don't want to go to college and play soccer,

981
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:46,000
Speaker 1: like I play soccer because it's fun. And my friends

982
00:50:46,040 --> 00:50:49,200
Speaker 1: were on my soccer team, so I didn't like when

983
00:50:49,239 --> 00:50:52,320
Speaker 1: things got more competitive. I was on a shitty sucker team,

984
00:50:52,520 --> 00:50:55,000
Speaker 1: like I played travel, but we sucked. Instead of when

985
00:50:55,040 --> 00:50:57,960
Speaker 1: I should have moved on and gone to some other

986
00:50:58,040 --> 00:51:00,600
Speaker 1: teams and gone and gotten other training. I didn't want

987
00:51:00,600 --> 00:51:03,600
Speaker 1: to leave my friends. Yeah, because here's this thing coming

988
00:51:03,719 --> 00:51:05,680
Speaker 1: up for you, Like if we even went back and

989
00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:08,440
Speaker 1: tallied how many times you've said fun in this episode

990
00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:13,719
Speaker 1: like funs like these are two things that you really

991
00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:16,840
Speaker 1: value and seemed like you've valued your whole life and

992
00:51:16,920 --> 00:51:20,000
Speaker 1: seemed like a really true part of you. Yeah, when

993
00:51:20,080 --> 00:51:24,240
Speaker 1: they're the reason I have survived. So what what happened

994
00:51:24,360 --> 00:51:28,640
Speaker 1: I think is so my older brother, my older my

995
00:51:28,719 --> 00:51:31,680
Speaker 1: older brother, my older sister, we're on the track to

996
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:33,480
Speaker 1: like I'm going to go to college and plays forms.

997
00:51:33,520 --> 00:51:34,960
Speaker 1: So they did the things they needed to do and

998
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:37,080
Speaker 1: they were very good and they're very successful and all

999
00:51:37,120 --> 00:51:39,759
Speaker 1: of that. There's nothing, no, nothing wrong with any of that.

1000
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:42,359
Speaker 1: But I think it was like, I don't know if

1001
00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:44,279
Speaker 1: it was a survival because at a young age, my

1002
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:47,040
Speaker 1: temperament was to think that I'm nott. I had low

1003
00:51:47,120 --> 00:51:49,440
Speaker 1: self esteem or whatever it was. And we can get

1004
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:51,399
Speaker 1: into self esteem too. I have a lot to stay

1005
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:54,080
Speaker 1: on that. But when I should have made the switch

1006
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:57,120
Speaker 1: to go to the other teams that were would have

1007
00:51:57,200 --> 00:51:59,879
Speaker 1: gotten me and the training that I needed to get

1008
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:01,759
Speaker 1: better because I think I had the bones of being

1009
00:52:01,800 --> 00:52:05,200
Speaker 1: a good athlete, I didn't do it. And then my

1010
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:07,600
Speaker 1: friends ended up going and doing those things, and so

1011
00:52:07,800 --> 00:52:11,360
Speaker 1: then I was left on this shitty suck team. My

1012
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:14,360
Speaker 1: friends had left me, and so that I didn't have that,

1013
00:52:14,640 --> 00:52:17,520
Speaker 1: and so there was something that I needed to do

1014
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:22,680
Speaker 1: to get that validation because my siblings were really, really

1015
00:52:22,719 --> 00:52:24,360
Speaker 1: good and had all this praise, and they'd be in

1016
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:26,959
Speaker 1: the newspaper people be like, oh my god, you're David

1017
00:52:27,000 --> 00:52:30,600
Speaker 1: devadis um little sister, or like, oh gosh, you're a

1018
00:52:30,600 --> 00:52:33,600
Speaker 1: certified his little sister. Like I really just wanted to

1019
00:52:33,640 --> 00:52:36,239
Speaker 1: be myself. I wanted to be like, oh my god,

1020
00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:39,080
Speaker 1: you're Catherine. I've heard so much about you, yeah, which

1021
00:52:39,200 --> 00:52:43,400
Speaker 1: gives like so much empathy. Just like even your situation,

1022
00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:46,520
Speaker 1: like even if everything, even if your parents did everything

1023
00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:49,080
Speaker 1: right and your siblings and everything right and all this stuff,

1024
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:51,279
Speaker 1: like there was something that couldn't be prevented, which is

1025
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:54,840
Speaker 1: like you were born third in your family, behind older

1026
00:52:54,920 --> 00:52:57,719
Speaker 1: siblings who were really successful, and part of that kept

1027
00:52:57,840 --> 00:53:01,359
Speaker 1: you from being seen for you. Yeah, And I think

1028
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:04,040
Speaker 1: that's a really important point to bring up. Like as

1029
00:53:04,080 --> 00:53:06,800
Speaker 1: you're talking, I'm like cringing because I have so much empathy.

1030
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:09,279
Speaker 1: Like I'm I'm actually the second born, even though I

1031
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:12,320
Speaker 1: act like I'm an oldest child. Um, but I have

1032
00:53:12,400 --> 00:53:14,200
Speaker 1: an older brother who's only a year older than me,

1033
00:53:14,960 --> 00:53:17,160
Speaker 1: and so we kind of at least in my mind,

1034
00:53:17,239 --> 00:53:20,239
Speaker 1: both play this older or oldest child role. And then

1035
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:23,200
Speaker 1: I have two younger sisters, and I know that they've

1036
00:53:23,239 --> 00:53:25,759
Speaker 1: experienced a similar thing, and I've talked to them and

1037
00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:28,000
Speaker 1: I've I've talked about how hard it is to be

1038
00:53:28,160 --> 00:53:31,239
Speaker 1: a younger sister, because after my youngest sister, who's seven

1039
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:34,000
Speaker 1: years younger than me, all the time like, yeah, I've

1040
00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:36,600
Speaker 1: done all these things, and yes I've I've gotten this

1041
00:53:36,719 --> 00:53:38,440
Speaker 1: award and achieved this and that kind of thing. But

1042
00:53:38,520 --> 00:53:40,960
Speaker 1: I'm like, I've been out of college for a lot

1043
00:53:41,120 --> 00:53:43,680
Speaker 1: longer than you have, and so I've had more time

1044
00:53:43,760 --> 00:53:46,120
Speaker 1: to do all this. But in her mind it's like, oh,

1045
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:50,040
Speaker 1: we're friends, were the we're equal, and which is great

1046
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:52,400
Speaker 1: and we are really great friends. But then there's also

1047
00:53:52,520 --> 00:53:56,200
Speaker 1: this age gap that's like she can't compete with me

1048
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:58,359
Speaker 1: at the same level because she hasn't lived as much

1049
00:53:58,480 --> 00:54:02,120
Speaker 1: life and so always like have some grace, like followed

1050
00:54:02,120 --> 00:54:05,200
Speaker 1: the path. You know. There's just something about that, And

1051
00:54:05,320 --> 00:54:07,440
Speaker 1: even for you, it sounds like just the result of

1052
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:11,080
Speaker 1: birth order really kind of created this thing of like, well,

1053
00:54:11,160 --> 00:54:14,000
Speaker 1: what makes me different, what makes me special? And it's

1054
00:54:14,040 --> 00:54:18,719
Speaker 1: just no one's fault, totally and yeah, so I think

1055
00:54:19,160 --> 00:54:22,440
Speaker 1: for me, I leaned on being really smart to be

1056
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:26,120
Speaker 1: my thing. And god, that's such a dangerous road to

1057
00:54:26,360 --> 00:54:30,239
Speaker 1: go down because why I'm I think I'm smart, but

1058
00:54:30,400 --> 00:54:33,719
Speaker 1: I'm no genius, you know, like even the smartest person,

1059
00:54:33,760 --> 00:54:36,120
Speaker 1: there's probably always someone smart. Yeah, and that comes into

1060
00:54:36,120 --> 00:54:38,600
Speaker 1: self esteem it I will say about this, if we

1061
00:54:38,760 --> 00:54:41,880
Speaker 1: were raised in a cohort that was trained to have

1062
00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:44,399
Speaker 1: high self esteem like that, which is not I don't

1063
00:54:44,400 --> 00:54:46,160
Speaker 1: think the intentions of that were bad. We wanted to

1064
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:48,879
Speaker 1: boost peoples self esteem. But to have self esteem, it's

1065
00:54:48,880 --> 00:54:51,200
Speaker 1: an outward based thing, and so you have to be

1066
00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:54,320
Speaker 1: praised by the outside. Well, that becomes an issue because

1067
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:56,879
Speaker 1: only one person can be the best. And so we're

1068
00:54:56,960 --> 00:55:00,120
Speaker 1: raising these kids in a time where like we're all

1069
00:55:00,160 --> 00:55:01,879
Speaker 1: trying to be the best, and being the best means

1070
00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:04,239
Speaker 1: you have self esteem, but that means there's way more

1071
00:55:04,320 --> 00:55:06,560
Speaker 1: people who are going to have low self esteem than

1072
00:55:06,640 --> 00:55:09,800
Speaker 1: high self esteem. And in that it's a constant hustle

1073
00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:12,719
Speaker 1: because it's always it's how many tests can I get

1074
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:14,880
Speaker 1: the highest grade in? There? Like how many awards can

1075
00:55:14,960 --> 00:55:17,600
Speaker 1: I win, or how many whatever it is. There's it's

1076
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:19,840
Speaker 1: a hustle and that's that goes into the idea of

1077
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:24,800
Speaker 1: being exhausted. Now, what's funny is we have one that

1078
00:55:25,120 --> 00:55:27,359
Speaker 1: that goes into why bullying is such an issue right

1079
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:29,759
Speaker 1: now is because I can boost my self esteem by

1080
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:32,319
Speaker 1: making me think that you're less than me. So I'm

1081
00:55:32,360 --> 00:55:34,839
Speaker 1: going to make you think that too. And the other

1082
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:37,640
Speaker 1: thing is we have more narcissists right now than we

1083
00:55:37,719 --> 00:55:41,080
Speaker 1: probably ever have been aware of, because we are raising

1084
00:55:41,160 --> 00:55:44,160
Speaker 1: people to think that self esteem means that we're good,

1085
00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:49,680
Speaker 1: and like along with that, to not tolerate differences when

1086
00:55:49,719 --> 00:55:51,360
Speaker 1: I think so much of what you're saying makes me

1087
00:55:51,440 --> 00:55:53,640
Speaker 1: even think about burn A Brown and how how much

1088
00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:58,000
Speaker 1: she's talking about belonging and she at some point again,

1089
00:55:58,040 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 1: I'm referencing a book I've never read. Here we are

1090
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:05,279
Speaker 1: again be like a chap let me just like come

1091
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:11,800
Speaker 1: Rene a Brownness. I have heard a lot about it,

1092
00:56:11,920 --> 00:56:15,200
Speaker 1: and I think I have read like maybe a chapter

1093
00:56:15,440 --> 00:56:17,439
Speaker 1: or a part of it. I did read the Maya

1094
00:56:17,480 --> 00:56:22,960
Speaker 1: Angelo poem poem You've read that this is a good book. Okay,

1095
00:56:23,080 --> 00:56:24,960
Speaker 1: But the point is, I do know that this is

1096
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:27,160
Speaker 1: in there, and I do know that at some point,

1097
00:56:27,239 --> 00:56:30,480
Speaker 1: Renee Brown, I'm pretty sure, hopefully let's talking about this,

1098
00:56:30,840 --> 00:56:34,279
Speaker 1: but she talks about belonging to yourself and really like,

1099
00:56:34,360 --> 00:56:37,360
Speaker 1: when you belong to yourself, you can go anywhere. And

1100
00:56:37,960 --> 00:56:40,239
Speaker 1: and I really like I have found that to be

1101
00:56:40,320 --> 00:56:42,520
Speaker 1: true even in my own life. But I've also found

1102
00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:45,000
Speaker 1: to be true like the more that I belonged to myself,

1103
00:56:45,360 --> 00:56:48,440
Speaker 1: the less that I belong other places. And there's this

1104
00:56:48,600 --> 00:56:51,120
Speaker 1: like really key moment even in my life. I remember

1105
00:56:52,120 --> 00:56:54,359
Speaker 1: I was sitting down with some of my friends when

1106
00:56:54,400 --> 00:56:58,200
Speaker 1: I was working in a program and they something came

1107
00:56:58,280 --> 00:57:02,920
Speaker 1: up about uh something, and I had a much more

1108
00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:06,480
Speaker 1: conservative view on it, and I thought to myself like, gosh, well,

1109
00:57:06,520 --> 00:57:09,239
Speaker 1: I can't really talk about this more conservative view in

1110
00:57:09,320 --> 00:57:12,520
Speaker 1: this recovery community because everybody's going to judge me. And

1111
00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:14,680
Speaker 1: then it was like, very quickly after that, I was

1112
00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:18,760
Speaker 1: in a church environment and the same issue came up, um,

1113
00:57:19,040 --> 00:57:21,200
Speaker 1: but in that environment I had a kind of a

1114
00:57:21,600 --> 00:57:24,120
Speaker 1: really a more liberal view and I left and I

1115
00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:26,680
Speaker 1: was like, I'm never going to fit in anywhere, Like

1116
00:57:26,880 --> 00:57:29,440
Speaker 1: I'm too liberal for the church and I'm too conservative

1117
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:32,120
Speaker 1: for the recovery community, and like, you know what am

1118
00:57:32,120 --> 00:57:34,440
Speaker 1: I gonna do? And it actually was like this moment

1119
00:57:34,520 --> 00:57:37,760
Speaker 1: of like, yeah, and what if that's okay? Like who

1120
00:57:37,880 --> 00:57:40,880
Speaker 1: knows if that's okay with church and recovery community, but like,

1121
00:57:41,080 --> 00:57:43,800
Speaker 1: is that okay with me? And I was so thankful

1122
00:57:43,840 --> 00:57:46,400
Speaker 1: because I began stepping into this new place of like,

1123
00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:48,880
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be me because I'm never going to fit

1124
00:57:48,960 --> 00:57:51,960
Speaker 1: into these boxes perfectly anywhere. And I think that's true

1125
00:57:52,040 --> 00:57:54,000
Speaker 1: for all of us. Which I wish that I would

1126
00:57:54,000 --> 00:57:55,840
Speaker 1: have had an idea of what that was when I

1127
00:57:55,920 --> 00:57:58,800
Speaker 1: was younger, because I don't think that thought process would

1128
00:57:58,800 --> 00:58:01,240
Speaker 1: have ever entered my brain because I don't Yeah, I

1129
00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:02,520
Speaker 1: don't think that I thought that that was a thing

1130
00:58:02,600 --> 00:58:07,040
Speaker 1: that was available. Now now, I truly believe that I

1131
00:58:07,120 --> 00:58:09,640
Speaker 1: don't have to have the opinion the opinion of what

1132
00:58:09,920 --> 00:58:12,520
Speaker 1: somebody else thinks about me. I don't have to agree

1133
00:58:12,600 --> 00:58:15,040
Speaker 1: with it. Like somebody can be like she's really ugly

1134
00:58:15,120 --> 00:58:17,360
Speaker 1: and disgusting, and I could be like, Okay, I don't

1135
00:58:17,400 --> 00:58:19,960
Speaker 1: think that you know what I mean. I mean, the

1136
00:58:20,080 --> 00:58:22,280
Speaker 1: opposite could be true too, But I mean if somebody

1137
00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:23,840
Speaker 1: told me I was really great, I but you're right,

1138
00:58:25,160 --> 00:58:29,480
Speaker 1: but years to get there. But yeah, I think that

1139
00:58:29,640 --> 00:58:31,800
Speaker 1: that I wish I would have known that I could

1140
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,600
Speaker 1: be my own person essentially as a kid, because that's

1141
00:58:34,640 --> 00:58:37,360
Speaker 1: one thing if we want to talk about, like iniogram

1142
00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:40,080
Speaker 1: for a second. When my mom learned about and listened

1143
00:58:40,120 --> 00:58:42,960
Speaker 1: to the Road Back to You, she initially thought that

1144
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:47,720
Speaker 1: I was a FOURD. Right. Isn't that crazy? Because when

1145
00:58:47,760 --> 00:58:50,640
Speaker 1: I was little, I think that I always wanted to

1146
00:58:50,720 --> 00:58:54,800
Speaker 1: be different. Like I remember when um My, for one

1147
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:56,920
Speaker 1: of my birthdays, my grandma got me a razor scooter

1148
00:58:57,120 --> 00:59:00,600
Speaker 1: and she got me a like red scooter withlue wheels,

1149
00:59:00,720 --> 00:59:03,400
Speaker 1: and I wanted a silver scooter. So I was like,

1150
00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:06,160
Speaker 1: why did I get this red scooter with blue wheels?

1151
00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:08,520
Speaker 1: And they're like, because you always want to stand out

1152
00:59:08,560 --> 00:59:10,280
Speaker 1: and be different, so we got you a different scooter.

1153
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:13,600
Speaker 1: But really I didn't want that. I wanted the one

1154
00:59:13,600 --> 00:59:16,200
Speaker 1: that everybody else had. So I don't know how I

1155
00:59:16,360 --> 00:59:19,000
Speaker 1: think that Like my pursuit of like I want to

1156
00:59:19,040 --> 00:59:20,560
Speaker 1: find my thing that I'm good at that gives me

1157
00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:23,480
Speaker 1: attention made people think that I wanted to be different

1158
00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:26,200
Speaker 1: than everybody else, But I wanted to just be as

1159
00:59:26,240 --> 00:59:29,360
Speaker 1: accepted as everybody else really, and I didn't know. I

1160
00:59:29,440 --> 00:59:31,880
Speaker 1: didn't know how to figure that out. You wanted to

1161
00:59:31,920 --> 00:59:35,280
Speaker 1: be accepted along with everybody else, but also seen for

1162
00:59:35,520 --> 00:59:38,760
Speaker 1: who you are, in the way that you're uniquely different

1163
00:59:38,840 --> 00:59:42,640
Speaker 1: and gifted. I wanted to be seen as as good

1164
00:59:42,760 --> 00:59:46,200
Speaker 1: as everybody else, I think, and I don't think that

1165
00:59:46,320 --> 00:59:48,920
Speaker 1: I had the awareness that I was, because I do

1166
00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:51,800
Speaker 1: not think that my parents thought my brother was better

1167
00:59:51,880 --> 00:59:53,960
Speaker 1: than me, or my sister was better than me, or

1168
00:59:54,040 --> 00:59:57,280
Speaker 1: my little brother. I do not think they thought that. Now.

1169
00:59:57,680 --> 00:59:59,560
Speaker 1: I think because of the things that we did with

1170
00:59:59,640 --> 01:00:03,560
Speaker 1: our eyes, it was easier to praise them, like it

1171
01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:07,000
Speaker 1: just was, because really what you're talking about is like

1172
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:11,080
Speaker 1: you carried this narrative of how things were, like you

1173
01:00:11,200 --> 01:00:13,680
Speaker 1: were less than your siblings because you didn't play a sport,

1174
01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:16,880
Speaker 1: which play in college sport. Like I'm like, oh, that's

1175
01:00:16,920 --> 01:00:20,520
Speaker 1: not that impressive. Um, there's so much more that goes

1176
01:00:20,520 --> 01:00:23,080
Speaker 1: into that. But you carried this narrative that you were

1177
01:00:23,160 --> 01:00:25,320
Speaker 1: less than and then you walk through the world like

1178
01:00:26,040 --> 01:00:29,560
Speaker 1: through these glasses with your narrative looking for evidence to

1179
01:00:29,680 --> 01:00:32,720
Speaker 1: confirm it. Oh understand. Yeah. So we've talked a lot

1180
01:00:32,720 --> 01:00:34,600
Speaker 1: about a lot of different things, But what I really

1181
01:00:34,640 --> 01:00:37,320
Speaker 1: want to come back to is we've talked about, you know,

1182
01:00:37,440 --> 01:00:40,760
Speaker 1: maybe how some of these beliefs developed around how you

1183
01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:44,160
Speaker 1: viewed yourself and how the eating disorder and um, your

1184
01:00:44,200 --> 01:00:47,480
Speaker 1: relationship with food and body kind of gotten this wonky place.

1185
01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:49,600
Speaker 1: But I really want to come back to like what

1186
01:00:49,800 --> 01:00:52,960
Speaker 1: happened next, even if we're connecting it with your ability

1187
01:00:53,000 --> 01:00:57,800
Speaker 1: to make changes and step into the unknown for what

1188
01:00:57,960 --> 01:00:59,880
Speaker 1: you think is going to be better on the other side,

1189
01:01:00,560 --> 01:01:04,360
Speaker 1: what did that look like in your own recovery journey? Yeah,

1190
01:01:04,680 --> 01:01:09,080
Speaker 1: so you know, I all, I really struggled when one

1191
01:01:09,080 --> 01:01:11,800
Speaker 1: of my therapists asked me one time, like, do you

1192
01:01:11,920 --> 01:01:16,680
Speaker 1: like yourself? And I was like yes, like all clients

1193
01:01:16,680 --> 01:01:18,720
Speaker 1: saying yeah, things like well you really don't seem like

1194
01:01:19,480 --> 01:01:21,919
Speaker 1: well that's what she said. She was like, uh, well

1195
01:01:22,240 --> 01:01:25,520
Speaker 1: it doesn't sound like you like yourself. And I think

1196
01:01:25,560 --> 01:01:26,880
Speaker 1: that was a wake up call for me because I

1197
01:01:26,920 --> 01:01:29,760
Speaker 1: was like, how can you tell? Also like why don't

1198
01:01:29,840 --> 01:01:33,440
Speaker 1: I like myself? Because I will say again, I've always

1199
01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:35,920
Speaker 1: been blessed by having a great community of people around me,

1200
01:01:36,680 --> 01:01:39,240
Speaker 1: and I don't think people would want to hang out

1201
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:42,480
Speaker 1: with me if I sucked, you know, And if I'm

1202
01:01:42,520 --> 01:01:47,080
Speaker 1: looking for this outside validation, I'm getting it like in

1203
01:01:47,200 --> 01:01:50,120
Speaker 1: some regard, Like I was like, wouldn't have friends I

1204
01:01:50,200 --> 01:01:52,240
Speaker 1: think a lot of that plays into relationships. Though I

1205
01:01:52,280 --> 01:01:53,760
Speaker 1: think that I used that is like I won't have

1206
01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:56,720
Speaker 1: all these friends, but I'm not married. Next episode the

1207
01:01:56,800 --> 01:02:01,000
Speaker 1: next episode for sure. But anyway, so I think for

1208
01:02:01,200 --> 01:02:03,640
Speaker 1: me that was a really slow process. It started with

1209
01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:06,840
Speaker 1: this idea. Okay, if I've been going back to I

1210
01:02:06,920 --> 01:02:09,880
Speaker 1: was talking about the whole idea of attention versus the

1211
01:02:09,960 --> 01:02:12,560
Speaker 1: desire to be yourself, and I was like, okay, well

1212
01:02:12,600 --> 01:02:14,720
Speaker 1: if I dropped these things that are giving me attention,

1213
01:02:15,640 --> 01:02:18,360
Speaker 1: then I can start looking at like what actually is

1214
01:02:18,440 --> 01:02:22,200
Speaker 1: really me and what actually is the disease part, and

1215
01:02:22,520 --> 01:02:24,959
Speaker 1: what maybe are both because I think sometimes there's both.

1216
01:02:25,560 --> 01:02:28,880
Speaker 1: And so one of my therapists said, Catherine, this is

1217
01:02:28,920 --> 01:02:30,560
Speaker 1: so funny because it goes along with your story. She

1218
01:02:30,640 --> 01:02:35,680
Speaker 1: was like, you need to get a hobby. Yes, I

1219
01:02:35,800 --> 01:02:37,920
Speaker 1: was like, I had a runner and she was like,

1220
01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:40,680
Speaker 1: you need a hobby that isn't an addiction. And I

1221
01:02:40,760 --> 01:02:43,960
Speaker 1: was like what. And it's so funny because you know,

1222
01:02:44,040 --> 01:02:45,320
Speaker 1: people are like, what do you like to do for fun?

1223
01:02:45,480 --> 01:02:48,240
Speaker 1: I always feel like the most boring like person ever

1224
01:02:48,280 --> 01:02:50,400
Speaker 1: because I'm like, I don't know, I hang out with

1225
01:02:50,440 --> 01:02:52,320
Speaker 1: my friends. But I was like I would like to

1226
01:02:52,360 --> 01:02:54,000
Speaker 1: have something and I could say, like, this is what

1227
01:02:54,120 --> 01:02:56,480
Speaker 1: I do. So we talked about a lot of things,

1228
01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:59,360
Speaker 1: but that's where I landed on the jewelry. Yeah. She

1229
01:02:59,440 --> 01:03:00,880
Speaker 1: was like, it would be really good for you to

1230
01:03:00,920 --> 01:03:02,600
Speaker 1: have a hobby where you work with your hands and

1231
01:03:02,640 --> 01:03:05,120
Speaker 1: you can be focused on something so you're not ruminating

1232
01:03:05,160 --> 01:03:07,080
Speaker 1: and all of the crap that you like cycle through.

1233
01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:09,240
Speaker 1: Because when I would go on runs, all I was

1234
01:03:09,280 --> 01:03:13,000
Speaker 1: doing was cycling through like negative thoughts. So um, I

1235
01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:14,440
Speaker 1: started doing that and then I was like, wait, I'm

1236
01:03:14,440 --> 01:03:16,640
Speaker 1: good at this, and then you know, I opened that business.

1237
01:03:17,160 --> 01:03:21,800
Speaker 1: Here we are I almost give it rested, but thank you.

1238
01:03:22,320 --> 01:03:25,480
Speaker 1: That's the therapist that's in this office. But anyway, so

1239
01:03:25,800 --> 01:03:28,400
Speaker 1: I think it started with that. And well, it sounds

1240
01:03:28,440 --> 01:03:31,439
Speaker 1: like you started making changes in your life to move

1241
01:03:31,520 --> 01:03:34,640
Speaker 1: toward being a healthier, like better version of yourself. You

1242
01:03:34,680 --> 01:03:37,080
Speaker 1: know what it is coming up? So, yes, that's true.

1243
01:03:37,320 --> 01:03:39,400
Speaker 1: But what it's coming up right now for me is

1244
01:03:39,480 --> 01:03:41,560
Speaker 1: that I feel like I should have a better answer

1245
01:03:41,720 --> 01:03:44,040
Speaker 1: for this. I feel like I should have an answer

1246
01:03:44,080 --> 01:03:46,800
Speaker 1: of like, this is what I did, and these are

1247
01:03:46,840 --> 01:03:49,280
Speaker 1: the steps that I took, and this is how it happened.

1248
01:03:49,640 --> 01:03:51,920
Speaker 1: And I don't have an answer, and I don't know

1249
01:03:51,960 --> 01:03:54,800
Speaker 1: if I like that. Yeah. I think, like what you're

1250
01:03:54,840 --> 01:03:58,560
Speaker 1: talking about is like the healing journey, Like it's not linear,

1251
01:03:58,880 --> 01:04:01,960
Speaker 1: it's hard to explain. Yeah, like it. I think of

1252
01:04:02,040 --> 01:04:04,000
Speaker 1: the quote of like it takes a village to raise

1253
01:04:04,040 --> 01:04:06,720
Speaker 1: a child. I think of the same thing in our

1254
01:04:06,800 --> 01:04:09,720
Speaker 1: own healing, like it takes a village to really heal

1255
01:04:09,880 --> 01:04:14,240
Speaker 1: and be able to become yourself. Yeah. Because you know,

1256
01:04:14,880 --> 01:04:18,760
Speaker 1: what I think I did do is in the past.

1257
01:04:19,320 --> 01:04:22,160
Speaker 1: I don't know how many years we'll say, like this

1258
01:04:22,280 --> 01:04:24,440
Speaker 1: whole process has been the eight year process, eight, nine

1259
01:04:24,480 --> 01:04:27,720
Speaker 1: year process. Nine. What I have, what I have seen

1260
01:04:27,840 --> 01:04:33,680
Speaker 1: myself do is lean into the idea that and it

1261
01:04:33,800 --> 01:04:38,440
Speaker 1: was trial by error, right, So lean into the idea

1262
01:04:38,600 --> 01:04:41,120
Speaker 1: that if I start showing up how I want to

1263
01:04:41,240 --> 01:04:47,040
Speaker 1: show up and people reject that, that is okay. That's

1264
01:04:47,120 --> 01:04:50,439
Speaker 1: I think was the key for me because I lived

1265
01:04:50,480 --> 01:04:53,400
Speaker 1: in this world where I show up how I want

1266
01:04:53,440 --> 01:04:55,760
Speaker 1: to show up and people reject it, that means that

1267
01:04:55,840 --> 01:04:58,880
Speaker 1: I'm bad or wrong or not wanted. Being not wanted

1268
01:04:59,000 --> 01:05:02,680
Speaker 1: was a huge thing for me, And so I taught

1269
01:05:02,760 --> 01:05:07,560
Speaker 1: myself that I can still survive rejection. I can survive it.

1270
01:05:08,200 --> 01:05:13,880
Speaker 1: And it's more risky now because before if I was

1271
01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:16,280
Speaker 1: showing up, I was showing up how I thought you

1272
01:05:16,320 --> 01:05:20,160
Speaker 1: wanted me to show up. I was rejected. It wasn't

1273
01:05:20,200 --> 01:05:22,640
Speaker 1: my fault. I was like, well, you these people want this,

1274
01:05:23,000 --> 01:05:25,040
Speaker 1: so they should be happy with this or whatever. But

1275
01:05:25,160 --> 01:05:27,200
Speaker 1: now it's like, I'm doing what I want to do.

1276
01:05:27,960 --> 01:05:33,160
Speaker 1: And so because I know that I don't like every

1277
01:05:33,200 --> 01:05:35,720
Speaker 1: single human there is in the world, that doesn't mean

1278
01:05:35,760 --> 01:05:38,280
Speaker 1: that those people are bad or wrong. It just just

1279
01:05:38,440 --> 01:05:40,840
Speaker 1: like I have a personality and I'm going to be

1280
01:05:40,920 --> 01:05:43,400
Speaker 1: drawn to certain personalities and other people are going to

1281
01:05:43,480 --> 01:05:46,760
Speaker 1: be like it's the same thing for other people, you know. Yeah,

1282
01:05:46,880 --> 01:05:48,880
Speaker 1: And it's really like, even when you talk about not

1283
01:05:49,000 --> 01:05:51,960
Speaker 1: being wanted like it, I would put it in the

1284
01:05:52,000 --> 01:05:55,520
Speaker 1: same category of like fear of being abandoned. And really

1285
01:05:55,640 --> 01:05:58,320
Speaker 1: the thing is is like how do you want to

1286
01:05:58,360 --> 01:06:01,120
Speaker 1: be abandoned? Essentially be as do you want to abandon

1287
01:06:01,200 --> 01:06:04,680
Speaker 1: yourself to risk Are you willing to abandon yourself to

1288
01:06:04,760 --> 01:06:07,520
Speaker 1: maybe fit in with these other people or this group,

1289
01:06:08,520 --> 01:06:10,960
Speaker 1: or are you risk being Are you willing to risk

1290
01:06:11,040 --> 01:06:14,400
Speaker 1: being true to yourself and possibly being abandoned by the

1291
01:06:14,920 --> 01:06:16,440
Speaker 1: group of people that you want to fit in with,

1292
01:06:17,160 --> 01:06:19,240
Speaker 1: but what you'll get is like when you're true to

1293
01:06:19,320 --> 01:06:23,080
Speaker 1: yourself and you're actually accepted if you get what you're

1294
01:06:23,120 --> 01:06:26,520
Speaker 1: really looking for. But when you're abandoning yourself to be accepted,

1295
01:06:27,560 --> 01:06:29,680
Speaker 1: you're not getting anything at all because you're not really

1296
01:06:29,720 --> 01:06:32,000
Speaker 1: being accepted for who you are. And I mean that,

1297
01:06:32,280 --> 01:06:34,680
Speaker 1: I mean I think that you're That sums it all

1298
01:06:34,800 --> 01:06:37,439
Speaker 1: up for me, because I did get a certain level

1299
01:06:37,480 --> 01:06:40,240
Speaker 1: of acceptance, but it did not like I wish I

1300
01:06:40,280 --> 01:06:43,200
Speaker 1: could implant this into everybody's brain, like it did not

1301
01:06:44,200 --> 01:06:47,480
Speaker 1: feel right, Like it didn't. It didn't feel right, and

1302
01:06:47,680 --> 01:06:50,360
Speaker 1: so I didn't want to live that way. And so

1303
01:06:51,520 --> 01:06:55,800
Speaker 1: now I am accepted by maybe a smaller pool of people. Sure,

1304
01:06:56,080 --> 01:07:00,240
Speaker 1: but it feels right with me yea. Which as me

1305
01:07:00,320 --> 01:07:02,720
Speaker 1: to like the final question that I really like ask

1306
01:07:02,800 --> 01:07:06,640
Speaker 1: and want to hold um in this space because it's

1307
01:07:06,680 --> 01:07:10,040
Speaker 1: one of my favorite questions to ask people. And really,

1308
01:07:10,400 --> 01:07:12,840
Speaker 1: I guess the way to frame the question is what

1309
01:07:14,040 --> 01:07:16,000
Speaker 1: what are the words that you most want to hear

1310
01:07:16,040 --> 01:07:21,160
Speaker 1: about yourself? Oh God, from myself or from other people?

1311
01:07:21,480 --> 01:07:23,440
Speaker 1: I think from other people. So I'll start in giving

1312
01:07:23,480 --> 01:07:25,840
Speaker 1: an example, like people say a lot of things about

1313
01:07:25,880 --> 01:07:28,640
Speaker 1: me like, oh, you're strong, you're inspiring, your courageous, like

1314
01:07:29,160 --> 01:07:31,280
Speaker 1: all of these really nice things. And I'm like, yeah,

1315
01:07:31,360 --> 01:07:33,360
Speaker 1: that might be true, or that might be true. But

1316
01:07:33,520 --> 01:07:36,439
Speaker 1: what I like, deeply, deeply, deeply want people to see

1317
01:07:36,600 --> 01:07:38,800
Speaker 1: and affirm about me and say to me is like

1318
01:07:38,920 --> 01:07:42,320
Speaker 1: that I'm tender and kind Like those words are like

1319
01:07:42,440 --> 01:07:45,000
Speaker 1: when somebody says something in that realm, I'm like, oh,

1320
01:07:45,440 --> 01:07:50,080
Speaker 1: you see me like you see me. And so when

1321
01:07:50,160 --> 01:07:52,760
Speaker 1: you think about that, yeah, what are the words you

1322
01:07:52,920 --> 01:07:57,080
Speaker 1: most long to hear? Um So my first thought is

1323
01:07:57,440 --> 01:08:00,080
Speaker 1: it's a glad of words I want to hear. And

1324
01:08:00,640 --> 01:08:03,680
Speaker 1: this part makes me want to tell people to give

1325
01:08:03,720 --> 01:08:10,240
Speaker 1: themselves grace because I do like myself. Because I like myself,

1326
01:08:10,800 --> 01:08:15,080
Speaker 1: I'm able to be outwardly aware and honest with people

1327
01:08:15,120 --> 01:08:18,680
Speaker 1: that I also am insecure. Then I say this all

1328
01:08:18,720 --> 01:08:22,720
Speaker 1: the time. But whether you're anxious or avoid it, they're

1329
01:08:22,840 --> 01:08:27,599
Speaker 1: both of those kinds of attachment. House are insecure. I'm

1330
01:08:27,680 --> 01:08:32,840
Speaker 1: just loud about me. We don't want anybody know we

1331
01:08:33,000 --> 01:08:35,000
Speaker 1: look better doing it. Yeah, you look a lot better

1332
01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:44,960
Speaker 1: well to the naked I'm trained. But I think, what

1333
01:08:45,080 --> 01:08:48,120
Speaker 1: do I want to hear? I think I want people

1334
01:08:49,960 --> 01:08:54,600
Speaker 1: to see a name in me one my authenticity. I

1335
01:08:54,800 --> 01:09:00,720
Speaker 1: try to be so honest, whether that is attractive unattractive,

1336
01:09:01,360 --> 01:09:07,439
Speaker 1: because I am so tired of this visual that being

1337
01:09:07,760 --> 01:09:14,920
Speaker 1: right or being completely healthy or whatever is what we need.

1338
01:09:15,800 --> 01:09:18,120
Speaker 1: We don't need that. So I think what I want

1339
01:09:18,200 --> 01:09:20,720
Speaker 1: people to see is that, like, I'm authentic and I'm

1340
01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:24,880
Speaker 1: super messy in the sense of I'm imperfect in a

1341
01:09:25,040 --> 01:09:29,080
Speaker 1: lot of ways. At the same time, I'm always on

1342
01:09:29,280 --> 01:09:34,800
Speaker 1: a forever pursuit of learning about myself and about other people,

1343
01:09:35,120 --> 01:09:37,439
Speaker 1: and they can change this where they need to be made. Like,

1344
01:09:37,560 --> 01:09:40,880
Speaker 1: I truly love when people can in a kind way

1345
01:09:41,520 --> 01:09:44,400
Speaker 1: point out something that they're seeing that might be harmful

1346
01:09:44,600 --> 01:09:47,640
Speaker 1: that I'm doing or that's annoying, Like I want to know.

1347
01:09:48,680 --> 01:09:51,519
Speaker 1: So I want people to see that I'm open to Yeah,

1348
01:09:51,600 --> 01:09:53,840
Speaker 1: it sounds like if I can even just say it back,

1349
01:09:54,000 --> 01:09:58,360
Speaker 1: because that was a yeah. That was a question that

1350
01:09:58,439 --> 01:10:01,080
Speaker 1: I totally didn't tell you was going to ask beforehand

1351
01:10:01,120 --> 01:10:02,880
Speaker 1: because I didn't even know I would. It just kind

1352
01:10:02,920 --> 01:10:05,800
Speaker 1: of came out of me, and you really got to

1353
01:10:05,920 --> 01:10:07,880
Speaker 1: like stumble through it and see how hard it is

1354
01:10:07,960 --> 01:10:10,080
Speaker 1: to come to like what you deeply want to be

1355
01:10:10,160 --> 01:10:14,080
Speaker 1: seen for nobody's ever asked that. Yeah, and it sounds

1356
01:10:14,160 --> 01:10:16,840
Speaker 1: like what you like I would want to hear if

1357
01:10:16,880 --> 01:10:19,200
Speaker 1: I kind of compile it and say it back to you,

1358
01:10:20,439 --> 01:10:23,800
Speaker 1: is like, hey, Catherine, like I see how hard you

1359
01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:26,880
Speaker 1: work to be honest and really live an authentic life,

1360
01:10:27,680 --> 01:10:29,960
Speaker 1: and I see the struggle in how hard it is

1361
01:10:30,040 --> 01:10:32,760
Speaker 1: to do that and in your humanity, and I really

1362
01:10:33,240 --> 01:10:38,439
Speaker 1: admire and appreciate your attempts. If I cried often, that

1363
01:10:38,479 --> 01:10:41,960
Speaker 1: would make me cry, but like, yes, like I keep

1364
01:10:42,080 --> 01:10:46,840
Speaker 1: thinking about like relations in relationships, I wish that I

1365
01:10:46,880 --> 01:10:50,639
Speaker 1: would have been given that grace because it almost felt

1366
01:10:50,760 --> 01:10:54,240
Speaker 1: like when there was something that was seen as imperfect,

1367
01:10:54,720 --> 01:10:56,320
Speaker 1: this is what I made up in my head. It

1368
01:10:56,680 --> 01:10:59,080
Speaker 1: was like a I don't even want to work on this,

1369
01:11:00,520 --> 01:11:04,560
Speaker 1: but I do, and I'm trying. I want somebody to

1370
01:11:04,680 --> 01:11:07,960
Speaker 1: value the fact that I'm trying, which means about to

1371
01:11:08,080 --> 01:11:12,360
Speaker 1: like your attempts matter like life. Like lots of people

1372
01:11:12,400 --> 01:11:14,680
Speaker 1: say lots of different ways, you know, like progress not

1373
01:11:14,800 --> 01:11:18,400
Speaker 1: perfection or however they want to say it, But I

1374
01:11:18,520 --> 01:11:21,639
Speaker 1: think what it really comes down to is like, yeah,

1375
01:11:21,760 --> 01:11:24,519
Speaker 1: it's not good enough just to say like I'm trying, right,

1376
01:11:24,720 --> 01:11:27,839
Speaker 1: But it's really like what are you doing and people's

1377
01:11:27,840 --> 01:11:32,880
Speaker 1: attempts really matter. Yeah, And along with that, like even

1378
01:11:32,920 --> 01:11:37,160
Speaker 1: if in closing or I remember I did this exercise

1379
01:11:37,240 --> 01:11:40,200
Speaker 1: and and um, that question came up. I like, what

1380
01:11:40,280 --> 01:11:43,960
Speaker 1: do you really want to hear about yourself? And um,

1381
01:11:44,160 --> 01:11:45,880
Speaker 1: Eric and I were talking about this together and he

1382
01:11:46,479 --> 01:11:48,920
Speaker 1: had written down on a note card hopefully this is okay,

1383
01:11:49,280 --> 01:11:52,839
Speaker 1: um sharing. But he wrote down that he's kind and helpful,

1384
01:11:53,640 --> 01:11:56,600
Speaker 1: and something inside of me was like, this man is

1385
01:11:56,800 --> 01:12:01,559
Speaker 1: so kind and so helpful, and I probably don't tell

1386
01:12:01,680 --> 01:12:06,080
Speaker 1: him that. And after knowing that's what he like longs

1387
01:12:06,160 --> 01:12:09,240
Speaker 1: to hear, I like stored that inside of me and

1388
01:12:09,360 --> 01:12:10,880
Speaker 1: not that I look at him every single day and

1389
01:12:10,920 --> 01:12:14,320
Speaker 1: say you're kind and helpful, but like I know, like, hey,

1390
01:12:14,560 --> 01:12:16,760
Speaker 1: this is what he wants to be seen for, and

1391
01:12:16,880 --> 01:12:21,040
Speaker 1: I'm able to affirm that. And so even like part

1392
01:12:21,080 --> 01:12:22,880
Speaker 1: of me, this is like a call to people out

1393
01:12:22,920 --> 01:12:25,120
Speaker 1: there in the world. But what would it be like

1394
01:12:25,280 --> 01:12:27,680
Speaker 1: to ask your friends, or ask your family, or ask

1395
01:12:27,760 --> 01:12:30,040
Speaker 1: people that you're close to, like, hey, what do you

1396
01:12:30,600 --> 01:12:33,080
Speaker 1: want to be seen for? So that we can start

1397
01:12:33,120 --> 01:12:36,760
Speaker 1: seeing people and naming and affirming the things they long

1398
01:12:36,880 --> 01:12:40,479
Speaker 1: to hear. Rather than these other parts of them that

1399
01:12:40,680 --> 01:12:44,439
Speaker 1: maybe more even performance parts of them so people can

1400
01:12:44,479 --> 01:12:48,800
Speaker 1: start getting what they need. Because I wouldn't I don't

1401
01:12:48,840 --> 01:12:50,639
Speaker 1: think I would ever ask you to tell those things.

1402
01:12:50,720 --> 01:12:55,400
Speaker 1: But yeah, you're authentic, your attempts matter, and your imperfections.

1403
01:12:55,800 --> 01:13:00,800
Speaker 1: Welcome here, Katherine, Oh, thank you, thanks for being on

1404
01:13:00,920 --> 01:13:11,559
Speaker 1: my team here. Um is that where we had? Gosh,

1405
01:13:11,680 --> 01:13:14,519
Speaker 1: I am so excited about what's to come. This is

1406
01:13:14,560 --> 01:13:17,280
Speaker 1: going to be really fun doing this podcast together. And

1407
01:13:17,439 --> 01:13:20,080
Speaker 1: what a great episode today to really get to hear

1408
01:13:20,160 --> 01:13:23,920
Speaker 1: more from Catherine, the woman behind the microphone on these

1409
01:13:24,320 --> 01:13:27,960
Speaker 1: first couple of episodes, and really just to hear you know,

1410
01:13:28,080 --> 01:13:31,360
Speaker 1: some of your journey and learn more about I think

1411
01:13:31,479 --> 01:13:33,840
Speaker 1: one of your biggest giftings to offer the world, which

1412
01:13:33,920 --> 01:13:38,000
Speaker 1: is how to take action. Um, I'm so glad we

1413
01:13:38,080 --> 01:13:41,720
Speaker 1: talked about belonging and about how easy it is to

1414
01:13:41,840 --> 01:13:46,360
Speaker 1: get into certain patterns of behavior or full blown eating

1415
01:13:46,360 --> 01:13:50,040
Speaker 1: disorders or addictions. And really it sounds like, even from you,

1416
01:13:50,680 --> 01:13:52,880
Speaker 1: how that came from a really good place of wanting

1417
01:13:52,920 --> 01:13:56,679
Speaker 1: attention and affirmation. And actually what you ended up finding

1418
01:13:56,720 --> 01:13:59,800
Speaker 1: out is the more that you became what you thought

1419
01:14:00,160 --> 01:14:03,840
Speaker 1: people wanted, actually the more that backfired and the real

1420
01:14:04,439 --> 01:14:07,360
Speaker 1: secret that's not so secret to life is actually that

1421
01:14:07,479 --> 01:14:10,639
Speaker 1: the more that you are who you were really made

1422
01:14:10,760 --> 01:14:12,920
Speaker 1: to be, and the more that you lean into that

1423
01:14:13,080 --> 01:14:16,519
Speaker 1: and become yourself, the better that works and the more

1424
01:14:17,479 --> 01:14:23,879
Speaker 1: the affirmation actually sticks. So thanks for helping us take action. Catherine.

1425
01:14:23,960 --> 01:14:27,560
Speaker 1: We love you and I love you so excited to

1426
01:14:27,640 --> 01:14:30,960
Speaker 1: co host with you. Thanks for doing this. Yeah, we

1427
01:14:31,080 --> 01:14:34,479
Speaker 1: are excited for what succumb Um to help us out

1428
01:14:34,560 --> 01:14:36,519
Speaker 1: and to help get the word out about the UNI

1429
01:14:36,640 --> 01:14:41,280
Speaker 1: Therapy podcast, please go ahead and subscribe, like, comment, give

1430
01:14:41,400 --> 01:14:46,439
Speaker 1: feedback on all the appropriate places or whatever platform you're listening.

1431
01:14:46,560 --> 01:14:48,400
Speaker 1: I know that it only takes a few seconds, but

1432
01:14:48,520 --> 01:14:51,160
Speaker 1: it really does make a huge difference in terms of

1433
01:14:51,320 --> 01:14:56,240
Speaker 1: ratings and helping more people get what they need. Um off,

1434
01:14:56,400 --> 01:15:01,439
Speaker 1: but also follow us um. You can follow Catherine at

1435
01:15:01,560 --> 01:15:05,680
Speaker 1: three Chords Therapy on Instagram and at www dot three

1436
01:15:05,760 --> 01:15:09,160
Speaker 1: Chords Therapy dot com. And you can follow me at

1437
01:15:09,280 --> 01:15:13,920
Speaker 1: at Megan Moyer and on my website at www Dot

1438
01:15:14,080 --> 01:15:18,559
Speaker 1: Megan dash Morrier dot com. We would love to hear

1439
01:15:18,600 --> 01:15:21,840
Speaker 1: from you, guys, so please reach out. Tell us what

1440
01:15:21,960 --> 01:15:26,320
Speaker 1: you think. We love you, We love positive affirmation. Okay,

1441
01:15:26,439 --> 01:15:29,320
Speaker 1: I've worked on myself but I still be affirmation and

1442
01:15:29,680 --> 01:15:34,000
Speaker 1: I also appreciate some constructive feedback. Yeah, or also questions

1443
01:15:34,080 --> 01:15:36,240
Speaker 1: or topics that you all would like covered. We welcome

1444
01:15:36,560 --> 01:15:42,519
Speaker 1: all things except for thanks for clarifying right bye bye

1445
01:16:00,360 --> 01:16:19,800
Speaker 1: to S.