1 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,560 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to Couch Talks on You Need 2 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,160 Speaker 1: Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and I'm the host. 3 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,040 Speaker 1: If you are unfamiliar with couch Talks, it is the 4 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,159 Speaker 1: special bonus episode that comes out every Wednesday where I 5 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: answer questions that you guys sent to me at Catherine 6 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,639 Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. Now, each week, 7 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:29,720 Speaker 1: I pick one question to answer and we talked about 8 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,920 Speaker 1: it together, even though I'm doing the talking most of 9 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,720 Speaker 1: the time. But I always like to remind listeners that 10 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,519 Speaker 1: this podcast is not a replacement or a substitute for 11 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:41,239 Speaker 1: actual mental health services. However, it might help you in 12 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:45,360 Speaker 1: your journey to better your mental health. So this week, 13 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,120 Speaker 1: I'm actually going to take a little bit of a turn, 14 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,960 Speaker 1: as I sometimes do, because I want to talk about 15 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,279 Speaker 1: this great post I read on Instagram from this guy 16 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:55,279 Speaker 1: named Mike Foster. You can find him on Instagram at 17 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:59,840 Speaker 1: Mike Foster two thousand. He is a counselor and an author. 18 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:01,800 Speaker 1: He used to be the host of the podcast called 19 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,960 Speaker 1: Fun Therapy that I really liked, but he hasn't put 20 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 1: an episode out in two years, so I don't think 21 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,160 Speaker 1: he's getting back into that. Maybe he is. I don't know. 22 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,040 Speaker 1: The old episodes are great, so I highly recommend them again, 23 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:16,600 Speaker 1: that's fun therapy. But he put this post up that 24 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:18,480 Speaker 1: I read today, and you know, if you listen to 25 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,440 Speaker 1: podcast often, you know that I get a little bit 26 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,120 Speaker 1: frustrated by some of the stuff I see around mental 27 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 1: health on the internet. But Mike Foster is one person 28 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: that I refused to unfollowed because I think he's great 29 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,279 Speaker 1: and I love the oftentimes the simplicity of what he writes. 30 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: But at the same time it hits you and like 31 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 1: gut punches in you, and you're like, oh, that's good. 32 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,440 Speaker 1: So I saw this post that he made today. It 33 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,800 Speaker 1: was a carousel, which means it was like a bunch 34 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 1: of posts and you swipe through them, and at the 35 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:46,640 Speaker 1: top of each one it says what real life grief 36 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,640 Speaker 1: looks like, And then through each picture there is a 37 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,800 Speaker 1: different sentence that he put and so I'm gonna read 38 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 1: those sentences. So what real life grief looks like? One 39 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 1: pretending to be okay so people won't ask if you're okay, 40 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 1: to going to the gym for five minutes and then 41 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:06,440 Speaker 1: leaving to go back home three totally slain and crushing 42 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,359 Speaker 1: certain work or personal aspects of your life for about 43 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:14,360 Speaker 1: an hour. For zero tolerance for other people's bs. Five 44 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:17,400 Speaker 1: searching for enough courage and motivation to fill up the 45 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,640 Speaker 1: car with gas. Six eating way too much candy and 46 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:27,400 Speaker 1: drinking too much of anything. Seven, Scrolling miles and miles 47 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:31,760 Speaker 1: of social media. Eight your favorite breakfast doesn't taste as good, 48 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 1: not even the extra crispy bacon. Nine. A pile of 49 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,919 Speaker 1: stacked up Male and Amazon deliveries that have not been opened. 50 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,280 Speaker 1: And then underneath this there's a caption. I want to 51 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:47,079 Speaker 1: read that too, because Mike also has the art of 52 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 1: being succinct but also giving us a lot of depth 53 00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:53,239 Speaker 1: and energy and and what he writes, and so I 54 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: want to read what he wrote. Underneath this post says griefous, squishy. 55 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:02,520 Speaker 1: It's often undefined and hard to put words to. Generally, 56 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,800 Speaker 1: it's caused by an event where something in our lives 57 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:08,440 Speaker 1: is lost forever. It can be a job, a relationship, 58 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 1: a way of life, a dream we once had, the 59 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:15,760 Speaker 1: death of a loved one, et cetera. Basically, grief plants 60 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,240 Speaker 1: itself and our souls when something is lost or taken 61 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,320 Speaker 1: from our lives. It happens when love has nowhere to 62 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:24,720 Speaker 1: go anymore. But most of us struggle with the grief process. 63 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:29,600 Speaker 1: Like me, it feels vulnerable and confusing and inconvenient. Grief 64 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:32,920 Speaker 1: is highly unproductive and inefficient for our super productive, highly 65 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:37,000 Speaker 1: driven goal accomplishing Western American lifestyles. By the way, no judgment, 66 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:40,240 Speaker 1: but just saying, but those who live well know how 67 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,560 Speaker 1: to grieve well. The process of letting go is ultimately 68 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 1: the most fundamental process of life. And oh my gosh, 69 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,040 Speaker 1: I just thought that was so good. Like I stopped 70 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: and looked at that post for so long, and I 71 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 1: was like, Okay, this is definitely the conversation I'm having 72 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 1: with you guys today. I love where he says grief 73 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:59,560 Speaker 1: feels vulnerable and confusing, and it's inconvenient and it's unproductive. 74 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,120 Speaker 1: How where the process of letting go is ultimately the 75 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 1: most fundamental process of life. We have to let go 76 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,320 Speaker 1: over and over and over and over again in our 77 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 1: lives to actually get through it. And um, it's always changing. 78 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:14,440 Speaker 1: That means we're always grieving. And the one that I 79 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,000 Speaker 1: personally related to the most was number three. I actually 80 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,919 Speaker 1: reposted that one to my story and it says totally 81 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,160 Speaker 1: slain and crushing certain work or personal aspects of your 82 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 1: life for about an hour. I've talked about this before, 83 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: but I remember during one of my most excruciating like 84 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: grieving processes, I ended up having to stay with my 85 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,960 Speaker 1: parents because I just was really struggling, and I and 86 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 1: my mom saying to me, you just have to go 87 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,919 Speaker 1: to work for a couple of hours and then you 88 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,640 Speaker 1: can come back to bed, and then you can cry 89 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,799 Speaker 1: as much as you want. And so life then became 90 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:49,840 Speaker 1: these little pockets of time where I was holding it together, 91 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 1: and then these pockets of time where I was just 92 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 1: letting it go, and most people only saw the pockets 93 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,120 Speaker 1: of time where I was holding it together. It's what 94 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,120 Speaker 1: I did for probably a couple of weeks, maybe more. 95 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,159 Speaker 1: That time of my life is a little blurring now, 96 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,760 Speaker 1: but people in those pockets think you're doing great, or 97 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: they don't suspect that anything is happening inside of you, 98 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,440 Speaker 1: and maybe that's what we want in those moments. I 99 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:12,360 Speaker 1: think oftentimes it was nice to be able to hide 100 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,800 Speaker 1: so I have to talk about it, or felt like 101 00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 1: people couldn't just see how much of our strug on 102 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 1: my face. I I enjoyed that, and in that it's 103 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 1: important to remember this because a greeting person who feels 104 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,599 Speaker 1: like the world is crumbling can also look like a 105 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:29,720 Speaker 1: highly functional person. So we're going through the world, it's 106 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,560 Speaker 1: it's nice to be able to say, hey, that person 107 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,520 Speaker 1: looks highly functional. It looks like they have it all together. 108 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:36,000 Speaker 1: It looks like they're doing X Y z um. And 109 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,240 Speaker 1: maybe they do something that pisces you off or there 110 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 1: they cut you off, whether that's in speaking or driving 111 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,039 Speaker 1: or steal your parking spot, and and they look like 112 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,320 Speaker 1: they're just like, you know, having the time of their 113 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,479 Speaker 1: life and really like maybe that's like that pocket of 114 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,799 Speaker 1: time where they're holding it together. But what's also interesting 115 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,840 Speaker 1: is that we notice those big, soul crushing grieving moments 116 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 1: so easily, and we can often find within ourselves some 117 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: space to find grace and understanding and self compassion when 118 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 1: those times come. But in the smaller, more transparent, hard 119 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,800 Speaker 1: to see, hard to spot kind of moments, we mistake 120 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 1: grief for being lazy or stupid, or maybe too soft 121 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,360 Speaker 1: or not dedicated enough. And I think that we do 122 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:20,520 Speaker 1: that because we just often don't know that we're grieving 123 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: at all. The symptoms of grief look like character defects 124 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 1: or flaws and self control, when in reality, our body 125 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,120 Speaker 1: is trying to find a way to cope, whether our 126 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 1: minds agreed to recognize it or not. And that's why, 127 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,000 Speaker 1: and the beginning of this little conversation I said, like 128 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,560 Speaker 1: this part where he says, the process of letting go 129 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,360 Speaker 1: is ultimately the most fundamental process of life. We're doing 130 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,599 Speaker 1: it over and over and over and over again. We 131 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 1: have defined grief as these big things when grief is 132 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,200 Speaker 1: something that happens all the time, because life is always 133 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,240 Speaker 1: changing and we have to change to move through life. 134 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: We don't just grieve when we lose a partner, a 135 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,960 Speaker 1: loved one. We grieve when plans get canceled. Well somehow 136 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,240 Speaker 1: as we grieve when plans get canceled, and sometimes we celebrate, 137 00:07:02,279 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 1: but sometimes we grieve when plants get canceled. And we 138 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 1: grieve when we don't get a job, or sometimes we 139 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,240 Speaker 1: agree and we do get a new job and we 140 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 1: have to leave an old job or an old way 141 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:13,480 Speaker 1: of life or an old old routine. Where there's change, 142 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:17,120 Speaker 1: we grief. It's literally inevitable. It's just as part of 143 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 1: moving through the world. And maybe you aren't right now. 144 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,560 Speaker 1: The person who's running out of the gym after being 145 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 1: on the treadmill for three months. But maybe you are 146 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 1: the person right now that can't force yourself to cook 147 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,200 Speaker 1: dinner for like the third night in a row, and 148 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,840 Speaker 1: you just order something even though you have groceries in 149 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:35,120 Speaker 1: the fridge. Or maybe you're the person who keeps having 150 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 1: one too many drinks at happy hour and you don't 151 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 1: know why because you've never had this issue before. Or 152 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,720 Speaker 1: maybe you're the person who has this huge deck of 153 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 1: mail all over your countertops because opening one piece feels 154 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 1: so overwhelming that you don't open mail for weeks. Change 155 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,320 Speaker 1: is hard and its draining as much as it can 156 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 1: be exciting and fun. And I want you guys to 157 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,160 Speaker 1: hear that even through good things, we crieve, and so 158 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,200 Speaker 1: we can have that dialect. We can have that both 159 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: and we're we're really excited about what's ahead, but we're 160 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,680 Speaker 1: also really sad about what we're leaving behind. And when 161 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,160 Speaker 1: we leave something behind, we go through a grieving process. 162 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,640 Speaker 1: Our bodies are going to take us through that whether 163 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 1: we want to or not. And if we are not 164 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 1: paying attention to ourselves and what's going on inside of us, 165 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,920 Speaker 1: as we start to lack regularity on the things we're 166 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 1: doing on the outside, we can miss judge our own behavior. 167 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,440 Speaker 1: So in all of this, I really wanted to read 168 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 1: this post because it's so important to be kind to 169 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 1: others because of this stuff, and I think giving humans 170 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: the benefit of the doubt is more often than not 171 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:41,320 Speaker 1: a very hard and important skill that we all should 172 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,240 Speaker 1: be practicing. And in that we also need to offer 173 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,960 Speaker 1: that same compassion to ourselves, and we need to offer 174 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,560 Speaker 1: it to ourselves both during these big moments and through 175 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:54,880 Speaker 1: the more minute and honestly, this episode is pretty timely. 176 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 1: It's weird how the world works, and it's weird how 177 00:08:56,679 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 1: I see things and my I guess my brain is 178 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 1: focused on self passion right now because we just did 179 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,160 Speaker 1: that episode on on Monday about self compassion and and 180 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: the elements of it and how to practice it, and 181 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:12,240 Speaker 1: grieving very much involves self compassion even before we realize 182 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,960 Speaker 1: that we're grieving. We need to offer ourselves self compassion 183 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 1: so then we can actually be open to the fact 184 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 1: that we might be grieving even though a big event 185 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,200 Speaker 1: hasn't happened. So I just wanted to read that and 186 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,600 Speaker 1: talk about that and get those juices kind of flowing 187 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:28,160 Speaker 1: in y'all's brains because I think grief is something we 188 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,840 Speaker 1: reserve for these big things where we reserve it for others, 189 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 1: and it's something we all have in common. So that 190 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,440 Speaker 1: does it for me today and this episode of couch Talks. 191 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,440 Speaker 1: If you want to find me on Instagram, you can 192 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,560 Speaker 1: follow me at cat dot der Fada and at You 193 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. I will be back with you guys 194 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:50,960 Speaker 1: on Monday for a new episode. Until then, I hope 195 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,320 Speaker 1: you have the day that you need to have. By guys, 196 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:00,680 Speaker 1: took