1 00:00:00,640 --> 00:00:08,280 Speaker 1: Hi am Kate Hudson and my name is Oliver Hudson. 2 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 2: We wanted to do something that highlighted our. 3 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:19,440 Speaker 1: Relationship and what it's like to be siblings. We are 4 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: a sibling railvalry. 5 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:31,960 Speaker 3: No, no, sibling. You don't do that with your mouth, revelry. 6 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:41,960 Speaker 1: That's good. So we're back Part two. The woman who 7 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 1: changed My diapers, Goldiehn and of course Mel Robbins. Yeah, 8 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: let's keep it. Let's keep it going, guys. 9 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:53,840 Speaker 4: Because you went through a hard upbringing, you really, you 10 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 4: really did. And uh, but I wonder where that grit 11 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,240 Speaker 4: came from. Because you you worked your way out of it. 12 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:05,240 Speaker 4: You became more I would say, investigating your emotions and 13 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,200 Speaker 4: trying to figure out how to move through some of 14 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 4: these darker memories and times. But did you ever think 15 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 4: that what you were going to do was to actually 16 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,200 Speaker 4: come up with practices and ways and means that you know? 17 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,480 Speaker 1: I mean, you were were you a good lawyer? 18 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,680 Speaker 2: I was an excellent lawyer. I was a public defender. 19 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 1: You're a public defense. 20 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,600 Speaker 2: That's because I was fighting for somebody else, right. 21 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,080 Speaker 1: And do you think that this translates into what you do? 22 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 2: I think the closest thing that I have done in 23 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,600 Speaker 2: the past to what I do now. Is when I 24 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,760 Speaker 2: was a legal aid lawyer and I was assigned to 25 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,880 Speaker 2: represent people who did not pick me in a moment 26 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 2: where they had very difficult decisions to make and the 27 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,360 Speaker 2: stress was at an all time high and I might 28 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:48,720 Speaker 2: be the only person in their corner. And so, you know, 29 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 2: one thing that I will just say that that you know, 30 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 2: for me, my childhood was fine. It was in my 31 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:04,160 Speaker 2: forties when things got horrible. And oh yeah, so my childhood. 32 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 2: I grew up in the Midwest. My parents were great, 33 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:10,200 Speaker 2: Like I had a My childhood was fine. Siblings, Yeah, 34 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,600 Speaker 2: I have a younger brother. My sister in law who 35 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 2: he's married to, is my business partner. I like. So 36 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:20,079 Speaker 2: that my life started to fall apart really in my 37 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 2: thirties and forties, and it was kind of the compounding 38 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,399 Speaker 2: aspect of undiagnosed anxiety. 39 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:30,680 Speaker 1: Undiagnosed was in an emotional fall apart, you know, or 40 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:30,880 Speaker 1: was it. 41 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,240 Speaker 2: I don't think anybody ever wakes up and says, you 42 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,239 Speaker 2: know what, today, I'm going to screw up my life. 43 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:36,800 Speaker 2: I think I'm going to snort a bunch of cop 44 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,679 Speaker 2: and shoot on my spouse and drive my car and 45 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,120 Speaker 2: quit my job, say something that gets me canceled, Like 46 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:48,040 Speaker 2: nobody does that intentionally. And what happens is you start 47 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 2: to make small decisions that aren't aligned with your higher 48 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:59,200 Speaker 2: calling and who you know yourself to be, and they 49 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,840 Speaker 2: start to slow take you off. 50 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,800 Speaker 1: Did you recognize in the moment that you were making 51 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:05,360 Speaker 1: these decisions. 52 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,920 Speaker 2: At no, when you're asking for the next beer or 53 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,200 Speaker 2: you're like, no, you're spending too much money that you 54 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:10,680 Speaker 2: don't have. 55 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,080 Speaker 1: Now, I've been in those doldrums and there is a 56 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,880 Speaker 1: part of me that knows though that, oh, this is 57 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:16,960 Speaker 1: But I thank. 58 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 2: You you have more self awareness than I did. Like 59 00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:22,240 Speaker 2: I literally just was trying my best to get through 60 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,959 Speaker 2: my life and keep up with the Joneses and make 61 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,760 Speaker 2: money and you know, not hate my husband too much. 62 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 2: And I just get through it. And I found myself 63 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,240 Speaker 2: in my forties. And I'm grateful for this. I am 64 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,560 Speaker 2: so grateful that success came later. Because if you have 65 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,680 Speaker 2: an experience where your house has leans on it, you're 66 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,800 Speaker 2: eight hundred thousand dollars in debt, you cannot pay for groceries, 67 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,720 Speaker 2: you're pulling your kids out of town soccer. Your friends 68 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,560 Speaker 2: and family have invested in your husband's pizza restaurant, you're 69 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:55,360 Speaker 2: now unemployed. When you have that experience, you don't forget it. 70 00:03:55,880 --> 00:04:00,560 Speaker 2: And when you almost lose your family and your house 71 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 2: and your sanity, you don't take it for granted. And 72 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,680 Speaker 2: so all I was trying to do, honestly, Goldie, Goldie 73 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:11,200 Speaker 2: was I recognized as hard as my husband was working 74 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 2: to try to fix what was happening in our life, 75 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,320 Speaker 2: like it wasn't working. And at some point, if I 76 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 2: wanted the if I wanted to keep the house, if 77 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,640 Speaker 2: I wanted to get out of debt, if I wanted 78 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,359 Speaker 2: to feel better, I couldn't lay in bed like a 79 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,919 Speaker 2: human pot roast. I couldn't like drink myself into the ground. 80 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:32,479 Speaker 2: I had to do something. 81 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,000 Speaker 1: If you ever want to give up, I don't know 82 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,480 Speaker 1: if that I. 83 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 2: Think giving up was. I didn't want to kill myself, 84 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,280 Speaker 2: but I think what giving what giving up feels like, 85 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 2: is you give up all day long. If you wake 86 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,760 Speaker 2: up in the morning, the first thing that you feel 87 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 2: is dread and you hit the snooze button, you just 88 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,440 Speaker 2: gave up. If you hit it again, you give up again. 89 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,800 Speaker 2: You hit it again, you give up again. If you 90 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 2: grab the donut instead, of making yourself some eggs. You've 91 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,440 Speaker 2: kind of given up a little bit. And I'm not 92 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,000 Speaker 2: saying there's not a lot of compl caterd things go 93 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,720 Speaker 2: into those types of decisions. 94 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:08,359 Speaker 4: Dont the other day you dont? 95 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,200 Speaker 2: I mean I eat donuts all the time. But what 96 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,520 Speaker 2: oh hell, yes, you were absolutely. 97 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,839 Speaker 1: And that was there was a numbing effect that you want. 98 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 2: To know how bad things got. This is how you 99 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,680 Speaker 2: know you're failing at parenting. When the kids go to bed, 100 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 2: you start drinking Manhattan. It's like four or five of them. 101 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,760 Speaker 2: And then the next thing you remember is when you 102 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 2: wake up in a chair in the living room because 103 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 2: your three kids have missed the bus and they're making 104 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,400 Speaker 2: you up. That's how you know you're failing. 105 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,480 Speaker 1: This parenting thah And so. 106 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 2: That was happening. Yeah, And what you know, and this 107 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,440 Speaker 2: is the thing that I talk about a lot because 108 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,120 Speaker 2: I experienced it, is you can know what to do, 109 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,800 Speaker 2: but how do you make yourself do it? That's the 110 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:57,760 Speaker 2: fifte That's it right there, that's right there. I knew 111 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,400 Speaker 2: I needed a job. I knew I needed to stop screaming, Chris. 112 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 2: I knew I needed to stop yelling at the kids. 113 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,960 Speaker 2: I knew I needed to tell my parents what was happening. 114 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,560 Speaker 2: I knew I needed to open the bills that had 115 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,680 Speaker 2: been piling up for six months. I couldn't do it. 116 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 2: And what all the psychologists in researching the various books 117 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,359 Speaker 2: I've written, and now I feel confirmed by my own experience, 118 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,440 Speaker 2: and you, of course know this, is that there is 119 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:26,599 Speaker 2: a tremendous relationship between pain and the will to change. 120 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 2: And it's a fantasy to think that most of us 121 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 2: are positively motivated to change. The human brain, because of 122 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:39,520 Speaker 2: the negativity bias, is actually wired to default towards what's easy. 123 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:45,479 Speaker 2: Now you have to make a conscious, intentional decision to 124 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,279 Speaker 2: force yourself to do things that feel hard if you 125 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,600 Speaker 2: want to change. And for most of us, I am 126 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:56,000 Speaker 2: very negatively motivated. So I'm stubborn, like it took a 127 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,000 Speaker 2: lot of pain for me to get to a point 128 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 2: where I'm like, well, drinking myself into a ground, destroying 129 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:05,119 Speaker 2: my marriage, not paying bills, feeling this level of shame. 130 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 2: Sitting here is now harder than getting out of bed. 131 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:10,800 Speaker 1: I can relate to that. 132 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:15,720 Speaker 2: And so understanding that you can either let your life 133 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 2: get worse before it gets better, because it's going to 134 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:25,360 Speaker 2: it's going to get worse. Or you can decide that 135 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 2: where you're at is no longer where you want to be, 136 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 2: and you can recognize your never motivation is complete better garbage. 137 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,640 Speaker 2: You're never going to feel like doing what you need 138 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 2: to do. You have to force yourself to do it. 139 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 2: That's the skills. 140 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,280 Speaker 1: You have a lot of stop and starts. 141 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 2: Always every day. 142 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: I'm speaking of my own experience. Boom, I'm fucking on it. 143 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,880 Speaker 1: I'm not going to drink anymore. I'm going to be healthy, 144 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,880 Speaker 1: I'm going to get my life together and bang, it's great. 145 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,000 Speaker 1: Three weeks and then oh no, what happened? Here? I 146 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:52,559 Speaker 1: am again. 147 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,840 Speaker 2: Yes, you listen to how you felt instead of focusing 148 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 2: on what you need to do right and. 149 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 1: So what point do that was that true inflection point? 150 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,640 Speaker 1: It was just like, okay, here we are, I am 151 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,760 Speaker 1: moving on to the next part of my life. 152 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,920 Speaker 2: So I think you change your life with one decision. 153 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 2: The results the results of that decision show up over time. 154 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,960 Speaker 2: There's a big difference between the will and the desire 155 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 2: to change, which begins with a singular decision, and the 156 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 2: results that show up because you keep showing up and 157 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,080 Speaker 2: it is always fits and starts. It is a myth 158 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,360 Speaker 2: that you will be perfect like a robot. In fact, 159 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 2: the Strava is this great fitness app and name on it. Well, 160 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,240 Speaker 2: they've crunched all the data and there's actually a day 161 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:37,080 Speaker 2: that is called quitter's day based on million, hundreds of 162 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,840 Speaker 2: millions of pieces of data. Yeah, day nineteen is the 163 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,800 Speaker 2: average day when people quit. And the reason why is 164 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:48,560 Speaker 2: because you have forced yourself to start something new. You 165 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 2: have recognized that it's going to be challenging, and you've 166 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:54,680 Speaker 2: pushed yourself through it. But by day nineteen it's now 167 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 2: grueling and boring and you don't see the results yet. 168 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,600 Speaker 2: And that's when most people are getting a dope reaction 169 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:04,080 Speaker 2: correct and that's when most people give up, is right 170 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,560 Speaker 2: around day nineteen. And what I love, though, is this 171 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 2: piece of research because a lot of us we are 172 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:13,960 Speaker 2: always going to go and fits and starts. That's just 173 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,880 Speaker 2: how it goes. And so I want you to think 174 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:19,719 Speaker 2: about change, like climbing a staircase with landings. When you 175 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,400 Speaker 2: go up a flight of stairs, if you get to 176 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:25,440 Speaker 2: a landing, you're still up that flight of stairs. The 177 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,320 Speaker 2: landing is just a plateau. And most of us think 178 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 2: that we failed. No, no, no, it's just a plateau. You 179 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,800 Speaker 2: still keep the game when you go up the next 180 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,920 Speaker 2: flight and push yourself again after not going to the 181 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,560 Speaker 2: gym for the week. You didn't lose that flight. You 182 00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 2: already climbed. And it's a mistake to think you're going 183 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,600 Speaker 2: back to zero because you're not giving yourself the credit 184 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,199 Speaker 2: for how far you've come. 185 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:50,680 Speaker 1: Yes. 186 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:56,440 Speaker 4: Also, there's an idea that once you get excited about 187 00:09:56,440 --> 00:10:00,200 Speaker 4: what you're doing right, it's like playing a piano. You 188 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,240 Speaker 4: love your first lessons, they're really terrific. Yeah, but you 189 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,720 Speaker 4: can't learn to play the piano in a day or 190 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 4: a month or even six months. You have to stay 191 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:13,640 Speaker 4: practicing all the time in order for that to happen. 192 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 4: And it's the same thing with behavior. It's the same 193 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 4: thing with creating more habitual behavior in your brain. So 194 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,680 Speaker 4: we have to realize and be patient with ourselves to 195 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,760 Speaker 4: know And that's what that's I love that analogy. That's 196 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 4: the landing. Yeah, it's that landing is a place for incubation. 197 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:32,959 Speaker 2: Well, you know, one of the things that I think 198 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,599 Speaker 2: a lot about is you mentioned grit and I recently 199 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:40,200 Speaker 2: sat down with Professor Angela Duckworth who wrote that big 200 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:44,800 Speaker 2: book about grit. And I was floored because I never 201 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:49,200 Speaker 2: knew this that when she studied grit, that there is 202 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,720 Speaker 2: four requirements in order for somebody to demonstrate grit. And 203 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:57,800 Speaker 2: there's one particular requirement that nobody talks about, and that's 204 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,880 Speaker 2: that you actually like and want to be good at 205 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 2: the thing. It is impossible, I think, to be really 206 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 2: good at something that you don't really like. But you 207 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,840 Speaker 2: can teach yourself, just like I've taught myself how to 208 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 2: unload the dishwasher. I don't like doing it, but I 209 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:16,640 Speaker 2: make myself do. 210 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 1: It, right. 211 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,000 Speaker 2: I don't like folding on, but I make myself do it. 212 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:21,440 Speaker 1: Yeah. 213 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, And when it wash dishes, which I do, monte 214 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 2: me too. And I'd rather wash the clothes than fold them. 215 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:27,959 Speaker 2: I don't know what that is. 216 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,439 Speaker 1: But what is it but that moment, I mean, now 217 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,800 Speaker 1: you're in your forties and then bang, oh, what happened? 218 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:35,560 Speaker 1: What happened? 219 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:38,520 Speaker 2: I was wasted on bourbon and I was having a 220 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:40,600 Speaker 2: pep talk with myself. I don't know if you've ever 221 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 2: you probably have. Yeah, when you're speaking out well loud, yeah, 222 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,120 Speaker 2: Like it's one thing if you're giving a friend advice I. 223 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:49,640 Speaker 1: Have screamed at myself in the mirror. Get it together, 224 00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: all of it, get it together. 225 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,560 Speaker 2: Yes, okay. So I was doing that and I was 226 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:58,000 Speaker 2: watching TV. It was February two thousand and eight, and 227 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:01,960 Speaker 2: it was like, that's it woman. Tomorrow, Tomorrow, it's the 228 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,920 Speaker 2: new yub. Tomorrow, we're going to get a job. You're 229 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:07,079 Speaker 2: gonna be nice to Chris, You're going to stop drinking. 230 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 2: And tomorrow when that alarm rings, you are not going 231 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,600 Speaker 2: to lay there like a human pop roast. You are 232 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,199 Speaker 2: going to get out of bed and get those kids 233 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:19,480 Speaker 2: on that bus. And honest to God, at that exact moment, 234 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 2: a rocket ship blasted across the TV screen at the 235 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,880 Speaker 2: end of a commercial, and I was so drunk. I 236 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 2: was like, it's a side for God. I hear you. 237 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,640 Speaker 2: I'll launch myself out of bed like a rocket. It 238 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,000 Speaker 2: was honestly, probably the bourbon and divine intervenes little together 239 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:42,640 Speaker 2: in one gigantic life changing cocktail. But here's the thing, everybody, 240 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:48,400 Speaker 2: I believe that you are designed to thrive and grow 241 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,200 Speaker 2: and be happy, and even when you're miserable and stuck, 242 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,000 Speaker 2: there are so many glimmers and signs all around you 243 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,839 Speaker 2: to pay attention, and that was. 244 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: My Ah, do you believe in signs? Of course, I 245 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:13,720 Speaker 1: am metaphysicality. 246 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,200 Speaker 2: I am an expert manifestor. I train my brain to 247 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,080 Speaker 2: work for me. I look for signs all day long. 248 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:25,640 Speaker 2: I believe that the let Them theory success, and just 249 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:29,360 Speaker 2: the jaw dropping success of my podcast and the let 250 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,640 Speaker 2: Them theory, the timing of when this book came out. 251 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:38,280 Speaker 2: It cannot be explained by anything other than hard work 252 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 2: meets the universe guiding this as part of the counter 253 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 2: programming to the negativity and the collective illusion of division 254 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 2: that we see in the headlines, And that in any 255 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,480 Speaker 2: moment in history when there is a rise of darkness, 256 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 2: there is a corresponding rise in light. And I feel 257 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,280 Speaker 2: deeply connected to that. I do not feel that it 258 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:05,559 Speaker 2: is me. I feel very much in service of something 259 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 2: for way bigger than a human being. It is absolutely absolutely. 260 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 4: I love hearing that, and I relate. 261 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,720 Speaker 2: I really believe that. And I know you do. I 262 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,120 Speaker 2: know you do. I mean, what is it that drives us? 263 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:19,360 Speaker 1: You know? 264 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,280 Speaker 4: It isn't necessarily tangible. 265 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 2: It's just a pull. 266 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:28,040 Speaker 4: It feels like a spiritual pull of some kind. That said, 267 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 4: if I'm going to if that is my thing, and 268 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,320 Speaker 4: I'm going to be used to do this and I 269 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:36,280 Speaker 4: make sense and people I'm feeling better. It's not about me, 270 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:37,800 Speaker 4: it's about them. 271 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:39,720 Speaker 2: Yes, And that's what I'm. 272 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,800 Speaker 4: Loving about your being about your all things that you're doing, 273 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,640 Speaker 4: all the care that you're giving, and all the enthusiasm 274 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:51,000 Speaker 4: around how you are participating, not just in your life 275 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:51,880 Speaker 4: but in there. 276 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,360 Speaker 1: Does success scare you at all? 277 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 2: No, because I know what matters to me. Like you've 278 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,280 Speaker 2: never seen a hearse pull on a you all like 279 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,400 Speaker 2: you're not going to take anything with you, but you're 280 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,800 Speaker 2: going to leave something important in how you lived your 281 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,320 Speaker 2: life while you're doing it. 282 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,880 Speaker 4: It is an incredible sense of not just belonging. And 283 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,920 Speaker 4: I will say purpose because that purpose is one of 284 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,520 Speaker 4: the areas that some people don't feel they have any purpose. 285 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,040 Speaker 4: That's not a good feeling. 286 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 2: But here's your purpose. The purpose, Your purpose is you. 287 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,840 Speaker 2: If you don't know what to focus on, make being 288 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 2: a better version of yourself your single biggest project. Because 289 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,320 Speaker 2: change does not come from the top, No change comes 290 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:37,520 Speaker 2: from within. And when you become just just a little 291 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,960 Speaker 2: bit happy, a little bit better, a little bit more positive, 292 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:42,960 Speaker 2: you feel a little bit more hopeful you take a 293 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 2: little bit better care of yourself. It ripples through your family. 294 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:54,400 Speaker 1: I'm sure you make yourself better. That's it. That's it. 295 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,480 Speaker 2: And it literally like, do not be gas lit into 296 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:01,000 Speaker 2: believing you have no power. You are powerful beyond your 297 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:05,120 Speaker 2: wildest imaginations, as long as you stop giving your power 298 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,480 Speaker 2: away to other people into the headlines you said, the 299 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 2: turn off the news, put down your phone. 300 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,320 Speaker 1: I also think you have to give yourself grace because 301 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: I think a lot of us don't work very hard 302 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 1: on ourselves because these are powerful words. They're inspiring, and 303 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,600 Speaker 1: you get emboldened to go out there and do it, 304 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,080 Speaker 1: and you make a five steps forward, and then you're 305 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 1: going to fall. And then sometimes we get hard on ourselves, like, 306 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,640 Speaker 1: oh fuck, that's it. I give it a shot. I 307 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,400 Speaker 1: can't have to give ourselves some grace. 308 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,080 Speaker 2: Gave yourself the grace the moment you fall, because the 309 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 2: real skill isn't starting, it's that on when you have 310 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,480 Speaker 2: a few days or weeks or months or a year 311 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:47,440 Speaker 2: where you don't do what you want or need to do, 312 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,200 Speaker 2: give yourself grace to then pick yourself back up. 313 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,640 Speaker 4: Exactly one of the things I said to why he 314 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,160 Speaker 4: was playing hockey and he was had a concussion. I 315 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 4: went there obviously made him breakfast, unch and dinner and 316 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,960 Speaker 4: how to chef also if I'm not just kid, but 317 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,440 Speaker 4: I went there and then we had breakfast the next 318 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 4: day and you know, I said, Tim, you know life, 319 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,359 Speaker 4: really we're going to fall down and he's a goaltender. 320 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,920 Speaker 4: We're going to get knocked down. That's what life is. 321 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,840 Speaker 4: It's not that simple. However, the mark of the man 322 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,000 Speaker 4: truly is how fast you get up. And it's like you, 323 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,119 Speaker 4: if you're defending the goal, you got to get up fast, dude. 324 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,240 Speaker 4: And that's really the way we are. That that is 325 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,480 Speaker 4: a part of grit. That is a part of saying 326 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:34,120 Speaker 4: I can. That also says I can defend this goal. 327 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,760 Speaker 4: I can do that. And once you fall and it 328 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,520 Speaker 4: doesn't work, you're going to say I'm getting up again, 329 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,879 Speaker 4: and I'm starting all over. And and that is so 330 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:47,720 Speaker 4: true because the whole idea of falling down, being knocked 331 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,560 Speaker 4: down doesn't mean your life is over. It means that 332 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,680 Speaker 4: you have the capability of get up, man, get right up, 333 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,120 Speaker 4: because you're going to you'll win at the game of life. 334 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 2: Well, you're actually designed to, like if they can't remember 335 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,719 Speaker 2: what the research is. But when a baby is learning 336 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,400 Speaker 2: to walk, they fall an average of seventeen times an hour, 337 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,680 Speaker 2: and no baby, because they don't have language yet when 338 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,840 Speaker 2: they fall, lays there and goes, well, that's it, I'm 339 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:17,400 Speaker 2: screwed the money, Never walk again, glad. We develop language, 340 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,680 Speaker 2: and we become self critical, and we develop a narrative 341 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 2: that keeps us from getting up. And that's not to 342 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,720 Speaker 2: say there's something wrong if you're there. It's to say 343 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:32,160 Speaker 2: that if your brain learned to do that, your brain 344 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,680 Speaker 2: can actually learn how to tell you to get up again. 345 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,159 Speaker 2: And it's designed to how many kids you have, three, 346 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,360 Speaker 2: twenty six, five and twenty Okay. 347 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,400 Speaker 1: So growing up, when they're growing up, when you were 348 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:43,400 Speaker 1: in when you were in your. 349 00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:46,200 Speaker 2: Bad and my peak dysfunction, right, yes, Like, first of all. 350 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,080 Speaker 1: How was that being a parent? 351 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 2: Horrible? 352 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 1: Yeah? Horrible? And were they did they recognize that? Mom? 353 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,360 Speaker 2: You know they didn't really they didn't, Like we didn't 354 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,040 Speaker 2: start the heavy drinking until they were in bed. We 355 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:57,360 Speaker 2: at least had some boundaries. 356 00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,520 Speaker 1: And then on the other. 357 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:01,639 Speaker 2: Side of it, weren't yellers or that kind of stuff, 358 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,080 Speaker 2: like I yelled at Chris, but not I didn't I 359 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 2: mean I would event I would like all parents snap occasionally, 360 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:09,080 Speaker 2: but now and. 361 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,919 Speaker 1: Then with the on the other side of that, with 362 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,520 Speaker 1: you being who you are right now and just this 363 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,600 Speaker 1: vast not so much knowledge which I want to get 364 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:17,480 Speaker 1: into for two seconds. 365 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,919 Speaker 2: Times I'll learned the hard way by rocking everything up. 366 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,160 Speaker 1: That's right. But are you just so well read? Because 367 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,240 Speaker 1: once you left this old life essentially and not that 368 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,919 Speaker 1: they don't combine, but sort of moved into the next phase. 369 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,320 Speaker 1: Were you just learning through reading and researching and studying 370 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 1: and having people on and having conversations, you know? Were 371 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,000 Speaker 1: you a voracious sort of kind. 372 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:42,639 Speaker 2: Of a voracious intellect. Yeah, I have a massive brain 373 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:46,399 Speaker 2: and I didn't realize how much of an engine it was. 374 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:51,200 Speaker 2: Like my superpower is to take the complex and distill 375 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:56,080 Speaker 2: it down into a singular thing that's relevant to somebody 376 00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:58,920 Speaker 2: who is just trying to do a little better. 377 00:19:58,960 --> 00:19:59,600 Speaker 1: You're so right. 378 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 2: It's that's what I do. 379 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:04,600 Speaker 1: When I listen to you. You're you're so engaged. 380 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 2: And because I've been listening for how is this relevant 381 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:07,240 Speaker 2: to you? 382 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,800 Speaker 1: Are? Because there's a million podcasts out there. Look, you know, 383 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,520 Speaker 1: theories are theories, and people say this, and there's there's 384 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:16,040 Speaker 1: cognitive therapy, all of it. But there's something about you. 385 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,360 Speaker 2: I know what I'm doing very fucking engaged. 386 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:27,119 Speaker 1: Yes, it's your trustworthy and you are also listening authentically, 387 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,800 Speaker 1: you know. I mean I think that for me feels 388 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:34,119 Speaker 1: like you're superpowered. To me, it's like, wow, she's right there. 389 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,320 Speaker 2: Thank you for reflecting that back to me. It's it's 390 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,800 Speaker 2: about And You've used this word a number of times. 391 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:45,480 Speaker 2: I'm an extremely intentional person and I'm very much driven 392 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:50,080 Speaker 2: by mission and values. And if somebody is if somebody 393 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,040 Speaker 2: somewhere around the world who has no time, by the way, 394 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,479 Speaker 2: because they're working, they're caring for aging parents, they've got 395 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,159 Speaker 2: little kids, they're running around, they got bills to pay. 396 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,959 Speaker 2: So if you take a person like that who just 397 00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:04,400 Speaker 2: wants to do a little better and feel a little better, 398 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,239 Speaker 2: and they're going to make time that they don't have 399 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,720 Speaker 2: and they're going to spend it with me, you better 400 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 2: believe I'm going to do everything I possibly can to 401 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,200 Speaker 2: make the time that they spend of value for them. 402 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,240 Speaker 2: And so when I sit in the chair on my podcast, 403 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:24,280 Speaker 2: I have that one person in mind and listen. I 404 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:26,719 Speaker 2: know as much as the experts about the topic, because 405 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,840 Speaker 2: I have read every single page of their book. I 406 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,760 Speaker 2: have poured over the research. We spend probably thirty to 407 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,960 Speaker 2: forty hours we do pre interviews. We then spend two 408 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,119 Speaker 2: to three hours with every expert. We then spend another 409 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:45,440 Speaker 2: fifty hours in post to make sure that if you're 410 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 2: going to spend an hour listening to the Mel Robins podcast, 411 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:52,320 Speaker 2: you felt different, you felt better, you felt hopeful, and 412 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,919 Speaker 2: it was valuable information either for you or that it 413 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,879 Speaker 2: was a free resource to send to somebody else. And 414 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 2: the fact that we can all for that for free 415 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,200 Speaker 2: because of our that's incredible. 416 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 1: And so it's awesome. 417 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,400 Speaker 2: I know my role there. And back to that thing 418 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:14,719 Speaker 2: about success. You know, I am blown away by the 419 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:21,200 Speaker 2: success of the podcast and the just jaw dropping success 420 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:25,159 Speaker 2: of the let Them theory because it gives me hope. 421 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,919 Speaker 1: Isn't it amazing? Because it's so it's just so simple. 422 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:32,840 Speaker 1: It's a complexity, absolutely, but you know, and and it 423 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:35,000 Speaker 1: came from a place of inspiration. 424 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:41,440 Speaker 2: Well, it came from a place of I've always been 425 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,920 Speaker 2: frustrated with my people pleasing and the friction I cause 426 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,439 Speaker 2: in relationships and the jealousy that I feel and the 427 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:53,040 Speaker 2: ways that I've held myself back because I feel like 428 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:55,320 Speaker 2: if somebody else has it, then I can't have it, 429 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:58,520 Speaker 2: like a very limited point of view, and so in 430 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:04,320 Speaker 2: trying to work through those limitations, that's why the book 431 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 2: is what it is. I'm the villain, like I'm work 432 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:10,240 Speaker 2: like all those stories are real, they're they're the things 433 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,640 Speaker 2: I'm not proud to admit that I was feeling or experiencing, 434 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,640 Speaker 2: and this theory profoundly changed me from the inside out. 435 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,080 Speaker 2: But what I love about all this is it's a sign, 436 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:25,720 Speaker 2: despite the headlines, that people want more meaning, they want 437 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:30,480 Speaker 2: more connection. We are seeking ways to simplify our lives 438 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,600 Speaker 2: because we have so over optimized for productivity and profit 439 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:38,240 Speaker 2: making that we've lost touch with what actually gives you 440 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:42,119 Speaker 2: meaning as a human being. And so I feel hopeful 441 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:46,199 Speaker 2: that people are turning towards messages like your podcast and 442 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,480 Speaker 2: mine to find a sense of power in your foundation 443 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:53,800 Speaker 2: work and nonprofit. That people are wanting and knowing something's 444 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:57,119 Speaker 2: deeply wrong, and yet there are things I can do 445 00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:01,800 Speaker 2: to make it better, because there are, But I am 446 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,240 Speaker 2: grateful that you know it's happened when I'm fifty seven, 447 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,760 Speaker 2: Like I live on a mountain in Vermont, yeah, I don't. 448 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:10,240 Speaker 2: I don't see like I am so clear that I 449 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 2: just want to spend more time with my husband, Chris. 450 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:14,919 Speaker 2: I want to make sure my kids still talk to me, 451 00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:16,040 Speaker 2: you know, and we have a good. 452 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,160 Speaker 1: Always like mom, Okay, I know I've read the book. 453 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:19,639 Speaker 1: I don't know. 454 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:22,520 Speaker 2: I don't give them advice never, No, that's the worst 455 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:25,639 Speaker 2: thing to do. Like I literally my phrase as a 456 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,760 Speaker 2: parent is always do you want me to listen? 457 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:29,080 Speaker 1: Yeah? 458 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,040 Speaker 2: Or do you like to know what I think? And 459 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,280 Speaker 2: they always I just want you to listen. And so 460 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,359 Speaker 2: I know my role as a wife and a friend 461 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,879 Speaker 2: and as a mom as a daughter as I know 462 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:42,959 Speaker 2: what my role is there and it is not what 463 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:46,720 Speaker 2: I do for work. If I were work mell in 464 00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:50,440 Speaker 2: my life, I would probably be divorced and my kids 465 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:51,000 Speaker 2: would hate me. 466 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,000 Speaker 1: Right Oh god, yes. 467 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:53,520 Speaker 4: Oh I know. 468 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,160 Speaker 1: All right. Last thing? What are your what are your 469 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,200 Speaker 1: hang ups? You know what I mean? What is Mel's issue? 470 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,200 Speaker 1: What are male's issues? Like? What do you work on? 471 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,840 Speaker 1: I mean? Do you still have things? We all do? 472 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,000 Speaker 1: But are there things about you that you just need 473 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:21,399 Speaker 1: to shift and change? And or do you feel pretty complete? Not? Not? 474 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,600 Speaker 1: They will always be complete, you know. 475 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:30,399 Speaker 2: I It's a great question. I I definitely am always 476 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:33,639 Speaker 2: going to work on emotional reactivity. Like obviously, emotions or 477 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:38,080 Speaker 2: chemical explosions good right, that happen, and if you don't 478 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,919 Speaker 2: respond to them, they tend to rise and fall in 479 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,920 Speaker 2: ninety seconds. But I've kind of gotten to a point 480 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,760 Speaker 2: I've done enough emdr and psychedelic therapies and all that 481 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,280 Speaker 2: kind of done psychedelic therapy we've actually done as a family. 482 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:54,360 Speaker 2: We've had two therapists do guided MDMA therapy as a family. 483 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 2: And how was that life changing? 484 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:57,320 Speaker 1: It was life. 485 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:02,320 Speaker 2: Changing, Absolutely, one of the most storder and Chris's eighty 486 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:06,000 Speaker 2: six year old mother was with us. It is the 487 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:10,680 Speaker 2: most life changing experience. But again we used the MAPS protocol, 488 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:15,639 Speaker 2: we had two guides, therapists, a whole integration thing. You 489 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,200 Speaker 2: know that last weeks afterwards, we're gonna do it again 490 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,600 Speaker 2: this year before Thanksgiving. 491 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,399 Speaker 1: And you've done a bunch of research on it. 492 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:28,439 Speaker 2: Oh, absolutely absolutely, And so I you know, for me, 493 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:34,040 Speaker 2: I think that it's just not allowing stupid shit to 494 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,159 Speaker 2: hijack my emotions. And what I've come to learn is 495 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,679 Speaker 2: that I'm self aware enough and I'm committed enough to 496 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:46,399 Speaker 2: being peaceful and to holding space of acceptance and compassion 497 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 2: for myself and others that if I am a real bitch, 498 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:54,840 Speaker 2: I typically need a sandwich or a nap, Like there's 499 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 2: like you know, there's the system is running on empty 500 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:03,199 Speaker 2: because I've really changed like the person that I was 501 00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:08,520 Speaker 2: at fifty four when I first started creating this theory 502 00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,880 Speaker 2: and building the case for it, I mean, completely different 503 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:15,520 Speaker 2: human being three years later because of let them as 504 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:18,160 Speaker 2: a boundary between you and other people in the world. 505 00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:20,920 Speaker 2: It's a big one, and it helps you protect yourself, 506 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,199 Speaker 2: and it helps you understand what's worth holding space up 507 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,040 Speaker 2: here and what's worth allowing you to impact here. And 508 00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,439 Speaker 2: then let me part is where you do all the 509 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:32,240 Speaker 2: work you talk about, Goldie, which is you get to 510 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,760 Speaker 2: choose like this is how you take responsibility for your life, 511 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,480 Speaker 2: and responsibility if you look at that word, it's just 512 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:41,720 Speaker 2: the ability to respond, to respond to what's happening around you, 513 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:47,080 Speaker 2: to respond to other people's moods and expectations and opinions, 514 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 2: and to choose consciously and intentionally to use your word. 515 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:56,320 Speaker 4: Again, Yes, it's an interesting, longer discussion, but we're really 516 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:57,640 Speaker 4: being challenged on. 517 00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:58,280 Speaker 2: That level right now. 518 00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:02,080 Speaker 4: Yes, we are it's very very people are inflamed. It's 519 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:05,600 Speaker 4: hard for them to grapple with their high level emotions 520 00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:09,840 Speaker 4: around the polarity about what's really going on. Perception people 521 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:14,000 Speaker 4: have both different it all. There's a reason for it. 522 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:16,960 Speaker 4: But I've never seen anything like this in my life, 523 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:22,320 Speaker 4: and it is really debilitating. It's breaking people up, it's 524 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:25,600 Speaker 4: losing friends. Yeah, there's a lot of things that are 525 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:29,720 Speaker 4: basically happening because we can't let them. 526 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,119 Speaker 2: It's so true. You know, you guys should have on 527 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:36,040 Speaker 2: Doctor Todd Rose. He's one of the most important guests 528 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 2: that I've had on the podcast Doctor Todd Rose. Todd 529 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:44,200 Speaker 2: he was a professor at the Harvard Graduate School of 530 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:49,520 Speaker 2: Education and then left to start a non partisan think ting. 531 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:53,680 Speaker 2: He has the world's largest private data set of what 532 00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:57,680 Speaker 2: people believe, and what he does in his research is 533 00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:59,240 Speaker 2: he'll give you a list of I'll give you an 534 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,640 Speaker 2: example the research. She'll give you sixty criteria and he 535 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,560 Speaker 2: will ask you to go into a room privately and say, okay, 536 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,560 Speaker 2: you two, I want you to rank what you privately 537 00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,960 Speaker 2: believes living a successful life means, and you have to 538 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:14,560 Speaker 2: rank them in order. So it's not like it's this 539 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:18,120 Speaker 2: or that rank them one to sixty, so you rank 540 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,800 Speaker 2: them all. He's done this with I don't know, tens 541 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:24,920 Speaker 2: of thousands of people, all different backgrounds, politically, spirituality, age, everything. 542 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,120 Speaker 2: Do you know when you rank it privately. Of the 543 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:32,160 Speaker 2: top ten things that people privately say this means a 544 00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:36,360 Speaker 2: successful life, eight are exactly the same. And then number 545 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:41,120 Speaker 2: one criteria that people privately say means a successful life 546 00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:43,720 Speaker 2: is I have spent my life doing something that's meaningful 547 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 2: that makes a difference from other people. Now, when you 548 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:51,440 Speaker 2: then ask each of you to take the same sixty 549 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 2: and go, okay, how do you think other people would 550 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:02,440 Speaker 2: rank this and define success? Number one is money, status, 551 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:06,240 Speaker 2: like all of it, none of which hits in the 552 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,080 Speaker 2: top ten for most people out And his work is 553 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:11,560 Speaker 2: all about the fact that we are living in this 554 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:16,640 Speaker 2: collective illusion where the loudest voices, so ten eighty to 555 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:18,680 Speaker 2: ninety percent of the content you see online is from 556 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 2: ten percent of the accounts that the loudest and most 557 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 2: extreme voices are now dominating the public discourse. And the 558 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:31,040 Speaker 2: problem is the eighty to ninety percent of us are 559 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:35,160 Speaker 2: self silencing. And when you self silence, your self silencing 560 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:40,000 Speaker 2: because you actually believe that a majority of people agree 561 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:43,680 Speaker 2: with this worship that you see happening in the news, 562 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,240 Speaker 2: when the truth is and he has the research to 563 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:50,840 Speaker 2: prove it, eighty to ninety percent of people want the 564 00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,920 Speaker 2: same things. Yeah, we may disagree on policy, but I 565 00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:56,560 Speaker 2: remember a time a decade ago where people actually worked together. 566 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:00,920 Speaker 2: But something has happened in in terms of the way 567 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:04,000 Speaker 2: that the media has been attacked and social media has 568 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:07,640 Speaker 2: been hijacked and bots have come in. One out of 569 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:10,600 Speaker 2: every four interactions you have online on social media is 570 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:13,960 Speaker 2: with a bot, not a human being, and people don't 571 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:17,600 Speaker 2: know this. Therefore we self silence, and there's a lot 572 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:21,400 Speaker 2: of hope because the hope comes from and he's got 573 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:25,120 Speaker 2: a lot of historical examples in the data. The second 574 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:29,280 Speaker 2: that people start going this doesn't make sense, this doesn't 575 00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:33,280 Speaker 2: feel right, you start actually finding the courage to be authentic, 576 00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:38,040 Speaker 2: the whole illusion shatters. Just like the emperor with no clothes. 577 00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:40,560 Speaker 2: Nobody wants to say anything because it's the emperor, and 578 00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:44,760 Speaker 2: you know the emperor is cantankerous and mentally ill and 579 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:49,360 Speaker 2: narcissistic and out for profit and power and so insecure. 580 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:55,960 Speaker 2: But the second somebody goes this just you're naked, the 581 00:31:56,000 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 2: whole thing falls apart. And so I do feel very 582 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:03,320 Speaker 2: hopeful because of the historical examples. And it's not going 583 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:06,479 Speaker 2: to happen from top, it happens from within it. We 584 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:10,200 Speaker 2: all have a role to exactly. So let them say 585 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,320 Speaker 2: what they're going to say and focus on the Let 586 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,920 Speaker 2: me part. Let me show up in my life in 587 00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:19,600 Speaker 2: a way where I feel authentic, where I am expressing 588 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,000 Speaker 2: myself and my beliefs, where I am living in a 589 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,960 Speaker 2: way where I'm aligned with my values and my sense 590 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:28,400 Speaker 2: of character. And if I do that, trust you give 591 00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:30,360 Speaker 2: other people permission. I know that it's. 592 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:33,479 Speaker 4: Really it is as to speak. Engagement did so, well, 593 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:36,280 Speaker 4: how do you not lose yourself? You know, after all 594 00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:38,280 Speaker 4: the world, the work that you've done, and the time 595 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:40,960 Speaker 4: you put in and everything that's happened with you. And 596 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:47,480 Speaker 4: I said, well, if you know yourself, you won't lose yourself. Yes, 597 00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:50,800 Speaker 4: And I think the idea of how can we learn 598 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:55,840 Speaker 4: more and be open and fair to ourselves as to 599 00:32:56,120 --> 00:33:00,200 Speaker 4: who we are and how we want to become one 600 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:04,000 Speaker 4: that we have? Oh, I like myself, I have integrity, 601 00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,600 Speaker 4: you like being you? And we can work at that. 602 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:10,200 Speaker 2: Yes we can. It's just beautiful. I think that's why 603 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,480 Speaker 2: I let them is so powerful because it teaches you 604 00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:15,840 Speaker 2: how to stop giving so much time and energy and 605 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:18,840 Speaker 2: power to other people. Well, it teaches you to stop 606 00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:23,360 Speaker 2: looking out there for the actual validation that you need, 607 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,400 Speaker 2: which needs to come from yourself exactly. 608 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:27,880 Speaker 4: And one other's little thing that I had, which is 609 00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:32,480 Speaker 4: when I started the program, I was teaching brain science 610 00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:35,880 Speaker 4: because why we asked them to learn when they don't 611 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,560 Speaker 4: know what they have, what tool they have. So it 612 00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:40,880 Speaker 4: was a way out there idea. It was like crazy 613 00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:44,400 Speaker 4: disturbance whatever. And people said to me, you will never 614 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:47,760 Speaker 4: ever teach the brain and you will not get meditation 615 00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:51,720 Speaker 4: in the classroom. And my answer, watch. 616 00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:54,120 Speaker 2: Me, you did it. 617 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:57,600 Speaker 4: My point is is like I knew what what I 618 00:33:57,640 --> 00:34:00,480 Speaker 4: could do. I knew the research, I knew the things. 619 00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:03,800 Speaker 4: So anybody can say whatever they want, yes, let them 620 00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:04,680 Speaker 4: let them. 621 00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:11,839 Speaker 1: Right there, beautiful, And mom, what I took from all 622 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:13,480 Speaker 1: of this is we're doing M D M A as 623 00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:13,960 Speaker 1: a family. 624 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:17,640 Speaker 2: You have to yes, now, it is the most extraordinary experience, 625 00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:20,799 Speaker 2: right but because you know what I like about it. Now, 626 00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:23,719 Speaker 2: what I like about it, you guys, is that it 627 00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:27,959 Speaker 2: suspends the amigdala. So you can, like you literally set 628 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:32,680 Speaker 2: the intention and you revisit things in your life. But 629 00:34:32,719 --> 00:34:36,520 Speaker 2: what I love about it is that this you know, 630 00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:38,920 Speaker 2: you have your eyemask on, the music's the guy. The 631 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:42,680 Speaker 2: second you do this, you're out of it. Like if 632 00:34:42,719 --> 00:34:44,160 Speaker 2: you have to go to the bathroom, you feel it 633 00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:46,000 Speaker 2: and then you're like, oh my god, where the I 634 00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:47,680 Speaker 2: gotta go to the bathroom and get back in it. 635 00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:50,759 Speaker 2: And so you don't like, I have no interest in 636 00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:53,239 Speaker 2: doing a drug like ayahuasca where I'm gonna puke and 637 00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:55,719 Speaker 2: purge and all the shout these strangers. So I can learn, 638 00:34:55,719 --> 00:35:01,120 Speaker 2: I can rely on myself. Yeah, I the things that 639 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:06,760 Speaker 2: have been studied in clinical settings and that have this extraordin. 640 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:09,839 Speaker 1: What about psilocybin like Johns Hopkins are doing it? Yeah? 641 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 2: Absolutely, Like I haven't done the psilocybin because it goes 642 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:14,960 Speaker 2: it can go a little dark. I prefer the things 643 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:16,120 Speaker 2: that stay a little bit more in the. 644 00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:18,719 Speaker 1: Do you know scientifically chemically what's happening in the brain? 645 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:23,560 Speaker 1: With the yes? Can you just quickly yes? So interesting? 646 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:26,000 Speaker 2: Well, actually you know what I should do. I'm going 647 00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:30,080 Speaker 2: to send you instead the expert the two experts you 648 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,439 Speaker 2: should have on the show that can actually explain what's 649 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:38,480 Speaker 2: happening in it because it affects, Like what's so incredible 650 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:40,319 Speaker 2: is that you know, if you actually you should have 651 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:44,839 Speaker 2: doctor Lisa miller On from Columbia. She studies the noscience 652 00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:49,600 Speaker 2: of spirituality amazing well, so she can explain all this. 653 00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:52,200 Speaker 2: But if they're looking at the brain of somebody having 654 00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:58,280 Speaker 2: a spiritual experience, it looks exactly the same, whether it 655 00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:02,240 Speaker 2: is somebody chanting in tongues, somebody in deep meditation, somebody 656 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:06,000 Speaker 2: having an orgasm, somebody in awe with nature, or somebody 657 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:10,600 Speaker 2: having a deeply psychological or psychedelic because there is a 658 00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:13,520 Speaker 2: part of the brain that comes online where you are 659 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:17,640 Speaker 2: disassociated from self and you are able to be in 660 00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:23,640 Speaker 2: the present moment without like managing your physical space. Like 661 00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:26,320 Speaker 2: it like, there's a part of the brain that locates 662 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:31,120 Speaker 2: you in a physical space. Yes, and there's something about 663 00:36:31,239 --> 00:36:36,560 Speaker 2: these spiritual and psychedelic and other experiences that the brain 664 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:39,879 Speaker 2: is designed to do. But it also removes you from 665 00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:42,839 Speaker 2: the physicality of the space and connects you with more 666 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:46,880 Speaker 2: of the quantum field and that energetic aspect of the experience. 667 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:52,520 Speaker 1: Beautiful, Yes, this is incredible. Thank you for taking the 668 00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:53,160 Speaker 1: time