WEBVTT - George Stephanopoulos & Ali Wentworth 0:00:14.836 --> 0:00:29.196 Pushkin. Hi, I'm Phil Donahue and I'm Marlowe Thomas, and 0:00:29.316 --> 0:00:32.276 we're going on a series of double dates to find 0:00:32.316 --> 0:00:40.756 out what makes a marriage last. On paper, the marriage 0:00:40.756 --> 0:00:44.596 of George Stephanopoulos and Ali Wentworth would not have been 0:00:44.636 --> 0:00:48.236 a sure thing. He's a serious, strait laced news anchor, 0:00:48.636 --> 0:00:51.956 and here she is this lively and mischievous comedian and 0:00:52.036 --> 0:00:54.276 author who will go to any length to get a 0:00:54.396 --> 0:00:57.516 laugh out of you. But the secret is George is 0:00:57.556 --> 0:01:01.436 the abbot to Alice's costello, and she's the Lucy to 0:01:01.556 --> 0:01:04.076 his rickey. So when we got a chance to visit 0:01:04.116 --> 0:01:07.316 with them in their stylish and homeye apartment on Manhattan's 0:01:07.316 --> 0:01:09.756 East Side, we knew it was going to be fun 0:01:09.876 --> 0:01:13.436 and revealing. We settled into their living room to chat 0:01:13.716 --> 0:01:16.636 and marlow asked Ali to tell us how it all began. 0:01:16.796 --> 0:01:21.076 Twenty years ago. I was talking to another single woman 0:01:21.796 --> 0:01:25.116 and I had just had a torrid love affair with 0:01:25.156 --> 0:01:28.436 this British actor and I was ready to be serious 0:01:28.996 --> 0:01:32.156 and she said, oh, me too. And I said, I'm 0:01:32.196 --> 0:01:34.276 going to introduce you to my brother, and she said, 0:01:34.996 --> 0:01:38.796 I can introduce you to my old friend, George Stephanopolis 0:01:38.916 --> 0:01:42.116 and I said, no, no, thank you very much. I'm 0:01:42.156 --> 0:01:45.636 from Washington, d C. I grew up around journalists. That's 0:01:45.636 --> 0:01:49.156 the last thing I want, you know, were your parents journalist? Yeah, 0:01:49.196 --> 0:01:51.316 and in the White House, I just I wanted Matthew 0:01:51.316 --> 0:01:53.236 Perry or Hugh Grant. You know. I just was like, 0:01:53.436 --> 0:01:55.956 I don't want that. And so a few weeks later, 0:01:55.996 --> 0:01:57.356 I was coming to New York and I thought, you 0:01:57.396 --> 0:01:59.436 know what, I'm going to call him. It'll be a 0:01:59.436 --> 0:02:02.356 great dinner party story. My date with George Stefanov. I mean, 0:02:02.396 --> 0:02:05.756 it practically writes itself. So I thought, we'll have an 0:02:05.756 --> 0:02:09.516 interesting conversation and that'll be that. And I couldn't believe 0:02:09.596 --> 0:02:12.956 when I left lunch that day, on an April day, 0:02:13.276 --> 0:02:18.876 April fourth, that I said, I'm attracted to him. I'm 0:02:18.916 --> 0:02:24.076 attracted to that guy. It's not that, but I think 0:02:24.196 --> 0:02:26.716 the differences, Honey, it wasn't a blind date. I knew 0:02:26.756 --> 0:02:29.316 who you were. I knew exactly who you were. You 0:02:29.316 --> 0:02:32.596 were not my type. I wasn't your type. That's so 0:02:32.636 --> 0:02:35.836 interesting to me. Everybody always says, including us, I knew, 0:02:36.236 --> 0:02:38.356 you know, we knew, I knew, we knew I was. 0:02:38.876 --> 0:02:41.996 He interviewed me on his show, and we were lovers 0:02:41.996 --> 0:02:44.516 the next day. So that's that. Yes, we were very 0:02:44.596 --> 0:02:50.356 quickly into that, but we we knew and that was it. 0:02:50.676 --> 0:02:52.076 And I'll tell you, you know how you know you 0:02:52.556 --> 0:02:55.236 when you know, you know, every other man that I 0:02:55.236 --> 0:02:57.836 had dated or had a relationship with, I was so 0:02:58.436 --> 0:03:01.996 concerned with sort of performing who I was, you know, 0:03:02.116 --> 0:03:04.316 and I just didn't feel I had to do it 0:03:04.316 --> 0:03:07.916 with them, you know. So the first time we did, 0:03:07.956 --> 0:03:10.196 I did go home with you. There wasn't a like 0:03:10.276 --> 0:03:12.796 how's my breath or oh god, my cellul lead or 0:03:13.156 --> 0:03:15.196 I just I didn't care at all. And that was 0:03:15.356 --> 0:03:17.996 that's when I really knew that I wasn't pretending to 0:03:18.036 --> 0:03:22.316 be this you were auditioning. No, I had gotten the part. 0:03:23.196 --> 0:03:27.236 What about you? It wasn't even I mean, it was immediate, 0:03:27.676 --> 0:03:30.716 you know, as close to immedia as can possibly be. 0:03:30.956 --> 0:03:33.156 I mean, we went out two or three days in 0:03:33.156 --> 0:03:37.156 a row. What what what can you? You had dated 0:03:37.196 --> 0:03:40.636 the Isle of Manhattan? Well, I mean it, and it's 0:03:40.676 --> 0:03:46.196 not and it's some based on some crazy idea of perfection, 0:03:46.356 --> 0:03:51.356 because you're right, I was forty. I dated a fair amount, 0:03:51.396 --> 0:03:57.196 but I knew this was someone who I could decide 0:03:57.196 --> 0:04:01.516 to be with you know, forever and be happy. And 0:04:01.556 --> 0:04:03.516 it's just like it's it's it's a it's a leap, 0:04:03.596 --> 0:04:08.916 it's it is. It's it's partly faith, partly intuition, attraction, 0:04:09.596 --> 0:04:14.196 and but it's nothing I've ever questioned from like, like 0:04:14.396 --> 0:04:17.396 within hours. We were engaged two months later and I 0:04:17.436 --> 0:04:21.196 was like, what is taking so long? And I had 0:04:21.236 --> 0:04:25.876 been engaged before really yeah, boxer rings if you know 0:04:25.916 --> 0:04:30.076 what I mean. Yeah, but it was never even close 0:04:30.156 --> 0:04:34.196 to not happening. Never. I think age is also a 0:04:34.236 --> 0:04:37.436 factor in marriage. I just do. I all my friends 0:04:37.516 --> 0:04:40.276 that got married in their early twenties are not married now. 0:04:40.596 --> 0:04:42.876 You're just not the same person, not all of them, 0:04:43.596 --> 0:04:46.996 the majority. Immediately, one of the things we had to 0:04:47.116 --> 0:04:53.716 learn was how to accommodate respect and change with each other. 0:04:54.676 --> 0:04:56.316 I mean, we're similar in a lot of ways, but 0:04:56.356 --> 0:04:59.436 there's the kind of I am definitely an introvert despite 0:04:59.476 --> 0:05:04.116 my job and like being out socially and all that. 0:05:04.916 --> 0:05:07.236 It's hard for not hard for me, but just its 0:05:08.036 --> 0:05:12.476 like he drains me. She gets energy from being with 0:05:12.516 --> 0:05:15.396 these people. Yea, And it took us we should have 0:05:15.396 --> 0:05:17.916 gotten married. It's one of those things in life of 0:05:17.956 --> 0:05:20.156 the party. You know, for me that's been great because 0:05:20.156 --> 0:05:22.196 it's opened up a different side of myself. I think 0:05:22.236 --> 0:05:28.356 you've probably also gotten more in touch with your introverted side. Yeah, definitely. 0:05:28.636 --> 0:05:30.876 I mean our kids have mixes of both. I'll give 0:05:30.916 --> 0:05:34.676 you an example. When we were first married, we would 0:05:34.796 --> 0:05:37.396 argue because we would go to an event, a party 0:05:37.956 --> 0:05:39.756 would take me an hour to get out the door 0:05:39.756 --> 0:05:42.956 because I talk and talk and say goodbye, and George 0:05:42.956 --> 0:05:45.956 would be sweating, you know, by the front door. He 0:05:46.076 --> 0:05:50.596 had the God it goes. And now I not only 0:05:50.636 --> 0:05:53.236 do I completely understand that, I even know when he 0:05:53.276 --> 0:05:55.916 looks at me like we're out the door, no discussion, 0:05:55.956 --> 0:05:58.676 I don't even say goodbye. And we've also learned you 0:05:58.716 --> 0:06:00.796 don't have to do everything together, Like when if I 0:06:00.836 --> 0:06:02.796 don't want to go to something, it's not a reflection 0:06:02.796 --> 0:06:05.436 on you. No, Yeah, that's that's a big thing we've 0:06:05.716 --> 0:06:08.876 We've had to come to that because Phil doesn't want 0:06:08.876 --> 0:06:11.556 to go to every fundraiser for Saint Jude Children's Research, 0:06:13.316 --> 0:06:16.796 which I drew nine thousand a year, and I at 0:06:16.796 --> 0:06:19.436 first I said, you have to come, And then after 0:06:19.436 --> 0:06:22.236 a while I thought, why does he have to? Really? 0:06:22.476 --> 0:06:26.036 Where was he go. I've started to realize that when 0:06:26.076 --> 0:06:30.676 I married Marlow, I married a hospital Somewhere. During the 0:06:30.716 --> 0:06:34.516 reception of our wedding, Danny stood up. My knew father 0:06:34.556 --> 0:06:36.916 in law stood up on her wedding. You said, I 0:06:37.036 --> 0:06:42.316 haven't lost a daughter, I've gained a fundraiser, and he did, 0:06:42.516 --> 0:06:45.796 and he had been on the show a couple of times. Yeah, 0:06:46.036 --> 0:06:48.636 we got along very well, and I got along very 0:06:48.636 --> 0:06:54.436 well with her mother, an Italian who didn't like Irish people. Well, well, 0:06:54.436 --> 0:06:59.236 that's another interesting thing about marriage too, is that you know, 0:07:00.116 --> 0:07:03.116 if he had married a Greek Orthodox, that would have 0:07:03.276 --> 0:07:07.356 been the jackpot. I just slid in. But I had 0:07:07.396 --> 0:07:10.276 to charm them. But what are you do? You have 0:07:10.276 --> 0:07:14.676 a faith of your own. I'm a pure wasp. Mother's 0:07:14.756 --> 0:07:18.556 name is Muffie Mayflower wasp. But also we I mean 0:07:18.596 --> 0:07:23.196 it's we're also lucky in that way. We've never had 0:07:23.436 --> 0:07:26.316 in law issues, except for one fight over the wedding. 0:07:27.236 --> 0:07:31.956 What was the fight. Well, his mother is a very 0:07:31.956 --> 0:07:36.156 strong minded Greek woman. My mother was social secretary of 0:07:36.156 --> 0:07:39.956 the Reagan White House six feet tall. So when we 0:07:39.996 --> 0:07:43.356 decided to get married, it was very clear that these 0:07:43.396 --> 0:07:47.516 two women were going to dominate the planning, and we 0:07:47.676 --> 0:07:51.436 said have fun. Our feeling was we wanted to marry 0:07:51.436 --> 0:07:54.236 each other. We're not going to get I was not 0:07:54.316 --> 0:07:56.316 a girl who had a vision board about what my 0:07:56.356 --> 0:07:58.916 wedding was going to look like. So I've said fine, 0:07:59.196 --> 0:08:03.116 And it was a dog fight those two. So how 0:08:03.156 --> 0:08:07.956 do you two fight? We fight, not but how constructively 0:08:08.556 --> 0:08:10.756 we didn't use too I had a tendency to be 0:08:10.876 --> 0:08:13.956 a meaner fighter, but you well, yeah, you're definitely a 0:08:13.956 --> 0:08:18.556 meanor fighter. But that's you know, that's good to learn 0:08:19.196 --> 0:08:22.436 how to navigate that as well. Right, she can be 0:08:22.436 --> 0:08:25.236 a little more of a louder fighter. I'm a little 0:08:25.236 --> 0:08:29.156 bit more persistent on making sure the conversation is truly resolved. 0:08:29.556 --> 0:08:32.956 The thing that we've realized what the friends that we 0:08:33.036 --> 0:08:35.196 know that don't make it is they don't know how 0:08:35.236 --> 0:08:37.156 to come back. But to come back, you actually have 0:08:37.196 --> 0:08:39.716 to go through why you have to finish it. You 0:08:39.716 --> 0:08:43.596 have to just make sure you're actually communicating everything you 0:08:43.636 --> 0:08:45.956 need to communicate. And that's the only way. You can't 0:08:45.956 --> 0:08:48.356 just let it. You just can't push it down, right. 0:08:48.556 --> 0:08:52.956 And also you hear from other couples that didn't make it. 0:08:53.756 --> 0:08:57.756 They had fights and they would spend days not speaking 0:08:57.756 --> 0:09:01.756 to each other and then soon that kind of cannot 0:09:01.756 --> 0:09:05.196 imagine that. I can't either. We've had fights till the 0:09:05.236 --> 0:09:08.196 sun came up, till we resolved. It wasn't good for 0:09:08.236 --> 0:09:11.556 the guy who was interviewing that morning. And was that 0:09:11.676 --> 0:09:13.716 when you first got married or you still could do that, 0:09:13.876 --> 0:09:16.676 the timeline is definitely shorter. Yeah, but we always end 0:09:16.676 --> 0:09:20.916 our fight by having sex generally. Yeah, I mean that's 0:09:20.916 --> 0:09:24.836 how you that's perfect. You have to really end it. Yeah. 0:09:24.876 --> 0:09:29.196 Well that's what a memo said about there's only one 0:09:29.236 --> 0:09:32.196 way out of a bad fight, and that's makeup sex. Yeah, 0:09:32.196 --> 0:09:34.876 it's essential. It does, it does make it go away. 0:09:35.076 --> 0:09:37.916 It kind of think, oh, what was that, right? I 0:09:37.956 --> 0:09:40.436 mean I kind of like, what's happening here? Yeah? Yeah, no, 0:09:40.596 --> 0:09:43.876 I I think so too. And and and the premise 0:09:43.916 --> 0:09:46.236 of each fight is I mean the premise, I mean 0:09:46.276 --> 0:09:52.796 we we also both know we're not going anywhere. That's 0:09:52.836 --> 0:09:55.716 a big one. Too many people go into marriage and 0:09:55.756 --> 0:10:00.476 they think as kind of has an escape clause. Yeah, 0:10:00.756 --> 0:10:04.796 it won't work. You have to believe and know that 0:10:04.876 --> 0:10:07.156 this is and then and I know that, Yeah, I 0:10:07.196 --> 0:10:10.916 guess for some people, so obviously people sometimes get divorced 0:10:10.916 --> 0:10:14.916 for very very good reasons. We start from the premise 0:10:14.956 --> 0:10:17.276 of it's not going to happen, but one of the 0:10:17.316 --> 0:10:20.396 way when you talk about trust, when Phil was divorced. 0:10:20.436 --> 0:10:22.316 When I met him, we were pretty hot and heavy 0:10:22.316 --> 0:10:23.716 and flying to each other in the middle of the 0:10:23.796 --> 0:10:26.716 night and all this crazy stuff. And at one point 0:10:26.796 --> 0:10:30.116 I said to him, you know a sexual glow. Oh 0:10:30.156 --> 0:10:32.156 my god, what would have happened if we'd met when 0:10:32.196 --> 0:10:35.996 you were married? And he said, well, with all due respect, 0:10:36.676 --> 0:10:38.796 nothing would have taken me from my wife and kids. 0:10:39.796 --> 0:10:43.156 And I thought, I can love this man. I can 0:10:43.276 --> 0:10:49.516 love this man who's not bullshitting me. You know he won't. 0:10:52.196 --> 0:11:10.116 We'll have more after a quick break. We're back to 0:11:10.196 --> 0:11:14.676 our conversation with George Stephanopolos and Ali Wentworth. By this 0:11:14.756 --> 0:11:18.436 point we've covered most of the basics, so Marlowe steered 0:11:18.476 --> 0:11:21.716 the conversation to Ali's favorite subject. All right, Well, the 0:11:21.756 --> 0:11:24.756 fun thing about interviewing you two is that you talk 0:11:24.836 --> 0:11:32.396 so much about sex and nobody does. That's great, thank you, No, 0:11:32.516 --> 0:11:37.236 it is. No, it is great because we're well, it's 0:11:37.316 --> 0:11:42.916 not naughty, especially when you're married. Yeah, well, it's never naughty. 0:11:42.996 --> 0:11:47.596 It's it's rare. Yeah, exactly. So when you've written advice 0:11:47.636 --> 0:11:52.436 books and so what is your advice about sex? My 0:11:52.516 --> 0:11:57.036 advice to married couples about sex, Yeah, have it, Yes, 0:11:57.556 --> 0:12:01.036 have it, and have it on a regular basis, because 0:12:01.956 --> 0:12:05.276 I have found in talking to the great many women 0:12:05.356 --> 0:12:11.116 who I have very honest, open relationships with, if you're 0:12:11.156 --> 0:12:15.756 married and you're not having sex, something's wrong. I have 0:12:15.876 --> 0:12:18.716 my girlfriends like, if George is unavailable to me for 0:12:18.836 --> 0:12:21.276 whatever reason, he's working or he just doesn't want to 0:12:21.356 --> 0:12:23.356 chew on the fact that so and so are getting 0:12:23.396 --> 0:12:26.876 divorced and I need a four hour conversation, I go 0:12:26.956 --> 0:12:29.316 to my girlfriends. But the one thing I have with 0:12:29.356 --> 0:12:34.756 my husband is a physical relationship. And I know way 0:12:34.796 --> 0:12:37.436 too many people who you started hearing, yeah, well we 0:12:37.516 --> 0:12:40.716 never have sex, red flag, and then a few years 0:12:40.716 --> 0:12:43.236 go by and then they get divorced or somebody has 0:12:43.276 --> 0:12:47.836 an affair. And I say to my girlfriends, you know, 0:12:47.916 --> 0:12:49.756 if you have the stomach flu, I get it. But 0:12:49.916 --> 0:12:52.796 otherwise you've got to push it. We're all tired, we 0:12:52.836 --> 0:12:55.836 all have kids and lives and careers, and you have 0:12:55.916 --> 0:12:58.396 to push yourself. Alie always makes fun of me because 0:12:58.516 --> 0:13:02.516 I always I am skeptical whenever she talks about all 0:13:02.516 --> 0:13:05.836 these stories she hears about it married couples not having sex. 0:13:06.476 --> 0:13:08.796 I sort of, I mean, obviously people go through periods, 0:13:08.796 --> 0:13:13.556 but I don't sort of don't understand the point. There 0:13:13.596 --> 0:13:18.316 are a sexless marriages more than you think, George maybe. 0:13:18.396 --> 0:13:20.916 And then do they break up, Yes, they break up. 0:13:20.956 --> 0:13:26.596 They have affairs, right, yeah, more mostly affairs because you know, 0:13:26.636 --> 0:13:29.876 you sort of need a net to right to actually leave. 0:13:29.996 --> 0:13:34.276 But it's it's amazing, and it's amazing how many couples 0:13:34.356 --> 0:13:37.276 tolerate it and for how long they tolerate it for. 0:13:37.596 --> 0:13:41.596 But guys don't talk about it, do they not? Really? Yeah? No, 0:13:41.636 --> 0:13:43.516 I mean like women will say I'm not having or 0:13:43.556 --> 0:13:45.956 I'm having or it's really great or whatever. I mean, 0:13:45.996 --> 0:13:48.196 we we not only say are you having it or 0:13:48.196 --> 0:13:50.236 you're not having it? What kind of problems are you having? 0:13:50.276 --> 0:13:54.996 And right now everybody's in menopause, so everybody's coconut oil, 0:13:55.036 --> 0:13:58.796 coconut oil, coconut oil. I mean people girlfriends help each other, 0:13:58.956 --> 0:14:01.436 you know, or no, But I mean that this is 0:14:01.436 --> 0:14:03.756 the stuff that people want to know about it. One 0:14:03.756 --> 0:14:06.676 of the things marriage is about, obviously, is sex. One 0:14:06.676 --> 0:14:09.356 of the things marriage is about is trust. No, but see, 0:14:09.356 --> 0:14:13.036 I think all of it, it all sends from this 0:14:13.116 --> 0:14:16.556 one place, which is people say to me all the time, 0:14:16.796 --> 0:14:18.636 what is a secret to your marriage? You and George 0:14:18.636 --> 0:14:21.236 are so different. I don't get it. People in the 0:14:21.236 --> 0:14:23.356 back room of our wedding we're making bets on how 0:14:23.356 --> 0:14:27.716 long it was going to last. And I don't know why. 0:14:27.836 --> 0:14:30.836 But you know, eighteen years later, he walks in the 0:14:30.876 --> 0:14:34.116 door from work and I'm just as attracted to him 0:14:34.156 --> 0:14:36.156 as I was the first week we were dating. I 0:14:36.196 --> 0:14:40.796 just I go, look at that sexy man. I'm so sweet. 0:14:41.196 --> 0:14:43.076 All the time, I'm mad at you, and I'm not 0:14:43.156 --> 0:14:45.396 going to let you know that. But no, but when 0:14:45.396 --> 0:14:47.396 Phil goes away or I go away and we're going 0:14:47.436 --> 0:14:50.996 to get back together, I'm excited. I'm fixing up. Yeah. Yeah, 0:14:51.076 --> 0:14:54.476 I mean I think I hope you feel the same. Yes, 0:14:55.356 --> 0:14:58.636 talk back, But I mean I think that it starts 0:14:58.676 --> 0:15:01.076 with that, and then the sex is around that. And 0:15:01.516 --> 0:15:04.716 I think the trust. Trust is a huge thing. Of course, 0:15:04.836 --> 0:15:06.996 because it hasn't in a question is like I said, 0:15:06.996 --> 0:15:10.316 it's just lucky. No. In fact, when people have affairs 0:15:10.396 --> 0:15:15.796 or marriages break down or break up. I'll say to George, 0:15:16.196 --> 0:15:18.356 you would never have an affair, and we both start laughing. 0:15:18.756 --> 0:15:20.956 Like if somebody came to me and said, your husband's 0:15:21.036 --> 0:15:23.556 cheating on you, I would laugh. That would be my 0:15:23.596 --> 0:15:27.396 first reaction. Absolutely not, no way, it's not. It's just 0:15:27.516 --> 0:15:31.116 not in his nature. But but how do you know that? 0:15:31.116 --> 0:15:34.076 That's the thing. I feel the same way about Phil. 0:15:34.116 --> 0:15:37.476 In fact, Phil's producers once said that when a woman 0:15:37.516 --> 0:15:40.196 comes on to Phil, he's not doesn't really realize it. 0:15:40.796 --> 0:15:44.036 That's just who he is. He's not there. George realizes it. 0:15:44.116 --> 0:15:47.476 He just he just shuts it down. He just there's 0:15:47.556 --> 0:15:50.876 no there's nothing back. But I'm an actress though, if 0:15:50.876 --> 0:15:54.796 someone flirts back to me, I go, oh great, But 0:15:54.956 --> 0:15:56.836 what do you do when somebody comes on to you? 0:15:56.876 --> 0:16:00.236 I mean, do you say something or do you nobody's 0:16:00.276 --> 0:16:02.316 that explicit? You have a wedding ring, right, because some 0:16:02.396 --> 0:16:04.596 women don't wear wedding mans, which I think is really 0:16:05.196 --> 0:16:08.236 like that's just yeah, like, look, I maybe I am available, 0:16:08.396 --> 0:16:10.636 you know, but I mean I guess I'm just so 0:16:11.156 --> 0:16:14.756 sometimes it makes them even more wanted when they stand on. Yeah, 0:16:14.756 --> 0:16:17.036 women think it's a chance. I don't think. I don't 0:16:17.036 --> 0:16:19.476 think there's any part of me that invites it. Marlo 0:16:19.556 --> 0:16:25.436 bought a wedding band from me. It's six feet wide. 0:16:25.916 --> 0:16:32.596 It's actually no mistake at all. And if a woman 0:16:32.636 --> 0:16:35.916 gets too close to me, there's a When he was 0:16:35.916 --> 0:16:37.316 on the year, I used to love that, he'd have 0:16:37.356 --> 0:16:43.556 the microphone in his hand, this huge gold thing. Yeah hello, yeah, okay, 0:16:44.676 --> 0:16:48.076 did you ever go to it? Never went to marriage counseling? Now, yeah, 0:16:48.356 --> 0:16:51.796 I have nothing against it, but yeah, yeah, we Yeah, 0:16:51.796 --> 0:16:54.876 we've been pretty I mean pretty good at figuring out 0:16:54.876 --> 0:16:56.916 on our own. Actually, it's funny, that's what We've probably 0:16:57.036 --> 0:16:59.716 ended three fights like that though. What put that card 0:16:59.716 --> 0:17:03.236 on the table. Let's go to counseling, and that forces 0:17:03.316 --> 0:17:05.196 us to do it ourselves. I do it, I say it. 0:17:06.116 --> 0:17:11.156 But do you ever use the I'm leaving hardy people 0:17:11.236 --> 0:17:13.476 do that? I know that's a scary car. And if 0:17:13.516 --> 0:17:16.676 you have high abandonment like me, that could that has 0:17:17.276 --> 0:17:21.676 significant repercussion. If you say, well, we're going to get divorced, 0:17:21.716 --> 0:17:23.676 then I'll go have an affair because I think we're 0:17:23.676 --> 0:17:26.796 getting divorced and I have to get my next because 0:17:26.836 --> 0:17:29.356 I have abandonment. And then you say I'm just kidding, 0:17:29.356 --> 0:17:31.276 and I go, oh, I already had an affair. Now 0:17:31.316 --> 0:17:35.836 I am leaving you. It's a messy. See if there's anything, 0:17:35.876 --> 0:17:41.076 oh stress, I mean with us, we used to if 0:17:41.116 --> 0:17:44.076 one of us panicked, the other one would panic. Also 0:17:44.716 --> 0:17:48.236 we had to learn not to go crazy at the 0:17:48.236 --> 0:17:50.636 same time. Oh no, I think we if one of 0:17:50.716 --> 0:17:53.316 us is panicking, the other one doesn't. Yeah, pretty much. 0:17:53.356 --> 0:17:56.716 If he's panicking, let's say over a job thing, I know, 0:17:56.916 --> 0:18:01.876 just a quiet down at home. Well, Phil does something 0:18:01.916 --> 0:18:04.796 that just kills me. If he has a hurt look 0:18:04.836 --> 0:18:09.476 on his face, I'm just absolutely mother Teresa, I just 0:18:09.516 --> 0:18:12.676 will do anything. I'll go out and pick up lepers. 0:18:12.676 --> 0:18:15.796 I'll do anything I can to get that look not 0:18:15.876 --> 0:18:17.876 to be there. Yeah. And I do that with the 0:18:17.956 --> 0:18:20.236 kids too. If I see, if I see he's going 0:18:20.276 --> 0:18:23.116 through a hard time, I will say to them, put 0:18:23.116 --> 0:18:26.316 all your bitchiness in a box. It'll be nice to dad. 0:18:26.596 --> 0:18:29.596 That's nice to daddy. Make daddy a card, be nice 0:18:29.596 --> 0:18:33.476 to daddy. Exactly what do you think is the biggest 0:18:33.556 --> 0:18:37.636 challenge you've had to face. We've been so lucky. I 0:18:37.716 --> 0:18:40.916 think there are many doors you have to go through, 0:18:41.076 --> 0:18:44.076 and the you know, the first one is how do 0:18:44.156 --> 0:18:47.676 we co exist together? But you never know when you 0:18:47.716 --> 0:18:50.156 marry somebody what kind of parent they're going to be, 0:18:50.556 --> 0:18:52.836 you know, So then you go through that door and 0:18:52.876 --> 0:18:56.396 then then becomes just the life stuff. And we have 0:18:56.476 --> 0:18:59.316 a teenage daughter who's about to have big surgery, and 0:18:59.396 --> 0:19:01.996 so we're going to sort of be a solid couple 0:19:02.036 --> 0:19:05.556 together to help her get through this period. So I 0:19:05.676 --> 0:19:08.516 know our marriage well enough to know exactly what it's 0:19:08.556 --> 0:19:13.516 going to look like. His strengths are to be the 0:19:13.516 --> 0:19:16.116 problem solver to check him with the surgeon, and you know, 0:19:16.196 --> 0:19:18.796 he'll be that guy and I'll be does she have 0:19:18.836 --> 0:19:21.276 a blanket? And I'll do the nurturing stuff, and then 0:19:21.316 --> 0:19:23.516 he'll know when I need a little comfort, and I'll 0:19:23.516 --> 0:19:25.876 know when he's slightly freaked out by seeing his daughter 0:19:25.876 --> 0:19:28.756 in this condition. And we know how to do all that. Now, 0:19:28.756 --> 0:19:30.476 we know the kind of the dance and we know 0:19:30.556 --> 0:19:34.916 the needs, and so you know, God forbid, bigger mountains 0:19:34.996 --> 0:19:37.436 are ahead of us. I know what I can rely 0:19:37.476 --> 0:19:39.596 on him for. I know, and he knows what he 0:19:39.636 --> 0:19:44.276 can for me. That's great. I once took my son 0:19:44.356 --> 0:19:47.076 to baseball practice, and then I went to pick him up. 0:19:47.196 --> 0:19:49.876 He got in the car on the front seat, closed 0:19:49.916 --> 0:19:54.436 the door and he said, I get cut. I'm telling you. 0:19:54.556 --> 0:19:57.516 I mean it was like an arrow in my heart. 0:19:57.956 --> 0:20:00.636 And I started talking, Oh, yeah, I got cut when 0:20:00.676 --> 0:20:03.556 I was you. I don't worry about it. I don't 0:20:03.556 --> 0:20:06.636 know what the hell I said. Now, obviously getting cut 0:20:06.676 --> 0:20:09.236 from a baseball team is not the worst thing it 0:20:09.236 --> 0:20:12.356 can happen. It is at the time, it is. Yeah, 0:20:12.396 --> 0:20:15.316 we had something like that just before you guys came here, 0:20:14.836 --> 0:20:18.316 our daughter. You know, this typical middle school, high school 0:20:18.316 --> 0:20:20.556 stuff about who's having a party, who's got to invite, 0:20:20.556 --> 0:20:23.036 who didn't get invited, And the truth is, when it's 0:20:23.036 --> 0:20:26.476 your daughter, it's like, it is heartbreaking. And then our 0:20:26.516 --> 0:20:29.156 conversation that we do, what do we do? What do 0:20:29.156 --> 0:20:30.596 we say? You know yet? How do you keep your 0:20:30.596 --> 0:20:33.116 distance from it? How do you have to let her 0:20:33.956 --> 0:20:37.316 learn from it? And you have to sort of just 0:20:37.396 --> 0:20:40.876 sit there while she cries? Oh, she cries. And all 0:20:40.916 --> 0:20:42.916 I want to do is go find that girl that's 0:20:43.396 --> 0:20:46.276 already inviting all her friends except her killer. And I 0:20:46.276 --> 0:20:48.996 have to reminder she can't do that, all right. I 0:20:49.116 --> 0:20:50.916 texted him, I said, do I call the mother? And 0:20:50.916 --> 0:20:53.796 he said no, And I trust. I think he's right 0:20:53.876 --> 0:20:56.196 and you know, but that's right. How we do it? 0:20:56.876 --> 0:21:01.796 What would you pass on to, you know, to people 0:21:02.116 --> 0:21:05.476 about to be married. There's a lot of hard stuff 0:21:05.476 --> 0:21:08.436 that happens in life. We have to celebrate the good stuff. 0:21:08.476 --> 0:21:13.276 You know, we have, you get you know, your contract 0:21:13.476 --> 0:21:15.756 gets renewed. Let's celebrate it. We don't have to be 0:21:15.836 --> 0:21:18.156 obnoxious about it. Could just be the four of us, 0:21:18.156 --> 0:21:19.956 but like, let me make a cake and the kids 0:21:19.956 --> 0:21:22.316 will stick some Eminem's on it and say good for you. 0:21:24.076 --> 0:21:26.476 And I mean more than birthdays and stuff. I mean, 0:21:27.076 --> 0:21:31.076 you know, special things, and you know, in our anniversary, 0:21:31.116 --> 0:21:33.956 I don't like it to be taken lightly. I don't 0:21:34.116 --> 0:21:38.236 want a diamond necklace or a you know, some expensive painting. 0:21:38.356 --> 0:21:40.396 I want the two of us just to we write, 0:21:41.276 --> 0:21:43.236 you know, letters to each other. But I want us 0:21:43.276 --> 0:21:46.636 to say, like, hey, it's your eighteen, look at us. 0:21:46.716 --> 0:21:48.956 I still love you. You know that those moments are 0:21:48.996 --> 0:21:52.796 not to be sort of tossed aside. I think the 0:21:52.836 --> 0:21:55.796 biggest thing, the thing I would think of, don't be afraid. 0:21:55.876 --> 0:22:01.836 I mean, let it disrupt your life. By definition, that's 0:22:01.836 --> 0:22:04.556 what you're doing, and it's that's going to happen all 0:22:04.596 --> 0:22:07.996 the time. Be open to the changes that being married 0:22:08.036 --> 0:22:10.956 or to bring you every single day gets. You're right. 0:22:10.996 --> 0:22:13.236 I mean, I don't know sure this is all guys, 0:22:13.276 --> 0:22:15.396 but I tend to be more creature of habit, and 0:22:16.196 --> 0:22:18.036 he gets set in your ways and you have to 0:22:18.156 --> 0:22:22.596 let kind of a lot of things just happen every day. 0:22:22.836 --> 0:22:26.836 Let the chaos in. If you're about to get married, 0:22:27.276 --> 0:22:31.956 if you have any pangs of hesitation, listen to them. 0:22:32.076 --> 0:22:36.796 I have two friends who were about to get married 0:22:36.836 --> 0:22:41.276 and had that feeling of dread. One of them cried 0:22:41.356 --> 0:22:43.716 hysterically all the way to the church, and I was 0:22:43.756 --> 0:22:47.036 in the car with her, and it wasn't crying like 0:22:47.116 --> 0:22:49.276 I'm getting married. It was it was as if she 0:22:49.396 --> 0:22:51.836 was going to be hunk in the village square, just 0:22:52.196 --> 0:22:54.956 hysterically crying. And I kept saying to her, you know, 0:22:54.956 --> 0:22:57.556 we can turn the car around. I agree with you. 0:22:57.316 --> 0:22:59.636 If you if you have if there's anything holding you back, 0:23:00.356 --> 0:23:02.396 listen to it. And then the flip side of that 0:23:02.556 --> 0:23:07.076 is remember how you feel this day every single day. 0:23:07.116 --> 0:23:10.516 Try to at some point remember that, because there are 0:23:10.596 --> 0:23:12.676 going to be a lot of times when you remember 0:23:12.676 --> 0:23:15.556 how you feel on the wedding day. Yeah, remember remember 0:23:15.596 --> 0:23:17.996 how you feel this day, why you're doing it today, 0:23:18.156 --> 0:23:20.276 who you're doing it with, what you love about that? 0:23:20.676 --> 0:23:24.476