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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Sam, this is John, and we are

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Speaker 1: the founding hosts of Okay Storytime Podcasts.

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Speaker 2: And we have some foundational stories coming up for you.

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Speaker 1: But the thing is this foundation needs a little support

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Speaker 1: from these sponsors. So stick around two minutes and we'll

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Speaker 1: get into the episode.

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Speaker 2: I met my bio mom after twenty three years, could

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Speaker 2: she hang? Let's find out I mailed twenty three. Was

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Speaker 2: raised by a single father who passed away three years

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Speaker 2: ago when I was around fifteen. He sat me down

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Speaker 2: and explained that my mom is alive, that I'm the

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Speaker 2: result of a one night's stand during his college days

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Speaker 2: in the US. You didn't know she was alive for

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Speaker 2: fifteen years.

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Speaker 3: He was like, I know. I told you your mom

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Speaker 3: passed away and that horrific.

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Speaker 2: Explosion in that horrific bicycle, that horrific bicycle factory incident.

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Speaker 3: But she's alive. What mama didn't pass away in that

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Speaker 3: horrific bicycle explosion. I told my friends that happened.

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Speaker 2: So they stopped making of bicycles out of explosives after that.

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Speaker 2: You never see those bicycles anymore anyway. He said, my

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Speaker 2: mom wanted to put me up for adoption, but he

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Speaker 2: chose to take full custody and raise me on his own.

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Speaker 2: And by the way, this comes from user throwaway Como

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Speaker 2: And if you want to submit your own stories, go

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Speaker 2: to the r slash Okay storytime. Subret it I'm Dakota,

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Speaker 2: I'm Sophia, and I'm Keon and Op says, it's important

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Speaker 2: to mention that my father was Italian and my mom

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Speaker 2: is American. Very important, extremely important.

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Speaker 4: Well kind of Italian.

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Speaker 2: We let dad make the sauce like that kind?

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Speaker 4: Where's he from?

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Speaker 2: Like Italy? N what part of Italy? Chicago? Chicago? You

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Speaker 2: got me there? A good job. They met when he

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Speaker 2: was studying in the States. I moved to the US

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Speaker 2: pursuing my master's degree in the same city where my

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Speaker 2: mother lives, though we've never met, and as far as

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Speaker 2: I know, she has no idea i'm here. Last week,

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Speaker 2: I broke my hand and ended up in the er

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Speaker 2: That's where I met her. It was strange and emotional,

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Speaker 2: but I kept my cool and pretended not to know

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Speaker 2: who she was. When she saw me, she looked shocked

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Speaker 2: but kept things professional, though I noticed her staring at

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Speaker 2: me more than once. Wait a minute, you just broke

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Speaker 2: your arm, She works at the hospital that you were

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Speaker 2: taken to.

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Speaker 3: And you both knew it was the other person, but

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Speaker 3: didn't say anything. She was like, she was like, hello, Opie,

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Speaker 3: why are you here today?

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Speaker 4: You mean to tell me Fate like you broke your

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Speaker 4: arm that day. She was working that ship that hour,

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Speaker 4: and you guys intertwined by fate.

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Speaker 2: Fate guys intervened. You guys are pulling a nonchalant off

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Speaker 2: about it. Though you guys, She's just like, says something been.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, are you my mom my? Mom? Is your mommy?

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Speaker 4: It's one of those days.

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Speaker 2: So I had to undergo surgery, and she checked on

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Speaker 2: me before and after the operation. Everything was strictly doctor

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Speaker 2: patient interact. Yesterday, my aunt, my dad's sister, called me

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Speaker 2: and she told me that my mom had reached out

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Speaker 2: to her through Facebook. Explaining the entire encounter, she said,

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Speaker 2: my mom wanted to hug me and kiss me and

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Speaker 2: stay by my side the whole time I was in

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Speaker 2: the hospital, but when I didn't react to her, she

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Speaker 2: assumed either I didn't recognize her or that I hated her.

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Speaker 2: She begged my aunt to talk to me, to convince

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Speaker 2: me to give her one chance to explain she wants

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Speaker 2: to be a part of my life. She wants to

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Speaker 2: meet her kids, and she wants her boy back. My

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Speaker 2: aunt told her she wouldn't take sides. She said she'd

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Speaker 2: talk to me and leave the decision entirely up to me.

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Speaker 2: Being the good Christian woman she is, she encouraged me

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Speaker 2: to give her the chance to explain honestly, the little

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Speaker 2: boy inside me wants to meet her, to hug her

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Speaker 2: and finally have a mother in my life. But the

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Speaker 2: man I've become feels anger and resentment.

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Speaker 3: Let the little boy out.

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Speaker 2: You gotta listen to the little boy in that context,

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Speaker 2: my guy, I gotta listen to the little boy inside.

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Speaker 2: The grown man is angry, said, The grown man version

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Speaker 2: of you is angry because of what the little boy

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Speaker 2: that you were lacked, and now that thing is that

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Speaker 2: that person is here. Yeah, and you can maybe maybe

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Speaker 2: put your toe in, dip your toe in the people.

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Speaker 3: You don't have to have a relationship with her. You

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Speaker 3: can just say, hey, what gives mama?

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Speaker 2: And then uh say exactly that, Hey.

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Speaker 3: What gives mama, and then see where it goes from.

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Speaker 2: There and say it with an Elvis voice, Hey Hey mama,

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Speaker 2: what Hey mama gives. I know this is my decision

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Speaker 2: to make, but I haven't been able to sleep, and

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Speaker 2: I would like to hear stranger's opinions. My mind keeps spinning.

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Speaker 2: I imagine having a beautiful relationship with her and getting

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Speaker 2: to know her kids, but I also feel jealous they

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Speaker 2: got to grow up with her and I didn't any

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Speaker 2: advice please, And there are some top comments, but before

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Speaker 2: we get into them, Sophia.

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Speaker 3: Hi, I think you should go meet her. I feel

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Speaker 3: like the little boy wants to and you gotta let

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Speaker 3: that little boy have he wants.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, let the little boy out. Let him out, the

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Speaker 2: boy out. He's in there, let him out, let him out,

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Speaker 2: let him free.

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Speaker 3: I think you feel a lot of anger and resentment

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Speaker 3: for very fair reasons, because you know your mom hasn't

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Speaker 3: been in your life for twenty three years. But I

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Speaker 3: think you lost your dad and you want like some

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Speaker 3: sort of parental figure in your life, and this is

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Speaker 3: maybe an opportunity for that.

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Speaker 2: But he's kind of like going guarded fate.

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Speaker 4: If yeah, I'm sorry, If by chance fate was this

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Speaker 4: like intertwined, I'm sorry. I'd like it might as well

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Speaker 4: just take you know, wing, it might as well, just like, see,

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Speaker 4: give it a chance to.

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Speaker 2: Keep being your doctor. She could be your mom too.

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Speaker 4: She can kiss it now, kiss the booboo.

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Speaker 3: So the doctor comes in and says, I can't operate

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Speaker 3: on this patient. He's my son. How is that possible?

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Speaker 3: You guys never heard that.

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Speaker 2: I wasn't locked in. I was just that was such

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Speaker 2: a funny joke. I'm sorry. I'm trying to figure out

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Speaker 2: again if he knew that his mom even worked in

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Speaker 2: the medical field.

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Speaker 3: I don't even think.

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Speaker 2: I don't we don't have any of that information, the

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Speaker 2: fact that I.

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Speaker 4: Need the context of, like, how did you know his

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Speaker 4: mom was alive for fifteen years?

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Speaker 3: I doubt he knew that she worked in the medical field.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, anyway, did you just pull out Rodney dangerfield joke? No?

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Speaker 2: The mom doctor one about so say it again for

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Speaker 2: the people in the back.

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Speaker 3: The doctor walks in and says, I can't operate on

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Speaker 3: this man. He's my son. How is that possible? Oh wait,

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Speaker 3: but he's not a man. Oh no, the doctor was

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Speaker 3: a woman. I forgot how to tell the joke.

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Speaker 2: Anyways, I'm confused, whatever, because she's a woman, and that's

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Speaker 2: the whole joke fact.

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Speaker 3: Oh but the doctor's not the father.

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Speaker 2: How is that possible because it's a mother.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you've never heard that joke.

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Speaker 2: Keep going. Top comments in a Haese, one says, my

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Speaker 2: husband is adopted. After she explained her situation at the time,

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Speaker 2: we were thankful she made the choice that she did.

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Speaker 2: It brought a lot of closure of the resentment he

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Speaker 2: had been carrying whole life. She is now an active

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Speaker 2: part of our family. The Caz says, I would recommend

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Speaker 2: against trying to picture what it would be like. I

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Speaker 2: think doing so is likely to set you up for disappointment.

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Speaker 2: That's true because disappointment is the result of unmet expectations.

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Speaker 2: The meeting can go one of nearly an infinite number

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Speaker 2: of different ways, and your imagination can't possibly think of

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Speaker 2: all of them. If you do decide to meet her,

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Speaker 2: I suggest that you have a goal in mind for yourself.

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Speaker 2: What do you want to get out of the meeting

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Speaker 2: for yourself? Also, try to make the goal be something

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Speaker 2: you have control over. For example, making the goal she

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Speaker 2: loves me isn't a good goal since you have no

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Speaker 2: control over that. A goal of something like I want

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Speaker 2: to hear what she has to say and then share

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Speaker 2: how I've been feeling my whole life is something you

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Speaker 2: can control. What she does as a reaction to this

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Speaker 2: is outside of your control, but whether or not you

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Speaker 2: tell her is within it.

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Speaker 3: That's a good comment, very therapy speak comment right there.

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Speaker 2: Me agree. I agree with comment. Lieutenant Mister President says

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Speaker 2: my best would be listened to yourself first and foremost.

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Speaker 2: Having strong feelings towards someone you've never really met is

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Speaker 2: perfectly normal when it's a family member, and talking about

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Speaker 2: all of your feelings, positive and negative, seems the best stance.

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Speaker 2: Gino Flower says adoptee here. I think it's really easy

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Speaker 2: to assume things about our birth parents, and it's quite

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Speaker 2: likely that even your biodad didn't have the full story

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Speaker 2: about her. I'm not saying she was perfect and that

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Speaker 2: her story absolves her from all blame. I'm just saying

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Speaker 2: that you don't know that yet. I met my bio

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Speaker 2: mom and it helped in a lot of ways and

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Speaker 2: made some other things more complicated, but I don't regret

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Speaker 2: a single part of it. You get to make all

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Speaker 2: the rules about any relationship going forward and establish whatever

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Speaker 2: boundaries you need if you decide to do it, and

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Speaker 2: only you know if it's the best decision for you,

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Speaker 2: and if it is, when go in with an open mind,

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Speaker 2: at the very least you can get more info about

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Speaker 2: who you are and where you came from. And there

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Speaker 2: is an update from seventy days.

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Speaker 3: Seventy days later add the specific was probably all better

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Speaker 3: and I'm going to do it one more time ready.

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Speaker 3: A father and son were in an accident. The doctor

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Speaker 3: looks at the boy and says, I can't operate on him.

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Speaker 3: This man's my son.

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Speaker 2: How is that possible? You know?

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Speaker 4: They eight third time was a charm.

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Speaker 2: But thank you, honeybee.

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Speaker 3: That's uh all right, But this boy is my son,

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Speaker 3: I said, this man.

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Speaker 2: But do you get the point? You get? See it's

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Speaker 2: really funny.

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Speaker 3: Okay, uh, I think that you should go meet your mom.

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Speaker 2: The joke is that I didn't expect her to be

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Speaker 2: a woman.

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Speaker 3: Well I was a child at the time. Joke in

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Speaker 3: the early two thousands, no one expected women to be doctors.

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Speaker 2: That was that.

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Speaker 3: I don't know why. That's why I was Okay, any who,

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Speaker 3: I'm a doctor. I'm trying. Dakota won't let it go.

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Speaker 3: I'm literally trying to.

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Speaker 2: Talk about it.

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Speaker 3: Idea unbelievable. So anyway, I think that you should go

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Speaker 3: meet your mom, and that's my whole thought.

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Speaker 2: Let's get to you. I think those comments were pretty

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Speaker 2: so first I want to thank all of you. Your

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Speaker 2: comments were really helpful, and a special thank you to

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Speaker 2: everyone who advised me to forgive and meet her. I

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Speaker 2: asked my aunt to arrange a meeting in a quiet

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Speaker 2: public place. The moment I met her, I felt like

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Speaker 2: I would collapse. My emotions were everywhere deep down. I

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Speaker 2: just wanted to huger and cry, but I kept my cool.

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Speaker 2: She looked nervous and holding back tears. After some small talk,

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Speaker 2: I finally asked, why didn't you want me, Why didn't

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Speaker 2: you ever reach out, and why are you doing it now?

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Speaker 2: I told her that even though my dad gave me

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Speaker 2: a beautiful life, I always felt something was missing. I

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00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,680
Speaker 2: grew up believing my mom had passed away, and finding

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00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,400
Speaker 2: out she was alive filled me with anger and confusion.

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Speaker 2: Anger and confusion. You should have levied at your father,

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Speaker 2: for I don't know lying to you about that your

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Speaker 2: whole life.

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Speaker 4: Again, it was from a certain point of view.

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Speaker 3: I also don't think that OPI is saying that I

231
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Speaker 3: was angry and confused at you. He just said. It

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Speaker 3: filled me with anger and confusion.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but I would be again teen anyone else there

234
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Speaker 2: with Uh, don't lie to your child about their parents

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Speaker 2: being not alive.

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Speaker 4: He pulled the the Obi wan, telling Luke Skywalker, that

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Speaker 4: is that darth Vader ended his father's life.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, but this is guy's mom's, not darth Vader.

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Speaker 4: Maybe maybe when she tried to give.

240
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Speaker 3: Up her adoption, darth Vader was a woman.

241
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Speaker 2: Since then, I pushed myself to be the best at everything,

242
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Speaker 2: maybe to prove it wasn't my fault she abandoned me.

243
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,679
Speaker 2: She broke down and told me her story. She had

244
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Speaker 2: been the golden child, with her whole future planned, and

245
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Speaker 2: getting pregnant destroyed her world. She couldn't face her parents,

246
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Speaker 2: and since she barely knew my dad, she chose adoption.

247
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Speaker 2: But when she told him, he said he couldn't let

248
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Speaker 2: a stranger raise me, so he took me. She buried

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Speaker 2: herself in school, convincing herself that when she becomes successful,

250
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Speaker 2: she'd come back. But she had always postponed it until

251
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Speaker 2: she believed it was too late. She followed my life

252
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Speaker 2: through family posts, and when she had another child. The

253
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Speaker 2: guilt consumed her. She finally told her family and reached

254
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Speaker 2: out to my dad, but he told her I believed

255
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:11,520
Speaker 2: she was passed away, and after I know she's alive,

256
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,480
Speaker 2: I didn't want contact. That broke her, but she respected

257
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,240
Speaker 2: it still. She never stopped checking on me. Seeing me

258
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:21,040
Speaker 2: at the hospital was unbearable. She knew I recognized her,

259
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Speaker 2: even as I pretended not to, and that was the

260
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Speaker 2: moment she realized she couldn't stay silent anymore. When she

261
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,280
Speaker 2: finished talking, I just sat there. I didn't even know

262
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,360
Speaker 2: what to say. I felt lighter now I knew the truth.

263
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,040
Speaker 2: She didn't expect forgiveness, but she wanted me to know

264
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Speaker 2: she was here if I ever wanted her in my life.

265
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Speaker 2: She just wanted a chance. I wanted to leave, but

266
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Speaker 2: I told her I wanted that chance. I wanted to

267
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Speaker 2: get to know her, but at my own pace. I

268
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Speaker 2: also said I'd like to keep these meetings just between

269
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Speaker 2: us for now. She agreed right away, no pressure, just

270
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Speaker 2: whenever I'm ready. After that day, we started texting, just

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00:12:55,679 --> 00:12:59,280
Speaker 2: simple check ins. Then we met once or twice a week. Slowly,

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Speaker 2: I told her about my childhood and my life now,

273
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Speaker 2: and she shared her side too, her family, her siblings,

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Speaker 2: her daughters. It felt strange at the beginning, but slowly

275
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Speaker 2: it became easier. The sure is how do we feel everybody?

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Speaker 3: I'm good, I mean, op he must have so many

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Speaker 3: mixed feelings about his dad, who has passed away and

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Speaker 3: clearly was obviously very important in his life because he

279
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Speaker 3: was his dad and the old parent that he had.

280
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Speaker 3: But to find out that your mom wanted to be

281
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Speaker 3: in your life but then kind of step back because

282
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Speaker 3: his dad said no.

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Speaker 2: Like you know, op, he doesn't know that you exist,

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Speaker 2: it would be pretty pretty devastating. Yeah, I think, uh,

285
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Speaker 2: probably not the best move on the dad's part.

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Speaker 3: No, I don't think so at all. But obviously, you know,

287
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,160
Speaker 3: mixed feelings because this guy's passed away, so I can't

288
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,240
Speaker 3: imagine how Opie, you know, is dealing with that. I

289
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,120
Speaker 3: love that he and his mom are having this chance

290
00:13:56,160 --> 00:14:00,840
Speaker 3: to reconnect. But yeah, very very tough. But hey, don't

291
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,960
Speaker 3: lie to your kids about their parents being alive or not.

292
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Speaker 3: It's not helpful for them.

293
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,920
Speaker 2: That's right. So let's finish this story. Two weeks ago,

294
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Speaker 2: I went to her house for the first time. I

295
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,720
Speaker 2: met her family and her husband was very welcoming, and

296
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,040
Speaker 2: her daughters were lovely and excited to meet me. It

297
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,320
Speaker 2: felt a bit strange at first, but also warm in

298
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,880
Speaker 2: a way I didn't expect. And today she told me

299
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,760
Speaker 2: that her parents want to meet me. They're inviting me

300
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,960
Speaker 2: this Sunday to their house so I can meet them

301
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,200
Speaker 2: and the rest of the family. Even though I don't

302
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,600
Speaker 2: fully feel like a family member yet, I still feel

303
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,520
Speaker 2: some anger and jealousy, especially when I see her with

304
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,640
Speaker 2: her kids. But I'm glad for everything that has happened

305
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,320
Speaker 2: so far. I just hope it keeps getting better from here.

306
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:42,200
Speaker 2: And there's some more comments. Spokeswoman says her kids are

307
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,000
Speaker 2: your half siblings. They might feel anger and jealousy too.

308
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,440
Speaker 2: You're not the only one with feelings. I hope you'll

309
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,520
Speaker 2: try to embrace your new family eventually, slowly is fine.

310
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Speaker 2: Try to let this expand your heart. And who couldn't

311
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,960
Speaker 2: use another set of grandparents. Ope, he replies, I know

312
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,440
Speaker 2: they are my siblings, and I like them. They are

313
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,040
Speaker 2: lovely and and they seem excited and happy to know me.

314
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,960
Speaker 2: The anger and jealousy are my own feelings that I'm

315
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,440
Speaker 2: dealing with myself and trying to like go of of course,

316
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,640
Speaker 2: I'm not showing my siblings these feelings or making them

317
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,320
Speaker 2: feel bad. And that's the end of that story. I've

318
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,600
Speaker 2: gotta love capping it off with just a comment being

319
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,080
Speaker 2: unnecessarily aggressive.

320
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:17,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, like, why are you feeling bad?

321
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:18,360
Speaker 2: Comment?

322
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:21,080
Speaker 3: Why do you feel angry and bad?

323
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,080
Speaker 2: You shouldn't do that. No, it was just like her kids.

324
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,840
Speaker 2: You mean, you're half siblings. It's like they are nice,

325
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:32,200
Speaker 2: but it's also like they're her kids and my half siblings.

326
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,960
Speaker 3: Oh piece, just going through a lot of emotions. Yeah,

327
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,160
Speaker 3: very rightfully so, and is handling it a lot better

328
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:39,720
Speaker 3: than most people would so.

329
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Speaker 2: Better than that commenter would have. Yeah, I think I

330
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,000
Speaker 2: think you're doingp That's the end of that story, and

331
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,720
Speaker 2: I like it. I like that. I like where we're at.

332
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:53,600
Speaker 2: Me too, Take it slow, That's all I got to

333
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,920
Speaker 2: say about that. I agree. I'm not the expert. I'm

334
00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,360
Speaker 2: just I'm just a primate. But that's the end of

335
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,040
Speaker 2: that story.

336
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:05,960
Speaker 3: I'm done being my sister's savior, all right, Jesus. My

337
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,000
Speaker 3: sister thirty nine female came into my life when I

338
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:12,360
Speaker 3: forty Female was a kid. She was a distantly related

339
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,640
Speaker 3: cousin that I was vaguely aware of by name, but

340
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,200
Speaker 3: it never met I didn't know it at the time,

341
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,720
Speaker 3: but her parents were difficult and controlling. By the way,

342
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,360
Speaker 3: this comes from Sister Coolbye bye, and if you want

343
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,000
Speaker 3: to spend your own stories, go to the r slash

344
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,080
Speaker 3: Okay storytime Separated.

345
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:30,240
Speaker 2: I'm Sophia, I'm Dakota, and I'm Keon and Ohpi.

346
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:34,080
Speaker 3: Says we were pretty inseparable. I was an only child, pudgy,

347
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,880
Speaker 3: quiet and introverted, and she was the center of attention

348
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,640
Speaker 3: with athletics and jokes. Even now, she's still hilarious to

349
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,760
Speaker 3: be around. Everyone around us commented that we were separated

350
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,160
Speaker 3: at birth. I won't get into what led to her

351
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:51,920
Speaker 3: adoption because it's highly identifying. Let's just say her parents

352
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,400
Speaker 3: were problematic and it left some baggage. At one point,

353
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,880
Speaker 3: her biological father even took her without permission from a

354
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:02,800
Speaker 3: public place, though it was short lived because he realized

355
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:06,040
Speaker 3: the legal consequences. We had a lot of good times

356
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,680
Speaker 3: and a lot of rough times. She eventually ran away

357
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,720
Speaker 3: when she was near adulthood and we lost touch. I

358
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:14,600
Speaker 3: had moved across the country for college, and one day

359
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,919
Speaker 3: I got a phone call and it was her she

360
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,840
Speaker 3: was crying and in a difficult relationship situation. I dropped

361
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,040
Speaker 3: what I was doing and flew across the country to

362
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,240
Speaker 3: get her. I wasn't well off, but I had some

363
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,119
Speaker 3: savings that I used to set her up in a

364
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,960
Speaker 3: new place and helped her get a job. She immediately

365
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,200
Speaker 3: got a new boyfriend and remarried.

366
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:36,440
Speaker 2: Ah, very thank you. Next WHOA.

367
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:41,160
Speaker 3: The pattern repeated, except with babies involved. Now, her relationships

368
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,359
Speaker 3: kept failing due to infidelity.

369
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:44,800
Speaker 2: I helped her again.

370
00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:48,040
Speaker 3: This time I was living alone with my first nice house.

371
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,520
Speaker 3: It was small, but I moved her and her three

372
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,800
Speaker 3: kids in. She started going out frequently. I was helping

373
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,479
Speaker 3: with her kids and working. Finally, I told her she

374
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,959
Speaker 3: needed to get therapy. I'd pay for it. She agreed

375
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,679
Speaker 3: and met a nice guy there. They got married. Baby

376
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,760
Speaker 3: number four and five happened. They were poor but happy,

377
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,200
Speaker 3: and I was glad for her. They made it through

378
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:12,600
Speaker 3: college and things had just started looking up. Then there

379
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,200
Speaker 3: was a tragedy that took her husband, mine.

380
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,480
Speaker 2: And one of her children.

381
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:22,520
Speaker 3: It was a really dark time. Her husband, yours, and

382
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:23,760
Speaker 3: one of their children.

383
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:28,080
Speaker 2: Oh just makes you think, like, well, it can always

384
00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:30,400
Speaker 2: be worse. Oh, that's awful.

385
00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:34,479
Speaker 3: She started going out again, met a new man. The

386
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:38,760
Speaker 3: pattern repeated with more relationship problems and instability. Our family

387
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,479
Speaker 3: was frustrated with her from moving on so quickly and

388
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,120
Speaker 3: exposing her kids to this instability.

389
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:46,920
Speaker 2: Oh did anybody be like, you need to go to therapy?

390
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,480
Speaker 2: I mean, you should maybe try therapy.

391
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:54,000
Speaker 3: Clearly like she's traumatized and going through this very very

392
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,760
Speaker 3: difficult time after losing a child and her husband. You know,

393
00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,720
Speaker 3: I do think that there is a little bit of

394
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,479
Speaker 3: great to be given. This isn't just like how it

395
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,400
Speaker 3: was before, where she was going to, you know, terrible

396
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,200
Speaker 3: partner to terrible partner. This is she just went through

397
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,240
Speaker 3: a traumatic experience and is now responding to that. So

398
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:14,359
Speaker 3: it is a little bit of a different situation. I

399
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:17,200
Speaker 3: offered to pay for therapy again. She went, but quit

400
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,360
Speaker 3: midway through because she was moving on to.

401
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:23,000
Speaker 2: A new man again. We did this repeatedly. Read it.

402
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,400
Speaker 3: I can't tell you how many times I've helped her

403
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,720
Speaker 3: and my nieces and nephews, they're all struggling. I pay

404
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,639
Speaker 3: for therapy for them. Our parents are deceased now, and

405
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,399
Speaker 3: most of our family won't deal with her anymore. The

406
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:38,400
Speaker 3: breaking point she was struggling financially. I offered to help

407
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,960
Speaker 3: her one more time because they were going to be homeless.

408
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,359
Speaker 3: I had just bought a new home and hadn't sold

409
00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:45,439
Speaker 3: my old one. I let her live in it rent

410
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:48,439
Speaker 3: free so she could regroup, got her a new job,

411
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,560
Speaker 3: paid for more therapy for her. I've never stopped for

412
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,520
Speaker 3: the kids. I only asked that she make repairs and

413
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,120
Speaker 3: not move in any men, and if that was too much,

414
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,840
Speaker 3: I'd let her live there long enough for her to

415
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,200
Speaker 3: regroup and move out. She of course moved some guy in.

416
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,520
Speaker 3: I started getting calls from my old neighbors complaining about

417
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:08,560
Speaker 3: loud arguments. I don't live in her area anymore, so

418
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,000
Speaker 3: I was trying to deal with all this at a distance.

419
00:20:11,359 --> 00:20:13,479
Speaker 3: She called me upset one day because she and her

420
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,560
Speaker 3: boyfriend had gotten into serious trouble and they were both

421
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,760
Speaker 3: facing legal consequences. I took off work, came and got

422
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,320
Speaker 3: all her kids. I had them for a year while

423
00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:26,640
Speaker 3: she sorted things out. When she was granted her children back,

424
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:30,080
Speaker 3: I found out she was still with the same problematic boyfriend,

425
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,080
Speaker 3: but claimed it was okay because they were in counseling.

426
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:37,320
Speaker 3: They had damaged my house significantly with arguments, pets, and

427
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:41,359
Speaker 3: poor maintenance. I finally said that I couldn't do this anymore.

428
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,160
Speaker 3: I know she's struggling and I love her despite everything,

429
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,720
Speaker 3: but she's never going to be able to repay the repairs.

430
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:51,320
Speaker 3: I told her I felt use and disrespected, and she

431
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,760
Speaker 3: told me I was making her unfortunate life about me

432
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,879
Speaker 3: and that I wasn't giving her a fair chance. You

433
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,359
Speaker 3: have given her more than enough. You've given her way

434
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,360
Speaker 3: more than those people, including your family, have given her.

435
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,520
Speaker 3: You're yeah, you don't have to give her anything.

436
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,359
Speaker 2: That was that line about She said, you're making my

437
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:11,280
Speaker 2: unfair life about you. That's what she said. Yeah, everyone's

438
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:15,840
Speaker 2: life is unfair to certain degrees. Unfortunate life at unfortunate.

439
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,280
Speaker 2: Everyone's got unfortunate events. This person had a lot, but

440
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,960
Speaker 2: then weaponizing it, hey, weaponizing it against the person who's

441
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:24,920
Speaker 2: helping you more than anyone else on earth.

442
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,919
Speaker 3: And also kind of oh he lost her partner in

443
00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:29,120
Speaker 3: that same incident.

444
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, So to say like.

445
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,840
Speaker 3: You're you know, you're not caring about my life when

446
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,919
Speaker 3: ope's been through a lot of hardship and still helped.

447
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:41,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, it just sounds like ultimate victim mentality. Yeah,

448
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,760
Speaker 2: it's like that. Actually, I'm the only one allowed to

449
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:44,280
Speaker 2: be a victim.

450
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,159
Speaker 3: Yeah, I had to legally evict the boyfriend because he

451
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:50,119
Speaker 3: became threatening towards me while I was there trying to

452
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,600
Speaker 3: assess damage and also behaved inappropriately. She opted to leave

453
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,879
Speaker 3: with him and is telling everyone who will listen that

454
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,800
Speaker 3: I threw her and her kids out. I'm just tired.

455
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,600
Speaker 3: In the past two years alone, I've spent ten k

456
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,720
Speaker 3: on her problems, not including the countless hours of work

457
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,439
Speaker 3: and just plain worry. I'm worried for the kids, but

458
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:09,679
Speaker 3: I have my own family now, and the weight of

459
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,200
Speaker 3: both is overwhelming me. My sister is a wonderful person,

460
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,040
Speaker 3: despite how I've painted her. I could call her right now,

461
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,679
Speaker 3: even though we've exchanged some harsh words, and she'd be

462
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,280
Speaker 3: at my door. She volunteers. My spouse says she's only

463
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,879
Speaker 3: great on the outside because she needs that goodwill to

464
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,880
Speaker 3: keep people helping her, And now I'm wondering if he's right.

465
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,000
Speaker 3: She's told me she's jealous of my stability and that's

466
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,720
Speaker 3: why she acts out towards me sometimes. But I didn't

467
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:36,560
Speaker 3: just luck into a decent life. I've worked hard for it,

468
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,919
Speaker 3: and I've always been willing to share with her. She

469
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,760
Speaker 3: doesn't know it, but as soon as I have my

470
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,480
Speaker 3: keys to my house back, I'm cutting her off. I

471
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,600
Speaker 3: just feel bad because I'm the last family she has.

472
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:50,200
Speaker 3: Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm abandoning someone

473
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,879
Speaker 3: who still has a chance to turn things around. And

474
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:59,040
Speaker 3: there are some comments and I think an update, but

475
00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:00,000
Speaker 3: do you have any thoughts?

476
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,520
Speaker 2: I mean, there comes a point where in the process

477
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,119
Speaker 2: of wanting to help somebody, you've kind of done all

478
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,040
Speaker 2: that you can.

479
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,480
Speaker 3: Do, well, they start dragging you under.

480
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:14,440
Speaker 2: Right, and then and then not only the like any

481
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:17,560
Speaker 2: any further. It just becomes like kind of an enabling

482
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:22,280
Speaker 2: of this continued bad behavior. And then also, yeah, like

483
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 2: exactly what you said, it's you're risking now your own

484
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:30,119
Speaker 2: well being. Yeah, and it's you know, Gillian C. In

485
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,239
Speaker 2: the comments puts it very well. You can't some You

486
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,160
Speaker 2: can't help someone who won't help themselves.

487
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's stuck in this cycle, and you know it

488
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:41,680
Speaker 3: makes sense because she's been through a lot. But there's

489
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,040
Speaker 3: not much else you can.

490
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,359
Speaker 2: Do to help her. Maybe try I don't know if

491
00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:50,280
Speaker 2: you've done group therapy with her, because like there's certainly

492
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:53,480
Speaker 2: one thing that will never help in therapy, and it's lying.

493
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,280
Speaker 2: And for a lot of people when therapy, I mean

494
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,720
Speaker 2: there's people who just talk therapy as therapy just doesn't

495
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,640
Speaker 2: help as much sometimes whatever. But it's like, if you're

496
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,840
Speaker 2: just actively lying about stuff to your therapist, you it'll

497
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,640
Speaker 2: never it'll never actually help you. And so maybe if

498
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,439
Speaker 2: you guys go together, you can have more of an

499
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:13,160
Speaker 2: ability to be like, well, here's how I saw that situation. Yeah,

500
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,960
Speaker 2: if you were, you know, but I don't even know

501
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 2: how connected you guys are because you want you're not

502
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,280
Speaker 2: really living with her. She's living in a yeah, the

503
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:22,800
Speaker 2: house that you own, but you're not really there. So

504
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,399
Speaker 2: I do worry about the kids though, hope they're okay.

505
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:28,440
Speaker 3: But there are some comments common one, it's not your

506
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,760
Speaker 3: responsibility to fix her, especially if she's not willing to

507
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,000
Speaker 3: fix herself. OPI says, you see, I know this, but

508
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,080
Speaker 3: it's hard watching a loved one tank, which is why

509
00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:41,000
Speaker 3: I don't plan to watch it this time. Deleting Facebook

510
00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:44,359
Speaker 3: blocking numbers. Reply says you are a big part of

511
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:47,160
Speaker 3: the problem. You are enabling her bad behavior and she's

512
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:50,000
Speaker 3: never going to learn unless you tell her no. Also,

513
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:54,000
Speaker 3: your spouse is absolutely right. She does exactly enough and

514
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,320
Speaker 3: acts just the right way to get people to do

515
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:59,280
Speaker 3: what she wants. She's manipulating you. It's more or less

516
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 3: a survival skill and coping strategy left over from when

517
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,200
Speaker 3: she was being mistreated as a child. Unfortunately, she never

518
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:10,000
Speaker 3: learned any new survival skills because her whole family continually

519
00:25:10,119 --> 00:25:12,919
Speaker 3: rescues her. What's the point in growing as a person

520
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,040
Speaker 3: if you get constant reinforcement from everyone around you that

521
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:19,639
Speaker 3: it's okay. In fact, her whole string of harmful boyfriends

522
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,800
Speaker 3: are just leftovers from her childhood. Even if she knows

523
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,600
Speaker 3: on a high level that having a harmful boyfriend is bad,

524
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,959
Speaker 3: it still feels right because that's what she grew up around.

525
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,439
Speaker 3: It's the only way she knows how to relate to

526
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,320
Speaker 3: and interact with men. It was burned into her brain

527
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,719
Speaker 3: at such a young age. It doesn't matter if her

528
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,840
Speaker 3: adopted parents were the perfect couple or not. She's been conditioned.

529
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,360
Speaker 3: You are never going to be capable of fixing her,

530
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 3: rescuing her, or getting her to understand what she's doing wrong.

531
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:49,119
Speaker 3: You throwing money, time, sweat, and tears into it is

532
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,400
Speaker 3: just dragging you down with the sinking ship. It's time

533
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,639
Speaker 3: for you to spend that counseling money on yourself. Specifically,

534
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,480
Speaker 3: you need to have your counselor coach you out of

535
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,200
Speaker 3: your codependence. You also need to be coached on to

536
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:03,919
Speaker 3: set boundaries. And Comment two says, wait did your husband pass?

537
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,440
Speaker 3: You've been dealing with your own personal grieving while also

538
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,760
Speaker 3: trying to take care of her crap. You've done more

539
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,560
Speaker 3: than enough for her, and now she's disrespecting you by

540
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:15,320
Speaker 3: bad bouthing you. I'd say, cut your losses and cut contact.

541
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,920
Speaker 3: That's so unbelievably unfair. It sounds like you're in therapy though,

542
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 3: so I hope you're taking care of yourself. Best of

543
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,320
Speaker 3: luck in the future. And OP says, yes, didn't mean

544
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:26,680
Speaker 3: to gloss over it, but this was getting long. This

545
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:30,720
Speaker 3: mess spans over most of our lives. I've since remarried.

546
00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,200
Speaker 3: And comment three says what will happen with the kids

547
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:33,920
Speaker 3: if you cut her off?

548
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:34,200
Speaker 2: Though?

549
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 3: And oh P says no idea, that's the bad part

550
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:41,120
Speaker 3: and there is an update but ooof Yeah, you've gone

551
00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:44,000
Speaker 3: through a lot. If you can get the kids out

552
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,240
Speaker 3: of there, but I mean, it would be pretty hard

553
00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,720
Speaker 3: legally to do that, But I think you know, put

554
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 3: yourself first, get yourself what you need, because she's taken

555
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:54,280
Speaker 3: too much.

556
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just an untenable situation. It's honestly way above

557
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,960
Speaker 2: my ability to advise anybody on. Yeah, I'm trying to

558
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,600
Speaker 2: think a lot of you know, you gotta look after

559
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:07,200
Speaker 2: yourself first, and it's not like you haven't tried. Yeah,

560
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 2: but guilt makes us feel funny, especially.

561
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,159
Speaker 3: With the kids involved. Yeah, it's hard, it's hard to

562
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,440
Speaker 3: fully let go. But there is an update. This ended

563
00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:19,199
Speaker 3: up being a mess. The day after I made this

564
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,800
Speaker 3: post was her final day to be gone from my house.

565
00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:24,280
Speaker 3: On that very day, she and her boyfriend had a

566
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:27,800
Speaker 3: massive fight. The children ended up in my care temporarily.

567
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:30,480
Speaker 3: She wouldn't say what happened, even though it was obvious

568
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,520
Speaker 3: to everyone involved. The authorities allowed us to move all

569
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,000
Speaker 3: of her stuff back to my house. I didn't really

570
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,240
Speaker 3: know what else to do at that point. I won't

571
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:40,440
Speaker 3: bore you all with the details because none of the

572
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,879
Speaker 3: matter now. Because there wasn't enough evidence about what happened

573
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:48,040
Speaker 3: to my sister. Her boyfriend didn't face serious consequences. She

574
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,719
Speaker 3: was allowed to take her children back after a few months.

575
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,240
Speaker 3: One of her children now resides with his father. The

576
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,760
Speaker 3: father went to court and got custody of him. My

577
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,600
Speaker 3: nephew is little supervision, and rumor has it that his

578
00:27:58,600 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 3: girlfriend is pregnant.

579
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:01,320
Speaker 2: Ooh.

580
00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:04,240
Speaker 3: My oldest niece started acting out because who's going to

581
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,840
Speaker 3: stopp her? She recently had to deal with an unplanned

582
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:09,720
Speaker 3: pregnancy and is angry at the world. One of the

583
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,479
Speaker 3: younger ones has become withdrawn because my sister moved her

584
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:17,560
Speaker 3: boyfriend back into my house. Don't let them, it's your house.

585
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,120
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, but then what happens? Then they're just homeless.

586
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,240
Speaker 2: It's like it's an unwinnable situation.

587
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,640
Speaker 3: Soon after his return, one of the children was injured.

588
00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:28,800
Speaker 3: I evicted them and I've officially cut them off because

589
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:31,359
Speaker 3: nothing I can do will help her and I can't

590
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,760
Speaker 3: save my nieces and nephews. My sister became very upset,

591
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:38,000
Speaker 3: said I was selfish and abandoning her children, all because

592
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,680
Speaker 3: she made an adult decision to work on a relationship.

593
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:46,040
Speaker 2: Oh shut up, girl, shut up. That's exhausting, straight up exhausting.

594
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:46,600
Speaker 2: To stop it.

595
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:51,040
Speaker 3: She's called me terrible names, mostly attacking my race and

596
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:54,480
Speaker 3: telling me that I was only successful because of government assistance.

597
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:55,479
Speaker 2: Wow.

598
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:59,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, I incredibly hypocritical. So there's just not really any

599
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:03,760
Speaker 3: point in less to what she says, because it's coming

600
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:08,479
Speaker 3: from a place of, you know, intense self loathing and

601
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:11,600
Speaker 3: she sees you doing better than her and knows that

602
00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 3: she's at fault for a lot of the things that

603
00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:16,720
Speaker 3: have happened in her life. And so she's putting that

604
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:17,040
Speaker 3: on you.

605
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:20,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, telling the mom, telling you that you're abandoning her kids.

606
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, when you've offered a place to say as long

607
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 3: as she doesn't invite this terrible man over.

608
00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, when you quite literally have the only one not

609
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,600
Speaker 2: abandoning them. Yeah.

610
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:33,040
Speaker 3: But there is a little bit left to this story.

611
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:37,720
Speaker 3: It's ironic because she's on every program she's eligible for. Well,

612
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,760
Speaker 3: I've never even qualified for them. I did get scholarships

613
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,120
Speaker 3: for maintaining a four point zero, but I worked full

614
00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:45,600
Speaker 3: time through college to make sure everything worked out. And

615
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 3: while she can pass for white, she's not actually white.

616
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 3: She's just trying to hurt me now and I can't

617
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 3: allow it. She damaged my house significantly before she left.

618
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 3: The destruction was extensive. She also left the utilities running

619
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:01,000
Speaker 3: to make the bills that were in my name enormous,

620
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,840
Speaker 3: so I'll give her one thing. She might struggle with

621
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:07,560
Speaker 3: everything else, but she's effective at burning bridges. And that's

622
00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:08,920
Speaker 3: the end of that story.

623
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:09,760
Speaker 2: Yeah.

624
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:13,240
Speaker 3: Well, I mean, I think it's just cut her off

625
00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:15,440
Speaker 3: because you've done everything that you can for these kids

626
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:18,440
Speaker 3: and for her, and they, you know, can't help them.

627
00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:20,880
Speaker 2: Silver lining is maybe the kids will be really funny

628
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,960
Speaker 2: because it's get up dynamic and that usually makes the

629
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:30,480
Speaker 2: funniest people. Maybe they'll be funny. Maybe, But good luck

630
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:34,120
Speaker 2: to the children and to everyone involved. Yeah, in that story.

631
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:37,080
Speaker 3: That's the end of it, though, And there's one more story,

632
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:40,120
Speaker 3: and we're gonna get to that in a moment. Yeah,

633
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:43,280
Speaker 3: I mean, people of you know, people are taking advantage

634
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:45,520
Speaker 3: of all of your kindness. You gotta at a certain point,

635
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,880
Speaker 3: you gotta set boundaries for yourself of what you're willing

636
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:53,840
Speaker 3: to you know, where you're drawing the line, because otherwise

637
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:55,320
Speaker 3: they just keep taken and taken.

638
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,560
Speaker 1: John Here, we're gonna get back to this juicy story,

639
00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:58,800
Speaker 1: but a quick three minute break.

640
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:02,120
Speaker 2: Of ads from our sponsors. My husband is going crazy

641
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:07,840
Speaker 2: over adopting my niece. He's obsessed. My husband Darren twenty

642
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:11,000
Speaker 2: nine male and I thirty two female, have been married

643
00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:14,880
Speaker 2: for nearly four years. We have two children together, Kara

644
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:19,000
Speaker 2: six and Levi three. Recently, my husband has been bugging

645
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:21,560
Speaker 2: me about having more children, but I had a particularly

646
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 2: hard and traumatizing pregnancy and birth with our son, so

647
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,920
Speaker 2: he's thrown the idea out there that we would adopt

648
00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:29,160
Speaker 2: in the future. By the way, this comes from user

649
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,480
Speaker 2: he knows other login and if you want to submit

650
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:33,560
Speaker 2: your own stories, go to the r slash Okay storytime

651
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,880
Speaker 2: subred it. I'm Dakota, I'm Sophia, I'm Riley, and op

652
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:40,640
Speaker 2: says now, I'm not opposed to adopting a child. I

653
00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 2: think it's a wonderful thing for people to undertake, and

654
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:46,080
Speaker 2: we're not unfamiliar with adoption as it is, since Darren

655
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:49,120
Speaker 2: actually adopted Kara when she was four years old. Her

656
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 2: biological father is not in the picture. However. Recently, one

657
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:56,120
Speaker 2: of my cousins, Caroline nineteen, gave birth to a little

658
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,880
Speaker 2: baby girl who's three weeks old. Caroline is one of

659
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:01,280
Speaker 2: these people who really he does not have any business

660
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:06,040
Speaker 2: having a child. She was diagnosed as mentally disabled, but

661
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:08,840
Speaker 2: the family has always had a strong feeling that fetal

662
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 2: Auchmachul syndrome was involved as well.

663
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 5: Yep, so real quick, I don't say uh EMR is

664
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:21,200
Speaker 5: an outdated and offensive term for a person with a

665
00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:26,680
Speaker 5: mild form of intellect disability, also known as intellectual development disorder.

666
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:28,360
Speaker 5: So yeah, we can say.

667
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:31,520
Speaker 2: That diagnosed with intellectual development disorder. But the family has

668
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 2: always had a strong feeling that fetal alcohol syndrome was

669
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 2: involved as well. Her boyfriend is in a similar boat.

670
00:32:37,680 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 2: Both have disabilities that make caring for a child full

671
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 2: time very difficult. The point being, Caroline is a super

672
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 2: sweet girl, and I have no qualms about letting her

673
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:48,560
Speaker 2: play with my children when other adults are around, but

674
00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:51,959
Speaker 2: she really is not suited for parenthood. My husband has

675
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:55,440
Speaker 2: recently gotten in his head that we would adopt Caroline's baby.

676
00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:58,720
Speaker 2: I've only seen the baby once, not from lack of trying,

677
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 2: just that Caroline can't drive and we only have one

678
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:04,120
Speaker 2: running car at the moment, which my husband has been

679
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:06,360
Speaker 2: taking to work. Not only that, but I feel that

680
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:09,800
Speaker 2: Caroline's parents, my uncle and aunt, both in their fifties,

681
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 2: would put up a real stink about us wanting the baby.

682
00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 2: I'm not saying we couldn't care for the baby. We

683
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 2: really could Darren makes plenty of money that I'm able

684
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 2: to stay home with our two children as it is,

685
00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 2: our house is pretty accommodating, and we're in a generally

686
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 2: good place. He is of the opinion that Caroline and

687
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,480
Speaker 2: her boyfriend will be deemed unfit parents and that the

688
00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,120
Speaker 2: baby will be lost to the system. While I'm not

689
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:35,880
Speaker 2: arguing that Caroline isn't the best parent to care for

690
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,240
Speaker 2: the child, I don't think her parents would let the

691
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 2: baby go. I'm about ninety five percent sure that they

692
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:44,200
Speaker 2: would take that baby and Razor, but he is adamant

693
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:46,480
Speaker 2: that we should adopt the baby so that she stays

694
00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:49,000
Speaker 2: in the family. The problem is, I know that if

695
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:51,120
Speaker 2: we were to take that baby in, it would upset

696
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:55,120
Speaker 2: the family, particularly Caroline and her parents. I do not

697
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:57,400
Speaker 2: want to cause an uproar in the family over that.

698
00:33:57,920 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 2: Am I wrong here? Or am I looking at this

699
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:03,640
Speaker 2: from the wrong angle? And comments? But yeah, it seems

700
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,040
Speaker 2: like every single thing that you've thought so far is

701
00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 2: an assumption.

702
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:10,080
Speaker 3: We's just just okay. But I'm just confused why he's

703
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:13,200
Speaker 3: assuming that they would have they would even be able

704
00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:17,320
Speaker 3: to adopt the kid, because presumably it would first even Okay,

705
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:21,240
Speaker 3: so first he's assuming that the parents would be deemed unfit.

706
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:24,879
Speaker 3: We don't know that. And then he's assuming that Caroline's

707
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:28,680
Speaker 3: parents wouldn't adopt the baby, and then that you guys

708
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:30,879
Speaker 3: would somehow be able to Like, that's not really how that.

709
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,799
Speaker 2: Wouldn't Caroline's parents be part of the family.

710
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,440
Speaker 3: Exactly, That's what I'm saying. I'm saying, like, why wouldn't

711
00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:40,680
Speaker 3: they go immediately to the parents, or why wouldn't the

712
00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 3: baby go immediately to the parents. I don't understand your

713
00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:48,040
Speaker 3: husband's logic here. So I feel, like Nita Nilsen says,

714
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:50,440
Speaker 3: I think this is a non issue unless slash until

715
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 3: it happens at all. Yes, exactly. I feel like the

716
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:56,880
Speaker 3: question here is one, do you want to adopt a child?

717
00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:00,759
Speaker 3: And then let's live in this hypothetical world where we

718
00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:05,400
Speaker 3: maybe you know, have the ability to adopt this child,

719
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:08,120
Speaker 3: because right now you don't. That's not an option right

720
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:10,800
Speaker 3: now at all. Yeah, So, like I guess it's just like,

721
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:12,960
Speaker 3: let's talk about do we want to adopt a kid,

722
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,520
Speaker 3: just as a hypothetically that's the only question here.

723
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:17,799
Speaker 2: Do we want a third kid?

724
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:18,240
Speaker 3: Yeah?

725
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:18,840
Speaker 2: Adopt?

726
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:21,879
Speaker 3: Nothing else is like even on the table yet.

727
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:26,400
Speaker 2: Yeah. Comments Number one, How is your husband envisioning this

728
00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:28,879
Speaker 2: will go exactly? For you? To get this child, your

729
00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:31,760
Speaker 2: cousin and her husband would both have to lose custody first,

730
00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:36,000
Speaker 2: which takes considerable time and multiple incidents. The child would

731
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,040
Speaker 2: go to foster care, likely with family members like the grandparents,

732
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:42,960
Speaker 2: who may step in immediately. The system prioritizes keeping children

733
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:47,400
Speaker 2: with parents through reunification efforts and support services for adults

734
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:51,320
Speaker 2: with developmental disabilities. Having capable relatives in the home often

735
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:55,360
Speaker 2: allows families to stay together unless parents voluntarily give up

736
00:35:55,400 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 2: their rights. Involuntary termination takes significant time. If the grandparents

737
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:02,760
Speaker 2: want custody, you'd have to fight them in court, plus

738
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,680
Speaker 2: potentially the father's family and other relatives. Courts typically favor

739
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:10,520
Speaker 2: closer family relatives. Even if you eventually won custody after

740
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:13,560
Speaker 2: spending considerable time and money, you'd have a child who

741
00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:16,920
Speaker 2: experienced trauma, been through the system, and may understand you

742
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:19,680
Speaker 2: played a role in separating her from her family. Why

743
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:22,440
Speaker 2: fight for a child who already has capable relatives who

744
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:24,799
Speaker 2: love her and are closer to her when there are

745
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:27,879
Speaker 2: countless children without family support who need homes. You could

746
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:31,080
Speaker 2: help your cousin parents successfully right now, or support the

747
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:34,200
Speaker 2: grandparents in raising the child. If you want to adopt

748
00:36:34,239 --> 00:36:37,320
Speaker 2: a child with special needs, many are available immediately without

749
00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:40,800
Speaker 2: creating family conflict. What makes you certain you're the best

750
00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:45,160
Speaker 2: option if Caroline loses custody. Mention to the grandparents that

751
00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:48,160
Speaker 2: you'd help if they can't. But right now you're hoping

752
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:51,920
Speaker 2: well intentioned people will fail at parenting to fulfill your

753
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:56,680
Speaker 2: adoption fantasy. People with developmental disabilities can successfully parent with

754
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,360
Speaker 2: proper support systems. Real quick.

755
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 5: I do wonder if you can have kids or of

756
00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:05,560
Speaker 5: you know, the husband, if you guys can already have

757
00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:07,920
Speaker 5: two kids, already have two kids, and they want a third.

758
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:11,120
Speaker 3: But oh he can't have a biological kid because of

759
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:14,359
Speaker 3: previous birth experience, okay with their son.

760
00:37:14,719 --> 00:37:18,040
Speaker 5: So I just want to get the deeper perspective from

761
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:19,439
Speaker 5: the husband, That's what I want.

762
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,040
Speaker 3: Well, that's the question. It's like, why does he specifically

763
00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:25,560
Speaker 3: want this kid when they could talk about having, you know,

764
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,320
Speaker 3: adopting and another.

765
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:29,960
Speaker 5: Kid, yeah, yeah, or being like a baller uncle.

766
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:30,560
Speaker 2: Yeah.

767
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:32,560
Speaker 3: It just doesn't make sense why you would be so

768
00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:37,239
Speaker 3: insistent about a child that isn't like, you know, even

769
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:38,600
Speaker 3: an option right now?

770
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:41,719
Speaker 2: Well, I feel like the answer is that there's uh,

771
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:45,560
Speaker 2: you know, prejudice being levied at the parents. Yeah, absolutely,

772
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,480
Speaker 2: for you know, being disabled.

773
00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:49,640
Speaker 3: He's just making so many assumptions.

774
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:53,720
Speaker 2: But yeah, regardless of literally every other element of the story,

775
00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:56,319
Speaker 2: the fact that it's not just like a conversation of like,

776
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 2: do we want to do this? Instead it's being like, oh,

777
00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:00,319
Speaker 2: we need to do this, we have to do that.

778
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:04,400
Speaker 2: It doesn't make any sense. You can't just unilaterally decide

779
00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:07,120
Speaker 2: to add a child into your family. It needs to be.

780
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:11,600
Speaker 3: Decide to steal that child from their family.

781
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:15,080
Speaker 2: Regardless, like like ignoring the fact that you also do

782
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:18,719
Speaker 2: not have rights to just do this in the first place. Like,

783
00:38:19,239 --> 00:38:22,319
Speaker 2: this isn't a one sided no, I'm saying this, so

784
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:26,120
Speaker 2: this is how what we should do kind of decision. Agreed,

785
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:29,359
Speaker 2: Your husband is living in a fantasy. If you want

786
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:32,239
Speaker 2: to adopt, start the process with available children or become

787
00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:35,600
Speaker 2: foster parents now so you're certified if needed. The only

788
00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:38,400
Speaker 2: way this works without massive heartache is if both parents

789
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:42,680
Speaker 2: voluntarily terminate their rights. Ask them directly. If they refuse,

790
00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:46,120
Speaker 2: drop it, and pursue legitimate adoption channels instead of counting

791
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:50,919
Speaker 2: on family failure. Opie replies, Caroline the mother already lives

792
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:53,200
Speaker 2: with her parents, and she's already been told she has

793
00:38:53,239 --> 00:38:56,359
Speaker 2: to attend parenting classes. Not sure who told her that

794
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:59,279
Speaker 2: family Grapevine and all that. They've been helping her as

795
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:01,239
Speaker 2: far as I know, but they can't be there all

796
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,760
Speaker 2: the time because they both work, and I don't want

797
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 2: Caroline to fail. It's just that, with past experience with her,

798
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,719
Speaker 2: I don't think she will get very far simply because

799
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:13,640
Speaker 2: of her lack of mental capacity. And you're right, we

800
00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:17,279
Speaker 2: don't know that fas was ever in play. It's just

801
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,799
Speaker 2: always been assumed because Caroline's birth mother was and still

802
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:23,520
Speaker 2: is a heavy drinker, even when my uncle was married

803
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,160
Speaker 2: to her, main reason for their divorce if I recall correctly.

804
00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:29,840
Speaker 2: And I haven't made any mention of her boyfriend's family

805
00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:32,040
Speaker 2: because well, I've never met them. I don't know the

806
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:33,880
Speaker 2: first thing about any of them. I've only met her

807
00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:36,320
Speaker 2: boyfriend once, so I don't know what kind of support

808
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:38,520
Speaker 2: system he really has exactly. That's the thing, you guys

809
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:41,879
Speaker 2: don't know anything personally. I'm not entirely sure. I want

810
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:44,319
Speaker 2: to adopt the child as it is, which I've told

811
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:46,719
Speaker 2: my husband I would have to do a lot of

812
00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:49,600
Speaker 2: soul searching before I make that decision. But your post

813
00:39:49,719 --> 00:39:52,239
Speaker 2: brings home so many points that I've tried bringing up

814
00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:54,759
Speaker 2: to my husband and I've just not been able to

815
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,600
Speaker 2: get the right words out. We have an update, I

816
00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:00,560
Speaker 2: think then that should stop the whole thing.

817
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:02,839
Speaker 3: Then the whole conversation. I mean, like, you can have

818
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:06,680
Speaker 3: the conversation, but you absolutely should not adopt a child

819
00:40:06,719 --> 00:40:09,960
Speaker 3: if you are not one hundred percent you know, ready

820
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:13,080
Speaker 3: and on board to adopt a child, let alone a

821
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 3: child that you know has a lot of different you know,

822
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:23,879
Speaker 3: like emotional baggage and also just different. Yeah, like there's

823
00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:26,960
Speaker 3: so much you already don't want to adopt child, and

824
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:30,520
Speaker 3: to adopt this child comes, it's just like a whole other,

825
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:31,960
Speaker 3: you know thing.

826
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:35,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you just show the post to your boyfriend,

827
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:39,440
Speaker 2: then to your husband. Yeah, and uh, just get to

828
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,600
Speaker 2: the why why why do you feel the need? Why?

829
00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:44,640
Speaker 2: Why why? And he's gonna be like, well, because they

830
00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:46,920
Speaker 2: can't handle it, and it's like, Okay, their parents can

831
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:49,399
Speaker 2: handle it. Why does it have to be us? What

832
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:53,760
Speaker 2: is this? Yeah? Update? We had a crazy Thanksgiving break,

833
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:56,080
Speaker 2: but on our two hour drive back from his folk's

834
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,680
Speaker 2: house on Saturday, our children were asleep in the back seat,

835
00:40:58,880 --> 00:41:00,840
Speaker 2: so it seemed like an appropriate time to talk.

836
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,399
Speaker 3: I feel like that's actually a bad time to do that.

837
00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:07,480
Speaker 2: The worst time ever is when rocked in a steel

838
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,600
Speaker 2: box for two hours.

839
00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:13,400
Speaker 3: And also I feel like, as having been a child before,

840
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:17,279
Speaker 3: I pretended to be asleep so many times. Constantly I

841
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:18,320
Speaker 3: was pretending.

842
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:20,200
Speaker 2: To be asleep. That's the other thing is your kid's

843
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:21,640
Speaker 2: definitely not sleeping.

844
00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:24,520
Speaker 3: They're probably awake listening to your whole conversation.

845
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:29,120
Speaker 2: More than anything, this happened to me like like getting

846
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,560
Speaker 2: cornered to have a conversation while driving terrible.

847
00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:36,839
Speaker 3: It's so much already whoever's driving can't fully pay attention.

848
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:40,360
Speaker 2: To that conversation. And it's just like, that's not debatable.

849
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:43,879
Speaker 3: You can't fully pay attention to a serious conversation where

850
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:49,000
Speaker 3: you have to like look at each other and Riley's

851
00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:51,560
Speaker 3: rage bating me.

852
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:54,440
Speaker 2: I feel like it's not debatable.

853
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:57,319
Speaker 5: I've had some pretty serious takes on my way to

854
00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:58,800
Speaker 5: Atlanta and back.

855
00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:01,560
Speaker 3: Sure, you can have a serious conversation, but I feel

856
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,400
Speaker 3: like this is not the type of conversation that you

857
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:06,400
Speaker 3: should be having in a car with kids in the backseat.

858
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:10,960
Speaker 2: And oh yeah, I mean, okay, all right, it seemed appropriate.

859
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:14,680
Speaker 2: I started out discussing plans for my family's Thanksgiving, which

860
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:17,239
Speaker 2: was to be at our house the next day. Most

861
00:42:17,239 --> 00:42:20,520
Speaker 2: of my family would be attending, including Caroline and her parents.

862
00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:23,399
Speaker 2: Darren mentioned he was excited to see her baby. When

863
00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:27,080
Speaker 2: I asked why, he surprised me and said, Eves being

864
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,840
Speaker 2: a little baby crazy. Lately, one of his buddies just

865
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,279
Speaker 2: had a baby and he got to see it not

866
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:34,000
Speaker 2: too long ago. He said, he just loves holding babies

867
00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:37,080
Speaker 2: and everything that goes with having a baby. His conversation

868
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:39,600
Speaker 2: eventually led into him asking if we were going to

869
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:42,240
Speaker 2: have another baby or adopt one in the near future.

870
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 2: I was honest with him that I didn't know if

871
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:47,520
Speaker 2: I would be up for adopting a child. I know

872
00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:50,240
Speaker 2: he had done it before with a step parent adoption

873
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 2: of my daughter, but I didn't know if it was

874
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,520
Speaker 2: something I would be able to do just yet. I

875
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:59,040
Speaker 2: also wasn't pulling another pregnancy off the table either, but

876
00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:00,799
Speaker 2: I was adamant that I would need to get a

877
00:43:00,840 --> 00:43:03,600
Speaker 2: medical opinion on whether it would be safe for me

878
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:07,200
Speaker 2: to be pregnant again, and only if pregnancy was impossible

879
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:10,640
Speaker 2: for me, then I would be more likely to consider adoption.

880
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:14,200
Speaker 2: This led us into his desire to adopt Caroline's baby.

881
00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:17,239
Speaker 2: I asked him what prompted him to even consider it,

882
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:19,760
Speaker 2: and he brought it back to being a baby crazy.

883
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:22,400
Speaker 2: Our youngest is three now and really out of the

884
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:25,239
Speaker 2: baby stage, and he missed that. He really thought that

885
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:28,840
Speaker 2: offering to adopt Caroline's baby would help Caroline, her boyfriend,

886
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:32,160
Speaker 2: and their parents so they didn't have the stress about

887
00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:34,799
Speaker 2: caring for the baby. He admitted that after thinking it

888
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:37,520
Speaker 2: over more, he realized it was probably a silly idea,

889
00:43:37,719 --> 00:43:42,520
Speaker 2: but he just wants another child so badly. Well, he's

890
00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:45,440
Speaker 2: baby crazy. Let's finish this story. He's baby crazy. He's

891
00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:46,120
Speaker 2: baby crazy.

892
00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:49,720
Speaker 3: Had a little bit of a momentary glitch in the system.

893
00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:53,000
Speaker 2: Babies, babies want a baby, He want baby?

894
00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:56,359
Speaker 5: Could this guy, I don't know, volunteer. I know at

895
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,880
Speaker 5: my church you can volunteer to help out with kids.

896
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:01,919
Speaker 6: Yeah, the time, I think it's a great idea with that,

897
00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:04,320
Speaker 6: because I feel like, you know, what this vibe is

898
00:44:04,360 --> 00:44:08,279
Speaker 6: giving me? What is uh, whenever people like puppies and

899
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:09,800
Speaker 6: they just want a puppy, and then whenever the puppy

900
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:11,560
Speaker 6: gets bigger, they're like, oh, I just want a puppy again.

901
00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:14,600
Speaker 2: Just do puppy yoga. Yeah, take puppy yoga.

902
00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:18,319
Speaker 3: Also, you can foster puppies and kittens. Really, yeah, my

903
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:22,120
Speaker 3: friend fostered kittens. It was great for me because I

904
00:44:22,120 --> 00:44:26,359
Speaker 3: gotta go over and play with little baby kitties around here.

905
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:27,280
Speaker 2: He wants a baby.

906
00:44:27,400 --> 00:44:30,680
Speaker 5: I really want to convince Alex to get a dog,

907
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,919
Speaker 5: but it is it is not gonna happen.

908
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:36,240
Speaker 3: You could foster a dog. Well, with the fostering puppies,

909
00:44:36,239 --> 00:44:40,719
Speaker 3: it obviously is a little bit harder because they're untrained them. Well, yeah,

910
00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:42,760
Speaker 3: you just have to be training the puppies and stuff.

911
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:44,880
Speaker 3: But it's cute.

912
00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:45,920
Speaker 2: It's cute.

913
00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:49,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I mean, like I he absolutely could go

914
00:44:49,160 --> 00:44:52,799
Speaker 3: and volunteer, and especially like if you specifically wanted to

915
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:56,400
Speaker 3: help kids who had like different you know, like like

916
00:44:56,480 --> 00:45:00,200
Speaker 3: disabilities and stuff, then you could find programs that help

917
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:00,520
Speaker 3: with that.

918
00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:03,040
Speaker 2: It's true. I just hope he doesn't fall victim to

919
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:06,120
Speaker 2: like the whole you know, It's it is kind of

920
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:08,800
Speaker 2: a gendered problem when like people like raise their eyebrows

921
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:11,080
Speaker 2: way more when a guy is like I just I'm

922
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:13,960
Speaker 2: obsessed with babies. Yeah, I'm just I love babies. I

923
00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:15,920
Speaker 2: love they're like, why.

924
00:45:16,040 --> 00:45:18,000
Speaker 3: Well I think this one, this was a little bit.

925
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:20,239
Speaker 3: I don't think. I'm I have a question of why

926
00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:21,320
Speaker 3: he wants a baby?

927
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:26,359
Speaker 2: No, miss the baby face real quick.

928
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:28,879
Speaker 5: I remember when my dad got really mad. Rider could

929
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:30,920
Speaker 5: have you know, those like things you put on, like

930
00:45:31,719 --> 00:45:35,759
Speaker 5: the what's it called posh? Yeah, my dad's like six

931
00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:38,000
Speaker 5: eight and you'd have like he looked like that those

932
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:40,560
Speaker 5: little like giants and video games with like a little

933
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:42,280
Speaker 5: guy on the back, and he was so mad whenever

934
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:45,080
Speaker 5: Rider couldn't fit in anymore, He's like, my dream's gone.

935
00:45:45,080 --> 00:45:50,440
Speaker 2: Now that's cude, the dream is gone as you so, hey,

936
00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:51,919
Speaker 2: it's John here. We're gonna get back to the stories.

937
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:53,960
Speaker 1: But a quick three minute ad break from our sponsors

938
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:54,839
Speaker 1: that keep the show going.

939
00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:57,759
Speaker 2: I told my husband that ultimately, if we were to

940
00:45:57,840 --> 00:46:00,400
Speaker 2: adopt a child, I would want to start that process

941
00:46:00,480 --> 00:46:03,360
Speaker 2: outside of the family. I also said that if Caroline

942
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:05,960
Speaker 2: and her boyfriend were to be deemed unfit parents, then

943
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:09,200
Speaker 2: either her parents or his parents would step up. The

944
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:12,799
Speaker 2: only way I would reconsider adopting her baby was if

945
00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:15,560
Speaker 2: one of them approached us about it, and I highly

946
00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:17,880
Speaker 2: doubt that will happen. But I did tell him that

947
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:20,040
Speaker 2: after the New year, I would go see a doctor

948
00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:23,240
Speaker 2: about possibly having another baby. I said, I wasn't sure

949
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:25,759
Speaker 2: I was ready for it, but at least talking to

950
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:28,400
Speaker 2: a doctor wouldn't hurt, so we could get an idea

951
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:30,759
Speaker 2: of how to proceed. If a doctor clears me for

952
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:34,400
Speaker 2: a future pregnancy, we'll revisit the topic. Until that point,

953
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:37,799
Speaker 2: baby talks have been halted on both sides, there are

954
00:46:37,840 --> 00:46:41,040
Speaker 2: some comments. Number one, if he's baby crazy enough that

955
00:46:41,080 --> 00:46:45,399
Speaker 2: he's considered offering to adopt somebody else's baby, that's kind

956
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:48,080
Speaker 2: of creepy, see what I'm talking about. Why not look

957
00:46:48,120 --> 00:46:51,240
Speaker 2: into ways he can volunteer with babies slash young children

958
00:46:51,239 --> 00:46:54,120
Speaker 2: in need. He can find an outlet for these needs

959
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:56,520
Speaker 2: of his, and maybe he'll get enough of it out

960
00:46:56,560 --> 00:46:58,680
Speaker 2: of his system to take the pressure off you and

961
00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:02,960
Speaker 2: give you two times to determine if having a child

962
00:47:03,160 --> 00:47:05,359
Speaker 2: is in the best interest for your family right now.

963
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:07,319
Speaker 2: Comment to is it's kind of odd that y'all are

964
00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:09,960
Speaker 2: talking about adopting or not adopting her baby when that's

965
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:12,800
Speaker 2: not even on the table. What if some other couple

966
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,400
Speaker 2: were trying to decide whether or not to adopt your kid?

967
00:47:15,719 --> 00:47:18,240
Speaker 2: While that's not something you'd ever consider as an option,

968
00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:19,680
Speaker 2: and that's the end of that story.

969
00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:22,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I mean to be fair, I feel like, oh,

970
00:47:22,160 --> 00:47:24,759
Speaker 3: Pete wasn't the one who was considering that. She was

971
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:27,520
Speaker 3: trying to figure out why her husband was thinking about it,

972
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:28,919
Speaker 3: and she talked him down.

973
00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:31,799
Speaker 2: She figured it out. So I'm glad you.

974
00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:35,359
Speaker 3: Guys figured it out and had a conversation and are

975
00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:36,080
Speaker 3: on the same page.

976
00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:41,600
Speaker 2: Now, Yeah, baby, babies, babies, But that's the end of

977
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:44,319
Speaker 2: that story. That is the end of that story and

978
00:47:44,400 --> 00:47:46,200
Speaker 2: the end of that episode. Indeed it is.

979
00:47:46,840 --> 00:47:49,480
Speaker 3: So if you love us, make sure to subscribe.

980
00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:52,400
Speaker 2: We love you and see you tomorrow.