WEBVTT - How to Survive the Holidays 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.480 Hey, there're folks in this episode. The election is over, 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:10.320 but you got one last hurdle to get over before 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:15.800 you find peace, you gotta survive family holiday gatherings. And 0:00:15.880 --> 0:00:20.240 with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Robes. 0:00:21.840 --> 0:00:25.920 How are your family gatherings around the holidays? I know 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:29.440 you all are you know you like your wine and whatnot. 0:00:29.480 --> 0:00:32.040 A lot of people like their drink around holidays, but 0:00:32.080 --> 0:00:35.640 they say that adds sometimes to the combustible nature of 0:00:35.680 --> 0:00:37.599 getting the whole family together. So how do you all 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:38.120 usually go? 0:00:38.400 --> 0:00:42.520 Well, I mean, it's just depended on the year in politics, 0:00:42.760 --> 0:00:45.440 what about an election year. Yeah, they're tough. They can 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:51.280 be tough. Yes, I've just I've had a couple years where, 0:00:51.400 --> 0:00:55.760 either whether it was Christmas or even just a summer 0:00:55.880 --> 0:01:01.240 get together, basically we had to come to a a 0:01:01.320 --> 0:01:05.959 mutual understanding that talking about politics or religion usually doesn't 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:08.919 end well. And I know those are some staple rules 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:11.920 that a lot of folks employ, but look, I consider 0:01:11.959 --> 0:01:17.119 it to be a blessing that I am surrounded by. Look, 0:01:17.160 --> 0:01:18.959 my mom's one of nine, my dad's one of six. 0:01:19.040 --> 0:01:23.600 These are big family get togethers of very varying views. 0:01:23.560 --> 0:01:24.640 On all of the abus. 0:01:24.640 --> 0:01:27.720 That's a blessing, say, because you're exposed to different ways 0:01:27.720 --> 0:01:31.119 of thinking, and it isn't just this group think mentality 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:35.080 where it's us and against the world. So I've been 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:38.040 exposed to lots of different thoughts. However, yes, when you 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:43.680 mix all of those folks together in heated conversations with 0:01:43.760 --> 0:01:47.280 some alcohol potentially thrown into the mix, it. 0:01:47.160 --> 0:01:50.160 Can be, as you point out, combustible. 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:51.880 All right, So in this episode, we're actually going to 0:01:51.920 --> 0:01:55.840 help you folks find ways to survive those holiday gatherings 0:01:56.520 --> 0:01:59.280 a little better. We're going to have some have some rules, 0:01:59.280 --> 0:02:02.000 some tips for you you to survive that family drama 0:02:02.120 --> 0:02:05.040 or even to avoid it altogether. I don't have not 0:02:05.160 --> 0:02:08.160 once in life do I remember any drama at any 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:09.800 family gather that is, So. 0:02:09.760 --> 0:02:14.239 Do you all actually have in depth conversations about what's 0:02:14.240 --> 0:02:18.240 happening in the world, what's happening in White House? Oh? 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:20.639 Natural conversation all the family got in my whole life. 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.919 Of course, you talk about all that stuff. It's local politics, 0:02:24.000 --> 0:02:26.440 national politics, issues and whatnot. But again, I'm grew up 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:27.800 in it. Look, you know, I don't go back for 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:31.000 a lot of family gatherings, but certainly when I was 0:02:31.000 --> 0:02:33.960 coming up and in my early adult years, But not 0:02:34.200 --> 0:02:37.720 a single time was there drama of that nature that 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:40.760 got so heated at a family gathering that folks need 0:02:40.800 --> 0:02:42.239 to be separated or somebody has to leave. 0:02:42.520 --> 0:02:46.000 Not a that's remarkable time, that's remarkable. What to what 0:02:46.040 --> 0:02:46.880 do you attribute that? 0:02:47.880 --> 0:02:49.920 You know what? The greens and the chitlins, we were 0:02:49.919 --> 0:02:50.760 all too exhausted. 0:02:50.800 --> 0:02:52.600 The fight do you all have? 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:53.200 We had the. 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:54.920 Itis similar ways of thinking. 0:02:57.480 --> 0:03:00.359 Okay, okay, okay, but do you all are you all 0:03:00.400 --> 0:03:02.840 of like mind? I mean, do you are you similar 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:05.519 in your beliefs? It doesn't have to be exact, but 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:07.600 basically similar in your beliefs? 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:12.959 Okay? How about this I have And most of those gatherings, 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:17.160 you have folks who would grow up, who grew up 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:21.400 and would never miss a single church service on Sunday 0:03:21.440 --> 0:03:23.840 Sunday night and then went on Wednesday night. You had 0:03:23.880 --> 0:03:28.000 other folks in there who wouldn't go to church for 0:03:28.040 --> 0:03:32.400 any reason, so we weren't all aligned in on religious reasons. 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:38.280 The person who gave the said grace at every single 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:42.440 one of those family gatherings was my Muslim uncle. Right, 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:45.360 So if you want to talk about having conversations about religion. 0:03:45.400 --> 0:03:47.560 I got a Muslim uncle given the prayer to a 0:03:47.560 --> 0:03:50.480 bunch of Christians before we eat Thanksgiving and Christmas meal. 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:53.760 So no, we were kind of good in that regard, 0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:57.040 you know what I'm saying. So and again, I every 0:03:57.080 --> 0:03:59.560 issue we just talk. It was just family. It was 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:02.720 it was. It never ever got heated. Granted it wasn't 0:04:02.720 --> 0:04:04.600 a whole lot of alcohol. I'm not saying that was 0:04:04.800 --> 0:04:07.040 that had to be a contributing factor at all. But 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:11.720 my family weren't big drinkers until I came along. 0:04:12.200 --> 0:04:13.000 You came along well. 0:04:13.000 --> 0:04:14.360 And I also just want to point out I don't 0:04:14.360 --> 0:04:16.560 want to give some false impression that somehow I've got 0:04:16.600 --> 0:04:21.240 these big, like rack His fights going on in my family. 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:23.560 Mostly there were somebody end up in the hospital. 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:25.840 No, you were so funny. 0:04:26.520 --> 0:04:27.680 It was jail. I'm sorry, it was jail. 0:04:29.760 --> 0:04:29.920 No. 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:31.799 Look, by and large, they're all wonderful. 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:34.520 I would actually say a lot of the issues were 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:36.120 between my brother and me. 0:04:36.240 --> 0:04:38.720 Did you just say, by and large they're all wonderful 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:40.000 talking about your family. 0:04:39.760 --> 0:04:42.400 Yes, by and by a large, I'm saying all of 0:04:42.400 --> 0:04:45.400 the like the gatherings, they could be fifty people at Christmas. 0:04:45.440 --> 0:04:48.320 I mean, it's crazy. It's a lot of people, and 0:04:48.920 --> 0:04:53.040 mostly it's and look, it's just when you say you 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:55.760 and your brother, the few times I'm thinking of or 0:04:55.800 --> 0:04:57.560 my brother and I his sibling. 0:04:57.680 --> 0:04:59.960 Yeah, yeah, he is you all? You all the problem 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:01.600 at your family gathering, it's no. 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:06.120 It's it's it has happened once or twice. And then 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:09.160 I would say in other family gatherings, it's been other 0:05:09.279 --> 0:05:12.120 people like having issues with one another. There are really 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:13.960 a lot of times it's personality conflicts. 0:05:14.000 --> 0:05:16.279 What's the worst has gotten that somebody had to actually 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:18.320 do something that you like? Whoa well? 0:05:18.560 --> 0:05:22.120 People have left early, storming out. 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:30.279 Maybe you no, I'm not going to have this conversation. Sorry, 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:35.440 these are bygone eras, and we've learned from our mistakes. 0:05:35.520 --> 0:05:37.560 I have learned from mine. I know he has from his. 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:41.080 Uh Like, life gets hard enough, we don't need to 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:44.200 make it harder. And I think again this comes down 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:47.080 to maybe avoiding. 0:05:47.680 --> 0:05:49.240 Certain subjects altogether, but. 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:52.480 Also being able to say you can feel how you feel, 0:05:52.720 --> 0:05:54.920 and it it and I can feel how I feel. 0:05:54.960 --> 0:05:59.320 It's about respect, and so I think sometimes personality conflicts, 0:05:59.400 --> 0:06:02.120 past issues, past rivalries. 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:05.760 I've seen cousins, like, there have been issues. 0:06:05.320 --> 0:06:07.839 And a lot of it is just deeply personal that 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:12.520 comes out maybe in other conversations. So it's my mom 0:06:12.560 --> 0:06:14.280 has always said this, and I think about it all 0:06:14.320 --> 0:06:16.400 the time. You're never fighting about what you're fighting about. 0:06:16.640 --> 0:06:20.039 So even if you are fighting about politics or fight, 0:06:20.240 --> 0:06:22.719 it's probably deeper than that. Like a lot of times, 0:06:22.720 --> 0:06:24.440 if it gets to the level where someone has to 0:06:24.480 --> 0:06:28.640 leave or someone's that upset, it's probably way deeper than 0:06:28.680 --> 0:06:30.159 whether or not Trump got reelected. 0:06:30.240 --> 0:06:32.080 And what does doctor Gardier always say? You say, your 0:06:32.120 --> 0:06:34.200 mom says, you're not fighting about what you're fighting about. 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:38.640 Doctor Gardier says, you're not fighting about blank. It's how 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:42.479 you're fighting about it. Yeah, it's how you're fighting about finances, 0:06:42.560 --> 0:06:45.240 how you're fighting about religion. It's how you're fighting about politics. 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:46.200 That's the problem. 0:06:46.279 --> 0:06:51.640 It's true because what it is, neither person feels respected, regarded, heard, 0:06:52.200 --> 0:06:56.200 listened to. You don't have to agree, And I think, look, 0:06:56.279 --> 0:06:59.000 sometimes you learn lessons the hard way, and I certainly have. 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:02.080 Okay, so we're about to folks, how to avoid maybe 0:07:02.120 --> 0:07:04.520 some of these hard lessons and avoid some of these 0:07:04.880 --> 0:07:09.120 this drama, the storming out that happens at Robot's family 0:07:09.160 --> 0:07:12.160 gatherings and the funny and it's funny we're talking about this. 0:07:12.720 --> 0:07:14.840 We are only as we're recording this, we're only a 0:07:14.840 --> 0:07:19.520 couple of days removed from me attending what will be 0:07:20.760 --> 0:07:25.840 for the first time a big robock your family gathering. 0:07:25.840 --> 0:07:29.440 We're actually going to I'm going to see everybody for 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:31.240 the first time here, and we're. 0:07:31.120 --> 0:07:32.200 Going to be on one side. 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:35.320 So my mom is one of nine, it's the Stoleful family, 0:07:35.400 --> 0:07:39.040 and my dad is one of six. So you are 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:41.720 going to meet my mom's side of the family. And yes, 0:07:41.760 --> 0:07:43.520 she has eight siblings. 0:07:43.640 --> 0:07:44.560 It's gonna be great. 0:07:44.360 --> 0:07:46.360 And they are all going to be in attendance. 0:07:46.720 --> 0:07:50.080 All right, then we will report back. But all this 0:07:50.200 --> 0:07:52.760 is coming out because our super producer Andy in here 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:56.720 has hooked us up with well hooked you up. Actually 0:07:56.760 --> 0:07:59.400 he has found ways in a list of things to 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:03.920 avoid or to help you avoid family drama during Thanksgiving 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:07.119 dinner or Christmas dinner, whatever holiday gathering. So he found 0:08:07.120 --> 0:08:09.920 this for as we have not heard these yet, but 0:08:09.960 --> 0:08:12.840 so it's always fun. He surprises us on these. So 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:14.760 and you take it away, tell us what this list 0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:16.520 is exactly, and then go for it absolutely. 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:19.200 So, like you said, the holidays are coming up and 0:08:19.280 --> 0:08:20.960 family drama is inevitable. 0:08:21.960 --> 0:08:24.160 Apparently not in the Holmes house, just so you know 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:25.239 who knew. 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:29.440 So this comes from Refinery twenty nine. It's just telling 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:32.800 us about four things that you can do to avoid 0:08:32.800 --> 0:08:36.559 the family drama during these dinners that you're going to 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:38.680 be having during the holiday season. So I'll start with 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:42.280 number one. It's own your triggers. Other people know what 0:08:42.400 --> 0:08:44.640 sets you off, so you should make it a point 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:47.760 to be aware too, even if you're not necessarily proud 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:50.400 of it. If you know that someone's prying into why 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:53.000 you're still single or a political issue that they know 0:08:53.080 --> 0:08:55.800 annoys the crap out of you, be prepared with a 0:08:55.840 --> 0:08:58.280 game plan to step away from the table when you 0:08:58.320 --> 0:09:01.880 see it coming, or to have diversion, prepared to take 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:02.920 things in a different direction. 0:09:03.000 --> 0:09:03.880 Wow, are you ready? 0:09:03.920 --> 0:09:04.280 Ropes? 0:09:04.400 --> 0:09:06.400 I love that, And because you know what it is, 0:09:06.480 --> 0:09:10.760 that is something that you can control. I and anyone 0:09:10.760 --> 0:09:14.319 who walks into something thinking my god, what could happen? 0:09:14.400 --> 0:09:16.800 What could someone say to me? You know what, It's okay. 0:09:17.240 --> 0:09:20.000 You can't control what anyone else does or say it 0:09:20.000 --> 0:09:23.680 says to you, but you absolutely have the power to 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:26.720 have a decision to not react. 0:09:26.840 --> 0:09:29.800 Have you failed at that? I have no family. 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:33.359 Oh, I have absolutely failed, and I do think acknowledging 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:36.840 and it is hard to admit like it's your trigger. 0:09:36.920 --> 0:09:38.440 So don't put the blame on someone else. 0:09:38.600 --> 0:09:42.480 You have a sensitivity to something, You get bothered by something, 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:44.880 and so you have to own that and accept that 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:48.600 and then say I'm not going to react. I heard 0:09:48.840 --> 0:09:54.240 you can wait what it is. 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:56.120 I'm trying to say it right, but I'm going to 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:56.800 probably say it rung. 0:09:56.920 --> 0:09:58.000 No, you're doing grace of art. 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:00.280 It's it's a way to say I'm not going to react. 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:03.280 I'm going to respond, and by responding, it's a deliberate 0:10:03.360 --> 0:10:05.520 choice to say, hey, I'm either going to walk away 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:09.240 from this or I appreciate your two cents. I disagree, 0:10:09.240 --> 0:10:09.679 but thank you. 0:10:09.800 --> 0:10:13.000 The triggers. What are your triggers that you know if 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:16.480 you hear at a family gathering, you know that's gonna 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:16.959 set you off. 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:22.120 Anyone who questions your integrity and your choices that that's 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:22.880 always a trigger. 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:24.479 That's a politics thing, it sounds. 0:10:24.200 --> 0:10:27.080 Like one hundred percent, and also personal choices in your life, 0:10:27.080 --> 0:10:30.040 whether it's you know, you're single, you're not, you're getting divorced, 0:10:30.200 --> 0:10:32.320 anything that you've chosen that you've decided. If you feel 0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:34.280 like you're under attack, that's a trigger. 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:35.840 Those are so that would be anything? 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:39.280 Yeah, yeah, and then I think someone who. 0:10:40.679 --> 0:10:43.520 Basically if I feel like someone is taking away or 0:10:43.600 --> 0:10:47.280 telling me I'm being ridiculous, like invalidating my experience or 0:10:47.320 --> 0:10:50.559 invalidating my feelings, or I feel like I've just been 0:10:50.640 --> 0:10:53.960 completely and totally misunderstood. 0:10:54.040 --> 0:10:57.680 This happens at the holidays. They do you like this family? 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:00.280 I mean, it can happen. I'm just like, look, it 0:11:00.320 --> 0:11:00.760 could happen. 0:11:00.960 --> 0:11:03.000 It can happen with your children, it can happen with 0:11:03.040 --> 0:11:05.880 your Wow, you know anybody. It's not just like I 0:11:05.920 --> 0:11:08.679 feel like, yeah, in life, I've experienced all of that. 0:11:08.720 --> 0:11:09.160 You haven't. 0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:11.920 I can't wait to see the VAM at holiday dinners. 0:11:12.000 --> 0:11:15.320 I would say, no, my triggers. What would you think 0:11:15.400 --> 0:11:18.000 my trigger? You? I am very curious to hear this. 0:11:18.520 --> 0:11:21.280 What what a trigger? What do you see that sets 0:11:21.320 --> 0:11:25.640 me off? A trigger the likes of which you just 0:11:25.640 --> 0:11:29.120 describe for yourself. Anything that triggers me that like, oh 0:11:29.160 --> 0:11:31.360 he gets going, he gets worked up, he's gonna get upset. 0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:33.400 He's going to fight back, He's gonna what is that thing? 0:11:35.200 --> 0:11:40.239 If someone tells you something that you think isn't genuine? 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:47.440 If someone if someone is you always say you always 0:11:47.440 --> 0:11:48.480 say yeah. 0:11:48.480 --> 0:11:49.400 I know, I'm trying to think. 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:52.440 But like I, I just believe that you get upset 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:56.160 if you feel like someone is being disingenuous. 0:11:57.800 --> 0:11:59.960 That's like your number one trigger. 0:12:00.240 --> 0:12:02.679 But my react. I thought you were gonna say nothing, 0:12:03.240 --> 0:12:06.120 because there's not a whole lot that anybody can say 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:08.480 to me that's gonna set me off because I am 0:12:08.559 --> 0:12:12.480 just calm and at peace, and I just I just 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:14.319 don't react necessarily. 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:14.520 Now. 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:17.280 I get upset about a lot of stuff, but usually 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:20.480 see me get upset because uh time management. I haven't 0:12:20.480 --> 0:12:22.240 had enough sleep, I got too much work to do. 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:25.520 I'm focusing on the wrong things. But people can say 0:12:25.559 --> 0:12:29.120 all kinds of anything to me. And I have worked 0:12:29.120 --> 0:12:32.520 hard with your tutelage to be honest with you of 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:35.800 how to handle those moments and not react to things. 0:12:35.840 --> 0:12:39.040 We can all you can control. You can't control anything 0:12:39.080 --> 0:12:41.600 somebody does or says. I can control how I react 0:12:41.640 --> 0:12:43.200 to it. I took that to heart, and I've been 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:46.160 working at that for the past three years. Probably yeah, 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:48.520 And I've gotten to the point now where there ain't nothing. 0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:51.040 I'm telling you. You called me the N word, and 0:12:51.080 --> 0:12:52.880 I won't even blink twice I could. 0:12:52.920 --> 0:12:55.120 I don't think you will react in the moment. I 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:57.079 do think that you have, and this is probably. 0:12:57.160 --> 0:12:57.560 I don't know. 0:12:57.600 --> 0:12:59.440 Tell me if I'm wrong. During the holidays, we haven't 0:12:59.440 --> 0:13:01.679 really gone through them, not much together. This is going 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:03.400 to be There are a lot of first that are 0:13:03.400 --> 0:13:09.199 happening with us this fall and winter. But you are 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:10.400 an expectations person. 0:13:10.480 --> 0:13:11.160 You want to know. 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:15.160 Exactly what you're walking into, who you're going to be 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:18.480 talking to, and what the feeling of the room is 0:13:18.520 --> 0:13:21.520 going to be. And if your expectations get thrown like 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:24.400 the reality is not what you thought, you have a 0:13:24.480 --> 0:13:25.040 tough time with that. 0:13:25.120 --> 0:13:27.760 May I'm a weird one because the expectations I only 0:13:27.840 --> 0:13:31.520 allow somebody else to set. I don't assume how you're 0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:33.880 going to behave I don't assume how you're going to react. 0:13:33.880 --> 0:13:35.480 But if you tell me you're going to be here 0:13:35.480 --> 0:13:37.640 at twelve fifteen and you show up at twelve twenty, 0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:42.400 you set my expectations. You did that. If you tell 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:44.360 me only fifteen people are going to be at this party, 0:13:44.360 --> 0:13:46.560 and I get there and there are thirty two that 0:13:46.720 --> 0:13:49.000 hell with all, y'all, I'm out of here because you 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:52.360 set my expectations. That really, that's your trigger. 0:13:52.559 --> 0:13:53.240 That's your trigger. 0:13:53.720 --> 0:13:57.880 I just got you set my expectation. And that's the thing. 0:13:57.960 --> 0:13:58.200 I know. 0:13:58.320 --> 0:14:01.640 I don't want anything from Silly, from Andy, from Robot 0:14:01.960 --> 0:14:03.760 unless you tell me you're gonna give it to me. 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:06.280 Well, you, I get nervous because you asked me questions 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:08.360 and I'm like, I don't know if I have the 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:09.439 exact answer. 0:14:09.840 --> 0:14:11.960 I don't know. I'm okay with that. You didn't say 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:12.560 an expectation. 0:14:13.720 --> 0:14:16.280 I've gotten a lot better at understanding that I have 0:14:16.360 --> 0:14:19.320 been thrown sometimes at when you get upset at things. 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:23.360 And I've to the realization that I am better to 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:29.520 either set like really low expectations or make you think 0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:32.080 things are going to be way worse than they are. Oh, 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:34.160 then you'll be pleasantly surprised. 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:39.200 Because I've realized that is your biggest trigger. Yeah I 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:43.200 never thought about it like that, but it's your biggest trigger. Expectations, expectations. 0:14:43.200 --> 0:14:45.000 All right, folks, So we're gonna take a quick break, 0:14:45.480 --> 0:14:49.080 and I expect us to come right back after this 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:51.440 break and we're going to continue. We got three more 0:14:51.520 --> 0:14:53.480 to get through. Things are going to help you avoid 0:14:53.520 --> 0:15:06.960 family drama during the holidays. All right, Welcome back, folks. 0:15:07.040 --> 0:15:10.080 We will continue here with our super producer Andy, who 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:13.080 is helping you make it through the holidays without family 0:15:13.240 --> 0:15:16.520 drama around that Thanksgiving dinner table or Christmas dinner table, 0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:19.920 whatever it may be. We went, We did one so far, 0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:22.520 we got three more to go. Andy, take it away, 0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:23.120 all right. 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:26.680 The next one is conversational topics. Having a pocket full 0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:29.200 of topics to change the course of the evening can 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:31.840 make you the unsung hero of the holiday. Good old, 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:35.680 reliable stand ins or stand bys that can include plans 0:15:35.680 --> 0:15:38.320 for New Year's the best holiday movies, your favorite teachers 0:15:38.320 --> 0:15:40.160 back in the day, what have you been binging on 0:15:40.240 --> 0:15:42.720 TV lately? Or the best one of the bunch, So, 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:44.680 what's been going on with you? 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:47.480 Change the subject? 0:15:47.520 --> 0:15:50.200 Yeah, I love that, and it's important to actually, I think, 0:15:50.320 --> 0:15:52.480 have that plan in place, maybe even ahead of time. 0:15:52.760 --> 0:15:56.120 The other thing is this is a good stand by. 0:15:56.320 --> 0:15:59.600 My mom always told me this. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves. 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:02.960 So if you can just start asking the questions, then 0:16:03.000 --> 0:16:05.480 you don't necessarily have to answer the tough ones. 0:16:06.600 --> 0:16:08.880 You've seen me do this a million times. People think 0:16:08.920 --> 0:16:12.120 I've no, I'm quiet at a lot of gatherings because 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:14.160 all I do is ask a question. You get everybody 0:16:14.200 --> 0:16:17.320 engaged in talking about themselves, and it is nothing but 0:16:17.440 --> 0:16:21.400 peace is not You've seen me do this a million times. 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:26.600 So I love that idea, But roads, are you really 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:28.920 going to go in with a po not talking about 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:32.520 a literal note, but the idea that you actually need 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:35.360 to ahead of time prepare. So okay, I got this 0:16:35.440 --> 0:16:37.640 topic lined up, this topic lined up, this topic. So 0:16:37.640 --> 0:16:40.640 if this comes up, what about those lakers? 0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:44.440 I mean no, I mean I don't have planned questions 0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:47.480 or redirects, but I do think you can go in 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:50.640 with a mindset that says, if things start to go 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:53.640 down this road. By the way, this is what I've 0:16:53.720 --> 0:16:58.280 learned the hard way. You're never going to change someone 0:16:58.360 --> 0:17:02.400 else's minds in that moment, at that party, at that dinner, 0:17:02.520 --> 0:17:05.160 at that gathering. You are not going to convince somebody 0:17:05.160 --> 0:17:08.120 that they voted for the wrong person, or that they 0:17:08.800 --> 0:17:12.320 their support of this topic should be something else. You're 0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:14.640 never going to change anyone else's mind So once you've 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:18.880 accepted that and acknowledged that it is a fool's errand to. 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:19.800 Try and go do that. 0:17:19.840 --> 0:17:22.560 And I have been on that fool's errand and it 0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:26.720 never ends well. And so yes, I go into sometimes 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:31.280 gatherings and just tell myself from mind myself, you have 0:17:32.040 --> 0:17:34.560 nothing to prove and no one to persuade. 0:17:35.080 --> 0:17:35.840 Just be curious. 0:17:35.920 --> 0:17:37.679 Can I ask you to be kind? Do you generally 0:17:37.720 --> 0:17:40.879 feel like you're on the defensive or the offensive? Do 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:42.960 you ever feel like you're in a position at these 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:46.959 dinners where you are maybe mistakingly so that you can 0:17:47.000 --> 0:17:49.840 realize afterwards, so you made an error in trying to 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:52.119 convince somebody of a position that you have. 0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:55.960 Correct okay, on lots of issues that like you're never 0:17:56.000 --> 0:18:00.520 going to convince people to change their minds on gun control, abortion, 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:04.000 you know, these are some of the weighty topics. 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:07.520 Me too, Like don't talk about this family dinner. 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:10.399 That would be in the past tense talked, talked, and 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:16.800 it again. I have now learned it is silly to 0:18:16.920 --> 0:18:17.480 even try. 0:18:18.119 --> 0:18:20.200 Well, I am you know what we should do? Black 0:18:20.240 --> 0:18:21.560 lives matter? When I meet your family, I. 0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:24.159 Mean, that's a great idea for this next gathering. I 0:18:24.160 --> 0:18:24.720 think that works. 0:18:24.840 --> 0:18:25.800 I think it's a way to go. 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:28.040 I feel like that's a that's a kind of a healthy, 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:29.000 like new topic. 0:18:29.080 --> 0:18:31.199 I would like to hear what the fam think. You 0:18:31.240 --> 0:18:33.720 know what. I'm stopping now because I did this. We 0:18:33.760 --> 0:18:35.600 did this not too long ago to where we were 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:39.199 recording a podcast and then we ended up listening to 0:18:39.200 --> 0:18:42.080 that podcast with your parents. You and I were in 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:44.600 the car and we knew what was coming next that 0:18:44.640 --> 0:18:47.960 oh shit, oh no, So it's weird now to say something. 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:49.359 I'm like, oh my god, her parents are going to 0:18:49.400 --> 0:18:49.679 hear this. 0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:51.320 And actually, right. 0:18:51.240 --> 0:18:54.640 Before we go to this family gathering, no, no, no, 0:18:54.680 --> 0:18:58.080 And again like, look, my mom came from a family, 0:18:58.720 --> 0:19:01.120 you know, nine of them to gather with my grandmother 0:19:01.160 --> 0:19:04.480 and grandfather, and they were like and there was no drinking. 0:19:04.520 --> 0:19:07.919 By the way, my grandmother Southern Baptist, so this was 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:10.080 not in any way alcohol fueled. 0:19:10.119 --> 0:19:11.160 But I remember growing. 0:19:11.000 --> 0:19:13.879 Up and there would just be these big debates around 0:19:13.880 --> 0:19:16.280 the table my uncles and my aunts and my mom 0:19:16.560 --> 0:19:20.800 about politics, about religion, about finances, about everything, and again, 0:19:20.840 --> 0:19:23.159 not a drop of alcohol. But I grew up in 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:27.960 a very debate fueled family. And part of the reason 0:19:27.960 --> 0:19:30.159 why maybe I felt comfortable going into the line of 0:19:30.200 --> 0:19:33.600 work I do because we all questioned one another. We 0:19:33.840 --> 0:19:37.159