Speaker 1: Hey, there're folks in this episode. The election is over,
Speaker 1: but you got one last hurdle to get over before
Speaker 1: you find peace, you gotta survive family holiday gatherings. And
Speaker 1: with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Robes.
Speaker 1: How are your family gatherings around the holidays? I know
Speaker 1: you all are you know you like your wine and whatnot.
Speaker 1: A lot of people like their drink around holidays, but
Speaker 1: they say that adds sometimes to the combustible nature of
Speaker 1: getting the whole family together. So how do you all
Speaker 1: usually go?
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, it's just depended on the year in politics,
Speaker 2: what about an election year. Yeah, they're tough. They can
Speaker 2: be tough. Yes, I've just I've had a couple years where,
Speaker 2: either whether it was Christmas or even just a summer
Speaker 2: get together, basically we had to come to a a
Speaker 2: mutual understanding that talking about politics or religion usually doesn't
Speaker 2: end well. And I know those are some staple rules
Speaker 2: that a lot of folks employ, but look, I consider
Speaker 2: it to be a blessing that I am surrounded by. Look,
Speaker 2: my mom's one of nine, my dad's one of six.
Speaker 2: These are big family get togethers of very varying views.
Speaker 3: On all of the abus.
Speaker 2: That's a blessing, say, because you're exposed to different ways
Speaker 2: of thinking, and it isn't just this group think mentality
Speaker 2: where it's us and against the world. So I've been
Speaker 2: exposed to lots of different thoughts. However, yes, when you
Speaker 2: mix all of those folks together in heated conversations with
Speaker 2: some alcohol potentially thrown into the mix, it.
Speaker 3: Can be, as you point out, combustible.
Speaker 1: All right, So in this episode, we're actually going to
Speaker 1: help you folks find ways to survive those holiday gatherings
Speaker 1: a little better. We're going to have some have some rules,
Speaker 1: some tips for you you to survive that family drama
Speaker 1: or even to avoid it altogether. I don't have not
Speaker 1: once in life do I remember any drama at any
Speaker 1: family gather that is, So.
Speaker 2: Do you all actually have in depth conversations about what's
Speaker 2: happening in the world, what's happening in White House? Oh?
Speaker 1: Natural conversation all the family got in my whole life.
Speaker 1: Of course, you talk about all that stuff. It's local politics,
Speaker 1: national politics, issues and whatnot. But again, I'm grew up
Speaker 1: in it. Look, you know, I don't go back for
Speaker 1: a lot of family gatherings, but certainly when I was
Speaker 1: coming up and in my early adult years, But not
Speaker 1: a single time was there drama of that nature that
Speaker 1: got so heated at a family gathering that folks need
Speaker 1: to be separated or somebody has to leave.
Speaker 2: Not a that's remarkable time, that's remarkable. What to what
Speaker 2: do you attribute that?
Speaker 1: You know what? The greens and the chitlins, we were
Speaker 1: all too exhausted.
Speaker 3: The fight do you all have?
Speaker 1: We had the.
Speaker 3: Itis similar ways of thinking.
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay, but do you all are you all
Speaker 2: of like mind? I mean, do you are you similar
Speaker 2: in your beliefs? It doesn't have to be exact, but
Speaker 2: basically similar in your beliefs?
Speaker 1: Okay? How about this I have And most of those gatherings,
Speaker 1: you have folks who would grow up, who grew up
Speaker 1: and would never miss a single church service on Sunday
Speaker 1: Sunday night and then went on Wednesday night. You had
Speaker 1: other folks in there who wouldn't go to church for
Speaker 1: any reason, so we weren't all aligned in on religious reasons.
Speaker 1: The person who gave the said grace at every single
Speaker 1: one of those family gatherings was my Muslim uncle. Right,
Speaker 1: So if you want to talk about having conversations about religion.
Speaker 1: I got a Muslim uncle given the prayer to a
Speaker 1: bunch of Christians before we eat Thanksgiving and Christmas meal.
Speaker 1: So no, we were kind of good in that regard,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So and again, I every
Speaker 1: issue we just talk. It was just family. It was
Speaker 1: it was. It never ever got heated. Granted it wasn't
Speaker 1: a whole lot of alcohol. I'm not saying that was
Speaker 1: that had to be a contributing factor at all. But
Speaker 1: my family weren't big drinkers until I came along.
Speaker 3: You came along well.
Speaker 2: And I also just want to point out I don't
Speaker 2: want to give some false impression that somehow I've got
Speaker 2: these big, like rack His fights going on in my family.
Speaker 1: Mostly there were somebody end up in the hospital.
Speaker 3: No, you were so funny.
Speaker 1: It was jail. I'm sorry, it was jail.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 3: Look, by and large, they're all wonderful.
Speaker 2: I would actually say a lot of the issues were
Speaker 2: between my brother and me.
Speaker 1: Did you just say, by and large they're all wonderful
Speaker 1: talking about your family.
Speaker 2: Yes, by and by a large, I'm saying all of
Speaker 2: the like the gatherings, they could be fifty people at Christmas.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's crazy. It's a lot of people, and
Speaker 2: mostly it's and look, it's just when you say you
Speaker 2: and your brother, the few times I'm thinking of or
Speaker 2: my brother and I his sibling.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, he is you all? You all the problem
Speaker 1: at your family gathering, it's no.
Speaker 2: It's it's it has happened once or twice. And then
Speaker 2: I would say in other family gatherings, it's been other
Speaker 2: people like having issues with one another. There are really
Speaker 2: a lot of times it's personality conflicts.
Speaker 1: What's the worst has gotten that somebody had to actually
Speaker 1: do something that you like? Whoa well?
Speaker 3: People have left early, storming out.
Speaker 2: Maybe you no, I'm not going to have this conversation. Sorry,
Speaker 2: these are bygone eras, and we've learned from our mistakes.
Speaker 2: I have learned from mine. I know he has from his.
Speaker 2: Uh Like, life gets hard enough, we don't need to
Speaker 2: make it harder. And I think again this comes down
Speaker 2: to maybe avoiding.
Speaker 3: Certain subjects altogether, but.
Speaker 2: Also being able to say you can feel how you feel,
Speaker 2: and it it and I can feel how I feel.
Speaker 2: It's about respect, and so I think sometimes personality conflicts,
Speaker 2: past issues, past rivalries.
Speaker 3: I've seen cousins, like, there have been issues.
Speaker 2: And a lot of it is just deeply personal that
Speaker 2: comes out maybe in other conversations. So it's my mom
Speaker 2: has always said this, and I think about it all
Speaker 2: the time. You're never fighting about what you're fighting about.
Speaker 2: So even if you are fighting about politics or fight,
Speaker 2: it's probably deeper than that. Like a lot of times,
Speaker 2: if it gets to the level where someone has to
Speaker 2: leave or someone's that upset, it's probably way deeper than
Speaker 2: whether or not Trump got reelected.
Speaker 1: And what does doctor Gardier always say? You say, your
Speaker 1: mom says, you're not fighting about what you're fighting about.
Speaker 1: Doctor Gardier says, you're not fighting about blank. It's how
Speaker 1: you're fighting about it. Yeah, it's how you're fighting about finances,
Speaker 1: how you're fighting about religion. It's how you're fighting about politics.
Speaker 1: That's the problem.
Speaker 2: It's true because what it is, neither person feels respected, regarded, heard,
Speaker 2: listened to. You don't have to agree, And I think, look,
Speaker 2: sometimes you learn lessons the hard way, and I certainly have.
Speaker 1: Okay, so we're about to folks, how to avoid maybe
Speaker 1: some of these hard lessons and avoid some of these
Speaker 1: this drama, the storming out that happens at Robot's family
Speaker 1: gatherings and the funny and it's funny we're talking about this.
Speaker 1: We are only as we're recording this, we're only a
Speaker 1: couple of days removed from me attending what will be
Speaker 1: for the first time a big robock your family gathering.
Speaker 1: We're actually going to I'm going to see everybody for
Speaker 1: the first time here, and we're.
Speaker 3: Going to be on one side.
Speaker 2: So my mom is one of nine, it's the Stoleful family,
Speaker 2: and my dad is one of six. So you are
Speaker 2: going to meet my mom's side of the family. And yes,
Speaker 2: she has eight siblings.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be great.
Speaker 3: And they are all going to be in attendance.
Speaker 1: All right, then we will report back. But all this
Speaker 1: is coming out because our super producer Andy in here
Speaker 1: has hooked us up with well hooked you up. Actually
Speaker 1: he has found ways in a list of things to
Speaker 1: avoid or to help you avoid family drama during Thanksgiving
Speaker 1: dinner or Christmas dinner, whatever holiday gathering. So he found
Speaker 1: this for as we have not heard these yet, but
Speaker 1: so it's always fun. He surprises us on these. So
Speaker 1: and you take it away, tell us what this list
Speaker 1: is exactly, and then go for it absolutely.
Speaker 4: So, like you said, the holidays are coming up and
Speaker 4: family drama is inevitable.
Speaker 3: Apparently not in the Holmes house, just so you know
Speaker 3: who knew.
Speaker 4: So this comes from Refinery twenty nine. It's just telling
Speaker 4: us about four things that you can do to avoid
Speaker 4: the family drama during these dinners that you're going to
Speaker 4: be having during the holiday season. So I'll start with
Speaker 4: number one. It's own your triggers. Other people know what
Speaker 4: sets you off, so you should make it a point
Speaker 4: to be aware too, even if you're not necessarily proud
Speaker 4: of it. If you know that someone's prying into why
Speaker 4: you're still single or a political issue that they know
Speaker 4: annoys the crap out of you, be prepared with a
Speaker 4: game plan to step away from the table when you
Speaker 4: see it coming, or to have diversion, prepared to take
Speaker 4: things in a different direction.
Speaker 1: Wow, are you ready?
Speaker 3: Ropes?
Speaker 2: I love that, And because you know what it is,
Speaker 2: that is something that you can control. I and anyone
Speaker 2: who walks into something thinking my god, what could happen?
Speaker 3: What could someone say to me? You know what, It's okay.
Speaker 2: You can't control what anyone else does or say it
Speaker 2: says to you, but you absolutely have the power to
Speaker 2: have a decision to not react.
Speaker 1: Have you failed at that? I have no family.
Speaker 2: Oh, I have absolutely failed, and I do think acknowledging
Speaker 2: and it is hard to admit like it's your trigger.
Speaker 3: So don't put the blame on someone else.
Speaker 2: You have a sensitivity to something, You get bothered by something,
Speaker 2: and so you have to own that and accept that
Speaker 2: and then say I'm not going to react. I heard
Speaker 2: you can wait what it is.
Speaker 3: I'm trying to say it right, but I'm going to
Speaker 3: probably say it rung.
Speaker 1: No, you're doing grace of art.
Speaker 2: It's it's a way to say I'm not going to react.
Speaker 2: I'm going to respond, and by responding, it's a deliberate
Speaker 2: choice to say, hey, I'm either going to walk away
Speaker 2: from this or I appreciate your two cents. I disagree,
Speaker 2: but thank you.
Speaker 1: The triggers. What are your triggers that you know if
Speaker 1: you hear at a family gathering, you know that's gonna
Speaker 1: set you off.
Speaker 2: Anyone who questions your integrity and your choices that that's
Speaker 2: always a trigger.
Speaker 1: That's a politics thing, it sounds.
Speaker 2: Like one hundred percent, and also personal choices in your life,
Speaker 2: whether it's you know, you're single, you're not, you're getting divorced,
Speaker 2: anything that you've chosen that you've decided. If you feel
Speaker 2: like you're under attack, that's a trigger.
Speaker 1: Those are so that would be anything?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and then I think someone who.
Speaker 2: Basically if I feel like someone is taking away or
Speaker 2: telling me I'm being ridiculous, like invalidating my experience or
Speaker 2: invalidating my feelings, or I feel like I've just been
Speaker 2: completely and totally misunderstood.
Speaker 1: This happens at the holidays. They do you like this family?
Speaker 3: I mean, it can happen. I'm just like, look, it
Speaker 3: could happen.
Speaker 2: It can happen with your children, it can happen with
Speaker 2: your Wow, you know anybody. It's not just like I
Speaker 2: feel like, yeah, in life, I've experienced all of that.
Speaker 3: You haven't.
Speaker 1: I can't wait to see the VAM at holiday dinners.
Speaker 1: I would say, no, my triggers. What would you think
Speaker 1: my trigger? You? I am very curious to hear this.
Speaker 1: What what a trigger? What do you see that sets
Speaker 1: me off? A trigger the likes of which you just
Speaker 1: describe for yourself. Anything that triggers me that like, oh
Speaker 1: he gets going, he gets worked up, he's gonna get upset.
Speaker 1: He's going to fight back, He's gonna what is that thing?
Speaker 2: If someone tells you something that you think isn't genuine?
Speaker 2: If someone if someone is you always say you always
Speaker 2: say yeah.
Speaker 3: I know, I'm trying to think.
Speaker 2: But like I, I just believe that you get upset
Speaker 2: if you feel like someone is being disingenuous.
Speaker 3: That's like your number one trigger.
Speaker 1: But my react. I thought you were gonna say nothing,
Speaker 1: because there's not a whole lot that anybody can say
Speaker 1: to me that's gonna set me off because I am
Speaker 1: just calm and at peace, and I just I just
Speaker 1: don't react necessarily.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: I get upset about a lot of stuff, but usually
Speaker 1: see me get upset because uh time management. I haven't
Speaker 1: had enough sleep, I got too much work to do.
Speaker 1: I'm focusing on the wrong things. But people can say
Speaker 1: all kinds of anything to me. And I have worked
Speaker 1: hard with your tutelage to be honest with you of
Speaker 1: how to handle those moments and not react to things.
Speaker 1: We can all you can control. You can't control anything
Speaker 1: somebody does or says. I can control how I react
Speaker 1: to it. I took that to heart, and I've been
Speaker 1: working at that for the past three years. Probably yeah,
Speaker 1: And I've gotten to the point now where there ain't nothing.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you. You called me the N word, and
Speaker 1: I won't even blink twice I could.
Speaker 2: I don't think you will react in the moment. I
Speaker 2: do think that you have, and this is probably.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: Tell me if I'm wrong. During the holidays, we haven't
Speaker 2: really gone through them, not much together. This is going
Speaker 2: to be There are a lot of first that are
Speaker 2: happening with us this fall and winter. But you are
Speaker 2: an expectations person.
Speaker 3: You want to know.
Speaker 2: Exactly what you're walking into, who you're going to be
Speaker 2: talking to, and what the feeling of the room is
Speaker 2: going to be. And if your expectations get thrown like
Speaker 2: the reality is not what you thought, you have a
Speaker 2: tough time with that.
Speaker 1: May I'm a weird one because the expectations I only
Speaker 1: allow somebody else to set. I don't assume how you're
Speaker 1: going to behave I don't assume how you're going to react.
Speaker 1: But if you tell me you're going to be here
Speaker 1: at twelve fifteen and you show up at twelve twenty,
Speaker 1: you set my expectations. You did that. If you tell
Speaker 1: me only fifteen people are going to be at this party,
Speaker 1: and I get there and there are thirty two that
Speaker 1: hell with all, y'all, I'm out of here because you
Speaker 1: set my expectations. That really, that's your trigger.
Speaker 3: That's your trigger.
Speaker 1: I just got you set my expectation. And that's the thing.
Speaker 2: I know.
Speaker 1: I don't want anything from Silly, from Andy, from Robot
Speaker 1: unless you tell me you're gonna give it to me.
Speaker 2: Well, you, I get nervous because you asked me questions
Speaker 2: and I'm like, I don't know if I have the
Speaker 2: exact answer.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm okay with that. You didn't say
Speaker 1: an expectation.
Speaker 3: I've gotten a lot better at understanding that I have
Speaker 3: been thrown sometimes at when you get upset at things.
Speaker 3: And I've to the realization that I am better to
Speaker 3: either set like really low expectations or make you think
Speaker 3: things are going to be way worse than they are. Oh,
Speaker 3: then you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Speaker 2: Because I've realized that is your biggest trigger. Yeah I
Speaker 2: never thought about it like that, but it's your biggest trigger. Expectations, expectations.
Speaker 1: All right, folks, So we're gonna take a quick break,
Speaker 1: and I expect us to come right back after this
Speaker 1: break and we're going to continue. We got three more
Speaker 1: to get through. Things are going to help you avoid
Speaker 1: family drama during the holidays. All right, Welcome back, folks.
Speaker 1: We will continue here with our super producer Andy, who
Speaker 1: is helping you make it through the holidays without family
Speaker 1: drama around that Thanksgiving dinner table or Christmas dinner table,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. We went, We did one so far,
Speaker 1: we got three more to go. Andy, take it away,
Speaker 1: all right.
Speaker 4: The next one is conversational topics. Having a pocket full
Speaker 4: of topics to change the course of the evening can
Speaker 4: make you the unsung hero of the holiday. Good old,
Speaker 4: reliable stand ins or stand bys that can include plans
Speaker 4: for New Year's the best holiday movies, your favorite teachers
Speaker 4: back in the day, what have you been binging on
Speaker 4: TV lately? Or the best one of the bunch, So,
Speaker 4: what's been going on with you?
Speaker 1: Change the subject?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that, and it's important to actually, I think,
Speaker 2: have that plan in place, maybe even ahead of time.
Speaker 2: The other thing is this is a good stand by.
Speaker 2: My mom always told me this. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves.
Speaker 2: So if you can just start asking the questions, then
Speaker 2: you don't necessarily have to answer the tough ones.
Speaker 1: You've seen me do this a million times. People think
Speaker 1: I've no, I'm quiet at a lot of gatherings because
Speaker 1: all I do is ask a question. You get everybody
Speaker 1: engaged in talking about themselves, and it is nothing but
Speaker 1: peace is not You've seen me do this a million times.
Speaker 1: So I love that idea, But roads, are you really
Speaker 1: going to go in with a po not talking about
Speaker 1: a literal note, but the idea that you actually need
Speaker 1: to ahead of time prepare. So okay, I got this
Speaker 1: topic lined up, this topic lined up, this topic. So
Speaker 1: if this comes up, what about those lakers?
Speaker 2: I mean no, I mean I don't have planned questions
Speaker 2: or redirects, but I do think you can go in
Speaker 2: with a mindset that says, if things start to go
Speaker 2: down this road. By the way, this is what I've
Speaker 2: learned the hard way. You're never going to change someone
Speaker 2: else's minds in that moment, at that party, at that dinner,
Speaker 2: at that gathering. You are not going to convince somebody
Speaker 2: that they voted for the wrong person, or that they
Speaker 2: their support of this topic should be something else. You're
Speaker 2: never going to change anyone else's mind So once you've
Speaker 2: accepted that and acknowledged that it is a fool's errand to.
Speaker 3: Try and go do that.
Speaker 2: And I have been on that fool's errand and it
Speaker 2: never ends well. And so yes, I go into sometimes
Speaker 2: gatherings and just tell myself from mind myself, you have
Speaker 2: nothing to prove and no one to persuade.
Speaker 3: Just be curious.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you to be kind? Do you generally
Speaker 1: feel like you're on the defensive or the offensive? Do
Speaker 1: you ever feel like you're in a position at these
Speaker 1: dinners where you are maybe mistakingly so that you can
Speaker 1: realize afterwards, so you made an error in trying to
Speaker 1: convince somebody of a position that you have.
Speaker 2: Correct okay, on lots of issues that like you're never
Speaker 2: going to convince people to change their minds on gun control, abortion,
Speaker 2: you know, these are some of the weighty topics.
Speaker 1: Me too, Like don't talk about this family dinner.
Speaker 2: That would be in the past tense talked, talked, and
Speaker 2: it again. I have now learned it is silly to
Speaker 2: even try.
Speaker 1: Well, I am you know what we should do? Black
Speaker 1: lives matter? When I meet your family, I.
Speaker 3: Mean, that's a great idea for this next gathering. I
Speaker 3: think that works.
Speaker 1: I think it's a way to go.
Speaker 3: I feel like that's a that's a kind of a healthy,
Speaker 3: like new topic.
Speaker 1: I would like to hear what the fam think. You
Speaker 1: know what. I'm stopping now because I did this. We
Speaker 1: did this not too long ago to where we were
Speaker 1: recording a podcast and then we ended up listening to
Speaker 1: that podcast with your parents. You and I were in
Speaker 1: the car and we knew what was coming next that
Speaker 1: oh shit, oh no, So it's weird now to say something.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, her parents are going to
Speaker 1: hear this.
Speaker 3: And actually, right.
Speaker 2: Before we go to this family gathering, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: And again like, look, my mom came from a family,
Speaker 2: you know, nine of them to gather with my grandmother
Speaker 2: and grandfather, and they were like and there was no drinking.
Speaker 2: By the way, my grandmother Southern Baptist, so this was
Speaker 2: not in any way alcohol fueled.
Speaker 3: But I remember growing.
Speaker 2: Up and there would just be these big debates around
Speaker 2: the table my uncles and my aunts and my mom
Speaker 2: about politics, about religion, about finances, about everything, and again,
Speaker 2: not a drop of alcohol. But I grew up in
Speaker 2: a very debate fueled family. And part of the reason
Speaker 2: why maybe I felt comfortable going into the line of
Speaker 2: work I do because we all questioned one another. We
Speaker 2: challenged each other, and sometimes it got really heated. And
Speaker 2: I saw this as a kid, and it didn't seem
Speaker 2: that abnormal to me. But and again, this was just
Speaker 2: healthy and sometimes difficult debate.
Speaker 3: But I just grew up around it.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, we're gonna get to that. What's the next one?
Speaker 1: Number three? I got a question for you. I was
Speaker 1: gonna ask what is the worst blow up you can remember?
Speaker 1: But we got time for that. You can think on
Speaker 1: that one for a second. Go ahead, And it was
Speaker 1: number three, all right?
Speaker 4: Three is breaks, Take them and cherish them. Maybe you've
Speaker 4: got to go to the restroom. Maybe you need to
Speaker 4: see if anyone needs help in the kitchen. Perhaps you're
Speaker 4: even feeling generous and want to help get a start
Speaker 4: on cleaning up before around two kicks in. You don't
Speaker 4: need an excuse to step aside and take a breath.
Speaker 4: If you're a smoker, smoke breaks are your friend. Excuse yourself,
Speaker 4: take a breath and call it a day.
Speaker 1: Sounds like you you've wanted to take up smoking at
Speaker 1: some of your events.
Speaker 3: But no, no, no, no, it's not that bad.
Speaker 2: I don't want to pay this awful picture. It's like
Speaker 2: ninety five percent of the time, it's amazing. It's just
Speaker 2: I've had the five percent and maybe even less then,
Speaker 2: and so I know where it can go, and I
Speaker 2: know that I never wanted to go there again.
Speaker 1: Have you done that what he just described? Like just
Speaker 1: taking a beat? Sometimes you just make yourself busy, just
Speaker 1: go wash the dishes. Yeah, and I don't have to
Speaker 1: interact with anybody. I'm over here doing busy work.
Speaker 2: Coming. Yeah, No, that's really smart. It's it's always a
Speaker 2: good idea to take a beat. It's always a good
Speaker 2: idea to take a breath. I've definitely excused myself to
Speaker 2: use the restroom and taken deep breaths and said okay,
Speaker 2: like wow, yeah, redirect, redirect, let's not go there. And
Speaker 2: also just acknowledging your emotions and sometimes they're not in
Speaker 2: check with what's happening. You know. I can admit that
Speaker 2: sometimes you take something or I take something personally that
Speaker 2: the other person didn't intend. So sometimes it is really
Speaker 2: good to just take a breather.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, all right, what's the number four here? All right?
Speaker 4: Number four? Cut yourself some slack. There might be a
Speaker 4: moment where you feel some kind of guilt for losing
Speaker 4: your cool, but you're a human being, for Christ's sake.
Speaker 4: Let it go. Take a break, tell yourself a joke,
Speaker 4: and go hang out at the kids table where things
Speaker 4: are going to be a little less insane.
Speaker 3: That's hilarious.
Speaker 2: Hanging out of the kid's table where things are less insane,
Speaker 2: that's kind of funny.
Speaker 1: One of my favorite things to do in family gatherings
Speaker 1: my Connie, my aunt Connie, who was married to my
Speaker 1: Muslim uncle Larry, Uncle Mohammed. Sorry, Uncle Larry.
Speaker 3: He used to be Larry, and now he's Mohammed.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, he's Mohammed. Myho coming up, it's uncle Mohammed.
Speaker 1: But sometimes the family, his brothers and sisters flippant on
Speaker 1: a Larry. But his wife, Aunt Connie is one of
Speaker 1: my favorite people ever. If she walked in this door
Speaker 1: right now, and I haven't seen her in a couple
Speaker 1: of years, if she walked in right now, the first
Speaker 1: thing I would say to her tell me a joke,
Speaker 1: and she would have one ready. My entire life. Anytime
Speaker 1: we had a family gathering, I could go to her
Speaker 1: say hey, you got a joke. She always has one ready,
Speaker 1: and they were usually from the time I don't know,
Speaker 1: six ' seven they became dirty jokes. So she was
Speaker 1: always a blast for me. So you talk about getting
Speaker 1: away or stepping away, she no matter what, is something
Speaker 1: I could somebody I could turn to for that relief,
Speaker 1: not that the family was fighting, but to his point
Speaker 1: in what he was saying, what Andy was saying here
Speaker 1: in that explanation, you can find a way to take
Speaker 1: a break, and I find a way to get away.
Speaker 1: That was a place where I always found a safe
Speaker 1: little island with her, and to have that thing no
Speaker 1: matter what what was going on with the family.
Speaker 3: I love that.
Speaker 2: And you know, I think my family's always been the kitchen.
Speaker 2: You know, you go, you help out, you start cooking.
Speaker 2: I love the idea of just kind of pitching in
Speaker 2: and you get out of anything that might be tense
Speaker 2: or negative or.
Speaker 3: Potentially explosive. So yeah, and again I.
Speaker 2: Would just say people sometimes, or at least my family,
Speaker 2: they love hard and they're invested emotionally. This isn't We
Speaker 2: aren't talking about the weather, we aren't talking about you know,
Speaker 2: just surface things. I think my family has always not
Speaker 2: been afraid to go deep and to care intensely, and
Speaker 2: that can lead to some heated conversations. But I know
Speaker 2: the the bond is the depth in which we understand
Speaker 2: one another, and sometimes it leads to misunderstanding, but that
Speaker 2: does usually end up with it. I'm sorry and I'll
Speaker 2: do better, and I've learned from this.
Speaker 3: So yeah, it's families. That's what family does.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's okay, But I think so much of
Speaker 1: it is I think in the past, what could we say,
Speaker 1: I mean, how far can we go back? Certainly the
Speaker 1: Trump era, his first administration and on, so we're really
Speaker 1: talking about the past ten years. Maybe there's been so
Speaker 1: much talk about how difficult conversations at holiday and family
Speaker 1: gatherings have gotten.
Speaker 2: I mean, I think it even you know, I'll go
Speaker 2: way back. I mean, I think when you talk about
Speaker 2: the Bush administration, I mean there was always I feel
Speaker 2: like a pretty big political divide. And if you have
Speaker 2: a big enough family who live in different parts of
Speaker 2: the country, you're going to have very different viewpoints on
Speaker 2: a lot of different subjects. So in religion has always
Speaker 2: been a huge part of my family, on both sides,
Speaker 2: and so yeah, it's bonding and it's something that has
Speaker 2: brought the family together, but it also can.
Speaker 3: Be divisive, you know.
Speaker 2: It's just I think we've all learned over the years
Speaker 2: as the family has gotten bigger and more diverse. It's
Speaker 2: just part of the process, and I think that's a
Speaker 2: good thing. You're learning with people who you love to disagree.
Speaker 1: I agree, that's that's a good way to put it.
Speaker 1: It's okay. It sounds like a negative thing, right, Families
Speaker 1: get into it over the holidays, but it can also
Speaker 1: be a positive and just families do this, It's okay.
Speaker 1: Like I think he was saying one of them, just
Speaker 1: give yourself a break, and the whole family should give
Speaker 1: yourself a break. It's okay.
Speaker 2: You don't feel guilty if you said something you shouldn't have,
Speaker 2: and I certainly have.
Speaker 1: I don't want to fight on Thanksgiving.
Speaker 3: No no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 2: I think I think one of my favorite things to do.
Speaker 2: It sounds cheesy, push through it. You and I are
Speaker 2: about to have this experience together for the first time.
Speaker 2: But I do like to go around the table and
Speaker 2: say what we're grateful for. Oh God, I knew, I
Speaker 2: knew I was gonna get an eye roll.
Speaker 1: Crime. Are you kidding me? Are we really gonna have
Speaker 1: to do this?
Speaker 2: You don't have to do anything, you say that, No, no, no,
Speaker 2: you don't have to We're gonna have to put it's interesting.
Speaker 3: Are going to be forging our own traditions.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: They don't have to be what was or what used
Speaker 3: to be. It can be what is rand.
Speaker 1: New stuff okay. And to give it to the people
Speaker 1: once again, the four things they could possibly use to
Speaker 1: avoid some family drama.
Speaker 4: All right, you're going to own your triggers, you're going
Speaker 4: to have conversational topics, you're going to take breaks, and
Speaker 4: you're gonna cut yourself some slack like that.
Speaker 3: Those are all really doable.
Speaker 2: And I think I really do believe this going into
Speaker 2: some of these gatherings, if you just remind yourself of
Speaker 2: those four things, it'll be huge. Your mindset will be
Speaker 2: in a different place versus like, oh no, what's gonna
Speaker 2: happen or you're already getting on the defensive or you're
Speaker 2: already going on the offense. Just take a moment, read
Speaker 2: through those four things and say.
Speaker 3: I got this.
Speaker 4: I think healthy boundaries are important.
Speaker 3: Healthy boundaries.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yes, you're not great about the boundaries.
Speaker 3: I think that's another podcast, is it?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 3: Because I don't know what you're referring.
Speaker 1: To the boundaries.
Speaker 3: No, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1: You're not great about the boundaries. Okay, yeah, all right, okay, folks,
Speaker 1: And with that, we're going to end this podcast with
Speaker 1: a question mark. We can go fight. The drama begins already. Well, folks,
Speaker 1: we appreciate you listening as all ways. You can find
Speaker 1: us on our official show page on Instagram at Amy
Speaker 1: and TJ Podcast. You can find us there as well
Speaker 1: in our personal pages. But really, I hope some of
Speaker 1: this you can use you can implement in your family
Speaker 1: gatherings and enjoyed the family. That was a quote we
Speaker 1: used earlier today. What was the Muhammad I Lee quote
Speaker 1: we use in the morning run today? Do it actually
Speaker 1: really applies to this moment? It was an idea of
Speaker 1: not counting.
Speaker 3: Don't count the days, make the days count, Make.
Speaker 1: The days count. So that's something very important to keep
Speaker 1: in mind. You gotta make it's rare and we're running
Speaker 1: out of them. And look, the older we get, there
Speaker 1: are more there's more travel we make, not for family
Speaker 1: gatherings because of the holidays, but for family gatherings because
Speaker 1: of a funeral. Where you and I are at least
Speaker 1: are getting to that kind of age. So the idea
Speaker 1: that we would waste a single day or a single moment,
Speaker 1: especially a family holiday on some bs. Keep that in
Speaker 1: mind as well. We are limited in our number of
Speaker 1: family gatherings that we are going to get moving forward
Speaker 1: to make those days certainly