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Speaker 1: Hey, there're folks in this episode. The election is over,

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Speaker 1: but you got one last hurdle to get over before

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Speaker 1: you find peace, you gotta survive family holiday gatherings. And

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Speaker 1: with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Robes.

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Speaker 1: How are your family gatherings around the holidays? I know

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Speaker 1: you all are you know you like your wine and whatnot.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people like their drink around holidays, but

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Speaker 1: they say that adds sometimes to the combustible nature of

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Speaker 1: getting the whole family together. So how do you all

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Speaker 1: usually go?

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Speaker 2: Well, I mean, it's just depended on the year in politics,

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Speaker 2: what about an election year. Yeah, they're tough. They can

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Speaker 2: be tough. Yes, I've just I've had a couple years where,

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Speaker 2: either whether it was Christmas or even just a summer

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Speaker 2: get together, basically we had to come to a a

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Speaker 2: mutual understanding that talking about politics or religion usually doesn't

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Speaker 2: end well. And I know those are some staple rules

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Speaker 2: that a lot of folks employ, but look, I consider

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Speaker 2: it to be a blessing that I am surrounded by. Look,

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Speaker 2: my mom's one of nine, my dad's one of six.

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Speaker 2: These are big family get togethers of very varying views.

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Speaker 3: On all of the abus.

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Speaker 2: That's a blessing, say, because you're exposed to different ways

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Speaker 2: of thinking, and it isn't just this group think mentality

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Speaker 2: where it's us and against the world. So I've been

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Speaker 2: exposed to lots of different thoughts. However, yes, when you

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Speaker 2: mix all of those folks together in heated conversations with

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Speaker 2: some alcohol potentially thrown into the mix, it.

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Speaker 3: Can be, as you point out, combustible.

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Speaker 1: All right, So in this episode, we're actually going to

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Speaker 1: help you folks find ways to survive those holiday gatherings

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Speaker 1: a little better. We're going to have some have some rules,

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Speaker 1: some tips for you you to survive that family drama

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Speaker 1: or even to avoid it altogether. I don't have not

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Speaker 1: once in life do I remember any drama at any

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Speaker 1: family gather that is, So.

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Speaker 2: Do you all actually have in depth conversations about what's

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Speaker 2: happening in the world, what's happening in White House? Oh?

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Speaker 1: Natural conversation all the family got in my whole life.

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Speaker 1: Of course, you talk about all that stuff. It's local politics,

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Speaker 1: national politics, issues and whatnot. But again, I'm grew up

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Speaker 1: in it. Look, you know, I don't go back for

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Speaker 1: a lot of family gatherings, but certainly when I was

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Speaker 1: coming up and in my early adult years, But not

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Speaker 1: a single time was there drama of that nature that

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Speaker 1: got so heated at a family gathering that folks need

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Speaker 1: to be separated or somebody has to leave.

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Speaker 2: Not a that's remarkable time, that's remarkable. What to what

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Speaker 2: do you attribute that?

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Speaker 1: You know what? The greens and the chitlins, we were

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Speaker 1: all too exhausted.

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Speaker 3: The fight do you all have?

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Speaker 1: We had the.

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Speaker 3: Itis similar ways of thinking.

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Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay, but do you all are you all

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Speaker 2: of like mind? I mean, do you are you similar

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Speaker 2: in your beliefs? It doesn't have to be exact, but

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Speaker 2: basically similar in your beliefs?

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Speaker 1: Okay? How about this I have And most of those gatherings,

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Speaker 1: you have folks who would grow up, who grew up

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Speaker 1: and would never miss a single church service on Sunday

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Speaker 1: Sunday night and then went on Wednesday night. You had

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Speaker 1: other folks in there who wouldn't go to church for

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Speaker 1: any reason, so we weren't all aligned in on religious reasons.

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Speaker 1: The person who gave the said grace at every single

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Speaker 1: one of those family gatherings was my Muslim uncle. Right,

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Speaker 1: So if you want to talk about having conversations about religion.

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Speaker 1: I got a Muslim uncle given the prayer to a

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Speaker 1: bunch of Christians before we eat Thanksgiving and Christmas meal.

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Speaker 1: So no, we were kind of good in that regard,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So and again, I every

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Speaker 1: issue we just talk. It was just family. It was

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Speaker 1: it was. It never ever got heated. Granted it wasn't

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Speaker 1: a whole lot of alcohol. I'm not saying that was

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Speaker 1: that had to be a contributing factor at all. But

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Speaker 1: my family weren't big drinkers until I came along.

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Speaker 3: You came along well.

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Speaker 2: And I also just want to point out I don't

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Speaker 2: want to give some false impression that somehow I've got

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Speaker 2: these big, like rack His fights going on in my family.

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Speaker 1: Mostly there were somebody end up in the hospital.

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Speaker 3: No, you were so funny.

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Speaker 1: It was jail. I'm sorry, it was jail.

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Speaker 2: No.

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Speaker 3: Look, by and large, they're all wonderful.

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Speaker 2: I would actually say a lot of the issues were

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Speaker 2: between my brother and me.

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Speaker 1: Did you just say, by and large they're all wonderful

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Speaker 1: talking about your family.

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Speaker 2: Yes, by and by a large, I'm saying all of

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Speaker 2: the like the gatherings, they could be fifty people at Christmas.

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Speaker 2: I mean, it's crazy. It's a lot of people, and

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Speaker 2: mostly it's and look, it's just when you say you

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Speaker 2: and your brother, the few times I'm thinking of or

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Speaker 2: my brother and I his sibling.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, he is you all? You all the problem

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Speaker 1: at your family gathering, it's no.

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Speaker 2: It's it's it has happened once or twice. And then

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Speaker 2: I would say in other family gatherings, it's been other

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Speaker 2: people like having issues with one another. There are really

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Speaker 2: a lot of times it's personality conflicts.

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Speaker 1: What's the worst has gotten that somebody had to actually

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Speaker 1: do something that you like? Whoa well?

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Speaker 3: People have left early, storming out.

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Speaker 2: Maybe you no, I'm not going to have this conversation. Sorry,

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Speaker 2: these are bygone eras, and we've learned from our mistakes.

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Speaker 2: I have learned from mine. I know he has from his.

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Speaker 2: Uh Like, life gets hard enough, we don't need to

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Speaker 2: make it harder. And I think again this comes down

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Speaker 2: to maybe avoiding.

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Speaker 3: Certain subjects altogether, but.

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Speaker 2: Also being able to say you can feel how you feel,

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Speaker 2: and it it and I can feel how I feel.

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Speaker 2: It's about respect, and so I think sometimes personality conflicts,

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Speaker 2: past issues, past rivalries.

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Speaker 3: I've seen cousins, like, there have been issues.

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Speaker 2: And a lot of it is just deeply personal that

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Speaker 2: comes out maybe in other conversations. So it's my mom

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Speaker 2: has always said this, and I think about it all

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Speaker 2: the time. You're never fighting about what you're fighting about.

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Speaker 2: So even if you are fighting about politics or fight,

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Speaker 2: it's probably deeper than that. Like a lot of times,

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Speaker 2: if it gets to the level where someone has to

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Speaker 2: leave or someone's that upset, it's probably way deeper than

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Speaker 2: whether or not Trump got reelected.

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Speaker 1: And what does doctor Gardier always say? You say, your

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Speaker 1: mom says, you're not fighting about what you're fighting about.

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Speaker 1: Doctor Gardier says, you're not fighting about blank. It's how

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Speaker 1: you're fighting about it. Yeah, it's how you're fighting about finances,

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Speaker 1: how you're fighting about religion. It's how you're fighting about politics.

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Speaker 1: That's the problem.

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Speaker 2: It's true because what it is, neither person feels respected, regarded, heard,

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Speaker 2: listened to. You don't have to agree, And I think, look,

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Speaker 2: sometimes you learn lessons the hard way, and I certainly have.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so we're about to folks, how to avoid maybe

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Speaker 1: some of these hard lessons and avoid some of these

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Speaker 1: this drama, the storming out that happens at Robot's family

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Speaker 1: gatherings and the funny and it's funny we're talking about this.

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Speaker 1: We are only as we're recording this, we're only a

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Speaker 1: couple of days removed from me attending what will be

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Speaker 1: for the first time a big robock your family gathering.

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Speaker 1: We're actually going to I'm going to see everybody for

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Speaker 1: the first time here, and we're.

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Speaker 3: Going to be on one side.

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Speaker 2: So my mom is one of nine, it's the Stoleful family,

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Speaker 2: and my dad is one of six. So you are

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Speaker 2: going to meet my mom's side of the family. And yes,

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Speaker 2: she has eight siblings.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna be great.

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Speaker 3: And they are all going to be in attendance.

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Speaker 1: All right, then we will report back. But all this

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Speaker 1: is coming out because our super producer Andy in here

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Speaker 1: has hooked us up with well hooked you up. Actually

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Speaker 1: he has found ways in a list of things to

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Speaker 1: avoid or to help you avoid family drama during Thanksgiving

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Speaker 1: dinner or Christmas dinner, whatever holiday gathering. So he found

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Speaker 1: this for as we have not heard these yet, but

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Speaker 1: so it's always fun. He surprises us on these. So

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Speaker 1: and you take it away, tell us what this list

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Speaker 1: is exactly, and then go for it absolutely.

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Speaker 4: So, like you said, the holidays are coming up and

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Speaker 4: family drama is inevitable.

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Speaker 3: Apparently not in the Holmes house, just so you know

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Speaker 3: who knew.

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Speaker 4: So this comes from Refinery twenty nine. It's just telling

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Speaker 4: us about four things that you can do to avoid

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Speaker 4: the family drama during these dinners that you're going to

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Speaker 4: be having during the holiday season. So I'll start with

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Speaker 4: number one. It's own your triggers. Other people know what

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Speaker 4: sets you off, so you should make it a point

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Speaker 4: to be aware too, even if you're not necessarily proud

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Speaker 4: of it. If you know that someone's prying into why

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Speaker 4: you're still single or a political issue that they know

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Speaker 4: annoys the crap out of you, be prepared with a

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Speaker 4: game plan to step away from the table when you

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Speaker 4: see it coming, or to have diversion, prepared to take

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Speaker 4: things in a different direction.

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Speaker 1: Wow, are you ready?

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Speaker 3: Ropes?

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Speaker 2: I love that, And because you know what it is,

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Speaker 2: that is something that you can control. I and anyone

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Speaker 2: who walks into something thinking my god, what could happen?

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Speaker 3: What could someone say to me? You know what, It's okay.

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Speaker 2: You can't control what anyone else does or say it

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Speaker 2: says to you, but you absolutely have the power to

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Speaker 2: have a decision to not react.

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Speaker 1: Have you failed at that? I have no family.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I have absolutely failed, and I do think acknowledging

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Speaker 2: and it is hard to admit like it's your trigger.

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Speaker 3: So don't put the blame on someone else.

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Speaker 2: You have a sensitivity to something, You get bothered by something,

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Speaker 2: and so you have to own that and accept that

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Speaker 2: and then say I'm not going to react. I heard

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Speaker 2: you can wait what it is.

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Speaker 3: I'm trying to say it right, but I'm going to

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Speaker 3: probably say it rung.

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Speaker 1: No, you're doing grace of art.

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Speaker 2: It's it's a way to say I'm not going to react.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to respond, and by responding, it's a deliberate

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Speaker 2: choice to say, hey, I'm either going to walk away

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Speaker 2: from this or I appreciate your two cents. I disagree,

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Speaker 2: but thank you.

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Speaker 1: The triggers. What are your triggers that you know if

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Speaker 1: you hear at a family gathering, you know that's gonna

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Speaker 1: set you off.

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Speaker 2: Anyone who questions your integrity and your choices that that's

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Speaker 2: always a trigger.

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Speaker 1: That's a politics thing, it sounds.

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Speaker 2: Like one hundred percent, and also personal choices in your life,

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Speaker 2: whether it's you know, you're single, you're not, you're getting divorced,

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Speaker 2: anything that you've chosen that you've decided. If you feel

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Speaker 2: like you're under attack, that's a trigger.

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Speaker 1: Those are so that would be anything?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and then I think someone who.

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Speaker 2: Basically if I feel like someone is taking away or

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Speaker 2: telling me I'm being ridiculous, like invalidating my experience or

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Speaker 2: invalidating my feelings, or I feel like I've just been

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Speaker 2: completely and totally misunderstood.

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Speaker 1: This happens at the holidays. They do you like this family?

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Speaker 3: I mean, it can happen. I'm just like, look, it

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Speaker 3: could happen.

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Speaker 2: It can happen with your children, it can happen with

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Speaker 2: your Wow, you know anybody. It's not just like I

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Speaker 2: feel like, yeah, in life, I've experienced all of that.

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Speaker 3: You haven't.

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Speaker 1: I can't wait to see the VAM at holiday dinners.

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Speaker 1: I would say, no, my triggers. What would you think

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Speaker 1: my trigger? You? I am very curious to hear this.

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Speaker 1: What what a trigger? What do you see that sets

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Speaker 1: me off? A trigger the likes of which you just

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Speaker 1: describe for yourself. Anything that triggers me that like, oh

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Speaker 1: he gets going, he gets worked up, he's gonna get upset.

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Speaker 1: He's going to fight back, He's gonna what is that thing?

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Speaker 2: If someone tells you something that you think isn't genuine?

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Speaker 2: If someone if someone is you always say you always

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Speaker 2: say yeah.

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Speaker 3: I know, I'm trying to think.

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Speaker 2: But like I, I just believe that you get upset

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Speaker 2: if you feel like someone is being disingenuous.

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Speaker 3: That's like your number one trigger.

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Speaker 1: But my react. I thought you were gonna say nothing,

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Speaker 1: because there's not a whole lot that anybody can say

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Speaker 1: to me that's gonna set me off because I am

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Speaker 1: just calm and at peace, and I just I just

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Speaker 1: don't react necessarily.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: I get upset about a lot of stuff, but usually

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Speaker 1: see me get upset because uh time management. I haven't

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Speaker 1: had enough sleep, I got too much work to do.

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Speaker 1: I'm focusing on the wrong things. But people can say

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Speaker 1: all kinds of anything to me. And I have worked

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Speaker 1: hard with your tutelage to be honest with you of

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Speaker 1: how to handle those moments and not react to things.

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Speaker 1: We can all you can control. You can't control anything

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Speaker 1: somebody does or says. I can control how I react

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Speaker 1: to it. I took that to heart, and I've been

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Speaker 1: working at that for the past three years. Probably yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I've gotten to the point now where there ain't nothing.

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you. You called me the N word, and

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Speaker 1: I won't even blink twice I could.

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Speaker 2: I don't think you will react in the moment. I

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Speaker 2: do think that you have, and this is probably.

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Speaker 3: I don't know.

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Speaker 2: Tell me if I'm wrong. During the holidays, we haven't

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Speaker 2: really gone through them, not much together. This is going

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Speaker 2: to be There are a lot of first that are

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Speaker 2: happening with us this fall and winter. But you are

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Speaker 2: an expectations person.

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Speaker 3: You want to know.

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Speaker 2: Exactly what you're walking into, who you're going to be

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Speaker 2: talking to, and what the feeling of the room is

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Speaker 2: going to be. And if your expectations get thrown like

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Speaker 2: the reality is not what you thought, you have a

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Speaker 2: tough time with that.

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Speaker 1: May I'm a weird one because the expectations I only

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Speaker 1: allow somebody else to set. I don't assume how you're

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Speaker 1: going to behave I don't assume how you're going to react.

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Speaker 1: But if you tell me you're going to be here

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Speaker 1: at twelve fifteen and you show up at twelve twenty,

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Speaker 1: you set my expectations. You did that. If you tell

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Speaker 1: me only fifteen people are going to be at this party,

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Speaker 1: and I get there and there are thirty two that

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Speaker 1: hell with all, y'all, I'm out of here because you

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Speaker 1: set my expectations. That really, that's your trigger.

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Speaker 3: That's your trigger.

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Speaker 1: I just got you set my expectation. And that's the thing.

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Speaker 2: I know.

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Speaker 1: I don't want anything from Silly, from Andy, from Robot

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Speaker 1: unless you tell me you're gonna give it to me.

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Speaker 2: Well, you, I get nervous because you asked me questions

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, I don't know if I have the

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Speaker 2: exact answer.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm okay with that. You didn't say

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Speaker 1: an expectation.

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Speaker 3: I've gotten a lot better at understanding that I have

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Speaker 3: been thrown sometimes at when you get upset at things.

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Speaker 3: And I've to the realization that I am better to

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Speaker 3: either set like really low expectations or make you think

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Speaker 3: things are going to be way worse than they are. Oh,

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Speaker 3: then you'll be pleasantly surprised.

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Speaker 2: Because I've realized that is your biggest trigger. Yeah I

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Speaker 2: never thought about it like that, but it's your biggest trigger. Expectations, expectations.

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Speaker 1: All right, folks, So we're gonna take a quick break,

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Speaker 1: and I expect us to come right back after this

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Speaker 1: break and we're going to continue. We got three more

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Speaker 1: to get through. Things are going to help you avoid

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Speaker 1: family drama during the holidays. All right, Welcome back, folks.

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Speaker 1: We will continue here with our super producer Andy, who

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Speaker 1: is helping you make it through the holidays without family

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Speaker 1: drama around that Thanksgiving dinner table or Christmas dinner table,

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Speaker 1: whatever it may be. We went, We did one so far,

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Speaker 1: we got three more to go. Andy, take it away,

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Speaker 1: all right.

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Speaker 4: The next one is conversational topics. Having a pocket full

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Speaker 4: of topics to change the course of the evening can

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Speaker 4: make you the unsung hero of the holiday. Good old,

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Speaker 4: reliable stand ins or stand bys that can include plans

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Speaker 4: for New Year's the best holiday movies, your favorite teachers

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Speaker 4: back in the day, what have you been binging on

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Speaker 4: TV lately? Or the best one of the bunch, So,

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Speaker 4: what's been going on with you?

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Speaker 1: Change the subject?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that, and it's important to actually, I think,

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Speaker 2: have that plan in place, maybe even ahead of time.

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Speaker 2: The other thing is this is a good stand by.

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Speaker 2: My mom always told me this. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves.

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Speaker 2: So if you can just start asking the questions, then

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Speaker 2: you don't necessarily have to answer the tough ones.

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Speaker 1: You've seen me do this a million times. People think

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Speaker 1: I've no, I'm quiet at a lot of gatherings because

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Speaker 1: all I do is ask a question. You get everybody

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Speaker 1: engaged in talking about themselves, and it is nothing but

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Speaker 1: peace is not You've seen me do this a million times.

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Speaker 1: So I love that idea, But roads, are you really

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Speaker 1: going to go in with a po not talking about

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Speaker 1: a literal note, but the idea that you actually need

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Speaker 1: to ahead of time prepare. So okay, I got this

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Speaker 1: topic lined up, this topic lined up, this topic. So

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Speaker 1: if this comes up, what about those lakers?

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Speaker 2: I mean no, I mean I don't have planned questions

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Speaker 2: or redirects, but I do think you can go in

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Speaker 2: with a mindset that says, if things start to go

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Speaker 2: down this road. By the way, this is what I've

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Speaker 2: learned the hard way. You're never going to change someone

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Speaker 2: else's minds in that moment, at that party, at that dinner,

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Speaker 2: at that gathering. You are not going to convince somebody

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Speaker 2: that they voted for the wrong person, or that they

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Speaker 2: their support of this topic should be something else. You're

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Speaker 2: never going to change anyone else's mind So once you've

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Speaker 2: accepted that and acknowledged that it is a fool's errand to.

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Speaker 3: Try and go do that.

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Speaker 2: And I have been on that fool's errand and it

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Speaker 2: never ends well. And so yes, I go into sometimes

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Speaker 2: gatherings and just tell myself from mind myself, you have

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Speaker 2: nothing to prove and no one to persuade.

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Speaker 3: Just be curious.

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Speaker 1: Can I ask you to be kind? Do you generally

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Speaker 1: feel like you're on the defensive or the offensive? Do

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Speaker 1: you ever feel like you're in a position at these

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Speaker 1: dinners where you are maybe mistakingly so that you can

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Speaker 1: realize afterwards, so you made an error in trying to

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Speaker 1: convince somebody of a position that you have.

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Speaker 2: Correct okay, on lots of issues that like you're never

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Speaker 2: going to convince people to change their minds on gun control, abortion,

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Speaker 2: you know, these are some of the weighty topics.

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Speaker 1: Me too, Like don't talk about this family dinner.

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Speaker 2: That would be in the past tense talked, talked, and

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Speaker 2: it again. I have now learned it is silly to

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Speaker 2: even try.

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Speaker 1: Well, I am you know what we should do? Black

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Speaker 1: lives matter? When I meet your family, I.

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Speaker 3: Mean, that's a great idea for this next gathering. I

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Speaker 3: think that works.

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Speaker 1: I think it's a way to go.

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Speaker 3: I feel like that's a that's a kind of a healthy,

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Speaker 3: like new topic.

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Speaker 1: I would like to hear what the fam think. You

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Speaker 1: know what. I'm stopping now because I did this. We

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Speaker 1: did this not too long ago to where we were

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Speaker 1: recording a podcast and then we ended up listening to

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Speaker 1: that podcast with your parents. You and I were in

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Speaker 1: the car and we knew what was coming next that

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Speaker 1: oh shit, oh no, So it's weird now to say something.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, her parents are going to

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Speaker 1: hear this.

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Speaker 3: And actually, right.

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Speaker 2: Before we go to this family gathering, no, no, no,

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Speaker 2: And again like, look, my mom came from a family,

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Speaker 2: you know, nine of them to gather with my grandmother

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Speaker 2: and grandfather, and they were like and there was no drinking.

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Speaker 2: By the way, my grandmother Southern Baptist, so this was

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Speaker 2: not in any way alcohol fueled.

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Speaker 3: But I remember growing.

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Speaker 2: Up and there would just be these big debates around

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Speaker 2: the table my uncles and my aunts and my mom

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Speaker 2: about politics, about religion, about finances, about everything, and again,

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Speaker 2: not a drop of alcohol. But I grew up in

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Speaker 2: a very debate fueled family. And part of the reason

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Speaker 2: why maybe I felt comfortable going into the line of

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Speaker 2: work I do because we all questioned one another. We

401
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,159
Speaker 2: challenged each other, and sometimes it got really heated. And

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Speaker 2: I saw this as a kid, and it didn't seem

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Speaker 2: that abnormal to me. But and again, this was just

404
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Speaker 2: healthy and sometimes difficult debate.

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Speaker 3: But I just grew up around it.

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Speaker 1: Okay, okay, we're gonna get to that. What's the next one?

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Speaker 1: Number three? I got a question for you. I was

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Speaker 1: gonna ask what is the worst blow up you can remember?

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Speaker 1: But we got time for that. You can think on

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Speaker 1: that one for a second. Go ahead, And it was

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Speaker 1: number three, all right?

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Speaker 4: Three is breaks, Take them and cherish them. Maybe you've

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Speaker 4: got to go to the restroom. Maybe you need to

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Speaker 4: see if anyone needs help in the kitchen. Perhaps you're

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Speaker 4: even feeling generous and want to help get a start

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Speaker 4: on cleaning up before around two kicks in. You don't

417
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,000
Speaker 4: need an excuse to step aside and take a breath.

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Speaker 4: If you're a smoker, smoke breaks are your friend. Excuse yourself,

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Speaker 4: take a breath and call it a day.

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Speaker 1: Sounds like you you've wanted to take up smoking at

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Speaker 1: some of your events.

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Speaker 3: But no, no, no, no, it's not that bad.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to pay this awful picture. It's like

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Speaker 2: ninety five percent of the time, it's amazing. It's just

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00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:35,239
Speaker 2: I've had the five percent and maybe even less then,

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Speaker 2: and so I know where it can go, and I

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Speaker 2: know that I never wanted to go there again.

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Speaker 1: Have you done that what he just described? Like just

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Speaker 1: taking a beat? Sometimes you just make yourself busy, just

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Speaker 1: go wash the dishes. Yeah, and I don't have to

431
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Speaker 1: interact with anybody. I'm over here doing busy work.

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Speaker 2: Coming. Yeah, No, that's really smart. It's it's always a

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Speaker 2: good idea to take a beat. It's always a good

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Speaker 2: idea to take a breath. I've definitely excused myself to

435
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Speaker 2: use the restroom and taken deep breaths and said okay,

436
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,080
Speaker 2: like wow, yeah, redirect, redirect, let's not go there. And

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00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:07,679
Speaker 2: also just acknowledging your emotions and sometimes they're not in

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Speaker 2: check with what's happening. You know. I can admit that

439
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:13,920
Speaker 2: sometimes you take something or I take something personally that

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Speaker 2: the other person didn't intend. So sometimes it is really

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Speaker 2: good to just take a breather.

442
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,080
Speaker 1: Oh wow, all right, what's the number four here? All right?

443
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,399
Speaker 4: Number four? Cut yourself some slack. There might be a

444
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,480
Speaker 4: moment where you feel some kind of guilt for losing

445
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,680
Speaker 4: your cool, but you're a human being, for Christ's sake.

446
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,360
Speaker 4: Let it go. Take a break, tell yourself a joke,

447
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,200
Speaker 4: and go hang out at the kids table where things

448
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,639
Speaker 4: are going to be a little less insane.

449
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:37,520
Speaker 3: That's hilarious.

450
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,880
Speaker 2: Hanging out of the kid's table where things are less insane,

451
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:40,760
Speaker 2: that's kind of funny.

452
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,440
Speaker 1: One of my favorite things to do in family gatherings

453
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:49,520
Speaker 1: my Connie, my aunt Connie, who was married to my

454
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,639
Speaker 1: Muslim uncle Larry, Uncle Mohammed. Sorry, Uncle Larry.

455
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,200
Speaker 3: He used to be Larry, and now he's Mohammed.

456
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,520
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, he's Mohammed. Myho coming up, it's uncle Mohammed.

457
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,080
Speaker 1: But sometimes the family, his brothers and sisters flippant on

458
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:05,680
Speaker 1: a Larry. But his wife, Aunt Connie is one of

459
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:09,880
Speaker 1: my favorite people ever. If she walked in this door

460
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,000
Speaker 1: right now, and I haven't seen her in a couple

461
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,119
Speaker 1: of years, if she walked in right now, the first

462
00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:16,080
Speaker 1: thing I would say to her tell me a joke,

463
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:21,000
Speaker 1: and she would have one ready. My entire life. Anytime

464
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,240
Speaker 1: we had a family gathering, I could go to her

465
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,560
Speaker 1: say hey, you got a joke. She always has one ready,

466
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,720
Speaker 1: and they were usually from the time I don't know,

467
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:34,240
Speaker 1: six ' seven they became dirty jokes. So she was

468
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,200
Speaker 1: always a blast for me. So you talk about getting

469
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:40,520
Speaker 1: away or stepping away, she no matter what, is something

470
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,160
Speaker 1: I could somebody I could turn to for that relief,

471
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,720
Speaker 1: not that the family was fighting, but to his point

472
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,640
Speaker 1: in what he was saying, what Andy was saying here

473
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,480
Speaker 1: in that explanation, you can find a way to take

474
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,040
Speaker 1: a break, and I find a way to get away.

475
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:56,280
Speaker 1: That was a place where I always found a safe

476
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 1: little island with her, and to have that thing no

477
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,320
Speaker 1: matter what what was going on with the family.

478
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:01,879
Speaker 3: I love that.

479
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,479
Speaker 2: And you know, I think my family's always been the kitchen.

480
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,439
Speaker 2: You know, you go, you help out, you start cooking.

481
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:09,440
Speaker 2: I love the idea of just kind of pitching in

482
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 2: and you get out of anything that might be tense

483
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:14,200
Speaker 2: or negative or.

484
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,800
Speaker 3: Potentially explosive. So yeah, and again I.

485
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,560
Speaker 2: Would just say people sometimes, or at least my family,

486
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:27,000
Speaker 2: they love hard and they're invested emotionally. This isn't We

487
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,120
Speaker 2: aren't talking about the weather, we aren't talking about you know,

488
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 2: just surface things. I think my family has always not

489
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,920
Speaker 2: been afraid to go deep and to care intensely, and

490
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 2: that can lead to some heated conversations. But I know

491
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:49,160
Speaker 2: the the bond is the depth in which we understand

492
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,840
Speaker 2: one another, and sometimes it leads to misunderstanding, but that

493
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,880
Speaker 2: does usually end up with it. I'm sorry and I'll

494
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:56,679
Speaker 2: do better, and I've learned from this.

495
00:23:57,359 --> 00:23:59,800
Speaker 3: So yeah, it's families. That's what family does.

496
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's okay, But I think so much of

497
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 1: it is I think in the past, what could we say,

498
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:07,919
Speaker 1: I mean, how far can we go back? Certainly the

499
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,840
Speaker 1: Trump era, his first administration and on, so we're really

500
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,119
Speaker 1: talking about the past ten years. Maybe there's been so

501
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:18,359
Speaker 1: much talk about how difficult conversations at holiday and family

502
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:19,399
Speaker 1: gatherings have gotten.

503
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,600
Speaker 2: I mean, I think it even you know, I'll go

504
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,400
Speaker 2: way back. I mean, I think when you talk about

505
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,520
Speaker 2: the Bush administration, I mean there was always I feel

506
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:30,639
Speaker 2: like a pretty big political divide. And if you have

507
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,040
Speaker 2: a big enough family who live in different parts of

508
00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:36,560
Speaker 2: the country, you're going to have very different viewpoints on

509
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,800
Speaker 2: a lot of different subjects. So in religion has always

510
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,240
Speaker 2: been a huge part of my family, on both sides,

511
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:48,239
Speaker 2: and so yeah, it's bonding and it's something that has

512
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:49,919
Speaker 2: brought the family together, but it also can.

513
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:50,560
Speaker 3: Be divisive, you know.

514
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:54,120
Speaker 2: It's just I think we've all learned over the years

515
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:58,360
Speaker 2: as the family has gotten bigger and more diverse. It's

516
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,760
Speaker 2: just part of the process, and I think that's a

517
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:05,000
Speaker 2: good thing. You're learning with people who you love to disagree.

518
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,080
Speaker 1: I agree, that's that's a good way to put it.

519
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,800
Speaker 1: It's okay. It sounds like a negative thing, right, Families

520
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,920
Speaker 1: get into it over the holidays, but it can also

521
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,040
Speaker 1: be a positive and just families do this, It's okay.

522
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,080
Speaker 1: Like I think he was saying one of them, just

523
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:20,399
Speaker 1: give yourself a break, and the whole family should give

524
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:21,359
Speaker 1: yourself a break. It's okay.

525
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,119
Speaker 2: You don't feel guilty if you said something you shouldn't have,

526
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:25,199
Speaker 2: and I certainly have.

527
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,119
Speaker 1: I don't want to fight on Thanksgiving.

528
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,520
Speaker 3: No no, no, no, no no.

529
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,040
Speaker 2: I think I think one of my favorite things to do.

530
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,840
Speaker 2: It sounds cheesy, push through it. You and I are

531
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,280
Speaker 2: about to have this experience together for the first time.

532
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,560
Speaker 2: But I do like to go around the table and

533
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:47,320
Speaker 2: say what we're grateful for. Oh God, I knew, I

534
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:48,720
Speaker 2: knew I was gonna get an eye roll.

535
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,480
Speaker 1: Crime. Are you kidding me? Are we really gonna have

536
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:51,880
Speaker 1: to do this?

537
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:57,680
Speaker 2: You don't have to do anything, you say that, No, no, no,

538
00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,960
Speaker 2: you don't have to We're gonna have to put it's interesting.

539
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,840
Speaker 3: Are going to be forging our own traditions.

540
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:03,359
Speaker 1: Okay.

541
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,360
Speaker 3: They don't have to be what was or what used

542
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 3: to be. It can be what is rand.

543
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,920
Speaker 1: New stuff okay. And to give it to the people

544
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,800
Speaker 1: once again, the four things they could possibly use to

545
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,159
Speaker 1: avoid some family drama.

546
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,080
Speaker 4: All right, you're going to own your triggers, you're going

547
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:21,040
Speaker 4: to have conversational topics, you're going to take breaks, and

548
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,280
Speaker 4: you're gonna cut yourself some slack like that.

549
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:25,880
Speaker 3: Those are all really doable.

550
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,879
Speaker 2: And I think I really do believe this going into

551
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:34,000
Speaker 2: some of these gatherings, if you just remind yourself of

552
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:37,840
Speaker 2: those four things, it'll be huge. Your mindset will be

553
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,760
Speaker 2: in a different place versus like, oh no, what's gonna

554
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,719
Speaker 2: happen or you're already getting on the defensive or you're

555
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:46,920
Speaker 2: already going on the offense. Just take a moment, read

556
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:49,040
Speaker 2: through those four things and say.

557
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:49,520
Speaker 3: I got this.

558
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:53,960
Speaker 4: I think healthy boundaries are important.

559
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:55,520
Speaker 3: Healthy boundaries.

560
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, yes, you're not great about the boundaries.

561
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 3: I think that's another podcast, is it?

562
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:02,480
Speaker 1: Okay?

563
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,600
Speaker 3: Because I don't know what you're referring.

564
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 1: To the boundaries.

565
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,520
Speaker 3: No, yeah, I don't.

566
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:12,720
Speaker 1: You're not great about the boundaries. Okay, yeah, all right, okay, folks,

567
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,240
Speaker 1: And with that, we're going to end this podcast with

568
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:22,200
Speaker 1: a question mark. We can go fight. The drama begins already. Well, folks,

569
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,400
Speaker 1: we appreciate you listening as all ways. You can find

570
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,560
Speaker 1: us on our official show page on Instagram at Amy

571
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: and TJ Podcast. You can find us there as well

572
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:32,639
Speaker 1: in our personal pages. But really, I hope some of

573
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,200
Speaker 1: this you can use you can implement in your family

574
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,439
Speaker 1: gatherings and enjoyed the family. That was a quote we

575
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,600
Speaker 1: used earlier today. What was the Muhammad I Lee quote

576
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,320
Speaker 1: we use in the morning run today? Do it actually

577
00:27:44,359 --> 00:27:47,960
Speaker 1: really applies to this moment? It was an idea of

578
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:49,880
Speaker 1: not counting.

579
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,560
Speaker 3: Don't count the days, make the days count, Make.

580
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,600
Speaker 1: The days count. So that's something very important to keep

581
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,800
Speaker 1: in mind. You gotta make it's rare and we're running

582
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:02,120
Speaker 1: out of them. And look, the older we get, there

583
00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:05,439
Speaker 1: are more there's more travel we make, not for family

584
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 1: gatherings because of the holidays, but for family gatherings because

585
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:11,520
Speaker 1: of a funeral. Where you and I are at least

586
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,800
Speaker 1: are getting to that kind of age. So the idea

587
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,080
Speaker 1: that we would waste a single day or a single moment,

588
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:21,800
Speaker 1: especially a family holiday on some bs. Keep that in

589
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:24,560
Speaker 1: mind as well. We are limited in our number of

590
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,480
Speaker 1: family gatherings that we are going to get moving forward

591
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:28,919
Speaker 1: to make those days certainly