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Speaker 1: Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of the p

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Speaker 1: s G podcast. It's Your Girl and A. I'm super

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Speaker 1: excited about this week's episode. Before the begeard, you know

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Speaker 1: the routine, Let's do a little housekeeping first. Uh, please

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Speaker 1: make sure you follow me on all social media platforms

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Speaker 1: at the Professional Homegirl, at the PhD podcast, and at

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Speaker 1: eban a Beauty. Make sure you visit my website at

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Speaker 1: www dot the Professional Homegirl dot com and at and

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Speaker 1: a beauty dot com. And for those of you that

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Speaker 1: don't know how to spell, my name is E B

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Speaker 1: O N E. And last, but not least, make sure

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Speaker 1: you're right and review the PSD podcast on all major

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Speaker 1: streaming podcast platforms. So please keep in mind that all

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Speaker 1: of my guests are anonymous. So let's begin. So I'm

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Speaker 1: super excited about this episode. I feel like a lot

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Speaker 1: of times, um, especially with women, were so open when

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Speaker 1: it comes to like having daddy issues, and I think

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Speaker 1: that a lot of people are not open with disgusting

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Speaker 1: mommy issues. So with my guests, I've been knowing her

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Speaker 1: for it but almost a year, and I think that

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Speaker 1: we had cultivated a really good friendship. We talked about

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Speaker 1: a lot of deep things, which is so crazy. I

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Speaker 1: love talking. If we're going to talk talk deep right right. Um.

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Speaker 1: So I'm really excited about this because I'm gonna also

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Speaker 1: share some of my own experiences with my own mother,

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Speaker 1: and like my guests, she's gonna open up and tell

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Speaker 1: us about her own experience because I think, like I said,

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Speaker 1: a lot of women will be able to relate to

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Speaker 1: this topic. UM So, what was the first age you

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Speaker 1: realized that your relationship with your mom was not the

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Speaker 1: same as others? Um. I realized my relationship with my

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Speaker 1: mom wasn't the same when I was in junior high school.

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Speaker 1: Junior high school at all started. My mom was very

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Speaker 1: she was all of you know, I'm cribbing, I'm cribbying.

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Speaker 1: You know I'm patient, so say right, you know, and

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Speaker 1: they're just super controlling, very religious. By the book, Um,

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Speaker 1: you can't have friends like it's just you have to

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Speaker 1: come straight home. So I always disliked the fact that

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Speaker 1: my mom was so controlling. Um and if you wasn't happy,

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Speaker 1: don't express yourself like that was that was brought to

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Speaker 1: me from when I was really really young, Like I

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Speaker 1: couldn't be inquisitive. Um, And I just God forbid I

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Speaker 1: was crying, or God forbid I was sad about something.

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Speaker 1: I would get a beating mm hmm instead of asking

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Speaker 1: me like what's wrong, or I never got like how

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Speaker 1: was your day? Like I was bullied, you know, but

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Speaker 1: she would never ask about it. And actually maybe it

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Speaker 1: started before doing to high school. I have just maybe

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Speaker 1: it started way before thinking about certain things. And there

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Speaker 1: was a time when I had a racist. UM, I

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Speaker 1: would definitely say she's wait, I realized she's racist now

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Speaker 1: because she wasn't very nice to the black kids. Um.

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Speaker 1: You know when I was in second grade, Um, she

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Speaker 1: wouldn't let me use the bathroom and the teacher, yeah,

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Speaker 1: she wouldn't let me use the bathroom him. And I

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Speaker 1: was like almost in tears because I was like trying

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Speaker 1: to hold my yearine, I mean year seven, you know,

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Speaker 1: trying to hold you in and she wouldn't let me

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Speaker 1: use it. And I started crying because I was peeing

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Speaker 1: on myself in class day. I was traumatizing. It is traumatizing.

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Speaker 1: I got I mean numbers. I was already bullied and

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Speaker 1: that just made it worse. I am my, my mom

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Speaker 1: picked me up. You know. It's funny because this girl

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Speaker 1: she knew that my mom was really rough. It wasn't

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Speaker 1: her fault, you know, she said it wasn't my fault,

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Speaker 1: you know, but I still got a beating for it.

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Speaker 1: My mom didn't like ask me like what happened, or

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Speaker 1: she didn't like defend me. She didn't confront the teacher

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Speaker 1: or anything. She just automatically like beat me for something

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Speaker 1: that I couldn't control, you know. Um, So I would

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Speaker 1: never really speak to her or anything like that. I

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Speaker 1: was more of like the daddy's girl. I always wanted

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Speaker 1: to be with my father because my father was nurturing,

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Speaker 1: you know. My father was the empathetic one. You know.

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Speaker 1: My mother really wasn't. So I didn't really communicate with her.

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Speaker 1: But junior high school, you know, when my hormones kicked in,

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Speaker 1: when when I became a little bit even more inquisitive,

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Speaker 1: especially about my sexuality. You know, Um, I was really

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Speaker 1: closed and I really didn't speak to her because we

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Speaker 1: couldn't ask her anything, you know. So it was it

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Speaker 1: was tough. So I know a couple of even if

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Speaker 1: that happened to you while you were growing up, um,

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Speaker 1: and you can elaborate on them if you want. How

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Speaker 1: did your mom play a role in them. Oh child,

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Speaker 1: let's start with I think seven. It's funny because I

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Speaker 1: remember things like from when I was like five. Um,

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Speaker 1: you know, so when I was five, I remember getting

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Speaker 1: me a lot because I knew that I liked girls

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Speaker 1: from then. And when my my mom was a housewife,

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Speaker 1: you know, so a lot of the working parents would

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Speaker 1: leave there, especially if they were Haitian. You know, they

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Speaker 1: trusted my mom, so they would leave their daughters or

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Speaker 1: their sons with my mom. Um. But it was the

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Speaker 1: girls I was highly interested in. Like I was caught

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Speaker 1: kissing them a lot, and I would get a beating

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Speaker 1: for it. Um she even actually like anything about it

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Speaker 1: or no, no no. So from so from then I

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Speaker 1: knew like, okay, like certain things I have to keep private,

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Speaker 1: especially that. Um when I was seven, my I was

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Speaker 1: crying to my mom because I was having pain in

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Speaker 1: my vagina um, and when I was peeing it was

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Speaker 1: like bloody, wasn't it was? It was when I was seven,

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Speaker 1: and I knew why because you know, my cousin who

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Speaker 1: was about fourteen fifteen at the time, you know, I

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Speaker 1: was doing things to me and I you know, um,

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Speaker 1: he just he would tell me not to say anything

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Speaker 1: and that, you know, we would both get in trouble

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Speaker 1: this and that. Um So, my mom brought me to

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Speaker 1: the doctor and the doctor did ask me like, is

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Speaker 1: anyone doing anything to me? And I said no, Mom,

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Speaker 1: especially like me being older, Like if I had a kid,

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Speaker 1: I would really hit hard into making my kids feel

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Speaker 1: But you see, my mom didn't make me feel comfortable

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Speaker 1: ever speaking to her, so when it came down to

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Speaker 1: I never would speak right. It's like the trust was

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Speaker 1: never there. That trust was never there exactly. Um So,

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Speaker 1: mom didn't tell my dad what was going on with

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Speaker 1: me either, like because I remember him asking like, you know,

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Speaker 1: where did you guys go or like whatever, she didn't

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Speaker 1: really tell him. Um And do you think she believe

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Speaker 1: you even though she never said it? No, I think she.

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Speaker 1: I think I think she knew. I mean, my vagina

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Speaker 1: is bleating and I'm in pain, I mean, you know,

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Speaker 1: And I remember it was at night. I remember it

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Speaker 1: was like late at night too, and I'm like, I

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Speaker 1: don't remember deets, but I remember like it was late

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Speaker 1: at night, you know. Um So my mom knew. My

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Speaker 1: mom knew, she just didn't know how to confront it.

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Speaker 1: And she that's my mom she puts things under the rug.

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Speaker 1: She doesn't if she doesn't know how to deal with it,

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Speaker 1: it didn't happen mm hmm. You know, so that happened

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Speaker 1: and she did nothing. Um. I remember when we had

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Speaker 1: a family friend who I hate till this day because

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Speaker 1: I feel like he's a he's a pedophile, um, and

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Speaker 1: I don't like him around my niece. I told my

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Speaker 1: sister that like to keep him away. Um. And I

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Speaker 1: was about like ten years old. He was coming over

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Speaker 1: a lot, and he would want me to like sit

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Speaker 1: on his lap. Um. Whenever it's a Haitian thing, Michael

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Speaker 1: to like it's a cultural thing for you to kiss

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Speaker 1: him on the cheek like adults. So whenever I went

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Speaker 1: to kiss him on the cheek, girl his face, yeah,

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Speaker 1: he would move so that I would kiss him on

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Speaker 1: the list. And I told this to my mom and

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Speaker 1: she paid no mind to it, Like she just brushed

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Speaker 1: me off. If you know Haitians, they would go ah

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Speaker 1: like you know, and that's basically what my mom did. Um,

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Speaker 1: let lo and behold. My mom was, you know, having

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Speaker 1: relations with him behind my father's back. Maybe that's why

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Speaker 1: she didn't believe me. M hmm, yeah, exactly, exactly. I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to my mom if you told me that, because

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Speaker 1: if I think I did, I think I did tell

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Speaker 1: you that. Yeah, my mom had relations She's still actually

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Speaker 1: she was still having relations with him, Um, for like

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Speaker 1: even in my twenties because my brother in law like

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Speaker 1: caught them kissing or whatever. She didn't know he was home. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I was like in my mid twenties at that time.

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Speaker 1: So and I'm thirty one now, so you know she

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Speaker 1: was having relationship with him for a really long time.

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Speaker 1: Damn mm hmm. Yeah. So do you think that all

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Speaker 1: of these I mean, I kind of know the answer

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Speaker 1: to this, but um, do you think that all the

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Speaker 1: events that played a role in your life plays a

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Speaker 1: role also in your sexuality? Because I know, we just stuck,

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Speaker 1: like you know, the situation that happened with your cousin

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Speaker 1: and then you know, just your mom not being there.

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Speaker 1: Because I feel like when a woman has daddy issues,

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Speaker 1: you know she pretty much be with every man because

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Speaker 1: she's trying to feel that boy of her fall and

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Speaker 1: not being there. Oh no, definitely, definitely not definitely not

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Speaker 1: because I mean even when I was like really young,

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Speaker 1: like five, I remember five, like that that's when I

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Speaker 1: was like caught like kissing girls and stuff. I just

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Speaker 1: I don't know, like what was wrong me. I just

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Speaker 1: knew I liked girls. And I remember, Um, I was

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Speaker 1: about like nine years old and it was a girl

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Speaker 1: in my class that I was obsessed with. Never spoke

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Speaker 1: to her, which shy around her. But I remember now

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Speaker 1: I was so cute. Now I wasn't. I looked hot mess.

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Speaker 1: But I remember she told the glass that she was

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Speaker 1: moving to far rockaway. I cried, and then my best

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Speaker 1: friend Vanessa was like, um, do you love her? And

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Speaker 1: I was like, no, I don't love her. And she

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Speaker 1: was like I think you love her because you're crying

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Speaker 1: and she's not your friend. And I was like no, no,

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Speaker 1: I don't. I was like such a denial, like poor

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Speaker 1: poor things. But I knew I liked girls. I knew

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Speaker 1: I liked girls. Yeah. The only thing, the only thing

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Speaker 1: my mom plays in in terms of my relationship. It's like,

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Speaker 1: you know when girls are like I want to date

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Speaker 1: someone like my dad, or I don't want to date

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Speaker 1: someone like my dad, it's more so I don't want

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Speaker 1: to date anyone like my mother. To ask you that,

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Speaker 1: do you think your relationship with women was or is

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Speaker 1: affected by your own relationship because of your mom. Fuck, yes,

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Speaker 1: I don't date women, Okay. The thing with my mother, right,

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Speaker 1: she smothers you like with I love you, I love you,

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Speaker 1: I love you, I love you, like if I mean

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Speaker 1: the voicemails and the all of this stuff. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I love you so much. You know you're my last

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Speaker 1: daughter and this and this, and you don't know how

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Speaker 1: especially like she'll smother me with the word love and

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Speaker 1: how much she thinks about me, and she prays for

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Speaker 1: me and cries for me. Right, But when it comes

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Speaker 1: down to really showing the love, like when it really

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Speaker 1: comes down to being there for me and really like

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Speaker 1: a right. So that's when I was growing up. Like

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm thirty two. I haven't looking to my

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Speaker 1: mother since I was eighteen, and I saw, Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: saw my mother when my grandmother passed away. And everybody

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Speaker 1: knows my grandmother was like my entire universe, Like that

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Speaker 1: was my mom. So I see her at the funeral,

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Speaker 1: at the funeral, and I couldn't even recognize her. That's

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Speaker 1: how long it has been. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah. So

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Speaker 1: it's like it's just so crazy because it's like you know,

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Speaker 1: I didn't have my mother or my father in my life,

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Speaker 1: but more so, I think what bothers me the most

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Speaker 1: was my mother because with my father, I can't miss

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Speaker 1: something that I've never had, right, but at least with

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Speaker 1: your mother, like that's the one who gave birth to you.

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Speaker 1: So it's kind of like one of those things like damn,

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Speaker 1: like why are you don't funk with me? You know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying, right, And it's like you tell me

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Speaker 1: you love me, but you don't really show it. So

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Speaker 1: in relationships, like I don't care about the word I

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Speaker 1: love you that me me either nothing to me? Nothing

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Speaker 1: to me. I mean, I don't care if you you

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Speaker 1: can say it to your blue in the face. You

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Speaker 1: have to show me that you've of me in more

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Speaker 1: ways than one. Because of that, So and if they

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Speaker 1: don't show me that they love me, I got I

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Speaker 1: got stick out like I can't. I can't. I can't

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Speaker 1: have a toxic relationship because I already do with a woman.

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Speaker 1: I don't need another one. So I feel like with

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Speaker 1: certain things like like you said, you know what you

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Speaker 1: don't want because they re mind you of what you

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Speaker 1: have currently mm hmm. So how does not having a

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Speaker 1: healthy relationship, which your mom affects you. Oh, okay, trying

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Speaker 1: not to cry, but it's hard. It's really hard. And

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Speaker 1: it taught me like I'm so distant like with people,

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Speaker 1: and it's such an introvert and it's so crazy because

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Speaker 1: I'm so artistic and I was always into theater and

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Speaker 1: I'm all this stuff. But that goes. I mean, she

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Speaker 1: just created this like other side of me that's just

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Speaker 1: so lonely and right. I abandonment, that's the perfect word

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Speaker 1: for it. And you know, she really liked made my

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Speaker 1: depression worse. You know, I realized that I was dealing

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Speaker 1: with depression. I didn't know it was depression, but I

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Speaker 1: was dealing with it when I was around like fourteen

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Speaker 1: years old, you know, cutting myself, thinking about suicide and

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Speaker 1: all that stuff. And she knew all that stuff, Like

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Speaker 1: my mom knew that I was cutting, she knew that

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Speaker 1: I was resettle, and she did nothing. So I don't

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Speaker 1: really talk about my emotions. I don't really Um. I

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Speaker 1: cry in the shower because because of her, I cry

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Speaker 1: in the show because of her. I'm not outspoken because

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Speaker 1: of her. It was a learning process for me to

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Speaker 1: be raw and to you know, tell people to stand

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Speaker 1: up for myself, to be expres I said, that's why

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Speaker 1: I am the way that I am at work. And

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Speaker 1: I'm like very like nope, nope, like no, you know,

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Speaker 1: because I would shut down for most of my life.

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Speaker 1: That I just I'm more expressive, you know. I can't

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Speaker 1: keep punishing myself because of one person. Yeah, I used

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Speaker 1: to always say because at some point, like my mom

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Speaker 1: used like this old dar me, so I had to

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Speaker 1: send up for myself. I used to always be like,

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Speaker 1: it's even mother, disrespect me, you can That's what I

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Speaker 1: say all the time. That's my favorite because I cursed

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Speaker 1: my mom out, like I pushed it out. I don't

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Speaker 1: give a funk like I would ready, I would be

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Speaker 1: ready to square with my mom, and I was at that.

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Speaker 1: I was so angry with her at one point where

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Speaker 1: I was just like, let's just fight because I don't

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Speaker 1: want to fight, and that's not a fair fight. My

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Speaker 1: mom's old, like you know, but I really just wanted

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Speaker 1: to fuck her up in a way where I wanted

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Speaker 1: her to know how much she sucked me up, you know.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, like I always tell people like listen, if

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Speaker 1: I don't even let my mom disrespect me, don't ever

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Speaker 1: think respect me. That's funny. Yeah, I mean I still

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Speaker 1: feel that way, but because I'm just like, you know,

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Speaker 1: the one who gave birth to me, like she knows,

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Speaker 1: like even when at the funeral, like she didn't even

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Speaker 1: speak to me, because like to me, and I know

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Speaker 1: it's kind of to say, that's why I'm going to

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Speaker 1: therapy with like girl, like I washed my hands with you,

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Speaker 1: like I forgave you. But it's kind of like, how

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Speaker 1: can I have a relationship with you and you live

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Speaker 1: so much happened to me? Wow, I mean you kind

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Speaker 1: of forgave your mom for yourself because I forgave my

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Speaker 1: mom for myself. I learned that from my therapist. You know,

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Speaker 1: you have sometimes you can't forget, Like sometimes you have

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Speaker 1: to forgive people for you so you can move on,

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Speaker 1: so you don't have this this this weight on your

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Speaker 1: shoulder so that you can smile and just be happy.

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Speaker 1: You know, sometimes you have to forgive these people. And

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Speaker 1: my mom is not one to apologize. She does not

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Speaker 1: apologize for anything whatsoever. So I'm always the one having

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Speaker 1: to be, you know, the bigger person, like her texting

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Speaker 1: me during her birthday because I didn't buy her anything,

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Speaker 1: you know. She said that I cheated like a piece

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Speaker 1: of ship. And I went and he did this to

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Speaker 1: me while I was at work. And I'm at work

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Speaker 1: like going off texting her back and like, and she

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Speaker 1: was just like wow, like this is how you feel,

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Speaker 1: like all of this like not really taking any blame,

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Speaker 1: you know. And I saw her today, you know, for

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Speaker 1: the first time since February, and you know, I had

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Speaker 1: to be the bigger person and say Happy Mother's Day,

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Speaker 1: and I had to be the bigger person to see her.

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Speaker 1: And it's just tough. Like even when I was with

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Speaker 1: her today, I felt so empty. Yeah, you know, I

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Speaker 1: felt so empty. Like it's like a forced relationship at

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Speaker 1: this point, you know, because I know my mom is

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Speaker 1: sick and I know she's getting older, and I know

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Speaker 1: I'm going to regret not trying to mend things, you know,

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Speaker 1: but it's just really difficult to have any kind of emotion,

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Speaker 1: you know. I don't know, I feel like I mean,

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Speaker 1: like I said, my grandmother was like my mom. So

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Speaker 1: like my grandmother been there for like almost three years now.

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Speaker 1: So I don't even tell my Mother's Day. Like I

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Speaker 1: try to stay away from people when it comes to

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Speaker 1: most day, like I own people ask me when I'm

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Speaker 1: by my mom anything like that. But I also feel

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Speaker 1: like it's like I'm gonna get it, like I know

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Speaker 1: better because I'm an adult, so I can kind of

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00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:15,000
Speaker 1: better comprehend some of the wise or wi lit'sten our

329
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,639
Speaker 1: mother's lit things happened to us. But that's also like

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00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,600
Speaker 1: you're the fucking mom, Like you need to react to

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Speaker 1: me right right right exactly to you exactly exactly. What

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Speaker 1: was your mom relationship like with her mom? I mean,

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Speaker 1: my mom loved my grandmother. My grandmother was such a

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Speaker 1: sweet person. Um my mom talks so highly. You know, yeah,

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00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,439
Speaker 1: they really are, like they really really are. Um she

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00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,479
Speaker 1: was like my mom. My mom told me when I

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00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,240
Speaker 1: was and when she passed away, I was around like

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Speaker 1: five years oldhen she passed away four or five, and

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00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,359
Speaker 1: my mom said that I was trying to get into

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Speaker 1: the casket to sleep with her because I thought she

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00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,720
Speaker 1: was sleeping, and I got it, like my mom was

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00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,640
Speaker 1: just going crazy that she hit me. So I can

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00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,640
Speaker 1: just chill because I was just like during a tantrum

344
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,760
Speaker 1: the fact that I couldn't go in there. But yeah,

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00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,199
Speaker 1: I do remember, you know, my grandmother being such an

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Speaker 1: important part of my life, you know, for even though

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00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,840
Speaker 1: it was a short period, and my mom talks so

348
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,840
Speaker 1: highly of her, like she never had any issues with

349
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Speaker 1: my mom. But my like, my mom is a liar also,

350
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:31,080
Speaker 1: so I don't really know the truth because my mom

351
00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:34,600
Speaker 1: likes to paint a beautiful picture, so who knows. But

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00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,800
Speaker 1: from what I know, they had a good relationship. Have

353
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,200
Speaker 1: your your mom ever just sit down and just talk

354
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:44,119
Speaker 1: and you like expressed her how you felt, how you feel.

355
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:49,159
Speaker 1: Oh god, no, God no no. That's why when I

356
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,919
Speaker 1: did it through text, it was so much because I

357
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,160
Speaker 1: never really had the opportunity to do that. My mom

358
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,440
Speaker 1: was the type of person that's she's My mom is

359
00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:01,359
Speaker 1: an actress, and if ever she feels overwhelmed, she'll start

360
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,919
Speaker 1: to faint or like I like pass out, I'm not

361
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,960
Speaker 1: even working with you. She will. She will Like if

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00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,119
Speaker 1: my sister got angry at her one time and my

363
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:15,320
Speaker 1: mom went, like I stayed in on the floor for

364
00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:19,240
Speaker 1: two hours. She was fine, but she stayed on the

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00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:22,240
Speaker 1: floor for two hours so that hoping like the conversation

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Speaker 1: would be done with and she didn't have to deal

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00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,560
Speaker 1: with it anymore and just be part of the yeah,

368
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,840
Speaker 1: my mom's crazy reaction at her mom. I don't know

369
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Speaker 1: when I was in college, and I don't know, I

370
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,240
Speaker 1: feel like when I was growing up, like because I

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00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,280
Speaker 1: feel like I never really had a family on my

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Speaker 1: own minus my grandmama. My grandma was in New York

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Speaker 1: and I was in Tennessee. So I used to always

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00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,959
Speaker 1: like be at my friend's house and stuff because it's

375
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,680
Speaker 1: like sometimes you look at other people their moms, you

376
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,639
Speaker 1: just be like, damn, like that's where, that's why a

377
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:54,399
Speaker 1: healthy relationships supposed to be. So I remember being in

378
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,959
Speaker 1: college and I don't know who else, it was one

379
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,199
Speaker 1: of my friends, and I was just like, yo, just

380
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,520
Speaker 1: write your mom a leather, like, just tell her everything

381
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,360
Speaker 1: expressed to her, how you feel whatever, or how you've

382
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:07,200
Speaker 1: been feeling. And I always it's so funny because I

383
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,159
Speaker 1: know I'm being a little vague about the things that

384
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,200
Speaker 1: I went through my mom. But the only reason why

385
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,200
Speaker 1: everyone is because like I'm gonna I think I'm gonna

386
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,360
Speaker 1: do like episode twenty five for every I think it's

387
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:20,760
Speaker 1: with a quarter episode. I'm gonna like explain more and

388
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,520
Speaker 1: more about my stuff because I think it's important that

389
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,280
Speaker 1: we have these conversations because you just never know who

390
00:20:25,359 --> 00:20:29,520
Speaker 1: they can help. But um, yes, I remember I wrote

391
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,240
Speaker 1: a letter to my mom and I think it was

392
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:32,840
Speaker 1: like a four page letter because I think it was

393
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,240
Speaker 1: all cracking jokes about the leash song was out of

394
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,040
Speaker 1: four page letter whatever, and I was just really just

395
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:39,960
Speaker 1: like wrote down and just talked to her, like wrote

396
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,480
Speaker 1: down everything how I felt and how she made me

397
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,639
Speaker 1: feel as a kid, like you know, all the like

398
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,919
Speaker 1: stuff that she put me through, because it's like, you know,

399
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,000
Speaker 1: your childhood really affects your adulthood, so it's like, you know,

400
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,040
Speaker 1: even to this day, like I'm sometimes I'm even afraid

401
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:54,800
Speaker 1: to get drunk or like have a good time because

402
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,040
Speaker 1: my mother's an alcoholic and I don't want to look

403
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,600
Speaker 1: like that when I see myself in the mirror, you know.

404
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,520
Speaker 1: Or like I even told my boyfriend, like one time

405
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,720
Speaker 1: we was like when we get into all the disagreements

406
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,919
Speaker 1: and I just black out. But then that makes me

407
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,680
Speaker 1: like so mad because she used to blackout. So I

408
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:13,040
Speaker 1: really try to like work on myself to not be

409
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,760
Speaker 1: what I used to hate or used to be afraid of.

410
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,360
Speaker 1: So I wrote this long, gass letter, and I think

411
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,720
Speaker 1: what made me so mad at the moment is you know,

412
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,800
Speaker 1: she never said anything and I know she got it.

413
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,800
Speaker 1: Never to this day, she never said anything to me,

414
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,159
Speaker 1: and I did something to myself, like my God, Like

415
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:34,280
Speaker 1: you have people out there who's like dying to have kids,

416
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:41,000
Speaker 1: d like begging God to have kids. And I wasn't

417
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,280
Speaker 1: a bad kid at all. And it's just like or

418
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:46,119
Speaker 1: even when I have these conversations with my other guests,

419
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,880
Speaker 1: and a lot of my guests have been like molested,

420
00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:52,000
Speaker 1: A lot of my guests are drug addicts or like

421
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:56,400
Speaker 1: everything steals from home. You tell your mom and your

422
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,600
Speaker 1: dad and the first people who you fall in love with,

423
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,960
Speaker 1: and when they're not there, the protect you and they're

424
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:09,159
Speaker 1: just like sad. It's disgusted. It's really fad. You know,

425
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,199
Speaker 1: some people don't have a nurturing bone in their body,

426
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,240
Speaker 1: and some people have kids because they feel like they

427
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:19,800
Speaker 1: need to or they or it's what's expected of them

428
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,399
Speaker 1: because they carry this womb inside of them and you know,

429
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,080
Speaker 1: they have this you know body, and they should have kids.

430
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:30,720
Speaker 1: You know. Hm, I'm not a feminist, you know because

431
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,960
Speaker 1: like because of abortion. You know what I'm saying, Like

432
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,120
Speaker 1: I'm pro choice, not because I'm a feminist, but because

433
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:45,479
Speaker 1: I want why why should these people have to suffer

434
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,359
Speaker 1: in their adulthood, in their childhood because someone can't be

435
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:53,880
Speaker 1: a mom, right, you understand what I'm saying. My mom

436
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:58,920
Speaker 1: should never had she should have never had kids. Yeah,

437
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,919
Speaker 1: and it's did I say that because I'm here and

438
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,960
Speaker 1: I'm breathing. But my mother should have never had kids.

439
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:09,080
Speaker 1: She should have never had kids because she wasn't ready herself.

440
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,160
Speaker 1: She was dealing with her own depression with my father.

441
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:20,120
Speaker 1: M hmm, you can't. It's just sad. And my sister's

442
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:25,880
Speaker 1: a bad mom, horrible mom. I was with my niece

443
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:33,479
Speaker 1: today and asking her questions and she's just it's just

444
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:37,199
Speaker 1: so sad. It's just so sad that this cycle is,

445
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,680
Speaker 1: you know, it's repeating itself. And I had a conversation

446
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,040
Speaker 1: with it was my guest from I try to commit

447
00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:49,840
Speaker 1: suicide episode, and she made a good point. Is just

448
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 1: like yo, like I'm so, I'm thirty two, right, you're

449
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:56,400
Speaker 1: thirty one. H We gotta go through a lot when

450
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,080
Speaker 1: we were when we was born, we was a blank

451
00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:01,439
Speaker 1: hands right example, So by time you get to an

452
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,720
Speaker 1: age where you can function like functionally, like be able

453
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:06,960
Speaker 1: to deal with stuff, you kind of undo all that

454
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,400
Speaker 1: ship that people put on you at a young age.

455
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,439
Speaker 1: It's just like it's just like it's so crazy to

456
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:18,000
Speaker 1: me because it's like, how can I not how can

457
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,720
Speaker 1: I have low sup estim if somebody would have taught

458
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:24,640
Speaker 1: me how I love myself exactly? Or why don't why

459
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:26,480
Speaker 1: do I Why am I trying to kill myself? Or

460
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,720
Speaker 1: people telling me I'm not worth it? Or work. It's

461
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,879
Speaker 1: just I'm telling you when I have these conversations and

462
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:33,320
Speaker 1: like I really talk to people and we get to

463
00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:35,800
Speaker 1: a route of things, it's just like it's my bothering.

464
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,239
Speaker 1: And that's why I put so much emphasis on you know,

465
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,919
Speaker 1: taking your time. But you have to go to therapy

466
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:47,440
Speaker 1: because our childhood was traumatizing, traumatizing, traumatizing, and you gotta

467
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,560
Speaker 1: deal with ship at home. You gotta deal with ship

468
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,359
Speaker 1: at school when you're a kid. You gotta deal with

469
00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:53,200
Speaker 1: ship when you grow up. When you go to work,

470
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:56,920
Speaker 1: it's like it's never ending, never ending. And then when

471
00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:02,760
Speaker 1: you spass the funk out, you get a crazy You

472
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:07,560
Speaker 1: look crazy. You're crazy because you're putting every moment in

473
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:12,119
Speaker 1: your head and you're just like lashing out, lashing it

474
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:17,200
Speaker 1: really is, Uh, what does your relationship like with ther mom? Now,

475
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,960
Speaker 1: it's still rock It's it's rocky because like I said,

476
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,640
Speaker 1: you know, I didn't see her for a few months,

477
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,879
Speaker 1: and it happens like that often, you know, um, and

478
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,760
Speaker 1: I don't speak to her on a daily basis and

479
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 1: she wants me to. That's that's the sad part. Like

480
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,879
Speaker 1: my mom wants she wants me to call her and

481
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,439
Speaker 1: ask her how she's doing. And you know, I go

482
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 1: day to day like I don't have a mom. Then

483
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:48,080
Speaker 1: randomly it'll be like two, three or four months, randomly

484
00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:51,520
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, ship, right, I gotta call my mom.

485
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,600
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, just to make her

486
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,159
Speaker 1: feel good, I have to call her. I got to

487
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,080
Speaker 1: I got to call her. And then every time I do,

488
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,479
Speaker 1: she cries and says, you act like you don't have

489
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,679
Speaker 1: a mom. And then in my head, I'm like, because

490
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,439
Speaker 1: I don't, like you know, I want to screen that

491
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,320
Speaker 1: to her, but I can't. I can't because a part

492
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,399
Speaker 1: of me, I'm an empathetic person, and a part of

493
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:13,880
Speaker 1: me still thinks about her feelings. You know, even though

494
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,720
Speaker 1: she doesn't think about mine, I think about hers. And

495
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,040
Speaker 1: there's so many things that I want to say that

496
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,760
Speaker 1: I just don't. But I mean, it's it's just there.

497
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 1: My relationship with my mom is there. You know. We

498
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,960
Speaker 1: say I love you, I love you too, I miss you,

499
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,200
Speaker 1: I miss you too. Do I mean it? I mean

500
00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,040
Speaker 1: the I love you part. You my mom gave birth

501
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:37,000
Speaker 1: to me. I do love you, but it doesn't mean

502
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,240
Speaker 1: I like you. It's a huge difference. You know. I

503
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:44,159
Speaker 1: can love you like I love my sisters, but I

504
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:47,360
Speaker 1: can't say I like them very much. You know, we're

505
00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:50,280
Speaker 1: not friends. Me and my sisters don't hang out. We

506
00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:55,000
Speaker 1: don't we do not hang out. A um. It's a

507
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:59,840
Speaker 1: huge part because of yeah, yeah, yeah, I think she

508
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:11,400
Speaker 1: aided in our relationship not being great. Like how um

509
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:17,440
Speaker 1: my mom played favorites a lot um. She would always

510
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:22,040
Speaker 1: compare and contrast, you know, and my middle sister ate

511
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:25,880
Speaker 1: that up. She ate that up, and she would bully us,

512
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:29,600
Speaker 1: and you know, it was never like a sisterhood of

513
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,800
Speaker 1: secrets and you know that bond. You know, she couldn't.

514
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 1: She would do it to trick me, to basically confront

515
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,840
Speaker 1: my mom with it and to make her look good,

516
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:45,960
Speaker 1: to make her herself feel better, and you know, um, yeah, yeah,

517
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:50,199
Speaker 1: she definitely did aid in that even into our adulthood.

518
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:56,280
Speaker 1: How did your dad feel about everything? Like, I wouldn't.

519
00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,200
Speaker 1: My dad knows, But my dad is a very quiet,

520
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:05,400
Speaker 1: introverted man. He doesn't say much at all at all.

521
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:11,040
Speaker 1: Like my dad was damaged from very from very very young.

522
00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:15,040
Speaker 1: You know, he's the oldest of many siblings, and he's

523
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,400
Speaker 1: never been to school, doesn't know how to read a ride.

524
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:21,040
Speaker 1: He's so you know, he was his father was abusive

525
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,240
Speaker 1: from that I know because you know, my mom told me.

526
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,640
Speaker 1: You know that my my dad's father was very, very abusive,

527
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,800
Speaker 1: and I think that aided to his, you know, ability

528
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:32,639
Speaker 1: to not be social. Um, he doesn't know how to

529
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,480
Speaker 1: be social at all. And he's the very quiet man

530
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 1: and he doesn't know how to express his feelings at all.

531
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:40,960
Speaker 1: So I don't know how my dad feels, and I

532
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 1: don't think I ever will. He loves me, huh. We

533
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,440
Speaker 1: don't think you want to ask them? It wouldn't He

534
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:53,240
Speaker 1: wouldn't tell me, Yeah, no, he wouldn't. He would not.

535
00:28:55,320 --> 00:29:00,280
Speaker 1: My dad is Um, I don't know my dad just never.

536
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,400
Speaker 1: I'd never know how my dad. The only time I

537
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,120
Speaker 1: really saw tree emotion with my dad is when his

538
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,440
Speaker 1: mother passed away. M that was like the first time

539
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:14,360
Speaker 1: I saw like true emotion. My dad is emotionless. And

540
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,440
Speaker 1: it's not saying that he doesn't have emotions. Like I know,

541
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,880
Speaker 1: my dad loves me. He's my dad. Is I love

542
00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:20,720
Speaker 1: you and I show it. You know. He took care

543
00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:25,200
Speaker 1: of us, Yes, he was the provider. Um, whenever I

544
00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:28,200
Speaker 1: wanted something, I was Daddy's little guy. Was always with him.

545
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,719
Speaker 1: He loved me being with him all the time. I

546
00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:32,600
Speaker 1: know that my dad loves me, you know, from like

547
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:34,800
Speaker 1: where he looks at me to the things he's done

548
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:40,160
Speaker 1: for me. But you know, I understand, you know why

549
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,280
Speaker 1: he's very quiet and stuff. Even when like when I

550
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:44,680
Speaker 1: got into a huge fight with my sister. It was

551
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:46,640
Speaker 1: a huge fight and I said, I hate this family.

552
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:49,480
Speaker 1: I hate this fucking family. Like I went off. I

553
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:51,120
Speaker 1: was crying in the bath room. My dad came to

554
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,480
Speaker 1: me and he like rubbed my shoulder and you know,

555
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,120
Speaker 1: and I know that like from there was like pages

556
00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:00,240
Speaker 1: and pages and pages and like music and it's just

557
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:02,920
Speaker 1: like so much things that I know from that one touch.

558
00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:05,920
Speaker 1: You know, from him, it's different. You know, if my

559
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:07,800
Speaker 1: mom was to touch me and then my it's weird.

560
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:14,080
Speaker 1: It's weird, not definitely there you're coming from with that. Yeah, Um,

561
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:15,959
Speaker 1: if you could say anything to your mom, well her

562
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 1: judging you, now, what would you say? Mm hmm. You broken?

563
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:30,960
Speaker 1: You broke me, mm hmm. And I'm still I'm still broken.

564
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 1: And it's like, you know, I've been dealing with depression

565
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:45,640
Speaker 1: for like ten years, you know, plus maybe you know, um, yeah,

566
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 1: I've been dealing with depression for so long. Oh my god,

567
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,280
Speaker 1: you know so. And I've dealt with it alone, you know,

568
00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,400
Speaker 1: even in my teen years, I've done with it alone.

569
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:56,440
Speaker 1: And it's like even then, like there are times that

570
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:58,440
Speaker 1: I want to call my mom and tell her like

571
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:00,840
Speaker 1: I don't feel good today, or I don't feel like

572
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:05,440
Speaker 1: getting up or anything. I can't. I remember one time

573
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:07,280
Speaker 1: when my I was going through a really bad to

574
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:11,240
Speaker 1: pass you with one of my exes, and she called

575
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:15,680
Speaker 1: me for my birthday and I started crying and I

576
00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 1: was trying to talk about it and she hung up

577
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,480
Speaker 1: on me mm hmm. And my sister asked me, like,

578
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:25,160
Speaker 1: why did you hang up? She's like, oh, well, I thought,

579
00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:27,920
Speaker 1: you know, she because her birthday is a month before mine.

580
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,600
Speaker 1: And she goes to my sister, Oh, I thought she

581
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 1: was calling me to apologize that she didn't take me

582
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:33,640
Speaker 1: out for my birthday and she was going to take

583
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:38,600
Speaker 1: me out to lunch or dinner or something like. I

584
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:42,760
Speaker 1: never cried to her. For what they may think, I'm

585
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:46,720
Speaker 1: like the coldest person that has no emotion, you know,

586
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:49,160
Speaker 1: to them, because that's how I look because I don't

587
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:52,080
Speaker 1: I don't talk about anything, and I'm crying to you.

588
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:56,200
Speaker 1: But that's not She molded you right exactly, And now

589
00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,560
Speaker 1: you want me to be this emotional person. Now you

590
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,400
Speaker 1: want me to come to you, not you want me

591
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:04,760
Speaker 1: to why. I wonder why. It's because you're older, you

592
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:07,560
Speaker 1: know you're passing soon, and it's a way to make

593
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,240
Speaker 1: you feel good about yourself. Like I really don't know

594
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:14,080
Speaker 1: what it is. You had your opportunity again. I opened

595
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:16,840
Speaker 1: myself up to you again, you know, and knowing better,

596
00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,080
Speaker 1: and you still let me down. So why would I

597
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,320
Speaker 1: do it now? Like why would I? Why would I

598
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:24,080
Speaker 1: do that again? So yeah, I would say you broke

599
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 1: me because I feel like that's what she She broke

600
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:29,760
Speaker 1: my heart. Your parents are the first relationships that you have.

601
00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:33,360
Speaker 1: They're the first relationships you have. I think I text

602
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:37,000
Speaker 1: you that you know and my mom broke my heart

603
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,560
Speaker 1: and I think still from this day, my heart is

604
00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:42,800
Speaker 1: still broken. Yeah. You know what's so funny When I um,

605
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:46,320
Speaker 1: I got my first board friend when I was in college.

606
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,760
Speaker 1: Oh my god, my nigga, Jason, Hey Jason, if you

607
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:55,000
Speaker 1: like my naked Jason, I hate you because he was

608
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 1: my first in everything. Like I knew when I saw

609
00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:03,560
Speaker 1: because he looked like Nellie, right, So I knew when

610
00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:05,920
Speaker 1: I saw him. Like I told him, I was like,

611
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:10,600
Speaker 1: you're gonna break my heart and you manifested that. Why

612
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,080
Speaker 1: would you do that? Because it's just you know where

613
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:15,120
Speaker 1: it is the only reason why I said that, because

614
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,040
Speaker 1: I am a big believer of the power of the talk.

615
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:20,240
Speaker 1: But it was like yours kids, like I didn't expect

616
00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:22,400
Speaker 1: anything to come from this, Like I mean, don't get

617
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:24,680
Speaker 1: me wrong, like I'm thankful that that was my first love,

618
00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:26,840
Speaker 1: and I experienced so many things with him, but I

619
00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:28,720
Speaker 1: just knew that it was gonna I knew it wasn't

620
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:32,280
Speaker 1: gonna last, like everything has an end, you know. And

621
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:35,280
Speaker 1: so years went on. I think we were together for

622
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:38,960
Speaker 1: like three years or whatever, and we broke up, and

623
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:43,160
Speaker 1: oh my god, I was just crying. I was begging

624
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 1: him because it was my first heartbreak. But then when

625
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:47,600
Speaker 1: I was talking to him, to him and I was like,

626
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,920
Speaker 1: you know, what's so funny. I was like, this felt

627
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:53,400
Speaker 1: this felt almost as worse than what my mother did

628
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 1: to me. And I never wanted like when I tell

629
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:01,360
Speaker 1: you and I think, I mean, you don't get me wrong,

630
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:03,800
Speaker 1: like when somebody passed away, like of course it's gonna

631
00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:06,320
Speaker 1: be like it's gonna hurt you. But when my grandmother

632
00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:10,160
Speaker 1: passed away, y'all, I I lost it, like because that

633
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:12,040
Speaker 1: was the only person I had that was in my

634
00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 1: corner at corner that I knew that was gonna that

635
00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:16,840
Speaker 1: was gonna have my back no matter what. So I

636
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:20,040
Speaker 1: was oppressed, like my hair was. I was like a

637
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 1: zombiefore like two years, Like oh my god. Straight. So

638
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:26,800
Speaker 1: it's just like like when you said that, like that

639
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:29,960
Speaker 1: heartbreak is so real, because I was. And even when

640
00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:31,640
Speaker 1: I said that to him and I was like, you know,

641
00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:34,960
Speaker 1: it felt almost just as day when my mother did

642
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:37,319
Speaker 1: to me. He never started crying. So he was like, damn,

643
00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:40,040
Speaker 1: I really broke this girl. Even came close to with her.

644
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:42,560
Speaker 1: He knew how I felt about my mother. That sounds

645
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 1: like man, yeah, and I wasn't even trying to say

646
00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:49,560
Speaker 1: to make him like feel better at anything, like I

647
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:52,120
Speaker 1: really felt that because I feel like my mom broke

648
00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 1: my heart, and I even to this day I think about, like,

649
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,440
Speaker 1: would I even want to have a relationship with her?

650
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:02,239
Speaker 1: You know, I think about that all the time. I

651
00:35:02,239 --> 00:35:07,160
Speaker 1: would be fine, to be honest, didn't you think he

652
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:12,239
Speaker 1: would really be fine? Though? Yeah? I would. It's just

653
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:20,480
Speaker 1: how can I say this, Like, I really okay? So

654
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 1: when my mom found out that I was gay and

655
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:23,920
Speaker 1: stuff like that, and she kicked me out, there was

656
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,359
Speaker 1: a period where we didn't talk for a really long time,

657
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:31,160
Speaker 1: like a really long time, you know. So I guess

658
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:33,520
Speaker 1: I would be okay because she didn't do anything for

659
00:35:33,640 --> 00:35:37,640
Speaker 1: me emotionally. It's not like I emotionally need her, you know.

660
00:35:38,160 --> 00:35:40,399
Speaker 1: She was She was never like something. She was never

661
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 1: my confidante. She was never a woman I looked up to.

662
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,840
Speaker 1: I thought she was always a lazy wife and a

663
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,719
Speaker 1: lazy I got beat Actually, I told you I'm not

664
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:50,719
Speaker 1: my dad's corner. There was a time when I was

665
00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:52,320
Speaker 1: a kid, I told my mom that she was a

666
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:56,759
Speaker 1: lazy wife because my dad, my dad, she beat the

667
00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:58,920
Speaker 1: ship out of me because my dad would work. My

668
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:01,879
Speaker 1: dad would come home and cleaned the house. My dad

669
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:04,000
Speaker 1: did my dad and I did laundry because I would

670
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,000
Speaker 1: do my I would do laundry with my dad when

671
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,000
Speaker 1: I was pretty young, you know, because that was quality

672
00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:10,800
Speaker 1: time for me, you know, my dad. My only the

673
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,400
Speaker 1: only thing my mom did was like cook because she

674
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,719
Speaker 1: took part in her cooking, you know. But other than that,

675
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:19,640
Speaker 1: my dad did everything. So I never understood what she

676
00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:22,759
Speaker 1: was there for. Like, I just didn't know, you know.

677
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:26,320
Speaker 1: So I spoke about it, and you know, because I'm

678
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:31,200
Speaker 1: I'm I defended my father, you know. But yeah, my

679
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:33,160
Speaker 1: mom is not. She's not a person that I go

680
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:36,320
Speaker 1: to emotionally. I get a promotion, I get fired, I

681
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:39,960
Speaker 1: get My mom doesn't know how that I'm engaged. Oh

682
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,480
Speaker 1: you thought she would know. No, my mom doesn't know

683
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:45,480
Speaker 1: about my engagement. My mom doesn't know about my relationships.

684
00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:47,719
Speaker 1: My mom doesn't know about my heart breaks. My mom

685
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:54,160
Speaker 1: doesn't know about anything. She Yeah, and she really likes her, Yeah,

686
00:36:54,239 --> 00:36:57,279
Speaker 1: she does. My mom. My mom's been better in terms

687
00:36:57,320 --> 00:36:59,160
Speaker 1: of dealing with the fact that I'm gay. I think

688
00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:01,520
Speaker 1: it was just her, you know, trying to get me

689
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:05,400
Speaker 1: to be closer. You know she knew that was her doorway,

690
00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:07,320
Speaker 1: and because I told her, I was like, listen, I

691
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:08,880
Speaker 1: can have kids and you can never see them and

692
00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:11,239
Speaker 1: never know about them. I told her this when I

693
00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:15,279
Speaker 1: was umo. I said, I'm fine without you in my life.

694
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:18,840
Speaker 1: So you you can either be in my life or

695
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:20,720
Speaker 1: not be in my life. Either way, I'll be okay.

696
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:23,839
Speaker 1: I said that to her. Are you afraid of how

697
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:30,240
Speaker 1: to kids? Terrified? Yes, a thousand, million, trillion billion percent

698
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 1: terrified to have children, to the point where I've decided

699
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:36,040
Speaker 1: where I don't think I want them. M M. I'm

700
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:38,440
Speaker 1: so you're afraid you're going to be like her? No,

701
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:41,320
Speaker 1: I think I'm going to be an extremist because I

702
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:44,680
Speaker 1: don't want to be like her. Mm hmm. And I

703
00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:46,960
Speaker 1: know that there has to be some type of balance.

704
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:49,840
Speaker 1: You can't be a smothering mom and you can't be

705
00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:53,400
Speaker 1: a distant mom. You have to have balance, and I

706
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:55,800
Speaker 1: don't think I can do that. I think I'll be

707
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:58,359
Speaker 1: too anxious to know, like what's going on with my kid,

708
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:00,799
Speaker 1: how is my kid feeling, how is my kid doing?

709
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:03,040
Speaker 1: How was school? I would be one of those parents

710
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:05,040
Speaker 1: where I joke about it, but I would be one

711
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,640
Speaker 1: of those parents where I would put a camera in

712
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:12,160
Speaker 1: their their button jacket or like give them glasses where

713
00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:13,840
Speaker 1: even though they don't need them, it's like a pretty

714
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 1: camera on it. So I could not be talking to

715
00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:18,560
Speaker 1: them who's around. I would be obsessed with my child

716
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:21,799
Speaker 1: because of the fact that I was neglected so much,

717
00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:24,200
Speaker 1: I would be obsessed. And I don't think that's healthy

718
00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:27,279
Speaker 1: for me. And because of the fact that I've dealt

719
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:30,080
Speaker 1: with depression for a very long time and still on

720
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 1: and off depending, you know, I don't think that would

721
00:38:34,719 --> 00:38:37,920
Speaker 1: benefit anyone. So I think I would have to be

722
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:41,279
Speaker 1: in a healthy state with myself first before I ever

723
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,560
Speaker 1: introduce a child into this world. And I have to,

724
00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:49,600
Speaker 1: I just I have to learn a balance. I have

725
00:38:49,719 --> 00:38:52,520
Speaker 1: to teach myself to have a balance before I could

726
00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:54,600
Speaker 1: ever introduce a kid into this world. I mean, poor

727
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:56,920
Speaker 1: poor thing. They would want to run away from me

728
00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:00,200
Speaker 1: if like, oh my god, my mom again, she's cool

729
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,720
Speaker 1: for no reason, Like I'd be crazy, Like the school

730
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:07,320
Speaker 1: would hate me because I'd be there constantly going on.

731
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,359
Speaker 1: I mean, my boyfriend I was like yo, because I mean,

732
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,600
Speaker 1: I bust my ass because I'm really trying to like

733
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:15,360
Speaker 1: I don't want my kids to go out, like I

734
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:16,759
Speaker 1: want my kids to be able to do a lot

735
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:19,520
Speaker 1: of days because I went without when I was growing

736
00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:21,080
Speaker 1: up and I had I think I had my first

737
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:24,560
Speaker 1: job and I was like fourteen because I was like,

738
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,960
Speaker 1: I'm tired of this ship. I got to get out

739
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:29,799
Speaker 1: there and get on my own because obviously, I mean,

740
00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:31,440
Speaker 1: my my mom's s sent me money and stuff, but

741
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,200
Speaker 1: you know that's every so often. So it's just like

742
00:39:34,239 --> 00:39:36,200
Speaker 1: I had to get out there and hustle. So I

743
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:38,480
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, I bust my ass because I was like,

744
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:43,160
Speaker 1: I know, I'm gonna get my kids everything right. I

745
00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:44,920
Speaker 1: don't want my kids to go out and I want

746
00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:48,439
Speaker 1: to make sure I am there every step of the way. Yeah,

747
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:52,440
Speaker 1: that's how it should be. That's how it should be. Um,

748
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:56,919
Speaker 1: have you have you been a therapy? Yeah, I've gone

749
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,880
Speaker 1: in a while, but I definitely have gone to that

750
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 1: rapy And the first thing I did was talk about

751
00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:09,000
Speaker 1: my mom. How was that experience? Oh? It was? It was.

752
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:11,360
Speaker 1: At first, it was overwhelming and scary because you know,

753
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:13,320
Speaker 1: you're talking to someone that you had, you know, you

754
00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:15,480
Speaker 1: don't know, But at the same time, it's great to

755
00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:19,120
Speaker 1: talk to someone you don't know. You know, right. Uh,

756
00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:22,080
Speaker 1: And they're not judging you, and they're not taking sides,

757
00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:23,840
Speaker 1: and they're going to be honest and wrong with you.

758
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,319
Speaker 1: And that's what I needed, you know. And she, um,

759
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:29,560
Speaker 1: she was great. She was a great therapist. Yeah, and

760
00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:32,640
Speaker 1: it really helped me a lot in terms of forgiving

761
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:36,480
Speaker 1: um my mother, even without her saying I'm sorry because

762
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,160
Speaker 1: it's for me. I'm doing it for me, you know.

763
00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:44,000
Speaker 1: Last from not at least wasn't advice you would be

764
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:46,040
Speaker 1: able to other women out there did not have a

765
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:52,880
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with their mom. Oh God, that's hard, because

766
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:58,600
Speaker 1: what do you say, Oh, God, forgive them, forgive them,

767
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:03,040
Speaker 1: forgive them and move on. Forgive them for you. That's

768
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:05,239
Speaker 1: the only thing I can really honestly say in the name.

769
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:08,800
Speaker 1: Forgive them, not for them to make them feel. Forgive

770
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,600
Speaker 1: them for you so you can have that self care

771
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:15,320
Speaker 1: for yourself. You know, it's it's really mainly for you,

772
00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:21,000
Speaker 1: so you can move on once, not for game my mom. Yeah,

773
00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,880
Speaker 1: I felt so much lighter like and I think that

774
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:29,240
Speaker 1: really made me forgive her. Is because um, I didn't

775
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:31,880
Speaker 1: like I never met my father, right m hmm, I

776
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:35,000
Speaker 1: know not why I didn't meet him, but we had

777
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:38,120
Speaker 1: a conversation his girlfriend found me on Facebook, crazy story

778
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:42,480
Speaker 1: found me on Facebook and me at home started talking

779
00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:46,080
Speaker 1: and a lot of the conversations that we had because

780
00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 1: you know, he hasn't been in my life for a

781
00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:49,360
Speaker 1: dollar years, so he's trying to get to know me

782
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:54,279
Speaker 1: and vice versa. And so when we was talking, he

783
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:57,680
Speaker 1: bought a lot of clarity and to why my mom

784
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:00,960
Speaker 1: is the way that she is now. After having that

785
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,799
Speaker 1: conversation with him, that that's what made me really forgive her.

786
00:42:05,239 --> 00:42:12,359
Speaker 1: Oh crazy right, it's a that have never met give

787
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:14,399
Speaker 1: me some type of clericy because he pretty much told

788
00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:15,880
Speaker 1: me a lot of this they've been through because I

789
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:20,160
Speaker 1: was a love child like my mom and was like yeah,

790
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:24,399
Speaker 1: like everybody knew they was in love, like like they

791
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:30,280
Speaker 1: was like obsessed with each other. So when up playing,

792
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:33,400
Speaker 1: that was her way of retaliating on him, was to

793
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:37,120
Speaker 1: get at me. So it's like when you yeah, so

794
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:39,040
Speaker 1: when you had these when I had these conversations with her,

795
00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 1: and I'm just thinking like damn, like you know, I

796
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,920
Speaker 1: don't agree with what she did, but I understand why

797
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:49,160
Speaker 1: she did. And you probably was a reflection of him,

798
00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:53,400
Speaker 1: and she couldn't I just like him. Yeah, she couldn't.

799
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:56,400
Speaker 1: Do you know how many times that happens where mothers

800
00:42:56,719 --> 00:42:59,840
Speaker 1: are so mean to their daughters and their sons because

801
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:03,160
Speaker 1: they're a resemblance or a reminder of the person that

802
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:07,200
Speaker 1: broke their heart. I'm like, it's so funny because when

803
00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:10,120
Speaker 1: now you I never met this guy right, my name

804
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:13,080
Speaker 1: on Instagram, when when I had my Instagram with my

805
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:16,560
Speaker 1: personal account was pretty ebol right, m everybody knew me.

806
00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:19,960
Speaker 1: I was pretty evil even in college. When I met him,

807
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:27,480
Speaker 1: his name was pretty Tony. Stop it. That's not crazy.

808
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,800
Speaker 1: It is like and now I'm like, you know what,

809
00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 1: I get it. I don't agree with it, but I

810
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:37,360
Speaker 1: get it, but you get it. Mm hmm. Well, I

811
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:40,480
Speaker 1: think that this was an amazing episode. I'm so happy

812
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:44,080
Speaker 1: that you was able to, you know, share your story

813
00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:46,000
Speaker 1: because I think that and like I said, I was

814
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:48,080
Speaker 1: part of me a little vague, but I'm gonna really

815
00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:50,120
Speaker 1: like I saw myself that when I get to the

816
00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:53,839
Speaker 1: episode five, episode fifty, episode seventy five and so only

817
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:56,360
Speaker 1: it's gonna be a solo episode. So there's something I

818
00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:58,600
Speaker 1: have to look forward to because I just I'm like

819
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:01,279
Speaker 1: obsessed with my okay, because I really love when we

820
00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:04,000
Speaker 1: have conversations like this, and I feel like this girl.

821
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:05,640
Speaker 1: I mean, most of my guests I wanted to color,

822
00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:08,880
Speaker 1: but I feel like this girl us a chance to

823
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:11,000
Speaker 1: have these conversations because sometimes you'll be thinking like and

824
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:13,360
Speaker 1: I'm the only one that's going through this ship. No,

825
00:44:14,239 --> 00:44:18,080
Speaker 1: definitely not right. And it's so crazy because my girlfriend,

826
00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:21,279
Speaker 1: like fiance, you know her and her mom. She loves

827
00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:23,919
Speaker 1: her mom so much. She talks so highly of her mom.

828
00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:28,200
Speaker 1: It's just so beautiful. So thank you to all the

829
00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:31,160
Speaker 1: moms who are who are truly great moms and who

830
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:34,080
Speaker 1: are really there for their children and just love your kids.

831
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:36,759
Speaker 1: Just love, love your love your daughters. They need you,

832
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:43,320
Speaker 1: and just just love them. Please you. I'll come to

833
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:45,680
Speaker 1: my friend and she probably know who this is, who

834
00:44:45,719 --> 00:44:49,359
Speaker 1: she is, and she's white, and she was just saying, like, y'all,

835
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:52,160
Speaker 1: she said, I really do appreciate your podcast because it

836
00:44:52,239 --> 00:44:55,520
Speaker 1: gives me. It gives me more insight or what my

837
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:57,879
Speaker 1: black sisters are going through or what they went through.

838
00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:01,799
Speaker 1: And I was like, I am getting my Oprah worst

839
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:07,640
Speaker 1: for you on bitches. Yes girl, yes, but y'all, please

840
00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:10,240
Speaker 1: make sure you'll sent me questions you have any comments,

841
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:13,640
Speaker 1: any concerns, any remarks, please make sure y'all leave reviews

842
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:18,359
Speaker 1: um email me at hello at the professional home Girl

843
00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:22,640
Speaker 1: dot com. And that's said, guys, until next time. Later