Speaker 1: Welcome everyone to this Saturday edition of Amy and TJ.
Speaker 2: And I read.
Speaker 1: An article in Forbes magazine, TJ. That caught my attention.
Speaker 3: What do you think you read forbed them? Nice?
Speaker 2: Yes, every now and then I have some high brow moments.
Speaker 3: Nice, very nice.
Speaker 2: I'm really interested in.
Speaker 1: The economy and how I can further my investments. No,
Speaker 1: but this one actually was about a relationship. This actually
Speaker 1: you had nothing to do with an investment or money
Speaker 1: of any kind. But perhaps it's the thing that we
Speaker 1: can invest in the most each other exactly.
Speaker 2: I like how you pick that up?
Speaker 1: All right, So what would you think of this headline?
Speaker 1: Just one minute of focused attention can transform your relationship.
Speaker 3: One minute of focused attention, that's what the headline says.
Speaker 2: Yep, one minute.
Speaker 1: So they're talking about daily, but sixty seconds every day
Speaker 1: a focused attention can transform your relationship.
Speaker 2: Do you buy it?
Speaker 3: Uh? You know what? I buy it enough that I
Speaker 3: would go click, which I assume was what that headline
Speaker 3: was meant to do, was to get me.
Speaker 2: To click, which is exactly what I did.
Speaker 3: So, yes, I'm curious. But let's if we're going to
Speaker 3: take it step by step. Just hearing that I would go, Okay, obviously.
Speaker 1: That's bs you'd be I rolling right, Okay, So here's
Speaker 1: I like the concept. So the researcher or the psychologist
Speaker 1: who notes several studies and own anecdotal personal evidence from
Speaker 1: just their own practice, said that people make the mistake
Speaker 1: of thinking that big events are what define a relationship,
Speaker 1: that's what stands out in a relationship, But it's actually
Speaker 1: the small, repeated rituals that actually end up reassuring your partner.
Speaker 3: Did they give you examples of big events? What were
Speaker 3: we talking about? We literally talk about marriage or engagement,
Speaker 3: a first date and that kind of stuff. Actually think
Speaker 3: flowers or.
Speaker 1: I think it's the grand gestures. People think, oh, I've
Speaker 1: got to I've got to go out for a big
Speaker 1: date night, or I need to make a plan for
Speaker 1: this vacation for just the two of us, and they're
Speaker 1: thinking those are the moments that we should focus on
Speaker 1: as a couple. But actually it's all wrong, that's what
Speaker 1: they're saying. It's actually all the small, little daily things
Speaker 1: that end up deciding whether or not your relationship is
Speaker 1: successful and long lasting or not. So sixty seconds is
Speaker 1: what they're talking about. Sixty seconds a full undivided attention.
Speaker 1: You want some examples of what that could look for?
Speaker 3: Well, what makes you I understand what you're saying. These
Speaker 3: researchers are saying you can improve your relationship by simply
Speaker 3: giving your partner sixty seconds of your time undivided.
Speaker 1: Yes, and this is a decision daily. So they're talking
Speaker 1: about no cell phone in hand. Yeah, no multitasking going on, yeah,
Speaker 1: no rushing around. There's no where you had like, it
Speaker 1: doesn't feel rushed. It's just an intentional minute devoted to
Speaker 1: the partner.
Speaker 2: What. Okay, So there are some examples.
Speaker 1: Okay, here's an example, one minute of a long hug.
Speaker 3: Okay, why are you laughing?
Speaker 2: I'm imagining us hugging with the timer on.
Speaker 3: Okay, does cuddling count?
Speaker 1: Yes? Yes, So they've recited a twenty twenty two study.
Speaker 1: I've seen tons of these studies that say with just
Speaker 1: a twenty second hug, you have your cortisol levels, your
Speaker 1: stress levels are immediately reduced.
Speaker 2: Like it's palpable. They have wired people up and even
Speaker 2: a twenty.
Speaker 1: Second hug has a significant neurological impact. So imagine if
Speaker 1: you just said, sometimes I come up to you and
Speaker 1: I just say, can I have a hug.
Speaker 2: That is that annoying?
Speaker 3: It's well, it depends on if you're asking for it
Speaker 3: because you just did something to piss me off.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, no, it's not that. I'm just joking. Stop, No,
Speaker 2: I'm just thinking, like in the morning sometimes.
Speaker 3: No, of course it's not annoying. Who gets annoyed? If
Speaker 3: anybody out there gets annoyed by a hug or a
Speaker 3: request for a hug. No, how many hugs have you
Speaker 3: ever had that didn't feel good? Few?
Speaker 1: We've had some only from someone I didn't like or
Speaker 1: I didn't like at the time.
Speaker 3: Yes, but if your spouse, your maid, the anybody you
Speaker 3: like puts their arms around you, and the embrace always
Speaker 3: feels good. So you're telling me a sixty second.
Speaker 2: Hug, it changes the day.
Speaker 3: You're telling me that every couple out there that's struggling
Speaker 3: start with this. Yeah, put your arms around each other
Speaker 3: for sixty seconds a day.
Speaker 1: You know what I would say, that can't hurt, can't hurt,
Speaker 1: It can't hurt. So that was one example. One minute
Speaker 1: of a long hug. Okay, one minute where you share
Speaker 1: a moment of gratitude with each other. So they're saying
Speaker 1: it could be first thing in the morning, last thing
Speaker 1: at night where you just say something you're grateful for
Speaker 1: about the other person. You just make a note of
Speaker 1: letting the other person know.
Speaker 2: What you're grateful for.
Speaker 3: Ever done anything like that. No, I've never tried to
Speaker 3: nam Ah to sit down and do that kind of routine.
Speaker 1: It's so interesting that you say that, because they absolutely
Speaker 1: say that it will feel strange at first. It will
Speaker 1: absolutely feel strange at first. But if you incorporate one
Speaker 1: or both or some of these practices daily, And that
Speaker 1: was it has to be consistent, and it has to
Speaker 1: be intentional. And they actually they have some suggestions and
Speaker 1: we'll get into them about how you can make this
Speaker 1: a constant thing, how to make it stick.
Speaker 2: So to speak.
Speaker 1: But they said, give it two to three weeks before
Speaker 1: you say this is so dumb, this is so silly,
Speaker 1: this doesn't matter. Give it two to three weeks and
Speaker 1: see and then you'll know, and they claim you'll recognize
Speaker 1: that it absolutely is a game change. Who's the researcher
Speaker 1: is this psychologist you have Forbes magazine just going through
Speaker 1: all of their resources. But another thing they said, in
Speaker 1: the morning, you could check in for one minute and
Speaker 1: say how can I support you today? What's your day like?
Speaker 1: And is there anything I can do to support you today?
Speaker 1: That's sweet. That sounds like a dream to me. If
Speaker 1: every day your partners, Hey, what's your day like? And
Speaker 1: is there any way I can support you today?
Speaker 3: Man, y'all hope everybody's writing this down. Two out of
Speaker 3: the three at least can be done instantly, yep, Like
Speaker 3: you can start this tomorrow. But when you go about
Speaker 3: your day, it's not just amount of saying, hey, what
Speaker 3: you got going which can show a level of interest,
Speaker 3: and that's fine, But when you take it a step further,
Speaker 3: how can what all you've got going on? How can
Speaker 3: I make that load easier? Ah? How can I assist?
Speaker 1: Do you instantly feel like gratitude towards the person who
Speaker 1: asks you that?
Speaker 2: You immediately feel that. It feels so supportive and you
Speaker 2: feel connected.
Speaker 3: That's a good one.
Speaker 1: Okay, I like that too. I like this one too,
Speaker 1: because sometimes you're not always in the best place with
Speaker 1: your partner. Sometimes you're annoyed, sometimes there are issues. So
Speaker 1: they say it's okay to do We're really good, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: But they say it's okay to do a one minute
Speaker 1: silent ritual, which means holding hands. Just go and hold
Speaker 1: your partner's hand for one minute. You don't have to
Speaker 1: say anything. They even suggested this seemed funny to me,
Speaker 1: and I laughed picturing this.
Speaker 2: But forehead to forehead, I don't see us doing that, right,
Speaker 2: that's funny?
Speaker 3: Was that being forehead to forehead?
Speaker 1: You just put your forehead to your partner's forehead and
Speaker 1: you say nothing, but you're connected. That's a very intimate
Speaker 1: thing to do that you would not do with anyone else.
Speaker 3: The movie posters of that, like some love stories and
Speaker 3: they have forehead to forehead.
Speaker 2: Have we ever we might have like touched fore heads? Yeah,
Speaker 2: but we that's usually don't We don't linger.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well it's cuddling. We don't stand in a hall
Speaker 3: while you're touching its okay, all right.
Speaker 1: And then the other thing was you could do breathwork
Speaker 1: like breathing together with that also, I would just start laughing.
Speaker 1: That's the thing we have that we have that friendship
Speaker 1: like two kids who should not sit next to each
Speaker 1: other in school friendship.
Speaker 2: We would just.
Speaker 1: Start laughing if we had to do breathwork together, Like
Speaker 1: I don't think I could ever do yoga with you,
Speaker 1: because I would just start laughing. I would just start
Speaker 1: laughing at watching you.
Speaker 3: You don't think I could handle yoga, is what you say?
Speaker 2: I think you would look hilarious doing yoga.
Speaker 1: Why I just do Maybe you'd be sexy and you'd
Speaker 1: be amazing.
Speaker 2: I don't know, but I have it. It's something we
Speaker 2: could try.
Speaker 3: All right, So I think Wait, those were five?
Speaker 2: Yeah, those were some of you tell me.
Speaker 3: The one before the last one, it was something I
Speaker 3: wanted to get at. What was it?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: So?
Speaker 1: That was a one minute morning check in and then
Speaker 1: after you find out what they're doing, you ask how
Speaker 1: can I support you today?
Speaker 3: That's a really really good one. And the last one
Speaker 3: was what.
Speaker 1: That was just a silent ritual holding hands for a minute.
Speaker 3: I was gonna ask, does it count if you're holding
Speaker 3: hands walking down the street.
Speaker 1: Well, they said you shouldn't be distracted or or multitasking, gotcha?
Speaker 2: So I don't think that counts.
Speaker 3: No, what if? So you shouldn't be watching a movie
Speaker 3: and holding hands?
Speaker 1: Should it's not part of this practice? Like, that's great
Speaker 1: to do that, but this is actually an intentional We're
Speaker 1: just gonna sit and it's about feeling and acknowledging the connection,
Speaker 1: and so that's part of what it is, where you
Speaker 1: actually it's not just a habit where you're just like, oh,
Speaker 1: inadvertently touching each other.
Speaker 2: This is I am intentionally connecting to you.
Speaker 3: That's good. I like that with the I thought about
Speaker 3: that because you said sitting in silence, I was, and
Speaker 3: then holding hands. It made me think of this happened.
Speaker 3: It's happened a couple of days recently. And we both
Speaker 3: laughed out loud after I said it. But we're walking
Speaker 3: down the street, we're holding hands, and then after a
Speaker 3: block or two we haven't said anything, and I say.
Speaker 2: Are we in a fight?
Speaker 3: Are we fighting?
Speaker 1: Like, no, we're just taking in all the sights and
Speaker 1: sounds and whatever. But no, that is true because it
Speaker 1: feels weird, like why are we not talking right now?
Speaker 1: But I actually think sometimes that's a level of comfort,
Speaker 1: all right. For the skeptics out there.
Speaker 2: The article has a lot of.
Speaker 1: Good points to try and combat any skeptics out there.
Speaker 1: First of all, they said to think about this sixty seconds,
Speaker 1: this minute as a deposit in your emotional bank account.
Speaker 1: So research shows that couples who stayd together consistently make
Speaker 1: far more deposits than withdrawals.
Speaker 2: What is a withdrawal?
Speaker 1: You ask, any time you ignore your partner or you
Speaker 1: dismiss your partner, whether you realize it or not, you
Speaker 1: are there is a withdrawal that is being made where
Speaker 1: your your other partner feels less connected, they feel misunderstood.
Speaker 1: So that is the negative. The positive is the connection.
Speaker 3: I'm so sorry. Tell me it's a deposit. It and
Speaker 3: it withdraw from your what.
Speaker 1: Bank account, emotional bank account, and how you're viewing your
Speaker 1: connection to your partner. So they say the magic ratio,
Speaker 1: and I've seen studies saying this exact same number. For
Speaker 1: every negative interaction you need at least five positive ones
Speaker 1: to counter it. So so resentment doesn't build, because if
Speaker 1: you can't have a five to one ratio, resentment builds.
Speaker 1: And so for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.
Speaker 3: Because that's those are the ones that stick with us. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it takes a lot more over coming.
Speaker 1: Because we are we're protecting ourselves. We're scared of rejection,
Speaker 1: we're scared of losing the connection, and so we harp
Speaker 1: on that. So the daily practice of sixty seconds guarantees
Speaker 1: at least one positive deposit each day. So you're getting
Speaker 1: ahead of the game, so to speak.
Speaker 3: Well, we're okay loans, we don't have a negative one.
Speaker 3: We don't have to do five deposits every day.
Speaker 2: Correct if it's for every negative, right.
Speaker 3: So we should want to build up as me deposits.
Speaker 2: You want to have as much money in the bank
Speaker 2: as you can.
Speaker 1: Right. So they say, I love this. This is what
Speaker 1: the study found. Every time think about this as from
Speaker 1: your personal standpoint, be honest with yourself. Every time you're ignored,
Speaker 1: even and that's what they call a small rejection. But
Speaker 1: being ignored is a small rejection resentment and distance builds
Speaker 1: and it accumulates.
Speaker 2: And that's so true.
Speaker 3: Say that again.
Speaker 1: Every time you're ignored by your partner, it's considered a
Speaker 1: small rejection. And that was builds and distance then builds.
Speaker 1: You're starting to build a wall, like you start to
Speaker 1: protect yourself.
Speaker 2: It's what humans do.
Speaker 3: Do they give any examples of what type of being
Speaker 3: ignored big things, small things, and just they say, anytime
Speaker 3: you feel ignored, yes, yes.
Speaker 1: That you need to pay attention to that, that that matters.
Speaker 1: And so they said, getting this sixty seconds is the
Speaker 1: one thing. They said, I appreciated this the sixty seconds
Speaker 1: thing that's sustainable, like you can do that. Everyone has
Speaker 1: one minute to be intentional with their partner, and they
Speaker 1: say it's powerful. They're calling it a micro habit, meaning
Speaker 1: it's considered too small to fail, and yet it works.
Speaker 1: So they're calling this sixty second ritual a micro habit.
Speaker 3: What are we? I mean, where are we that we're
Speaker 3: asking that little of our partner? I mean, I guess
Speaker 3: do most of us give more than sixty seconds? It
Speaker 3: seems bizarre that this is all that takes. I guess
Speaker 3: it's baby steps, but that's a really really small baby
Speaker 3: step to say that. Can you again? I always when
Speaker 3: we start these relationship chats, I come back to it, boom,
Speaker 3: everybody ask have you given your partner sixty seconds of
Speaker 3: your undivided attention today?
Speaker 1: Damn it's harder than you think, especially when you have kids,
Speaker 1: especially when you're racing around. You're managing all the things
Speaker 1: that we manage as adults, and it's kind of crazy
Speaker 1: to think about it like that. All right, So I
Speaker 1: think I'm I'm bought into this plan. I think it's cool.
Speaker 1: I like how it's sustainable, and I like the fact
Speaker 1: that it seems like it makes a lot of sense
Speaker 1: to me logically.
Speaker 2: So how do we make it stick?
Speaker 1: Before we go to break, I have to tell you
Speaker 1: about new leggings I've been living in lately. They're from
Speaker 1: this brand called Tona, and fun fact here, they were
Speaker 1: actually designed by the same visionary behind Lulu Lemons, So
Speaker 1: from that alone, you already know they're going to be
Speaker 1: pretty good. These leggings feel like a second skin. They're
Speaker 1: super flattering, super comfortable, and somehow still supportive. I've been
Speaker 1: wearing them on my morning runs and they've quickly become
Speaker 1: my everyday lounging leggings too. And here's what makes them
Speaker 1: even better. Every pair you buy helps fund a mental
Speaker 1: health counseling session for a teen in need. Tona's on
Speaker 1: a mission to end teen suicide and self harm, which
Speaker 1: we think is so important and incredible, So we've partnered
Speaker 1: with Tona to give you twenty percent off your order
Speaker 1: and free shipping. Head to tonaactive dot com and use
Speaker 1: code iHeart for twenty percent off and free shipping. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to this edition of Amy and TJ, where we
Speaker 1: are talking about a pretty cool concept that came from Forbes' magazine.
Speaker 1: This notion that all it takes is one minute each day,
Speaker 1: sixty seconds of undivided attention towards your partner, and that
Speaker 1: that intention, that one minute can transform your relationship for
Speaker 1: the better. And so we talked about what it is
Speaker 1: that you could do, what you should do, what we
Speaker 1: should all be doing, probably in our relationships each and
Speaker 1: every day. But how do you make it a happen?
Speaker 1: How do you make it stick well? One of the
Speaker 1: suggestions from the researchers was to tie it to something
Speaker 1: you do every day. So you're about to brush your
Speaker 1: teeth in the morning or in the evening, like that's
Speaker 1: like when you think about, oh I need to brush
Speaker 1: my teeth, that's the moment you do it. It needs to
Speaker 1: be tied to something that you know you're going to
Speaker 1: do every day. The other thing they said was to
Speaker 1: make sure it's pressure free. It's not always going to
Speaker 1: be a magical sixty seconds, like somehow we think, oh,
Speaker 1: this sixty seconds is going to be this beautiful. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it isn't, but you do it anyway. And I thought
Speaker 1: that was cool, like just to lower the expectations of
Speaker 1: what these seconds might be and even on rush days
Speaker 1: when maybe because they said you could decide together when
Speaker 1: you're gonna do it, or you can individually decide to
Speaker 1: do it. But they said you can remind one another gently, Hey,
Speaker 1: do you want to take our one minute now? Like
Speaker 1: when things get crazy and maybe you're feeling the tension,
Speaker 1: you could say to your partner, hey, can we take
Speaker 1: our one minute now?
Speaker 3: And again, this is supposed to be undivided. It's not
Speaker 3: just a matter of spending time together. So if we're
Speaker 3: in the kitchen and you're cutting up celery and I'm
Speaker 3: over there making a margarita, that doesn't count.
Speaker 2: No, in fact, you did, Hey, can we put our
Speaker 2: knives down? Can we put our phones down? And can
Speaker 2: we take our minute? Whatever that is? It's a hug,
Speaker 2: it's a handhole.
Speaker 3: Well it's yeah, that's fun. Do you think we get
Speaker 3: anywhere close to a minute a day?
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's a minute consecutively, like, yes,
Speaker 1: we do things for each other, but is it a
Speaker 1: full sixty seconds?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: We should put a timer on it a couple times
Speaker 1: and just see what happens. Like how uncomfortable is a
Speaker 1: sixty second hug?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 3: See not the hug? I think we get in more
Speaker 3: than sixty seconds a day. And I say it because
Speaker 3: I'm just gonna start reeling off some things undivided though undivided.
Speaker 3: The time you get in conversation with me laying down
Speaker 3: in the bed, the time you remember me on my
Speaker 3: knees while you're still laying in the bed, I'm sitting
Speaker 3: there looking up talking to you about something. The time
Speaker 3: I lay my head on your stomach. A lot of
Speaker 3: this involved me laying on you in somewhere. Apparently we
Speaker 3: have these moments that we stop. We're not trying to,
Speaker 3: we're not consciously making a decision to do so. But
Speaker 3: there are times where, for like, I stop and I
Speaker 3: look at you and I'm talking to you about something
Speaker 3: other than work, that nothing else is going on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think, yes, I hear you.
Speaker 1: I also think a lot of times we have moments
Speaker 1: but we're taking a quick break from the computer or
Speaker 1: from a movie, or from preparing dinner or lunch. Like
Speaker 1: there's we're all always doing something while we're connecting, and
Speaker 1: so I just think that's a unique spin to not
Speaker 1: be doing anything else. That's where I think the challenge is.
Speaker 1: They also said for parents, a really good time to do.
Speaker 1: This is right after you put your kids to bed.
Speaker 1: That makes a lot of sense. You put your kids
Speaker 1: to bed, you say, let's take our minute now. Or
Speaker 1: they say, if you're a long distance, if you're away
Speaker 1: from each other, you can keep it up with a
Speaker 1: one minute call. That doesn't seem like much, but one
Speaker 1: minute text or a voicemail, but just something to let
Speaker 1: the other person know. The idea is to let the
Speaker 1: other person know you're thinking of them, you're prioritizing them,
Speaker 1: you're connecting to them, you're showing them that you love them.
Speaker 1: I think that is what it is. And they say, yes,
Speaker 1: I said this earlier, but give it two to three weeks.
Speaker 1: Don't judge the outcome until you give it.
Speaker 2: That much time.
Speaker 1: You want to try it, I would like to try it.
Speaker 1: I think we could try it and then report back
Speaker 1: in three weeks. I think that sounds like fun. And
Speaker 1: the end of the article. I liked this last line.
Speaker 1: They want to to let everyone who is willing to
Speaker 1: try to recognize that the transformation happens from what the
Speaker 1: ritual symbolizes. It's not the ritual itself. It's that you
Speaker 1: are prioritizing your love that it's what it's about It's
Speaker 1: not how you do it or when you do it necessarily,
Speaker 1: but it's the fact that you're doing it, that you're
Speaker 1: making time for it despite all the stresses in life.
Speaker 1: You're saying, this is important enough that I am going
Speaker 1: to take a beat literally sixty seconds and invest in us.
Speaker 3: I like it. Okay, you brought me around.
Speaker 1: All right, very cool? Well, hey, and we love to
Speaker 1: hear what you all think. So if anyone else wants
Speaker 1: to try it out there and if you want to
Speaker 1: read the article, it's in Forbes. But it was a
Speaker 1: great read and it got me thinking about something we
Speaker 1: can all do to improve the relationships in all of
Speaker 1: our lives. And with that, thank you for listening to
Speaker 1: us on this Saturday. I'm Amy Roboch along with TJ.
Speaker 2: Holmes. Have a great day, everybody.
Speaker 1: That two