WEBVTT - Ask And Ask Early 0:00:00.520 --> 0:00:03.760 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nadrick lover to WIB and 0:00:03.920 --> 0:00:08.880 you need to hear this. In relationships, we don't just 0:00:08.960 --> 0:00:12.440 get into the relationship with the partner that we're choosing. 0:00:12.560 --> 0:00:18.279 We also become attached to or in relationship with their 0:00:18.320 --> 0:00:22.280 families in some way. When they come from families that 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:26.119 we enjoy, they have those sisters that we love, or 0:00:26.200 --> 0:00:29.520 they have these wonderful family events, or even them having 0:00:29.600 --> 0:00:33.159 some things that we wish we had in our own families, 0:00:33.680 --> 0:00:39.360 it can be lovely. However, when we get into relationships 0:00:39.400 --> 0:00:42.839 with people who have a level of dysfunction that we 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:46.919 are not even used to, or if there are cultural differences, 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:51.000 if there's enabling and just these things that we don't 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:54.480 want to put up with, it can create a lot 0:00:54.520 --> 0:00:58.279 of toxicity and our relationship with our partners, even if 0:00:58.320 --> 0:01:02.040 it doesn't have anything to do with them. Where people 0:01:02.120 --> 0:01:04.959 comes from it can matter. It doesn't always have to 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:07.440 if they're aware of it and they want to change it. 0:01:07.520 --> 0:01:10.280 But when you get into a relationship with a person, 0:01:10.360 --> 0:01:13.759 you get into a relationship with their culture. And sometimes 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:16.399 it's not just their ethnic culture. It could just be 0:01:16.480 --> 0:01:21.520 their family culture, which can be unique based on who 0:01:21.600 --> 0:01:25.400 those folks are and how things have been going in 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:30.119 their families. So for today, we have a caller who 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:35.640 is very concerned about her relationship and the cultural impact 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:38.880 of her relationship with her partner. So this is a 0:01:38.920 --> 0:01:41.920 pretty interesting letter, so let's get into it. 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:49.640 Hi, Doctor Tawab, my name is Jocelyn. I'm not married, 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:53.520 but I have been in a relationship for the past 0:01:53.600 --> 0:01:59.720 five years, and with this person, I became pregnant and 0:01:59.760 --> 0:02:02.680 now have a three year old son. We were both 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:04.560 in our thirties and have been dating for a year 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:07.760 and a half. When we became pregnant, the relationship had 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:11.440 been rocky, but we decided to keep the pregnancy very intentionally. 0:02:12.720 --> 0:02:16.600 We were doing so well right before and right after 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:21.880 the baby was born, but family issues and domestic issues 0:02:22.840 --> 0:02:28.959 became so dramatic that I have recently decided to leave 0:02:29.000 --> 0:02:36.640 the relationship, which, while not legally taking place, amounts to 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:39.000 a divorce or feels like a divorce. We are having 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:42.720 custody conversations and because I'm going to be a co 0:02:42.840 --> 0:02:46.000 parent with this person and know them for the rest 0:02:46.040 --> 0:02:49.920 of my life, I'm really in the trenches of trying 0:02:49.960 --> 0:02:55.400 to understand what happened and why it happened, and I 0:02:55.560 --> 0:02:59.680 have a lot of confusion. This is a person who 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:06.440 was raised by immigrants. They are Indian American, and their 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:12.160 parents arranged marriage was very unhappy and very traditional in 0:03:12.280 --> 0:03:16.680 terms of the wife being responsible for all of the 0:03:16.760 --> 0:03:20.720 cooking and cleaning, and even my partner, as a male 0:03:21.080 --> 0:03:25.800 in that household, didn't have to do any kind of 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:30.440 domestic chores. And so even when I met him in 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:35.240 his thirties, this person, you know, does not cook, is 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:40.640 very messy, like tends towards clutter, as is the family 0:03:40.640 --> 0:03:46.720 of origin home, but really didn't clean very much, and 0:03:47.760 --> 0:03:51.680 honestly I didn't think much of that, and then it 0:03:51.960 --> 0:03:54.160 once the baby came, it was really staring me in 0:03:54.200 --> 0:03:57.600 the face because I, you know, very typically I found 0:03:57.600 --> 0:04:00.480 so many stories of this online. Felt really over whelmed 0:04:00.840 --> 0:04:04.480 having to do the vast majority of not all, of 0:04:04.560 --> 0:04:13.240 the domestic work around the baby and the household, and 0:04:14.080 --> 0:04:18.039 trying to get him involved in that work and getting 0:04:18.080 --> 0:04:21.520 him to understand why it was so stressful for me 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:24.440 to come home to just a really messy house, or 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:27.080 to have clutter everywhere, or to wake up in the 0:04:27.080 --> 0:04:29.159 morning to a sink full of dishes, or have to 0:04:29.160 --> 0:04:31.680 clean the whole kitchen before I start cooking dinner when 0:04:31.720 --> 0:04:34.280 I'm the only person in the house that cooks or 0:04:34.400 --> 0:04:37.760 is thinking about dinner, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I could go 0:04:37.880 --> 0:04:41.520 on and on. Became a really big issue in our 0:04:41.560 --> 0:04:47.240 relationship and then his family as well. The family in 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:52.720 addition to there being cultural differences, racial differences. I identify 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:56.360 as Latina and I speak Spanish and have Puerto Rican 0:04:56.360 --> 0:05:03.400 culture in my family, but I also am racially his family. Again, 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:09.200 in addition to these very patriarchal gender lines and a 0:05:09.240 --> 0:05:14.240 lot of that patriarchy coming from Indian culture South Asian culture, 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:21.400 there was also addiction in the family and very few boundaries. 0:05:22.640 --> 0:05:28.760 So my partner's mother, because she wasn't getting her emotional 0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:33.240 needs met from her arranged marriage, relied on him as 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:36.359 a confidante from a very young age. I'm talking like 0:05:36.480 --> 0:05:43.279 eight nine years old. And the parents also enabled the 0:05:43.400 --> 0:05:48.400 younger brother, my partner's younger brother, who's an addict. And 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:53.159 when I entered the picture, this family was really coming 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:59.000 out of a decade of crisis where this person would 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:07.320 go missing, they would overdose, and just crisis after crisis 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:08.760 because of active addiction. 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:17.680 What's striking to me is the before she starts to speak, 0:06:18.560 --> 0:06:24.800 I can hear the level of frustration, the level of resentment, 0:06:25.120 --> 0:06:30.840 the level of chaos that this situation has caused. One 0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:34.400 thing about us partnering with people as we do have 0:06:34.440 --> 0:06:39.440 to remember there is some impact or influence that the 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:43.039 family of origin had on them. And as I'm listening 0:06:43.080 --> 0:06:47.920 to this, I'm hearing a new dating question popping out 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:49.839 to me. You know, maybe not the first date or 0:06:49.839 --> 0:06:54.719 the tenth date, but certainly when we are thinking about 0:06:55.600 --> 0:06:59.279 having children with people, moving in, with people, going on vacation, 0:06:59.600 --> 0:07:06.000 anything of seriousness, perhaps there has to be some sort 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:11.080 of conversation where we talk about, how do you think 0:07:11.200 --> 0:07:14.840 you were impacted by your family? What do you think 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:18.840 those relationships look like. We need to have a better 0:07:19.080 --> 0:07:25.160 idea of what our partners think is happening in their relationships, 0:07:25.240 --> 0:07:28.920 because what I'm seeing is we can see the chaos 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:33.080 and we may not recognize it until we're like intertwined 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:34.760 and it is a part of our lives where we 0:07:34.840 --> 0:07:37.760 have children with these folks or we're married to these people, 0:07:37.800 --> 0:07:38.960 and we see this stuff. 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:41.000 But is there a step. 0:07:40.680 --> 0:07:44.320 Before that where we can get an idea from the 0:07:44.400 --> 0:07:48.200 person who has been in it what they're seeing. If 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:51.520 they say, oh, my family is great and everything is wonderful, 0:07:51.600 --> 0:07:53.440 and you show up to a barbecue and all you 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:58.680 see is chaos, we can now understand, Oh, this person 0:07:58.880 --> 0:08:02.600 is also a part of this dynamic. They don't want 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:06.800 to change anything because they're not even noticing some of 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:10.960 these issues. Because what we're doing, and I'm saying, we're 0:08:11.200 --> 0:08:14.000 I've dated people and you walk in and you're like, 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:17.280 oh my gosh. Right, And when I'm saying walk in, 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:20.600 you get into this relationship and you see the level 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.880 of boundaries maybe your partner doesn't have, or you see 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:28.960 this overbearing personality within you know, maybe one or both parents, 0:08:29.040 --> 0:08:31.600 or you see all of the sibling issues. 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:33.440 You start to see this stuff. 0:08:33.480 --> 0:08:37.079 If you have some dating history, you have dated someone 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:39.360 you know potentially. 0:08:38.800 --> 0:08:40.040 With these sort of issues. 0:08:40.080 --> 0:08:43.360 So hopefully you know you are beyond it, but if 0:08:43.440 --> 0:08:47.200 you are still in it, this is an opportunity for 0:08:47.360 --> 0:08:52.280 you to sort of think about perhaps some of these 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:56.680 issues are really big problems for you but not a 0:08:56.679 --> 0:08:59.760 big problem for your partner. They can be used to 0:08:59.760 --> 0:09:03.040 this level of chaos. They may not see the need 0:09:03.200 --> 0:09:06.320 for anything to be different. And when you're stepping into 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:10.320 someone's family, you may see these issues. You may have 0:09:10.880 --> 0:09:13.800 done the work. Heck, you're listening to this podcast. Heck, 0:09:13.840 --> 0:09:15.199 you're following my content. 0:09:15.360 --> 0:09:18.520 So you know what red flags are. 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:21.400 You know what might be healthy and what might not 0:09:21.480 --> 0:09:26.480 be healthy. When they're in this culture of unhealthiness or 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:31.800 these you know, interesting behaviors, they may not have a 0:09:31.840 --> 0:09:35.160 different viewpoint. And so you're seeing this stuff and you're like, Op, 0:09:35.280 --> 0:09:39.520 that's enabling up, that's codependency, up, that's addiction. Oh, my gosh, 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:42.280 they're borrowing money and they're not paying it back. That's 0:09:42.320 --> 0:09:45.400 taking advantage of you. You see all of these things. 0:09:45.400 --> 0:09:49.600 But to them, guess what it is normal. This is normal. 0:09:50.160 --> 0:09:54.360 This is not anything to raise a flag about. They're like, Oh, 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:55.080 that's just. 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:57.200 How she is. Oh that's how that person is. 0:09:57.280 --> 0:09:59.880 Oh it's just by Bob, she doesn't mean anything by it. 0:10:00.240 --> 0:10:04.360 This is their normal. So when you are already in 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:07.800 this situation or you're newly in a situation like this, 0:10:08.280 --> 0:10:12.920 I want you to remember this is their level of norm. 0:10:13.880 --> 0:10:17.280 You don't have to make it your level of normal functioning. 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:18.800 You don't have. 0:10:19.000 --> 0:10:22.800 To tolerate certain things, and as we continue to listen, 0:10:22.920 --> 0:10:25.760 we'll talk about some ways in which you can shift 0:10:26.320 --> 0:10:30.360 as a partner or how you can show up in 0:10:30.400 --> 0:10:34.800 these relationships. You don't have to adopt the culture. You know, 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:39.000 that's a choice to ignore some of these behaviors. You know, 0:10:39.080 --> 0:10:42.360 you may seem like, you know, the interesting party saying, hey, 0:10:42.360 --> 0:10:44.960 should we have alcohol here because there are four people 0:10:45.000 --> 0:10:48.040 who are coming who may not need to drink. You know, 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:50.200 I can handle my stuff, but I also don't need it, 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:53.200 So could this be an alcohol free event? That might be, 0:10:53.679 --> 0:10:56.440 you know, something that everybody sort of looks at, but 0:10:56.559 --> 0:10:59.880 it's also something that you can control in your house. 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:05.760 The second thing here, you can notice problems, but you 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:12.800 cannot change people. So noticing that people have issues with addiction, 0:11:13.040 --> 0:11:18.400 or noticing that there is some patriarchal gender line issues 0:11:18.440 --> 0:11:23.080 going on that is a problem, but it's also a 0:11:23.200 --> 0:11:26.800 problem that the other people may be unwilling to fix. 0:11:26.840 --> 0:11:29.080 So you can have a problem with their problem, but 0:11:29.160 --> 0:11:34.840 you cannot fix their problem. How do we let people 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:38.720 know that we have some sort of issue with their 0:11:38.800 --> 0:11:41.920 issues that they're unaware of. You bring it back to 0:11:41.960 --> 0:11:46.440 the partnership. This is what's happening in our relationship. We 0:11:46.520 --> 0:11:50.600 don't need to talk about your relationship. 0:11:49.840 --> 0:11:50.960 With your mother and father. 0:11:51.559 --> 0:11:54.559 This story you told us from eighth grade, how your 0:11:54.600 --> 0:11:58.200 brother did this at the thing. These are the ways 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:03.840 in which I'm having concerns about our relationships. I need 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:09.000 help with unloading the dishwasher. The conversation is not about 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:12.320 your dad never helped your mom unload dishes, so therefore 0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:15.120 you don't unload dishes. All in the men in your family, 0:12:15.160 --> 0:12:18.679 nobody is a dish unloader. We don't have that conversation. 0:12:19.280 --> 0:12:24.760 The conversation is around how the issues are showing up 0:12:25.240 --> 0:12:28.520 in your relationship with this person. I am having a 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:33.800 direct issue with you around who is supposed to wash 0:12:33.840 --> 0:12:38.280 and fold close. This is what I need. When we're 0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:43.640 stating our issue with people, Please please please tell them 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:46.760 the solution. Sometimes we're going to the people who are 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:49.080 creating a really big problem. Oh my gosh, you never 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:49.679 foel close. 0:12:49.920 --> 0:12:50.720 What do you want? 0:12:52.320 --> 0:12:56.000 I need you to help me fold close. You may 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:59.319 need to go to step number two. After you fowl the. 0:12:59.280 --> 0:13:02.920 Close, can you put them in the drawer? Step number 0:13:02.920 --> 0:13:04.319 three when. 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:07.520 You wash the clothes, I need you to use such 0:13:07.559 --> 0:13:10.480 and such detergent and such and such fabric softener and 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:11.360 throw some dryer. 0:13:11.400 --> 0:13:14.240 But we have to be clear with people. 0:13:15.600 --> 0:13:18.480 Assuming that they know how to do these things, particularly 0:13:18.559 --> 0:13:20.640 when we know they don't have a family history of 0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:24.240 doing it, can be very unfortunate for our relationship. 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:27.360 And highlighting all. 0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:30.800 Of the reasons that they're not doing something is not 0:13:31.080 --> 0:13:36.120 going to be particularly helpful. Keep it very tight and 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:40.160 focused on your day today with this person, not their history, 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:43.719 not their family history, not their great great grandfather. You 0:13:43.760 --> 0:13:46.320 know you come from a long line of this, and 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:49.480 that's why people don't do that. That's great information for 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:51.840 you to know, but it's not very helpful in an argument. 0:13:52.240 --> 0:13:54.760 What I need today. 0:13:53.880 --> 0:13:57.000 Is I don't care if your your grandmother didn't do it, 0:13:57.080 --> 0:13:59.840 or your great grandfather didn't do it. What I need 0:14:00.040 --> 0:14:03.000 from you is all of those other things those people 0:14:04.000 --> 0:14:07.000 And I understand a piece of this is cultural, but 0:14:07.160 --> 0:14:08.600 I am an and you don't have to say the 0:14:08.640 --> 0:14:12.959 culture part. But you are in the relationship with this person. 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:16.880 These are the things that we need to work on 0:14:17.080 --> 0:14:21.400 in our relationship. Culture aside, these are the things that 0:14:21.440 --> 0:14:25.320 we're working on. We have now blended cultures and as 0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:28.960 a part of my culture. This is what could be 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:33.320 hopeful for us, for us to be in a relationship. 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:35.800 We'll get back to this call after our break. 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:42.640 Let's keep listening. 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:47.640 And when the baby came, I went from being the 0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:55.120 girlfriend to being the daughter in law and felt over 0:14:55.280 --> 0:14:59.880 time that essentially my partner was going to prioritize as 0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:05.400 family of origin, their drama, their cultural norms, their wishes 0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:09.400 ahead of my own. And I felt that we never 0:15:09.640 --> 0:15:14.040 formed our nuclear family of three. As much as I 0:15:14.160 --> 0:15:17.640 try to advocate for our nuclear family of three and say, 0:15:18.320 --> 0:15:22.640 until we have weekly family time as a family of three, 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:26.240 I'm not going to schedule time for your parents to 0:15:26.320 --> 0:15:28.920 come and visit the child. We have to do it 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:32.400 as a family first. And he really found that to 0:15:32.480 --> 0:15:37.120 be so offensive, and me not letting the child see 0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:39.800 the grandparents and the child being the one thing that 0:15:39.920 --> 0:15:44.440 makes these folks who have a really difficult family life happy. 0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:48.560 And obviously we all get satisfaction from seeing our parents 0:15:48.760 --> 0:15:52.640 happy because of a grand baby. But I came to 0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:55.720 feel like an employee. I came to feel like I 0:15:55.880 --> 0:16:01.080 was there to serve these elders, and I have the 0:16:01.080 --> 0:16:06.000 cultural value of respecting my elders, but these elders were 0:16:06.160 --> 0:16:12.480 enabling an adult addict. My child's grandfather is mistreating his wife, 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:18.560 and the wife is a martyr who isn't standing up 0:16:18.600 --> 0:16:25.280 for herself and is having these emotionally messy codependent relationships 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:28.520 with both of her sons. I'm feeling resentment towards her. 0:16:28.800 --> 0:16:33.880 It became untenable and I decided to leave the relationship, 0:16:33.960 --> 0:16:37.440 and I'm now dealing with the fallout of that, where 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:40.200 I still have to be in relationship with these people 0:16:41.280 --> 0:16:45.360 who are going to be in my life forever, and 0:16:46.440 --> 0:16:49.480 because they aren't going to set boundaries or give the 0:16:49.560 --> 0:16:57.760 relationship any healthy structure, I'm going to have to provide 0:16:57.800 --> 0:17:03.600 that or I feel the proactive desire to take initiative 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:05.639 and say this is how I need it to be, 0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:10.000 especially because now my instinct is coming from protecting my 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:15.040 child in relationship with them, in addition to protecting myself 0:17:15.680 --> 0:17:16.960 in relationship with them. 0:17:19.920 --> 0:17:25.159 Resentment is really this all in one emotion. When I 0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:29.880 hear people talk about it, I get a sense of anger, hurt, sadness, 0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:36.800 and frustration wrapped up into one word. If it's not acknowledged, 0:17:36.880 --> 0:17:40.920 if it's not a process, if we're not actively working 0:17:41.040 --> 0:17:44.560 on it. It can eat away at us. It can 0:17:44.640 --> 0:17:50.520 really destroy our relationships with other people. It can ruin 0:17:51.200 --> 0:17:57.400 our compassion towards others because we're like, oh my gosh. 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:01.399 When I think about folks who are in the midst 0:18:01.720 --> 0:18:07.520 of enabling behaviors that are unhealthy for other people, like 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:11.240 you know, maybe like addiction, the compassionate part of me 0:18:11.560 --> 0:18:15.680 thinks about how hard it must be for them to 0:18:17.000 --> 0:18:21.840 not only watch someone suffer but not do anything about it, 0:18:22.280 --> 0:18:25.840 especially when it's their child. You know, I think about 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:30.879 my kids doing something, even if they caused it. You know, 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:33.959 they're running down the stairs fast, running down the stairs 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:37.240 with their tablet, they fall down the stairs. I don't 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:40.840 want to say to them, that's what you get. I'm 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:43.320 still gonna be like, oh my gosh, are you okay. 0:18:43.440 --> 0:18:47.760 So even when a person causes their own pain, as 0:18:47.800 --> 0:18:52.520 a parent, we may have compassion towards that, right, like, 0:18:52.680 --> 0:18:56.439 oh my gosh, Like, you're causing yourself this pain, But 0:18:56.520 --> 0:18:58.200 I still want to be here for you. I still 0:18:58.240 --> 0:18:59.919 want to love on you. And I think that's what 0:19:00.160 --> 0:19:04.639 enabling is. Like I know you're hurting yourself, I know 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:08.159 that this is harmful for you. I still want you 0:19:08.200 --> 0:19:10.760 to be better. I still want to support you in this, 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:14.879 and maybe the parent really feels like if I do 0:19:15.119 --> 0:19:17.680 enough helping, they can get out of this. Now we all, 0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:20.600 you know, we know that that's not typically how it works, 0:19:20.680 --> 0:19:25.000 but from a parent's perspective, the only way to be 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:29.199 hopeful might be to enable this person, you know, with 0:19:29.280 --> 0:19:33.320 this condition, with this behavior, with these tendencies, and so 0:19:33.440 --> 0:19:36.080 there is a little bit of compassion and grace that 0:19:36.119 --> 0:19:39.720 could just be pushed over her way as a parent, 0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:44.720 because we don't lose the love for our children even 0:19:44.760 --> 0:19:48.520 if they're wrapped up in these behaviors where they're harming themselves. 0:19:48.520 --> 0:19:52.640 And you know, some parents we can be wise in 0:19:52.680 --> 0:19:55.760 how we offer our compassion, and sometimes we just have 0:19:56.080 --> 0:20:00.080 endless compassion to a point where it's actually harmful to 0:20:00.119 --> 0:20:05.040 the other person. So, yes, this is unwise compassion. However, 0:20:05.160 --> 0:20:10.600 it is compassion nonetheless, and compassion that perhaps you know 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:14.160 from afar you don't understand. I think compassion from parent 0:20:14.200 --> 0:20:17.320 to child is different from you know, sibling to sibling 0:20:17.640 --> 0:20:20.800 or spouse to you know, brother in law. But you know, 0:20:20.880 --> 0:20:24.760 like those levels of the compassion sort of lesson, you know, 0:20:25.000 --> 0:20:29.160 with each relationship. You know, it's not a direct relationship. 0:20:29.240 --> 0:20:31.919 So I'm looking at the situation like this looks like 0:20:31.960 --> 0:20:34.160 something on TV and it looks like a mess. That's 0:20:34.200 --> 0:20:36.600 my level of attachment to it. And for the parent, 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:38.920 it's like, oh my gosh, this is me in this situation, 0:20:39.000 --> 0:20:41.080 and this is how I need to help. So just 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:44.239 consider that as you're saying she is, she is in 0:20:44.280 --> 0:20:48.320 this situation and it's really hard to respect her. It 0:20:48.440 --> 0:20:51.720 must be really hard to have a child in this 0:20:51.840 --> 0:20:54.560 situation and feel like I am the only person who 0:20:54.560 --> 0:20:57.440 can help. I am the only person who can pull 0:20:57.480 --> 0:21:01.000 them out of this. I am saving them from themselves 0:21:01.040 --> 0:21:04.720 by giving them money, by making excuses. There is something 0:21:05.040 --> 0:21:09.400 that I'm doing to help this situation. Now that you've 0:21:09.440 --> 0:21:14.240 decided to leave this relationship without them doing anything different, 0:21:15.119 --> 0:21:20.920 what can you do in these relationships with your I 0:21:20.920 --> 0:21:22.480 don't even want to call them in laws. I know 0:21:22.480 --> 0:21:24.800 they refer to you as daughter in law, but it's 0:21:24.920 --> 0:21:28.960 kind of like your your child's father's family, right, Like, 0:21:29.440 --> 0:21:33.880 how do you exist in the relationships with them? You 0:21:33.920 --> 0:21:36.800 will have some sort of custody with your child, and 0:21:37.240 --> 0:21:41.560 during that time you can have some rules, some boundaries 0:21:41.760 --> 0:21:45.760 around their level of activity. And access, So in some 0:21:45.920 --> 0:21:51.280 ways you can manage your relationship with them. Now. Of course, 0:21:51.400 --> 0:21:55.880 whatever they do when your child is with your former partner, 0:21:56.040 --> 0:21:57.920 they will be able to do. Now, you can talk 0:21:57.920 --> 0:22:02.120 about those things, but it does not necessary mean that 0:22:02.200 --> 0:22:05.800 he has to respect those things. The third thing I'm 0:22:05.840 --> 0:22:09.760 thinking of in this paragraph is the labeling that I'm 0:22:09.760 --> 0:22:16.720 saying codependent, enabling. Those terms describe a set of behaviors, right, 0:22:17.320 --> 0:22:19.520 it can be more helpful for us to look at 0:22:19.520 --> 0:22:22.760 those set of behaviors and talk about those than it 0:22:22.880 --> 0:22:26.640 might be to just label. Because when we throw that 0:22:26.760 --> 0:22:31.800 label out there, the people we're trying to get to 0:22:31.880 --> 0:22:34.960 get it. They may be offended by it. They may 0:22:35.000 --> 0:22:40.280 not feel like the situation fits everything within the label. 0:22:40.560 --> 0:22:46.040 So messy codependent relationships, What does that actually mean? Your 0:22:46.520 --> 0:22:50.080 mom gives your brother money, your mom does X, Y 0:22:50.119 --> 0:22:55.480 and Z, your brother at family events has eight drinks 0:22:55.520 --> 0:22:59.879 instead of two. What is the behavior we're saying? People 0:23:00.119 --> 0:23:03.640 can relate to that a bit more than us may 0:23:03.640 --> 0:23:08.320 be saying it's codependent, it's enabling. What are the behaviors 0:23:08.320 --> 0:23:11.920 that we're referring to speak to those behaviors as we're 0:23:11.960 --> 0:23:15.439 talking to people, and certainly as you're bringing these things 0:23:15.520 --> 0:23:20.760 up as an issue in your relationship, Remember, these are 0:23:20.840 --> 0:23:24.720 your issues with these people. These may not be your 0:23:24.760 --> 0:23:27.600 partner's issues. And I know we like to think like, 0:23:27.720 --> 0:23:30.760 oh my gosh, this is a general issue, this is 0:23:31.160 --> 0:23:34.480 an issue that everyone should have. But guess what sounds 0:23:34.520 --> 0:23:37.280 like It's not an everybody issue. It is your issue, 0:23:37.359 --> 0:23:39.200 and you will have to figure out now that I'm 0:23:39.240 --> 0:23:43.040 out of this relationship, how do I want to deal with, 0:23:43.600 --> 0:23:47.400 you know, these things that occur in my excess family. 0:23:47.560 --> 0:23:50.439 How do I want to talk to my kids about 0:23:50.480 --> 0:23:53.600 some of these things that I've seen. That is now 0:23:53.680 --> 0:23:58.040 the work to be done in those relationships. Let's keep listening. 0:24:01.359 --> 0:24:04.240 So again, while we're fortunately not dealing with the legal 0:24:04.280 --> 0:24:08.679 headache or the perhaps regret of a wedding and a 0:24:08.800 --> 0:24:12.360 legal marriage, we were very much in partnership and I 0:24:12.440 --> 0:24:16.520 really am also grappling with a personal sense of betrayal. 0:24:18.280 --> 0:24:22.280 My partner is in the public eye. I knew who 0:24:22.320 --> 0:24:25.520 he was before I started dating him, and was really 0:24:25.560 --> 0:24:31.240 attracted to his public values, which included his beliefs about 0:24:31.400 --> 0:24:36.879 justice and human rights and just kindness and how to 0:24:36.920 --> 0:24:39.920 be a human being in the world and to have 0:24:43.200 --> 0:24:48.439 he never really acknowledged his inherited patriarchy and how it 0:24:48.480 --> 0:24:52.760 affected our domestic life and the weight that it put 0:24:52.800 --> 0:24:55.480 on me, the load that it put on me, nor 0:24:55.720 --> 0:25:02.840 the sort of trauma of this to functional family. And 0:25:04.160 --> 0:25:08.000 I ended up feeling really confused in gas lit because 0:25:09.520 --> 0:25:11.800 I would just be saying over and over again how 0:25:11.840 --> 0:25:15.400 important something was to me, like the bathroom being cleaned, 0:25:15.440 --> 0:25:19.000 of the toilet seat being down, and it just never 0:25:19.119 --> 0:25:25.280 changed his behavior. And eventually, you know, despite the words 0:25:25.280 --> 0:25:27.960 of I love you and the intention on his part 0:25:28.000 --> 0:25:31.760 to be a good partner. I know it's important to 0:25:31.840 --> 0:25:33.840 him to be able to say that he's a good partner, 0:25:34.080 --> 0:25:36.960 to be a good partner, but he doesn't actually take 0:25:37.000 --> 0:25:41.000 the actions, and it would just be about how he 0:25:41.040 --> 0:25:43.320 could never meet my standards and it was never going 0:25:43.400 --> 0:25:48.800 to be good enough. It's left me very confused. And 0:25:48.880 --> 0:25:51.760 while I'm pretty sure it was the right decision for 0:25:51.840 --> 0:25:55.399 me to leave the relationship, especially because it's not a 0:25:55.440 --> 0:25:59.800 regular breakup where I can just sort of distance myself again, 0:26:00.160 --> 0:26:02.280 obviously going to have to be in relationship with all 0:26:02.320 --> 0:26:05.919 of these folks, and as a parent, my son is 0:26:05.960 --> 0:26:09.359 only three, you know, want to be able to explain 0:26:09.440 --> 0:26:14.160 things to him if and when he asks, more like when, 0:26:15.119 --> 0:26:19.119 and just be in healthy relationship for myself with people 0:26:19.160 --> 0:26:24.120 who have proven that they're going to maintain the chaos 0:26:24.119 --> 0:26:28.720 and dysfunction. If anything, these folks have proven to me 0:26:28.960 --> 0:26:33.040 that they're not really going to take the actions to change. 0:26:33.119 --> 0:26:36.800 I've never seen that in the five years now that 0:26:36.840 --> 0:26:38.840 I've been in relationship with them. 0:26:40.600 --> 0:26:46.080 Is domestics support a human's rights issue? Is this something 0:26:46.960 --> 0:26:50.760 that should be addressed in partnerships? 0:26:50.880 --> 0:26:51.359 I think so. 0:26:52.440 --> 0:26:56.960 As a therapist who sees couples, one of the predominant 0:26:57.119 --> 0:27:02.879