WEBVTT - EP 348: If You In Da Hole.... 0:00:02.560 --> 0:00:05.760 Guess what decision we're about to make. Horrible decision. 0:00:08.760 --> 0:00:11.559 Welcome guys to another episode. 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:19.000 Of Hungry Blaze your Oh my goodness, we are back 0:00:19.040 --> 0:00:19.600 at it again. 0:00:20.320 --> 0:00:22.919 Still sell a bit, probably not by the time y'all 0:00:22.920 --> 0:00:26.560 actually hear this episode because I am about to get fucked, 0:00:26.720 --> 0:00:30.080 but I am Mandy b Aka about to get fucked 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:33.000 aka by your daddy probably AKA. 0:00:33.280 --> 0:00:36.120 What's the not she wants them to have kids? What's up, y'all, 0:00:36.159 --> 0:00:41.000 I'm weasy. Welcome back to another episode. A few things 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:44.760 off the top. I feel very self healthy today. Okay, 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:49.159 yesterday I had a day where I just spent a 0:00:49.200 --> 0:00:53.239 lot of time committed to Like sometimes we get advice 0:00:53.720 --> 0:00:57.320 about whether it be manifestation or listening to certain things, 0:00:57.320 --> 0:00:59.080 and I was like, Okay, I'm actually just gonna take 0:00:59.200 --> 0:01:02.000 all of those things do them instead of like bullshitting okay, 0:01:02.200 --> 0:01:03.560 kind of like how when people say they're gonna go 0:01:03.560 --> 0:01:05.800 to the gym, but they don't go, right, I feel, 0:01:05.840 --> 0:01:07.600 and I'm not saying that to be shady to anyone listening. 0:01:07.680 --> 0:01:09.280 I mean, like, sometimes we know we need to do 0:01:09.319 --> 0:01:10.480 it for our health, we know we need to do 0:01:10.480 --> 0:01:13.520 it for our mental but we don't so yesterday I 0:01:13.560 --> 0:01:14.880 just did all the things I said I was gonna do. 0:01:15.400 --> 0:01:17.080 And what were some of those things? 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:23.200 So during some tough moments this year, I hit up 0:01:23.319 --> 0:01:29.080 all the people that I felt like had elevated within 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:31.440 the last year, just right before my eyes, just like 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:36.919 fucking blow up right. One of my homegirls recently started 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:39.240 a new business and one of the things that she 0:01:39.400 --> 0:01:42.520 told me to do was start talking to myself more. Okay, 0:01:42.520 --> 0:01:45.560 and it sounds kind of looney to me, but the 0:01:45.680 --> 0:01:48.560 gin will hold you. She was like, the second you 0:01:48.600 --> 0:01:50.840 feel like a tear coming on or just something making 0:01:50.840 --> 0:01:53.000 you feel sad, you have to start talking to yourself. 0:01:53.480 --> 0:01:55.240 So literally, yesterday it started. 0:01:54.920 --> 0:01:58.440 Happening, and she was like, even if you feel stupid, 0:01:58.440 --> 0:02:00.000 you might like laugh at yourself, but you gotta do. 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:02.920 I was like, bro, you are so beautiful. I like 0:02:03.000 --> 0:02:04.840 looked at myself in my own eyes in the mirror, 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:07.400 and I was like, you're so beautiful. You work so hard, 0:02:07.760 --> 0:02:11.120 You're going to get everything you want. Questlove sent me 0:02:12.120 --> 0:02:16.760 mourning meditations and he was like, he is one of 0:02:16.800 --> 0:02:18.239 those people. And I don't know if anyone listens to 0:02:18.280 --> 0:02:20.320 quest Love Supreme. I don't listen to podcasts. But there's 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:21.920 no way he doesn't talk about this because he's been 0:02:21.919 --> 0:02:24.920 this person since I've become his friend. He is so like, 0:02:25.560 --> 0:02:27.920 you have to wake up in the morning and have 0:02:27.960 --> 0:02:30.400 a routine or you're not going to be successful. If 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:33.799 you think that you can even wake up and not 0:02:33.840 --> 0:02:37.919 show gratitude, not stretch, not do these things, you can't 0:02:37.919 --> 0:02:41.600 be a functional, successful being, period. And he's been saying 0:02:41.600 --> 0:02:43.880 that to me forever. So finally I did his morning 0:02:43.919 --> 0:02:46.800 meditation shit, and one of the things in the meditation 0:02:48.880 --> 0:02:54.760 it was saying something about picture the life that you want, like, 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:58.480 meditate on what that life feels like, think about that 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:01.560 feeling and transfer that feeling into your body right now. 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:06.000 And I've done thatation meditation a few times, but maybe 0:03:06.000 --> 0:03:07.960 I was just more open to receive it. It's crazy, 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:10.480 like I literally thought about I don't know what he 0:03:10.480 --> 0:03:13.760 looks like, I know he was, Like I thought about 0:03:13.800 --> 0:03:20.240 me being outside with Nina and my man, and mind you, 0:03:20.280 --> 0:03:21.560 I've been having a lot of these days with the 0:03:21.639 --> 0:03:22.760 dread dude on day and right, we'd go to the 0:03:22.800 --> 0:03:25.280 parking shit like that, but I just pictured dumb man 0:03:26.240 --> 0:03:28.120 and like, was it a man that you know already. 0:03:28.320 --> 0:03:30.480 I don't even know a face. I just know the 0:03:30.520 --> 0:03:34.880 way that it made me feel. And it was very intense, 0:03:35.000 --> 0:03:37.920 and I was like literally in the meditating smiling thinking 0:03:37.920 --> 0:03:38.240 about it. 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:40.600 That's how real it felt to me. It felt so 0:03:40.920 --> 0:03:41.720 like at home. 0:03:42.280 --> 0:03:44.840 It felt like I knew who it was and it 0:03:44.880 --> 0:03:47.800 felt right, and like I don't know when that's going 0:03:47.880 --> 0:03:49.360 to be welcomed into my life, but I had to 0:03:49.480 --> 0:03:50.560 know how it feels like. 0:03:51.080 --> 0:03:51.960 And I think. 0:03:52.280 --> 0:03:55.280 Another thing I was doing I literally journaled in a bar. 0:03:55.840 --> 0:03:58.760 I was at smash Burger and I got a journal 0:03:58.760 --> 0:04:02.840 and I started journaling the things I want. And I'm 0:04:02.880 --> 0:04:06.360 really not scared to say it out loud, because I 0:04:06.440 --> 0:04:14.480 find that sometimes I get very shy about expressing the 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:16.360 things I want out of love because I know how 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:20.720 like sinister and lonely single bitches could feel. But when 0:04:20.760 --> 0:04:22.600 I was broke, I was talking about how rich I 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:24.840 would be, and so if an amazing love is something 0:04:24.880 --> 0:04:26.440 I'm gonna welcome into my life, like I'm gonna talk 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:27.240 about it the same way. 0:04:27.360 --> 0:04:27.840 There were so. 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:31.200 Many moments where I remember even talking about my studio 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:32.560 or the things I would want or the money I 0:04:32.560 --> 0:04:34.800 would want to make, and maybe somebody looked at me 0:04:34.839 --> 0:04:35.960 and like laughed about it. 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:39.120 So that might be happening right now, but I can't. 0:04:38.880 --> 0:04:40.680 Give a fuck about it because that's just like what 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:43.440 I'm destined to have. So when I was writing down 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:47.400 the things that I want, it was interesting because number 0:04:47.440 --> 0:04:50.000 eleven was something that I talked to my way Andre 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:52.080 last night about it, and I was like, am I 0:04:52.120 --> 0:04:54.560 a bird for wanting this? So the first ten things 0:04:54.560 --> 0:04:58.479 are things that are deeply intellectual and spiritual in what 0:04:58.560 --> 0:05:02.640 I wanted a person, and number eleven was very basic 0:05:02.800 --> 0:05:06.360 and it was someone I can party with. And I 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:08.880 was like, Yo, do I not know what I want? 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:12.680 Because is this why I'm being kept from a good 0:05:12.720 --> 0:05:15.320 relationship because I'm looking for niggas to party with. He's 0:05:15.360 --> 0:05:18.159 like no, but do you really think you want to party? 0:05:18.240 --> 0:05:20.080 Like is that where your brain is at? You think 0:05:20.080 --> 0:05:22.280 you'll be there? And I'm like, bro, Like, look at 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:25.000 my mom. My mom was a studio fifty four girl. 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:27.360 My mom is seventy two years old, right. My mom 0:05:27.440 --> 0:05:29.760 isn't party on the weekends, but if my mom and 0:05:29.800 --> 0:05:31.040 I are out together. 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:32.920 She is the life of the party. 0:05:33.040 --> 0:05:37.080 I don't think that that's I think that a lot 0:05:37.120 --> 0:05:40.240 of women associate partying with the fun girl. 0:05:40.880 --> 0:05:45.720 There's a lot of relationships that I know now like that. 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:48.200 I see they literally plan to go out and they'll 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:50.840 go to clubs together, they'll go to dinners after. 0:05:51.000 --> 0:05:54.760 And I think, is that social or party? No, it's 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:55.360 just them too. 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:58.560 It's not for work, which that's that is what I identify 0:05:58.480 --> 0:05:59.039 as social. 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:01.239 Social media is I'm going. 0:06:01.080 --> 0:06:03.480 To network, I gotta be around people, I gotta show face. 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:07.200 They literally went to like uh and they're married, married 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:10.800 couple went to Habibie, which is this news place in Brooklyn, 0:06:11.200 --> 0:06:14.400 and then literally went to the rooftop, went to hookah 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:19.200 and literally bounced around, had a good ass time. I 0:06:19.240 --> 0:06:22.320 remember that outside of the sex club, me and my 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:24.479 ex used to do like and I think that that 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:26.320 was a part of the things that I enjoyed like. 0:06:26.520 --> 0:06:30.000 It doesn't Partying has defined differently. Doesn't have to mean club. 0:06:30.839 --> 0:06:33.960 It could mean it could mean Sunday football, were going out, 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:36.520 we gonna watch the game. We're just gonna be out 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:39.919 around people and talk to me. And so the idea 0:06:39.960 --> 0:06:41.920 that I think you have to get out of the 0:06:42.560 --> 0:06:47.000 phase of or the mindset that partying is a part 0:06:47.120 --> 0:06:52.159 of and an attribute that lowers the value of a woman, 0:06:52.360 --> 0:06:55.080 which normally again the party girl, the fun girl. When 0:06:55.080 --> 0:06:57.479 we think of someone who constantly parties in the street, 0:06:58.320 --> 0:06:59.960 it's deemed as you in the street. 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:04.400 So I realized why I've been enjoying the relationship I'm 0:07:04.440 --> 0:07:08.200 having with the dread niggas so much. The most fun 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:11.800 relationship I was in was obay me and that nigga 0:07:11.920 --> 0:07:14.520 just knew how to move bro, Like it's just it 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:16.480 is what it is. Like there wasn't a dull moment. 0:07:16.680 --> 0:07:18.560 We'd be in the bed in the Lower East Side 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:20.760 and he'd be like, all right, let's go to let 0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:23.520 like and it happened to me and throughout the other day, 0:07:23.600 --> 0:07:25.680 like we had a great day. We were biking, we 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:29.360 were doing shit, and I was like so and like, 0:07:30.120 --> 0:07:32.000 I don't know if anything is bad about it. But 0:07:32.040 --> 0:07:33.520 one thing he did say to me that made me 0:07:33.560 --> 0:07:36.520 feel a little like insecure, Not like he was saying 0:07:36.560 --> 0:07:38.160 it as a shot to me, but I realized, Oh, 0:07:38.200 --> 0:07:40.440 I wonder if I've seen this with other men. He 0:07:40.560 --> 0:07:42.440 was like, damn, Like, have we had like a chill night? 0:07:43.080 --> 0:07:45.600 Have we ever like watched a movie together? Mind you, 0:07:45.640 --> 0:07:48.960 this Nigga's flown to La to be with me, and no, 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:51.720 I've never watched a movie with him, Like, I've never 0:07:51.920 --> 0:07:54.760 just chilled. And I was like, uh now, I will say, 0:07:54.760 --> 0:07:56.600 as someone that's by coastal, maybe we just have to 0:07:56.640 --> 0:07:59.000 make the most of shit. But bro, like we're moving, 0:07:59.160 --> 0:08:01.840 we're doing have an event, or it's just something going on, 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:05.000 or he's taking me somewhere. It's always something active and 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:10.200 I'm hitting me like Hospital Dick is a man and really, 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:12.080 like truly, when I'm journaling, Vicious is in a bar, 0:08:12.600 --> 0:08:14.440 like I'm thinking about the men that I've dated and 0:08:14.480 --> 0:08:17.280 why I loved them, Why what was something that they lacked? 0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:20.320 In Hospital Dick was the man that filled me the 0:08:20.360 --> 0:08:24.000 most and poured into me the most, But he was 0:08:24.120 --> 0:08:27.080 I didn't have fun with him like that, I really didn't. 0:08:27.680 --> 0:08:31.480 He was next level love, right, like sending me fucking 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:35.920 poetry and just making me feel like love of my 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:39.880 life type shit, But it wasn't the same like he 0:08:40.000 --> 0:08:42.640 was a He wasn't like so much of a hood 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:44.600 nigga more than he was Like, my bitch is lit 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:46.440 and if someone comes up to her and starts talking 0:08:46.440 --> 0:08:48.000 to her at a bar, I gotta protect her type 0:08:48.000 --> 0:08:51.319 of guy instead of like smiley face ah ah. I'm 0:08:51.320 --> 0:08:53.280 thinking about when I was out with the dread nigga 0:08:53.280 --> 0:08:54.880 that the night, and it reminded me of Old Bay 0:08:55.440 --> 0:08:58.320 because boom, we go out of dinner at seven o'clock 0:08:58.559 --> 0:09:00.840 like it's we in the street. So and that shit 0:09:00.960 --> 0:09:02.760 is fun and shit to me, it's a very New 0:09:02.880 --> 0:09:04.880 York night. It's something that makes me love this city. 0:09:05.000 --> 0:09:07.440 And no it's not every time, but I realize this 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:09.720 is a fucking quality that I need in the person 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:11.920 i'm dating. So literally, when I'm on a date with 0:09:11.960 --> 0:09:15.160 a guy, and it's terrible because I'm talking to my 0:09:15.240 --> 0:09:16.880 guy friends about what I want and I'm trying to 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:17.959 see what they read in me. 0:09:18.960 --> 0:09:19.800 And Alex was. 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:22.120 Like, you keep looking for fuck niggas, you keep looking 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:24.160 produce the party with you can't. The reason you can't 0:09:24.160 --> 0:09:26.480 have a boyfriend is because you don't want the guys 0:09:26.480 --> 0:09:29.280 that are just chill. I'm like, bro, but they don't 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:32.439 suit me. Who's going to fucking hop on a plane 0:09:32.440 --> 0:09:34.360 with me? The homebody nigga that don't want to leave. 0:09:34.720 --> 0:09:36.440 What if I have four days off, I'm like, baby, 0:09:36.480 --> 0:09:39.200 let's go to Mexico. The fun Nigga's gonna go, so 0:09:39.320 --> 0:09:41.400 this isn't so again. 0:09:41.440 --> 0:09:46.080 I just think that there's negative attributes being being added 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:48.600 to those things. Like when we think of a partner, 0:09:48.679 --> 0:09:52.439 we want a partner that's at least got similar interests. 0:09:52.679 --> 0:09:54.920 This is just one of those similar interests that you 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:58.040 have that you're like, I want someone to match that energy. 0:09:58.320 --> 0:10:00.560 Like, I know we talk about opposites of t a lot. 0:10:00.679 --> 0:10:02.559 But if this is one of those things that you 0:10:02.640 --> 0:10:05.440 really like, you can find a partner that's really into 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:06.040 that as well. 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:08.400 And I look at my parents' relationship a lot as 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:11.040 the pinnacle of what I want, not just a man 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:13.320 to take care of me, because I'm not necessarily looking 0:10:13.320 --> 0:10:15.679 for that. I'm very independent, not saying my mother is 0:10:15.720 --> 0:10:19.240 super dependent, but she's just very much like my man 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:22.280 is handling this right. I thought about my father and 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:27.040 how passive he is and how chill he is about 0:10:27.080 --> 0:10:28.920 my mom going out and he doesn't have to be there. 0:10:29.440 --> 0:10:32.400 But then I'm actually thinking back and I'm like, oh, 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:35.160 my dad is the introvert, but never was my mom 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:38.080 out and my dad wasn't dancing with her or wasn't 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:40.439 smiling at her having fun. I mean, my dad is 0:10:40.440 --> 0:10:42.840 in a wheelchair now, But I remember that shit like 0:10:43.200 --> 0:10:46.640 getting up being excited about how his wife was the 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:48.920 life of the part, like that, I do need it, 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:50.040 And so you. 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:53.800 Just what it sounds like is what I realized was 0:10:53.800 --> 0:10:56.440 happening with me. You just want someone that's not going 0:10:56.440 --> 0:10:59.280 to dim your life. You want someone that's literally just 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:01.640 going to accept you for you. You don't want to 0:11:02.160 --> 0:11:04.880 take away the joys of your life, the things that 0:11:04.960 --> 0:11:08.880 bring you happiness. That is actually a basic ask for 0:11:09.120 --> 0:11:13.280 a relationship and for someone that you deem should love you. 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:16.000 And that's the thing too, Like in dating, I think 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:20.280 like we have these ideas of the wifey material or 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:23.160 the girl who's gonna get cuffed or wiped, or what 0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:26.400 is deemed as the right type of behavior to be 0:11:26.480 --> 0:11:29.160 a girlfriend or a wife or a mother. A lot 0:11:29.160 --> 0:11:31.000 of those things are going out the window now. But 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:33.520 if this is something that you enjoy, I guarantee you, 0:11:33.679 --> 0:11:36.360 because these niggas like doing it, They like being outside. 0:11:36.480 --> 0:11:38.560 If you're someone that they enjoy being around, they're not 0:11:38.559 --> 0:11:40.600 gonna mind going to the club and partying with you 0:11:40.640 --> 0:11:41.000 as well. 0:11:41.040 --> 0:11:44.160 But also, I think what is conflicting and interesting when 0:11:44.160 --> 0:11:48.640 I'm thinking about this. It's like I really do believe 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:53.440 to most men, I don't think settling down. They don't 0:11:53.440 --> 0:11:55.120 want the girl that's necessarily house. So I think it's 0:11:55.120 --> 0:11:57.079 a very small pool for that. 0:11:57.080 --> 0:11:59.960 That's someone that we already both swimming in small pool 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:02.000 and we really think about it. 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:03.959 The pools are small, bitch. We swimming in box. We 0:12:04.000 --> 0:12:04.760 swimming in the little. 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:07.079 Kiddie pools that you gotta blow up and guess what, 0:12:07.400 --> 0:12:08.360 it's so old school. 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:10.120 There ain't no pump, Bitch. We in the pools where 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:12.199 you gotta but. 0:12:12.240 --> 0:12:13.679 You gotta blow it and then you might have to 0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:14.880 take a break and come back. 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:17.120 That's the type of pools we swimming in, bitch. So 0:12:17.880 --> 0:12:19.760 you just gotta know it's very much above ground. Kit 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:23.520 you gonna be hard. But like it's crazy. 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:25.240 Because you know what I did not write down, and 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:27.880 I was like going through it, which I wrote nothing 0:12:27.920 --> 0:12:31.640 down about him having money in this list ten years ago, 0:12:31.679 --> 0:12:36.880 five years ago. Money was almost first. I remember some 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:39.920 of the things I wrote. I want them to be 0:12:40.000 --> 0:12:42.000 weird to someone else and not me. I want them 0:12:42.000 --> 0:12:44.839 to be alternative in some way. I brought up attractive 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:47.920 and like the first three lines I brought up smarter 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:48.240 than me. 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:49.559 It would be my first three lines too. 0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:52.000 Yeah, I'm sorry, but like shallow as a bitch was 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:53.920 fucking a nigga right now that like I just want 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:55.319 to fuck all the time because he's so. 0:12:55.360 --> 0:12:56.080 Fine to me. 0:12:57.280 --> 0:12:59.600 Oh, I know, I would have been in jail if 0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:02.160 I got played the way I did by an ugly nigga. 0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:04.760 I would have been like, yo. 0:13:04.200 --> 0:13:06.800 My nigga gotta be fine, and it's this is the 0:13:06.840 --> 0:13:09.400 mental fuck of it all. Okay, I'm gonna excuse his 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:11.800 nutty ass boy behavior because he's fine. 0:13:11.800 --> 0:13:13.920 I knew what I was signing up for. A ugly nigga. 0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:15.720 Try me, bitch. I'm a snapped. 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:19.679 I mean because it's like you really you you you 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:24.599 really fumbled me and you not okayway alternative was on 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:29.280 there in whatever way that is, I don't know, but 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:30.480 I realized. 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:31.600 That you don't have an a Polish we know. 0:13:31.720 --> 0:13:34.400 No, maybe he doesn't, but like maybe he's just a 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:36.840 weird ass fucking nigga that doesn't like normal shit. Whether 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:40.160 it be music or he's had a fucking weird ass interest, 0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:42.720 I don't know, but like something about it that makes 0:13:42.760 --> 0:13:46.520 him different. Also, I think another thing I wrote on 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:53.640 there is like taking serious pleasure in my elevation. And 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:58.720 I've noticed with my closer friends how they take pleasure 0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:02.960 in my wins and accesses. And I'm not saying Old 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:06.680 Day never did that, but I've known certain men over 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:09.640 others to be like, fuck yeah, bitch, you fucking doing 0:14:09.679 --> 0:14:12.160 it like you know? And I love that energy from 0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:13.400 a man, which is really wild. 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:16.439 That would probably be top three for me now because 0:14:16.480 --> 0:14:19.640 I didn't get it, because I've realized how draining it 0:14:19.800 --> 0:14:24.160 was to be with someone who, in moments that I 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:27.720 was elated, found a reason to argue, found a reason 0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:30.480 to make me feel sad because the relationship wasn't where 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:33.840 I wanted. I want someone who for sure can be 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:39.440 around and pour into me, and maybe someone who sees 0:14:39.440 --> 0:14:40.320 more in me than I see in. 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:42.360 Myself, because bitch, I'll see a lot of myself. 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:44.160 So if I can get a man around me that 0:14:44.800 --> 0:14:47.560 doesn't sit here like, I'll never forget it. There was 0:14:47.800 --> 0:14:49.360 and may I may have said it on this pod. 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:51.320 There's one thing that was said to me that when 0:14:51.320 --> 0:14:53.360 I've shared it with other men, they're like, oh, he 0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:57.840 was a hater. I remember we got together. I started 0:14:57.880 --> 0:15:01.080 the box, I started the pod with Bridget, I got 0:15:01.160 --> 0:15:04.320 the show with MTV. I'm doing all these things, and 0:15:04.360 --> 0:15:06.200 it was all literally things I said I wanted to do. 0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:11.320 And I remember hearing you better keep asking for what 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:15.800 you want now because this doesn't last forever. Literally, I 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:18.600 was told that this is a moment in your life. 0:15:18.640 --> 0:15:21.880 I'm seeing you get everything you want this shit, this 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:24.440 shit ain't gonna be forever, so you better keep asking 0:15:24.720 --> 0:15:27.160 because you may be in a moment where all of 0:15:27.280 --> 0:15:29.480 you lose all of it. That was said to me 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:33.400 in a moment where I was like, so, first off, 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:36.160 I was busting my ass. Second of all, I was 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:39.480 in a place of like, Wow, this guy's the limit. 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:42.280 I'm doing things I would have never fucking imagined, and 0:15:42.400 --> 0:15:44.400 you're telling me that there's a time limit on this 0:15:45.000 --> 0:15:45.920 and that I. 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:48.080 Need to go ahead and just hurry up and get whatever. 0:15:48.280 --> 0:15:52.160 You believed it bro he said that to me, I 0:15:52.200 --> 0:15:55.840 say it and even and I don't know in what 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:59.400 in what experiences he's had where maybe he's seen someone 0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:02.240 get everything and lose it all after, but he literally 0:16:02.320 --> 0:16:04.240 was like, I've sat here and seen you manifest the 0:16:04.280 --> 0:16:07.880 things that you want in life. You don't know when 0:16:07.920 --> 0:16:09.560 it's gonna end, but it's gonna end, so you better 0:16:09.560 --> 0:16:15.000 get everything you want now. And a part of one 0:16:15.040 --> 0:16:18.080 of our bigger breakups was after AVN. He made me, 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:20.640 although he came with me there, made me feel really 0:16:20.720 --> 0:16:23.720 bad for us being a part of AVN and was 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:27.680 like brought up like the whiteness of it and was like, oh, 0:16:27.720 --> 0:16:29.240 but it's just sex. Is that where you want to 0:16:29.240 --> 0:16:31.400 be for your whole life? And oh, why aren't you 0:16:31.480 --> 0:16:34.560 doing this? And was like we went, we elevated, were 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:37.800 accepting a nomination. We looked beautiful, we looked beautiful, we 0:16:37.880 --> 0:16:41.360 felt beautiful. Even though we left after the first nominee. 0:16:41.040 --> 0:16:44.000 We got to be a part of building the elevation 0:16:44.040 --> 0:16:45.840 of what this show was that we've been doing it 0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:46.760 for seven years. 0:16:47.040 --> 0:16:49.320 And this is something that I was saying to you. 0:16:52.600 --> 0:16:54.120 I went on a date I was saying with someone 0:16:54.400 --> 0:16:57.000 super rich and famous, and one of the things we 0:16:57.000 --> 0:16:59.000 were talking about together, I was like, I don't even 0:16:59.040 --> 0:17:01.160 need this nigga to be like hell, I need them 0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:03.880 to just fucking thrive in their work, be really good 0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:07.080 at what they do to where they're stealing so much fulfillment. 0:17:08.160 --> 0:17:10.080 You know, Old Bay was making great money but I 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:13.680 could tell he was bored, you know, but like, great, 0:17:13.680 --> 0:17:15.960 we lived a life we live. But also, and this 0:17:16.080 --> 0:17:17.440 is no shade to him, I also think he's a 0:17:17.480 --> 0:17:19.199 piece of shit, and you know, I hate him, but 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:21.760 I think he was just more passionate about life than work. 0:17:22.080 --> 0:17:24.680 And in that particular point in my life, I had 0:17:24.680 --> 0:17:26.600 a passion and it was my work. 0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:28.879 So that was kind of out of alignment. Mind you 0:17:28.960 --> 0:17:31.520 bitch saying I was with a fucking retired nigga and 0:17:31.520 --> 0:17:34.760 that can be difficult. And he was like, I lived 0:17:34.760 --> 0:17:39.560 my life and I'm here you are just which is okay, 0:17:39.480 --> 0:17:41.560 it's not can at least, but the parallel. 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:44.480 I don't think we think of where are our partners 0:17:44.560 --> 0:17:46.560 at in their life? 0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:47.359 Like I don't. 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:50.159 I think when we draw lists, phase are you in? 0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:52.399 What phase are you in in your life? We know 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:54.840 we've talked about building bear niggas, We've talked about holding 0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:58.159 niggas out. We've talked about maybe meeting someone young and 0:17:58.240 --> 0:18:00.119 knowing that they have a lot of growing to do. 0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:03.000 They have a lot of growth to do, even maybe 0:18:03.040 --> 0:18:03.600 in their job. 0:18:04.160 --> 0:18:08.320 I think now me being with someone who was retired 0:18:08.880 --> 0:18:11.040 and like I did all the work I could do. 0:18:11.440 --> 0:18:14.639 I'm making my pension. I have this, this is me. 0:18:14.800 --> 0:18:17.399 I didn't realize the resentment of Oh, he's at a 0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:21.439 place where his life work wise has ended. He feels 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:25.040 like he's worked his blue collar, white collar, whatever job 0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:28.359 he's worked at for the twenty plus years of his life. 0:18:29.040 --> 0:18:32.119 He's now in a place where he's receiving the fruits 0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:32.639 of his labor. 0:18:33.320 --> 0:18:34.480 I'm in a grind mode. 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:38.159 I'm not even halfway where I want to be. And 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:42.640 I realized that it doesn't matter where he's at an industry, 0:18:42.720 --> 0:18:45.800 right he could work corporate, he could be somewhere else. 0:18:46.080 --> 0:18:48.520 He doesn't have to be in my industry at all. 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:50.640 But I need the grind. I need to be able 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:53.879 to have someone to understand the struggles of a setback 0:18:54.320 --> 0:18:57.159