WEBVTT - Grieving In My Own Way 0:00:03.320 --> 0:00:06.560 There have been years, maybe two years in the eleven 0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:10.039 that I haven't posted my mom for December ninth, the 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:12.480 day of my mom's passing, and I would get grabbed 0:00:12.480 --> 0:00:15.360 for it. I was at some award shows where I 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:18.079 sang for my mom and I saw in a comment 0:00:18.120 --> 0:00:20.160 they were like, Oh, is she just like always going 0:00:20.200 --> 0:00:22.279 to do this for her mom? I was like, what, 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:26.360 that is so ridiculous. In the Latin culture, you have 0:00:26.400 --> 0:00:29.680 to respect the first month or months and don't listen 0:00:29.760 --> 0:00:32.479 to music, and I get that. My thing is, however, 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:35.040 you want to grieve, no one should judge you for that. 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:41.640 What up, guys, Welcome to another episode of Chee's and Chill. 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:44.839 Today actually marks the last Cheeze and Chill episode of 0:00:44.880 --> 0:00:47.440 the season, and then we'll be back in early twenty 0:00:47.479 --> 0:00:49.600 twenty four, so don't be too sad you guys. Thank 0:00:49.640 --> 0:00:52.280 you so much for coming along with me on this journey. 0:00:52.320 --> 0:00:55.200 I've had so many great moments and wonderful discussions here 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:57.120 on my pot and I hope you'll join me for 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:00.480 another season. So with that being said, today this episode 0:01:00.480 --> 0:01:02.440 is going to be a solo episode. I want to 0:01:02.440 --> 0:01:05.920 talk to you about the pressures of grieving publicly. If 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:08.399 you've lost someone, you probably know what I'm talking about. 0:01:08.880 --> 0:01:11.319 There's this pressure to feel a certain way or act 0:01:11.400 --> 0:01:13.040 a certain way, and I want to talk about that 0:01:13.160 --> 0:01:15.119 just a little bit more. So let's get into it. 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:30.600 This is Cheeky's and chill. Okay, So some of you 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:34.240 might already know this, but Saturday marked the eleventh anniversary 0:01:34.360 --> 0:01:37.760 of my mom. January Vera is passing eleven freaking years. 0:01:37.800 --> 0:01:42.000 You guys, I swear, I'm like, how when how did 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:43.840 I get here? You know what I mean? Like, I'm 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:47.000 like eleven years already, and there are times when it 0:01:47.040 --> 0:01:50.240 feels like forever, and then most of the time it 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:53.360 feels like it was just yesterday. It's the craziest thing 0:01:54.040 --> 0:01:56.160 because when I sit there and think everything that I've 0:01:56.200 --> 0:01:58.240 gone through and that I've had to deal with or 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:02.040 face without my mom, it trips me out still to 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:05.240 this day. And I think that day, December ninth, the 0:02:05.280 --> 0:02:08.320 day of my mom's passing, is more to be with 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:11.000 my siblings more than anything. And there are years, there 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:13.480 has been year should I say where Mikey, my brother, 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:16.200 or even Jenica. Some of us just want to be alone, 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:19.040 don't necessarily want to be together. They want to do 0:02:19.080 --> 0:02:21.359 their own thing, and I've had to learn to respect 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:25.040 that because in the beginning years, we had this thing 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:27.960 of like, let's all be together and we you know, 0:02:28.160 --> 0:02:31.800 and I wanted to remove that pressure because we already 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:36.560 have so much pressure I feel publicly with my mom's passing. 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:39.519 And this is exactly why I want to talk about this, 0:02:39.639 --> 0:02:44.000 because there have been years, maybe two years in the 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:48.040 eleven that I haven't posted my mom for December ninth, 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:51.000 and I would get crab for it. People would talk shit, 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:53.440 and I'm just like, what the hell Like Now, I 0:02:53.480 --> 0:02:55.720 don't care. Now, I'm just like, if I feel it, 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:57.480 if I wake up in the morning and I feel 0:02:57.480 --> 0:03:00.520 it on that day, I'm going to do it. Times 0:03:00.560 --> 0:03:03.640 that i'll feel it later in the day. There are 0:03:03.680 --> 0:03:05.320 times that I'll feel it at three o'clock in the 0:03:05.360 --> 0:03:08.000 morning December ninth, and I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna post it. 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:09.320 And there are times where I'm like, you know what, 0:03:09.440 --> 0:03:11.240 I just want to deal with this on my own 0:03:11.480 --> 0:03:13.760 and not feel the pressure of like what I have 0:03:13.840 --> 0:03:15.960 to write or what picture I'm going to choose, or 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:18.760 trying to please everyone else. Like I really go based 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:21.679 off of my feelings and what feels right to me. 0:03:22.120 --> 0:03:24.080 I love to be true to myself in that way 0:03:24.960 --> 0:03:31.040 and removing the exterior comments and judgment that sometimes we feel. 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:33.040 And that's what I want to do with my siblings, 0:03:33.080 --> 0:03:35.840 because when we were closer to my extended family before 0:03:35.920 --> 0:03:37.720 it was a thing, it was like, Okay, that's we're 0:03:37.760 --> 0:03:41.480 gonna do something super big and special, and it was 0:03:41.560 --> 0:03:44.320 just it became like a lot. It became like something 0:03:44.360 --> 0:03:47.680 that we had to do publicly for other people versus 0:03:47.760 --> 0:03:50.320 just something that we don't even know how we're going 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:53.800 to feel that day, you know, and especially in the 0:03:53.840 --> 0:03:58.160 beginning years twenty thirteen, twenty fourteen, twenty fifteen, like I 0:03:58.320 --> 0:04:01.400 felt personally, and I speak for myself. My siblings have 0:04:01.520 --> 0:04:03.240 mentioned certain things, but I don't want to speak for them, 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:05.280 but I'm going to tell you how I felt. I 0:04:05.400 --> 0:04:08.200 felt like I couldn't be happy on December night, Like 0:04:08.200 --> 0:04:11.480 I could not smile, Like I had to be on 0:04:11.520 --> 0:04:15.240 social media and be sad. I had to just be sad, 0:04:15.360 --> 0:04:18.400 even if I wasn't necessarily feeling sad. I mean, obviously 0:04:18.440 --> 0:04:20.360 I woke up and I'm like, damn, today was the 0:04:20.440 --> 0:04:22.599 day A year ago, two years ago, three years ago 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:24.719 that my mom passed, and of course it would hurt, 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:27.360 but it was like someone says something funny and I 0:04:27.360 --> 0:04:28.600 would laugh, and then I'm like, oh my god, I 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:30.800 shouldn't be laughing. I shouldn't be listening to music. I 0:04:30.839 --> 0:04:33.800 should be crying. Why why am I not crying? I 0:04:33.800 --> 0:04:35.840 would ask myself that, and then I'm like, you know what, 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:38.640 why do I feel this way? And I started realizing 0:04:38.920 --> 0:04:42.120 that it was because of other people's pressure that I 0:04:42.200 --> 0:04:45.920 was allowing to affect me. Until I said, if this 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:48.280 this is my mom, and if I feel like posting 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:52.760 her on August second, let's say, then that's okay. If 0:04:52.800 --> 0:04:58.679 I feel like dedicating her another song, why not because 0:04:58.720 --> 0:04:59.920 just the other day. And the reason I'm saying that 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:02.760 this is because I was at some award shows the 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:05.719 Latin billboards where I sing and had a Noma nah 0:05:05.800 --> 0:05:08.960 for for my mom, and you know, it was Kali 0:05:09.880 --> 0:05:13.159 and Los Rastianez and I saw in a comment somewhere. 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:16.960 There were all beautiful comments, thank goodness, but there was 0:05:17.000 --> 0:05:19.800 that one comment that I came across that usually I ignore, 0:05:20.279 --> 0:05:22.200 but they were like, oh, is she just like always 0:05:22.240 --> 0:05:23.919 going to do this for her mom? Like she just 0:05:23.960 --> 0:05:27.920 always my mom. She's always doing tributes for her mom. 0:05:28.360 --> 0:05:31.360 I was like, I almost responded, and I was like, bitch, 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:37.560 what that is so ridiculous for someone to even say, 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:41.200 Like even if my mom wasn't a famous person and 0:05:41.279 --> 0:05:44.839 I was still a singer and my mom wasn't I 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:47.760 have the right to sing my mom a song every 0:05:47.880 --> 0:05:50.000 single day of my life if I wanted to. If 0:05:50.000 --> 0:05:53.120 I want to have a tribute an altar, and I 0:05:53.160 --> 0:05:54.719 don't I want to post I want to talk about 0:05:54.760 --> 0:05:58.000 my mom. That is my business and it is my right, 0:05:58.040 --> 0:05:59.840 and that is my mom and I can do as 0:05:59.880 --> 0:06:02.799 I please. I was just more dumbfounded by this person, 0:06:02.920 --> 0:06:05.880 like how what that is such a ridiculous thing to 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:09.479 say that. I'm like, why wouldn't I? Why would I not? 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:13.239 Especially because my mom is a famous person, I could 0:06:13.279 --> 0:06:16.320 and I should, and it's my right, it's my you 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:17.960 know what I mean. Like it just really bothered me. 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:20.840 So anyways, that's why I was talking about that, and 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:26.640 this year I wanted to post something happier, just because 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:30.640 so much has happened. I'm so grateful for what's happened 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:33.200 in my life and that I'm in a good place 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:35.920 right now. To be honest, and yes, I miss my mother. 0:06:36.040 --> 0:06:38.200 Of course I miss my mother, But it went from 0:06:38.279 --> 0:06:42.640 grieving her death to celebrating her freedom. And I know 0:06:42.680 --> 0:06:46.240 that sounds weird, but it's she graduated to a much better, 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:52.080 a peaceful life, eternal life. She's not here having to 0:06:52.160 --> 0:06:55.559 deal with certain things. And I'm happy for her because 0:06:55.600 --> 0:06:59.599 she would be so disappointed, you guys, to see certain 0:06:59.640 --> 0:07:04.440 people that she loved and that I'm sure love her, 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:08.359 but something changed throughout the years. I don't know, to 0:07:08.440 --> 0:07:10.640 see some of the shit that they're doing and saying 0:07:11.200 --> 0:07:13.440 is so disappointing. Like I always say, I'm like, damn, 0:07:13.480 --> 0:07:15.640 if my mom was here, oh my goodness, she would 0:07:15.640 --> 0:07:19.680 put these mobuckles in their place, you know. So it's like, 0:07:19.760 --> 0:07:21.560 I'm happy for her. She's not dealing with all this. 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:24.400 She's in peace, she's resting. So I went from oh 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:27.160 my god, I miss my mom and yes, cause I do. 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:29.120 I miss her. There are times where I randomly am 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:31.080 driving and I'm just like, oh my gosh, I cannot 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:33.960 believe I don't have my mom here. Like it's a trip. 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:35.800 I can't even explain it, but it just comes to 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:38.400 me out of nowhere, and it's happened to me a 0:07:38.440 --> 0:07:40.280 handful of times where I'm like, oh my god, I 0:07:40.280 --> 0:07:42.240 get like a little anxiety attack and I'm like, oh shit, 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:44.280 like my mom's not here, Like this really happened, like 0:07:44.400 --> 0:07:46.280 she passed away in an aeroplane. Like when you really 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:49.000 think about it and you say it out loud and 0:07:49.200 --> 0:07:53.920 how things ended, it's like, what the hell, Thank you God, 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:56.239 by your grace and your favor. I am still standing 0:07:56.280 --> 0:07:58.880 on my two feet and doing my damn thing. And 0:07:58.920 --> 0:08:01.080 I'm proud of myself for that. And I owe it 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:03.480 to my mom because I know because she taught me, 0:08:03.520 --> 0:08:06.640 first of all, while she was here physically, to work, 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:10.840 to be strong, to be resilient, to have courage, to 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:14.040 be honest, to be unapologetically yourself. She taught me so 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:16.680 many things, things that she would talk to me about, 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:19.200 but also her actions that I'm like, I owe it 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:20.840 to her. I owe it to God that I'm still here. 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:22.840 And I know that now that she's not here physically, 0:08:22.880 --> 0:08:24.720 that's what she taught me physically when she was here, 0:08:25.000 --> 0:08:28.520 you know, in her body now, her spirit in heaven, 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:31.480 I feel is helping me so much and is blessing 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:33.600 my life and my career in so many different ways. 0:08:33.640 --> 0:08:35.720 Like I know it's her and God, Like I know 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:38.400 she's not only helping me, but my siblings. I see it. 0:08:38.920 --> 0:08:41.720 She's given us all the strength. Like my mom really 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:44.439 raised some badass children. And I say that with a 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:46.720 lot of pride because I feel like, Okay, I also helped, 0:08:47.000 --> 0:08:49.880 But to see my siblings stand in their own and 0:08:49.920 --> 0:08:52.480 do their thing, each and every single one of them, 0:08:52.480 --> 0:08:55.760 I'm just so proud because life dealt us a pretty 0:08:55.800 --> 0:08:59.760 heavy hand, and we do our best to honor her 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:02.959 and every way that we possibly can. And I'm glad 0:09:03.000 --> 0:09:05.680 that we all got to a point where we're really 0:09:05.840 --> 0:09:08.920 honoring ourselves as well and our feelings and not feeling 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:12.440 the pressures of the world or media or even my 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:14.960 mom's fans to say, oh, well, why aren't you doing 0:09:15.040 --> 0:09:16.480 this and why don't you do that. It's like, wait, 0:09:16.720 --> 0:09:22.800 Like we have the right to grieve or to celebrate 0:09:23.240 --> 0:09:32.280 my mom in any way that we want. Last year, 0:09:32.800 --> 0:09:36.200 in twenty twenty two, on December ninth, I usually have 0:09:36.280 --> 0:09:40.240 like a team Thrive party or a Christmas party celebration 0:09:40.360 --> 0:09:42.200 for my team, and last year I did it on 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:44.640 December ninth. I said, you know what, I want to 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:46.559 have my team. I want to have everyone that's been 0:09:46.800 --> 0:09:49.880 a part of my career this year and I'm grateful 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:52.800 for and I'm grateful with and I'm very you know, appreciative, 0:09:53.360 --> 0:09:56.199 and my siblings all in one place and we're going 0:09:56.320 --> 0:10:00.640 to have a party and we're going to see what happens. 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:03.120 You guys have no idea. The amount of people that 0:10:03.160 --> 0:10:05.440 were like, I cannot believe Chiki's that you're having a 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:09.400 party on your mom's tenth year anniversary. And I was like, what, 0:10:09.840 --> 0:10:13.120 like a lot of comments and thank goodness, I don't 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:14.760 know what's happened in the past few years where I'm 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:19.040 just like me, I don't care what people have to 0:10:19.040 --> 0:10:22.199 say anymore, Like I really truly mean it. Sometimes I'm 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:24.720 just like what you know it? It kind of like 0:10:25.000 --> 0:10:27.320 trips me out. But that time I was like, why not. 0:10:27.520 --> 0:10:30.520 Why can't I celebrate my mom and have a big 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:34.280 ass party and celebrate her life, everything that she taught us, 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.079 the platform that she left for me, for my siblings, 0:10:37.080 --> 0:10:39.520 for other women in the genre, for other just artists 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:41.360 in the in the genre, even if they're men, Like 0:10:41.400 --> 0:10:43.720 my mom did so much and left her mark on 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:47.280 earth that I can't cry every single year. I shouldn't. 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:51.040 That's like dishonoring her. The way to honor her legacy 0:10:51.320 --> 0:10:54.480 is to celebrate the woman that she is, that she 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:57.040 was and that she will forever be. And if I 0:10:57.080 --> 0:10:59.240 want to have abanda to celebrate her and take some 0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:02.280 shots with my civil to do that, and if I cry, 0:11:02.320 --> 0:11:04.120 then I cry. And if I'm happy, I'm happy and 0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:07.960 I'm smiling, and that's okay. Before it was okay, everyone 0:11:08.000 --> 0:11:10.760 has to wear black at a funeral. That's the way 0:11:10.840 --> 0:11:12.600 you grieve, and that's the way you show that you're sad. 0:11:13.080 --> 0:11:15.640 Now I've seen more and more people wear white. And 0:11:15.640 --> 0:11:17.920 that's what we did our entire family for my mom, 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:19.600 because we're like, you know what, we believe in God, 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:21.120 and we believe that she's going to heaven and we 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:24.959 believe that she's going to a much better place. So 0:11:25.000 --> 0:11:28.720 we're going to wear white. And some people criticize then 0:11:28.920 --> 0:11:30.760 criticize that, and was like, oh my god, I can't 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:32.520 believe they're wearing white. Are they happy that she's gone? 0:11:32.559 --> 0:11:34.040 It's like, no, it has nothing to do with that. 0:11:34.120 --> 0:11:38.880 It's just honoring the person's legacy. So I just wanted 0:11:38.920 --> 0:11:41.640 to see if any of you guys, if I feel 0:11:41.679 --> 0:11:43.840 this way, if you guys have felt that way, because 0:11:44.480 --> 0:11:48.520 in the Latin culture that you have to respect the 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:51.920 first month or months and don't listen to music. And 0:11:52.160 --> 0:11:54.640 I get that because honestly, it all goes on how 0:11:54.679 --> 0:11:56.840 you're feeling, you know what I mean. Like my thing is, 0:11:57.200 --> 0:12:01.080 however you want to grieve, however you want to celebrate 0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:03.920 the person's life, even if they're no longer here. No 0:12:03.960 --> 0:12:06.320 one should judge you for that. Go based off what 0:12:06.480 --> 0:12:08.400 you feel in the moment, you know what I mean. 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:12.840 But I know traditionally it's you know, no, don't go dancing, 0:12:13.040 --> 0:12:16.199 no skuches musika, don't listen to music, don't wear certain 0:12:16.240 --> 0:12:19.600 colors like don't show your happiness in any way. And 0:12:19.640 --> 0:12:22.480 I don't know if I necessarily agree with that. When 0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:24.520 my mom passed, it was such a big passing that 0:12:24.559 --> 0:12:28.360 I obviously was. It was really really hard, so there 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:32.320 were certain things that didn't feel right, just I didn't 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:35.760 feel like it was natural or whatever. But now as 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:38.120 the years have gone by, I see it differently. I 0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:41.679 see it like I'm explaining to you guys, she has graduated, 0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:44.440 and not just say it, but really really mean it 0:12:44.480 --> 0:12:48.480 and really feel it and visualize her in a happy place, 0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:51.640 and that makes me happy. That gives me peace to 0:12:51.760 --> 0:12:55.200 know that, Okay, wherever she is, she's in peace, and 0:12:55.240 --> 0:12:58.280 I know she's okay with me smiling and being happy 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:02.640 and being grateful, you know, for everything that has happened. 0:13:02.640 --> 0:13:06.080 There's nothing wrong with that. And I've I've sat after 0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:09.520 I've read certain comments, especially the ones having to do 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:13.079 with with my mom and her passing and stuff, and 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:15.800 I wonder, I'm like, I wonder if they've ever lost anyone, 0:13:16.520 --> 0:13:19.920 I mean, or why do they feel they have the 0:13:20.040 --> 0:13:23.480 right to judge me. I think, you know what, maybe 0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:25.360 they haven't lost anyone, and that's good. I hope, I 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:27.400 hope they don't. I hope they don't ever feel that pain. 0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:32.600 And now that it's been eleven years, you know, I'm 0:13:32.600 --> 0:13:35.120 telling you, it's it's it's different every single day, it's 0:13:35.120 --> 0:13:38.920 different every single year. But I just I don't appreciate 0:13:38.920 --> 0:13:42.120 those type of comments because unless you've been through something 0:13:42.200 --> 0:13:45.959 like this, losing someone, then I feel like you have 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:48.680 no right to judge, you know what I mean. Everyone's 0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:51.120 entitled to an opinion, but with something like this, it's 0:13:51.160 --> 0:13:53.280 just like dude, like, just be quiet, you know what 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:55.000 I mean, Like, don't if you have nothing nice to say, 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:57.480 don't say it at all. Like I just don't understand 0:13:57.480 --> 0:13:59.600 people that sit there and write negative things, Like I 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:02.160 just don't get it. Honestly, I would never go on 0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:05.400 someone's page and write something negative unless it's something that 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:07.480 I don't agree with, you know what I mean, that's 0:14:07.520 --> 0:14:10.160 something I don't know, something crazy, Like for instance, when 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:13.760 I saw someone post a video of Nipsey Hustle like 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:17.080 being shot and killed and he was lying on the floor, like, 0:14:17.120 --> 0:14:19.880 I'm like, why would you post this video? I did 0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:21.880 say that. I commented, I'm like, why would you post this? 0:14:21.920 --> 0:14:24.480 Like he has children, he has a wife, he had 0:14:24.560 --> 0:14:27.040 Like this is not okay, this is not okay. I 0:14:27.080 --> 0:14:29.600 don't know. I would never want someone posting like something 0:14:29.640 --> 0:14:32.560 like that about my mom or stuff that happened the 0:14:32.640 --> 0:14:35.480 day or just because people did post that and I 0:14:35.520 --> 0:14:37.600 was horrible to see and I just I remember how 0:14:37.640 --> 0:14:39.120 I felt so when they did that and I saw 0:14:39.200 --> 0:14:42.160 Nipsey Hustle, you know, like, I was like, this is 0:14:42.200 --> 0:14:45.480 not cool. So I followed that person and it wasn't 0:14:45.560 --> 0:14:47.560 necessarily a negative comment. It was just like, dude, this 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:57.600 isn't good. Like I'm unfollowing you, this isn't cool. So 0:14:57.680 --> 0:14:59.880 now that the years have gone by and I've matured, 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:04.320 now I do as I please, and not in a 0:15:04.560 --> 0:15:08.240 messed up way or in a disrespectful way, not at all. 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:13.440 But now I'm like, I choose to see and to 0:15:13.560 --> 0:15:17.640 celebrate my mom for everything that she was and that 0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:19.520 she still is in my life and all the lessons 0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:22.200 that she taught me and the beautiful memories that we 0:15:22.280 --> 0:15:25.040 had together. There are so many, you guys, there's so many. 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:28.960 For instance, I miss so much. And this is when 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:31.000 I was a lot younger. I was like ten, twelve, 0:15:31.560 --> 0:15:34.520 even fourteen. My mom had this thing that she would 0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:38.920 drive my sister and I and her sister and I 0:15:38.960 --> 0:15:43.000 would work at this Marisco place selling CDs, and after 0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:45.200 she would pick us up or whatnot. If we sold 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:47.080 a lot, like, we would celebrate the whole thing, and 0:15:47.080 --> 0:15:49.280 she would like, okay, you guys, here's the red light. 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:50.840 We'd be in the car right She's like, there's a 0:15:50.880 --> 0:15:53.640 red light, and she's like, get off and dance. So 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:55.480 we would as soon as we hit the red light, 0:15:55.560 --> 0:15:57.160 no matter if there were a bunch of cars or 0:15:57.200 --> 0:15:58.880 no cars, Like she would make us go out and 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:01.440 dance and jump in the car right before or right 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:04.200 when the light turned green, and like stuff like that 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:06.440 that I feel like, I wish people would just see 0:16:06.480 --> 0:16:09.040 the human side of her and how many beautiful things 0:16:09.080 --> 0:16:11.160 and funny things and crazy shit that she would make 0:16:11.240 --> 0:16:13.640 us do. I mean even like we would go like 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:16.640 people's houses, you guys, Like, obviously that's super frowned upon today, 0:16:16.640 --> 0:16:18.640 but like there was someone that would be messing with her, 0:16:18.920 --> 0:16:22.440 or you know, something something going on, whatever it may be, 0:16:22.720 --> 0:16:24.800 and she would say, okay, grab a carton eggs. She 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:26.720 would take us to the liquor store, get a curtain 0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:30.600 of eggs, and go just bomb these people's houses and cars, 0:16:30.600 --> 0:16:33.560 you guys. I think about it, I'm like, oh my god, 0:16:33.600 --> 0:16:35.320 my mom would not get away with half of the 0:16:35.320 --> 0:16:37.600 stuff that she would say and she would do, or 0:16:37.640 --> 0:16:39.240 we would do because she would make us do it, 0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:40.960 or like hey, you know, like come on, let's just 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:42.360 do this, and we just wanted to make her happy 0:16:42.360 --> 0:16:44.560 and it was fun. I'm not gonna lie, but it 0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:47.560 wouldn't fly nowadays, it just wouldn't fly. But we had 0:16:47.600 --> 0:16:49.880 so many beautiful memories and I choose to say, you 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:52.520 know what, instead of being sad, instead of thinking of 0:16:52.800 --> 0:16:56.040 the things that happen and where maybe she fell short, 0:16:56.080 --> 0:16:58.560 you know, because she wasn't a perfect mother, And that's okay, 0:16:58.720 --> 0:17:01.920 Like I'm okay with like I have forgiven her for 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:04.880 certain things my siblings and I, but more than anything, 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:08.719 she was a mother that did her best that even 0:17:09.080 --> 0:17:12.680 though she was a single mother, and sometimes I didn't 0:17:12.680 --> 0:17:14.760 even know that she couldn't make ends meet, but we 0:17:14.800 --> 0:17:17.000 didn't know that there was always food on our table, 0:17:17.600 --> 0:17:19.639 you know, like we made it happen. She made it 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:21.880 happen in any way that she possibly could. And I'm 0:17:21.920 --> 0:17:23.919 so grateful, and now that's what it is. I'm just 0:17:23.960 --> 0:17:28.119 grateful and with her with everything she taught me, whether 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:31.160 it was a hard lesson or not, for my siblings, 0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:35.560 for just so much, you guys, and like I said, 0:17:35.680 --> 0:17:37.439 so much, so many doors that she has helped me 0:17:37.480 --> 0:17:41.000 open from heaven. And I know it's her and I 0:17:41.040 --> 0:17:43.520 know it sounds crazy, but she speaks to me, you guys, 0:17:43.680 --> 0:17:46.399 through music, and it's happened to me a handful of 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:49.119 times where I'm sad and I'm thinking about her, and 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:52.320 I swear to you my car, or like I'm listening 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:55.840 to Pandora or some type of music app and a 0:17:56.000 --> 0:17:58.520 song comes on and I swear to you, it's like, 0:17:59.000 --> 0:18:01.399 I feel like that's how she next with me. It's 0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:03.520 it's crazy. It's just I know she's here, and I 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:05.199 know she has shown me in so many ways that 0:18:05.280 --> 0:18:07.760 she is here with me, and not to be sad. 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:10.040 If I feel like crying, it's okay to cry, let 0:18:10.080 --> 0:18:12.399 it out, cleanse your soul. Crying is good to cleanse 0:18:12.440 --> 0:18:15.280 your soul. You guys, but they don't want us. Our 0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:17.520 loved ones that have passed, don't want us to sit 0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:20.200 here and keep crying for them and missing them. They 0:18:20.240 --> 0:18:22.879 want us to move on and to be happy and 0:18:22.920 --> 0:18:25.200 to live our life and to honor them in that way. 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:29.239 And even my mom's song Kuna Mom, she states it 0:18:29.240 --> 0:18:32.680 that she wants her kids to sit there with their 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:35.159 head held high and show the world the kids that 0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:37.720 she raised. And that's what we're doing. And if some 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:39.960 people don't agree with that, that's okay. And if some 0:18:39.960 --> 0:18:42.159 people don't agree with the way you want to grieve 0:18:42.560 --> 0:18:45.720 for your loved one that passed, who cares what people say? 0:18:46.080 --> 0:18:50.720 Get you grieve the way that you feel is best 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:53.800 in however it is that you want to grieve the person. 0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:56.679 But also I will tell you because you know, there 0:18:56.680 --> 0:19:00.440 are seven stages you guys, in the grieving process. Don't 0:19:00.440 --> 0:19:04.440 get stuck in one for too long. I understand being sad. 0:19:04.520 --> 0:19:07.080 I get all of that, you guys, And this is 0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:11.240 for someone that has lost someone recently. Allow yourself to 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:15.520 go through these stages, okay, which are shock and denial, 0:19:15.960 --> 0:19:21.199 pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression and acceptance. And 0:19:21.240 --> 0:19:24.400 believe me, it was tough because my mom and I, 0:19:24.600 --> 0:19:26.320 as you guys some of you may know, we weren't 0:19:26.359 --> 0:19:29.239 on the best terms when she passed. So I was 0:19:29.359 --> 0:19:32.440 very angry for a while. But that did me no good. 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:37.960 It was a disservice actually, So through therapy, through reading books, 0:19:38.320 --> 0:19:41.840 through church, through my faith, through my siblings, because they 0:19:41.880 --> 0:19:45.640 helped me out a lot, and understanding that God has 0:19:45.680 --> 0:19:49.720 a plan and really trusting that it helped me remove 0:19:49.800 --> 0:19:54.800 the anger, accept the pain, endure the pain, embrace the pain, 0:19:55.240 --> 0:19:57.560 and also let it go. You have to know when 0:19:57.600 --> 0:19:59.840 to let it go and just say, if I keep 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:02.560 holding onto this, I'm not letting this person rest. I'm 0:20:02.560 --> 0:20:05.399 not letting myself rest. I'm not allowing myself to grow 0:20:05.680 --> 0:20:10.119 because resentment, pain, guilt, holding onto all that stuff, you guys, 0:20:10.160 --> 0:20:13.520 does you no good. If anything, it keeps you from 0:20:13.560 --> 0:20:16.840