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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't welcome to Stephan,

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Speaker 1: I never told of your protection of I heart radio.

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Speaker 1: And welcome to another happy hour. As always, drink responsibly

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Speaker 1: if you choose to do so. UM. Also a content

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Speaker 1: warning for this one. We're gonna be talking about maybe

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Speaker 1: triggering food issues or eating disorders. Um, just anything kind

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Speaker 1: of sensitive around food and wait, so if that's something

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Speaker 1: you don't want to hear right now, the then totally

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Speaker 1: totally understands. I don't think we're gonna get too serious

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Speaker 1: about anything, but just a heads up. What are you

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Speaker 1: sipping on? Samantha? So, I really like Montgarita's and one

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Speaker 1: of the hot sauce companies that I like created one

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Speaker 1: called Pineapple Helps, which is my favorite it. So I

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Speaker 1: got that mix, Addison tequila, Addis bubble water and more helpenials.

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Speaker 1: Because yes, and I am drinking a pineapple hal Apenia garita.

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Speaker 1: That sounds so good. It's nice. What about you? I'm

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Speaker 1: still working through my galactic gin drink because I made

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Speaker 1: a batch. I know this can get confusing listeners, but

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Speaker 1: we do it like big chunks of recording at once. UM.

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Speaker 1: So I made a batch and I never finished it

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Speaker 1: the last time we were recording a Happy Hour. So

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Speaker 1: it's just my butterfly pea flower edible glitter infused gin

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Speaker 1: uh with some lime juice and a lot of bubble

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Speaker 1: water and it's very refreshing and very pretty, very very pretty.

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Speaker 1: And actually we did an episode on Saber on Butterfly

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Speaker 1: pea flour and recently on our Instagram we posted about

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Speaker 1: a picture of the jin It's really pretty if I

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Speaker 1: do sayself, So yeah, if you want to go check

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Speaker 1: that out. Uh. So, I don't think this one's gonna

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Speaker 1: be very long. But recently I was eating a meal

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Speaker 1: and it was very good. It was like really good,

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Speaker 1: and I caught myself thinking, like, you're allowed to have

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Speaker 1: one more bite, and I just stopped in that moment

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Speaker 1: and thought, like, that's it's not a healthy way to

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Speaker 1: really think about this, because it was definitely like a

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Speaker 1: very withholding thought of like you can have one more,

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Speaker 1: but that's it, And I know you can you can

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Speaker 1: have conversations about you know, you don't want to eat

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Speaker 1: too much and make yourself feel terrible, but it wasn't

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Speaker 1: that at all. It was like I'm going to feel

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Speaker 1: guilty if I go over this line you were allowed

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Speaker 1: to have one more bite, And I just started thinking

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Speaker 1: about all of this language we have like that around food. Um,

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Speaker 1: whether it's like you know, you're guilty pleasures or indulging

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Speaker 1: and all the stuff, and how it is for me,

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Speaker 1: it's a very guilt based thing, eating or not eating.

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Speaker 1: It can be it can go both ways. But it

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Speaker 1: was just like clears a bell in my head thinking allowed,

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Speaker 1: like I'm not allowed to eat and to feel joy

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Speaker 1: and to feel satisfied. Um. And I do that a lot.

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Speaker 1: I do that, like kind of controlling you can't go

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Speaker 1: past this mark of the dish, or you can only

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Speaker 1: eat half of this or whatever, and it's just not

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Speaker 1: healthy and I wish I think it kind of surprised

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Speaker 1: me because it's not like this is new information to me,

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Speaker 1: But it surprised me how like it was such a

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Speaker 1: natural thought. Does that make sense? Yeah, there's so many

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Speaker 1: intrusive thoughts, and when you originally think it, you're trying

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Speaker 1: to backtrack. I mean it comes down for a lot

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Speaker 1: of people. For you, specifically to there's a self deprecating

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Speaker 1: level of like things that you're trying to control about

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Speaker 1: yourself and are things that you hate about yourself. So

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Speaker 1: you have these ideas on how to prevent this um

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Speaker 1: but for me, it's like very misogynistic and ask things

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Speaker 1: that I might say about other people like wow, that

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Speaker 1: was really sexist. I have to stop use things like

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Speaker 1: like still controlling in my mind that I'm like, I

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Speaker 1: have to be less judgmental. I also have the like

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Speaker 1: I don't look good in this. I would never wear that.

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Speaker 1: I could never wear this. That's that was something I

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Speaker 1: was recently thinking about when it came to address a

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Speaker 1: gorgeous dress and I was like, yeah, I could not

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Speaker 1: want to get away with that, And that's the first

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Speaker 1: thing I thought. Of course, there's a difference between being

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Speaker 1: comfortable versus you know, what you think you can can't do,

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Speaker 1: but what has allowed for you like you're talking about.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, definitely so common. But it's so hard to

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Speaker 1: undo even though we know we know this is not

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Speaker 1: how we have to be or this is not how

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Speaker 1: we have to accept things. But yet yet the years

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Speaker 1: of training yourself, it's really hard to undo that. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it is, And it just felt so natural in that

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Speaker 1: moment to think that. And I also I was at

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Speaker 1: a Dungeons and Dragon session lately and it went swimmingly

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Speaker 1: and it was great, but I had a moment where

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Speaker 1: I was just really uncomfortable with my body, Like I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh, gosh, because I'm the dungeon mass when

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Speaker 1: they're all looking at me, and I no joke tied

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Speaker 1: my jacket around my waist for like only because I

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Speaker 1: felt insecure, And then later I was like, oh, they

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Speaker 1: probably thought I was in my period all by period,

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Speaker 1: and then I was embarrassed about that and I was like,

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Speaker 1: this is so much shame for just having a human body,

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Speaker 1: like wow, yeah, yeah, and I I don't know. I mean,

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Speaker 1: we've had these conversations before, and I hate it because

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Speaker 1: I do it and then my friends do it and

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Speaker 1: I can't. I feel like I can't tell them off.

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Speaker 1: But they're also impacting me, and I know I'm impacting them,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like it's I'm not saying anything,

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Speaker 1: so it's almost like I'm co signing on, like oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's an okay way to think. But then the fact

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Speaker 1: that they're saying that is also impacting me because it

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Speaker 1: tells me that they think that way, and they then

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Speaker 1: I'm included in this way of thinking. So it's so weird.

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Speaker 1: It feels like You're right, it's a lot to undo.

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Speaker 1: It's just so embedded in our society and in the

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Speaker 1: way we think, and like every commercial you could ever see,

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Speaker 1: it's just it feels like it's it's a method of

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Speaker 1: control for me, but it's also out of my control.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if that makes any sense, But because

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Speaker 1: it's been so ingrained and I see it everywhere, I

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Speaker 1: feel like I can't control it. But it is also,

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Speaker 1: weirdly one of the few things I feel like I

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Speaker 1: have control over. I don't know, no, I mean, that's

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Speaker 1: exactly what that is. A lot of times it is

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Speaker 1: a lack of control that pushes us into those habits,

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Speaker 1: and then when we're trying to undo it, we can't

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Speaker 1: let it go, so it's back and forth that It's

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Speaker 1: really hard to do, which is why we talked about

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Speaker 1: therapy so much, because you need a guideline sometimes and

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Speaker 1: a guidance to do that. Because we have learned so

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Speaker 1: much self harming behavior growing up, especially as young girls,

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Speaker 1: growing up young girls uh with trauma, there's only so

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Speaker 1: much you can do in order to give some kind

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Speaker 1: of control over yourself and your autonomy. It's and these

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Speaker 1: are the ways to do it, as well as knowing

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Speaker 1: that this control could lead to acceptance because this is

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Speaker 1: what the society wants you to be, so therefore you're

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Speaker 1: controlling yourself to become that as a narrative. But then

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Speaker 1: it's a bigger party. But yeah, that's the whole meta

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Speaker 1: level of life. But who's really controlling you? Then? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so much to think about. And it's just I don't

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Speaker 1: I said it before to pass that every thing, but

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Speaker 1: it's like I just want to eat this food that

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Speaker 1: it becomes this like push and pull of it's not

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Speaker 1: even about just so bad at listening to my body.

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Speaker 1: Everything is about something else when it comes to my body,

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Speaker 1: it's about what other people want or what society has

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Speaker 1: told me I want. And because of the pandemic and

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Speaker 1: I'm not exercising as much, it's become like a source

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Speaker 1: of panic. Like I can feel a panic when I'm

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Speaker 1: eating and I would have that before but not like this.

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Speaker 1: And so I'm really working on it, and I feel

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Speaker 1: like what I eat with people, then there's a social aspect.

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Speaker 1: It's not as bad because then like they're eating with me,

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Speaker 1: which is all it's not healthy, but they're eating with

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Speaker 1: me um, and the panic will come later or it

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Speaker 1: won't come at all if enough time passes. But if

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Speaker 1: it's just me, which it is a lot, because I

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Speaker 1: am still Samanth and I are still pretty playing it

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Speaker 1: say that the quarantine, it's it becomes like a race

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Speaker 1: against panic. And these messages that I've observed that feel

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Speaker 1: so natural when I think them, and then I think

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Speaker 1: about it for two other seconds, I'm like, that is

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Speaker 1: such harmful thinking. I mean again, it's kind of that

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Speaker 1: whole like level of this was one of the big

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Speaker 1: things I dealt with and being religious, because that whole

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Speaker 1: guilt of you need to be pure in your mind

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Speaker 1: what you think is just as pure as your actions,

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Speaker 1: which is a whole different conversation we can have. That

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Speaker 1: really uh pushed me to a point in a in

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Speaker 1: a way of like, this is how I think of things.

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Speaker 1: So I panic when I have a not nice thought.

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Speaker 1: Not nice you know any of these things that I

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Speaker 1: think it is harmful. That's a thought that you really

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Speaker 1: can't help um. And then the guilt because you've thought

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Speaker 1: it as a higher level of like what the hell

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Speaker 1: is this? So sort of punishing yourself for a thought,

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Speaker 1: But it really was something that was based on religion,

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Speaker 1: and I truly believed to a certain extent. And I

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Speaker 1: think for women who are told to be subservient on

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Speaker 1: top of that, that's an added layer of like being

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Speaker 1: subservient means not being impure, being a pure woman means

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Speaker 1: you can't have these thoughts, and if you do, you're

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Speaker 1: obviously bad. Yeah, are long awaited religious trauma episode. It's coming,

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Speaker 1: but yeah, it's gonna be traumatizing to do it. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean, gosh, And there is a history of especially

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Speaker 1: more modern religion, tying morality for women to wait. So

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Speaker 1: there's also that, right, I mean, for the longest time,

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Speaker 1: and still I think some people who still preach that

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Speaker 1: a woman must be there for their husband, and that

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Speaker 1: means the way they appear and look, and that includes

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Speaker 1: body shaming and in fat shaming. There's a lot of that. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean that's kind of the thing. It goes. It

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Speaker 1: always goes back to like someone else for me, and

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Speaker 1: usually a man. And I don't even want the man.

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Speaker 1: And if I hate it because I guess I want

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Speaker 1: to be desired, we're all getting left point. We don't

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Speaker 1: want the man, we don't want any of you. Stop

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Speaker 1: it oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: lie get that way about like, all right, I've have

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Speaker 1: enough white friends. I'm getting it close to a cap

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Speaker 1: so and I joke about that because I'm like, I'm done.

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Speaker 1: I'm done with this. So I'm today thinking like, if

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Speaker 1: you haven't already made the mark, man, if you haven't

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Speaker 1: already made the mark, it's done. I'm done. You gotta

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Speaker 1: have boundaries somewhere. Yeah, yeah, it's it's I think there's

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Speaker 1: I will be really interested to see as we're oh gosh,

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Speaker 1: I hate to even say it, but as things as

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Speaker 1: I'm I am going out more. I'll say that I'm

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Speaker 1: still staying in mostly, but I am going out more

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Speaker 1: than I was. And it's it's just been very fascinating

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Speaker 1: for me to kind of see these differences and sort

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Speaker 1: of this like duel of the Annie before the pandemic

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Speaker 1: versus the me now and then how these thoughts that

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Speaker 1: I've just been living with for two years are coming

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Speaker 1: into play versus my very very big need to please

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Speaker 1: other people. And so I I don't know, it's been

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Speaker 1: kind of shocking. I guess it shouldn't have been, but

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Speaker 1: I'm sort of surprised at how like we talked about

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Speaker 1: that party. We both got kind of triggered at UM.

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Speaker 1: I recently went to like a dinner with somebody and

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Speaker 1: it I just I got so overwhelmed by all of it.

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Speaker 1: Um And but I just and I hate this because

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Speaker 1: it makes it sound like I think I'm the cinner

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Speaker 1: of the universe or something. But I just felt like

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Speaker 1: everybody was watching me, like my body was so Folks

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Speaker 1: and everybody, we're not saying this in a good way.

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Speaker 1: You're not saying that as in a good way. You're

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Speaker 1: feeling that you're being the center of everything that's not ego,

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Speaker 1: centers of is panic, anxiety and self consciousness. Yes, yeah,

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Speaker 1: but it just feels like I'm like, there's a logical

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Speaker 1: part of me that thinks probably everyone either feels that

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Speaker 1: way or does not care about me one bit, right,

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Speaker 1: but still doesn't take away from the fact that you

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Speaker 1: feel that way. Right, It's true, It's true. But I

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Speaker 1: I hate it um because it takes you out at

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Speaker 1: the moment, and it takes it, like sucks the joy

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Speaker 1: out of everything, including delicious, delicious food that you're feeling

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Speaker 1: so self conscious about eating. I'm a little offended. He

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Speaker 1: went without me. Oh, you know what. We're changing offices soon. Um,

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Speaker 1: and I think we need another oyster get away, Yes,

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Speaker 1: to celebrate our move. Yes, it's been a minute. It

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Speaker 1: has been a minute. I do think we get oysters

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Speaker 1: far more than almost anyone. I think anyone I home.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, it's still not a lot, but it is

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Speaker 1: more than every three months. It's time. Yeah, but there

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Speaker 1: was a there's an oyster place in our the building

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Speaker 1: we're moving out of that we have not been too,

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Speaker 1: so we could celebrate. Yeah. Yeah, And I do love

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Speaker 1: those when I when I am able to like let go,

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Speaker 1: it's beautiful. I love sharing meals with people and talking

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Speaker 1: over food and having those happy memories. It is a joy.

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Speaker 1: It is a joy. I love making those memories with you, Samantha. Yeah, well,

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Speaker 1: clearly a lot of I feel like I've come a

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Speaker 1: long way in the mindfulness front, but clearly still a

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Speaker 1: long way to go. And this is a lot to unlearned.

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Speaker 1: I mean it really is, especially when we still get

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Speaker 1: those messages every day, Like I swear every food commercial

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Speaker 1: I've ever seen has some kind of messaging like this.

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Speaker 1: So continue to work on that. In the meantime, cheers,

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Speaker 1: cheers and yes listeners. Um. If you have any any

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Speaker 1: thoughts about this, some of you have sent some really

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Speaker 1: amazing emails to us before about things like this, please

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Speaker 1: send them to us. You can do that at our

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Speaker 1: email at Stephie your Mom stuff at ihart meia dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can find us on Twitter at mom sub podcasts

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Speaker 1: or Instagram and stuff I've never told you things. As

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Speaker 1: always to our super producer Christina, Thank you. Christina joined

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Speaker 1: us spart oysters, Yes yes, and thanks to you for

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Speaker 1: listening stuff and never told you. Pspection of I Heart

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Speaker 1: Radio for more podcast from my Heart Radio is the

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Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you listen to

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Speaker 1: your favorite shows. No more w