Speaker 1: I say this respectfully. My name is Devout, not devalent. Codeine. Well, there,
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily want to be attached to your name
Speaker 1: neither good times good because I am my own person.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass. Hey, I'm Codeine and we're the Ellises. You
Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead
Speaker 1: As is the term that we say every day. So
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: Were about to take Pillow Talk to a whole new level.
Speaker 1: Dead As starts right now. This is going to be
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say after. This was after football. This was
Speaker 1: after the gym, not even say after Jim. This is
Speaker 1: during the moment of the gym. Right. I was at
Speaker 1: this point in my life. I was about to turn
Speaker 1: thirty and I had to make a decision, right, because
Speaker 1: I really wanted to do TV film, but I had
Speaker 1: spent the last three years trying to build the gym's
Speaker 1: worth so that I could support my family financially while
Speaker 1: chasing my dream. And I got to a point where
Speaker 1: I was like, you know what, I have to learn
Speaker 1: how to duplicate myself and relinquish some of these responsibility
Speaker 1: so I can go for what I really want to.
Speaker 1: So I remember it was January two thousand and fourteen,
Speaker 1: because I was about to turn thirty and I had
Speaker 1: decided that I was going to focus solely on being
Speaker 1: the best version of myself as opposed to being the
Speaker 1: best husband for the family. Right, So I decided that
Speaker 1: I was going to take a pay cut. I decided
Speaker 1: to hire Dollo two take my position in pact Plex.
Speaker 1: I hired my homeboy came All to help him as
Speaker 1: a program director, and I sacrificed approximately five k a
Speaker 1: month to hire them as a program directors on top
Speaker 1: of paying the five thousand a month rent to pack
Speaker 1: Plex to help the business grow. And I did that
Speaker 1: for the first half of the year in order to
Speaker 1: transition into focusing on TV film and what I got
Speaker 1: from that was booking two national commercials. Remember those I
Speaker 1: booked my first co star. I booked my first co star,
Speaker 1: I believe with power and end up becoming or Mari
Speaker 1: Hard with stunt double and ultimately put myself in a
Speaker 1: position to then become the actor you see today because
Speaker 1: I didn't in that moment, say what is best for
Speaker 1: just the family. I had to say what is best
Speaker 1: for Devour in this moment, and what what? And in
Speaker 1: that moment, what would have been easy for me to say, well,
Speaker 1: you know what, let me continue to put all my
Speaker 1: energy into the gym so that I could continue to
Speaker 1: just be what my family needed financially. But I knew
Speaker 1: spiritually that I wasn't in a good place because I
Speaker 1: wasn't searching, I wasn't pursuing my purpose. And once I
Speaker 1: pursued my purpose, I became a better husband, I became
Speaker 1: a better father, and in turn became a better all
Speaker 1: around man for everyone involved because I focused on what
Speaker 1: I needed to do as opposed to putting all of
Speaker 1: the family's needs in the forefront, and and in turn
Speaker 1: helped the family because it allowed me to create make
Speaker 1: more money and the develop another stream of revenue through
Speaker 1: the arts so I love you for that, Yes, And
Speaker 1: I love you for giving me the latitude to focus
Speaker 1: on that and believing me in that process. Because, as
Speaker 1: you guys know, anytime I started a new venture, which
Speaker 1: means I had a new program director at different times,
Speaker 1: whenever there was a transition, who was the buffer for
Speaker 1: the transition? Kay was so absolutely as a story as
Speaker 1: a story as you hear Dakoda in the background as
Speaker 1: a story continues to unfold, any time I had to
Speaker 1: do something for myself, Kay was always the biggest supporter
Speaker 1: me myself and not it so like God. And it's
Speaker 1: what I found out and it ain't know me to cry. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be my own best friend. Yes, Yes, until
Speaker 1: you find the best friend who allows you to be
Speaker 1: the individual that you were destined to be, and y'all
Speaker 1: just happen to grow together as individuals. Fact facts. Well,
Speaker 1: let's let's take a quick break. Let's uh, you know,
Speaker 1: take a quick break or pay some bills when we
Speaker 1: come back, let's dive into this story and let's talk
Speaker 1: a little bit about what that felt like. Because we
Speaker 1: have a lot of listener letters who asked us this
Speaker 1: very question. So let's kind of dive into the story
Speaker 1: when we come back. Okay, So let me explain to
Speaker 1: you why I felt like this story was important. So
Speaker 1: many men and women say to me, I saw how
Speaker 1: you changed your dreams, and you were condeed changed your dreams.
Speaker 1: Um At what point did you decide that you were
Speaker 1: going to go after what you wanted instead of just
Speaker 1: doing what felt right in the moment? And I had
Speaker 1: to sit back and ask myself, like about what was it?
Speaker 1: Because it's scary, right. I remember when I was playing
Speaker 1: in the NFL, I said to tell myself, I said,
Speaker 1: you know, once I make that first quarter million dollars
Speaker 1: and I have some financials to purity, the game will
Speaker 1: become easier because I won't be stressed with living paycheck
Speaker 1: to paycheck and hoping that I don't get cut from
Speaker 1: week to week. And that stress never relieved itself because
Speaker 1: I wasn't pursuing my passions, or even when I made
Speaker 1: beyond a courter million dollars, I never enjoyed the process
Speaker 1: of playing football because football was always a means to
Speaker 1: an end. It was never the end for me. So
Speaker 1: during that time, I realized that I have to pursue
Speaker 1: my passion regardless of how much money I make or
Speaker 1: el so I won't be happy. And Codeine went through
Speaker 1: a similar thing in two thousand and seven. Um I
Speaker 1: was making a ton of money, she didn't have to work,
Speaker 1: and she came to me one day and she had said,
Speaker 1: you know, I think I'm going to go back to
Speaker 1: New York. And I was like, why why would you
Speaker 1: go back to New York? Like we you know, we
Speaker 1: just got here. I know I'm on PU people. We
Speaker 1: spend a lot of time together and making good money.
Speaker 1: And she said to me, she said, I just don't
Speaker 1: want to be a living girlfriend and I want to
Speaker 1: focus on pursuing my dreams and TV. That was definitely it.
Speaker 1: And also too, I had to have justification for telling
Speaker 1: my family that I was coming to live with my
Speaker 1: boyfriend in Michigan. And yeah, that part, but no, a
Speaker 1: lot of it was that too. I say that in jest,
Speaker 1: but I did have to. I was looking to find
Speaker 1: a job. I just didn't want to be at home.
Speaker 1: I was used to having and getting everything taken care of,
Speaker 1: and you being kept did not make you happy. It
Speaker 1: didn't make me happy. It did not make me happy,
Speaker 1: particularly in that moment, because I was coming off of
Speaker 1: being UM in school for years. I finally got my
Speaker 1: master's degree and I was like, all right, this, this
Speaker 1: is it, this is the real world. I was looking
Speaker 1: forward to putting on my big girl panties and just
Speaker 1: being the woman that I felt like I was supposed
Speaker 1: to be. UM. That part of which was a large
Speaker 1: part of it was starting my career UM, and then
Speaker 1: simultaneously trying to do that while supporting you in a
Speaker 1: time when you needed that support the most. UM. But
Speaker 1: I'll never forget also to even dial them back to
Speaker 1: when we first started dating eighteen nineteen and your mom,
Speaker 1: UM and my mom as well too, in different moments
Speaker 1: that encouraged us to be individuals and we didn't understand
Speaker 1: it in that moment because we were just still in love.
Speaker 1: But at the same time too, we saw value in
Speaker 1: it as we got older, because we're like, Wow, how
Speaker 1: are we able to even be what we need for
Speaker 1: each other if we didn't understand who we were, if
Speaker 1: we weren't working towards what was really going to fulfill us, UM,
Speaker 1: to be the partner that we each needed out of
Speaker 1: each other. So UM. So yeah, that moved into Michigan
Speaker 1: and me being at home with you while you were
Speaker 1: out there. I kind of felt like he was like,
Speaker 1: this guy's out here living his dream. Although I know
Speaker 1: the NFL wasn't your dream per se, but in that moment,
Speaker 1: in the present moment, at the time, I know that
Speaker 1: that was your goal. Your goal was to be the
Speaker 1: best detroit lyon you could be UM, And I kind
Speaker 1: of felt like I was at home not helping. To
Speaker 1: add to that, I felt like my value was not
Speaker 1: just gonna be UM, only encompassed by me being at
Speaker 1: home to greet you when you got home from a
Speaker 1: game or practice. I kind of wanted something tangible to
Speaker 1: stand off for myself, to say, Sis, you've been in
Speaker 1: school for the past of years of life. What are
Speaker 1: you doing to make yourself a better person? What are
Speaker 1: you doing to advance your career. Yes, your boyfriend makes
Speaker 1: all this money now, but he's at that time just
Speaker 1: your boyfriend. Let's be real. You weren't my husband, UM.
Speaker 1: I was not entitled to anything that you brought through
Speaker 1: that door. We had no joint accounts, although you did
Speaker 1: take very good care of me. But it was a
Speaker 1: thing where for that security that I wanted for myself,
Speaker 1: especially starting to establish myself as a young woman, I
Speaker 1: felt like I needed that in order to be um
Speaker 1: the person I was supposed to be. But that also
Speaker 1: didn't change when we got married and had joined accounts.
Speaker 1: Like exactly, you just that was my mindset then, but yeah,
Speaker 1: that was your mindset then. But when we got married
Speaker 1: and had joined accounts and I was still taking care
Speaker 1: of you, you didn't feel anymore. You felt more security
Speaker 1: because you knew that we were in this together, but
Speaker 1: you still felt unfulfilled because you weren't chasing your purpose
Speaker 1: the same way I felt unfulfilled because I was making
Speaker 1: good money, owning the gym and training people and doing
Speaker 1: all of those things, and even I felt good providing
Speaker 1: for my family, but I still would wake up some
Speaker 1: mornings and just felt empty. And in that moment, I decided,
Speaker 1: like I have to. I'm I'm turning thirty. There's no
Speaker 1: more putting it off, there's no more next year. I'm
Speaker 1: going to or I'm gonna do it when I reached
Speaker 1: this milestone. What people often do is say like I do.
Speaker 1: I say, well, once I reached this number and you
Speaker 1: get yourself a barometer, then you say, then I'm going
Speaker 1: to right, And then what happens is is that kind
Speaker 1: of gives you a little bit of space to where
Speaker 1: you say, well, I haven't reached the number yet, so
Speaker 1: I don't have to take that leap of faith, right,
Speaker 1: But then you move the post right, But finally you
Speaker 1: reach the number. Now I've reached the number and there's
Speaker 1: no more excuses. And once you've hit the number and
Speaker 1: you moved the goal post, so many times you have
Speaker 1: to face the piper bro like like, I want to
Speaker 1: do something else, so I'm not going to be happy.
Speaker 1: And when I finally focused on being what I wanted
Speaker 1: to be in life is when the world started to
Speaker 1: open up for me and my heart became a lot
Speaker 1: less heavy because I was doing what I wanted to do.
Speaker 1: No I appreciate Sorry, Can I just tell you quick
Speaker 1: what I appreciated about you going back to your story
Speaker 1: time real quick. I don't think we touched on that
Speaker 1: coming out of it. What I appreciated was in the
Speaker 1: moments where you were focusing on yourself and you may
Speaker 1: have felt like I'm not being the best husband right now,
Speaker 1: or I'm not being the best father right now. I
Speaker 1: never felt that, and being with somebody who you can
Speaker 1: at least say, all right, this person is like on
Speaker 1: their own path right now. I know I have to
Speaker 1: kind of take the back seat some days. I just
Speaker 1: never ever felt like a back seat driver at the time.
Speaker 1: I always felt like I was alongside you, And I
Speaker 1: appreciate you for that looking back, because things could have
Speaker 1: really went south with us that we did have rough
Speaker 1: patches during that time, because we were trying to get
Speaker 1: our footing. You know, we were still in Brooklyn, hustling,
Speaker 1: trying to make all the things happen. Um. But it's
Speaker 1: easy to say I'm trying to work on myself and
Speaker 1: then you really just kind of nose dive into yourself
Speaker 1: and forget about what's happening around you. Um. But you
Speaker 1: definitely found a way to just finess that where I
Speaker 1: just never felt like, you know, yes you worked a
Speaker 1: lot of hours, Yes you were gone a lot, but
Speaker 1: I always felt like it was for us. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: I mean everything is for you, But even even the
Speaker 1: story time was me being a better version of myself
Speaker 1: for y'all. So I guess that's probably why you never
Speaker 1: felt that way. Because once you choose to be married,
Speaker 1: like we always talk about, you choose to be of service,
Speaker 1: right so everything I was doing, I was doing with
Speaker 1: the mindset like I have to do this so that
Speaker 1: I can be better for them. And at the time,
Speaker 1: this was before Cairo Kaz in Dakota, it was just
Speaker 1: you and Jackson, and I remember specifically when it clicked
Speaker 1: to me. At the time, I was waking up super
Speaker 1: early and training Daniel Gene had to train, had to
Speaker 1: be at the gym at five o'clock, remember, which means
Speaker 1: I had to be up at four or fifteen just
Speaker 1: to be ready to go to the gym, right and
Speaker 1: then my last client were my prototype Moms at nine o'clock,
Speaker 1: so I didn't get done until ten o'clock at night.
Speaker 1: So it'll be ten o'clock at night. You and I
Speaker 1: would drive back circle for parking, uh, finally get Jackson
Speaker 1: to bed. Didn't really have time for ourselves. I had
Speaker 1: to be up at four o'clock to go train Jane
Speaker 1: Daniel Jean, then come back home take Jackson to school,
Speaker 1: and I just I just felt like I didn't have
Speaker 1: enough time to be president at home. So the push
Speaker 1: for me to do what I needed for myself was
Speaker 1: and we talked about this too. If you had to
Speaker 1: describe wealth in one word, it's time. I needed more time,
Speaker 1: and the only way I could get more time for
Speaker 1: my family was to find a way to turn my
Speaker 1: passion into my paycheck. This way, I could make more
Speaker 1: money doing what I love in less amount of time.
Speaker 1: Like I didn't, I knew I couldn't survive working sixteen
Speaker 1: hours a day, you know, go you know pay, you know,
Speaker 1: taking client after client after client, and doing class after
Speaker 1: class after class. It was extremely luca lucrative for us,
Speaker 1: extremely lucrative. But I couldn't last that way. And you
Speaker 1: and I during that time, remember this was coming out
Speaker 1: of Jackson. We were struggling as a married couple because
Speaker 1: this was the first five years of our marriage. And
Speaker 1: I think this was year four, and you and I
Speaker 1: were like on the brink of not knowing whether or
Speaker 1: not this was going to be a forever thing. You know,
Speaker 1: we always talked about, you know, knowing now that divorces
Speaker 1: off the table. But in that moment year four, I
Speaker 1: was unhappy because I wasn't living in my purpose. Codeine
Speaker 1: wasn't living in her purpose. She was doing makeup, and
Speaker 1: as much as she loved makeup, that's not what she
Speaker 1: really wanted to do. So we were both living and
Speaker 1: existing for the marriage, which sounds crazy, right. If you
Speaker 1: do everything right, if you do everything for the marriage
Speaker 1: or everything that's supposed to make the marriage better, you
Speaker 1: feel like you'll be happy until you're not happy. So
Speaker 1: you're working in an industry where you're not happy because
Speaker 1: you're helping make bring more money into the house. I'm
Speaker 1: working in an industry than I'm not happy because I'm
Speaker 1: bringing more money in the house. We're both making more money,
Speaker 1: we're able to do the things that we want to do,
Speaker 1: and we're both unhappy because we're not living in our purpose.
Speaker 1: And that's where individuality comes in. I'm gonna go to
Speaker 1: this um quote from the psychoanalysts Eric from once wrote
Speaker 1: in love, the paradox occurs that two beings become one
Speaker 1: and yet remained too. When two people fall in love,
Speaker 1: they experienced themselves and each other as separate individuals with
Speaker 1: distinct identities and their own identities, interests, and friends. Their
Speaker 1: individuality makes them interesting to each other. But often making
Speaker 1: a commitment to your spouse often inadvertently comes at the
Speaker 1: at the cost of your commitment to yourself. But how
Speaker 1: do you put yourself first without neglecting your spouse. Man,
Speaker 1: that question right there is Listen, that's so deep. There's
Speaker 1: a there's a balancing act because how many times have you,
Speaker 1: for example, said that you felt like I was only
Speaker 1: thinking about you myself and not you, when in turn,
Speaker 1: I feel like all I do is think about you
Speaker 1: and not myself. And how does that translate for couples.
Speaker 1: I'm sure that's a lot of times. But people have
Speaker 1: the utmost expectation or the intent to make their spouse
Speaker 1: feel like they're number one on the list of things
Speaker 1: to do. But is it always received that way? Probably not?
Speaker 1: Probably not, because I know that's been a lot of
Speaker 1: our issues over the years, feeling as if I am
Speaker 1: number one in your life and not just saying that
Speaker 1: the person is number one in your life. Well, I
Speaker 1: think what the first step is acknowledging that I have
Speaker 1: to continue to be an individual because my wife fell
Speaker 1: in love with me and the individual, right, She didn't
Speaker 1: fall in love with the guy that was trying to
Speaker 1: conform to be what she needed. She fell in love
Speaker 1: with the individual. And it's it's realizing that. Right, there's
Speaker 1: an old myth, right, one of my uncle's. I'm not
Speaker 1: going to say which one was, Just like, if you
Speaker 1: want to keep your wife on her toes, don't come
Speaker 1: home the same time every night, because once you become
Speaker 1: too predictableity, yes, once you become too predictable, then it
Speaker 1: becomes boring, you know. And once it becomes boring, then
Speaker 1: it's just like it's lost his fire. And I never
Speaker 1: understood what he meant in that, But now I really
Speaker 1: understand what he meant. It's like, you live your life
Speaker 1: every single day, but my wife wants this, my wife
Speaker 1: wants this, my wife needs just my wife needs that,
Speaker 1: and we constantly talk about being of service. Right, that
Speaker 1: can become boring because now you become predictable and the
Speaker 1: fact that your wife always knows that you're focused on
Speaker 1: her needs. Right, But DEVO also has to invest in Devo.
Speaker 1: You fell in love with devow, the DEVO that chased
Speaker 1: his dreams, the devou that chased his own ambitions, the
Speaker 1: VOW that had his own free thoughts, not the DEVO
Speaker 1: that just said whatever his wife wanted him to say.
Speaker 1: But how often do we watch couples and now it's
Speaker 1: like they've merged into one being and there's no individual
Speaker 1: thoughts between the two, Like they sit down and you're like,
Speaker 1: they literally repeat each other all the time. Literally and
Speaker 1: also too for us, I think it's difficult because we've
Speaker 1: built a brand around de valin Codeine, so we've even
Speaker 1: had the conversation even with our manager recently, like, hey,
Speaker 1: people have to still understand that Devalin Codinies are the
Speaker 1: elis is with the children and we're married, but we're
Speaker 1: also separate entities. We need to be addressed as such,
Speaker 1: we need to be compensated as such. Um, how many
Speaker 1: times have you achieved something and people are like congratulations
Speaker 1: Codeine and Deval you know, all the time, all the time.
Speaker 1: So but what let me throw a monkey wrench. I
Speaker 1: guess into this scenario, you fall in love with an
Speaker 1: individual the way they are, and you want them to
Speaker 1: be that individual. But what happens when that individual over
Speaker 1: time changes or grows and it's no longer that person
Speaker 1: that you fell in love with. Does that become a
Speaker 1: deal breaker or do you work with the individual that
Speaker 1: person is becoming for the greater good of staying united
Speaker 1: as too? Well, I can't speak for everyone else, but
Speaker 1: you are not anywhere remotely close to the person I
Speaker 1: twenty years ago. You you are not like, yeah, there's
Speaker 1: definitely pros and cons, But I've also fell in love
Speaker 1: with the idea of continuously getting to know who you are.
Speaker 1: Because people of to ask, right, how do y'all keep
Speaker 1: things spicy? Well, I don't know Codeine like I knew
Speaker 1: her at eighteen, So it would be in my best
Speaker 1: interest to continue to date Codeine even in twelve years
Speaker 1: of marriage, twenty years of being in a relationship, so
Speaker 1: I can get to know like, oh she's into this
Speaker 1: now you know old snaps, she's not into that any longer.
Speaker 1: And those things continuously pique my interests. But also it
Speaker 1: allows me to find different ways too. I don't want
Speaker 1: to say impress you, but to keep your attention. That's
Speaker 1: how you keep the fire up. Right, understanding that my
Speaker 1: wife is an individual, and understanding that as an individual,
Speaker 1: I have to continuously fight for her attention. I have
Speaker 1: to continuously you know what I'm saying, And you do
Speaker 1: that in the dating process. And that's what's fun about dating. Right,
Speaker 1: You pick up your phone, you text that person, and
Speaker 1: how long is it gonna take this person? Text back? Absolutely,
Speaker 1: let me see if they're available for dinner tonight. Oh
Speaker 1: they're not. Available tonight. Maybe they're available touesday. Let me
Speaker 1: wait like that whole. The anxiety that comes from seeing
Speaker 1: if this person is going to be deliberate about spending
Speaker 1: time with you during the dating process is what makes
Speaker 1: it fun. The same thing has to happen when you're married. Right,
Speaker 1: If I already know I want to come home, They're
Speaker 1: gonna have dinner at seven, she's gonna put on the
Speaker 1: same shorts. She's gonna fall asleep watching this movie and
Speaker 1: hope for something to happen. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It's not gonna happen. We're going to think about it.
Speaker 1: If that becomes what life is because you two have
Speaker 1: become so predictable to each other and last your individuality,
Speaker 1: it's going to be a rap. Absolutely. How do we
Speaker 1: lose ourselves in relationship? That's substical thing. Let's talk about
Speaker 1: how we lose ourselves in relationships. So in the dating phase,
Speaker 1: we often present the best, right and the most attentive,
Speaker 1: okay version of ourselves in order to win the affection
Speaker 1: of our part So we are performing right, and then
Speaker 1: in turn, our spouse does not recognize the parts of
Speaker 1: us that are not in service to them. Many of
Speaker 1: us learned that being in a relationship with a romantic partner,
Speaker 1: we need to make certain sacrifices and compromises all the time.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we feel the need to hide a part of
Speaker 1: ourselves that may not be acceptable in order to meet
Speaker 1: society's expectations. Here we go worry about whatever it is
Speaker 1: society's expectation of what a successful relationship should be. And
Speaker 1: some people even hide parts of themselves from their spouse
Speaker 1: or not feel able to express their true selves in
Speaker 1: their relationships. So these are a couple of things that
Speaker 1: will help you to lose yourself in relations So people
Speaker 1: perform in order to be in a relationship. For example,
Speaker 1: we talked about this with the high value men high
Speaker 1: value women. Things right, So it's like, Okay, I want
Speaker 1: to keep this person because I like them, so let
Speaker 1: me perform what I think they are seeking in a
Speaker 1: spouse or in a partner as opposed to being who
Speaker 1: I really am. So now you spend all of your
Speaker 1: time performing to being someone else. That what happens when
Speaker 1: you perform, you get you get tired. You're just doing it.
Speaker 1: You're doing it, But before you get tired, you lose yourself.
Speaker 1: Do I really like doing this? Do I like going
Speaker 1: to these places? Do I want to hear this music?
Speaker 1: And after a while you kind of like yo, like
Speaker 1: I never noticed this too was so annoying people. She's
Speaker 1: a people watching she watched people eat like she's just
Speaker 1: a person that sits there and holds her so she
Speaker 1: can hear you too, And then be like, y, why
Speaker 1: you choose so loud that it maybe that we're chooing
Speaker 1: simultaneously and you're just a little louder than me. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, who focus is on that observation? To me?
Speaker 1: The food be so good, I'll be focused on the food.
Speaker 1: Then I look up and can't be looking at me
Speaker 1: while I eat your food? Stop watching me? Oh my god?
Speaker 1: Any Who, back to the topic at hands. Um, we
Speaker 1: just did. We just did how we lose ourselves in relationships.
Speaker 1: So you just heard how we lose ourselves. Okay, then
Speaker 1: there's four reasons we lose ourselves in relationships. Instead of
Speaker 1: looking to oneself, one looks at their partner to figure
Speaker 1: out what they need or want. Right, that's a codependency,
Speaker 1: you know. Um, hey, babe, where you want to go
Speaker 1: to eat? I don't know what do you want to
Speaker 1: go to eat. It's like you just you want to
Speaker 1: fit in so much with your partner that you just
Speaker 1: do everything they want to do that ultimately you become them.
Speaker 1: You know, We've seen this with some of our friends, saying,
Speaker 1: some of our friends, you meet them, they dating the
Speaker 1: Jamaican girl. They love reggae right in Puerto Rican and
Speaker 1: now they love Tito pint this. It's like, dude, when
Speaker 1: did you ever start listening to Tito point days? But
Speaker 1: now now you're a full blown Puerto Rican Like that's
Speaker 1: that happens to people, you know what I'm saying. They
Speaker 1: just want to be what their partner so much they
Speaker 1: just take on all of their lights in their culture. Okay,
Speaker 1: Number two, lacking the confidence to take care of oneself.
Speaker 1: This happens a lot, right You meet someone and you
Speaker 1: thank you fall in love, or you fall in love
Speaker 1: and you get complacent with who you are and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: this person loves me the way I am, and then
Speaker 1: you no longer take care of yourself the way you
Speaker 1: did when you were saying, and then you just let
Speaker 1: yourself very damaging art. It's just even me um after children,
Speaker 1: we talked about this postpartum and stuff like, I just
Speaker 1: want to be back to myself for who I feel
Speaker 1: most comfortable as in the body I feel the most
Speaker 1: comfortable in. And I feel like I owe it to
Speaker 1: my husband for him to get as close to his
Speaker 1: eighteen year old girlfriend back as possible at You know,
Speaker 1: if we don't get this, could being transparent? Right? Be transparent?
Speaker 1: I'm not interested in the eighteen year mm hmm, I'm
Speaker 1: not not even physically and pounds prime candeine is around one.
Speaker 1: You've gained ten pounds in the right places with every child,
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. So if we're being honest, I'm
Speaker 1: not looking for the one nineteen all right road a
Speaker 1: little easier to travel yall Now that that's you know,
Speaker 1: I got you, I got you, Okay. So um, where
Speaker 1: we are number three? Feeling powerless to make changes? Therefore,
Speaker 1: over dependence on your partners in your partner sets in, right.
Speaker 1: So you get into a relationship and say you have
Speaker 1: a partner that's just overbearing, right and they just want
Speaker 1: to control everything, and you just let that go. Love
Speaker 1: this person. I want to be with this person, so
Speaker 1: whatever they say goes. That's an easy way to lose
Speaker 1: yourself and that's not a gender trait. I've seen that
Speaker 1: from men and women that some people just like, Hey,
Speaker 1: my partner's overbearing, the overpowering. I love being with them,
Speaker 1: so whatever they do, I'll I'll conform to them, you know, absolutely.
Speaker 1: And number four overpleasing their partner even when it feels wrong.
Speaker 1: Now you know what I noticed with all of these things,
Speaker 1: they all come from a lack of confidence individuals. It
Speaker 1: seems like it is a weak mindset because most people
Speaker 1: who feel like they can't find their peace and find
Speaker 1: themselves feel like they'll find their peace in someone else.
Speaker 1: So if I'm attached to someone else, or if I'm
Speaker 1: in proximity to someone else that claims me as theirs,
Speaker 1: that's all I need to be validated as a person.
Speaker 1: And that feeling is fleeting. Is fleeting because someone can
Speaker 1: validate you by choosing you in the beginning, but then
Speaker 1: once that has worn off, it's like, I don't really
Speaker 1: care if this person uses me anymore, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like I gotta to choose myself. Or if
Speaker 1: you get into a relationship with someone who's like a
Speaker 1: chronic narcissist, that's just like, oh, I'm gonna take over
Speaker 1: this whole person's being or whatever, and I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: whatever they need me to be. Sometimes that's that's a
Speaker 1: whole candle worms. No no, no, no, no, that's not
Speaker 1: a candle worms. Because narcissists often find themselves with people
Speaker 1: with low selves exactly because narcissists typically have low self esteem,
Speaker 1: and their narcissism is typically a defense mechanism to mask
Speaker 1: the fact that they don't feel as highly about themselves
Speaker 1: as they present, so they find someone else with a
Speaker 1: lower self esteem to feel better about them and end
Speaker 1: up controlling and praying on them, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So it's important to notice. It's important to note that
Speaker 1: in order to go into a relationship and be healthy,
Speaker 1: how you feel about yourself has to be of the
Speaker 1: utmost important. Like it can't be after the fact I
Speaker 1: figured this out. You have to be strong. You have
Speaker 1: to feel strongly about yourself to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I am ready to be in a relationship and not
Speaker 1: lose who I am to be with this person. I
Speaker 1: just want to share who I am with this person
Speaker 1: and create a life together. That's exactly why our moms
Speaker 1: are telling us to chill the funk out at eighteen.
Speaker 1: They were like, y'all, I don't know what about yourself
Speaker 1: as much as somebody else. We don't know about boundaries,
Speaker 1: we don't know what we want to establish with ourselves
Speaker 1: much as anybody else. So that totally totally makes sense now,
Speaker 1: So what we're encouraging our kids to do take your time.
Speaker 1: So we are encouraging our kids to take our time.
Speaker 1: But I did also say this to my son we
Speaker 1: were talking. He has he has a little friendly like
Speaker 1: we have a friend. I'm not gonna say a girlfriend
Speaker 1: because they're young each other and they do have an
Speaker 1: affinity for each other and they're a loving but I
Speaker 1: appreciate him being you know, he courts her because he
Speaker 1: for Valentine's Day, he got her something for Valentine's Day,
Speaker 1: and you know, he's thinking about her birthday, what she
Speaker 1: would like, and he's worrying about being a gentleman and
Speaker 1: stuff like That's what I like because he sees what
Speaker 1: I do for you. But then there's also as a
Speaker 1: dad saying like, hey, make sure you're with someone who
Speaker 1: was reciprocating those things, and you're not only doing those
Speaker 1: things just to be affirmed by that person. You're doing
Speaker 1: them because you want to do it, not because you're
Speaker 1: seeking that person's approval, right, and then going to the
Speaker 1: goodness out of his heart. But then we came up
Speaker 1: with this model, right, and you can never let someone's
Speaker 1: looks um maybe a reason how you control the way
Speaker 1: you move, right, So just because you like someone and
Speaker 1: they're cute, right, there are a lot of cute, pretty assholes, right,
Speaker 1: and yes, men and women, and this is the model
Speaker 1: that he came up with. And I said, I couldn't
Speaker 1: think of the words because he's eleven. I was trying
Speaker 1: to find a way to make it make sense. So
Speaker 1: I said, you know, you should never let a pretty
Speaker 1: asshole and he goes control my emotions and I said, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: you should never let a pretty asshole control your emotions.
Speaker 1: And he was just like, She's like, so the moral
Speaker 1: of the story is I should never let anyone, no
Speaker 1: matter what they look like or who they are, make
Speaker 1: me feel a certain way about myself. I said, yes, Jackson, Yes,
Speaker 1: I said, And that's not just for pretty people other people.
Speaker 1: That's even for me and your mom. No one else
Speaker 1: outside of Jackson shouldn't be able to control Jackson's emotions.
Speaker 1: No one else outside of Jackson should make Jackson feel
Speaker 1: a way about themselves. But I do know how it
Speaker 1: is for young men when you find that woman that
Speaker 1: you just attracted to and she's pretty, but that person
Speaker 1: may be toxic, and then you let that person control
Speaker 1: how you move because you're so concerned about being with
Speaker 1: that person that you lose the things that you're Yes,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So it starts from a
Speaker 1: young age and also teaching young people to believe in
Speaker 1: themselves and have that high self esteem. Don't walk into
Speaker 1: any situation saying I have to change or be a
Speaker 1: certain way. And this is why I kid you not
Speaker 1: if I had a daughter, because women have been socially
Speaker 1: conditioned to do this since the dawn of time. If
Speaker 1: you want a man, if you want to marry a king,
Speaker 1: if you want this, you have to present yourself a
Speaker 1: certain way. Right. What was the show we watched? The
Speaker 1: brig All of the the whole show is about how
Speaker 1: women have to present their certain way to seek the
Speaker 1: approval of men in high society. And if I had
Speaker 1: a daughter, man teach her about not conforming to the
Speaker 1: will of a man like yo like, because that's how
Speaker 1: you lose yourself because you're just like, Okay, well men
Speaker 1: like this, so let me like this. You know, I
Speaker 1: remember there was an episode of I think it was
Speaker 1: Saved by the Bell or or it might have been
Speaker 1: the Fresh Prince episode, because you know I watched all those.
Speaker 1: It was it was First Prince and Hillary was teaching
Speaker 1: Ashley how to get the guy that she likes attention.
Speaker 1: So Hillary had her dress like her and she was like,
Speaker 1: you have to go because you know men like you
Speaker 1: and aren't too smart. So anything he says, you gotta,
Speaker 1: you gotta go. And I was like, I wish somebody
Speaker 1: would tell my daughter to do that. Now I get
Speaker 1: it. It It wasn't jest and it was front of it,
Speaker 1: but I wish I would tell my daughter to dumb
Speaker 1: herself down or act a certain way to seek the
Speaker 1: approval of a guy. You know what I think helped me,
Speaker 1: I guess in a weird kind of way, now that
Speaker 1: you mentioned it. Type way. Um, having had a family
Speaker 1: or parents who were not proponents of me dating and
Speaker 1: being this way and acting this way for men and
Speaker 1: all that stuff kind of put me out there organically
Speaker 1: to be myself else. And I went out there, I
Speaker 1: guess into the world, I should say, not really trying
Speaker 1: to act a certain kind of way or trying to
Speaker 1: pull a certain kind of man or so that in
Speaker 1: turn allowed me to organically be myself. And that's what
Speaker 1: organically attracted me to you. And we just worked because
Speaker 1: there wasn't a facade. I mean, granted, we were younger,
Speaker 1: so we weren't necessarily looking for this too. But imagine
Speaker 1: if I was conditioned or trained or as into being
Speaker 1: some kind of person because that's what society expects or
Speaker 1: men expect. You're absolutely right, your mom and I remember
Speaker 1: from your mom never raised you or Sakari to act
Speaker 1: a certain way to get a man. Your mom's oh,
Speaker 1: your mom used to always be like, even even when
Speaker 1: we when I was in the NFL, cann what are
Speaker 1: you gonna do? She still does that to this day.
Speaker 1: But I'm saying to Vale, you booked a show, your
Speaker 1: own show. All that's amazing. So Cadeine, what are you
Speaker 1: doing with your life today? You know it's literally the
Speaker 1: same thing. But to go back to you're saying, I
Speaker 1: think that that's really what kind of drew me to you.
Speaker 1: I never felt like you were putting on to be
Speaker 1: part of who devours what drew me to you was
Speaker 1: that it was like, Wow, look at this girl. She
Speaker 1: wants to be on TV and she's our a and
Speaker 1: she's you know, she she wears heels and she doesn't
Speaker 1: follow everybody else because at that time, the girl's our
Speaker 1: age all had on Jordan's and they were wearing tight
Speaker 1: jeans and polo shirts, and they, you know, they would
Speaker 1: dress a certain way. But you came and you had
Speaker 1: on heels and you had on yea, and I was
Speaker 1: just like, yo, she she doesn't act like everyone else.
Speaker 1: She's different. That individuality is what drew me to you,
Speaker 1: because it were it wasn't like you were even performing
Speaker 1: for society standards of what a woman or a young
Speaker 1: woman should be. It just seemed like you were comfortable
Speaker 1: being in your own skin. Absolutely, And I think but
Speaker 1: my parents, of course, they'd still just like basic core
Speaker 1: values and stuff like that that I had naturally, But
Speaker 1: I just never felt the need to have to perform
Speaker 1: or put on on to gain the likes you know,
Speaker 1: of men or women, you know, to to to make friends,
Speaker 1: per se, and to attract a certain kind of man.
Speaker 1: So I think that might have actually been helpful because
Speaker 1: I was we've spoken on the converse side of that
Speaker 1: of how I didn't necessarily feel prepared for marriage or
Speaker 1: relationships and stuff like that. Um that I have to
Speaker 1: give credit to my parents for using me to be
Speaker 1: an individual and being adamant about that. My mom to
Speaker 1: shout out to my mom, Karen, my mom, she was.
Speaker 1: She was big on teaching us how to court women.
Speaker 1: She was the job, big on teaching us about giving
Speaker 1: gifts and being intentional and and being deliberate and also
Speaker 1: being thoughtful. Right, but she was also big on letting
Speaker 1: us know that we were a catch. My mom always
Speaker 1: used to be like, you're a devout. You don't have
Speaker 1: to conform to anybody. I remember going through my moments
Speaker 1: in high school or junior high school when a girl,
Speaker 1: it's a hard time. My mom being there and being
Speaker 1: one to be like, you know what, no man I
Speaker 1: care about these little girls. Say you go and do
Speaker 1: what you gotta do, and you and and she always
Speaker 1: spoke power into me so that I never felt like
Speaker 1: I had to seek the approval of another young woman
Speaker 1: to feel better about myself. My mom really spoke. And
Speaker 1: then you know, they say, your mom is a boy's
Speaker 1: always your first crush, right, but my I always went
Speaker 1: to my mom, always spoke power in me and always
Speaker 1: made me feel like I was good enough on my own.
Speaker 1: So that didn't only help me with relationships, that helped
Speaker 1: me with friend groups Like I never felt like I
Speaker 1: had to join the gang or be a part of
Speaker 1: this group or be accepted right, I was a loner.
Speaker 1: Like when we looked at the my high school yearbook,
Speaker 1: there was always groups of people. You didn't see devout
Speaker 1: in any one group of anything. You saw devout in
Speaker 1: this group here, that group here. Because I didn't hang
Speaker 1: out with just this group and to feel accepted, I
Speaker 1: was fine comfortable walking alone, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And to this day, I feel like we're still the
Speaker 1: same way as individuals like neither one of us. For example,
Speaker 1: we moved to a new place. We're here Georgia. We
Speaker 1: could easily assimilate into a particular click or crowd because
Speaker 1: it is very clickly out here, and we're just kind
Speaker 1: of like we're good. You were in our quarter. Yeah,
Speaker 1: absolutely cool. Let's talk about how to maintain your difference.
Speaker 1: To maintain setting boundaries, set boundaries. Healthy relationships rarely place
Speaker 1: importance some power and control, So set boundaries and setting
Speaker 1: boundaries should be an acceptable way to maintain your sense
Speaker 1: of ine individuality, which I said earlier, boundaries are the
Speaker 1: distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Okay, Prentice,
Speaker 1: are the distance at which I can love you and
Speaker 1: me simultaneously? That? Wow? You know what? When we did
Speaker 1: the podcast, it was years ago, Prentice, rules are made
Speaker 1: to be broken, and how you and I don't believe
Speaker 1: in setting rules right? Like? I think one of the
Speaker 1: listener letters were about is your spouse allowed to have
Speaker 1: friends of the opposite sex? And you and I both
Speaker 1: were like, what kind of like? What kind of relationship
Speaker 1: are you in where you have to set a boundary
Speaker 1: on who your spouse can be friends with. If you
Speaker 1: don't trust who your spouse is going to be within,
Speaker 1: why are they your spouse? Right? Plus, no one wants
Speaker 1: to be confined to someone else's ideas of what's right
Speaker 1: or wrong. I have to set my own moral code.
Speaker 1: You have to say your own moral code, and if
Speaker 1: our moral codes aligned, then we can work well in
Speaker 1: life together. If they don't, we don't need to be together.
Speaker 1: But I'm not gonna let you, as an individual tell
Speaker 1: me how I'm supposed to behave and I, as an individual,
Speaker 1: don't even feel the need. You just went away with
Speaker 1: your home girls bikinis, And of course I always get
Speaker 1: d M s and I was like, Yo, your girl
Speaker 1: out here, spread out, you know, you let your girl
Speaker 1: go away with her friend like they could be doing anything.
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, there are people out here who
Speaker 1: really feel like your your significant others should not spend
Speaker 1: any time away with you, whether it's with the same
Speaker 1: sex or different sex. Ridiculous. And that's my check. I
Speaker 1: got one daddy, Marson Joe. Dad definitely got you have
Speaker 1: you have one father, but definitely your daddy. Okay, in serious,
Speaker 1: No daddy, I'm shout out to the man's shout out
Speaker 1: to the man, but I really cannot. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I would like because I don't open d M often.
Speaker 1: But when I said, what do you mean, like, can
Speaker 1: you explain it to it, It's just like, nah, Yo,
Speaker 1: this is his voice in my mind. Nay, my girl
Speaker 1: not going on vacation with another woman taking bikini pigs.
Speaker 1: So then my response was, do you want her to
Speaker 1: go on vacation with another guy to take borkini pigs? No,
Speaker 1: she's not going on vacation with nobody else period. Wow.
Speaker 1: So it had nothing to do with the sex of
Speaker 1: who wherever the other person is. You just want to
Speaker 1: have so much control over your girl and girl around
Speaker 1: for the hills. Who is he? Right? And I'm just
Speaker 1: like and I'm like, dude, do you have a girl? Right? Yeah,
Speaker 1: we've been together for three years? I said, cool, your girl.
Speaker 1: I actually I said, your girl only goes where you
Speaker 1: want her to go. He said yes, And I said,
Speaker 1: so you only go where your girl wants you to go.
Speaker 1: He said no, that's different. So so I get it
Speaker 1: control and I can't. I couldn't understand it until he
Speaker 1: described it that when I said, what it really is
Speaker 1: is control insecurities, and then I we had we had
Speaker 1: it back and forth. I said, let me, what's your girls?
Speaker 1: I g a right, So he sends me as girls,
Speaker 1: very attractive woman, right, if you ask me, she's dating
Speaker 1: down okay, And I saw where the insecurity comes from.
Speaker 1: He's afraid that she can go find someone better or
Speaker 1: quote unquote more handsome, right, based on his own insecurity. Right.
Speaker 1: So in order to control or protect himself, it's I
Speaker 1: gotta put these boundaries so that she doesn't do, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, let me not expose her too much to
Speaker 1: the world because something might happen me while my husband
Speaker 1: over here paid for my air fear book the photographer
Speaker 1: and was like, have a good time because I can't
Speaker 1: control I can't control what you do either way. If
Speaker 1: I keep you in this house you want to, I
Speaker 1: don't want to. But imagine I kept you in this
Speaker 1: house that you can't leave. Then I go to work.
Speaker 1: You know what you're gonna do. Call somebody over here
Speaker 1: when I'm not like it. Let's be honest, like what
Speaker 1: somebody does like you just can't Like I just I
Speaker 1: love to me the greatest feelings knowing that the person
Speaker 1: that's next to me chooses me here, that that's it
Speaker 1: you want to be. That's the greatest feeling, not obligated
Speaker 1: like I just I love that feeling. Understanding about about
Speaker 1: boundaries and absolutely setting boundaries. That was the main one.
Speaker 1: On top maintaining interests that are important to you before
Speaker 1: becoming involved in your relationship. So keeping up with those
Speaker 1: same things you like to do you used to like
Speaker 1: to do, don't stop them, don't stop them, keep up
Speaker 1: with friendships that are important to you. When you were single. Yes,
Speaker 1: how many times have we seen two, for example, two
Speaker 1: girlfriends or a group of girlfriends say this, three four
Speaker 1: of them and then they all hang in, they canootle land.
Speaker 1: They're single, everyone's having a grand old time. Somebody finds
Speaker 1: a man. It's a somebody finds a man. Then all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, Yeah, she is very awkward. There's a
Speaker 1: little bit of tension, you know, she she does, she's
Speaker 1: forgot about it. She forgot about us. She's that's been different.
Speaker 1: She's all into her man. And then it's just like,
Speaker 1: how well, how is she supposed to be if she
Speaker 1: has a man? Now? However, however, you found a man
Speaker 1: that's cute and all, but you still had your girlfriend's
Speaker 1: who were hanging with before that. So are we going
Speaker 1: to vv you up that time? So now that was
Speaker 1: the big thing, is the time giving up the time?
Speaker 1: When you're all single, you have nothing but time to
Speaker 1: spend with each other. But now when you guys are
Speaker 1: planning a girl's trip and she's dating someone, there may
Speaker 1: be a conflict of time. If she had a trip
Speaker 1: or something planned with her boyfriend. That doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: you always have to choose your boyfriend, but Now, when
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship and you're being deliberate about your
Speaker 1: own time, you're gonna have to take a little bit
Speaker 1: of time from some other places. And I think a
Speaker 1: lot of times your friends friends groups forget that, especially
Speaker 1: if they're not in a relationship. It's like, what you mean,
Speaker 1: you can't come or you gotta check in. It's not
Speaker 1: about checking in. It's about maybe we had plans, or
Speaker 1: maybe we're starting to get to learn each other, so
Speaker 1: we're investing more time free time with each other and
Speaker 1: not with you. Or maybe I'm trying to be a
Speaker 1: responsible partner and just let someone know about But that
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you can no longer spend times with your
Speaker 1: friends groups. I still go out with my guys. I
Speaker 1: still if before COVID, still went on guide trips. We
Speaker 1: still go go out and get drinks. When my friends
Speaker 1: come into town. We still go out and do all
Speaker 1: of the same things that we used to do. Now
Speaker 1: there is a respect factor there. Right when I was single.
Speaker 1: When I was single, we would go to the strip club.
Speaker 1: We would go to the club, and it'd be a
Speaker 1: different type of mingling. Now when we go, they already know.
Speaker 1: And when you have good friends groups. They know where
Speaker 1: you are in your life. So my friends groups don't
Speaker 1: ever hit me up now and be like, Yo, we're
Speaker 1: going to the strip your friend exactly. And they also
Speaker 1: know Listen, de Val can't be seen at the strip
Speaker 1: club right now, like he's married, he's a public figure,
Speaker 1: Like he just can't be in a strip club acting crazy.
Speaker 1: That's just not what he's about. Yo, Let's go to
Speaker 1: a lounge. That doesn't mean that we don't spend time,
Speaker 1: but it's also your friends group understands that you know
Speaker 1: he's in a different places life. He's not Singley'll three exactly.
Speaker 1: Y'all three go to strip club when it's just y'all,
Speaker 1: but when y'all going to a lounge hit me. Don't
Speaker 1: be afraid to alter plans to include said friend who
Speaker 1: may be in a relationship. Also, that decision to not
Speaker 1: go to ship clubs never came from codein saying you
Speaker 1: can't go to ship clubs, because I used to still
Speaker 1: go to ship clubs. I just have a problem with
Speaker 1: if he told me he was going to night, I'd
Speaker 1: be like, alright, yeah, I'm not a strip club guy
Speaker 1: like me and used to go to ship clubs together.
Speaker 1: And it was fun during that time and where we
Speaker 1: were in our life. But now I'm just not it's
Speaker 1: not into it, Like that's just not right. And then
Speaker 1: to piggyback, then that statement was um to support your
Speaker 1: partner in maintaining those friendships that are important to him
Speaker 1: or her before knowing you exactly. That's why Codino always
Speaker 1: if she's going on the girl's trip, she's going to
Speaker 1: do something. I'm always like, all right, just let me
Speaker 1: know when I got to get the kids, or let's
Speaker 1: figure out planning for parenting when you're not here. But
Speaker 1: there's never a point where it's like you're my wife,
Speaker 1: now you can only do these things. It's just never
Speaker 1: been that for us. It shouldn't be for anyone. Partnership
Speaker 1: that is healthy enough to support your intivid individuality will
Speaker 1: include the following a high level of trust, mutual respect,
Speaker 1: and friendship check check um. Plenty of room for each
Speaker 1: person to maintain their individuality. Each person allows the other
Speaker 1: as much space as they need. Check Ways to help
Speaker 1: make it safe for each partner to increase their sense
Speaker 1: of intimacy and vulnerability. Let's talk about the ways ways
Speaker 1: to help it. Ways to help make it safe for
Speaker 1: each partner to increase their sense of intimacy and vulnerability.
Speaker 1: This is what's important to me. Right, when you're getting
Speaker 1: to know someone in the beginning of the relationship, intimacy
Speaker 1: and vulnerability is probably minimal because when you don't really
Speaker 1: know someone, how can you be intimate? Now, may have sex,
Speaker 1: but you may not be intimate right, and you may
Speaker 1: talk about stuff, but you still may not be vulnerable
Speaker 1: because you have a guard up. But increasing intimacy and
Speaker 1: vulnerability has less to do with the fizzical physical act
Speaker 1: of sex and more about the openness to be who
Speaker 1: you are and say what you need and being comfortable
Speaker 1: to be received that way. So intimacy, for example, we
Speaker 1: joke about this all the time. Is my wife comes
Speaker 1: out of the shower, she doesn't have makeup on, she
Speaker 1: puts on her bonnet, and she still comes in the
Speaker 1: room and lays on my chest, and she feels comfortable
Speaker 1: being her most authentic self around me. That to me
Speaker 1: is intimacy, you know what I'm saying. That to me
Speaker 1: is being vulnerable. Right, even when you have sex. Imagine
Speaker 1: you meet a girl, she don't never take a shower
Speaker 1: by your house because she knows she don't want to
Speaker 1: take that makeup off. She don't ever take her wig off.
Speaker 1: And y'all come over, and y'all have sex consistently in
Speaker 1: a full head of wig and a full face of makeup.
Speaker 1: That's not intimate to me. That's the physical act of
Speaker 1: having sex. Same thing for a dude, right, dude, don't
Speaker 1: ever come by you unless you got the line up
Speaker 1: with the Beijing. You know what I'm saying. He got
Speaker 1: his beard and handsome. You know what I'm saying, because
Speaker 1: God's got their tricks. They do too what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Or he may be bold. He don't ever take his
Speaker 1: hat off around you. I mean, even when y'all have sex.
Speaker 1: You keep on his socks in his hat the fresh ball,
Speaker 1: because he don't. He don't got the fresh balls, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. His feet may not be dune like.
Speaker 1: Dudes have the things they do too. They keeping the
Speaker 1: socks on, keeping you gotta keep your feet fucked up.
Speaker 1: Keep the socks on in that woman's house, all right,
Speaker 1: don't you don't you let them dogs out. Don't let
Speaker 1: the dogs out when you first met him. But when
Speaker 1: you intimate, you intimate socks. Come on, be vulnerable in
Speaker 1: these toes. You know what I'm saying, that hack come off.
Speaker 1: You ain't got no line up. The baldy ain't shining
Speaker 1: on the side. It's kind of dull on the side,
Speaker 1: but it's shining at the top. You got the colder sack.
Speaker 1: That's intimacy. When you want the chick lets you smack,
Speaker 1: you got on her bonnet, and you got the colder
Speaker 1: sat rocking. That's like, let's do it together, baby, Let's
Speaker 1: do together, because let's love each other and have a
Speaker 1: colder sect to some of your women be having cold
Speaker 1: the sacs under that. It's fine. It's fine living the
Speaker 1: cold set. You know, it's there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1: I canze with the cold sat in the sack, with
Speaker 1: the cold set, with the cold set, in the set
Speaker 1: with the code in the second, with the cold sat
Speaker 1: in the set. Grow up, girl, I'm trying. I'm trying trying.
Speaker 1: Grow up, all right. We got three more ways of
Speaker 1: developing closer intimacy at times while maintaining strong individuality at
Speaker 1: other times, find ways of developing closer intimacy. And sometimes
Speaker 1: you know how we did that. We traveled together. Yes, Okay,
Speaker 1: so I reread that real quick. So yes, that's a
Speaker 1: that's a wonderful way for us. Everybody knows that that's
Speaker 1: when I come alive. That's when you open up the
Speaker 1: travel when I am firefly, Yes, travel you. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: love that. I love travel, So that's when I become alive.
Speaker 1: So yes, we have learned a lot more and got
Speaker 1: closer in those moments, but together. The reason why I
Speaker 1: brought up traveling is because changing your environment allows you
Speaker 1: become more vulnerable, because this is something you guys get
Speaker 1: to experience together for the first time, but also shows
Speaker 1: your individuality. You're traveling, you get to show what you
Speaker 1: like while also listening to what she likes, and you
Speaker 1: get to see each other in different environments. Yeah, seeing
Speaker 1: what brings the person makes the person, what makes the
Speaker 1: person take, what makes them get that sparkle in their eyes.
Speaker 1: It's always nice to, you know, find moments like that.
Speaker 1: Like as much as I know devout for years, there's
Speaker 1: always these moments that happened every now and again where
Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh, to see that twinkle in his
Speaker 1: eye depending on what's happening, Like those moments I take
Speaker 1: that little twinkle put in my pocket for a rainy
Speaker 1: day boundaries which are comfortable for both partners around critical
Speaker 1: issues such as sex, finances, and other family members. So
Speaker 1: it's important because, as Kadina and I have talked about,
Speaker 1: when you're first dating and your meeting people, you you
Speaker 1: meet the representative. But when you start talking about sex,
Speaker 1: finances and family members, Now this comes down to the
Speaker 1: root of who the people are. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: what type of sex you like, how much sex you require,
Speaker 1: how much money you spend, What do you know about
Speaker 1: financial acumen, what are your business goals and ventures? Um?
Speaker 1: What kind of family were you raised in? How does
Speaker 1: your family communicate? What is your religion, your political views?
Speaker 1: These are things that you don't have to lose yourself,
Speaker 1: but discuss this with your partner to say, oh, that's
Speaker 1: how you that's how you view things, this is how
Speaker 1: I view things. You know, Let's see if we can
Speaker 1: work this together without changing who we are. You know. Um,
Speaker 1: a lot of people have issues when it comes to this,
Speaker 1: even when like things like religion. How are we going
Speaker 1: to raise our kids if we have different religious views
Speaker 1: or different political views, you know, So, um, it's important
Speaker 1: to share those things. And the last thing is mutual
Speaker 1: sharing and give and take trade offs and occasional, occasional
Speaker 1: sacrifices for the other that talks about being of service,
Speaker 1: you know when you give and takes trade off sacrifices. Yeah,
Speaker 1: when you decide that you want to be a spouse,
Speaker 1: you ultimately decide for a life long journey of servitude. Right, So,
Speaker 1: I'm going to serve this person, but I'm not going
Speaker 1: to lose myself while serving this person. I'm going to
Speaker 1: serve this person through the lens of still being the
Speaker 1: best version of myself I can be. If me serving
Speaker 1: this person means I have to lose who I am,
Speaker 1: you're not doing You're doing yourself a disservice. Yeah, it's like,
Speaker 1: how much does this cost? Is this relationship going to
Speaker 1: cost me? I'm not gonna say it right now, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say it later for me. For me, it's the
Speaker 1: moments of when I see that twinkling as I am.
Speaker 1: It just came to me. That's the moment You're I'm
Speaker 1: gonna keep that locked in. Sounds good to me, all right,
Speaker 1: So I think that's a good point point in the show.
Speaker 1: But we could take a quick break and get into
Speaker 1: listening letters and do all those things. Alright, guys, we're
Speaker 1: back with listening letters. All right, I'm gonna allow you
Speaker 1: to go first today, Babe, I appreciate that. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Is it because I'm an individual today? Maybe? All right?
Speaker 1: I love your podcast so so much. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: You guys have given me so many different viewpoints to
Speaker 1: look at, different situations from there are situations from it.
Speaker 1: I appreciate the vulnerability you guys show. What's to start
Speaker 1: conversations or at least thinking on our own. We appreciate
Speaker 1: the whole points, the whole point. So here's so, here's
Speaker 1: my complaint. I got married at two years old and
Speaker 1: became a mom at twenty three. My husband, five years older,
Speaker 1: is my longtime friend from the lock. Okay, I always
Speaker 1: knew he liked me, but always played games because I
Speaker 1: knew he wasn't exactly what I wanted at that time.
Speaker 1: We got married because he asked, and I really didn't
Speaker 1: think he was serious. Wow, that swapping when you're young,
Speaker 1: let's get married. I think come on, was joking. Now
Speaker 1: we're married with a baby. What I know? He was
Speaker 1: a nice breath of fresh air from the guys I
Speaker 1: used to deal with. But about six months into the marriage,
Speaker 1: I started telling myself that the very reason I didn't
Speaker 1: want to be with him is because he's boring. We
Speaker 1: don't do anything. We don't go anywhere, even to watch
Speaker 1: movie at home. He's falling asleep while we're watching. Anytime
Speaker 1: I voiced my complaints, it's fixed for a day and
Speaker 1: then back to the same mold. That's typically how it works.
Speaker 1: He also was very unmotivated, a dreamer. I would say.
Speaker 1: He talks about owning a media company and having a
Speaker 1: comic book series, but the last time I saw him
Speaker 1: write anything was back in two thousand nineteen. Right now,
Speaker 1: we're staying at my sister's due to financial reason, and
Speaker 1: all he does every day after the shift at work
Speaker 1: is played video games two wee hours in the morning.
Speaker 1: My thing is, I know now that getting I read
Speaker 1: so young was silly, and now that it's going to
Speaker 1: be five years later, a lot for me has changed
Speaker 1: as of what I want for my life, and for him,
Speaker 1: everything seems hunky dory. Like I mean, the man expects me,
Speaker 1: while being a stay at home mom and a full
Speaker 1: time student, to find him a higher paying job and
Speaker 1: apply to it. For him, I barely knew myself before
Speaker 1: I got married, and now that I'm getting to know
Speaker 1: me and being a mom, I feel like I have
Speaker 1: to literally build him from the bottom up while he
Speaker 1: just sits around and plays video games. He's a good dad,
Speaker 1: very affectionate, and I love those qualities. However, those qualities
Speaker 1: aren't sustainable to have a quality life. Well, to be honest,
Speaker 1: it don't seem like neither onecause he's doing anything to
Speaker 1: have a stay the quality life. She is stay at
Speaker 1: home mom, and she's in school full time. Maybe she's
Speaker 1: because she's younger, so remember she's working to get herself together.
Speaker 1: She's twenty two. She's okay, they got married at three? No,
Speaker 1: he's I got married and became mom at twenty three
Speaker 1: and he's five years old. And now they've been married
Speaker 1: for or how long it was? Five years later? Where
Speaker 1: did she say that? Down here? My thing is, I
Speaker 1: know they're getting married so young with silly and now
Speaker 1: there's going to be five years later. Yes, yes, I see.
Speaker 1: Oh still in school? What school you was in school
Speaker 1: for from? From eighteen? We're going to school? What school
Speaker 1: you go to school for? Ten years? Maybe she went
Speaker 1: medicine and said she might be a doctor. All right,
Speaker 1: so let me say she might be being a doctor.
Speaker 1: My thing is, oftentimes people don't realize that you are
Speaker 1: the same person that you married, and everything that you
Speaker 1: complain about you are as well. But she says, I
Speaker 1: don't want to leave, but I don't know if I'm
Speaker 1: walking away too soon. Here's the truth. They got married
Speaker 1: and did this stuff young. Even the way she said
Speaker 1: they got married was a problem. I thought he was joking.
Speaker 1: He said, let's get married. I said, year and before
Speaker 1: I knew what I was married. So there was no
Speaker 1: intention behind either of them really wanted to be married.
Speaker 1: Also too, she said, the last time she saw him
Speaker 1: write something was back in two thousand nineteen. I wonder
Speaker 1: if he's in like a little COVID rut, like a
Speaker 1: lot of people were in that pandemic space of where
Speaker 1: they got really laxing and okay, trying to give the
Speaker 1: benefit of the son. Listen, listen, Okay, we're about honesty
Speaker 1: around here. Go ahead. Yes, people get in COVID ruts,
Speaker 1: but also people become COVID millionaires. A lot of people
Speaker 1: pivoted and created businesses during that time, and there are
Speaker 1: a lot of multimillionaires who were created during times of recession.
Speaker 1: Every time something happens bad, people think it affects everybody
Speaker 1: the same way. No, it doesn't affect everybody the same way.
Speaker 1: People who are creative and can find ways to make
Speaker 1: money do. People who don't can't, and they use that
Speaker 1: as an excuse. That's just my perspective. I'm not trying
Speaker 1: to blame anybody, but at some point we have to
Speaker 1: be accountable for what we have and don't have in life.
Speaker 1: Right if if COVID was a thing, everybody would have
Speaker 1: got broken during COVID, But that didn't happen. Some people
Speaker 1: were able to find ways to make revenue because they
Speaker 1: put their time and energy in energy. It is time.
Speaker 1: That's you don't got no energy. You're playing video games
Speaker 1: to wee hours in the morning. But you want to
Speaker 1: write comic books. You aintbode that godamn comic book. They
Speaker 1: ain't got nothing to do with COVID nothing. You could
Speaker 1: have made a comic book about COVID, that's very true,
Speaker 1: and use your media company to promote the comic. You
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. Bro, Like, if we if we're
Speaker 1: gonna be honest with people, we we can't just be
Speaker 1: be kind and say what's nice in order to make
Speaker 1: them feel good. You have to be accountable, dude. I
Speaker 1: understand he has to be accountable time frame, and was
Speaker 1: just wondering, you know, and not everybody handled the pandemic
Speaker 1: the same way. I got you, But I think they
Speaker 1: both need to be accountable. He do not need to
Speaker 1: be playing video games. First of all, you're living with
Speaker 1: your sister in law. That's energy you wasted, all right.
Speaker 1: You could be doing something else better with your time
Speaker 1: out than wasting the energy. You know how much that
Speaker 1: is an electricity bill. You're sitting up playing video games
Speaker 1: two wee hours in the morning. That's number one. She
Speaker 1: says she's to stay at home mom. She got one
Speaker 1: child and she's in school. Right. The least you can do,
Speaker 1: since you're at home and he's obviously working, is helping
Speaker 1: him apply for other jobs pay higher. What else you
Speaker 1: got to do? It would have to be working together.
Speaker 1: It seems like accord altogether. Because see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: She probably feels like, bro, I want to see you
Speaker 1: take the initiative to get up an apply for these jobs.
Speaker 1: Probably just like, well, assist you better at writing essays
Speaker 1: and whatnot. So then do it upload my resume. They
Speaker 1: should both be sitting in front of the laptop searching
Speaker 1: for the job, flying together. Yes, there's no one person
Speaker 1: to blame. Both of y'all got to do better the
Speaker 1: computer and guys you told your classes after studying your daughter, Hello, Hello,
Speaker 1: There was no There was never. There was never in
Speaker 1: a point in our relationship. But I was just working
Speaker 1: on something and you was looking at me saying, well,
Speaker 1: you know you were just like, babe, if you're going
Speaker 1: to do that, why don't you do this? No? Perfect
Speaker 1: example speaking about individuality. Right when you were working at
Speaker 1: the Hot Zone and you had to go to these events,
Speaker 1: who took you me? I was working right when your
Speaker 1: cameraman was late? Who stood in line and with elbow
Speaker 1: and all these other people to make sure you had
Speaker 1: the space? I did right? Perfect? When I started a
Speaker 1: company out when I started my company, who helped me
Speaker 1: with registration? All right? Then that's part of that is
Speaker 1: part of being married. For being an individual. When my
Speaker 1: married individual is working on something, I should be a
Speaker 1: service to them to help them be better in the
Speaker 1: long run period period. You ain't write no comic books.
Speaker 1: You're playing video games? Come on, son, No, I ain't. No,
Speaker 1: you don't get and I ain't you ain't getting the
Speaker 1: COVID past neither. I'm tired of COVID. I furnishan come
Speaker 1: here for eleven months. They said it's because of COVID.
Speaker 1: I went to get my car. They're telling me it's
Speaker 1: delayed three months. It's because of COVID. I didn't know
Speaker 1: cars could get COVID. It's walking into air beds until
Speaker 1: we get our ship. I'm just tying tired everybody using
Speaker 1: COVID as an excuse, like, come on, we gotta at
Speaker 1: some point get it together, and that is a fact.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I just kind of lost it there because
Speaker 1: I furnitshanded coming. We moved last year. The damn kitchen table.
Speaker 1: We're gonna use this folding table for the rest of
Speaker 1: of our lives. These kids trash everything anyway, so whatever.
Speaker 1: Al Right, onto the second one. Hey, Conenian DeVoe. I
Speaker 1: love your podcast and look forward to the weekly episode
Speaker 1: drop every Wednesday morning. Thank you. I'm writing today to
Speaker 1: ask you about your decision to relocate to Atlanta. Me,
Speaker 1: my husband, and our two boys, aged two and five
Speaker 1: four months currently live in Philadelphia, PA. And we've been
Speaker 1: here for ten plus years. As our boys grow to
Speaker 1: be school aged, we're giving more thought to where we
Speaker 1: want to buy a nice, single family home and settle
Speaker 1: our roots. I have a good amount of family in
Speaker 1: Atlanta and have been thinking about moving down there ever
Speaker 1: since I left to go to college. We think the
Speaker 1: time is finally right and we are planning to make
Speaker 1: the next move to Atlanta within the next year. Can
Speaker 1: you please talk about the factors that led you to
Speaker 1: deciding to relocate to Atlanta. What types of changes your
Speaker 1: lifestyles have your lifestyle has experienced with the move, Any
Speaker 1: challenges to read the podcast in itself, um, any challenges
Speaker 1: to relocating, and what considerations you weighed in making your
Speaker 1: decision choosing your home. Thank you for taking the time
Speaker 1: to respond. Hope to see you both in a live
Speaker 1: show shows some day soon. Now. Alright, girls, So it's
Speaker 1: funny because I think a couple of people, when I
Speaker 1: had asked about just suggestions for podcast topics, things people
Speaker 1: wanted to hear about, a lot of people did mention
Speaker 1: our relocation. So maybe we will dedicated episode to this
Speaker 1: because this people a little at lengthy if we go
Speaker 1: through everything. Um. However, loosely speaking, Val and I just
Speaker 1: knew that we were outgrowing Brooklyn in general in terms
Speaker 1: of what we were going to get in terms of
Speaker 1: the property for our money space. UM. We also knew
Speaker 1: that we wanted to experience a little bit of what
Speaker 1: it was like to live on the West Coast, hence
Speaker 1: our move from New York to California. UM. Unfortunately, we
Speaker 1: moved and then the pandemic hits six months later, so
Speaker 1: we never really got to get the full feeling of
Speaker 1: what it was like to live in l A and
Speaker 1: experience it in its entirety while the country was open
Speaker 1: because everything was closed. UM. But then also too, as
Speaker 1: time continued to pass, we just kind of always had
Speaker 1: that feeling would end up back east in Atlanta. Was
Speaker 1: always on our radar. It actually was going to be
Speaker 1: between California and Atlanta from the initial move to Brooklyn,
Speaker 1: but we both kind of felt like we'd be remiss
Speaker 1: if we did not at least experience a little bit
Speaker 1: of of California life. UM. So, as time began to
Speaker 1: pass and money on rent was, you know, super high,
Speaker 1: we just knew it was time to purchase something and
Speaker 1: finally settle somewhere because as the kids are young, it's
Speaker 1: great that your kids are only two in four months
Speaker 1: because they won't really remember much of this. But like Jackson,
Speaker 1: who was of school age in school, I didn't want
Speaker 1: to have to uproot him too many times moving around.
Speaker 1: So UM did my research was on the market for
Speaker 1: a house in Atlanta, connected with an amazing real chair.
Speaker 1: UM shout out to Arian Elsberry, my dear ariane UM,
Speaker 1: and she connected us to just you know what life
Speaker 1: would have been like in Atlanta in terms of the
Speaker 1: real estate UM market. That's that's important, and that's important
Speaker 1: property value in the trend of the market. So if
Speaker 1: you're buying a home, how much bang you get for
Speaker 1: your buck and if you will build equity over time
Speaker 1: living in that home. So for example, if you're living
Speaker 1: in New York right now, you're not gaining as much
Speaker 1: equity living in that place because it's overcrowded. But if
Speaker 1: you move to a place like Atlanta right now, from
Speaker 1: last year to this year, the property value over twelve
Speaker 1: months has gone I think a hundred k on properties
Speaker 1: that we were looking at between six and seven k
Speaker 1: for you, mom and dad. So I feel like now
Speaker 1: now would not necessarily be the best time because it's
Speaker 1: a seller's market. Um, so you're not going to get
Speaker 1: the most that you can for it, and you have
Speaker 1: to look at trends over a long period of time
Speaker 1: just in the immediate, right right short term. And a
Speaker 1: lot of it too was just us wanting to have
Speaker 1: well home base for the children, having more space as
Speaker 1: our family continue to grow, proximity to other family members
Speaker 1: for help. Our village is important to us. So being
Speaker 1: back east is important because majority pretty much all of
Speaker 1: DeVos families in New York. Still we have some family
Speaker 1: in Virginia. I have some in Florida. So this seemed
Speaker 1: like a good midway point for went to access as
Speaker 1: easily if we needed to. Um. Almost important was early
Speaker 1: childhood education. I was just going to say that, Um,
Speaker 1: the biggest factor now once we knew we wanted to
Speaker 1: move to Georgia's like, Okay, what areas do we move
Speaker 1: into that are going to be you know, safe, that
Speaker 1: are going to have great schools if we decided to
Speaker 1: go public, Like, those are the things that you want
Speaker 1: to also take into consideration when you have children. And
Speaker 1: the most important thing as as a man and a
Speaker 1: provider was my earning potential living where I live. So,
Speaker 1: for example, I always did a cost analysis of how
Speaker 1: much money can I earn as opposed to how much
Speaker 1: money will it cost me to live there? So if
Speaker 1: we move to l A, if I can earn more
Speaker 1: money and the cost of living is higher, it made sense.
Speaker 1: But if I'm moving to l A and I'm making
Speaker 1: the same money that I make somewhere else, but the
Speaker 1: court of living is higher, I'm not moving to l A.
Speaker 1: You know, if I moved to Atlanta and I can
Speaker 1: make more money in Atlanta and the course of living
Speaker 1: is cheaper, it made more sense. For just made so
Speaker 1: much as think about just even the podcast. We're able
Speaker 1: to produce the podcast in home. That saves us a
Speaker 1: lot with studio time. You know, we just get our
Speaker 1: crew in here. We have we're all pretty much like
Speaker 1: a family now. Our lifestyle and the house that we're
Speaker 1: in affords us the opportunity to be able to work
Speaker 1: out of our home, have our staff stay with us
Speaker 1: sometimes I don't want to call them staff, our crew.
Speaker 1: Have our crew stay with us, and then also have
Speaker 1: my parents here as well to help out the children. Um.
Speaker 1: In terms of lifestyle, Devil and I used to go
Speaker 1: out a lot more of course when we lived in
Speaker 1: New York because we had our friends and family nearby.
Speaker 1: We're not out in the scene as much down here
Speaker 1: in Atlanta by choice. But if we do decide that
Speaker 1: we want to have people hang out, we have the
Speaker 1: space to be able to have people over, entertain, have
Speaker 1: a good time, and um, you know, still be able
Speaker 1: to enjoy that since we have we're such big family.
Speaker 1: People Ultimately, do a cost analysis of everything that's important
Speaker 1: to you in your life. If it makes sense for
Speaker 1: you to move and you can make money and live
Speaker 1: the type of lifestyle you want to live, that's where
Speaker 1: you should be. It really comes down to if you
Speaker 1: can sustain the lifestyle you want living wherever you want.
Speaker 1: For codein and I, Brooklyn was just not it. We
Speaker 1: both want to do TV film. The majority of things
Speaker 1: that happened in film happened in l A. TV is
Speaker 1: a big space in New York. But cost of living
Speaker 1: in New York and the space for the kids was ridiculous. Plus,
Speaker 1: when we were looking at early childhood education, private school
Speaker 1: was the best way to go in New York unless
Speaker 1: you were zoned for the right public school. Was fighting
Speaker 1: for the right public school spots and in the public
Speaker 1: schools for each age group changed which were good. So
Speaker 1: imagine having four boys and the middle school in this
Speaker 1: area is good, but the elementary school in this area
Speaker 1: is bad, but the high school and this one is good.
Speaker 1: So then Codeine would have had to been juggling how
Speaker 1: to get our kids in each public high school at
Speaker 1: the right time to meet their educational goals. So we
Speaker 1: decided to move down here. You pay more in taxes,
Speaker 1: and yeah, you have better access to more access to
Speaker 1: better schools. It works out that way. So good luck
Speaker 1: to y'all in your search your quest to move out
Speaker 1: of Philadelphia. UM, and if you end up in Atlanta,
Speaker 1: we welcome you, all right, So keep the listener letters
Speaker 1: coming in, y'all. We enjoy to hear. We enjoy hearing
Speaker 1: from you. Email us at dead as Advice at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. That's D E A D A S S
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: All right, are you chomping at the bids to tell
Speaker 1: us your moment of truth? Sir? Um? If I'm being
Speaker 1: completely honest, we talk so more that I forgot you,
Speaker 1: forgot you. We didn't talk about a lot here today,
Speaker 1: I think, Um, we covered so many remember, Okay, yes,
Speaker 1: do not lose yourself in an attempt to be of
Speaker 1: service to your spouse. We always talk about being of service,
Speaker 1: but you cannot be of service to a detriment to
Speaker 1: you and be a detriment to yourself like you you
Speaker 1: can you both. You can be of service to your
Speaker 1: spouse and keep your individuality. And don't let people tell
Speaker 1: you that that's not possible, because it is absolutely possible
Speaker 1: to get everything you want out of your own life
Speaker 1: and still be of service to the person that you
Speaker 1: love with all your heart. I am a walking testament
Speaker 1: to that. I am selfish when it comes to getting
Speaker 1: everything I want on a life. You can ask codean
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't submit or be complacent with anything.
Speaker 1: If I want it, I'm gonna go get it. I'm
Speaker 1: also the same way with being a service to my wife.
Speaker 1: If she wants it or needs it, I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: get it. You can do both. They do not have
Speaker 1: to be mutually exclusive. I love that. Yes, me warm
Speaker 1: and fuzzy. Yeah, I got really hot when you see that.
Speaker 1: You know my moment the truth. I am going to
Speaker 1: dial it back to the good homie. Prinice Himp Hill,
Speaker 1: who said, there you go, apprentice. Boundaries are the distance
Speaker 1: at which I can love you and love me simultaneously.
Speaker 1: That's deep, drops, Mike, that's deep. It's all right, y'all. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you for being a listener. I don't know if
Speaker 1: I've thanked you this season yet, but thank you, and
Speaker 1: be sure to follow us on social media. I gotta
Speaker 1: thank you before I ask you to follow me, right,
Speaker 1: you see? How did that? Follow us on social media
Speaker 1: at dead as the Podcast, I'm Cadina, I am and
Speaker 1: I am Devout, And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe as dead Ass
Speaker 1: is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and
Speaker 1: is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast
Speaker 1: on social media at dead as the Podcast and never
Speaker 1: miss a Thing lest