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Speaker 1: I say this respectfully. My name is Devout, not devalent. Codeine. Well, there,

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Speaker 1: I don't necessarily want to be attached to your name

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Speaker 1: neither good times good because I am my own person.

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Speaker 1: Dead Ass. Hey, I'm Codeine and we're the Ellises. You

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Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys

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Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one

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Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We

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Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's

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Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk

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Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead

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Speaker 1: As is the term that we say every day. So

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Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one,

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: Were about to take Pillow Talk to a whole new level.

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Speaker 1: Dead As starts right now. This is going to be

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna say after. This was after football. This was

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Speaker 1: after the gym, not even say after Jim. This is

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Speaker 1: during the moment of the gym. Right. I was at

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Speaker 1: this point in my life. I was about to turn

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Speaker 1: thirty and I had to make a decision, right, because

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Speaker 1: I really wanted to do TV film, but I had

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Speaker 1: spent the last three years trying to build the gym's

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Speaker 1: worth so that I could support my family financially while

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Speaker 1: chasing my dream. And I got to a point where

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Speaker 1: I was like, you know what, I have to learn

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Speaker 1: how to duplicate myself and relinquish some of these responsibility

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Speaker 1: so I can go for what I really want to.

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Speaker 1: So I remember it was January two thousand and fourteen,

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Speaker 1: because I was about to turn thirty and I had

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Speaker 1: decided that I was going to focus solely on being

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Speaker 1: the best version of myself as opposed to being the

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Speaker 1: best husband for the family. Right, So I decided that

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Speaker 1: I was going to take a pay cut. I decided

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Speaker 1: to hire Dollo two take my position in pact Plex.

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Speaker 1: I hired my homeboy came All to help him as

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Speaker 1: a program director, and I sacrificed approximately five k a

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Speaker 1: month to hire them as a program directors on top

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Speaker 1: of paying the five thousand a month rent to pack

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Speaker 1: Plex to help the business grow. And I did that

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Speaker 1: for the first half of the year in order to

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Speaker 1: transition into focusing on TV film and what I got

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Speaker 1: from that was booking two national commercials. Remember those I

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Speaker 1: booked my first co star. I booked my first co star,

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Speaker 1: I believe with power and end up becoming or Mari

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Speaker 1: Hard with stunt double and ultimately put myself in a

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Speaker 1: position to then become the actor you see today because

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Speaker 1: I didn't in that moment, say what is best for

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Speaker 1: just the family. I had to say what is best

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Speaker 1: for Devour in this moment, and what what? And in

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Speaker 1: that moment, what would have been easy for me to say, well,

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Speaker 1: you know what, let me continue to put all my

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Speaker 1: energy into the gym so that I could continue to

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Speaker 1: just be what my family needed financially. But I knew

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Speaker 1: spiritually that I wasn't in a good place because I

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Speaker 1: wasn't searching, I wasn't pursuing my purpose. And once I

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Speaker 1: pursued my purpose, I became a better husband, I became

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Speaker 1: a better father, and in turn became a better all

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Speaker 1: around man for everyone involved because I focused on what

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Speaker 1: I needed to do as opposed to putting all of

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Speaker 1: the family's needs in the forefront, and and in turn

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Speaker 1: helped the family because it allowed me to create make

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Speaker 1: more money and the develop another stream of revenue through

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Speaker 1: the arts so I love you for that, Yes, And

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Speaker 1: I love you for giving me the latitude to focus

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Speaker 1: on that and believing me in that process. Because, as

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Speaker 1: you guys know, anytime I started a new venture, which

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Speaker 1: means I had a new program director at different times,

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Speaker 1: whenever there was a transition, who was the buffer for

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Speaker 1: the transition? Kay was so absolutely as a story as

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Speaker 1: a story as you hear Dakoda in the background as

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Speaker 1: a story continues to unfold, any time I had to

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Speaker 1: do something for myself, Kay was always the biggest supporter

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Speaker 1: me myself and not it so like God. And it's

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Speaker 1: what I found out and it ain't know me to cry. Now,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna be my own best friend. Yes, Yes, until

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Speaker 1: you find the best friend who allows you to be

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Speaker 1: the individual that you were destined to be, and y'all

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Speaker 1: just happen to grow together as individuals. Fact facts. Well,

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Speaker 1: let's let's take a quick break. Let's uh, you know,

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Speaker 1: take a quick break or pay some bills when we

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Speaker 1: come back, let's dive into this story and let's talk

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Speaker 1: a little bit about what that felt like. Because we

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Speaker 1: have a lot of listener letters who asked us this

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Speaker 1: very question. So let's kind of dive into the story

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Speaker 1: when we come back. Okay, So let me explain to

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Speaker 1: you why I felt like this story was important. So

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Speaker 1: many men and women say to me, I saw how

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Speaker 1: you changed your dreams, and you were condeed changed your dreams.

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Speaker 1: Um At what point did you decide that you were

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Speaker 1: going to go after what you wanted instead of just

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Speaker 1: doing what felt right in the moment? And I had

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Speaker 1: to sit back and ask myself, like about what was it?

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Speaker 1: Because it's scary, right. I remember when I was playing

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Speaker 1: in the NFL, I said to tell myself, I said,

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Speaker 1: you know, once I make that first quarter million dollars

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Speaker 1: and I have some financials to purity, the game will

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Speaker 1: become easier because I won't be stressed with living paycheck

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Speaker 1: to paycheck and hoping that I don't get cut from

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Speaker 1: week to week. And that stress never relieved itself because

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Speaker 1: I wasn't pursuing my passions, or even when I made

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Speaker 1: beyond a courter million dollars, I never enjoyed the process

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Speaker 1: of playing football because football was always a means to

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Speaker 1: an end. It was never the end for me. So

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Speaker 1: during that time, I realized that I have to pursue

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Speaker 1: my passion regardless of how much money I make or

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Speaker 1: el so I won't be happy. And Codeine went through

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Speaker 1: a similar thing in two thousand and seven. Um I

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Speaker 1: was making a ton of money, she didn't have to work,

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Speaker 1: and she came to me one day and she had said,

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Speaker 1: you know, I think I'm going to go back to

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Speaker 1: New York. And I was like, why why would you

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Speaker 1: go back to New York? Like we you know, we

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Speaker 1: just got here. I know I'm on PU people. We

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Speaker 1: spend a lot of time together and making good money.

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Speaker 1: And she said to me, she said, I just don't

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Speaker 1: want to be a living girlfriend and I want to

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Speaker 1: focus on pursuing my dreams and TV. That was definitely it.

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Speaker 1: And also too, I had to have justification for telling

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Speaker 1: my family that I was coming to live with my

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Speaker 1: boyfriend in Michigan. And yeah, that part, but no, a

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Speaker 1: lot of it was that too. I say that in jest,

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Speaker 1: but I did have to. I was looking to find

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Speaker 1: a job. I just didn't want to be at home.

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Speaker 1: I was used to having and getting everything taken care of,

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Speaker 1: and you being kept did not make you happy. It

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Speaker 1: didn't make me happy. It did not make me happy,

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Speaker 1: particularly in that moment, because I was coming off of

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Speaker 1: being UM in school for years. I finally got my

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Speaker 1: master's degree and I was like, all right, this, this

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Speaker 1: is it, this is the real world. I was looking

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Speaker 1: forward to putting on my big girl panties and just

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Speaker 1: being the woman that I felt like I was supposed

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Speaker 1: to be. UM. That part of which was a large

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Speaker 1: part of it was starting my career UM, and then

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Speaker 1: simultaneously trying to do that while supporting you in a

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Speaker 1: time when you needed that support the most. UM. But

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Speaker 1: I'll never forget also to even dial them back to

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Speaker 1: when we first started dating eighteen nineteen and your mom,

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Speaker 1: UM and my mom as well too, in different moments

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Speaker 1: that encouraged us to be individuals and we didn't understand

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Speaker 1: it in that moment because we were just still in love.

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Speaker 1: But at the same time too, we saw value in

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Speaker 1: it as we got older, because we're like, Wow, how

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Speaker 1: are we able to even be what we need for

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Speaker 1: each other if we didn't understand who we were, if

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Speaker 1: we weren't working towards what was really going to fulfill us, UM,

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Speaker 1: to be the partner that we each needed out of

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Speaker 1: each other. So UM. So yeah, that moved into Michigan

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Speaker 1: and me being at home with you while you were

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Speaker 1: out there. I kind of felt like he was like,

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Speaker 1: this guy's out here living his dream. Although I know

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Speaker 1: the NFL wasn't your dream per se, but in that moment,

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Speaker 1: in the present moment, at the time, I know that

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Speaker 1: that was your goal. Your goal was to be the

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Speaker 1: best detroit lyon you could be UM, And I kind

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Speaker 1: of felt like I was at home not helping. To

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Speaker 1: add to that, I felt like my value was not

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Speaker 1: just gonna be UM, only encompassed by me being at

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Speaker 1: home to greet you when you got home from a

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Speaker 1: game or practice. I kind of wanted something tangible to

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Speaker 1: stand off for myself, to say, Sis, you've been in

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Speaker 1: school for the past of years of life. What are

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Speaker 1: you doing to make yourself a better person? What are

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Speaker 1: you doing to advance your career. Yes, your boyfriend makes

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Speaker 1: all this money now, but he's at that time just

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Speaker 1: your boyfriend. Let's be real. You weren't my husband, UM.

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Speaker 1: I was not entitled to anything that you brought through

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Speaker 1: that door. We had no joint accounts, although you did

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Speaker 1: take very good care of me. But it was a

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Speaker 1: thing where for that security that I wanted for myself,

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Speaker 1: especially starting to establish myself as a young woman, I

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Speaker 1: felt like I needed that in order to be um

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Speaker 1: the person I was supposed to be. But that also

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Speaker 1: didn't change when we got married and had joined accounts.

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Speaker 1: Like exactly, you just that was my mindset then, but yeah,

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Speaker 1: that was your mindset then. But when we got married

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Speaker 1: and had joined accounts and I was still taking care

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Speaker 1: of you, you didn't feel anymore. You felt more security

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Speaker 1: because you knew that we were in this together, but

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Speaker 1: you still felt unfulfilled because you weren't chasing your purpose

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Speaker 1: the same way I felt unfulfilled because I was making

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Speaker 1: good money, owning the gym and training people and doing

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Speaker 1: all of those things, and even I felt good providing

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Speaker 1: for my family, but I still would wake up some

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Speaker 1: mornings and just felt empty. And in that moment, I decided,

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Speaker 1: like I have to. I'm I'm turning thirty. There's no

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Speaker 1: more putting it off, there's no more next year. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to or I'm gonna do it when I reached

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Speaker 1: this milestone. What people often do is say like I do.

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Speaker 1: I say, well, once I reached this number and you

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Speaker 1: get yourself a barometer, then you say, then I'm going

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Speaker 1: to right, And then what happens is is that kind

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Speaker 1: of gives you a little bit of space to where

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Speaker 1: you say, well, I haven't reached the number yet, so

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Speaker 1: I don't have to take that leap of faith, right,

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Speaker 1: But then you move the post right, But finally you

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Speaker 1: reach the number. Now I've reached the number and there's

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Speaker 1: no more excuses. And once you've hit the number and

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Speaker 1: you moved the goal post, so many times you have

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Speaker 1: to face the piper bro like like, I want to

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Speaker 1: do something else, so I'm not going to be happy.

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Speaker 1: And when I finally focused on being what I wanted

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Speaker 1: to be in life is when the world started to

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Speaker 1: open up for me and my heart became a lot

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Speaker 1: less heavy because I was doing what I wanted to do.

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Speaker 1: No I appreciate Sorry, Can I just tell you quick

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Speaker 1: what I appreciated about you going back to your story

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Speaker 1: time real quick. I don't think we touched on that

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Speaker 1: coming out of it. What I appreciated was in the

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Speaker 1: moments where you were focusing on yourself and you may

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Speaker 1: have felt like I'm not being the best husband right now,

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Speaker 1: or I'm not being the best father right now. I

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Speaker 1: never felt that, and being with somebody who you can

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Speaker 1: at least say, all right, this person is like on

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Speaker 1: their own path right now. I know I have to

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Speaker 1: kind of take the back seat some days. I just

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Speaker 1: never ever felt like a back seat driver at the time.

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Speaker 1: I always felt like I was alongside you, And I

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Speaker 1: appreciate you for that looking back, because things could have

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Speaker 1: really went south with us that we did have rough

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Speaker 1: patches during that time, because we were trying to get

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Speaker 1: our footing. You know, we were still in Brooklyn, hustling,

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Speaker 1: trying to make all the things happen. Um. But it's

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Speaker 1: easy to say I'm trying to work on myself and

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Speaker 1: then you really just kind of nose dive into yourself

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Speaker 1: and forget about what's happening around you. Um. But you

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Speaker 1: definitely found a way to just finess that where I

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Speaker 1: just never felt like, you know, yes you worked a

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Speaker 1: lot of hours, Yes you were gone a lot, but

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Speaker 1: I always felt like it was for us. Yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I mean everything is for you, But even even the

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Speaker 1: story time was me being a better version of myself

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Speaker 1: for y'all. So I guess that's probably why you never

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Speaker 1: felt that way. Because once you choose to be married,

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Speaker 1: like we always talk about, you choose to be of service,

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Speaker 1: right so everything I was doing, I was doing with

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Speaker 1: the mindset like I have to do this so that

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Speaker 1: I can be better for them. And at the time,

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Speaker 1: this was before Cairo Kaz in Dakota, it was just

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Speaker 1: you and Jackson, and I remember specifically when it clicked

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Speaker 1: to me. At the time, I was waking up super

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Speaker 1: early and training Daniel Gene had to train, had to

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Speaker 1: be at the gym at five o'clock, remember, which means

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Speaker 1: I had to be up at four or fifteen just

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Speaker 1: to be ready to go to the gym, right and

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Speaker 1: then my last client were my prototype Moms at nine o'clock,

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Speaker 1: so I didn't get done until ten o'clock at night.

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Speaker 1: So it'll be ten o'clock at night. You and I

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Speaker 1: would drive back circle for parking, uh, finally get Jackson

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Speaker 1: to bed. Didn't really have time for ourselves. I had

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Speaker 1: to be up at four o'clock to go train Jane

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Speaker 1: Daniel Jean, then come back home take Jackson to school,

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Speaker 1: and I just I just felt like I didn't have

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Speaker 1: enough time to be president at home. So the push

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Speaker 1: for me to do what I needed for myself was

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Speaker 1: and we talked about this too. If you had to

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Speaker 1: describe wealth in one word, it's time. I needed more time,

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Speaker 1: and the only way I could get more time for

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Speaker 1: my family was to find a way to turn my

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Speaker 1: passion into my paycheck. This way, I could make more

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Speaker 1: money doing what I love in less amount of time.

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Speaker 1: Like I didn't, I knew I couldn't survive working sixteen

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Speaker 1: hours a day, you know, go you know pay, you know,

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Speaker 1: taking client after client after client, and doing class after

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Speaker 1: class after class. It was extremely luca lucrative for us,

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Speaker 1: extremely lucrative. But I couldn't last that way. And you

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Speaker 1: and I during that time, remember this was coming out

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Speaker 1: of Jackson. We were struggling as a married couple because

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Speaker 1: this was the first five years of our marriage. And

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Speaker 1: I think this was year four, and you and I

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Speaker 1: were like on the brink of not knowing whether or

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Speaker 1: not this was going to be a forever thing. You know,

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Speaker 1: we always talked about, you know, knowing now that divorces

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Speaker 1: off the table. But in that moment year four, I

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Speaker 1: was unhappy because I wasn't living in my purpose. Codeine

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Speaker 1: wasn't living in her purpose. She was doing makeup, and

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Speaker 1: as much as she loved makeup, that's not what she

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Speaker 1: really wanted to do. So we were both living and

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Speaker 1: existing for the marriage, which sounds crazy, right. If you

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Speaker 1: do everything right, if you do everything for the marriage

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Speaker 1: or everything that's supposed to make the marriage better, you

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Speaker 1: feel like you'll be happy until you're not happy. So

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Speaker 1: you're working in an industry where you're not happy because

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Speaker 1: you're helping make bring more money into the house. I'm

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Speaker 1: working in an industry than I'm not happy because I'm

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Speaker 1: bringing more money in the house. We're both making more money,

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Speaker 1: we're able to do the things that we want to do,

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Speaker 1: and we're both unhappy because we're not living in our purpose.

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Speaker 1: And that's where individuality comes in. I'm gonna go to

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Speaker 1: this um quote from the psychoanalysts Eric from once wrote

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Speaker 1: in love, the paradox occurs that two beings become one

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Speaker 1: and yet remained too. When two people fall in love,

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Speaker 1: they experienced themselves and each other as separate individuals with

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Speaker 1: distinct identities and their own identities, interests, and friends. Their

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Speaker 1: individuality makes them interesting to each other. But often making

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Speaker 1: a commitment to your spouse often inadvertently comes at the

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Speaker 1: at the cost of your commitment to yourself. But how

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Speaker 1: do you put yourself first without neglecting your spouse. Man,

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Speaker 1: that question right there is Listen, that's so deep. There's

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Speaker 1: a there's a balancing act because how many times have you,

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Speaker 1: for example, said that you felt like I was only

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Speaker 1: thinking about you myself and not you, when in turn,

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Speaker 1: I feel like all I do is think about you

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Speaker 1: and not myself. And how does that translate for couples.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure that's a lot of times. But people have

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Speaker 1: the utmost expectation or the intent to make their spouse

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Speaker 1: feel like they're number one on the list of things

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Speaker 1: to do. But is it always received that way? Probably not?

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Speaker 1: Probably not, because I know that's been a lot of

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Speaker 1: our issues over the years, feeling as if I am

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Speaker 1: number one in your life and not just saying that

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Speaker 1: the person is number one in your life. Well, I

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Speaker 1: think what the first step is acknowledging that I have

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Speaker 1: to continue to be an individual because my wife fell

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Speaker 1: in love with me and the individual, right, She didn't

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Speaker 1: fall in love with the guy that was trying to

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Speaker 1: conform to be what she needed. She fell in love

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Speaker 1: with the individual. And it's it's realizing that. Right, there's

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Speaker 1: an old myth, right, one of my uncle's. I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to say which one was, Just like, if you

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Speaker 1: want to keep your wife on her toes, don't come

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Speaker 1: home the same time every night, because once you become

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Speaker 1: too predictableity, yes, once you become too predictable, then it

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Speaker 1: becomes boring, you know. And once it becomes boring, then

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Speaker 1: it's just like it's lost his fire. And I never

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Speaker 1: understood what he meant in that, But now I really

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Speaker 1: understand what he meant. It's like, you live your life

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Speaker 1: every single day, but my wife wants this, my wife

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Speaker 1: wants this, my wife needs just my wife needs that,

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Speaker 1: and we constantly talk about being of service. Right, that

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Speaker 1: can become boring because now you become predictable and the

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Speaker 1: fact that your wife always knows that you're focused on

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Speaker 1: her needs. Right, But DEVO also has to invest in Devo.

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Speaker 1: You fell in love with devow, the DEVO that chased

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Speaker 1: his dreams, the devou that chased his own ambitions, the

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00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,720
Speaker 1: VOW that had his own free thoughts, not the DEVO

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Speaker 1: that just said whatever his wife wanted him to say.

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Speaker 1: But how often do we watch couples and now it's

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00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:53,240
Speaker 1: like they've merged into one being and there's no individual

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00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,560
Speaker 1: thoughts between the two, Like they sit down and you're like,

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00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:59,399
Speaker 1: they literally repeat each other all the time. Literally and

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Speaker 1: also too for us, I think it's difficult because we've

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Speaker 1: built a brand around de valin Codeine, so we've even

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00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,320
Speaker 1: had the conversation even with our manager recently, like, hey,

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00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:13,200
Speaker 1: people have to still understand that Devalin Codinies are the

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00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,160
Speaker 1: elis is with the children and we're married, but we're

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00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:19,200
Speaker 1: also separate entities. We need to be addressed as such,

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00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,880
Speaker 1: we need to be compensated as such. Um, how many

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Speaker 1: times have you achieved something and people are like congratulations

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00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,639
Speaker 1: Codeine and Deval you know, all the time, all the time.

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Speaker 1: So but what let me throw a monkey wrench. I

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Speaker 1: guess into this scenario, you fall in love with an

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Speaker 1: individual the way they are, and you want them to

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Speaker 1: be that individual. But what happens when that individual over

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00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:47,119
Speaker 1: time changes or grows and it's no longer that person

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Speaker 1: that you fell in love with. Does that become a

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Speaker 1: deal breaker or do you work with the individual that

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Speaker 1: person is becoming for the greater good of staying united

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Speaker 1: as too? Well, I can't speak for everyone else, but

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Speaker 1: you are not anywhere remotely close to the person I

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00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:14,080
Speaker 1: twenty years ago. You you are not like, yeah, there's

363
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:18,280
Speaker 1: definitely pros and cons, But I've also fell in love

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Speaker 1: with the idea of continuously getting to know who you are.

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Speaker 1: Because people of to ask, right, how do y'all keep

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00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,840
Speaker 1: things spicy? Well, I don't know Codeine like I knew

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Speaker 1: her at eighteen, So it would be in my best

368
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Speaker 1: interest to continue to date Codeine even in twelve years

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Speaker 1: of marriage, twenty years of being in a relationship, so

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Speaker 1: I can get to know like, oh she's into this

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Speaker 1: now you know old snaps, she's not into that any longer.

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Speaker 1: And those things continuously pique my interests. But also it

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Speaker 1: allows me to find different ways too. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to say impress you, but to keep your attention. That's

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Speaker 1: how you keep the fire up. Right, understanding that my

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00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:03,280
Speaker 1: wife is an individual, and understanding that as an individual,

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Speaker 1: I have to continuously fight for her attention. I have

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00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,080
Speaker 1: to continuously you know what I'm saying, And you do

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00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,000
Speaker 1: that in the dating process. And that's what's fun about dating. Right,

380
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,200
Speaker 1: You pick up your phone, you text that person, and

381
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,919
Speaker 1: how long is it gonna take this person? Text back? Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: let me see if they're available for dinner tonight. Oh

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00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,520
Speaker 1: they're not. Available tonight. Maybe they're available touesday. Let me

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Speaker 1: wait like that whole. The anxiety that comes from seeing

385
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Speaker 1: if this person is going to be deliberate about spending

386
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,080
Speaker 1: time with you during the dating process is what makes

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00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:34,680
Speaker 1: it fun. The same thing has to happen when you're married. Right,

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Speaker 1: If I already know I want to come home, They're

389
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,439
Speaker 1: gonna have dinner at seven, she's gonna put on the

390
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:46,560
Speaker 1: same shorts. She's gonna fall asleep watching this movie and

391
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,240
Speaker 1: hope for something to happen. You know what I'm saying.

392
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,359
Speaker 1: It's not gonna happen. We're going to think about it.

393
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,359
Speaker 1: If that becomes what life is because you two have

394
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:58,240
Speaker 1: become so predictable to each other and last your individuality,

395
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,639
Speaker 1: it's going to be a rap. Absolutely. How do we

396
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,760
Speaker 1: lose ourselves in relationship? That's substical thing. Let's talk about

397
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:08,000
Speaker 1: how we lose ourselves in relationships. So in the dating phase,

398
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,840
Speaker 1: we often present the best, right and the most attentive,

399
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,960
Speaker 1: okay version of ourselves in order to win the affection

400
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:20,640
Speaker 1: of our part So we are performing right, and then

401
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,119
Speaker 1: in turn, our spouse does not recognize the parts of

402
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:27,359
Speaker 1: us that are not in service to them. Many of

403
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,119
Speaker 1: us learned that being in a relationship with a romantic partner,

404
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:34,160
Speaker 1: we need to make certain sacrifices and compromises all the time.

405
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:37,080
Speaker 1: Sometimes we feel the need to hide a part of

406
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,359
Speaker 1: ourselves that may not be acceptable in order to meet

407
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:44,320
Speaker 1: society's expectations. Here we go worry about whatever it is

408
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:48,560
Speaker 1: society's expectation of what a successful relationship should be. And

409
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,800
Speaker 1: some people even hide parts of themselves from their spouse

410
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,480
Speaker 1: or not feel able to express their true selves in

411
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,320
Speaker 1: their relationships. So these are a couple of things that

412
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,560
Speaker 1: will help you to lose yourself in relations So people

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00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,760
Speaker 1: perform in order to be in a relationship. For example,

414
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,760
Speaker 1: we talked about this with the high value men high

415
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,160
Speaker 1: value women. Things right, So it's like, Okay, I want

416
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,320
Speaker 1: to keep this person because I like them, so let

417
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:14,480
Speaker 1: me perform what I think they are seeking in a

418
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,480
Speaker 1: spouse or in a partner as opposed to being who

419
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,800
Speaker 1: I really am. So now you spend all of your

420
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:23,280
Speaker 1: time performing to being someone else. That what happens when

421
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:29,480
Speaker 1: you perform, you get you get tired. You're just doing it.

422
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,400
Speaker 1: You're doing it, But before you get tired, you lose yourself.

423
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,880
Speaker 1: Do I really like doing this? Do I like going

424
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,439
Speaker 1: to these places? Do I want to hear this music?

425
00:22:39,119 --> 00:22:42,520
Speaker 1: And after a while you kind of like yo, like

426
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:48,160
Speaker 1: I never noticed this too was so annoying people. She's

427
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,359
Speaker 1: a people watching she watched people eat like she's just

428
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,800
Speaker 1: a person that sits there and holds her so she

429
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,159
Speaker 1: can hear you too, And then be like, y, why

430
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,000
Speaker 1: you choose so loud that it maybe that we're chooing

431
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,280
Speaker 1: simultaneously and you're just a little louder than me. And

432
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:05,040
Speaker 1: I'm like, who focus is on that observation? To me?

433
00:23:05,119 --> 00:23:06,879
Speaker 1: The food be so good, I'll be focused on the food.

434
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,800
Speaker 1: Then I look up and can't be looking at me

435
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:15,160
Speaker 1: while I eat your food? Stop watching me? Oh my god?

436
00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:19,280
Speaker 1: Any Who, back to the topic at hands. Um, we

437
00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:22,359
Speaker 1: just did. We just did how we lose ourselves in relationships.

438
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:25,320
Speaker 1: So you just heard how we lose ourselves. Okay, then

439
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,440
Speaker 1: there's four reasons we lose ourselves in relationships. Instead of

440
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,800
Speaker 1: looking to oneself, one looks at their partner to figure

441
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,840
Speaker 1: out what they need or want. Right, that's a codependency,

442
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:36,440
Speaker 1: you know. Um, hey, babe, where you want to go

443
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:37,600
Speaker 1: to eat? I don't know what do you want to

444
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,720
Speaker 1: go to eat. It's like you just you want to

445
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,480
Speaker 1: fit in so much with your partner that you just

446
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:46,639
Speaker 1: do everything they want to do that ultimately you become them.

447
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,360
Speaker 1: You know, We've seen this with some of our friends, saying,

448
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,280
Speaker 1: some of our friends, you meet them, they dating the

449
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:57,159
Speaker 1: Jamaican girl. They love reggae right in Puerto Rican and

450
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,680
Speaker 1: now they love Tito pint this. It's like, dude, when

451
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,000
Speaker 1: did you ever start listening to Tito point days? But

452
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:06,120
Speaker 1: now now you're a full blown Puerto Rican Like that's

453
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:07,840
Speaker 1: that happens to people, you know what I'm saying. They

454
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,400
Speaker 1: just want to be what their partner so much they

455
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,840
Speaker 1: just take on all of their lights in their culture. Okay,

456
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,200
Speaker 1: Number two, lacking the confidence to take care of oneself.

457
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:21,760
Speaker 1: This happens a lot, right You meet someone and you

458
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:24,160
Speaker 1: thank you fall in love, or you fall in love

459
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,400
Speaker 1: and you get complacent with who you are and you're like, oh,

460
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:28,960
Speaker 1: this person loves me the way I am, and then

461
00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:31,399
Speaker 1: you no longer take care of yourself the way you

462
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,119
Speaker 1: did when you were saying, and then you just let

463
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:39,520
Speaker 1: yourself very damaging art. It's just even me um after children,

464
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,719
Speaker 1: we talked about this postpartum and stuff like, I just

465
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,560
Speaker 1: want to be back to myself for who I feel

466
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,120
Speaker 1: most comfortable as in the body I feel the most

467
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:49,800
Speaker 1: comfortable in. And I feel like I owe it to

468
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,879
Speaker 1: my husband for him to get as close to his

469
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:59,199
Speaker 1: eighteen year old girlfriend back as possible at You know,

470
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,840
Speaker 1: if we don't get this, could being transparent? Right? Be transparent?

471
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,760
Speaker 1: I'm not interested in the eighteen year mm hmm, I'm

472
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:16,320
Speaker 1: not not even physically and pounds prime candeine is around one.

473
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:22,719
Speaker 1: You've gained ten pounds in the right places with every child,

474
00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:26,320
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. So if we're being honest, I'm

475
00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:31,679
Speaker 1: not looking for the one nineteen all right road a

476
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 1: little easier to travel yall Now that that's you know,

477
00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:45,359
Speaker 1: I got you, I got you, Okay. So um, where

478
00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:49,000
Speaker 1: we are number three? Feeling powerless to make changes? Therefore,

479
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 1: over dependence on your partners in your partner sets in, right.

480
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:54,359
Speaker 1: So you get into a relationship and say you have

481
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,480
Speaker 1: a partner that's just overbearing, right and they just want

482
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,159
Speaker 1: to control everything, and you just let that go. Love

483
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,480
Speaker 1: this person. I want to be with this person, so

484
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,960
Speaker 1: whatever they say goes. That's an easy way to lose

485
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,720
Speaker 1: yourself and that's not a gender trait. I've seen that

486
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,359
Speaker 1: from men and women that some people just like, Hey,

487
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 1: my partner's overbearing, the overpowering. I love being with them,

488
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:16,359
Speaker 1: so whatever they do, I'll I'll conform to them, you know, absolutely.

489
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,080
Speaker 1: And number four overpleasing their partner even when it feels wrong.

490
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:21,879
Speaker 1: Now you know what I noticed with all of these things,

491
00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:26,000
Speaker 1: they all come from a lack of confidence individuals. It

492
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,879
Speaker 1: seems like it is a weak mindset because most people

493
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,440
Speaker 1: who feel like they can't find their peace and find

494
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:37,200
Speaker 1: themselves feel like they'll find their peace in someone else.

495
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,600
Speaker 1: So if I'm attached to someone else, or if I'm

496
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,439
Speaker 1: in proximity to someone else that claims me as theirs,

497
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,439
Speaker 1: that's all I need to be validated as a person.

498
00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:51,200
Speaker 1: And that feeling is fleeting. Is fleeting because someone can

499
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,600
Speaker 1: validate you by choosing you in the beginning, but then

500
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,440
Speaker 1: once that has worn off, it's like, I don't really

501
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,560
Speaker 1: care if this person uses me anymore, you know what

502
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,320
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like I gotta to choose myself. Or if

503
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:02,960
Speaker 1: you get into a relationship with someone who's like a

504
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,680
Speaker 1: chronic narcissist, that's just like, oh, I'm gonna take over

505
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,040
Speaker 1: this whole person's being or whatever, and I'm gonna be

506
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,159
Speaker 1: whatever they need me to be. Sometimes that's that's a

507
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,480
Speaker 1: whole candle worms. No no, no, no, no, that's not

508
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:17,119
Speaker 1: a candle worms. Because narcissists often find themselves with people

509
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:22,879
Speaker 1: with low selves exactly because narcissists typically have low self esteem,

510
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:26,920
Speaker 1: and their narcissism is typically a defense mechanism to mask

511
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 1: the fact that they don't feel as highly about themselves

512
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,040
Speaker 1: as they present, so they find someone else with a

513
00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:36,320
Speaker 1: lower self esteem to feel better about them and end

514
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:39,080
Speaker 1: up controlling and praying on them, you know what I'm saying.

515
00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:41,919
Speaker 1: So it's important to notice. It's important to note that

516
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,640
Speaker 1: in order to go into a relationship and be healthy,

517
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:49,879
Speaker 1: how you feel about yourself has to be of the

518
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,760
Speaker 1: utmost important. Like it can't be after the fact I

519
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,879
Speaker 1: figured this out. You have to be strong. You have

520
00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,240
Speaker 1: to feel strongly about yourself to say, you know what,

521
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,399
Speaker 1: I am ready to be in a relationship and not

522
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,080
Speaker 1: lose who I am to be with this person. I

523
00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:08,240
Speaker 1: just want to share who I am with this person

524
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:10,639
Speaker 1: and create a life together. That's exactly why our moms

525
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,399
Speaker 1: are telling us to chill the funk out at eighteen.

526
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:14,879
Speaker 1: They were like, y'all, I don't know what about yourself

527
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,840
Speaker 1: as much as somebody else. We don't know about boundaries,

528
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:20,720
Speaker 1: we don't know what we want to establish with ourselves

529
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:24,400
Speaker 1: much as anybody else. So that totally totally makes sense now,

530
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:28,280
Speaker 1: So what we're encouraging our kids to do take your time.

531
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,920
Speaker 1: So we are encouraging our kids to take our time.

532
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,600
Speaker 1: But I did also say this to my son we

533
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:36,359
Speaker 1: were talking. He has he has a little friendly like

534
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,040
Speaker 1: we have a friend. I'm not gonna say a girlfriend

535
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:42,280
Speaker 1: because they're young each other and they do have an

536
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 1: affinity for each other and they're a loving but I

537
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:48,720
Speaker 1: appreciate him being you know, he courts her because he

538
00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:51,680
Speaker 1: for Valentine's Day, he got her something for Valentine's Day,

539
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 1: and you know, he's thinking about her birthday, what she

540
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,120
Speaker 1: would like, and he's worrying about being a gentleman and

541
00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:59,200
Speaker 1: stuff like That's what I like because he sees what

542
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:02,280
Speaker 1: I do for you. But then there's also as a

543
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,800
Speaker 1: dad saying like, hey, make sure you're with someone who

544
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 1: was reciprocating those things, and you're not only doing those

545
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:11,360
Speaker 1: things just to be affirmed by that person. You're doing

546
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:13,240
Speaker 1: them because you want to do it, not because you're

547
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:17,200
Speaker 1: seeking that person's approval, right, and then going to the

548
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 1: goodness out of his heart. But then we came up

549
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: with this model, right, and you can never let someone's

550
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:30,880
Speaker 1: looks um maybe a reason how you control the way

551
00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,400
Speaker 1: you move, right, So just because you like someone and

552
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:37,680
Speaker 1: they're cute, right, there are a lot of cute, pretty assholes, right,

553
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:42,040
Speaker 1: and yes, men and women, and this is the model

554
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,120
Speaker 1: that he came up with. And I said, I couldn't

555
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,600
Speaker 1: think of the words because he's eleven. I was trying

556
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 1: to find a way to make it make sense. So

557
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:52,400
Speaker 1: I said, you know, you should never let a pretty

558
00:29:52,440 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 1: asshole and he goes control my emotions and I said, yes, yes,

559
00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,680
Speaker 1: you should never let a pretty asshole control your emotions.

560
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,200
Speaker 1: And he was just like, She's like, so the moral

561
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 1: of the story is I should never let anyone, no

562
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:14,400
Speaker 1: matter what they look like or who they are, make

563
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:20,600
Speaker 1: me feel a certain way about myself. I said, yes, Jackson, Yes,

564
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:23,840
Speaker 1: I said, And that's not just for pretty people other people.

565
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:26,600
Speaker 1: That's even for me and your mom. No one else

566
00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:30,720
Speaker 1: outside of Jackson shouldn't be able to control Jackson's emotions.

567
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,680
Speaker 1: No one else outside of Jackson should make Jackson feel

568
00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,680
Speaker 1: a way about themselves. But I do know how it

569
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 1: is for young men when you find that woman that

570
00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:44,120
Speaker 1: you just attracted to and she's pretty, but that person

571
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 1: may be toxic, and then you let that person control

572
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 1: how you move because you're so concerned about being with

573
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:56,280
Speaker 1: that person that you lose the things that you're Yes,

574
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:58,480
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So it starts from a

575
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:02,960
Speaker 1: young age and also teaching young people to believe in

576
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,000
Speaker 1: themselves and have that high self esteem. Don't walk into

577
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:08,200
Speaker 1: any situation saying I have to change or be a

578
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:11,400
Speaker 1: certain way. And this is why I kid you not

579
00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:16,480
Speaker 1: if I had a daughter, because women have been socially

580
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:19,720
Speaker 1: conditioned to do this since the dawn of time. If

581
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:21,400
Speaker 1: you want a man, if you want to marry a king,

582
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:22,920
Speaker 1: if you want this, you have to present yourself a

583
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:25,320
Speaker 1: certain way. Right. What was the show we watched? The

584
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:29,840
Speaker 1: brig All of the the whole show is about how

585
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 1: women have to present their certain way to seek the

586
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:36,480
Speaker 1: approval of men in high society. And if I had

587
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:42,840
Speaker 1: a daughter, man teach her about not conforming to the

588
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:47,440
Speaker 1: will of a man like yo like, because that's how

589
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:51,600
Speaker 1: you lose yourself because you're just like, Okay, well men

590
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:55,200
Speaker 1: like this, so let me like this. You know, I

591
00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:57,640
Speaker 1: remember there was an episode of I think it was

592
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,640
Speaker 1: Saved by the Bell or or it might have been

593
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:04,680
Speaker 1: the Fresh Prince episode, because you know I watched all those.

594
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,840
Speaker 1: It was it was First Prince and Hillary was teaching

595
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:11,040
Speaker 1: Ashley how to get the guy that she likes attention.

596
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 1: So Hillary had her dress like her and she was like,

597
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:19,240
Speaker 1: you have to go because you know men like you

598
00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:22,320
Speaker 1: and aren't too smart. So anything he says, you gotta,

599
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:26,320
Speaker 1: you gotta go. And I was like, I wish somebody

600
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:28,120
Speaker 1: would tell my daughter to do that. Now I get

601
00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:30,320
Speaker 1: it. It It wasn't jest and it was front of it,

602
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:33,400
Speaker 1: but I wish I would tell my daughter to dumb

603
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:36,600
Speaker 1: herself down or act a certain way to seek the

604
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,680
Speaker 1: approval of a guy. You know what I think helped me,

605
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 1: I guess in a weird kind of way, now that

606
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:48,600
Speaker 1: you mentioned it. Type way. Um, having had a family

607
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:52,560
Speaker 1: or parents who were not proponents of me dating and

608
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:55,080
Speaker 1: being this way and acting this way for men and

609
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 1: all that stuff kind of put me out there organically

610
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 1: to be myself else. And I went out there, I

611
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:06,680
Speaker 1: guess into the world, I should say, not really trying

612
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:08,240
Speaker 1: to act a certain kind of way or trying to

613
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:10,880
Speaker 1: pull a certain kind of man or so that in

614
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 1: turn allowed me to organically be myself. And that's what

615
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:16,760
Speaker 1: organically attracted me to you. And we just worked because

616
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:19,640
Speaker 1: there wasn't a facade. I mean, granted, we were younger,

617
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:22,760
Speaker 1: so we weren't necessarily looking for this too. But imagine

618
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:28,080
Speaker 1: if I was conditioned or trained or as into being

619
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,960
Speaker 1: some kind of person because that's what society expects or

620
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,680
Speaker 1: men expect. You're absolutely right, your mom and I remember

621
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:37,360
Speaker 1: from your mom never raised you or Sakari to act

622
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:39,920
Speaker 1: a certain way to get a man. Your mom's oh,

623
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 1: your mom used to always be like, even even when

624
00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:45,080
Speaker 1: we when I was in the NFL, cann what are

625
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:48,160
Speaker 1: you gonna do? She still does that to this day.

626
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,040
Speaker 1: But I'm saying to Vale, you booked a show, your

627
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:54,880
Speaker 1: own show. All that's amazing. So Cadeine, what are you

628
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:57,640
Speaker 1: doing with your life today? You know it's literally the

629
00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 1: same thing. But to go back to you're saying, I

630
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:03,240
Speaker 1: think that that's really what kind of drew me to you.

631
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:07,560
Speaker 1: I never felt like you were putting on to be

632
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:12,120
Speaker 1: part of who devours what drew me to you was

633
00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:13,680
Speaker 1: that it was like, Wow, look at this girl. She

634
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 1: wants to be on TV and she's our a and

635
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:19,280
Speaker 1: she's you know, she she wears heels and she doesn't

636
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:24,480
Speaker 1: follow everybody else because at that time, the girl's our

637
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:28,040
Speaker 1: age all had on Jordan's and they were wearing tight

638
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:29,839
Speaker 1: jeans and polo shirts, and they, you know, they would

639
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:31,680
Speaker 1: dress a certain way. But you came and you had

640
00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:35,360
Speaker 1: on heels and you had on yea, and I was

641
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:38,200
Speaker 1: just like, yo, she she doesn't act like everyone else.

642
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:42,000
Speaker 1: She's different. That individuality is what drew me to you,

643
00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:44,719
Speaker 1: because it were it wasn't like you were even performing

644
00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:47,000
Speaker 1: for society standards of what a woman or a young

645
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:49,160
Speaker 1: woman should be. It just seemed like you were comfortable

646
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:51,279
Speaker 1: being in your own skin. Absolutely, And I think but

647
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,759
Speaker 1: my parents, of course, they'd still just like basic core

648
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:56,480
Speaker 1: values and stuff like that that I had naturally, But

649
00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,360
Speaker 1: I just never felt the need to have to perform

650
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:03,279
Speaker 1: or put on on to gain the likes you know,

651
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,960
Speaker 1: of men or women, you know, to to to make friends,

652
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:09,000
Speaker 1: per se, and to attract a certain kind of man.

653
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:11,479
Speaker 1: So I think that might have actually been helpful because

654
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 1: I was we've spoken on the converse side of that

655
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:17,840
Speaker 1: of how I didn't necessarily feel prepared for marriage or

656
00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 1: relationships and stuff like that. Um that I have to

657
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:23,200
Speaker 1: give credit to my parents for using me to be

658
00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:27,279
Speaker 1: an individual and being adamant about that. My mom to

659
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:30,680
Speaker 1: shout out to my mom, Karen, my mom, she was.

660
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:33,880
Speaker 1: She was big on teaching us how to court women.

661
00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:38,360
Speaker 1: She was the job, big on teaching us about giving

662
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:41,479
Speaker 1: gifts and being intentional and and being deliberate and also

663
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:45,640
Speaker 1: being thoughtful. Right, but she was also big on letting

664
00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:50,040
Speaker 1: us know that we were a catch. My mom always

665
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:51,960
Speaker 1: used to be like, you're a devout. You don't have

666
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,360
Speaker 1: to conform to anybody. I remember going through my moments

667
00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:57,239
Speaker 1: in high school or junior high school when a girl,

668
00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:02,120
Speaker 1: it's a hard time. My mom being there and being

669
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:04,040
Speaker 1: one to be like, you know what, no man I

670
00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 1: care about these little girls. Say you go and do

671
00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:08,800
Speaker 1: what you gotta do, and you and and she always

672
00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:11,640
Speaker 1: spoke power into me so that I never felt like

673
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:14,439
Speaker 1: I had to seek the approval of another young woman

674
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,880
Speaker 1: to feel better about myself. My mom really spoke. And

675
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:18,640
Speaker 1: then you know, they say, your mom is a boy's

676
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:21,600
Speaker 1: always your first crush, right, but my I always went

677
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:24,560
Speaker 1: to my mom, always spoke power in me and always

678
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 1: made me feel like I was good enough on my own.

679
00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:30,000
Speaker 1: So that didn't only help me with relationships, that helped

680
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:31,799
Speaker 1: me with friend groups Like I never felt like I

681
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,920
Speaker 1: had to join the gang or be a part of

682
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,280
Speaker 1: this group or be accepted right, I was a loner.

683
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,880
Speaker 1: Like when we looked at the my high school yearbook,

684
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:42,160
Speaker 1: there was always groups of people. You didn't see devout

685
00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:44,840
Speaker 1: in any one group of anything. You saw devout in

686
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,799
Speaker 1: this group here, that group here. Because I didn't hang

687
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:51,200
Speaker 1: out with just this group and to feel accepted, I

688
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:54,000
Speaker 1: was fine comfortable walking alone, you know what I'm saying.

689
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:55,440
Speaker 1: And to this day, I feel like we're still the

690
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:58,720
Speaker 1: same way as individuals like neither one of us. For example,

691
00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:01,160
Speaker 1: we moved to a new place. We're here Georgia. We

692
00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:05,000
Speaker 1: could easily assimilate into a particular click or crowd because

693
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:07,160
Speaker 1: it is very clickly out here, and we're just kind

694
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:10,839
Speaker 1: of like we're good. You were in our quarter. Yeah,

695
00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:14,720
Speaker 1: absolutely cool. Let's talk about how to maintain your difference.

696
00:37:14,719 --> 00:37:20,400
Speaker 1: To maintain setting boundaries, set boundaries. Healthy relationships rarely place

697
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 1: importance some power and control, So set boundaries and setting

698
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,919
Speaker 1: boundaries should be an acceptable way to maintain your sense

699
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:32,080
Speaker 1: of ine individuality, which I said earlier, boundaries are the

700
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:37,840
Speaker 1: distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Okay, Prentice,

701
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:40,920
Speaker 1: are the distance at which I can love you and

702
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:46,040
Speaker 1: me simultaneously? That? Wow? You know what? When we did

703
00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:49,759
Speaker 1: the podcast, it was years ago, Prentice, rules are made

704
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:53,360
Speaker 1: to be broken, and how you and I don't believe

705
00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:56,040
Speaker 1: in setting rules right? Like? I think one of the

706
00:37:56,040 --> 00:38:00,560
Speaker 1: listener letters were about is your spouse allowed to have

707
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:03,640
Speaker 1: friends of the opposite sex? And you and I both

708
00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:06,120
Speaker 1: were like, what kind of like? What kind of relationship

709
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:08,000
Speaker 1: are you in where you have to set a boundary

710
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:10,600
Speaker 1: on who your spouse can be friends with. If you

711
00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:14,160
Speaker 1: don't trust who your spouse is going to be within,

712
00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:18,520
Speaker 1: why are they your spouse? Right? Plus, no one wants

713
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:21,239
Speaker 1: to be confined to someone else's ideas of what's right

714
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:23,360
Speaker 1: or wrong. I have to set my own moral code.

715
00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,560
Speaker 1: You have to say your own moral code, and if

716
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:28,239
Speaker 1: our moral codes aligned, then we can work well in

717
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,440
Speaker 1: life together. If they don't, we don't need to be together.

718
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:32,839
Speaker 1: But I'm not gonna let you, as an individual tell

719
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 1: me how I'm supposed to behave and I, as an individual,

720
00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:41,520
Speaker 1: don't even feel the need. You just went away with

721
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:47,640
Speaker 1: your home girls bikinis, And of course I always get

722
00:38:47,719 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 1: d M s and I was like, Yo, your girl

723
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:52,640
Speaker 1: out here, spread out, you know, you let your girl

724
00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:54,840
Speaker 1: go away with her friend like they could be doing anything.

725
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,879
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, there are people out here who

726
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:02,640
Speaker 1: really feel like your your significant others should not spend

727
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:05,479
Speaker 1: any time away with you, whether it's with the same

728
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:09,319
Speaker 1: sex or different sex. Ridiculous. And that's my check. I

729
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:15,239
Speaker 1: got one daddy, Marson Joe. Dad definitely got you have

730
00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:22,360
Speaker 1: you have one father, but definitely your daddy. Okay, in serious,

731
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:27,600
Speaker 1: No daddy, I'm shout out to the man's shout out

732
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:31,440
Speaker 1: to the man, but I really cannot. And I was like,

733
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:34,520
Speaker 1: I would like because I don't open d M often.

734
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,719
Speaker 1: But when I said, what do you mean, like, can

735
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 1: you explain it to it, It's just like, nah, Yo,

736
00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 1: this is his voice in my mind. Nay, my girl

737
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,760
Speaker 1: not going on vacation with another woman taking bikini pigs.

738
00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:48,600
Speaker 1: So then my response was, do you want her to

739
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:51,239
Speaker 1: go on vacation with another guy to take borkini pigs? No,

740
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:55,759
Speaker 1: she's not going on vacation with nobody else period. Wow.

741
00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:59,800
Speaker 1: So it had nothing to do with the sex of

742
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:01,640
Speaker 1: who wherever the other person is. You just want to

743
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:04,479
Speaker 1: have so much control over your girl and girl around

744
00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:06,040
Speaker 1: for the hills. Who is he? Right? And I'm just

745
00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:10,120
Speaker 1: like and I'm like, dude, do you have a girl? Right? Yeah,

746
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:13,160
Speaker 1: we've been together for three years? I said, cool, your girl.

747
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:15,879
Speaker 1: I actually I said, your girl only goes where you

748
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:19,839
Speaker 1: want her to go. He said yes, And I said,

749
00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:22,359
Speaker 1: so you only go where your girl wants you to go.

750
00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:27,160
Speaker 1: He said no, that's different. So so I get it

751
00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:32,840
Speaker 1: control and I can't. I couldn't understand it until he

752
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:34,880
Speaker 1: described it that when I said, what it really is

753
00:40:34,920 --> 00:40:39,200
Speaker 1: is control insecurities, and then I we had we had

754
00:40:39,239 --> 00:40:41,760
Speaker 1: it back and forth. I said, let me, what's your girls?

755
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,000
Speaker 1: I g a right, So he sends me as girls,

756
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,880
Speaker 1: very attractive woman, right, if you ask me, she's dating

757
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:53,800
Speaker 1: down okay, And I saw where the insecurity comes from.

758
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:57,920
Speaker 1: He's afraid that she can go find someone better or

759
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:03,040
Speaker 1: quote unquote more handsome, right, based on his own insecurity. Right.

760
00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:06,960
Speaker 1: So in order to control or protect himself, it's I

761
00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:09,320
Speaker 1: gotta put these boundaries so that she doesn't do, and

762
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:11,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, let me not expose her too much to

763
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:15,560
Speaker 1: the world because something might happen me while my husband

764
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:19,360
Speaker 1: over here paid for my air fear book the photographer

765
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:22,640
Speaker 1: and was like, have a good time because I can't

766
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:26,440
Speaker 1: control I can't control what you do either way. If

767
00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:28,400
Speaker 1: I keep you in this house you want to, I

768
00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:31,200
Speaker 1: don't want to. But imagine I kept you in this

769
00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:32,759
Speaker 1: house that you can't leave. Then I go to work.

770
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:34,600
Speaker 1: You know what you're gonna do. Call somebody over here

771
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:40,000
Speaker 1: when I'm not like it. Let's be honest, like what

772
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:43,000
Speaker 1: somebody does like you just can't Like I just I

773
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:48,600
Speaker 1: love to me the greatest feelings knowing that the person

774
00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:52,279
Speaker 1: that's next to me chooses me here, that that's it

775
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:56,040
Speaker 1: you want to be. That's the greatest feeling, not obligated

776
00:41:56,200 --> 00:42:01,080
Speaker 1: like I just I love that feeling. Understanding about about

777
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,719
Speaker 1: boundaries and absolutely setting boundaries. That was the main one.

778
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:06,920
Speaker 1: On top maintaining interests that are important to you before

779
00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:09,879
Speaker 1: becoming involved in your relationship. So keeping up with those

780
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:11,600
Speaker 1: same things you like to do you used to like

781
00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:15,440
Speaker 1: to do, don't stop them, don't stop them, keep up

782
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:19,560
Speaker 1: with friendships that are important to you. When you were single. Yes,

783
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:24,239
Speaker 1: how many times have we seen two, for example, two

784
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,480
Speaker 1: girlfriends or a group of girlfriends say this, three four

785
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:28,960
Speaker 1: of them and then they all hang in, they canootle land.

786
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:32,640
Speaker 1: They're single, everyone's having a grand old time. Somebody finds

787
00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:35,640
Speaker 1: a man. It's a somebody finds a man. Then all

788
00:42:35,640 --> 00:42:38,080
Speaker 1: of a sudden, Yeah, she is very awkward. There's a

789
00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:40,640
Speaker 1: little bit of tension, you know, she she does, she's

790
00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:43,720
Speaker 1: forgot about it. She forgot about us. She's that's been different.

791
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:46,200
Speaker 1: She's all into her man. And then it's just like,

792
00:42:46,239 --> 00:42:48,719
Speaker 1: how well, how is she supposed to be if she

793
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:55,160
Speaker 1: has a man? Now? However, however, you found a man

794
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:57,560
Speaker 1: that's cute and all, but you still had your girlfriend's

795
00:42:57,560 --> 00:43:00,360
Speaker 1: who were hanging with before that. So are we going

796
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:02,160
Speaker 1: to vv you up that time? So now that was

797
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:04,120
Speaker 1: the big thing, is the time giving up the time?

798
00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:07,279
Speaker 1: When you're all single, you have nothing but time to

799
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:10,560
Speaker 1: spend with each other. But now when you guys are

800
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:15,000
Speaker 1: planning a girl's trip and she's dating someone, there may

801
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:17,799
Speaker 1: be a conflict of time. If she had a trip

802
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:21,520
Speaker 1: or something planned with her boyfriend. That doesn't mean that

803
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:24,239
Speaker 1: you always have to choose your boyfriend, but Now, when

804
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:27,000
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship and you're being deliberate about your

805
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:29,719
Speaker 1: own time, you're gonna have to take a little bit

806
00:43:29,719 --> 00:43:31,440
Speaker 1: of time from some other places. And I think a

807
00:43:31,440 --> 00:43:35,680
Speaker 1: lot of times your friends friends groups forget that, especially

808
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:37,520
Speaker 1: if they're not in a relationship. It's like, what you mean,

809
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:39,960
Speaker 1: you can't come or you gotta check in. It's not

810
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,960
Speaker 1: about checking in. It's about maybe we had plans, or

811
00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:44,839
Speaker 1: maybe we're starting to get to learn each other, so

812
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:48,239
Speaker 1: we're investing more time free time with each other and

813
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:50,160
Speaker 1: not with you. Or maybe I'm trying to be a

814
00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:55,040
Speaker 1: responsible partner and just let someone know about But that

815
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:58,160
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you can no longer spend times with your

816
00:43:58,160 --> 00:44:02,000
Speaker 1: friends groups. I still go out with my guys. I

817
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:05,200
Speaker 1: still if before COVID, still went on guide trips. We

818
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,320
Speaker 1: still go go out and get drinks. When my friends

819
00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:09,160
Speaker 1: come into town. We still go out and do all

820
00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:12,360
Speaker 1: of the same things that we used to do. Now

821
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:15,360
Speaker 1: there is a respect factor there. Right when I was single.

822
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,760
Speaker 1: When I was single, we would go to the strip club.

823
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:21,279
Speaker 1: We would go to the club, and it'd be a

824
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:25,160
Speaker 1: different type of mingling. Now when we go, they already know.

825
00:44:25,360 --> 00:44:28,160
Speaker 1: And when you have good friends groups. They know where

826
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:30,560
Speaker 1: you are in your life. So my friends groups don't

827
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:32,040
Speaker 1: ever hit me up now and be like, Yo, we're

828
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:35,960
Speaker 1: going to the strip your friend exactly. And they also

829
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:38,320
Speaker 1: know Listen, de Val can't be seen at the strip

830
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:41,360
Speaker 1: club right now, like he's married, he's a public figure,

831
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,360
Speaker 1: Like he just can't be in a strip club acting crazy.

832
00:44:43,719 --> 00:44:45,759
Speaker 1: That's just not what he's about. Yo, Let's go to

833
00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:48,280
Speaker 1: a lounge. That doesn't mean that we don't spend time,

834
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:50,600
Speaker 1: but it's also your friends group understands that you know

835
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:55,800
Speaker 1: he's in a different places life. He's not Singley'll three exactly.

836
00:44:56,040 --> 00:44:58,080
Speaker 1: Y'all three go to strip club when it's just y'all,

837
00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:01,000
Speaker 1: but when y'all going to a lounge hit me. Don't

838
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:04,000
Speaker 1: be afraid to alter plans to include said friend who

839
00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:08,719
Speaker 1: may be in a relationship. Also, that decision to not

840
00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:11,600
Speaker 1: go to ship clubs never came from codein saying you

841
00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:14,279
Speaker 1: can't go to ship clubs, because I used to still

842
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:16,759
Speaker 1: go to ship clubs. I just have a problem with

843
00:45:17,440 --> 00:45:19,319
Speaker 1: if he told me he was going to night, I'd

844
00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:22,680
Speaker 1: be like, alright, yeah, I'm not a strip club guy

845
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:25,360
Speaker 1: like me and used to go to ship clubs together.

846
00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:27,560
Speaker 1: And it was fun during that time and where we

847
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:30,560
Speaker 1: were in our life. But now I'm just not it's

848
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:33,879
Speaker 1: not into it, Like that's just not right. And then

849
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 1: to piggyback, then that statement was um to support your

850
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:39,120
Speaker 1: partner in maintaining those friendships that are important to him

851
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:42,520
Speaker 1: or her before knowing you exactly. That's why Codino always

852
00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:44,680
Speaker 1: if she's going on the girl's trip, she's going to

853
00:45:44,760 --> 00:45:46,520
Speaker 1: do something. I'm always like, all right, just let me

854
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:48,600
Speaker 1: know when I got to get the kids, or let's

855
00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:51,560
Speaker 1: figure out planning for parenting when you're not here. But

856
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:54,239
Speaker 1: there's never a point where it's like you're my wife,

857
00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:56,919
Speaker 1: now you can only do these things. It's just never

858
00:45:57,000 --> 00:46:00,520
Speaker 1: been that for us. It shouldn't be for anyone. Partnership

859
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:04,000
Speaker 1: that is healthy enough to support your intivid individuality will

860
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:07,800
Speaker 1: include the following a high level of trust, mutual respect,

861
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:12,560
Speaker 1: and friendship check check um. Plenty of room for each

862
00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:15,879
Speaker 1: person to maintain their individuality. Each person allows the other

863
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:20,280
Speaker 1: as much space as they need. Check Ways to help

864
00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:23,160
Speaker 1: make it safe for each partner to increase their sense

865
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:29,520
Speaker 1: of intimacy and vulnerability. Let's talk about the ways ways

866
00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:32,040
Speaker 1: to help it. Ways to help make it safe for

867
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:35,960
Speaker 1: each partner to increase their sense of intimacy and vulnerability.

868
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:38,600
Speaker 1: This is what's important to me. Right, when you're getting

869
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:41,719
Speaker 1: to know someone in the beginning of the relationship, intimacy

870
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:45,959
Speaker 1: and vulnerability is probably minimal because when you don't really

871
00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:48,840
Speaker 1: know someone, how can you be intimate? Now, may have sex,

872
00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:52,040
Speaker 1: but you may not be intimate right, and you may

873
00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:54,080
Speaker 1: talk about stuff, but you still may not be vulnerable

874
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:57,120
Speaker 1: because you have a guard up. But increasing intimacy and

875
00:46:57,200 --> 00:47:00,919
Speaker 1: vulnerability has less to do with the fizzical physical act

876
00:47:00,960 --> 00:47:04,399
Speaker 1: of sex and more about the openness to be who

877
00:47:04,440 --> 00:47:07,480
Speaker 1: you are and say what you need and being comfortable

878
00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:11,239
Speaker 1: to be received that way. So intimacy, for example, we

879
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:14,319
Speaker 1: joke about this all the time. Is my wife comes

880
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:17,920
Speaker 1: out of the shower, she doesn't have makeup on, she

881
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:20,000
Speaker 1: puts on her bonnet, and she still comes in the

882
00:47:20,080 --> 00:47:22,600
Speaker 1: room and lays on my chest, and she feels comfortable

883
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:27,160
Speaker 1: being her most authentic self around me. That to me

884
00:47:27,760 --> 00:47:30,600
Speaker 1: is intimacy, you know what I'm saying. That to me

885
00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:35,040
Speaker 1: is being vulnerable. Right, even when you have sex. Imagine

886
00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:37,800
Speaker 1: you meet a girl, she don't never take a shower

887
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:39,680
Speaker 1: by your house because she knows she don't want to

888
00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:42,279
Speaker 1: take that makeup off. She don't ever take her wig off.

889
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:44,759
Speaker 1: And y'all come over, and y'all have sex consistently in

890
00:47:44,760 --> 00:47:47,880
Speaker 1: a full head of wig and a full face of makeup.

891
00:47:48,560 --> 00:47:51,480
Speaker 1: That's not intimate to me. That's the physical act of

892
00:47:51,560 --> 00:47:55,680
Speaker 1: having sex. Same thing for a dude, right, dude, don't

893
00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:57,680
Speaker 1: ever come by you unless you got the line up

894
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:00,640
Speaker 1: with the Beijing. You know what I'm saying. He got

895
00:48:00,680 --> 00:48:04,880
Speaker 1: his beard and handsome. You know what I'm saying, because

896
00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:07,239
Speaker 1: God's got their tricks. They do too what I'm saying.

897
00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:10,560
Speaker 1: Or he may be bold. He don't ever take his

898
00:48:10,560 --> 00:48:13,440
Speaker 1: hat off around you. I mean, even when y'all have sex.

899
00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:15,600
Speaker 1: You keep on his socks in his hat the fresh ball,

900
00:48:15,600 --> 00:48:17,239
Speaker 1: because he don't. He don't got the fresh balls, you

901
00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:19,160
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. His feet may not be dune like.

902
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:21,680
Speaker 1: Dudes have the things they do too. They keeping the

903
00:48:21,719 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: socks on, keeping you gotta keep your feet fucked up.

904
00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:27,759
Speaker 1: Keep the socks on in that woman's house, all right,

905
00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:31,680
Speaker 1: don't you don't you let them dogs out. Don't let

906
00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:33,960
Speaker 1: the dogs out when you first met him. But when

907
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:38,360
Speaker 1: you intimate, you intimate socks. Come on, be vulnerable in

908
00:48:38,440 --> 00:48:40,600
Speaker 1: these toes. You know what I'm saying, that hack come off.

909
00:48:40,719 --> 00:48:44,000
Speaker 1: You ain't got no line up. The baldy ain't shining

910
00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:45,720
Speaker 1: on the side. It's kind of dull on the side,

911
00:48:45,719 --> 00:48:47,640
Speaker 1: but it's shining at the top. You got the colder sack.

912
00:48:48,520 --> 00:48:51,240
Speaker 1: That's intimacy. When you want the chick lets you smack,

913
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:53,840
Speaker 1: you got on her bonnet, and you got the colder

914
00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:59,279
Speaker 1: sat rocking. That's like, let's do it together, baby, Let's

915
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:01,680
Speaker 1: do together, because let's love each other and have a

916
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:03,919
Speaker 1: colder sect to some of your women be having cold

917
00:49:03,920 --> 00:49:06,359
Speaker 1: the sacs under that. It's fine. It's fine living the

918
00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:08,960
Speaker 1: cold set. You know, it's there's nothing wrong with that.

919
00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:14,000
Speaker 1: I canze with the cold sat in the sack, with

920
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:18,600
Speaker 1: the cold set, with the cold set, in the set

921
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:22,200
Speaker 1: with the code in the second, with the cold sat

922
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:27,520
Speaker 1: in the set. Grow up, girl, I'm trying. I'm trying trying.

923
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:30,279
Speaker 1: Grow up, all right. We got three more ways of

924
00:49:30,320 --> 00:49:35,600
Speaker 1: developing closer intimacy at times while maintaining strong individuality at

925
00:49:35,600 --> 00:49:40,800
Speaker 1: other times, find ways of developing closer intimacy. And sometimes

926
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:46,200
Speaker 1: you know how we did that. We traveled together. Yes, Okay,

927
00:49:46,239 --> 00:49:48,880
Speaker 1: so I reread that real quick. So yes, that's a

928
00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:51,960
Speaker 1: that's a wonderful way for us. Everybody knows that that's

929
00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:54,920
Speaker 1: when I come alive. That's when you open up the

930
00:49:54,960 --> 00:50:06,480
Speaker 1: travel when I am firefly, Yes, travel you. Yeah, I

931
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:08,600
Speaker 1: love that. I love travel, So that's when I become alive.

932
00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:10,960
Speaker 1: So yes, we have learned a lot more and got

933
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:13,759
Speaker 1: closer in those moments, but together. The reason why I

934
00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:17,160
Speaker 1: brought up traveling is because changing your environment allows you

935
00:50:17,239 --> 00:50:19,719
Speaker 1: become more vulnerable, because this is something you guys get

936
00:50:19,760 --> 00:50:23,760
Speaker 1: to experience together for the first time, but also shows

937
00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:26,160
Speaker 1: your individuality. You're traveling, you get to show what you

938
00:50:26,239 --> 00:50:28,840
Speaker 1: like while also listening to what she likes, and you

939
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:31,760
Speaker 1: get to see each other in different environments. Yeah, seeing

940
00:50:31,760 --> 00:50:33,840
Speaker 1: what brings the person makes the person, what makes the

941
00:50:33,840 --> 00:50:37,040
Speaker 1: person take, what makes them get that sparkle in their eyes.

942
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:39,759
Speaker 1: It's always nice to, you know, find moments like that.

943
00:50:39,880 --> 00:50:42,200
Speaker 1: Like as much as I know devout for years, there's

944
00:50:42,239 --> 00:50:44,480
Speaker 1: always these moments that happened every now and again where

945
00:50:44,480 --> 00:50:47,200
Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh, to see that twinkle in his

946
00:50:47,280 --> 00:50:50,080
Speaker 1: eye depending on what's happening, Like those moments I take

947
00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:52,720
Speaker 1: that little twinkle put in my pocket for a rainy

948
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:57,000
Speaker 1: day boundaries which are comfortable for both partners around critical

949
00:50:57,000 --> 00:51:01,239
Speaker 1: issues such as sex, finances, and other family members. So

950
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:04,840
Speaker 1: it's important because, as Kadina and I have talked about,

951
00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:09,839
Speaker 1: when you're first dating and your meeting people, you you

952
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:13,400
Speaker 1: meet the representative. But when you start talking about sex,

953
00:51:13,719 --> 00:51:17,080
Speaker 1: finances and family members, Now this comes down to the

954
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:19,080
Speaker 1: root of who the people are. You know what I'm saying,

955
00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:21,800
Speaker 1: what type of sex you like, how much sex you require,

956
00:51:21,800 --> 00:51:24,080
Speaker 1: how much money you spend, What do you know about

957
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:27,680
Speaker 1: financial acumen, what are your business goals and ventures? Um?

958
00:51:27,719 --> 00:51:29,520
Speaker 1: What kind of family were you raised in? How does

959
00:51:29,560 --> 00:51:32,439
Speaker 1: your family communicate? What is your religion, your political views?

960
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:35,240
Speaker 1: These are things that you don't have to lose yourself,

961
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:38,239
Speaker 1: but discuss this with your partner to say, oh, that's

962
00:51:38,239 --> 00:51:40,640
Speaker 1: how you that's how you view things, this is how

963
00:51:40,719 --> 00:51:43,200
Speaker 1: I view things. You know, Let's see if we can

964
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:46,880
Speaker 1: work this together without changing who we are. You know. Um,

965
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:48,840
Speaker 1: a lot of people have issues when it comes to this,

966
00:51:48,920 --> 00:51:50,680
Speaker 1: even when like things like religion. How are we going

967
00:51:50,719 --> 00:51:53,200
Speaker 1: to raise our kids if we have different religious views

968
00:51:53,680 --> 00:51:57,800
Speaker 1: or different political views, you know, So, um, it's important

969
00:51:57,840 --> 00:51:59,640
Speaker 1: to share those things. And the last thing is mutual

970
00:51:59,719 --> 00:52:03,640
Speaker 1: sharing and give and take trade offs and occasional, occasional

971
00:52:03,719 --> 00:52:07,080
Speaker 1: sacrifices for the other that talks about being of service,

972
00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:11,200
Speaker 1: you know when you give and takes trade off sacrifices. Yeah,

973
00:52:11,480 --> 00:52:14,040
Speaker 1: when you decide that you want to be a spouse,

974
00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:21,160
Speaker 1: you ultimately decide for a life long journey of servitude. Right, So,

975
00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:23,440
Speaker 1: I'm going to serve this person, but I'm not going

976
00:52:23,480 --> 00:52:26,840
Speaker 1: to lose myself while serving this person. I'm going to

977
00:52:26,960 --> 00:52:29,719
Speaker 1: serve this person through the lens of still being the

978
00:52:29,760 --> 00:52:32,560
Speaker 1: best version of myself I can be. If me serving

979
00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:36,080
Speaker 1: this person means I have to lose who I am,

980
00:52:36,200 --> 00:52:38,960
Speaker 1: you're not doing You're doing yourself a disservice. Yeah, it's like,

981
00:52:38,960 --> 00:52:41,520
Speaker 1: how much does this cost? Is this relationship going to

982
00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:46,200
Speaker 1: cost me? I'm not gonna say it right now, I'm

983
00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:48,400
Speaker 1: gonna say it later for me. For me, it's the

984
00:52:48,480 --> 00:52:50,759
Speaker 1: moments of when I see that twinkling as I am.

985
00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:53,600
Speaker 1: It just came to me. That's the moment You're I'm

986
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:57,000
Speaker 1: gonna keep that locked in. Sounds good to me, all right,

987
00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:59,800
Speaker 1: So I think that's a good point point in the show.

988
00:53:00,160 --> 00:53:03,000
Speaker 1: But we could take a quick break and get into

989
00:53:03,000 --> 00:53:18,040
Speaker 1: listening letters and do all those things. Alright, guys, we're

990
00:53:18,080 --> 00:53:21,040
Speaker 1: back with listening letters. All right, I'm gonna allow you

991
00:53:21,120 --> 00:53:23,480
Speaker 1: to go first today, Babe, I appreciate that. Thank you.

992
00:53:23,920 --> 00:53:30,160
Speaker 1: Is it because I'm an individual today? Maybe? All right?

993
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:33,120
Speaker 1: I love your podcast so so much. Thank you so much.

994
00:53:33,200 --> 00:53:35,560
Speaker 1: You guys have given me so many different viewpoints to

995
00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:40,040
Speaker 1: look at, different situations from there are situations from it.

996
00:53:40,080 --> 00:53:42,439
Speaker 1: I appreciate the vulnerability you guys show. What's to start

997
00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:45,920
Speaker 1: conversations or at least thinking on our own. We appreciate

998
00:53:45,880 --> 00:53:50,239
Speaker 1: the whole points, the whole point. So here's so, here's

999
00:53:50,239 --> 00:53:54,600
Speaker 1: my complaint. I got married at two years old and

1000
00:53:54,960 --> 00:53:57,840
Speaker 1: became a mom at twenty three. My husband, five years older,

1001
00:53:58,000 --> 00:54:01,360
Speaker 1: is my longtime friend from the lock. Okay, I always

1002
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,560
Speaker 1: knew he liked me, but always played games because I

1003
00:54:03,640 --> 00:54:06,040
Speaker 1: knew he wasn't exactly what I wanted at that time.

1004
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:08,480
Speaker 1: We got married because he asked, and I really didn't

1005
00:54:08,560 --> 00:54:11,600
Speaker 1: think he was serious. Wow, that swapping when you're young,

1006
00:54:12,640 --> 00:54:15,759
Speaker 1: let's get married. I think come on, was joking. Now

1007
00:54:15,800 --> 00:54:19,400
Speaker 1: we're married with a baby. What I know? He was

1008
00:54:19,440 --> 00:54:21,560
Speaker 1: a nice breath of fresh air from the guys I

1009
00:54:21,640 --> 00:54:24,000
Speaker 1: used to deal with. But about six months into the marriage,

1010
00:54:24,160 --> 00:54:27,080
Speaker 1: I started telling myself that the very reason I didn't

1011
00:54:27,080 --> 00:54:29,840
Speaker 1: want to be with him is because he's boring. We

1012
00:54:29,880 --> 00:54:32,359
Speaker 1: don't do anything. We don't go anywhere, even to watch

1013
00:54:32,440 --> 00:54:35,320
Speaker 1: movie at home. He's falling asleep while we're watching. Anytime

1014
00:54:35,320 --> 00:54:38,160
Speaker 1: I voiced my complaints, it's fixed for a day and

1015
00:54:38,160 --> 00:54:40,280
Speaker 1: then back to the same mold. That's typically how it works.

1016
00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:43,120
Speaker 1: He also was very unmotivated, a dreamer. I would say.

1017
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:45,360
Speaker 1: He talks about owning a media company and having a

1018
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:47,359
Speaker 1: comic book series, but the last time I saw him

1019
00:54:47,360 --> 00:54:50,399
Speaker 1: write anything was back in two thousand nineteen. Right now,

1020
00:54:50,440 --> 00:54:52,640
Speaker 1: we're staying at my sister's due to financial reason, and

1021
00:54:52,680 --> 00:54:54,879
Speaker 1: all he does every day after the shift at work

1022
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:57,160
Speaker 1: is played video games two wee hours in the morning.

1023
00:54:57,440 --> 00:55:00,279
Speaker 1: My thing is, I know now that getting I read

1024
00:55:00,360 --> 00:55:02,880
Speaker 1: so young was silly, and now that it's going to

1025
00:55:02,960 --> 00:55:05,520
Speaker 1: be five years later, a lot for me has changed

1026
00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:07,640
Speaker 1: as of what I want for my life, and for him,

1027
00:55:07,960 --> 00:55:11,120
Speaker 1: everything seems hunky dory. Like I mean, the man expects me,

1028
00:55:11,520 --> 00:55:14,560
Speaker 1: while being a stay at home mom and a full

1029
00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:17,200
Speaker 1: time student, to find him a higher paying job and

1030
00:55:17,239 --> 00:55:20,279
Speaker 1: apply to it. For him, I barely knew myself before

1031
00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:22,839
Speaker 1: I got married, and now that I'm getting to know

1032
00:55:22,960 --> 00:55:25,440
Speaker 1: me and being a mom, I feel like I have

1033
00:55:25,560 --> 00:55:28,200
Speaker 1: to literally build him from the bottom up while he

1034
00:55:28,320 --> 00:55:31,680
Speaker 1: just sits around and plays video games. He's a good dad,

1035
00:55:31,840 --> 00:55:35,440
Speaker 1: very affectionate, and I love those qualities. However, those qualities

1036
00:55:35,440 --> 00:55:37,839
Speaker 1: aren't sustainable to have a quality life. Well, to be honest,

1037
00:55:37,920 --> 00:55:39,960
Speaker 1: it don't seem like neither onecause he's doing anything to

1038
00:55:39,960 --> 00:55:41,960
Speaker 1: have a stay the quality life. She is stay at

1039
00:55:41,960 --> 00:55:44,200
Speaker 1: home mom, and she's in school full time. Maybe she's

1040
00:55:44,200 --> 00:55:47,440
Speaker 1: because she's younger, so remember she's working to get herself together.

1041
00:55:47,480 --> 00:55:52,560
Speaker 1: She's twenty two. She's okay, they got married at three? No,

1042
00:55:52,760 --> 00:55:57,359
Speaker 1: he's I got married and became mom at twenty three

1043
00:55:57,600 --> 00:55:59,720
Speaker 1: and he's five years old. And now they've been married

1044
00:55:59,760 --> 00:56:03,279
Speaker 1: for or how long it was? Five years later? Where

1045
00:56:03,280 --> 00:56:05,080
Speaker 1: did she say that? Down here? My thing is, I

1046
00:56:05,160 --> 00:56:07,520
Speaker 1: know they're getting married so young with silly and now

1047
00:56:07,600 --> 00:56:12,359
Speaker 1: there's going to be five years later. Yes, yes, I see.

1048
00:56:12,480 --> 00:56:14,680
Speaker 1: Oh still in school? What school you was in school

1049
00:56:14,680 --> 00:56:17,919
Speaker 1: for from? From eighteen? We're going to school? What school

1050
00:56:17,920 --> 00:56:20,719
Speaker 1: you go to school for? Ten years? Maybe she went

1051
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:23,279
Speaker 1: medicine and said she might be a doctor. All right,

1052
00:56:23,320 --> 00:56:25,480
Speaker 1: so let me say she might be being a doctor.

1053
00:56:25,640 --> 00:56:29,520
Speaker 1: My thing is, oftentimes people don't realize that you are

1054
00:56:29,800 --> 00:56:32,360
Speaker 1: the same person that you married, and everything that you

1055
00:56:32,480 --> 00:56:35,319
Speaker 1: complain about you are as well. But she says, I

1056
00:56:35,360 --> 00:56:38,319
Speaker 1: don't want to leave, but I don't know if I'm

1057
00:56:38,360 --> 00:56:42,720
Speaker 1: walking away too soon. Here's the truth. They got married

1058
00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:44,919
Speaker 1: and did this stuff young. Even the way she said

1059
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:47,120
Speaker 1: they got married was a problem. I thought he was joking.

1060
00:56:47,200 --> 00:56:48,960
Speaker 1: He said, let's get married. I said, year and before

1061
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:50,440
Speaker 1: I knew what I was married. So there was no

1062
00:56:50,480 --> 00:56:52,840
Speaker 1: intention behind either of them really wanted to be married.

1063
00:56:53,080 --> 00:56:54,640
Speaker 1: Also too, she said, the last time she saw him

1064
00:56:54,640 --> 00:56:57,280
Speaker 1: write something was back in two thousand nineteen. I wonder

1065
00:56:57,320 --> 00:56:59,040
Speaker 1: if he's in like a little COVID rut, like a

1066
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:01,719
Speaker 1: lot of people were in that pandemic space of where

1067
00:57:01,719 --> 00:57:05,319
Speaker 1: they got really laxing and okay, trying to give the

1068
00:57:05,320 --> 00:57:09,360
Speaker 1: benefit of the son. Listen, listen, Okay, we're about honesty

1069
00:57:09,400 --> 00:57:13,800
Speaker 1: around here. Go ahead. Yes, people get in COVID ruts,

1070
00:57:14,320 --> 00:57:17,600
Speaker 1: but also people become COVID millionaires. A lot of people

1071
00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:21,920
Speaker 1: pivoted and created businesses during that time, and there are

1072
00:57:21,920 --> 00:57:26,000
Speaker 1: a lot of multimillionaires who were created during times of recession.

1073
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:29,960
Speaker 1: Every time something happens bad, people think it affects everybody

1074
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:33,120
Speaker 1: the same way. No, it doesn't affect everybody the same way.

1075
00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:35,440
Speaker 1: People who are creative and can find ways to make

1076
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:38,480
Speaker 1: money do. People who don't can't, and they use that

1077
00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:41,800
Speaker 1: as an excuse. That's just my perspective. I'm not trying

1078
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:44,920
Speaker 1: to blame anybody, but at some point we have to

1079
00:57:44,960 --> 00:57:47,280
Speaker 1: be accountable for what we have and don't have in life.

1080
00:57:47,840 --> 00:57:51,080
Speaker 1: Right if if COVID was a thing, everybody would have

1081
00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:54,440
Speaker 1: got broken during COVID, But that didn't happen. Some people

1082
00:57:54,440 --> 00:57:56,960
Speaker 1: were able to find ways to make revenue because they

1083
00:57:56,960 --> 00:58:00,520
Speaker 1: put their time and energy in energy. It is time.

1084
00:58:00,640 --> 00:58:04,760
Speaker 1: That's you don't got no energy. You're playing video games

1085
00:58:04,760 --> 00:58:06,040
Speaker 1: to wee hours in the morning. But you want to

1086
00:58:06,080 --> 00:58:08,400
Speaker 1: write comic books. You aintbode that godamn comic book. They

1087
00:58:08,400 --> 00:58:10,960
Speaker 1: ain't got nothing to do with COVID nothing. You could

1088
00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:13,560
Speaker 1: have made a comic book about COVID, that's very true,

1089
00:58:13,560 --> 00:58:15,600
Speaker 1: and use your media company to promote the comic. You

1090
00:58:15,600 --> 00:58:18,320
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. Bro, Like, if we if we're

1091
00:58:18,320 --> 00:58:21,040
Speaker 1: gonna be honest with people, we we can't just be

1092
00:58:21,040 --> 00:58:23,880
Speaker 1: be kind and say what's nice in order to make

1093
00:58:23,880 --> 00:58:26,800
Speaker 1: them feel good. You have to be accountable, dude. I

1094
00:58:26,960 --> 00:58:29,840
Speaker 1: understand he has to be accountable time frame, and was

1095
00:58:29,880 --> 00:58:32,160
Speaker 1: just wondering, you know, and not everybody handled the pandemic

1096
00:58:32,200 --> 00:58:34,360
Speaker 1: the same way. I got you, But I think they

1097
00:58:34,400 --> 00:58:36,560
Speaker 1: both need to be accountable. He do not need to

1098
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:38,520
Speaker 1: be playing video games. First of all, you're living with

1099
00:58:38,560 --> 00:58:41,520
Speaker 1: your sister in law. That's energy you wasted, all right.

1100
00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:43,600
Speaker 1: You could be doing something else better with your time

1101
00:58:43,680 --> 00:58:45,960
Speaker 1: out than wasting the energy. You know how much that

1102
00:58:46,040 --> 00:58:48,560
Speaker 1: is an electricity bill. You're sitting up playing video games

1103
00:58:48,560 --> 00:58:50,760
Speaker 1: two wee hours in the morning. That's number one. She

1104
00:58:50,800 --> 00:58:52,480
Speaker 1: says she's to stay at home mom. She got one

1105
00:58:52,520 --> 00:58:55,440
Speaker 1: child and she's in school. Right. The least you can do,

1106
00:58:55,520 --> 00:58:59,080
Speaker 1: since you're at home and he's obviously working, is helping

1107
00:58:59,120 --> 00:59:02,320
Speaker 1: him apply for other jobs pay higher. What else you

1108
00:59:02,320 --> 00:59:04,000
Speaker 1: got to do? It would have to be working together.

1109
00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:08,200
Speaker 1: It seems like accord altogether. Because see what I'm saying.

1110
00:59:08,240 --> 00:59:10,120
Speaker 1: She probably feels like, bro, I want to see you

1111
00:59:10,120 --> 00:59:13,040
Speaker 1: take the initiative to get up an apply for these jobs.

1112
00:59:13,040 --> 00:59:15,240
Speaker 1: Probably just like, well, assist you better at writing essays

1113
00:59:15,240 --> 00:59:17,840
Speaker 1: and whatnot. So then do it upload my resume. They

1114
00:59:17,880 --> 00:59:20,520
Speaker 1: should both be sitting in front of the laptop searching

1115
00:59:20,560 --> 00:59:23,200
Speaker 1: for the job, flying together. Yes, there's no one person

1116
00:59:23,240 --> 00:59:25,160
Speaker 1: to blame. Both of y'all got to do better the

1117
00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:29,640
Speaker 1: computer and guys you told your classes after studying your daughter, Hello, Hello,

1118
00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:33,080
Speaker 1: There was no There was never. There was never in

1119
00:59:33,160 --> 00:59:35,320
Speaker 1: a point in our relationship. But I was just working

1120
00:59:35,360 --> 00:59:37,160
Speaker 1: on something and you was looking at me saying, well,

1121
00:59:37,200 --> 00:59:39,240
Speaker 1: you know you were just like, babe, if you're going

1122
00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:42,600
Speaker 1: to do that, why don't you do this? No? Perfect

1123
00:59:42,600 --> 00:59:46,200
Speaker 1: example speaking about individuality. Right when you were working at

1124
00:59:46,200 --> 00:59:48,920
Speaker 1: the Hot Zone and you had to go to these events,

1125
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:52,120
Speaker 1: who took you me? I was working right when your

1126
00:59:52,160 --> 00:59:54,600
Speaker 1: cameraman was late? Who stood in line and with elbow

1127
00:59:54,640 --> 00:59:56,120
Speaker 1: and all these other people to make sure you had

1128
00:59:56,120 --> 00:59:59,440
Speaker 1: the space? I did right? Perfect? When I started a

1129
00:59:59,520 --> 01:00:02,280
Speaker 1: company out when I started my company, who helped me

1130
01:00:02,280 --> 01:00:05,640
Speaker 1: with registration? All right? Then that's part of that is

1131
01:00:05,720 --> 01:00:09,400
Speaker 1: part of being married. For being an individual. When my

1132
01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:13,000
Speaker 1: married individual is working on something, I should be a

1133
01:00:13,080 --> 01:00:17,760
Speaker 1: service to them to help them be better in the

1134
01:00:17,760 --> 01:00:22,280
Speaker 1: long run period period. You ain't write no comic books.

1135
01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:26,680
Speaker 1: You're playing video games? Come on, son, No, I ain't. No,

1136
01:00:27,440 --> 01:00:30,160
Speaker 1: you don't get and I ain't you ain't getting the

1137
01:00:30,200 --> 01:00:33,440
Speaker 1: COVID past neither. I'm tired of COVID. I furnishan come

1138
01:00:33,480 --> 01:00:35,600
Speaker 1: here for eleven months. They said it's because of COVID.

1139
01:00:36,200 --> 01:00:37,880
Speaker 1: I went to get my car. They're telling me it's

1140
01:00:37,920 --> 01:00:40,840
Speaker 1: delayed three months. It's because of COVID. I didn't know

1141
01:00:40,880 --> 01:00:43,640
Speaker 1: cars could get COVID. It's walking into air beds until

1142
01:00:43,640 --> 01:00:46,680
Speaker 1: we get our ship. I'm just tying tired everybody using

1143
01:00:46,720 --> 01:00:49,040
Speaker 1: COVID as an excuse, like, come on, we gotta at

1144
01:00:49,040 --> 01:00:51,360
Speaker 1: some point get it together, and that is a fact.

1145
01:00:51,400 --> 01:00:52,720
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I just kind of lost it there because

1146
01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:59,120
Speaker 1: I furnitshanded coming. We moved last year. The damn kitchen table.

1147
01:00:59,160 --> 01:01:01,280
Speaker 1: We're gonna use this folding table for the rest of

1148
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:04,440
Speaker 1: of our lives. These kids trash everything anyway, so whatever.

1149
01:01:05,040 --> 01:01:07,400
Speaker 1: Al Right, onto the second one. Hey, Conenian DeVoe. I

1150
01:01:07,400 --> 01:01:09,560
Speaker 1: love your podcast and look forward to the weekly episode

1151
01:01:09,600 --> 01:01:13,440
Speaker 1: drop every Wednesday morning. Thank you. I'm writing today to

1152
01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:16,520
Speaker 1: ask you about your decision to relocate to Atlanta. Me,

1153
01:01:16,680 --> 01:01:19,160
Speaker 1: my husband, and our two boys, aged two and five

1154
01:01:19,280 --> 01:01:22,560
Speaker 1: four months currently live in Philadelphia, PA. And we've been

1155
01:01:22,600 --> 01:01:24,840
Speaker 1: here for ten plus years. As our boys grow to

1156
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:27,800
Speaker 1: be school aged, we're giving more thought to where we

1157
01:01:27,840 --> 01:01:30,240
Speaker 1: want to buy a nice, single family home and settle

1158
01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:32,480
Speaker 1: our roots. I have a good amount of family in

1159
01:01:32,520 --> 01:01:34,520
Speaker 1: Atlanta and have been thinking about moving down there ever

1160
01:01:34,600 --> 01:01:36,840
Speaker 1: since I left to go to college. We think the

1161
01:01:36,880 --> 01:01:39,360
Speaker 1: time is finally right and we are planning to make

1162
01:01:39,360 --> 01:01:42,120
Speaker 1: the next move to Atlanta within the next year. Can

1163
01:01:42,160 --> 01:01:44,400
Speaker 1: you please talk about the factors that led you to

1164
01:01:44,560 --> 01:01:47,840
Speaker 1: deciding to relocate to Atlanta. What types of changes your

1165
01:01:47,840 --> 01:01:51,800
Speaker 1: lifestyles have your lifestyle has experienced with the move, Any

1166
01:01:51,880 --> 01:01:56,280
Speaker 1: challenges to read the podcast in itself, um, any challenges

1167
01:01:56,360 --> 01:01:59,480
Speaker 1: to relocating, and what considerations you weighed in making your

1168
01:01:59,520 --> 01:02:02,120
Speaker 1: decision choosing your home. Thank you for taking the time

1169
01:02:02,120 --> 01:02:04,520
Speaker 1: to respond. Hope to see you both in a live

1170
01:02:04,600 --> 01:02:20,000
Speaker 1: show shows some day soon. Now. Alright, girls, So it's

1171
01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:21,840
Speaker 1: funny because I think a couple of people, when I

1172
01:02:21,840 --> 01:02:24,720
Speaker 1: had asked about just suggestions for podcast topics, things people

1173
01:02:24,760 --> 01:02:26,520
Speaker 1: wanted to hear about, a lot of people did mention

1174
01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:29,360
Speaker 1: our relocation. So maybe we will dedicated episode to this

1175
01:02:29,440 --> 01:02:31,800
Speaker 1: because this people a little at lengthy if we go

1176
01:02:31,880 --> 01:02:36,360
Speaker 1: through everything. Um. However, loosely speaking, Val and I just

1177
01:02:36,480 --> 01:02:40,280
Speaker 1: knew that we were outgrowing Brooklyn in general in terms

1178
01:02:40,320 --> 01:02:42,120
Speaker 1: of what we were going to get in terms of

1179
01:02:42,360 --> 01:02:46,160
Speaker 1: the property for our money space. UM. We also knew

1180
01:02:46,200 --> 01:02:48,160
Speaker 1: that we wanted to experience a little bit of what

1181
01:02:48,240 --> 01:02:50,560
Speaker 1: it was like to live on the West Coast, hence

1182
01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:54,800
Speaker 1: our move from New York to California. UM. Unfortunately, we

1183
01:02:54,880 --> 01:02:57,320
Speaker 1: moved and then the pandemic hits six months later, so

1184
01:02:57,400 --> 01:02:59,360
Speaker 1: we never really got to get the full feeling of

1185
01:02:59,360 --> 01:03:01,600
Speaker 1: what it was like to live in l A and

1186
01:03:01,640 --> 01:03:05,600
Speaker 1: experience it in its entirety while the country was open

1187
01:03:05,640 --> 01:03:08,520
Speaker 1: because everything was closed. UM. But then also too, as

1188
01:03:08,560 --> 01:03:10,800
Speaker 1: time continued to pass, we just kind of always had

1189
01:03:10,840 --> 01:03:13,640
Speaker 1: that feeling would end up back east in Atlanta. Was

1190
01:03:13,680 --> 01:03:15,800
Speaker 1: always on our radar. It actually was going to be

1191
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:18,960
Speaker 1: between California and Atlanta from the initial move to Brooklyn,

1192
01:03:19,240 --> 01:03:20,760
Speaker 1: but we both kind of felt like we'd be remiss

1193
01:03:20,840 --> 01:03:22,600
Speaker 1: if we did not at least experience a little bit

1194
01:03:22,640 --> 01:03:25,720
Speaker 1: of of California life. UM. So, as time began to

1195
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:29,360
Speaker 1: pass and money on rent was, you know, super high,

1196
01:03:29,840 --> 01:03:31,640
Speaker 1: we just knew it was time to purchase something and

1197
01:03:31,640 --> 01:03:34,960
Speaker 1: finally settle somewhere because as the kids are young, it's

1198
01:03:34,960 --> 01:03:36,680
Speaker 1: great that your kids are only two in four months

1199
01:03:36,680 --> 01:03:39,320
Speaker 1: because they won't really remember much of this. But like Jackson,

1200
01:03:39,360 --> 01:03:41,160
Speaker 1: who was of school age in school, I didn't want

1201
01:03:41,160 --> 01:03:43,840
Speaker 1: to have to uproot him too many times moving around.

1202
01:03:43,920 --> 01:03:46,920
Speaker 1: So UM did my research was on the market for

1203
01:03:46,920 --> 01:03:49,920
Speaker 1: a house in Atlanta, connected with an amazing real chair.

1204
01:03:50,080 --> 01:03:53,680
Speaker 1: UM shout out to Arian Elsberry, my dear ariane UM,

1205
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:56,280
Speaker 1: and she connected us to just you know what life

1206
01:03:56,320 --> 01:03:57,920
Speaker 1: would have been like in Atlanta in terms of the

1207
01:03:58,760 --> 01:04:02,800
Speaker 1: real estate UM market. That's that's important, and that's important

1208
01:04:02,880 --> 01:04:06,440
Speaker 1: property value in the trend of the market. So if

1209
01:04:06,440 --> 01:04:08,840
Speaker 1: you're buying a home, how much bang you get for

1210
01:04:08,840 --> 01:04:12,080
Speaker 1: your buck and if you will build equity over time

1211
01:04:12,120 --> 01:04:14,760
Speaker 1: living in that home. So for example, if you're living

1212
01:04:14,760 --> 01:04:17,560
Speaker 1: in New York right now, you're not gaining as much

1213
01:04:17,600 --> 01:04:20,920
Speaker 1: equity living in that place because it's overcrowded. But if

1214
01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:23,880
Speaker 1: you move to a place like Atlanta right now, from

1215
01:04:23,960 --> 01:04:27,080
Speaker 1: last year to this year, the property value over twelve

1216
01:04:27,080 --> 01:04:30,720
Speaker 1: months has gone I think a hundred k on properties

1217
01:04:30,720 --> 01:04:33,320
Speaker 1: that we were looking at between six and seven k

1218
01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:35,600
Speaker 1: for you, mom and dad. So I feel like now

1219
01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:40,040
Speaker 1: now would not necessarily be the best time because it's

1220
01:04:40,040 --> 01:04:42,480
Speaker 1: a seller's market. Um, so you're not going to get

1221
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:44,320
Speaker 1: the most that you can for it, and you have

1222
01:04:44,320 --> 01:04:46,080
Speaker 1: to look at trends over a long period of time

1223
01:04:46,360 --> 01:04:49,520
Speaker 1: just in the immediate, right right short term. And a

1224
01:04:49,560 --> 01:04:51,120
Speaker 1: lot of it too was just us wanting to have

1225
01:04:51,200 --> 01:04:53,840
Speaker 1: well home base for the children, having more space as

1226
01:04:53,880 --> 01:04:56,840
Speaker 1: our family continue to grow, proximity to other family members

1227
01:04:56,880 --> 01:04:59,120
Speaker 1: for help. Our village is important to us. So being

1228
01:04:59,160 --> 01:05:01,400
Speaker 1: back east is important because majority pretty much all of

1229
01:05:01,400 --> 01:05:03,760
Speaker 1: DeVos families in New York. Still we have some family

1230
01:05:03,800 --> 01:05:05,960
Speaker 1: in Virginia. I have some in Florida. So this seemed

1231
01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:08,320
Speaker 1: like a good midway point for went to access as

1232
01:05:08,360 --> 01:05:11,880
Speaker 1: easily if we needed to. Um. Almost important was early

1233
01:05:11,920 --> 01:05:14,240
Speaker 1: childhood education. I was just going to say that, Um,

1234
01:05:14,280 --> 01:05:16,560
Speaker 1: the biggest factor now once we knew we wanted to

1235
01:05:16,560 --> 01:05:18,840
Speaker 1: move to Georgia's like, Okay, what areas do we move

1236
01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:21,880
Speaker 1: into that are going to be you know, safe, that

1237
01:05:21,920 --> 01:05:24,280
Speaker 1: are going to have great schools if we decided to

1238
01:05:24,280 --> 01:05:26,120
Speaker 1: go public, Like, those are the things that you want

1239
01:05:26,120 --> 01:05:28,560
Speaker 1: to also take into consideration when you have children. And

1240
01:05:28,600 --> 01:05:30,600
Speaker 1: the most important thing as as a man and a

1241
01:05:30,680 --> 01:05:34,880
Speaker 1: provider was my earning potential living where I live. So,

1242
01:05:34,960 --> 01:05:38,080
Speaker 1: for example, I always did a cost analysis of how

1243
01:05:38,160 --> 01:05:41,400
Speaker 1: much money can I earn as opposed to how much

1244
01:05:41,400 --> 01:05:43,920
Speaker 1: money will it cost me to live there? So if

1245
01:05:43,960 --> 01:05:45,919
Speaker 1: we move to l A, if I can earn more

1246
01:05:45,960 --> 01:05:49,160
Speaker 1: money and the cost of living is higher, it made sense.

1247
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:51,640
Speaker 1: But if I'm moving to l A and I'm making

1248
01:05:51,640 --> 01:05:53,480
Speaker 1: the same money that I make somewhere else, but the

1249
01:05:53,520 --> 01:05:56,040
Speaker 1: court of living is higher, I'm not moving to l A.

1250
01:05:56,800 --> 01:05:59,000
Speaker 1: You know, if I moved to Atlanta and I can

1251
01:05:59,080 --> 01:06:01,840
Speaker 1: make more money in Atlanta and the course of living

1252
01:06:01,920 --> 01:06:04,480
Speaker 1: is cheaper, it made more sense. For just made so

1253
01:06:04,560 --> 01:06:06,800
Speaker 1: much as think about just even the podcast. We're able

1254
01:06:06,840 --> 01:06:09,000
Speaker 1: to produce the podcast in home. That saves us a

1255
01:06:09,000 --> 01:06:11,640
Speaker 1: lot with studio time. You know, we just get our

1256
01:06:11,640 --> 01:06:13,800
Speaker 1: crew in here. We have we're all pretty much like

1257
01:06:13,840 --> 01:06:17,000
Speaker 1: a family now. Our lifestyle and the house that we're

1258
01:06:17,040 --> 01:06:20,760
Speaker 1: in affords us the opportunity to be able to work

1259
01:06:20,800 --> 01:06:23,240
Speaker 1: out of our home, have our staff stay with us

1260
01:06:23,240 --> 01:06:25,120
Speaker 1: sometimes I don't want to call them staff, our crew.

1261
01:06:25,400 --> 01:06:27,400
Speaker 1: Have our crew stay with us, and then also have

1262
01:06:27,560 --> 01:06:30,080
Speaker 1: my parents here as well to help out the children. Um.

1263
01:06:30,160 --> 01:06:32,120
Speaker 1: In terms of lifestyle, Devil and I used to go

1264
01:06:32,160 --> 01:06:33,760
Speaker 1: out a lot more of course when we lived in

1265
01:06:33,760 --> 01:06:35,680
Speaker 1: New York because we had our friends and family nearby.

1266
01:06:35,920 --> 01:06:38,040
Speaker 1: We're not out in the scene as much down here

1267
01:06:38,080 --> 01:06:40,880
Speaker 1: in Atlanta by choice. But if we do decide that

1268
01:06:40,880 --> 01:06:42,600
Speaker 1: we want to have people hang out, we have the

1269
01:06:42,640 --> 01:06:45,440
Speaker 1: space to be able to have people over, entertain, have

1270
01:06:45,560 --> 01:06:49,200
Speaker 1: a good time, and um, you know, still be able

1271
01:06:49,240 --> 01:06:51,480
Speaker 1: to enjoy that since we have we're such big family.

1272
01:06:51,520 --> 01:06:54,840
Speaker 1: People Ultimately, do a cost analysis of everything that's important

1273
01:06:54,880 --> 01:06:56,880
Speaker 1: to you in your life. If it makes sense for

1274
01:06:56,920 --> 01:06:59,240
Speaker 1: you to move and you can make money and live

1275
01:06:59,240 --> 01:07:01,439
Speaker 1: the type of lifestyle you want to live, that's where

1276
01:07:01,480 --> 01:07:03,680
Speaker 1: you should be. It really comes down to if you

1277
01:07:03,720 --> 01:07:06,360
Speaker 1: can sustain the lifestyle you want living wherever you want.

1278
01:07:06,640 --> 01:07:09,680
Speaker 1: For codein and I, Brooklyn was just not it. We

1279
01:07:09,760 --> 01:07:12,680
Speaker 1: both want to do TV film. The majority of things

1280
01:07:12,680 --> 01:07:16,240
Speaker 1: that happened in film happened in l A. TV is

1281
01:07:16,280 --> 01:07:18,880
Speaker 1: a big space in New York. But cost of living

1282
01:07:19,040 --> 01:07:22,160
Speaker 1: in New York and the space for the kids was ridiculous. Plus,

1283
01:07:22,200 --> 01:07:25,000
Speaker 1: when we were looking at early childhood education, private school

1284
01:07:25,040 --> 01:07:27,360
Speaker 1: was the best way to go in New York unless

1285
01:07:27,360 --> 01:07:30,680
Speaker 1: you were zoned for the right public school. Was fighting

1286
01:07:30,880 --> 01:07:33,560
Speaker 1: for the right public school spots and in the public

1287
01:07:33,600 --> 01:07:37,640
Speaker 1: schools for each age group changed which were good. So

1288
01:07:37,720 --> 01:07:40,600
Speaker 1: imagine having four boys and the middle school in this

1289
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:42,760
Speaker 1: area is good, but the elementary school in this area

1290
01:07:42,800 --> 01:07:44,640
Speaker 1: is bad, but the high school and this one is good.

1291
01:07:44,840 --> 01:07:47,200
Speaker 1: So then Codeine would have had to been juggling how

1292
01:07:47,320 --> 01:07:50,520
Speaker 1: to get our kids in each public high school at

1293
01:07:50,560 --> 01:07:55,280
Speaker 1: the right time to meet their educational goals. So we

1294
01:07:55,320 --> 01:07:57,640
Speaker 1: decided to move down here. You pay more in taxes,

1295
01:07:57,880 --> 01:08:00,640
Speaker 1: and yeah, you have better access to more access to

1296
01:08:00,680 --> 01:08:02,600
Speaker 1: better schools. It works out that way. So good luck

1297
01:08:02,600 --> 01:08:05,400
Speaker 1: to y'all in your search your quest to move out

1298
01:08:05,400 --> 01:08:08,480
Speaker 1: of Philadelphia. UM, and if you end up in Atlanta,

1299
01:08:08,560 --> 01:08:11,440
Speaker 1: we welcome you, all right, So keep the listener letters

1300
01:08:11,640 --> 01:08:15,280
Speaker 1: coming in, y'all. We enjoy to hear. We enjoy hearing

1301
01:08:15,320 --> 01:08:18,400
Speaker 1: from you. Email us at dead as Advice at gmail

1302
01:08:18,560 --> 01:08:21,200
Speaker 1: dot com. That's D E A D A S S

1303
01:08:21,240 --> 01:08:24,880
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

1304
01:08:24,920 --> 01:08:26,920
Speaker 1: All right, are you chomping at the bids to tell

1305
01:08:27,000 --> 01:08:30,200
Speaker 1: us your moment of truth? Sir? Um? If I'm being

1306
01:08:30,240 --> 01:08:34,560
Speaker 1: completely honest, we talk so more that I forgot you,

1307
01:08:34,680 --> 01:08:37,639
Speaker 1: forgot you. We didn't talk about a lot here today,

1308
01:08:37,800 --> 01:08:41,840
Speaker 1: I think, Um, we covered so many remember, Okay, yes,

1309
01:08:44,040 --> 01:08:48,439
Speaker 1: do not lose yourself in an attempt to be of

1310
01:08:48,479 --> 01:08:53,120
Speaker 1: service to your spouse. We always talk about being of service,

1311
01:08:53,160 --> 01:08:56,519
Speaker 1: but you cannot be of service to a detriment to

1312
01:08:56,600 --> 01:08:59,599
Speaker 1: you and be a detriment to yourself like you you

1313
01:08:59,640 --> 01:09:02,200
Speaker 1: can you both. You can be of service to your

1314
01:09:02,240 --> 01:09:06,080
Speaker 1: spouse and keep your individuality. And don't let people tell

1315
01:09:06,160 --> 01:09:11,280
Speaker 1: you that that's not possible, because it is absolutely possible

1316
01:09:11,640 --> 01:09:14,519
Speaker 1: to get everything you want out of your own life

1317
01:09:15,080 --> 01:09:17,479
Speaker 1: and still be of service to the person that you

1318
01:09:17,600 --> 01:09:20,479
Speaker 1: love with all your heart. I am a walking testament

1319
01:09:20,520 --> 01:09:23,080
Speaker 1: to that. I am selfish when it comes to getting

1320
01:09:23,120 --> 01:09:25,280
Speaker 1: everything I want on a life. You can ask codean

1321
01:09:26,200 --> 01:09:30,920
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't submit or be complacent with anything.

1322
01:09:30,960 --> 01:09:33,880
Speaker 1: If I want it, I'm gonna go get it. I'm

1323
01:09:33,880 --> 01:09:36,000
Speaker 1: also the same way with being a service to my wife.

1324
01:09:36,200 --> 01:09:38,840
Speaker 1: If she wants it or needs it, I'm gonna go

1325
01:09:38,960 --> 01:09:41,280
Speaker 1: get it. You can do both. They do not have

1326
01:09:41,360 --> 01:09:46,000
Speaker 1: to be mutually exclusive. I love that. Yes, me warm

1327
01:09:46,000 --> 01:09:50,800
Speaker 1: and fuzzy. Yeah, I got really hot when you see that.

1328
01:09:53,479 --> 01:09:55,960
Speaker 1: You know my moment the truth. I am going to

1329
01:09:56,080 --> 01:09:59,800
Speaker 1: dial it back to the good homie. Prinice Himp Hill,

1330
01:10:00,160 --> 01:10:05,120
Speaker 1: who said, there you go, apprentice. Boundaries are the distance

1331
01:10:05,360 --> 01:10:10,560
Speaker 1: at which I can love you and love me simultaneously.

1332
01:10:10,720 --> 01:10:18,400
Speaker 1: That's deep, drops, Mike, that's deep. It's all right, y'all. Well,

1333
01:10:20,240 --> 01:10:22,000
Speaker 1: thank you for being a listener. I don't know if

1334
01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:25,360
Speaker 1: I've thanked you this season yet, but thank you, and

1335
01:10:25,800 --> 01:10:27,519
Speaker 1: be sure to follow us on social media. I gotta

1336
01:10:27,520 --> 01:10:28,880
Speaker 1: thank you before I ask you to follow me, right,

1337
01:10:28,920 --> 01:10:31,320
Speaker 1: you see? How did that? Follow us on social media

1338
01:10:31,400 --> 01:10:33,760
Speaker 1: at dead as the Podcast, I'm Cadina, I am and

1339
01:10:33,800 --> 01:10:36,280
Speaker 1: I am Devout, And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,

1340
01:10:36,320 --> 01:10:43,320
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe as dead Ass

1341
01:10:43,360 --> 01:10:45,920
Speaker 1: is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and

1342
01:10:46,040 --> 01:10:49,519
Speaker 1: is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast

1343
01:10:49,600 --> 01:10:52,200
Speaker 1: on social media at dead as the Podcast and never

1344
01:10:52,240 --> 01:11:01,479
Speaker 1: miss a Thing lest