00:00:05 Speaker 1: When I invited you here I thought I made myself perfectly clear When you're a guest in my home You gotta come to me empty-handed. I said no gifts, your presence is presence enough. And I already had too much stuff. So how do you dare disobey me? 00:00:48 Speaker 2: Welcome to... I said no gifts. I'm Bridger Weineger. We're here. I was just in traffic for 40 minutes. All because I ignored Google Maps four times. I did get to watch the sunset from the 134. The entire sunset. So that was nice. There was no horrific car accident to see, though. At the end... When you sit in traffic for 40 minutes, you are owed some sort of debris or ambulance lights or something. There's nothing. So I don't know. If you're planning to get into a horrible car accident, maybe think somebody might be headed to a podcast studio to record a podcast episode. Think about that next time you're swerving all over the freeway or whatever. So that's really, we're really talking about my life in real time, and that's interesting and important. Is there anything else more interesting than me being stuck in traffic? 00:01:52 Speaker 3: No. 00:01:54 Speaker 2: I think that's about my, that's just swallowed up my entire brain. So we were half an hour late to the recording, and that's fine. That's totally fine. I, um, Yeah, patreon.com slash isaidnogifts. Go there. Sign up. I never know what the verb is. Add yourself. Hop in to patreon.com slash isaidnogifts. We're having a wonderful time over there, bonus episodes, etc. Let's get into the episode. Our guest has already been waiting a half an hour, and he's very vulnerable. He's exactly where I need him to be. It's Nick Kocher. Nick, welcome to our setting of gifts. 00:02:40 Speaker 3: It's so great to be here. Fun fact about you being late. I was going to be five to six minutes late. And I got an email on my drive over that was like, oh, Bridger's running about 20 minutes late. And my first thought was, how dare he? This is outrageous. I was like so quickly, like, there was like a moment of, Oh, good. I won't be late. And then immediately like, what on earth? 00:03:12 Speaker 2: That's the norm. I think that that's totally justified. I think that you should let that anger just simmer through the rest of your week. I'm mad. 00:03:21 Speaker 3: Box it up and take it with me. Yeah. 00:03:23 Speaker 2: On your behalf, I'm angry. And it truly is because I ignored Google Maps. Oh, it was begging me not to take this certain. But lately, I feel like it's been lying to me. 00:03:33 Speaker 3: Yeah. I've gone through this phase. 00:03:35 Speaker 2: Yeah, when I go to work in the morning, it tells me not to take this route. And every time I do it, it says it's like it'll take 20 minutes. And so I take my normal and then it's like 16 minutes. So I'm wondering why is it lying to me? 00:03:47 Speaker 1: Yeah. 00:03:47 Speaker 2: It's putting me in this place where I can't trust it. 00:03:50 Speaker 3: I like when I've been correct. Like I've been like, no, I shouldn't go that way. I should go this way. And I've been right. And that's very dangerous. 00:03:59 Speaker 2: It empowers you in a bad way. 00:04:00 Speaker 3: Yes, yes. It gives you just the confidence of God. 00:04:04 Speaker 2: Yes. And then when you continue to do that, I think that they eventually need to teach you. They need to bring you down to earth. 00:04:10 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:04:11 Speaker 2: And then suddenly you're just on– what do they call the on-ramp where it's a circle? What do we call that thing? You know, the one that goes all– In. 00:04:20 Speaker 3: Atlanta, they had a big– a bunch of those and they called it Spaghetti Junction. That's always what I think of. Right. I can't refer to all of them, I'm sure. Yeah. 00:04:29 Speaker 2: There must be some because it's not a roundabout. but it is a giant curvy loop. 00:04:35 Speaker 3: Yeah, curve. 00:04:35 Speaker 2: The loop entrance. 00:04:37 Speaker 3: A loop. On-ramp, for sure. 00:04:40 Speaker 2: A on-ramp, the looped on-ramp. 00:04:41 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:04:42 Speaker 2: That feels close enough. 00:04:43 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:04:44 Speaker 2: So what was keeping you from getting here right on time, like we so politely asked? 00:04:51 Speaker 3: Well, what's wonderful about now having a child is they get to, I have an excuse for everything. And so it was I was putting my daughter to bed. 00:05:03 Speaker 2: Oh, that's very nice. Yeah, I can't really argue with that in any way. 00:05:08 Speaker 3: And I could also just have been vague and I said there were child issues. And it would be very rude to ask a follow-up question. 00:05:15 Speaker 2: Yeah, child issues puts everybody in a kind of a bummer mood. 00:05:18 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it does. 00:05:20 Speaker 2: You start wondering what's going on. Yeah, yeah. 00:05:22 Speaker 3: I would follow it up with, no, it's fine. Everything's fine. But there was some, you know. There was issues that resulted in me being five minutes late. 00:05:29 Speaker 2: You're wondering what could it possibly be that you won't get into. 00:05:32 Speaker 3: Some horrific diagnosis. 00:05:34 Speaker 2: There was only five minutes worth of. 00:05:37 Speaker 3: My child was diagnosed with a terminal disease. I'm sorry I'm five minutes late. 00:05:43 Speaker 2: You still show up to a podcast recording. That's the world we're living in. Well, that's a very sweet thing. I think that that's totally fine. Do you use it to get out of like parties, that kind of thing? 00:05:55 Speaker 3: Um, yes, but I want to go to parties. So I. 00:05:59 Speaker 2: There's a difference between the you and I. 00:06:03 Speaker 3: It's, you know, I'm trying to think. I use it sparingly, fake when it's fake. Right. When it's real, I, you know, nothing you can do. But I try to not, you know, outright lie. Right. Well, good for you. Yeah. I think... You know, I haven't, I don't know. And nothing pops to mind. I don't think I've used it irresponsibly. That being said, I definitely will. 00:06:33 Speaker 2: You absolutely should abuse that. 00:06:35 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:06:35 Speaker 2: I do it with my dog all the time. 00:06:37 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:06:38 Speaker 2: I mean, obviously, I can't do it with anyone who listens to this podcast because I talk about excusing myself using the dog whenever I want. 00:06:45 Speaker 3: What's like, what do you say? 00:06:46 Speaker 2: Oh, I've got to get home to the dog. She's, I've got to let her out. None of this is true. 00:06:51 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:06:51 Speaker 2: I mean, she's totally fine for hours on end. 00:06:54 Speaker 3: Yeah. No, that's a great one. I've used that as well. 00:06:57 Speaker 2: It feels great. And again, nobody can really– if somebody pushes back at it, you're like, well, now you're really proving why I would want. 00:07:04 Speaker 3: To go home. The times that I've used it, I've also been like, I should have been home to that dog two hours ago. Like what am I– why am I doing it now? 00:07:14 Speaker 2: Yeah. Maybe I'll start saying I need to get home to the dog. I haven't been there for four days. 00:07:19 Speaker 3: I've been gone a week. 00:07:21 Speaker 2: Yeah. So, wait, do you have a dog now? 00:07:24 Speaker 3: I do have a dog, yeah. 00:07:25 Speaker 2: You've got a lot of responsibility. 00:07:27 Speaker 3: Yeah. And the dog, let me tell you, introducing a baby into this dog's life was the worst thing to happen to this dog and to me for the first month of the baby's life. Well, we were very optimistic that, you know, there's all these things they say. Like, our dog is not... Our dog is a very loving dog once... it gets to know you. Once you have been through the introductory phase and she goes, okay, I like you, you are loved till you die. She would never turn on you. But getting people to that point takes some effort. And if you are a person who is like scared of dogs, I generally am like, I don't know that we'll try. 00:08:16 Speaker 2: Just forget it. 00:08:17 Speaker 3: Yeah. We just won't. Be friends, you and I. So it's– there's a whole procedure and she's got her issues. Like she– we now like understand her enough that it's like– like it's not like she's bitten one person. But she doesn't bite because we sort of know how to. 00:08:43 Speaker 2: Right, avoid that situation. 00:08:44 Speaker 3: To avoid that situation. Right. Now, and that's fine. And I think we've we've achieved it's it's a workable thing. Sure. 00:08:52 Speaker 2: The one person she bit was your baby. 00:08:54 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:08:54 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:08:54 Speaker 3: No, no. Thank God. But so she's had these issues. We've we and we've worked our way around it. And we were like with the baby, we're like, what? How's this going to be? And I don't know. I, you know, there's some whatever, a bit of advice online where they're like, bring a blanket from the hospital. home to the dog to get the dog used to the baby's smell for when you bring the baby in. That did nothing. The dog couldn't have cared less. We brought the baby home. Normally when somebody comes over to the house, I meet them out front with the dog. We walk around the block with the dog. I give you the leash. You're going to now– we were tricking the dog into thinking you are now the owner. 00:09:38 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:09:39 Speaker 3: And then we like very slowly enter the house together at stages. And then once she relaxed, I'm like, great. We're good to go. With the baby, we tried to do something similar. This week old baby, we walked around the block. 00:09:55 Speaker 2: Attach the stroller to the leash. 00:09:57 Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean, yeah. To some extent, she smelled. the, you know, clothes. The baby's also premature, so just extra fragile. 00:10:05 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just. 00:10:07 Speaker 3: And as soon as the dog became aware of the baby, started growling and barking wildly. Oh. And I don't... It may have been that if we'd let her rest, go over to the baby, she would have just smelled and licked it. 00:10:22 Speaker 2: Sure, but. 00:10:24 Speaker 3: Not worth the risk. Not worth risking my child's face. 00:10:27 Speaker 2: You don't want to take that gamble. 00:10:30 Speaker 3: So then we, it was like a month, like the first month of raising any child is probably the most stressful month of anyone's life. And it was very stressful. And imagine doing that when there's a wolf living in the house trying to also... Eat the baby. And you love the wolf. Right. 00:10:48 Speaker 2: There's nothing you can do except for– and did the dog continue to bark throughout this? 00:10:53 Speaker 3: Yes. The dog barks. 00:10:54 Speaker 2: The stress that adds to any situation. 00:10:57 Speaker 3: So we got like breaks. We would send the dog to training camp for like a week, mostly just to get the dog out of the house for a week so we could like– Sleep. Yeah, sleep and just– well, the baby was born five weeks premature. We were in the NICU for a week. She was fine. Everything was fine. But it was like very traumatizing. I'm sure. And it was like immediately a wolf. So– and then– but then two months later, we did a bunch of training. The training involved rubbing sour cream on the dog– on the baby and letting the dog lick. The sour cream mom. What? 00:11:32 Speaker 2: Where did you get that advice? 00:11:34 Speaker 3: The Ukrainian trainer. 00:11:37 Speaker 2: Not WikiHow? 00:11:38 Speaker 3: No. No, they probably would say not to do this. When we did it, my mom was in the room and my mom was like this watching it. Just like, my mom was like immediately like, give up that dog. Put that dog away. Like. 00:11:55 Speaker 2: Putting sour cream is very Ukrainian, like putting on pierogies. 00:11:58 Speaker 3: Yeah, they love it. It solves all their problems. But it worked. Eventually, yeah. Now the dog and the baby get along great. The dog, I mean, I think the dog still is like, this sucks. I get so much less attention. But they– but she– You know, licks the baby and it's all good. That's kind of sweet. We completely trust them alone together. How old is the dog? I didn't think we would. The dog is now six. Yeah, six. We got her like, this is also the issue. We got, this is a whole podcast about the dog. We got her two weeks before quarantine in 2020. So we didn't know there was going to be a COVID. Right. We get a dog. 00:12:43 Speaker 2: No socialization. 00:12:44 Speaker 3: And she was a puppy and we couldn't socialize her. Right. Whoa. And now we live with that the rest of our lives. 00:12:51 Speaker 2: That is wild. So you had her for two weeks and then were just trapped because we really were trapped in our houses for a couple of months at least before you could even go out on a walk. 00:13:01 Speaker 3: Right. Yeah. Wow. 00:13:04 Speaker 2: And raising a puppy is a nightmare already. 00:13:07 Speaker 3: Oh, it's it's I think it's harder than a child. 00:13:11 Speaker 2: I believe that because a child can't chew through furniture. 00:13:14 Speaker 3: A child isn't faster than you and isn't biting you like jumping. 00:13:20 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:13:21 Speaker 3: You know, so it's like when you have a baby, the baby just sits there for essentially a year while you get your bearings. 00:13:29 Speaker 2: You put that thing wherever you want. 00:13:31 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah. 00:13:32 Speaker 2: Not with a puppy. 00:13:33 Speaker 3: Oh, my God. 00:13:33 Speaker 2: No. 00:13:34 Speaker 3: The puppy immediately. Yeah. There was a very funny thing that happened. I remember my grandfather died. Very funny. A month after we had the dog. 00:13:45 Speaker 2: Oh, God. What a COVID experience. 00:13:47 Speaker 3: And I get the call. And he was very old. He was like 97 years old. So we knew it was coming. But it was very sad. And I got the call. And I was kind of like outside with the dog. And I was crying. And I kind of like. The dog comes over and starts licking me and I'm like petting the dog. I'm like, oh, this is nice. Like, this is why you have a dog. And she starts biting me because she's a puppy and she didn't know any better. And I was like, ah, stop, stop. You've ruined this moment. 00:14:12 Speaker 2: And dog puppy teeth are so sharp. 00:14:15 Speaker 3: They're so sharp. And they, it's like, it doesn't, it's, it's, you know, it's a mixture of it's, oh, ha, ha, ha. This is a cute little bite. Ow, ow, ow. That really hurts. 00:14:27 Speaker 2: The thing about it, though, that I've kind of learned because we got a puppy last summer and I was so afraid of dog bites for such a long time. And now the amount of times I've been bitten by a Rottweiler. 00:14:38 Speaker 3: Is that that you have a Rottweiler? Oh, my God. 00:14:41 Speaker 2: Every size of her, you know, and I guess maybe it's because she's not actually trying to harm me. But it's like, oh, my arm and hand have just been in this animal's mouth. 00:14:51 Speaker 3: Our dog would love you. So the technique to getting our dog to love you, and I'll tell this to like my guy friends who have dogs, or people who love dogs, have spent a lot of time with dogs. I'm like, the best thing is honestly to just let her come over and bite you a couple times. And then she'll, and then within two minutes, she's like, that's like kind of her murderer test. It's not like a crazy bite. It's just she wants to, she's not allowed to do it, but. I'm like, that's the hack, is just let her. 00:15:23 Speaker 2: You know, taste you. 00:15:25 Speaker 3: Dominate you. 00:15:27 Speaker 2: I wouldn't mind getting one of those suits that they wear in TV and movies for dogs to attack you. 00:15:33 Speaker 3: I'd like that to be a rule for everyone. That would make my life so much easier. 00:15:38 Speaker 2: To show up in one of those? 00:15:38 Speaker 3: I would be less stressed if everyone would just wear that. 00:15:43 Speaker 2: All the time. 00:15:43 Speaker 3: Yeah. Great. 00:15:45 Speaker 2: They seem very flexible, very on the go. I'm sure it's easy to get around. 00:15:48 Speaker 3: In one of those suits. I'm sure, especially in this heat. My goodness. 00:15:52 Speaker 2: It's essentially like a full-body cast. 00:15:55 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, you'd think it's not the most creative invention. It's kind of like, it feels like, you know, fourth-grader logic. It's a little like something I would come up with. 00:16:08 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:16:08 Speaker 3: I came up with this where I was like, I put a pillow under my shirt and was like, I've made a bulletproof vest, essentially. 00:16:15 Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like we've got to move into something a little bit more flexible, something you can get around town. 00:16:19 Speaker 3: Yeah. An Iron Man suit. Yeah. You know. 00:16:23 Speaker 2: Kind of like shapewear except for dog attacks. 00:16:26 Speaker 3: Yeah. What are they called? Nanobots in the Marvel Universe. 00:16:31 Speaker 2: There we go. That's changed the subject. What does a nanobot do? 00:16:35 Speaker 3: A tiny bug that becomes your suit is my understanding. 00:16:40 Speaker 2: Protective lice essentially. 00:16:42 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:16:43 Speaker 2: Very interesting. I don't buy it for a second. 00:16:45 Speaker 3: I wonder why they went with nanobot over protective lights. 00:16:49 Speaker 2: That was the runner-up. Well, you know, speaking of random attacks and trying to protect ourselves and failing, I was excited to have you on the podcast today. 00:17:02 Speaker 3: Thank you. 00:17:03 Speaker 2: I thought Nick will come by. We'll have a nice time. Move on. The podcast is called I Said No Gifts. 00:17:09 Speaker 3: Yes. 00:17:09 Speaker 2: So I was frankly floored. when you showed up holding what is undeniably a gorgeously wrapped gift. Yes. Is this from me? 00:17:22 Speaker 3: Yes, it is. 00:17:23 Speaker 2: Okay, well, should we open it here on the podcast? 00:17:24 Speaker 3: Yes, yes. I'm very excited. Okay. So, well, why don't you open it? It's in a goop shopping bag for just the listeners. 00:17:35 Speaker 2: I'm going to reach through the hole in the side. Let's see here. 00:17:39 Speaker 3: Okay. And it's also got another bag. So what that is. 00:17:44 Speaker 2: Oh, look, this is a nice bag, too, actually. 00:17:46 Speaker 3: Yeah, well, you know, it's an autographed copy of the movie script for the film Warrior. A film... I don't remember when it came out, but it stars Tom Hardy and Joel Edgerton. 00:18:02 Speaker 2: Oh, I'm picturing. 00:18:03 Speaker 3: It's a UFC fighting movie. And.... 00:18:08 Speaker 2: Who autographed this? 00:18:09 Speaker 3: I believe the writer-director. 00:18:13 Speaker 2: None other than Gavin O'Connor, Anthony Tambakis, and Cliff Dorman. 00:18:17 Speaker 3: I guess I think just Gavin who directed the film. Yeah. How did this come into your– Well, I'll tell you. I watched the movie Warrior with my father on a Christmas break whenever the year it came out, which I don't know when that was. 00:18:38 Speaker 2: I'd say like roughly– I'm going to say either 2014. 2015 or 2017, that feels about right. 00:18:43 Speaker 3: I think that's exactly right. It's right in there. Maybe, I think it's like, yeah, I think it might be 2016, in fact. 00:18:49 Speaker 2: Oh, interesting. 00:18:51 Speaker 3: That would, I think, make sense, because I saw it, and I really liked it. I hadn't heard anything about it. And I was like, this movie's great. I haven't heard anything about it. I love a good sports movie. I love Rudy. I don't care for sports. I don't care for fighting. 00:19:05 Speaker 2: But you like to watch somebody succeed. 00:19:07 Speaker 3: I like the structure of sports when it is edited when all of the uninteresting boring parts are taken out and I liked the movie and I told I I don't know I was telling people about it but I was like there's this movie it's really great it's you know whatever I around that time I think I saw it Christmas break I must have been talking about it a lot in the next two weeks okay because what I received then that Like two weeks later was my birthday, January 15th. I receive my buddy gets me a poster for the movie Warrior. 00:19:48 Speaker 2: The you must've been talking about it nonstop. 00:19:51 Speaker 3: I don't know that I was, I think he was talking about it. Like probably he was like, we were, I think living together at the time. And I was, so I was probably talking about it a lot over this two week period. And he was like, I'll get him the poster for the movie. And while I do really like the movie, it's not a movie. 00:20:12 Speaker 2: That's a quick turnaround to a poster. 00:20:14 Speaker 3: It's also like I think even in talking about the movie, I would say like the marketing for the movie I didn't like. It looked like the most generic sports movie. 00:20:24 Speaker 2: I can picture the poster in my mind right now. It looked like a movie called Warrior. 00:20:29 Speaker 3: Yeah, it looks like a movie that you would buy in the bin at the CVS kind of like. Like, I don't know, it's just like a very, it's like having a Remember the Titans poster, which is not a bad movie, but it's like an odd, I would be like, you ever remember the Titans poster? You have a Warrior poster? Like, you don't see enough films. 00:20:51 Speaker 2: That says a lot about it. 00:20:53 Speaker 3: It's also like the movie posters, I feel like as an adult, if you have a movie poster up, it should be probably a French movie poster from the 1920s or something. It shouldn't be like Matrix 2. 00:21:06 Speaker 2: It should be a lie about your taste. 00:21:08 Speaker 3: Or it should have like, there should be some, there's a vintage art style to it or something. 00:21:15 Speaker 2: Add something to your home. 00:21:16 Speaker 3: Like probably it shouldn't be a movie that came out this year. Right. I would say generally like unless it's like you have a movie theater and that is the vibe of your screening room. But so that's and I kind of like want to be polite. So I have it just sort of put up like in a corner. I don't think it was framed. So I think I but it wasn't hanging on my wall, but it was out. How was it out? I think it was on like a poster board or something like that. 00:21:50 Speaker 2: Where did he get this poster in that time frame? Were they selling Warrior posters within two months of this movie's release or he must have gone out of his way to get it? 00:21:57 Speaker 3: I don't know. 00:21:59 Speaker 2: Steal it from an AMC? 00:21:59 Speaker 3: Well, it hadn't been released two weeks prior. It had come out way earlier in the year. I had seen it in December. 00:22:05 Speaker 2: Oh, okay. Warrior Fever was over. 00:22:08 Speaker 3: Warrior Fever never existed. The movie, I don't think, was seen by many people. It is very good. 00:22:14 Speaker 2: I think Tom Hardy makes good choices. 00:22:16 Speaker 3: Nick Nolte was, I believe, nominated for an Oscar for it. So anyhow, I have this poster there. I then start dating my now wife. Mm-hmm. Oh, no. And so she– and I– and she's like, oh, do you like that movie? And I go, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's great. But I– again, I like the movie. 00:22:38 Speaker 2: This is a nightmare. 00:22:41 Speaker 3: I have a poster because the fever pitch of me liking the movie is when someone bought me a poster. But now everyone is like, he loves Warrior. And I think she– we start dating– this is like an early gift into our relationship. And it's also like knowing my wife, it was a very last minute gift. It was like, what is he like? Oh, he's got that warrior poster. He would love a signed copy of the script. 00:23:14 Speaker 2: God bless. 00:23:15 Speaker 3: So I get a signed copy of the script and I go, oh, thank you so much. I also like, Couldn't care less about autographs. 00:23:28 Speaker 2: That's a weird phenomenon to me. It just means nothing to me. 00:23:32 Speaker 3: It means this celebrity was paid 80 bucks or whatever, 20 bucks. Like Gavin O'Connor made a great movie. My guess is if he was paid for this because maybe he just. 00:23:46 Speaker 2: He was probably excited. He probably doesn't get asked a lot to sign warrior scripts. 00:23:51 Speaker 1: Yeah. 00:23:52 Speaker 2: I mean, I'm sure it's a great movie. 00:23:54 Speaker 3: It's probably a limited edition now that I think of it. 00:23:56 Speaker 2: It's probably one of four. 00:23:57 Speaker 3: It's probably not that. I can't imagine there's a big market for the teleplay to fucking the movie Warrior signed by one of three writers. 00:24:13 Speaker 2: Only revised by two. I wonder what the drama was there. Interesting. Hmm. Cliff Dorfman left out of the revisions. I don't want to start anything in the warrior. 00:24:21 Speaker 3: Verse, but... Who knows? Yeah. Wow. 00:24:24 Speaker 2: What a wild journey. 00:24:26 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:24:27 Speaker 2: It feels like when you're in elementary school and you see a movie, every movie you see is your new favorite movie. Where it's just like. 00:24:34 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:24:34 Speaker 2: Just recency bias or whatever. 00:24:36 Speaker 3: Do you remember the first movie that you thought was bad? Yes. Because I was the same where I was like, every movie's good. Right. And then I saw one that was bad and I was like, they can be bad? 00:24:49 Speaker 2: I think these must have come around the same time. Maybe not. Muppet Treasure Island and episode one of Star Wars. 00:25:00 Speaker 3: Sure. 00:25:00 Speaker 2: And just remember... I just remember being like. 00:25:02 Speaker 3: Muppet Treasure Island. I feel like I saw it when I was very young. 00:25:06 Speaker 2: Yeah, I was very young. 00:25:07 Speaker 3: But I don't recall... If you'd asked me, though, I would say, oh, I thought people liked that movie. I loved the Muppets. Yeah. 00:25:16 Speaker 2: And I loved the other Muppet movies. And I remember thinking, this isn't the Muppets I like. 00:25:20 Speaker 3: This is a fall from grace. 00:25:22 Speaker 2: What's happened to the crew? But yeah, those were the two. What about you? Do you remember the first? 00:25:28 Speaker 3: Yes, I do. It was the movie... Warriors of Virtue, which I'm realizing has the word warrior in it. Wow. 00:25:38 Speaker 2: I think that that's the arc of your life. Yeah, I guess so, apparently. What was this movie? 00:25:45 Speaker 3: It's such a strange movie. So few people are aware of it. But it was like, you know, it was kind of like a classic kids movie where there's like a little boy is hanging out with maybe The cool kid, the bullies kind of vibe. They pressure him to walk on a wooden beam over a whirlpool. 00:26:10 Speaker 2: As children do. 00:26:11 Speaker 3: As they do. And he falls off into it. He goes through this whirlpool and ends up in a magical land and then has an adventure. And then at the end of the movie, I think, washes up ashore and it's like no time has passed, I think. 00:26:27 Speaker 2: It's a dangerous lesson for kids. 00:26:30 Speaker 3: Yeah, just try. 00:26:30 Speaker 2: Just drown. 00:26:31 Speaker 3: Roll the dice with a whirlpool and you'll go to. And well, the magical land he goes to, there are these kangaroos, live action, and they are like karate kangaroos and they each are kind of Captain Planet-y, like they each represent a different virtue. And it was so weird. It was like, I just wanted to see kangaroos do karate. 00:27:03 Speaker 2: This movie was written by a stupid child. 00:27:06 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:27:06 Speaker 2: Not even a child. This sounds crazy. 00:27:08 Speaker 3: Well, I think it was written by an adult who was trying to get, like, who was trying to do his version of, like, Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain or something, where it's like, what are you, just have the kangaroos do karate. Why is it? 00:27:27 Speaker 2: It's like you polled a fifth grade class about their favorite things. 00:27:31 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:27:31 Speaker 2: And just took the whole list. 00:27:32 Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. It's very Mad Libby. All the things. And it was very confusing and very weird. And I just remember walking out and being like, what the hell was that? And also, like, I can't believe... I've seen a bad movie. 00:27:49 Speaker 2: What was it called again? 00:27:50 Speaker 3: Warriors of Virtue. 00:27:52 Speaker 2: It was a Christian movie? 00:27:54 Speaker 3: I don't think so. 00:27:55 Speaker 2: It's vaguely Christian to me. Except for all of the black magic. 00:28:00 Speaker 3: It feels more pagan than anything. 00:28:05 Speaker 2: I do feel like there was a period in the 90s when whirlpools were on the minds of kids. I loved the idea of a whirlpool and quicksand. Getting sucked into one of those things is kind of the best thing you could possibly do. 00:28:18 Speaker 3: Yeah. Or like a tornado. Oh. Tornado. Yeah, it's the spinning thing where it's like you're for sure going to end up in a different world and not just cut to hell by branches and trees. 00:28:33 Speaker 2: Warriors of Virtue, did your parents take you to it? 00:28:36 Speaker 3: Probably. Wow. My poor father. 00:28:38 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think about, I mean, this is probably... Top three reasons I don't want to have a child is I drive by Paw Patrol, this time with dinosaurs or whatever, and I just think I couldn't. I can't go see that movie. 00:28:54 Speaker 3: I actively try to, like, play music for, like, good actual music. My wife is acting completely counter to that. My wife is like, she loves Baby Shark. I played her Baby Shark and she loves it. That's her fault. Don't. Do it. 00:29:10 Speaker 2: When parents end up in this trap, I'm like, well, the child heard it somewhere. You've allowed the child to hear this. 00:29:16 Speaker 3: But she likes Baby Shark more than, you know, whatever Bob Dylan song I tried to. 00:29:22 Speaker 2: I think my nieces are slightly too old for this anymore. But when I used to go home for the holidays and I would be driving, my sister lets them listen to horrific children music. But when they would get in When I was driving, I would say, unfortunately, my phone only gets this sort of music. Just lie to them. 00:29:37 Speaker 3: Yes. 00:29:37 Speaker 2: And then they would buy it and there was no choice. there was no. 00:29:40 Speaker 3: Complaining I'm sorry it's only it's. 00:29:43 Speaker 2: Sadly I just don't have that internet yeah and again it's easy for me to say as a non-parent but I'm just like just lie to your child force whatever. 00:29:52 Speaker 3: Yeah I think that's– I'm doing it. 00:29:55 Speaker 2: Make them resent you. 00:29:56 Speaker 3: But you both have to be a united front. 00:29:58 Speaker 2: If there's a crack, I mean, it's all downhill from there. Wow, this is so fascinating. Are you much of a UFC person? 00:30:08 Speaker 3: No, not at all. 00:30:09 Speaker 2: The idea of watching UFC, again, is very foreign to me. But it's another thing where I think I'm just so outside of, I guess, what everyone else wants to be doing because it's so wildly popular. 00:30:22 Speaker 3: Yeah. I don't– I think I've maybe watched it once or twice, and it was so much buildup to– like it's– you know, I think it was like a 30-second long fight, whatever I saw, and I was like, okay. There was like hours of preamble before this. 00:30:44 Speaker 2: Like a televised preamble? 00:30:45 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, like, I mean, I think it's like other fight. Well, it's like, you know, it's like probably a pay-per-view thing. So they've got to like fill it with, here's 16 30-second fights. 00:30:57 Speaker 2: Yeah, this never occurred to me because I haven't watched it. And you think of it as a televised event, which usually the things I watch on TV are a half hour to hour long. 00:31:06 Speaker 3: And they have a narrative structure. 00:31:08 Speaker 2: You assume the fight... is just going to be an hour, but that makes no physical sense. 00:31:13 Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, I, the other thing is like, I don't know what's good or, but I know like one person wins or not, but I don't know anything about the technique. I think whoever tweets this, there's some tweet that like goes viral every time there's the Olympics. I, if, if I might be Megan Amram, I might not be whoever it is. I'm sorry. I don't know your name. The, uh, they say like, uh, Like once again, I'm petitioning to have the Olympics have a normal person compete alongside the athletes so we can see how much better they are. 00:31:46 Speaker 2: That would be incredible. 00:31:47 Speaker 3: Which I think is a legitimately good idea because they're all roughly– like they're all swimming about as fast as each other. I want to see like me. 00:31:59 Speaker 2: Yeah, because when I'm watching, I'm like, well, this is all pretty good. 00:32:02 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:32:03 Speaker 2: Although I will say controversially, I was really let down by skateboarding. I think Tony Hawk Pro Skater has ruined real skateboarding for me. 00:32:12 Speaker 3: That's true. I watched the Olympic version. 00:32:14 Speaker 2: I'm like, do a combo. 00:32:16 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah. These people are doing one trick and falling down. Me, me on the board, I sail in front of the sun. Have the hang time of life. Three minutes. 00:32:29 Speaker 2: I just did a grind all the way around Alcatraz. 00:32:32 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah. 00:32:33 Speaker 2: No, of course, like these people, like it would take me a lifetime to learn one of these tricks. And then I'm watching and I'm like, this is terrible. 00:32:40 Speaker 3: I tried for years to ollie. 00:32:43 Speaker 2: Oh, it's impossible. 00:32:44 Speaker 3: I think maybe did it once, maybe. 00:32:46 Speaker 2: Oh, it's so embarrassing for me. 00:32:48 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:32:48 Speaker 2: Yeah, all of my friends got into skateboarding and learned a few tricks. And my brother and I bought a skateboard and he demanded we get those monster truck wheels on our skateboard. I know. just was impossible to learn any tricks. It was just this worthless device. 00:33:00 Speaker 3: What do you mean by monster truck wheels? They were like. 00:33:04 Speaker 2: You could go buy a skateboard deck and then they would attach, like. 00:33:07 Speaker 3: Like actually very big. 00:33:08 Speaker 2: Off-road, yes. 00:33:10 Speaker 3: For God knows what reason. Yeah, yeah. So you don't skateboard well. So you have an excuse not to skateboard, I think, ultimately. I once, when I was really young, our family moved around a bunch. And I... It was... I hated it because I was very shy, but it was very good for me in the long run because I was thrown into the deep end of social interaction. And with every school, I would reinvent myself, my personality. Oh, I like this. Because I'd be like, whatever's been, you know, whatever I've been doing hasn't been working at all. So I'm going to just try. I'll just be a different guy. And one of the guys that I was was retired professional skateboarder. Oh, very smart. Where I was like, I was incredible at skateboarding. I was so good. I could do, and then I would list the like seven tricks that I knew. And then what would happen, every person I told this to, eventually I would, there would be a skateboard and I would be around them and they'd be like, go do it. 00:34:14 Speaker 2: And I'd be like, I'm retired. You have to build in a traumatic backstory. 00:34:18 Speaker 3: Yeah. And kids in it, like, I sold it well enough that people were like, people were like, I'm pretty good at skateboarding. I mean, I'm not as good as Nick, but. And I was not like, I could, you know, I could skate around, but I couldn't do anything other than that. 00:34:37 Speaker 2: Well, those days were behind you. 00:34:38 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:34:39 Speaker 2: Sorry. 00:34:39 Speaker 3: I'm sorry. 00:34:40 Speaker 2: I wish you could have been there. 00:34:41 Speaker 3: I will not ever again. Yeah. 00:34:44 Speaker 2: Do you remember any other personalities that you took? This is very Madonna of you. 00:34:48 Speaker 3: I mean, I was like, I'll be like, I tried being like a cartoonist for one. I think one was legitimately like, maybe I'll try being depressed. 00:35:07 Speaker 2: That's an easy one. 00:35:08 Speaker 3: Because I feel like I was influenced by a lot of media where I'm like, yeah, these sad people seem to be getting. 00:35:14 Speaker 2: People are watching this. 00:35:15 Speaker 3: Yeah, like music videos where it's like this guy singing very sadly seems to be doing well for himself and the world. 00:35:21 Speaker 2: No, that's a mystery. 00:35:22 Speaker 3: It's like what if I was just very publicly sad? And I've gone back to that many times in my life thinking maybe that'll work. No, I think that's probably a good default to just fall back on. Yeah. 00:35:37 Speaker 2: You can just mine personal territory. People can't really fight with it. 00:35:42 Speaker 3: Yeah. And I'll be like, or mysterious, silent and mysterious. And that falls apart the moment I'm asked a question. 00:35:52 Speaker 2: Just so nervous. 00:35:53 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah. 00:35:56 Speaker 2: Well, I'm very excited about this. Let's just see what's happening on the first page here. It does take place in Pittsburgh at twilight. It starts there. Exterior Pittsburgh twilight. A beautiful blue-collar city approaching nightfall. Bridges, rivers, churches, the working-class poetry of the Berg. 00:36:14 Speaker 3: Pittsburgh. What was it? What were the three? Bridges, churches? Rivers. Bridges, churches, rivers. 00:36:22 Speaker 2: Feels like. 00:36:24 Speaker 3: Bridges and rivers are going to be– so it's just– it's bridges, rivers flanked by so many churches. 00:36:34 Speaker 2: Pittsburgh, religious city USA. 00:36:37 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:36:38 Speaker 2: Well, then we do– we end up in St. Mary's Church or outside of it and that's where we meet Patty Conlon. 00:36:46 Speaker 3: What's he doing? 00:36:47 Speaker 2: Who's exiting the doors of a rundown church. 00:36:49 Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. 00:36:51 Speaker 2: He's been in an AA program. 00:36:52 Speaker 3: Yeah, that checks out. 00:36:53 Speaker 2: Is that who Nick Nolte is playing? 00:36:56 Speaker 3: You better believe it. I'm going to just pick a... I want to pick a random. 00:36:59 Speaker 2: Is he a retired UFC person? 00:37:01 Speaker 3: Nick Nolte? 00:37:02 Speaker 2: Within the movie. 00:37:04 Speaker 3: Oh, God. 00:37:06 Speaker 2: This is your favorite movie. 00:37:08 Speaker 3: He trained his sons. Okay. It's about two brothers who both know how to fight and then end up in the same tournament fighting each other. And they both need the money... For very good reasons. For their church. So you're like, I don't know who's going to, you know, who deserves it more. Right. Oh, yeah, and the fighting competition is called Sparta. It's a fighting tournament. It's called Sparta. I think it's a very good film. 00:37:37 Speaker 2: Well, the whole thing is very Greek tragedy. 00:37:40 Speaker 3: It's also very, the front page appears to be laminated. 00:37:45 Speaker 2: Yeah, he went out of his way. When he was at Kinko's, he said, give me the nice stuff. 00:37:52 Speaker 3: Oh, my God. Speaking of laminate, this is a complete– this is definitely part of my– one of the personalities I tried on. So in fifth grade, I was the only white kid in my class or the only white boy in my class. I think there was like two white girls. And at lunch– I would sit– all my friends were black, and we would all sit at this one lunch table, which must have looked incredible to see, just me. And we started a club called the Men in Black. It was after the film came out. Unrelated. Yeah, I guess in that they were both organizations, but we had nothing to do with aliens. 00:38:39 Speaker 2: Right. 00:38:40 Speaker 3: We were– Mostly black boys, let's be clear. And then one white boy, me. We were the men in black. And we would talk about it like, yeah, we're the men in black. And I think like you do when you're a child, you assign roles to everybody. And I just volunteered for treasurer because it was like the go-to role that like nobody would want. 00:39:08 Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. 00:39:09 Speaker 3: And, like, we didn't have a treasury of any sort. There's no funds. No funds I would be in control of. And I was so proud of being a member of this group that I made a business card for myself, designed it on my computer, and that I went to, you know, Microsoft Word. 00:39:29 Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. 00:39:30 Speaker 3: Picked a font that was insane for a business card. Like, not Comic Sans, but in the realm of, like, a real fun font. 00:39:40 Speaker 2: I loved, I remember there was one called Jester that I loved. 00:39:43 Speaker 3: Yeah. It might have been Jester. And I had my name on it. I had my role treasurer of the Men in Black was on there as well. I think I had– and then I had nicknames, which no– That's a good idea for a business card, actually. 00:40:02 Speaker 2: Feel free to call me by. 00:40:03 Speaker 3: And it was DJ 3000 and– I forget the other. I think it was, like, not... I think it was, like, sexually inappropriate, though. Like, I feel like 69 was in it or something like that. Of course. But DJ 3000, and then some other one that's potentially sexually inappropriate. I cut it to, like, business card shape or whatever, and then I took it to Kinko's and had it laminated. And I can't imagine... What this Kinko's employee thought he was doing. Because one, nobody has laminated business cards. This business card is meant to be handed out. 00:40:56 Speaker 1: Yes. 00:40:57 Speaker 3: So what I had was a business card. So it was the shape of a business card. But then it was laminated. And the lamination went like a half inch around the card. So it could fit in no wallet. It's this thick piece of plastic. And the idea is, yeah, I only had the one. So it would be like I would show it to you. You would read it. 00:41:20 Speaker 2: Identification. 00:41:21 Speaker 3: I need this back. 00:41:23 Speaker 2: Memorize everything on that. 00:41:24 Speaker 3: And I brought it into my friends at school and I was like, look, I made a card. And everyone was like, what? And I was like, what did I do? Why did I do this? This is crazy. Oh, no. Wow. 00:41:42 Speaker 2: How long did the group go on for? 00:41:43 Speaker 3: They didn't. I think there was one conversation one day. I was like, we're in a club. Everyone else was like, oh, right. Yeah, we're that club. 00:41:55 Speaker 2: It's very exciting to be in a club. 00:41:57 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:41:58 Speaker 2: You went overboard. 00:41:58 Speaker 3: Yeah. You went too far with it. 00:42:02 Speaker 2: Also, the idea of being a treasurer sounds very fun. 00:42:04 Speaker 1: Yeah. 00:42:05 Speaker 3: I mean, look. Treasure. For the men in black. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine? 00:42:10 Speaker 2: Who could ask for more? Wow. Do you still have it? 00:42:15 Speaker 3: I think I do. Oh. It's in Atlanta at my mom's house. I don't have it with me. But I remember finding it years later and being like, oh, my God. You need to do something with that. Have it framed next to your Warriors poster. Just add another level of lamination to it. 00:42:34 Speaker 2: Wow. I bet that Kinko's person still thinks about that. 00:42:37 Speaker 3: Yeah. I got to imagine the– I guess they actually probably don't see many horrors at Kinko's. Yeah. 00:42:45 Speaker 2: It's probably very boring. 00:42:47 Speaker 3: But then every once in a while, something crazy. 00:42:51 Speaker 2: Are they– is it– does Kinko's still exist or have they totally turned into FedEx? 00:42:56 Speaker 3: I think it's FedEx Kinko's is my theory. 00:42:59 Speaker 2: I think the word Kinko's was very fun. They should have held on to that. Now I feel like I just go into a FedEx. 00:43:04 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:43:05 Speaker 2: What a shame. Yeah. Yeah. 00:43:08 Speaker 3: And what a great vibe it is in there. 00:43:12 Speaker 2: The air, the carpet. 00:43:14 Speaker 3: The customer service, incredible. Everything always works. 00:43:22 Speaker 2: Oh, boy. Well, I think we should play a game. 00:43:28 Speaker 3: Great. 00:43:29 Speaker 2: We're going to play a game called Invite List. Do you have anything to promote or recommend? 00:43:33 Speaker 1: Sure. 00:43:34 Speaker 3: Sure. I'll promote my movie that I wrote and directed with my writing partner, Brian McElhaney. It's called Pizza Movie. It's on Hulu and Disney +. It stars Gaten Matarazzo, Sean Gambrone, Lulu Wilson. And it's very funny. It's a dumb stoner comedy. And you should watch it. 00:43:57 Speaker 2: It's a very fun movie. 00:43:59 Speaker 3: Thank you. 00:43:59 Speaker 2: And a very fun– the concept is just so nice. 00:44:03 Speaker 3: Yes. Yes. It's– You can hold it in your hand. Yes. As it were. 00:44:09 Speaker 2: But a delightful pizza movie, really, to eat pizza to. 00:44:12 Speaker 3: It's about just to, you know, not to frustrate people at home who don't know what it is, I suppose. It's about two guys who have ordered a pizza and have also done drugs. And in order to get their pizza, they have to go down to the lobby of their college dorm. But because they're on this very insane, very fictional drug, this journey down two flights of stairs to get a pizza is a feature film. 00:44:35 Speaker 2: Delightful. Okay, we're going to play a game called Invite List. I'm going to start naming a list of celebrities. You tell me if they're invited or not invited. 00:44:43 Speaker 3: Okay, to what? 00:44:45 Speaker 2: Whatever you want. 00:44:46 Speaker 3: Your party. 00:44:46 Speaker 2: Your very exclusive party. Once we get to 10, that's the party. 00:44:51 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:44:52 Speaker 2: And you can say why or why not, whatever you want. 00:44:54 Speaker 3: Okay, okay. I feel like the first few people I invite are going to determine what the event is. 00:45:01 Speaker 2: Yes, I think that's a smart way to do this. 00:45:03 Speaker 3: Okay, Jay Leno. 00:45:05 Speaker 2: Jay Leno. 00:45:06 Speaker 3: This is a huge decision because there's no going back. 00:45:11 Speaker 2: No, this is like a two. 00:45:14 Speaker 3: Jay Leno is there. It is. 00:45:19 Speaker 2: That's a very specific. 00:45:22 Speaker 3: He's not invited. I can't. That's that's I. There's certain things that I would invite Jay Leno to. He's not going to be the first guest to this. 00:45:33 Speaker 2: Queen Latifah. 00:45:35 Speaker 3: Queen Latifah can come. For sure. 00:45:37 Speaker 2: David Schwimmer. 00:45:38 Speaker 3: For sure can come. 00:45:42 Speaker 2: Alanis Morissette. 00:45:43 Speaker 3: Yes. 00:45:44 Speaker 2: Trevor Noah. 00:45:46 Speaker 3: No. 00:45:47 Speaker 2: Roy Choi. 00:45:49 Speaker 3: Roy Choi. 00:45:50 Speaker 2: Who's that? He's a chef. He initially started the Kogi truck Korean tacos trend and has kind of gone on to just be kind of a famous chef. 00:46:01 Speaker 3: Okay. And what do we think? Is he going to be offended if I invite him and am expecting him to also cater to the event? Oh, interesting. 00:46:08 Speaker 2: I think so, yes. 00:46:09 Speaker 3: Okay. He can't come then. Dr. Dre. Okay. Let me just– okay. We've got Schwimmer. We've got Queen Latifah. We've got Alanis Morissette. It's a dinner party for sure. 00:46:23 Speaker 1: Yes. 00:46:23 Speaker 2: It sounds like a nice time. 00:46:24 Speaker 3: I think this would be a great time. And who's the most recent person? Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. Absolutely. 00:46:31 Speaker 2: Kiefer Sutherland. 00:46:32 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:46:33 Speaker 2: Heather Gay. She's one of the... I don't know who that is. This ends up in almost... Every time we play this, it's a different Real Housewife, but she's from Utah. She runs kind of a med spa. 00:46:44 Speaker 3: No, I'm sorry, Heather. 00:46:46 Speaker 2: Ron DeSantis. 00:46:47 Speaker 3: Ron DeSantis. I mean, if I'm controlling the seating chart... Which I think I am. Now it's a dinner where there's little name tags. Ron DeSantis is there and he's going to be sat. Dr. Dre is going to be potentially right next to him. Okay. I'll see who else. 00:47:13 Speaker 2: Carey Mulligan. 00:47:14 Speaker 3: Carey Mulligan. Now that's the actress. 00:47:17 Speaker 2: Yes. 00:47:18 Speaker 3: Yes. Yes. Oh, she's great. 00:47:19 Speaker 2: She's so charming. 00:47:20 Speaker 3: She can't come. She's not the right vibe for what I'm going for now. 00:47:25 Speaker 2: Chrissy Teigen. 00:47:28 Speaker 3: Yeah, she can come. 00:47:29 Speaker 2: Quinta Brunson. 00:47:31 Speaker 3: Yes, for sure. 00:47:32 Speaker 2: Jarvis Cocker. 00:47:33 Speaker 3: Who? 00:47:34 Speaker 2: He's the singer of the band Pulp. Incredible person, but if you don't know who he is, probably not an invite. 00:47:40 Speaker 3: Well, I do need some buffers around Ron DeSantis. He can come. He is going to be part of the. 00:47:50 Speaker 3: Six people surrounding Ron DeSantis. All right, and that's nine. This is incredible. 00:47:55 Speaker 2: What a strategy. 00:47:56 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:47:56 Speaker 2: Okay, Fran Lebowitz. 00:47:59 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:48:00 Speaker 2: That's ten. 00:48:01 Speaker 3: Great. That's a great— Can you just buzz through the next five so I know what I missed? Oh, sure. 00:48:07 Speaker 2: Bella Hadid. 00:48:08 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:48:09 Speaker 2: Lily Gladstone. 00:48:10 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:48:10 Speaker 2: Dua Lipa. Okay. Harry Styles. 00:48:13 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:48:14 Speaker 2: John David Washington. 00:48:15 Speaker 3: Great. 00:48:15 Speaker 2: Okay. So I think you strategize in a. 00:48:18 Speaker 3: Really nice way. I'd love to trade someone for Lily Gladstone. And guess where she's going? Other side of Ron DeSantis. 00:48:27 Speaker 2: Incredible. I support that party in every possible way. Okay. We're going to quickly play a game called Gift or a Curse. We'll just do a couple here just because people want to hear this. I'm going to name a couple of things. You tell me if they're a gift or a curse and why. 00:48:45 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:48:45 Speaker 2: Then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong because there are correct answers. Okay. This is from a listener named Samantha. Gift or a curse, yard sales in your neighborhood? 00:48:58 Speaker 3: I think gift. Why? Well, I enjoy seeing a yard sale. I don't. As a child, I loved yard sales. I thought they were fun. I didn't, you know, oftentimes now I understand there's a connotation of potentially, I mean, maybe it's just your moving or whatever. You're just cleaning out house or it's things have gone very badly for you and you need, you know, payments of two dollars for various keepsakes in your life. But I always get I don't know. I get a good feeling when I see them, I think. 00:49:36 Speaker 2: Correct. 00:49:37 Speaker 3: Gift. 00:49:38 Speaker 2: I think that's a nice thing. I think it's a good excuse to go nose around your neighbor's things. Frequently, you don't know what's going on in your neighbor's houses. Why not get a peek? Find out why they're trying to sell all of this. 00:49:51 Speaker 3: Yeah. I've always come too late, though, and it's just the drags. 00:49:55 Speaker 2: There's nothing. Well, my problem with a yard sale out of my neighborhood is I'm always on my way to something else. 00:50:00 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:50:00 Speaker 2: So I can't stop there. Yeah. And also I don't care about their lives, so I can't nose around. Yeah. 00:50:05 Speaker 3: It doesn't mean anything to me. If I'm walking around my neighborhood and, you know, perusing around, if I'm not on my way to somewhere, I'm walking around, I'm walking a dog that will attack. 00:50:16 Speaker 2: That's a good way to get rid of other yard sale customers. Okay. The second one is from a listener named Annie. Gift or curse free samples in the mall food court? 00:50:27 Speaker 3: Gift. Why? Delicious. Delicious. Correct. Yeah. 00:50:33 Speaker 2: I haven't had one. 00:50:34 Speaker 3: In a while. 00:50:34 Speaker 2: I actually think this is actually a sore spot for me because I can't remember the last time I was offered one. 00:50:41 Speaker 3: The best sauce is free. Yeah. 00:50:43 Speaker 2: Oh, listen, I've really been on this podcast talking about why sauce needs to be– people are starting to charge for sauce. 00:50:51 Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, I mean like, you know, like they say the best sauce is hunger or whatever. 00:50:57 Speaker 2: How interesting. 00:50:58 Speaker 3: Like if you're really hungry, it's– Everything tastes better because you're starving or whatever. And I would also say, but also, maybe second place or tied, is if it is free, it makes it more delicious. 00:51:13 Speaker 2: Okay, great. You've gotten two. We'll do one more. This is from a listener named Emily. Gift or a curse electric blankets? 00:51:21 Speaker 3: Gift. Why? I love them. Wrong. 00:51:28 Speaker 1: Okay. 00:51:29 Speaker 2: I think this is a curse. I don't like the idea of a blanket being plugged in. I don't like the idea of I wake up sweating no matter what the temperature is. And to be trapped under a heated blanket doesn't work for me. 00:51:45 Speaker 3: Have you been somewhere very cold, though, and done it? No. Okay. Well, that I'd try for sure. 00:51:56 Speaker 2: I refuse. It scares me. Okay. You know, seems dangerous. What's happening in a heated blanket, actually? 00:52:03 Speaker 3: I don't know. 00:52:05 Speaker 2: I think it's metal. 00:52:06 Speaker 3: Coils that are getting very hot. But did you ever, like, you know, when you were a kid or currently, stand in front of a fire until your jeans get too hot? Oh, sure. And then you're like, ah, it got too hot. And then you wait, and then you go back to the fire. I love that feeling. You then like electric blankets. It's that. 00:52:26 Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I really, okay, well, you're wrong, but I'll consider it in the future. 00:52:31 Speaker 3: We'll see. 00:52:32 Speaker 2: All right. Let's answer a listener question here. People are writing in to isaidnogifts at gmail.com, begging for answers, et cetera, et cetera. Okay, this is Highbridger and Disrespectful Guest. My son is starting kindergarten next week, and it seems like everyone goes a bit wild with teacher gifts starting from day one these days. I love and support teachers and wish I could just contribute financially to anything they might need for the classroom or extra pocket cash for themselves, but a plain gift card seems a bit cold and I'm not sure where I would buy it. I already paid my PTA dues for the year, which includes amounts for teacher gifts for the holidays, teacher appreciation, and end of the year, but it appears that most parents also send something on the first day of the week. I want my son's teacher to feel appreciated. Truly can't imagine caring for 20 of my child for seven hours each day. Come on. 00:53:31 Speaker 3: Okay. 00:53:32 Speaker 2: And want to curry favor as much as the next suck-up mother. So please help me figure out what to send my kid's teacher to start out the year. She told us that she enjoys reading, Broadway shows, and watching football, but not sure which team. We live in northern New Jersey, home of the Real Housewives of New Jersey gals, if that helps. 00:53:52 Speaker 3: I don't know. 00:53:53 Speaker 2: Your desperate and loyal listener, Carmella. 00:53:56 Speaker 3: Oh. Carmella. 00:53:57 Speaker 2: I like. 00:53:58 Speaker 3: Soprano. Soprano. 00:54:00 Speaker 2: Carmella's reaching out. She's got a new. 00:54:02 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:54:03 Speaker 2: She had a late in life. Her husband is dead. She's remarried. 00:54:08 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:54:09 Speaker 2: Well, she might be dead. 00:54:11 Speaker 3: Good for Carm. 00:54:11 Speaker 2: There's a chance that she's dead. We don't know what happened there. 00:54:14 Speaker 3: We don't know. This is the first time. I mean, I don't have a child in school yet, but I hate. The sound of this. It also sounds like this is happening every week, the first day of every week. Let's see here. Or just the first day of the school year. 00:54:29 Speaker 2: I think the first day of the school year, but it seems like people are doing too much. 00:54:35 Speaker 3: I don't remember ever bringing a gift for my teacher. Right. Or other kids doing that. And I do think teachers should be rewarded. 00:54:45 Speaker 2: And that's where you and I part ways. 00:54:46 Speaker 3: Yeah, okay. 00:54:47 Speaker 2: This is a very anti-public education podcast. 00:54:50 Speaker 3: Yeah, great. Okay. 00:54:52 Speaker 2: Public school teachers, what have they done? 00:54:53 Speaker 3: That's kind of what I– my big question. Some harm probably. 00:54:56 Speaker 2: Yeah, ultimately only harm. 00:54:58 Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, okay. 00:55:03 Speaker 2: So I really don't feel like a teacher deserves anything. We know they're paid too much. We know they're underworked. So it's a little like what else could they possibly ask for? 00:55:14 Speaker 3: I do– the listener– They sort of seem to think that gift card is the only option. They're like, a gift card is too cold, so what am I to do? 00:55:23 Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. I refuse to think about it beyond a gift card. 00:55:26 Speaker 3: Right. I don't know. I mean, you could do the old classic standard red apple, shiny red apple. 00:55:33 Speaker 2: I wonder if a teacher likes getting that or if it's annoying. I wouldn't want to get a red apple. 00:55:37 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:55:37 Speaker 2: Something you picked up at a gas station. 00:55:39 Speaker 3: Unwrapped fruit. 00:55:41 Speaker 2: No, thank you. 00:55:42 Speaker 3: Just, no, no food probably. 00:55:44 Speaker 2: I mean. 00:55:46 Speaker 3: I feel like, I mean, Broadway shows... That seems insane. 00:55:50 Speaker 2: Those tickets are so expensive. What, are you picking the date also? 00:55:54 Speaker 3: You're coming in like, hey, September 17th, we've got, you're gonna go see Mamma Mia. 00:56:03 Speaker 2: In the middle of a school week. Right. Maybe they could take a note out of your friend's book and get a Broadway show poster. 00:56:14 Speaker 3: Yeah, Broadway show, yeah. Or the poster for the movie Warrior. Or a book. Give them a book. They love to read or whatever. Yeah, find a book. 00:56:22 Speaker 2: Find a... There's probably a novelization of Warrior. 00:56:25 Speaker 3: Or just be like, hey, I don't have a gift. My gift is I'm not going to be a nightmare in your class. 00:56:32 Speaker 2: My child will obey. 00:56:33 Speaker 3: Yes. I will support and my child will obey. You pin a note to your child that says one free hit. 00:56:40 Speaker 2: Feel free to hit my child. 00:56:41 Speaker 3: You can hit me. 00:56:43 Speaker 2: That feels like Carmelo Soprano type parenting. 00:56:44 Speaker 3: You don't have to. You don't have to hit that. It's the threat of the hit that will keep the child behaved. 00:56:50 Speaker 2: I think that's a perfect answer. And again, public school teachers, what's the point really of them? This is a very anti-public school teacher podcast. 00:57:06 Speaker 3: Yeah, sure. I'll get on board. 00:57:08 Speaker 2: My mom was one, you know. I don't see that. 00:57:12 Speaker 3: And what's the point? 00:57:13 Speaker 2: She's lazy. 00:57:14 Speaker 3: She was overpaid. Children should go to a room in an unattended room for the day. 00:57:21 Speaker 2: Yes, this is what I'm saying over and over. But we've helped Carmela, and I love to help a Carmela. This is the first Carmela I've ever helped. 00:57:30 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:57:30 Speaker 2: I feel honored. 00:57:31 Speaker 3: Well, now you, you know, she owes you a favor. 00:57:35 Speaker 2: Yes, and she's a powerful woman. 00:57:37 Speaker 3: Well, as we know. 00:57:39 Speaker 2: Well, we answered the question perfectly. I now have this beautiful, beautiful script signed by one of my favorite writers and directors. 00:57:48 Speaker 3: What happens to all the gifts on the show? 00:57:50 Speaker 2: Some of those things behind you are, it's a small sampling of the gifts that have been given. And look to your left over there. We actually just received another warrior-themed thing, Warriors the Book. But that's like to the other side of this thing. Oh, to my left. 00:58:08 Speaker 3: Oh, sure, yeah. Yes. Warriors into the wild. 00:58:11 Speaker 2: Yeah, so this is now a running theme, warrior-themed gifts. But this is where some of them go. Some of them end up in my house, some in my garage. Then I give them away on live shows. I haven't done any live shows this year due to various things, but I'm trying to find ways to kind of push them out into the world. 00:58:33 Speaker 3: Yeah, I can imagine. 00:58:36 Speaker 2: But this is a wonderful gift. 00:58:38 Speaker 3: I'm happy to give it a new home. And I hope it inspires people to give you many more warrior-themed things. I hope that that's for the next hundred gifts. It's like the ring. You have to show it. You have to give it to someone else. 00:58:52 Speaker 2: There are a lot of warrior-esque things. Lots of warriors the movie and the other movie. 00:58:58 Speaker 3: Warriors of virtue. 00:58:59 Speaker 2: Warriors of, oh, that's enough. I've got to look up warriors of virtue. 00:59:04 Speaker 3: People love the word warrior. Yeah. 00:59:06 Speaker 2: It just gets them excited. And I'm going to have to watch this movie. Yeah. 00:59:11 Speaker 3: It's a good movie. 00:59:13 Speaker 2: I like Tom Hardy. I watched the movie where he drove around in a car for an hour and a half. What was that called? 00:59:18 Speaker 1: Lock. 00:59:18 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:59:19 Speaker 2: Nobody bought me a poster for that. 00:59:21 Speaker 3: I can't imagine they made them for that movie. Yeah. 00:59:27 Speaker 2: Well, I've had a wonderful time. 00:59:29 Speaker 3: Me as well. 00:59:29 Speaker 2: Thank you for being here. 00:59:30 Speaker 3: Oh, thank you for having me. 00:59:32 Speaker 2: Listener, the podcast is over. I'm going to get back in the car and drive my thousandth mile for the day. And so just think about how much I. 00:59:43 Speaker 3: Suffer for you. I love you. Goodbye. 00:59:50 Speaker 2: I Said No Gifts is an Exactly Right production. Our senior producer is Ellis Nelson, and our episodes are beautifully mixed by Ben Tolliday. The theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann, and we couldn't do it without our booker Patrick Kottner. You must follow the show on Instagram at I Said No Gifts. That's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see the gifts? 01:00:17 Speaker 1: Well, I invited you here. 01:00:21 Speaker 1: I thought I made myself perfectly clear When you're a guest in my home You gotta come to me empty-handed I said no gifts, your presence is presence enough And I already had too much stuff So how do you dare disobey me? 01:00:53 Speaker 3: Thank you.