1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,640 Speaker 1: The best thing about getting sober from something is now 2 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:07,440 Speaker 1: you have a reason to count the days. So I'm like, okay, 3 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:11,119 Speaker 1: thirty seven days since I did something awesome, and in 4 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: a couple of days, it'll be forty days since I 5 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:16,919 Speaker 1: did something awesome, and I get to celebrate every single 6 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,840 Speaker 1: one of those days if I want to. And when 7 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:21,280 Speaker 1: I had three hundred and sixty five days, I get 8 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:22,040 Speaker 1: to have a birthday. 9 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:30,680 Speaker 2: I've been sober for two hundred and thirteen days and 10 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 2: I'm still counting. Not only am I boy sober right now, 11 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 2: but I'm also sober sober and it's one of the 12 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 2: best things I've done for myself. So today we're talking 13 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:44,839 Speaker 2: about it. I'm hopewordered and welcome to boyob, a space 14 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 2: where we're learning and unlearning all the myths we're taught 15 00:00:48,159 --> 00:01:03,720 Speaker 2: about love and relationships. It's easier to get sober and 16 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,800 Speaker 2: stay sober when you see other examples of sobriety in 17 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,640 Speaker 2: your life. My friend Chris is one of those people. 18 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:12,759 Speaker 2: For me. Well, I call him Chris, but you might 19 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,679 Speaker 2: know him as Nigel Roxbury. He's the host of the 20 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:19,440 Speaker 2: TikTok show Dumb Hot. Chris has been sober for almost 21 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,440 Speaker 2: two years, and to me, he's a great example of 22 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 2: how getting sober doesn't mean you have to give up 23 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,880 Speaker 2: your social life. I wanted to talk to him about 24 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,400 Speaker 2: how he got sober, stays sober, and what new opportunities 25 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,480 Speaker 2: sobriety has opened up for him in his social and 26 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 2: personal life. Chris Hi, Welcome to boy Sober. 27 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:41,039 Speaker 3: What's up? 28 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:42,200 Speaker 2: How are you? 29 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:42,839 Speaker 3: I'm great? 30 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,000 Speaker 2: How are you? Happy? New year? 31 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:46,839 Speaker 3: Thank you? What's your big goal for twenty twenty six? 32 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,440 Speaker 2: No dating again again? No? 33 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 3: I hate that. Oh I know, but you know, Hey, 34 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 3: you're living up to the name of the show. 35 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,639 Speaker 2: Another year on the bench for me, I believe. 36 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 3: Okay, Well, why is that? 37 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 2: I don't think I've quite figured out how to navigate 38 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,079 Speaker 2: love the way I want to sure, And I think 39 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,880 Speaker 2: I've got a couple of things I need to prove 40 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 2: to myself, a couple of like platonic energy I want 41 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,720 Speaker 2: to like bring into the world and things like that. So, yeah, 42 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 2: trying to stay boy sober. 43 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:25,520 Speaker 3: Okay, what about you do yours this year? I think 44 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,440 Speaker 3: like I was in a relationship in twenty twenty five 45 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 3: that ended badly, and I really liked who I was 46 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,560 Speaker 3: during that relationship. I really liked being a boyfriend. I 47 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 3: you know, got sober in April of twenty twenty four, 48 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 3: and acts of service is a big part of that. 49 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,000 Speaker 3: I was in AA, I'm not anymore, but in AA 50 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 3: that is a big tenet of it. And I really 51 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,920 Speaker 3: felt good about myself when I was being of service 52 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 3: to my partner. But also I thought I experienced love 53 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,680 Speaker 3: for the first time. It was kind of thrown back 54 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 3: in my face a little bit when expressed. However, it 55 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,519 Speaker 3: was the first time that I I felt truly vulnerable 56 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 3: and comfortable with a significant other. Again. Did it end 57 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:12,519 Speaker 3: well when I was, No, But it was a nice 58 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 3: feeling that I would like to replicate this year. Does 59 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 3: that mean I am like super gung ho about meeting 60 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:24,080 Speaker 3: the one? No, I think I would like to experience 61 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,800 Speaker 3: that feeling again. It doesn't have to be this year, 62 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,720 Speaker 3: doesn't even have to be next year, but at some point. 63 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,600 Speaker 3: But so that involves a lot of working on myself 64 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 3: as well and continuing to grow as a human. Continuing 65 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,160 Speaker 3: to stay sober every day obviously is the main goal. 66 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,720 Speaker 3: But on a love front, I'm going to be putting 67 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 3: myself out there more because when I first got sober, 68 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 3: I didn't really go out too much. I didn't put 69 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,560 Speaker 3: myself out there. I was really nervous and socially anxious 70 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,200 Speaker 3: a lot of the time. That has largely dissipated. So 71 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 3: it's just about becoming who I am even more and 72 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 3: putting myself out there and whatever comes to me in 73 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:10,160 Speaker 3: that way being myself and just yeah, I'm hopeful that 74 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:10,760 Speaker 3: that is the case. 75 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 2: A couple of things we have to get into before 76 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,880 Speaker 2: we explore that is I call you Chris, yeah, and 77 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:21,840 Speaker 2: the Internet calls you Naser. Do you feel like those 78 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:23,920 Speaker 2: two selves are kind of integrated or do you feel 79 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,040 Speaker 2: like they're two separate things? 80 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,159 Speaker 3: Wow? Okay, wow, I've never really answered that. So I 81 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,960 Speaker 3: made music under the name Nagel Rocksbury, right, And so 82 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,400 Speaker 3: when I started doing the internet videos, I was kind 83 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:38,720 Speaker 3: of losing passion for music. I wasn't very successful in it. 84 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 3: It's a hard industry, all these things. But when I 85 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,800 Speaker 3: made internet videos for the first time, I was still 86 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 3: trying to promote my music. That's why all my names 87 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 3: are that on the Internet. And then when the music 88 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:50,880 Speaker 3: stopped in twenty twenty two, multiple reasons. You know, I 89 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 3: was heavy in addiction at the time, so that doesn't 90 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,920 Speaker 3: help a creative pursuit that much, especially something that involves 91 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,320 Speaker 3: a lot of alone time. And you know, I thought 92 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 3: I was like, oh yeah, when I drink, I'm a 93 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,760 Speaker 3: better songwriter. All these things at wrong. If you think 94 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,360 Speaker 3: you're better, if you think you're better at things when 95 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:10,200 Speaker 3: you're inebriated, you are wrong. And so I just maintained 96 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,599 Speaker 3: that name. I like to use it as a barometer 97 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,880 Speaker 3: for if you really know me in real life, you 98 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,120 Speaker 3: know me as Chris. No one calls me Nigel that 99 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,279 Speaker 3: actually knows. 100 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,960 Speaker 2: Me, right, Tell me about getting sober, Like, where were 101 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,280 Speaker 2: you in life? What made you wake up one day 102 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,159 Speaker 2: and say, let me freaking change my life? Wow? 103 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,279 Speaker 3: Yeah, So got sober at the age of let's see, 104 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:33,320 Speaker 3: I was twenty nine. I got sober because I could 105 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 3: not stop doing anything once I started doing something right. 106 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,480 Speaker 3: So it got to the point where if I had 107 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 3: one drink, I was calling the guy. You know, if 108 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,800 Speaker 3: you know the guy, you know the guy right. And 109 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 3: so that just manifested into me staying up all the time, 110 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,520 Speaker 3: and manifested into me partying NonStop. I was pretty much 111 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:57,279 Speaker 3: drunk or hungover at probably about seventy five percent of 112 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 3: the time. So when you only leave room for a 113 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,800 Speaker 3: quarter of your life to be normal or sober, you 114 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,279 Speaker 3: really aren't leaving any room, right, and it changes the 115 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:07,720 Speaker 3: way your brain thinks. Like, as an addict, I get 116 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 3: into things. I fall very quickly, like hard fall hard 117 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,760 Speaker 3: for things really quickly, whether that's women or a new 118 00:06:14,839 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 3: hobby or any like activity that I'm doing, right, I 119 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,080 Speaker 3: get really upbeat about it, and then the more I 120 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 3: do it, it starts to wane on me, right, because 121 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,960 Speaker 3: I tend to overdo things. So when I was drinking 122 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,920 Speaker 3: and using by the time I got sober, I mean 123 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,160 Speaker 3: I had no money, I was bailing on my friends 124 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 3: all the time. I was a poor partner. You know, 125 00:06:35,279 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 3: there had been I was never The one thing about 126 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 3: me is that I was always the happy, drunk guy. 127 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:45,760 Speaker 3: I was never this downtrodden, mad one, So I nothing 128 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 3: seemed abnormal, right. You would look at me on the surface, 129 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 3: and you'd say, that guy's got a ton of friends, 130 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,160 Speaker 3: girls like him, he seems to like himself, he's funny, 131 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 3: he's outgoing all these things. But when the fun stops 132 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,520 Speaker 3: is when the real shit comes to your head. And 133 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 3: that would hit me like a ton of bricks. I 134 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 3: would always be anxious, I would always be depressed, I 135 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 3: would always be hurting. And I went on this like 136 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:12,360 Speaker 3: three day bender that weekend, and by the end of it, 137 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:15,600 Speaker 3: I had a negative minus two hundred bank balance. My 138 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 3: mom had called me seven times. I fell asleep. I 139 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 3: was asleep till five PM. And she's been sober for 140 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,600 Speaker 3: forty years, my mother, and she knew. I had actually 141 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,440 Speaker 3: tried to get sober twice before and gone to AA 142 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:30,280 Speaker 3: once before. It just didn't stick. This time. Something had 143 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,800 Speaker 3: to change or I felt like I was going to 144 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,920 Speaker 3: die young. Frankly, it got to that point where I 145 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 3: was so unhealthy and so self sabotaging that and funny enough, 146 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,400 Speaker 3: I mean I had thoughts like, oh, I've lived twenty 147 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:45,720 Speaker 3: nine good years. That's enough, Like where that's like really 148 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,680 Speaker 3: sad to think about, right, But I'm really glad I'm here. 149 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 3: The best decision I ever made. I had to make 150 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 3: it or else what I lived to forty It was 151 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,880 Speaker 3: really like that kind of question in my head. 152 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:00,040 Speaker 2: Tell me about the first couple of months going. 153 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:05,040 Speaker 3: So they were equal parts anxiety inducing and uplifting. So 154 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:09,000 Speaker 3: I had the world at my feet seemingly every single day, 155 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 3: which I never felt before because I was either hungover 156 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,000 Speaker 3: or drunk when I woke up right a lot of 157 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,880 Speaker 3: the time. So when you get that, you're almost like, 158 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 3: what do I do with all of this? Like newfound 159 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 3: power totally that I have? Right, And so you know, 160 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:27,520 Speaker 3: I'm trying. I'm skateboarding again, I'm joining leagues, I'm dating again, 161 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,000 Speaker 3: I'm going to see as many friends as I possibly can. 162 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:33,679 Speaker 3: I'm a better employee. Right, there's all of these positives. However, 163 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:38,080 Speaker 3: the negatives came when the sun went down, is when 164 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,720 Speaker 3: I never felt right. So when I was going out, 165 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:44,520 Speaker 3: I was known again as like the very energetic, outgoing 166 00:08:44,559 --> 00:08:47,080 Speaker 3: would talk to anyone guy. I started going out a 167 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,680 Speaker 3: little bit when I got sober, and I realized that 168 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:50,960 Speaker 3: I was not that person at all. 169 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 2: Who were you? 170 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,960 Speaker 3: I was just socially anxious. I wasn't anyone. I didn't 171 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 3: feel like myself. I felt awkward at every step of 172 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,440 Speaker 3: the way. I felt like I was missing out on 173 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 3: something by not drinking with all my friends. Right. I 174 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:08,000 Speaker 3: was just like with my anxiety. How I know it's 175 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 3: bad is when I am thinking about every movement my 176 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 3: body is making. So that is the most powerful overthinking 177 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 3: you could probably have, right, And when I went out, 178 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,319 Speaker 3: that's what I felt consistently. 179 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:21,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, just really aware of your movement. 180 00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:23,600 Speaker 3: Really hyper aware and toolware, right, because when you're in 181 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,959 Speaker 3: a party situation, you want to be loose, you want 182 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,560 Speaker 3: to be grooving, you want to be talking, hanging out. 183 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,679 Speaker 3: And that has taken really over the last like three 184 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,680 Speaker 3: months is when it's gotten a lot better. 185 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:34,840 Speaker 2: What do you think has shifted? 186 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 3: I just think time when I got sober, my mom 187 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:39,760 Speaker 3: was like, look, you're not going to feel the same 188 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,240 Speaker 3: until about six months after. And for me it took 189 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 3: about a year. Yeah, like a little over a year, honestly. 190 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 3: And so I'm approaching this middle ground of Okay, I'm 191 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,840 Speaker 3: at a party, I see some people I know, I 192 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,440 Speaker 3: see some people I don't. Just be yourself, man, don't 193 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,000 Speaker 3: put any pressure on yourself to flirt with that girl, 194 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,000 Speaker 3: to become friends with that person. Just be yourself. Hopefully 195 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 3: things come to me. Plus, the best part about being 196 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,200 Speaker 3: sober you can leave a party whenever you want. Yeah, 197 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 3: and that's really fun because I am not trying to 198 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,800 Speaker 3: be anywhere for more than an hour. Right. 199 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 2: When you're sober, you really can only hang out with 200 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,160 Speaker 2: people you actually. 201 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 3: Like, yes, that is the other thing. 202 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 2: Really develop relationships with people that you can't spend more 203 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,600 Speaker 2: than thirty minutes with exact because you've got to actually 204 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,679 Speaker 2: appreciate what they're. 205 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 3: Saying, and that strengthens your bond with those people. Right, Like, 206 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,720 Speaker 3: I will say I see less people now than I 207 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 3: ever have in my entire life. I was the wide swath, 208 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:34,920 Speaker 3: big group guy a lot of times. 209 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,640 Speaker 2: Getting sober, like, your relationships changed completely. 210 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,280 Speaker 3: They do change, and I will I'm not gonna sit 211 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,080 Speaker 3: here and say every single thing in my life has 212 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,280 Speaker 3: been positive from going sober. The one aspect I would 213 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,440 Speaker 3: say is with the people that I want to have 214 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 3: relationships with, they are much stronger now and they're much 215 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 3: more honest and open. It's not that I don't want 216 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,439 Speaker 3: the people that I was hanging out with in groups 217 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,120 Speaker 3: in my life. It's just we live different lifestyles now, 218 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,720 Speaker 3: so you lose a little bit of touch, lose the 219 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:04,720 Speaker 3: group hangs. Right, And it's been overwhelmingly positive, ninety eight 220 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 3: percent positive. But sometimes I do miss the camaraderie that 221 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 3: drinking can bring. It really just does bring that. However, 222 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,720 Speaker 3: now it's about differentiating that in my life. 223 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:20,360 Speaker 2: How do you feel about AA oh God AA. 224 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:24,120 Speaker 3: So I'm like agnostic, slash atheist, whatever term. I just 225 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:28,040 Speaker 3: don't believe in religion really anything about that spiritually anything 226 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:32,400 Speaker 3: AA is very culty and godlike just being completely honest, 227 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:35,520 Speaker 3: like it really is in biblical and it is something 228 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:38,200 Speaker 3: that you have to have a strong vested interest in 229 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:41,840 Speaker 3: participating it. You can go and sit there in the meetings. 230 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,679 Speaker 3: You know, people got funny stories all these things, but 231 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,240 Speaker 3: they make you participate, they make you, you know, really 232 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,800 Speaker 3: be involved. And I don't think I had a great 233 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,400 Speaker 3: relationship with my sponsor, which is like kind of another story. 234 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 3: But I found that it wasn't for me. I found 235 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,960 Speaker 3: that by the end of AA, i'd been at it 236 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,880 Speaker 3: for like three to four months. I found that I 237 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,520 Speaker 3: just didn't want to ruin my life ever again, right right, 238 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 3: So you know, I think a lot of people say, 239 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,000 Speaker 3: you can't white knuckle it, you can't rely on self. 240 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:12,160 Speaker 3: Will For me, it's been the opposite. Yeah, I was 241 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,720 Speaker 3: in therapy like that obviously helped and everything. I found 242 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:19,240 Speaker 3: other avenues to work around the want of drinking. And 243 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,640 Speaker 3: plus I'm like too busy to drink. I'm too like 244 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,040 Speaker 3: I would disappoint so many people that why would I 245 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,760 Speaker 3: ever do that again? And I know, based on how 246 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 3: I drink, that I can't be a functioning alcoholic, Like 247 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 3: it's just zero to one hundred. Immediately everything and leave 248 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 3: all of this back here in ruin. And then I 249 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 3: got to start over. That sounds annoying, shit, too much work. 250 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:44,840 Speaker 3: It is, so I'm not anti AA, It's just not 251 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,440 Speaker 3: for everyone, and there's other ways to go around it. 252 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:51,480 Speaker 3: I started researching, you know, addiction pretty hard reading. 253 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,280 Speaker 2: Your mom is an addiction therapist. 254 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 3: My mother was a drug counselor. She now works more 255 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,840 Speaker 3: on the business side of mental health, but addiction counselor 256 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,360 Speaker 3: I think is probably a good term for what she did. 257 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 3: I can't be quite sure about the actual term. But 258 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:10,440 Speaker 3: she has treated you know, anywhere from celebrities to junkies 259 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,880 Speaker 3: on skid row. So she was a big help for me. 260 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 3: Your mom probably shouldn't be your sponsor, but she was 261 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 3: there whenever I needed guidance, whenever I had a question. 262 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,720 Speaker 3: And again, I'm someone that's very analytical about certain things, 263 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,920 Speaker 3: addiction being one of them. I had read up on 264 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 3: all this stuff before I knew I was an addict 265 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 3: for multiple years before I actually made the decision to 266 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 3: go sober, and so I had a lot in my 267 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,520 Speaker 3: wheelhouse as far as knowledge backing and knowing what's gonna 268 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,200 Speaker 3: happen if you drink again and all these things. So again, 269 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 3: A is not for everyone, wasn't for me. 270 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,360 Speaker 2: But was there a moment or like a time where 271 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,680 Speaker 2: you were talking to your mom about like what was 272 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,719 Speaker 2: going on and staying sober and she gave you like 273 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,160 Speaker 2: a wonderful piece of advice. 274 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,400 Speaker 3: No one regrets getting sober. That was what she said 275 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,040 Speaker 3: to me. So true, and who regrets getting sober? It's 276 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,600 Speaker 3: impossible to regret it. But the more I talk and 277 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:02,680 Speaker 3: think about it, I'm just like, why why would I 278 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:03,560 Speaker 3: do this to myself? 279 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:04,160 Speaker 2: I waste? 280 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,360 Speaker 3: I loved drinking. I loved it so much, but sometimes 281 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:09,800 Speaker 3: when you love something, you have to let it go. 282 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:14,640 Speaker 3: And it didn't love me back, it stopped loving me back. 283 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:37,440 Speaker 2: Basically, how do you think getting sober changed your dating life? 284 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 3: So when I started in AA and they're like, don't 285 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,320 Speaker 3: fucking date your first year, don't do it, didn't listen 286 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 3: at all because I felt like my escape from not 287 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,960 Speaker 3: going the party route was to date because it gave 288 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 3: me one on one time with an individual I wanted 289 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,120 Speaker 3: to get to know in a public setting, right, and 290 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,400 Speaker 3: so that was nice that time. Of course, it gave 291 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,760 Speaker 3: me almost a sense of purpose in a weird way. 292 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,920 Speaker 3: In connection, that's the better word. And so I actually 293 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 3: kind of went on a dating spree when I got sober, 294 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 3: and because it's not what you're supposed to do, and I, 295 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,040 Speaker 3: looking back, I don't think it was the right move. 296 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,720 Speaker 3: I was worried that I wasn't going to be able 297 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,920 Speaker 3: to meet anyone ever again by not going out. So 298 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 3: I did get on the apps, and you know, I 299 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 3: met some fine people. But that being said, I don't 300 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,880 Speaker 3: really recommend spree dating after getting sober. It helped me 301 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:35,360 Speaker 3: connect a little bit. But what happened was is I 302 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,000 Speaker 3: got really burnt out. I got super burnt out, and 303 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:42,080 Speaker 3: then I DMed this pretty girl on Instagram. We hit 304 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:43,920 Speaker 3: it off and we ended up dating for eight months, 305 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 3: eight tumultuous months. But I think I needed to give 306 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,120 Speaker 3: myself a little bit of time to grow because now 307 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 3: I get into a relationship with someone and I'm still 308 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,280 Speaker 3: learning a lot about myself. But I think I jumped 309 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 3: into things a little fast with dating. 310 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,560 Speaker 2: When you were going through your big breakup. Did you 311 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 2: want to drink again? 312 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,320 Speaker 3: No, because what would that fix? 313 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:05,560 Speaker 1: Yeah? 314 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,440 Speaker 3: That would just make everything you were just really ready 315 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,960 Speaker 3: to face. In the last year, I had my childhood 316 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:14,000 Speaker 3: home burned down, I got cheated on, got back in 317 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,640 Speaker 3: the relationship, got dumped unceremoniously, had to go to a 318 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,200 Speaker 3: wedding in which she was going to be the plus 319 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,920 Speaker 3: one in six days alone with a seat next to 320 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,400 Speaker 3: me empty, all these things, right, I could have gone 321 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:28,200 Speaker 3: back so quick. Nothing is stopping me from drinking again 322 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:32,200 Speaker 3: except for myself. It doesn't. It just doesn't won't make 323 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 3: any sense in my life. It doesn't serve me in 324 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 3: my life anymore. Right, So that is really like the 325 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:42,000 Speaker 3: major key for me is it's this very simple decision, 326 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 3: will your life get better if you start drinking again? 327 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 3: The answer is always now it forever will be no true, 328 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:50,440 Speaker 3: And that's why I want to will be and have 329 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:52,120 Speaker 3: to maintain sobriety for the rest of my life. 330 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just for the better, you know. I got sober. 331 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,120 Speaker 2: I'm on my second round of being sober. Sober. 332 00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:58,520 Speaker 3: Yeah. 333 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,680 Speaker 2: My first drink after quitting for like a year and 334 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,840 Speaker 2: a half was with a woman named Barbara Hey. 335 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:05,240 Speaker 3: Barbara. 336 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,840 Speaker 2: It was like her sixty fifth birthday. She was like, 337 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,199 Speaker 2: you want to have some rum? And I was like, 338 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,600 Speaker 2: what the heck? I've been doing so well, Like I 339 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,800 Speaker 2: can have a glass thrown in Barbara's apartment in Queen. 340 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,919 Speaker 2: Nothing's going to go that sideways, right, But then I 341 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 2: started drinking again and my life didn't kind of fall apart. 342 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,480 Speaker 2: I can't say, I can't say it's like a direct correlation, 343 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,119 Speaker 2: but I can say that it was a part of 344 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,280 Speaker 2: my life when things started to go south. 345 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 3: Being a drinker, you're objectively a selfish person. It's a 346 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,280 Speaker 3: selfish pursuit. To be an addict, you have to think 347 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:42,159 Speaker 3: about yourself. You have to think about how you're going 348 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,640 Speaker 3: to get your next whatever you're addicted to is so 349 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,480 Speaker 3: how can you grow as an individual when you are 350 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,400 Speaker 3: take take, taking instead of giving, and. 351 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:55,080 Speaker 2: Just constantly trying to like comfort, do you know what 352 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:57,360 Speaker 2: I mean? Like you're just constantly trying to like feel 353 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,640 Speaker 2: okay in a space, or like when I'm drinking my worst, 354 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,920 Speaker 2: it is like I'm just trying to be here. I'm 355 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:05,800 Speaker 2: trying to like drown out my own thoughts rather than 356 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:06,680 Speaker 2: just listen to them. 357 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,440 Speaker 3: A lot of the times I drank to get out 358 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 3: of my own head. Yeah, of core, right, because it 359 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,560 Speaker 3: silenced a lot of it. Yeah, and it told me 360 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 3: what I was doing was good. Yeah right, you know, 361 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,440 Speaker 3: and then you go to sleep. H You wake up 362 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,360 Speaker 3: and you realize what you just did for two days 363 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:24,080 Speaker 3: straight was the dumbest shit of all time pointless? 364 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:24,600 Speaker 2: Right? 365 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,440 Speaker 3: And who would want to go back to that? I 366 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:30,080 Speaker 3: have such a full life now. I have relationships that 367 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,960 Speaker 3: really mean something instead of just being like drinking buddies. 368 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,479 Speaker 3: I have such a good, trustful and proud relationship with 369 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,479 Speaker 3: my family. You know, I'm a better employee. When I 370 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,040 Speaker 3: was in a relationship, I felt like I was a 371 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,199 Speaker 3: very good partner. And so who would want to go 372 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,400 Speaker 3: back to being selfish and high and drunk all the time? 373 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,680 Speaker 2: Do you remember your first sober date? 374 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 3: My first? No, I don't. I don't. I'm sure I 375 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,840 Speaker 3: could look back in some messages and find whom it was. 376 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,800 Speaker 3: I I can't remember my first day. 377 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,640 Speaker 2: How has getting sober affected your sex life? 378 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,560 Speaker 3: So when I was using, you would run into the 379 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:14,360 Speaker 3: issue of not being able to perform. That was never 380 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:18,159 Speaker 3: really an issue until I started getting older, and then 381 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,520 Speaker 3: it started becoming a really big issue. It also became 382 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,400 Speaker 3: an issue where I would rather drink and use than 383 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,199 Speaker 3: there would be a beautiful person next to me who 384 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,560 Speaker 3: I could kiss, and you'd be like boring and I'd 385 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:31,040 Speaker 3: be like, you know, and it would be like you doing. 386 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,560 Speaker 2: You are not a line of powder. 387 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,399 Speaker 3: Yeah, you are not the drug in front of me. 388 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,600 Speaker 3: You're not the next exactly I'll try, but no, And 389 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:47,359 Speaker 3: so that was disheartening. And since then my sex life 390 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,440 Speaker 3: is is much better. And now you know, the other 391 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 3: thing was not only was I drinking, I was also 392 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,320 Speaker 3: on zoloft and hair medication at the same time. Those 393 00:19:56,359 --> 00:20:01,240 Speaker 3: are three libido killers. Okay, now I'm just on solved, 394 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,080 Speaker 3: So I've taken away two big libido killers and still 395 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:09,480 Speaker 3: have one. But yeah, it became a problem. And now 396 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:14,000 Speaker 3: it's much healthier. And I'm also less like Leccherous as 397 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,760 Speaker 3: an individual like I want a relationship to breathe and 398 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:22,320 Speaker 3: grow naturally. I am a sexual person like I'm not 399 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,800 Speaker 3: going to necessarily decline that opportunity if the passion is 400 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,360 Speaker 3: there and the right it's the right decision to make 401 00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:32,800 Speaker 3: and all these things. But I find myself slowing down 402 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,600 Speaker 3: on that front when I can potentially see something with 403 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 3: the individual. I was someone that was aiming to have 404 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,840 Speaker 3: sex the very first time I met someone. Every time 405 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:49,439 Speaker 3: now a one night stand is pretty far from my 406 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,080 Speaker 3: thinking when I first meet someone. 407 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, there's some like relearning to it, though, because I think, 408 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,679 Speaker 2: like I did not have sober sex until I was 409 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:03,239 Speaker 2: like twenty. I mean, of course I had it like 410 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,439 Speaker 2: some but like once you go to college, and like 411 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 2: in college it's like sex and drinking is happening all 412 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:09,360 Speaker 2: the time. 413 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,720 Speaker 3: Ninety the time I was in college. 414 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,120 Speaker 2: Right totally, And so I do think that there are 415 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,919 Speaker 2: a lot of people who like have no relationsship to 416 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,080 Speaker 2: sex sober. 417 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,879 Speaker 3: I remember when I dated my first girlfriend when I 418 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:25,199 Speaker 3: was twenty five years old. I initially had issues with 419 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,600 Speaker 3: being in the moment with her. I was thinking about 420 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,919 Speaker 3: other people doing it, which is which is bad. It 421 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,760 Speaker 3: was my real people, real people, like yeah, real or 422 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,320 Speaker 3: like you know what I've seen. I've also like stopped 423 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,399 Speaker 3: for the most part. I'm trying to get even better. 424 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,200 Speaker 3: But pornography it's not a big part of my life anymore, 425 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,720 Speaker 3: and it was back then because so. 426 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,080 Speaker 2: Many guys, so many men. 427 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,920 Speaker 3: It's very damaging. Oh my god, it's extremely damaging. Like 428 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,920 Speaker 3: When you're an addict, you want gratification as fast as possible. 429 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,919 Speaker 3: Pornography is so easy. 430 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,840 Speaker 2: Was it ever an issue in a relationship. 431 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,640 Speaker 3: No, it wasn't ever an issue then. But I remember 432 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,760 Speaker 3: early on in that relationship I was I wasn't in 433 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,760 Speaker 3: the moment. I wasn't thinking about the beautiful person that 434 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,960 Speaker 3: I'm doing this with. I was thinking about someone else, 435 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,880 Speaker 3: you know, And that's crazy to think about. But over 436 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:12,200 Speaker 3: time that that changed and it made our sex lives 437 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:16,399 Speaker 3: so much better. But again, that's that addict mind going 438 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,920 Speaker 3: to the next thing while you're in the moment of 439 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,600 Speaker 3: something that could be great. Right, So when you're using, 440 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,040 Speaker 3: you are not thinking about this beautiful person next to me, 441 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,200 Speaker 3: You're not thinking about the party. You're thinking about what's 442 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,280 Speaker 3: the next joke I can crack, what's the next you 443 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,600 Speaker 3: know usage, I can do? What's the next drink I'm 444 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,760 Speaker 3: gonna use? Who's the next person that's gonna walk in? 445 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,800 Speaker 3: That's that's hot that I can talk to, next, next, next, next, next. 446 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,400 Speaker 3: You can never be in the moment when you drank 447 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:43,280 Speaker 3: and use like I did. 448 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,159 Speaker 2: Do you feel like your kind of addiction habits like 449 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 2: do like feed into your love life? Or do you 450 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,639 Speaker 2: feel like you've kind of separated using people as a 451 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:56,479 Speaker 2: bit of an escape. 452 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,119 Speaker 3: I have anxious attachment for sure. 453 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,160 Speaker 2: And for the listeners, what does that mean? 454 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,560 Speaker 3: That means that I am unsure if you like me 455 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,960 Speaker 3: pretty much at every step of the way seriously. And 456 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,320 Speaker 3: you know what really sucks is that that has actually 457 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,879 Speaker 3: been proven correct in my relationships. I've been cheated on 458 00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:19,400 Speaker 3: in both relationships, and so I always felt not good 459 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,880 Speaker 3: enough in these relationships, right, And it's something I'm still 460 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,439 Speaker 3: trying to work on. I'm still I don't want to 461 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:29,840 Speaker 3: never not be myself. I have learned now through sobriety 462 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 3: that things that are not serving me quit them. They 463 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,159 Speaker 3: don't need to be in your life anymore. Coffee was 464 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,560 Speaker 3: giving me panic attacks, smoking was making me feel like shit? 465 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,440 Speaker 3: Why do I need that in my life? Yes, there's 466 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:44,199 Speaker 3: an addiction to it, but learning how to be able 467 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:45,800 Speaker 3: to quit one thing can help you learn how to 468 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:48,199 Speaker 3: quit others. So I mean that is like not to 469 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,919 Speaker 3: make this an advice column, but my biggest piece of 470 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,680 Speaker 3: advice is learning how to quit negative things in your life. 471 00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,240 Speaker 3: If they're not serving you, you don't need to do it. 472 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,080 Speaker 3: You don't need to do anything you have free. 473 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:16,600 Speaker 2: Will, taking drinking out of the equation. How do you 474 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,919 Speaker 2: connect with people in the earlier stages of dating. 475 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,920 Speaker 3: I think it's about a lot of it is quality time. 476 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:25,280 Speaker 3: A lot of it is sharing interests as well and 477 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,520 Speaker 3: seeing if those align, and even if they don't, seeing 478 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:33,680 Speaker 3: if there's openness to learning about what your partner is into. Right. 479 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,680 Speaker 3: I really love film, I really love sports. Those are 480 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:41,920 Speaker 3: not for everyone, but a willingness to see the passion 481 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,480 Speaker 3: that someone has for something and trying to meet them 482 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:49,840 Speaker 3: even a quarter of the way there is really endearing 483 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,480 Speaker 3: to me. I would love nothing more than to watch 484 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:56,199 Speaker 3: a Manchester United soccer game with a partner, and I 485 00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,679 Speaker 3: don't care if she's asking a thousand bajillion questions. That 486 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,640 Speaker 3: would be like the cutest thing to me of all time, 487 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:07,159 Speaker 3: because it's because it's something I'm passionate about. Right, I 488 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:12,200 Speaker 3: would say friends, their friends, seeing what their friend group 489 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,320 Speaker 3: looks like, becoming friends with their friends, I think is 490 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,439 Speaker 3: very important as well. You want the friends on your side, 491 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:20,080 Speaker 3: but also who people surround themselves with. Of course, you know, 492 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,560 Speaker 3: if it's if it's nothing but toxicity around you, how 493 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,320 Speaker 3: is that not going to permeate into your relationship. Right, 494 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,600 Speaker 3: So I would say those are like the three big things. Also, 495 00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:31,560 Speaker 3: if they're hilarious like that, that always helps. 496 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,879 Speaker 2: Of course, when you meet someone, is it just on 497 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 2: the apps you're meeting people now? Or do you like 498 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,040 Speaker 2: go up to people at a party, Like how do 499 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:39,160 Speaker 2: you pick someone up at a party? 500 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,000 Speaker 3: I would say I'm not dating through the apps as 501 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,320 Speaker 3: much anymore. Yes, I'm on them, Yes I'm swiping. Yes 502 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,120 Speaker 3: they're matches. Yes, I'll go on a date. 503 00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 2: Yes, yes people want me. 504 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:50,080 Speaker 3: Yes, I do have a hinge day tomorrow. 505 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:52,680 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, wait, what's your go to sober date? 506 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 3: Dinner? 507 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:53,840 Speaker 2: Dinner? 508 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,840 Speaker 3: Oh? In meeting people, I am not afraid to shoot 509 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,440 Speaker 3: off a DM sure on Instagram. Not afraid at all. 510 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:01,360 Speaker 3: And I'm going out a little bit more. I meet 511 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,919 Speaker 3: people out, you know. I still go to like events, 512 00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:06,159 Speaker 3: you know, and stuff being on the internet, like you 513 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,280 Speaker 3: get invited to cool things, try to go, try to 514 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,879 Speaker 3: meet people. I was seeing a girl for a little bit. 515 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,879 Speaker 3: She moved to Argentina, but I met her at a 516 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:17,639 Speaker 3: pickleball event. Love, you know, just things like that. There's 517 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:22,600 Speaker 3: multiple ways I'm happy that I'm not relying on the apps. Yeah, 518 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:25,280 Speaker 3: I guess Instagram is an app, but it's not technically 519 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,760 Speaker 3: a dating app, but I am. I have no qualms 520 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,280 Speaker 3: with saying, hey, I think you're stunning. We'd love to 521 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:31,119 Speaker 3: take you out to dinner. 522 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:32,280 Speaker 2: How do you handle rejection? 523 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,359 Speaker 3: Well, I think now because I'm used to it. I 524 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,760 Speaker 3: was a child actor, so I developed it. Then I 525 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:40,160 Speaker 3: was an athlete who played at the Division II level, 526 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,960 Speaker 3: so that means I got rejected by the top two divisions. 527 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:47,920 Speaker 3: I wasn't the most confident or best looking in college, 528 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,959 Speaker 3: like I'm used to it in a lot of ways. 529 00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 3: I actually sent that DM to someone earlier today and 530 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,719 Speaker 3: she goes, hey, I'm in a relationship, but thank you, 531 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:01,640 Speaker 3: and I go, hope it goes well, lucky guy. If 532 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:02,960 Speaker 3: anything changes, you know where to find me. 533 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:04,119 Speaker 2: Yeah, boom, hit me out. 534 00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:05,480 Speaker 3: It's so good. We also live in New York City. 535 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,960 Speaker 3: Who's what nine million people here? 536 00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:10,600 Speaker 2: Do you have a good sober support system? 537 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:15,560 Speaker 3: It's interesting that you mentioned that, because people would look 538 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,760 Speaker 3: at what I say as my support system and say, no, 539 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:21,880 Speaker 3: that's not They still drink. What I've done a good 540 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,679 Speaker 3: job of is surrounding myself with people that are highly 541 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,760 Speaker 3: ambitious and don't let alcohol get in the way of that. 542 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:31,160 Speaker 3: So I'm not gonna sit here and say everyone around 543 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:34,359 Speaker 3: me is sober or not drinking. What I can say 544 00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,440 Speaker 3: is that they motivate me and they inspire me, and that, 545 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,159 Speaker 3: to me is what keeps me going a lot of 546 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:40,440 Speaker 3: the time. 547 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 2: Totally. 548 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:43,000 Speaker 3: I also, yes, I have sober friends, You're a great example, 549 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:47,440 Speaker 3: but I don't need sobriety around me at all times. 550 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:47,800 Speaker 2: Totally. 551 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,919 Speaker 3: I find that it's almost a little toxic to do that, 552 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,960 Speaker 3: because then that's all you're talking about, right. Sober people 553 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,040 Speaker 3: got so much shit they're dealing with all the time. 554 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:59,080 Speaker 3: People that can, people that can moderate alcohol are more 555 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,959 Speaker 3: normal than we are, totally. 556 00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:02,840 Speaker 2: So it's like, I don't know who could like have 557 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,200 Speaker 2: a drink without needing. 558 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:08,120 Speaker 3: For exactly that to be more normal than your ability 559 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:12,960 Speaker 3: to moderate, you know. So I can't do it, but 560 00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:15,560 Speaker 3: you can go to be me. So I focus on 561 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:19,920 Speaker 3: surrounding myself with people that, yeah, are inspirational and motivate. 562 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:21,359 Speaker 2: Me, who have like a good head on their shoulder. 563 00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:23,639 Speaker 3: Good head on their shoulders, don't like direction yeah, and 564 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,000 Speaker 3: aren't like addicted to anything, you know, But you don't 565 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:27,560 Speaker 3: have to be completely who are. 566 00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:32,240 Speaker 2: Weirdly nothing like me, and that if you if we 567 00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:35,520 Speaker 2: like someone we're listening who is not, who like wants 568 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:38,280 Speaker 2: to be sober but doesn't want to approach the AA thing, 569 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 2: what is your advice on getting sober alone? 570 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,800 Speaker 3: I would say, do as much research on addiction as 571 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:48,080 Speaker 3: you can and find out what type of alcohol use 572 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,840 Speaker 3: disorder you have in a way, let's say, actually, you 573 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:53,320 Speaker 3: know what, let's tick out alcohol use disorder. Let's just 574 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:55,520 Speaker 3: say you want to go sober because it's affecting your 575 00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:58,120 Speaker 3: lifestyle and that it's not serving you anymore, right. 576 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,440 Speaker 2: Because I think something that holds people back, it's like 577 00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:04,160 Speaker 2: not labeling themselves as an alcoholic and you're sort of 578 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,520 Speaker 2: able to like exist in that world or like with 579 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:12,760 Speaker 2: really self destructive habits because you're like, I'm not an alcoholic, 580 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:16,160 Speaker 2: but I like that you use the terminology like alcohol 581 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:17,440 Speaker 2: abuse disorder. 582 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 3: Alcohol use disorder. That's like the use the scientific term 583 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:24,000 Speaker 3: for it. I needed that label because I needed to 584 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:26,760 Speaker 3: crumble myself to the ground and build myself back up. 585 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:29,760 Speaker 3: So I needed the label of you have this wrong 586 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:33,880 Speaker 3: with you. This is science scientifically backed. Anyway, back to 587 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:36,680 Speaker 3: what we were talking about, which is what what's your advice. 588 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:39,360 Speaker 2: What's your advice to people who want to make like 589 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,080 Speaker 2: a life change and get sober? 590 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,560 Speaker 3: Quit things if they're not serving you. That's that's really 591 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,840 Speaker 3: the biggest advice I have. I can't tell you what 592 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:48,320 Speaker 3: to do on a day to day basis. What I 593 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:51,000 Speaker 3: can tell you is surround yourself with people that motivate 594 00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:54,400 Speaker 3: and inspire you. Quit things if they're not serving you. 595 00:29:54,880 --> 00:30:01,600 Speaker 3: Reinvest in hobbies forgotten, invest the ones that you currently have. 596 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 3: Make sure that you are not stagnant with your time. 597 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:10,280 Speaker 3: I find that anytime I am sitting and not doing anything, 598 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:13,640 Speaker 3: I can spiral. And luckily it's not a spiral that 599 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:17,800 Speaker 3: would encourage drinking, right, it's more of I like to 600 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,240 Speaker 3: say active really it's what I'm trying to say, and 601 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,520 Speaker 3: active that doesn't. I can be active at home sitting alone, 602 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:26,600 Speaker 3: whether it's you know, thinking of a new video idea, 603 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:29,720 Speaker 3: playing video games, cooking, making something new. 604 00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:33,040 Speaker 2: Did getting sober get you closer to knowing sort of 605 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 2: what you want? 606 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:36,520 Speaker 3: Absolutely? Yea one hundred percent. I know that I want 607 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:41,320 Speaker 3: a really fulfilled life with the right people in it, 608 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:45,360 Speaker 3: and a really like I say fulfilled, I really mean full, 609 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:48,520 Speaker 3: being a creative really helps. I kind of feel bad 610 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:50,040 Speaker 3: for the people that want to go sober and don't 611 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:52,480 Speaker 3: have a creative outlet. I would say it doesn't have 612 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:53,920 Speaker 3: to be a creative outlet, but I would say no. 613 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:56,560 Speaker 2: The first time I got sober was the first open 614 00:30:56,600 --> 00:31:00,680 Speaker 2: mic I ever did. It was like, I was like 615 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:02,680 Speaker 2: a month sober, and I was like, what do I 616 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:06,600 Speaker 2: do with all my time? So my time and energy newfound, 617 00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:08,400 Speaker 2: and I went to an open mic. So I sort 618 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:12,760 Speaker 2: of feel like getting sober can absolutely lead to a. 619 00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 3: Create Getting sober unlocks your brain. 620 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:17,640 Speaker 2: Completely, you know, well just open space up. 621 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:19,360 Speaker 3: It opens a lot of space up, and you feel 622 00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:21,680 Speaker 3: emotions that you haven't felt since you're like thirteen years old. 623 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:24,479 Speaker 3: I started. I started using marijuana at fourteen. 624 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:26,719 Speaker 2: Yeah, I haven't so many people I had. 625 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:29,520 Speaker 3: I had not been sober for more than a month 626 00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:32,040 Speaker 3: since I was fifteen years old. Right, So when you 627 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 3: take that out and you open up your brain, think 628 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:37,320 Speaker 3: about the world in front. 629 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,960 Speaker 2: Of you, right, completely right, So, yeah, it's new. 630 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:42,760 Speaker 3: It's it's so new, and it will forever still be fresh. 631 00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:45,120 Speaker 3: I'm still evolving as a as a human being. 632 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,920 Speaker 2: My last question, yeah, is what is one thing you've 633 00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:50,320 Speaker 2: had to unlearn about love. 634 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:53,080 Speaker 3: I had to unlearn that I was unworthy of love, 635 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,080 Speaker 3: being an addict, being as selfish as I was, as 636 00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:01,360 Speaker 3: unloved for myself I felt. I mean, I was an 637 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:04,600 Speaker 3: habitual self sabotager and had no idea who I was, 638 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:08,720 Speaker 3: and also had no love for myself completely, So how 639 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:13,160 Speaker 3: can I find love even know what that emotion feels 640 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,800 Speaker 3: like if I don't respect myself or put that onto myself. 641 00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:21,320 Speaker 3: I was running into a lot of roadblocks of why 642 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 3: isn't anyone loving me back? Why isn't anyone giving me 643 00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:28,760 Speaker 3: what I feel like I'm giving to them? But I 644 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:32,160 Speaker 3: didn't love myself. Love is an emotion I'm not quite 645 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:36,479 Speaker 3: sure i've felt outside of parental love. However, I know 646 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:41,440 Speaker 3: that I'm learning to love myself every single day, will sober, 647 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:48,920 Speaker 3: and that I'm worthy of it. 648 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,680 Speaker 2: It's easier to love and be loved when you feel 649 00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:54,680 Speaker 2: great about yourself. Thanks to Chris for showing us that 650 00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:57,760 Speaker 2: taking the leap to care for yourself is completely and 651 00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:02,000 Speaker 2: utterly worth it every single time. Thank y'all so much 652 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:17,360 Speaker 2: for listening, and we'll talk next week. Boy Sover is 653 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:22,080 Speaker 2: a production of iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host Hopewordard. Our 654 00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:26,720 Speaker 2: executive producers are Christina Everett and Julie Pinero. Our supervising 655 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:31,240 Speaker 2: producer is Emily Meronoff. Our assistant producer is Logan Palau. 656 00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:37,280 Speaker 2: Engineering by Bahid Fraser and mixing and mastering by Abu Zafar. 657 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:41,360 Speaker 2: If you liked this episode, please tell a friend and 658 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,520 Speaker 2: don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to Boy Sober 659 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:48,400 Speaker 2: on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get 660 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:49,360 Speaker 2: your favorite shows.