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Speaker 1: Welcome to Pretty Private with Ebine, a space where no

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Speaker 1: question is off limits and storylines become lifelines. The views

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Speaker 1: shared by our guests are meant to inform, entertain, and empower.

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Speaker 1: From the laughs to the lessons, Just remember tough times

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Speaker 1: don't last, but professional Homegirls do enjoy the show.

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Speaker 2: This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advice. What's

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Speaker 2: up Professional Homegirls? I hope all is cute? Ishagar ebyday

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Speaker 2: here and welcome back to another episode of Pretty Private

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Speaker 2: with Ebanay. Now, before we get into this week's episode,

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Speaker 2: let's do a little key key Okay. So after the rebrand,

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Speaker 2: you know, I told myself this season, I'm gonna give

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Speaker 2: it my all when it comes to scaling this business. Okay,

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Speaker 2: And I'm not just talking about the podcast. I'm talking

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Speaker 2: about everything that is under the Professional Homegirl umbrother.

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Speaker 3: Right, and Baby.

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Speaker 2: When I tell y'all I am locked in, I absolutely

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Speaker 2: mean I am locked in. So I plan out the

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Speaker 2: next few months all the way into twenty twenty six.

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Speaker 2: You know, I'm mapping out goals that I will accomplish,

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Speaker 2: such as dropping volume three and Volume four of the

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Speaker 2: coloring book series, which is like very very very soon,

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Speaker 2: Like I'm super excited for you all to see what's

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Speaker 2: to come. And then also just grow my YouTube page,

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Speaker 2: so make sure you follow the Professional Homegirl on YouTube.

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Speaker 2: We are almost at one thousand subscribers. Make sure you

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Speaker 2: watch some videos because once I hit a certain threshold,

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Speaker 2: I will be able to monetize and also do some

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Speaker 2: really cool things on YouTube. So please please please make

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Speaker 2: sure you subscribe. And also most importantly, you know, I

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Speaker 2: just told myself that I need to get into rooms

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Speaker 2: where the people who make the decisions are at will

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Speaker 2: see me. Okay, I feel like most of y'all met me,

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Speaker 2: But for the most part, when you get to experience Ebana,

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Speaker 2: I feel like, you know, it's a good time here.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 2: And I feel like that's the reason why people really

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Speaker 2: do enjoy my show, because they also have a relationship

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Speaker 2: with me. I mean, some of y'all even have my

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Speaker 2: personal numbers, so I think that speaks volumes. But you know,

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Speaker 2: I just feel like I'm a good time.

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Speaker 3: I'm good energy.

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Speaker 2: So last week I went to Atlanta for the PRX

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Speaker 2: and Apple podcasts even and y'all know, lie, and this

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Speaker 2: is not a plug. It was really good, like it

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Speaker 2: was very intimate. You know, I saw so many of

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Speaker 2: my podcast friends and I even got to hang out

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Speaker 2: with my girl Cassandra from b well sis.

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Speaker 3: Hey girl, Hey.

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Speaker 2: So we hit up different workshops like what's New at

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Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, which was super informative, being a team of

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Speaker 2: one power and purpose as an independent which was so social,

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Speaker 2: so good, and I really enjoyed this conversation because I

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Speaker 2: think a lot of times when we are creating, we

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Speaker 2: feel as if we are the only one that is

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Speaker 2: experiencing things as an entrepreneur or a podcast or a creator.

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Speaker 3: So it was very very.

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Speaker 2: Good to see people being honest and forthcoming about their

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Speaker 2: journeys and where they're at and their relationship with you know,

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Speaker 2: just trying to make it burnout and all the things

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Speaker 2: when it comes to creating. And last not least, we

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Speaker 2: also attended shows they love attracted and engaging listeners.

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Speaker 3: And you know, I literally met everyone.

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Speaker 2: That worked the Apple podcast like the Who's Who and

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Speaker 2: also at PRX, so it was such a good way

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Speaker 2: to connect face to face. Then, speaking of attracting listeners,

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Speaker 2: you know, me and Cassandra, we was kicking or whatever,

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Speaker 2: and she was like, oh yeah, cause I saw you

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Speaker 2: on the front page of Apple Podcasts on the new Shows,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, you saw who and she was like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I saw you. Like I was gonna screenshot it, but

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Speaker 2: I figure you already know. So I was like, girl,

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Speaker 2: get the fuck out of here, like you gotta show

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Speaker 2: me like I'm feeding right, And just like that and

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Speaker 2: my Carrie Bradshaw voice pretty Private with ebanay is on

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Speaker 2: the front page of Apple podcast.

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Speaker 5: Y'all.

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Speaker 2: I was so freaking excited. I love Keywaning Crockash. I know,

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Speaker 2: I get like super emo. But you know what the

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Speaker 2: crazy part is. You know, I had this podcast idea

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Speaker 2: for years that I keep putting off, right, and I

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Speaker 2: kept thinking like, damn, well, people ain't even support this idea, Like,

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Speaker 2: you know, I don't really have no awards, which I

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Speaker 2: told myself I'm gonna start going out for. But I

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Speaker 2: also was like, I don't know, like I haven't even

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Speaker 2: been on the front page of Apple podcast yet. And y'all,

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Speaker 2: I swear God was like here girl, damn because right

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Speaker 2: after I had that thought, Cassandra told me about the

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Speaker 2: good News. So if you go on Apple Podcasts, if

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Speaker 2: you click browse, if you scroll down on their news shows.

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Speaker 2: Go to the right, you would see your girl right

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Speaker 2: there pretty private with Ebana. So I say all that

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Speaker 2: to say, never speak against yourself because the moment you

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Speaker 2: start doubting is off in the moment your blessing is

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Speaker 2: on the way. So thank you all for supporting and

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Speaker 2: make sure you share your screenshots of your girl on

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Speaker 2: the front page of Apple podcasts.

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Speaker 3: Now.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode, our guest shared her journey with

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Speaker 2: alcohol and man, y'all.

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Speaker 3: What a testimony.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 2: We start off with why it's important to tell the

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Speaker 2: truth about family secrets and how that honesty can literally

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Speaker 2: save a life. We talk about her upbringing and how

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Speaker 2: her early relationships with medication as a child made her

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Speaker 2: more acceptan of alcohol because of the way it made

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Speaker 2: everyone feel around her. And once y'all hear this, it

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Speaker 2: was absolutely heartbreaking how she connected the tooth. So I'm

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Speaker 2: just super excited for you all to hear this conversation

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Speaker 2: and I really do hope you all enjoy it because

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Speaker 2: alcohol almost killed me.

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Speaker 3: Part one starts now.

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Speaker 2: To my guests, thank you so much for being on

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Speaker 2: the show.

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Speaker 3: How you doing, how you feeling.

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Speaker 4: Ebanay I and blessed? You know. I'm ready to do this.

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Speaker 5: Who I feel like I'm at the top of roller coaster,

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Speaker 5: Rada gone down, So let's.

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Speaker 3: Do it, y'all.

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Speaker 2: She didn't ask me if my name was really up

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Speaker 2: inag She was like, is that your real name?

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Speaker 4: I'm like, yeah, girl, I like that though. I'm like,

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Speaker 4: it's so different and unique.

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Speaker 5: It is so rare that you like, especially with me

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Speaker 5: living in Atlanta, it's so rare for me to meet

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Speaker 5: anybody with like a really unique or different name.

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Speaker 4: So it's very refreshing.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was like, what

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Speaker 3: who else name?

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Speaker 4: Is it yours?

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Speaker 3: Okay?

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Speaker 4: Period?

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm super excited to have you on this show.

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Speaker 2: I saw your story on YouTube, and I don't think

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Speaker 2: I ever had a conversation when it came to alcoholism.

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Speaker 2: And many of my listeners know this, but my mother

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Speaker 2: was an alcoholic, so this conversation.

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Speaker 3: Is very near and dear to me.

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Speaker 2: And also I just know so many people that really

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Speaker 2: balanced alcoholism. So thank you so much for being a

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Speaker 2: part of the show.

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Speaker 4: Oh Man, this is my pleasure.

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Speaker 5: That's incredible, and I first off, I appreciate you sharing

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Speaker 5: that little piece of history with me, because for me,

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Speaker 5: with my journey I never even knew that for me personally,

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Speaker 5: my grandmother she passed away from sohosis of deliver right,

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Speaker 5: and so that's directly it's directly correlated to alcoholism. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 5: that's not something I found out until I was struggling

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Speaker 5: with alcoholism myself. So I feel like that's a gift

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Speaker 5: in itself to sometimes know, like about your family's history,

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Speaker 5: because I know for me, one of the things that's

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Speaker 5: been a struggle is I know, and I can't speak.

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Speaker 4: For anyone else's family.

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Speaker 5: I know my family and in my immediate community. You know,

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Speaker 5: there's always an importance to you know, lead people with

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Speaker 5: their dignity and their pride. However, if someone has struggled

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Speaker 5: with substances or alcoholism and they could be predisposed, it's

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Speaker 5: very very healthy, and I just feel like it's helpful

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Speaker 5: to kind of have that conversation and be like, you know,

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Speaker 5: Grandma had an issue with alcoholism. And even though it

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Speaker 5: might be fun to celebrate with and use it special occasions,

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Speaker 5: you got to be very careful because dependency and unmanageability

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Speaker 5: is very very real.

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Speaker 2: Dependency and unmanageability, that's a fact. You know, I'm jumping ahead,

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Speaker 2: but how did you find out about your grandmother having alcoholism?

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Speaker 5: I found I feel like for me, I found out

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Speaker 5: in one I don't want to say like the worst way,

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Speaker 5: but like I found out when I was in rehab,

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Speaker 5: and you know, it was just kind of like my

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Speaker 5: therapist at the time was like encouraging me to kind

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Speaker 5: of ask my family, like, is there like a history

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Speaker 5: of drinking in my family, Like you have had any

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Speaker 5: struggles because growing up, I'd always been told that my

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Speaker 5: grandmother passed away from breast cancer and I am and

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Speaker 5: I the reason why I said like that and kind

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Speaker 5: of why verse what I was saying earlier was like,

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Speaker 5: you know, my mom, she always wanted her mom to have,

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Speaker 5: you know, that dignity and that.

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Speaker 4: Pride, and I completely understand that.

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Speaker 5: You know, you always want to put your elders or

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Speaker 5: people that mean a lot to you in high regards,

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Speaker 5: but I feel like you also sometimes have to take

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Speaker 5: off those fantasy glasses and put on what I like

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Speaker 5: to call your reality lenses. And it's like, your mom

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Speaker 5: died from a drinking problem, and it's very, very unfortunate. However,

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Speaker 5: I always just sometimes wonder if my mom would have

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Speaker 5: lived with my grandmother died from alcoholism instead of breast cancer.

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Speaker 5: How that may have framed my relationship with alcohol growing up.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that was my next question. How do you think

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Speaker 2: they able to change your perspective on it?

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Speaker 5: So for me, I like this is going to sound

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Speaker 5: so strange, but I feel I've always wanted someone to

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Speaker 5: tell my story too. So I've always in a way

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Speaker 5: kind of wanted to be a grandparent or just like

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Speaker 5: because I feel like the kids don't appreciate it, but

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Speaker 5: it's like the next generation does and some like. But

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Speaker 5: I've never knew my grandparents. I never knew my grandmother.

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Speaker 5: I never my grandfather one time and then he passed away.

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Speaker 5: So I've always had like surgeant older individuals in my

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Speaker 5: life and that's been beutiful, But like I've never had

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Speaker 5: that bond myself, and sometimes you know, just hearing how

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Speaker 5: people speak of their grandmothers and just like seeing that

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Speaker 5: relationship from the outside looking in, like it's a longing

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Speaker 5: that if you've met again.

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Speaker 4: If you've never had it, I don't know what it's like.

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Speaker 5: So it's like it just seems so far but yet

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Speaker 5: so close, And for me not ever being able to

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Speaker 5: have that relationship, I think knowing that if I knowing

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Speaker 5: that I never had that relationship because of alcoholism, I

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Speaker 5: know for a fact it would have framed everything differently

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Speaker 5: because for me knowing that my grandmother died or breast cancer,

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Speaker 5: I became incredibly adamant about Susan G. Coleman and like, yeah,

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Speaker 5: checked out right, and like I had the socks and

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Speaker 5: this and that, and like I was very involved because

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Speaker 5: my grandmother died of breast cancer.

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Speaker 4: When my mom was twelt like that was the dogma.

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Speaker 4: I had been told, you're very young.

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Speaker 5: Like breast cancer, breast cancer, breast cancer. And it took

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Speaker 5: for me being at a level for treatment center that alcoholism,

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Speaker 5: for my mom to be like, I don't know how

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Speaker 5: to tell you this. Your grandmother died of sorosis of

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Speaker 5: the liver. And it's like you say, we're talking like homegirls.

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Speaker 5: I'm like, when would you anna say that right?

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Speaker 2: Because I just feel like the say is somebody died

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Speaker 2: from breast cancer. That's like that is so extreme from

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Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying, from what it was like.

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Speaker 2: I just it just amazing to me how we have

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Speaker 2: so many family secrets and we try to cover things

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Speaker 2: up and it actually hurt us and help us.

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Speaker 4: So we want to get to the truth.

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Speaker 5: It's like my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer and

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Speaker 5: she beat it. However, unfortunately, because there wasn't any proper

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Speaker 5: mental health for black women at that time time, right

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Speaker 5: when my grandmother got that double missectomy, and she was

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Speaker 5: walking around feeling emasculated because she no longer had her breast,

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Speaker 5: and you know, people were looking at her different, and

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Speaker 5: you know, it was all these different you know, things

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Speaker 5: that were probably going on back then that we don't

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Speaker 5: even really know about now. She stumbled into alcoholism and

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Speaker 5: you know, yes, and you know, it was very, very

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Speaker 5: frightening hearing my mom telling me of she used to

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Speaker 5: go and get my grandmother when she be passed out

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Speaker 5: in the gutter and bring her back in and tuck

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Speaker 5: her in at night.

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Speaker 4: And I'm thinking, like, if you would have.

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Speaker 5: Told me these stories maybe about for a decade, like

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Speaker 5: you know what I'm saying, It's like I and it's

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Speaker 5: like I understand it's very hard for you telling me

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Speaker 5: this now, but it's like you're telling me this and

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Speaker 5: I'm in level for treatment right now, Like you're telling

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Speaker 5: me this, and I'm like with this drinking, like with

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Speaker 5: this drinking problem and this trauma and like these things

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Speaker 5: and it's like I'm finding out this information and it

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Speaker 5: just makes me wonder like if I would have only

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Speaker 5: known a little bit earlier, like what my life may

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Speaker 5: have looked like. And I'm not trying to say it,

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Speaker 5: like my life is ruined now and I can only

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Speaker 5: salvage what I got because I'm, you know, bless that's

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Speaker 5: by the grace of God that my story is what

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Speaker 5: it is. But I just can't help but implore to

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Speaker 5: people that if you know the truth about something that

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Speaker 5: really happened, even though you may want to hold those

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Speaker 5: people in very high regards, you gotta be like, we

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Speaker 5: gotta be real with ourselves.

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Speaker 4: And like that's one of the things.

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Speaker 5: And for me, like a blessing that being in Alcoholics

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Speaker 5: Anonymous in my program and my sponsor has really really

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Speaker 5: helped me with It's like it's acceptance because like two

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Speaker 5: things can be very very true at the same time.

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Speaker 5: It's like, my brother was a phenomenal woman. She was great,

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Speaker 5: she was at one point in time the patriarch of

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Speaker 5: our family, but she also had a terrible drinking problem

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Speaker 5: that brought her to her knees that apparently had her

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Speaker 5: daughter going out in the streets like we can't negate

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Speaker 5: for what that is because again I can only imagine

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Speaker 5: how it must have felt for my mom to, you know,

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Speaker 5: never have brought that up, but had to bring it

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Speaker 5: up because you see your daughter going down the same

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Speaker 5: path as your mom and I don't even know her.

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Speaker 2: What's up, y'all, it's your girl Ebane here, And be

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Speaker 2: sure to follow me on Instagram and TikTok at pretty

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Speaker 2: private podcasts, and don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube

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Speaker 2: channel at the Professional Homegirl.

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Speaker 3: Now let's get back to the show. That's also how.

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Speaker 2: You break generational curses is when you have these honest

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Speaker 2: conversations and be honest about what really happened. Because if

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Speaker 2: you're telling me one thing and I'm being adamant about this,

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Speaker 2: but then come to find out I'm having I'm struggling.

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Speaker 3: In this area.

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Speaker 2: But this could have been avoided as well, you know

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Speaker 2: what I'm saying. So, but when you think about your

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Speaker 2: relationship with alcohol in the beginning, how would you describe it?

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Speaker 5: Woo woo.

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Speaker 3: I know you were a good time baby.

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Speaker 5: I don't want to say it was a good time.

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Speaker 3: No, I said, I know you was a good time.

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Speaker 4: Oh listen still lamb.

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Speaker 5: I feel like, if anything, I'm only better and greater

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Speaker 5: now that I'll absolute six years in. But what I

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Speaker 5: will say is my relationship with alcohol. I remember at

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Speaker 5: the beginning, it was like a vehicle. I always say,

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Speaker 5: like my so, my best friend her. So I'm from

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Speaker 5: North Carolina from the South. So I'm gonna use some

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Speaker 5: other terms in this in this interview. And if you

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Speaker 5: need me to break away or dissect, let me know

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Speaker 5: what or give you a glossary.

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Speaker 4: I have no problem.

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Speaker 5: So anyway, my friend's grandmother, she worked at a package

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Speaker 5: store or what so that's the ABC store.

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Speaker 4: So I remember on.

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Speaker 5: Friday she'd be like my friend would be like, hey,

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Speaker 5: you got your money, and you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 4: We would get bottles or whatever.

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Speaker 5: Cause like I would always have just like little alcohol

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Speaker 5: on me at the teen club, you know, want to

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Speaker 5: take a shot do this?

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Speaker 3: Like but again for you, I want to say, I was.

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Speaker 5: Maybe like sixteen seventeen, like like again, I think I

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Speaker 5: use it as a vehicle. Like at this point in time,

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Speaker 5: I wasn't crazy about drinking, but I know friends liked it.

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Speaker 4: It was always kind of right.

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Speaker 3: It was a social thing to.

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Speaker 4: Do and me being just being transparent with you.

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Speaker 5: I went to private Christian school my entire life, so

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Speaker 5: I felt like for me when I was in public

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Speaker 5: school in my high school in years, I was in overdrive,

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Speaker 5: as in trying to gain social capital and run it

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Speaker 5: up and become like and break the stigma or the

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Speaker 5: cycle of oh, miss public, excuse me, miss Christian school,

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Speaker 5: miss this, miss.

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Speaker 4: That, because like for a while, like I had this

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Speaker 4: whole like.

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Speaker 5: Miss Goodie two shoes, miss this, missed that kind of

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Speaker 5: stereotype because people just saw me coming from private Christian school,

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Speaker 5: and if you got to know me, you would know

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Speaker 5: the reason I wanted to go to my high schools

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Speaker 5: because I just felt like I lack culture and substance

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Speaker 5: and there were just so many things about my community

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Speaker 5: that I wanted to know.

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Speaker 4: And it was like I would meet people and they

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Speaker 4: would be.

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Speaker 5: Just speaking of different things, and I think it was

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Speaker 5: like Juneteenth and this is you know, I want to say,

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Speaker 5: like in the early two thousands, and it was just

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Speaker 5: like I didn't know about some of these things. I

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Speaker 5: was like, mom, I got to get to a predominated

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Speaker 5: black school, And sometimes I wonder what would have happened

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Speaker 5: if I would have stayed.

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Speaker 4: In private Christian school, because I like.

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Speaker 5: Just like the alcoholism kind of got ramped up over here.

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Speaker 5: There's you know, different vices and things that could have

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Speaker 5: happened over there. But when I was in I want

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Speaker 5: to say, when I was in high school, my relationship

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Speaker 5: with alcohol was it was more so of like a vehicle.

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Speaker 5: I like to kind of have it around for like

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Speaker 5: friends and stuff. I feel like things really really ramped

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Speaker 5: up when I was I want to say, about twenty

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Speaker 5: five on my own here in Atlanta. It just got

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Speaker 5: out of a really really nasty relationship with an alcoholic.

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Speaker 5: So I tell people one of the things that sometimes

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Speaker 5: can like trip people up, or what really interesting is

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Speaker 5: if you're in a relationship with someone and you're used

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Speaker 5: to drinking in that house, like you're used to turning

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Speaker 5: up in your living room, like you're familiar with what's

365
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Speaker 5: going on. If you decide to take that situation, same addictions,

366
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Speaker 5: same problems, and let's put you out, Like now you're

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Speaker 5: going out and about with friends. So whereas you're used

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Speaker 5: to sitting down your sitting your phone on the couch

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Speaker 5: and having a couple of shots and your phone is there.

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Speaker 5: You are in a bathroom and a club and you've

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Speaker 5: left your phone on top of the toilet paper.

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Speaker 3: Distrission, like you're being coherent.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, and it's like because you're not used to that,

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Speaker 5: and like that's kind of where I found myself and

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Speaker 5: at this point, like just being honest, like I'm attractive

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Speaker 5: and this is Atlanta, Like I whether I have money

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Speaker 5: or not was not a problem, like I can.

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Speaker 4: I used to have my friend, Like me.

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Speaker 5: And my friend used to say we could go stand anywhere,

380
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Speaker 5: like we're gonna find them, Like I'm a motion magnet,

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Speaker 5: Like it don't matter. It's like it's coming to me.

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Speaker 5: But a lot of times it would become like you know,

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Speaker 5: this motion is coming, and now I put myself, you know,

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Speaker 5: in these risky situations because of my addiction. And you

385
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Speaker 5: know what I'm saying. One thing about addiction. Once the

386
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Speaker 5: ball gets rolling, for real, the standards get lower.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, of course, just get higher.

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Speaker 3: Oh absolutely.

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Speaker 5: And another thing that I feel like sometimes people don't

390
00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:13,480
Speaker 5: realize is an addiction. Like you're meeting a lot of

391
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Speaker 5: fast friends, a lot of new faces, and.

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Speaker 3: Like everything's just fast paced.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, And I mean sometimes it's cool because it's like

394
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Speaker 5: you might meet someone and you guys are like on

395
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Speaker 5: the same wavelength. It seems like you guys are going

396
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Speaker 5: in the same direction, and it's it's cool. But then

397
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Speaker 5: you might meet someone and because you don't necessarily know

398
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Speaker 5: who this person is, things to jump off and anything

399
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,960
Speaker 5: could happen because you're not again, you're not using your

400
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Speaker 5: best judgment, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: So, I mean, so, looking back, did you realize that

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Speaker 2: you had a drinking problem or when did that time

403
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Speaker 2: come when you went to rehab?

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Speaker 5: I tell you this, and this is like kind of

405
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Speaker 5: I won't even say, like an inside joke, but I

406
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:57,600
Speaker 5: feel like for me, no one, no one close to me,

407
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Speaker 5: no friend, no, none of that ever came was like

408
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Speaker 5: I think you have a serious problem with alcohol. It

409
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Speaker 5: was always like girl, you could throw him back, or

410
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Speaker 5: like last night, last.

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Speaker 4: Girl, you already but I still rock with you.

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Speaker 5: It was always it was never any seriousness like what

413
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Speaker 5: it took was. And remember I just told you about

414
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Speaker 5: making new friends. I had made a new friend who,

415
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Speaker 5: like you, had a mother that has suffered from alcoholism

416
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Speaker 5: and hung out a couple of times and he was

417
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Speaker 5: like you might not like me after what I'm about

418
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,280
Speaker 5: to say to you, And I was like, what what

419
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Speaker 5: are you to say to me?

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Speaker 3: Because he was able to identify it, he was like.

421
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Speaker 4: You have a problem with alcohol.

422
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Speaker 5: It was like he was like, I don't know what

423
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,360
Speaker 5: our next step needs to be, but he's like, A two,

424
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Speaker 5: you can address this problem.

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Speaker 4: We can't be friends.

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Speaker 5: And so for me, I'm a chef and this person

427
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,200
Speaker 5: was off to a chef. This was somebody I looked

428
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Speaker 5: up to, so like, hearing this come from him was

429
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Speaker 5: like gut punch, Like it wasn't it was worse than

430
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Speaker 5: any like I can't even describe, like it was one

431
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Speaker 5: of those things where it just made me really sit

432
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Speaker 5: out and be like I don't know what the game

433
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Speaker 5: plan is, but we can't be going out like this

434
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Speaker 5: like this is you know.

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Speaker 4: So then it.

436
00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:19,520
Speaker 5: Became like how, how, what and why can I fix this?

437
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,960
Speaker 5: And like for me, you know, just being honest, I'm

438
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Speaker 5: glad at that point in time, I didn't have a

439
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Speaker 5: lot of projects things going on, so I could really.

440
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:35,399
Speaker 4: Check myself into detox. I could really you know, to

441
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,680
Speaker 4: carry yourself, take care of myself.

442
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,320
Speaker 5: And I always implore to people because I don't think

443
00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:43,320
Speaker 5: sometimes this is spoke about or like people know this

444
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,360
Speaker 5: is an option, or maybe it is, and again it's

445
00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:48,600
Speaker 5: just not spoken about. But like addiction is an illness

446
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,160
Speaker 5: and like once you realize you need to get help

447
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,640
Speaker 5: if you have a job, and I feel like there's

448
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,760
Speaker 5: such a stigma around addiction. But for me, one of

449
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,879
Speaker 5: the best things that I had and this is a

450
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,639
Speaker 5: huge shout out to TJ Max, you know huge my

451
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:05,760
Speaker 5: manager there.

452
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:07,400
Speaker 4: I was able to come to her.

453
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,119
Speaker 5: And tell her like, hey, I have a problem with this,

454
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:14,080
Speaker 5: and she was like, look, she was like, I can't

455
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,280
Speaker 5: guarantee a whole lot of things. She was like, however,

456
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,240
Speaker 5: if you get yourself together and keep yourself in contact

457
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,639
Speaker 5: with me, you will still have a job. Like she's like,

458
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,520
Speaker 5: you will still have a job. And she gave me

459
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,560
Speaker 5: some resources, like a list of resources and she's like

460
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:29,240
Speaker 5: if you need.

461
00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:31,680
Speaker 4: Anything else from me, like please, you know, come back,

462
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:32,280
Speaker 4: let me know.

463
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,680
Speaker 5: But that was kind of like that got the ball

464
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:40,480
Speaker 5: rolling it And then like what I said with my friend,

465
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,600
Speaker 5: you know, he had to do this with his mother.

466
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,840
Speaker 5: So when it came time to do detox, he was

467
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,359
Speaker 5: the he was like, I'll take if you're serious about it,

468
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,720
Speaker 5: I'll take you to detox. And he took like he

469
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,040
Speaker 5: took me to detox. And you know, while I was

470
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,960
Speaker 5: in detox. And again, all of this is self mandated.

471
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,359
Speaker 5: I was never you court mandated. I've never gotten any DUIs.

472
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,840
Speaker 5: I've never had where a judge was like I need

473
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,919
Speaker 5: you to do anything. But at the time I did

474
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:12,440
Speaker 5: have a dis like I had a disorderly conduct arrest,

475
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,200
Speaker 5: like I had it pending, so I kind of had

476
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,199
Speaker 5: also figured like I'm like, well, at least if I

477
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:19,280
Speaker 5: get into detox and kind of show and like do

478
00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:21,439
Speaker 5: some community service and kind of jump on it.

479
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:24,120
Speaker 4: Yeah, they'll be like.

480
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:28,440
Speaker 5: Oh, like she's she's she's there her ways.

481
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:28,840
Speaker 4: You know what I mean.

482
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:33,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, Waite, So were you drinking like all day

483
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,359
Speaker 2: and all night or were you just drinking when you

484
00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:37,240
Speaker 2: would go out or it didn't matter.

485
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:43,480
Speaker 5: So my thing with alcoholism is it's it's never so

486
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,040
Speaker 5: much of a like all day all night.

487
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,960
Speaker 4: It's more of a like star Yeah, ain't.

488
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,960
Speaker 5: No stopping like and when I say it's no stopping

489
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,160
Speaker 5: like count empty, ain't no stopping.

490
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,240
Speaker 4: We got work, ain't no stopping stopping.

491
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,320
Speaker 5: We ain't got no whip ain't no stopping, Like we're

492
00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:09,959
Speaker 5: like it's gonna be like a three four day party,

493
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:14,520
Speaker 5: like it's gonna get crazy, like and I can just

494
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,679
Speaker 5: think back to so many times in my life where

495
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,720
Speaker 5: you know, just for an just as an example, I'll

496
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,120
Speaker 5: never forget and we're gonna get back to me doing

497
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,840
Speaker 5: the detox. One thing for me that kind of was

498
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:31,000
Speaker 5: like that just you know that would stick out is

499
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,040
Speaker 5: it wouldn't necessarily like I would never need like a

500
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:40,200
Speaker 5: reason to drink. But what would be really scary was like,

501
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,400
Speaker 5: for instance, like I could wake up and I might

502
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,320
Speaker 5: have a little something in the house, and whereas a

503
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 5: normal person might be like, oh, you know, I need

504
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,439
Speaker 5: to leave that until later, my reward systems jip. So

505
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:57,320
Speaker 5: I'm like, you know what, I don't woke up, bills

506
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:01,879
Speaker 5: is paid, it's time to have a ChIL okay, you know,

507
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 5: and it's clearly ten o'clock.

508
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,920
Speaker 4: And you know, there'll be so many times.

509
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:10,400
Speaker 5: Where like, for instance, because I'm working individual, my job

510
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:14,200
Speaker 5: might call me around eleven o'clock like, hey, someone.

511
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,160
Speaker 4: Called in, is it possible you can come into work?

512
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,119
Speaker 5: And I really got to make a decision where like

513
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:22,160
Speaker 5: I might say something like if I come in, y'all

514
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,119
Speaker 5: just got a post meaning like I'll be here but

515
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,639
Speaker 5: like I've already gone, or either I'm gonna say something

516
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 5: like nah, guys, my stomach's a little messed up. I'm

517
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:32,960
Speaker 5: not gonna be able to make it in. And I

518
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,120
Speaker 5: know my manager already knew kind of what that meant,

519
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,360
Speaker 5: you know what I mean. So after a while, it's

520
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,720
Speaker 5: just like dealing with those type of things and living

521
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,920
Speaker 5: that lifestyle, I feel like on the surface it looks

522
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,840
Speaker 5: like a lot of fun, but underneath it's incredibly draining

523
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:50,720
Speaker 5: and it's very, very hollow because again, like there is

524
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,000
Speaker 5: a problem that you know about that you feel like

525
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 5: no one else can see, but everyone can see. Like

526
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,119
Speaker 5: that was again for me, like another thing with my

527
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 5: alcoholism was like I was convinced that no one knew

528
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,640
Speaker 5: about this problem but me, and it really wasn't even

529
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,639
Speaker 5: a problem. I just, you know what I'm saying, had

530
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,800
Speaker 5: a little issue doing thirty days sober. But I mean,

531
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,640
Speaker 5: who does it, you know what I'm saying, Drinks be drinking,

532
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,159
Speaker 5: and it's just like, nah, girl, like we got a

533
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,600
Speaker 5: little hole in our soul, like we got a little trauma,

534
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,240
Speaker 5: we got a little something that we're drinking on top

535
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:25,320
Speaker 5: of there was a lot, a lot of trauma and

536
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:28,359
Speaker 5: a lot of things that I had been through in

537
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:32,239
Speaker 5: my teen years, in my adulthood and my relationship with

538
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:35,040
Speaker 5: my mom. And it was like, until I went to

539
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:39,719
Speaker 5: treatment and started really working on the inside, I was

540
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,960
Speaker 5: never never going to be able to address.

541
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,000
Speaker 3: You know what things that you was experiencing.

542
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:49,359
Speaker 5: Yeah, because even now, it's like I was telling somebody,

543
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,760
Speaker 5: I just got six years sober, and you know, I

544
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:54,080
Speaker 5: was in a meeting earlier.

545
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,080
Speaker 4: I'm in a group called Ben's Friends.

546
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:59,320
Speaker 5: It's for sober people in food and beverage, like people

547
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:03,720
Speaker 5: to work in restaurant chefs or whatever, and it was

548
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,879
Speaker 5: like we were sitting around, I was like, damn, like

549
00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:09,000
Speaker 5: I've never had a white claw, I've never had costa

550
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:12,399
Speaker 5: migos like I've met, like because these things have all

551
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,560
Speaker 5: came out since we've all gotten sober, and it's just

552
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:19,440
Speaker 5: and it's just so interesting because sometimes cause like if

553
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,960
Speaker 5: you would have told me six years ago, like I

554
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:23,919
Speaker 5: would have been able to sit someplace and been proud

555
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,679
Speaker 5: of that, I'd have been like, nah, like I'm the

556
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:28,800
Speaker 5: life of the party, like everybody knows, like I'm a

557
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,840
Speaker 5: little misturned up, like you can't get it started without me,

558
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,040
Speaker 5: Like what do you mean? Like this is who I am?

559
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 5: And it's like, no, it's not like this is the

560
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:37,960
Speaker 5: role you like to play. This is the part of you,

561
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,879
Speaker 5: This is the the actress you like to portray. But

562
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,280
Speaker 5: it's like, deep down, you don't even like this shit,

563
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:44,520
Speaker 5: you're tired of it.

564
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:45,119
Speaker 4: You don't know it.

565
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,719
Speaker 5: Yeah it is, and it's like for me, I just

566
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:52,560
Speaker 5: feel so blessed that now I'm in a place like

567
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,160
Speaker 5: I'm getting ready to take yoga's.

568
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,520
Speaker 3: Teacher training, Like I ain't know, I ain't know.

569
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 5: I know one of my goals is to be able

570
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,879
Speaker 5: to take yoga to women in early recovery, because I

571
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,040
Speaker 5: feel like physical fitness and wellness and the movement is

572
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,199
Speaker 5: it's a huge thing, and it's like and if you

573
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,200
Speaker 5: are able to kind of.

574
00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:13,920
Speaker 4: Tap in you, you really do miss out right.

575
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,320
Speaker 5: But not a lot of women have those opportunities and

576
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,000
Speaker 5: that's not brought to them. So I really want to

577
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 5: be able to like use my story and like use

578
00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:26,639
Speaker 5: the food and use like the places I've gone and

579
00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:30,159
Speaker 5: really help help somebody else because I know, for me,

580
00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 5: I just I didn't like I just didn't see it right.

581
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,679
Speaker 2: Well, let's go back to the beginning, because you mentioned

582
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:40,040
Speaker 2: about you and your childhood and just also just you

583
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 2: experiencing a lot of things, because I do believe that

584
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 2: addiction doesn't start with substance, it starts with pain. So

585
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:48,719
Speaker 2: to us about you growing up and what kind of

586
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:50,800
Speaker 2: an emotional world did you grow up in?

587
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,920
Speaker 5: So it's so interesting that this movie just drops. You

588
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:59,480
Speaker 5: know what I'm about to bring up, girl draw, I

589
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:03,240
Speaker 5: didn't watch why so I'm okay, So so you on

590
00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:05,800
Speaker 5: the fuck listen. I'm the perfect person because I'm not

591
00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 5: even listen. I'm not even gonna the movie too deep. However,

592
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,600
Speaker 5: what I will say is this. You know, I was

593
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:16,880
Speaker 5: able to watch that movie, and I would never, never, never,

594
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:19,600
Speaker 5: never say that I see my mom in Jania.

595
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:21,840
Speaker 4: What I will say is this I.

596
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:25,320
Speaker 3: Saw wasi p Henson's character.

597
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,560
Speaker 5: Jenia was Taraji p Henson's character. But what I will

598
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 5: say is this, you know, like I am the product

599
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:36,720
Speaker 5: of a single, single mom, and I did have triple

600
00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,720
Speaker 5: heart bypass surgery.

601
00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:39,480
Speaker 3: At what age?

602
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 5: At five months old? Mm hmm, So to say that

603
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:47,520
Speaker 5: we went through a lot would be an understatement. Like

604
00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:54,440
Speaker 5: my mom, I don't know how she did it. I really, like,

605
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,160
Speaker 5: I really don't, And it baffles me sometimes that our

606
00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,040
Speaker 5: relationship isn't better is it? Is it better than what

607
00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,880
Speaker 5: it is now? Because like, growing up, my mom was

608
00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:09,280
Speaker 5: like phenomenal, incredible. I remember hearing stories of like when

609
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,560
Speaker 5: I have my surgery coming up, She's telling me how

610
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,640
Speaker 5: she had prayer circles, prayer circles around the city, you know,

611
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,960
Speaker 5: just different people in our church, just you know, praying

612
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,920
Speaker 5: and helping and just like all of these things, Like

613
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,600
Speaker 5: my mom worked incredibly hard. Like you heard me, I

614
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:27,000
Speaker 5: went to private Christian school. I went since I was

615
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:30,640
Speaker 5: two and a half. Like yes, So like as soon

616
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:32,160
Speaker 5: as my mom was able to get back to work,

617
00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:32,960
Speaker 5: she was back to work.

618
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:33,800
Speaker 4: I was in school.

619
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,840
Speaker 5: We did not spend a lot of time together. I've

620
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:41,400
Speaker 5: never went on a family vacation. However, I've been to

621
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 5: every camp you could probably think of, Like I've been

622
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 5: to Sign Language Camp, math and Richmond Camp, HYMCA, Crosby Juniors,

623
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 5: like you name it. I've been there. Like I probably

624
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:55,160
Speaker 5: went down on scholarship. I've been there sponsored. Like so

625
00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 5: like when I say my mom did her thing, like

626
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:05,320
Speaker 5: definitely did her thing. However, I feel like there's always

627
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:09,480
Speaker 5: like there's always a there's always a caveat.

628
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:12,000
Speaker 4: I feel like sometimes for.

629
00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:19,000
Speaker 5: All the hard work, all the sacrifices, like I would

630
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:21,520
Speaker 5: have loved to go on vacation with my mom, Like

631
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:25,719
Speaker 5: my mom's incredible. I wish we would have had summers together.

632
00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,800
Speaker 5: Like you know, I remember when I was young, like

633
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,440
Speaker 5: I had a garden and you know, me and my mom,

634
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,560
Speaker 5: we would go out there and like she would be tired,

635
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:38,959
Speaker 5: but she would always like she would always encourage, like

636
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 5: my dreams, and she would always want to be to

637
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:47,000
Speaker 5: just know, like she would always believe in some of myself.

638
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:48,480
Speaker 5: I'm not gonna sit here and be like my mom

639
00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:51,920
Speaker 5: believed in everything, because she definitely did not. And that

640
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:54,400
Speaker 5: kind of leads to where we are now. But like

641
00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:58,400
Speaker 5: in the beginning, things were very, very nice. I had

642
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:02,640
Speaker 5: a I've had an incredible childhood. I'm sure you heard

643
00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:04,480
Speaker 5: in my first interview, like I was a Sunday school

644
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,200
Speaker 5: teacher at sixteen, so so you.

645
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,320
Speaker 4: Know, that just doesn't come on accident.

646
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:13,800
Speaker 5: However, that was also when I felt like I decided

647
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 5: to go to public school, and things for me really

648
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:18,520
Speaker 5: just started changing and for lack of a better term.

649
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,280
Speaker 5: I feel like I want to say, I feel like

650
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,120
Speaker 5: I realized I was black, but I was coming into

651
00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:25,280
Speaker 5: more of like I'm not the only Like I went

652
00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,200
Speaker 5: from being the minority the major, to the majority, right,

653
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:31,600
Speaker 5: being like the only black person in my classroom, being

654
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:36,000
Speaker 5: surrounded by black people, yeah, and being like whoa, Like

655
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:39,720
Speaker 5: they don't act like Alice, act like they don't act

656
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:41,400
Speaker 5: like my old classmates at Like.

657
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:43,400
Speaker 3: I'm like, you know, some of these girls don't come

658
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:44,280
Speaker 3: to school with belts on.

659
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:52,240
Speaker 2: So do you feel like at that time, that's when

660
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:55,000
Speaker 2: the relationships started to shift.

661
00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:59,240
Speaker 5: Oh, most definitely, most definitely, because I feel like, you

662
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:02,080
Speaker 5: know how, just like with Adam and Eve, it was

663
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:03,800
Speaker 5: like the knowledge of the tree of good and evil.

664
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,600
Speaker 5: You don't know, but once you start, once someone starts,

665
00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:10,040
Speaker 5: once you start getting a little bit of exposure, a

666
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:12,760
Speaker 5: little bit of this, a little bit of that, you know,

667
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:15,840
Speaker 5: it happens in for me and let me just take

668
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:18,920
Speaker 5: a step back. So I had like a I don't

669
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 5: want to say, like a bonus dad. I guess that's

670
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 5: what the term is, but like I had like a

671
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:27,200
Speaker 5: stand in father role. And he didn't live in the

672
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 5: home with us, but he was definitely around and like

673
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:33,400
Speaker 5: pick me up from school, and like, to my knowledge

674
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,120
Speaker 5: and my whole life, my mom had told me, like,

675
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:38,080
Speaker 5: this is your dad, like matter of fact, it was

676
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:40,920
Speaker 5: like the reason you're like, she'd be like, you see

677
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:42,680
Speaker 5: when your hair gets squared, it kind of curls up.

678
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:44,160
Speaker 4: That's where you got that from.

679
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 5: So it's just like whole life like just kind of

680
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:51,760
Speaker 5: insinuating this and perpetuating this. And you know, me being young,

681
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 5: I'm gonna say this. I feel like it did two things.

682
00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,240
Speaker 5: It was good because I feel like, in one way,

683
00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:02,320
Speaker 5: I got to grew up with like a pseudo father figure.

684
00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,960
Speaker 5: Like I had somebody giving me roses on Valentine's I've

685
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 5: had somebody picking me up from school taking me to

686
00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:09,480
Speaker 5: get ice cream afterwards.

687
00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:13,560
Speaker 4: Like so he definitely paved the way and made.

688
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:17,160
Speaker 5: Like a lot of really long lasting, important, incredible memories,

689
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,600
Speaker 5: which was great. I will never take that away from

690
00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:24,200
Speaker 5: mister Miller. I will forever be grateful for that. That

691
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 5: stand and roll, you know what.

692
00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:30,400
Speaker 3: I'm saying, right however and verb.

693
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:34,080
Speaker 4: And but now you ready for this story to quis.

694
00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:38,960
Speaker 3: Come on, girl landa plane landa playing girl.

695
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:45,720
Speaker 5: Landa So imagine me being in this new high school

696
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:50,080
Speaker 5: with a teacher's assistant who I just happen to known,

697
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:52,160
Speaker 5: like because I worked at a Wendy's and she worked

698
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,359
Speaker 5: at the same Wendy's that I did or whatever. So

699
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:59,160
Speaker 5: we knew each other like loosely, and we were having

700
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:00,920
Speaker 5: like it was just like an O conversation. And she

701
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:02,440
Speaker 5: was one of the like she was one of these

702
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:04,680
Speaker 5: teachers like when she was a sub, Like we used

703
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:06,680
Speaker 5: to watch one of those six in park the whole class,

704
00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:10,359
Speaker 5: Like she would let you go to atl all three lunches, Like, yeah,

705
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:11,760
Speaker 5: she was one of them type teachers.

706
00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:14,880
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, yeah, Miss Shannon was lit.

707
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:19,280
Speaker 5: So but anyway, Miss Shannon was also incredibly disrespectful because

708
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:21,239
Speaker 5: we ended up kind of getting too well, no, we

709
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,319
Speaker 5: end up getting into a back and forth and Miss

710
00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:26,160
Speaker 5: Shannon held no bars back and telling me my father

711
00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:26,920
Speaker 5: wasn't my father?

712
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,719
Speaker 4: Wo yeah right?

713
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:31,160
Speaker 3: How old were you?

714
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:31,440
Speaker 4: Oh?

715
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:33,880
Speaker 3: You was in high school so maybe like sixteen seventeen.

716
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:35,640
Speaker 5: I said, I was in the eleventh grade. I was

717
00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:36,920
Speaker 5: in the I'll never forget that.

718
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:39,200
Speaker 4: Shit, Like, how did she know that?

719
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:40,600
Speaker 3: Or is that something everybody knew?

720
00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:44,160
Speaker 5: Like we lived in a really really small town and

721
00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:50,240
Speaker 5: I don't know how well miss Shannon knew mister Miller. However,

722
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:53,600
Speaker 5: like mister Miller was a printer, and so sometimes whenever

723
00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:55,640
Speaker 5: he would have like large gigs, he would have like

724
00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:57,840
Speaker 5: different people come in and like help make the books

725
00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,800
Speaker 5: or whatever. And so I had seen missing in downtown,

726
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:03,760
Speaker 5: and like I knew she had worked for mister Miller before.

727
00:36:03,880 --> 00:36:06,120
Speaker 5: So again like I seen her, I know her, I

728
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:08,160
Speaker 5: know her. And that's kind of how our conversation had started.

729
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:10,319
Speaker 5: Cause I was like, yeah, you be at my dad's shop.

730
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:13,239
Speaker 5: She was like, your dad dad, ain't your dad? I

731
00:36:13,320 --> 00:36:16,200
Speaker 5: was like, yes, that is my dad. She's like, wow,

732
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:17,960
Speaker 5: I don't know what they be telling you, girl, but

733
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:21,239
Speaker 5: you play play she said it just like that. And

734
00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:25,160
Speaker 5: remember I'm straight out of private school. I was like,

735
00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:27,080
Speaker 5: I didn't know all the way what play play meant,

736
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:28,960
Speaker 5: but I knew it didn't be serious. I was like,

737
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 5: oh my god, I gotta get out of here.

738
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:33,640
Speaker 2: When don't you go back into your mom and mister

739
00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:34,719
Speaker 2: Miller when she told.

740
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:41,400
Speaker 5: You so ebinay, we listen. Listen, I'm gonna take you

741
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:42,600
Speaker 5: to where I'm at. IM gonna take you to where

742
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:46,239
Speaker 5: I'm at. I'm sixteen, a grown adult just told you

743
00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:50,240
Speaker 5: your family, not your family. Like I went to my locker,

744
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:51,719
Speaker 5: I gathered my belongings.

745
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:54,680
Speaker 4: I walked home. I didn't know who I was.

746
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 5: Like, remember, ain't no social media, ain't no chat GPT,

747
00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:00,879
Speaker 5: ain't no AI, there's no Like, I'm like all these

748
00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:02,520
Speaker 5: feelings like how could you.

749
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:03,279
Speaker 4: Lie to me? Like this?

750
00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:03,759
Speaker 5: Right?

751
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:05,840
Speaker 4: Who is my dad?

752
00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:06,759
Speaker 1: What is this?

753
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:07,080
Speaker 5: Like?

754
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 3: Right, It's like you're going crazy with it.

755
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:13,360
Speaker 4: I'm upset, I'm hurt.

756
00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:16,680
Speaker 2: So many different different ranges of emotions.

757
00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:19,920
Speaker 5: And because I feel like, for a lack of better terms,

758
00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:24,680
Speaker 5: like my mom is very emotionally stunted, and like I

759
00:37:24,719 --> 00:37:28,680
Speaker 5: said earlier, having a conversation about her own mother and

760
00:37:28,719 --> 00:37:34,960
Speaker 5: her own attributes was difficult for her. So this conversation

761
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,000
Speaker 5: it pretty much ended like this, Like my mom pretty

762
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:39,840
Speaker 5: much got up and walked away. And she's like, you know,

763
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:41,799
Speaker 5: I did what I did the best I could do.

764
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,399
Speaker 4: You know. She's like, you know, you were young. We

765
00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:47,080
Speaker 4: just I tried, like.

766
00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:49,560
Speaker 5: She and it was just always it was never like

767
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:54,759
Speaker 5: it's never an acceptance, it's never any accountability. And like

768
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 5: after one thing I love about the program and Alcoholics

769
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:03,200
Speaker 5: Anonymous is like you always have to take accountability for

770
00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:06,640
Speaker 5: your role that you played it in like yeah, yeah,

771
00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:09,200
Speaker 5: I'm an alcoholic, but like, didn't nobody put in drinks

772
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:09,840
Speaker 5: down my throat?

773
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:14,840
Speaker 4: Abe? Okay, Like I have to take a part accountability

774
00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:16,480
Speaker 4: for my role in the situation.

775
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:20,720
Speaker 5: And it's like, yes, I believe mister Miller was my father,

776
00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:22,480
Speaker 5: but who was in senuating this?

777
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm saying it justa.

778
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:29,040
Speaker 5: Whole you know, like my the only thing I feel

779
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:33,400
Speaker 5: like sometimes I kind of it kind of and again,

780
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:35,799
Speaker 5: I always just had to give so much grace in

781
00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:39,240
Speaker 5: this situation because like I was sixteen seventeen when this happened,

782
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,440
Speaker 5: so like I was very upset. I was unself with

783
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:43,240
Speaker 5: my mom and I was gonna say with mister Miller

784
00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:46,000
Speaker 5: because I'm like, well, y'all just not gonna say nothing,

785
00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:49,319
Speaker 5: like whoa Like how was this gonna play out? Like

786
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:51,279
Speaker 5: like who is my real dad?

787
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:52,480
Speaker 4: Like? What is this?

788
00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:54,480
Speaker 3: Did you ever find out who your real dad was?

789
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,520
Speaker 5: Yes? And that opened up a whole nother candle, Like

790
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:01,120
Speaker 5: it opened up a whole can of worms. And it

791
00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:04,759
Speaker 5: was just kind of like, you know, my mom had

792
00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:07,319
Speaker 5: always been really funny about like me holding on them

793
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:08,799
Speaker 5: like my birth because at this point in time, I

794
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:11,160
Speaker 5: was working and I was needing my births.

795
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:14,240
Speaker 4: Datific Kate like more than I and stuff.

796
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,439
Speaker 5: Right, it was one of these like oh I can

797
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:18,160
Speaker 5: bring it up here, Oh I'll take it, and I

798
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,759
Speaker 5: just be the one day like I'm not gonna lose it.

799
00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:23,040
Speaker 5: Like but then thinking back, it was like, nah, my

800
00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:25,359
Speaker 5: real father's name was on it. That's what that was.

801
00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:29,719
Speaker 5: And it was like all this intentionality that went into

802
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:33,640
Speaker 5: a facade only for when it to come for when

803
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:35,560
Speaker 5: it to hit the fan and like the.

804
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:40,239
Speaker 4: Truth really really really really really come out. You can't

805
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:41,359
Speaker 4: even stand up in it.

806
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:42,960
Speaker 5: With.

807
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:49,719
Speaker 4: To me, it's just kind of like now friends, m M.

808
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:53,200
Speaker 5: It's like it's like now, Mom, now, how you're gonna

809
00:39:53,239 --> 00:39:53,799
Speaker 5: be out here?

810
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:54,640
Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying.

811
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:59,400
Speaker 5: Like, and again, you know, it's just always you know,

812
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:04,080
Speaker 5: I always have I always hold s face in my

813
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:05,960
Speaker 5: heart for my mom. But there have been a lot

814
00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:08,279
Speaker 5: of things that have just taken place where it's just

815
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:12,319
Speaker 5: like dang, like right, this is this is this is

816
00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:15,800
Speaker 5: this is rough because like because I'm like the first

817
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,040
Speaker 5: like I was just talking to my therapist now, you know,

818
00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:21,160
Speaker 5: like her birthday was June twelfth. I called her, I

819
00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,560
Speaker 5: text her, I don't get any type of response, and

820
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:28,439
Speaker 5: it's just kind of like woo yeah.

821
00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:29,960
Speaker 4: Interesting.

822
00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:34,920
Speaker 5: But again, you know, everybody heals or doesn't heal differently,

823
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:38,719
Speaker 5: and sometimes you just have to you know, I don't

824
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:41,400
Speaker 5: want to say, you know, no contact.

825
00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:43,120
Speaker 4: But you just really have to put boundaries on your piece.

826
00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:44,120
Speaker 3: Absolutely.

827
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:47,160
Speaker 2: So wait, so do you have a relationship with your

828
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,680
Speaker 2: real father now? And what's your relationship like with mister Miller.

829
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:55,040
Speaker 4: So, mister Miller unfortunately passed away. He died. Oh, it's okay,

830
00:40:55,760 --> 00:40:58,439
Speaker 4: it's good. He died in two I want to say,

831
00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:03,440
Speaker 4: like two thousand, like nine. Man, yeah, he died in.

832
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:06,960
Speaker 5: Two thousand and nine. And then my real father he

833
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:12,520
Speaker 5: passed away I want to say twenty fifteen ish and

834
00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:18,120
Speaker 5: unfortunately and unfortunately he was actually married.

835
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,600
Speaker 3: So oh that's why.

836
00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:26,080
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, ebeney, now we get in to the tea baby.

837
00:41:27,719 --> 00:41:30,640
Speaker 3: That's why she didn't want to tell him.

838
00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:35,040
Speaker 5: But this was but again, so I don't know if

839
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:39,399
Speaker 5: you ever heard the term compound trauma. There was no

840
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,840
Speaker 5: feeling like my mom calling me and telling me like

841
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,799
Speaker 5: my biological father had passed and you know where he

842
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,839
Speaker 5: was or whatever, and it's like, because of.

843
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:50,600
Speaker 4: Whatever's going on, you know.

844
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:54,200
Speaker 5: I called the funeral home and I was just like, hey,

845
00:41:54,719 --> 00:41:57,000
Speaker 5: I was informed that this was my biological father and

846
00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:59,040
Speaker 5: he's passed away. I was like, could you leave my

847
00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:01,759
Speaker 5: contact information here for the family. I was like, I'm

848
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:03,759
Speaker 5: a call back in a couple of days and you know,

849
00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:05,919
Speaker 5: we can go from there. I called back a couple

850
00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:09,880
Speaker 5: of days later. Evan, Nah, the folks they want nothing

851
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:10,279
Speaker 5: to do with me.

852
00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:14,000
Speaker 2: Be okay, Oh wow, So till this day you haven't

853
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,200
Speaker 2: had any conversations with them.

854
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:17,480
Speaker 4: No, And like the.

855
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:20,239
Speaker 5: Real and this is where and this is where being

856
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:24,080
Speaker 5: honest kind of comes into like helping everything for the

857
00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:27,680
Speaker 5: greater good. So my biological father was in the military.

858
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:31,360
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, so you're hearing what I'm hearing.

859
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:36,040
Speaker 5: Pension benefits, like all kinds of stuff there was missed though,

860
00:42:36,239 --> 00:42:39,720
Speaker 5: Like and it's just like, again, I understand, people make mistakes,

861
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:42,399
Speaker 5: people do different things, but like, at some point in time,

862
00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:43,560
Speaker 5: we gotta face.

863
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:47,120
Speaker 4: The like we gotta face the music, and right, you

864
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:47,719
Speaker 4: know what I'm saying.

865
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:51,480
Speaker 5: And it's like I feel like sometimes especially you know,

866
00:42:52,719 --> 00:42:55,960
Speaker 5: I had a lot of commocuous relationships with black women,

867
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:58,640
Speaker 5: and I've actually went out of my way to try

868
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:02,680
Speaker 5: and be so after incorporate more femininity, and a lot

869
00:43:02,719 --> 00:43:05,480
Speaker 5: of that actually came in while I was in my program,

870
00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:08,239
Speaker 5: because like one thing you realize is like when I

871
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:11,000
Speaker 5: was in my addiction, I didn't have female friends, Like

872
00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:13,359
Speaker 5: I didn't have no reason to like I didn't want

873
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:16,680
Speaker 5: no sisterhood, I didn't want no closeness. Like if anything

874
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:19,759
Speaker 5: I thought I thought women was haters my sex read

875
00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:22,680
Speaker 5: I'm like where a man at like you get went on,

876
00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:24,080
Speaker 5: Like that's too much.

877
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:28,040
Speaker 3: I'm not going to turn up right right right.

878
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:32,359
Speaker 5: But it becomes it becomes really difficult when you never

879
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:40,239
Speaker 5: witness accountability in female leadership firsthand, because I know for me,

880
00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:44,000
Speaker 5: it's like you know how sometimes you'll just think about

881
00:43:44,760 --> 00:43:47,680
Speaker 5: I think now sometimes like when I'll go on like

882
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:50,480
Speaker 5: social media, for instance, like on Mother's Day, and I

883
00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:53,920
Speaker 5: see like women write about like their mom and.

884
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:56,520
Speaker 4: Like different qualities they have and different things that.

885
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:59,880
Speaker 5: Their moms have done, and it's like, wow, that's amazing,

886
00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:03,120
Speaker 5: Like I'm sure my mom has some of those capabilities,

887
00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:06,239
Speaker 5: but she also has some other character defects that she's

888
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:09,680
Speaker 5: got to work on right, come to term with that,

889
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:14,240
Speaker 5: Like certain things can't come to fruition, and you know again,

890
00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:20,160
Speaker 5: I feel like the best thing about going through treatment

891
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:25,920
Speaker 5: or a program is you learn that if you don't

892
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:31,640
Speaker 5: have those tough, sticky, nasty conversations, you can never get

893
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:34,240
Speaker 5: to those hilltops. You'll never get to those wonderful moments

894
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:40,759
Speaker 5: because in the ruffling of the feathers comes comes the serenity,

895
00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:44,600
Speaker 5: comes the okay, like, here's what's going on. But it's like,

896
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:46,840
Speaker 5: if we can never address what's going on, if you

897
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:49,480
Speaker 5: can never be like I was, you know, doing this,

898
00:44:49,640 --> 00:44:52,160
Speaker 5: doing that, whatever, Like if you can't even.

899
00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:56,440
Speaker 4: Admit what happened, we can never move on. It's like

900
00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:57,440
Speaker 4: it never happened.

901
00:44:57,520 --> 00:44:59,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, But you know, it was another point that you

902
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:02,040
Speaker 2: up in the when I was doing my research with you,

903
00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:04,279
Speaker 2: doing my research about you, because you mentioned that when

904
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:08,319
Speaker 2: you was a child, you was diagnosed with ADHD and

905
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:10,920
Speaker 2: you were put on medication, and that's something that you resented.

906
00:45:11,239 --> 00:45:13,279
Speaker 2: So I was thinking, like, do you think that being

907
00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:15,719
Speaker 2: medicated as a child shaped the way you view or

908
00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:17,040
Speaker 2: you substance later on.

909
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:21,400
Speaker 5: So let me tell you this, And I'm so glad

910
00:45:21,480 --> 00:45:23,640
Speaker 5: you brought this up, because this was one of the

911
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:29,000
Speaker 5: things where it became real, like it became a real crossroads.

912
00:45:29,239 --> 00:45:31,879
Speaker 5: I remember getting diagnosed, like I like when I say

913
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:35,560
Speaker 5: diagnosed for ADHD, Like I remember going to a place

914
00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:39,200
Speaker 5: and it was like nothing I've ever like to this day,

915
00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:42,319
Speaker 5: I'm waiting to go back. This was like this was

916
00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:45,839
Speaker 5: a kid's dream. I mean it was like slides and

917
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:48,440
Speaker 5: ball rooms and balances, like it was so like I

918
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:51,640
Speaker 5: just remember it was so much stuff like like and

919
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:53,840
Speaker 5: everybody was like, you're doing great, just keep playing.

920
00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:57,000
Speaker 4: I was like I didn't know what to do. And then.

921
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:02,200
Speaker 5: Then came this, this, next this next time. It was like, oh,

922
00:46:02,480 --> 00:46:05,040
Speaker 5: based on the results we got it that you did

923
00:46:05,040 --> 00:46:07,160
Speaker 5: at this lab, we're gonna put you on this medication.

924
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:10,719
Speaker 4: And you know, like I'm just gonna be honest with you.

925
00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:13,680
Speaker 5: We're having this phone conversation, you know, my mom sat

926
00:46:13,719 --> 00:46:17,160
Speaker 5: me down and you know, I'm at this private, predominantly

927
00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:19,680
Speaker 5: white Christian school, and my mom was like, I need

928
00:46:19,719 --> 00:46:21,760
Speaker 5: you to take this medicine and I need you.

929
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:23,359
Speaker 4: You're gonna have You're gonna have to do what's right.

930
00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:26,440
Speaker 5: And I remember being like, you know, after taking it

931
00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:28,480
Speaker 5: a little while, being like I really don't like the

932
00:46:28,520 --> 00:46:31,560
Speaker 5: way this feels, like I don't I don't have an appetite,

933
00:46:31,640 --> 00:46:34,040
Speaker 5: like I have to use the bathroom, like I.

934
00:46:33,719 --> 00:46:36,240
Speaker 4: Like, I don't. I don't like taking this medicine.

935
00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:39,080
Speaker 5: And my mom's like she's one of those parents where

936
00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:42,279
Speaker 5: it's like if a doctor tells her something, ain't no

937
00:46:42,440 --> 00:46:44,200
Speaker 5: second opinion, ain't nothing.

938
00:46:44,239 --> 00:46:46,719
Speaker 4: We're taking that diagnosis. We running with it.

939
00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:51,960
Speaker 5: And it's like I was a riddling kid, like heavy riddling,

940
00:46:52,440 --> 00:46:55,319
Speaker 5: Like I remember my teacher at one point, my second

941
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:57,440
Speaker 5: grade teacher, he had advocated for me. He was like,

942
00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:00,160
Speaker 5: I don't know if this dose is just necessary, Like

943
00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:02,520
Speaker 5: I remember going like being older, going back and reading

944
00:47:02,560 --> 00:47:07,200
Speaker 5: the notes, and you know there's something to be said

945
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:10,680
Speaker 5: for the parent that doesn't listen to the child when

946
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:11,760
Speaker 5: they say I don't.

947
00:47:11,560 --> 00:47:12,600
Speaker 4: Like how this feels.

948
00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:17,240
Speaker 5: Because when I got older, I remember being in clubs

949
00:47:17,239 --> 00:47:20,440
Speaker 5: and bars and not liking that first, second, or third shot.

950
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:23,880
Speaker 5: But I knew like my friends like me when I

951
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:26,839
Speaker 5: got drunk, like everybody else like me when I turn up.

952
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:29,759
Speaker 5: So there goes that gyp sense of approval. So let

953
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:32,440
Speaker 5: me just take this real quick in I don't care

954
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:33,600
Speaker 5: how it's gonna make me feel.

955
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:35,400
Speaker 4: Everybody else is gonna like this version.

956
00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:41,320
Speaker 2: And that concludes part one of this week's episode, and Chow.

957
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 2: What's a Conversation My God? Part two drops next week,

958
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:48,359
Speaker 2: so in the meantime, if you want to keep key

959
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:51,440
Speaker 2: about this week's episode, make sure to email me at

960
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:55,799
Speaker 2: hello at THEPSG podcast dot com and until next time,

961
00:47:55,920 --> 00:48:06,520
Speaker 2: everyone later. Pretty Private is a production of the Black

962
00:48:06,520 --> 00:48:10,880
Speaker 2: Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the

963
00:48:10,920 --> 00:48:15,080
Speaker 2: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your

964
00:48:15,080 --> 00:48:18,520
Speaker 2: favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show,

965
00:48:19,040 --> 00:48:21,719
Speaker 2: and you can connect with me on social media at

966
00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:23,239
Speaker 2: Pretty Private Podcasts.