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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can

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Speaker 1: experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city

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Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It

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Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO

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Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,

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Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences

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Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a

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Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.

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Speaker 1: Head to Jaysheddy dot me forward Slash Tour and get

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Speaker 1: yours today.

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Speaker 2: It's just so hard to process that you thought we

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Speaker 2: had all this time and it was just taken away.

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Speaker 3: Breaking news. Former One Direction thinger Liam Payne has.

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Speaker 4: Been found dead at a hotel in Buenos Aires in Argentina.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you why you felt that you

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Speaker 1: wanted to come here to speak about this and why

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Speaker 1: right now I want to talk about how you found

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Speaker 1: out on the day that we sadly lost Liam.

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Speaker 5: The day left Argentina was the last day I was

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Speaker 5: able to touch Liam, to hug Liam in that moment.

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Speaker 5: I still don't believe it to be true. I was

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Speaker 5: supposed to be trying on my wedding dress. I wasn't

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Speaker 5: supposed to be wearing black dress.

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Speaker 1: What was the last conversation you'd had with Liam?

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Speaker 5: One thing that really helps me day to day is

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Speaker 5: reading letters that Liam has left me.

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Speaker 1: And I believe you brought one of those letters that

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Speaker 1: you talk could share.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, the number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sheidy,

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Speaker 4: Jay Sheddy.

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Speaker 1: Shed Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am

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Speaker 1: so grateful that you've tuned in today to listen, learn

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Speaker 1: and grow. We have built this platform as a place

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Speaker 1: of happiness, of health, and of healing. And today I'm

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Speaker 1: really truly grateful because I have the honor of sitting

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Speaker 1: down with Kate Cassidy, the girlfriend to internationally beloved artist

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Speaker 1: and former One Direction member Liam Paine. And Liam's voice, talent,

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Speaker 1: and charisma left an indelible mark on millions, and his

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Speaker 1: sudden passing on October sixteenth left the world mourning a

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Speaker 1: true star. Nearly three years ago, while working as a

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Speaker 1: waitress in Charleston, which we'll hear about more Fate introduced

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Speaker 1: Kate to Liam. Kate is here to share her story

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Speaker 1: of love, loss and the strength to move forward. Please

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Speaker 1: give a warm welcome to Kate Cassidy, Kate, Welcome to

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Speaker 1: On Purpose. I want to start by just checking with

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Speaker 1: you and asking you how you're doing today.

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Speaker 5: Thanks for having me. I think that's the hardest question

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Speaker 5: to answer. There's really no right answer to that. I

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Speaker 5: think the best thing I can say to that is

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Speaker 5: I'm doing okay. I have my harder days and I

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Speaker 5: have my better days. I think each day it doesn't

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Speaker 5: get so much better, but each day I'm just trying

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Speaker 5: my best, and I think even just trying my best

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Speaker 5: makes me feel that little bit better. This has just

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Speaker 5: been such a rollercoaster of emotions, and I'm really just

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Speaker 5: really trying my best. I don't, like I said, that's

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Speaker 5: the hardest question to really put into words to answer.

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Speaker 1: No, and I wanted I wanted to start off by

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Speaker 1: and I was sharing this with you when you first arrived,

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Speaker 1: but I wanted to share my prayers. My condolence is

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Speaker 1: to yourself, to Liam, his family, friends, the fans all

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Speaker 1: across the world, like just my prayers for him and

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Speaker 1: for everyone who loves him because it's such a loss

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Speaker 1: that you feel. I remember the day it happened, and

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Speaker 1: me and my whole team there was it was. It

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Speaker 1: was something that impacted everyone. And I wanted to ask

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Speaker 1: you why you felt that you wanted to come here

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Speaker 1: to speak about this, and why right now and why

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Speaker 1: this was appropriate timing for you to want to share

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Speaker 1: some of this story.

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Speaker 3: It's been, just like I said, a roller coaster.

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Speaker 5: And you give this such a sense of comfort, and

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Speaker 5: I do want to be able to use my voice

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Speaker 5: and be able to share my story as this has

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Speaker 5: impacted me so much and changed my life forever, and

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Speaker 5: you give this sense of comfort and sincerity that I

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Speaker 5: genuinely feel like I would be just you know, And

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Speaker 5: I am so comfortable speaking and sharing my story with you.

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Speaker 5: And if there's any opportunity and chance for me to

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Speaker 5: help other people that are dealing with grief, mental health,

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Speaker 5: anything like that, I really want to be able to

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Speaker 5: be able to help. And even though right now I'm

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Speaker 5: not an expert, I don't think anybody can really be

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Speaker 5: an expert at that. But I'm going through this day

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Speaker 5: by day and I'm teaching and learning, you know, teaching

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Speaker 5: myself how to better myself, and I think if there's

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Speaker 5: if I could give anybody advice and help other people,

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Speaker 5: then I would love to be able to be able

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Speaker 5: to do that.

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Speaker 3: Well.

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Speaker 1: I want to acknowledge how brave that is and how

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Speaker 1: commendable that is. And again, I'm grateful that you're here

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Speaker 1: and giving us the opportunity to hopefully help so many

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Speaker 1: people as well, and hopefully do it from a place

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Speaker 1: of peace for yourself. So the last few months for

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Speaker 1: you have been drastically different and changed your life, as

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Speaker 1: you mentioned just now, But before we dive into that,

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Speaker 1: I wanted to focus on who Kate was before Liam,

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Speaker 1: before this, so that we can understand you a bit

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Speaker 1: more and your journey. So talk to me about Kate.

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Speaker 5: So grew up in New Jersey. I actually am half British.

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Speaker 5: My mom's from England, so I do have a ton

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Speaker 5: of family in England.

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Speaker 1: We're in England.

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Speaker 3: She grew up in a town called Edmonton. I'm not

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Speaker 3: too familiar.

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Speaker 1: That is so close to where I grew up. Really, yeah,

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Speaker 1: if we're talking about the same Edmonton, Yeah, I do.

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Speaker 5: Have some family in England on my mom's side. Grew

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Speaker 5: up in New Jersey after I graduated high school, I

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Speaker 5: kind of immediately moved out of the house pretty much.

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Speaker 5: I went to a college in South Carolina called Coastal

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Speaker 5: Carolina University, graduated there. After four years, moved to Charleston,

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Speaker 5: South Carolina. I think after college, I wasn't too sure

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Speaker 5: what I wanted to do with work or with even

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Speaker 5: my life. I think it was still kind of that,

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Speaker 5: you know, I went to college. I had such a

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Speaker 5: great experience. I met so many great people. I'm so

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Speaker 5: glad I have a degree, and I didn't know though,

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Speaker 5: what I wanted to do. Some people obviously go to

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Speaker 5: college for you know, law school, medical school. They kind

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Speaker 5: of know what path they're taking. I kind of went

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Speaker 5: to college just saying, Okay, I know at some point

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Speaker 5: it's going to click, like I know what I want

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Speaker 5: to do. But I still didn't really understand what I

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Speaker 5: wanted to do in life. So moved to Charleston with

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Speaker 5: a bunch of my friends. My friends were all kind

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Speaker 5: of in the same boat too. We were all just

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Speaker 5: kind of like, all right, let's just take one day

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Speaker 5: at a time. We all graduated college. We're all kind

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Speaker 5: of almost in a way like lost. We don't know

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Speaker 5: what to do college is over?

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Speaker 1: Now?

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Speaker 5: What Now it's like the real life, the real big

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Speaker 5: girl life. And moved to Charleston all together, and took

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Speaker 5: some time there just to focus on myself, and I

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Speaker 5: ended up a couple months later getting this waitressing job

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Speaker 5: at this restaurant, lounge bar place, and that's where, on

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Speaker 5: my second week of working, I met Liam and that

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Speaker 5: day is you know, has changed my life forever, and

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Speaker 5: it was you know, I'm such a believer and everything

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Speaker 5: happens for a reason, and it's I've talked about this

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Speaker 5: previously in the past, but it's very it's just so

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Speaker 5: weird how sometimes the dots all connect. Because I tried

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Speaker 5: so hard to get off work already my second week,

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Speaker 5: I told my friend because my friend was the one

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Speaker 5: who owned the restaurant, and I told her, I honestly

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Speaker 5: want to I wanted to balance my social life with

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Speaker 5: work life. So I just said to her, I want

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Speaker 5: to work every other weekend. Because it was only a

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Speaker 5: weekend shift. It was Thursday to Sunday. So I told her,

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Speaker 5: I want to work every other weekend. And then week

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Speaker 5: two came about and she put my name on the

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Speaker 5: schedule and I remember calling her and I was like, wait,

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Speaker 5: I thought I wasn't working back to back weekends, and

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Speaker 5: she was like, we really need you, like.

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Speaker 3: It's just our second week of opening. It was brand new.

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Speaker 5: I tried so hard to get off and I was like,

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Speaker 5: you know what, Okay, fine, So I went in and

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Speaker 5: I met Liam that same night. And it's just crazy

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Speaker 5: because if I did get off that I never would

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Speaker 5: have met him.

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Speaker 3: So yeah, I met him that night. I was his

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Speaker 3: server and it all started from there.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing that. I wanted people to have

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Speaker 1: context of you know, where you've come from as well,

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Speaker 1: and I can't believe me and your mum have Edmonton

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Speaker 1: in common. That Yeah, that's still blowing my mind. I

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Speaker 1: read somewhere that you said that you had a crush

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Speaker 1: on Liam ever since you were ten years old, and

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Speaker 1: that you even felt that you would definitely meet at

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Speaker 1: some point, Like there was that yeah you had.

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Speaker 5: I think a woman always has a strong intuition, and

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Speaker 5: I think for me, I was a one direction fan

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Speaker 5: and specifically Liam. I remember even a couple years ago,

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Speaker 5: like a fan dug up this old Facebook post and

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Speaker 5: it was of me from like twenty ten, and it

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Speaker 5: was I think it said like Ferzane comment for Liam,

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Speaker 5: and I commented on my own post Liam with an

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Speaker 5: explanation point. And I really just feel like even the

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Speaker 5: way that me and Liam met, I just think that

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Speaker 5: the fact that it was my second week of work,

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Speaker 5: Liam is in town in this kind of random city,

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Speaker 5: just randomly, and that you know, I tried to get

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Speaker 5: off work and I happened to be his server, and

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Speaker 5: then we just clicked immediately. And just the fact that

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Speaker 5: even I have all this background and I'm familiar with England,

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Speaker 5: with London, and just we just hit it off the

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Speaker 5: bat immediately. And I really do believe that people are

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Speaker 5: meant to meet in this life, and I do believe.

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Speaker 3: That we were. We were like soule connections.

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Speaker 5: We had that connection because instantly, as soon as we

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Speaker 5: started talking, we had this connection more.

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Speaker 3: It was just so easy.

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Speaker 5: I mean, I'm not going to lie. Of course I

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Speaker 5: was nervous. I was a fan, so I of course

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Speaker 5: was so nervous to meet him. I remember walking up

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Speaker 5: to his table, my heart was pounding and I was

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Speaker 5: kind of just like what am I doing? Like this

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Speaker 5: is terrifying, Like Hi, I'm Kate, nice to meet you.

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Speaker 5: It was terrifying, but he was just such a humble,

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Speaker 5: kind person. You would never even know that he was

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Speaker 5: this huge worldwide pop star.

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Speaker 3: You would never know.

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Speaker 5: And he just had this sort of sparked him and

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Speaker 5: he was just so kind, just so humble, so different

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Speaker 5: than anybody I've ever met, and just immediately it was

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Speaker 5: just like just a spark that we were just a

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Speaker 5: conversation just flowed so easily. And it's just but I

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Speaker 5: didn't think, of course that, oh, conversation's going great, I'm

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Speaker 5: gonna have a future with this man. I didn't think

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Speaker 5: anything about I just thought, this guy's really great. This

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Speaker 5: is so cool to meet him. I had his posters

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Speaker 5: on my want when I was ten years old. I know,

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Speaker 5: drew photos of him when I was ten years old.

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Speaker 5: So I didn't know it was going to go anywhere,

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Speaker 5: and the obviously it did.

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Speaker 1: Okay, thank you so much for sharing that, And I

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Speaker 1: want to hear a bit about how did that evolve

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Speaker 1: into this beautiful relationship. I've seen videos of both of

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Speaker 1: you dancing together and attending events together and whatever else

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Speaker 1: it may be like to talk to me about those

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Speaker 1: early months of dating and how were you managing to

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Speaker 1: spend time together with his busy schedule, where you were living.

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Speaker 1: How did that all work?

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Speaker 5: He did end up extending his flight a couple of

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Speaker 5: days in Charleston. I think he was supposed to leave

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Speaker 5: the next the following day, and he ended up extending

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Speaker 5: it for three nights, so he was there for a

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Speaker 5: couple of days. We spent day and night together. Immediately

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Speaker 5: immediately just clicked so well. We would go to the beach,

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Speaker 5: go to dinners, lunches, we went bowling, we would do

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Speaker 5: all these Charleston tours. We just had this click and

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Speaker 5: it was just so normal, you know, and it was nice.

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Speaker 5: I felt like I was his tour guid. He's never

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Speaker 5: been to Charleston before. I was able to show him around.

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Speaker 5: He's been all over the world to all these different places,

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Speaker 5: and it was like I was able to show him

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Speaker 5: the one place he hasn't been to.

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Speaker 3: So it kind of gave me that upperhand.

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Speaker 5: I was like, oh, I feel kind of says cool

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Speaker 5: that I'm able to show him this new place.

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Speaker 3: And he loved it.

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Speaker 5: He loved Charleston. I ended up going flying out to

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Speaker 5: England to London about like a week later, and once

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Speaker 5: again just inseparable, I mean, hit it off where it's

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Speaker 5: like we were obviously I was staying with him, but

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Speaker 5: we just the minute we'd wake up, we would just

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Speaker 5: plan all these things throughout the day to do all

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Speaker 5: these things, and it just felt right, is how I

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Speaker 5: would describe it. It was just something that it was

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Speaker 5: so fun and I could tell like I brought out

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Speaker 5: this light in him where he was just so like

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Speaker 5: he was just happy, and I think that I saw

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Speaker 5: that in him, and we both brought out this light

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Speaker 5: in each other.

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Speaker 3: I was happy.

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Speaker 5: He showed me this type of fairy tale life and

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Speaker 5: I showed him a sense of normality, which I think

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Speaker 5: is you know, balance is a key in a lot

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Speaker 5: of relationships. And I think that it was just so

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Speaker 5: cool to experience so many things I never would have

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Speaker 5: thought I would experience, or places I never thought i'd

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Speaker 5: be able to go to in the world that he

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Speaker 5: took me after being with him for two months, not

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Speaker 5: even and it's just it was crazy, it was insane,

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Speaker 5: and I was so grateful and blessed to be able to,

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Speaker 5: you know, experience that with somebody that I loved and love.

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Speaker 1: How did it feel like going from I have a

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Speaker 1: crush on this person to oh, my gosh, you're my boyfriend,

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Speaker 1: Like what was that realization?

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Speaker 5: Like at first, it was so surreal. I would wake

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Speaker 5: up every day and just I would even say it

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Speaker 5: to him. I'm not really a shy person, so I

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Speaker 5: would say to him, I can't even believe me and

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Speaker 5: you are together right now.

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Speaker 3: Like I was a fan. I was a fan. I

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Speaker 3: would always say these things to him.

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Speaker 5: It's not like I would run into my closet and

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Speaker 5: like scream out of excitement. I was honest with I

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Speaker 5: just was always, you know, saying to him, I can't

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Speaker 5: even believe it. But I think that it got to

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Speaker 5: a point where it just became so normal and it

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Speaker 5: just felt so normal, like you just put all that

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Speaker 5: past you and you know it's still of course, I

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Speaker 5: would always say to him, you are the coolest person

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Speaker 5: I've ever met in my life, and it's just such

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Speaker 5: an honor to be a part of your life. It's

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Speaker 5: he was the best person I've ever met. And I

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Speaker 5: think that one day it just kind of okay, this

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Speaker 5: is reality. It doesn't you know, fame doesn't change somebody

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Speaker 5: or you know, in his it didn't change him. So

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Speaker 5: it just felt so normal and just felt so right.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so beautiful to hear. And what was it

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Speaker 1: like with the media attention on your relationship in those

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Speaker 1: early days? How did you experience that? It was.

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Speaker 5: Something I've never experienced before in my life, of course,

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Speaker 5: and it was definitely difficult, i'd say in the beginning.

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Speaker 5: I think also with boy bands and you know, guy

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Speaker 5: like male pop stars, I think they have this fan

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Speaker 5: base that, of course, so many girls are so protective

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Speaker 5: over and I understand that. I mean, this was one

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Speaker 5: direction was a part of so many you know, people's childhoods,

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Speaker 5: and I me being one of those, so I totally

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Speaker 5: understand that. But I think when we first kind of

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00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,600
Speaker 5: were spotted out in public, and I think it might

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Speaker 5: have been maybe our first Instagram post together or something,

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Speaker 5: I was just getting flooded with hate just like you're like,

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Speaker 5: you know, just just being the new girlfriend, kind of

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Speaker 5: like this isn't going to last.

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Speaker 3: Who even are you? Where do you come from?

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Speaker 5: Like just nitpicking everything about me, just my appearance down

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Speaker 5: to everything. Just you know, people would dig up all

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Speaker 5: these old photos of me from like twenty twenty, you know,

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Speaker 5: and just be like, she looks so different than she

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Speaker 5: looks now, Comparing photos and it was just it was.

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Speaker 3: Just hard to see that.

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Speaker 5: And Liam, you know, Liam would say to me like,

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Speaker 5: I'm I'm so like he would feel at Folly'd be like,

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Speaker 5: I feel so bad that you're that you have to

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Speaker 5: put up with this and deal with this like this,

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Speaker 5: you know, like if this isn't for you, And I

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Speaker 5: was like, I don't care what people think at all

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Speaker 5: because I love you. So if people think that our

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Speaker 5: relationship is fake or staged, or if they think I

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Speaker 5: wear too much makeup or like look ten times older,

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Speaker 5: like or just have these little nippicking opinions about me, like,

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Speaker 5: at the end of the day, nobody knows our relationship

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Speaker 5: like me and Liam.

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Speaker 3: So I never let it get to me.

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Speaker 5: He never let it get to him, and he showed

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Speaker 5: me that it's not don't let people's opinions get to you.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't matter.

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Speaker 5: It's always going to behind the computer screen and it

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Speaker 5: shouldn't let it affect your day or your life. And

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Speaker 5: I completely agree with that. And I try, you know,

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Speaker 5: I try to have the thickest strong of skin, but

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Speaker 5: I will say sometimes like one negative comment will weigh out.

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Speaker 3: Ten positive comments.

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Speaker 5: No matter how strong you are, you see that one

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Speaker 5: really negative comment, but then you see ten really kind,

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Speaker 5: beautiful comments on top of that. The only one you're

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Speaker 5: going to think about all of that day is the

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Speaker 5: one negative one you're not going to think about like

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Speaker 5: the kind ones.

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Speaker 1: No, it's so true, and it's even harder when it's

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Speaker 1: almost like a life that you came into because it

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Speaker 1: wasn't the life that you had. Yeah, it's extremely thick

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Speaker 1: skinned for you to be able to say, I love you,

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Speaker 1: so I don't care about it. But like you said,

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Speaker 1: sometimes things got through. How did you navigate that together?

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Speaker 1: How did you navigate that personally? Because like you said,

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Speaker 1: there's always that one comment that kind of squeezes through

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Speaker 1: that thick skin that we have that does affect us,

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Speaker 1: and we all go through it. I know I go

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Speaker 1: through it. How did you navigate that? How did you

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Speaker 1: navigate that together?

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Speaker 5: That was definitely all Liam for me. He almost like

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00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,760
Speaker 5: guided me into this way. He just built me up.

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Speaker 5: He made me feel like this amazing human and this

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Speaker 5: he grew up in the limelight of fame since the

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Speaker 5: young age of fourteen fifteen years old, so he's had

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Speaker 5: over at the time, you know, almost fifteen years of

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Speaker 5: experience of this and He just completely always said, you're

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Speaker 5: going to get hate no matter what, You're going to

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Speaker 5: get negativity.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't matter what you do, he just always said.

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Speaker 5: And I would see it because people wouldn't always be

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Speaker 5: so nice to him, and I would see him just

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Speaker 5: brushing it off. And he really you know, sometimes I

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Speaker 5: could see that one comment that would get to him,

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Speaker 5: but barely.

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Speaker 3: He would just brush it off and just who cares.

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Speaker 5: And he really taught me that it's not important this

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Speaker 5: one comment, And he really did train me in a

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Speaker 5: way to realize that life is more than that, and

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Speaker 5: not to let one negative comment affect your.

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Speaker 3: Entire day or your life.

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Speaker 5: That's amazing to focus on the good things, focus on

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Speaker 5: the positivity from it, not the negativity.

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Speaker 1: That's that's incredible to hear. I mean about his character

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Speaker 1: and just how comforting and loving he was and supportive

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Speaker 1: he was was as you just mentioned there that he

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Speaker 1: sometimes received it too. You know, obviously from my outside perspective,

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Speaker 1: it's like you look at someone like him who's so beloved,

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Speaker 1: so appreciated, admired, What was he experiencing, what was he

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Speaker 1: what was he going through?

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Speaker 5: I think a lot of the negativity and it always

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Speaker 5: comes with fame, Like I said before, but he would

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Speaker 5: just almost have got to a point where a lot

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Speaker 5: of the things that he would do, he was getting

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Speaker 5: this negativity brought towards him and it was just so

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Speaker 5: uncalled for and it's just so mean and verticuoling and cyberbullying.

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Speaker 5: And he could be out somewhere wearing something and people

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Speaker 5: would say he's trying too hard, or he could post

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Speaker 5: something and people would say, oh, like, you know, he

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Speaker 5: thinks he's all that, just such mean things that And

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Speaker 5: like I said before, he was the most humble person

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Speaker 5: you know. And that's how I would say to him too,

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Speaker 5: like these people are just behind a computer screen. Don't

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Speaker 5: let this affect you. And he didn't need to hear

404
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Speaker 5: that from me. I mean, he's been dealing with this

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Speaker 5: fifteen years. But yeah, he just for pretty much anything

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Speaker 5: that he did, he was living under this microscope. People

407
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,399
Speaker 5: would love it, people would hate it. He would wear

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Speaker 5: something specific and people would say, oh, my god, he's

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00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,240
Speaker 5: dressed great, but then people would be like, what the

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Speaker 5: hell is he wearing? He looks so whatever, And anything

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Speaker 5: he did, pretty much he'd get that mixture of love

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Speaker 5: and heat, and I think that's with a lot of

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Speaker 5: people that are living in the limelight. I think no

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Speaker 5: matter what they do, will get that mixture of love

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Speaker 5: and hate, no matter what, doesn't matter who you are,

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Speaker 5: what you do, they will always get that. But I

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Speaker 5: think he did such a good job of being able

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Speaker 5: to just push that negativity aside and just focus on

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Speaker 5: the good and the positivity. I mean, he was so

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Speaker 5: talented and he knew that, and he knew that, and

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Speaker 5: he should know that and just not let those comments,

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Speaker 5: those hurtful comments, ruin his day, because there's no point.

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441
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442
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443
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444
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:45,200
Speaker 1: and make sure you use the code on purpose. He

445
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:49,440
Speaker 1: seems like a humble, wonderful, kind, giving human being And

446
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:53,280
Speaker 1: at the same time, was he already struggling with addiction

447
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,399
Speaker 1: and mental health challenges when you both met or was

448
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,679
Speaker 1: that something that you saw develop.

449
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,280
Speaker 5: He's been pretty open about his mental health, and I

450
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:05,200
Speaker 5: think it's something he struggled with for definitely a good

451
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,159
Speaker 5: amount of time even before we were together.

452
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:10,200
Speaker 3: It was no secret.

453
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,639
Speaker 5: And I think that you know, with mental health and addiction,

454
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:17,960
Speaker 5: it really is you just never really know what way

455
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:19,760
Speaker 5: it's going to go, and it's just a flip that

456
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:23,280
Speaker 5: can switch. I think that for him, Yeah, he experienced

457
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:30,120
Speaker 5: struggles with mental health for years before dating me as well,

458
00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:35,000
Speaker 5: and I think that he did struggle with addiction, and

459
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,119
Speaker 5: I think again, he was pretty open about that. And

460
00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:41,320
Speaker 5: like I said, with mental health, it's kind of the

461
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:45,840
Speaker 5: same thing where it's like you addiction is something where

462
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:49,320
Speaker 5: obviously you don't want to have that addiction, and it's

463
00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:52,240
Speaker 5: something you know, if he could have chose to just

464
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:55,200
Speaker 5: be sober the rest of his life, he would have been.

465
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:59,879
Speaker 5: It's just something that I at first, I think, did

466
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:04,440
Speaker 5: didn't fully understand. I don't have addiction that runs in

467
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,920
Speaker 5: my family. I didn't really understand it at first, So

468
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 5: to be completely honest, I think in the beginning of

469
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:15,240
Speaker 5: our relationship, when he was struggling a little bit, I

470
00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:19,080
Speaker 5: think that I remember just kind of being like in

471
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,760
Speaker 5: my head, like, well, can't you just not do that?

472
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,159
Speaker 3: But it's not that easy.

473
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,439
Speaker 5: It's not easy at all, and they don't want an

474
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,639
Speaker 5: attict doesn't want to do that, he doesn't want to

475
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,080
Speaker 5: pick up a drink, he doesn't want to take a

476
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,280
Speaker 5: certain substance. Like they don't want to do that, but

477
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:38,000
Speaker 5: they it's almost like their brain is wired to pick

478
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:41,000
Speaker 5: up that beer, to do that thing. And that's when

479
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,639
Speaker 5: I started to realize, like, this is a this addiction

480
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:45,479
Speaker 5: is a serious thing.

481
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that makes so much sense. I feel

482
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,359
Speaker 1: for all of us. If you haven't seen someone with

483
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:56,000
Speaker 1: an addiction close up, you actually don't realize how deeply

484
00:22:56,119 --> 00:22:58,840
Speaker 1: conditioned and wired it is for that person. And it's

485
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,399
Speaker 1: so easy from afar to say, oh, why can't you

486
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,960
Speaker 1: just stop or why can't you just quit? Or why

487
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:06,480
Speaker 1: can't why can't you just not do that? And that's

488
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,720
Speaker 1: a natural feeling people have, But as you move closer

489
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,040
Speaker 1: to someone who has an addiction, you recognize it's actually

490
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,960
Speaker 1: them acting against their own will. It can be really

491
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 1: something that just pulls them towards it, even when they

492
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:22,760
Speaker 1: really don't want it. And you know, whenever I've met

493
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,440
Speaker 1: or seen people with addiction, I've seen that to be

494
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,359
Speaker 1: the case. And I really appreciate you being so honest

495
00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:30,960
Speaker 1: about it, because I think when you're new to it

496
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,159
Speaker 1: when you don't have an experience of it. That is

497
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,840
Speaker 1: how we process it. How did you start to notice it?

498
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:38,920
Speaker 1: When was it that you started to notice that this

499
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,280
Speaker 1: wasn't something that just goes away or that he can stop.

500
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,879
Speaker 1: And how did you adapt and change and show up

501
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:45,840
Speaker 1: for him in those times?

502
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:50,200
Speaker 5: I think it was I finally realized, you know that

503
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,760
Speaker 5: this is something he did not choose, you know, something

504
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:56,720
Speaker 5: that he does not want to choose. When he would,

505
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,600
Speaker 5: like I said, prior, it's we would have the best day,

506
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,920
Speaker 5: we would have such a great day, and then later

507
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,880
Speaker 5: on that night it was just something would just tick

508
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,399
Speaker 5: in his brain where he couldn't help himself. And I

509
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,960
Speaker 5: think that's a huge factor with addiction. In our relationship,

510
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,760
Speaker 5: balance was definitely a huge key. I really tried to

511
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,080
Speaker 5: do what I could to help him and better him

512
00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:21,040
Speaker 5: and distract his mind. For me, I'm really not a

513
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:25,160
Speaker 5: homebuddy at all. And Liam was a homebuddy and that's okay,

514
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,280
Speaker 5: But for me, I didn't want to be at home

515
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,680
Speaker 5: from the minute I wake up to the minute I

516
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,680
Speaker 5: go to sleep. And one thing I remember closer to

517
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:38,360
Speaker 5: the beginning of our relationship was that I remember Liam

518
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:43,360
Speaker 5: would always order us coffee from Starbucks on Uber eats

519
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,720
Speaker 5: every morning, and I eventually said to him, I was like,

520
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,040
Speaker 5: this is before I got my you know, I was

521
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,960
Speaker 5: able to drive and learn how to drive on the

522
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,159
Speaker 5: other side of the road in England, as you know.

523
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:55,159
Speaker 5: And I remember saying to him, I was like, you know,

524
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,200
Speaker 5: you have a car, why don't we just go out

525
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:58,680
Speaker 5: and grab a coffee? Like why do we have to

526
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,280
Speaker 5: order one every single morning from Starbucks? And he just

527
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:02,879
Speaker 5: would always say, I just I don't really want to

528
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:04,479
Speaker 5: get out of bed. I don't want to get out

529
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:05,840
Speaker 5: of bed yet. I just want to have like a

530
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,840
Speaker 5: lazy morning and then we'll go do something later on.

531
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:12,560
Speaker 5: And for me, I prefer to actually wake up early,

532
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 5: go grab a cup of coffee, go on a Starbucks

533
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,080
Speaker 5: drive through, sit on the drive through. I know it's

534
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,159
Speaker 5: something so small, but it makes my day feel ten

535
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,879
Speaker 5: times more productive just getting out of bed rather than

536
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,480
Speaker 5: sitting in your bed and waiting for a coffee to

537
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,119
Speaker 5: show up right at your doorstep. So for me, I

538
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,840
Speaker 5: think balance was a huge key factor in helping Liam

539
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,959
Speaker 5: with his mental health. You know, I tried to make

540
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,880
Speaker 5: sure that we weren't busy twenty four to seven, because

541
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,440
Speaker 5: he wouldn't have liked that. That's like him trying to

542
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 5: keep me at home twenty four seven. I wouldn't have

543
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:40,800
Speaker 5: liked that. So I think a balance was great. You know,

544
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:44,240
Speaker 5: some nights we would go out to a nice dinner

545
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,640
Speaker 5: and then go watch a movie after and then play

546
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,960
Speaker 5: mini golf or something or go bowling and then come home.

547
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,840
Speaker 5: But then other nights we would cook dinner at home,

548
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:54,760
Speaker 5: watch a movie at home in bed, and then play

549
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,520
Speaker 5: we bowling, you know, like we didn't have to be

550
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,680
Speaker 5: out all the time. But I think balance is so good,

551
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,200
Speaker 5: especially when you do struggle with mental health, to help

552
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,920
Speaker 5: get that person kind of out of their shell and

553
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:08,120
Speaker 5: out of the house. And that's something that I really

554
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,360
Speaker 5: tried to And some days, you know, he wouldn't really

555
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,320
Speaker 5: want to leave the house, and I would just kind

556
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:16,879
Speaker 5: of say to him, come on, like, we're getting out

557
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,320
Speaker 5: of the house. I have I found this cool museum.

558
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:21,720
Speaker 5: We're going to go here. And just at the end

559
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:24,480
Speaker 5: of the day, everything that we did, we never regretted

560
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,680
Speaker 5: because I knew in a way we succeeded the day

561
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:28,680
Speaker 5: I got him through his mental health, that day I

562
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:34,159
Speaker 5: got him out of that headspace. And I remember in

563
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:39,560
Speaker 5: Greece a couple months ago before Liam passed away. We

564
00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:42,639
Speaker 5: were in Greece and he was posting on his snapchat

565
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,680
Speaker 5: and he was having one of those days where he

566
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,480
Speaker 5: woke up and he wasn't in the best headspace. And

567
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,480
Speaker 5: I said to him, all right, get dressed, we're going

568
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,640
Speaker 5: to the beach. It's we're in Greece, it's eighty degree

569
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,760
Speaker 5: ninety degree weather. Why are we in the hotel room.

570
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:58,200
Speaker 5: We're going to the beach. He didn't want to go

571
00:26:58,200 --> 00:26:59,439
Speaker 5: to the beach. He said to me, I don't want

572
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,359
Speaker 5: anyone I want to say in the hotel room. And

573
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,720
Speaker 5: I remember saying to him, no, we're going to beach.

574
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:07,240
Speaker 5: It's a five minute walk, and then if you want

575
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:08,520
Speaker 5: to come back to the hotel room, we'll come back

576
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:10,080
Speaker 5: to the hotel room after. Let's just get out for

577
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:10,879
Speaker 5: even thirty minutes.

578
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:11,159
Speaker 3: Let's go.

579
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,439
Speaker 5: So we go to the beach and he's posting these

580
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,000
Speaker 5: snapchat stories and in a way, he's kind of joking.

581
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,480
Speaker 5: He's posting these videos and pictures. He's kind of joking saying, like,

582
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,240
Speaker 5: you know, my girlfriend dragged me to the beach. I

583
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 5: don't want to be here. But part of him was

584
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:27,160
Speaker 5: being serious, and I remember when he put that out,

585
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 5: I was. I actually the next day received a lot

586
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,600
Speaker 5: of hate from that because the fan base don't know

587
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 5: what goes on behind closed doors, so they took it

588
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,480
Speaker 5: as in I forced Liam out of the house. I

589
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,080
Speaker 5: forced him to do things he doesn't want to do,

590
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,480
Speaker 5: like he didn't want to go to the beach, but

591
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 5: his girlfriend's dragging him to the beach. But I just

592
00:27:44,359 --> 00:27:47,159
Speaker 5: did it to help better his headspace that day. And

593
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 5: at the end of the day, we had a great

594
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,520
Speaker 5: time at the beach. We did, and we ended up

595
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,560
Speaker 5: getting lunch after we made a whole day out of

596
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:55,479
Speaker 5: it instead of just sitting in the hotel room all day.

597
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,639
Speaker 5: And once again I knew that day we succeeded. It

598
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:03,399
Speaker 5: was at times a lot for me, and I am

599
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,480
Speaker 5: not a professional. I never was, and I, you know,

600
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,640
Speaker 5: am so young and I was so young at the time,

601
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,160
Speaker 5: and I really just tried to do everything that I could,

602
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,760
Speaker 5: and I just I think one thing that people need

603
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:19,000
Speaker 5: to realize is that you cannot fix somebody, and you

604
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:22,120
Speaker 5: cannot cure somebody. They could really only do it themselves.

605
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:25,119
Speaker 5: I think that's one thing. Back to what I was

606
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:28,040
Speaker 5: saying earlier that I just kind of was like, why

607
00:28:28,119 --> 00:28:29,760
Speaker 5: can you know, why does he have to do this?

608
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,960
Speaker 5: Like can't he just stop? Or Oh, I'm gonna run

609
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:34,600
Speaker 5: in and be the big hero. He's gonna you know,

610
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:36,840
Speaker 5: he's gonna, I'm gonna save the day. But at the

611
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:38,840
Speaker 5: end of the day, you cannot hear somebody, but you can.

612
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,520
Speaker 5: You can help them, You can support them through their

613
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 5: better days their worst days always, but you can't cure somebody.

614
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:45,800
Speaker 5: And I think that's one thing that a lot of

615
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:49,320
Speaker 5: people don't realize an addiction, that you and mental health

616
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:50,760
Speaker 5: you can't cure somebody.

617
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:54,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, And it's a lot to try, even beyond

618
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,000
Speaker 1: this situation. I think it's it's so hard, and I'm

619
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,200
Speaker 1: empathizing with so many people who probably listening and watching

620
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:04,240
Speaker 1: to this right now, who are trying to support a

621
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 1: partner through something like this, or a friend or a

622
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,960
Speaker 1: family member, And it can be really hard on you

623
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,400
Speaker 1: because you take on this responsibility, you take on this role,

624
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:17,960
Speaker 1: and every day it changes, right, It's not linear. I

625
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,280
Speaker 1: think a lot of people think it gets better every day,

626
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:21,880
Speaker 1: But you could get better for three days and then

627
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:27,280
Speaker 1: feel like you move back four steps exactly. Yeah, it's

628
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:31,040
Speaker 1: shifting every single day, and it's very challenging for both

629
00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:34,440
Speaker 1: people because the person who's suffering doesn't want to put

630
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 1: that on the other person, and the person who's trying

631
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:40,000
Speaker 1: to help wants to let go of that suffering, and

632
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,600
Speaker 1: so it's heavy for both people. It's also not just

633
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:46,040
Speaker 1: a one way thing. Yeah, it's both sides. I've seen

634
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 1: people through addiction and having mental health disorders that are

635
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,280
Speaker 1: just feeling so bad for their caretaker or their partner

636
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:55,240
Speaker 1: or friend who's trying to help them through it.

637
00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:57,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think something like that too.

638
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,320
Speaker 5: You have to in order to help and care for

639
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:01,320
Speaker 5: somebody else, you you have to not forget to care

640
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:03,840
Speaker 5: about yourself. And that's one thing I think I at

641
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,000
Speaker 5: times was kind of forgetting to do, where you know,

642
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:07,880
Speaker 5: a lot of people could probably relate to that if

643
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:10,240
Speaker 5: they're in a similar situation, and you have to be

644
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,480
Speaker 5: able to care and better yourself as well. You can't

645
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 5: just let yourself forget about yourself. You need to make

646
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:18,760
Speaker 5: sure that you care about yourself as well and that

647
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:20,440
Speaker 5: other person, of course both.

648
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, did you overall feel like things were getting better?

649
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:27,240
Speaker 1: Did you feel that he was moving in the right direction? Like,

650
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:30,840
Speaker 1: what was your thoughts about how that progress was happening

651
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:31,200
Speaker 1: for him?

652
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:34,120
Speaker 5: It was more so positive than it was negative. I

653
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,520
Speaker 5: think he made you know, like you said before, a

654
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:39,280
Speaker 5: lot of you know, he would take five steps forwards

655
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:40,560
Speaker 5: and then three steps backwards.

656
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:42,000
Speaker 3: It would be kind of one of those things.

657
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:46,880
Speaker 5: He was a very strong, strong person, so he had

658
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,760
Speaker 5: a strong mindset where he could really he could better

659
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:52,520
Speaker 5: himself at times, but it's just that flip, that that

660
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:57,160
Speaker 5: switch that just flips where you wake up one morning

661
00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,840
Speaker 5: and it's almost like he doesn't have a choice, but

662
00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:01,200
Speaker 5: he feels a certain type of way.

663
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:06,760
Speaker 1: Kate, I want to talk about how you found out

664
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:11,840
Speaker 1: on the day that we sadly lost Liam and what

665
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 1: happened that day. Where were you and how did you

666
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:14,640
Speaker 1: find out?

667
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,520
Speaker 5: I was in Florida and it was about three days

668
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:24,480
Speaker 5: after I got back from Argentina. I was in the

669
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:30,560
Speaker 5: house alone with our dog Nala, and I remember just

670
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:32,200
Speaker 5: being on the couch. I feel like that whole day

671
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:34,640
Speaker 5: was kind of a blur for me. Well, not the day,

672
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:37,640
Speaker 5: but that moment in time. I was on the couch

673
00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:40,760
Speaker 5: and I got a phone call from one of Liam's

674
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 5: friends and he called me and said, is Liam.

675
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:44,200
Speaker 3: Okay.

676
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:50,480
Speaker 5: I heard he fell from a balcony, and I said, what,

677
00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:52,440
Speaker 5: that must be a rumor. I was like, that's not

678
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:55,280
Speaker 5: true at all, Like there's no way this isn't true.

679
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,880
Speaker 5: And when his friend first called me to he didn't

680
00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 5: mention anything about death. So the first thing that went

681
00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 5: to my mind was either it was a rumor, just

682
00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 5: something for clickbait, or he fell off a balcony and

683
00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:12,120
Speaker 5: he broke a rib, like he's okay. So I'm making

684
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:17,200
Speaker 5: all these phone calls and nobody's answering the call, and

685
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:22,200
Speaker 5: eventually I call the friend back. At this point, I'm

686
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:26,920
Speaker 5: like starting to freak out, but I didn't think the worst,

687
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:31,080
Speaker 5: so I'm not even like panicking too too much, and

688
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,360
Speaker 5: I'm starting to get a little bit panicky. I call

689
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:38,000
Speaker 5: his friend back and I say, have you heard any updates?

690
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,520
Speaker 5: I'm really confused, like what's going on? And he was like,

691
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:48,120
Speaker 5: the only update I've heard is that Liam's Liam's Liam's dead.

692
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:57,880
Speaker 3: And in that moment, I in that moment, I still

693
00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:01,160
Speaker 3: didn't believe it to be true. There was just no way.

694
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:03,280
Speaker 5: But there was just that one little part of me

695
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:05,560
Speaker 5: in the back of my head that was like, why

696
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:06,920
Speaker 5: would somebody make this up, you know.

697
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:10,480
Speaker 3: I'm just starting to panic at this point.

698
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,640
Speaker 5: At this point, I'm thinking of Okay, this this must

699
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 5: be true, and I'm pacing around the house. I couldn't

700
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:22,240
Speaker 5: even sit still like I was genuinely there was like

701
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,040
Speaker 5: sweat dripping down me and I've never experienced that before,

702
00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:28,240
Speaker 5: and I was just I just I couldn't stop fidgeting

703
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:30,760
Speaker 5: with my hands. I couldn't be on my phone. At

704
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:36,440
Speaker 5: this point, my phone was getting blown up. So this news,

705
00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:39,560
Speaker 5: whether it be this rumor that wasn't true because I

706
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:44,880
Speaker 5: didn't have confirmation yet, or this true news that I

707
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:47,080
Speaker 5: was just I just found out two mensco. My phone

708
00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,600
Speaker 5: was completely getting blown up by my friends, my family,

709
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:53,240
Speaker 5: people that I haven't spoken to in years. I was

710
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:56,160
Speaker 5: getting miss calls from and I'm just staring at my

711
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:59,560
Speaker 5: phone and I'm like, not even looking at my messages,

712
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 5: but just I knew exactly what these calls were for.

713
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:08,920
Speaker 5: I'm I'm piecing around the house, freaking out. And eventually

714
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:16,719
Speaker 5: his friend called me back and he said that Liam's

715
00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:19,880
Speaker 5: not here anymore, and he's not he's dead and he

716
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,719
Speaker 5: fell to his death. And I still I still didn't

717
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:26,160
Speaker 5: really believe it. I just I kept saying, no, no, no,

718
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:29,479
Speaker 5: he's Are you sure he's He's probably just he broke

719
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:31,279
Speaker 5: he broke a bone, he broke a rib, he broke

720
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:33,080
Speaker 5: something like, he's not dead, he's not dead.

721
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:35,880
Speaker 3: There's there's no way he's dead. There's no way. And

722
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:39,439
Speaker 3: his friend said he's dead. He was like, I can't

723
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:42,200
Speaker 3: really talk for I can't talk. I just need to

724
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:43,759
Speaker 3: let you know the news. I'll call you back later.

725
00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:47,840
Speaker 3: And at this point I just lost it.

726
00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:52,120
Speaker 5: I I just even talking about it, it brings all

727
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:55,359
Speaker 5: these emotions back, where it's just still doesn't even feel

728
00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:58,120
Speaker 5: true talking about it. Sometimes I can talk about it

729
00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:01,839
Speaker 5: without crying, and then other times I can't really even

730
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:06,960
Speaker 5: speak because it's just so the way that I found out,

731
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,640
Speaker 5: it's just it's something that I never would have thought

732
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:13,440
Speaker 5: would have happened. And I'm sitting in my house, I'm

733
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:15,520
Speaker 5: all alone with my dog. I didn't want to be

734
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:17,960
Speaker 5: on my phone because, like I said, it was getting

735
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 5: blown up. And our housekeeper pulled in the driveway. And

736
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,719
Speaker 5: our housekeeper left earlier that day and she.

737
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:27,960
Speaker 1: She, you know, I.

738
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:30,640
Speaker 3: We got along really well, and.

739
00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:33,680
Speaker 5: I guessed as soon as she pulled in the driveway,

740
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,560
Speaker 5: I looked up out, you know, I looked out the

741
00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 5: front door.

742
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:37,160
Speaker 3: I saw a carpooll in the driveway.

743
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:39,040
Speaker 5: She put in the garage code, ran in the house

744
00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:41,600
Speaker 5: and just literally fell on the ground and just hugged

745
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:43,360
Speaker 5: me and just said, I am so sorry.

746
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:44,719
Speaker 3: I just got home.

747
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:46,640
Speaker 5: The first thing I did I put on the news

748
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:50,279
Speaker 5: and it was the first thing after getting back from

749
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,400
Speaker 5: your house. And it was just me and her, and

750
00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:56,440
Speaker 5: she was so comforting and brought me water, brought me tissues,

751
00:35:56,480 --> 00:36:00,239
Speaker 5: and eventually this is when all of my friends came

752
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:03,400
Speaker 5: over to support me. Obviously, my mom and dad are

753
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:05,080
Speaker 5: in New Jersey, so my mom got on a flight

754
00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:09,640
Speaker 5: the next day. Three of my best friends from childhood

755
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:11,439
Speaker 5: all gone on a flight the next day all flew

756
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:12,160
Speaker 5: down to be with me.

757
00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:16,560
Speaker 3: It was hard, and it just it just still. It

758
00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:19,279
Speaker 3: was just something I never thought I would ever get.

759
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:19,839
Speaker 3: That phone call.

760
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:23,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, people talk about phone calls you never want to

761
00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:26,080
Speaker 1: receive in life, and that's definitely one of them. I

762
00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:31,200
Speaker 1: can't imagine the shock, the lack of power, control ability

763
00:36:31,239 --> 00:36:35,160
Speaker 1: to change anything in that moment, the lack of feeling helpless,

764
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:40,320
Speaker 1: and confirmation not confirmation. I mean, there's so many emotions

765
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:45,719
Speaker 1: that are running there. I again so sorry to even

766
00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:47,960
Speaker 1: hear about it that way, and you know the courage

767
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,000
Speaker 1: that you have to share it right now. I'm sure

768
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:54,000
Speaker 1: it's not easy at all. What was the last conversation

769
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:57,239
Speaker 1: you'd had with Liam? Is that something that you were

770
00:36:57,239 --> 00:36:58,719
Speaker 1: thinking about then? Did you remember that?

771
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:02,320
Speaker 5: I think I think about the last day in the

772
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:06,239
Speaker 5: last words that we said to each other. It brings

773
00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:09,600
Speaker 5: me this mixture of pain and peace, and it brings

774
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 5: me pain because I can't fully still process that that

775
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 5: day was the day left Argentina, was the last day

776
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:21,360
Speaker 5: I was able to touch Liam, to hug Liam, to

777
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:24,120
Speaker 5: speak to him, to be in the same room as him.

778
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:27,560
Speaker 5: But it brings me peace because it was such a

779
00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:32,319
Speaker 5: beautiful last moment we had together on our last day.

780
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:36,440
Speaker 5: We woke up, we had an amazing breakfast, we were

781
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:41,520
Speaker 5: in the countryside, we went horseback riding, and I had

782
00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:45,040
Speaker 5: a later on evening flight and me and Liam had

783
00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:48,360
Speaker 5: this almost I don't even know what other word to

784
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,759
Speaker 5: describe it, but we had this cleaniness to us where

785
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,040
Speaker 5: even how we met, we kind of just met instance spark,

786
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:57,480
Speaker 5: and our relationship moved very quickly. And some people might

787
00:37:57,560 --> 00:37:59,640
Speaker 5: say it's too quick. You know, people are going to

788
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:01,879
Speaker 5: say what want to say. But I would never change

789
00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:05,239
Speaker 5: anything about it. And if I even went away for

790
00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:07,719
Speaker 5: one night to go spend the night at my girlfriend's house,

791
00:38:08,239 --> 00:38:10,279
Speaker 5: or even go to dinner with my girlfriends, the way

792
00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:11,680
Speaker 5: me and Liem would say gobye to each other was

793
00:38:11,719 --> 00:38:13,759
Speaker 5: and just like, oh, I'll see you later. Majority of

794
00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:16,520
Speaker 5: the time it was this heartfelt, long goodbye for at

795
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,480
Speaker 5: least five minutes of just hugging I'm going to miss you,

796
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:23,200
Speaker 5: I love you. And on the last day in Argentina,

797
00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:25,920
Speaker 5: my car was in the driveway and we went back

798
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:29,319
Speaker 5: into the guest house, grabbed my suitcase, and we were

799
00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:33,200
Speaker 5: sitting on the couch and I just kept going on

800
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:36,040
Speaker 5: and on and on about how much I love him

801
00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:38,279
Speaker 5: and how much he means me, and how much I'm

802
00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:39,800
Speaker 5: going to miss him, and that I can't wait for

803
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:43,120
Speaker 5: him to already be back in Florida because we were

804
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:45,160
Speaker 5: starting this new chapter of our life. We just bought

805
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:47,960
Speaker 5: a new house, we just got a dog. We just

806
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 5: moved to America as well. I mean I was living

807
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:51,680
Speaker 5: in England with him for two years. We just moved

808
00:38:51,719 --> 00:38:55,319
Speaker 5: to you know, my country. It was just all these

809
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:58,600
Speaker 5: new beginnings and it was in just such a positive light.

810
00:38:58,719 --> 00:39:02,040
Speaker 5: So I remember sitting there with him and I was

811
00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:04,120
Speaker 5: going on and on and on and saying to Liam

812
00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:08,120
Speaker 5: how much I love him, and he laughed and he

813
00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:11,560
Speaker 5: interrupted me and he just said, Kate, like you're going

814
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:13,600
Speaker 5: to miss your flight. Your car's in the driveway. You're

815
00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:15,759
Speaker 5: acting like this is the last time you're ever going

816
00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:16,439
Speaker 5: to see me again.

817
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:18,399
Speaker 1: Wow. I just laughed back.

818
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:21,920
Speaker 3: I was just like, I know, I'm being silly. I

819
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:23,439
Speaker 3: need to get in the car. I can't miss my flight.

820
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:26,680
Speaker 5: Just to even look back in time and just know

821
00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:30,160
Speaker 5: that really was the last, the last time I was

822
00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:34,160
Speaker 5: able to see him again, is just so chilling. But

823
00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:37,840
Speaker 5: in a way, I think that the way that we

824
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:40,400
Speaker 5: said goodbye to each other, I'm so blessed. And this

825
00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:42,080
Speaker 5: is where I get that piece from it, that it

826
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:46,480
Speaker 5: was that heartfelt beautiful. I didn't know of it, but

827
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 5: obviously our last goodbye. I wouldn't have wanted it to

828
00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:53,400
Speaker 5: be any differently if it was just if I just

829
00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:55,279
Speaker 5: said all right, i'll see you in a couple of days,

830
00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:59,160
Speaker 5: like love you. I'm so glad that we had that

831
00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:01,759
Speaker 5: last beautiful moment together and shared that.

832
00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:03,880
Speaker 1: I can see how much you're holding back and how

833
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:07,040
Speaker 1: hard this is for you. Just you know, I think

834
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:10,520
Speaker 1: when people lose people and you know, are family members sick,

835
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:15,560
Speaker 1: there's a it's never easy, ever, but there's a preparation.

836
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:20,440
Speaker 1: There's there's time to process with a tragic moment like this,

837
00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:24,480
Speaker 1: which you're not expecting at all, and then to have

838
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:28,279
Speaker 1: the shock of it. Did you want to fly to Argentina? Like,

839
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:29,760
Speaker 1: what was even going through your mind?

840
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:33,279
Speaker 5: I think my first thought definitely was yes, to get

841
00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 5: on a flight to Argentina. But then after all my

842
00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:41,120
Speaker 5: friends and my mom came to Florida, I just realized

843
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:44,440
Speaker 5: there would be no point and it's just better to

844
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:47,160
Speaker 5: not be in a like foreign country.

845
00:40:47,200 --> 00:40:49,320
Speaker 3: I don't know anybody in Argentina.

846
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:52,200
Speaker 5: I don't have family or friends there, So just to

847
00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:56,840
Speaker 5: be in a home where I feel comfortable being and

848
00:40:56,960 --> 00:41:00,360
Speaker 5: being surrounded by such a great support system is just

849
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:02,120
Speaker 5: going to be so much better for my mental health.

850
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:03,919
Speaker 5: I knew, of course, if I had to be there,

851
00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:06,360
Speaker 5: I would have been there, but there was almost no

852
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:09,480
Speaker 5: point in me going there. I think obviously being in

853
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,040
Speaker 5: Florida for those couple of days after finding out the

854
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:16,600
Speaker 5: news and then being in England was definitely where I

855
00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:18,400
Speaker 5: needed to be, was being in England.

856
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,680
Speaker 1: I think a lot of us when we lose someone,

857
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:23,600
Speaker 1: When we lose someone, a lot of us focus on

858
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:27,440
Speaker 1: the moment we find out, but we don't often ask

859
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:30,640
Speaker 1: people or how they felt the morning after, because it's

860
00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:33,360
Speaker 1: almost like when you wake up and the news is

861
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:37,600
Speaker 1: still true and you realize it's real, it almost feels heavier.

862
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:40,440
Speaker 1: What was that next day and that next morning.

863
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:45,640
Speaker 5: Like it was a mixture of this numbness where I

864
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:47,719
Speaker 5: didn't sleep at all that night the first night, I

865
00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:50,719
Speaker 5: couldn't sleep at all, I remember, just because of also

866
00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:52,920
Speaker 5: the time difference and obviously England. I was just on

867
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:55,720
Speaker 5: the phone back and forth with a lot of family

868
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:59,400
Speaker 5: and friends in England. My friends who were with me

869
00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 5: stayed up night with me. I don't think any of

870
00:42:01,239 --> 00:42:03,600
Speaker 5: us could sleep. I mean Liam was even you know,

871
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:06,000
Speaker 5: he made such an effort with my friends and they

872
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:07,560
Speaker 5: looked at Liam as a friend as well.

873
00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 3: So we all lost. They lost a friend. I lost

874
00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:11,640
Speaker 3: the love of my life.

875
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:17,360
Speaker 5: I remember one thing my friends immediately they said to

876
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:21,160
Speaker 5: me after obviously the news the first night, they basically

877
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:23,800
Speaker 5: took my phone and deleted social media. They were like,

878
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:26,720
Speaker 5: don't redownload this. You don't want to see anything, because

879
00:42:26,719 --> 00:42:31,160
Speaker 5: there were a lot of images and things that were

880
00:42:31,200 --> 00:42:34,520
Speaker 5: coming out on the web that they were protecting me

881
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:37,440
Speaker 5: that I shouldn't have seen. So I didn't have social

882
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 5: media for a couple of days. Honestly, maybe three days,

883
00:42:40,719 --> 00:42:43,680
Speaker 5: which is no time at all, and I'm ashamed to

884
00:42:43,719 --> 00:42:46,759
Speaker 5: even say that I re downloaded TikTok. I think after

885
00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:49,279
Speaker 5: three days it was everywhere in the media. It was,

886
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:51,520
Speaker 5: you know, I would just scroll on TikTok and it

887
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:55,120
Speaker 5: was my entire video after video Liam and just I

888
00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:58,840
Speaker 5: think the videos of of seeing him happy and with

889
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,759
Speaker 5: a smile and just good memories and good moments made

890
00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:06,160
Speaker 5: me more sad because I realized, like, he's never going

891
00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:09,960
Speaker 5: to smile again, and he's never it's just an end

892
00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:13,840
Speaker 5: to creating any future memories. It was harder for me

893
00:43:13,920 --> 00:43:16,600
Speaker 5: to see those videos. But yeah, the morning after was

894
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:20,000
Speaker 5: just numb. I think with grief it comes in so

895
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:24,440
Speaker 5: many different emotions. I've never lost anybody extremely close to me.

896
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:27,080
Speaker 5: I've never been to a funeral before, and the fact

897
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:29,800
Speaker 5: that I'm twenty five years old in the first funeral

898
00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 5: that I have to attend is my partner's funeral just

899
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:35,440
Speaker 5: still doesn't sit right with me.

900
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:39,440
Speaker 3: And it's just mind boggling to even think that. I

901
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:40,239
Speaker 3: remember what I was.

902
00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:44,120
Speaker 5: Trying on my funeral dress. I remember just trying it on,

903
00:43:44,239 --> 00:43:46,840
Speaker 5: looking in the mirror, and I just remember thinking in

904
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:48,640
Speaker 5: my head, I just started bawling because I was like,

905
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,160
Speaker 5: I was supposed to be trying on my wedding dress.

906
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:53,400
Speaker 5: I wasn't supposed to be wearing a black dress. I

907
00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:55,480
Speaker 5: was supposed to be wearing a white dress. And Lee

908
00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:57,840
Speaker 5: was supposed to be here with me, you know, So

909
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:03,120
Speaker 5: it was really hard to accept this reality of knowing

910
00:44:03,239 --> 00:44:04,280
Speaker 5: he's not here anymore.

911
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:09,880
Speaker 1: I mean, when I'm hearing that, I feel like losing

912
00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:14,799
Speaker 1: someone is hard enough, and then losing someone when they're

913
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:18,160
Speaker 1: in the public eye and they have fans all over

914
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:20,399
Speaker 1: the world, and then when you're every post you see

915
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:24,520
Speaker 1: is about that person and what's happened, it's a different

916
00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:27,919
Speaker 1: thing to deal with. And where everyone knows who thinks

917
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,200
Speaker 1: they know, or knows who that person was, it's a

918
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:33,040
Speaker 1: very different thing to go through. And I find that

919
00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:36,360
Speaker 1: you're not only grieving the loss of someone you loved,

920
00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:39,560
Speaker 1: but you're also grieving the life that you were going

921
00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:42,160
Speaker 1: to build together. It sounds like when you talk about

922
00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:44,960
Speaker 1: getting married, was that something that you both had spoken

923
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:46,880
Speaker 1: about and talked about.

924
00:44:47,120 --> 00:44:49,800
Speaker 5: I mean, for me, I think that most couples, of course,

925
00:44:50,239 --> 00:44:52,360
Speaker 5: why would you be with somebody if you don't expect

926
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:54,480
Speaker 5: to have a future with them. It's something we definitely

927
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:57,600
Speaker 5: spoke about and something that we knew when the time

928
00:44:57,719 --> 00:45:00,320
Speaker 5: was right that we wanted to develop and build this

929
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,759
Speaker 5: life together. And I think we were really on our

930
00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:06,560
Speaker 5: way of doing that by moving to America, getting this

931
00:45:06,719 --> 00:45:10,279
Speaker 5: new house. I was starting to think of buying some

932
00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:13,640
Speaker 5: new decorations and all these things, and you know, having

933
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:15,560
Speaker 5: a dog, and we were just kind of on our

934
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:19,920
Speaker 5: way there. And to have that ripped from you is

935
00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 5: just in one day. I mean, you really never know

936
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:25,440
Speaker 5: what tomorrow will bring, and I think ever since October sixteenth,

937
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:27,560
Speaker 5: I live in a fear of I don't know what

938
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:31,640
Speaker 5: tomorrow will bring ever. But everything just got completely ripped

939
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:34,400
Speaker 5: away from me in that one day.

940
00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:37,560
Speaker 1: I know it hasn't been very long, but what has

941
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:41,879
Speaker 1: helped you with the grieving process over the last few

942
00:45:41,960 --> 00:45:45,240
Speaker 1: months and as you're in that process and journey still,

943
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:48,640
Speaker 1: what's been useful to you? What was helpful to you,

944
00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:51,759
Speaker 1: and what was unhelpful as well, because I think so

945
00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:55,040
Speaker 1: many people listening or watching, whether they've lost someone close

946
00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:57,920
Speaker 1: to them or I think people struggle to know what

947
00:45:58,040 --> 00:46:01,360
Speaker 1: to say, people struggle to know what to do themselves

948
00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:03,799
Speaker 1: when they've lost someone. What worked for you, I.

949
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:05,400
Speaker 5: Think at the end of the day, you need to

950
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:08,680
Speaker 5: listen and trust your heart, because grief comes in so

951
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,759
Speaker 5: many waves, so many different emotions. You're going to wake up,

952
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:13,880
Speaker 5: you're going to feel numb, You're going to wake up,

953
00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:16,520
Speaker 5: you're going to feel sad, you're going to feel angry,

954
00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:18,400
Speaker 5: you're going to feel One day, you're going to wake

955
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:19,800
Speaker 5: up and you're going to laugh, and you're going to

956
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:21,279
Speaker 5: just think of good moments you had, and then you're

957
00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:23,320
Speaker 5: going to find yourself just this laugh turning into this

958
00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:26,960
Speaker 5: hysterical cry. And I think that grief is something that

959
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:31,760
Speaker 5: you never know what to expect, and it hits everybody

960
00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:34,600
Speaker 5: so differently. So I think the best, you know, some

961
00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:39,160
Speaker 5: advice that I would give, just some general advice, would

962
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:41,719
Speaker 5: be to always trust your gut. Some things for me

963
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:46,160
Speaker 5: might not work for other people. I think keeping a

964
00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:50,720
Speaker 5: consistent of course, schedule, routine, and I'm not saying waking

965
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:53,880
Speaker 5: up in the morning from nine am, having a strategic

966
00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:56,439
Speaker 5: plan throughout the day, and then not getting home until

967
00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:58,960
Speaker 5: eight pm. Of course not your mind needs time to

968
00:46:59,080 --> 00:47:02,960
Speaker 5: rest and think. But even just if you take one

969
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:06,919
Speaker 5: activity per day, it could just be walking, baking, going

970
00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:11,040
Speaker 5: to the gym, going to applies class, just any type

971
00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:15,520
Speaker 5: of small thing, it just helps so much with your headspace.

972
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,839
Speaker 5: But I think for me, one thing that really has

973
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:21,320
Speaker 5: helped me so much and that makes me feel so

974
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:23,640
Speaker 5: full of light and love is seeing signs.

975
00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:25,160
Speaker 1: And I.

976
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:30,920
Speaker 5: See so many signs of Lim And I'm such a

977
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:36,120
Speaker 5: believer in signs. I believe in manifesting, and I know

978
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:39,719
Speaker 5: that he's with me and I feel him all the time.

979
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:43,000
Speaker 5: And I remember at first when he passed away, I

980
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:46,160
Speaker 5: didn't feel him for i'd say the first five days.

981
00:47:46,320 --> 00:47:49,040
Speaker 5: And I know that's not a long amount of time,

982
00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:52,520
Speaker 5: but obviously five days when you're not with somebody after

983
00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:54,560
Speaker 5: being with them twenty four to seven, it feels like,

984
00:47:55,320 --> 00:47:59,120
Speaker 5: you know, five years. So I remember getting kind of

985
00:47:59,200 --> 00:48:02,239
Speaker 5: angry and just being like talking to Liam, just saying,

986
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:05,200
Speaker 5: why haven't you shown me any signs? And I remember

987
00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:07,960
Speaker 5: one day it was before I flew out to England.

988
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:10,400
Speaker 5: So I was still in our house in Florida. I

989
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:13,760
Speaker 5: sat on the floor of his closet and I started

990
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:17,080
Speaker 5: crying hysterically, and I was so angry with him. I said,

991
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:19,400
Speaker 5: show me a sign. This is so unfair, like are

992
00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:21,920
Speaker 5: you here with me? Show me a sign? And this

993
00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:24,200
Speaker 5: is a stage of grief that also, I want people

994
00:48:24,239 --> 00:48:26,200
Speaker 5: to know it's okay to be angry, and it's okay

995
00:48:26,239 --> 00:48:28,160
Speaker 5: to cry, and it's okay to say things.

996
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:28,640
Speaker 3: It's okay.

997
00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:30,799
Speaker 5: And I was crying and I was just saying, I'm

998
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:32,440
Speaker 5: so disappointed. I love you so much, but I need

999
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:34,560
Speaker 5: you to show me a sign because I don't feel you.

1000
00:48:35,239 --> 00:48:39,360
Speaker 5: And I remember I went back downstairs and it's just

1001
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,520
Speaker 5: it was such a simple thing, but my friends asked me,

1002
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:44,480
Speaker 5: do you want anything from McDonald's. And at this point

1003
00:48:44,560 --> 00:48:46,520
Speaker 5: it was so hard for me to even hold down food.

1004
00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:50,680
Speaker 5: I was barely eating. And for me, me and Liam,

1005
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:55,160
Speaker 5: we loved McDonald's. It was something that we would probably

1006
00:48:55,239 --> 00:48:57,080
Speaker 5: get like twice a week, which I know is not

1007
00:48:57,200 --> 00:48:59,840
Speaker 5: the healthiest option. It was just a part of like

1008
00:49:00,800 --> 00:49:02,600
Speaker 5: just kind of our childlike things to do, and we

1009
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:04,719
Speaker 5: would always get the happy Meal toy. We always would

1010
00:49:04,760 --> 00:49:07,400
Speaker 5: get the Happy Meal toy. It was always also Liam's

1011
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:09,520
Speaker 5: idea to do that. He was such a kid at

1012
00:49:09,560 --> 00:49:11,120
Speaker 5: heart and he would always get the Happy Meals toy.

1013
00:49:11,719 --> 00:49:14,799
Speaker 5: And I said to my friends, you know what, get

1014
00:49:14,840 --> 00:49:17,040
Speaker 5: me a Kid's mealk. I'm not even hungry. I really

1015
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:18,520
Speaker 5: don't want to eat, but I'll try to. I'll try

1016
00:49:18,560 --> 00:49:19,800
Speaker 5: to eat something, but I just want to see what

1017
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,600
Speaker 5: the happy Meal toy is. I really just want to

1018
00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:24,640
Speaker 5: see what it is. So they came back. They brought

1019
00:49:24,719 --> 00:49:28,759
Speaker 5: me the Happy Meal and it came in this like

1020
00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:31,239
Speaker 5: because it was around Halloween. It came in this trick

1021
00:49:31,280 --> 00:49:35,240
Speaker 5: or treat bin instead of the cardboard McDonald's like happy mailbox.

1022
00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:38,920
Speaker 5: And I remember when they gave it to me. I

1023
00:49:39,080 --> 00:49:41,920
Speaker 5: was I was annoyed because I was like, this is

1024
00:49:41,960 --> 00:49:43,440
Speaker 5: the happy Meal toy. I thought I was going to

1025
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,040
Speaker 5: get like a little cute thing that maybe would have

1026
00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:46,799
Speaker 5: been a symbol of Liam, or something that Liam would

1027
00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:49,200
Speaker 5: have liked, or something like cute that could just make me.

1028
00:49:49,239 --> 00:49:50,000
Speaker 3: Feel a little lifted.

1029
00:49:50,640 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 5: I was just my head was everywhere, just even thinking

1030
00:49:53,239 --> 00:49:56,000
Speaker 5: that I could get any sort of positivity and light

1031
00:49:56,120 --> 00:49:59,000
Speaker 5: from a happy Meal Kid's meal toy. That was just

1032
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:01,080
Speaker 5: where my head's face was and I was so angry.

1033
00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:04,359
Speaker 5: I didn't get any type of toy. I just got

1034
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:07,520
Speaker 5: a trigg or treatment that obviously I'm not quiting trick

1035
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:11,520
Speaker 5: or treating. So then I opened the lid to try

1036
00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:13,239
Speaker 5: to eat some of the food and I noticed there's

1037
00:50:13,280 --> 00:50:15,960
Speaker 5: this maze on the back of the lid, and it

1038
00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:17,880
Speaker 5: was kind of one of those mazes where it's like

1039
00:50:17,920 --> 00:50:20,279
Speaker 5: count how many black cats count, how many ghosts count?

1040
00:50:20,280 --> 00:50:22,759
Speaker 5: How many pumpkins you can find? And I, obviously I

1041
00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:24,279
Speaker 5: didn't try to even do the maze.

1042
00:50:24,320 --> 00:50:24,759
Speaker 3: Why would I?

1043
00:50:25,440 --> 00:50:28,040
Speaker 5: And on the back of it it said the answers

1044
00:50:28,080 --> 00:50:30,200
Speaker 5: in small little letters, so you can, I guess, match

1045
00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:32,680
Speaker 5: it up to see if you won the puzzle. And

1046
00:50:33,320 --> 00:50:36,759
Speaker 5: our angel numbers have always been four, any sequence of four,

1047
00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:39,520
Speaker 5: and the answers on the back of it were four

1048
00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:44,759
Speaker 5: four four, And that was immediately the first sign I

1049
00:50:44,800 --> 00:50:48,880
Speaker 5: got from Liam. And the number four symbolizes guidance and

1050
00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:50,800
Speaker 5: support from your angels. And this has been such a

1051
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:52,840
Speaker 5: big part of our relationship. I mean, he had the

1052
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:56,280
Speaker 5: number four initialed on his finger. I ended up getting

1053
00:50:56,280 --> 00:50:59,000
Speaker 5: it after he passed away, and I think that four

1054
00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:01,719
Speaker 5: was such a part of our every single letter he's

1055
00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:04,640
Speaker 5: written me, he has ended it with your four four four.

1056
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:06,920
Speaker 3: It's just it was always our thing.

1057
00:51:07,400 --> 00:51:09,680
Speaker 5: So the fact that I got these this happy meal

1058
00:51:09,719 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 5: toy and the answer said four for four, that was

1059
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:14,040
Speaker 5: Liam listening to me, and he was giving me a

1060
00:51:14,040 --> 00:51:16,359
Speaker 5: sign saying I know I am here, I am here.

1061
00:51:16,480 --> 00:51:19,000
Speaker 5: You're not alone like I am here, and it made

1062
00:51:19,040 --> 00:51:22,520
Speaker 5: me feel so just my I just lit up. I remember,

1063
00:51:22,600 --> 00:51:25,200
Speaker 5: and I still kept the little map I have folded

1064
00:51:25,280 --> 00:51:26,439
Speaker 5: up and it's in my bedside drawer.

1065
00:51:26,560 --> 00:51:29,000
Speaker 1: And it sounds like you've seen so many other signs

1066
00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:29,759
Speaker 1: off to that as well.

1067
00:51:30,040 --> 00:51:32,320
Speaker 5: Yeah, I have, and I see so many signs. And

1068
00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:35,480
Speaker 5: I came to La obviously to be here. I came

1069
00:51:35,520 --> 00:51:38,920
Speaker 5: to La and I've never been to La with without

1070
00:51:38,960 --> 00:51:41,920
Speaker 5: Liam before. I've only been with Liam. We've went a

1071
00:51:41,960 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 5: handful of times together and we've created so many memories here.

1072
00:51:44,640 --> 00:51:48,040
Speaker 5: And when I landed in La, I felt like part

1073
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:51,880
Speaker 5: of me was missing. I just even getting on the plane,

1074
00:51:52,040 --> 00:51:55,960
Speaker 5: just sitting alone, you know, not next to Liam, just

1075
00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:57,960
Speaker 5: felt so wrong. And I was just still, you know,

1076
00:51:58,320 --> 00:52:01,080
Speaker 5: everything that I do, I miss Liam. I'm thinking of Liam,

1077
00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:04,000
Speaker 5: but being in this city that I love, and I

1078
00:52:04,239 --> 00:52:05,279
Speaker 5: have this connection with La.

1079
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:06,120
Speaker 3: I love it so much.

1080
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:09,359
Speaker 5: Without the person that I love who brought me here

1081
00:52:09,480 --> 00:52:12,360
Speaker 5: and showed me around La and introduced me to this

1082
00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:16,120
Speaker 5: wonderful city, it just felt so empty. And I think

1083
00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:18,759
Speaker 5: on my second or third night here, I mean, my

1084
00:52:18,880 --> 00:52:23,320
Speaker 5: friend went to a basketball game and we were on

1085
00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:25,000
Speaker 5: our way to the basketball game. We were in an

1086
00:52:25,120 --> 00:52:28,880
Speaker 5: uber and everywhere we were just seeing fours everywhere on

1087
00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:32,120
Speaker 5: license plates, we were seeing it on billboards, phone numbers,

1088
00:52:32,160 --> 00:52:34,040
Speaker 5: like on billboard everywhere, just the number four.

1089
00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:37,120
Speaker 3: And then we get into the basketball game.

1090
00:52:37,160 --> 00:52:40,360
Speaker 5: We go into a suite and every suite it's like,

1091
00:52:40,520 --> 00:52:43,120
Speaker 5: I'm assuming decorated differently that's normally how it is. It

1092
00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:45,680
Speaker 5: has like a different type of interior to sign especially

1093
00:52:45,719 --> 00:52:49,600
Speaker 5: at this arena. And we walk in and the wallpaper

1094
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:53,560
Speaker 5: is the exact same wallpaper as me and Liam's bathroom

1095
00:52:53,560 --> 00:52:56,520
Speaker 5: wallpaper in England, and it's so unique. I've never seen

1096
00:52:56,520 --> 00:53:01,400
Speaker 5: a wallpaper like this before. It's lionheads with this floral design.

1097
00:53:01,760 --> 00:53:04,840
Speaker 5: It's something that's not just a color or not this

1098
00:53:05,000 --> 00:53:07,840
Speaker 5: sort of design that you would see shopping for, you know,

1099
00:53:08,200 --> 00:53:11,960
Speaker 5: a painting at TJ Max. It's just this design that

1100
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,280
Speaker 5: I've never seen before moving into this house in London

1101
00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:16,320
Speaker 5: with Liam, and the fact that that was in the suite,

1102
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:18,000
Speaker 5: I immediately that's the first thing.

1103
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:19,920
Speaker 3: I walked into the suite and I just stopped.

1104
00:53:20,040 --> 00:53:22,440
Speaker 5: I turned to my friend and I said, this is

1105
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:24,759
Speaker 5: the same wallpaper that me and Liam had in our

1106
00:53:24,840 --> 00:53:25,880
Speaker 5: bathroom in London.

1107
00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:28,600
Speaker 3: And then we leave the basketball game.

1108
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:30,480
Speaker 5: At this point, it's kind of late and we just

1109
00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:32,160
Speaker 5: want to get some food in us, so we go

1110
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:34,399
Speaker 5: to this quick little restaurant for a bite to eat.

1111
00:53:34,840 --> 00:53:36,239
Speaker 5: We were the only ones in the restaurant because I

1112
00:53:36,239 --> 00:53:38,280
Speaker 5: think their kitchen was about to close within five minutes.

1113
00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 5: We walk into the restaurant and the song that's playing

1114
00:53:42,280 --> 00:53:44,960
Speaker 5: as we're walking in is Night changes by one direction.

1115
00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:47,759
Speaker 5: And the first place my eyes go to is the

1116
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:53,000
Speaker 5: TV screen behind the boots, and it was Liam on

1117
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:55,000
Speaker 5: the screen. They were playing the music video and it

1118
00:53:55,160 --> 00:53:57,960
Speaker 5: was just three signed, three big signs in a row

1119
00:53:58,400 --> 00:54:00,920
Speaker 5: being here in la and I just knew Liam was

1120
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:03,640
Speaker 5: with me that night, and Liam was there at that

1121
00:54:03,680 --> 00:54:06,040
Speaker 5: basketball game with us. Liam was there that night eating

1122
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:08,640
Speaker 5: tacos with us. He was there with us, and seeing

1123
00:54:08,680 --> 00:54:11,440
Speaker 5: those signs make me feel so much more connected and

1124
00:54:11,520 --> 00:54:13,480
Speaker 5: close to him. And that I know he's here and

1125
00:54:13,560 --> 00:54:17,200
Speaker 5: he's listening to me, and he's he's far, but he's

1126
00:54:17,239 --> 00:54:17,719
Speaker 5: not too far.

1127
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:21,040
Speaker 1: Yeah. I had the pleasure of interviewing Laurea Lyn Jackson,

1128
00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:26,120
Speaker 1: who wrote the book Signs. Yeah, and I loved that book.

1129
00:54:26,160 --> 00:54:30,080
Speaker 1: For anyone who loves learning about signs, loves knowing about signs,

1130
00:54:30,160 --> 00:54:33,239
Speaker 1: that that book is speaking so closely to I don't

1131
00:54:33,239 --> 00:54:35,040
Speaker 1: know if you've ever seen it or ever met Laurea Lynn,

1132
00:54:35,160 --> 00:54:39,319
Speaker 1: but she speaks so beautifully about how all of us

1133
00:54:39,440 --> 00:54:43,359
Speaker 1: have different whether it's numbers, whether it's emblem symbols, things

1134
00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:45,759
Speaker 1: that we can see anywhere that points to us that

1135
00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:49,360
Speaker 1: we're moving in the right direction. And yeah, me and

1136
00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:52,160
Speaker 1: my team have had some pretty crazy experiences when we

1137
00:54:52,239 --> 00:54:54,800
Speaker 1: were preparing for that interview and met her and everything

1138
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:57,640
Speaker 1: else as well, And so thank you for sharing those

1139
00:54:57,800 --> 00:55:00,880
Speaker 1: because it's amazing to see how Liam so alive in

1140
00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:05,040
Speaker 1: your life and so present in your life. And I

1141
00:55:05,080 --> 00:55:08,200
Speaker 1: can imagine that's hard too. I'm curious to know what's

1142
00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:10,239
Speaker 1: been the hardest part of the last few months for you,

1143
00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:14,000
Speaker 1: because as much as it's wonderful to see Liam being

1144
00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:17,279
Speaker 1: present in all these places, I'm sure it's hard as well.

1145
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:20,319
Speaker 5: I think the hardest thing that this has of course

1146
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:24,200
Speaker 5: brought me is this loneliness feeling. And you go from

1147
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:28,239
Speaker 5: being with somebody twenty four to seven to knowing and

1148
00:55:28,360 --> 00:55:30,160
Speaker 5: facing the reality that you're never going to see this

1149
00:55:30,239 --> 00:55:33,279
Speaker 5: person again in this life, and that, for me is

1150
00:55:33,360 --> 00:55:36,359
Speaker 5: something that I still just cannot fully process in my mind.

1151
00:55:36,400 --> 00:55:39,320
Speaker 5: And I think that is always in the back of

1152
00:55:39,360 --> 00:55:42,840
Speaker 5: my mind. I think going places to everything reminds me

1153
00:55:42,880 --> 00:55:46,000
Speaker 5: of Liam. I could be having a specific coffee flavor

1154
00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:48,239
Speaker 5: from Starbucks and I'm just thinking, Oh, Liam, love this

1155
00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:50,759
Speaker 5: coffee I bring. You know, I bring up Liam in

1156
00:55:50,800 --> 00:55:54,759
Speaker 5: almost every conversation I have because everything reminds me of him,

1157
00:55:54,760 --> 00:55:56,200
Speaker 5: and at the end of the day, I'm thinking about

1158
00:55:56,280 --> 00:55:58,880
Speaker 5: him every second of every single day. I could be

1159
00:55:59,160 --> 00:56:01,880
Speaker 5: having a full converse, full bow in conversation with somebody

1160
00:56:02,080 --> 00:56:07,759
Speaker 5: about something completely off topic, something just completely not involving me,

1161
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:09,759
Speaker 5: involving Liam, and always in the back.

1162
00:56:09,680 --> 00:56:11,680
Speaker 3: Of my head, I'm just thinking Liam, Liam, Liam.

1163
00:56:12,239 --> 00:56:14,479
Speaker 5: And then even some of the things that I don't

1164
00:56:14,560 --> 00:56:17,520
Speaker 5: connect with with Liam, things that we haven't done, memories

1165
00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,239
Speaker 5: that we haven't made yet, or moments that we haven't

1166
00:56:19,239 --> 00:56:22,440
Speaker 5: shared together remind me of him, because I'll think to myself,

1167
00:56:22,719 --> 00:56:24,880
Speaker 5: Liam would have loved this, or I wish Liam was

1168
00:56:24,880 --> 00:56:26,919
Speaker 5: able to experience this, or I wish we were able

1169
00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:29,920
Speaker 5: to try this together. So everything reminds me of him

1170
00:56:29,960 --> 00:56:30,719
Speaker 5: in one way or another.

1171
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:33,960
Speaker 1: You know, I think we often think of grief as

1172
00:56:34,280 --> 00:56:38,200
Speaker 1: a almost as if we're waiting to wake up one

1173
00:56:38,280 --> 00:56:41,920
Speaker 1: day and we don't feel what we felt anymore. And

1174
00:56:42,080 --> 00:56:46,479
Speaker 1: that's for anyone who's tried to grieve knows that's not true,

1175
00:56:46,520 --> 00:56:49,640
Speaker 1: and it doesn't happen like that, And it's almost like

1176
00:56:49,719 --> 00:56:52,080
Speaker 1: this very day to day thing. Day to day we

1177
00:56:52,160 --> 00:56:55,880
Speaker 1: can feel different things, feel different emotions. One day, we

1178
00:56:55,920 --> 00:56:57,840
Speaker 1: can be an absolute wreck. One day we can speak

1179
00:56:57,920 --> 00:57:02,359
Speaker 1: with love about person that we've lost. What's been helping

1180
00:57:02,440 --> 00:57:03,120
Speaker 1: you day today.

1181
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:06,640
Speaker 5: One thing that really helps me day to day is

1182
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:10,840
Speaker 5: reading letters that Liam's left me, And I think in

1183
00:57:10,920 --> 00:57:15,279
Speaker 5: today's generation it's not as common to leave letters. And

1184
00:57:15,600 --> 00:57:18,280
Speaker 5: I'm not talking just about birthday letters, a birthday card

1185
00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:22,200
Speaker 5: or a Christmas card, just letters that our heart felt

1186
00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:25,600
Speaker 5: and that in the moment you want to surprise and

1187
00:57:25,680 --> 00:57:28,640
Speaker 5: leave your loved one this letter. And throughout me and

1188
00:57:28,640 --> 00:57:31,280
Speaker 5: Liam's relationship, he has written me I mean, he was

1189
00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:34,320
Speaker 5: a songwriter. He was so good with his words. He

1190
00:57:34,400 --> 00:57:36,360
Speaker 5: was almost like a poet in a way. And one

1191
00:57:36,400 --> 00:57:39,040
Speaker 5: of his love languages was to put his thoughts and

1192
00:57:39,120 --> 00:57:42,560
Speaker 5: words on paper. And he would leave me these notes

1193
00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:45,800
Speaker 5: all around the house. And I have every single note

1194
00:57:45,840 --> 00:57:47,920
Speaker 5: that he's left me, ever since the very beginning to

1195
00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:50,680
Speaker 5: the very end. And we could be at a diner

1196
00:57:50,720 --> 00:57:52,600
Speaker 5: and he'll write me a small little I love you

1197
00:57:52,680 --> 00:57:54,080
Speaker 5: on a napkin, and I'll fold it up and.

1198
00:57:54,080 --> 00:57:54,720
Speaker 3: Put it in my purse.

1199
00:57:54,760 --> 00:57:58,960
Speaker 5: I keep everything that he's given me, And honestly, if

1200
00:57:59,040 --> 00:58:01,120
Speaker 5: it weren't for these notes, letters that he's written me,

1201
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:04,560
Speaker 5: I don't even know where my head's face would really

1202
00:58:04,600 --> 00:58:07,320
Speaker 5: be at. Because I think when you're reading a letter

1203
00:58:08,080 --> 00:58:11,600
Speaker 5: in somebody else's handwriting you genuinely, when you're reading it

1204
00:58:11,640 --> 00:58:14,320
Speaker 5: to yourself, in your mind, you hear this person, you

1205
00:58:14,440 --> 00:58:17,560
Speaker 5: hear his voice, and it's just this connection that means

1206
00:58:17,640 --> 00:58:21,240
Speaker 5: so much more than something on text or a compliment

1207
00:58:21,280 --> 00:58:23,880
Speaker 5: in person. And that's so important too, of course, but

1208
00:58:24,760 --> 00:58:28,800
Speaker 5: something about just a letter just speaks so much volume.

1209
00:58:29,080 --> 00:58:30,200
Speaker 3: It just means so much.

1210
00:58:30,760 --> 00:58:33,680
Speaker 1: And I believe you brought one of those letters with you.

1211
00:58:33,840 --> 00:58:37,640
Speaker 1: Do it that you talk could share. Yeah, when was

1212
00:58:37,880 --> 00:58:39,240
Speaker 1: this letter written?

1213
00:58:39,680 --> 00:58:42,680
Speaker 5: This letter was more towards the beginning of our relationship.

1214
00:58:43,080 --> 00:58:46,280
Speaker 5: Another part of his love language was to, you know,

1215
00:58:46,400 --> 00:58:50,040
Speaker 5: give gifts and sentimental gifts that would last a lifetime,

1216
00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:52,400
Speaker 5: something that maybe even I could pass down to my

1217
00:58:52,520 --> 00:58:56,400
Speaker 5: future children. And any single gift he's given me has

1218
00:58:56,640 --> 00:58:59,760
Speaker 5: always comes with a card and or a letter. And

1219
00:59:00,280 --> 00:59:05,720
Speaker 5: this letter here says the reason I picked this watch

1220
00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:08,240
Speaker 5: out for you is because it doesn't have any numbers

1221
00:59:08,280 --> 00:59:10,200
Speaker 5: on it, and my love for you is endless.

1222
00:59:11,880 --> 00:59:13,160
Speaker 3: It literally means eternity.

1223
00:59:15,600 --> 00:59:17,800
Speaker 5: So now every time you look down at your wrist,

1224
00:59:18,200 --> 00:59:20,400
Speaker 5: you can no and remember that my love for you

1225
00:59:20,600 --> 00:59:24,040
Speaker 5: is timeless. We have all the time in the world

1226
00:59:24,160 --> 00:59:27,000
Speaker 5: to learn our love language for each other, and I

1227
00:59:27,120 --> 00:59:28,960
Speaker 5: hope and pray that I get this right for you

1228
00:59:29,680 --> 00:59:33,400
Speaker 5: with every tick and every talk this watch makes from

1229
00:59:33,440 --> 00:59:37,400
Speaker 5: this second onwards, I love you with all my heart, Kaitlin,

1230
00:59:37,520 --> 00:59:38,360
Speaker 5: and I won't lose you.

1231
00:59:39,080 --> 00:59:40,040
Speaker 3: You're four four four.

1232
00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:47,520
Speaker 2: Sorry, it's just somethimes reading it out loud, just it's

1233
00:59:47,640 --> 00:59:52,160
Speaker 2: just so hard to process that. It's like we thought

1234
00:59:52,200 --> 00:59:55,040
Speaker 2: we had all this time, and he thought we had

1235
00:59:55,080 --> 01:00:01,640
Speaker 2: all this time, and it was just taken away and

1236
01:00:01,960 --> 01:00:06,320
Speaker 2: it's this is the watch, and it's so it's so special.

1237
01:00:05,960 --> 01:00:08,640
Speaker 5: To me, and I just you know, this is something

1238
01:00:08,720 --> 01:00:12,600
Speaker 5: that I will always everything he's given me, but this

1239
01:00:12,680 --> 01:00:16,120
Speaker 5: watch will always cherish, and especially ever since he's passed away.

1240
01:00:16,120 --> 01:00:19,160
Speaker 5: I read this note so often and I look down

1241
01:00:19,320 --> 01:00:22,600
Speaker 5: and I I just like he he you know, he

1242
01:00:22,720 --> 01:00:25,400
Speaker 5: wants me to look down at my wrist and remember him.

1243
01:00:25,600 --> 01:00:29,120
Speaker 3: And you know it's not in the way that we thought, but.

1244
01:00:29,880 --> 01:00:34,200
Speaker 5: This, this watch is so special, and it's even the

1245
01:00:34,240 --> 01:00:37,640
Speaker 5: way he gave me this watch it was I remember

1246
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:39,440
Speaker 5: he came home one day and he said, I got

1247
01:00:39,480 --> 01:00:42,880
Speaker 5: you a gift and I said, you didn't have to

1248
01:00:43,680 --> 01:00:45,840
Speaker 5: what Okay, Like that's so kind.

1249
01:00:46,040 --> 01:00:46,400
Speaker 2: What is it?

1250
01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:50,920
Speaker 5: And Liam would always bring me gifts, and they weren't

1251
01:00:50,960 --> 01:00:54,880
Speaker 5: always these luxurious items. Sometimes he'd bring me McDonald's happy

1252
01:00:54,920 --> 01:00:56,919
Speaker 5: meal to way that he got earlier that day after work,

1253
01:00:57,080 --> 01:00:59,920
Speaker 5: or can we bring me a coffee or just a

1254
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:03,200
Speaker 5: card or note or flowers. It was always something different,

1255
01:01:04,040 --> 01:01:06,160
Speaker 5: and he said, you're gonna have to go find it.

1256
01:01:06,640 --> 01:01:07,440
Speaker 5: It's in the backyard.

1257
01:01:07,960 --> 01:01:08,840
Speaker 3: And I was like, what do you mean.

1258
01:01:08,880 --> 01:01:10,360
Speaker 5: He was like, I just thought we'd make fun out

1259
01:01:10,360 --> 01:01:12,680
Speaker 5: of it. I want you to remember this gift. So

1260
01:01:13,560 --> 01:01:15,080
Speaker 5: I hit it in the backyard. We're gonna have a

1261
01:01:15,080 --> 01:01:19,120
Speaker 5: scavenger hunt. And I'm just in the backyard, running around everywhere,

1262
01:01:19,200 --> 01:01:23,480
Speaker 5: and he's kind of just saying warmer, colder. And finally

1263
01:01:23,760 --> 01:01:27,440
Speaker 5: I look behind this chair bench thing we had in

1264
01:01:27,480 --> 01:01:31,360
Speaker 5: our backyard, and I see this box and this card

1265
01:01:31,400 --> 01:01:34,120
Speaker 5: on top of it. And every gift he's given me

1266
01:01:34,160 --> 01:01:36,240
Speaker 5: has a story to it, and I think that's something

1267
01:01:36,320 --> 01:01:38,920
Speaker 5: that's so important too, and so important with me too.

1268
01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:41,280
Speaker 5: I have not only these cards that I can read,

1269
01:01:41,360 --> 01:01:45,520
Speaker 5: but these gifts, small or big, doesn't matter that they

1270
01:01:45,600 --> 01:01:47,360
Speaker 5: each have a story and a memory to it. They're

1271
01:01:47,400 --> 01:01:49,320
Speaker 5: not They weren't just given to me like, oh, I

1272
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:51,480
Speaker 5: picked this up today, I thought of you, thought you'd

1273
01:01:51,560 --> 01:01:54,280
Speaker 5: like it. Okay, I'm gonna go shower now. Every single

1274
01:01:54,360 --> 01:01:56,560
Speaker 5: thing he's given me has such a story behind it,

1275
01:01:56,640 --> 01:02:00,320
Speaker 5: and I'll cherish this watch for the rest of my life.

1276
01:02:00,840 --> 01:02:01,800
Speaker 5: And everything's given me.

1277
01:02:02,200 --> 01:02:04,880
Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing that with us and letting us

1278
01:02:04,960 --> 01:02:09,360
Speaker 1: into the beautiful love that you both shared, and also

1279
01:02:09,520 --> 01:02:13,320
Speaker 1: knowing how powerful it is for the people we love

1280
01:02:13,840 --> 01:02:17,640
Speaker 1: and the people that love us to have these memories

1281
01:02:17,720 --> 01:02:20,040
Speaker 1: that we can hold on to so deeply, especially as

1282
01:02:20,120 --> 01:02:22,600
Speaker 1: you said so wonderfully in the form of letters. I

1283
01:02:22,680 --> 01:02:25,360
Speaker 1: think it's such a beautiful message for you to share

1284
01:02:25,400 --> 01:02:28,840
Speaker 1: with everyone that what's helping you day today is these cards,

1285
01:02:28,920 --> 01:02:33,920
Speaker 1: these letters, these moments in time that you've kind of

1286
01:02:34,320 --> 01:02:36,360
Speaker 1: kept as this capsule that you can turn to and

1287
01:02:37,240 --> 01:02:39,640
Speaker 1: experience that love, even if it is challenging, but to

1288
01:02:39,720 --> 01:02:43,840
Speaker 1: reconnect with it and feel closer again to Liam as well.

1289
01:02:43,920 --> 01:02:46,480
Speaker 1: So thank you so much for sharing that with us.

1290
01:02:47,440 --> 01:02:50,240
Speaker 1: As I've been listening to you today, I think you're

1291
01:02:50,280 --> 01:02:56,520
Speaker 1: really brave and courageous to share the journey that you

1292
01:02:56,600 --> 01:02:59,200
Speaker 1: both went on. The journey that you've been on can

1293
01:02:59,280 --> 01:03:04,720
Speaker 1: be very hard with anyone who's beloved by so many

1294
01:03:04,760 --> 01:03:06,880
Speaker 1: people all over the world. Like I said, you know

1295
01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:09,760
Speaker 1: everyone in my life. When we found out the news,

1296
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:13,280
Speaker 1: there were messages being shared and people who didn't know him,

1297
01:03:13,360 --> 01:03:16,680
Speaker 1: So I can't imagine you know, yourself, his family, everyone

1298
01:03:16,680 --> 01:03:19,120
Speaker 1: else who's actually gone through this loss and had to

1299
01:03:19,200 --> 01:03:23,360
Speaker 1: process it publicly as well. What's something that you think

1300
01:03:24,160 --> 01:03:27,439
Speaker 1: this outpouring from the fans. I mean, the response from

1301
01:03:28,120 --> 01:03:30,840
Speaker 1: the online world was so beautiful to see, and it's

1302
01:03:30,880 --> 01:03:34,080
Speaker 1: always this is something that I find so difficult that

1303
01:03:34,920 --> 01:03:39,600
Speaker 1: when people are alive, they rarely get to see how

1304
01:03:39,680 --> 01:03:44,240
Speaker 1: much everyone loves them. And we deal with this back

1305
01:03:44,280 --> 01:03:49,200
Speaker 1: and forth of criticism, challenge, whatever else it may be.

1306
01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:55,560
Speaker 1: And then when we lose someone, we all realize how

1307
01:03:55,600 --> 01:03:57,640
Speaker 1: we actually felt about that person and how they made

1308
01:03:57,680 --> 01:03:59,920
Speaker 1: us feel, and we remember the first time we saw

1309
01:04:00,120 --> 01:04:02,640
Speaker 1: that person on screen, or the first time we met

1310
01:04:02,680 --> 01:04:04,080
Speaker 1: them if we got that, or the first time you

1311
01:04:04,120 --> 01:04:07,000
Speaker 1: went to a concert for someone like Liam, or you

1312
01:04:07,160 --> 01:04:10,000
Speaker 1: start seeing all of these stories and memories pour out.

1313
01:04:10,080 --> 01:04:12,520
Speaker 1: And so when you look at that out pouring, what

1314
01:04:12,560 --> 01:04:14,760
Speaker 1: would you have loved for Liam to have experienced?

1315
01:04:15,080 --> 01:04:17,320
Speaker 5: I think I just would have loved for Liam to

1316
01:04:17,560 --> 01:04:20,120
Speaker 5: know how loved he really was. And I think he

1317
01:04:20,200 --> 01:04:22,880
Speaker 5: knew that to an extent, but with any type of

1318
01:04:22,960 --> 01:04:27,760
Speaker 5: criticism he was receiving, he didn't have that validation of

1319
01:04:27,920 --> 01:04:30,520
Speaker 5: knowing how much of an impact and how much the

1320
01:04:30,560 --> 01:04:33,800
Speaker 5: world loved him and you know loves him, you know

1321
01:04:33,960 --> 01:04:35,760
Speaker 5: still every single day for the rest of his life.

1322
01:04:35,800 --> 01:04:37,880
Speaker 5: I mean, Liam is going to be spoken about forever

1323
01:04:38,440 --> 01:04:41,680
Speaker 5: was He made such a mark on people's lives and

1324
01:04:41,760 --> 01:04:44,320
Speaker 5: impacted so many and I really do wish he was

1325
01:04:44,360 --> 01:04:46,919
Speaker 5: here to see the love and support he's received from

1326
01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:51,360
Speaker 5: everybody worldwide, because it's really nothing but beautiful, and the

1327
01:04:51,640 --> 01:04:55,960
Speaker 5: memorials that people have put together, the tributes, and it's

1328
01:04:56,120 --> 01:05:00,240
Speaker 5: just he deserved it. And as time goes by, going

1329
01:05:00,280 --> 01:05:03,280
Speaker 5: to get this recognition and this love and support, and

1330
01:05:03,480 --> 01:05:07,240
Speaker 5: I couldn't be more proud of him, and I do

1331
01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:09,440
Speaker 5: wish he was here to be able to see the

1332
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:13,920
Speaker 5: tremendous legacy that he's left behind, and it's something he deserves.

1333
01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:15,440
Speaker 3: And I think this is just.

1334
01:05:15,480 --> 01:05:20,280
Speaker 5: Another message to be kind to people, especially online, and

1335
01:05:20,400 --> 01:05:23,520
Speaker 5: it's one thing people weren't always so kind to Liam,

1336
01:05:23,960 --> 01:05:27,920
Speaker 5: and especially like I said before, with so many other celebrities,

1337
01:05:27,920 --> 01:05:32,040
Speaker 5: so many people aren't kind online. But then when something

1338
01:05:32,080 --> 01:05:35,880
Speaker 5: tragic like this happens, everyone turns and everyone just sits

1339
01:05:35,880 --> 01:05:38,600
Speaker 5: there and talks about the good. And he deserves only

1340
01:05:38,680 --> 01:05:41,920
Speaker 5: to be spoken in such a highly positive matter. This

1341
01:05:42,000 --> 01:05:44,160
Speaker 5: should be just a message to just be kind. And

1342
01:05:45,120 --> 01:05:46,400
Speaker 5: you know, we're never going to live in a world

1343
01:05:46,480 --> 01:05:48,560
Speaker 5: where people are always going to be kind. There's always

1344
01:05:48,600 --> 01:05:50,320
Speaker 5: going to be that one out of ten comments or

1345
01:05:50,480 --> 01:05:52,520
Speaker 5: three out of ten comments that are going to be

1346
01:05:52,600 --> 01:05:56,440
Speaker 5: hateful always, and it's something we can't control. But I

1347
01:05:56,520 --> 01:05:59,160
Speaker 5: think the fact that we can't control that, then why

1348
01:05:59,200 --> 01:06:01,400
Speaker 5: are we letting it to us so much. We can't

1349
01:06:01,440 --> 01:06:04,400
Speaker 5: control what people's opinions are, what people think. We can't

1350
01:06:04,400 --> 01:06:07,520
Speaker 5: control it, so there's no point in trying to, you know,

1351
01:06:07,640 --> 01:06:09,960
Speaker 5: in letting that ruin your day.

1352
01:06:10,280 --> 01:06:11,920
Speaker 1: How do you think he would have reacted if he

1353
01:06:12,320 --> 01:06:15,320
Speaker 1: did have a chance to feel and experience the outpouring

1354
01:06:15,360 --> 01:06:15,680
Speaker 1: of love.

1355
01:06:16,040 --> 01:06:18,400
Speaker 5: If he saw all of this, I think he would

1356
01:06:18,480 --> 01:06:22,240
Speaker 5: feel just so grateful and just he would just know

1357
01:06:22,760 --> 01:06:26,880
Speaker 5: that would just be his confirmation of how important he

1358
01:06:27,040 --> 01:06:29,120
Speaker 5: was in this life. And I mean to me he

1359
01:06:29,200 --> 01:06:31,320
Speaker 5: was the most important person in my life. To so many,

1360
01:06:31,440 --> 01:06:35,560
Speaker 5: he was, but he just maybe didn't fully feel that confirmation.

1361
01:06:35,720 --> 01:06:38,200
Speaker 5: I'm not sure, but if he saw this, he would

1362
01:06:38,240 --> 01:06:43,000
Speaker 5: have that confirmation of Wow, I really left this legacy.

1363
01:06:43,240 --> 01:06:45,120
Speaker 5: I impacted so many people's lives. And that's what he

1364
01:06:45,120 --> 01:06:47,040
Speaker 5: would want, and that's he would just be. He would

1365
01:06:47,040 --> 01:06:49,560
Speaker 5: be proud of himself, but he would be right now

1366
01:06:49,600 --> 01:06:52,160
Speaker 5: if he was able to see everything, he'd be so proud.

1367
01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:55,600
Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely. Hearing about him from you has made me

1368
01:06:55,720 --> 01:06:58,800
Speaker 1: appreciate him even more, respect to me even more, and

1369
01:06:59,680 --> 01:07:02,040
Speaker 1: feel so much, you know, love for him through you

1370
01:07:02,880 --> 01:07:05,240
Speaker 1: and through all the beautiful memories and things that I

1371
01:07:05,320 --> 01:07:08,880
Speaker 1: read about when we found out the news. Just to

1372
01:07:09,480 --> 01:07:13,440
Speaker 1: see him being honored and appreciated in that way is

1373
01:07:13,480 --> 01:07:16,960
Speaker 1: really beautiful to see. Whenever we lose someone that's important

1374
01:07:17,000 --> 01:07:20,400
Speaker 1: to us, I feel like we find a new part

1375
01:07:20,440 --> 01:07:23,760
Speaker 1: of ourselves because we lose an old part of ourselves

1376
01:07:23,800 --> 01:07:27,760
Speaker 1: and this part that of course always stays. But for you,

1377
01:07:28,360 --> 01:07:32,000
Speaker 1: what perspectives have changed, what's shifted for you through this

1378
01:07:32,800 --> 01:07:34,960
Speaker 1: journey that you've been on. For him, what's kind of

1379
01:07:35,440 --> 01:07:37,520
Speaker 1: what's a lesson that's kind of risen to the surface.

1380
01:07:37,880 --> 01:07:39,800
Speaker 5: I think, just like you said, I think that when

1381
01:07:39,840 --> 01:07:41,520
Speaker 5: you do lose somebody so close to you, you do

1382
01:07:41,760 --> 01:07:43,640
Speaker 5: lose a part of yourself. And I do feel like

1383
01:07:43,680 --> 01:07:45,800
Speaker 5: I lost half of me. And if Liam were here,

1384
01:07:46,000 --> 01:07:47,880
Speaker 5: he would want me to be strong. He would want

1385
01:07:47,920 --> 01:07:50,480
Speaker 5: me to be brave and do things that make me happy,

1386
01:07:50,600 --> 01:07:53,280
Speaker 5: and do things to honor his legacy and honor his

1387
01:07:53,440 --> 01:07:57,400
Speaker 5: name and to help other people. And I think for me,

1388
01:07:57,560 --> 01:07:59,280
Speaker 5: one of the things I just keep thinking about is

1389
01:08:00,080 --> 01:08:01,840
Speaker 5: what else can I lose in life now? When I

1390
01:08:01,920 --> 01:08:04,120
Speaker 5: already lost the best thing in my life, Like what

1391
01:08:04,280 --> 01:08:06,200
Speaker 5: more is there to lose? Like, how could it get worse?

1392
01:08:06,680 --> 01:08:09,320
Speaker 5: So in my mind it's like take the risk. Do things,

1393
01:08:09,800 --> 01:08:12,480
Speaker 5: be brave, be strong, don't lay in bed all day,

1394
01:08:12,640 --> 01:08:14,840
Speaker 5: get out of bed, live your life. And I have

1395
01:08:15,000 --> 01:08:18,240
Speaker 5: to live my life for Liam because I'm twenty five.

1396
01:08:18,479 --> 01:08:21,519
Speaker 5: He would never want me to be in bed all

1397
01:08:21,600 --> 01:08:24,120
Speaker 5: day depressed, and I have those days. Don't get me wrong,

1398
01:08:24,160 --> 01:08:28,080
Speaker 5: I'm sad all the time, but I'm happy sometimes because

1399
01:08:28,080 --> 01:08:30,280
Speaker 5: I just think about all the memories we have and

1400
01:08:30,360 --> 01:08:31,880
Speaker 5: there was like, there's never going to be a love

1401
01:08:31,920 --> 01:08:34,439
Speaker 5: in my life that Liam was one of a kind.

1402
01:08:35,200 --> 01:08:37,599
Speaker 5: The love that we experienced is going to be one

1403
01:08:37,640 --> 01:08:39,559
Speaker 5: of a kind. I'm never going to experience that type

1404
01:08:39,560 --> 01:08:43,360
Speaker 5: of love again in the future. Whatever is meant for me,

1405
01:08:43,840 --> 01:08:46,240
Speaker 5: it's going to be so different than what I experienced

1406
01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:48,720
Speaker 5: with Limb and it's something that you know, I'm so

1407
01:08:49,360 --> 01:08:51,840
Speaker 5: I wouldn't change any part of it and I don't

1408
01:08:51,880 --> 01:08:55,000
Speaker 5: regret anything, and it's something that it's like out of

1409
01:08:55,040 --> 01:08:57,519
Speaker 5: a movie. And I love him so much and I

1410
01:08:57,640 --> 01:08:59,680
Speaker 5: will continue to for the rest of my life. I

1411
01:08:59,840 --> 01:09:03,760
Speaker 5: just think that for me, just doing things that make

1412
01:09:03,880 --> 01:09:05,639
Speaker 5: me happy and that I know would make him happy,

1413
01:09:05,680 --> 01:09:08,320
Speaker 5: I'm just trying to do those things and be strong

1414
01:09:08,439 --> 01:09:12,080
Speaker 5: and just realize that life's short and take the resks,

1415
01:09:12,360 --> 01:09:17,080
Speaker 5: take the opportunities, do what makes you happy, because you

1416
01:09:17,120 --> 01:09:18,599
Speaker 5: don't have much to lose.

1417
01:09:19,000 --> 01:09:22,320
Speaker 1: Okay, I want to thank you for taking the risk,

1418
01:09:22,479 --> 01:09:25,479
Speaker 1: being so courageous, and hoping that everyone's been listening today

1419
01:09:25,640 --> 01:09:30,720
Speaker 1: has felt through you a deeper sense of love for

1420
01:09:30,800 --> 01:09:33,760
Speaker 1: Liam and the beautiful words you shared about him, which

1421
01:09:33,800 --> 01:09:36,800
Speaker 1: I really do believe honor him. And I really hope

1422
01:09:36,840 --> 01:09:39,720
Speaker 1: for anyone who's listening who's lost someone near and dear

1423
01:09:39,760 --> 01:09:43,000
Speaker 1: to them, someone who's close to them, feels a sense

1424
01:09:43,040 --> 01:09:45,960
Speaker 1: of peace and healing through you sharing your journey of

1425
01:09:46,080 --> 01:09:48,720
Speaker 1: grief and loss and everything that you're still going through.

1426
01:09:49,479 --> 01:09:51,400
Speaker 1: And I think you've left us with some really beautiful

1427
01:09:51,680 --> 01:09:54,880
Speaker 1: reminders that I know I'm going to hold on to

1428
01:09:55,720 --> 01:09:59,679
Speaker 1: of whether that's leaving the people we love letters, whether

1429
01:09:59,760 --> 01:10:03,600
Speaker 1: it making sure that we do what's right for us

1430
01:10:03,720 --> 01:10:06,680
Speaker 1: when we're going through loss, because no one really knows

1431
01:10:06,720 --> 01:10:09,760
Speaker 1: what else we're going through, and ultimately what you're really

1432
01:10:09,840 --> 01:10:12,519
Speaker 1: sharing with all of us that it's the oldest lesson

1433
01:10:12,560 --> 01:10:14,280
Speaker 1: in the world, but it's the one we need again

1434
01:10:14,360 --> 01:10:16,400
Speaker 1: and again and more and more in this world today

1435
01:10:17,080 --> 01:10:19,240
Speaker 1: is that we have no idea what someone's going through.

1436
01:10:20,320 --> 01:10:23,960
Speaker 1: You have no idea what's going on in someone's mind,

1437
01:10:24,080 --> 01:10:28,920
Speaker 1: And it doesn't take anything, and it doesn't cost anything

1438
01:10:29,040 --> 01:10:31,800
Speaker 1: to be kind and to be loving and to be supportive.

1439
01:10:32,560 --> 01:10:38,680
Speaker 1: And I'm walking away from this conversation feeling inspired and

1440
01:10:38,800 --> 01:10:41,360
Speaker 1: touched and close to Lim in a way that I

1441
01:10:41,400 --> 01:10:45,000
Speaker 1: feel grateful that I didn't have the opportunity to before.

1442
01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:48,960
Speaker 3: So thank you so much, genuinely, thank you for having me.

1443
01:10:49,040 --> 01:10:52,599
Speaker 5: And I think opening up and talking about it really

1444
01:10:53,360 --> 01:10:56,519
Speaker 5: really helps me with my grief. This conversation has really

1445
01:10:56,680 --> 01:11:00,120
Speaker 5: just done a lot for me. I feel before talk

1446
01:11:00,160 --> 01:11:02,160
Speaker 5: into this room, it's sometimes hard for me to talk

1447
01:11:02,200 --> 01:11:04,599
Speaker 5: about it, but I think leaving this room, I'm going

1448
01:11:04,640 --> 01:11:08,040
Speaker 5: to feel just addressing the good memories about Liam and

1449
01:11:08,200 --> 01:11:10,880
Speaker 5: just thinking about those putting them out there for it

1450
01:11:11,000 --> 01:11:13,200
Speaker 5: to share with you, to share with your viewers. I

1451
01:11:13,240 --> 01:11:15,360
Speaker 5: think it's just so important and it made me feel

1452
01:11:15,640 --> 01:11:17,479
Speaker 5: so much better. So thank you for having me.

1453
01:11:17,760 --> 01:11:19,880
Speaker 1: I'm glad, no, thank you. That means the world to me.

1454
01:11:19,960 --> 01:11:23,760
Speaker 1: And it's another lesson in that that when someone's ready

1455
01:11:23,800 --> 01:11:26,120
Speaker 1: to talk about it and when they feel comfortable, it

1456
01:11:26,200 --> 01:11:28,599
Speaker 1: can actually help with their healings. So thank you. If

1457
01:11:28,640 --> 01:11:31,920
Speaker 1: you love this episode, you'll love my interview with doctor

1458
01:11:31,960 --> 01:11:36,160
Speaker 1: Gabo Matte on understanding your trauma and how to heal

1459
01:11:36,280 --> 01:11:40,240
Speaker 1: emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. Everything

1460
01:11:40,240 --> 01:11:43,000
Speaker 1: in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree

1461
01:11:43,120 --> 01:11:45,080
Speaker 1: doesn't go over it's hard and thick, does it. It

1462
01:11:45,160 --> 01:11:47,360
Speaker 1: goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.