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Speaker 1: I know I said this before, but I'm gonna say

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Speaker 1: it again. The moment you realize that sex is not

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Speaker 1: about you, you will have the best sex of your life.

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Speaker 2: Dead ass, baby, I can co sign on that one,

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Speaker 2: because it turns out, now that you've unlocked those things,

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Speaker 2: sex is all about me, and I want it to

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Speaker 2: be all about you.

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Speaker 3: Mm hmm, deadass.

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Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoued, and we're the Ellis's.

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Speaker 3: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

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Speaker 4: Voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.

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Speaker 3: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 4: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes.

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Speaker 3: Sir, we are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: Li's most taboo topics, things.

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Speaker 4: Most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

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Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: Were about to take pillow talk to our whole new level.

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Speaker 4: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 3: Story time.

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Speaker 1: All right, So I'm gonna talk to you guys about

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Speaker 1: what I was researching when I was going to get

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Speaker 1: my vasectomy.

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Speaker 3: All right, so don't laugh, don't laugh. What is kind

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Speaker 3: of funny?

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Speaker 4: The big.

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Speaker 3: Yes, fake there is because.

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Speaker 1: Remember the number one thing I was looking at is

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Speaker 1: if my nut was gonna be wartery. Once I found

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Speaker 1: out that my nut was not going to be effected

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Speaker 1: by the vasectomy, then I was focusing on the other

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Speaker 1: things that was not as important to me. The first

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Speaker 1: one was my testosterone level, because there were tons of

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Speaker 1: research and stuff that people saying, oh, your testoterone is

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Speaker 1: gonna dip, this is gonna happen, And I was like,

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Speaker 1: is that really researches, This is opinions that people are

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Speaker 1: saying online. So I was just looking and looking and looking,

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Speaker 1: And while I was looking, I was just finding out

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Speaker 1: that there isn't as much information about the other effects

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Speaker 1: of sex for men. For example, we were talking before

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Speaker 1: we came on camera about oxytocin levels, and we know

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Speaker 1: how oxytocin levels affect children, we know how they affect women,

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Speaker 1: but we're not sure about how they affect men, which

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Speaker 1: made me realize maybe that's the reason why there's still

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Speaker 1: a disconnect is because we're not focusing on the full

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Speaker 1: party here, especially if we're all focusing on each other.

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Speaker 1: How can we haven't put any focus on how oxytocin

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Speaker 1: specifically affects men.

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Speaker 4: Very interesting.

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Speaker 1: Yes, before we introduce our guests, who you guys pretty

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Speaker 1: much know because I talked time on the show.

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Speaker 4: We have to run. We have been the block on

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Speaker 4: my boo.

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Speaker 3: So I think it was about three or four.

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Speaker 4: Years nineteen to be exact, five.

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Speaker 1: Years wow ago was when we had our guests on.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to sing the same song we sang

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Speaker 1: then because it's just so fitting.

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Speaker 5: Let's talk about sex, baby, Let's talk about you and me.

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Speaker 5: Let's talk about all the good things and the bad

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Speaker 5: things that made me. Let's talk about sex. Let's talk

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Speaker 5: about sex.

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Speaker 4: We're gonna die. Let's set people in the crowd.

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Speaker 3: I forgot the rapt.

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Speaker 2: Portion either, but you probably hear that all the time.

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Speaker 2: That's this is so fun.

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Speaker 3: They don't rap like that no more.

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Speaker 4: They make the stallion kind of. Does I feel she

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Speaker 4: gives me nostalgia?

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Speaker 2: She does?

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Speaker 1: She does, matter of fact, she does. Megan, she is

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Speaker 1: you know what she is. She's not a bad performer either.

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Speaker 1: Shout out to meg oh girl.

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Speaker 2: All right, let's pay some bills and we're gonna come

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Speaker 2: back and we're gonna dive in. It's been five years, y'all,

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Speaker 2: a lot has changed about our perspective when it comes

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Speaker 2: to sex. So we can't wait to, you know, debrief

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Speaker 2: with Shannon. Let us know, let her know where we

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Speaker 2: are now with things. All right, So let's pay some

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Speaker 2: bills and we'll be right back.

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Speaker 4: All right, we're back. We want to talk about.

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Speaker 2: This story time Hereval told us about earlier in the show.

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Speaker 2: But before I do that, I know some of you

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Speaker 2: are familiar with our guests today Shan Boo dram or,

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Speaker 2: so I want to push.

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Speaker 4: You for a story because you gave like an information time.

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Speaker 4: What's the story that makes that representative of what you said?

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Speaker 1: Well, the story was that, and it actually goes in

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Speaker 1: line with what we're talking about. I was trying to

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Speaker 1: be of service. I wanted to be of service to

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Speaker 1: my wife. At the time, we had just had our

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Speaker 1: fourth child, and afterwards she got right back on birth

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Speaker 1: control because she had suffered from postpart and pre clamshire.

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Speaker 1: And because she'd suffered from that, the doctor said, you know,

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Speaker 1: you shouldn't get pregnant again because there's a greater chance

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Speaker 1: of you getting pre clamshit during the pregnancy. So she

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Speaker 1: got on birth control, and when she got on birth control,

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Speaker 1: it was like super heavy periods, headaches, everything was, everything

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Speaker 1: was off. And I was I was like, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's been a decade, in about a decade and a half,

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Speaker 1: that she's been on some sort of birth control or

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Speaker 1: giving birth or pregnant.

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Speaker 2: Or postpartum, breastfeeding, all the things right.

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Speaker 1: And I was just like, I think it's I thought

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Speaker 1: at this time, it's a little unfair for me to

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Speaker 1: continue to ask her to do things to her body

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Speaker 1: so that we can enjoy sex. So I was like, yo,

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Speaker 1: we're not having no more kids. She was like, we're done.

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Speaker 1: I was like, we've done. I said, I'm going to

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Speaker 1: go ahead and do my part in this finally.

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Speaker 3: You know. So I wanted to get a vasectomy, but

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Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie.

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Speaker 1: I was concerned about my testosterone levels, and you know,

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Speaker 1: you read stuff online, you speak to people. I spoke

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Speaker 1: to the urologists and it was just like, your testosterone

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Speaker 1: levels will never be affected by vasected me. That is

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Speaker 1: a myth that people think is true, but it's not.

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Speaker 1: And I'm actually a perfect example of that because it's

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Speaker 1: been almost two years and everything about my body has

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Speaker 1: changed and also gotten better with how I also how

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Speaker 1: I approached my diet.

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Speaker 2: I can also attest to the fact that the nut

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Speaker 2: consistency is still the same. It's not watery, selling baby,

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Speaker 2: It's as it should be.

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Speaker 1: Yes, it's still sticky, still sticky, still still thick.

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Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: It's still like a little that little gummy fled, you know,

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Speaker 1: a little gummy and you know it's the same. It's

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Speaker 1: exactly the same. So let y'all know. So, gentlemen, if

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Speaker 1: you're concerned about having running nut, that's not a thing.

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Speaker 3: That's not a thing. So that's what I was. I

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Speaker 3: was always.

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Speaker 1: About trying to find the best answers so that I

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Speaker 1: know I can do this, you know, in an educational way.

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Speaker 3: I never want to just guess. And the story for

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Speaker 3: me was there.

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Speaker 1: Isn't a lot of information about how sex affects men,

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Speaker 1: about how oxytocin the need for sex, Like there's no

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Speaker 1: studies and probably because most men be like I ain't

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Speaker 1: seen enough for no fucking study you know how men

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Speaker 1: are like this is like I'm not doing this. But

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Speaker 1: it also made me realize, how can we expect women

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Speaker 1: to understand what we go through if we're not willing

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Speaker 1: to give the information so that they know, you know.

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Speaker 3: What I'm saying. And I learned a lot of stuff.

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Speaker 3: I learned.

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Speaker 1: I would say ninety percent of what I know about

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Speaker 1: sex from a woman's perspective from you, because I started

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Speaker 1: to say to myself, yes, yes, s yes when.

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Speaker 3: When you came.

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Speaker 4: Because you know all that and a baggagechis.

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Speaker 1: When you came on the show in twenty nineteen, it

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Speaker 1: was like a light bulb. It was like, why have

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Speaker 1: I spent my whole life asking men about how I

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Speaker 1: should try to please my wife?

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Speaker 3: And people do that to me now right, they'll come

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Speaker 3: up to me.

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Speaker 1: I just left Men's con and I met It was

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Speaker 1: about fifteen guys at the dinner, and they all in

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Speaker 1: some sort of way pulled me aside and say, let

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Speaker 1: me ask you a question, man, how do you get

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Speaker 1: your wife too? And I said, it's funny you keep

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Speaker 1: asking me, but I don't have any of the OROGENI

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Speaker 1: zones that she has, so I don't know how to

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Speaker 1: tell you.

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Speaker 3: How about you ask her?

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Speaker 1: But also consult with women, and they're always like, well women,

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Speaker 1: And I said, well, you know, there's a person I

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Speaker 1: follow who gives you direct advice, and you have to

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Speaker 1: choose whether or not you want to listen or not,

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Speaker 1: because sometimes men don't want to.

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Speaker 3: Hear what it is that women have to say about that.

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Speaker 1: I know what I'm doing, but if you really want

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Speaker 1: to know what you're doing, how about you listen. So

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Speaker 1: I've been listening and she's been like, this is different,

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Speaker 1: but I like this. But what's been happening is the

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Speaker 1: reciprocation has been different. That's why I said in the beginning,

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Speaker 1: once you realize that sex isn't about you anymore, that's

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Speaker 1: when you have the best sex from your your life.

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Speaker 1: But I've also kind of got that from you. I

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Speaker 1: can't coin that phrase. I can't coin that phrase, but

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Speaker 1: listening to you has really been what's helped our sex

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Speaker 1: life a lot.

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Speaker 2: And I'm gonna tell you, guys, why she deserves all

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Speaker 2: the accolades. I'm going to give you, like the whole

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Speaker 2: run of who sham whom is? She is a certified

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Speaker 2: sex educator and intimacy expert. Shan is Bumbles sex and

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Speaker 2: relationships expert, the host of the Marriage Pact on the

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Speaker 2: Roku channel. That's just amazing, congrats on that. Congratulated you

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Speaker 2: since the host of the top podcast Lovers and Friends,

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Speaker 2: the workshop facilitator on Netflix Too Hot to Handle, and

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Speaker 2: the author of the best selling book which we also

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Speaker 2: have and we've read a couple.

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Speaker 4: Of times, The Game of the Desire.

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Speaker 2: We have the pleasure of speaking with Shan on the

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Speaker 2: podcast back in twenty nineteen when we were at a

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Speaker 2: different point in our six drive journey or sex journey

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Speaker 2: together which is always evolving. Twenty two years in and

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Speaker 2: now she's back to talk us through what this next

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Speaker 2: chapter is looking like, now that we've implemented some of

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Speaker 2: her ways and tips and tricks and knowledge.

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Speaker 4: Shan, I'm so happy to have you back there, girl. Yes, yeah,

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Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, my head is exploding, just because there's

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Speaker 4: so many things that you're saying that I.

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Speaker 3: Want to get to.

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Speaker 4: Okay, so I do, like, let's put a bookmark on this.

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Speaker 4: I want to talk about the harm that comes with

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Speaker 4: thinking that our bodies are very different, or our rodenus

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Speaker 4: zones are very different, and also Liken that to the

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Speaker 4: same problem that happens where medically we understand a lot

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Speaker 4: about men in certain areas, like we can't get any

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Speaker 4: more information on a rectile dysfunction, I can't any more polls,

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Speaker 4: any solutions, any more studies. But to your point, when

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Speaker 4: it comes to men's need for the cuddle hormone or

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Speaker 4: the impact of the cuddle hormone, the need for intimacy,

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Speaker 4: their desire for other forms of intimacy that can be

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Speaker 4: linked also with brain biology and with physiology, there's nothing

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Speaker 4: on that, so that's also kind of a part of that.

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Speaker 4: And they're like, it's not a problem. I don't even

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Speaker 4: think about it. But because they don't actually want to address

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Speaker 4: unless it's they're going bald or their dick's not getting hard,

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Speaker 4: that they will study all day long.

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Speaker 3: No cap, no cap.

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Speaker 1: When I was looking at stuff for the seconomy, all

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Speaker 1: of those ads kept coming in hair loss and limp dicks,

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Speaker 1: those like I'm looking at research, those ads just kept

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Speaker 1: coming in because that's what men really are concerned about.

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Speaker 1: And then third on that was getting a six pack,

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Speaker 1: like it was that, and then ads like this is.

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Speaker 3: Very long for something.

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Speaker 4: Probably might not ask for your advice on that because

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Speaker 4: you obviously still your woman. Head of hair.

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Speaker 2: The head of hair thing we've been working on, and

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Speaker 2: it came back.

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Speaker 1: My hair actually came back because I was losing a lot.

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Speaker 1: I actually did go to see a doctor about that.

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Speaker 1: I found out that I did not have male pattern baldness.

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Speaker 1: I had stress induced thinning.

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Speaker 3: No, not thinning.

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Speaker 1: What is it called ALOPECI I only got bold right here.

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Speaker 1: And he was just like, dude, if you learn to relax,

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Speaker 1: you might be fine. I was like, I'm an entrepreneur

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Speaker 1: and I'm a dad, and I'm a husband. Relaxing is

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Speaker 1: not part of my thing. So I openly tried a

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Speaker 1: lot of different things. I tried PRP when in twenty

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Speaker 1: nineteen didn't take. I tried PRF in twenty twenty one.

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Speaker 1: I tried what was the other thing I just did recently,

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Speaker 1: the hair follicle thing, and none of those things worked.

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Speaker 3: It was when I decided to change my diet. I

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Speaker 3: cut out.

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Speaker 1: Dairy and people gonna get mad at me. But I

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Speaker 1: meditate and I smoke. Remember when you came in and

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Speaker 1: I was outside. The first thing I do now when

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Speaker 1: I wake up, I go outside. I sit in the sun,

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Speaker 1: twenty minutes away from everyone, and I meditate and I

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Speaker 1: chill because it allows me to create a space for

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Speaker 1: myself where I can just be comfortable and not always

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Speaker 1: be on. I think all of those things changing my diet,

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Speaker 1: cutting out red meat and all this other stuff helped,

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Speaker 1: so it wasn't just one thing, you know. Plus some

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Speaker 1: of those things might have helped, Like I use rag

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Speaker 1: every day too, so you know, so it's like a

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Speaker 1: combination of things that's helped me. It's never just one thing.

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Speaker 1: So's that's my journey when it comes at least the

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Speaker 1: hair loss thing.

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Speaker 4: Okay, this actually tees me up to the bigger compliment

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Speaker 4: that I want to make. Because when we were talking

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Speaker 4: about me coming back, and then yesterday we just chatted

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Speaker 4: briefly about what we're going to talk about, a part

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Speaker 4: of me was like, it's five years and we're still

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Speaker 4: on the same topic. You know, we haven't figured this out.

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Speaker 4: And then I listened to the chapter of the book

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Speaker 4: this morning. Your book is phenomenal. I got to go

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Speaker 4: to the whole thing, but listening to the chapter specifically

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Speaker 4: on doing it and doing it and doing it well,

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Speaker 4: which I'll listen to three more times phenomenal. Thank you

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Speaker 4: such powerful, poignant advice and icky advice, like I love

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Speaker 4: the fact that this is going to It's going to

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Speaker 4: give some people the cringe because the reality is not

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Speaker 4: always the most flowery, most perfect things to say, like

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Speaker 4: the stories that both of you like, there's I gotta

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Speaker 4: show you my book bark. So I listened to audiobooks

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Speaker 4: and book marks and it was like, yes, yes, yes, yes,

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Speaker 4: I love to hear that.

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Speaker 2: And you know, it's funny because Deval has said in

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Speaker 2: the past, within the five years, oh, we haven't done

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Speaker 2: a sex.

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Speaker 4: Episode, and I'm like, what the fuck are we going

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Speaker 4: to talk about again? With sex? Like I'm tired of

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Speaker 4: talking about it.

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Speaker 2: But it's literally like the one thing that when people

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Speaker 2: approach us, like he said, guys come and talk to

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Speaker 2: him about it.

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Speaker 4: It's like, Kadeen, like, how do you keep up?

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Speaker 2: How do you have the time and the drive and

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Speaker 2: the desire to do it three, four or five times

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Speaker 2: a week? Because that's our consistency level. How do I

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Speaker 2: get to that? You know, women feeling like they're they're

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Speaker 2: inadequate or not being able to keep up with their man.

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Speaker 4: So to your point, Shan, whenever we have the sex talk.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, we still talk about this shit like people

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Speaker 4: haven't figured it out, but I really haven't inspiring because

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Speaker 4: it is the number one issue within partnered couples, especially

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Speaker 4: long term partner couples, the disparity and sex drive, and

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Speaker 4: people are looking for a quick fix. Yeah, and you

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Speaker 4: guys are just such a beautiful example of how it's

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Speaker 4: a multi layered, multi approach. It takes individual work, it

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Speaker 4: takes group work, it takes things that are you're going

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Speaker 4: to try that are not going to work, and then

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Speaker 4: in the end you end up with a system that

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Speaker 4: works for the time being, but life is.

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Speaker 3: Lost and it evolves, and it evolves.

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Speaker 1: That's why I told her, I think we should continue

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Speaker 1: to talk about sex because people still ask even though

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Speaker 1: we talked about it. Two nights ago, we had a

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Speaker 1: little bit of an argument. One thing I've learned from

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Speaker 1: you is women need oxytocin. They need to be touched

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Speaker 1: in the health. The other night, my friends were out here,

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Speaker 1: My buddy came by. She was in the room by herself.

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Speaker 1: I said, oh, this is go lay down for a minute.

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Speaker 1: I laid down with her for about thirty minutes until

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Speaker 1: she fell asleep. Didn't ask for no sex, didn't want nothing,

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Speaker 1: didn't rub my heart beat on her back to let

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Speaker 1: her know.

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Speaker 3: No.

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Speaker 1: I made it about her and she came out afterwards

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Speaker 1: She's like, I just feel a little better.

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Speaker 3: I learned that, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: Yes, And remember when Cheto was coming over here and

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Speaker 1: she said, why don't you go out there with Cheetah?

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Speaker 1: I was like, Nah, that goes to one of those

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Speaker 1: things you talk about. Men have to learn that if

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Speaker 1: we want to give to a woman, it's not always

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Speaker 1: giving because I want something in return. I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: cuddle with you now because I want to fuck later.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to cuddle because I know you need that,

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Speaker 1: and when you're good, I'm good.

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Speaker 2: But you know what happens because we cuddled and I

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Speaker 2: felt like considered in that moment. Now it makes me

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Speaker 2: want to fuck you later.

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Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying, that's literally what happening.

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Speaker 4: The circle of life. You know what I'm saying. Reciprocity. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: I want to ask about because we were talking briefly

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Speaker 4: about like what we're going to jump into and there

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Speaker 4: was a clip that I had online that you're like this,

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Speaker 4: you know stuck out to me where I s gave

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Speaker 4: the advice that when it comes to sex frequency, the

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Speaker 4: person who wants it the least determines how much sex

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Speaker 4: you're having. When people are like, what's the magic number

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Speaker 4: for how much a couple should be having sex, I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 4: ask the person who's least interested. There's the number. What

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Speaker 4: are your thoughts about that?

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Speaker 3: Well?

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Speaker 1: My thoughts about that was I I felt like that

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Speaker 1: was one sided and unfair. For this reason is because

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Speaker 1: with anything else in life, there's always compromised. Why with

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Speaker 1: sex is there no compromise? You know, when it comes

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Speaker 1: to things, I want to do what she wants to do.

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Speaker 1: We always try to find a way to meet in

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Speaker 1: the middle. So how come when it comes to sex,

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Speaker 1: it's like, no, we're not going to meet in the middle.

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Speaker 1: We're just gonna do it when I want to do it.

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Speaker 1: That to me just seems unfair. So that was my thoughts.

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Speaker 2: Come, that's what he thought, and to me, I was

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Speaker 2: just like, see this exactly what I was trying to say.

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Speaker 2: Because naturally in the pair, I'm the one who wants

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Speaker 2: it the least. I'm usually satisfied. But my caveat once

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Speaker 2: I learned that. I realized that there's other ways to

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Speaker 2: be intimate and it doesn't always have to be penetration

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Speaker 2: and intercourse. Right, So for a long time, Deva has

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Speaker 2: been saying to me, kay, like, it doesn't have to

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Speaker 2: be intercourse every single time, Like that's asking a lot

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Speaker 2: of you and your body, especially if you don't want it.

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Speaker 2: He said, how about we just do things that are

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Speaker 2: different outside of it. So it can be oral sex.

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Speaker 2: It can be most recently getting some oil, douncing myself

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Speaker 2: in it. He can rub on my breasts, my body

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Speaker 2: while I rub on him, Like, there's so many other

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Speaker 2: ways to satisfy that sexual appetite. And it finally clicked

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Speaker 2: to me after listening to that, I'm like, he really

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Speaker 2: shouldn't have to you know.

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Speaker 4: I don't want to say suffer because that makes it

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Speaker 4: seem like.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, nothing, it's not suffering.

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00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:18,200
Speaker 4: Bad, it's not suffering.

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Speaker 2: But he shouldn't have to go at a deficit because

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Speaker 2: I'm at a deficit. And it made me feel less

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Speaker 2: inadequate because that was something I always used.

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Speaker 4: I just never felt like I.

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Speaker 2: Was enough and that took a hit for me and

396
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,399
Speaker 2: my ego and I was just thinking, like am I

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Speaker 2: not a enough woman for him?

398
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Speaker 4: Am I not enough wife?

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Speaker 2: And he would question sometimes like do you even want

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Speaker 2: to be a wife, because you know, wives are you're

401
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,000
Speaker 2: supposed to satisfy your husband. And I'm thinking the same thing.

402
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Speaker 2: But it kind of put the power back into you know,

403
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,240
Speaker 2: put me in the driver's sept because I was able

404
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,960
Speaker 2: to take control of the situation, let him feel considered,

405
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,879
Speaker 2: and it didn't require something from my body that I

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Speaker 2: didn't want in that moment.

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Speaker 4: I actually think the chapter of your book really could

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Speaker 4: have been called the person who wants it the least

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Speaker 4: controls the frequency, because I think what you did, what

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Speaker 4: the two of you have done so beautifully, is that

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Speaker 4: is like the frame of reference. Because what the goal

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Speaker 4: is isn't for us to have our sexual needs met

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Speaker 4: because we have hands, there's toys, there's multiple things. The

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00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,919
Speaker 4: goal is for us to have a sex life that

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Speaker 4: is mutually satisfying that we're both enthusiastic about that, we're

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00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,280
Speaker 4: both feel like we're getting our needs met, and that

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00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:29,440
Speaker 4: we feel like is in line with our greater priorities.

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Speaker 4: And that goal is way harder to accomplish, then well

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Speaker 4: I'm horny, so let's figure it out. So that's the

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Speaker 4: thing is that there's additional work that comes with that.

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Speaker 4: Compromise is not zero to one hundred. I don't want it,

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Speaker 4: you do, So we compromise and do what you do.

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Speaker 4: What you want. The compromise is, let's look at all

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Speaker 4: the various factors and figure out how our needs can

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Speaker 4: get closer together by us doing the work. Like I

426
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Speaker 4: put a big yes on that part where you're like,

427
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Speaker 4: I had to actually learn our body and research it.

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Speaker 4: And then I love what you said too, because you're like,

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Speaker 4: it kind of sucked, but I don't have to deal

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Speaker 4: with a period. So would I rather learn about a

431
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,240
Speaker 4: period or have to experience it every single month?

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Speaker 1: When I learned about it, it really opened me up,

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Speaker 1: Like I can't as a young man, no one explains

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Speaker 1: to you mentoral cycles at all. You have no idea.

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00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,919
Speaker 1: You go to health class. Health class is half of

436
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:23,280
Speaker 1: a semester in seventh grade. You know what I'm saying,

437
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,600
Speaker 1: Like that's all we did. It was we talked about

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Speaker 1: condoms and STIs, but no one talks you about during

439
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,400
Speaker 1: a menstrual cycle. There could be a ten to fourteen

440
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,639
Speaker 1: day period where women's hormones could be off she could bleed.

441
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,000
Speaker 1: People think it's oh, it's only five days. Some women

442
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,359
Speaker 1: can bleed longer than five days. Some women bleed so

443
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,439
Speaker 1: heavy that they can't leave the house. A lot of

444
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,800
Speaker 1: these things cause different issues outside of just sex, you know,

445
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,760
Speaker 1: issues with self esteem, issues with feeling sexy because you

446
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,320
Speaker 1: don't know how your partner's gonna respond. The more I

447
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,680
Speaker 1: learned about having a mentrual cycle, I was like, dang,

448
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,680
Speaker 1: women deal with a lot every day. She I don't

449
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:58,040
Speaker 1: want to.

450
00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:01,000
Speaker 2: I think you're gonna get to where I think you're going.

451
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:05,520
Speaker 2: Quick story, quick story. We're on vacation, ended up making

452
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,960
Speaker 2: her a public and I get my period and I'm

453
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,840
Speaker 2: there with my husband and my four boys, right So

454
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,080
Speaker 2: being the queen of the castle, you know, I find

455
00:20:13,119 --> 00:20:14,960
Speaker 2: ways to maneuver and try to keep up with them,

456
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,639
Speaker 2: even though I may not be feeling my best. I

457
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,320
Speaker 2: don't want to leave the bed, but I'm on the beach,

458
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,120
Speaker 2: so sacrifice going in the water.

459
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,359
Speaker 4: The boys are like, mommyhy aren't you in the water today?

460
00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:24,879
Speaker 2: And I'm like, because literally day one and two, like

461
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,280
Speaker 2: I can't even wear a tampon, Like it's just I

462
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,239
Speaker 2: just realized too, I have fibroids. I found that out,

463
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,439
Speaker 2: so it's a whole thing. So we're at dinner that

464
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,520
Speaker 2: evening and I'm like, okay, it's day one, but you know,

465
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,040
Speaker 2: I put on my heavy duty front to back pad

466
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,920
Speaker 2: that goes from like my clapical to my shoulder blades.

467
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:41,600
Speaker 2: And we're at dinner and on the beach, and all

468
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,800
Speaker 2: of a sudden it starts raining. And I only be sitting

469
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,840
Speaker 2: at the table for maybe an hour, hour and a half,

470
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,920
Speaker 2: you know, and I stand up. I was wearing like

471
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,040
Speaker 2: a floral print shorts. But I look at the khaki

472
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:57,680
Speaker 2: pad on the chair and I've bled through, So of course,

473
00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:58,920
Speaker 2: super embarrassing moment.

474
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,200
Speaker 4: The boys stay. I look down.

475
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,480
Speaker 2: Devalo looks at me. It's like horror. The waiters are nearby.

476
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,520
Speaker 2: We don't know what the boys see. So I'm like scrambling.

477
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,440
Speaker 2: At this point, the rain is coming down. Deval literally

478
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:15,320
Speaker 2: quickly unties the sides of the cushion, puts it on

479
00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:18,680
Speaker 2: his head, and then runs with me and the boys

480
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:19,720
Speaker 2: back towards shelter.

481
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,600
Speaker 3: The guy. The guy comes with umbrellas, right like, sir,

482
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:23,360
Speaker 3: I have an umbrella.

483
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:27,160
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, get the women to distract them, because

484
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,080
Speaker 1: I don't want them to see the blood on the thing.

485
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:30,680
Speaker 3: I don't want her to be embarrassed.

486
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,240
Speaker 1: I just hut the pillow on my head and then

487
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,439
Speaker 1: I'm like, come on, boys, come And Jackson's like what

488
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:36,000
Speaker 1: is happening?

489
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,480
Speaker 3: Like why why is this so dramatic? It does not

490
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:39,800
Speaker 3: have to beat his dramatic.

491
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,000
Speaker 2: And then we get upstairs and you know, I'm in

492
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,280
Speaker 2: the shower in one room and Devo's with the cushions

493
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,760
Speaker 2: standing in the shower like shampooing it at this point.

494
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,320
Speaker 2: But then I walk in and I see Jackson's with him,

495
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,600
Speaker 2: and I'm like, what's happening? So he goes on to

496
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,160
Speaker 2: then have a conversation with our thirteen year old about

497
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:01,400
Speaker 2: mom's heavy period. At first, I was like super embarrassed

498
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:02,960
Speaker 2: and I was like, why are we having this conversation

499
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:04,040
Speaker 2: with my thirteen year old?

500
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:06,280
Speaker 4: But then Devo I explained to him.

501
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,159
Speaker 1: I said, I was like, you're in you love women, right, Jackson.

502
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,200
Speaker 1: He's like, yeah, Dode, So I said, you're you're gonna

503
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,879
Speaker 1: have a woman. One day, She's gonna have a period.

504
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,399
Speaker 1: There's gonna be a time where she may have her

505
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:20,359
Speaker 1: period in a space where it came inconveniently. You can't

506
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:22,400
Speaker 1: be the Dodos. It's like we'll go figure it out

507
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,520
Speaker 1: or I'm not going to the store to get no paths, Babe,

508
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,040
Speaker 1: how can I help you in this moment? You may

509
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,160
Speaker 1: have to take your jacket, your hoodie or wrapping around

510
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,320
Speaker 1: her waist, like, these are things that may have to happen,

511
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:33,200
Speaker 1: and I don't want you to be grossed.

512
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,160
Speaker 3: Out as a young man.

513
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:38,080
Speaker 1: Say you're fifteen, I've been there before with my girlfriend

514
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:40,919
Speaker 1: and I'm in high school and they're like, oh, so

515
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,480
Speaker 1: and so got her period and she's in the girl's

516
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,920
Speaker 1: bathroom and you know what I'm saying. Everybody said, what

517
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,320
Speaker 1: does that? And no one knows what that means? But

518
00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:51,080
Speaker 1: then people are looking around and then she's embarrassing. I'm like,

519
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,520
Speaker 1: if that's your girlfriend, you got to step in and

520
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,359
Speaker 1: you have to be like, yo, I got this?

521
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,399
Speaker 3: You going? Yo? How can I help in this? What

522
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:58,359
Speaker 3: do you need to get?

523
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,520
Speaker 1: And he was like okay, And then I to him

524
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:04,760
Speaker 1: about K's moods before her period, during and after. So

525
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,720
Speaker 1: now Jackson is like when he sees moms in the

526
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,600
Speaker 1: room with the blanket up and heat and he's just

527
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:12,480
Speaker 1: like he's like she's on a lady Tom and I

528
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:14,240
Speaker 1: was just like yeah, And he's like, is there anything

529
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:15,960
Speaker 1: that I can do? And I'm just like, you know,

530
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,080
Speaker 1: give your mom some space, go and check on and

531
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,960
Speaker 1: maybe give her hugs. So now the youngest boys, they'll

532
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,479
Speaker 1: all go in there and jump on her a little bit,

533
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:23,359
Speaker 1: give a hug, but then.

534
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:24,040
Speaker 3: Give her some space.

535
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:26,800
Speaker 1: But I'm trying to teach them to understand what women

536
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,399
Speaker 1: go through so that it's not a shock when you

537
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,359
Speaker 1: have a girlfriend or when you want to have sex

538
00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:33,719
Speaker 1: with your girlfriend. As seventeen and she's like, well, I'm

539
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:35,440
Speaker 1: on my period, Jack's and you're like.

540
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:41,280
Speaker 3: So, S'm so close, listen you have Well we.

541
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,840
Speaker 4: Were both conversations sooner.

542
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,159
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know to your point, Sham like probably earlier

543
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:46,960
Speaker 2: than seventeen too.

544
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,119
Speaker 3: That's about I say. We were both having sex earl

545
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:49,880
Speaker 3: and seventeen.

546
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,880
Speaker 1: So I'm not going to sit here and play that

547
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,560
Speaker 1: guy you know about just abstinence. At some point they're

548
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,360
Speaker 1: going to have sex. I just want them to learn

549
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,119
Speaker 1: to respect and understand what women are going through so

550
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,600
Speaker 1: that they can help, you know, in the process, but

551
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:07,439
Speaker 1: also just you know, be aware, like don't don't be

552
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,640
Speaker 1: a jackass. Don't say things like I was a jackass

553
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,800
Speaker 1: when I was young. I said things and not knowing,

554
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,760
Speaker 1: like she was pregnant. Why are you acting so crazy?

555
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,920
Speaker 1: My mom was pregnant, had three kids and went to work.

556
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,400
Speaker 1: We't the first women to have a baby, I hated,

557
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,119
Speaker 1: you know, the first person to have a baby. Why

558
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,520
Speaker 1: you act like this? I didn't know better, I had

559
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,680
Speaker 1: no knowledge of what it was. I literally, I'm twenty six.

560
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,280
Speaker 1: Then how the baby? The baby come out? We'd be

561
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,160
Speaker 1: good now we's three of us, That's what I thought.

562
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,440
Speaker 4: And your dad never had those conversations with you, obviously.

563
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:37,040
Speaker 1: You know my dad said to me about sex, you'

564
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:41,560
Speaker 1: having sex? Say yes, you know there's condums in my drawer,

565
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:45,480
Speaker 1: Say yeah, in the bottom right, Say cool? And that

566
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:48,600
Speaker 1: was it. My mom never talked to me about women's

567
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,520
Speaker 1: health ever. Like what my mom ever said to me was,

568
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,199
Speaker 1: this is our bodies and we don't have to do

569
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:58,000
Speaker 1: what you want us to do.

570
00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:58,800
Speaker 3: What does that mean?

571
00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:02,440
Speaker 1: Like, I like, I'm sixteen, I don't know what that means, mom,

572
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,880
Speaker 1: but whatever, you know. So I just want to be

573
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:09,199
Speaker 1: better for my sons so that they can understand, you know, yeah,

574
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:10,240
Speaker 1: can we just clap.

575
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,719
Speaker 3: That was so beautiful. How did that make you feel?

576
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,880
Speaker 2: Oh my god, it made me feel seen, It made

577
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,280
Speaker 2: me feel loved on, It made me feel inspired to

578
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,560
Speaker 2: want to even share more with my boys from a

579
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,400
Speaker 2: female's perspective as well, like it's great to hear from dad, right,

580
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,840
Speaker 2: but that kind of almost gave me the green light

581
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:29,720
Speaker 2: as well too, to say, these conversations need to be

582
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:33,000
Speaker 2: had because similar to the devour my Mom, everything surrounding

583
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,959
Speaker 2: sex and menstruation and all that was just awkward.

584
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,000
Speaker 4: It was like, here's the book. If you have questions,

585
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:37,520
Speaker 4: let me know.

586
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,960
Speaker 2: But I think we're just more open as maybe some

587
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 2: millennial thing, or maybe it's because you know, you know better,

588
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,200
Speaker 2: you do better, or seeing people around us make those

589
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,879
Speaker 2: mistakes growing up that we just want our boys to

590
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,080
Speaker 2: be equipped with like all of the tools.

591
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 1: And there's no knock on our parents like that generation,

592
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,159
Speaker 1: that's how things were done like that. The next generation

593
00:25:58,200 --> 00:25:59,560
Speaker 1: are probably going to look back at us and be

594
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,800
Speaker 1: like y'a to and discuss this, right, and then we'll

595
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,679
Speaker 1: have to do better, but right, And I don't want

596
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:04,440
Speaker 1: to knock my parents.

597
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:05,320
Speaker 3: Yeah they were good.

598
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:07,080
Speaker 2: I mean we turned out pretty all right, So I

599
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 2: think they did, but you know, sometimes not. My mom

600
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,560
Speaker 2: and dad will look like, you guys are talking to

601
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:13,760
Speaker 2: them about what you know did I had talked to

602
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,639
Speaker 2: Jackson about like how to drink whiskey or something, and

603
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:21,040
Speaker 2: my mom was just like, is that a necessary conversation? No, yeah,

604
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 2: it is, because do we want to go out and

605
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,520
Speaker 2: get shit faced at a club because he's drinking all

606
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,200
Speaker 2: the different things? And then no, we want to educate

607
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,719
Speaker 2: them on the things that are taboo so they can

608
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,600
Speaker 2: be equipped to make the right decisions. You know, kids

609
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,560
Speaker 2: are going to fuck up anyway, but at least if

610
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,520
Speaker 2: they have a little something in the back of their

611
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,879
Speaker 2: brain saying, oh shit, Dad didn't warm me about that,

612
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:42,679
Speaker 2: or Mom mentioned this, like, oh it makes more sense.

613
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,920
Speaker 4: I just like, I just couldn't give enough claps and

614
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,480
Speaker 4: snaps and stomps or whatever it takes just to congratulate

615
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,040
Speaker 4: you guys on just how beautiful and open you are.

616
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,480
Speaker 4: And a big part of that is being willing to

617
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,719
Speaker 4: ask for help and being willing to look for solutions.

618
00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:00,280
Speaker 4: And I feel like what you guys have is something

619
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,119
Speaker 4: that I think is really hard to find in relationships,

620
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,600
Speaker 4: and it's really hard to find when we bring sex

621
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:08,720
Speaker 4: into the play, which is unconditional positive regard. Like I

622
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 4: just actually, I think you're a good person. I think

623
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,920
Speaker 4: you're an amazing person. I think you want to satisfy

624
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,120
Speaker 4: my needs. You're an amazing husband, you're an amazing wife.

625
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,520
Speaker 4: And so if we are figure having issues, then we

626
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:20,880
Speaker 4: need to look at this together and start to assess

627
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 4: both of us. Like, I love that you both went

628
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,560
Speaker 4: to somebody to go figure out, and we've got some

629
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,399
Speaker 4: potions and lotions. You went to Google, started looking at stuff,

630
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,840
Speaker 4: You started looking at yourself, So there was this independent

631
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:33,720
Speaker 4: work happening because you're not like, well, my husband is

632
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,720
Speaker 4: the problem or my wife is the problem. It's like

633
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:36,800
Speaker 4: this is the problem.

634
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:37,119
Speaker 3: Right.

635
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,080
Speaker 4: We both acknowledge that this is where it's at. We

636
00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 4: respect where it's at, we understand why it's here, and

637
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,240
Speaker 4: we both reject this as being our norm. And no

638
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,880
Speaker 4: one person is responsible for helping this change to come

639
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 4: to fruition, right, And there's no timeline on it, and

640
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,720
Speaker 4: there was no one single thing that fixed it.

641
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,959
Speaker 3: No, really, there wasn't. The one thing you brought up

642
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:57,240
Speaker 3: was the positive regard.

643
00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:01,119
Speaker 1: One thing I constantly reiterate to Kaden is that I

644
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,440
Speaker 1: know we may have discussions or disagreements, but not at

645
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 1: any point that I ever say, Kadeen, you're doing this

646
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,600
Speaker 1: to me on purpose to make me upset. Right, And

647
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:11,719
Speaker 1: as long as I kept reiterating that to her, it's like,

648
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:14,719
Speaker 1: we're just at a space where we're in different lanes.

649
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,119
Speaker 1: We're just in different lanes. You're not trying to be

650
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:18,679
Speaker 1: in this lane on purpose. I'm not trying to be

651
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,520
Speaker 1: in this lane. We're just in different lanes. So let's

652
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,240
Speaker 1: work at it. And I notice sometimes she needs to

653
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:26,000
Speaker 1: hear that because we have the conversation sometimes and she's

654
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,879
Speaker 1: still a very emotional person and she feels inadequate, and

655
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:31,040
Speaker 1: I'm like, Babe, I'm not saying that you're a demon

656
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:32,879
Speaker 1: and you're doing this on purpose. And I watch her

657
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 1: go okay, because I'm really not, and I'm like.

658
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:36,560
Speaker 2: You're not.

659
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:39,160
Speaker 4: You need to hear that something I do. You're just

660
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,640
Speaker 4: I don't think you're crazy. I don't think you're bad,

661
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:43,720
Speaker 4: I don't think you're a bad mom. I don't think

662
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,600
Speaker 4: you're an idiot. Yeah, we actually need to make sure

663
00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 4: that our partner doesn't feel that.

664
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,120
Speaker 2: So I second, Yeah, it's almost like we're at two

665
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:53,520
Speaker 2: different sides of the ring, right, So to your point, Shan,

666
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,280
Speaker 2: it's like making the necessary steps on each side so

667
00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:58,000
Speaker 2: we can meet in the middle and we can wrestle,

668
00:28:58,160 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 2: you know.

669
00:28:58,760 --> 00:28:59,480
Speaker 4: And I think that's.

670
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:03,240
Speaker 2: Essentially what we are starting to get at, and we're

671
00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:07,320
Speaker 2: really and you think about it. Octoberly, twenty two years

672
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,880
Speaker 2: since we've started dating.

673
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:12,440
Speaker 4: Have you guys not had sex with anybody else for

674
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,120
Speaker 4: twenty two years? Twenty two years?

675
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,440
Speaker 1: No, I had sex with one other person. Oh yeah,

676
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:18,000
Speaker 1: I had sex with one other person.

677
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,560
Speaker 4: All right within our dating within our dating Spanah, what's

678
00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 4: the stretch of like you've been the only person I

679
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:24,760
Speaker 4: e that's me twenty two years.

680
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and for me it's been how many years

681
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 3: we've been married.

682
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:31,920
Speaker 4: Oh we're married fourteen years.

683
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 3: Year, fourteen years, fourteen years older than any other kids.

684
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, So imagine trying to like reinvent yourself and

685
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 2: like grow through it all.

686
00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 4: It's like, what does that look like?

687
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:44,760
Speaker 3: I do want to say this though, and people don't

688
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:45,240
Speaker 3: realize this.

689
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 1: I enjoy sex still after fourteen years. People think, yeah,

690
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,280
Speaker 1: that that's not a thing, Like you still enjoy having

691
00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:54,360
Speaker 1: sex with the same person.

692
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,840
Speaker 2: A right, what's the saying like there's no better pussy

693
00:29:56,840 --> 00:29:57,920
Speaker 2: than new pussy or something like that.

694
00:29:58,040 --> 00:29:59,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the saying.

695
00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:02,040
Speaker 2: But I think the freedom that we have knowing that,

696
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 2: like we're committed and we can literally do anything with

697
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:08,200
Speaker 2: each other. We introduced the toys like Shannon walked in

698
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 2: here with a nice big box of like shrikes. She

699
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 2: came in here like the fairy god sex mother or

700
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 2: sex godmother rather. But I mean, I think there's ways

701
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,760
Speaker 2: that we've been trying to reinvent ourselves and then keep

702
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:21,880
Speaker 2: up with drives and then go through all of the

703
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:26,880
Speaker 2: transitions between workloaths and having children and coming back after

704
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,600
Speaker 2: that like somebody needs to give us a metal.

705
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:32,080
Speaker 4: It's like, oh, I feel like I need to do that.

706
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:32,800
Speaker 3: I know.

707
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 4: I feel like I'm in the host chair now, so

708
00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:36,680
Speaker 4: I'm gonna shut up after this. But no, it's all

709
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,840
Speaker 4: good because some people when they're following your journey period,

710
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:42,120
Speaker 4: there's a million things to follow, and congratulations on all

711
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:44,440
Speaker 4: of it, even in five years, how much you guys

712
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,120
Speaker 4: have grown in your family and then in your personal

713
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 4: endeavors as a unit. The book, all of it is

714
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:52,200
Speaker 4: just so incredible. But if people are like I saw

715
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 4: the viral clip, but three years ago where you were like,

716
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:57,080
Speaker 4: why do women ask for monogamy?

717
00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:59,640
Speaker 1: Yes, we just talked about that with the UH, with

718
00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:02,480
Speaker 1: a Men's con and with Nice and Neat podcasts.

719
00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:03,720
Speaker 3: We literally just talked about that.

720
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,480
Speaker 4: Yeah, So there's that viral clip. There's the discussions you

721
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:09,640
Speaker 4: guys have had around disparities and sex drive. There's probably

722
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:13,000
Speaker 4: been judgment on your end from men, there's been judgment

723
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:16,080
Speaker 4: on your end from women. Update people on like where

724
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:17,320
Speaker 4: you're at on this journey today?

725
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:22,320
Speaker 1: I would say on this journey, we're still on the journey,

726
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 1: but we've matured a lot to understand that I can't

727
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:30,000
Speaker 1: expect I can't expect my partner to know how I

728
00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:34,120
Speaker 1: feel just because she's my partner. I have to eloquently

729
00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:37,360
Speaker 1: articulate how I feel. And when I say eloquently articulate,

730
00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:38,800
Speaker 1: I can't just jump out the window and be like

731
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,560
Speaker 1: what the fuck. I have to find a way to

732
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:43,479
Speaker 1: speak to her in a way that she can receive it,

733
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:46,760
Speaker 1: because a lot of times impact is not always the

734
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,600
Speaker 1: same as intent. Right, I intended to say something, but

735
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 1: the way it impacted you when it didn't land properly,

736
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,640
Speaker 1: So now everything I said and all my intention is lost.

737
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 1: So I've just had to learn, like you know, listen,

738
00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 1: sex is always going to change. Figured something out in

739
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,640
Speaker 1: twenty twenty and it was like, ah, it's fixed. And

740
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:06,200
Speaker 1: in twenty twenty one we get pregnant again, and I

741
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, all of those things that we liked

742
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,080
Speaker 1: and knew that was the norm has changed. What am

743
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:13,720
Speaker 1: I going to fix now? I've also learned to enjoy

744
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,400
Speaker 1: the process of trying to fix it as opposed to

745
00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:18,360
Speaker 1: sitting back and being so mad that we got to

746
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:19,480
Speaker 1: talk about sex again.

747
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:20,000
Speaker 2: Right now?

748
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:22,360
Speaker 3: What's on date nights is yo, what are you? What

749
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:23,280
Speaker 3: are you into now? Like?

750
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:24,920
Speaker 1: What is what is it that you think you want

751
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:29,200
Speaker 1: to try? Differently like consistently dating my wife and being

752
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,440
Speaker 1: interested in how her body's changing, because this woman here

753
00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:35,040
Speaker 1: has not been the same from year to year. And

754
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:37,320
Speaker 1: I've also enjoyed that because it's like it's like a

755
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,240
Speaker 1: different journey. You know how they say there's no pussy

756
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:40,719
Speaker 1: like new pussy. I feel like I get a new

757
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 1: pussy every years changed, you know, it changes, you know,

758
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:49,200
Speaker 1: So I've enjoyed it. It's like a mystery, Like I

759
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:52,120
Speaker 1: love puzzles. I do a Rubics cube every day, so

760
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:53,400
Speaker 1: it's like, this is my Rublescube.

761
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:54,960
Speaker 3: Every day. What do I got to do.

762
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:57,080
Speaker 1: Today to solve this puzzle to unlock it? So they're

763
00:32:57,080 --> 00:32:58,960
Speaker 1: all the sides of the same right, you know. So

764
00:32:59,000 --> 00:32:59,560
Speaker 1: it's been fun.

765
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's been fun, but it's also been.

766
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:08,040
Speaker 2: Eye opening for me because I've realized the power in

767
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:14,920
Speaker 2: really just having calm, controlled discussions about what we require.

768
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:18,200
Speaker 2: You know, something that might have been a green light

769
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,760
Speaker 2: before is now a red light, or some things that

770
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:22,480
Speaker 2: were kind of like I'm teetering on yellow.

771
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:23,920
Speaker 4: It's like said in the book.

772
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:32,480
Speaker 2: I was like, like, what what are we introducing now?

773
00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:34,400
Speaker 2: Maybe look through your little box over there and see

774
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:36,720
Speaker 2: what toys you got. But that was one of the things,

775
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,320
Speaker 2: introducing toys that we were both comfortable with or trying

776
00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:42,240
Speaker 2: something that may have been like I don't know, but

777
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,520
Speaker 2: then it like hit the ball out of the park.

778
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:47,920
Speaker 2: There also used to be issues with having the discussion

779
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:51,320
Speaker 2: about sex, and it would drag and it would drag

780
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:54,480
Speaker 2: into you know, being pissed at each other for the night.

781
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:56,760
Speaker 4: We're sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.

782
00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:59,240
Speaker 2: We wake up in the morning and then we're carrying

783
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 2: that bad energy throughout the day and now it's like

784
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:07,560
Speaker 2: if there is a disconnect, we'll talk about it, we'll

785
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:09,280
Speaker 2: try to figure it out in that moment.

786
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,560
Speaker 4: Then somebody breaks the ice, usually de Velle.

787
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:15,960
Speaker 2: I'll give you your credit for like coming in and

788
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:19,360
Speaker 2: rapping me in the cuddle. Hormone you know, that starts

789
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:21,759
Speaker 2: to kind of brew and then we'll end up having

790
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,879
Speaker 2: a great love making session, or it'll be like poundtown

791
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:28,440
Speaker 2: because like, you fucking annoyed me. You annoyed me, so

792
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,839
Speaker 2: let's just you know, dupe this out and then we're

793
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 2: just laughing at the end of it, like what were

794
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:36,560
Speaker 2: we even arguing about to begin with. So it's the

795
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:41,120
Speaker 2: evolution of what our sex life has been. It's been interesting.

796
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:44,480
Speaker 2: It's been a rollercoaster. Now that I no longer have

797
00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:47,359
Speaker 2: an IUD in me and he's had the visectomy, I'm

798
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:50,000
Speaker 2: seeing how my body is starting to regulate.

799
00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:52,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, I had my hormones level check.

800
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,279
Speaker 2: Hormone levels checked as well too, so they chested my

801
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:58,560
Speaker 2: you know, estrogen, my testosterone. Like those are also things

802
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,200
Speaker 2: that I've looked into because I'm like, if there's supplements

803
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:03,040
Speaker 2: that I need to take or something that can help

804
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:05,759
Speaker 2: me better have control over my body, or if it's

805
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:08,040
Speaker 2: going to help my sex drive, then why not?

806
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:10,080
Speaker 4: Because I'm trying to match homeboy over here. Like you

807
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 4: know what I'm saying. I want him to be ultimately satisfied.

808
00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:15,200
Speaker 4: I just wanted to just quick if you just did

809
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:18,000
Speaker 4: like a visual display of like where you were, if

810
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:21,960
Speaker 4: you're like here on the sex drive barometer before and

811
00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:22,640
Speaker 4: opposite ends.

812
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,200
Speaker 3: Are you like here now? Are you here?

813
00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:27,160
Speaker 1: If if I had to say, like say, for example,

814
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,040
Speaker 1: before when it was like optit zero, before it was

815
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 1: like ten and zero, and then after we got off

816
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:36,640
Speaker 1: of the birth control, it was more like ten to

817
00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:40,000
Speaker 1: three once I got to vasectomy and she wasn't concerned

818
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:41,040
Speaker 1: about getting pregnant.

819
00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:43,719
Speaker 3: Now it's more like seven to ten.

820
00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:46,520
Speaker 1: I guess it's closer now, like and before when it

821
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:47,799
Speaker 1: was just like I don't know she's going to be

822
00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:48,799
Speaker 1: into it today.

823
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:50,399
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's always into it now yeah.

824
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:55,360
Speaker 2: And sometimes I'll go in with the expectation I should say, like, Okay,

825
00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:58,440
Speaker 2: tonight's about him, so I'm gonna jerk him off, I'm

826
00:35:58,480 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 2: gonna give him head.

827
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:00,480
Speaker 4: I'm shouldn't be it's him.

828
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:02,920
Speaker 2: But in the middle of that, even I may not

829
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,799
Speaker 2: even be thinking about sex, I'm like this is just

830
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:09,160
Speaker 2: for him, but seeing how he reacts to me, I'd

831
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:11,080
Speaker 2: be like, you know what, let me do that thing

832
00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:11,720
Speaker 2: and real quick.

833
00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:12,880
Speaker 4: Because I end up wanting it.

834
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,120
Speaker 3: And that's why I suspect.

835
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:15,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, before it.

836
00:36:16,239 --> 00:36:18,640
Speaker 1: Used to be I'm gonna do this, but I'm just

837
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:20,840
Speaker 1: going I'm gonna roll my eyes, I'm gonna you know,

838
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:22,880
Speaker 1: I'm gonna suck my teeth. You get your nunt right.

839
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:24,360
Speaker 1: You said you want it to nothing. I'm nothing like,

840
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:25,880
Speaker 1: don't make this a thing, and I'm like, dang, this

841
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:28,200
Speaker 1: is not I'm not enjoying this right, But now a

842
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,040
Speaker 1: lot of times it's just like baby, I just want

843
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 1: to jerk you off. I just want to give your head.

844
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:33,400
Speaker 1: So now I'm sitting back and enjoying the head. And

845
00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:35,319
Speaker 1: then she stands up. I'm like what happened and she's like, well,

846
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:37,719
Speaker 1: you know, I'm like all right, well let's go. You know,

847
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:39,759
Speaker 1: it's like, all right, I didn't expect you to want

848
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:41,560
Speaker 1: it because we've done it two nights in the row.

849
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,640
Speaker 1: The third night, I automatically know, like typically she's going

850
00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:46,759
Speaker 1: through something, either she's sore or she's like, babe, I'm

851
00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:50,160
Speaker 1: just I'm good. Now She like, nah, I want something

852
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:52,640
Speaker 1: that was never the case before. So I would say

853
00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:53,440
Speaker 1: ten to seven.

854
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:57,040
Speaker 4: You know, ten and seven, that's crazy from zero from zero,

855
00:36:57,360 --> 00:37:01,680
Speaker 4: it's gonna jump from like four to seven, said astronomical jump.

856
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:03,480
Speaker 3: Jan, It's a complete complete change.

857
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,239
Speaker 1: But but will I will say to something that you

858
00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:06,839
Speaker 1: spoke about, and I wanted to ask you this too,

859
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:14,719
Speaker 1: oxytoastin and testosterone. We never discuss like how men get

860
00:37:14,719 --> 00:37:15,520
Speaker 1: affected by that?

861
00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:16,399
Speaker 3: Why is that?

862
00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:19,440
Speaker 4: Can I just want I just want to jump back

863
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:21,040
Speaker 4: to the sex talk thing and then we go right

864
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:22,920
Speaker 4: into this it comes afterwards, and feel free to cut

865
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:24,359
Speaker 4: me out here, But I just wanted to say, because

866
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:26,360
Speaker 4: just going back to that comment of who wants it

867
00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:29,800
Speaker 4: the least determines how much sex you have, I feel

868
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:32,200
Speaker 4: like when you're at that place of ten and zero,

869
00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:34,879
Speaker 4: the first step is to do what you guys did,

870
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:38,560
Speaker 4: which is the hard individual work of really asking yourself,

871
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:41,200
Speaker 4: like why is my drive low? Talking to a doctor,

872
00:37:41,239 --> 00:37:44,560
Speaker 4: talking to friends, really assessing what your own levels are,

873
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,560
Speaker 4: getting a baseline understanding of like why am I at

874
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,160
Speaker 4: where I'm at today, and then at that point you

875
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,520
Speaker 4: could start to come up with some solutions for it. Okay,

876
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:54,160
Speaker 4: here's what my turn on triggers are here's what I

877
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:56,520
Speaker 4: feel like anymore of in the relationship, more in the bedroom,

878
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,120
Speaker 4: more when it comes to my health. Like those, you

879
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:01,319
Speaker 4: can start to do the tr trial period and then

880
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 4: once you have that information. Because I love what you

881
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:05,480
Speaker 4: guys are talking about right now, which really speaks to

882
00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:09,000
Speaker 4: something people need to understand about sex drives, specifically in

883
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,239
Speaker 4: longer term relationships, is there's not just one kind of

884
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:15,960
Speaker 4: desire anymore, and the media really places one kind of

885
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:19,120
Speaker 4: desire on a pedestal as the only legitimate desire, and

886
00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:22,840
Speaker 4: that spontaneous desire where I just naturally want it.

887
00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:23,960
Speaker 3: I look at you.

888
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:25,960
Speaker 4: You talked about in the book, that like feeling of

889
00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:28,399
Speaker 4: we weren't even planning it, but my body just took over.

890
00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:32,120
Speaker 4: And there's something really beautiful about spontaneous desire. But doesn't

891
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:34,279
Speaker 4: discount the fact that majority of people in long term

892
00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:36,920
Speaker 4: relationships won't feel that anymore. And there's actually a good

893
00:38:36,920 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 4: scientific reason why you can't. Oh really, because and I

894
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:43,360
Speaker 4: love this fact. This is from Helen Fisher. She said,

895
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:47,080
Speaker 4: she's a neuro biologist that if people continue to feel

896
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:50,840
Speaker 4: that rush every time their partner past, that like butterflies

897
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:53,960
Speaker 4: in your stomach, your pupils dilate, your heart quickens, your

898
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:57,200
Speaker 4: lips rush with blood, your genitals rush with blood. That

899
00:38:57,239 --> 00:38:59,480
Speaker 4: process is actually really stressful on the body, so it

900
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:03,120
Speaker 4: would shorten your life expectancy. It damages tissue, it causes

901
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:04,040
Speaker 4: a cortisol spider.

902
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,319
Speaker 3: So there's literally a reason why the.

903
00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:10,000
Speaker 4: Base you guys, you work together, you parent together, and

904
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:14,399
Speaker 4: you're experiencing continuous, spontaneous desire. It's almost like being back

905
00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:16,000
Speaker 4: in middle school where you're like, why do I have

906
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:18,280
Speaker 4: a boner during this religion class?

907
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:18,640
Speaker 2: Right?

908
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:20,440
Speaker 3: This is not the time?

909
00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:21,600
Speaker 2: Right? Right?

910
00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:22,880
Speaker 4: Does that make sense? Though?

911
00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:24,040
Speaker 3: Not so good.

912
00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 4: Because and you have experienced what's called responsive desire, and

913
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:32,560
Speaker 4: that means okay, once we're actually engaged in the act,

914
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:36,680
Speaker 4: maybe five minutes in, sometimes responsive desire does not kick in.

915
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:39,680
Speaker 4: I don't really feel like reciprocating, but sometimes mid ten

916
00:39:39,719 --> 00:39:42,040
Speaker 4: minutes in, that's my body is like, okay, now I'm

917
00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:44,360
Speaker 4: starting to turn on the rest of those systems that

918
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:47,040
Speaker 4: get me into a state of arousal and of reciprocally

919
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:48,960
Speaker 4: wanting it, which should always be the goal.

920
00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:53,600
Speaker 1: See see once again the scientific facts. As a man,

921
00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:58,320
Speaker 1: when your wife doesn't desire you the same way, spontaneously

922
00:39:58,640 --> 00:40:00,919
Speaker 1: you feel like something's wrong with you.

923
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 3: I've asked K before, like, yo, is it me?

924
00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:06,680
Speaker 1: Because when we was in college, like the minute I

925
00:40:06,719 --> 00:40:09,279
Speaker 1: walk in the room, you like, and then we just

926
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:09,799
Speaker 1: at each other.

927
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:11,160
Speaker 3: But now it's like, what is it? She's like, I

928
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:11,560
Speaker 3: don't know.

929
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,480
Speaker 1: Now to understand that there's actually a scientific reason as

930
00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:17,440
Speaker 1: to why people's bodies changed like that, it makes me

931
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,400
Speaker 1: feel like, oh, I understand.

932
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's not internalizing anymore. He's like, should I grow

933
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:23,960
Speaker 2: the beard back? You know? Yo?

934
00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:25,760
Speaker 4: I did I lose like two ads?

935
00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:26,440
Speaker 2: You know.

936
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:28,120
Speaker 4: She wants me to be leaner. Do you want me

937
00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:28,960
Speaker 4: to be bigger?

938
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:32,160
Speaker 2: And I was just like no, I'm still attracted to you,

939
00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:34,319
Speaker 2: like you're the guy for me, Like you're my You're

940
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:35,919
Speaker 2: my dream, You're everything come true.

941
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:40,480
Speaker 1: But I just but I sometimes I don't think women

942
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:44,080
Speaker 1: understand what men go through. I still get a boner

943
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:47,120
Speaker 1: when she walking a room, yes on everything, Like she

944
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:49,640
Speaker 1: walked out. I was outside, she walked down this green

945
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:51,680
Speaker 1: thing and the minute she turned around, it was like

946
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:56,000
Speaker 1: she walked back inside. I was like, I was like,

947
00:40:57,440 --> 00:40:59,680
Speaker 1: I was like, gosh, I gotta get this down before.

948
00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:01,719
Speaker 3: I walk back. I guess and she'll tell you.

949
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:04,680
Speaker 1: We'll be out somewhere about to do an interview and

950
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:06,319
Speaker 1: she'll be like whispering to me to say something.

951
00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:07,640
Speaker 3: I'll look at her, She's like what, and I'm like

952
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:09,480
Speaker 3: I can't stand up, and she'd.

953
00:41:09,360 --> 00:41:12,880
Speaker 1: Like the bath and I'm like, I literally did not

954
00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:15,600
Speaker 1: ask for this, Like I was not asking for this.

955
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:17,960
Speaker 1: And sometimes I feel like she looks at me like

956
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:19,800
Speaker 1: what is wrong with you? And I'm like, my body

957
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,000
Speaker 1: just responding to you.

958
00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:23,640
Speaker 2: I'm not I feel like okay, because I'm not like

959
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:25,719
Speaker 2: dripping wet every time I see you, like is there

960
00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:28,040
Speaker 2: something wrong with me now? So I'm always in this

961
00:41:28,160 --> 00:41:31,160
Speaker 2: constant like raised to keep up with him and then

962
00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:35,400
Speaker 2: questioning like why can't get there or why require.

963
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:35,840
Speaker 4: A little bit more?

964
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:36,279
Speaker 2: You know?

965
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:38,040
Speaker 4: Do you know what's interesting? Kind of not on topic,

966
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:40,640
Speaker 4: but kind of on topic. But Sarah Perell, whom do

967
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:44,000
Speaker 4: you guys follow, so phenomenal. She's in the white world,

968
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:46,000
Speaker 4: but she's the queen of the white world when it

969
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:49,840
Speaker 4: comes to sex and relationships. And she said that based

970
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:51,880
Speaker 4: only there was an anecdotal study of her practice or

971
00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:55,759
Speaker 4: an actual study, that women are turned on by men

972
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,320
Speaker 4: who are great fathers, but doesn't work there the way around.

973
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,400
Speaker 4: So you're talking about the ways the times that she

974
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:04,120
Speaker 4: turns you on, but like you might desire him deeply,

975
00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:06,840
Speaker 4: but in times that are not necessarily sexual.

976
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:09,799
Speaker 3: No, that's true. That's that's that's very true. True.

977
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:12,400
Speaker 1: A lot of women say this and we don't want

978
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:14,200
Speaker 1: to hear it when they say stuff like you know,

979
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:17,680
Speaker 1: you know what turns me on doing the laundry, picking

980
00:42:17,719 --> 00:42:19,960
Speaker 1: the kids up the school, and you just want me

981
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:20,640
Speaker 1: to do chores.

982
00:42:20,719 --> 00:42:21,279
Speaker 3: No, it's true.

983
00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:23,640
Speaker 2: Here the shirt off changing some white balls outside the

984
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:24,080
Speaker 2: other day, and.

985
00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:26,080
Speaker 3: I was just like okay, and I'm like, the.

986
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:28,040
Speaker 4: Shirt off, playing it all with the kids. No, it

987
00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:30,640
Speaker 4: was like the kids holding the ladder and like holding.

988
00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:32,759
Speaker 2: Like I'm looking at him with like four boys like

989
00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:35,640
Speaker 2: around him, and I'm just like, I just love that.

990
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:38,440
Speaker 4: You know that that don't work for me.

991
00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:40,359
Speaker 1: For me, she'd be having one kid on her head,

992
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:43,399
Speaker 1: but another kid is toes everywhere, and I'm like, yo,

993
00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:47,799
Speaker 1: you gotta put them kids asleep. But it's also understanding

994
00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:50,399
Speaker 1: how that works, so you don't judge your partner. That's

995
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:52,560
Speaker 1: what I want people to understand when they watch this.

996
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:55,880
Speaker 1: Also understand like it's twenty two years we figured it

997
00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:57,560
Speaker 1: out in twenty twenty how to get Better, But that

998
00:42:57,560 --> 00:42:59,880
Speaker 1: didn't mean we figured all things out. We never stopped

999
00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:02,759
Speaker 1: the practice of trying to figure it out. People automatically

1000
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:05,480
Speaker 1: assume even when I spoke to the gentleman from Nice

1001
00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:07,960
Speaker 1: and Knee podcasts, how did you get here? And when

1002
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,520
Speaker 1: I tell them that we're still working on it, they're

1003
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:17,480
Speaker 1: just like.

1004
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:15,680
Speaker 4: That, at what point do you figure it out and

1005
00:43:15,719 --> 00:43:17,360
Speaker 4: then off into the sunset?

1006
00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:20,319
Speaker 2: There's no moment figure it out and ride off into

1007
00:43:20,360 --> 00:43:20,880
Speaker 2: the sunset?

1008
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:21,960
Speaker 4: Is that practical?

1009
00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:22,719
Speaker 3: Yeah?

1010
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:29,040
Speaker 4: The sunset that day the end of the day. You

1011
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:32,040
Speaker 4: can have an amazing day and you figure it out,

1012
00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 4: and then the sun is going to rise.

1013
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 3: It's a new day, and now I gotta start all over. God,

1014
00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:36,719
Speaker 3: I feel you.

1015
00:43:36,719 --> 00:43:39,400
Speaker 4: It's not necessarily like that tight. It can be that

1016
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:42,719
Speaker 4: tight for some people. It's more on their cycle. It's

1017
00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:44,759
Speaker 4: on the phase of life that they're in. It can

1018
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:47,399
Speaker 4: be like just a momentary thing. But yeah, like, yeah,

1019
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:50,120
Speaker 4: you can definitely ride off into the sunset and that's

1020
00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:52,480
Speaker 4: the joy. Like I always think about this as such

1021
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:54,799
Speaker 4: a stupid anecdote, but I'm like, they keep coming out

1022
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:58,760
Speaker 4: with new iPhones. This thing can like set off nuclear bombs?

1023
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:01,560
Speaker 3: What else do we need? Right?

1024
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:00,960
Speaker 2: Right?

1025
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:05,640
Speaker 4: It's an insane gadget, but it's constant. It's the human spirit,

1026
00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:08,520
Speaker 4: it's the joy of humanity. We're always improving, we're always

1027
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:11,719
Speaker 4: looking for more, We're always changes are constant. So why

1028
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:13,600
Speaker 4: would that not apply to your sex life? And then

1029
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:15,799
Speaker 4: why can't that be a positive thing? Why do I

1030
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:18,719
Speaker 4: have to long for the days that I was like

1031
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:21,120
Speaker 4: a team, like those feelings I used to have when

1032
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,120
Speaker 4: the feelings that I have now are so much more

1033
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:26,680
Speaker 4: complex and interesting, and then invite exploration. I was even

1034
00:44:26,680 --> 00:44:29,359
Speaker 4: gonna say that, like sometimes I think about this, going

1035
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:31,720
Speaker 4: back to the point when me at the top of

1036
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:34,279
Speaker 4: you were saying like, well, men have to understand that

1037
00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:36,839
Speaker 4: they don't have the same bodies as women's. They're coming

1038
00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:39,840
Speaker 4: to men for advice, and it's like it's not actually true.

1039
00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:44,760
Speaker 4: Like essentially your penis and cadal I'm sorry, I always

1040
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:50,800
Speaker 4: do is cadals these glitterists is made up of buying

1041
00:44:50,880 --> 00:44:54,440
Speaker 4: large the same parts, the same tissue, right, Yeah, similarly

1042
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:58,440
Speaker 4: to the skins, gland and the prostate your nipples for example,

1043
00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:00,360
Speaker 4: Like me and Jared are flipped on this, like I

1044
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,799
Speaker 4: am like get away and then he was like, bring

1045
00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:05,560
Speaker 4: me all the tongues. I mean the tongues, the vibrators,

1046
00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:08,359
Speaker 4: the clams and everything at once, the ice. And so

1047
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:10,960
Speaker 4: it's not that we're all that different. It's said that

1048
00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:13,920
Speaker 4: men are just not invited to explore. Right, the back

1049
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:15,680
Speaker 4: of your knee might be just as sensitive as an

1050
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:18,479
Speaker 4: erogenous zone, but you're just not even invited to touch

1051
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:20,680
Speaker 4: and play with yourself in that way. And then it

1052
00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:22,799
Speaker 4: feels weird if your partner does it, and maybe it's

1053
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:25,600
Speaker 4: ticklish for the first time, or you don't get the response,

1054
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:28,680
Speaker 4: they never revisited again. So it's not that men are

1055
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:31,680
Speaker 4: our bodies are very different, but your bodies are so

1056
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:34,600
Speaker 4: much less explored, even when we're talking about you know,

1057
00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:38,640
Speaker 4: beyond hair loss and erections, your bodies are just really

1058
00:45:38,680 --> 00:45:42,000
Speaker 4: not explored as much. So in your I guess studies

1059
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:43,000
Speaker 4: or your expert opinion.

1060
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:46,759
Speaker 2: Do you think that there's a deficit in like studies

1061
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:49,879
Speaker 2: of what men require and need and like, how can

1062
00:45:49,960 --> 00:45:52,120
Speaker 2: we facilitate that as women because I don't want for

1063
00:45:52,239 --> 00:45:54,240
Speaker 2: him or which most of the wives that I speak

1064
00:45:54,239 --> 00:45:57,080
Speaker 2: to happily married, but like this is an issue for them.

1065
00:45:57,360 --> 00:45:59,680
Speaker 2: And again, like Deval said, to his point, he feels

1066
00:45:59,719 --> 00:46:02,600
Speaker 2: like some times men are disregarded in their feelings because

1067
00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:04,239
Speaker 2: it's like, all right, well, you're gonna have to deal

1068
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:07,120
Speaker 2: with it. Women, for example, we have PMS or we

1069
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:09,399
Speaker 2: have our period, so it's like it's expected that we're

1070
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:12,359
Speaker 2: going to have those mood swings. It's expected that we're

1071
00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:15,560
Speaker 2: not gonna want things sexually. But should we shun our

1072
00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:19,000
Speaker 2: men for saying I want this more frequently because I

1073
00:46:19,080 --> 00:46:22,040
Speaker 2: require it because biologically or my body needs that.

1074
00:46:22,800 --> 00:46:24,839
Speaker 4: I think there's just more questions to be asked. That's

1075
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:27,160
Speaker 4: all across the board, Like it doesn't start there. I'll

1076
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:29,960
Speaker 4: just give a basic example is on my podcast, I

1077
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:32,719
Speaker 4: had Tenariel, whom you're talking about the stallion as being

1078
00:46:32,719 --> 00:46:35,720
Speaker 4: like same thing. Tennarielle is like six feet tall, huge afro,

1079
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:39,600
Speaker 4: just gorgeous, like body, Addy Audi everything, But she was

1080
00:46:39,640 --> 00:46:43,360
Speaker 4: talking about masturbation for women, like the way that she

1081
00:46:43,480 --> 00:46:46,080
Speaker 4: did it, where it was like a two hour experience,

1082
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:50,280
Speaker 4: slowly touching her head, changing her body, looking at herself

1083
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:53,719
Speaker 4: in the mirror, eye gazing, moving her hands slowly around

1084
00:46:53,760 --> 00:46:56,799
Speaker 4: different parts of her body, dancing around her genitals but

1085
00:46:56,880 --> 00:47:00,960
Speaker 4: not touching, grabbing her own ass jiggling it, massage her feet,

1086
00:47:01,120 --> 00:47:03,520
Speaker 4: and then we're all like okay, yeah, And that's how

1087
00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:05,480
Speaker 4: you learn your body, That's how you communicate with your

1088
00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:08,440
Speaker 4: partner what you like. Through this experience of self exploration,

1089
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:10,520
Speaker 4: you discover like wow, like I didn't know that would

1090
00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:12,520
Speaker 4: feel good for me. It allows you to invite that

1091
00:47:12,520 --> 00:47:15,319
Speaker 4: into the conversation. Now, let's just take out t Nara

1092
00:47:15,360 --> 00:47:19,920
Speaker 4: yell and all her goddessness and insert devout Right.

1093
00:47:20,440 --> 00:47:23,280
Speaker 2: Oh, I can see a baby.

1094
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 4: So I've done things like that for him.

1095
00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:28,040
Speaker 2: So like when he's been away, for example, like he

1096
00:47:28,200 --> 00:47:30,640
Speaker 2: was filming for like two three weeks during Canada for

1097
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:33,319
Speaker 2: like six weeks at a time, and he's like, send

1098
00:47:33,320 --> 00:47:35,400
Speaker 2: me a video and I'm like, good god, what this

1099
00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:36,400
Speaker 2: iCloud look like?

1100
00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:36,719
Speaker 3: Chick?

1101
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,520
Speaker 4: Check this eye class.

1102
00:47:41,239 --> 00:47:44,120
Speaker 2: But it was funny how in setting up a camera

1103
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:49,799
Speaker 2: right and me self exploring for him. Of course, it's

1104
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:52,239
Speaker 2: the idea of like, I want to be sexy for

1105
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:55,800
Speaker 2: him in this moment, but then I start using things

1106
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:59,440
Speaker 2: in my hands and other tools to feel sexy and

1107
00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:02,160
Speaker 2: then realize saying like, oh, I kind of like the

1108
00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:04,720
Speaker 2: way that feels there. So then I'll say to him, babe,

1109
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:10,359
Speaker 2: use this when you come home or whatever. It's it's

1110
00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:12,799
Speaker 2: very like empowering as a woman, but it also is

1111
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:16,520
Speaker 2: like wow, the discovery of places and zones that I

1112
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:19,799
Speaker 2: didn't even know existed. So that's been something we've done

1113
00:48:19,800 --> 00:48:22,280
Speaker 2: in the past, you know, when we're having that time apart.

1114
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:24,719
Speaker 2: So once we get back together, it's like, oh, yeah,

1115
00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:26,920
Speaker 2: I'm going to try that super empowering.

1116
00:48:27,480 --> 00:48:32,200
Speaker 3: Yeah you you touched on something, no pun intended. How

1117
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:37,160
Speaker 3: men myself delights? I love it.

1118
00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:39,319
Speaker 4: If I were walking on that, I guess at least

1119
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:41,760
Speaker 4: I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing.

1120
00:48:42,239 --> 00:48:45,960
Speaker 3: But the truth is men don't feel comfortable exploring themselves.

1121
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:46,799
Speaker 3: You know.

1122
00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:51,120
Speaker 1: Part of that comes from years of homophobia, right like men,

1123
00:48:51,239 --> 00:48:52,000
Speaker 1: especially black men.

1124
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:53,480
Speaker 3: I don't touch myself, but we don't do that.

1125
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:55,480
Speaker 1: I need a girl, you know, So how do you

1126
00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:58,239
Speaker 1: know what you like if you don't touch yourself. I

1127
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:03,240
Speaker 1: realized years ago. I love making out. It doesn't always

1128
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:05,480
Speaker 1: have to end in sects. And I used to say

1129
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:07,040
Speaker 1: to Kadeen, like, how come you don't ever just come

1130
00:49:07,480 --> 00:49:09,239
Speaker 1: jump on me and we just kiss and hug and

1131
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:10,759
Speaker 1: touch on each other, And she's like, because you don't

1132
00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:12,600
Speaker 1: want to fuck afterwards, and sometimes I just don't want

1133
00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:15,239
Speaker 1: to fuck and I'm like, so now we can't we

1134
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:18,200
Speaker 1: can't make out because you're not gonna want to fuck later,

1135
00:49:18,840 --> 00:49:21,640
Speaker 1: And I'm just like, that's part of my oxytocin what

1136
00:49:21,719 --> 00:49:24,719
Speaker 1: I need. You know what I'm saying. And it's like, damn, Like,

1137
00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:28,000
Speaker 1: because you're worried about the end result, you don't give

1138
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:30,960
Speaker 1: me something else that I need. That's the intimacy component.

1139
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:33,319
Speaker 1: That's why I love listening to you, because it's not

1140
00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:36,560
Speaker 1: always just about the orgasm. You're not just a sex

1141
00:49:36,600 --> 00:49:39,359
Speaker 1: coach but also an intimacy coach. How important is it

1142
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:43,520
Speaker 1: for women to constantly touch on their husbands or their

1143
00:49:43,520 --> 00:49:44,480
Speaker 1: their significant other?

1144
00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:45,400
Speaker 3: I want to discuss that.

1145
00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:48,360
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's incredibly important, even when you were in the book,

1146
00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:50,440
Speaker 4: which y'all get the book obviously, I've talked about a

1147
00:49:50,480 --> 00:49:52,239
Speaker 4: million times and I could keep talking about it. It's

1148
00:49:52,320 --> 00:49:55,560
Speaker 4: really good. I love I read a lot of books

1149
00:49:55,640 --> 00:50:02,000
Speaker 4: about intimacy, relationships, connecting friendship. It is really phenomenal. It's like,

1150
00:50:02,280 --> 00:50:04,600
Speaker 4: actually not giving me to and most things give me to.

1151
00:50:06,200 --> 00:50:08,200
Speaker 4: Is that where we're at, That's where we're starting the conversation.

1152
00:50:08,239 --> 00:50:10,000
Speaker 4: This is or the book I was not giving that

1153
00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:11,960
Speaker 4: at all. But you talked about in the book being

1154
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:17,160
Speaker 4: touched out right what oftentimes men have the opposite experience

1155
00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:20,919
Speaker 4: it you. I don't think you have this issue of

1156
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:23,520
Speaker 4: being affectionate with your kids, But I know for me

1157
00:50:23,560 --> 00:50:27,000
Speaker 4: growing up, I have a dad whom I could go

1158
00:50:27,080 --> 00:50:29,000
Speaker 4: into like a story with this. I'm trying to gauge

1159
00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:31,319
Speaker 4: what I should say here, but essentially, for reasons of

1160
00:50:31,360 --> 00:50:35,319
Speaker 4: my mom's past, seeing my dad affectionate with us would

1161
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:38,560
Speaker 4: be triggering with her for her sometimes, and so my

1162
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:42,319
Speaker 4: dad would use affection as a joke with us. It

1163
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:44,840
Speaker 4: would always be like a wrestle this so that it

1164
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:49,000
Speaker 4: was never like really allowed to be sensitive again. So

1165
00:50:49,760 --> 00:50:52,280
Speaker 4: in many ways he had the opposite experience of my mom,

1166
00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:54,400
Speaker 4: where it's like we were always wanting to hugger, We

1167
00:50:54,400 --> 00:50:56,080
Speaker 4: always wanted kids because we knew that's who we could

1168
00:50:56,080 --> 00:50:58,759
Speaker 4: go to for that. And so in your only my

1169
00:50:58,800 --> 00:51:01,399
Speaker 4: only my dad's only outlet, it's not his sisters, it's

1170
00:51:01,400 --> 00:51:04,799
Speaker 4: not his mom, it's his only outlet for affection was

1171
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:07,600
Speaker 4: my mom. And so it's not just even just about

1172
00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:10,120
Speaker 4: necessarily looking for sexual touch. And then maybe for a

1173
00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:12,480
Speaker 4: lot of men too, they've never even tapped into the

1174
00:51:12,520 --> 00:51:14,919
Speaker 4: idea that I just need to corregulate, like I feel

1175
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:17,000
Speaker 4: stressed out, I feel like, you know, I need to

1176
00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:18,480
Speaker 4: make out. It could be even just be an you

1177
00:51:18,520 --> 00:51:19,600
Speaker 4: need to be held for a second.

1178
00:51:19,719 --> 00:51:20,120
Speaker 2: That'd be me.

1179
00:51:20,480 --> 00:51:21,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, I say that all the time.

1180
00:51:22,160 --> 00:51:24,520
Speaker 4: And because you don't want to admit that, it's easier

1181
00:51:24,560 --> 00:51:26,560
Speaker 4: to say, well, I just want to fuck, because that's

1182
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:29,080
Speaker 4: the way that you get the coregulation, you get the

1183
00:51:29,160 --> 00:51:31,440
Speaker 4: intimate touch, you get the connection.

1184
00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:32,560
Speaker 3: And you get the or gas.

1185
00:51:32,719 --> 00:51:35,360
Speaker 4: Right like that almost becomes a cherry on top versus

1186
00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:37,719
Speaker 4: like what the actual goal of intimacy is. And so

1187
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:39,879
Speaker 4: I just think that men just don't get to go

1188
00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:42,520
Speaker 4: through these explorations enough to really ask like, Okay, what

1189
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:45,240
Speaker 4: is it about sex that I crave so much?

1190
00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:49,000
Speaker 1: Does that not sound like how I was in college

1191
00:51:49,080 --> 00:51:51,080
Speaker 1: in my first few years in the NFL, I'd be

1192
00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:53,239
Speaker 1: having a bad day or something and I just want

1193
00:51:53,280 --> 00:51:55,400
Speaker 1: to fuck because I thought that that's what it was.

1194
00:51:55,480 --> 00:51:57,120
Speaker 1: It wasn't until I got older when I just like,

1195
00:51:57,120 --> 00:51:59,279
Speaker 1: I want my wife to sit on me, let me

1196
00:51:59,320 --> 00:52:02,400
Speaker 1: hold you, then let's kiss, let's make out. I'll fall asleep.

1197
00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:05,160
Speaker 1: I don't care. But I didn't realize until I got

1198
00:52:05,160 --> 00:52:09,680
Speaker 1: older that fucking wasn't the thing. It was the the affection.

1199
00:52:10,680 --> 00:52:13,239
Speaker 1: I crave, affection like I crave and you know how

1200
00:52:13,360 --> 00:52:16,319
Speaker 1: you talked about your mom having a traumatic pass I

1201
00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:18,839
Speaker 1: think it was traumatic for me because I didn't get

1202
00:52:18,840 --> 00:52:21,680
Speaker 1: affection in my house like that, Like I didn't. My

1203
00:52:21,719 --> 00:52:25,320
Speaker 1: mom wasn't affection. My mom was very much like militant,

1204
00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:27,800
Speaker 1: do as I say. You know, she showed her affection

1205
00:52:27,880 --> 00:52:30,680
Speaker 1: by Valentine's Day. She got us cards and gifts and

1206
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:32,640
Speaker 1: was just like, I'm going to show you appreciate it.

1207
00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:34,920
Speaker 1: But my mom's not a hugger. She's not a you know,

1208
00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:36,920
Speaker 1: a kiss I love you, son. It was never like that.

1209
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:40,080
Speaker 1: My dad wasn't like that either, So I yearned for that.

1210
00:52:40,440 --> 00:52:42,120
Speaker 1: So now that I have a wife, I'm like, I

1211
00:52:42,160 --> 00:52:44,560
Speaker 1: want that for my wife all the time. But at

1212
00:52:44,560 --> 00:52:47,520
Speaker 1: first I thought it was just sex. Now I'm like,

1213
00:52:48,320 --> 00:52:50,120
Speaker 1: it's not just sex. I want affection.

1214
00:52:50,360 --> 00:52:52,600
Speaker 2: And for me, I grew up also in not in

1215
00:52:52,640 --> 00:52:55,560
Speaker 2: a very affectionate environment like my parents were, like.

1216
00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:57,560
Speaker 4: We showed that we loved you because we provided for

1217
00:52:57,600 --> 00:52:58,160
Speaker 4: you and we.

1218
00:52:58,480 --> 00:53:04,680
Speaker 2: Gave like those are the things that those are the

1219
00:53:04,719 --> 00:53:08,360
Speaker 2: love languages right, So when I'm now fast forward with

1220
00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:10,800
Speaker 2: devound devalu just like wanting to be touched and felton

1221
00:53:10,840 --> 00:53:13,160
Speaker 2: all the time and huggy and kissing, I'm just kind

1222
00:53:13,160 --> 00:53:15,560
Speaker 2: of like I'm good like because that's just what I

1223
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:18,080
Speaker 2: was accustomed to. So how have you noticed, I guess,

1224
00:53:18,120 --> 00:53:21,600
Speaker 2: in your expert opinion, how people are affected by their

1225
00:53:21,680 --> 00:53:25,480
Speaker 2: past when it comes to affection and that desire for it.

1226
00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:28,120
Speaker 4: How what's the correlation? Yeah, I think of what's so

1227
00:53:28,160 --> 00:53:32,480
Speaker 4: great about fixed orientations, like the idea that we're just

1228
00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:34,560
Speaker 4: born in certain ways just gives us permission to be

1229
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:36,920
Speaker 4: and there's not a lot of like range in what

1230
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:40,239
Speaker 4: we think of, like is a disposition or orientation. I

1231
00:53:40,239 --> 00:53:43,560
Speaker 4: think some people are just naturally just desire touch more.

1232
00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:47,360
Speaker 4: They require more regulation, and there could be various reasons

1233
00:53:47,400 --> 00:53:49,920
Speaker 4: for that. And I think that there's also a big

1234
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:52,240
Speaker 4: part of it too, where we have to assess as women,

1235
00:53:52,600 --> 00:53:55,279
Speaker 4: we might get that affection from friends, We're getting it

1236
00:53:55,800 --> 00:53:58,360
Speaker 4: maybe somewhat from our parents, we get it from our siblings,

1237
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:00,719
Speaker 4: we might do it with our dolls. And then as

1238
00:54:00,719 --> 00:54:02,480
Speaker 4: we grow older, you know, we do that, we have

1239
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:04,640
Speaker 4: that with our children, and so then that's a natural

1240
00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:07,520
Speaker 4: explanation as to one why you just weren't that wasn't

1241
00:54:07,520 --> 00:54:10,440
Speaker 4: how you were raised too. Maybe naturally you just don't

1242
00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:14,319
Speaker 4: require that much type of you know, physical intimacy. And

1243
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:15,960
Speaker 4: on top of that, you're getting your knees met from

1244
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:18,239
Speaker 4: a lot of other different places, and so there's like

1245
00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:19,920
Speaker 4: a whole That's what I mean, like just bringing the

1246
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:22,319
Speaker 4: conversation a little bit wider. I'm really asking like, well,

1247
00:54:22,320 --> 00:54:24,600
Speaker 4: why am I the way that I am? And then

1248
00:54:24,920 --> 00:54:28,799
Speaker 4: respecting that and understanding that, and then I really want

1249
00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:30,239
Speaker 4: to talk about in my podcast. I'm trying to like

1250
00:54:30,280 --> 00:54:31,920
Speaker 4: save it. But the real truth is, like the long

1251
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:35,200
Speaker 4: the TLDR of this is like the journey of respecting,

1252
00:54:35,719 --> 00:54:39,520
Speaker 4: which is not a decision, right, Like, if I really

1253
00:54:39,560 --> 00:54:42,120
Speaker 4: want to respect you, it's not a choice that I make.

1254
00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:45,680
Speaker 4: It's an exploration that I'm willing to go through. That's

1255
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:47,520
Speaker 4: I'm willing to go.

1256
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:50,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, because exploration happens through over time. Yes, And people

1257
00:54:50,880 --> 00:54:52,759
Speaker 1: think that it's a choice. Once I make this choice,

1258
00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:55,200
Speaker 1: it should be instantaneous, right. I think that's part of

1259
00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:57,799
Speaker 1: the problem. Both men and women go through a lot

1260
00:54:57,840 --> 00:54:59,920
Speaker 1: of men and women want to change for their partner,

1261
00:55:00,360 --> 00:55:03,080
Speaker 1: but they just wanted to be instantaneously, not realizing that

1262
00:55:03,120 --> 00:55:05,240
Speaker 1: it's a journey and it's going to be a number

1263
00:55:05,239 --> 00:55:07,600
Speaker 1: of choices that have to be made over a specific

1264
00:55:07,640 --> 00:55:09,880
Speaker 1: amount of time. You want to spend the rest of

1265
00:55:09,880 --> 00:55:13,200
Speaker 1: your life with this person, be committed to exploring them

1266
00:55:13,200 --> 00:55:14,200
Speaker 1: for the rest of your life.

1267
00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:16,640
Speaker 2: Yes, you know exactly. That makes so much sense now

1268
00:55:16,640 --> 00:55:19,080
Speaker 2: that I think about it. Which to our point, babe,

1269
00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:21,920
Speaker 2: when we've been looking at the span of the past

1270
00:55:21,960 --> 00:55:26,160
Speaker 2: twenty years, Deval's kind of like, well, I told you

1271
00:55:26,200 --> 00:55:27,560
Speaker 2: the things that I want, so why can't you just

1272
00:55:27,640 --> 00:55:29,799
Speaker 2: change all of them in one breath and that be it,

1273
00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:31,920
Speaker 2: and then everything should be fine. We can write off

1274
00:55:31,920 --> 00:55:35,240
Speaker 2: into the sunset where with me, certain things took longer

1275
00:55:35,320 --> 00:55:40,920
Speaker 2: to click, for example, not just intercourse, right, he said,

1276
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:43,800
Speaker 2: time and time again, how about you try these different

1277
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:46,359
Speaker 2: things that will just show me that you're interested in

1278
00:55:46,440 --> 00:55:49,279
Speaker 2: making sure that I'm satisfied. But it's also not going

1279
00:55:49,320 --> 00:55:52,960
Speaker 2: to require as much from you. And for so long,

1280
00:55:53,160 --> 00:55:56,480
Speaker 2: I don't know why it took years for it to click.

1281
00:55:58,000 --> 00:56:00,440
Speaker 2: Try to understand, like why I feel why why I

1282
00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:01,120
Speaker 2: felt that way?

1283
00:56:01,160 --> 00:56:01,879
Speaker 4: It took so long?

1284
00:56:04,760 --> 00:56:10,719
Speaker 2: Yokah, you know right, I'm not sure I'm not sure

1285
00:56:10,719 --> 00:56:12,600
Speaker 2: why this part made me emotional, but.

1286
00:56:16,920 --> 00:56:18,240
Speaker 4: I felt badly.

1287
00:56:19,840 --> 00:56:21,600
Speaker 2: And more recently, I guess in the past couple of

1288
00:56:21,640 --> 00:56:25,080
Speaker 2: years that it's taken me so long to just give

1289
00:56:25,160 --> 00:56:28,560
Speaker 2: him the things that he requires, you know, because he's

1290
00:56:28,560 --> 00:56:36,240
Speaker 2: a phenomenal man, phenomenal father, phenomenal husband, and maybe because

1291
00:56:36,239 --> 00:56:39,040
Speaker 2: I was just so focused on like being a mom

1292
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:42,799
Speaker 2: and like going through all of the physical changes over

1293
00:56:42,840 --> 00:56:46,279
Speaker 2: the past decade, that I really wasn't focused on what

1294
00:56:46,360 --> 00:56:52,160
Speaker 2: he required. So more recently, I've been trying to make

1295
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:56,799
Speaker 2: sure that I'm just focusing on what he requires, and

1296
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,640
Speaker 2: I see how that lights him up, and I guess

1297
00:56:59,600 --> 00:57:02,560
Speaker 2: I'm crime because it's like being a bit upset at myself,

1298
00:57:02,560 --> 00:57:06,000
Speaker 2: but then also like seeing the happiness that he is

1299
00:57:06,040 --> 00:57:08,840
Speaker 2: exuding now because I'm really taking the time to focus

1300
00:57:08,920 --> 00:57:11,440
Speaker 2: and think about the things he needs. And though all

1301
00:57:11,480 --> 00:57:16,560
Speaker 2: the changes aren't happening at once, the small changes that

1302
00:57:16,600 --> 00:57:19,640
Speaker 2: I've been making makes me feel better because it makes

1303
00:57:19,720 --> 00:57:22,920
Speaker 2: me feel like I'm giving him the things that he deserves.

1304
00:57:23,320 --> 00:57:27,760
Speaker 2: And I guess that's me pretty much saying like taking

1305
00:57:27,800 --> 00:57:31,160
Speaker 2: the steps to explore each other in the journey and

1306
00:57:31,200 --> 00:57:34,880
Speaker 2: then finally like putting those things into action to change

1307
00:57:34,920 --> 00:57:36,840
Speaker 2: for him is important to me.

1308
00:57:37,400 --> 00:57:39,200
Speaker 4: I just want you to know it's important to me.

1309
00:57:39,440 --> 00:57:41,720
Speaker 1: Oh no, I appreciate that, and I know it's important.

1310
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:44,680
Speaker 1: I know it's important. And sometimes sometimes I think for

1311
00:57:44,800 --> 00:57:48,200
Speaker 1: us too as people. I've learned that once I said

1312
00:57:48,280 --> 00:57:52,480
Speaker 1: once again about intent and impact, right, I intended to

1313
00:57:52,840 --> 00:57:55,200
Speaker 1: tell Okay something where I may intend to tell Kase

1314
00:57:55,240 --> 00:57:57,120
Speaker 1: something that I don't realize it's impacting her in a

1315
00:57:57,160 --> 00:57:58,120
Speaker 1: way that may be hurtful.

1316
00:57:58,640 --> 00:57:59,840
Speaker 3: I hate what she says to me.

1317
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:03,120
Speaker 1: I feel inadequate, and I'm like, dang, I don't know

1318
00:58:03,160 --> 00:58:06,160
Speaker 1: how to tell you that I may require something different

1319
00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:08,080
Speaker 1: without you feeling inadequate.

1320
00:58:08,640 --> 00:58:09,960
Speaker 3: Sometimes we struggle with that.

1321
00:58:10,080 --> 00:58:10,240
Speaker 2: You know.

1322
00:58:10,280 --> 00:58:12,080
Speaker 1: It's like, Bait, I'm not saying that I want to

1323
00:58:12,080 --> 00:58:13,919
Speaker 1: be with anybody else so I want to do something.

1324
00:58:13,960 --> 00:58:16,280
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that let's pivot and try something different,

1325
00:58:16,280 --> 00:58:17,880
Speaker 1: And she's like, well, I've been trying these things.

1326
00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:20,320
Speaker 3: Sometimes for us it's like hard.

1327
00:58:20,160 --> 00:58:22,480
Speaker 2: Like I think what made me emotionless because it just

1328
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:24,160
Speaker 2: it really matters to me.

1329
00:58:24,560 --> 00:58:27,240
Speaker 4: It matters to me. And it's like Devo is an

1330
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:28,400
Speaker 4: amazing human.

1331
00:58:28,160 --> 00:58:31,160
Speaker 3: Being and you are too. You got to know that, Like.

1332
00:58:31,320 --> 00:58:35,439
Speaker 2: Thank you, but me feeling like I haven't been able

1333
00:58:35,480 --> 00:58:38,640
Speaker 2: to like hold my weight when it comes to sex

1334
00:58:38,720 --> 00:58:41,160
Speaker 2: or the things that he requires. It really bothered me,

1335
00:58:41,280 --> 00:58:43,800
Speaker 2: like I would question and internalize it and feel like,

1336
00:58:43,840 --> 00:58:45,960
Speaker 2: why can't it just click to me? Why can't I

1337
00:58:46,040 --> 00:58:48,280
Speaker 2: just start doing all of the things that he asks

1338
00:58:48,360 --> 00:58:50,840
Speaker 2: for do it in the manner in which he's asked

1339
00:58:50,880 --> 00:58:52,640
Speaker 2: for it. It's like, why is it taking me so

1340
00:58:52,800 --> 00:58:56,040
Speaker 2: long to just do it? Because I make the conscious

1341
00:58:56,080 --> 00:58:58,040
Speaker 2: effort when it comes to the kids, or it comes

1342
00:58:58,040 --> 00:59:00,240
Speaker 2: to work, or if a job requires something of me,

1343
00:59:00,400 --> 00:59:03,280
Speaker 2: like I just do it. But why should he have

1344
00:59:03,400 --> 00:59:05,240
Speaker 2: to be put on the back burner? Why should his

1345
00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:07,240
Speaker 2: feelings or his needs be put in the back burner?

1346
00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:09,120
Speaker 2: And I think that's just like a self reflection moment

1347
00:59:09,160 --> 00:59:12,960
Speaker 2: for me to realize, like people prioritize the things they

1348
00:59:13,040 --> 00:59:16,480
Speaker 2: want to prioritize as far and I've just been making

1349
00:59:16,560 --> 00:59:19,240
Speaker 2: a conscious effort within the past five years and more recently,

1350
00:59:19,320 --> 00:59:21,880
Speaker 2: I feel like since he's gotten has vien tech to

1351
00:59:21,960 --> 00:59:25,520
Speaker 2: me to really pour into what it is that he

1352
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:28,040
Speaker 2: needs and giving him exactly what he requires, Like it's

1353
00:59:28,040 --> 00:59:30,560
Speaker 2: not enough to just say, well, you know, you freaking

1354
00:59:30,600 --> 00:59:32,560
Speaker 2: nutted three four times this week, like you're having more

1355
00:59:32,600 --> 00:59:35,240
Speaker 2: sex than the average married man, Like that's just not

1356
00:59:35,440 --> 00:59:39,800
Speaker 2: enough for him. And I'm just letting him know, and

1357
00:59:39,800 --> 00:59:42,520
Speaker 2: I guess letting everybody know now that we're in this

1358
00:59:42,600 --> 00:59:45,720
Speaker 2: space that like that's just a focus of mine moving

1359
00:59:45,760 --> 00:59:49,320
Speaker 2: forward into this next chapter of what our life is

1360
00:59:49,320 --> 00:59:50,760
Speaker 2: going to look like, because I hear in the forties

1361
00:59:50,800 --> 00:59:52,920
Speaker 2: it gets better, Like I guess is that true to

1362
00:59:53,040 --> 00:59:55,000
Speaker 2: women's sex drives go up in the forties.

1363
00:59:55,040 --> 00:59:57,480
Speaker 4: I don't know if that's a myth or not, but well.

1364
00:59:57,040 --> 00:59:58,640
Speaker 1: Here's the thing, babe, I don't I want you to

1365
00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:02,600
Speaker 1: understand this too. You keep saying time right, time is relative.

1366
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:05,800
Speaker 1: We've been together twenty two years. Okay, so it took

1367
01:00:05,840 --> 01:00:07,640
Speaker 1: you a couple of years to figure something out, but

1368
01:00:07,680 --> 01:00:09,919
Speaker 1: we still have eighty more years of life to live.

1369
01:00:10,400 --> 01:00:13,240
Speaker 1: You understand what I'm saying, Like, like, if you always

1370
01:00:13,240 --> 01:00:14,960
Speaker 1: think of things in terms of like it took me

1371
01:00:15,080 --> 01:00:18,400
Speaker 1: this long and this, then it's always seemed daunting. But

1372
01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:20,160
Speaker 1: then when you look at how much more life we

1373
01:00:20,320 --> 01:00:23,360
Speaker 1: have to live together, God willing we live to be

1374
01:00:23,520 --> 01:00:27,439
Speaker 1: eighty years old, that means we have forty more years. Yeah,

1375
01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:29,080
Speaker 1: it took you may a couple of years to figure

1376
01:00:29,120 --> 01:00:30,880
Speaker 1: this out, but now we have forty more years with

1377
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:33,200
Speaker 1: the work that you've already figured out, but the work

1378
01:00:33,240 --> 01:00:35,880
Speaker 1: I've also figured out. Right, you weren't going through that

1379
01:00:35,920 --> 01:00:39,240
Speaker 1: process by yourself, right, We were doing the work together,

1380
01:00:39,320 --> 01:00:41,840
Speaker 1: So you also had to let me get some information

1381
01:00:41,920 --> 01:00:44,840
Speaker 1: to help you through the process. It wasn't only on you,

1382
01:00:45,280 --> 01:00:47,360
Speaker 1: which is why I keep telling you, like, stop stop

1383
01:00:47,400 --> 01:00:50,600
Speaker 1: internalizing and taking it all on yourself. I had to

1384
01:00:50,680 --> 01:00:53,360
Speaker 1: learn that too, because remember I used to say to

1385
01:00:53,400 --> 01:00:56,560
Speaker 1: myself saying all the time, what's wrong with me? Now

1386
01:00:56,640 --> 01:00:59,400
Speaker 1: I may not cry, but I will be like, yo,

1387
01:00:59,440 --> 01:01:01,320
Speaker 1: what is wrong with me that I can't you know?

1388
01:01:01,480 --> 01:01:02,680
Speaker 3: At one point I was like, do I have a

1389
01:01:02,720 --> 01:01:04,880
Speaker 3: sex addiction? You know? And at one point I was like,

1390
01:01:05,240 --> 01:01:06,640
Speaker 3: am I over affectionate? Am I?

1391
01:01:06,720 --> 01:01:09,440
Speaker 1: Am I not being aware of what my wife may

1392
01:01:09,480 --> 01:01:12,000
Speaker 1: need in this moment like these the same way you're

1393
01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:15,240
Speaker 1: going through those introspective moments. I continuously go through those.

1394
01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:17,760
Speaker 1: But what I find joy is knowing that we're working

1395
01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:20,040
Speaker 1: on it together. So if there's ever a moment where

1396
01:01:20,040 --> 01:01:22,560
Speaker 1: we're not exactly on the same page, it's not what

1397
01:01:22,640 --> 01:01:24,880
Speaker 1: we've been together. Twenty two years we should notice by

1398
01:01:24,920 --> 01:01:26,840
Speaker 1: now it's like, let's go on another journey. It could

1399
01:01:26,840 --> 01:01:29,560
Speaker 1: take another five years, right, but then we still got

1400
01:01:29,600 --> 01:01:30,720
Speaker 1: forty more years of life.

1401
01:01:30,720 --> 01:01:32,160
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. It's perspective.

1402
01:01:32,200 --> 01:01:34,880
Speaker 1: That's that's how I've been approaching it, you know, So

1403
01:01:34,960 --> 01:01:36,480
Speaker 1: I just want you to know that too, though, Like

1404
01:01:37,280 --> 01:01:37,680
Speaker 1: you know, I.

1405
01:01:37,640 --> 01:01:39,640
Speaker 2: Guess the perfectionist in me is just like, why can't

1406
01:01:39,680 --> 01:01:41,520
Speaker 2: I get this right? Like you know, I get everything

1407
01:01:41,520 --> 01:01:43,840
Speaker 2: else right? You know, why can't I get this right

1408
01:01:43,880 --> 01:01:46,040
Speaker 2: with a person who means the absolute most to me?

1409
01:01:46,520 --> 01:01:48,520
Speaker 1: But who are you not getting it right? I think

1410
01:01:48,560 --> 01:01:51,800
Speaker 1: you are getting it right by working, working, working on

1411
01:01:51,840 --> 01:01:54,400
Speaker 1: it is actually getting it right. When you get it

1412
01:01:54,440 --> 01:01:56,360
Speaker 1: wrong is when you quit right.

1413
01:01:56,560 --> 01:01:58,360
Speaker 4: That's what you do, is quit right.

1414
01:01:58,520 --> 01:02:00,600
Speaker 1: Like that's the biggest thing if you're not. But I mean,

1415
01:02:00,640 --> 01:02:02,880
Speaker 1: these are but these also are emotions you got to

1416
01:02:02,960 --> 01:02:05,000
Speaker 1: let out. And sometimes this is why it's good to

1417
01:02:05,000 --> 01:02:07,840
Speaker 1: speak to people other than me about this, Like this

1418
01:02:07,920 --> 01:02:09,520
Speaker 1: is the first time I've seen you break down like

1419
01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:12,320
Speaker 1: this about this Because you're speaking to someone else, maybe

1420
01:02:12,360 --> 01:02:12,960
Speaker 1: you should just.

1421
01:02:12,920 --> 01:02:16,680
Speaker 4: Speak this era. I mean, I had no idea that

1422
01:02:16,720 --> 01:02:18,280
Speaker 4: I was walking into a therapy session.

1423
01:02:18,600 --> 01:02:22,000
Speaker 3: I had no idea, I know.

1424
01:02:22,200 --> 01:02:25,160
Speaker 1: But serious though, I mean, sometimes you need to express

1425
01:02:25,200 --> 01:02:28,000
Speaker 1: this to someone else because you don't feel comfortable saying

1426
01:02:28,040 --> 01:02:30,480
Speaker 1: it to me. But now I heard it because you've

1427
01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:32,560
Speaker 1: expressed it in front of someone else to me. So

1428
01:02:33,400 --> 01:02:35,720
Speaker 1: this is a learning moment not just for you, it's

1429
01:02:35,720 --> 01:02:37,600
Speaker 1: for me too, Like I'm like, okay, I see where

1430
01:02:37,640 --> 01:02:40,040
Speaker 1: you are with it, where your mentality is, so we

1431
01:02:40,120 --> 01:02:40,760
Speaker 1: build off that.

1432
01:02:40,800 --> 01:02:48,320
Speaker 4: It's that simple, so beautiful. Sorry, it's so beautiful. And

1433
01:02:48,320 --> 01:02:51,000
Speaker 4: I'm only thinking that because I know you from a

1434
01:02:51,040 --> 01:02:53,840
Speaker 4: limited POV and you know limited thing and I don't

1435
01:02:53,840 --> 01:02:56,280
Speaker 4: feel like you said anything really new just there, but

1436
01:02:56,360 --> 01:02:59,000
Speaker 4: I felt, like, what I think the difference A friend

1437
01:02:59,000 --> 01:03:01,200
Speaker 4: of mine actally said this beaks because they talk about

1438
01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:04,120
Speaker 4: their partner a lot. Their partner has certain like isms, right,

1439
01:03:04,160 --> 01:03:05,880
Speaker 4: like that they just talk about their isms in like,

1440
01:03:06,080 --> 01:03:09,000
Speaker 4: h that kind of way. I just noticed recently. It's

1441
01:03:09,040 --> 01:03:11,880
Speaker 4: not that the conversation has changed. The isms are still there,

1442
01:03:12,160 --> 01:03:14,760
Speaker 4: but there's a lovingness to how she talks about it,

1443
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:17,320
Speaker 4: and there's a knowingness how she talks about it, like

1444
01:03:17,600 --> 01:03:19,360
Speaker 4: I know this about them. So here's what I build in.

1445
01:03:19,640 --> 01:03:21,560
Speaker 4: And I asked him, like, what's the difference, like they're

1446
01:03:21,640 --> 01:03:24,840
Speaker 4: just always seem to have this positive spin on these

1447
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:27,160
Speaker 4: parts of the person. And then she's like, I think

1448
01:03:27,200 --> 01:03:29,000
Speaker 4: I just started to feel like he did that for me,

1449
01:03:29,640 --> 01:03:32,800
Speaker 4: like for a really long time. I want to let's

1450
01:03:32,800 --> 01:03:33,360
Speaker 4: stop there, Like.

1451
01:03:34,160 --> 01:03:37,520
Speaker 2: No, you're right, It's like he's done so many things

1452
01:03:37,520 --> 01:03:39,480
Speaker 2: for me, so it's like, why can't I reciprocate that?

1453
01:03:40,040 --> 01:03:43,040
Speaker 4: But also I think what helped me is sometimes you

1454
01:03:43,160 --> 01:03:46,560
Speaker 4: need it done for you to feel inspired to make

1455
01:03:46,640 --> 01:03:48,440
Speaker 4: that change for somebody else, and that.

1456
01:03:48,440 --> 01:03:49,160
Speaker 3: Happens a lot in you.

1457
01:03:49,320 --> 01:03:51,120
Speaker 2: Because I feel like it shouldn't have been that right,

1458
01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:54,400
Speaker 2: because why I should have been just if he wants

1459
01:03:54,440 --> 01:03:56,840
Speaker 2: to naturally do these things for me, then it should

1460
01:03:56,880 --> 01:03:59,240
Speaker 2: just like what it makes me feel like.

1461
01:04:00,800 --> 01:04:02,040
Speaker 4: If this sounds weird.

1462
01:04:01,760 --> 01:04:03,560
Speaker 2: Like he loves me more than I love him, Like

1463
01:04:03,600 --> 01:04:05,480
Speaker 2: that's what he said to me before, and he was like, well,

1464
01:04:05,520 --> 01:04:06,840
Speaker 2: I love you this much and I'm willing to do

1465
01:04:06,880 --> 01:04:08,760
Speaker 2: all these things, and I'm like, but I love you

1466
01:04:08,880 --> 01:04:10,760
Speaker 2: just as much. Just because I'm not doing those things

1467
01:04:10,840 --> 01:04:12,880
Speaker 2: doesn't take away from the fact that I love.

1468
01:04:12,680 --> 01:04:15,320
Speaker 1: You, and I have said that, I've felt that before,

1469
01:04:15,480 --> 01:04:19,000
Speaker 1: I've legitimately felt like, damn, do I love her more

1470
01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:21,160
Speaker 1: than she loved me because I'm willing to do anything

1471
01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:22,880
Speaker 1: she wants to do. But when it comes to things

1472
01:04:22,880 --> 01:04:25,640
Speaker 1: I ask, it's always a caveat. I've said that before.

1473
01:04:25,720 --> 01:04:27,880
Speaker 1: Maybe that's why you feel like that because I've said it.

1474
01:04:27,920 --> 01:04:29,760
Speaker 4: So I'm just like, and it's really hard to do

1475
01:04:29,840 --> 01:04:32,560
Speaker 4: things you don't feel like you're good at. Yeah, nobody

1476
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:34,720
Speaker 4: wants to do math that they're getting a fucking DP

1477
01:04:35,160 --> 01:04:37,320
Speaker 4: like you want it. Your favorite subject is always the

1478
01:04:37,320 --> 01:04:40,120
Speaker 4: subject that you're doing really good at. So it's difficult,

1479
01:04:40,760 --> 01:04:42,920
Speaker 4: as much as it should be more logical to be

1480
01:04:43,000 --> 01:04:46,520
Speaker 4: more motivated to excel in this area because you want

1481
01:04:46,560 --> 01:04:48,200
Speaker 4: to please your partner and you want all those things.

1482
01:04:48,240 --> 01:04:50,000
Speaker 4: If you feel like you're bad at it, or starting

1483
01:04:50,000 --> 01:04:52,560
Speaker 4: from a place where you're bad, that's.

1484
01:04:52,440 --> 01:04:53,360
Speaker 3: A good point though.

1485
01:04:53,800 --> 01:04:56,400
Speaker 2: If there's been like this dark cloud around sex for

1486
01:04:56,440 --> 01:04:58,280
Speaker 2: so long that it's like I feel like the cloud

1487
01:04:58,400 --> 01:05:00,800
Speaker 2: was just following me, like I couldn't escape the storm

1488
01:05:01,040 --> 01:05:03,600
Speaker 2: of the conversations that we've had.

1489
01:05:03,840 --> 01:05:06,080
Speaker 1: Shan has but she remember when you said to me

1490
01:05:06,120 --> 01:05:07,520
Speaker 1: you didn't like to do the dress up and stuff

1491
01:05:07,520 --> 01:05:08,640
Speaker 1: because you didn't feel sexy.

1492
01:05:08,800 --> 01:05:11,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's literally exactly what you don't do it because

1493
01:05:11,920 --> 01:05:12,320
Speaker 3: you don't like.

1494
01:05:13,960 --> 01:05:15,800
Speaker 2: You didn't feel Yeah, I didn't feel like I didn't

1495
01:05:15,800 --> 01:05:18,320
Speaker 2: feel sexy because we've had the conversation about like playing

1496
01:05:18,360 --> 01:05:21,240
Speaker 2: dress up and role play, and I'm just like, like,

1497
01:05:21,280 --> 01:05:22,880
Speaker 2: if I start to do this now, like he's gonna

1498
01:05:22,880 --> 01:05:24,560
Speaker 2: think I'm only doing it because he's asked for it,

1499
01:05:24,600 --> 01:05:26,920
Speaker 2: and I'm in my own head about it, you know.

1500
01:05:27,440 --> 01:05:31,200
Speaker 2: But what's helped me to your to answer your question

1501
01:05:31,240 --> 01:05:34,960
Speaker 2: to her to kind of piggyback off my response. Learning

1502
01:05:34,960 --> 01:05:38,200
Speaker 2: how to take accountability has helped me with a lot

1503
01:05:39,360 --> 01:05:42,160
Speaker 2: of the progress I feel like I've been able to make.

1504
01:05:42,600 --> 01:05:44,480
Speaker 2: I had a problem with taking accountability.

1505
01:05:44,760 --> 01:05:46,760
Speaker 4: I used to deflect. I used to defer, I used

1506
01:05:46,760 --> 01:05:47,640
Speaker 4: to find a reason why.

1507
01:05:47,680 --> 01:05:50,040
Speaker 2: I used to find an excuse, and Deval would call

1508
01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:51,800
Speaker 2: me on it, because Deval was just like, he's not

1509
01:05:51,840 --> 01:05:54,240
Speaker 2: a bullshitter. He's like, give me the straight you know,

1510
01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:58,560
Speaker 2: straight drink, no chaser. And I've learned to be accountable

1511
01:05:58,560 --> 01:06:02,040
Speaker 2: for my actions in a facet of the multifaceted, like

1512
01:06:02,240 --> 01:06:05,960
Speaker 2: you know areas. Now that I'm able to do that,

1513
01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:08,840
Speaker 2: I think that's why I'm able to execute the things

1514
01:06:08,840 --> 01:06:11,480
Speaker 2: more or one of the reasons why I'm able to

1515
01:06:11,520 --> 01:06:13,560
Speaker 2: execute the things that he wants more because not only

1516
01:06:13,560 --> 01:06:15,640
Speaker 2: do I feel like he deserves it because he gives

1517
01:06:15,680 --> 01:06:18,080
Speaker 2: the same thing to me, or because he's the amazing

1518
01:06:18,120 --> 01:06:20,000
Speaker 2: person that he is and he requires that and he

1519
01:06:20,080 --> 01:06:23,320
Speaker 2: should have it, but I'm also sitting back and saying

1520
01:06:23,640 --> 01:06:27,120
Speaker 2: I need to take responsibility for how I've acted or

1521
01:06:27,160 --> 01:06:30,320
Speaker 2: the things I haven't acted on, and that I think

1522
01:06:30,360 --> 01:06:33,600
Speaker 2: has helped me get a better perspective to make it

1523
01:06:33,640 --> 01:06:36,320
Speaker 2: a healthy thought process for me and a healthy way

1524
01:06:36,320 --> 01:06:39,959
Speaker 2: to execute things versus trying to like tiptoe or dance

1525
01:06:40,000 --> 01:06:40,480
Speaker 2: around it.

1526
01:06:42,720 --> 01:06:45,040
Speaker 1: You're right, Yeah, I think you need something to drink,

1527
01:06:45,040 --> 01:06:46,480
Speaker 1: and I think you need to take a break.

1528
01:06:46,720 --> 01:06:47,800
Speaker 3: I knew, I seriously do.

1529
01:06:47,800 --> 01:06:49,840
Speaker 1: I don't want you to be you know, you shared

1530
01:06:49,880 --> 01:06:52,120
Speaker 1: a lot, but also like you're a human at the

1531
01:06:52,120 --> 01:06:54,400
Speaker 1: same time, like shann said, like sometimes you got to like,

1532
01:06:55,280 --> 01:06:59,120
Speaker 1: let's take a break. We're gonna take a break, have

1533
01:06:59,120 --> 01:07:00,600
Speaker 1: a drink, you need.

1534
01:07:00,440 --> 01:07:05,439
Speaker 2: A hug, I'll take a shot straight, no chase it. No, Yeah,

1535
01:07:05,440 --> 01:07:07,280
Speaker 2: we can take a break. We'll we'll you know, do

1536
01:07:07,360 --> 01:07:11,520
Speaker 2: the necessary bill paying and whatnot. I'll get myself together

1537
01:07:12,120 --> 01:07:28,560
Speaker 2: and then we'll be back all right, now that we're back,

1538
01:07:28,600 --> 01:07:29,720
Speaker 2: we got ourselves together.

1539
01:07:29,800 --> 01:07:31,720
Speaker 4: We had a shot or two.

1540
01:07:31,720 --> 01:07:38,120
Speaker 2: Maybe we're gonna lean on you shan to jump into

1541
01:07:38,200 --> 01:07:41,640
Speaker 2: listener letters since you are our expert for this episode.

1542
01:07:42,200 --> 01:07:44,560
Speaker 4: You guys are experts too, you know, actually really been

1543
01:07:44,600 --> 01:07:48,240
Speaker 4: leaning into making sure that my title is educator teacher

1544
01:07:48,960 --> 01:07:51,439
Speaker 4: one of my certification for that. Really support that and too,

1545
01:07:51,520 --> 01:07:55,080
Speaker 4: I like, really everybody's an expert and so rather than

1546
01:07:55,120 --> 01:07:57,920
Speaker 4: like I think that separates us, and in terms of knowledge,

1547
01:07:58,040 --> 01:07:59,959
Speaker 4: you know things that I don't know, and you have got,

1548
01:08:00,520 --> 01:08:02,760
Speaker 4: you know, answers to questions that I still have. So

1549
01:08:02,840 --> 01:08:05,240
Speaker 4: like we're both experts. I just spend more time learning

1550
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:07,640
Speaker 4: and teaching, and so that's where my that's where I'm

1551
01:08:07,640 --> 01:08:08,080
Speaker 4: better than you.

1552
01:08:08,280 --> 01:08:11,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, more experts, like you know, all the things you

1553
01:08:11,960 --> 01:08:15,240
Speaker 2: create the safe space, like it just.

1554
01:08:14,880 --> 01:08:19,920
Speaker 1: Became that I'm gonna read, I'm gonna listen, but I try,

1555
01:08:19,400 --> 01:08:20,719
Speaker 1: and we're going to try.

1556
01:08:20,960 --> 01:08:22,160
Speaker 3: Because I'm definitely expert.

1557
01:08:22,840 --> 01:08:25,719
Speaker 4: You're putting your ten thousand hours, what twenty two years?

1558
01:08:25,800 --> 01:08:29,760
Speaker 3: Yes, make an experts. Yeah, you guys are experts.

1559
01:08:30,120 --> 01:08:33,679
Speaker 4: Shut out, Come on me up then, bro dap me up.

1560
01:08:34,200 --> 01:08:35,800
Speaker 2: All right, So let's jump into this listen, let it,

1561
01:08:35,840 --> 01:08:40,679
Speaker 2: and we will use your educational experience to talk about

1562
01:08:41,120 --> 01:08:43,720
Speaker 2: what's happening here. All right, Hey, so, I just want

1563
01:08:43,760 --> 01:08:45,400
Speaker 2: to start by saying I love you both. I've been

1564
01:08:45,400 --> 01:08:48,040
Speaker 2: following your journey for almost eight years now and listening

1565
01:08:48,120 --> 01:08:50,600
Speaker 2: to the podcast in season one. I can go on

1566
01:08:50,640 --> 01:08:52,360
Speaker 2: and on about how much I love y'all, but let

1567
01:08:52,360 --> 01:08:54,080
Speaker 2: me get to the point because it's a lot to

1568
01:08:54,200 --> 01:08:56,320
Speaker 2: unpack and I don't want to leave anything out.

1569
01:08:56,920 --> 01:08:57,320
Speaker 4: Thank you.

1570
01:08:57,920 --> 01:08:59,760
Speaker 2: So, me and my husband have been together for eight

1571
01:08:59,840 --> 01:09:02,479
Speaker 2: year and married for a little over one year. We

1572
01:09:02,560 --> 01:09:05,120
Speaker 2: have two kids together, and I believe that we have

1573
01:09:05,200 --> 01:09:09,400
Speaker 2: a great relationship. Anyway, sex has always been a thing

1574
01:09:09,439 --> 01:09:13,680
Speaker 2: in our relationship, even prior to marriage. Like us, my

1575
01:09:13,760 --> 01:09:15,679
Speaker 2: husband wants to have sex all the time, and I'm

1576
01:09:15,840 --> 01:09:17,880
Speaker 2: just not that person. I would be okay with sex

1577
01:09:17,920 --> 01:09:20,800
Speaker 2: once a month for no more than twenty minutes. So

1578
01:09:20,800 --> 01:09:23,439
Speaker 2: we got down to the minute show. I know, don't

1579
01:09:23,520 --> 01:09:26,200
Speaker 2: judge me because of my lack of desire to have sex.

1580
01:09:26,280 --> 01:09:29,120
Speaker 2: I've allowed my husband then boyfriend to have sex with

1581
01:09:29,200 --> 01:09:33,599
Speaker 2: someone else. I hate that decision and that I wish

1582
01:09:33,600 --> 01:09:36,559
Speaker 2: it didn't happen. Moving on, I expressed to him that

1583
01:09:36,600 --> 01:09:39,799
Speaker 2: I'm also interested in women sexually, and he was all

1584
01:09:39,880 --> 01:09:43,000
Speaker 2: for it. I had encounters with women on my own

1585
01:09:43,080 --> 01:09:49,840
Speaker 2: and we had a couple threesomes not page two, page hard.

1586
01:09:50,080 --> 01:09:53,360
Speaker 2: She said it was a lot to unpacked. We discussed

1587
01:09:53,439 --> 01:09:56,960
Speaker 2: boundaries before then and everything was cool. We continue this

1588
01:09:57,520 --> 01:10:00,479
Speaker 2: going into our marriage, the threesomes and him allowing me

1589
01:10:00,520 --> 01:10:02,760
Speaker 2: to be with other women on my own. But now

1590
01:10:02,800 --> 01:10:05,120
Speaker 2: I want to stop because now I feel like my

1591
01:10:05,200 --> 01:10:07,720
Speaker 2: husband has become too wrapped up in it. Every time

1592
01:10:07,720 --> 01:10:10,320
Speaker 2: we go out, he's looking for another woman to enjoy

1593
01:10:10,600 --> 01:10:13,800
Speaker 2: having threesomes with, and our date nights have become unenjoyable.

1594
01:10:14,360 --> 01:10:17,040
Speaker 2: He sparks up random conversations with other women and tells

1595
01:10:17,040 --> 01:10:20,639
Speaker 2: them that I'm into women, literal strangers we just met,

1596
01:10:20,720 --> 01:10:22,879
Speaker 2: and it's so annoying. This is his way of flirting

1597
01:10:22,880 --> 01:10:25,200
Speaker 2: with other women to see if they're interested. But sometimes

1598
01:10:25,400 --> 01:10:27,040
Speaker 2: I just want to meet people and it be just

1599
01:10:27,120 --> 01:10:30,639
Speaker 2: that meeting them. Now, I will take accountability for my part,

1600
01:10:30,680 --> 01:10:32,639
Speaker 2: because there are times we go out and I do

1601
01:10:33,400 --> 01:10:36,879
Speaker 2: want to do that, meaning have a threesome, but sometimes

1602
01:10:36,920 --> 01:10:39,800
Speaker 2: I don't. I just want to enjoy my husband, and

1603
01:10:39,840 --> 01:10:41,880
Speaker 2: for some reason he can't get it. Every time I

1604
01:10:41,880 --> 01:10:44,679
Speaker 2: express this to him, he turns it into an argument

1605
01:10:44,760 --> 01:10:49,440
Speaker 2: because my feelings are back and forth. According to him,

1606
01:10:50,040 --> 01:10:54,280
Speaker 2: Page three, Page threeeeste, I hate that three somes have

1607
01:10:54,360 --> 01:10:57,120
Speaker 2: become the center of our relationship and seems to be

1608
01:10:57,200 --> 01:10:59,560
Speaker 2: the only way we connect. Yes, I would like to

1609
01:10:59,560 --> 01:11:01,720
Speaker 2: continue to do it once in a bloom moon, but

1610
01:11:01,760 --> 01:11:04,240
Speaker 2: my husband wants to do it every chance we get.

1611
01:11:04,520 --> 01:11:07,639
Speaker 2: And because of the disconnect here, I just want to stop.

1612
01:11:07,720 --> 01:11:10,120
Speaker 2: I feel like, because I've accepted it for so long

1613
01:11:10,200 --> 01:11:14,080
Speaker 2: and went into the marriage, can I even change my mind.

1614
01:11:14,560 --> 01:11:16,759
Speaker 2: I feel like if we stop, it'll affect my marriage

1615
01:11:16,800 --> 01:11:19,560
Speaker 2: because my husband really enjoys it, and our sex is

1616
01:11:19,680 --> 01:11:24,160
Speaker 2: kind of blah compared to threesomes. I don't satisfy him

1617
01:11:24,160 --> 01:11:27,160
Speaker 2: sexually when it's just me. This is partly because I

1618
01:11:27,160 --> 01:11:31,200
Speaker 2: don't like it, but I also don't know what I like.

1619
01:11:31,600 --> 01:11:34,120
Speaker 1: He don't satisfy her sexually neither clearly too, because she

1620
01:11:34,160 --> 01:11:36,680
Speaker 1: lays women. It's not just him not being satisfied.

1621
01:11:36,840 --> 01:11:38,639
Speaker 2: We have two kids and work full time, and after

1622
01:11:38,680 --> 01:11:41,400
Speaker 2: a long day of work, I'm tired, and honestly, I

1623
01:11:41,439 --> 01:11:44,320
Speaker 2: don't get enjoyment from our sex. I feel like I'm

1624
01:11:44,360 --> 01:11:48,160
Speaker 2: talking in circles. Now, so question is how can I

1625
01:11:48,200 --> 01:11:50,600
Speaker 2: communicate to my husband that I no longer want to

1626
01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:53,439
Speaker 2: have three sums because of the issue it CAUs and

1627
01:11:53,600 --> 01:11:57,040
Speaker 2: also make our life, our sex life better.

1628
01:11:59,400 --> 01:12:00,599
Speaker 3: Wow? Wow wow.

1629
01:12:01,280 --> 01:12:04,920
Speaker 4: You ever get not or like a necklace that gets

1630
01:12:05,000 --> 01:12:07,960
Speaker 4: into a knot, then the knot is so big and

1631
01:12:08,160 --> 01:12:09,920
Speaker 4: it's like a chain, so it's so hard to get

1632
01:12:09,960 --> 01:12:12,760
Speaker 4: out and you can't yank it, get that no out.

1633
01:12:13,120 --> 01:12:15,280
Speaker 4: It's like a slow process with a needle of going

1634
01:12:15,800 --> 01:12:19,519
Speaker 4: each individual, not like a Rubik's cube. Sometimes then you

1635
01:12:19,680 --> 01:12:21,479
Speaker 4: find yourself on a path that like you're actually making

1636
01:12:21,479 --> 01:12:23,800
Speaker 4: it worse. So that's just the process they have to

1637
01:12:23,800 --> 01:12:26,240
Speaker 4: go under. I mean we could have stopped at half

1638
01:12:26,320 --> 01:12:30,120
Speaker 4: page and been like, oh, like exactly that you guys

1639
01:12:30,120 --> 01:12:32,280
Speaker 4: were nodding along like oh yeah, we've been there, we've

1640
01:12:32,280 --> 01:12:33,920
Speaker 4: been there, and eventually were like, oh no, this is

1641
01:12:33,920 --> 01:12:34,519
Speaker 4: not our story.

1642
01:12:34,680 --> 01:12:34,840
Speaker 2: Right.

1643
01:12:36,640 --> 01:12:38,400
Speaker 4: And if you were to give advice to the very

1644
01:12:38,439 --> 01:12:41,479
Speaker 4: first part of when you acknowledge that there is a

1645
01:12:41,520 --> 01:12:44,720
Speaker 4: disparity in how much sex you want and for how

1646
01:12:44,720 --> 01:12:46,840
Speaker 4: long you want it, like, what do you think they

1647
01:12:46,880 --> 01:12:48,280
Speaker 4: should have done at that point?

1648
01:12:50,160 --> 01:12:51,639
Speaker 3: This is my issue, right.

1649
01:12:53,120 --> 01:12:55,080
Speaker 1: It seems like she's cool with stuff as long as

1650
01:12:55,120 --> 01:12:58,040
Speaker 1: she wants to do it right, Like she wants to

1651
01:12:58,040 --> 01:13:00,720
Speaker 1: have sex twenty minutes once a long. You want to

1652
01:13:00,720 --> 01:13:02,439
Speaker 1: have three someomes, cool, I'm cool with three someomes. But

1653
01:13:02,479 --> 01:13:04,320
Speaker 1: I'm only cool with three someomes when I want to

1654
01:13:04,360 --> 01:13:06,720
Speaker 1: do three somemes. That's not fair to me. That's what

1655
01:13:06,800 --> 01:13:08,479
Speaker 1: I want to see. No one ever wants to address

1656
01:13:08,520 --> 01:13:10,880
Speaker 1: the elephant in the room. But you can't say to

1657
01:13:10,920 --> 01:13:14,040
Speaker 1: somebody who we're in life partnership is like, we're only

1658
01:13:14,080 --> 01:13:15,559
Speaker 1: going to do the things you want to do when

1659
01:13:15,680 --> 01:13:17,479
Speaker 1: I want to do them. That's just not fair.

1660
01:13:17,600 --> 01:13:19,760
Speaker 4: It's exactly the same. That's for him though he's only

1661
01:13:19,880 --> 01:13:21,320
Speaker 4: getting to do it when he wants to do it,

1662
01:13:21,880 --> 01:13:25,680
Speaker 4: But he's not having toroise and do things sexually that

1663
01:13:25,760 --> 01:13:28,800
Speaker 4: he doesn't want to do. So it's the same. We're

1664
01:13:28,840 --> 01:13:31,240
Speaker 4: going off of his desires, and then she's just saying

1665
01:13:31,560 --> 01:13:33,640
Speaker 4: on the hundred times that you desire it, here's the

1666
01:13:33,720 --> 01:13:36,559
Speaker 4: eight that I actually am also enthusiastically interested.

1667
01:13:36,760 --> 01:13:38,680
Speaker 3: But are we really going on for his desires?

1668
01:13:38,760 --> 01:13:42,120
Speaker 1: If she says she told him she's into women, so

1669
01:13:42,160 --> 01:13:45,679
Speaker 1: he's like, cool, you like women, I like women, let's

1670
01:13:45,720 --> 01:13:48,320
Speaker 1: do women and she's like, fine, let's do women. But

1671
01:13:48,400 --> 01:13:51,320
Speaker 1: now she's like, oh, he's enjoying himself too much. I

1672
01:13:51,320 --> 01:13:53,800
Speaker 1: don't want to do this anymore. So it's like, we

1673
01:13:53,840 --> 01:13:56,120
Speaker 1: can do this only up until I want to do it.

1674
01:13:56,160 --> 01:13:57,599
Speaker 1: I don't see that same thing for him.

1675
01:13:57,760 --> 01:13:59,200
Speaker 4: You know what, I passed you the ball, Deval. I

1676
01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:01,720
Speaker 4: thought you're going to play on team, and now that

1677
01:14:01,800 --> 01:14:04,479
Speaker 4: you're not, your regress I really want to understand.

1678
01:14:04,800 --> 01:14:06,519
Speaker 3: I really want to understand, Like, but.

1679
01:14:06,479 --> 01:14:08,280
Speaker 2: Is it a thing too where it's like you started

1680
01:14:08,280 --> 01:14:10,280
Speaker 2: a bad habit and then now it's like, how do

1681
01:14:10,320 --> 01:14:11,800
Speaker 2: you pull back from that bad habit?

1682
01:14:11,840 --> 01:14:13,519
Speaker 4: What do you think, Shan? So I think that yeah,

1683
01:14:13,520 --> 01:14:15,400
Speaker 4: the step one is just really going back to the

1684
01:14:15,400 --> 01:14:18,320
Speaker 4: fact that it seems like you guys have never addressed

1685
01:14:18,320 --> 01:14:19,960
Speaker 4: the fact that you don't like to have the same

1686
01:14:20,040 --> 01:14:22,639
Speaker 4: kind of sex. Yes, you've never addressed the fact that

1687
01:14:22,760 --> 01:14:25,280
Speaker 4: he's not pleased in the bedroom, he finds it boring,

1688
01:14:25,400 --> 01:14:27,960
Speaker 4: and that you're not excited to do it either, right,

1689
01:14:28,000 --> 01:14:31,240
Speaker 4: And so that's the larger questions. And a part of

1690
01:14:31,280 --> 01:14:34,160
Speaker 4: that is not just you know, a partner base that

1691
01:14:34,160 --> 01:14:37,360
Speaker 4: could be hormonal, that could be her ideals around you

1692
01:14:37,360 --> 01:14:39,080
Speaker 4: know what you're supposed to do when you're married. It

1693
01:14:39,080 --> 01:14:40,800
Speaker 4: could be his ideas or you know, the rules of

1694
01:14:40,800 --> 01:14:43,400
Speaker 4: a wife. There's so much conversations that could have started

1695
01:14:43,439 --> 01:14:47,000
Speaker 4: at that point. So that's already one incompatiy. Incompatibility that

1696
01:14:47,040 --> 01:14:50,679
Speaker 4: you have when you start a relationship. There's hopefully eighty

1697
01:14:50,720 --> 01:14:53,320
Speaker 4: percent of the areas that you have compatibility. The magic

1698
01:14:53,640 --> 01:14:56,160
Speaker 4: we click, we click, we get. There's positives with that

1699
01:14:56,200 --> 01:14:58,439
Speaker 4: because we're on a natural flow. The negative is when

1700
01:14:58,479 --> 01:15:01,360
Speaker 4: we don't click here. Because life is ever changing and

1701
01:15:01,360 --> 01:15:04,360
Speaker 4: we're always changing, sometimes troubleshooting those areas can be hard.

1702
01:15:04,360 --> 01:15:06,160
Speaker 4: If we've always been aligned on finances and all of

1703
01:15:06,200 --> 01:15:08,720
Speaker 4: a sudden something changes, that can be more difficult. So

1704
01:15:08,800 --> 01:15:11,840
Speaker 4: sometimes I actually think incompatibilities from the start are a

1705
01:15:11,880 --> 01:15:14,160
Speaker 4: benefit because you get into the culture of having the

1706
01:15:14,160 --> 01:15:18,400
Speaker 4: hard conversations. But unfortunately you guys saw the incompatibility and

1707
01:15:18,439 --> 01:15:19,439
Speaker 4: did nothing about it.

1708
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:21,720
Speaker 2: That is true, so the conversations weren't being had. It

1709
01:15:21,760 --> 01:15:23,639
Speaker 2: was just like, here's the band aid solution to it.

1710
01:15:23,720 --> 01:15:26,120
Speaker 4: Well, here's a problem. We'll just keep adding knots on

1711
01:15:26,200 --> 01:15:28,000
Speaker 4: top of it and tying it really really tight to

1712
01:15:28,000 --> 01:15:30,439
Speaker 4: try to get those knots out, making the issue worse

1713
01:15:30,479 --> 01:15:32,280
Speaker 4: and then adding to the fact that this guy is

1714
01:15:32,320 --> 01:15:35,360
Speaker 4: probably not monogamous. This is where we can bring in

1715
01:15:35,439 --> 01:15:38,280
Speaker 4: vasuppress and oxytocin into the conversation of like being the

1716
01:15:38,280 --> 01:15:41,120
Speaker 4: bonding hormone, the cuddle hormone. Vas depressing works in a

1717
01:15:41,120 --> 01:15:43,840
Speaker 4: similar way for men, and they don't have studies on

1718
01:15:43,880 --> 01:15:47,960
Speaker 4: this for human brains, but for other animals. For example, moles.

1719
01:15:48,320 --> 01:15:51,360
Speaker 4: They have one mole, prairie mole, and there's volley moles.

1720
01:15:51,479 --> 01:15:55,000
Speaker 4: One of those moles is very promiscuous and never settles down.

1721
01:15:55,120 --> 01:15:58,240
Speaker 4: The other is extremely monogamous, and they studied it because

1722
01:15:58,400 --> 01:16:01,040
Speaker 4: they look the exact same hole. But the difference is

1723
01:16:01,160 --> 01:16:03,280
Speaker 4: one of the moles has heavy amounts of vasive pressing

1724
01:16:03,320 --> 01:16:03,800
Speaker 4: in their brain.

1725
01:16:04,000 --> 01:16:04,599
Speaker 3: Is that to be said?

1726
01:16:04,600 --> 01:16:07,360
Speaker 4: There could be an argument that some people are just

1727
01:16:07,560 --> 01:16:12,320
Speaker 4: naturally not designed for monogamy. And so it sounds like

1728
01:16:12,439 --> 01:16:15,559
Speaker 4: her partner is like really excited by the idea. You

1729
01:16:15,560 --> 01:16:19,360
Speaker 4: know that quote that you gave new pussy is what's

1730
01:16:19,360 --> 01:16:20,160
Speaker 4: the official quote?

1731
01:16:20,160 --> 01:16:22,960
Speaker 3: There is no pussy is better than new pussy.

1732
01:16:23,360 --> 01:16:25,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, And there are some people who are like, I

1733
01:16:25,080 --> 01:16:27,280
Speaker 4: have no idea what you're talking about, Like the known,

1734
01:16:27,439 --> 01:16:30,920
Speaker 4: the comfort, the exploration, the safety, like, that's what's good

1735
01:16:30,960 --> 01:16:33,960
Speaker 4: pussy to me, and that person is never going to

1736
01:16:34,040 --> 01:16:36,680
Speaker 4: understand or empathize with you because their brain is so

1737
01:16:36,760 --> 01:16:37,519
Speaker 4: attracted to novelge.

1738
01:16:37,560 --> 01:16:38,080
Speaker 3: Absolutely.

1739
01:16:38,200 --> 01:16:40,160
Speaker 4: So I just think that if we acknowledge that that's

1740
01:16:40,200 --> 01:16:42,519
Speaker 4: probably an incompatibility that they have on top of the

1741
01:16:42,680 --> 01:16:46,600
Speaker 4: other incompatibility, and then we get into another incompatibility that

1742
01:16:46,600 --> 01:16:49,680
Speaker 4: they have, which comes with just respect or like what

1743
01:16:49,720 --> 01:16:52,559
Speaker 4: their mutual long term goals are for the relationship. So

1744
01:16:52,600 --> 01:16:55,080
Speaker 4: it's a hot mess and it's a lot.

1745
01:16:55,360 --> 01:16:57,040
Speaker 1: I think she needs to address the fact that she's

1746
01:16:57,080 --> 01:16:59,880
Speaker 1: into women too. She's married to a man. Maybe you do,

1747
01:17:00,000 --> 01:17:02,200
Speaker 1: I don't like to have sex with him often because

1748
01:17:02,240 --> 01:17:05,120
Speaker 1: you're into women. You know, if she's into a women, right,

1749
01:17:05,120 --> 01:17:06,639
Speaker 1: and she wants to have sex with women, but she's

1750
01:17:06,640 --> 01:17:08,360
Speaker 1: married to a man, of course she don't want to

1751
01:17:08,360 --> 01:17:09,400
Speaker 1: have sex with him every day.

1752
01:17:09,520 --> 01:17:10,120
Speaker 4: I didn't hear that.

1753
01:17:10,160 --> 01:17:12,240
Speaker 3: Did you hear that that she was just woman?

1754
01:17:12,280 --> 01:17:14,320
Speaker 4: She did feel like she I did hear that, But

1755
01:17:14,360 --> 01:17:16,680
Speaker 4: I feel like it was I gave him permission to

1756
01:17:16,720 --> 01:17:19,240
Speaker 4: have sex with other women because I recognize that I

1757
01:17:19,240 --> 01:17:21,880
Speaker 4: didn't want to satisfy his drive. That bothered me that

1758
01:17:21,920 --> 01:17:23,960
Speaker 4: he was doing that so then I thought to myself,

1759
01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:26,840
Speaker 4: I guess I could participate because I'm kind of attracted

1760
01:17:26,840 --> 01:17:29,320
Speaker 4: to women. She started participating in order to see if

1761
01:17:29,320 --> 01:17:31,400
Speaker 4: that could satisfy him, so at least she's still involved.

1762
01:17:31,680 --> 01:17:33,439
Speaker 4: And then she's so happy with me that she wasn't

1763
01:17:33,439 --> 01:17:34,840
Speaker 4: really enthusiastic about that either.

1764
01:17:35,520 --> 01:17:37,840
Speaker 3: So you think that she's just not enthusiastic about sex

1765
01:17:37,920 --> 01:17:40,320
Speaker 3: period or women or men. It could be.

1766
01:17:40,640 --> 01:17:42,559
Speaker 4: I think she said she had some soul play with

1767
01:17:42,600 --> 01:17:44,439
Speaker 4: women that she liked, so maybe it couldn't That's what

1768
01:17:44,479 --> 01:17:44,800
Speaker 4: I'm saying.

1769
01:17:44,880 --> 01:17:47,080
Speaker 1: That's why I thought, maybe she's into women and maybe

1770
01:17:47,120 --> 01:17:49,720
Speaker 1: that's what skits her aroused. But she could be a

1771
01:17:49,760 --> 01:17:52,160
Speaker 1: traditional woman that says, I have to marry a man,

1772
01:17:52,320 --> 01:17:54,559
Speaker 1: so if I want kids, if I got to do

1773
01:17:54,560 --> 01:17:55,000
Speaker 1: it this way.

1774
01:17:55,040 --> 01:17:57,680
Speaker 4: But maybe she trying to figure it out, figure it out.

1775
01:17:58,040 --> 01:17:59,240
Speaker 2: I was looking back to see if she gave an

1776
01:17:59,240 --> 01:18:00,960
Speaker 2: age too, because I mean not to say that there's

1777
01:18:01,000 --> 01:18:04,720
Speaker 2: an age women on like the journey and the exploration process,

1778
01:18:04,800 --> 01:18:06,960
Speaker 2: but sometimes when you jump into things super early, you're

1779
01:18:07,360 --> 01:18:09,120
Speaker 2: you're still trying to figure yourself out and figure out

1780
01:18:09,120 --> 01:18:10,280
Speaker 2: what you like or what you don't like.

1781
01:18:10,680 --> 01:18:13,960
Speaker 4: Oh well, most women watch women on women porn. As

1782
01:18:14,000 --> 01:18:15,800
Speaker 4: a stat may not be true for you, but I

1783
01:18:15,800 --> 01:18:17,040
Speaker 4: know it was true for me when I started to

1784
01:18:17,120 --> 01:18:22,200
Speaker 4: voice that that I don't identify as being bisexual or homosexual,

1785
01:18:22,320 --> 01:18:23,920
Speaker 4: and what you're not supposed to say, queer, I don't

1786
01:18:23,960 --> 01:18:28,680
Speaker 4: identify as being a lesbian or bisexual. But I exclusively

1787
01:18:28,840 --> 01:18:32,880
Speaker 4: watch women on women porn. Why because when I watch

1788
01:18:32,920 --> 01:18:35,080
Speaker 4: what they do to each other, I'm like, that looks exciting.

1789
01:18:35,439 --> 01:18:37,720
Speaker 4: When I see a man in a porn and non

1790
01:18:37,760 --> 01:18:40,200
Speaker 4: ethical porn especially, none of that seems fun to me.

1791
01:18:40,400 --> 01:18:42,360
Speaker 4: I don't want to be her. I don't want to

1792
01:18:42,400 --> 01:18:46,200
Speaker 4: be him. So in essence, maybe it's something she's attracted

1793
01:18:46,280 --> 01:18:48,960
Speaker 4: or sexually attracted to women, But whatever her husband is

1794
01:18:49,000 --> 01:18:52,000
Speaker 4: doing is so far from what she likes that she

1795
01:18:52,120 --> 01:18:54,160
Speaker 4: knows she can't have sex another man. But at least

1796
01:18:54,160 --> 01:18:56,760
Speaker 4: when she's with another woman, the things that she likes

1797
01:18:56,800 --> 01:18:59,360
Speaker 4: are part of the conversation, the repertoire. So just meing

1798
01:18:59,400 --> 01:19:02,400
Speaker 4: like we're having a good conversation here to really just

1799
01:19:02,520 --> 01:19:06,519
Speaker 4: address there's a lot of there's a lot. There's a lot,

1800
01:19:07,800 --> 01:19:10,000
Speaker 4: and if you go back, you just have to go

1801
01:19:10,439 --> 01:19:11,400
Speaker 4: link by link here.

1802
01:19:11,720 --> 01:19:15,439
Speaker 1: Yes, they've been together eight years one year marriage. That's

1803
01:19:15,520 --> 01:19:18,080
Speaker 1: almost a decade. It seems like they've never had a

1804
01:19:18,120 --> 01:19:21,280
Speaker 1: conversation about sex, and that's part of the problem, because

1805
01:19:21,280 --> 01:19:24,040
Speaker 1: if you'd have had that conversation early, you would know

1806
01:19:24,040 --> 01:19:25,080
Speaker 1: how to make the adjustments.

1807
01:19:25,080 --> 01:19:27,240
Speaker 4: That's a good point I would say too, Like the

1808
01:19:27,320 --> 01:19:29,720
Speaker 4: kind of lesson that I got from your guys is

1809
01:19:29,720 --> 01:19:31,759
Speaker 4: because you're trying to offer advice, because I think about

1810
01:19:31,920 --> 01:19:34,800
Speaker 4: you did such a funny reenactment of the nice and

1811
01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:37,360
Speaker 4: neat guys. Their response when you were like, we're still

1812
01:19:37,360 --> 01:19:41,800
Speaker 4: working on it, and they all do that this is

1813
01:19:41,800 --> 01:19:42,400
Speaker 4: my future.

1814
01:19:42,680 --> 01:19:48,160
Speaker 2: What two of them are married and one engaged, right

1815
01:19:48,280 --> 01:19:49,320
Speaker 2: is that what his yeah?

1816
01:19:49,520 --> 01:19:50,360
Speaker 4: Or newly married?

1817
01:19:50,520 --> 01:19:54,280
Speaker 2: I think Omar had celebrated one year to engage, and

1818
01:19:54,320 --> 01:19:55,759
Speaker 2: then Jalan is married.

1819
01:19:55,880 --> 01:19:57,080
Speaker 3: I'm not sure he's engaged.

1820
01:19:57,120 --> 01:19:58,960
Speaker 4: He's engaged. It's getting married next month.

1821
01:19:58,960 --> 01:20:01,040
Speaker 2: So yeah, these are all like they're fresh and they're

1822
01:20:01,080 --> 01:20:02,280
Speaker 2: just like, when's this going to end?

1823
01:20:02,360 --> 01:20:03,280
Speaker 4: And it's never gonna end.

1824
01:20:03,320 --> 01:20:05,559
Speaker 3: When I said we still work on it, they all.

1825
01:20:05,479 --> 01:20:08,479
Speaker 4: Literally was like, but the work is so different now.

1826
01:20:08,560 --> 01:20:11,160
Speaker 4: It's like joyful, cooperative work and it doesn't have to

1827
01:20:11,240 --> 01:20:14,080
Speaker 4: be as frequent. That troubleshooting is less and so if

1828
01:20:14,120 --> 01:20:16,400
Speaker 4: you were to give advice to them of like, look,

1829
01:20:16,439 --> 01:20:18,000
Speaker 4: it doesn't have to take you as long as it

1830
01:20:18,040 --> 01:20:20,360
Speaker 4: took us, But that's because it took us a long

1831
01:20:20,439 --> 01:20:24,519
Speaker 4: time to baseline respect where each person was at. And again,

1832
01:20:24,680 --> 01:20:29,080
Speaker 4: respect not being a label but a verb. I actually

1833
01:20:29,120 --> 01:20:32,160
Speaker 4: got the time to understand your body and a research postpartum.

1834
01:20:32,200 --> 01:20:34,320
Speaker 4: I actually understood what your drives are and what your

1835
01:20:34,360 --> 01:20:36,599
Speaker 4: needs are and why you know that story you told

1836
01:20:36,600 --> 01:20:39,040
Speaker 4: about growing up that's such an aha for Like, that's

1837
01:20:39,080 --> 01:20:41,080
Speaker 4: why this is so important to you in a marriage.

1838
01:20:41,120 --> 01:20:43,559
Speaker 4: Like when you respect somebody, like you take that time

1839
01:20:43,600 --> 01:20:46,880
Speaker 4: to explore and really get them and accept them. Now

1840
01:20:46,920 --> 01:20:49,479
Speaker 4: that doesn't mean that you can't then say we accept

1841
01:20:49,520 --> 01:20:51,519
Speaker 4: and I get why where you're where you're at. Now,

1842
01:20:51,600 --> 01:20:54,400
Speaker 4: let's work on improving that and moving it somewhere. It's

1843
01:20:54,439 --> 01:20:57,240
Speaker 4: a combination of respect than reject that has to happen.

1844
01:20:57,520 --> 01:20:59,640
Speaker 4: But people just skip over the respect part and just

1845
01:20:59,680 --> 01:21:02,040
Speaker 4: reject and say something is wrong with you. This has

1846
01:21:02,040 --> 01:21:03,200
Speaker 4: to change, just has to fix.

1847
01:21:03,280 --> 01:21:06,160
Speaker 1: So don't skip over to respect just to go straight

1848
01:21:06,200 --> 01:21:07,040
Speaker 1: to the reject.

1849
01:21:07,080 --> 01:21:09,120
Speaker 3: I like that, and you know mostimate, like I do.

1850
01:21:09,200 --> 01:21:11,760
Speaker 4: Respect and respects such a big word, but like understanding

1851
01:21:11,800 --> 01:21:13,640
Speaker 4: what comes with that and the work that comes that.

1852
01:21:13,800 --> 01:21:15,960
Speaker 4: Maybe you don't really really skip over that, and maybe

1853
01:21:15,960 --> 01:21:18,360
Speaker 4: that's just the TLDR for them, is that this is

1854
01:21:18,439 --> 01:21:21,360
Speaker 4: just like this whole thing reeks of a lack of respect.

1855
01:21:22,360 --> 01:21:22,760
Speaker 3: It does.

1856
01:21:23,120 --> 01:21:25,599
Speaker 2: So then if you were to chat with them, what's

1857
01:21:25,680 --> 01:21:28,360
Speaker 2: what's the first step? Is it like dial to dial

1858
01:21:28,400 --> 01:21:30,479
Speaker 2: back all of the layers and to kind of get

1859
01:21:30,520 --> 01:21:35,920
Speaker 2: to the now, you know, not free necklace or chain?

1860
01:21:36,160 --> 01:21:37,800
Speaker 4: What would be the first step.

1861
01:21:40,120 --> 01:21:42,880
Speaker 3: You'd have to talk?

1862
01:21:42,960 --> 01:21:44,840
Speaker 4: I don't even know. I mean that could be. I'm

1863
01:21:44,880 --> 01:21:49,200
Speaker 4: not somebody. I've never been to therapy before. I've been

1864
01:21:49,240 --> 01:21:52,040
Speaker 4: to I've been to therapists, but I've never really like

1865
01:21:52,080 --> 01:21:54,800
Speaker 4: engaged long term in like the therapeutic process. I actually

1866
01:21:54,840 --> 01:21:57,960
Speaker 4: tried group therapy recently, like maybe this is my thing.

1867
01:21:58,200 --> 01:22:00,680
Speaker 4: It was a retreat. I literally was like, I gotta leave.

1868
01:22:00,720 --> 01:22:04,080
Speaker 4: It's just not doesn't worry.

1869
01:22:04,080 --> 01:22:04,519
Speaker 3: I'm better.

1870
01:22:04,720 --> 01:22:07,639
Speaker 4: I'm better with self help. Yes, I'm better with teachers.

1871
01:22:07,640 --> 01:22:09,920
Speaker 4: I'm better with mentors, I'm better with guides. Right, it's

1872
01:22:09,960 --> 01:22:12,040
Speaker 4: kind of like us a couple of goals. Like people

1873
01:22:12,040 --> 01:22:13,360
Speaker 4: don't like that you guys are a couple of goals

1874
01:22:13,360 --> 01:22:16,320
Speaker 4: to me, I learned so much from you. What Oh

1875
01:22:16,360 --> 01:22:17,400
Speaker 4: my god, we can't really talk about that.

1876
01:22:17,479 --> 01:22:19,839
Speaker 1: It's such a it's such a high standard and pedestal,

1877
01:22:19,880 --> 01:22:21,599
Speaker 1: and I hate I don't want to ever feit.

1878
01:22:21,720 --> 01:22:22,760
Speaker 3: I don't want people to ever.

1879
01:22:22,680 --> 01:22:25,760
Speaker 1: Feel like we walk around like follow us, because I

1880
01:22:25,840 --> 01:22:28,559
Speaker 1: legit don't feel like that. I legit feel like, please

1881
01:22:28,600 --> 01:22:31,439
Speaker 1: watch us go through this journey as we make mistakes,

1882
01:22:31,439 --> 01:22:34,400
Speaker 1: so that you can learn how not to make the

1883
01:22:34,439 --> 01:22:36,519
Speaker 1: same mistakes we had, you know what I'm saying. But

1884
01:22:36,520 --> 01:22:38,400
Speaker 1: I would never say with a couple of goals, because

1885
01:22:38,760 --> 01:22:42,040
Speaker 1: there's some things that I look at us now from

1886
01:22:42,080 --> 01:22:44,600
Speaker 1: back then. I'm like, I would never do that, you

1887
01:22:44,640 --> 01:22:46,640
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So maybe it's just the word.

1888
01:22:46,760 --> 01:22:48,720
Speaker 4: Part of the goal. I mean, we could debate this

1889
01:22:48,760 --> 01:22:54,519
Speaker 4: all day long. You're my couple's goals letters, you know,

1890
01:22:54,800 --> 01:22:56,840
Speaker 4: and just that those are the ways that I learned.

1891
01:22:57,840 --> 01:23:02,040
Speaker 4: And some people need a need a guide. I actually

1892
01:23:02,080 --> 01:23:04,280
Speaker 4: listened to a podcast where a guy somebody was like,

1893
01:23:04,320 --> 01:23:06,880
Speaker 4: you've changed so much, Like how did you do it?

1894
01:23:06,960 --> 01:23:09,320
Speaker 4: He's like, I can't take any credit. I needed a therapist.

1895
01:23:09,600 --> 01:23:11,439
Speaker 4: I'm not the kind of person who does well with

1896
01:23:11,439 --> 01:23:13,720
Speaker 4: self help. I need a guide, So they have to

1897
01:23:13,760 --> 01:23:17,640
Speaker 4: first decide that are they going to look at these

1898
01:23:17,720 --> 01:23:20,800
Speaker 4: knots together and engage in that slow, methodical process and

1899
01:23:20,840 --> 01:23:24,040
Speaker 4: then enlist helps in the self help way, or are

1900
01:23:24,040 --> 01:23:26,080
Speaker 4: they just going to go and find the right therapist,

1901
01:23:26,160 --> 01:23:27,360
Speaker 4: which is a job all of them.

1902
01:23:28,240 --> 01:23:31,400
Speaker 2: It's like a dating courting process. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

1903
01:23:32,040 --> 01:23:34,799
Speaker 2: All right, Well, good luck to you assists. I'm hoping

1904
01:23:34,840 --> 01:23:38,559
Speaker 2: that they can if they both are so inclined to

1905
01:23:38,600 --> 01:23:40,479
Speaker 2: want to work through this scene. It's only one year

1906
01:23:40,800 --> 01:23:41,439
Speaker 2: in married.

1907
01:23:43,760 --> 01:23:48,920
Speaker 3: Does that mean like you could leave now if you

1908
01:23:48,960 --> 01:23:49,200
Speaker 3: want it.

1909
01:23:49,160 --> 01:23:51,679
Speaker 4: I mean you were only married for a year period.

1910
01:23:52,040 --> 01:23:54,200
Speaker 2: Now. We're always going to err on the side of

1911
01:23:54,280 --> 01:23:56,240
Speaker 2: like we hope people can stay together and be in

1912
01:23:56,280 --> 01:23:58,480
Speaker 2: love and work it out, but we're also very realistic

1913
01:23:58,520 --> 01:24:01,639
Speaker 2: and knowing like sometimes things just don't walk.

1914
01:24:01,439 --> 01:24:02,400
Speaker 4: Out what we're saying.

1915
01:24:02,560 --> 01:24:04,320
Speaker 3: The mole analogy was perfect.

1916
01:24:04,760 --> 01:24:07,720
Speaker 1: These moles look exactly the same, but their brains and

1917
01:24:07,760 --> 01:24:10,599
Speaker 1: everything is a completely different And if we expect all

1918
01:24:10,680 --> 01:24:13,439
Speaker 1: moles to act like the way they look, we're gonna

1919
01:24:13,439 --> 01:24:16,040
Speaker 1: have problems. And I think it's the same thing for people.

1920
01:24:16,320 --> 01:24:19,439
Speaker 1: You can't force marriage or monogamy or what's your ideas

1921
01:24:19,479 --> 01:24:22,280
Speaker 1: of monogamy and marriage look like on everyone. They have

1922
01:24:22,320 --> 01:24:23,120
Speaker 1: to figure that out.

1923
01:24:23,240 --> 01:24:26,679
Speaker 2: So that's and be honest with each other, like you know, like.

1924
01:24:26,800 --> 01:24:30,559
Speaker 3: That was a clip atle bit cooked a little bit,

1925
01:24:31,840 --> 01:24:32,639
Speaker 3: but also.

1926
01:24:32,439 --> 01:24:34,320
Speaker 2: Being honest, like if you know that you're just not

1927
01:24:34,360 --> 01:24:36,320
Speaker 2: cut out for monogamy, if you know that you want

1928
01:24:36,360 --> 01:24:39,040
Speaker 2: to be with multiple people, just be honest about the

1929
01:24:39,040 --> 01:24:41,879
Speaker 2: way you feel like marriage is not for everyone.

1930
01:24:41,960 --> 01:24:46,400
Speaker 4: And that's okay. They've ever had that conversation, Yes, that's

1931
01:24:46,400 --> 01:24:49,400
Speaker 4: what that seems. Start there, Start there, have the conversation.

1932
01:24:50,080 --> 01:24:50,519
Speaker 3: There you go.

1933
01:24:50,920 --> 01:24:52,599
Speaker 2: All right, y'all, if you want to be featured as

1934
01:24:52,640 --> 01:24:55,400
Speaker 2: one of our listener letters, be sure to write into

1935
01:24:55,439 --> 01:24:56,240
Speaker 2: the listener books.

1936
01:24:59,120 --> 01:25:00,839
Speaker 4: One The thing is in their defense.

1937
01:25:01,200 --> 01:25:03,840
Speaker 2: Sometimes we get like a paragraph and we're like, we

1938
01:25:03,920 --> 01:25:08,360
Speaker 2: have no context. We don't know how to give our

1939
01:25:08,360 --> 01:25:10,559
Speaker 2: two cents because you have not given us all the

1940
01:25:10,600 --> 01:25:13,880
Speaker 2: tools to be successful. So we do ask for like,

1941
01:25:14,120 --> 01:25:17,160
Speaker 2: give us some context, so you know, three cards worth is.

1942
01:25:17,040 --> 01:25:18,840
Speaker 1: I guess you know we have to start asking people

1943
01:25:18,960 --> 01:25:20,559
Speaker 1: minimum not just for context.

1944
01:25:20,640 --> 01:25:21,479
Speaker 3: From your side.

1945
01:25:21,600 --> 01:25:25,200
Speaker 1: I wish people rolled in together because sometimes we get

1946
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,720
Speaker 1: we get stories from guys and girls and we can

1947
01:25:27,760 --> 01:25:29,360
Speaker 1: read through the lines and be like you wrote this

1948
01:25:29,439 --> 01:25:31,720
Speaker 1: by yourself. We don't know the other person's side of

1949
01:25:31,720 --> 01:25:33,799
Speaker 1: the story, and this sounds crazy, right, that's.

1950
01:25:33,600 --> 01:25:35,280
Speaker 4: The gift of the two of you two because your

1951
01:25:35,360 --> 01:25:38,759
Speaker 4: interpretation of this was so different than mine and maybe yours.

1952
01:25:38,800 --> 01:25:41,400
Speaker 4: Maybe we were closer, Oh yeah yeah, and then you

1953
01:25:41,479 --> 01:25:43,240
Speaker 4: just took it. I was just like, oh, we're playing

1954
01:25:43,240 --> 01:25:45,280
Speaker 4: badminton pickleball.

1955
01:25:45,600 --> 01:25:47,360
Speaker 3: Well, no, one thing I like to do is I

1956
01:25:47,400 --> 01:25:48,439
Speaker 3: like to play Devil's advocate.

1957
01:25:48,560 --> 01:25:51,640
Speaker 4: Yes, because I love that the idea or concept of

1958
01:25:51,880 --> 01:25:54,200
Speaker 4: you guys both getting to get both perspectives and then

1959
01:25:54,240 --> 01:25:57,000
Speaker 4: give that I learned from you and that Oh that's good.

1960
01:25:57,040 --> 01:25:58,800
Speaker 2: No, all right, we'll pick that up too, y'all, and

1961
01:25:58,880 --> 01:26:02,000
Speaker 2: right into us and Dead Advice at gmail dot com.

1962
01:26:02,160 --> 01:26:04,479
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D

1963
01:26:04,640 --> 01:26:07,719
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com.

1964
01:26:07,800 --> 01:26:10,000
Speaker 2: All right, Shannon, know it's been five years, but you know,

1965
01:26:10,040 --> 01:26:12,880
Speaker 2: we typically wrap up the conversations with a moment of

1966
01:26:12,920 --> 01:26:17,040
Speaker 2: truth and that's pretty much your your takeaway. The culmination

1967
01:26:17,120 --> 01:26:20,400
Speaker 2: of the conversation today, which was very very deep, and

1968
01:26:20,439 --> 01:26:21,400
Speaker 2: it was had.

1969
01:26:21,320 --> 01:26:23,040
Speaker 4: Breath and it was long and it was wide and

1970
01:26:23,080 --> 01:26:24,800
Speaker 4: all that stuff. That's what she said.

1971
01:26:25,680 --> 01:26:31,360
Speaker 2: But what is something that you can leave our listeners

1972
01:26:31,560 --> 01:26:36,400
Speaker 2: with in a nutshell, Oh, we're just having all the nutshell.

1973
01:26:36,080 --> 01:26:36,679
Speaker 4: All that today.

1974
01:26:37,160 --> 01:26:38,960
Speaker 2: What is it that you can tell our listeners that

1975
01:26:39,000 --> 01:26:41,719
Speaker 2: they can take away from this episode, any piece of advice.

1976
01:26:41,960 --> 01:26:44,000
Speaker 4: I feel like the point of this episode was really

1977
01:26:44,040 --> 01:26:48,960
Speaker 4: to talk about the unconditional positive regard. Right, just having

1978
01:26:49,439 --> 01:26:54,400
Speaker 4: a glowing mentality towards your partner. But that doesn't mean

1979
01:26:54,600 --> 01:26:57,080
Speaker 4: that you don't hold your partner accountable. Both things can

1980
01:26:57,120 --> 01:27:00,240
Speaker 4: be true, right, somebody can be wonderful and why and

1981
01:27:00,320 --> 01:27:02,840
Speaker 4: also have a lot of room for growth that would

1982
01:27:02,840 --> 01:27:05,560
Speaker 4: be mutually beneficial. So I think that the formula for

1983
01:27:05,680 --> 01:27:10,880
Speaker 4: that is that respect and reject Like, I respect, I understand,

1984
01:27:11,000 --> 01:27:14,240
Speaker 4: I acknowledge, I affirm why you are, how you are

1985
01:27:14,280 --> 01:27:16,599
Speaker 4: and where you're at right now, and I reject that

1986
01:27:16,600 --> 01:27:19,439
Speaker 4: that this is all that there is. I think that together,

1987
01:27:19,479 --> 01:27:24,280
Speaker 4: through partnership, I think that through individual exploration, we can

1988
01:27:24,320 --> 01:27:27,240
Speaker 4: find ourselves at a different reality that maybe is more

1989
01:27:27,280 --> 01:27:29,519
Speaker 4: aligned with what both of us ultimately desire.

1990
01:27:30,560 --> 01:27:31,599
Speaker 3: You cook that drop.

1991
01:27:32,320 --> 01:27:38,479
Speaker 4: When you started swirling, I was like that, and that

1992
01:27:38,600 --> 01:27:40,320
Speaker 4: means that it comes out a lot of like black

1993
01:27:40,320 --> 01:27:42,280
Speaker 4: women on podcasts, And then they had to come up

1994
01:27:42,280 --> 01:27:44,559
Speaker 4: with all these ways of being, like when you cook,

1995
01:27:45,320 --> 01:27:48,960
Speaker 4: that's when you can feed. And I was like, when

1996
01:27:49,000 --> 01:27:51,400
Speaker 4: I start to feel like, oh my god, stick the

1997
01:27:51,479 --> 01:27:57,200
Speaker 4: landing you that it was a great high note to

1998
01:27:57,280 --> 01:27:58,800
Speaker 4: leave it on. We leave it leading to shan.

1999
01:27:58,880 --> 01:28:03,120
Speaker 1: Today was about the positive regard. That's literally what mine

2000
01:28:03,200 --> 01:28:05,360
Speaker 1: was about. So I got nothing to add to that.

2001
01:28:05,400 --> 01:28:08,400
Speaker 2: And mine is about the exploration, like the journey, the

2002
01:28:08,479 --> 01:28:12,839
Speaker 2: process of you know, figuring each other out and pouring

2003
01:28:12,840 --> 01:28:14,519
Speaker 2: into each other and seeing what you like and you

2004
01:28:14,560 --> 01:28:17,000
Speaker 2: don't like, and having the continued conversation.

2005
01:28:17,640 --> 01:28:20,439
Speaker 3: I will just add this, it's breath like.

2006
01:28:20,520 --> 01:28:23,800
Speaker 1: It's a fresh of breath air because there's so many Yeah,

2007
01:28:23,800 --> 01:28:27,639
Speaker 1: it was a breath of fresh air that so many

2008
01:28:27,640 --> 01:28:30,200
Speaker 1: people say with podcasts or people claim to be experts,

2009
01:28:30,240 --> 01:28:33,439
Speaker 1: they're only claiming one thing. Here we have a young

2010
01:28:33,520 --> 01:28:37,240
Speaker 1: lady who's married, has two young daughters sitting here, my wife,

2011
01:28:37,240 --> 01:28:41,080
Speaker 1: and we're talking about accountability but also positive regard. Because

2012
01:28:41,120 --> 01:28:43,559
Speaker 1: people like to be combative when it comes to sex,

2013
01:28:44,000 --> 01:28:46,439
Speaker 1: we were able to have a conversation about sex, not

2014
01:28:46,520 --> 01:28:50,000
Speaker 1: be combative, disagree about a listener letter, not be combative.

2015
01:28:50,040 --> 01:28:51,400
Speaker 3: It's just a breath of fresh air.

2016
01:28:51,439 --> 01:28:53,960
Speaker 1: For me to have these conversations in a space where

2017
01:28:54,000 --> 01:28:56,760
Speaker 1: I can speak my piece as a man, but also listen.

2018
01:28:56,479 --> 01:28:59,479
Speaker 2: And learn, and for me feel vulnerable enough to feel

2019
01:28:59,479 --> 01:29:01,720
Speaker 2: like I'm safe if you know, my husband on one

2020
01:29:01,760 --> 01:29:04,320
Speaker 2: side and Shan on the other, to create a safe

2021
01:29:04,320 --> 01:29:05,960
Speaker 2: space for me to like open up about this.

2022
01:29:06,160 --> 01:29:08,720
Speaker 4: I feel so Yeah. One thing we're gonna be all

2023
01:29:08,760 --> 01:29:10,479
Speaker 4: is dead ass. You know, you may have a couple of.

2024
01:29:10,479 --> 01:29:13,679
Speaker 2: Tears, but we're gonna be honest about how we feel.

2025
01:29:13,800 --> 01:29:15,720
Speaker 2: And we love that we have this safe space that

2026
01:29:15,760 --> 01:29:21,719
Speaker 2: we've created. And Shan, thank you so so I think

2027
01:29:21,720 --> 01:29:24,479
Speaker 2: we can have her on every season. It's like, yeah, again,

2028
01:29:25,000 --> 01:29:26,640
Speaker 2: here we are because there's a lot of things that

2029
01:29:26,800 --> 01:29:27,960
Speaker 2: always have to be unpacked.

2030
01:29:28,000 --> 01:29:30,040
Speaker 1: Remember there were two seasons we didn't talk about sex,

2031
01:29:30,080 --> 01:29:33,080
Speaker 1: and people asked there was no sex episode this year.

2032
01:29:33,439 --> 01:29:35,759
Speaker 1: You're right because people continue to want to see the journey.

2033
01:29:35,760 --> 01:29:38,120
Speaker 1: They want to see like how are they doing? So

2034
01:29:38,160 --> 01:29:39,120
Speaker 1: Chang you the best, y'all.

2035
01:29:39,160 --> 01:29:40,240
Speaker 4: Well, you know what, take it away.

2036
01:29:40,280 --> 01:29:43,719
Speaker 2: Don't follow us for that, you can follow Shan. Yes,

2037
01:29:43,840 --> 01:29:45,720
Speaker 2: we can follow Shan. Thank you, giving you all the

2038
01:29:45,760 --> 01:29:48,400
Speaker 2: flowers and everything going it all, giving you a little

2039
01:29:48,439 --> 01:29:50,599
Speaker 2: lap dance, everything all at the same time because I'm

2040
01:29:50,640 --> 01:29:56,080
Speaker 2: just so incredibly happy. She's ready. She's ready for them,

2041
01:29:56,600 --> 01:30:01,040
Speaker 2: my girl, So tell everyone we're they can follow you

2042
01:30:01,120 --> 01:30:04,679
Speaker 2: to be educated about all things sham.

2043
01:30:05,240 --> 01:30:06,920
Speaker 4: It depends when this is coming out, but I've just

2044
01:30:06,960 --> 01:30:09,080
Speaker 4: been rebuilding. I'm turning forty next year.

2045
01:30:09,080 --> 01:30:11,719
Speaker 3: Guys, welcome today. I can't wait.

2046
01:30:12,240 --> 01:30:15,040
Speaker 4: And it just created such an identity crisis this year

2047
01:30:15,040 --> 01:30:17,360
Speaker 4: that I didn't know it was that until I really

2048
01:30:17,400 --> 01:30:19,920
Speaker 4: assessed it. So I was like, I work out to

2049
01:30:19,920 --> 01:30:25,920
Speaker 4: be a different Yeah, it was just now really assessing.

2050
01:30:25,960 --> 01:30:27,639
Speaker 4: I'm just thinking about the next decade of my life.

2051
01:30:27,680 --> 01:30:29,840
Speaker 4: So I've actually been restructuring my whole brand. So in

2052
01:30:29,840 --> 01:30:33,280
Speaker 4: February it'll be Lovers by Shan dot Com. Before that,

2053
01:30:33,640 --> 01:30:36,120
Speaker 4: I guess it'll be Instagram or you know, but I

2054
01:30:36,120 --> 01:30:38,759
Speaker 4: think the stay tuned for February. That's when I'm really excited,

2055
01:30:38,840 --> 01:30:42,240
Speaker 4: you know, launching everything that I'm really passionate about in

2056
01:30:42,240 --> 01:30:44,840
Speaker 4: a way that feels just so on brand for not

2057
01:30:44,920 --> 01:30:47,120
Speaker 4: just me, but the potential me that I'm growing into.

2058
01:30:47,160 --> 01:30:47,760
Speaker 3: Well, let us know.

2059
01:30:47,840 --> 01:30:49,960
Speaker 1: We'll do a follow up episode with the new branding

2060
01:30:50,080 --> 01:30:52,720
Speaker 1: and anything, because girl, I will tell you, and I

2061
01:30:52,760 --> 01:30:53,479
Speaker 1: will tell y'all.

2062
01:30:53,760 --> 01:30:56,479
Speaker 3: Is that your savings that I have learned has helped

2063
01:30:56,479 --> 01:30:57,320
Speaker 3: me in the bedroom.

2064
01:30:57,560 --> 01:30:59,679
Speaker 4: I can attest that you.

2065
01:31:00,080 --> 01:31:02,559
Speaker 1: Literally really be wanting to hug you because we'll do

2066
01:31:02,640 --> 01:31:05,040
Speaker 1: stuff and she'll be like, Shell be like, and I'll

2067
01:31:05,040 --> 01:31:09,200
Speaker 1: be like, Shan.

2068
01:31:07,720 --> 01:31:09,080
Speaker 4: You're literally a household.

2069
01:31:09,400 --> 01:31:13,040
Speaker 1: I told her about specifically to go in and go up.

2070
01:31:13,200 --> 01:31:15,400
Speaker 1: I learned about going in and going up, like, yo,

2071
01:31:15,439 --> 01:31:17,639
Speaker 1: I'm telling y'all have no idea. I've warned so much

2072
01:31:17,640 --> 01:31:19,240
Speaker 1: about the woman's body. But she'd be like, oh, and

2073
01:31:19,280 --> 01:31:19,720
Speaker 1: I'd be like.

2074
01:31:19,720 --> 01:31:23,400
Speaker 4: Yeah, I learned this. Give Shan her props for him

2075
01:31:23,439 --> 01:31:26,680
Speaker 4: stretching more now too. He's like, it's the hip flexures.

2076
01:31:26,720 --> 01:31:27,880
Speaker 4: The flexibility can.

2077
01:31:27,760 --> 01:31:31,560
Speaker 2: Get me to get into positions that I meditate stress.

2078
01:31:31,880 --> 01:31:34,080
Speaker 4: So in the forties we're continuing.

2079
01:31:34,080 --> 01:31:39,360
Speaker 1: Absolutely, girl, girl, I'm gonna give you a big hug yo, like,

2080
01:31:39,400 --> 01:31:41,880
Speaker 1: because I just feel I feel like I'm doing my

2081
01:31:42,040 --> 01:31:44,519
Speaker 1: husbandly duties. When you can take care of a woman

2082
01:31:44,560 --> 01:31:46,400
Speaker 1: that you're asking y'all need you to have sex four

2083
01:31:46,479 --> 01:31:47,360
Speaker 1: or five times a week.

2084
01:31:47,560 --> 01:31:49,320
Speaker 3: I want to know why I'm doing my part.

2085
01:31:49,520 --> 01:31:51,880
Speaker 1: So now that I know that I'm doing my part, y'all,

2086
01:31:51,920 --> 01:31:53,599
Speaker 1: I really want to give you a hug like I

2087
01:31:53,600 --> 01:31:55,400
Speaker 1: feel I feel like y'a like we.

2088
01:31:55,360 --> 01:31:58,800
Speaker 3: Can podcast like I love it.

2089
01:31:59,120 --> 01:32:01,719
Speaker 4: We're jumping off the y'all to give us in real.

2090
01:32:01,680 --> 01:32:08,920
Speaker 2: Time you the best, Yes, you the best, and then

2091
01:32:08,960 --> 01:32:11,920
Speaker 2: to round out the formalities. Be sure to find us

2092
01:32:12,000 --> 01:32:16,160
Speaker 2: on Patreon, y'all to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video content.

2093
01:32:16,479 --> 01:32:19,320
Speaker 2: You can find us on social media Kadeen I am and.

2094
01:32:19,240 --> 01:32:21,440
Speaker 1: I am Devo, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,

2095
01:32:21,479 --> 01:32:24,479
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe, and also pick

2096
01:32:24,520 --> 01:32:26,479
Speaker 1: up your copy if we over meet the counter intuitive

2097
01:32:26,479 --> 01:32:30,040
Speaker 1: approach to getting everything you want out of your relationship.

2098
01:32:29,520 --> 01:32:34,840
Speaker 4: And games of desire. Don't forget that I love that subtitle.

2099
01:32:34,960 --> 01:32:37,920
Speaker 2: It's still there. It's still there on a pop in.

2100
01:32:38,000 --> 01:32:40,599
Speaker 2: Those two books should be on your shelf for sure.

2101
01:32:41,120 --> 01:32:43,000
Speaker 2: All right, y'all, dead Ass see you next time.

2102
01:32:43,240 --> 01:32:48,640
Speaker 1: Dead Ass Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia

2103
01:32:48,720 --> 01:32:52,120
Speaker 1: podcast Network and it's produced by Donor, Opinia and Triple

2104
01:32:52,439 --> 01:32:54,960
Speaker 1: Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the

2105
01:32:55,000 --> 01:33:05,639
Speaker 1: Podcast and never miss a Thing