Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to sit back and you have to
Speaker 1: think before you speak.
Speaker 2: The yappers regret.
Speaker 3: It's a real thing.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I just I'll spill my deepest, darkest secrets just
Speaker 2: because I want to keep the conversation going.
Speaker 3: Damn, I did not need to share that much information sometimes.
Speaker 1: I was always told in the monastery that when you
Speaker 1: share something before it's complete, that idea lose its fifty
Speaker 1: percent of its value.
Speaker 3: You know, when something's like at the top of your heart,
Speaker 3: it's like stuck at the top of your throat, and
Speaker 3: all you're waiting to do is burst out and talk
Speaker 3: about it.
Speaker 1: I find it really inspiring when someone's opening their heart.
Speaker 3: Even if someone was vlogging for twenty four hours a day,
Speaker 3: even if someone was telling you every moment that they
Speaker 3: were moving, you can't know their heart and you can't
Speaker 3: know their mind.
Speaker 1: I really don't share anything to try and get someone
Speaker 1: to believe I'm anything.
Speaker 3: I've just come to the conclusion that no one will
Speaker 3: ever Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode of
Speaker 3: On Pap. I wish we had a name for it,
Speaker 3: we do. Welcome back to this week's episode of Conversations
Speaker 3: with Radi on On Purpose we have been having these
Speaker 3: wonderful discussions. That's not the efficient name, but we have
Speaker 3: been having these wonderful conversations based on things our friends
Speaker 3: have told us, things we've been reading, listening to, and
Speaker 3: we realized that these conversations are actually really useful to
Speaker 3: maybe share with people. Me and Jay have them often
Speaker 3: when we're on car journeys together traveling, and one has
Speaker 3: helped create more depth in our conversation, but also some
Speaker 3: of the stuff we come out with, it's pretty good
Speaker 3: in them. So I thought, let's share it. Well, I
Speaker 3: didn't think Jay thought let's share it with the world.
Speaker 3: On a fourth episode a week of On Purpose, over to.
Speaker 1: You, Jay, why we suddenly switched to news.
Speaker 3: A news Anka, It's hard not to when you've got
Speaker 3: mic in front of you.
Speaker 2: Is it? Is that what you feel like today?
Speaker 3: On today's weather? It's I can you just start?
Speaker 2: All right?
Speaker 1: So as you're talking about what we want to share,
Speaker 1: today's topic is all about oversharing. Are we oversharing online?
Speaker 1: Are we over sharing with our friends? What is too much?
Speaker 1: What is just enough? What do we do with it?
Speaker 1: Because it feels like we don't know who to share
Speaker 1: our life with? How much of our life to share,
Speaker 1: where to share it, and let's dive in.
Speaker 3: It's so true. I've really struggled, well, you said online,
Speaker 3: I really struggle with the online sharing situation because on
Speaker 3: one hand, people want to experience your personality, and especially
Speaker 3: as someone who is sharing a lot of content online,
Speaker 3: you also want people to feel like they know your life,
Speaker 3: because otherwise you're just sharing little miniscule parts of it,
Speaker 3: the best parts, which people don't want to see anymore.
Speaker 3: They also want to see the pain. But then when
Speaker 3: I sometimes share that I'm crying and get messages that
Speaker 3: why you are sharing that you're sad? Like I don't
Speaker 3: want to be sad with you, and so it's such
Speaker 3: an interesting message. Oh yeah, I do, I get like, oh,
Speaker 3: your life must be so hard. You know, if you
Speaker 3: do share that you're upset, there's always somebody or people
Speaker 3: who who think you've got no reason to be said,
Speaker 3: so why you cry? And so I think there's a
Speaker 3: really difficult balance between. I always used to say I
Speaker 3: don't want to share the negative parts of life because
Speaker 3: there's enough negativity in the world, and I'd rather share
Speaker 3: even if I am feeling a certain way. I'd rather
Speaker 3: share even if I have an ounce of happiness, let
Speaker 3: me share that online rather than sharing sadness with people,
Speaker 3: because energy is so contagious that if someone comes online,
Speaker 3: they're already having a bad day. The last thing I
Speaker 3: want is to make their day worse. But I think
Speaker 3: it was so interesting because I was speaking to my
Speaker 3: friend about this. She's going through probably one of the
Speaker 3: most difficult times in her life right now, going through
Speaker 3: a situation that she never expected herself to be in,
Speaker 3: and she was really struggling with it. You know, when
Speaker 3: something's like at the top of your heart, it's like
Speaker 3: stuck at the top of your throat, and all you're
Speaker 3: waiting to do is burst out and talk about it
Speaker 3: because it's so prominent inside of you. And so what
Speaker 3: she started doing was she had told me, and then
Speaker 3: she started spending time with people, and we had said,
Speaker 3: maybe you shouldn't speak about this to other people, but
Speaker 3: when she ended up being around people too much, she
Speaker 3: would end up blesting out or share it. And I
Speaker 3: had a conversation with her about how it's so important
Speaker 3: to protect things that one if you're unsure about, or
Speaker 3: two that are really difficult, because a lot of the
Speaker 3: time people don't necessarily have the best desires for you.
Speaker 3: There are very few people in this world who actually
Speaker 3: have deep desire for you to be happy. And so
Speaker 3: when you end up sharing certain things or over sharing things,
Speaker 3: I think it leaks this energy of One, the situation
Speaker 3: gets made bigger because you're constantly speaking about it, and
Speaker 3: therefore even if it was painful, it becomes even more painful.
Speaker 3: Or two, there's this idea in like iv Aiden. I
Speaker 3: think you've spoken about this as well, where when when
Speaker 3: you share too much, you're just leaking energy out of
Speaker 3: that one thing, And you talk about this that I'd
Speaker 3: love for you to share this about when things haven't
Speaker 3: happened yet, and then sharing them before things have happened,
Speaker 3: and the leaking of energy that happens in that. But
Speaker 3: I was speaking to her about it, and I do
Speaker 3: believe that sometimes oversharing or not sharing to the right
Speaker 3: people can be really detrimental to whatever it is that
Speaker 3: you're talking about.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it all comes down. I think the
Speaker 1: world will talk about some things we call them over
Speaker 1: sharing because we want to censor it. Sometimes people think
Speaker 1: things are oversharing because they're overly emotional. I think we
Speaker 1: have to look back at how this all started. The
Speaker 1: online world was a place people put up pictures, they
Speaker 1: put up food, they put up dances. All of a sudden,
Speaker 1: people started sharing highlight reels, and that's what we did.
Speaker 1: We shared our best moments. People then called that out
Speaker 1: and said we want to see the truth, and people
Speaker 1: started sharing vulnerable things. Vulnerability, which is actually quite an
Speaker 1: intimate personal thing, became a very public thing, right. And
Speaker 1: then what's happened is vulnerability, in my opinion, has become performative. Sometimes,
Speaker 1: it's not always, not always sometimes, And so now when
Speaker 1: someone's being overly vulnerable and I'm vulnerable online too, it's
Speaker 1: really hard to get it gauges to what's right or
Speaker 1: wrong or where you stand on it, and it all
Speaker 1: comes down to the individual and their intention. If I
Speaker 1: ever share vulnerably online, it's because I believe there's a lesson,
Speaker 1: there's a guiding moment, there's a teaching moment, there's something
Speaker 1: I've gained that I want to share with it. That's
Speaker 1: when I choose to do that. I have a boundary
Speaker 1: around it. I have a way of thinking about when
Speaker 1: and why I want to be vulnerable. I think people
Speaker 1: who listen to my podcast regularly do understand who I
Speaker 1: am as a person.
Speaker 3: That's a good assessment, though, go on what you just said,
Speaker 3: a good assessment of knowing whether you should be vulnerable
Speaker 3: or not. What is the reason behind you being vulnerable online?
Speaker 3: What is the reason you're sharing yourself crying? What is
Speaker 3: the reason you're sharing this difficult thing that happened. Is
Speaker 3: it because you want someone to be able to relate
Speaker 3: to it be better, which is milful? Is it because
Speaker 3: you want attention? Is it because you want sympathy? Like
Speaker 3: being really clear about what way your vulnerability is coming from.
Speaker 3: That's a really great place of assessment. Sorry to cut
Speaker 3: you off by no, no, no.
Speaker 2: I'm so glad you did. You should know.
Speaker 1: I think it's better when we're doing that. There was
Speaker 1: this you just said something that hit this. Doctor Christopher
Speaker 1: Hands said, the more people tend to present about themselves,
Speaker 1: the less sympathy they get when things go wrong. People
Speaker 1: they brought it on themselves, and oversharing can lead to
Speaker 1: judgment instead of empathy online especially, And so I agree
Speaker 1: that if I was to ever cry online, I have
Speaker 1: cried in interviews before, which has been very natural. But
Speaker 1: if I was ever to cry online, to share a
Speaker 1: paint point. It would be because I think it could
Speaker 1: help someone, or it's because I would hope someone would
Speaker 1: be able to connect to it and not feel alone.
Speaker 1: That would be my intention. Now I'm not saying that's perfect.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that's the best or the right thing
Speaker 1: to do. That's just how I see it. But if
Speaker 1: I wanted to cry and just break down, I would.
Speaker 3: Just call you, yeah, exactly, take.
Speaker 1: Right, or talk to one of my friends, because that's
Speaker 1: where I think it would be held the best.
Speaker 3: I remember when I started we go cry. I started
Speaker 3: seeing all these pictures or so becoming more conscious of
Speaker 3: the fact that we take so many pictures laughing, but
Speaker 3: we never take pictures of ourselves crying. And I remember
Speaker 3: starting to collect these pictures of whenever I was upset,
Speaker 3: or that i'd sent to my friend or I spoke
Speaker 3: to my friend was going through a difficult time and
Speaker 3: she was like, I'm so upset right now and I
Speaker 3: don't feel like posting anything online. I was like, send
Speaker 3: me a picture of you crying, Like, send me a
Speaker 3: picture of what's actually happening in this real moment. And
Speaker 3: she always repeats it back to me because now she
Speaker 3: says that she documents and takes pictures of every emotion
Speaker 3: that she's feeling and whenever. Now, I share a lot
Speaker 3: of pictures of me crying online now, just because I
Speaker 3: also want that to be normalized. Of yes, of course
Speaker 3: it'll be crazy if I was crying. In the next second,
Speaker 3: I'm taking a selfie and I'm smiling. That's actually boadline psychotic.
Speaker 3: And so I felt like the necessity of sharing the
Speaker 3: fact that you are upset can be normalized because if
Speaker 3: people if we're trying to create an open platform or
Speaker 3: a place where people can be themselves online, there has
Speaker 3: to be that ability of not having to switch it
Speaker 3: up to a smile straight away.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think for you at least, and you can
Speaker 1: correct me if I'm wrong. There was a feeling of
Speaker 1: when people are like, oh, you're always happy, and you
Speaker 1: kind of wanted to help people understand that no one
Speaker 1: in the world is always happy, which I think is
Speaker 1: a great message and is true and people need to hear.
Speaker 1: And that was you know, that's important thing. And obviously
Speaker 1: a really good cry is based on that, the idea
Speaker 1: that you get that ability to share your emotions. But
Speaker 1: what's really interesting is that Sociologist Ben Ager says that
Speaker 1: people often reveal more of their inner feelings, opinions, and
Speaker 1: sexuality online than they would in person or even over
Speaker 1: the phone. And I think that's actually because in some
Speaker 1: cases it's easier to be yourself with strangers than it
Speaker 1: is with the people that know you best, because the
Speaker 1: people that know you best, when you share your emotions
Speaker 1: that way, then they're like, wait a minute, you're not
Speaker 1: like this, wait, why are you doing this?
Speaker 2: What's going on here? Was?
Speaker 1: When you share it online, you kind of sometimes feel
Speaker 1: heard and scene where a stranger goes.
Speaker 2: I feel the same way.
Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing that, And so I don't think
Speaker 1: it's fair for anyone to say, oh, you shouldn't share
Speaker 1: how you feel online, because that may be where you
Speaker 1: feel safest for some people.
Speaker 3: In an interesting way, can you talk about what you've
Speaker 3: always shared with me, the oversharing thing I was telling,
Speaker 3: the saying about the protecting before you before you speak
Speaker 3: things that haven't happened.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is a spiritual principle.
Speaker 1: I'm writing about it in my third book right now, actually,
Speaker 1: And it's this idea that I was always told in
Speaker 1: the monastery that when you share something before it's complete,
Speaker 1: that idea lose its fifty percent of its value, and
Speaker 1: actually you lose the energy and the discipline to maybe
Speaker 1: even carry it through. And so often when you're excited
Speaker 1: about something, you just blurt it out and then you
Speaker 1: never get around to doing it because in some cases,
Speaker 1: you've already enjoyed the moment of sharing.
Speaker 2: The success of it, and you've.
Speaker 1: Already gained the validation for it, and so you don't
Speaker 1: feel it anymore. Whereas when you keep something private and
Speaker 1: you build it and then you put it out into
Speaker 1: the world, it has a much better reaction for you
Speaker 1: as well, because you used all that energy to complete
Speaker 1: the task. And that's what it's all about. It's not
Speaker 1: about whether it gets validation or praise. It's about are
Speaker 1: you losing energy by talking about this thing to everyone?
Speaker 1: And so the way I've changed it is I talk
Speaker 1: to people who can actually give me insight or impact
Speaker 1: on that thing. So if someone can give me an idea,
Speaker 1: someone can help me with it, I'll share it with them.
Speaker 1: But if they can't, then I probably won't. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: I found that to be true for me, and it's
Speaker 1: really helped me in my life. I like building things
Speaker 1: in private and then launching them in public than talking
Speaker 1: about something in public forever and then putting it out there.
Speaker 1: And I may not even get around putting it out there.
Speaker 3: But there's a weird line between like telling people things
Speaker 3: for accountability and then overshare, because sometimes you want to
Speaker 3: tell people that I'm trying to get to this goal,
Speaker 3: and you know, I'm telling you because I really want
Speaker 3: to make sure I get there. But then I have,
Speaker 3: you know, I completely relate to the telling everybody everything,
Speaker 3: and then you kind of lose the energy or the
Speaker 3: will to even get there because you've already enjoyed. They
Speaker 3: say that you enjoyed the success in your mind already,
Speaker 3: so it's almost like your your mind doesn't know the
Speaker 3: difference between actually actually completing something and when you're talking
Speaker 3: about it, because the same hormones or the same chemicals
Speaker 3: are released in your brain. So when you've already technically
Speaker 3: succeeded by talking about it, you have less motivation to
Speaker 3: complete it afterwards. Yes, so that's I guess. Yeah, and
Speaker 3: that's the only thing I actually read something. I actually
Speaker 3: came across this, I think this morning on Instagram and
Speaker 3: I had saved it. Yeah, this is why oversharing drains
Speaker 3: your aura, according to Irada, and so if you ever
Speaker 3: felt off after a deep shit online or with someone
Speaker 3: who didn't feel safe, Iraida says, it's your aura and
Speaker 3: your energetic boundary getting weakened. And so it basically talks
Speaker 3: about how now when you end up sharing sacred parts
Speaker 3: of yourself with people who haven't earned it, or whether
Speaker 3: you're venting too much on social media or explaining your
Speaker 3: life constantly or seeking constant external validation. The fact is
Speaker 3: that every single word carries intentionality, and when you end
Speaker 3: up sharing words over and over again, they lose their intentionality,
Speaker 3: they lose their power, they lose their energy, and that
Speaker 3: it scatters your energy all over the place, rather than
Speaker 3: being focused on trying to actually fix the problem, it
Speaker 3: just scatters you. And I have noticed that I do
Speaker 3: think that there's this power of when you end up
Speaker 3: talking about things too much, it drains you, and it
Speaker 3: drains the problem too, or it drains the excitement of something.
Speaker 3: It really is a draining practice to continuously keep talking.
Speaker 3: But on the other hand, I have noticed that when
Speaker 3: you're in social situations, I used to do this to
Speaker 3: try and fill gaps. I would overshare things, and I
Speaker 3: would talk about things unnecessarily or say things that really
Speaker 3: don't need to be talked about in this situation, but
Speaker 3: to try and create a closeness. That's why oversharing is
Speaker 3: sometimes used in between people is let me tell you
Speaker 3: everything about my life so we feel close straight away.
Speaker 3: It's like a false closeness that you can create and
Speaker 3: a way to show a way to make people trust
Speaker 3: you because I'm going to tell you I'm an open book.
Speaker 3: I'm going to tell you everything about my life. One
Speaker 3: because hopefully it makes you like me more, two because
Speaker 3: now you can be vulnerable with me. And three now
Speaker 3: it makes you feel like you're my best friend and
Speaker 3: it creates as connection as fast as possible.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: But I think it's really important to know when to
Speaker 3: share things and who to share things with, because if
Speaker 3: they're not ready for it, and if they don't know
Speaker 3: you well enough, it's so much harder to receive that information.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I love that point.
Speaker 1: And I think that you actually end up being more
Speaker 1: confused because you've now told thirty people.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so a lot of people. Now.
Speaker 1: I think you have a group chat and you tell
Speaker 1: thirty people who you're dating what they said to you
Speaker 1: and you're saying, what should I say back? Yeah, I know,
Speaker 1: you ask thirty people, how are you going to pro
Speaker 1: sss thirty people's backgrounds, walks of life, advice, insight, No
Speaker 1: wonder you feel lost and confused because you're asking thirty
Speaker 1: people in the group chat how to respond, and then
Speaker 1: you're asking someone else when you meet them and then
Speaker 1: exactly what you said about draining the problem. And I
Speaker 1: think one of the biggest things with oversharing now though,
Speaker 1: is that it's also different on different platforms and so
Speaker 1: on Instagram and TikTok, because it's actually generally your face
Speaker 1: and your name. It's different where I know a lot
Speaker 1: of people who find people sharing their stories of miscarriages,
Speaker 1: IVF breakups on Reddit is actually really helpful for them
Speaker 1: because they're reading about other people's anonymous experiences. And there's
Speaker 1: something we get from anonymous oversharinge because the person can
Speaker 1: tell everything about their life because it's not their name.
Speaker 3: It feels a bit more authentic, I guess as well,
Speaker 3: because you know that they're not doing it for themselves.
Speaker 3: They're sharing anonymously, which means that there must be some
Speaker 3: sort of tooth shore it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that being totally themselves because they don't have
Speaker 1: anything to gain, and so many people can turn to
Speaker 1: that and be like, oh my god, that's exactly what
Speaker 1: I'm going through, and that's exactly what I'm experiencing. And
Speaker 1: I think that is the same even for someone on
Speaker 1: Instagram who's going through Like I follow plenty of people
Speaker 1: who are sharing their healing journeys, whether it's their health,
Speaker 1: whether it's a challenge they've went through. I find it
Speaker 1: so inspiring, so I rarely see something as oversharing from
Speaker 1: a consumer point of view. I find it really inspiring
Speaker 1: when someone's opening their heart, and I find it really
Speaker 1: amazing for the world that people can do that. I
Speaker 1: think it only makes the person who's sharing happy if
Speaker 1: their intention is not attention and validation. That's how I
Speaker 1: look at it. When I see someone, I see bravery,
Speaker 1: I see courage, I see in a big heart. But
Speaker 1: for them it will only fulfill them if it's done
Speaker 1: from the intention of I want to serve, I want
Speaker 1: to help, I want to support, I want to share,
Speaker 1: but I'm not doing it for attention and validation.
Speaker 3: Do you think that you know, we talk about this
Speaker 3: a lot, where you really have to be careful about
Speaker 3: who you tell what to. And in that sense, we
Speaker 3: don't talk about that many wins that we have with
Speaker 3: too many people, or even pain points even about a relationship.
Speaker 3: You know, there are certain things that you keep private
Speaker 3: versus sharing it with people or being really mindful about
Speaker 3: who you share what with. Do you think other people's
Speaker 3: energy can affect the things that you are thinking about
Speaker 3: or doing in your life if you share it with
Speaker 3: the wrong people.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's some sort of magic pocus pocus thing.
Speaker 1: I think it's truly just their thoughts can affect you.
Speaker 1: For example, let's say you want to start something right
Speaker 1: and I was guilty of this a few months ago
Speaker 1: with us, and you kindly called me out about it
Speaker 1: in a good way. You shared an idea with me
Speaker 1: about something and we were just messaging about it. My
Speaker 1: initial response was, yeah, we can't.
Speaker 2: Do that right now.
Speaker 1: Oh, And you were like, wait a minute, can you
Speaker 1: just let me share my idea?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And you said it in a really nice way, and
Speaker 1: I got the message, and I felt really bad about it,
Speaker 1: and I was wrong. But my point is my energy.
Speaker 2: Did affect it.
Speaker 1: It. I closed something down when I shouldn't have. So
Speaker 1: that's a really good example. So let's say someone's listening
Speaker 1: right now and they're like, you've got an idea to
Speaker 1: start a YouTube channel or a podcast, or you want
Speaker 1: to write a book, and you go and tell all
Speaker 1: your friends, and then all your friends go, why are
Speaker 1: you starting a podcast?
Speaker 2: Like, oh, you know, there's like a million podcasts now.
Speaker 1: It's not a hocus focus. That energy affects you. You
Speaker 1: hear that and you go, yeah, maybe I shouldn't start it.
Speaker 1: So true, So all of a sudden, that energy has
Speaker 1: affected you. Now, if you had shared it with a podcaster,
Speaker 1: that podcast would have said to you, oh, great, what
Speaker 1: genre is it? What kind of podcast do you want
Speaker 1: to do? And you're like, yeah, it's all about relationships
Speaker 1: and it's all about connection, And then you could have
Speaker 1: asked them a question. They would have said, yeah, well,
Speaker 1: here's what you need to do. Makes you do one
Speaker 1: episode a week, make sure that you are really authentic
Speaker 1: and be yourself, and make sure that you're consistent because
Speaker 1: something like ninety seven percent of podcast don't make it
Speaker 1: past episode two or three. Right now, all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: that person who's already done what you want to do
Speaker 1: is actually helping you, whereas someone who hasn't done what
Speaker 1: you want to do is draining you. And so I
Speaker 1: think it is important because energy does impact you and
Speaker 1: affect you, and someone who's already done what you want
Speaker 1: to do is more likely to encourage you, where someone
Speaker 1: who hasn't done it is more likely to discourage you
Speaker 1: because they may not understand, they think it's hard, or
Speaker 1: they think it's complicated.
Speaker 3: Do you think people are happier when they're sharing more
Speaker 3: or do you think actually, oh, I'll ask you for yourself.
Speaker 3: When you made the decision to keep a lot of
Speaker 3: your own life private and be mindful about what you're sharing,
Speaker 3: did that bring more peace and clarity and confidence in
Speaker 3: what you're doing or did you feel like you're missing
Speaker 3: out on Did you feel a bit lonely without sharing things?
Speaker 1: I think people online and I want to ask you
Speaker 1: the same questions about these are great questions. I think
Speaker 1: we started to equate vulnerability with authenticity online.
Speaker 3: Tell me the difference.
Speaker 1: So I, no, no, no, it's it's we're saying that
Speaker 1: if you share stuff about your life, then you're off authentic. Yeah,
Speaker 1: don't share stuff about your life.
Speaker 2: You're not authentic.
Speaker 1: My take is authenticity is sharing the right thing with
Speaker 1: the right person at the right time. That's actually authentic.
Speaker 1: Right If I just found out that a family member
Speaker 1: was ill just today, I wouldn't tell everyone on social media,
Speaker 1: not because I'm being inauthentic, but the first person a
Speaker 1: call would be my family member exactly. So that's not
Speaker 1: an inauthentic act. It's actually the most authentic act. So
Speaker 1: I think we shouldn't fall for this trap where it's like,
Speaker 1: if you're not fully vulnerable online all the time, that
Speaker 1: you're inauthentic. Actually being authentic is being intentional and selective.
Speaker 1: In my that's my definition for it. So I feel
Speaker 1: very happy knowing what I share with you, what I
Speaker 1: share with my best friends, what I share with my mom,
Speaker 1: and then what I share online. Am I sharing my
Speaker 1: truth online?
Speaker 2: Of course i am? Am I sharing my heart online?
Speaker 2: Of course I am.
Speaker 1: Are there things that are private that need to be
Speaker 1: kept between me and my mum, or me and you,
Speaker 1: or me and my best friends. Of course there are,
Speaker 1: because that's reality, And I don't think that makes someone inauthentic.
Speaker 1: I think it actually makes someone real because it's the
Speaker 1: same as saying, if you're do you go into your
Speaker 1: workplace because social media is our workplace. Ye, you go
Speaker 1: into your workplace, stand up on your desk and tell
Speaker 1: everyone in your office everything about everything.
Speaker 2: And you would never do that.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't hijack the company's zoom call and say, guys,
Speaker 1: I just need everyone to know right now that this
Speaker 1: is what's going on in my life.
Speaker 2: You would just never do that. It's not normal.
Speaker 1: But online we assume that that is the normal. I'm
Speaker 1: not saying it's bad if you do that. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying that for me, that's not authenticity.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I've really struggled with that. I think
Speaker 3: I've always gone between, Oh, I just want to keep
Speaker 3: everything private now because everyone's opinions and everyone's thoughts and
Speaker 3: things are too much, and then back to, oh, maybe
Speaker 3: I should be showing because me not talking about this
Speaker 3: seems like I'm really happy, but actually I've got this
Speaker 3: going on in my life and my grandma's not well
Speaker 3: and whatever. Maybe I should be sharing because I'm sharing
Speaker 3: smiles and happiness all online, but there's another part of
Speaker 3: my life that's happening. And then I've just come to
Speaker 3: the conclusion that no one will ever understand the duality
Speaker 3: in people's lives, and I think that's just my conclusion
Speaker 3: is of having gone through the ups and downs of
Speaker 3: sharing or not sharing, and even sharing within within friendship circles,
Speaker 3: I think, actually I don't share much with my friends,
Speaker 3: or very selective about what I speak to, who I
Speaker 3: speak to about what, and it's made me so much
Speaker 3: happier because it's also allowed me to be so much
Speaker 3: more reflective in my own life. I think I was
Speaker 3: so used to outsourcing my uncertainty with other people's opinions
Speaker 3: and making decisions based on that that now the more
Speaker 3: that I feel comfortable with answering my own questions solving
Speaker 3: my own problems, the less I've got this need to
Speaker 3: speak to so many people about so many things happening
Speaker 3: in my life. And I actually do feel so much
Speaker 3: happier in that. I think the only part I struggle with,
Speaker 3: which you know, is being misunderstood online, and I think
Speaker 3: that's something that I am forever working on, because I
Speaker 3: think I go through these bouts of sharing and then
Speaker 3: not sharing and trying to find that in between. But
Speaker 3: what you said about the work situation that makes sense
Speaker 3: to you just stand up and shout when you're having
Speaker 3: a bad day in your office, you don't. You don't
Speaker 3: do that. And so I think it goes back to intentionality.
Speaker 3: Am I sharing this for a good reason? Or am
Speaker 3: I sharing this to try and prove myself which I've
Speaker 3: done before, or get people to try and understand me,
Speaker 3: which is impossible. I actually sent a voice note to
Speaker 3: my friend this morning, our friend this morning, because she
Speaker 3: was saying, how you know her ex boyfriend's friends don't
Speaker 3: like her because of stuff that he said. And I said, look,
Speaker 3: they're all going to always be people who no matter
Speaker 3: what you do or say, if they've wanted to dislike you,
Speaker 3: no matter how much you tell them about yourself, no
Speaker 3: matter how much you're trying and convince them that you
Speaker 3: are amazing, if they have already wanted to dislike you,
Speaker 3: they'll have found any one word, a breath that you've
Speaker 3: taken that they don't like. But if they want to
Speaker 3: be rooting for you, and if they want to see
Speaker 3: good in you, and if they want to love you,
Speaker 3: everything that you say, they'll give you benefit of doubt
Speaker 3: everything you say, they'll give you grace. And I wrote
Speaker 3: about this in my notes the other week. I was
Speaker 3: thinking imagine how nice it would be if people just
Speaker 3: gave people grace, whether they're oversharing, whether they're not sharing enough.
Speaker 3: Like I just think everybody is going through duality and
Speaker 3: so much in their life that it's impossible to know
Speaker 3: the depths of someone. Even if someone was vlogging for
Speaker 3: twenty four hours a day, even if someone was telling
Speaker 3: you every moment that they were moving, you can't know
Speaker 3: their heart and you can't know their mind, and so
Speaker 3: it's impossible to know someone that deeply. And the sharing,
Speaker 3: not sharing or oversharing, I think also comes comes with
Speaker 3: how you're feeling in the moment, in the day, in
Speaker 3: your life, depending what's happening.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love what you're saying. I think we've created
Speaker 1: such a judgmental, critical world. And it's almost like if
Speaker 1: you walked into a movie theater and you watch three
Speaker 1: minutes of a movie, and then you walked out, and
Speaker 1: then you walked into another movie for three minutes, then
Speaker 1: you walked out, and you walked into another movie for
Speaker 1: three minutes. That's what we do on social media. That's
Speaker 1: so true, right, you don't ever see the full picture,
Speaker 1: So no one has listened to every episode I've ever
Speaker 1: recorded on any platform I've ever been on. It would
Speaker 1: be my full picture.
Speaker 3: You never talk about purpose, yes.
Speaker 1: Or yeah exactly, or you never talk about this or
Speaker 1: you know. It's like, but that's how we'd feel if
Speaker 1: we walked into movie for three minutes and walked out.
Speaker 1: So you can only truly have an opinion on something
Speaker 1: when you.
Speaker 2: Understand it fully.
Speaker 1: Yes, you can have an opinion on anything, to be honest,
Speaker 1: but you can only truly have an assessment of something, yes,
Speaker 1: if you understand it fully. And today most of us
Speaker 1: make big assessments on small amounts of information huge.
Speaker 2: And we all do it.
Speaker 1: I do it too, And that's why it's so important
Speaker 1: to remind each other of that and what you were
Speaker 1: saying where you know, I remember a few years back
Speaker 1: because people were like, oh generally I never together anymore.
Speaker 1: Maybe they're breaking up, Like maybe you know all this
Speaker 1: for months? Yeah, yeah, and it's like, no, we travel
Speaker 1: a lot for work, We do spend time apart every
Speaker 1: year consciously intentionally planned. But if you don't know us,
Speaker 1: and you're not you don't know our relationship, your assessment
Speaker 1: of it is completely inaccurate.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And so this idea of like, oh.
Speaker 1: Maybe they're breaking up or did you know they don't
Speaker 1: live together anymore? And it's like, well, no, Rather, he
Speaker 1: was in London and I was in la which are
Speaker 1: two places that we live in. Like you know, it's
Speaker 1: and it's so basic. But and I don't come out
Speaker 1: and defend or talk about these things or make it
Speaker 1: obviously because to me, it's not worth it, it's not enough.
Speaker 1: But it's important to help people realize that. That's why
Speaker 1: people don't overshare, or that's why they do overshare. And
Speaker 1: so my thing is very clear. I really don't share
Speaker 1: anything to try and get someone to believe I'm anything.
Speaker 3: Yes, you really don't, you're.
Speaker 1: So happy with whatever judgment and just.
Speaker 3: Say something about this. I really don't need to. I
Speaker 3: don't need so at peace with it, it's so good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's not that I'm fully at peace with it.
Speaker 1: I'm probably like figuring out. Yeah, it's not like I'm
Speaker 1: beyond it. I'm figuring out internally. But what I've realized
Speaker 1: is my intentions really clear. That's what I'm focused on
Speaker 1: because I can't change It's what you just said. So well,
Speaker 1: it's if someone doesn't like me, no matter what I do,
Speaker 1: they'll still not like me, And if someone loves me,
Speaker 1: no matter what I do, they'll still love me. And
Speaker 1: that's how we make decisions in life. And so I
Speaker 1: don't want to convince someone to change their mind about me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if someone thinks I'm x y Z, that's okay, because
Speaker 1: I don't want to waste my life explaining myself.
Speaker 2: I just want to accept that this is where I am.
Speaker 1: And I think today we'd all be a lot more
Speaker 1: peace if we weren't explaining ourselves to others. We all
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Speaker 3: You know where I found sharing recently has been really useful.
Speaker 2: I was going to ask you that itally, Yeah, where
Speaker 2: is it?
Speaker 3: Where it's been really useful? So I And again this
Speaker 3: is based on relationship stuff. But one of my friends
Speaker 3: was really struggling in her relationship and we were speaking
Speaker 3: about all the people that we know in our families,
Speaker 3: everyone that we're really close to that she also knows
Speaker 3: that I know. And I was saying, you know, it's
Speaker 3: really normal if you've been in a relationship for X
Speaker 3: amount of time to go through phases that are really difficult.
Speaker 3: You do know that this person in our family has
Speaker 3: been through it, this person in our friendship circle has
Speaker 3: been through it, this person has been through this. These
Speaker 3: people have gone to couples therapy. Me and Jay have
Speaker 3: gone the readly. We've got times we've found it it's
Speaker 3: hard to even have conversations with each other. We've been
Speaker 3: through so many ups and downs. She said, I had
Speaker 3: no idea. What do you mean. I had no idea
Speaker 3: that was normal. I've seen all of you and none
Speaker 3: of that makes any sense. I was like, yeah, these
Speaker 3: people were the verge of breaking up and they literally
Speaker 3: had to spend so much a year trying to reconnect.
Speaker 3: She was like, no way. And I told her all
Speaker 3: of that to make her realize how normal the phases
Speaker 3: she was going through in her relationship were. But I
Speaker 3: found that so useful because even within relationships, obviously you
Speaker 3: have the pictures at events, and you have all these
Speaker 3: little things that you can share and we're talking about online,
Speaker 3: but even within within close family groups or close friendship groups,
Speaker 3: you will not even know what's happening and realize that
Speaker 3: actually they're going through the same thing as you are,
Speaker 3: and it makes you feel so okay about your situation
Speaker 3: when you realize you're not the only one. And so
Speaker 3: I think having those that conversation with my friend was
Speaker 3: so important because one, it humanized everyone and it wasn't
Speaker 3: just the rosy relationships that she too. I don't know
Speaker 3: anybody who hasn't gone through stuff in their relationship. And
Speaker 3: then three, I think sharing it online for a lot
Speaker 3: of people who are public figures or not even public
Speaker 3: figures sharing it with their communities. Let's say, the time
Speaker 3: it becomes difficult is when people take one thing and
Speaker 3: make it into something huge even though they've been through it.
Speaker 3: So like me saying okay, we found it really difficult before,
Speaker 3: someone may say, oh my gosh, they found it difficult,
Speaker 3: not realizing that they've had such difficult times in their
Speaker 3: relationship too. And so I think the judgment ends up
Speaker 3: going towards people even when we've created that experience or
Speaker 3: had that experience in our life. But I think sharing
Speaker 3: in that way has been so useful, even between me
Speaker 3: and my best friend. Now, when I say things that
Speaker 3: I've been through she's like, I would have never thought
Speaker 3: that that was you. And she's like, oh, I went
Speaker 3: through that too, and I can't believe we're the same.
Speaker 3: And we've had that in common even though we're such
Speaker 3: different people. And I think being more open about things
Speaker 3: like that, especially in our community, because especially I don't know,
Speaker 3: you know, wherever you whichever community are, and I'm sure
Speaker 3: it's quite similar, but painting rosy pictures about family relationships,
Speaker 3: about partner relationships, about all these things, it's so easy
Speaker 3: to paint in a rosy picture, and it helps no
Speaker 3: one because then everyone thinks they're the odd one now
Speaker 3: when they're going through the same thing that you are.
Speaker 3: So that I found really useful recently after being around
Speaker 3: my friends and family here.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's one of the reasons why, you know,
Speaker 1: if anyone ever watched the history of our conversations we've
Speaker 1: had online, yeah, them, we'll focus on challenges we've had.
Speaker 2: Yeah, probably, And.
Speaker 1: That's where I've felt sharing is really helpful. Is my
Speaker 1: intention is to show that we're all in the same boat.
Speaker 3: Yeah, No one's example.
Speaker 2: We're all on the same page.
Speaker 1: No matter how enlightened or perfect or illuminated you feel.
Speaker 1: Someone is we're all in the same boat and we're
Speaker 1: all struggling. And that is when I think sharing is
Speaker 1: really important, and that's what I choose to share. I
Speaker 1: choose to share my challenges. I choose to share things
Speaker 1: that I'm stressed about.
Speaker 3: Or you're like that even with your friends, not even
Speaker 3: just this is even in a public forum. I hear
Speaker 3: you speak to your friends about the real I'm like,
Speaker 3: oh wow, I didn't think it was going to talk
Speaker 3: about that, or didn't think you would share that with
Speaker 3: that person, but you really do to help them also
Speaker 3: open up back to.
Speaker 1: You, and also just because I also want them to
Speaker 1: know that that's the real expression that everyone has.
Speaker 3: And it's you being honest with yourself in that moment too,
Speaker 3: isn't it. I think we can get so covered up
Speaker 3: by the fake realities we create in our own mind
Speaker 3: of trying to be okay in front of other people
Speaker 3: that share that, you end up sharing this false version
Speaker 3: of yourself and then you come away from that conversation
Speaker 3: and even though you think you've been vulnerable, you've actually
Speaker 3: been false vulnerable because that's not actually how you feel.
Speaker 3: You haven't actually shared anything exactly, and so you haven't
Speaker 3: actually built a connection to anyone. I always think that's
Speaker 3: why I find difficult when you know, people catch pictures
Speaker 3: of celebrities fighting and they put up pictures of it
Speaker 3: or whatever. It's like, have we not all had a
Speaker 3: moment where we've slammed the door? Have we all had
Speaker 3: a moment where we've walked out of a restaurant because
Speaker 3: we've had an argument, we were a little bit upset.
Speaker 3: And so I think that I always feel so sad
Speaker 3: for people when I see stuff like that, because I'm like,
Speaker 3: I've had those moments or showing up, I've slammed the
Speaker 3: door in the car and I've left before, and.
Speaker 1: Or you don't have a clue what was happening anyway.
Speaker 2: Someone's resting face is just not smiley.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: And so someone.
Speaker 3: Whenever I'm on my phone and you're like are you okay,
Speaker 3: and I'm like writing a message and it's literally me
Speaker 3: just on Aesos ordering some clothes and I'm literally just concentrating.
Speaker 3: But if someone saw me doing that in public, fine with.
Speaker 2: Somebody, yeah exactly.
Speaker 1: And that's I think that's what it is, is that
Speaker 1: you can't make big assessments and judgments with small information
Speaker 1: and it would just make your life more peaceful and easier.
Speaker 1: I think the takeaway I want people to have is
Speaker 1: that whether you have a life that is online or
Speaker 1: whether it's your offline life, it's almost like the same
Speaker 1: principles apply. Who do you want to share this with,
Speaker 1: what are you trying to share, and most importantly, why
Speaker 1: are you sharing it? What's your intention? And if your
Speaker 1: intention is to make others feel less alone, if your
Speaker 1: intention is to share something so that you've loved in case.
Speaker 3: Help people through what they're going frock and.
Speaker 1: Help yourself, these are all beautiful things. And no one
Speaker 1: can tell you whether you're oversharing or overexposed. Only you
Speaker 1: get to decide that even if everyone goes, oh, you're oversharing,
Speaker 1: you wanted to share it, as long as your intentions
Speaker 1: in the right place. And don't ever feel pressured into
Speaker 1: thinking that you have to be vulnerable to be authentic,
Speaker 1: because it's authentic to be vulnerable when you want to
Speaker 1: not it's not authentic to just be vulnerable anytime, any
Speaker 1: place with everyone.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think i'd also add that sharing is
Speaker 3: similar with your words, is similar to sharing emotion in
Speaker 3: the sense that you're not supposed to hold everything inside,
Speaker 3: and it's not supposed to all live in your head either,
Speaker 3: And so I think part of experiencing life, and part
Speaker 3: of experiencing emotions, and part of experiencing pain and happiness,
Speaker 3: a big part of it is the sharing aspect of it.
Speaker 3: There is a notion of you experience something and then
Speaker 3: you share it. You learn something and then you share it,
Speaker 3: And so we're not supposed to just keep everything inside
Speaker 3: of us. There is supposed to be this action of
Speaker 3: receiving whatever the whatever it is, pain, knowledge, information, and
Speaker 3: then giving it out to other people. And I think
Speaker 3: we're built to be in communities and sharing is a
Speaker 3: big part of that, and being honest with yourself a
Speaker 3: big part of that is also sharing. And I think
Speaker 3: that's something really important to remember that we have to
Speaker 3: learn to take what's in our mind and be able
Speaker 3: to say it out loud to really sometimes get the
Speaker 3: depth or the weight of what is inside of us.
Speaker 3: But yeah, keep sharing, people, keep sharing.
Speaker 2: Thanks so much for listening and watching everyone.
Speaker 1: I hope you share your comments, your ideas, your thoughts
Speaker 1: in the comment section, and of course share this episode
Speaker 1: with anyone else that.
Speaker 3: You think is Can you know what overshare It overshare
Speaker 3: this episode. Yeah, okay, by hey everyone.
Speaker 1: If you love that conversation, go and check out my
Speaker 1: episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she
Speaker 1: answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when
Speaker 1: it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're
Speaker 1: trying to figure out that space right now, you won't
Speaker 1: want to miss this conversation.
Speaker 3: If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard
Speaker 3: to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
Speaker 2: Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
Speaker 3: It's so lovely.