WEBVTT - The Secret to Staying Married 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:05.359 Swine Down with Janet Kramer and I have Heart Radio podcast. 0:00:06.200 --> 0:00:08.920 All right, guy, So we're so excited for today's podcast 0:00:08.960 --> 0:00:13.840 because we have two legends, Argina be on the show, 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:18.360 Phil Donna Hue and Marlo Thomas. H Phil for those 0:00:18.560 --> 0:00:21.799 of you that don't know, and actually I had to, 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:26.040 I knew the name, Um, but he was basically the 0:00:26.079 --> 0:00:30.840 Oprah before Oprah. He's the king of daytime talk for sure. Yeah. 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:35.680 I mean he's one a ton of Emmy's UM for 0:00:35.760 --> 0:00:39.640 Outstanding Talk Show. So, I mean he was, he was 0:00:39.720 --> 0:00:43.640 the first two. Here's the o G. Yeah, you know, 0:00:43.760 --> 0:00:47.640 and my parents have been here, my grandfather, um, you know, 0:00:48.040 --> 0:00:50.639 this past week and we even asked them, We're like, hey, 0:00:50.640 --> 0:00:52.320 do you guys know Phil Donahue, And everyone kind of 0:00:52.360 --> 0:00:53.920 lit up. It was like, yeah, I used to watch 0:00:53.960 --> 0:00:55.400 the heck out of that show. I always used to 0:00:55.400 --> 0:00:57.560 watch it and this and that, and so, I mean 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:02.400 everybody knows Phil Donahue and his wife Marlo Thomas, who 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:07.399 was actually she was a guest on his show, and 0:01:07.480 --> 0:01:09.520 that's kind of when everyone saw them, follow them in 0:01:09.520 --> 0:01:12.679 love because everyone knew that they saw the spark. Um. 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:17.080 So she's an actress. Um, she's she was on a show. Actually, 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:19.080 I was walking today with one of my girlfriends and 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:22.200 she was on a show called That Girl. UM. And 0:01:22.240 --> 0:01:25.280 they've been married for over forty years and they have 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:29.880 a book out UM on our same imprint with HarperCollins 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:32.280 and the books called What Makes a Marriage Last? Because 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:34.440 they've been married over forty years. And what they did 0:01:34.520 --> 0:01:40.960 is they, UM, they took forty couples couples, UM, and 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:45.320 they basically interviewed them because they're great at that. They're 0:01:45.360 --> 0:01:48.160 great interviewing obviously Phil and then you know, UM saying 0:01:48.160 --> 0:01:51.400 with Marlowe. But they interviewed these couples and it was 0:01:51.480 --> 0:01:53.880 so cool because you know, we have a crash course 0:01:53.880 --> 0:01:55.720 in their book and we got to read it. UM 0:01:55.840 --> 0:01:57.400 read a lot of it because we just got it 0:01:57.440 --> 0:01:59.960 the other day, and just to kind of hear the 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:02.360 stories of some people that you know, I really look 0:02:02.440 --> 0:02:05.920 up to, like Viola Davis and her husband, and you know, UM, 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:09.880 Kelly Rippa, Mark Nsuelo's, Jamie Lee Curtis and her husband, 0:02:10.080 --> 0:02:14.200 and all the couples. They kind of have a requirement 0:02:14.280 --> 0:02:17.000 for all the couples that they've been married UM a 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:19.400 certain amount of years or have been like they have 0:02:19.480 --> 0:02:22.480 Elton John and David Furnish, who have been in a 0:02:22.480 --> 0:02:25.200 domestic partnership for over fifteen years, married for the last 0:02:25.520 --> 0:02:29.000 four to six years because of locality reasons, but they 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:32.720 have this kind of prerequisite for these couples, you know, 0:02:32.880 --> 0:02:35.359 and especially I think all of us at one point 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:39.080 have been like, man, how does you know these people 0:02:39.120 --> 0:02:42.760 who are of such celebrity status stay in like it's 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:46.280 always a genuine surprise when they see that, or even 0:02:46.320 --> 0:02:47.919 I think so when you see a celebrity couple that 0:02:47.960 --> 0:02:50.320 have been married for so long, Oh, for sure, you're like, oh, 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:52.480 how did they do it? You know, like you think 0:02:52.480 --> 0:02:54.720 about your yourself. You're like, man, it's hard, and how 0:02:54.720 --> 0:02:56.800 does someone like that do it? Yeah? For example, like 0:02:56.840 --> 0:02:58.840 Michael J. Fox and Tracy you look at them and 0:02:58.840 --> 0:03:01.560 you're like, man, how long? How do they make it work? 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:04.639 What was there? What was the secret? And I know, Mike, 0:03:04.680 --> 0:03:06.720 I know you always have your headphones on when we travel, 0:03:06.800 --> 0:03:10.000 but whenever I do see, you know, a sweet old couple, 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:12.359 or when I'm on the plane traveling by myself, I'm 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:15.160 always like, how long have you been married? And then 0:03:15.400 --> 0:03:17.760 I'll always say like, Okay, what's your secret? And whenever 0:03:17.800 --> 0:03:21.200 I play shows, I usually sing love and then I 0:03:21.240 --> 0:03:25.880 celebrate whoever has had the longest marriage. And so you know, 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:27.840 some of these people are thirty forty years and I'm 0:03:27.840 --> 0:03:31.080 always like, what's your secret? And I haven't forget this 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:35.680 one guy, he's like over medication, over medicating and I 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:39.120 was like no, um. And one of them was just 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:44.360 like the wife was like we're best friends. Yeah he's 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:46.880 like he's like yeah, okay. But that's the cool thing 0:03:46.880 --> 0:03:49.640 about this book though, because I mean, they get these 0:03:49.680 --> 0:03:52.200 people to these celebrity couples to really open up and 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:55.720 share things that they've been through, what has helped it 0:03:55.760 --> 0:03:59.280 work for them? And it's just what's great about it is, 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:00.600 you know a lot of things said Jan and I 0:04:00.680 --> 0:04:04.440 have shared. You know, you guys have commented and responded 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:06.920 saying because of what we share, you don't feel so alone. 0:04:07.360 --> 0:04:10.480 And this book like epitomizes that where it's like, man, 0:04:10.520 --> 0:04:12.240 if all these couples that a lot of us look 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:15.480 up to, you know, and hold with such high regard, 0:04:16.000 --> 0:04:19.000 and they go through what they go through and all 0:04:19.000 --> 0:04:22.039 of their marriages, they all look different. Not one of 0:04:22.080 --> 0:04:24.480 them is the same. Now you know, some of them 0:04:24.520 --> 0:04:27.680 have similar beliefs, but some I'm gonna have polar opposite beliefs. 0:04:27.720 --> 0:04:30.520 And certain things like you know, the the classic debate 0:04:30.520 --> 0:04:33.240 of going to bed angry versus not going to bed angry, 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:36.000 and I mean, it's it's amazing. Yeah. One of the 0:04:36.080 --> 0:04:39.040 things in UM Ray Romano and his wife um and 0:04:39.240 --> 0:04:42.080 A story is Ray says it's good to have the 0:04:42.120 --> 0:04:45.200 same outlook, the same values. UM. But then it's also, 0:04:45.400 --> 0:04:47.479 and he goes, I'm just speaking for ourselves, it's also 0:04:47.600 --> 0:04:51.000 that we're compatible. She's that person. I'm this person. I'm 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:56.520 this person who performs and needs attention. She's that person 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:58.880 who doesn't feel neglected by this person. So I mean, 0:04:59.000 --> 0:05:01.320 especially in this business, the pieces have to fit that way. 0:05:01.720 --> 0:05:05.120 And I think about it's just like, you know, who's 0:05:05.120 --> 0:05:07.320 your person? Have you found your person? Are you with 0:05:07.360 --> 0:05:10.760 your person? You know, as a person, because like with 0:05:10.839 --> 0:05:13.400 the race story, he's like, I need attention and I 0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:16.560 need someone, I need laughs, and I need someone to 0:05:16.640 --> 0:05:20.919 just be that supportive stay at home mom, you know, 0:05:21.040 --> 0:05:24.120 and and and rock and I need to like feel 0:05:24.120 --> 0:05:27.599 like I'm you know, a funny, funny person. And it's 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:30.520 and she's that person for him. So it's like, what 0:05:30.760 --> 0:05:33.839 is it like? So I'll ask you, like, what makes 0:05:34.120 --> 0:05:38.080 you that person? Or me be that person? Or maybe 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:43.560 I'm not you are you are my person? And I 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:48.799 think that's something that you find over time, because maybe 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:52.040 some people who are newly together, newly married might give 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:55.760 a fluffy answer, but I think you start to realize 0:05:56.040 --> 0:05:58.919 when you go through the day to day, the monotony 0:05:58.960 --> 0:06:02.360 and the grinding of marriage and having a family, the 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:04.920 little things of of how you balance each other out 0:06:05.360 --> 0:06:08.200 and how much you know you and I've commented how 0:06:08.240 --> 0:06:10.359 much we balanced each other out in the day to 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:13.920 day stuff, you know, with certain things. And it's because 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:18.719 of that that that even that simple stuff reassures me. 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:20.520 I'm like, this is my person. I was like, because 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:24.200 if I had somebody like me, it wouldn't be nearly 0:06:24.240 --> 0:06:27.680 as passionate, nearly as magical, and I wouldn't be a 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:31.080 better person, you know what I mean. And kind of 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:35.000 to that topic, there's something on John mcenroon and Patty 0:06:35.080 --> 0:06:37.320 Smith's story. You know, it even starts off the chapter 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:41.200 where there's a quote it says women are notorious for saying, oh, 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:43.560 he's got the potential, but potential is not good enough, 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:47.080 marry the person. Don't marry potential. And you know, I 0:06:47.160 --> 0:06:49.880 want to ask Phil and Marlow about that question too, 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:52.760 but it gets your thinking. It's like in Ray Romano's 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:56.760 case and his wife, Um, you know how many of 0:06:56.800 --> 0:07:00.520 us out there are marrying based on potential? You know, 0:07:00.640 --> 0:07:06.279 our people accepting? Can people accept who's in front of them? Yeah? 0:07:06.320 --> 0:07:14.240 People will grow, but you can't ask for this drastic change. Yes, 0:07:14.600 --> 0:07:17.320 I I do fear though that, And I know that 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:25.200 I've been um where I've almost thought I could change 0:07:25.320 --> 0:07:29.400 the person, you know, And I think because I think 0:07:29.440 --> 0:07:34.480 we as women, and I'm not saying to categorize just us, 0:07:34.520 --> 0:07:38.760 but I feel like I think a lot of women 0:07:38.760 --> 0:07:42.280 can be like, oh I can change that, or like no, 0:07:42.520 --> 0:07:44.240 like I'll be the one he doesn't do this with, 0:07:44.360 --> 0:07:46.240 or I'll be the one like to change that, and 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:50.920 when it kind of hits you in the face, it's like, no, no, 0:07:51.040 --> 0:07:54.600 you won't. And you might help them grow and be 0:07:54.680 --> 0:07:56.760 a better person, kind of like you're doing for me, 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:00.560 So that could be for sure the case. But to 0:08:00.680 --> 0:08:04.080 just straight up change, like if they're gonna stop smoking 0:08:04.120 --> 0:08:07.680 marijuana because they know I hate marijuana. It's like, well, 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:11.280 I mean to to that point. I mean, I think 0:08:11.360 --> 0:08:14.760 men even look at women in that regard where we 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:18.000 kind of put that power in you as well. Where 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:20.360 I always told myself back when I was single, it's like, 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:23.560 when I get married, I won't you know, mess around anymore. 0:08:24.960 --> 0:08:28.000 It's like, because the woman will change me. It'll be 0:08:28.000 --> 0:08:30.720 because of that interesting, you know what I mean, Like 0:08:30.800 --> 0:08:35.720 I put such high you know, expectations on that as well, 0:08:35.880 --> 0:08:38.480 even though as you and I found out, has nothing 0:08:38.520 --> 0:08:41.840 to do with you in my situation at least, So 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:46.520 it's just interesting, if you know, I think it's important. 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:49.160 I think that's an important thing to kind of touch on. 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:50.800 And I can't wait again to talk to Phil and 0:08:50.800 --> 0:08:54.679 Marlow about it. Um on those kind of expectations, but 0:08:54.840 --> 0:09:10.520 you want to take a break and get them one, Okay, 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:13.480 So we are waiting on Marlow and Phil. Are there 0:09:13.520 --> 0:09:19.199 any ones that any relationships from the Brian Cranson um 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:23.320 and his wife or there's member Deepak and Chopra they're 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:29.199 in there as well. Um another great couple that Um Lily, 0:09:29.200 --> 0:09:34.160 there's Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner Sully that Captain Chip 0:09:34.160 --> 0:09:36.720 and Joanna Ted Danson Mary. I always wondered how their 0:09:36.760 --> 0:09:41.720 relationship because there's just Billy, Janice, Crystal Jay and Simon Smith, 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:45.920 Kevin Bacon, Kira Sedwick. I'm just I'm so like, I 0:09:45.960 --> 0:09:48.680 just I hope everyone gets this book because it's it's 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:52.439 awesome and I'm you know, we're only kind of a 0:09:52.480 --> 0:09:54.640 little more than a half in and I'm just so 0:09:54.840 --> 0:09:56.760 enjoying it. But is there one that you just really 0:09:56.800 --> 0:10:00.840 loved reading? I think, uh, you know, content point earlier 0:10:00.840 --> 0:10:06.719 about how can someone of that stature, that lifestyle being 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:09.600 a committed marriage and relationship for however many years they 0:10:09.640 --> 0:10:14.280 have and Llo cool J is one of those. They've 0:10:14.280 --> 0:10:18.400 been married for twenty five years. Wow. And he man 0:10:18.440 --> 0:10:20.800 in the height of his career. Yeah, I mean they met. 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:23.480 They met when they were just teens. He had one 0:10:23.520 --> 0:10:26.680 record out, he was at the beginning of his career, 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:30.839 so he hadn't really hit it like main mainstream yet. 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:33.960 And there's only a two year period that they were 0:10:34.040 --> 0:10:35.720 apart from each other, but that was still when they 0:10:35.760 --> 0:10:38.080 were just dating. They weren't even married yet. So any 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:46.520 takeaways from that one, I think just their maturity talking 0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:51.120 about their relationship, it's just the way they talk to 0:10:51.160 --> 0:10:55.120 each other the way they talk about their marriage. There's 0:10:55.200 --> 0:10:59.800 just such kind of mutual respect there that you know, 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:04.160 they value what each other is saying. Um, you know, 0:11:04.200 --> 0:11:05.800 because that's a cool thing about the book. It gives 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:10.280 a lot of dialogue. So in the book too, it'll say, 0:11:11.080 --> 0:11:13.800 you'll see the actual dialogue of what they said. So, yeah, 0:11:13.840 --> 0:11:16.240 of the conversation, so to have like Phil says this, 0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:19.360 and then you know Locol James, who's he goes by Todd? 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:22.400 Todd says this, Simone says this, Mama says this, Toddy, 0:11:22.600 --> 0:11:24.520 I never knew that. To take away, the beginning of 0:11:24.640 --> 0:11:26.920 chapter feels like, so what do I call him? Like 0:11:26.920 --> 0:11:31.120 Ello cool j J? And his assistant was like, now 0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:33.320 it's call him Todd. What was that shark movie? Elcal 0:11:33.400 --> 0:11:37.720 jameson deep? What what was that? Oh? Deep bluesy deeplu. 0:11:38.559 --> 0:11:40.720 Wasn't there a song that he had in there? Oh? God, 0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:43.320 was so starting me crazy? IMNA look it up. It 0:11:43.400 --> 0:11:45.160 was so bad, it was good, It was so bad, 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:47.240 it was good. What about for you? What which one 0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:51.280 stood out so far? Um? Oh my gosh, well, I 0:11:51.280 --> 0:11:54.360 would say Michael J. Fox is kind of made me 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:58.280 a little sad. Really, Well, let me know he's just here. 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:00.800 I'll pull up one of the quotes that he they 0:12:00.800 --> 0:12:04.199 talked about. But obviously you know, um, he got diagnosed 0:12:05.240 --> 0:12:10.160 a couple Yeah, I mean it's been I don't want 0:12:10.160 --> 0:12:12.320 to misquote it, but it's been at least fifteen years, 0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:16.880 hasn't it since he's been diagnosed with Parkinson's um. And 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:24.360 she actually got Marlowe got she cried after she left 0:12:24.559 --> 0:12:30.520 their interview and because she just saw the beauty um 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:32.960 one of the things that she wrote, and I'll tell 0:12:32.960 --> 0:12:36.760 you right now, I'm going to my little dog ear thing. 0:12:36.960 --> 0:12:40.520 And she said, um, well, first of all, Tracy said, 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:43.080 in marriage you have to take it all the good 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:45.120 with the bad, and if you love somebody, you deal 0:12:45.160 --> 0:12:47.800 with whatever it is they're dealing with. Their issues become 0:12:47.840 --> 0:12:51.280 their issues. And I really took a lot from that 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:55.720 because that's so true. I mean, especially in the vows 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:59.400 when you marry someone, it's until death drew us part 0:12:59.480 --> 0:13:03.520 signals in health and sickness and in health, and you 0:13:03.559 --> 0:13:06.040 know that's exactly a thing in marriage. You have to 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:08.080 take it all the good with the bad. If you 0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:10.520 love somebody, you deal with whatever it is they're dealing 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:14.360 with their issues become your issues. And you know, just 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:24.000 with sickness or within addiction, or within compulsive this or personality, 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:28.920 like your whatever issue that you have or start having 0:13:28.920 --> 0:13:33.480 in a marriage becomes your spouse's issue. Now you don't 0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:36.439 have to take it on, but it's still it's it's 0:13:36.440 --> 0:13:38.199 it's their choice whether or not to be a part 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:40.600 of it, to take it on. And you know that 0:13:40.600 --> 0:13:42.240 that kind of brings me to the question that we've 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:44.680 gotten a lot, and it's like, how do you know 0:13:45.200 --> 0:13:47.880 to stay? How do you know it's worth it? And 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:51.560 just you know, thinking of that quote and what we've 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:56.359 talked about is even with that mindset of it becomes 0:13:57.120 --> 0:14:00.760 you're cross to bear your burden to be not not 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:04.960 saying it necessarily from a negative place, but it's, uh, 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:08.840 it still takes both people, you know. So it's it's 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:11.000 one of those things where it's not like, well, I'm married, 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:14.439 I just have to deal with this. Yeah, And she says, 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:16.640 Michael and Tracy showed me to the door. This is 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:19.920 Marlowe speaking. And I began the short walk home. I 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:22.400 hadn't taken more than a few steps before I began 0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:25.040 to cry. What I had witnessed for the past ninety 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:27.720 minutes was the very heart of the marital bond. It 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:30.680 was uncanny to me and it remains so today that 0:14:30.800 --> 0:14:34.920 love and pain, joy and sadness, the best and the worst, 0:14:35.000 --> 0:14:39.320 can coexist so closely, and yet with such grace. Michael's 0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:42.600 illness is always there. The movement he has little control 0:14:42.680 --> 0:14:45.480 over is there. His disease is in their marriage, and 0:14:45.520 --> 0:14:49.160 their marriage is in his disease. They are braided as 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:51.560 a given, and that braid is made of love and 0:14:51.640 --> 0:14:55.080 commitment and steel. It filled me with love for them, 0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:57.000 and it filled me with love for my own husband. 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:01.280 This is marriage. And I just remember when I when 0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:02.920 I read that the other day, I was just like, 0:15:03.080 --> 0:15:06.440 it gave me chills because that's so true. I mean, 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:10.440 through illness, through all of it. That is a part 0:15:10.480 --> 0:15:13.960 of the marriage. And you take on these It's almost 0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:16.400 like when we talk about in our book by the baggage, 0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:19.520 Like it's not saying that's baggage, but it is in 0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:24.720 a sense where you take on some persons maybe emotional 0:15:24.760 --> 0:15:30.720 past childhood wounds or that those become part of the marriage. 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:35.680 And it's just yeah, it just made me really reflect 0:15:35.720 --> 0:15:41.200 a lot about you. Know our situation and addiction and 0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:46.240 and it's just because that is you know, it's it's 0:15:46.280 --> 0:15:48.600 it's it's our issue now, it's not just yours. And 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:50.480 again I don't take it on, but it is something 0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:57.960 that we do together as a team. Um yes, yeah, 0:15:58.000 --> 0:16:02.760 but you know you also yes, yes, it affects but 0:16:03.000 --> 0:16:08.240 at the same time, like it's there, and um, how 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:12.640 do I say this, Like I'm not trying to it 0:16:12.680 --> 0:16:15.160 affects you, but it's not your responsibility. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:16.760 there you go. And I'm not like I don't play 0:16:17.040 --> 0:16:19.440 like even though some would say I play victim, I 0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:22.160 don't like I'm not playing victim to it. It's just 0:16:22.760 --> 0:16:25.960 it's there and we acknowledge it. But it's still part 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:31.320 of staying and knowing things, just like you know that 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:34.600 I I don't know, what's one thing that you know 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:38.040 is one of my issues? Your perfect time? Oh my god, 0:16:38.280 --> 0:16:41.800 shut up? No, but I'm serious, you know, Like it's okay, 0:16:41.840 --> 0:16:45.440 We've it's almost like the sign up sheet. It's here, 0:16:46.120 --> 0:16:48.720 we've signed up for it. We we didn't sign up 0:16:48.720 --> 0:16:51.240 for it, but it's there, and this is marriage and 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:55.360 we have to navigate it together. Like for me it 0:16:55.360 --> 0:17:00.480 would be compromising on your timeline. So like with your 0:17:00.520 --> 0:17:03.240 timeline of things, you want things done, like there's no 0:17:03.280 --> 0:17:10.160 better time than the present. That's an issue exactly. Sometimes 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:14.119 it's drop everything and do it now, you know, and 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:17.920 so but it's but again that's why I talked about earlier, 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:20.840 where we balance each other. It's like there's still a 0:17:20.880 --> 0:17:23.440 priority of things, like this certain thing can wait till 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:25.639 tomorrow or can wait till later. It doesn't have to 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:27.120 be done right now. We don't have to stretch about 0:17:27.119 --> 0:17:29.240 it right now, we don't have to overthink this situation. 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:31.480 Right now. We can cross certain bridges when we get 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:34.320 to them right. So that's where I realized back. But 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:36.919 also at the same time, at moments I am too 0:17:37.000 --> 0:17:40.560 laws I fare so you'll get those things in my 0:17:40.600 --> 0:17:43.040 head or get it, you know, higher on my priority 0:17:43.119 --> 0:17:44.800 list because it does need to get down or whatever 0:17:44.800 --> 0:17:47.760 it is. So yeah, for sure, and I also think too, 0:17:47.800 --> 0:17:51.840 I mean, I'll give myself a little more and I'll say, 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:53.679 you know, one of the issues that you have to 0:17:53.680 --> 0:17:57.280 deal without me is is from my past to where 0:17:57.880 --> 0:18:02.440 sometimes I can maybe portray out on you unfairly. So 0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:05.600 just like when we said earlier, like childhood wounds or 0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:09.440 for mind, mostly like adolescent, but there can be certain 0:18:09.520 --> 0:18:15.919 things where it can Unfortunately you take the brunt of 0:18:15.960 --> 0:18:20.680 it because of you know, things that I'm still trying 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:23.760 to to work through through you know, and in our 0:18:23.760 --> 0:18:27.000 relationship and stuff to do better and not to like 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:31.560 it's not not put your face on it, you know, 0:18:31.760 --> 0:18:35.840 for sure, I appreciate that. Um. Also, Kelly Rippa and 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:37.639 Mark and Suelos, they were also in the book, and 0:18:37.680 --> 0:18:40.199 I love during their thing too. Right when they got married, 0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:44.440 she through the ring like they were over. So there's 0:18:44.440 --> 0:18:47.520 some juicy stuff in there too. It's so good. Um, 0:18:47.560 --> 0:18:51.520 but let's take one more break and hopefully we'll be 0:18:51.560 --> 0:19:06.199 able to get them on. So talking about all this 0:19:06.240 --> 0:19:07.919 stuff kind of made me think of something I was 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:11.359 on our our buddy Nick Wood six podcast. Um, you know, 0:19:11.440 --> 0:19:12.840 meet him and his brother a kind of having some 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:17.320 dad talk, uh not too long ago, and we're talking 0:19:17.359 --> 0:19:21.280 about relationships and stuff, and I kind of said something 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:26.000 making a point of I feel like when someone has 0:19:26.040 --> 0:19:29.080 asked a question, why do you love your partner, why 0:19:29.080 --> 0:19:32.679 do you love your your spouse or whoever? If someone 0:19:33.000 --> 0:19:42.320 answers quickly, then it's surface level interesting because it's easier 0:19:42.359 --> 0:19:46.080 to say, because love, as you and I have found out, 0:19:46.119 --> 0:19:49.040 it's more than just a feeling. It's it's a concept. 0:19:49.119 --> 0:19:51.400 It is a feeling, but there's so much more attached 0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:55.160 to it. It's respect, it's understanding, its forgiveness, it's there's 0:19:55.200 --> 0:19:56.879 so much where it's more than just Oh, why do 0:19:56.920 --> 0:20:00.000 you love Jane? Oh she's beautiful, she's hard working, she's 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:07.160 this Like sometimes sometimes when I asked that question, it's 0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:09.320 it's almost hard to put into words, because how do 0:20:09.359 --> 0:20:13.520 you put into words everything we've been through and all 0:20:13.600 --> 0:20:19.560 the reasons that I love you induce into single adjectives, 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:22.840 Like it's difficult when you really love somebody, when you're 0:20:22.880 --> 0:20:27.280 really committed in working at the relationship that you're in. 0:20:28.560 --> 0:20:30.760 And I think what you're reading what Marlow was saying 0:20:30.760 --> 0:20:32.879 about Michael J. Fox's story at the end of that 0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:35.639 was so beautiful and that had me thinking about it. 0:20:35.720 --> 0:20:38.800 I'm like, when she was like, this is marriage, like 0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:40.919 braided together and all of this stuff, I was like, 0:20:40.960 --> 0:20:44.520 it's so much more than these surface level adjectives and 0:20:44.560 --> 0:20:47.720 why we love each other. So I just thought what 0:20:47.760 --> 0:20:49.760 Marlo said was beautiful and it just kind of had 0:20:49.800 --> 0:20:52.600 that It reminded me of that topic that I've talked 0:20:52.640 --> 0:20:55.000 about with Nick. So, what did you come to the 0:20:55.040 --> 0:21:01.040 conclusion of on why I Love You? That would take 0:21:01.040 --> 0:21:06.080 a whole episode, honey, were you able to think about anything? 0:21:09.280 --> 0:21:11.480 She's got her fishing rout out fishing right now for 0:21:11.800 --> 0:21:15.359 just curious, like if anything, like, because that's what's a 0:21:15.359 --> 0:21:17.720 problem to like what if you couldn't find anything? Like 0:21:17.760 --> 0:21:22.479 what if you're like like, that's a bummer too, when 0:21:22.600 --> 0:21:26.040 when you start to when you don't really when you 0:21:26.080 --> 0:21:30.160 can't say why you love your spouse and not must 0:21:30.160 --> 0:21:33.640 be the worst feeling. Because I've gotten there with I've 0:21:33.640 --> 0:21:36.080 gotten there with relationships before, but like why do I like, 0:21:36.240 --> 0:21:38.199 I don't even think I love you? And that like 0:21:38.280 --> 0:21:43.120 that realization is it's crazy. So I mean just think like, 0:21:43.680 --> 0:21:46.840 if someone's listening right now, I'm thinking about, Okay, what 0:21:46.920 --> 0:21:48.760 are the reasons like why do I love my husband? 0:21:48.800 --> 0:21:52.399 And if you're sitting there and you're just going like that, 0:21:52.760 --> 0:21:55.600 that's sad. That's that's almost a sad realization. That's a 0:21:55.760 --> 0:22:01.360 that's a great a great point, and it's it. I'm 0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:03.320 sure there's people out there that even if they thought 0:22:03.320 --> 0:22:05.120 about it, right now like, Oh, why do I love 0:22:05.359 --> 0:22:09.240 my boyfriend or my significant other whoever they might? Actually 0:22:09.240 --> 0:22:12.000 I don't know, which is why I want to go 0:22:12.720 --> 0:22:16.040 thinking like that just sparked um when I was reading 0:22:16.080 --> 0:22:18.919 this book the other day with Jamie Lee Curtis and 0:22:18.960 --> 0:22:23.480 her husband, Um Christopher Guest, and she said, Jamie goes, 0:22:24.000 --> 0:22:27.560 the secret to marriage is how much hatred can your 0:22:27.560 --> 0:22:33.800 marriage actually survive? And Marlowe actually goes hatred and Jamie says, yes, 0:22:33.920 --> 0:22:38.080 the idea that you wouldn't hate the other person is crazy. 0:22:37.840 --> 0:22:41.320 I think what happens is that people have an idealized agreement. 0:22:41.400 --> 0:22:43.639 They go into this thing with all the best intentions, 0:22:43.680 --> 0:22:46.200 and at some point I think they start hating some things, 0:22:46.600 --> 0:22:49.520 and then they get really terrified and they leave. And 0:22:49.560 --> 0:22:52.920 what I'm saying is if our contribution to your book 0:22:52.960 --> 0:22:55.439 about marriage is the word hatred, then both of us, 0:22:55.480 --> 0:22:57.760 I think, will feel really good. I'm not saying that 0:22:57.800 --> 0:22:59.960 we have a perfect marriage. We don't. I don't think 0:23:00.000 --> 0:23:02.000 there is one. But I think what people want to 0:23:02.000 --> 0:23:04.960 know is that the other people. This is huge, but 0:23:05.000 --> 0:23:07.240 I think what people want to know is that other 0:23:07.400 --> 0:23:10.439 people struggle and that life is hard. It's the reason 0:23:10.560 --> 0:23:13.520 that quote from The Princess Bride is so profound. Life 0:23:13.560 --> 0:23:17.119 is pain highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. 0:23:17.640 --> 0:23:20.399 And so I think people actually want to know that 0:23:20.440 --> 0:23:23.320 other people have struggled. And then her husband said and 0:23:23.320 --> 0:23:26.200 that they're not alone. And I love this too, because 0:23:26.480 --> 0:23:29.680