WEBVTT - Do What You Want with Your Thumbs 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:04.440 Hell I Suck at Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jerry 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:11.560 and I Heart Radio podcast. Welcome, Welcome back to a 0:00:11.600 --> 0:00:14.280 whole new episode of Help I Suck a Dating. You 0:00:14.320 --> 0:00:17.960 are joined today, but only one third of the host 0:00:18.440 --> 0:00:22.400 so myself, Vanessa Jared is in Capris. I believe Dean 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:25.279 is in Croatia, so they're on the other end of 0:00:25.280 --> 0:00:28.520 the world. But I'm joining studio by Mark and Easton. 0:00:28.640 --> 0:00:31.240 Thank you guys for not ditching me today. Well believe 0:00:31.240 --> 0:00:33.720 if we're a chance to go to either of those places, 0:00:33.840 --> 0:00:37.840 we'd be there. I know. Well, I'm in my bedroom 0:00:37.920 --> 0:00:41.239 right now, calling in from my little studio here, and 0:00:41.360 --> 0:00:45.400 we have actually great episode. UM. Last time I did 0:00:45.440 --> 0:00:48.680 a solo episode, it was a girl talk Brandy Cyrus 0:00:48.720 --> 0:00:51.040 came in to help me co host UM. And today 0:00:51.080 --> 0:00:54.920 we have Ernestine Slefanie Bayliss, who's here to talk about 0:00:54.920 --> 0:00:58.160 her new book. And if you're dating someone who's obsessed 0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:00.640 with sports, you're gonna want to listen to this UM. 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:02.480 But first I kind of want to just give a 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:06.440 little bit of UM an update on my life. I mean, 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:08.320 I talked about my life all the time on the podcast, 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:12.200 but ten months ago that's when I did my solo 0:01:12.240 --> 0:01:15.040 episode called Girl Talk. Brandy Cyrus was on and she 0:01:15.120 --> 0:01:18.600 was also single, and I was talking about how a 0:01:18.640 --> 0:01:20.720 guy had just kind of ended a relationship with me, 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:23.119 or quote unquote a relationship. I was like dating him 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:26.600 long distance. Mark had asked me about babies. I started 0:01:26.640 --> 0:01:29.360 crying because I thought, I'm never gonna find anyone. I'm 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:30.840 going to be single for the rest of my life. 0:01:30.840 --> 0:01:33.839 I'm gonna have to freeze my eggs. And ten months 0:01:33.840 --> 0:01:35.839 ago that was going through my head. I was single. 0:01:36.360 --> 0:01:41.080 I was, I will admit it. I was desperate. I 0:01:41.120 --> 0:01:43.560 thought it was the end of the world that I 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:45.480 wasn't going to find someone who wanted the same things 0:01:45.480 --> 0:01:48.920 as I did. Brandy had moved. I think she had 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:52.120 just moved to Member at that point. A. K. Denver 0:01:52.960 --> 0:01:55.080 Um because she was also fed up of like being single, 0:01:55.240 --> 0:01:58.360 and she recently announced that she's in a relationship. So 0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:00.960 this is not to like talk about, oh look at us, 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:03.960 we're in a relationship. This is really to give hope 0:02:04.000 --> 0:02:06.480 for people who did tune in to that episode and 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:10.520 are now listening to this episode and to see that 0:02:10.600 --> 0:02:13.200 you know there is hope and that you will find someone. 0:02:13.520 --> 0:02:16.400 Um and if you are going through a heartbreak right now, 0:02:16.919 --> 0:02:19.040 it's totally normal to feel like it's the end of 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:21.600 the world, that there is no hope, that you're not 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:25.040 going to find the person that you have in mind, 0:02:25.639 --> 0:02:27.640 and so on and so forth. But first of all, 0:02:27.840 --> 0:02:29.680 the person that you have in mind, and this idea 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:33.799 of this like perfect soulmate doesn't exist right Like, I'm 0:02:33.840 --> 0:02:35.720 not saying that my boyfriend now is not perfect, but 0:02:35.720 --> 0:02:38.000 he's perfect in my eyes, and he's perfect in the 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:40.920 relationship that I have with him because we built the 0:02:41.000 --> 0:02:43.520 relationship that we want to have together. So I actually 0:02:43.560 --> 0:02:47.799 took the liberty to write down five things that I 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:50.919 feel and no particular order either, five things that I 0:02:50.919 --> 0:02:53.320 feel are important to have in a relationship. And these 0:02:53.320 --> 0:02:56.640 are things that I've learned throughout the last ten months, 0:02:56.880 --> 0:02:59.440 um so from the last episode that I did called 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:02.799 girl Talk on the podcast. So these are five things 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:05.280 that I came up with. So Number one, when you're 0:03:05.280 --> 0:03:10.040 looking for a partner, um, a soulmate, whatever you want 0:03:10.040 --> 0:03:14.480 to call them, find someone who is able I don't 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:16.600 even know if I'm able to work the word, but willing, 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:19.880 someone who's willing to work on things and work things 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:23.160 through and put in efforts. So whether that means I 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:25.360 feel like we live in an age right now where 0:03:25.560 --> 0:03:28.240 it's so easy to i don't know, get distracted by 0:03:28.280 --> 0:03:33.520 Instagram or get distracted by a dating app, or everything 0:03:33.600 --> 0:03:35.600 is so fast paced and it's like, oh, next, I 0:03:35.600 --> 0:03:37.240 don't want this. Next, I don't want this. It's kind 0:03:37.240 --> 0:03:39.000 of like uber eats, right, like you're looking at all 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:40.520 the food and you're like, oh, let me pick the 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:43.120 best thing that has like five stars. So it's the 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:45.200 same thing when it comes to dating, Like everything is 0:03:45.320 --> 0:03:47.080 very much fast paced, but you want to be able 0:03:47.080 --> 0:03:49.520 to find someone who's kind of like old school and 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:53.760 wanting to work on things when things get tough. Because 0:03:53.920 --> 0:03:56.320 in a relationship, I mean, Mark, you've been married for 0:03:56.360 --> 0:04:02.160 how many years? Just a few weeks ago? Oh wow, okay, congratulations, 0:04:02.160 --> 0:04:06.400 so seventeen years, um, happy anniversary. So there's there's ups 0:04:06.440 --> 0:04:08.600 and downs in a relationship. And I remember like kind 0:04:08.600 --> 0:04:11.400 of doing a diagram of what a relationship looks like, 0:04:11.760 --> 0:04:14.000 and the first like to three years, it's like a 0:04:14.080 --> 0:04:15.880 kind of like a roller coaster. It's like going up 0:04:15.880 --> 0:04:17.880 because you're like getting to know about each other. It's 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:20.279 still fairly new and then it keeps going up because 0:04:20.320 --> 0:04:22.839 you get engaged and that's like another exciting thing that happens. 0:04:23.160 --> 0:04:24.760 And then you have a wedding to plan, so the 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:28.680 roller coaster keeps going up. And then you get married 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:30.920 and it's very exciting, and then you have a kid. 0:04:30.920 --> 0:04:33.679 It's very exciting. And then like at one point, obviously 0:04:33.680 --> 0:04:37.839 your relationship or marriage kind of goes flat, right, And 0:04:37.880 --> 0:04:40.520 that's okay. And I feel like it's it's a stage 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:43.000 in a relationship where a lot of people fear. It's like, well, 0:04:43.000 --> 0:04:44.600 why don't it keep going up? Like why isn't the 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:48.039 roller coaster keep going up? And it's okay for it 0:04:48.240 --> 0:04:51.640 to get flat, because that means as long as it's 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:54.120 flat at a happy point, right, not your lowest point 0:04:54.160 --> 0:04:57.200 in the relationship, because that means that you're just unhappy. 0:04:57.480 --> 0:05:02.560 But in order to make a relationship last, you need 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:05.880 to partners that are willing to make it work, whether 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:09.520 that's finding out that you need individual therapy or that 0:05:09.560 --> 0:05:11.520 you need to go to a couples therapy together, or 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:14.720 that you want to talk about your emotions and not 0:05:14.839 --> 0:05:17.880 suppress your feelings so that you later on resent the person. 0:05:18.440 --> 0:05:23.120 Because I remember I had dated someone who um did 0:05:23.200 --> 0:05:25.160 not like a certain job that I was doing and 0:05:25.480 --> 0:05:28.400 basically gave me an ultimatum. Was like, well, I it's 0:05:28.440 --> 0:05:29.960 either me or the job type of thing, and I 0:05:30.040 --> 0:05:32.560 quit the job at that point. Yeah, And at that 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:36.400 I remember crying so much and remember thinking like, why 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:38.520 am I crying for? If this is what I want? 0:05:38.520 --> 0:05:39.600 If this is the guy that I want to be 0:05:39.680 --> 0:05:42.080 dating and married to. Who gives you about the job. 0:05:42.200 --> 0:05:44.400 But at that point, when I was in my twenties, 0:05:44.760 --> 0:05:47.520 that was like my little brain thinking like, oh, everything 0:05:47.560 --> 0:05:50.760 should be revolved around the person I'm dating. And this 0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:53.120 goes to my next point. Can you say what it 0:05:53.160 --> 0:05:56.240 was about your job that he objected to? So I 0:05:56.839 --> 0:05:59.880 was hosting some TV shows and he just didn't like 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:02.279 the fact that I guess it was like some guy interaction. 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:05.640 But it's not really like there was no guy. It's 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:07.320 not like I'm making out with a host, you know 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:09.320 what I mean, Like you're hosting. I was hosting like 0:06:09.440 --> 0:06:13.480 a little, very little show in Montreal. That's some deeper 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:15.800 security on his part. I think that's a real red flag. 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:18.000 And by the way, just what you're saying, you're right, 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:20.520 it needs a dual mindset. That you are in this 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:23.119 for the long haul and that the relationship is worth 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:26.080 fighting for because it is very easy to just walk away. 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:29.000 And I found that in my marriage that in our 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:32.719 there we bicker, sometimes you fight, sometimes it's going to happen. 0:06:32.720 --> 0:06:35.360 We've been together twenty two years, but it's a mindset. 0:06:35.520 --> 0:06:38.600 It's a long term mindset that we're in this forever. 0:06:38.920 --> 0:06:40.360 And so if there's these years that we need to 0:06:40.360 --> 0:06:42.160 figure out, we got to figure them out because we're 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:45.359 not going anywhere. That's what you're looking for, right And 0:06:45.400 --> 0:06:47.360 if you're if you're like me and you're the type 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:50.120 of person that has them mindset from early on in 0:06:50.120 --> 0:06:53.120 a relationship and you're dating someone who doesn't, then like 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:56.000 it's hard to to make that work. And a lot 0:06:56.000 --> 0:06:59.039 of my relationships post and pre Bachelor were like that. 0:06:59.360 --> 0:07:02.200 And now that I'm eating someone who's so I don't 0:07:02.240 --> 0:07:04.280 like calling its old school, but he has that old 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:06.400 school mentality where it's like, no, we're not going to 0:07:06.480 --> 0:07:09.640 break up because we're arguing, and even if like you're 0:07:10.200 --> 0:07:13.120 arguing about like stupidities for a week or whatever, like 0:07:13.240 --> 0:07:14.880 we're going to get through this. Let's like figure out 0:07:14.920 --> 0:07:19.480 a way to resolve this conflict. Just the other day 0:07:19.520 --> 0:07:22.160 she said, I was married to you long before I 0:07:22.240 --> 0:07:27.080 was actually married to you. Ah, I love that. I 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:31.080 love that thing. I love that. So I a hundred 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:32.920 percent agree with that. That's how I feel too. And 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:36.160 you know what, that could really scare some people away. 0:07:36.280 --> 0:07:38.200 That's true. But it's but and so you don't want 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:39.440 to make a big deal out of it, but it's 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:42.040 it's it's a long term mindset. It doesn't mean I'm 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:44.400 absolutely going to marry you. Who knows what's going to happen. 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:46.920 But I'm that committed to you. I'm that level of 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:49.880 commitment on. My mind's not straying, my eyes aren't straying. 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:53.720 I'm all yours. Yes, I love that. And so this 0:07:53.840 --> 0:07:57.240 goes to my next point when I talk about qualities. 0:07:57.560 --> 0:08:00.240 So again this is like not professional advice. He's just 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:04.640 things that I've wrote down. So write down what your 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.760 qualities are like. I don't know if the word is qualities, 0:08:07.800 --> 0:08:11.680 like qualities like for me, like I love laughing. Would 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:13.080 that be a quality or things I like to do? 0:08:13.160 --> 0:08:15.040 Maybe things I like to do like I love I 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:18.760 don't know, I love laughing. I used to like working out, Um, 0:08:18.800 --> 0:08:20.960 I love spending time with my family. I love spending 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:25.640 time with my friends, And are you still doing these 0:08:25.680 --> 0:08:27.960 things while you're in a relationship. So this is a 0:08:28.320 --> 0:08:31.360 holding yourself accountable to not losing yourself in a relationship, 0:08:31.400 --> 0:08:34.080 because that's something that I would do in former in 0:08:34.120 --> 0:08:37.960 other relationships. And b are you not doing these things 0:08:38.000 --> 0:08:40.400 because the person that you're with is making you so 0:08:40.480 --> 0:08:42.640 unhappy that it's taking you away from the things that 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:47.800 you love doing. M That's something that I realized about 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:52.000 some former relationships of mine. And I'm kind of in Um, 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:54.520 I'm kind of a point in my life right now 0:08:54.559 --> 0:08:57.320 where I work a lot from home. My boyfriend has 0:08:57.559 --> 0:08:59.760 his job and he leaves the house and I work 0:08:59.800 --> 0:09:03.160 from my record my podcast from my bedroom, so everything 0:09:03.200 --> 0:09:06.400 that I do is from home. And oftentimes I've realized, Wow, 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:08.319 I have not left my house all day, and it's 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:10.920 eleven o'clock at night, and it gets very sad and 0:09:11.120 --> 0:09:14.920 very lonely and very depressing because I'm constantly either on 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:17.200 my phone on my computer, and I'm not doing a 0:09:17.200 --> 0:09:20.160 lot of face to face conversations like I'm calling in, 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:22.640 but I'm not talking to anyone like I'm talking to 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:25.080 you guys, through the screen. So I found myself in 0:09:25.120 --> 0:09:27.000 a place right now where I remember on Sunday, I 0:09:27.000 --> 0:09:29.160 got really mad and I'm like, I'm going for a 0:09:29.200 --> 0:09:31.120 walk and he's like, why are you upset for. I'm like, 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:33.959 I don't know. I just I'm bored. I'm bored. We're 0:09:33.960 --> 0:09:36.320 always home, We're never doing anything. And he's like, that's 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:38.840 not true. Right now, you're just projecting all of this, 0:09:39.000 --> 0:09:43.680 like what you're going through in your personal life into 0:09:43.720 --> 0:09:46.800 the relationship. So I and he put me into my 0:09:46.880 --> 0:09:48.280 He put me in my place, and he's like, listen, 0:09:48.280 --> 0:09:51.120 hold yourself accountable. You know you love working out, Go 0:09:51.240 --> 0:09:53.240 work out. You know you love hanging out with your friends. 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:55.840 Spend more time with your friends, like make that conscious effort. 0:09:56.760 --> 0:10:01.760 Another piece of advice is no what your non negotiables are, 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:04.120 because if you're someone that just really wants to be 0:10:04.160 --> 0:10:07.679 in a relationship, sometimes you might overlook things in the 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:10.880 guy or things that you know you like hold really 0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:13.120 dear and close to your heart. But you're like, oh, 0:10:13.200 --> 0:10:15.040 but this guy really likes me. Let me ignore some 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:17.679 of the signs. So what are your core values that 0:10:17.720 --> 0:10:22.439 are your non negotiables? So for me, kids is number 0:10:22.480 --> 0:10:25.959 one I will not date a guy who doesn't want 0:10:26.040 --> 0:10:29.600 kids or it's not open to the idea of wanting kids. Um, 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:32.280 maybe you're someone that's very religious, so then you're gonna 0:10:32.280 --> 0:10:35.559 want to date someone who's open to the same religion 0:10:35.559 --> 0:10:38.880 that you're in, or having family time, or even a 0:10:38.920 --> 0:10:41.320 little things like if you're someone that wants a specific 0:10:41.400 --> 0:10:45.800 kind of lifestyle, make sure that you're with someone that's 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:49.640 able to want the same things as you do, because 0:10:49.640 --> 0:10:51.760 if not, that's going to be that level of resentment like, well, 0:10:51.800 --> 0:10:53.480 you're not giving me what I need or you're not 0:10:53.520 --> 0:10:55.480 giving me what I want. But if that's not what 0:10:55.559 --> 0:10:57.960 he's capable of giving you, then you need to look 0:10:58.000 --> 0:11:00.240 elsewhere type of thing. Does that make sense? It does 0:11:00.360 --> 0:11:02.120 make sense. I would warrant not to have too long 0:11:02.160 --> 0:11:05.400 a lift of deal breakers because sometimes you evolve and 0:11:05.400 --> 0:11:07.480 you change and you find the guy that doesn't check 0:11:07.520 --> 0:11:09.920 every box, but it turns out he's the guy. I 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:12.240 don't think I've checked all of my wife's boxes when 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:16.400 we first met, but but we became inseparable, uhh and 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:20.200 listen and those but the non negotiables for me basically 0:11:20.200 --> 0:11:23.319 have one. It's kids, Like I don't really need to 0:11:23.360 --> 0:11:25.040 be with someone that doesn't want to get married. I 0:11:25.080 --> 0:11:26.800 just want to make sure that you want to procreate. 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:29.319 And the non negotiables that I had in my twenties 0:11:29.320 --> 0:11:32.120 and versus my thirties kind of changed. In my twenties, 0:11:32.200 --> 0:11:35.520 you guys, I was the typical like anyone that's listening 0:11:35.520 --> 0:11:38.400 from Montreal. I didn't want to leave my mom's air, 0:11:38.520 --> 0:11:40.960 like wherever my mom lived. I wanted to buy a 0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:42.800 house near my mom. I wanted kind of like the 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:44.960 same lifestyle. And now I'm like living in the city 0:11:45.360 --> 0:11:47.280 and I'm in my thirties, and like, I would not 0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:49.959 have wanted what I had wanted in my twenties because 0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:52.439 I was kind of wanting the same things. I guess 0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:56.520 my family was projecting onto me. And now that I've 0:11:56.559 --> 0:11:58.319 moved out of the suburbs, and like, that's not what 0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:00.680 I wanted. Okay, couldn't an argument to not have a 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:02.520 list of deal breakers if that list is going to 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:05.600 change any way throughout your life, right, But that's what 0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:09.640 I'm saying. So there's things that are deal breakers, which 0:12:09.679 --> 0:12:12.600 are my non negotiables a wanting kids, and then there's 0:12:13.640 --> 0:12:16.280 that's never going to change, And then there's the negotiables, right, 0:12:16.320 --> 0:12:19.599 the ones that you're like, I'm willing to compromise on it. Right. So, 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:22.400 and I think when you're twenty, it's a long list, 0:12:22.559 --> 0:12:24.520 and then when you're thirty it's a shorter list, and 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:26.800 then when you're forty, it's getting pretty short because you 0:12:26.840 --> 0:12:30.439 realize that well, I mean, perhaps there's a level of 0:12:30.520 --> 0:12:32.880 desire just for that person, but also there's a level 0:12:32.920 --> 0:12:34.600 of you know what, there's a lot of people in 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:37.000 the world. It's a very diverse, wonderful world, and maybe 0:12:37.040 --> 0:12:39.400 I can get to know we can come together on 0:12:39.520 --> 0:12:44.160 certain things. So, like I said, yeah, the non negotiables 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:48.240 and then the ones that you're willing to to to 0:12:48.320 --> 0:12:51.840 negotiate and to compromise on. So yeah, definitely do not 0:12:51.880 --> 0:12:54.000 I'm echoing what you said, do not have a long list, 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:56.480 but just know, like what are your like, who are 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:59.840 you as a person, And obviously certain things can be 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:02.679 compromise versus others that you're like, no, this is what 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:04.480 I want, and I know, you know, like I know 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:05.840 I want kids, and I know I need to be 0:13:05.880 --> 0:13:08.880 with someone that has kids. And my last one is, 0:13:09.480 --> 0:13:11.880 which might be a hard one, is to encourage each 0:13:11.920 --> 0:13:18.720 other too. How can I put this. So let's say Mark, 0:13:18.960 --> 0:13:22.559 you one day wake up and you're like, you know what, Well, 0:13:22.559 --> 0:13:24.400 maybe not a DJ, but okay, fine. Like you wake 0:13:24.480 --> 0:13:26.280 up and you're like, you tell your wife, I want 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:28.800 to become a DJ, and you want to make sure 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:31.520 you're with a partner who's going to encourage you to 0:13:31.720 --> 0:13:36.240 do and have healthy goals. Right. So, I I'm a 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:40.679 firm believer that I think our educational system is kind 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:42.480 of back where it's like at sixteen years old, it's 0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:46.000 not really reasonable to think, oh, I want to become 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:48.360 this in my you know, when I'm in my twenties 0:13:48.360 --> 0:13:50.280 and in my thirties and so I'm gonna go to 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:53.520 university to study this. You can change your career path 0:13:53.640 --> 0:13:57.720 at any stage in your life, so you're not stuck 0:13:57.840 --> 0:14:01.040 to in doing the things you're doing in your twenties 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:02.880 or your thirties or your forties. You could be doing 0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:05.199 something in your twenties and you graduate to something bigger 0:14:05.240 --> 0:14:08.720 in your thirties or something completely different. And I'm someone 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:12.840 who's very much I like to be multi faceted, So 0:14:12.880 --> 0:14:15.880 I like doing different things all at once, and so 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:18.160 I want to make sure that I have a partner 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:21.120 who's gonna encourage me to follow some of my goals 0:14:21.160 --> 0:14:25.160 that are healthy, not like, oh, I'm gonna become a 0:14:25.160 --> 0:14:28.080 clown today, Like that's not really reasonable where I'm not 0:14:28.080 --> 0:14:30.840 going to really make a lifestyle. I really did actually 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:37.040 wanted to join to clown college. He encourage you know what, 0:14:37.120 --> 0:14:40.880 he probably want that thing. He's so sweet. Um So 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:44.360 those aren't my top four things that I learned in 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:46.960 the last ten months of dating Tories and studio tories 0:14:47.040 --> 0:14:49.720 or other producer. Are you in a relationship? No, but 0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:54.600 I am kind of talking to someone, Okay. So I 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:57.080 had reached out to Instagram and I told some of 0:14:57.120 --> 0:14:58.960 my followers. While I told my followers, and some of 0:14:58.960 --> 0:15:02.960 the followers did reply ask me certain questions or topics 0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:05.440 that you want to talk about on the podcast, And 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:08.880 some of them had asked, how do you know that 0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:11.240 the person that you're dating is someone that you want 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:15.280 to date long term? This is everything I needed to discuss. 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:19.960 So this person that I'm talking to is long distance, 0:15:20.640 --> 0:15:22.680 and it's really hard for me. I'm like starting to 0:15:22.760 --> 0:15:24.920 kind of like think about him, and I don't do 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:29.120 well with like codependency like that terrifies me and I 0:15:29.160 --> 0:15:32.520 think when somebody starts to make me feel like they're 0:15:32.600 --> 0:15:34.720 not like affecting your mother. But you're like, oh, like 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:36.480 I kind of hate that, I'm like thinking about you, 0:15:36.560 --> 0:15:38.520 Like that's is that a waste of time? Like I 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:42.040 really fight things on that in my brain because I 0:15:42.040 --> 0:15:45.080 just don't want somebody to ever determine how my like 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:47.000 day goes. So if you're like, oh, he's like taking 0:15:47.000 --> 0:15:49.880 a long time to respond back, I'm fine, I'm cool. No, 0:15:50.080 --> 0:15:53.840 everything's great, but like it's really not, so I hate 0:15:53.840 --> 0:15:56.440 to start to feel that way. So then now I'm like, 0:15:56.840 --> 0:16:00.440 it's so hard because long distance you can don't really 0:16:00.480 --> 0:16:04.440 have the quality time needed to progress to know, Okay, 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:06.560 I do want to keep spending time with you, and 0:16:06.600 --> 0:16:08.880 we have face times and they're like great, but you 0:16:08.880 --> 0:16:11.640 don't get to see somebody's really true character when you're 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:16.200 face timing. So now I'm like, is this worth investing in? Obviously, 0:16:16.240 --> 0:16:18.800 Like I'm still like going on data with other people, 0:16:19.600 --> 0:16:22.600 but it's it's like hard because you're like like do 0:16:22.640 --> 0:16:24.600 I need to just kind of like let this one go? 0:16:25.360 --> 0:16:27.000 But then why am I thinking about him? But then 0:16:27.040 --> 0:16:28.840 if he's long distance and I don't really get to 0:16:28.880 --> 0:16:31.840 see those moments of just kind of I don't know 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:33.280 the moment you need to see if you want to 0:16:33.320 --> 0:16:36.000 keep progressing or not. So that's why I am having 0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:39.600 a hard time relating to maybe what yours were, because 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:41.040 I am like in the midst of it, and I'm like, 0:16:41.040 --> 0:16:45.360 I don't know what it is you guys met in person. Yes, okay, 0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:50.440 well that's that's a good stuff. Um So in relation 0:16:50.520 --> 0:16:54.280 to your code dependency, I totally agree. But there's just 0:16:54.360 --> 0:16:56.400 one quote. I don't remember who said it, and I 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:58.840 want to read it to you into anyone listening. If 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:02.240 you suffer, it is because of you. If you feel blissful, 0:17:02.400 --> 0:17:05.480 it is because of you. Nobody else is responsible, only 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:07.800 you and you alone. You are your hell and your 0:17:07.800 --> 0:17:11.760 heaven too. And it's so true because when you're when 0:17:11.760 --> 0:17:14.480 you're I remember saying, like, I love being single. I 0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:16.720 feel like I'm my best self when I'm single, Like 0:17:16.960 --> 0:17:19.840 I'm happy, like no one could ruin my mood. I'm 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:23.560 not dependent on anyone else's people responding to me or 0:17:23.640 --> 0:17:26.040 not responding to me, or how they react to something 0:17:26.119 --> 0:17:28.119 that I do or say, and how that's gonna affect 0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:29.720 my day to day. But at the end of the 0:17:29.800 --> 0:17:31.760 day after I read this quote, I'm like, it is 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:34.720 so true. No one else has control of your emotions, 0:17:34.760 --> 0:17:36.719 no one else has control of your brain. You go 0:17:36.760 --> 0:17:38.720 to bed with yourself and you wake up with yourself 0:17:38.920 --> 0:17:42.560 every single morning. So you should never allow which is 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.960 so easy to say it, right, but having that balance 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:49.560 of understanding if someone is not responding to you, or 0:17:49.760 --> 0:17:51.520 they respond to you like in a way that you 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:54.280 don't you didn't expect. I mean, that's something that's going 0:17:54.320 --> 0:17:57.480 on with them, you know, like you can't hold that 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:01.080 energy over yourself and make that ruin your it. It's true. 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:05.600 I hate that now in technology, we're so affected by 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:07.639 not just one outlet of like, oh, this guy is 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:09.359 not taking on a date. I'm okay, well he didn't 0:18:09.359 --> 0:18:12.160 text me back. Okay, well I know he's done with um, 0:18:12.320 --> 0:18:15.920 like his work, so now he why wouldn't he want 0:18:15.920 --> 0:18:17.200 to call me? Or like, okay, we set up a 0:18:17.200 --> 0:18:19.600 FaceTime date, but then he hasn't communicated with me yet 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:21.720 and when he's going to call me? And I hate 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:24.480 that now have so many different outlets to be stressed about. 0:18:24.560 --> 0:18:26.840 And I'm not like I don't really get stressed easily. 0:18:27.480 --> 0:18:30.640 But then I'm having to constantly reroute my mindset, which 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:33.240 I'm okay with, but it gets really conflicting of being 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:36.000 like I'm wasting so much energy almost on a situation. 0:18:36.040 --> 0:18:38.640 I don't know that's worth it because you're a long 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:41.760 distance and I'm trying to be a team player. But 0:18:41.840 --> 0:18:43.720 it is really hard because you can't be like, hey, 0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:45.760 I really hate when you don't text me back even 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:47.800 though we've only really hung out for about three weeks, 0:18:48.200 --> 0:18:50.720 you know, because I'm like, we're not dating, so it's 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:56.280 super hard. I know. I remember someone had just recently 0:18:56.320 --> 0:18:58.280 asked me likesa, how did you go on the Bachelor? 0:18:58.400 --> 0:19:00.240 Like you know that he's dating all these other roles. 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:02.879 I'm like, yeah, but at least I know that he 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:05.240 has to be dating as you girls like in the 0:19:05.280 --> 0:19:07.960 real world. I don't know, like, how do you know 0:19:09.040 --> 0:19:12.240 when do you ask the person? Are you dating other people? 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:14.959 Are we going to be exclusive? Is three months too early? 0:19:15.320 --> 0:19:18.960 Is three weeks too early? I know? I think if 0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:23.760 you feel like you're really into this guy, and I'm 0:19:23.800 --> 0:19:26.800 I love I love doing long distance, I kind of 0:19:26.800 --> 0:19:29.000 do too. I don't like the beginning of it, but 0:19:29.080 --> 0:19:31.080 I do like how we can both be independent with 0:19:31.119 --> 0:19:35.960 our lives. But marking a long distance if there's no 0:19:36.040 --> 0:19:39.240