Speaker 1: I Ami Imlah I had a baby daddy relationship. I
Speaker 1: spend time in a relationship with a married man. I
Speaker 1: had to learn the skills and tools required to make
Speaker 1: my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot,
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. When
Speaker 1: there's a breakdown in the relationship, it's hard on the
Speaker 1: people involved. But here's the truth, it is even harder
Speaker 1: on the people watching. It's harder because they don't know
Speaker 1: if they have to pick a side. They can see
Speaker 1: who's responsible for what, but they can't always say it.
Speaker 1: It's hard on the people watching the breakdown and they
Speaker 1: become collateral damage. But they have to have clear boundaries
Speaker 1: and they have to know where they can and cannot tread.
Speaker 1: They have to know that the relationship can be healed.
Speaker 1: But the only way it can be healed is if
Speaker 1: the people involved in the breakdown are willing. And when
Speaker 1: they're not willing, the people who are watching the breakdown
Speaker 1: just have to stop watching, turn your head in another direct,
Speaker 1: don't look if it's hard to look at, look somewhere else.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that you don't act like it's
Speaker 1: not going on, but you just don't stick your opinion
Speaker 1: in it at all. You've got to know that no
Speaker 1: matter how bad it looks, a relationship can be healed,
Speaker 1: and you may not be the vehicle through which it
Speaker 1: is healed. Welcome to the arts about Beloved. Thank you
Speaker 1: for your patience. Now what is your challenge, issue, dilemma,
Speaker 1: problem that we can nibble on together today? Hi, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: I'm a father of four. My oldest daughter is currently
Speaker 1: a strange from her a relationship with their mom. She's
Speaker 1: twenty four years old and early on me and her
Speaker 1: mom went through a separation, divorce and she was out
Speaker 1: of my life for approximately five years. Based on things
Speaker 1: that happened immediately following a divorce, it took me an
Speaker 1: additional five years just for us to get into a
Speaker 1: really good, comfortable space, and unfortunately the downside is that
Speaker 1: she no longer has a relationship with their mother. The
Speaker 1: major dilemma that I would like to address as a
Speaker 1: would love for her to be able to have both
Speaker 1: parents in her life at the same time. He's always
Speaker 1: stated to me, try to not get involved in trying
Speaker 1: to mend fences, and I try to follow that to
Speaker 1: the sea because that's what she said she wants. But
Speaker 1: part of me, especially how I was raised with both parents,
Speaker 1: it still is an unsettled feeling for myself. Yeah, first
Speaker 1: of all, I want you to take a breath. Thank you.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're nervous or you're moving on
Speaker 1: what's going on, but take a breath. Nervous Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. Think of me as
Speaker 1: your older sister for sure. I have no heat, no judgment.
Speaker 1: I just want to support you in being the best
Speaker 1: that you can be. What a blessing that your baby
Speaker 1: girl has her dad and her life. There's so many
Speaker 1: women who would give their two front teeth to have
Speaker 1: their dad in their life. So she's blessed, and I
Speaker 1: think she's That sounds like she's very important to you,
Speaker 1: So I want to port you and being there for
Speaker 1: her and being the best that you can be. So
Speaker 1: it sounds like your greatest challenge here is that your
Speaker 1: twenty four year old daughter, with whom you now have
Speaker 1: a relationship after being absent, is estranged from her mom. Yes, ma'am,
Speaker 1: you're wanting to know how you can support her and
Speaker 1: being in relationship with her mom? Is that it? That's correct?
Speaker 1: How does her being estranged from her mother show up
Speaker 1: in her life? How is it affecting her? How is
Speaker 1: it impacting her? Just recently she got married. My daughter
Speaker 1: did just as past December, and what I noticed during
Speaker 1: that time frame, we try to call each other at
Speaker 1: least one or two times per week. She would speak
Speaker 1: about her mother and had not done so in a while.
Speaker 1: And currently every time I'm on the phone with her,
Speaker 1: she brings up her mother one way or the other.
Speaker 1: My greatest fear. I don't want her to feel betrayed
Speaker 1: by me, but that's usually how it shows up currently. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Are you in relationship with the mother? No, we do
Speaker 1: not have a relationship. It was a very difficult divorce
Speaker 1: that took place, and we don't talk at all. The
Speaker 1: last time I saw her is our youngest son's graduation,
Speaker 1: and that's actually the last time I actually talked to her,
Speaker 1: so that was about three years ago. Are you in
Speaker 1: relationship with all of the children, Yes, currently, my youngest daughter,
Speaker 1: she was the last one that came on board. We
Speaker 1: started talking just this past December, and there was a
Speaker 1: three year break of us not talking. That just we
Speaker 1: started in December. Okay, let me see if I can
Speaker 1: put it to you this way. You're not looking at
Speaker 1: your daughter not being estranged from her mother. You're looking
Speaker 1: at two women and breakdown. You've got to hold it
Speaker 1: like that in your mind. This is two women. Definitely
Speaker 1: put your foot in that at all, because as a man,
Speaker 1: you can't even begin to understand the intricate details of
Speaker 1: a breakdown between two women. You cannot because most of
Speaker 1: the time we can't understand it. What you can do
Speaker 1: is be there for your daughter. Listen to your daughter,
Speaker 1: offer her words of wisdom. If she just got married.
Speaker 1: Did the mother go to the wedding? No? Oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: though your daughter's really hurting. She's in a lot of pain.
Speaker 1: Does she have children? No, no children. She said that
Speaker 1: may be part of the future, which is a change
Speaker 1: from what she originally said that that was never going
Speaker 1: to happen. Okay, yeah, but she she's gonna have to
Speaker 1: have her first baby without her mother, and that's gonna
Speaker 1: be a problem for her. And the thing that you
Speaker 1: can weigh in the door is I understand that you're
Speaker 1: upset and separated from your mom, but what are some
Speaker 1: of the things that she did that. You don't want
Speaker 1: to do because that's going to be a question. You know,
Speaker 1: she's probably trying so hard not to be like her mother.
Speaker 1: Do you know why they separated? What was the breakdown about.
Speaker 1: It's something that kind of brewed over time period. I
Speaker 1: can say that the very last strong is that my
Speaker 1: daughter is by racial. Her mother is Caucasian, I'm black,
Speaker 1: and certain traditions stayed around the house after I left,
Speaker 1: and they were talking politics. She was in her back
Speaker 1: in her third year in school, and there was a
Speaker 1: discussion about at the table, they were just talking about
Speaker 1: war and veteran stuff. And my daughter has a very
Speaker 1: straight hard line and that sam when it comes to it.
Speaker 1: She supports her dad. She loves her dad, the veteran,
Speaker 1: but she has a hardline about war and the military itself.
Speaker 1: And her mother looked at her and says, you're an
Speaker 1: angry black woman. Oh, held lady told her daughter, you're
Speaker 1: an angry black woman. Yeah. I think how it was
Speaker 1: termed is more of a question, which she's like, I
Speaker 1: don't know what happened to my daughter, but why are
Speaker 1: you such an angry black woman? And there was an
Speaker 1: ex company at the table. My ex wife's boyfriend was
Speaker 1: there at the table when she says that, and her
Speaker 1: siblings at the table, and I know that was played
Speaker 1: a larger role into the separation. I think that the
Speaker 1: mark with things changed. Wow, that gives this a whole
Speaker 1: new flavor. But I'm not going to move off my
Speaker 1: original point. Daddy, you can't put your foot in this
Speaker 1: at all, not at all. And now you really can't
Speaker 1: put your foot in it. You got a white woman
Speaker 1: and a black woman and upset. Oh my goodness, are
Speaker 1: the other children in relationship with their mom? My youngest
Speaker 1: son just recently broke away from his mom, and that
Speaker 1: was pretty surprising. I think that took place when it happened.
Speaker 1: But my son, I again, he's one of the out
Speaker 1: of the four, he's one of the two that don't
Speaker 1: have a current relationship with their mom. Wow, it sounds
Speaker 1: to me, and I don't know this to be true,
Speaker 1: because I'm sure she has her perspective, but it sounds
Speaker 1: to me like mom might need to do some work
Speaker 1: and that she might be the focus of attention. And again,
Speaker 1: all you can do is support her. I don't know
Speaker 1: how that feels to have your mother ask you such
Speaker 1: a question. I know, in this day and age, being
Speaker 1: bi racial is a lot easier than it was in
Speaker 1: my time, But still still to have that come out
Speaker 1: of your mother's mouth is I don't even know what
Speaker 1: that is. I don't know what the word for it is.
Speaker 1: But if you have children, are you going to let
Speaker 1: your mom see them? Do you know how important a
Speaker 1: grandmother is in a grandchild's life. Mothers love their children,
Speaker 1: grandmothers adore them. You just have to think about it.
Speaker 1: These are things that you can just broach with her
Speaker 1: when you talk to her about her mom. What does
Speaker 1: she say? There are certain discussions that pop up, like
Speaker 1: I have. I found a bunch of pictures from there,
Speaker 1: from her childhood, and I started sending messages. Of course,
Speaker 1: she wouldn't remember them, and she'd find herself next to
Speaker 1: someone in a a picture and she would say, Hey, dad,
Speaker 1: who is this? Is this my real mother? In her mind,
Speaker 1: it's I don't know why my own mother doesn't like me.
Speaker 1: For about two years, she wouldn't even bring up her
Speaker 1: mother in a discussion. But since the wedding, it's these
Speaker 1: things become more questioned, and I think she's just trying
Speaker 1: to figure out what happened regarding her relationship with her mom,
Speaker 1: and she says to you stay out of it, right. Yes,
Speaker 1: she's like that, I love you, but this. You can't
Speaker 1: help this. I don't want you to. If me and
Speaker 1: my mother are gonna resolve things, that has to be
Speaker 1: done by her choice, and she has to make that
Speaker 1: first step. The mother has to make the first step. Correct. Yeah, again,
Speaker 1: all you can do is off for words of wisdom.
Speaker 1: When the time comes and you have your first child,
Speaker 1: you know you're gonna want your mom there. So I
Speaker 1: hope you can resolve whatever this difficulty is before then,
Speaker 1: or when you have problems in your marriage. If you
Speaker 1: have questions or challenges, you want your mom to be
Speaker 1: a soft place for you to fall, right. I hope
Speaker 1: that you will think about those things. But I agree
Speaker 1: with her. Don't put your foot in that, particularly if
Speaker 1: you and her mother didn't part on good company, on
Speaker 1: good terms. Just be there for her daddy. So you
Speaker 1: when she has her first baby, you have to go, Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll do with your iPhone, with your iPhone and take
Speaker 1: the pictures. Yeah, definitely, this is a little subversive, but
Speaker 1: you can do this when you know things happen and
Speaker 1: send you send them to the mom. Can you do that?
Speaker 1: Just wanted to share this with you. I can. Did
Speaker 1: you share wedding pictures with her? I did not. That
Speaker 1: was one of those things she specifically said, don't do.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, yeah, honor that and just know if nothing else,
Speaker 1: this is not about your daughter being in breakdown with
Speaker 1: her mother. Take it off of that, because that's gonna
Speaker 1: pull a heart string for you. This is about two
Speaker 1: women in breakdown, and really there really is nothing that
Speaker 1: you can do, particularly because your daughter has said stay
Speaker 1: out of it. That. Well, I'm glad she's got you, daddy.
Speaker 1: I'm glad she's got you. One of the greatest joys
Speaker 1: of my life. So I am thankful. And I don't
Speaker 1: know if you're praying, man, but I would pray about it.
Speaker 1: I will. I will definitely ask the angels, the guardians,
Speaker 1: the ancestors, the guy to bring this to healing for
Speaker 1: the highest good of everybody involved. Okay, thank you. I
Speaker 1: don't have many broken relationships in my life, but one
Speaker 1: that is broken for me is my relationship with my
Speaker 1: youngest daughter. And as a mom, it is heartbreaking, gut
Speaker 1: wrenching to know that my baby girl is out there
Speaker 1: in the world and doesn't want me to be a
Speaker 1: part of her life. But as a woman, I have
Speaker 1: to respect her choice. I'm her mother, and the power
Speaker 1: don't run up, it runs down. So if she has
Speaker 1: made the choice that she'd rather be out in the
Speaker 1: world without her mom, if I'm not a soft place
Speaker 1: for her to fall, if she can't trust my voice
Speaker 1: and my intentions, then maybe it's just best that we
Speaker 1: not be in relationship. And just like my last guest,
Speaker 1: I'm sure it's really hard on the people watching, but
Speaker 1: all I can do is hold a space for her,
Speaker 1: because sometime the healing is in letting it go. And
Speaker 1: even though the people watching and the people all around you,
Speaker 1: they try to give you suggestions and recommendations to sell them,
Speaker 1: I'm willing to be totally, incompletely responsible, but I'm letting
Speaker 1: go now. My next caller is dealing with the same issue.
Speaker 1: But as long as you hold on, healing can happen.
Speaker 1: We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the our spot. We are continuing our conversation about
Speaker 1: letting go until the healing happens. Thank you for calling
Speaker 1: our spot. Now. What is your relationship challenge issue dilemma
Speaker 1: that I can support you in today, I've been watching
Speaker 1: my closest family members, the closest to me, fall apart,
Speaker 1: so to speak. Within the past three years, we lost
Speaker 1: one family member to suicide, one had a heart condition
Speaker 1: that took him pretty quickly, and some others that have
Speaker 1: exhibited mental illness. And I have what I call like
Speaker 1: Superman complex where I want to fix things, and I
Speaker 1: want to fix things I don't have control over, especially
Speaker 1: as it relates to my loved ones. And I've noticed
Speaker 1: that the connection that we've had as a family is
Speaker 1: fading because of these things, and it's had a profound
Speaker 1: effect on me, especially as a new mother. I just
Speaker 1: had a baby recently. So I'm looking to know how
Speaker 1: I can best navigate this because I'm watching the ones
Speaker 1: that I loved most thinking to depression, addiction, hopelessness, and
Speaker 1: I feel helpless myself. I do listen to your show,
Speaker 1: and I know you talk a lot about faith, but
Speaker 1: prayer it doesn't feel like it's always enough. And these
Speaker 1: are people I interact with every day. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: do you have a pencil and a piece of paper?
Speaker 1: I can get one, Okay, then I don't want you
Speaker 1: to have to do that. Because you've been holding so long.
Speaker 1: So I want you to hear this. I'm going to
Speaker 1: write it down for you. Okay, frightened control freak. Did
Speaker 1: you hear what I said, frightened control freak? Yes? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I didn't think I was going there, did you. Control
Speaker 1: freak is not good? Yeah, no, it's not. It's not
Speaker 1: good at all. And I think the most disturbing thing
Speaker 1: I heard you say was the prayer doesn't seem like
Speaker 1: it's enough. So that says to me, not only is
Speaker 1: there a little manic control freak running around someplace in
Speaker 1: the left quadrant of your brain, you also have a
Speaker 1: predetermined scenario of what you think this should look like.
Speaker 1: And if you're praying and it still looks the same,
Speaker 1: how do you know what that person's spiritual contract is
Speaker 1: and what they have to go through and what they
Speaker 1: have to experience in order to get to where they
Speaker 1: need to be. It may look like addiction, it may
Speaker 1: look like depression, it may look like hopelessness. But how
Speaker 1: do you know in the midst of your prayer that's
Speaker 1: it not exactly what it needs to look like right
Speaker 1: now to get to where they need to be? How
Speaker 1: do you know that I don't know that, but it's
Speaker 1: sometimes hard to think about the journey when I'm so
Speaker 1: hearing and i feel like I'm watching something dangerous happen.
Speaker 1: That's the other part, the frightened part. But you see,
Speaker 1: there are only two emotions that matter. The first one
Speaker 1: is love and the second one is fear. And when
Speaker 1: you are in fear, you cannot be in love because
Speaker 1: no two things can occupy the same space at the
Speaker 1: same time. So you're in fear because it doesn't look
Speaker 1: like you think it should look, and you don't feel
Speaker 1: or know what to do about it. That's creating for you, knew, Mama,
Speaker 1: it definitely is. So I want to share with you
Speaker 1: two things and maybe one of them will fit. Okay.
Speaker 1: I had a very dear friend. Actually, she was one
Speaker 1: of my students, and I love her dearly. And she
Speaker 1: was in the throes of a crippling depression, rippling almost
Speaker 1: to the point where she wouldn't comb her hair every day,
Speaker 1: but she kept getting up and she kept coming to class.
Speaker 1: Sometimes she would come the class and just weep. She
Speaker 1: would try to get the work done and couldn't get
Speaker 1: the work done. And I'm looking at this and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: my God, what do I do? Right? So I did
Speaker 1: what I know how to do best, which is pray,
Speaker 1: help her God, show me what to do. That's that
Speaker 1: was really my prayer. I didn't even say help her God,
Speaker 1: tell a jeuth. I'm telling the jrue, okay. I would say,
Speaker 1: show me what to do? What do I need to do?
Speaker 1: How can I help her? And to me, it looked
Speaker 1: like it was getting worse, to the point where if
Speaker 1: I didn't hear from her, like in three or four days,
Speaker 1: I'd send people a call and check on her and
Speaker 1: make sure she hadn't harmed herself. That's how bad it was. Yeah,
Speaker 1: until one day I was praying, and what came to
Speaker 1: me is you're praying the wrong prayer. You're asking your creator,
Speaker 1: your source, what you need to do to fix this,
Speaker 1: as opposed to turning it over and letting create a
Speaker 1: source God fix it. I said, oh, my goodness, So
Speaker 1: I change my prayer to I'm placing her in your hands.
Speaker 1: I know you love her. I don't like what this
Speaker 1: looks like. I don't like what it feels like. And
Speaker 1: I prayed that prayer and after I don't know, maybe
Speaker 1: a month or two. You know what, I heard. But
Speaker 1: I heard this, I'll meet her on the other side.
Speaker 1: I was like, whoa, I'll meet her on the other side.
Speaker 1: So that let me know two things. Number One, my
Speaker 1: prayer had been heard, and number two, she was going
Speaker 1: to get through this. And if it was too hard
Speaker 1: for me to look at, I stopped looking. I kept praying,
Speaker 1: but I stopped looking. I stopped looking, I stopped calling,
Speaker 1: I stopped worrying. I stopped making up all kinds of
Speaker 1: horrifying scenarios in my mind about her harming herself or
Speaker 1: ended up homeless on the street, eating cat food, all
Speaker 1: of the stuff that I was tormenting myself with. I
Speaker 1: stopped it. I've been there because I had that word, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll meet her on the other side. That also told
Speaker 1: me that something greater than me was in it with her.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you? It does? It does.
Speaker 1: It takes a found amount of letting go to get there. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: And the other thing that I had to really embrace,
Speaker 1: particularly you said you're a new mama. I'm an old mama.
Speaker 1: When my young ends, when my pups, when my babies,
Speaker 1: we're going through a difficult tone and I was twisting
Speaker 1: myself in a Pretzel trying to keep them from hitting
Speaker 1: rock bottom, because to me, rock bottom. They were looking
Speaker 1: at rock bottom, okay, And as mama, I want to
Speaker 1: fix it, change it, throw money at it, throw people
Speaker 1: at it, everything to fix it and change it. Until
Speaker 1: I was reading something one day and I came across
Speaker 1: this line and it said, it's very hard to watch
Speaker 1: your loved ones hit rock bottom until you remember that
Speaker 1: God made the rock. Wow. And what I took from
Speaker 1: that was maybe they've got to get down there to
Speaker 1: find their strength, their faith, their trust, their relationship with God.
Speaker 1: That's when they are going to have to pray for themselves. See,
Speaker 1: we don't know what anybody's spiritual contract is. We don't
Speaker 1: know what they came here to learn or do or accomplish.
Speaker 1: And as long as we're afraid, it's saying two things
Speaker 1: that we don't believe. First of all, that God can
Speaker 1: save them, and second of all, that they have the
Speaker 1: wherewithal to save themselves. Since we've had a suicide, I
Speaker 1: think that kind of took away my ability in a
Speaker 1: way to see that someone could save themselves. But I
Speaker 1: sometimes just imagine the worst case scenario if someone goes
Speaker 1: through enough suffering they'll take themselves away. People don't commit
Speaker 1: suicide because they want to die. People commit suicide because
Speaker 1: they don't know how to live. They don't know how
Speaker 1: to end the pain. They don't really want to die,
Speaker 1: they just haven't prayed the prayer or found the way,
Speaker 1: or found the fortitude whatever it is required to move
Speaker 1: through the pain. So to end the pain, they end
Speaker 1: their lives. But there's always a way to end the pain.
Speaker 1: And one person committing suicide, as challenging and difficult as
Speaker 1: it is, that may have been their contract, that has
Speaker 1: nothing to do with anybody else. But you got to
Speaker 1: give up this control piece. I don't know which is worse,
Speaker 1: the control or the fear. For the horrible combination too.
Speaker 1: It's like drinking poison expecting somebody else to die. Oh
Speaker 1: my goodness, I know we'll talk about that right after
Speaker 1: this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get
Speaker 1: back to the conversation. This is gonna sound horrible, but
Speaker 1: it's the only way I know you're gonna get out
Speaker 1: of this is to see the worst and work yourself
Speaker 1: through it. See the worst and work yourself through it.
Speaker 1: What that means is, let's say I heard you say
Speaker 1: something about drug abuse. So let's say that person is
Speaker 1: strung out or out on the streets and you know,
Speaker 1: gets beat up or gets arrested or God forbid overdoses.
Speaker 1: How would you feel? How would you feel? Work yourself
Speaker 1: through that so that you can clear that out, because
Speaker 1: you're not going to be able to see anything higher
Speaker 1: as long as you're fighting against acknowledging the lower. And
Speaker 1: if you love these people, love them enough to see
Speaker 1: them higher even though your eyes are looking at rock bottom.
Speaker 1: Remember who made the rock, love them enough to see
Speaker 1: them higher. I know you can do this. I know
Speaker 1: You've got the strengthen there, and I'm calling it forward
Speaker 1: in you right now. You're better than this, You're more
Speaker 1: than this, and you may have to pray that prayer
Speaker 1: for a long time, but God will meet them on
Speaker 1: the other side. I never thought about it that way.
Speaker 1: That's because you've let your control freak run them up.
Speaker 1: I just want it to be right. It is right,
Speaker 1: because that's what it is. That's what it is right now,
Speaker 1: and it is right. Can they get better? Yes? Right?
Speaker 1: These people people weren't always like this. Is that accurate?
Speaker 1: That's true? Yes? Yeah? So where is that that kept
Speaker 1: it at Bay for so long. Yeah, I just love
Speaker 1: them so much. I just I know I never imagine
Speaker 1: that my own failing, my closest family members, with so
Speaker 1: many of them would be in the state. Will love
Speaker 1: them enough to know that this is what they have
Speaker 1: to go through at this time. Stop thinking that you
Speaker 1: know where they should be, because you don't. This is
Speaker 1: where they are and it's hard. I'm hearing me. It's hard.
Speaker 1: And don't try to talk them out of it, shame
Speaker 1: them in it. You know, it's a simple statement. I
Speaker 1: see so much better for you, and I'm praying that
Speaker 1: you get there. Simple if you don't mind me asking
Speaker 1: how many times a day do you pray? I pray
Speaker 1: all day. I'm praying right now. I'm prayer for you.
Speaker 1: I don't have to stop and kneel down and go
Speaker 1: in the corner. And I don't have to do that
Speaker 1: because I know that every thought I think is a prayer.
Speaker 1: Every word I speak as a prayer. That's why I
Speaker 1: say to you, go to the worst, work yourself through
Speaker 1: it and get higher. Because you're thinking or hold trying
Speaker 1: not to think about the worst possible outcome, that's a prayer.
Speaker 1: That's a prayer. Every thought is a prayer, and this
Speaker 1: is horrible. That's a prayer. You're sending that energy out.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, they shouldn't be like this. That's a prayer.
Speaker 1: And so is This is getting better. May not look
Speaker 1: better right now, but this is shifting, this is turning around.
Speaker 1: And I'm so grateful. And it may be hard based
Speaker 1: on what you're looking at, but you want to send
Speaker 1: that prayer out there too, right. I'm praying for you
Speaker 1: in your new band, baby, Thank you so much that
Speaker 1: you can take some of this energy that you're dispensing
Speaker 1: over things you can control and turn it on your baby.
Speaker 1: And I'm praying that you elevate that fear into love,
Speaker 1: real true love, and know that the same creator that
Speaker 1: holds you near holds them near. We don't know the
Speaker 1: good that's on the other side of this, We just don't.
Speaker 1: And it's hard to look at. Right. My brother was
Speaker 1: cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, and after a while
Speaker 1: I just stopped looking. I couldn't look no more. I
Speaker 1: stopped looking. Wow, thinking every day he's gonna get better,
Speaker 1: He's gonna get better. I stopped. And how long did
Speaker 1: it take you to get there? Or it's just a
Speaker 1: natural thing. You just got there. No, he was my
Speaker 1: older brother, addicted to drugs and alcohol from the I mean,
Speaker 1: was sixteen years old. And I didn't stop looking until
Speaker 1: we were like in our forties. Wow, but I just
Speaker 1: couldn't look no more. I couldn't look. I told him,
Speaker 1: don't call me, don't call me. If this is how
Speaker 1: you want to be, don't call me. And that was
Speaker 1: really hard, and he didn't call for five years. It's
Speaker 1: a long time, I y'all. It's a long time, seeing
Speaker 1: as it stands at being nervous rect an entire five Ye,
Speaker 1: that's the control freak in you that to put her
Speaker 1: to rest, because really, what can you do? What can
Speaker 1: you do? My brother never came to me and said
Speaker 1: will you help me with my addiction? Never he'd come
Speaker 1: to me and say can I have some money? He
Speaker 1: never said I want to stop using can you help me? Well,
Speaker 1: they really do. And then I guess in separating myself
Speaker 1: from it, I used to think separating myself from it,
Speaker 1: which just as bad as being around everyone and wishing
Speaker 1: I could help. And I feel like what you've given me,
Speaker 1: it is a medium, is a place that maybe I
Speaker 1: can be in Because it was pulling me both sides. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I would say again, in your prayers and in
Speaker 1: your affirmations or in your positive mind state, whatever you
Speaker 1: want to call it, turn it over. Acknowledge your frailty.
Speaker 1: I know there's nothing I can do about this. I'm
Speaker 1: turning it over to something greater than me, greater than that. Right, Okay,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be okay. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1: And don't awfulize, don't expect the worst, because it sounds
Speaker 1: like you're doing that too. You're traumatizing yourself. Yeah, I do.
Speaker 1: You have a frightened control freak running a Mork in
Speaker 1: your mind. Give her her name and give her something
Speaker 1: else to do. I know what you can give her
Speaker 1: to do. You want to give her something else to do.
Speaker 1: Send her to the House of Representatives in Washington. Tell
Speaker 1: her to teach them how to vote for the good
Speaker 1: of the people. Okay. Let her work on that. Okay,
Speaker 1: right down to Washington, d C. And let her wrangle
Speaker 1: up them politicians down there. Let her work on that.
Speaker 1: So anytime you start thinking about how horrible this is
Speaker 1: and your family walk, get on the bus, go to DC,
Speaker 1: go down to the House of representative. Go into the Senate.
Speaker 1: Go someone, go over there and work with them. People.
Speaker 1: Leave me alone. Okay, let her wrangle that up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: send her, give her a name. Tell her, Betty, I
Speaker 1: need you to go down to DC. They need you
Speaker 1: in the Senate right now. They're trying to do They
Speaker 1: trying to make some bills go down. They work on them.
Speaker 1: Leave me alone, okay, okay. Strengthen your prayers, beloved, Strengthen
Speaker 1: your prayers, and get out of the middle of it,
Speaker 1: all right, Okay, thank you so so much, Thank you
Speaker 1: for your patience. Of course, bye bye. Loving people and
Speaker 1: wanting the best for them is a very different thing
Speaker 1: than trying to control what they do. And sometimes when
Speaker 1: we love people and we want the best for them,
Speaker 1: we also think that we know how to bring their
Speaker 1: best about and that's not always true. And when we
Speaker 1: don't make the distinction between loving people and controlling people,
Speaker 1: between wanting the best for some people those people that
Speaker 1: we love, and trying to make it look the way
Speaker 1: we think it should look. When we don't make that distinction,
Speaker 1: we create unnecessary stress for ourselves, and that stress will
Speaker 1: impact the relationship. Loving somebody and controlling somebody two completely
Speaker 1: different things at If you love somebody, you want to
Speaker 1: see the best for them, hold the best for them,
Speaker 1: know the best for them, without trying to make it
Speaker 1: happen the way you think it's supposed to happen. I
Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you
Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace. The R Spot is
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For
Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.