1 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:08,720 Speaker 1: I Ami Imlah I had a baby daddy relationship. I 2 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,840 Speaker 1: spend time in a relationship with a married man. I 3 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:15,960 Speaker 1: had to learn the skills and tools required to make 4 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,960 Speaker 1: my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot, 5 00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:38,840 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. When 6 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,879 Speaker 1: there's a breakdown in the relationship, it's hard on the 7 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,720 Speaker 1: people involved. But here's the truth, it is even harder 8 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 1: on the people watching. It's harder because they don't know 9 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,880 Speaker 1: if they have to pick a side. They can see 10 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:59,400 Speaker 1: who's responsible for what, but they can't always say it. 11 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 1: It's hard on the people watching the breakdown and they 12 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:07,840 Speaker 1: become collateral damage. But they have to have clear boundaries 13 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: and they have to know where they can and cannot tread. 14 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:16,200 Speaker 1: They have to know that the relationship can be healed. 15 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,800 Speaker 1: But the only way it can be healed is if 16 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 1: the people involved in the breakdown are willing. And when 17 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:26,280 Speaker 1: they're not willing, the people who are watching the breakdown 18 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:32,200 Speaker 1: just have to stop watching, turn your head in another direct, 19 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: don't look if it's hard to look at, look somewhere else. 20 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,680 Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that you don't act like it's 21 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,920 Speaker 1: not going on, but you just don't stick your opinion 22 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:46,280 Speaker 1: in it at all. You've got to know that no 23 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:50,520 Speaker 1: matter how bad it looks, a relationship can be healed, 24 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 1: and you may not be the vehicle through which it 25 00:01:54,320 --> 00:02:00,600 Speaker 1: is healed. Welcome to the arts about Beloved. Thank you 26 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 1: for your patience. Now what is your challenge, issue, dilemma, 27 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:09,920 Speaker 1: problem that we can nibble on together today? Hi, Yes, ma'am. 28 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:14,480 Speaker 1: I'm a father of four. My oldest daughter is currently 29 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,240 Speaker 1: a strange from her a relationship with their mom. She's 30 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:22,120 Speaker 1: twenty four years old and early on me and her 31 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:24,639 Speaker 1: mom went through a separation, divorce and she was out 32 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 1: of my life for approximately five years. Based on things 33 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:33,360 Speaker 1: that happened immediately following a divorce, it took me an 34 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 1: additional five years just for us to get into a 35 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:41,639 Speaker 1: really good, comfortable space, and unfortunately the downside is that 36 00:02:41,919 --> 00:02:44,760 Speaker 1: she no longer has a relationship with their mother. The 37 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,679 Speaker 1: major dilemma that I would like to address as a 38 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,160 Speaker 1: would love for her to be able to have both 39 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 1: parents in her life at the same time. He's always 40 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,440 Speaker 1: stated to me, try to not get involved in trying 41 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:59,160 Speaker 1: to mend fences, and I try to follow that to 42 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,920 Speaker 1: the sea because that's what she said she wants. But 43 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,160 Speaker 1: part of me, especially how I was raised with both parents, 44 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:11,720 Speaker 1: it still is an unsettled feeling for myself. Yeah, first 45 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:18,520 Speaker 1: of all, I want you to take a breath. Thank you. 46 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,679 Speaker 1: I don't know if you're nervous or you're moving on 47 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: what's going on, but take a breath. Nervous Yeah, no, 48 00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:29,040 Speaker 1: don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. Think of me as 49 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:33,840 Speaker 1: your older sister for sure. I have no heat, no judgment. 50 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,640 Speaker 1: I just want to support you in being the best 51 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: that you can be. What a blessing that your baby 52 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:45,240 Speaker 1: girl has her dad and her life. There's so many 53 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:48,200 Speaker 1: women who would give their two front teeth to have 54 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:54,240 Speaker 1: their dad in their life. So she's blessed, and I 55 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 1: think she's That sounds like she's very important to you, 56 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 1: So I want to port you and being there for 57 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,520 Speaker 1: her and being the best that you can be. So 58 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 1: it sounds like your greatest challenge here is that your 59 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 1: twenty four year old daughter, with whom you now have 60 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 1: a relationship after being absent, is estranged from her mom. Yes, ma'am, 61 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 1: you're wanting to know how you can support her and 62 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:29,200 Speaker 1: being in relationship with her mom? Is that it? That's correct? 63 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 1: How does her being estranged from her mother show up 64 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 1: in her life? How is it affecting her? How is 65 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:42,320 Speaker 1: it impacting her? Just recently she got married. My daughter 66 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: did just as past December, and what I noticed during 67 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,040 Speaker 1: that time frame, we try to call each other at 68 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,039 Speaker 1: least one or two times per week. She would speak 69 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:57,320 Speaker 1: about her mother and had not done so in a while. 70 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: And currently every time I'm on the phone with her, 71 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 1: she brings up her mother one way or the other. 72 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,839 Speaker 1: My greatest fear. I don't want her to feel betrayed 73 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 1: by me, but that's usually how it shows up currently. Yeah, 74 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,159 Speaker 1: Are you in relationship with the mother? No, we do 75 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:19,279 Speaker 1: not have a relationship. It was a very difficult divorce 76 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:23,240 Speaker 1: that took place, and we don't talk at all. The 77 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:27,440 Speaker 1: last time I saw her is our youngest son's graduation, 78 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:30,120 Speaker 1: and that's actually the last time I actually talked to her, 79 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:34,279 Speaker 1: so that was about three years ago. Are you in 80 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 1: relationship with all of the children, Yes, currently, my youngest daughter, 81 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:41,760 Speaker 1: she was the last one that came on board. We 82 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:46,560 Speaker 1: started talking just this past December, and there was a 83 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:50,280 Speaker 1: three year break of us not talking. That just we 84 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 1: started in December. Okay, let me see if I can 85 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 1: put it to you this way. You're not looking at 86 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:06,080 Speaker 1: your daughter not being estranged from her mother. You're looking 87 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:10,200 Speaker 1: at two women and breakdown. You've got to hold it 88 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:14,720 Speaker 1: like that in your mind. This is two women. Definitely 89 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:19,159 Speaker 1: put your foot in that at all, because as a man, 90 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:25,440 Speaker 1: you can't even begin to understand the intricate details of 91 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:30,240 Speaker 1: a breakdown between two women. You cannot because most of 92 00:06:30,279 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 1: the time we can't understand it. What you can do 93 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: is be there for your daughter. Listen to your daughter, 94 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:41,839 Speaker 1: offer her words of wisdom. If she just got married. 95 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:48,040 Speaker 1: Did the mother go to the wedding? No? Oh, yeah, 96 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:52,359 Speaker 1: though your daughter's really hurting. She's in a lot of pain. 97 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 1: Does she have children? No, no children. She said that 98 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,000 Speaker 1: may be part of the future, which is a change 99 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,039 Speaker 1: from what she originally said that that was never going 100 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:08,800 Speaker 1: to happen. Okay, yeah, but she she's gonna have to 101 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: have her first baby without her mother, and that's gonna 102 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: be a problem for her. And the thing that you 103 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 1: can weigh in the door is I understand that you're 104 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 1: upset and separated from your mom, but what are some 105 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: of the things that she did that. You don't want 106 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 1: to do because that's going to be a question. You know, 107 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:37,320 Speaker 1: she's probably trying so hard not to be like her mother. 108 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:41,040 Speaker 1: Do you know why they separated? What was the breakdown about. 109 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,200 Speaker 1: It's something that kind of brewed over time period. I 110 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:47,560 Speaker 1: can say that the very last strong is that my 111 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:51,200 Speaker 1: daughter is by racial. Her mother is Caucasian, I'm black, 112 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,680 Speaker 1: and certain traditions stayed around the house after I left, 113 00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:00,160 Speaker 1: and they were talking politics. She was in her back 114 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 1: in her third year in school, and there was a 115 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:06,760 Speaker 1: discussion about at the table, they were just talking about 116 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,760 Speaker 1: war and veteran stuff. And my daughter has a very 117 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:12,720 Speaker 1: straight hard line and that sam when it comes to it. 118 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,520 Speaker 1: She supports her dad. She loves her dad, the veteran, 119 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:19,000 Speaker 1: but she has a hardline about war and the military itself. 120 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:23,240 Speaker 1: And her mother looked at her and says, you're an 121 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:29,880 Speaker 1: angry black woman. Oh, held lady told her daughter, you're 122 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:37,760 Speaker 1: an angry black woman. Yeah. I think how it was 123 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 1: termed is more of a question, which she's like, I 124 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,240 Speaker 1: don't know what happened to my daughter, but why are 125 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,439 Speaker 1: you such an angry black woman? And there was an 126 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 1: ex company at the table. My ex wife's boyfriend was 127 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,440 Speaker 1: there at the table when she says that, and her 128 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:57,040 Speaker 1: siblings at the table, and I know that was played 129 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,160 Speaker 1: a larger role into the separation. I think that the 130 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:06,760 Speaker 1: mark with things changed. Wow, that gives this a whole 131 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:12,080 Speaker 1: new flavor. But I'm not going to move off my 132 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 1: original point. Daddy, you can't put your foot in this 133 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:19,559 Speaker 1: at all, not at all. And now you really can't 134 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: put your foot in it. You got a white woman 135 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:27,680 Speaker 1: and a black woman and upset. Oh my goodness, are 136 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 1: the other children in relationship with their mom? My youngest 137 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,959 Speaker 1: son just recently broke away from his mom, and that 138 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:41,280 Speaker 1: was pretty surprising. I think that took place when it happened. 139 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:46,440 Speaker 1: But my son, I again, he's one of the out 140 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: of the four, he's one of the two that don't 141 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: have a current relationship with their mom. Wow, it sounds 142 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 1: to me, and I don't know this to be true, 143 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:58,680 Speaker 1: because I'm sure she has her perspective, but it sounds 144 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,080 Speaker 1: to me like mom might need to do some work 145 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 1: and that she might be the focus of attention. And again, 146 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: all you can do is support her. I don't know 147 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,960 Speaker 1: how that feels to have your mother ask you such 148 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,760 Speaker 1: a question. I know, in this day and age, being 149 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,480 Speaker 1: bi racial is a lot easier than it was in 150 00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:27,600 Speaker 1: my time, But still still to have that come out 151 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:31,959 Speaker 1: of your mother's mouth is I don't even know what 152 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 1: that is. I don't know what the word for it is. 153 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:37,559 Speaker 1: But if you have children, are you going to let 154 00:10:37,559 --> 00:10:40,920 Speaker 1: your mom see them? Do you know how important a 155 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:45,160 Speaker 1: grandmother is in a grandchild's life. Mothers love their children, 156 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: grandmothers adore them. You just have to think about it. 157 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,400 Speaker 1: These are things that you can just broach with her 158 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,360 Speaker 1: when you talk to her about her mom. What does 159 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,920 Speaker 1: she say? There are certain discussions that pop up, like 160 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,440 Speaker 1: I have. I found a bunch of pictures from there, 161 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 1: from her childhood, and I started sending messages. Of course, 162 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:12,040 Speaker 1: she wouldn't remember them, and she'd find herself next to 163 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,600 Speaker 1: someone in a a picture and she would say, Hey, dad, 164 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 1: who is this? Is this my real mother? In her mind, 165 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 1: it's I don't know why my own mother doesn't like me. 166 00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:25,200 Speaker 1: For about two years, she wouldn't even bring up her 167 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,760 Speaker 1: mother in a discussion. But since the wedding, it's these 168 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 1: things become more questioned, and I think she's just trying 169 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:37,200 Speaker 1: to figure out what happened regarding her relationship with her mom, 170 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,920 Speaker 1: and she says to you stay out of it, right. Yes, 171 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,520 Speaker 1: she's like that, I love you, but this. You can't 172 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,800 Speaker 1: help this. I don't want you to. If me and 173 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,640 Speaker 1: my mother are gonna resolve things, that has to be 174 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,800 Speaker 1: done by her choice, and she has to make that 175 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:58,560 Speaker 1: first step. The mother has to make the first step. Correct. Yeah, again, 176 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,400 Speaker 1: all you can do is off for words of wisdom. 177 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 1: When the time comes and you have your first child, 178 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 1: you know you're gonna want your mom there. So I 179 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:13,040 Speaker 1: hope you can resolve whatever this difficulty is before then, 180 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,599 Speaker 1: or when you have problems in your marriage. If you 181 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:21,080 Speaker 1: have questions or challenges, you want your mom to be 182 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:24,360 Speaker 1: a soft place for you to fall, right. I hope 183 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:29,080 Speaker 1: that you will think about those things. But I agree 184 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:32,280 Speaker 1: with her. Don't put your foot in that, particularly if 185 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:36,400 Speaker 1: you and her mother didn't part on good company, on 186 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:41,080 Speaker 1: good terms. Just be there for her daddy. So you 187 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:45,839 Speaker 1: when she has her first baby, you have to go, Okay, 188 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,640 Speaker 1: we'll do with your iPhone, with your iPhone and take 189 00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:57,040 Speaker 1: the pictures. Yeah, definitely, this is a little subversive, but 190 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,120 Speaker 1: you can do this when you know things happen and 191 00:13:00,559 --> 00:13:03,680 Speaker 1: send you send them to the mom. Can you do that? 192 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: Just wanted to share this with you. I can. Did 193 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,760 Speaker 1: you share wedding pictures with her? I did not. That 194 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,160 Speaker 1: was one of those things she specifically said, don't do. 195 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:18,800 Speaker 1: Oh okay, yeah, honor that and just know if nothing else, 196 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: this is not about your daughter being in breakdown with 197 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:26,920 Speaker 1: her mother. Take it off of that, because that's gonna 198 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 1: pull a heart string for you. This is about two 199 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:35,960 Speaker 1: women in breakdown, and really there really is nothing that 200 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 1: you can do, particularly because your daughter has said stay 201 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:45,840 Speaker 1: out of it. That. Well, I'm glad she's got you, daddy. 202 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,199 Speaker 1: I'm glad she's got you. One of the greatest joys 203 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,960 Speaker 1: of my life. So I am thankful. And I don't 204 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,600 Speaker 1: know if you're praying, man, but I would pray about it. 205 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:58,720 Speaker 1: I will. I will definitely ask the angels, the guardians, 206 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 1: the ancestors, the guy to bring this to healing for 207 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:15,760 Speaker 1: the highest good of everybody involved. Okay, thank you. I 208 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:20,040 Speaker 1: don't have many broken relationships in my life, but one 209 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,960 Speaker 1: that is broken for me is my relationship with my 210 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:31,040 Speaker 1: youngest daughter. And as a mom, it is heartbreaking, gut 211 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,720 Speaker 1: wrenching to know that my baby girl is out there 212 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,880 Speaker 1: in the world and doesn't want me to be a 213 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,560 Speaker 1: part of her life. But as a woman, I have 214 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:45,720 Speaker 1: to respect her choice. I'm her mother, and the power 215 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:50,280 Speaker 1: don't run up, it runs down. So if she has 216 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,040 Speaker 1: made the choice that she'd rather be out in the 217 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:58,480 Speaker 1: world without her mom, if I'm not a soft place 218 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:02,200 Speaker 1: for her to fall, if she can't trust my voice 219 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:05,360 Speaker 1: and my intentions, then maybe it's just best that we 220 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:10,080 Speaker 1: not be in relationship. And just like my last guest, 221 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 1: I'm sure it's really hard on the people watching, but 222 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 1: all I can do is hold a space for her, 223 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:23,360 Speaker 1: because sometime the healing is in letting it go. And 224 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:26,440 Speaker 1: even though the people watching and the people all around you, 225 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:30,000 Speaker 1: they try to give you suggestions and recommendations to sell them, 226 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:36,520 Speaker 1: I'm willing to be totally, incompletely responsible, but I'm letting 227 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:41,160 Speaker 1: go now. My next caller is dealing with the same issue. 228 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 1: But as long as you hold on, healing can happen. 229 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:56,440 Speaker 1: We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back 230 00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 1: to the our spot. We are continuing our conversation about 231 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:07,200 Speaker 1: letting go until the healing happens. Thank you for calling 232 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 1: our spot. Now. What is your relationship challenge issue dilemma 233 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:16,120 Speaker 1: that I can support you in today, I've been watching 234 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:20,280 Speaker 1: my closest family members, the closest to me, fall apart, 235 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,480 Speaker 1: so to speak. Within the past three years, we lost 236 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,680 Speaker 1: one family member to suicide, one had a heart condition 237 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 1: that took him pretty quickly, and some others that have 238 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,240 Speaker 1: exhibited mental illness. And I have what I call like 239 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: Superman complex where I want to fix things, and I 240 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,760 Speaker 1: want to fix things I don't have control over, especially 241 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,640 Speaker 1: as it relates to my loved ones. And I've noticed 242 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 1: that the connection that we've had as a family is 243 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,840 Speaker 1: fading because of these things, and it's had a profound 244 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,440 Speaker 1: effect on me, especially as a new mother. I just 245 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:59,280 Speaker 1: had a baby recently. So I'm looking to know how 246 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,800 Speaker 1: I can best navigate this because I'm watching the ones 247 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:08,040 Speaker 1: that I loved most thinking to depression, addiction, hopelessness, and 248 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 1: I feel helpless myself. I do listen to your show, 249 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,040 Speaker 1: and I know you talk a lot about faith, but 250 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 1: prayer it doesn't feel like it's always enough. And these 251 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:20,720 Speaker 1: are people I interact with every day. Oh my goodness, 252 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,959 Speaker 1: do you have a pencil and a piece of paper? 253 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:30,159 Speaker 1: I can get one, Okay, then I don't want you 254 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,479 Speaker 1: to have to do that. Because you've been holding so long. 255 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,200 Speaker 1: So I want you to hear this. I'm going to 256 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:43,920 Speaker 1: write it down for you. Okay, frightened control freak. Did 257 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:51,720 Speaker 1: you hear what I said, frightened control freak? Yes? Yeah, 258 00:17:55,640 --> 00:18:00,879 Speaker 1: I didn't think I was going there, did you. Control 259 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:05,080 Speaker 1: freak is not good? Yeah, no, it's not. It's not 260 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 1: good at all. And I think the most disturbing thing 261 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:16,359 Speaker 1: I heard you say was the prayer doesn't seem like 262 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:20,879 Speaker 1: it's enough. So that says to me, not only is 263 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,600 Speaker 1: there a little manic control freak running around someplace in 264 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:30,879 Speaker 1: the left quadrant of your brain, you also have a 265 00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:35,919 Speaker 1: predetermined scenario of what you think this should look like. 266 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,399 Speaker 1: And if you're praying and it still looks the same, 267 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:45,000 Speaker 1: how do you know what that person's spiritual contract is 268 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,120 Speaker 1: and what they have to go through and what they 269 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:52,400 Speaker 1: have to experience in order to get to where they 270 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:56,400 Speaker 1: need to be. It may look like addiction, it may 271 00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 1: look like depression, it may look like hopelessness. But how 272 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 1: do you know in the midst of your prayer that's 273 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,119 Speaker 1: it not exactly what it needs to look like right 274 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 1: now to get to where they need to be? How 275 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,600 Speaker 1: do you know that I don't know that, but it's 276 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:18,880 Speaker 1: sometimes hard to think about the journey when I'm so 277 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,639 Speaker 1: hearing and i feel like I'm watching something dangerous happen. 278 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 1: That's the other part, the frightened part. But you see, 279 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:33,400 Speaker 1: there are only two emotions that matter. The first one 280 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:37,760 Speaker 1: is love and the second one is fear. And when 281 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:42,240 Speaker 1: you are in fear, you cannot be in love because 282 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 1: no two things can occupy the same space at the 283 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:51,640 Speaker 1: same time. So you're in fear because it doesn't look 284 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:56,080 Speaker 1: like you think it should look, and you don't feel 285 00:19:56,359 --> 00:20:02,080 Speaker 1: or know what to do about it. That's creating for you, knew, Mama, 286 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,520 Speaker 1: it definitely is. So I want to share with you 287 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:10,600 Speaker 1: two things and maybe one of them will fit. Okay. 288 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:16,000 Speaker 1: I had a very dear friend. Actually, she was one 289 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 1: of my students, and I love her dearly. And she 290 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:27,360 Speaker 1: was in the throes of a crippling depression, rippling almost 291 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,760 Speaker 1: to the point where she wouldn't comb her hair every day, 292 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:35,120 Speaker 1: but she kept getting up and she kept coming to class. 293 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:39,000 Speaker 1: Sometimes she would come the class and just weep. She 294 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,040 Speaker 1: would try to get the work done and couldn't get 295 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,879 Speaker 1: the work done. And I'm looking at this and I'm like, oh, 296 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,760 Speaker 1: my God, what do I do? Right? So I did 297 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,080 Speaker 1: what I know how to do best, which is pray, 298 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:52,880 Speaker 1: help her God, show me what to do. That's that 299 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,520 Speaker 1: was really my prayer. I didn't even say help her God, 300 00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:00,120 Speaker 1: tell a jeuth. I'm telling the jrue, okay. I would say, 301 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 1: show me what to do? What do I need to do? 302 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:06,760 Speaker 1: How can I help her? And to me, it looked 303 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,880 Speaker 1: like it was getting worse, to the point where if 304 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:14,159 Speaker 1: I didn't hear from her, like in three or four days, 305 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,000 Speaker 1: I'd send people a call and check on her and 306 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:21,720 Speaker 1: make sure she hadn't harmed herself. That's how bad it was. Yeah, 307 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:26,000 Speaker 1: until one day I was praying, and what came to 308 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:31,800 Speaker 1: me is you're praying the wrong prayer. You're asking your creator, 309 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:36,399 Speaker 1: your source, what you need to do to fix this, 310 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,639 Speaker 1: as opposed to turning it over and letting create a 311 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,879 Speaker 1: source God fix it. I said, oh, my goodness, So 312 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,760 Speaker 1: I change my prayer to I'm placing her in your hands. 313 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,879 Speaker 1: I know you love her. I don't like what this 314 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,919 Speaker 1: looks like. I don't like what it feels like. And 315 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,679 Speaker 1: I prayed that prayer and after I don't know, maybe 316 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,560 Speaker 1: a month or two. You know what, I heard. But 317 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,600 Speaker 1: I heard this, I'll meet her on the other side. 318 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:08,440 Speaker 1: I was like, whoa, I'll meet her on the other side. 319 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,520 Speaker 1: So that let me know two things. Number One, my 320 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:13,919 Speaker 1: prayer had been heard, and number two, she was going 321 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,200 Speaker 1: to get through this. And if it was too hard 322 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:23,520 Speaker 1: for me to look at, I stopped looking. I kept praying, 323 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:27,240 Speaker 1: but I stopped looking. I stopped looking, I stopped calling, 324 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,879 Speaker 1: I stopped worrying. I stopped making up all kinds of 325 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:34,720 Speaker 1: horrifying scenarios in my mind about her harming herself or 326 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:38,320 Speaker 1: ended up homeless on the street, eating cat food, all 327 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,840 Speaker 1: of the stuff that I was tormenting myself with. I 328 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:45,520 Speaker 1: stopped it. I've been there because I had that word, yeah, yeah, 329 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: I'll meet her on the other side. That also told 330 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,080 Speaker 1: me that something greater than me was in it with her. 331 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,320 Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you? It does? It does. 332 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:06,680 Speaker 1: It takes a found amount of letting go to get there. Absolutely. 333 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:13,719 Speaker 1: And the other thing that I had to really embrace, 334 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:18,600 Speaker 1: particularly you said you're a new mama. I'm an old mama. 335 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:22,719 Speaker 1: When my young ends, when my pups, when my babies, 336 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,400 Speaker 1: we're going through a difficult tone and I was twisting 337 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,800 Speaker 1: myself in a Pretzel trying to keep them from hitting 338 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,200 Speaker 1: rock bottom, because to me, rock bottom. They were looking 339 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,840 Speaker 1: at rock bottom, okay, And as mama, I want to 340 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:41,200 Speaker 1: fix it, change it, throw money at it, throw people 341 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,119 Speaker 1: at it, everything to fix it and change it. Until 342 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,720 Speaker 1: I was reading something one day and I came across 343 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:52,639 Speaker 1: this line and it said, it's very hard to watch 344 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:59,160 Speaker 1: your loved ones hit rock bottom until you remember that 345 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:05,400 Speaker 1: God made the rock. Wow. And what I took from 346 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:11,000 Speaker 1: that was maybe they've got to get down there to 347 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:17,440 Speaker 1: find their strength, their faith, their trust, their relationship with God. 348 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:22,520 Speaker 1: That's when they are going to have to pray for themselves. See, 349 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:26,120 Speaker 1: we don't know what anybody's spiritual contract is. We don't 350 00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:30,040 Speaker 1: know what they came here to learn or do or accomplish. 351 00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:35,199 Speaker 1: And as long as we're afraid, it's saying two things 352 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,200 Speaker 1: that we don't believe. First of all, that God can 353 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: save them, and second of all, that they have the 354 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:49,320 Speaker 1: wherewithal to save themselves. Since we've had a suicide, I 355 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:54,359 Speaker 1: think that kind of took away my ability in a 356 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,480 Speaker 1: way to see that someone could save themselves. But I 357 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,720 Speaker 1: sometimes just imagine the worst case scenario if someone goes 358 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:07,159 Speaker 1: through enough suffering they'll take themselves away. People don't commit 359 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:11,520 Speaker 1: suicide because they want to die. People commit suicide because 360 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,920 Speaker 1: they don't know how to live. They don't know how 361 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:18,200 Speaker 1: to end the pain. They don't really want to die, 362 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:22,120 Speaker 1: they just haven't prayed the prayer or found the way, 363 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:26,120 Speaker 1: or found the fortitude whatever it is required to move 364 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,600 Speaker 1: through the pain. So to end the pain, they end 365 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:32,639 Speaker 1: their lives. But there's always a way to end the pain. 366 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:38,320 Speaker 1: And one person committing suicide, as challenging and difficult as 367 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,800 Speaker 1: it is, that may have been their contract, that has 368 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,919 Speaker 1: nothing to do with anybody else. But you got to 369 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:48,160 Speaker 1: give up this control piece. I don't know which is worse, 370 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:53,639 Speaker 1: the control or the fear. For the horrible combination too. 371 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:57,920 Speaker 1: It's like drinking poison expecting somebody else to die. Oh 372 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:03,680 Speaker 1: my goodness, I know we'll talk about that right after 373 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:14,400 Speaker 1: this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get 374 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:19,760 Speaker 1: back to the conversation. This is gonna sound horrible, but 375 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: it's the only way I know you're gonna get out 376 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:25,720 Speaker 1: of this is to see the worst and work yourself 377 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:31,360 Speaker 1: through it. See the worst and work yourself through it. 378 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:33,920 Speaker 1: What that means is, let's say I heard you say 379 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:38,639 Speaker 1: something about drug abuse. So let's say that person is 380 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:43,359 Speaker 1: strung out or out on the streets and you know, 381 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:47,040 Speaker 1: gets beat up or gets arrested or God forbid overdoses. 382 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:51,400 Speaker 1: How would you feel? How would you feel? Work yourself 383 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:55,960 Speaker 1: through that so that you can clear that out, because 384 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,600 Speaker 1: you're not going to be able to see anything higher 385 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:06,879 Speaker 1: as long as you're fighting against acknowledging the lower. And 386 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:10,760 Speaker 1: if you love these people, love them enough to see 387 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:15,280 Speaker 1: them higher even though your eyes are looking at rock bottom. 388 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,960 Speaker 1: Remember who made the rock, love them enough to see 389 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,040 Speaker 1: them higher. I know you can do this. I know 390 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:25,120 Speaker 1: You've got the strengthen there, and I'm calling it forward 391 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:28,160 Speaker 1: in you right now. You're better than this, You're more 392 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,000 Speaker 1: than this, and you may have to pray that prayer 393 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:32,520 Speaker 1: for a long time, but God will meet them on 394 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:37,160 Speaker 1: the other side. I never thought about it that way. 395 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:41,879 Speaker 1: That's because you've let your control freak run them up. 396 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:49,240 Speaker 1: I just want it to be right. It is right, 397 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:53,399 Speaker 1: because that's what it is. That's what it is right now, 398 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:58,720 Speaker 1: and it is right. Can they get better? Yes? Right? 399 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:02,240 Speaker 1: These people people weren't always like this. Is that accurate? 400 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:07,480 Speaker 1: That's true? Yes? Yeah? So where is that that kept 401 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:12,880 Speaker 1: it at Bay for so long. Yeah, I just love 402 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:16,240 Speaker 1: them so much. I just I know I never imagine 403 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:20,000 Speaker 1: that my own failing, my closest family members, with so 404 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:24,480 Speaker 1: many of them would be in the state. Will love 405 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:26,719 Speaker 1: them enough to know that this is what they have 406 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:29,679 Speaker 1: to go through at this time. Stop thinking that you 407 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:32,639 Speaker 1: know where they should be, because you don't. This is 408 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:36,600 Speaker 1: where they are and it's hard. I'm hearing me. It's hard. 409 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:40,640 Speaker 1: And don't try to talk them out of it, shame 410 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:42,920 Speaker 1: them in it. You know, it's a simple statement. I 411 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,560 Speaker 1: see so much better for you, and I'm praying that 412 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:50,320 Speaker 1: you get there. Simple if you don't mind me asking 413 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,440 Speaker 1: how many times a day do you pray? I pray 414 00:28:54,520 --> 00:29:00,680 Speaker 1: all day. I'm praying right now. I'm prayer for you. 415 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,600 Speaker 1: I don't have to stop and kneel down and go 416 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,960 Speaker 1: in the corner. And I don't have to do that 417 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:12,360 Speaker 1: because I know that every thought I think is a prayer. 418 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:16,800 Speaker 1: Every word I speak as a prayer. That's why I 419 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:19,600 Speaker 1: say to you, go to the worst, work yourself through 420 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:23,040 Speaker 1: it and get higher. Because you're thinking or hold trying 421 00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:26,680 Speaker 1: not to think about the worst possible outcome, that's a prayer. 422 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:32,240 Speaker 1: That's a prayer. Every thought is a prayer, and this 423 00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:36,360 Speaker 1: is horrible. That's a prayer. You're sending that energy out. 424 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,560 Speaker 1: Oh my god, they shouldn't be like this. That's a prayer. 425 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,040 Speaker 1: And so is This is getting better. May not look 426 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:47,760 Speaker 1: better right now, but this is shifting, this is turning around. 427 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:50,840 Speaker 1: And I'm so grateful. And it may be hard based 428 00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:53,840 Speaker 1: on what you're looking at, but you want to send 429 00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:59,320 Speaker 1: that prayer out there too, right. I'm praying for you 430 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:02,800 Speaker 1: in your new band, baby, Thank you so much that 431 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:06,200 Speaker 1: you can take some of this energy that you're dispensing 432 00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:11,080 Speaker 1: over things you can control and turn it on your baby. 433 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:14,960 Speaker 1: And I'm praying that you elevate that fear into love, 434 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:19,640 Speaker 1: real true love, and know that the same creator that 435 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 1: holds you near holds them near. We don't know the 436 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:28,280 Speaker 1: good that's on the other side of this, We just don't. 437 00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:33,240 Speaker 1: And it's hard to look at. Right. My brother was 438 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:36,840 Speaker 1: cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, and after a while 439 00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:40,920 Speaker 1: I just stopped looking. I couldn't look no more. I 440 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:45,280 Speaker 1: stopped looking. Wow, thinking every day he's gonna get better, 441 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:50,920 Speaker 1: He's gonna get better. I stopped. And how long did 442 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:52,680 Speaker 1: it take you to get there? Or it's just a 443 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:57,160 Speaker 1: natural thing. You just got there. No, he was my 444 00:30:57,240 --> 00:31:00,200 Speaker 1: older brother, addicted to drugs and alcohol from the I mean, 445 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,680 Speaker 1: was sixteen years old. And I didn't stop looking until 446 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:07,280 Speaker 1: we were like in our forties. Wow, but I just 447 00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:10,680 Speaker 1: couldn't look no more. I couldn't look. I told him, 448 00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,960 Speaker 1: don't call me, don't call me. If this is how 449 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:16,200 Speaker 1: you want to be, don't call me. And that was 450 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:19,720 Speaker 1: really hard, and he didn't call for five years. It's 451 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:24,680 Speaker 1: a long time, I y'all. It's a long time, seeing 452 00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:27,720 Speaker 1: as it stands at being nervous rect an entire five Ye, 453 00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:31,520 Speaker 1: that's the control freak in you that to put her 454 00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 1: to rest, because really, what can you do? What can 455 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:40,240 Speaker 1: you do? My brother never came to me and said 456 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:44,680 Speaker 1: will you help me with my addiction? Never he'd come 457 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,960 Speaker 1: to me and say can I have some money? He 458 00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:51,360 Speaker 1: never said I want to stop using can you help me? Well, 459 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:56,640 Speaker 1: they really do. And then I guess in separating myself 460 00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,040 Speaker 1: from it, I used to think separating myself from it, 461 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:03,959 Speaker 1: which just as bad as being around everyone and wishing 462 00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 1: I could help. And I feel like what you've given me, 463 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:10,680 Speaker 1: it is a medium, is a place that maybe I 464 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:17,600 Speaker 1: can be in Because it was pulling me both sides. Yeah, 465 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:21,640 Speaker 1: and I would say again, in your prayers and in 466 00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:25,400 Speaker 1: your affirmations or in your positive mind state, whatever you 467 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:30,400 Speaker 1: want to call it, turn it over. Acknowledge your frailty. 468 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:32,960 Speaker 1: I know there's nothing I can do about this. I'm 469 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 1: turning it over to something greater than me, greater than that. Right, Okay, 470 00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:45,280 Speaker 1: it's gonna be okay. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay. 471 00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:50,880 Speaker 1: And don't awfulize, don't expect the worst, because it sounds 472 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:55,920 Speaker 1: like you're doing that too. You're traumatizing yourself. Yeah, I do. 473 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:59,560 Speaker 1: You have a frightened control freak running a Mork in 474 00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:03,160 Speaker 1: your mind. Give her her name and give her something 475 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:05,760 Speaker 1: else to do. I know what you can give her 476 00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:08,720 Speaker 1: to do. You want to give her something else to do. 477 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:19,760 Speaker 1: Send her to the House of Representatives in Washington. Tell 478 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:21,720 Speaker 1: her to teach them how to vote for the good 479 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:25,560 Speaker 1: of the people. Okay. Let her work on that. Okay, 480 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:34,040 Speaker 1: right down to Washington, d C. And let her wrangle 481 00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:36,920 Speaker 1: up them politicians down there. Let her work on that. 482 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:39,840 Speaker 1: So anytime you start thinking about how horrible this is 483 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,120 Speaker 1: and your family walk, get on the bus, go to DC, 484 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:45,320 Speaker 1: go down to the House of representative. Go into the Senate. 485 00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:47,080 Speaker 1: Go someone, go over there and work with them. People. 486 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:52,640 Speaker 1: Leave me alone. Okay, let her wrangle that up. Yeah, 487 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:56,440 Speaker 1: send her, give her a name. Tell her, Betty, I 488 00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,280 Speaker 1: need you to go down to DC. They need you 489 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,240 Speaker 1: in the Senate right now. They're trying to do They 490 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:02,560 Speaker 1: trying to make some bills go down. They work on them. 491 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:11,960 Speaker 1: Leave me alone, okay, okay. Strengthen your prayers, beloved, Strengthen 492 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:15,400 Speaker 1: your prayers, and get out of the middle of it, 493 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,960 Speaker 1: all right, Okay, thank you so so much, Thank you 494 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:28,000 Speaker 1: for your patience. Of course, bye bye. Loving people and 495 00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:32,160 Speaker 1: wanting the best for them is a very different thing 496 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:37,640 Speaker 1: than trying to control what they do. And sometimes when 497 00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:41,040 Speaker 1: we love people and we want the best for them, 498 00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:45,799 Speaker 1: we also think that we know how to bring their 499 00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:50,319 Speaker 1: best about and that's not always true. And when we 500 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:56,640 Speaker 1: don't make the distinction between loving people and controlling people, 501 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:01,120 Speaker 1: between wanting the best for some people those people that 502 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,120 Speaker 1: we love, and trying to make it look the way 503 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:08,600 Speaker 1: we think it should look. When we don't make that distinction, 504 00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:15,040 Speaker 1: we create unnecessary stress for ourselves, and that stress will 505 00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:22,600 Speaker 1: impact the relationship. Loving somebody and controlling somebody two completely 506 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:27,759 Speaker 1: different things at If you love somebody, you want to 507 00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:30,600 Speaker 1: see the best for them, hold the best for them, 508 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,719 Speaker 1: know the best for them, without trying to make it 509 00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:38,400 Speaker 1: happen the way you think it's supposed to happen. I 510 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:40,759 Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you 511 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:45,360 Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 512 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:48,919 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 513 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:52,200 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to 514 00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:56,040 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 515 00:35:56,080 --> 00:36:04,520 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace. The R Spot is 516 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:09,840 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For 517 00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:15,640 Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, 518 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,759 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.