Speaker 1: Holy Human with Leanne Rhymes is a production of I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio, Hello Loves. I am so honored that you're
Speaker 1: here with me sharing this time, and I'm so excited
Speaker 1: to share this episode with you because it tackles a
Speaker 1: topic that resonates so deeply with me and I'm sure
Speaker 1: many of you out there in listening land anxiety, and
Speaker 1: my guest today has an extremely profound yet simple way
Speaker 1: of approaching it that I think you'll find truly helpful.
Speaker 1: Nancy Jane Smith is a licensed professional counselor and practicing
Speaker 1: anxiety coach. And we all need an anxiety coach. I
Speaker 1: feel like we all need one who's stuck, especially right now,
Speaker 1: who studied anxiety, inner critic and over functioning as a
Speaker 1: way of coping for the past twenty years. She's written
Speaker 1: several books, including The Happier Approach, Be Kind to Yourself,
Speaker 1: feel happier and still accomplish your goals, and she is
Speaker 1: here to share her unique perspective this Holy Human than
Speaker 1: Thank you so so much for coming on the Holy
Speaker 1: Human podcast. I am just thrilled to have you because
Speaker 1: I love your book. Oh well, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for having me, and I'm so glad you loved the book. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I stumbled upon I actually don't know how I stumbled
Speaker 1: upon it. Somehow, some way. I was listening to on
Speaker 1: another podcast and I was like, I have to have
Speaker 1: her on because what you talk about in your book,
Speaker 1: the happier approach is I feel like I'm so textbook.
Speaker 1: I'm like, this is me. Yes, I totally, and I
Speaker 1: think it's a textbook for a lot of other people too.
Speaker 1: I I was, you know that what we're going to
Speaker 1: be talking about here a lot today's anxiety. And I,
Speaker 1: you know, have have dealt with anxiety for many years,
Speaker 1: which I know you have also, and so many people do.
Speaker 1: That was shocked at this statistic that over forty million
Speaker 1: Americans at any point are dealing with some type of
Speaker 1: anxiety disorder. And it's said that a lot of these people,
Speaker 1: some of us fall into what you call high functioning anxiety.
Speaker 1: So I would love for you to just start diving
Speaker 1: into what is high functioning anxiety? Like, how do you
Speaker 1: define it? Well, it's high functioning anxiety isn't something it's
Speaker 1: not gonna be. It's I'm the d s M. It's
Speaker 1: not something you're probably gonna get diagnosed with when you
Speaker 1: go see someone. I always like to put that caveat there,
Speaker 1: but I stumbled upon it because I have always been
Speaker 1: told by my therapist that I had anxiety, but it
Speaker 1: never felt like how I thought anxiety should feel. You know,
Speaker 1: when I'm a therapist, so I know how anxiety should field.
Speaker 1: I never I always thought of it as I always
Speaker 1: push harder. So when I'm feeling anxious, what my anxiety
Speaker 1: causes me to do is to push harder. So I
Speaker 1: think people that have high functioning anxiety tend to have
Speaker 1: a low level of anxiety all the time, and it's
Speaker 1: kind of their driving force of the thing that pushes
Speaker 1: them to hustle and hustle and hustle. And so I
Speaker 1: always say there's three layers to high functioning anxiety. One
Speaker 1: is the low level anxiety, and then every now and
Speaker 1: then that will go into acute, which means will have
Speaker 1: the you know, the racing heart, the insomnia, the gastro problems,
Speaker 1: will have all these physical symptoms of our anxiety. And
Speaker 1: so that's just the anxiety. And then how we cope
Speaker 1: with that anxiety is we engage in overthinking and pushing
Speaker 1: harder and let me hustle and let me get that
Speaker 1: to do list done, and let me do all the things,
Speaker 1: because if I can do all the things, then I
Speaker 1: won't feel this level of anxiety. And then on top
Speaker 1: of that, or really underneath all that is shame that's
Speaker 1: driving the whole thing. Shame that we have anxiety, Shame
Speaker 1: that we're not worthy enough. That causes the anxiety. And
Speaker 1: so shame plays a huge role in in this anxiety,
Speaker 1: that this high function anxiety that I work with. Interesting, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's funny that you say that there's these levels to
Speaker 1: this because I feel like when I'm at the low
Speaker 1: level where it's kind of this like just in the
Speaker 1: background all the time, that feels like my natural state.
Speaker 1: So yeah, so I'm like, I'm good. I feel good
Speaker 1: in this state, and I'm I can get sh done.
Speaker 1: It's true. And it's not till it gets really bad,
Speaker 1: um where I'm you know, I'm having the insomnia and
Speaker 1: I'm having the panic attacks. Do I think And like
Speaker 1: you're saying that a lot of people probably think, oh,
Speaker 1: that is anxiety, and it's it's almost it's crazy because
Speaker 1: I look, You're right, it drives me and it's helped
Speaker 1: what I believe has benefited me in a lot of ways.
Speaker 1: And I do think there's a bit of truth to that,
Speaker 1: but it's like, what, I don't even know what life
Speaker 1: is without that. I don't even know what life is,
Speaker 1: and I think a lot of people don't without this
Speaker 1: low level in the background constantly playing. I love that
Speaker 1: you just broke it down that way because that just
Speaker 1: was like an eye opener for me because I was
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, oh, yeah, that's that's my field. Good state,
Speaker 1: totally yes. And I think because I stumbled upon I mean,
Speaker 1: I started figuring this out because when I wrote the
Speaker 1: book which we'll talk about, I got into I named
Speaker 1: the main character in that book is the inner critic,
Speaker 1: and I called the ender critic a manger, and because
Speaker 1: manger spread propaganda, and that's what this manger is doing.
Speaker 1: And so I I believed at the time, and I
Speaker 1: still do. Everyone has a manger. Everyone has an inner critic.
Speaker 1: Now some of us have like this demon inner critic
Speaker 1: who is just like that's what my husband calls mine,
Speaker 1: who's just like driving us so freaking hard. And and
Speaker 1: then I realized, Oh, the people that have that type
Speaker 1: of manger are dealing with anxiety and they're and it's
Speaker 1: pushing them into this high functioning anxiety. So so that's
Speaker 1: how my work kind of grew into a little selfish
Speaker 1: reasons because I was like, Oh, this explains my own
Speaker 1: world and why this is happening in your world. How
Speaker 1: did you discover this piece for yourself? Like what was
Speaker 1: there a defining moment that was like, oh this makes
Speaker 1: complete sense, the piece about the monger or the piece
Speaker 1: about the high peace, about the high function Yeah, we
Speaker 1: have the whole funk whole thing with the high functioning anxiety.
Speaker 1: Like when did that click for you? It really clicked
Speaker 1: for me. I actually read UM Sarah Wilson's book, Um
Speaker 1: the Beast First We Make the Beast Beautiful, and I
Speaker 1: just loved that book. And she's talking about bipolar, which
Speaker 1: is what she deals with, but I related to how
Speaker 1: she described anxiety and UM and so that's when my
Speaker 1: therapist had been telling me for years I had anxiety,
Speaker 1: and I was like, okay, whatever, like it's driving me,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't really see this as a problem.
Speaker 1: And then when I read Oh, all these behaviors that
Speaker 1: I'm doing those our anxiety, I just had no clue
Speaker 1: that all these protective behaviors I had were because of anxiety,
Speaker 1: because part of what we do those when I said,
Speaker 1: we have anxiety, and then we engage in these behaviors
Speaker 1: such as perfectionism, people pleasing, overthinking, that to do list,
Speaker 1: and you know, obsessing about stuff. And what we'll do
Speaker 1: is we'll get into we'll go to self help and
Speaker 1: we'll be like, oh, I need to stop people pleasing
Speaker 1: or I need to stop being a perfectionist, and so
Speaker 1: we take away those coping mechanisms and then we're left
Speaker 1: with anxiety and we don't know what to do with that,
Speaker 1: so we go back into people pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, and
Speaker 1: kind of driving everything even further. So through that book
Speaker 1: and then my own research, I realized, oh, all these
Speaker 1: behaviors that I'm doing are actually rooted in anxiety, and
Speaker 1: I need to deal with that anxiety, which I did
Speaker 1: not really want to do, which intern you're really dealing
Speaker 1: with shame, because like you said, that is underneath everything.
Speaker 1: And it's so interesting because I found myself doing it
Speaker 1: many times. Like you, you step into the self help
Speaker 1: world and you're like, oh, I can it's another thing
Speaker 1: I can be good at. I can be a perfectionist
Speaker 1: at this, Like I can nail this, and it's like
Speaker 1: you kind of go in that loop for a while
Speaker 1: and then you're finding like, wait, I'm doing the same
Speaker 1: thing here that I was doing in the rest of
Speaker 1: my life, and it, you know, boils down to this
Speaker 1: I'm not good enoughness that ultimately is driving I feel
Speaker 1: like it is at the core of every single one
Speaker 1: of us in some way, shape or form. And until
Speaker 1: we can fully step into this self love, self compassion
Speaker 1: piece that seems so out of reach, Like we talk
Speaker 1: about it a lot, but it seems so out of reach.
Speaker 1: Until we can fully do that, we're gonna just keep
Speaker 1: going round and round, and we're gonna find the next
Speaker 1: thing to be anxious about and to be good at. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I always joke that all of us, you know, personal
Speaker 1: development people, we're all talking about the same thing. I mean,
Speaker 1: we're all talking about different symptoms, but our solutions are
Speaker 1: all the same. You know, I talked about self loyalty,
Speaker 1: which is another word for self passion. The answer is
Speaker 1: the same, it's just getting there. It takes a different
Speaker 1: path for all of us. Yeah. Absolutely. You said that
Speaker 1: high functioning anxiety is an attempt to keep people on
Speaker 1: the outside from seeing our insides, and you know, this
Speaker 1: is where that shame piece kind of fits. And I
Speaker 1: wonder if you can just expand on what you mean
Speaker 1: by that. I frequently tell the story of growing up.
Speaker 1: A lot of my clients and myself and people have
Speaker 1: worked with grow up in families that did not encourage
Speaker 1: us to feel our feelings. They didn't encourage us that
Speaker 1: are whatever our experiences is valid, and so I often
Speaker 1: tell the story I call the story of the snake.
Speaker 1: And if you were raised in a family where your
Speaker 1: little kid, you're playing on the front porch, you see
Speaker 1: a snake and you run in and you tell your mom,
Speaker 1: and most of us were raised in families where your
Speaker 1: mom is busy, or maybe she's an alcoholic, or she's
Speaker 1: just overwhelmed, and she's like, I can't deal with the
Speaker 1: snake right out, go out and play. You're you're you're crazy,
Speaker 1: there's no snake there. And so as a little kid,
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, I must be wrong. Let me go
Speaker 1: back out and I'll keep playing even though there's a
Speaker 1: snake here, I'll keep playing. And so you quickly learned
Speaker 1: my reality isn't valid. I need to be checking in
Speaker 1: at tuning to everybody else. And so a family that
Speaker 1: grew up in you know, a healthy quote unquote with
Speaker 1: the mom would be like, oh, my gosh, there's a snake.
Speaker 1: Let's go look, and she would go with you and
Speaker 1: look and oh, that's scary, and would validate what's happening
Speaker 1: and remove the snake. And so when we grew up
Speaker 1: in families where we've learned my experience that isn't important
Speaker 1: and actually your experience is more important. So I'm going
Speaker 1: to be able to mind read what's going to happen
Speaker 1: I need. I had one client who said she could
Speaker 1: tell by the time she crossed the threshold what the
Speaker 1: mood was in the house and what she used to do.
Speaker 1: I get it to make that better. And so, you know,
Speaker 1: especially with your performing at such a young age, like
Speaker 1: that idea of what the crowd and what they need
Speaker 1: is more important. And so that's how we have tuned
Speaker 1: ourselves to everybody else's needs are more important than mine.
Speaker 1: I often have clients will say to me, I know
Speaker 1: I'm tired, but it doesn't matter that I'm tired, because
Speaker 1: they're more tired, and I can handle tired better than them.
Speaker 1: I can suffer better than them. Really, Yeah, Wow, that's
Speaker 1: can we just stop there for a moment because I
Speaker 1: can suffer better than them? And holy crap, that is
Speaker 1: at I've been actually really playing with that piece for myself.
Speaker 1: I'm willing to let go of suffering. I'm willing. In fact,
Speaker 1: it is funny. The other night I was driving home
Speaker 1: from Thanksgiving and a friend of mine was in the
Speaker 1: back of the car and she was saying she was
Speaker 1: going to rise up from the ashes again, and I go,
Speaker 1: do you think do you think it's time to like
Speaker 1: let go of that pattern? And as I said it
Speaker 1: to her, I said it to myself and it dawned
Speaker 1: on me. I was like, Oh, it's time to let
Speaker 1: go of suffering. It's time to let go of that pattern. Like,
Speaker 1: we don't have to suffer an order to prove to
Speaker 1: ourselves that we are worthy of something, that we are
Speaker 1: worthy because we've overcome something. And man, wouldn't that light bulb?
Speaker 1: And I love that you just validated that for me again,
Speaker 1: it was like the universe going, it's time to stop suffering.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I think that is such a pattern for
Speaker 1: us in our society too. It's like we we have
Speaker 1: to prove that we we can overcome in order to
Speaker 1: be worthy. Yes, yeah, And I often talk a lot
Speaker 1: with clients about there's pain. You're allowed to have pain,
Speaker 1: but you don't have to suffer because of the pain.
Speaker 1: You just need to experience that pain and move on.
Speaker 1: You know. Now, Now that sounds way easier said than done,
Speaker 1: but you know what I mean. Yes, yes, you can
Speaker 1: allow the pain to be there and move through you
Speaker 1: without having to latch onto it in order to That's
Speaker 1: what then causes the suffering because then we ultimately a
Speaker 1: replaying these things over and over again. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: these are It sounds really easy, but it is. It's
Speaker 1: definitely deep, and it's a remembrance of sorts of this
Speaker 1: being kind of thrown up in our face like multiple times,
Speaker 1: which I love. Like I said, you just did for
Speaker 1: me is like oh yeah, I am going to let
Speaker 1: go of that suffering now. I love it. You know
Speaker 1: what I loved about your book was that you broke
Speaker 1: down these voices in our head so eloquently, and you
Speaker 1: described the inner war that goes on in my head
Speaker 1: and I'm sure so many other people's so well. Um,
Speaker 1: you talk about you work with these voices. I would
Speaker 1: love to dive into what these voices are First off,
Speaker 1: you talk about the judge and the manger. You call
Speaker 1: it the manger. Um, I was wondering, like, what in
Speaker 1: what way does the manger play a role in this
Speaker 1: anxiety and in continuing to have this anxiety go over
Speaker 1: and over and over again in our head. There's two
Speaker 1: main characters that cause the anxiety. The manger is the
Speaker 1: inner critic, the you did it wrong. You're such a loser,
Speaker 1: You're never gonna do this. You know, like I heard
Speaker 1: the manger a lot this morning as I was getting
Speaker 1: ready for this interview. You know, like she's just constantly
Speaker 1: playing there. And you know, I always say that it's
Speaker 1: you know, she has don't stand Her rules are don't
Speaker 1: stand out, don't be vulnerable, and don't make a mistake,
Speaker 1: which if you're going to do anything in your life,
Speaker 1: you're going to do those three things. And it is
Speaker 1: that idea of she. I always say her Her intent
Speaker 1: is good, she's trying to keep us safe, but her
Speaker 1: messaging is shame and belittling and just really harsh. And
Speaker 1: so that's the voice that we hear so much about.
Speaker 1: Here's the inner critic. You shouldn't have an inner critic.
Speaker 1: You know, like, how to deal with your inner critic,
Speaker 1: and the primary way to do with the inner critic,
Speaker 1: common wisdom is is to have self compassion. And I
Speaker 1: was like, what is said? What does that mean? How?
Speaker 1: And if I love myself no matter what, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna succeed because I need this bush this drive. My
Speaker 1: favorite story on this is I did a presentation and
Speaker 1: one of my best friends was there on the manger
Speaker 1: and she came up to me after and she was like,
Speaker 1: that was great. I loved it. Oh my gosh, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna do anything you said because I need that voice. Nancy.
Speaker 1: And I got home, and this is what inspired me
Speaker 1: to write the book. I got home and I was like,
Speaker 1: I do too. She's right, and I, you know, felt
Speaker 1: like such a fraud because here I was teaching people
Speaker 1: how to get rid of that voice. But at the
Speaker 1: same time, I secretly loved her. And so that's the thing.
Speaker 1: We need to be honest about that. Even though we're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I hate my inner critic, no, we actually kind of
Speaker 1: love her too, because she we think she drives us.
Speaker 1: So it's this love hate relationship with her that gets
Speaker 1: us in trouble. And before we dive deeper into that relationship.
Speaker 1: We are going to take a quick break, but we'll
Speaker 1: be right back. Welcome back, Loves. We're talking to Nancy
Speaker 1: Jane Smith about just how complicated our relationship with our
Speaker 1: inner critic can be. Yeah, that is completely true. I
Speaker 1: have been playing around with that idea for myself of
Speaker 1: like is there a gentler way to do this? Like
Speaker 1: is there a gentler way to have success? Is there
Speaker 1: a kinder, gentler way? And I know there is, But
Speaker 1: you're right, it's this love hate relationship with the monger
Speaker 1: that you you think that that's the only way to
Speaker 1: be driven, that's the only thing that's going to keep you.
Speaker 1: For me, like in line because interestingly enough, this BF
Speaker 1: you you talk about the BFF in your head. For me,
Speaker 1: my BFF is what I feel is like my rebellious
Speaker 1: fifteen year old and she's awesome by the way. Um,
Speaker 1: I've learned to love her. I used to. For me,
Speaker 1: it was I would beat myself up about like I
Speaker 1: absolutely hate this piece of me because it's the one
Speaker 1: that self sabotages everything and it's you know, it's and
Speaker 1: there was this constant battle between the judge and my BFF,
Speaker 1: My fifteen year old that just would let me, wants
Speaker 1: me to just rebel against everything, and so that inner
Speaker 1: war is like all I wanna do is shut that
Speaker 1: war up. Like it's like and how what what can
Speaker 1: I take to numb myself out? What can I do
Speaker 1: to shut them up? I mean, and you when you
Speaker 1: when I read that about about that in your book,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, I've never heard anyone
Speaker 1: explain this so perfectly. So so yeah, would you go
Speaker 1: into the BF a little bit and like this war
Speaker 1: in between between them? I mean I I described it
Speaker 1: for myself, but I would love, you know, for people
Speaker 1: that aren't in my head. But you can describe a
Speaker 1: little bit more about what these what the BFF does,
Speaker 1: and how these two interact on a daily basis. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so the monger is, you know, the one driving us.
Speaker 1: You're such a loser, blah blah blah. And then in
Speaker 1: comes the BFF. I don't worry about it. You know,
Speaker 1: let's go home and we'll just have another glass of wine.
Speaker 1: What does have a glass wine? It'll be fine. And
Speaker 1: then you know, all the wine feels good. Okay, we'll
Speaker 1: have three glasses, no big deal, and it she kind
Speaker 1: of is as the manger pulls up the pressure on
Speaker 1: the pressure cooker, the BFF is there to to take
Speaker 1: it back down. And the other way the BFF shows up.
Speaker 1: It's not just through the traditional ways you would think
Speaker 1: of eating and you know, drinking too much and um,
Speaker 1: you know, skipping your workout and don't worry about it.
Speaker 1: But also she shows up as the one who's judging
Speaker 1: other people, like if something doesn't go well, oh, it's
Speaker 1: their fault. There the reason that it didn't go well.
Speaker 1: So the manger is telling you how much you failed,
Speaker 1: and then to ease that pressure, you come in to blame.
Speaker 1: You know, Betty Sue at work, it's her fault that
Speaker 1: it didn't go well. So this this happens like a
Speaker 1: great example, It happens in break rooms everywhere that you know,
Speaker 1: you you hang up the phone and your manger is
Speaker 1: getting fired up and said you go into the break
Speaker 1: room and you're like and you're venting about what happened.
Speaker 1: And then before long, now you're demonizing the person that
Speaker 1: was on the phone. But when you walked into the
Speaker 1: break room, you were demonizing yourself. And so we love
Speaker 1: that energy with the BFF with other people. The venting
Speaker 1: that that let's beat each other, you know, let's gossip,
Speaker 1: let's do that is another way that BFF shows up.
Speaker 1: And so she appears to have our best interests at heart,
Speaker 1: but she she doesn't because she's just trying to have
Speaker 1: a good time and too offset. She's like the opposite
Speaker 1: end of the pendulum of our monger. You just explain
Speaker 1: all of what we see on social media. Yes, yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: that is everybody's BFF talking. Yes, my goodness, it is.
Speaker 1: And it's intense. Yeah, it's And it is amazing how
Speaker 1: we utilize that piece um in order to feel better.
Speaker 1: And if we could only if we could only get
Speaker 1: in there with our with our judge and and the
Speaker 1: judge and jury and quiet them down a little bit,
Speaker 1: maybe that wouldn't be such a such a hook, you know.
Speaker 1: I mean. And what's so interesting about the judge that
Speaker 1: you talk about two is that ultimate lee there is
Speaker 1: kind of I would say, a reason to love them
Speaker 1: in a way because they're also there for a protective mechanism.
Speaker 1: So if we can look at it from that view
Speaker 1: of like, here's this voice in my head that ultimately
Speaker 1: is trying to protect me from shame and guilt, and
Speaker 1: like all the things, then maybe that's where this compassion
Speaker 1: actually starts to come in. It is like, oh, this
Speaker 1: part of me isn't really trying to harm me, it's
Speaker 1: trying to love me, just in the wrong way. Yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: because I think that's where we go wrong is we
Speaker 1: start you know, like you'll hear things called the inner bitch,
Speaker 1: and you know, we'll start demonizing both of those voices,
Speaker 1: and like you said, it's they're parts of us, so
Speaker 1: we need to love them there it's the fifteen year
Speaker 1: old and the curmudgeon lee, you know voice that are
Speaker 1: they're trying to to guide us through the best they
Speaker 1: know how m And so it's not about demonizing, which
Speaker 1: I think we want to do, but about kind of
Speaker 1: embracing them and seeing what it is because they're serving
Speaker 1: a purpose. What is it they need? Mm hmm. Absolutely
Speaker 1: the self compassion piece. You know, like I said, sometimes
Speaker 1: it feels like it's all out there and we can't
Speaker 1: grasp it and we can't we can really wrap our
Speaker 1: mind around it, but we can't implement it into our
Speaker 1: everyday lives. Like when it comes to that piece, what
Speaker 1: do you think we're getting wrong or what do you
Speaker 1: think we're misunderstanding. That is why I started using the
Speaker 1: term self loyalty, which to me is explain, yeah, explain
Speaker 1: what that is. Yeah. So I found a lot of
Speaker 1: my clients and myself we have a really high loyalty value,
Speaker 1: meaning we know how to be loyal to others. If
Speaker 1: if you are in my inner circle, man, you are
Speaker 1: there for a long for death. You know, like, I
Speaker 1: am very loyal, But I don't know how to do
Speaker 1: that to myself. I don't. So I know what loyalty means.
Speaker 1: I know how to show up for people. I know
Speaker 1: to have their backs. I know how to be supportive
Speaker 1: and understanding and forgiving and curious and non judgmental. But
Speaker 1: I don't know how to do that for myself. And
Speaker 1: so that's when i'm the you know, the words I'll
Speaker 1: say to myself is have your own back, be your
Speaker 1: own teammate here, and what what do you need? How
Speaker 1: would that look? And so that idea of oh, I'm tired, okay,
Speaker 1: have your own back on that, I'm tired, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go rest. I don't need to, you know, like that
Speaker 1: Figuring that out kind of goes in stages. So initially
Speaker 1: people will say I'm tired, and the monger will be like,
Speaker 1: you shouldn't be tired. You haven't done anything. What's your problem?
Speaker 1: And then the middle ground is I'm tired. I deserve
Speaker 1: to rest because I did all these things. And so
Speaker 1: I deserve to rest because I did all these things.
Speaker 1: And the third stage of that is I'm tired. My
Speaker 1: body is telling me I'm tired. I don't need to
Speaker 1: justify why I'm tired. It just is a thing. And
Speaker 1: that's not a good thing or a bad thing. It's
Speaker 1: just a biological need. So I just need to rest.
Speaker 1: And so that's the power, that's the power of self loyalty.
Speaker 1: Is what is it that I need? How can I
Speaker 1: be radically honest with myself and be like, Okay, we
Speaker 1: need to rest, but we can't right now because we're
Speaker 1: doing stuff. So what do I need to do to
Speaker 1: take care of myself and not be criticizing myself for
Speaker 1: the fact that I'm tired, but supporting myself through the
Speaker 1: fact that I'm tired and I can't rest. I love that.
Speaker 1: That's really clear um for me. I know that in
Speaker 1: the past several months now, I have been really working
Speaker 1: on consistency with self care and that consistent piece. The
Speaker 1: consistency pieces changed my life in a lot of ways
Speaker 1: because like there are things now from my own health,
Speaker 1: Like I've really been focusing on my body and my
Speaker 1: health and it is you know, I'm I'm thirty nine,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be forty next year, and I'm like, my
Speaker 1: hormones are changing, things are changing, and so I'm like,
Speaker 1: I really want to start on start on my forties
Speaker 1: out of the right foot. So I've just really been
Speaker 1: really consistent with myself and it's quieted for me at least,
Speaker 1: it's quieted the inner critic a lot. And I'm starting
Speaker 1: to see for me, it's like, oh, I think this
Speaker 1: is what self love is. I think this is what
Speaker 1: self compassion is. The compassion pieces still working on it,
Speaker 1: but the self love is like the ultimately putting my
Speaker 1: health and myself first. And then there's the certain things
Speaker 1: just are not non negotiable for me. And that that's
Speaker 1: where when you say loyalty, I'm like, oh, sometimes I
Speaker 1: sometimes I change things in my life or things shift
Speaker 1: and I I can't quite put my finger on what
Speaker 1: it is, but it's working. And and I think you
Speaker 1: just did because it's that it's that loyalty piece where
Speaker 1: in the past, like you've mentioned, when we're hyper vigilant,
Speaker 1: it's like everybody else's experiences is more important. And I
Speaker 1: think it took my health for me at least to
Speaker 1: finally understand the like, oh, I actually this is this
Speaker 1: is putting myself first. This is taking care of me
Speaker 1: and being loyal to me, because if we don't exist
Speaker 1: like no one else and we're not going to help
Speaker 1: anybody else, right right, yeah, And I think that practice then,
Speaker 1: you know, as you said, like it calms us down.
Speaker 1: It's kind of a self soothing of oh, I'm going
Speaker 1: to show up at this time all the time. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do this thing all the time, And then we
Speaker 1: start getting our bodies can relax a little bit because
Speaker 1: we're like, this is going to be taken care of.
Speaker 1: You know, Leanne has this. Even if it is I'm
Speaker 1: not saying like lean has this, She's gonna give me
Speaker 1: enough water. You know that sounds weird that your body
Speaker 1: is talking like that, but I'm more saying that, you know,
Speaker 1: lean isn't gonna drive me. She's going to consistently have
Speaker 1: my back, She's going to consistently show up here, and
Speaker 1: so in that case I can relax. I don't have
Speaker 1: to be so hyper vigilant. M What do you think
Speaker 1: drives us? This is something I've been playing around with. Two.
Speaker 1: What do you think drives us? If we're not being
Speaker 1: driven by this anxiety, this constant underlying energy, it's And
Speaker 1: before we go into that, I actually wanted to say,
Speaker 1: sometimes my manger isn't a UM isn't. It's not a
Speaker 1: set of words that are going on anymore. Sometimes it's
Speaker 1: just an energetic piece that I which can almost be
Speaker 1: more elusive, and it feels like I can't quite tap
Speaker 1: into it because it's just an energy. And so this
Speaker 1: energy can come up where it's almost an energy of
Speaker 1: shaming or of guilt um, but it doesn't have a
Speaker 1: story to go with it, which I always feel is
Speaker 1: a really kind of it's a it's an icky feeling
Speaker 1: because you can't. I wish it had a story sometimes,
Speaker 1: you know, like I wish it had something going on,
Speaker 1: and that's why, Yeah, so because that would be easier
Speaker 1: to then unhook. But once it's feeling, you're kind then
Speaker 1: you can get stuck in what's happening? What is this feeling? Like?
Speaker 1: What am I doing. I mean, that's what I do.
Speaker 1: Then I start spinning out. I'm trying to figure it
Speaker 1: out and analyze it and name it and yeah, totally, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what That's why I find that the energetic piece
Speaker 1: of it is is interesting, Like when you don't have
Speaker 1: a story going on in your head, when it is
Speaker 1: an energy for you to like, where do you go
Speaker 1: to to to work with that piece? So that I go,
Speaker 1: I will, um, much to my much to my chagrin,
Speaker 1: i will pull out a feelings sheep that I have,
Speaker 1: and I'll acknowledge what it is I'm feeling. And for me,
Speaker 1: that's a way for me to kind of figure out
Speaker 1: what's really going on, UM, because I'm not real good
Speaker 1: at naming and knowing what I'm feeling because I've just
Speaker 1: been programmed so much of You should be happy, you
Speaker 1: should be happy that I have a hard time getting
Speaker 1: in there and figuring out what's really going on. And
Speaker 1: so I'll pull out the feeling sheet and I'll name
Speaker 1: like fifteen feelings and inevitably I'll get to it, like
Speaker 1: I'll be like, oh, I'm sad here and I didn't
Speaker 1: know it, Like I am continually amazed how I can
Speaker 1: hide my you know, bad feelings or however you want
Speaker 1: to say it. And I say that because they're not happy.
Speaker 1: And in my mind, that's the only way you should be.
Speaker 1: That's that's which is a bad belief. There's another bad um. Yes,
Speaker 1: And I'm continually amazed at how I can. I'll be
Speaker 1: I'll like, something big will be happening, such as like
Speaker 1: an illness in the family or something, and I will
Speaker 1: at the end of the day be like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: so upset, and my husband will be like, dude, you
Speaker 1: just found out about this terrible news. And I'll be like, oh, right,
Speaker 1: like you know, and I'm like, I'm not upset about that.
Speaker 1: I was totally fine. That isn't bothering me. But it is,
Speaker 1: and I don't realize it is because I've gotten so
Speaker 1: good at masking that stuff. So um. And then another
Speaker 1: thing is I'll do is I'll just get into my
Speaker 1: body and I'll do like a full body movement and
Speaker 1: that helps me kind of unshake some stuff and see
Speaker 1: what's there. I love that. How do you define happy? Um?
Speaker 1: You know, I have a saying here that is the
Speaker 1: definition of peace, and you might have heard it before,
Speaker 1: but I think this is happy. It does not mean
Speaker 1: to be in a place where where there is no noise,
Speaker 1: trouble or hard work. It means to be in the
Speaker 1: midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.
Speaker 1: To me, that's happy where I can just be fully
Speaker 1: present to what's happening and enjoying it. I love that,
Speaker 1: and maybe not even enjoying for me, it's like, maybe
Speaker 1: it's not even enjoying it all the time. It's just
Speaker 1: fully present and not wanting to eject yes from the moment. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's well said. Yeah, man, do I know about how
Speaker 1: to reject from the moment? I have a master at it.
Speaker 1: Oh wow. Yeah. And and allowing everything to be at once,
Speaker 1: like there can be multiple things happening, you know for me,
Speaker 1: like what I love about what you just said, And
Speaker 1: if I really break that down for myself, what I
Speaker 1: love about happiness is kind of all encompassing of the experience.
Speaker 1: It's not you know, like and and multiple things, multiple
Speaker 1: feelings can exist at one time. Yes, yes, yeah, it
Speaker 1: took me forever to get that concept. Forever. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I understand, I understand it takes a while. Um, and
Speaker 1: I have to be constantly reminded of it, But yeah,
Speaker 1: I love that definition of happy. Like that just kind
Speaker 1: of I just felt really settled because we were constantly
Speaker 1: chasing it. You know. It's like, oh, we think, you know,
Speaker 1: we think it's out there, and we think it's the validation,
Speaker 1: we think it's all the things. But when you break
Speaker 1: it down like that as the all encompassing thing, I mean,
Speaker 1: it's like, you know, talking about wholeness, it's like our
Speaker 1: whole experience. When we can actually be in it and
Speaker 1: with it, like oh, that just feels like it relaxes
Speaker 1: my need to go find it out there. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: so you know, I always I'm always like, how do
Speaker 1: I teach people to get this? How do I teach people?
Speaker 1: And And there is something that shifted in me when
Speaker 1: I that I could embrace that I was human and
Speaker 1: I was gonna make mistakes and things weren't always going
Speaker 1: to go well, and that I would still be okay
Speaker 1: even if that happened. I mean, that's an ongoing process.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying I've embraced that, but but once I
Speaker 1: could really get that in a different way, um, things shifted.
Speaker 1: But I don't know what happened that caused that realization
Speaker 1: to come, you know, for me to accept my human nous.
Speaker 1: And on that lovely powerful note, we are going to
Speaker 1: take a breath, but we'll be right back, and we're
Speaker 1: back with Nancy Jane Smith discussing the powerful inner shift
Speaker 1: when we embrace our true selves, imperfections and all. For
Speaker 1: me personally, I had to be broken down to my humans.
Speaker 1: And I think that that it's I think it's the
Speaker 1: journey we all go on, you know, to some extent
Speaker 1: and at different levels and um, you know, in many
Speaker 1: different ways. But it's like you almost have to be
Speaker 1: broken down to it to appreciate it and to accept
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, I think you're right, and that is
Speaker 1: just you know, I just think about all the money
Speaker 1: I spent on self help books and you know, trying
Speaker 1: to get the one two three solution, and if only
Speaker 1: I did this, then I could be healed. And then
Speaker 1: to recognize now, like you had to do this part
Speaker 1: of the journey, yeah yeah, and that that that acceptance
Speaker 1: of that part of the acceptance of the whole journey,
Speaker 1: yeah yeah, and knowing that we couldn't skip over it
Speaker 1: and be where we are, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's
Speaker 1: still hard for me. But yeah, I agree. I agree.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's like, oh but if only I could have
Speaker 1: made that decision and my life would look different. Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and the forgiveness, you know, there's a huge forgiveness piece
Speaker 1: and that too. Um yeah, it's all still a part.
Speaker 1: I think it's all a part of our human journey,
Speaker 1: like until we die, Like this is it? Yes, I
Speaker 1: totally agree. Yeah there is no finish line. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: good time. So just for everyone listening, there is no
Speaker 1: finish lines. You can stop listening to stop this. We
Speaker 1: now stop looking for it. Just live your life. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, I um, I love that you you came
Speaker 1: up with this acronym. Well, first off, I actually wanted
Speaker 1: to get into the piece of what you call the
Speaker 1: third voice, which is the um oh my god, I'm
Speaker 1: just say bff, it's your biggest fan, which your biggest fan.
Speaker 1: Which I love this piece because I know when I've
Speaker 1: when I started to develop this piece for myself, it's
Speaker 1: still developing and it's taking. It's taken a long time
Speaker 1: because it's it's very quiet. Sometimes I have no words
Speaker 1: for this piece of me, um, and I can get
Speaker 1: very frustrated. The manger comes into then, you know, so
Speaker 1: then tell me that I'm not doing it right, which
Speaker 1: I think is in a lot of our self help stuff.
Speaker 1: When we start to do this work and and we
Speaker 1: try to start developing this self compassion piece, this manger
Speaker 1: is like, you're not doing it right, and you don't
Speaker 1: have the right words for it, and all the things.
Speaker 1: So tell us about the biggest fan and why why
Speaker 1: it's so quiet at the beginning. I mean, obviously we
Speaker 1: haven't we haven't cultivated it, but why is it so quiet? Um? So,
Speaker 1: the biggest fan is the voice of the mangers on
Speaker 1: one side and the BFFs on the other. Than the
Speaker 1: biggest fan is kind of that middle voice, and so
Speaker 1: I like to say she takes the dry i've of
Speaker 1: the manger, but the compassion of the bff And so
Speaker 1: she is the voice that is wise and kind and honest.
Speaker 1: Who will say, hey, Nancy, you're you know, you said
Speaker 1: you were going to write a thousand words today and
Speaker 1: you haven't sat down with the computer. So this is
Speaker 1: a goal. We need to do this, Versus you're such
Speaker 1: a loser. Here you go again. You made a false promise.
Speaker 1: She said you write a thousand words, and I haven't
Speaker 1: seen you do anything and this is what you do
Speaker 1: and you know, all the stuff of the monger, or
Speaker 1: skip it. Let's go downstairs and watch some real housewives
Speaker 1: and need some reci cups and never mind about the
Speaker 1: thousand words, which is the BF. She's gonna hold our
Speaker 1: feet to the fire, but do it with kindness. And
Speaker 1: so that piece was, you know, when I realized that,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, this is so foreign
Speaker 1: to me. I don't know what this sounds like. And
Speaker 1: I think that having I think the reason it's so
Speaker 1: quiet is because we don't have a lot of models
Speaker 1: of voice is that are kind and hold our feet
Speaker 1: to the fire. You know a lot of stuff, everything
Speaker 1: that is motivational out there is more shaming and belittling
Speaker 1: and pushing and pushing, and back to the snake story
Speaker 1: that I told at the beginning, we don't have that
Speaker 1: model of what you're feeling is okay. Your experience is
Speaker 1: okay because it's your experience, and so let's start looking
Speaker 1: at that rather than constantly thinking we need to be
Speaker 1: doing and being something else. Yeah, this is kind of
Speaker 1: where that reparenting piece comes in, basically, as we have
Speaker 1: to not only I'm like, this is where it gets
Speaker 1: really complicated because we're not we don't have a role
Speaker 1: model for that and most of the time, and so
Speaker 1: therefore we have to develop that piece within us and
Speaker 1: do I'm like, I feel like one piece of me
Speaker 1: is doing all the work, you know, at this self
Speaker 1: help work, and then like, I'm I'm supposed to also
Speaker 1: develop a parent that's supposed to take care of me.
Speaker 1: It's like, well, I mean that just seems super complicated,
Speaker 1: like let me split myself into five million pieces, But
Speaker 1: but it is. It's you're really retraining and re you're
Speaker 1: reworking the inner workings of how we speak to ourselves,
Speaker 1: right like ultimately, yes, yeah, yeah, that's ultimately. And so
Speaker 1: when people are like, Okay, I want to develop my BF,
Speaker 1: I mean it's not my BF. We got those done,
Speaker 1: my my my biggest fan. Um, where where do we begin?
Speaker 1: All Right? Well, I have to say, if I could
Speaker 1: go back and rename the BFF and the Biggest Fan,
Speaker 1: I totally would because the B and the F they
Speaker 1: just miss you know, it's the alliteration. There is just
Speaker 1: all but whatever, it's no, it's good, it's it's very
Speaker 1: clear when you know who, you know who the players are, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: um so again much. I. I always joke that I
Speaker 1: went into therapy so that I could learn how to
Speaker 1: think myself out of my feelings and could analyze them away.
Speaker 1: And and really the where the power is in two things.
Speaker 1: One acknowledging what you're feeling, and two getting into your
Speaker 1: body and slowing everything down. And those are two things
Speaker 1: that especially people with I functioning anxiety do not want
Speaker 1: to do. I do not want to slow down. I do.
Speaker 1: I want to keep going. And you know, like my husband,
Speaker 1: I'll come downstairs and he'll be like, honey, I think
Speaker 1: you should take a deep breath, and I just want
Speaker 1: to punch him in the face. You know. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't have time to take a deeper like I
Speaker 1: stop to do. I'm busy. I'm busy, so um so.
Speaker 1: I. I I always hated it when people when you read
Speaker 1: stuff and they're like, you need to slow down, and
Speaker 1: I would be like, so I did um acknowledging your feelings.
Speaker 1: The acronym that I used to get in touch with
Speaker 1: your biggest fan is ask. And I say that because
Speaker 1: you're gonna ask to hear from your biggest fan, and
Speaker 1: so you're gonna acknowledge your feelings, and so, like I said,
Speaker 1: I pull out a feeling sheet and I, um, look
Speaker 1: and you can google that online. You can print those
Speaker 1: out online. They're great. Laminate it, keep it, keep it
Speaker 1: in your car. Yes, do that's right there, and then
Speaker 1: I'll pull that out and just start naming what it
Speaker 1: is I'm feeling. And you know, I can remember years
Speaker 1: ago I did a presentation on this and I used
Speaker 1: the phrase feel your feelings, which I hate that phrase,
Speaker 1: but I came out of my mouth and the guy
Speaker 1: in front of in the front where I was like,
Speaker 1: oh jeez, he groaned and he was like you had
Speaker 1: me until that, like, really, how are we going to
Speaker 1: feel your feelings? What does that even mean? And I
Speaker 1: told M that's why I hate the phrase, because I
Speaker 1: have spent most of my life being like, what does
Speaker 1: it mean feel my feelings? Like how do I do that?
Speaker 1: And so this, But the power I realized through research,
Speaker 1: through my own experience is if you just name them,
Speaker 1: it really is powerful to just label what they are
Speaker 1: and be like, ah, all that's there. Like you said,
Speaker 1: I can feel a ton of feelings all at the
Speaker 1: same time. And I had no realization of this, and
Speaker 1: so Acknowledging your feelings is first, because that is thing.
Speaker 1: It's a bit of an intellectual exercise. So even if
Speaker 1: I'm going a thousand miles an hour, I can kind
Speaker 1: of play around with what am I feeling and kind
Speaker 1: of acknowledge that, and I'm still being productive quote unquote,
Speaker 1: but I'm in my head. That feels safe. That feels safe, yes, um.
Speaker 1: And then it is slowed down and get into your body,
Speaker 1: and that is I encourage you wele to do a
Speaker 1: full body movement with that meaning stand up, stretch, wiggle, um,
Speaker 1: you know, do a dance in your office, put on
Speaker 1: your favorite music, like something that gets you out of
Speaker 1: your head and into your body. And then the last
Speaker 1: k is kindly pulled back to see the big picture.
Speaker 1: Because our mongers tend to keep us in this black
Speaker 1: and white there's a right way and there's a wrong
Speaker 1: way to do everything. And so when we can pull
Speaker 1: back and see, ah, there's much what challenged myself to
Speaker 1: find all the different options here, then the world gets
Speaker 1: a little bigger and it's less scary. And that is
Speaker 1: what the biggest fan does is let's us see a
Speaker 1: bigger world. Got it? See that? That is the piece
Speaker 1: you know you're saying that feel your feelings? How do
Speaker 1: I feel my feelings? Sometimes? This is the piece that's
Speaker 1: challenging for me, is how do how do I pull
Speaker 1: back and see the bigger picture when it's like everything
Speaker 1: feels so you know, um pen pointed in like this
Speaker 1: one area. It's like that. That's the that's the challenging
Speaker 1: piece for me. It's like the pull back and see
Speaker 1: the bigger picture. And I guess maybe I'm not in
Speaker 1: my body. Maybe maybe that's the thing is I'm still
Speaker 1: in my head and that doesn't allow me to see
Speaker 1: pull back and see the bigger picture. Maybe I'm just
Speaker 1: answering my own question right now. I'm like, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not in my body. Maybe that's the that's
Speaker 1: the key piece because it is you know, I will
Speaker 1: say to people because a common wisdom is kind of like, oh,
Speaker 1: think of your best friend, and what what would you
Speaker 1: say to your best friend? And and you know, my
Speaker 1: best friend is kind of my bff. You know, she's
Speaker 1: always up to you. Always, she's for a good time.
Speaker 1: You for a good time. Like if I tell her
Speaker 1: something's wrong, she'll be like, well, let's go kill him.
Speaker 1: Like this is she's the very of the body friend
Speaker 1: is Burnet Brown would say, she is not gonna be like, oh, Nancy,
Speaker 1: what do you really want to do here? And let's
Speaker 1: you know. But if I think about so for me,
Speaker 1: I think about my niece who is in college right now,
Speaker 1: and she's someone that I would mentor and I love
Speaker 1: and I really want, you know, I really want to
Speaker 1: build self loyalty in her. And so then I that
Speaker 1: challenges me to think about, oh, what would I say
Speaker 1: to her? How would I challenge her to see to
Speaker 1: pull back? And so sometimes that can help us by
Speaker 1: getting out of our own situation and seeing it through
Speaker 1: someone else's eyes. I like that. Yeah, that's super helpful. Um,
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk to you. I mentioned social media earlier,
Speaker 1: and I found this about you so interesting. Well, first off,
Speaker 1: I pay attention and question everything. Have become your guiding
Speaker 1: princess to your life and with your practice, and I
Speaker 1: was wondering why those are such key pieces for you,
Speaker 1: because there's a lot out there that needs to be questioned. Well,
Speaker 1: but sometimes I mean question everything sometimes, you know, as
Speaker 1: the way that we've been raised, especially as women like
Speaker 1: we're not we're taught not to question everything. We're taught
Speaker 1: to just kind of roll with it and questioning things
Speaker 1: because questioning things rocks the boat. And we're taught to
Speaker 1: be good little girls and good little boys. And that's
Speaker 1: why I think, I mean, and I agree with you,
Speaker 1: there's so much out there to be questioned. So yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, how do you Did you ever have that
Speaker 1: piece in your life of where you you were afraid
Speaker 1: to question things? And that's why it's a guiding force
Speaker 1: because it's still in my life because it's I mean,
Speaker 1: I am. I will happily drink the kool aid all
Speaker 1: over the place, you know, like like that just is
Speaker 1: My default is to drink the kool aid. And so
Speaker 1: that's why I challenge myself to do that because as
Speaker 1: I don't question, if someone says something, I'm like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: that makes sense, yeah, you know, and then later I'm like,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, that didn't make sense at all, or
Speaker 1: that doesn't that doesn't fit me, you know, And and
Speaker 1: even listening to podcasts and stuff like, I will listen
Speaker 1: for what's the thing that's going to solve this problem
Speaker 1: for me? Instead of Oh, this worked for them, How
Speaker 1: can I apply what worked for them into me? Some
Speaker 1: but I don't have to. I don't have to drink
Speaker 1: the whole kool aid. Maybe it's just a little bit
Speaker 1: fits and that's hard for me too, And so that's
Speaker 1: why change. Having that guiding principle is just reminds me too.
Speaker 1: Not everyone knows better than you, Nancy. You know some
Speaker 1: stuff too. Yes, oh my gosh. People ask me all
Speaker 1: the time and interviews of what I would tell my
Speaker 1: fourteen year old self, and that that's always my answer
Speaker 1: is you trust you, like you know. I remember being
Speaker 1: so connected to my own intuition as children, I mean,
Speaker 1: we all are. And then there was like the world
Speaker 1: and all of these voices of people who were making
Speaker 1: money off of me and who knew better like I thought.
Speaker 1: And so it's like I just followed the leader, and
Speaker 1: that didn't get me very far when it came to
Speaker 1: like so many things. And so these last several years
Speaker 1: of my life have been to paying like returning home
Speaker 1: to my own truth, and which I want I applaud
Speaker 1: you for following your own truth, because when it comes
Speaker 1: to social media, you basically went you went off correct,
Speaker 1: like completely yeah, and I'm still off yeah. Do you
Speaker 1: what what made yeah? You still and still like you're
Speaker 1: sticking to that. I'm sticking to that. Yeah, alright, hold
Speaker 1: that thought, because we're going to pause for a brief break.
Speaker 1: We'll be right that. All right, friends, Once again, we
Speaker 1: are here with Nancy Jane Smith discussing the mental health
Speaker 1: benefits that she has found from taking a break from
Speaker 1: social media. How long have you been off? Um? About
Speaker 1: a year? It was a year ago July that I
Speaker 1: went off. And it was really kind of like I'm
Speaker 1: going off, Like it wasn't like debating for a long time.
Speaker 1: It was right after the George Floyd murder and there
Speaker 1: was all this performative stuff on Instagram, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't want why am I on this? What? How
Speaker 1: is this helping me or anyone? That we're all turning
Speaker 1: our squares black? You know, like who cares? And I
Speaker 1: really started paying attention to that. And I noticed that
Speaker 1: even in my business, like I wasn't writing blog posts
Speaker 1: or doing great podcast I was just trying to put
Speaker 1: something on Instagram instead of really diving into my work.
Speaker 1: And so that was my experiment. I'm gonna go off
Speaker 1: of it and see if my work gets richer by
Speaker 1: doing that. And it did. It's and and my life
Speaker 1: is so much better, Like I now reach out to
Speaker 1: people and actually connect with them instead of just doing
Speaker 1: a blanket post on social media about this is what's happening,
Speaker 1: and you know it. It's there's more connection. It is
Speaker 1: dramatically decreased my anxiety. Really yeah, wow, interesting, Well, that
Speaker 1: performative piece, especially for us high functioners, UM, is such
Speaker 1: a huge part of why we're high functioning anxiety, why
Speaker 1: we have it in the first place. So I'm sure
Speaker 1: social media, like I know, I have to be very
Speaker 1: aware of I mean, it is part of knowing. I
Speaker 1: know you have an argument for this too, that it
Speaker 1: is part of our job. It is part of my job. Um.
Speaker 1: I do feel that, UM, and I know that that's
Speaker 1: it's such a key piece to what I do. And
Speaker 1: at the same time, like I don't let it run
Speaker 1: my life, and I think there's a fine line, like
Speaker 1: you really have to be I was just talking I
Speaker 1: actually have someone who helps me, you know, run my
Speaker 1: social media, and it's we were just talking about how
Speaker 1: we've gotten to a place where it feels like people
Speaker 1: know me. But it's like, but I still have my
Speaker 1: life for myself, which is this Really it's a it's
Speaker 1: a place that most mostly only celeprities have had to
Speaker 1: that line that we've had to dance upon, but now
Speaker 1: like everybody dances upon that line. Yes, yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: what have you found when it comes to your business?
Speaker 1: I just find this so fascinating, like what have you found? Um, like,
Speaker 1: how has your business deepened or strength? And how is
Speaker 1: this strength in your business? You know, It's funny. For
Speaker 1: a long time I had my Instagram was up. I
Speaker 1: wasn't on it, but it stayed up and until like
Speaker 1: I think like six months ago, I finally deactivated it.
Speaker 1: But um but but I would do a podcast interview
Speaker 1: somewhere and I'd get all these likes, and the first
Speaker 1: thing it says on my page is I am no
Speaker 1: longer on Instagram. And I have the podcast explaining why
Speaker 1: I'm not on Instagram there, But it didn't matter, Like
Speaker 1: people were just like like like like so, um, so
Speaker 1: I'm getting more people to sign up for my newsletter,
Speaker 1: Like that's the only way you can hear from me
Speaker 1: is if you go to my newsletter, and which I
Speaker 1: write a weekly newsletter and and it's much deeper and
Speaker 1: richer than it was when I was doing these little
Speaker 1: Instagram posts, so it hasn't you know. I'm busier now
Speaker 1: than I was when I was on social media by far,
Speaker 1: and I don't know what's causing what. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Will I eventually need to go on because my business
Speaker 1: will get to a place where I'll need it, I
Speaker 1: don't know. But right now I am thankful that I
Speaker 1: don't have to be on it, and I have my
Speaker 1: podcast in my blog and I devote a ton of
Speaker 1: a time and attention to those, and that seems to
Speaker 1: be cutting it. I love that. Good for you, I
Speaker 1: mean seriously good for you, because and it is we
Speaker 1: there's so many there's so many beliefs around social media
Speaker 1: and itself of for business, and um you know that
Speaker 1: that key piece of getting that external validation. It's like, well,
Speaker 1: I mean, imagine the validation we would have to give
Speaker 1: ourselves if we didn't like that, Because that was something
Speaker 1: else that I noticed. People would email me and say,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, your your work is changing my life,
Speaker 1: this is so incredible, and I would be like, oh,
Speaker 1: well they didn't, you know, they're not gonna They're not
Speaker 1: they didn't buy a book or they didn't buy a course.
Speaker 1: They're just emailing me, and I was like, what are
Speaker 1: you doing? Girl? You are changing people's lives and that
Speaker 1: isn't enough for you, Like, you know, I kept moving
Speaker 1: the bar and moving the bar, and so that's something
Speaker 1: else that I've quit kind of chasing the vanity um
Speaker 1: metrics and have been like, Wow, I touched this person's life.
Speaker 1: Isn't that awesome? You know? And being able to kind
Speaker 1: of just be aware of that, And then it really
Speaker 1: was I made the decision if I don't want to
Speaker 1: be in business, if I have to be on social media,
Speaker 1: like that became my my point, like I'm gonna keep
Speaker 1: doing what I do and if I have to be
Speaker 1: on social media to do that, then I don't want
Speaker 1: to have to do this anymore. And there is your
Speaker 1: there's your self loyalty piece, which I love. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean I think with that loyalty it comes boundaries, and
Speaker 1: boundaries are a huge piece and and it's it it's
Speaker 1: so key, Like I'm what I'm learning right now. I'm
Speaker 1: doing a bunch of nutrition stuff for myself for myself
Speaker 1: my own health, like I was mentioning, and it's like
Speaker 1: I'm realizing how each of us are so unique, like
Speaker 1: and our our health, our food, our boundaries, our like
Speaker 1: everything is so unique to us if if we so
Speaker 1: choose to see it that way and actually get to
Speaker 1: know ourselves. And once you start to realize how unique
Speaker 1: you are, you start to stop buying into all these
Speaker 1: blanketed statements and bullshit and things like that are for
Speaker 1: the quote unquote masses. I don't like. I just believe
Speaker 1: once you start really understanding your uniqueness, I think there
Speaker 1: you start to kind of naturally start to move into
Speaker 1: that stuff loyalty piece. And I totally applaud you for that,
Speaker 1: because that's that's a huge piece. That's a huge, huge step,
Speaker 1: especially for someone who runs a business. Um, it's nice
Speaker 1: to see that you're living example that you can do
Speaker 1: it outside of of being involved it is. It's good. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you. I always ask my guest. I'm of course,
Speaker 1: I love music, and I always ask my guests they're
Speaker 1: holy We call this the Holy five, their top five songs.
Speaker 1: And this could be from like what you're listening to now,
Speaker 1: it could be from your lifetime, but I would love
Speaker 1: to know what music makes you. Take. Okay, So it's
Speaker 1: funny because my husband and I drove to had a
Speaker 1: six hour commute over weekend and so we binged your
Speaker 1: podcast and so yeah, I love it. And it was
Speaker 1: so funny to hear people's you know take on this
Speaker 1: uh from the here's the songs that are on my
Speaker 1: workout playlist two here's you know, just random music. So
Speaker 1: mine all have meaning to me, and I even wrote
Speaker 1: out the lyrics that particularly were of meaning. I love
Speaker 1: you for this. You have no idea. You're making my
Speaker 1: virgo heart so happy right now. So the song is
Speaker 1: Crazy as Me by Alison Krauss, and this was the
Speaker 1: song that that I walked down the aisle too to
Speaker 1: my husband because the line is I'm used to being alone,
Speaker 1: which was I was alone. We didn't get married till
Speaker 1: I was a thirty nine, and so I always thought
Speaker 1: I was going to be never get married, And so
Speaker 1: it says I'm used to being alone, and then some
Speaker 1: folks seem to think I only got one problem. I
Speaker 1: can't find nobody as crazy as me. I used to
Speaker 1: be in alone, my playings with them, rings and photos,
Speaker 1: it up with the phone, so good. How long have
Speaker 1: you been married? Ten years? I love it? So he
Speaker 1: is as crazy as me, I'm sure. And then I
Speaker 1: had going to the wedding. I loved her first by Heartland,
Speaker 1: which was the song that my dad and I sang
Speaker 1: Your Dance Too, And the lyric in that is I
Speaker 1: know the love. I knew the love of a father
Speaker 1: runs deep. And I prayed that she'd find you someday.
Speaker 1: But it's still hard to give her away. That she
Speaker 1: found you someday, but it's still hard to give her.
Speaker 1: I loved her. I knows. I'm not singing any of
Speaker 1: these lyrics. I'm just reading them to you. I really
Speaker 1: I appreciate though, the feeling that it's coming with it.
Speaker 1: So it's good. Um, because my dad also never thought
Speaker 1: I was gonna get married, so I think he was
Speaker 1: so excited that when I actually pulled that off. And
Speaker 1: then Mercy by Dave Matthews Band. Um is a huge
Speaker 1: Dave Matthews Band fan, and so he has brought me
Speaker 1: into the fold. And so and my favorite line from
Speaker 1: that is I got to say that love is not
Speaker 1: a whisper or a weakness. No, love is strong, strong,
Speaker 1: got to get together, got gotta get gotta get So
Speaker 1: I love that reminder song. And and then Incomplete by
Speaker 1: Alanis Morrisset, which is just one of my favorite reminders.
Speaker 1: Have I been running so sweaty my whole life, urge
Speaker 1: it for a finish line, and have been missing the
Speaker 1: rapture this whole time of being forever in missing rapture
Speaker 1: these hops time fever, Yes, And I think that is
Speaker 1: the key right there. And then the last one is
Speaker 1: takes you back to high school and Sting And he
Speaker 1: wrote soul Cages, which is an album that he wrote
Speaker 1: for his which I'm a huge Sting fan. Um. He
Speaker 1: wrote soul Cages for the death of his father and
Speaker 1: it was interesting. After my father died, I found so
Speaker 1: much um healing in that album. And we'd listen to
Speaker 1: that album and just sob which was very healing. But
Speaker 1: I loved um the line of Blessed are the poor,
Speaker 1: for they shall inherit the earth. Better to be poor
Speaker 1: than a fat man in the eye of the needle show.
Speaker 1: Mm wow yeah, wow. Oh men, you just sat by
Speaker 1: the way. You just set a new bar for people
Speaker 1: coming on and talking about those songs. I mean, not
Speaker 1: only am I'm gonna be like, can you write the
Speaker 1: lyrics that you love doing? Because that was awesome. Oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, thank you for that. That was beautiful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: thank you for sharing that because I know, I mean
Speaker 1: music for me is you know, it's a It shares
Speaker 1: such a vulnerable, deep piece of us. And for you
Speaker 1: sharing those lyrics, thank you for thank you for showing
Speaker 1: up so vulnerably. I really do appreciate it. Yeah. No,
Speaker 1: it was so much fun and it was a fun
Speaker 1: thing to do over the holiday was to ask people
Speaker 1: what their five favorite songs are. I we had some
Speaker 1: good conversations around it, so amazing party conversation piece. I
Speaker 1: love it. I love it well. Thank you for coming
Speaker 1: on here and sharing your wisdom, and thank you for
Speaker 1: using utilizing your life experience to help others. Um that
Speaker 1: is truly I think what we're here to do, and
Speaker 1: you're doing a beautiful job of it. So thank you
Speaker 1: so much. Right back at you. Thank thank you so
Speaker 1: much for for this whole project. You're doing beautiful. Thank you.
Speaker 1: And that's a wrap for this episode of Holy Human Again.
Speaker 1: Nancy's book is called The Happier Approach. Be kind to yourself,
Speaker 1: feel happier and still accomplish your goals. I hope you
Speaker 1: found it as helpful as I did. And if you
Speaker 1: love this episode, please hope free to pass it along.
Speaker 1: And share it with someone in your life you think
Speaker 1: could benefit from a listen. Also make sure you leave
Speaker 1: me your feedback wherever you listen, because I love reading
Speaker 1: your thoughts and comments. On the next Holy Human, you'll
Speaker 1: meet a woman who has had a profound impact on
Speaker 1: my life and my body, Dr Mendi Pelts. She is
Speaker 1: a woman who will absolutely change the way you see
Speaker 1: your health and food forever. I can't even begin to
Speaker 1: put into words how much she has changed the way
Speaker 1: I look at my body, my hormones, uh food, I
Speaker 1: mean everything, and be prepared to question everything you thought
Speaker 1: you knew about the way to fuel your body and
Speaker 1: mine for optimal results and vibrancy. I guess that's the
Speaker 1: word that comes to mind. This one is a game changer,
Speaker 1: I promise. So until then, everyone take care for one another.
Speaker 1: I love you, Bye, Holy Human with me. Leanne Rhymes
Speaker 1: is a