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Speaker 1: Y'all. Before we begin this week's episode, I just want

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Speaker 1: to share that the kid was featured in Essence magazine.

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Speaker 1: I'm finally in ess y'all, and I'm so fucking happy,

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Speaker 1: Like I've literally been crying all day on top of

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Speaker 1: having a headache because I can't believe I've finally made

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Speaker 1: it happen. Now fun that we finally made it happen.

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Speaker 1: And plus I think I'm crying so much because this

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Speaker 1: was my grandmother's nano's favorite magazine. Y'all, man talk about

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Speaker 1: tears of joy. If y'all want to see the kid

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Speaker 1: in the list for black podcast that you should listen

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Speaker 1: to this fall, just click the link in the show

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Speaker 1: notes below. Also, don't forget to grab your PHC coloring

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Speaker 1: book either at Blue Stock his bookstore located in Lord

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Speaker 1: East Side or on my website T E. P h

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Speaker 1: G podcast dot com. Professional Home Girls. We are in Essence.

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Speaker 1: Yesterday's price is not today's price, child. Okay, thank you

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Speaker 1: all so much for all y'all support, and until next time, everyone,

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Speaker 1: and God bless later. Welcome. You are now listening to

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Speaker 1: the Professional Professional. Hey, Professional Home Girls is the kid

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Speaker 1: of a name from the PSD podcast the only place

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Speaker 1: where you would hear interviews from black women anonymously on

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Speaker 1: stories that will enlighten, and expand on taboo topics. Now,

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Speaker 1: if you hear someone that sounds familiar, mind the business

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Speaker 1: that pays you child. If you like the PhD podcast,

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Speaker 1: please rate, review and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five

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Speaker 1: star reviews only. Hold me Down, Don't Hold Me Up.

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Speaker 1: Merch is now available on the site as well as

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Speaker 1: my book list, so please make sure you visit the

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Speaker 1: link in the show notes below. You can connect with

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Speaker 1: the kid on Instagram at the Professional Homegirl and at

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Speaker 1: the PhD podcast. If you are on Twitter, please follow

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Speaker 1: me at the PhD podcast now. If you are all

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Speaker 1: caught up with episode, listen to the bonus episodes by

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Speaker 1: supporting the PSG podcast Patreon account. To support, please visit

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Speaker 1: www dot patreon dot com forward slash the PSG podcast now.

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Speaker 1: Please keep in mind that all of my guests are nonness,

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Speaker 1: so let's again this week's episode. I am super excited

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Speaker 1: to have my guests on the show to share her

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Speaker 1: story on losing their parents and suicide as well as

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Speaker 1: her thoughts on suicide. So to my guests, how are

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Speaker 1: you doing how are you feeling. Hi, I'm doing good.

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Speaker 1: I'm an a, I'm feeling good. I'm excited to talk

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Speaker 1: about this. Um. I don't really talk about my dad

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Speaker 1: very much, so I'm actually excited to share some things

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Speaker 1: about him. Nice. Nice. But before we get into your story,

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Speaker 1: do you know what suicide was before it affected your family? Yes?

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Speaker 1: I knew what it was. What were your thoughts on

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Speaker 1: it before? Um? I just always had in my mind

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Speaker 1: what someone that you know committed suicide looks like. Um,

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Speaker 1: Because in high school, they would always play the videos

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Speaker 1: of like the very you know, like the teenagers that

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Speaker 1: didn't have a lot of friends and they were bullied

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Speaker 1: in school. They kind of painted this picture of suicide

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Speaker 1: being kind of like a teenage and honestly, I'm mostly

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Speaker 1: kind of like a white teenage issue. Um. So, yes,

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Speaker 1: I was aware what suicide was, but I was not

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Speaker 1: aware of how much it impacted so many other communities

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Speaker 1: and different generations and all of that. So that's a fact. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: what are your thoughts on it now? Since it hits

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Speaker 1: close to home? My thoughts on it now is just

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Speaker 1: it makes sense why it's you know, why it affects

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Speaker 1: our community, black community, So much because mental health is

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Speaker 1: just not it's a it's very stigmatized thing across many

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Speaker 1: different races, but especially amongst people of color and especially

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Speaker 1: amongst black communities. So um, now when I think of it,

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Speaker 1: I'm I'm glad that the conversation is now starting to happen,

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Speaker 1: and it's okay to not be okay, and it's okay

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Speaker 1: to voice that you're not okay. Um. So what I

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Speaker 1: think about suicide now, it's like, at first, I was

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Speaker 1: a bit of ashamed when you know, when it happened

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Speaker 1: and my dad took his life, I was ashamed, you know,

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Speaker 1: I was just like wow that, you know, I always

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Speaker 1: had in my mind that suicide was you know, like

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Speaker 1: a young teenage problem, and here's my dad almost fifty

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Speaker 1: and he took his own life. So I had to

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Speaker 1: break down that, you know, idea that suicide is embarrassing,

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Speaker 1: you know, because it's not. Mental health is something that

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Speaker 1: I think many of us struggle with. So now at

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Speaker 1: you know, my age, my late twenties, I look at

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Speaker 1: suicide as a thing that is that could affect everyone

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Speaker 1: you know, and if it's not immediately affecting you, it's

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Speaker 1: someone that you know or it's someone that you work

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Speaker 1: with that they know. Um, so yeah, it's it's ah,

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Speaker 1: that's how I see it now. You made at good

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Speaker 1: point because I feel like when I was growing up,

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Speaker 1: I didn't hear a lot of conversations on how to

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Speaker 1: deal with suicidal pal social suicide overall. So do you

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Speaker 1: think this topic, well, you just answer you did to

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Speaker 1: the topic is still taboo. But how do you think

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Speaker 1: we can have more conversations about it? I mean, what

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Speaker 1: you're doing right now is one of them. Right talking

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Speaker 1: about it on a podcast. Podcast is so big now,

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Speaker 1: so you know speaking on podcast. Social media is massive,

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Speaker 1: and you know that that was one of the things

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Speaker 1: where it kind of allowed me to open up, was

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Speaker 1: going through the hashtags and reading other people's stories. Um.

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Speaker 1: And YouTube is another great one. You can actually watch

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Speaker 1: someone see there are emotions, which is where you reached

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Speaker 1: out to me. You know, we saw my video, so

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Speaker 1: you know, things like that, and then you know, even

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Speaker 1: different things where in your city aside from social media,

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Speaker 1: in your city, there are a lot of chapters, Like

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Speaker 1: in d C where I live, we have chapters which

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Speaker 1: actually next week, I believe, No, it's not enough time.

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry, they're doing a suicide walk or suicide prevention walk. Sorry,

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Speaker 1: and um, next week they're doing a picnic, um a

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Speaker 1: suicide prevention picnic. So you should also just google in

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Speaker 1: your city, in your state. What are some other things

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Speaker 1: are activities that are surrounding suicide and the prevention of

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Speaker 1: it and and honestly just the education of it. Right.

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Speaker 1: And I know in your video you mentioned that you

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Speaker 1: treat people differently now because of your father's passing. I

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Speaker 1: would have to rewatch that video. I try not to

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Speaker 1: revisit that video because I've seen it a couple of

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Speaker 1: times and it does get me a bit emotional. Um,

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Speaker 1: I would say when I think I've come back around

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Speaker 1: to more of my free dad's death personality, UM, I'm

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Speaker 1: not fully back to the same, but yeah, I'll kind

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Speaker 1: of say at first, I was, you know, very open,

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Speaker 1: just friendly. You know, I had no problems, no worries.

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Speaker 1: I was raised with my mom, my dad, and my

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Speaker 1: older brother, so I was well taken care of as

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Speaker 1: a kid. Then my dad passed away and it was

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Speaker 1: almost I did a complete one eighty where I became

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Speaker 1: very shut down. And and this was even within my family,

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Speaker 1: you know, my mom and my brother that were still there.

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Speaker 1: I didn't really speak much um. I would go into

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Speaker 1: my room and just do my own thing and try

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Speaker 1: to work through my problems. So then when I went

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Speaker 1: to school and interacted with people, was almost like I

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Speaker 1: didn't know how um I was. I would say I

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Speaker 1: was kind of, I wouldn't say kind of. Let's go,

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Speaker 1: I was mean in the sense of I didn't know

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Speaker 1: how to handle my emotions and also still be a

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Speaker 1: good person. I mean, you was so young, ye right,

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Speaker 1: I was in high school. I as a freshman, So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was. I was a child that was a baby,

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Speaker 1: you know, And I'm dealing with depression, I'm dealing with things.

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Speaker 1: I am dealing with all these emotions that I've never

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Speaker 1: had to deal with. And then I'm also dealing with

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Speaker 1: feeling like my friends that were there before my dad

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Speaker 1: died weren't really there after he died, And so there

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Speaker 1: was also a feeling of anger and resentment towards them

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Speaker 1: for kind of a banding in me. So I did

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Speaker 1: have a shift in my perception of friendship as well,

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Speaker 1: you know, because at first you have this idea when

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Speaker 1: you're young, like, oh, we're gonna be bfs for life,

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Speaker 1: and literally getting what right? That is why your life

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Speaker 1: is like oh wait, no, there's really no you know,

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Speaker 1: like this is just something you're saying, but when you're

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Speaker 1: going through something for real and you're like, I thought

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Speaker 1: you were going to be there, and so yeah, I

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Speaker 1: shut down with them because I saw early that hey,

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Speaker 1: this this friendship thing is kind of it's not what

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Speaker 1: I'm and friendship was. You know, I kind of had

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Speaker 1: a real look into finding good friends and you know,

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Speaker 1: friends that are gonna be there to thick and thin

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Speaker 1: but right and be present eban in. But you know,

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Speaker 1: as I'm you know, older, now I realized they were

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Speaker 1: also fourteen and fifteen they didn't know how Yeah. Yeah

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Speaker 1: that was my fourteen year old mind being like why

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Speaker 1: are you not here? Right? But my now you know,

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Speaker 1: late twenties mine is like yeah, they also had no

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Speaker 1: idea how to handle someone dealing with what I was

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Speaker 1: going through. So I've moved past that anger, and that's

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Speaker 1: why I think I've come back around to my you know,

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Speaker 1: first personality or like my my natural self, my natural

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Speaker 1: soul connection of being you know, open and friendly and

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Speaker 1: honest and you're your dad. We're pretty close. Well, I'm

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Speaker 1: pretty sure your family was tightened. It, yes, very very close.

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Speaker 1: But how long has it been since he passed away?

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Speaker 1: In quite some time? He passed away in two thousand

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Speaker 1: and five, so this November. He passed away in November

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Speaker 1: twenty so that would be what seventeen mm hmmm, sixteen years? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: sixteen years. Yeah, it'll be sixteen years this year, so

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Speaker 1: it's been quite a while. Um. And my friend mentioned

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Speaker 1: this my last what is it two birthdays ago? She

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Speaker 1: was like, isn't it crazy that you know this birthday?

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Speaker 1: Isn't that you now have been alive longer than you've

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Speaker 1: known your dad? And I was just like, why would you?

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Speaker 1: Why would you? But I mean she also lost her dad,

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Speaker 1: so we have that sole connection. It's a crazy store,

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Speaker 1: but we don't need to get into that. But anyways,

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Speaker 1: we both mourned our dad's death at the same time.

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Speaker 1: So like that, I was like, um, yeah, I think right,

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Speaker 1: it's but yeah, it's something you don't really think about.

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Speaker 1: But when she said I was just like, wow, no,

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Speaker 1: you're right. I he's he passed away right before my

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Speaker 1: fourteenth birthday. I'm now at twenty six, Yeah right, how

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Speaker 1: how was he he was forty nine? Wow? So looking back,

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Speaker 1: the dude noticed, honest that something was wrong. Oh of course, Um,

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Speaker 1: my dad suffered from depression for years, even before I

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Speaker 1: was born. My dad suffered from depression. Um, and then

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Speaker 1: he had gotten better. Right, So when I was younger,

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Speaker 1: we we're fine as long as you know, for for

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Speaker 1: what I remember clearland a child, But my dad was

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Speaker 1: working full time. My mom wasn't working, so you know,

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Speaker 1: financially stable. Then my dad got sick. Um, he had

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Speaker 1: he had um clinical depression. So it was, um, you know,

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Speaker 1: imbalance in his brain. It ran and the it runs

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Speaker 1: in the family. So um, he wasn't able to work.

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Speaker 1: He stopped working for years, and so um my mom

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Speaker 1: had to now were us and my dad was home

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Speaker 1: for the majority of the days. So the last few

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Speaker 1: years of my dad's life, I saw him, um, just

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Speaker 1: withdraw himself completely. Like he would stay in the room

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Speaker 1: for the entire day, and you know, I would come

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Speaker 1: home from school and he would be in the room.

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Speaker 1: I would like go play outside, coming and he'd be

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Speaker 1: in the room. So I was I saw it, you know,

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Speaker 1: like I saw how much, like how much the depression

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Speaker 1: had gotten a hold on him. Towards the end of

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Speaker 1: his time on this earth. Yeah, and do you know

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Speaker 1: if he ever tried to commit suicide before? Yes, he did.

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Speaker 1: I found that out after he passed away. Actually, I

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Speaker 1: think I had a conversation. I think it was with

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Speaker 1: my mom and it wasn't something that I knew prior

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Speaker 1: UM and I think she just waited until she felt

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Speaker 1: like I was mature enough to hear um. But yes,

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Speaker 1: it would happened before I was born. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if it happened again. It may have happened twice. I

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Speaker 1: know for certain of one. UM. And he had tried

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Speaker 1: committing committing suicide before, but it wasn't his time to go.

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Speaker 1: God said it wasn't his time because as he was trying,

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Speaker 1: you know, and the act, he was in a car

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Speaker 1: and it just so happened to officers saw the car,

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Speaker 1: pulled him out, took him to the hospital and he

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Speaker 1: was saved. And the crazy thing, the area that he

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Speaker 1: parked in was an extremely secluded area and so the

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Speaker 1: fact that you know, there were just two off duty

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Speaker 1: officers that were just kind of driving around and was

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Speaker 1: able to see this one car and got him out

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Speaker 1: in time. Um. So yeah, that time wasn't his time

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Speaker 1: to go. But you know, I have a question for you,

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Speaker 1: because that's what people talk about suicide. Don't look at

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Speaker 1: it from that aspect of like, you know, a personally

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Speaker 1: and assistance with things. They're just really going through it

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Speaker 1: because sometimes life is just that fucking hard. Yeah, So

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Speaker 1: what are your thoughts when people say that when people

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Speaker 1: take their lives the way that they were selfish or

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Speaker 1: they not consider it, like, how do you feel about that?

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Speaker 1: I understand because I felt that way at certain points

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Speaker 1: throughout my grieving process, and I'm still going through the

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Speaker 1: grieving process, right, because you never fully I think you

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Speaker 1: would say good yeah, right, um, And so I understand

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Speaker 1: at you know, at first, I was angry at my

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Speaker 1: dad for that exact reason, like why why did you

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Speaker 1: make this decision? You know, like you had a choice, right,

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Speaker 1: suicide is a choice. But then you know, now that

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Speaker 1: I'm older and I understand mental health and I understand

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Speaker 1: the imbalance in your brain, I understand, you know, and

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Speaker 1: also just kind of going through my own journey with

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Speaker 1: my own mental health and my own you know, struggles

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Speaker 1: I go through, I can understand how someone can get

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Speaker 1: to that point, right, yeah, right exactly. So I just

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Speaker 1: try to give people as much understanding. I mean, this

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Speaker 1: is not a thing to say like, oh yeah, STU

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Speaker 1: exscided the answer, because it's still never the answer, right, um.

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Speaker 1: But I've learned to give my dad grace and understand

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Speaker 1: that many, I would say, probably even of the people

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Speaker 1: that commit suicide, that's not the decision that they would

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Speaker 1: have liked if they were in the right state of mind,

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Speaker 1: you know, like for the fact that someone took their

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Speaker 1: own life, something really internally must have been going wrong,

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Speaker 1: and if you know they were there properly, that wouldn't

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Speaker 1: have been the decision that they would have made. So

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Speaker 1: I mean, I only try to think about it as

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Speaker 1: much anymore, you know, and it is what it is

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Speaker 1: at this point. But I mean I can understand why

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Speaker 1: people take it as selfish, because you do leave behind

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Speaker 1: a bunch of people that miss you. You leave. Now

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Speaker 1: everyone's morning, you know, now everyone has to go to

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Speaker 1: your funeral and know that this could have been avoided.

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Speaker 1: So I get it. But you know, life is tough,

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Speaker 1: and you know now leading up to the days of

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Speaker 1: his past and looking back is I'm pretty sure as

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Speaker 1: a kid it's something you just wasn't aware of. So

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Speaker 1: looking back at your younger stuff because you see that

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Speaker 1: something was going to happen or like, did you see

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Speaker 1: a shift from him even worse than the state that

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Speaker 1: he was in? Uh? Yeah, actually, and it wasn't I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't even say it was the like the weeks leading up.

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Speaker 1: It was maybe a couple of months before. It was

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Speaker 1: a few months before. And this is something that I've

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Speaker 1: also I've learned now is that when someone that's depressed

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Speaker 1: you should be really weird. When they start being better,

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Speaker 1: like when they start maybe going back to work or

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Speaker 1: working out, that's the time. Yeah, it's that's the time

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Speaker 1: when you should really make sure that they're okay because

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Speaker 1: they're at this level like okay, I feel good and

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Speaker 1: if something goes wrong, that could be you know, like

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Speaker 1: that could be the snap, that could be the up. Nope,

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Speaker 1: I've tried. It's done right because when they're kind of

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Speaker 1: like at that low thing, they're kind of just like cruising,

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Speaker 1: you know, you know, kind of just at a low.

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Speaker 1: But then if they go out that high and something happens,

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Speaker 1: you can take them right back down to even or place.

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Speaker 1: So my dad was, like I said, wasn't working for

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Speaker 1: a few years and then he started feeling better, right,

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Speaker 1: I got a job like a switch. Yeah, it was

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Speaker 1: kind of like he just started feeling better. He started

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Speaker 1: like going for walks again at the park, and then

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Speaker 1: he started he got a job again, and you know,

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Speaker 1: it was like, oh, yes, my dad's feeling better, right.

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Speaker 1: But then one day and he worked at at the time,

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Speaker 1: he worked at a hotel and when I say, it

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Speaker 1: was like Westgate or something, and they had my mom

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Speaker 1: and my dad shared a car, and so he got

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Speaker 1: off late that night. It was like nighttime. So my

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Speaker 1: mom and I went to go get picked up my

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Speaker 1: dad and we were waiting in the parking lot and

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Speaker 1: we're calling him. We're calling him, he's not answering, and

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Speaker 1: I immediately started crying in the car. I felt. I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh, my dad died, you know, like and

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Speaker 1: that's not even a normal emotion to feel as a

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Speaker 1: thirteen year old, Like, Oh, your dad's are answering. He's

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Speaker 1: probably busy at work, you know, Like, why would you

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Speaker 1: immediately think your dad died. There has been no sign.

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Speaker 1: I felt it. And this was months before this was

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Speaker 1: like I want to say, at least three months prior

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Speaker 1: to him actually, you know, committing suicide. And I remember

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Speaker 1: Mom was okay, he's probably just I was, and I

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Speaker 1: felt I was like something, it's wrong, you know, and

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Speaker 1: I just started crying. Um, and we ended up driving

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Speaker 1: back home, and then eventually he called us back, maybe

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Speaker 1: like twenty minutes later. It's like, oh, you know, I

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Speaker 1: was downstairs. I'm sorry. You know, I didn't. I didn't

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Speaker 1: realize it was late. I was doing something. I forgot

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Speaker 1: what he said. So Joe back picked him up, and

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Speaker 1: when he came out to greet me and my mom,

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Speaker 1: I remember opening the door and I just hugged him.

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Speaker 1: I was like, Daddy, I thought you were dead, and

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Speaker 1: I like I And it's so crazy to think that

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Speaker 1: I felt that, you know, like I could feel that

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Speaker 1: that something. I don't know if I knew something was

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Speaker 1: going to happen, but I I don't know how to

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Speaker 1: explain it. But no, no, nothing put you off. Because

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Speaker 1: I had that same feeling with my grandmother passed away

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Speaker 1: and I didn't know what it was, but my body

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Speaker 1: wasn't so much pain, and I, UM, when you get

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Speaker 1: a chance, I'm gonna taking you a link to this

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Speaker 1: episode I did with this what my psychic and she

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00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:05,480
Speaker 1: speaks more about experienced those type of feelings when somebody

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Speaker 1: is transitioning. It's it's the craziest thing. I know exactly

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Speaker 1: what you Like. I thought that I was about to

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Speaker 1: like pass out because I never felt pain like this before.

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00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,760
Speaker 1: I felt walked. But your you said, your aunt, your grandmom, sorry,

348
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Speaker 1: my grandmother. She literally passed away that same day. I

349
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Speaker 1: was feeling that did you to tell her? Did you

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Speaker 1: know who? It was? Like four or like you just

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Speaker 1: felt pain and you didn't know you couldn't explain it. Well,

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Speaker 1: I'm making a long story short. I had a dream

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Speaker 1: that a woman passed away and I all amatic und

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Speaker 1: that was my grandmother, but I just didn't know where

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Speaker 1: because the dream was like when I was sleeping late

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Speaker 1: at night. So one day I was at work. It

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Speaker 1: was a beautiful day, having funky him, my coworker, and

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Speaker 1: when I tell you, my body got so stiff, like

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Speaker 1: I could not move, and I thought I didn't know

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Speaker 1: what I was thinking, like I just thought the worst,

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Speaker 1: but I didn't know it was her. And then I

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Speaker 1: asked my boss time and go home because I really

363
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Speaker 1: wasn't feeling like I couldn't even turn my and as

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Speaker 1: I got home, when I got the news that she

365
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Speaker 1: passed away, so I told my psyche about it. Interview

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Speaker 1: on her and he speaks more about how your body

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00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:14,440
Speaker 1: can feel comed soul of spirit when transition. That means you, guys,

368
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,800
Speaker 1: were very close to yourr Grandma must have been really close.

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Speaker 1: The fact that you could feel that, that's such a

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Speaker 1: strong feeling that your soul are sa connected. Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: I feel like, I mean, you mentioned your psychics, so

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Speaker 1: I'm assuming that you're somewhere Okay, that was That was

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Speaker 1: I was waiting too. And I feel people that are

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Speaker 1: extremely spiritual because I'm I am Christian, but I think

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Speaker 1: I'm most kind of I've been focusing on the spiritual

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Speaker 1: aspect more so. I think people like us that are,

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Speaker 1: you know, aware of how we're all connected and how

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Speaker 1: we can really talk to our ancestors. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if this is what you believe. I'm just mentioning what

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Speaker 1: I know. Yeah, yes, yeah, part of the journey man.

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Speaker 1: Part of the journey been finding that out. So because

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Speaker 1: I think people like us that are so aware and

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Speaker 1: knowledgeable of our spiritual connection, that's probably why it affects

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Speaker 1: us more than maybe some other people that don't tune

385
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:18,399
Speaker 1: into that part of their being. Mm hmm. Yeah. So

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Speaker 1: when you so, when you saw him, tell him that,

387
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,920
Speaker 1: oh you thought he passed away? He said, norry and

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Speaker 1: then he just kept apologizing that he was downstairs working

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Speaker 1: and he didn't realize it was late, and he just

390
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,240
Speaker 1: apologized that he scared me, and he just the whole time,

391
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Speaker 1: I was just crying and he just hugged me and

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Speaker 1: it just kept, you know, reiterating that you know, he's

393
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:41,040
Speaker 1: sorry and it it was just work. But yeah, I

394
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Speaker 1: just didn't it didn't feel like just you know, it

395
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Speaker 1: didn't something was like, no, why are you not coming out?

396
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:49,800
Speaker 1: And you were coming you know. So how did you

397
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,520
Speaker 1: find out on the day when he passed away? Um? Okay,

398
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,280
Speaker 1: so the day he passed away, it's kind of just

399
00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,919
Speaker 1: a big blur. So, um, Thanksgiving, my birthday, and my

400
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,760
Speaker 1: cousin's birthday all fallen within two weeks, two and a

401
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,480
Speaker 1: half weeks of each other, and that was also in

402
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Speaker 1: the time that my dad passed. So I was at

403
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Speaker 1: my cousin's house for her celebrating her birthday, and my

404
00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:15,200
Speaker 1: mom and my brother came to pick me up that Sunday,

405
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Speaker 1: and my brother had recently moved on campus to UCF

406
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:23,119
Speaker 1: go nights anybody, um, And so when he came, I

407
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:24,760
Speaker 1: was like, why are you here? You know, I wasn't

408
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,920
Speaker 1: expecting for you to already kind of be back, you know, visiting.

409
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Speaker 1: You literally just left. So as soon as they opened

410
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Speaker 1: the door, UM, I could tell there was something wrong.

411
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Speaker 1: And I was just like, okay, where's Daddy? Like why

412
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Speaker 1: are you two here? And then my mom was like, okay,

413
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Speaker 1: you know how didn't come home? And that went again

414
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Speaker 1: back to immediately tearing up, and I went into my

415
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:50,000
Speaker 1: grandma's bathroom and I sat on the toilet and I

416
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,919
Speaker 1: cried and I said, He's I felt it. I was like,

417
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,840
Speaker 1: he's this is it? This is like I remember telling myself.

418
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,879
Speaker 1: I was like, oh no, he's gone. And we left.

419
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Speaker 1: We drove around places that we know that he likes to,

420
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,760
Speaker 1: you know, go, which is like the parks, the library.

421
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,720
Speaker 1: We're walking around and we ended up trying to find

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Speaker 1: him for maybe about an hour and a half, and

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Speaker 1: then we just like, okay, let's just go home. Let's

424
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:15,000
Speaker 1: see if we can, you know, let's kind of reassess

425
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Speaker 1: and figure out what's the next step. So we're driving

426
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,439
Speaker 1: on the way home, we passed one of our local

427
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:24,520
Speaker 1: gas stations and we see our car and the parking lot.

428
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,000
Speaker 1: So we get out and we walked to the car,

429
00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:29,000
Speaker 1: and I remember the walk up to the car was

430
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,160
Speaker 1: just like I could feel something in my stomach because

431
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,680
Speaker 1: I was just like, I'm going to see my dad's

432
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:36,439
Speaker 1: dead body in this car, right. And we go to

433
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,760
Speaker 1: the car. We open the car, No, that one's in there.

434
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:43,080
Speaker 1: We go to the trunk, and again there's a pit

435
00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:44,639
Speaker 1: in my stomach because I'm like, I'm gonna open the

436
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,720
Speaker 1: trunk and see my dad and then open the trunk

437
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,919
Speaker 1: and there's nothing there, thank god. So we walk in.

438
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,880
Speaker 1: My mom, you are paying, You're paying this picture because

439
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:56,439
Speaker 1: I'm seeing it too. Yeah. It was a kid like,

440
00:23:56,480 --> 00:24:01,280
Speaker 1: oh my god, go ahead, no, no, no, please, this

441
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:06,320
Speaker 1: great conversation. Um so um. My brother and I stand back,

442
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:09,000
Speaker 1: and my mom goes into the gas station to speak

443
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:12,200
Speaker 1: to the person describing him. He's five ten, you know,

444
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:16,520
Speaker 1: pale skin, curly hair, glasses, you know, have you seen him?

445
00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:18,360
Speaker 1: And the guy says no, you know, I've been here

446
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,960
Speaker 1: all night and no one has come into here that

447
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,199
Speaker 1: fits that description. So my brother and I there's this

448
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,800
Speaker 1: wooded area in the back of the gas station, just

449
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,520
Speaker 1: a bunch of wood, bunch of trees. Start walking and

450
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,600
Speaker 1: we're like calling his name, David, David, Daddy. We're calling

451
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,960
Speaker 1: his name for maybe about three minutes, and we're walking

452
00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:37,560
Speaker 1: to the tree tree, you know, like the wooded area

453
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,159
Speaker 1: because at first we're kind of like where the road is,

454
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,600
Speaker 1: but we're starting to gear off towards where all the

455
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,679
Speaker 1: trees so we can go inside to find to go

456
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,440
Speaker 1: look for him. So as we're walking in to start

457
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,200
Speaker 1: looking for him again, a random cop and again I'm

458
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,320
Speaker 1: telling you, these are wooded areas. Like it's in the

459
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 1: back of a place called the Ready in Orlando. No

460
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,560
Speaker 1: one goes back here. And this random cop pulls up.

461
00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,800
Speaker 1: He's like, oh, what's going on? And you know, we

462
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,560
Speaker 1: how long we explained the situation and we're like, we're

463
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:04,720
Speaker 1: looking for my dad. He didn't come home. That's his car.

464
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,639
Speaker 1: So he's like, you guys need to stop looking. Don't

465
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,400
Speaker 1: don't go anymore, don't go into that wooded area. I'll

466
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,960
Speaker 1: call the top, I'll call the helicopters, we'll call the dogs,

467
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:17,640
Speaker 1: will find him. So he tells us to sit down now, Ebany,

468
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,760
Speaker 1: I don't know how many how much time from the

469
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,399
Speaker 1: time we sat to the time they found him past,

470
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 1: but it could be anywhere from three minutes to thirty five.

471
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:29,920
Speaker 1: I really don't know. Um. But eventually they find them.

472
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:32,040
Speaker 1: They call my mom over, and so my brother and

473
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,760
Speaker 1: I remain seated. My mom goes over. She speaks to him,

474
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 1: and I could just see her and she just rests

475
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,119
Speaker 1: her head, like her head just drops, and then she

476
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:42,159
Speaker 1: turns around. And then I'm, like I mentioned, I had

477
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:45,480
Speaker 1: already known before we even left looking for him. Um,

478
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,840
Speaker 1: but you know, you always leave that little peak of hope.

479
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,840
Speaker 1: And so my mom walks over, and you know, she

480
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,760
Speaker 1: looks at us and doesn't see anything, and then we

481
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 1: just she just starts crying, and then we start crying,

482
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:01,280
Speaker 1: and then I passed out and then I wake up

483
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 1: and I'm in the back of an ambulance and then

484
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:09,720
Speaker 1: I remember getting my brother's car and driving home. How

485
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:13,160
Speaker 1: do you do How did this affect your brother? Mm hmmm,

486
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:20,560
Speaker 1: especially being yeah, ah yeah, So I didn't even realize

487
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,879
Speaker 1: how much it affected my brother, would say until relatively recent.

488
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,760
Speaker 1: He's older, so he's four years older than me, so

489
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,520
Speaker 1: I was just about to be fourteen, So he had

490
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:36,000
Speaker 1: just turned eighteen. Yes, he had just turned eighteen. Yeah,

491
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:41,040
Speaker 1: I just went away to college. Um. I mean he

492
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,680
Speaker 1: had to become the man of the house at eighteen, um,

493
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:47,360
Speaker 1: and he had to take on roles that he shouldn't

494
00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:50,760
Speaker 1: have had to take on, right. Um, and then he

495
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:54,359
Speaker 1: kind of had to become like a dad brother to me.

496
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,920
Speaker 1: You know. He he went from just being my older

497
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,760
Speaker 1: brother to now taking me to practice and helping me

498
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:03,880
Speaker 1: with math and guiding me and you know, being what

499
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:06,000
Speaker 1: my dad should have been during my you know, high

500
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 1: school years. Um. So he has always been extremely responsible

501
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,159
Speaker 1: even before this everything happened, but it was like the

502
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:18,280
Speaker 1: aged from eighteen to forty in twenty four hours. Um.

503
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:22,199
Speaker 1: Only do you all talk about things now? Like yeah,

504
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,520
Speaker 1: and I see how it affects I don't. I mean,

505
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,320
Speaker 1: he goes through therapy, so I'm sure he's worked through

506
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:32,440
Speaker 1: a lot of his you know, feelings and things like that.

507
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,639
Speaker 1: But I think now when I look at it, I

508
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,720
Speaker 1: just I feel sadness because at one time, it was

509
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: just like all you can think of is my feelings.

510
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,040
Speaker 1: I lost my dad. I'm feeling this way. I'm his

511
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,760
Speaker 1: little girl, I'm the baby, and I wasn't really thinking

512
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:46,439
Speaker 1: about my mom and my brother and what they were

513
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,920
Speaker 1: also going through at the time. And then I'm thinking, now,

514
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:52,320
Speaker 1: you know, my brother losing his dad where my dad

515
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:56,520
Speaker 1: was my birth like my brother superhero, you know, and

516
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,159
Speaker 1: to no longer have his dad and his life and

517
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:04,680
Speaker 1: to you know how important black fathers are too sons

518
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,840
Speaker 1: and you know fathers are important to son's period. But

519
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:11,000
Speaker 1: just you understand the need for black boys and sons lives.

520
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:15,800
Speaker 1: So yeah, he it was really tough on him. But

521
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:19,119
Speaker 1: what about no, no, no finish? Now what about your

522
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,000
Speaker 1: mom because I think just only imagine now she has

523
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 1: to hold the family together, but she's also worn in

524
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 1: the loss of her husband. She had to just go

525
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:34,879
Speaker 1: to work, you know, she had to she could didn't

526
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:39,520
Speaker 1: get the time, I think to fully moren my dad

527
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:41,360
Speaker 1: because it was like, okay, but bill has got to

528
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 1: be paid. I still have to work, you know, I

529
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:46,680
Speaker 1: still I still have to keep a roof over their heads,

530
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:51,480
Speaker 1: you know. Um, So there was no real morning, I'll

531
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:53,479
Speaker 1: be honest. You know, within our family, at least, there

532
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,320
Speaker 1: was no morning together because my mom was working two

533
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:59,120
Speaker 1: jobs right am two pm. I would rarely see her,

534
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,240
Speaker 1: and my brother was still in college, so he was

535
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:03,600
Speaker 1: kind of gone, you know, all the time, and then

536
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,720
Speaker 1: here's me still in school. So we weren't really around

537
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 1: each other a lot during that process, and so there

538
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:15,600
Speaker 1: was a there was a break in our healing together. Um.

539
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,120
Speaker 1: So yeah, So do your mom talked about it now?

540
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:22,280
Speaker 1: Now that she's a little bit older, and I do

541
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:23,959
Speaker 1: you think she ever got a chance to like just

542
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:31,240
Speaker 1: sit down and just breathe? Good question. Um. I think

543
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 1: maybe now would be her time, because she's in her sixties,

544
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:40,760
Speaker 1: her early sixties. Um, I think this would be her

545
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:44,440
Speaker 1: her maybe breathe moment. But I don't think she's ever

546
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 1: had that full kind of just break. It's just been breaths.

547
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:54,000
Speaker 1: It hasn't been lengths of time that you would need

548
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:57,800
Speaker 1: to get over something like that. Um. But you know,

549
00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:00,360
Speaker 1: I'm hoping in the next few years, when she re fires,

550
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,520
Speaker 1: she can finally get that break, you know. I mean,

551
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,560
Speaker 1: I wish it would have happened much earlier than this,

552
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:09,040
Speaker 1: but you know, I'm hoping, you know, within the next

553
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 1: few years she'll get wish she needs to kind of

554
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:16,720
Speaker 1: really mourn it. And what about the what about the

555
00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:18,960
Speaker 1: rest of the family. Do you think that your immediate

556
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:21,120
Speaker 1: family did the best they could with helping your family

557
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:25,480
Speaker 1: recover from his suicide or was it just y'all? Um?

558
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 1: I would say my aunt, my aunt helped UM. But

559
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:35,600
Speaker 1: M I mean, I don't know what what should be done.

560
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,240
Speaker 1: I don't like to think of like they could have

561
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:39,800
Speaker 1: done more, you know, like I think everybody did what

562
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:43,720
Speaker 1: they could. UM with the situation. I would have liked

563
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,960
Speaker 1: to probably get some more help from some family members,

564
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:50,000
Speaker 1: you know, being that I was literally a child and

565
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,920
Speaker 1: I and I was home alone all the time, and

566
00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:56,280
Speaker 1: you know, so I wish I would have maybe had

567
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:59,840
Speaker 1: some more more help. But I also don't think about

568
00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:02,000
Speaker 1: the like I you know, I mentioned it. Everyone just

569
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:04,920
Speaker 1: play their role that they could and did their best,

570
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:08,720
Speaker 1: and I can just say thank you for what you

571
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:13,040
Speaker 1: to do when you could, right. And what about your grandparents?

572
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:17,160
Speaker 1: Were they around? My grandparents and my grandpa had passed away,

573
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:20,240
Speaker 1: which is my dad's dad. My paternal grandfather passed away

574
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:24,280
Speaker 1: before my dad, and then my grandmother passed away relatively

575
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 1: recent two years ago. UM. She lived in Fort Lauderdale,

576
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:31,840
Speaker 1: so we didn't really see her very often, and we

577
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:36,360
Speaker 1: weren't very close. My um dad's mom and I weren't

578
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:38,760
Speaker 1: extremely close. And maybe that was part of distance, but

579
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,920
Speaker 1: also just culturally we're Jamaican, so I don't I don't know,

580
00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:48,800
Speaker 1: like you know, I'm not sure. Yeah. Yeah, So again,

581
00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:52,440
Speaker 1: my grandma generation doesn't talk about death. You know, it's

582
00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:54,440
Speaker 1: kind of just like a you just deal with it

583
00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:57,640
Speaker 1: kind of thing. You don't like healed together. So I

584
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:00,200
Speaker 1: think that was partly the reason. The other thing was,

585
00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:02,480
Speaker 1: you know, it was her only son, So I don't

586
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,760
Speaker 1: know if she ever fully recovered. No, I know she

587
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,000
Speaker 1: didn't ever fully corver. And I know that she, UM

588
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:12,560
Speaker 1: probably just didn't know how to talk with about that situation.

589
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 1: With me and with my brother. UM. And then my grandma,

590
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:20,040
Speaker 1: my mom's mom, my maternal mother, mym maternal grandmother, she

591
00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:24,080
Speaker 1: and I were much closer, UM, and you know we

592
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:27,480
Speaker 1: would talk about it sometimes, you know, UM, but it

593
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:31,320
Speaker 1: wouldn't be it wouldn't be like in depth conversations. But

594
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,120
Speaker 1: that's also because of me. I didn't really want to

595
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,160
Speaker 1: have it. I wasn't ready, I didn't know what to say.

596
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:37,480
Speaker 1: I would just end up crying or shutting off or

597
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 1: doing both. Um. So yeah, we and then my my

598
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:46,280
Speaker 1: grandfather on my mom's side I've never met, so yeah,

599
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 1: there wasn't really much unfortunately with my two grandma's much

600
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,480
Speaker 1: healing with that either. So, if you do have kids,

601
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,680
Speaker 1: or if you decide to have kids, how do you

602
00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:59,800
Speaker 1: plan to talk to your kids about suicide? Like, what

603
00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,680
Speaker 1: do you think is because you experience it as a

604
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:04,720
Speaker 1: as a young girl, what do you think it is

605
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:07,520
Speaker 1: an appropriate age to start having these conversation with children?

606
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:10,840
Speaker 1: Good question. I haven't even decided if I want to

607
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:13,480
Speaker 1: have kids yet, and part of that is because of

608
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,840
Speaker 1: the trauma that I went through. And um, and that's

609
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:19,760
Speaker 1: something that I'm working with through my therapist now. I

610
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 1: go to therapy once a week on zoom. Um, she's great.

611
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:26,880
Speaker 1: And that's something that we talked about because I don't

612
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:29,320
Speaker 1: know if I want to have kids. And your question,

613
00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:32,760
Speaker 1: what age when that child is ready? Because each kid

614
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,720
Speaker 1: is different, right, Like my brother could have been taught

615
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:38,960
Speaker 1: My brother could have learned about suicide, probably much younger

616
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:41,040
Speaker 1: than I would have learned about suicide. So I would

617
00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:44,520
Speaker 1: say it depends on that child's ability to handle something

618
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:47,080
Speaker 1: like that. Um. I don't like to put an age

619
00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:53,000
Speaker 1: on something that's so serious, right, Um. So yeah, and

620
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:55,480
Speaker 1: and with the kids, I mean, it's something that I'm

621
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:57,680
Speaker 1: working through, like I mentioned with, you know, going through

622
00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,800
Speaker 1: therapy because I don't want to not have kids out

623
00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:04,960
Speaker 1: of fear of my trauma. You know, Like I think

624
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,680
Speaker 1: a big part of me not wanting kids because like

625
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:08,360
Speaker 1: I never want my child to go through what I

626
00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:10,719
Speaker 1: went through. What I went through is traumatic. I never

627
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:16,279
Speaker 1: want to be up like, oh, I can't even imagine,

628
00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:21,440
Speaker 1: Like it's so sad, so many different aspects. Yeah, I know, right,

629
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 1: look back and I already been able to be a

630
00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:27,400
Speaker 1: third and normal thirteen year old, but you know that

631
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:31,920
Speaker 1: wasn't in my plan and you know, so yeah, I

632
00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:36,000
Speaker 1: would be open with them. Um, I just completely lost

633
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:41,919
Speaker 1: my train, my train you mentioned something, Oh the kids? Sorry, okay, Um, yeah,

634
00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:44,000
Speaker 1: I don't know if I want to have kids, and

635
00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:49,080
Speaker 1: I'm still deciding if it's something that I really don't want,

636
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,080
Speaker 1: you know, because some women just don't want to have kids,

637
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:54,160
Speaker 1: Like hey, that's wrong with that, right, And I support

638
00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,440
Speaker 1: women controlling their bodies and doing what they want with

639
00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,080
Speaker 1: their bodies. But I also want to make sure do

640
00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:02,799
Speaker 1: I not want kid because I'm afraid that I will

641
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:07,600
Speaker 1: something traumatic would happen to them, or like something will

642
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:09,399
Speaker 1: happen to them and then I have to relive another

643
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:11,640
Speaker 1: trauma losing a kid or you know, like God forbid something,

644
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:14,440
Speaker 1: you know, like I just don't want another being to

645
00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:16,080
Speaker 1: come into this world and have to go through a

646
00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:21,000
Speaker 1: traumatic experience. Right, So I'm still deciding which of those

647
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:25,360
Speaker 1: two are the one that is, you know, weighing heavily

648
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:30,000
Speaker 1: on that decision. All Right, did your dad pass and

649
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,839
Speaker 1: teach you anything? Come? Pass? In no way? Passing. Did

650
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:37,879
Speaker 1: my dad's passing teach me anything? Yeah, taught me that

651
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:41,440
Speaker 1: I have to be happy in my life. Um, I

652
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:44,480
Speaker 1: know depression is not a choice, especially clinical depression, and

653
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:47,719
Speaker 1: which is why I know I suffer some from some

654
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:50,680
Speaker 1: from mild depression. And I also suffer from anxiety. And

655
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:53,400
Speaker 1: it's something that I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but

656
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,320
Speaker 1: I have been diagnosed diagnosed with anxiety. Um, but I

657
00:35:56,760 --> 00:36:01,359
Speaker 1: know that I go through bouts of extreme sadness and

658
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:03,000
Speaker 1: I know it runs in my family. But I do

659
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:06,120
Speaker 1: need to be diagnosed to actually say that. So I

660
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:10,839
Speaker 1: do suffer from anxiety. And watching my dad kind of

661
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,640
Speaker 1: just become a shell of himself for the last you know,

662
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:16,719
Speaker 1: a couple of few years of his life. Um, I

663
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:20,560
Speaker 1: just don't want to do things that make me unhappy.

664
00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:23,600
Speaker 1: You know, I want to live on this earth as

665
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:28,200
Speaker 1: freely and as happily as I can, and to nourish

666
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:32,640
Speaker 1: my body with all the things that make my soul smile,

667
00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:36,480
Speaker 1: because it can be very easy to slip into that

668
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:40,440
Speaker 1: state of like sorrow and sadness and you know, all

669
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:42,680
Speaker 1: those things. And because I don't think I'm clinically depressed,

670
00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:44,520
Speaker 1: I don't know. I know, I just go through kind

671
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:47,800
Speaker 1: of um, what's the other other one's seasonal depression or

672
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:52,520
Speaker 1: you know, like situational compression, which is very common. But

673
00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:54,399
Speaker 1: I know part of the reason that I go through

674
00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:57,920
Speaker 1: those is when I'm in situations where I'm suffering in

675
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:00,600
Speaker 1: high stress levels or I'm doing something that I don't

676
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:03,160
Speaker 1: want like to do, where I'm just like or going

677
00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:05,600
Speaker 1: to a nine to five that I despise. It puts

678
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:10,560
Speaker 1: me into a state of like complete sadness. So I

679
00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:13,160
Speaker 1: know when I get to these places where I feel

680
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:15,960
Speaker 1: just like there's just I'm doing like the regular I'm

681
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:18,160
Speaker 1: waking up and just kind of going day by day

682
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:20,760
Speaker 1: and not living, it's something that I have to change.

683
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:23,719
Speaker 1: So after my dad, you know, took his life, I

684
00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:25,360
Speaker 1: just realized I want to live my life happy. I

685
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:29,360
Speaker 1: want to do things that make me happy, and you know,

686
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:30,960
Speaker 1: I try to do my best to be a good

687
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,920
Speaker 1: person because even though my dad, you know, was sad,

688
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,799
Speaker 1: and my dad was depressed and you know he kind

689
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:38,880
Speaker 1: of withdrew himself, my dad was such a good person.

690
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:41,080
Speaker 1: You know. Anytime any of his friends or any of

691
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:43,239
Speaker 1: my family members would speak about him, they always said,

692
00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:46,160
Speaker 1: how David was, you know, all for his family and friends.

693
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:48,279
Speaker 1: He did anything that he could, you know, like give

694
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,200
Speaker 1: the shirt off his back if he could write. And

695
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 1: so that's also something he taught me, like be a

696
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:57,360
Speaker 1: good person, don't be a shitty person, love people around

697
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,879
Speaker 1: you for as much as you can give. And yeah,

698
00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:03,120
Speaker 1: that's one of the many things I would say his

699
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:07,040
Speaker 1: passing taught me. So when did you forgive your father?

700
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 1: If you have, and if you did, what did that forgiveness?

701
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:15,080
Speaker 1: Look like? I don't know exactly when I forgive him?

702
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:17,240
Speaker 1: And I also, again, I think I to be honest,

703
00:38:17,239 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: I think I go through phases. I don't think I'm

704
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:23,359
Speaker 1: like angry at him anymore. I'm not like why did

705
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:25,200
Speaker 1: you leave us? But I just go through points of

706
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:29,279
Speaker 1: like today, I actually was looking because I have to

707
00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:32,120
Speaker 1: get a new license um soon, because I'm no longer

708
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:34,160
Speaker 1: living in Florida, and you know, in order to get

709
00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:35,600
Speaker 1: a new license, you have to get you know, like

710
00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:37,960
Speaker 1: your birth certificate all that stuff. And so I saw

711
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:40,359
Speaker 1: my birth certificate and I saw my dad's name, and

712
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:42,759
Speaker 1: it was just like, you know, and then I right

713
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:44,719
Speaker 1: under the birth certificate were like old pictures of my

714
00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:47,040
Speaker 1: dad and I when I was younger, and so I

715
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,520
Speaker 1: was just like, man, I'm not angry. I'm just sad,

716
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:51,680
Speaker 1: you know, And I'm sad that I wasn't able to,

717
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:55,600
Speaker 1: you know, go through my life experiencing things with you

718
00:38:55,800 --> 00:39:00,319
Speaker 1: and you know, like go through certain places and think

719
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:02,399
Speaker 1: that you would enjoy this and we would have loved

720
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:04,920
Speaker 1: to do this together, you know. So I don't know what.

721
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:07,719
Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever like, I don't think I

722
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:11,360
Speaker 1: can name. Okay, Yeah, this is when I stopped being angry,

723
00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:17,920
Speaker 1: because I think my anger just transformed into sadness. All right, Yeah, Whaters,

724
00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:21,000
Speaker 1: the advice you would give to our listeners who either

725
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:26,240
Speaker 1: recently or previously lost a parents and suicide, my advice

726
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:31,359
Speaker 1: to you is, when I'm so tremendously sorry that you're

727
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:36,279
Speaker 1: going through this because I know it's and I know

728
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:39,560
Speaker 1: you are feeling a lot of feelings right now, or

729
00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:41,359
Speaker 1: maybe you're feeling nothing because I went through that too.

730
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:45,680
Speaker 1: Feeling numbness is also a feeling. Mm hmm. My advice

731
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:52,200
Speaker 1: to you would be one seek therapy because it's something

732
00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:55,040
Speaker 1: that I wish I would have done much sooner. Because

733
00:39:56,200 --> 00:40:00,440
Speaker 1: even if you think avoiding the conversation will make it away,

734
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:03,839
Speaker 1: it doesn't. Because I feel because I took so long

735
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:07,880
Speaker 1: to seek therapy, I'm still kind of mourning his death

736
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:10,920
Speaker 1: as if it happened maybe five years ago, because it

737
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,839
Speaker 1: took me so long to unpack my feelings. Right. So,

738
00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:17,719
Speaker 1: if not therapy, and I understand therapy may not be

739
00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:22,880
Speaker 1: financially accessible to you, seek a friend, a trusting friend.

740
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:26,879
Speaker 1: Seek if you're in school sometimes you know the counselors

741
00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:30,040
Speaker 1: are should be free to students, or you know, if

742
00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:32,160
Speaker 1: you're at a university, maybe they have a health care

743
00:40:32,239 --> 00:40:34,800
Speaker 1: or something that they do for the university. Seek someone

744
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:36,759
Speaker 1: that you can talk to because you need to put

745
00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,839
Speaker 1: what you're feeling out there to someone else that can

746
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:44,479
Speaker 1: help you interpret what this means and things like that.

747
00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:48,640
Speaker 1: Um My next advice would be to, like I mentioned,

748
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:54,439
Speaker 1: find things to make you take care of yourself, self care,

749
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:57,959
Speaker 1: whatever it is that you enjoy. Don't stop doing that now.

750
00:40:58,000 --> 00:40:59,840
Speaker 1: Clearly you're going to go through a time of mourning

751
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 1: and you're not gonna want to get up and do

752
00:41:01,239 --> 00:41:03,000
Speaker 1: the things you want to do. Yes, you need to

753
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:07,000
Speaker 1: take that time for yourself, but eventually, at some point

754
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:09,400
Speaker 1: you need to get up and you have to force yourself,

755
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:14,400
Speaker 1: literally force yourself. When my dad died, my cousin like

756
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:16,359
Speaker 1: told me I need to go to her go with

757
00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:19,400
Speaker 1: her to this like it's called football training, and I

758
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:20,919
Speaker 1: was like, I don't want to do it, and then

759
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:23,040
Speaker 1: she's like, okay, well when you're ready. And then one

760
00:41:23,080 --> 00:41:24,279
Speaker 1: day I was like, I'm going to just stay at

761
00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:26,319
Speaker 1: home and cry all day. So I forced myself to

762
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,440
Speaker 1: go to the training, and that was one of the

763
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:30,719
Speaker 1: best decisions I ever made, because, like I mentioned, that

764
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:33,080
Speaker 1: was where I met my best friend who also had

765
00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:35,600
Speaker 1: just lost her dad that same year, same month. Everything

766
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:40,480
Speaker 1: was crazy. So you never know what stepping outside of

767
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:43,000
Speaker 1: your sadness sometimes will do for you and do for

768
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:46,799
Speaker 1: your healing. So force yourself to do certain things that

769
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,080
Speaker 1: you know may make you smile even if it's just

770
00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 1: walking outside and go into a coffee shop just to

771
00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:54,399
Speaker 1: get outside of the house. And then I would say

772
00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:56,719
Speaker 1: my next thing would be diary. Write down some of

773
00:41:56,760 --> 00:42:01,319
Speaker 1: your feelings, write a letter, curse, send in music, just

774
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:04,080
Speaker 1: kind of do things to kind of get your anger out,

775
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:06,320
Speaker 1: and not just speaking to a therapist, but also writing

776
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:09,960
Speaker 1: it down because that writing also helps too. And if

777
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 1: you are spiritual or if you believe in a higher being,

778
00:42:13,719 --> 00:42:18,880
Speaker 1: if you're whatever religion you believe in, pray and really

779
00:42:18,920 --> 00:42:22,600
Speaker 1: hone in on that because what you're gonna what you're

780
00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:25,000
Speaker 1: going through and the journey you're going to forever beyond,

781
00:42:25,719 --> 00:42:28,920
Speaker 1: you're gonna need something to take you through this, beside

782
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:32,920
Speaker 1: yourself and besides other physical people. Um, without God, I

783
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:35,399
Speaker 1: would be honest, I don't know if I would have

784
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,920
Speaker 1: been able to get through my life the way I have,

785
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:40,799
Speaker 1: and not just even dealing with my dad, just get

786
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:46,280
Speaker 1: through life. Right. Yeah. Yeah, So it's like at times,

787
00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:49,440
Speaker 1: I know, you got to call on somebody stronger and

788
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:51,399
Speaker 1: bigger than you, got to get down and even if

789
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:55,040
Speaker 1: you don't know what to say, just start talking and

790
00:42:55,160 --> 00:43:00,440
Speaker 1: do that as frequently as you can, because events least

791
00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:04,399
Speaker 1: something we'll be talking back to and it will be

792
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:09,840
Speaker 1: very clear and you'll know maybe not what to do,

793
00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:12,960
Speaker 1: but the next step to take. So that would be

794
00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:18,680
Speaker 1: my advice and last and not leave. If there is

795
00:43:18,719 --> 00:43:20,600
Speaker 1: one thing that you would like to say to your father,

796
00:43:20,719 --> 00:43:24,319
Speaker 1: what would it be. I just talked to my dad

797
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 1: the other day too, So one thing I would want

798
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:34,400
Speaker 1: to say is, like I said, I'm not angry at you, daddy.

799
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:37,120
Speaker 1: I I've moved past my anger. I'm just really sad

800
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:40,400
Speaker 1: that you're not able to experience life with us. And

801
00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:43,040
Speaker 1: I have another niece on the way right. My dad

802
00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:47,719
Speaker 1: is a grandpa of two beautiful girls, Zora and soon

803
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:51,799
Speaker 1: to be Princess Nia, And I know you see them,

804
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,879
Speaker 1: but I really wish that we could have all been

805
00:43:54,920 --> 00:44:00,040
Speaker 1: able to experience their beauty in person. And I I

806
00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 1: am so glad that you chose my mom as your

807
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:08,320
Speaker 1: wife and mother of your kids, because in the midst

808
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:12,400
Speaker 1: of all of this craziness, you know, she was the

809
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 1: foundation that held us together and that kept us going

810
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:22,640
Speaker 1: even you know, after all, and you know, waking up

811
00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:25,040
Speaker 1: every morning every night going to work to make sure

812
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:28,640
Speaker 1: that we were provided for. And you would be so

813
00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:33,440
Speaker 1: proud of your son. He is an amazing man, but

814
00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:36,200
Speaker 1: you knew that already because even before he was eighteen,

815
00:44:36,239 --> 00:44:40,120
Speaker 1: he was acting like he was grown. Um, and he's

816
00:44:40,239 --> 00:44:44,319
Speaker 1: an amazing father, husband, and brother, son, all of the

817
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:47,120
Speaker 1: things that he was before. Like I think my dad

818
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:49,640
Speaker 1: knew who he was. I think everyone knew how my

819
00:44:49,680 --> 00:44:54,720
Speaker 1: brother was. But he's now a man, and I hope

820
00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:57,240
Speaker 1: that you go and visit him sometime soon in his dreams.

821
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:01,920
Speaker 1: And for me, I am happy that I got to

822
00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:05,799
Speaker 1: experience my first thirteen almost fourteen years with you. I'm

823
00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:09,080
Speaker 1: sad it wasn't more, but some people get none, so

824
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:14,720
Speaker 1: I'm blessed for that. And also, you know, I'm single.

825
00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:17,960
Speaker 1: So if there's a man out there that I already

826
00:45:18,040 --> 00:45:20,279
Speaker 1: vetted for, I need you to send it my way

827
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:23,360
Speaker 1: because I'm not getting younger. I am getting better looking,

828
00:45:23,400 --> 00:45:30,960
Speaker 1: but I'm not getting younger. So I need you, Grandma, Grandpa,

829
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:33,399
Speaker 1: all y'all to get together up there and UM figure

830
00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:36,319
Speaker 1: out who this man's is, okay, because these streets are

831
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:39,600
Speaker 1: not for me, okay, and UM Yeah, and that's it.

832
00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:43,120
Speaker 1: I love you and um one day we'll meet again

833
00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 1: in our spiritual form. Yeah, you almost got me about

834
00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:51,399
Speaker 1: the second name over here, about the trying Oh so beautiful. Man.

835
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:54,400
Speaker 1: I really do appreciate you coming on the show and

836
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:57,040
Speaker 1: just sharing your story because I can only imagine how

837
00:45:57,080 --> 00:46:00,719
Speaker 1: true gring can be and traumatic it is to really

838
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:03,480
Speaker 1: relive some of these things. I really do appreciate it.

839
00:46:03,760 --> 00:46:06,560
Speaker 1: No Emane, and again I thank you at the beginning,

840
00:46:06,560 --> 00:46:08,839
Speaker 1: but I want to sincerely thank you for reaching out

841
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:11,600
Speaker 1: to me. Um. This was therapeutic for me too. You know,

842
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:14,000
Speaker 1: I go to therapy, but to talk to someone different

843
00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:16,200
Speaker 1: and to just talk about my dad in this way

844
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:19,839
Speaker 1: and this and this this platform, it's helpful. And I

845
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:24,360
Speaker 1: thank you for the podcast. I wish nothing but success

846
00:46:24,440 --> 00:46:27,480
Speaker 1: on it. I will definitely promote it because it's amazing.

847
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:29,680
Speaker 1: What you're doing is amazing. And thank you for being

848
00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:32,680
Speaker 1: such a dope black woman and and doing the damn

849
00:46:32,680 --> 00:46:37,240
Speaker 1: thing and empowering other black women younger and older to

850
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:41,400
Speaker 1: follow their dreams and kill it. Oh, thank you, thank you,

851
00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:44,680
Speaker 1: thank you. Oh I have storry my cycle, so I'm

852
00:46:44,719 --> 00:46:50,400
Speaker 1: like really emotional and oh my god. Oh sorry listeners,

853
00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:54,640
Speaker 1: but I'm just like most space, it's a safe space.

854
00:46:57,320 --> 00:46:59,560
Speaker 1: But now I really do appreciate you to my listeners.

855
00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:02,960
Speaker 1: If I had any questions, comments or concerns, UM, please

856
00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:05,239
Speaker 1: email me a Hello at the PhD Podcast dot com

857
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 1: and I will definitely send them over to our guests.

858
00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:09,160
Speaker 1: And if he wouldn't respond if she had time, that

859
00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:12,239
Speaker 1: is on her. But as always, thank you so much

860
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:16,799
Speaker 1: and until next time everyone, Later I