WEBVTT - Reading Even More Of Ben Shapiro's Terrible Short Stories 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.120 Welcome to Worst Year Ever, A production of I Heart 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:22.320 Radio Together Everything, So don't just keep those eight balls 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:26.079 Nordland short short short in here here, Come on, it's 0:00:26.160 --> 0:00:30.960 lovely weather for some fentanyl together with you outside the 0:00:31.040 --> 0:00:36.400 blow is falling and it's all fentanyl too. We're all 0:00:36.600 --> 0:00:40.920 o ding together in stormy weather. Whoo hoo. How is 0:00:40.960 --> 0:00:46.159 that is that good again? Cody's gonna come back with 0:00:48.880 --> 0:00:51.400 I thought it was really good, Robert, I thought it 0:00:51.440 --> 0:00:54.200 was genius. I have been telling Cody for years. He 0:00:54.240 --> 0:00:56.959 needs to keep his emergency tambourine closer to the right. 0:00:57.440 --> 0:00:59.880 You know. We just finished to shoot the studios and 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:04.000 as I couldn't find it in time. I'm sorry, but no, 0:01:04.319 --> 0:01:08.800 that was that was a one time thing. Oh this 0:01:08.880 --> 0:01:12.199 is our Christmas episode. I guess this is dropping Christmas week, 0:01:12.920 --> 0:01:15.120 so like it's not a Christmas episode. You've got several 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:19.200 days till Christmas. This is your your podcast that you'll 0:01:19.200 --> 0:01:23.319 listen to, your sitting in that motherfucking traffic at the mall, 0:01:23.840 --> 0:01:25.720 trying to get the present that you didn't get when 0:01:25.760 --> 0:01:29.280 you should have or when you managed to like hide 0:01:29.319 --> 0:01:32.479 yourself in a bathroom at the house where your entire 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:35.959 extended family is hanging out and you're grabbing just twenty 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:40.040 minutes at a time of blissed, blessed, blessed peace. Um, 0:01:40.200 --> 0:01:43.920 we appreciate that you're spending that precious time with us 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:47.200 talking about Ben Shapiro's short stories. I hope that you're 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:50.920 hiding place is better than a bathroom. That's my wishes. 0:01:52.560 --> 0:01:56.400 I liked it at my parents house, like they before 0:01:56.440 --> 0:02:00.400 they redid it. They had like those old heater events, 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:02.720 those old ones where you flip on the switch in 0:02:02.760 --> 0:02:04.840 the bathroom and it heats it up real quick. I 0:02:04.880 --> 0:02:07.960 love hiding in the bathroom. I'd go upstairs with a 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:13.600 book and some pillows and cozy up in front of there. So, um, hide. 0:02:14.120 --> 0:02:15.880 If you're I hope if you're hiding in the bathroom 0:02:15.919 --> 0:02:20.000 that it's as pleasant as my parents. Or you're listening 0:02:20.040 --> 0:02:23.919 to this on speakers with your entire family in a 0:02:24.040 --> 0:02:27.880 room silently staring at each other. Yeah, that's that's what 0:02:28.000 --> 0:02:29.880 I hope. I hope it's the first time you've all 0:02:29.880 --> 0:02:32.880 been in a room in years, and in order to 0:02:32.919 --> 0:02:37.880 break the ice, h're all utterly silent listening to us 0:02:37.880 --> 0:02:41.639 talk about Ben Shipping. If anybody you get there out 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:44.919 of the family. This relates to everybody on this call. 0:02:45.000 --> 0:02:46.679 I saw this thing that was like shout out to 0:02:46.720 --> 0:02:49.200 all the millennials struggling to explain what they do to 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:54.640 a living to their relatives this holiday season. And amen, yeah, 0:02:54.720 --> 0:02:59.800 I mean I yeah, alright, because I think it's apparently 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:06.000 sense sometimes what we do. I do not think that 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:08.239 she's listened the whole time. I think it's a recent thing. 0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:12.280 But hello, anyway, that's not what we're here for. Hi, 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:17.240 mom um. I think a reasonable clear explanation of what 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:20.280 we do is we read What's Fair and Other short 0:03:20.360 --> 0:03:26.360 Stories by Ben Shapiro. Um, what's confusing about that? So, Cody, 0:03:26.440 --> 0:03:30.000 what's the title of today's short story? I'm imagining through 0:03:30.040 --> 0:03:32.800 half of it? By Ben Shapiro in his collection of 0:03:32.880 --> 0:03:40.080 short stories. Um, is I know? B low Blow? Sorry? 0:03:40.440 --> 0:03:45.839 Um uh this is called from the pit because he's 0:03:45.840 --> 0:03:51.480 not very I got it. Yeah, yeah, boys, didn't hear. 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:56.480 I loved it. I'm so sorry you guys two times 0:03:56.480 --> 0:04:00.680 two times, the second time times two time reference. Well, 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:10.680 it's of despair. Okay, it's really great with favorite movie? 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:16.920 Oh shut up, really no, no, it can't be my 0:04:17.080 --> 0:04:23.000 favorite movie's favorite movie. And now I'm sad. Everybody pick 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:26.320 a new one for Carrie Nights. No one else picks 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:30.560 Nights is their favorite movie. Yeah, but anyway from the 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:38.680 pit up, why it's hard. I had a can't Christmas 0:04:38.720 --> 0:04:41.680 movie experience the other day. I was this time of year, 0:04:41.680 --> 0:04:44.839 I will periodically search for random Christmas movies on Netflix, 0:04:45.279 --> 0:04:48.400 and I found there's a Christmas movie starring Joel McHale 0:04:48.520 --> 0:04:54.359 from Community, Jeff and Robin Williams, and it's It's the 0:04:54.480 --> 0:04:57.560 last movie I think that Robin Williams filmed before he died. 0:04:58.279 --> 0:05:00.440 Like they made like they made it that like August 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:03.320 or something. Um, and it is. I don't know. There's 0:05:03.320 --> 0:05:05.400 a scene where they try to decide how to dispose 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:08.880 of the body of a drifter. Um, it's it's fine, 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:11.640 it's fine. That doesn't sound like something that Robin Williams 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:15.240 would want to do. He's always a surly character in 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:21.559 this employ use Uh. He always an unemploying some member 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:23.440 of the on housed community on his films Youth. Well, 0:05:23.480 --> 0:05:26.960 they didn't purposefully hit the drifter, but anyway, whatever, But 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:31.880 I'll just real quick, if we're talking about Christmas movies, guys, 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:35.080 I'm in one I don't know where you would find it, 0:05:35.200 --> 0:05:37.560 but this is a really bad thing that I'm telling you. 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:41.039 I don't remember anything about it except that it's called Farewell, 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:44.600 Mr Kringle. I think I have to tiny little scenes 0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:50.200 with Christine what's her name? Ben's Diller's wife, Christine Taylor, 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:54.240 and Vivica Fox I believe is in it and am 0:05:54.320 --> 0:06:05.080 getting so I um, oh, you guys are looking cool cool. Yeah, 0:06:05.120 --> 0:06:08.520 they're probably around and Robert. I do not remember the plot. 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:11.960 I remember I had one day and I had just 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:17.960 adopted my cat Henry and what's her name, Christine Taylor 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:20.719 what's her name? She had to sit next to me. 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:22.880 I had to sit next to her. What she had 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:24.920 to sit next to me? And I just was talking 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:29.520 your ear off about my brand new kitten. And I 0:06:29.520 --> 0:06:33.240 remember her being like, she just kept leaving. And I 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:36.200 can see that in hindsight. Anyway, that's my day on 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:38.800 the plot of the movie is on a writing assignment 0:06:38.800 --> 0:06:41.600 in the quaint town of Mistletoe, a magazine journalist who 0:06:41.680 --> 0:06:44.600 long ago lost her Christmas spirit finds herself enchanted by 0:06:44.600 --> 0:06:48.479 an inspirational man who claims to be Santa Claus. Yeah, 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:50.680 it's a very dark movie that could have more or 0:06:50.760 --> 0:06:55.200 less the same plot. I'm her sister, her assistant, so okay, 0:06:55.480 --> 0:06:58.159 that makes sense. Well, okay, let's let's get onto the 0:06:58.160 --> 0:07:01.440 story story. I will be watching the tonight though, Katie 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:04.440 horrified obviously, you know what, It's far enough in the 0:07:04.480 --> 0:07:06.520 past that I can tell you about it and it 0:07:06.560 --> 0:07:10.800 can be a laugh instead of feature. I'm convinced Cody 0:07:10.920 --> 0:07:16.720 was in which which is what the extended cut off apocalypse? Now, 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:20.200 Oh yeah, he's definitely in that. I mean, Robert, see 0:07:20.200 --> 0:07:22.480 how this goes. I've got several bad movies that I've done, 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:26.760 but you just I'll ease you into it. I'm I'm, I'm, 0:07:26.800 --> 0:07:29.560 I'm particularly in the mood for bad Christmas movies. Right 0:07:29.920 --> 0:07:33.240 there you go, speaking of bad things. Yes, let's do 0:07:33.320 --> 0:07:36.760 this from the pit. From the pit, and I believe 0:07:37.760 --> 0:07:42.680 possible spoilers. This is his first foray into science fiction. Um, 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:46.120 so we're gonna get a little taste of his beliefs. 0:07:46.240 --> 0:07:48.800 How many how many? How many pages? How many pages? 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:52.960 Is it? This is uh twenty six pages and the 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:59.960 last one, last one was about was barely twenty Okay, 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:02.320 all right, here we go, let's do it. Let's get 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:08.840 in here from the pit. September nineteen Colon. I am 0:08:08.880 --> 0:08:11.040 now just five days and to wake up from the 0:08:11.160 --> 0:08:15.200 end of my term, and I'm still alive. It's lonely work. 0:08:15.400 --> 0:08:18.080 Ever since Phillips was killed. I didn't think i'd ever 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:21.320 say this, but I miss him. I don't really care 0:08:21.360 --> 0:08:26.440 for this character. Right. We're a sentence in whatever I 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:31.160 spent to day traversing the caverns very few crobes? Ye? 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:36.640 Wait a second, is that a sci fi turn like 0:08:36.679 --> 0:08:39.360 a crobe? Is he referring to microbes? Is that what 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:44.640 he's Probably that's probably the lingo of of uh, this environment, 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:48.200 you know, you know, like how sci fi words are 0:08:49.400 --> 0:08:57.000 bad sci fi think? Yeah, yeah, that's that's two sentences in. 0:08:57.120 --> 0:09:00.000 And I can already tell you this is copy paste 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:03.280 in tax and approach as the last one. But instead 0:09:03.360 --> 0:09:08.880 of doing folksy things like darn tooton or whatever the 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:11.080 ship he threw in the last one, he's gonna throw 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:17.360 in weird, really bad sci fi terms. Okay, that's my prediction. Okay, um, 0:09:17.440 --> 0:09:19.960 And then you know, like sci fi like you like, yeah, 0:09:20.000 --> 0:09:23.080 it's too early. There's gonna be some words where we're like, oh, 0:09:23.120 --> 0:09:25.480 what's that and then we find out and it all 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:28.840 sort of comes together. So no judgment yet, I mean 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:34.800 lots of judgment, but there is tremendous judgment. Okay, unlimited judgment. 0:09:34.880 --> 0:09:39.000 I spent today traversing the caverns. Very few crobes. We've 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:42.960 we've done a masterful job of taking them out. It's 0:09:42.960 --> 0:09:45.680 been weeks since the last wave of MIT's got Phillips. 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:50.400 I still remember the wave, Like giant, malevolent spiders. They're 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:57.920 scaly tentacles, reaching, squirming, their stench overpowering. Okay, Phillips firing 0:09:57.960 --> 0:10:02.040 his laser, but it's power source draw Philips stumbling backwards, 0:10:02.120 --> 0:10:05.120 Me firing, thinking of amy, And then the mite was 0:10:05.200 --> 0:10:08.360 on him, sucking him dry, stripping the skin from his 0:10:08.440 --> 0:10:14.720 muscles with its massive pincers. Philips screaming. That was one sentence. Um, okay, 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:20.559 new paragraph, but thinking about it makes me sick. New paragraph. 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:24.040 I never thought the territory could be so vast. Before 0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:27.920 the downsizing, the territory was no bigger than a large room. Now, 0:10:28.040 --> 0:10:32.760 of course, it seems vast. Miles upon miles of endless caverns, 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:36.120 followed by the drop off colon a cliff that feels 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:39.640 hundreds of feet high, plunging down into a soft forest 0:10:39.720 --> 0:10:46.760 of polyester. So it's vast. Apparently it's nearly seven o'clock. 0:10:47.160 --> 0:10:50.120 The light still burns above, but the climate is temperate. 0:10:50.559 --> 0:10:53.839 That's the good news about being an anti. At least 0:10:53.960 --> 0:11:00.440 capital an anti and anti like I am an anti, 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:08.319 I'm an capital a NT I yeah, okay, uh. At 0:11:08.360 --> 0:11:13.400 least the climate is always good Anti, but you kind 0:11:13.400 --> 0:11:16.680 of anti. Sounds like Anti, Katie. I'm sorry, I'll do Anti. 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:19.480 I'll do Anti. That's the good news about being an anti. 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:22.280 See how it sounds like an ant's eye. Okay, does 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:28.560 go back to your um? Okay, that's that's the good 0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:32.400 news about being an anti. At least the climate is 0:11:32.440 --> 0:11:36.319 always good. The power of indoor climate control. The whale 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:41.520 capital w The whale is rumbling above. His thunderous voice 0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:45.240 is overpowering. Does he ever shut up? He's working on 0:11:45.280 --> 0:11:48.640 a transnational trade again, something to do with steel and 0:11:48.760 --> 0:11:52.079 carbon manufacture. A stock trader could make a fortune by 0:11:52.120 --> 0:11:54.880 listening to him. But I'm just a simple guy. I 0:11:54.960 --> 0:11:59.520 just want to get home to Amy. Two years. That 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:03.720 was the length of that damnable contract. I though the 0:12:03.840 --> 0:12:11.120 money would be enough. I just ben sh up your 0:12:11.120 --> 0:12:15.520 own women. All of them are idealized women put on 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:18.480 a pedestal or some like. Was always about the guy, 0:12:18.559 --> 0:12:21.120 the rugger, rugged guy that wants to get home to 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:23.800 the woman or the woman that's on his mind, you 0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:26.000 know what I mean, the obsession with a woman. But 0:12:26.040 --> 0:12:29.280 they're never like either, like okay in true allegiance, never 0:12:29.320 --> 0:12:32.400 in the same room, you know, they're just like, they're 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:34.640 not characters, they're a prop. They're a woman. He doesn't 0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:36.559 want to be around them, he doesn't want to develop 0:12:36.559 --> 0:12:39.240 them in any capacity. And of course, in the last book, 0:12:39.679 --> 0:12:42.800 whatever that funk that was, any who had to point 0:12:42.840 --> 0:12:46.520 that out. Amy is her name. Amy is back home 0:12:46.600 --> 0:12:48.160 and I want to get to her, which is why 0:12:48.200 --> 0:12:51.040 I signed a contract for two years. Um. I actually 0:12:51.040 --> 0:12:55.119 have to read this sentence again because my brain inserted 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:59.839 words that were not there, because it's even worse than 0:13:01.320 --> 0:13:05.559 originally thought. Um so okay, two years that was the 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:14.480 length of that damnable contract. I though the money would enough, indeed, 0:13:14.559 --> 0:13:17.280 been I though the money would be enough to would 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:20.880 enough so easy to put the in. It's like like 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.440 you're instinctively just like, yeah, no, obviously the word be is. 0:13:25.120 --> 0:13:30.880 I though the money would enough been writing is like jazz, though, 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:33.480 you know, it's as much about the words that he 0:13:33.559 --> 0:13:38.920 doesn't to say I thought the money would be enough. Yeah, 0:13:39.040 --> 0:13:41.000 he absolutely meant I thought the money would be I 0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:42.720 thought the money would be He didn't read it a 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.600 second time, and so now it says I though the 0:13:45.640 --> 0:13:48.240 money would enough. What is Are you sure it's not 0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:51.040 supposed to be? I comma, though the money would be enough. 0:13:52.280 --> 0:13:58.840 I I'm still putting the be in. Well, yeah, exactly. Yeah. 0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:02.400 You you always try to make it vaguely competent, even 0:14:02.400 --> 0:14:04.680 in your just yeah. No, Like it's just like my 0:14:04.720 --> 0:14:08.640 brain is like, obviously, this is what he meant. Um. Also, like, 0:14:08.720 --> 0:14:12.160 that's not even like the finished sentence, because there's a dash. Yeah, 0:14:13.360 --> 0:14:15.520 what what else we got going on in that sentence? 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:20.960 It starts off with a banger, um, I though the 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:25.280 money would enough. Dash A guaranteed pension for life and 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:28.200 endless income, A nice house above the bay with the 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:31.560 wind blowing off the sea, amy in my arms, A 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:34.560 lot of commas there. Wow, that's not a sentence. That's 0:14:34.600 --> 0:14:38.800 not that's for sure, not a sentence, like even even 0:14:38.840 --> 0:14:42.120 if the first part was written correctly, that is not. Yeah, 0:14:42.280 --> 0:14:46.400 that's not there's that is not even particularly close to 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:50.080 a sentence. I mean, oftentimes it sounds like he's riding 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:52.720 and he's really high or something, you know, and like 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:59.760 not going back and looking at all, like missing much 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:01.320 like I was not paying attention when I read the 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:04.920 sentence more correctly. Maybe bends one of those writers who 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:08.040 thinks that in order to be great, you have to 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:10.920 write while drunk. And so he had a single thimble 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:21.800 of wine. Right, all right, okay, okay, um, all right, 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:27.680 where the fuck am I? This? Uh Amy in my arms? 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:31.760 She warned me against this. She was right, I was wrong. 0:15:33.080 --> 0:15:36.360 But now it's nearly over. The reversal process begins in 0:15:36.400 --> 0:15:38.880 two days. It took them three days to get me 0:15:38.960 --> 0:15:43.160 down to this size. Sem, It'll take three days the 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:48.720 other way too. Okay, they say it hurts, but at 0:15:48.760 --> 0:15:50.680 this point I wouldn't care if they had to skin 0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:54.240 me to get me home. The lights winked off. Now 0:15:54.840 --> 0:15:58.240 another day over, I'll pitch the halo and get some 0:15:58.280 --> 0:16:08.040 shut eye, like trying like he's just gonna tent ship. 0:16:08.320 --> 0:16:14.720 It's like a shelter. Yeah, okay, yeah stuff halo. Um 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:18.520 Also the lights winked off. Um, I guess but like 0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:24.320 it's fine, just like it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Traditionally, 0:16:24.360 --> 0:16:28.320 a wink is just like goes open. I'll buy it. 0:16:28.320 --> 0:16:31.920 Look it works, it's fine, it works well enough, well enough. 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:36.600 September twenty four days and to wake up. I hate 0:16:36.680 --> 0:16:38.720 hunting in the dark, but that's what I'll have to 0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:41.840 do today. It's Saturday, so there will be no light, 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:46.160 just the hurricane sound of the cleaning woman's vacuum. And 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:48.560 the mites are back. I could see a wave of 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:51.520 mites today from save them. I could see a wave 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:54.880 of mites today from inside my halo to them, I 0:16:54.960 --> 0:16:58.520 just looked like another crobe. I think you're coming from 0:16:58.560 --> 0:17:02.360 the ashtray. They've all loved the ashtray for an obsessive, 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:06.720 compulsive clean freak, the ultimate clean freak. The whales addiction 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:09.760 to cigarettes is a weird one, But then again, he 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:13.120 can afford the lung cleansing day after day, the wooshing 0:17:13.160 --> 0:17:17.440 that lifts the ash from his lungs. Okay, so lung 0:17:17.480 --> 0:17:25.040 cleansing in this world, all right on? Um? Yeah, okay, yeah, 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:27.600 you like you put like a suction cup or something 0:17:27.600 --> 0:17:30.080 over He's literally like sucking the ash out of his 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:33.560 lungs because that's how big thick cigarettes hurt you too 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:40.199 much ash in your lungs. That's right, that's what do 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:43.080 he thinks happen. He thinks that he thinks the cigarettes 0:17:43.119 --> 0:17:45.240 are bad because you fill your lungs up with ashes. 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:53.760 Oh that's not where the ashes go. Okay, all right. Also, 0:17:53.920 --> 0:17:55.199 this is I mean, this is the guy who like 0:17:55.640 --> 0:17:58.760 performatively like has his little cigar buddies and their leather 0:17:58.880 --> 0:18:04.560 chairs like right, like like I bet my co workers 0:18:04.600 --> 0:18:08.399 putting ash in their lung afterwards. Been just sucks the 0:18:08.440 --> 0:18:13.040 hooks the vacuum cleaner up to his throat and lives 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:16.720 confident in the knowledge that he's cured cancer. Like he 0:18:16.760 --> 0:18:21.199 can say tar like there's like it's just like basic 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:25.119 like like third or to be honest, it's a future thing. 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:27.280 Just say he was able to afford you know, the 0:18:27.320 --> 0:18:30.760 anti cancer treatments or whatever. Like we don't need an explanation, 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:33.680 like that's not what the story is about. I'll buy 0:18:33.760 --> 0:18:35.760 that in the future, rich people can just take a 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:38.600 pill to not get cancer. Like fine, you don't need 0:18:38.640 --> 0:18:44.520 to go into detail. Uh, well, good thing he doesn't. 0:18:45.000 --> 0:18:49.320 Well look well, no, but the thing is just enough 0:18:49.320 --> 0:18:52.800 to detail to derail the story because it makes no sense. 0:18:53.400 --> 0:18:56.879 But like in general, it's easier to get away with 0:18:56.960 --> 0:19:00.199 that stupid bullshit in this sci fi format of her 0:19:00.240 --> 0:19:03.040 because you you know, you're like, maybe they'll explain what 0:19:03.119 --> 0:19:06.159 that is later. He's not going to Everything that's a 0:19:06.280 --> 0:19:10.199 question mark isn't going to be addressed. It's all going 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:13.199 to be a confusing mess. Ultimately, there's no answers to 0:19:13.280 --> 0:19:17.840 this story right there, Like things of like forgivable things 0:19:17.880 --> 0:19:21.000 and like there's more. There's a a broader landscape in 0:19:21.000 --> 0:19:23.200 a sci fi world to do that kind of thing. 0:19:23.280 --> 0:19:25.760 But he won't, but like it won't help him. Yeah, 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:28.600 it's often, in fact great in sci fi to mention 0:19:28.720 --> 0:19:31.280 things that you don't necessarily explain, just to let them 0:19:31.280 --> 0:19:34.800 know you're there. It makes the world feel deeper. But Ben, Ben, 0:19:35.040 --> 0:19:37.600 I'm going to guess Ben fails to explain the things 0:19:37.640 --> 0:19:40.080 that we actually need explained, and that's what I mean, 0:19:40.160 --> 0:19:44.840 add unnecessary explanations for things he could have just breezed over. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 0:19:44.960 --> 0:19:49.000 prediction for Ben Shapiro, sci fi writer. Okay, I I 0:19:49.160 --> 0:19:53.600 support that prediction anyway. The wooshing lifts the ash from 0:19:53.600 --> 0:19:57.639 his lungs. I pop on my night vision goggles and 0:19:57.640 --> 0:20:00.480 put on my boots. Then I step outside the halo, 0:20:00.560 --> 0:20:03.760 which automatically deflates to fit in my gear bag. The 0:20:03.880 --> 0:20:08.320 last mite turns around a nearby corner. I follow. When 0:20:08.359 --> 0:20:10.760 I get to the ash tray, the final ashes are 0:20:10.760 --> 0:20:14.000 still smoldering from his cigarette. It looks like a gigantic 0:20:14.080 --> 0:20:16.760 white tower at an ankle. I've seen pictures of the 0:20:16.840 --> 0:20:19.960 leaning Tower of pizza. It's like that, but with the 0:20:19.960 --> 0:20:23.600 bottom end broken and trailing into black dust. A few 0:20:23.600 --> 0:20:26.600 sparks dance near the base. I mean, and again another 0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:28.800 unnecessary thing. We don't need you to say. You've seen 0:20:28.840 --> 0:20:34.160 pictures of the leading town. Describe the leaning tower, right, 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:36.160 you can evoke the Leading Tower of pieces without being 0:20:36.160 --> 0:20:38.160 like I've seen pictures and I boy, let me tell 0:20:38.160 --> 0:20:41.800 you it's kind of like that, except this way. You 0:20:41.840 --> 0:20:45.840 know what this thing's purposes. It's an ash tray, it's 0:20:45.840 --> 0:20:49.240 an it's just a cigarette. He's talking about aigarette, aigrette. Yeah, 0:20:51.119 --> 0:20:56.320 them though. I think I think he's hunting the mite 0:20:56.440 --> 0:21:04.719 for food, probably right, Yeah, to hide from the crobes. Yeah. Uh. 0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:07.760 The mites are all over the cigarette, all over it. 0:21:08.400 --> 0:21:10.879 To might seat cigarettes. I'm gonna I'm gonna look this up, 0:21:10.880 --> 0:21:13.200 will you please? You know what? You know what? You 0:21:13.280 --> 0:21:16.480 know what? We actually have to take a quick break. 0:21:18.280 --> 0:21:26.720 My sponsors, I know doesn't eat cigarettes for sure? Is 0:21:26.720 --> 0:21:44.120 our sponsors? Are you sure though? Wellgether everything. We're back. 0:21:44.800 --> 0:21:46.879 This is funny. I knew aspects of this because of 0:21:47.000 --> 0:21:49.520 the book that I wrote that talks heavily about nicotine, 0:21:49.640 --> 0:21:53.880 but uh so tobacco. If you're like, if you want 0:21:53.960 --> 0:21:55.639 something that will keep insects off of you, you can 0:21:55.680 --> 0:21:59.119 actually like rub like wild like tobacco on you like 0:21:59.200 --> 0:22:02.280 the oils on it, keep up insects and stuff. And 0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:05.840 I found an article talking about how it might be 0:22:06.080 --> 0:22:08.960 birds and cities may seek out cigarette buds because it 0:22:09.080 --> 0:22:12.240 keeps mites off of them. Um so there seems like 0:22:12.320 --> 0:22:16.440 they're repelled from cigarettes. Again, every single thing been could 0:22:16.480 --> 0:22:21.639 be wrong about he gets wrong. Just look it up, like, 0:22:22.040 --> 0:22:26.520 do do insects like? Do mites like tobacco? Something like that? 0:22:26.760 --> 0:22:28.879 Like a second? A second of work, that's all I 0:22:28.960 --> 0:22:32.520 put in a funny detail that a second and I 0:22:32.640 --> 0:22:37.359 found out that cigarettes keep mites away. This fact about 0:22:37.520 --> 0:22:45.040 mites is art. Yeah, Oh god, are incredible yeah, I 0:22:45.119 --> 0:22:48.040 mean there are there are like insects that eat tobacco. 0:22:48.119 --> 0:22:50.560 Please don't get me wrong, but they seem to be 0:22:50.640 --> 0:22:55.119 specific things that live in where tobacco is grown. Uh, 0:22:55.240 --> 0:22:59.080 they're like a type of flea flea beetles, a doult 0:22:59.119 --> 0:23:03.240 flea beetles. That's what seems to eat tobacco. Well, this 0:23:03.480 --> 0:23:07.800 passage doesn't say that adult flea beetles are beetles in 0:23:07.840 --> 0:23:11.440 this billionaire's house. Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna do 0:23:11.680 --> 0:23:14.320 do a quick word search for adult flea beetles. Nope. 0:23:15.080 --> 0:23:18.000 Um put in the typing sound after mites or something, 0:23:18.040 --> 0:23:19.879 which is probably different from the type of mites that 0:23:20.000 --> 0:23:23.080 those birds eat tobacco to keep away. But again, I 0:23:23.119 --> 0:23:26.760 don't think might seat tobacco. Doesn't matter, it's still funny, funny, 0:23:27.160 --> 0:23:29.800 the point being. The mites are all over the cigarette, 0:23:30.320 --> 0:23:32.919 all over it. They cover the top of the cigarette, 0:23:33.080 --> 0:23:35.879 swarm it, clawing at the chunks of the whale saliva. 0:23:36.560 --> 0:23:39.120 Best to get them now before they disperse and hide 0:23:39.160 --> 0:23:42.359 in the crevices of the desk. They're spit mites, m 0:23:46.240 --> 0:23:48.920 and so I climb. When you're at full size, a 0:23:48.960 --> 0:23:53.199 cigarette looks like a smooth precisely calibrated cylinder. Only when 0:23:53.240 --> 0:23:55.440 you're climbing one do you realize that it's full of 0:23:55.520 --> 0:23:59.600 footholds and hand holds. The mites are above me, but 0:23:59.720 --> 0:24:02.640 they haven't sensed me yet. I take out my hook 0:24:02.720 --> 0:24:05.000 from my belt and tear it into the cigarette wall 0:24:05.080 --> 0:24:08.639 with a satisfying thunk. Then I lash it through my 0:24:08.800 --> 0:24:12.359 belt and leaned back. The mites are silhouetted against the 0:24:12.440 --> 0:24:16.720 foam board ceiling. I have a clear shot. I take 0:24:16.760 --> 0:24:19.359 the first mite out with a single laser beam. Watch 0:24:19.440 --> 0:24:22.280 it plummet down the cigarette and smash into the table below, 0:24:22.600 --> 0:24:26.960 split in two. Before I have a chance to silently celebrate, though, 0:24:27.320 --> 0:24:30.359 the other mites dash, God, there have to be at 0:24:30.400 --> 0:24:34.040 least two hundred of them, dash, turn and face me. 0:24:34.920 --> 0:24:39.000 This is the moment where they're stunned. Moment when they're stunned. 0:24:39.359 --> 0:24:42.360 This is the moment where they're stunned before they realize 0:24:42.400 --> 0:24:45.400 what's happening. This is the moment for the laser grenade. 0:24:46.760 --> 0:24:49.919 I've done it a thousand times already, so many times 0:24:50.000 --> 0:24:53.440 that it's a matter of course, that's not how how you, 0:24:53.800 --> 0:24:57.159 that's not that's not right, that's not the right words. 0:24:58.880 --> 0:25:01.119 A matter of reflex that do it by reflex, Like 0:25:01.200 --> 0:25:03.080 I don't even like but it's not a matter of 0:25:03.200 --> 0:25:07.760 You would never describe automatically doing something as a matter 0:25:07.840 --> 0:25:10.439 of course like that, Like, it's just not the right 0:25:10.480 --> 0:25:16.000 way to say force of habit, force of habit. Um. Yeah, 0:25:16.119 --> 0:25:18.639 that's just not that's not how a human being uses 0:25:19.680 --> 0:25:23.040 But as a matter of course, the laser grenade, because 0:25:23.040 --> 0:25:26.560 I've done it so many times, but I haven't done 0:25:26.600 --> 0:25:30.399 it while hanging from a cigarette and in the dark alone. Um, 0:25:30.640 --> 0:25:33.119 I don't think it being dark is relevant because you 0:25:33.560 --> 0:25:36.240 specifically said that you put on night vision goggles. But whatever, 0:25:37.359 --> 0:25:40.040 I reached behind me into my gear bag searching for 0:25:40.119 --> 0:25:42.639 the grenade. Damn it. I should have thought of this 0:25:42.800 --> 0:25:46.400 before firing on the herd. They're climbing down toward me now. 0:25:46.680 --> 0:25:50.040 They're great bulky frames, picking up momentum as they plunge 0:25:50.160 --> 0:25:53.680 their claws into the body of the cigarette. What I 0:25:53.760 --> 0:25:55.720 can find the kind of mites that are likely to 0:25:55.760 --> 0:25:58.240 be in a house feed on like skin flakes and stuff, 0:25:58.320 --> 0:26:04.240 not saliva. But not Okay, Yeah again, everything he's and 0:26:04.320 --> 0:26:07.960 anytime he is specific about something, it's it's inevitably wrong. 0:26:08.359 --> 0:26:11.960 It's inevitably wrong if he if he goes out of 0:26:12.000 --> 0:26:16.040 his way to be specific, chances is incorrect. M Um. 0:26:16.280 --> 0:26:19.720 But you know they're they're covered in the crusted saliva 0:26:19.760 --> 0:26:23.399 of the whale, and their smell is overpowering. I wretch 0:26:23.880 --> 0:26:27.320 grasped deeper into my gear bag. My hand closes around 0:26:27.359 --> 0:26:30.720 the grenade, but now the herd is closing, closing in. 0:26:31.520 --> 0:26:33.720