Speaker 1: Welcome to Worst Year Ever, A production of I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio Together Everything, So don't just keep those eight balls
Speaker 1: Nordland short short short in here here, Come on, it's
Speaker 1: lovely weather for some fentanyl together with you outside the
Speaker 1: blow is falling and it's all fentanyl too. We're all
Speaker 1: o ding together in stormy weather. Whoo hoo. How is
Speaker 1: that is that good again? Cody's gonna come back with
Speaker 1: I thought it was really good, Robert, I thought it
Speaker 1: was genius. I have been telling Cody for years. He
Speaker 1: needs to keep his emergency tambourine closer to the right.
Speaker 1: You know. We just finished to shoot the studios and
Speaker 1: as I couldn't find it in time. I'm sorry, but no,
Speaker 1: that was that was a one time thing. Oh this
Speaker 1: is our Christmas episode. I guess this is dropping Christmas week,
Speaker 1: so like it's not a Christmas episode. You've got several
Speaker 1: days till Christmas. This is your your podcast that you'll
Speaker 1: listen to, your sitting in that motherfucking traffic at the mall,
Speaker 1: trying to get the present that you didn't get when
Speaker 1: you should have or when you managed to like hide
Speaker 1: yourself in a bathroom at the house where your entire
Speaker 1: extended family is hanging out and you're grabbing just twenty
Speaker 1: minutes at a time of blissed, blessed, blessed peace. Um,
Speaker 1: we appreciate that you're spending that precious time with us
Speaker 1: talking about Ben Shapiro's short stories. I hope that you're
Speaker 1: hiding place is better than a bathroom. That's my wishes.
Speaker 1: I liked it at my parents house, like they before
Speaker 1: they redid it. They had like those old heater events,
Speaker 1: those old ones where you flip on the switch in
Speaker 1: the bathroom and it heats it up real quick. I
Speaker 1: love hiding in the bathroom. I'd go upstairs with a
Speaker 1: book and some pillows and cozy up in front of there. So, um, hide.
Speaker 1: If you're I hope if you're hiding in the bathroom
Speaker 1: that it's as pleasant as my parents. Or you're listening
Speaker 1: to this on speakers with your entire family in a
Speaker 1: room silently staring at each other. Yeah, that's that's what
Speaker 1: I hope. I hope it's the first time you've all
Speaker 1: been in a room in years, and in order to
Speaker 1: break the ice, h're all utterly silent listening to us
Speaker 1: talk about Ben Shipping. If anybody you get there out
Speaker 1: of the family. This relates to everybody on this call.
Speaker 1: I saw this thing that was like shout out to
Speaker 1: all the millennials struggling to explain what they do to
Speaker 1: a living to their relatives this holiday season. And amen, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I yeah, alright, because I think it's apparently
Speaker 1: sense sometimes what we do. I do not think that
Speaker 1: she's listened the whole time. I think it's a recent thing.
Speaker 1: But hello, anyway, that's not what we're here for. Hi,
Speaker 1: mom um. I think a reasonable clear explanation of what
Speaker 1: we do is we read What's Fair and Other short
Speaker 1: Stories by Ben Shapiro. Um, what's confusing about that? So, Cody,
Speaker 1: what's the title of today's short story? I'm imagining through
Speaker 1: half of it? By Ben Shapiro in his collection of
Speaker 1: short stories. Um, is I know? B low Blow? Sorry?
Speaker 1: Um uh this is called from the pit because he's
Speaker 1: not very I got it. Yeah, yeah, boys, didn't hear.
Speaker 1: I loved it. I'm so sorry you guys two times
Speaker 1: two times, the second time times two time reference. Well,
Speaker 1: it's of despair. Okay, it's really great with favorite movie?
Speaker 1: Oh shut up, really no, no, it can't be my
Speaker 1: favorite movie's favorite movie. And now I'm sad. Everybody pick
Speaker 1: a new one for Carrie Nights. No one else picks
Speaker 1: Nights is their favorite movie. Yeah, but anyway from the
Speaker 1: pit up, why it's hard. I had a can't Christmas
Speaker 1: movie experience the other day. I was this time of year,
Speaker 1: I will periodically search for random Christmas movies on Netflix,
Speaker 1: and I found there's a Christmas movie starring Joel McHale
Speaker 1: from Community, Jeff and Robin Williams, and it's It's the
Speaker 1: last movie I think that Robin Williams filmed before he died.
Speaker 1: Like they made like they made it that like August
Speaker 1: or something. Um, and it is. I don't know. There's
Speaker 1: a scene where they try to decide how to dispose
Speaker 1: of the body of a drifter. Um, it's it's fine,
Speaker 1: it's fine. That doesn't sound like something that Robin Williams
Speaker 1: would want to do. He's always a surly character in
Speaker 1: this employ use Uh. He always an unemploying some member
Speaker 1: of the on housed community on his films Youth. Well,
Speaker 1: they didn't purposefully hit the drifter, but anyway, whatever, But
Speaker 1: I'll just real quick, if we're talking about Christmas movies, guys,
Speaker 1: I'm in one I don't know where you would find it,
Speaker 1: but this is a really bad thing that I'm telling you.
Speaker 1: I don't remember anything about it except that it's called Farewell,
Speaker 1: Mr Kringle. I think I have to tiny little scenes
Speaker 1: with Christine what's her name? Ben's Diller's wife, Christine Taylor,
Speaker 1: and Vivica Fox I believe is in it and am
Speaker 1: getting so I um, oh, you guys are looking cool cool. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're probably around and Robert. I do not remember the plot.
Speaker 1: I remember I had one day and I had just
Speaker 1: adopted my cat Henry and what's her name, Christine Taylor
Speaker 1: what's her name? She had to sit next to me.
Speaker 1: I had to sit next to her. What she had
Speaker 1: to sit next to me? And I just was talking
Speaker 1: your ear off about my brand new kitten. And I
Speaker 1: remember her being like, she just kept leaving. And I
Speaker 1: can see that in hindsight. Anyway, that's my day on
Speaker 1: the plot of the movie is on a writing assignment
Speaker 1: in the quaint town of Mistletoe, a magazine journalist who
Speaker 1: long ago lost her Christmas spirit finds herself enchanted by
Speaker 1: an inspirational man who claims to be Santa Claus. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a very dark movie that could have more or
Speaker 1: less the same plot. I'm her sister, her assistant, so okay,
Speaker 1: that makes sense. Well, okay, let's let's get onto the
Speaker 1: story story. I will be watching the tonight though, Katie
Speaker 1: horrified obviously, you know what, It's far enough in the
Speaker 1: past that I can tell you about it and it
Speaker 1: can be a laugh instead of feature. I'm convinced Cody
Speaker 1: was in which which is what the extended cut off apocalypse? Now,
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, he's definitely in that. I mean, Robert, see
Speaker 1: how this goes. I've got several bad movies that I've done,
Speaker 1: but you just I'll ease you into it. I'm I'm, I'm,
Speaker 1: I'm particularly in the mood for bad Christmas movies. Right
Speaker 1: there you go, speaking of bad things. Yes, let's do
Speaker 1: this from the pit. From the pit, and I believe
Speaker 1: possible spoilers. This is his first foray into science fiction. Um,
Speaker 1: so we're gonna get a little taste of his beliefs.
Speaker 1: How many how many? How many pages? How many pages?
Speaker 1: Is it? This is uh twenty six pages and the
Speaker 1: last one, last one was about was barely twenty Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, here we go, let's do it. Let's get
Speaker 1: in here from the pit. September nineteen Colon. I am
Speaker 1: now just five days and to wake up from the
Speaker 1: end of my term, and I'm still alive. It's lonely work.
Speaker 1: Ever since Phillips was killed. I didn't think i'd ever
Speaker 1: say this, but I miss him. I don't really care
Speaker 1: for this character. Right. We're a sentence in whatever I
Speaker 1: spent to day traversing the caverns very few crobes? Ye?
Speaker 1: Wait a second, is that a sci fi turn like
Speaker 1: a crobe? Is he referring to microbes? Is that what
Speaker 1: he's Probably that's probably the lingo of of uh, this environment,
Speaker 1: you know, you know, like how sci fi words are
Speaker 1: bad sci fi think? Yeah, yeah, that's that's two sentences in.
Speaker 1: And I can already tell you this is copy paste
Speaker 1: in tax and approach as the last one. But instead
Speaker 1: of doing folksy things like darn tooton or whatever the
Speaker 1: ship he threw in the last one, he's gonna throw
Speaker 1: in weird, really bad sci fi terms. Okay, that's my prediction. Okay, um,
Speaker 1: And then you know, like sci fi like you like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's too early. There's gonna be some words where we're like, oh,
Speaker 1: what's that and then we find out and it all
Speaker 1: sort of comes together. So no judgment yet, I mean
Speaker 1: lots of judgment, but there is tremendous judgment. Okay, unlimited judgment.
Speaker 1: I spent today traversing the caverns. Very few crobes. We've
Speaker 1: we've done a masterful job of taking them out. It's
Speaker 1: been weeks since the last wave of MIT's got Phillips.
Speaker 1: I still remember the wave, Like giant, malevolent spiders. They're
Speaker 1: scaly tentacles, reaching, squirming, their stench overpowering. Okay, Phillips firing
Speaker 1: his laser, but it's power source draw Philips stumbling backwards,
Speaker 1: Me firing, thinking of amy, And then the mite was
Speaker 1: on him, sucking him dry, stripping the skin from his
Speaker 1: muscles with its massive pincers. Philips screaming. That was one sentence. Um, okay,
Speaker 1: new paragraph, but thinking about it makes me sick. New paragraph.
Speaker 1: I never thought the territory could be so vast. Before
Speaker 1: the downsizing, the territory was no bigger than a large room. Now,
Speaker 1: of course, it seems vast. Miles upon miles of endless caverns,
Speaker 1: followed by the drop off colon a cliff that feels
Speaker 1: hundreds of feet high, plunging down into a soft forest
Speaker 1: of polyester. So it's vast. Apparently it's nearly seven o'clock.
Speaker 1: The light still burns above, but the climate is temperate.
Speaker 1: That's the good news about being an anti. At least
Speaker 1: capital an anti and anti like I am an anti,
Speaker 1: I'm an capital a NT I yeah, okay, uh. At
Speaker 1: least the climate is always good Anti, but you kind
Speaker 1: of anti. Sounds like Anti, Katie. I'm sorry, I'll do Anti.
Speaker 1: I'll do Anti. That's the good news about being an anti.
Speaker 1: See how it sounds like an ant's eye. Okay, does
Speaker 1: go back to your um? Okay, that's that's the good
Speaker 1: news about being an anti. At least the climate is
Speaker 1: always good. The power of indoor climate control. The whale
Speaker 1: capital w The whale is rumbling above. His thunderous voice
Speaker 1: is overpowering. Does he ever shut up? He's working on
Speaker 1: a transnational trade again, something to do with steel and
Speaker 1: carbon manufacture. A stock trader could make a fortune by
Speaker 1: listening to him. But I'm just a simple guy. I
Speaker 1: just want to get home to Amy. Two years. That
Speaker 1: was the length of that damnable contract. I though the
Speaker 1: money would be enough. I just ben sh up your
Speaker 1: own women. All of them are idealized women put on
Speaker 1: a pedestal or some like. Was always about the guy,
Speaker 1: the rugger, rugged guy that wants to get home to
Speaker 1: the woman or the woman that's on his mind, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, the obsession with a woman. But
Speaker 1: they're never like either, like okay in true allegiance, never
Speaker 1: in the same room, you know, they're just like, they're
Speaker 1: not characters, they're a prop. They're a woman. He doesn't
Speaker 1: want to be around them, he doesn't want to develop
Speaker 1: them in any capacity. And of course, in the last book,
Speaker 1: whatever that funk that was, any who had to point
Speaker 1: that out. Amy is her name. Amy is back home
Speaker 1: and I want to get to her, which is why
Speaker 1: I signed a contract for two years. Um. I actually
Speaker 1: have to read this sentence again because my brain inserted
Speaker 1: words that were not there, because it's even worse than
Speaker 1: originally thought. Um so okay, two years that was the
Speaker 1: length of that damnable contract. I though the money would enough, indeed,
Speaker 1: been I though the money would be enough to would
Speaker 1: enough so easy to put the in. It's like like
Speaker 1: you're instinctively just like, yeah, no, obviously the word be is.
Speaker 1: I though the money would enough been writing is like jazz, though,
Speaker 1: you know, it's as much about the words that he
Speaker 1: doesn't to say I thought the money would be enough. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he absolutely meant I thought the money would be I
Speaker 1: thought the money would be He didn't read it a
Speaker 1: second time, and so now it says I though the
Speaker 1: money would enough. What is Are you sure it's not
Speaker 1: supposed to be? I comma, though the money would be enough.
Speaker 1: I I'm still putting the be in. Well, yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Speaker 1: You you always try to make it vaguely competent, even
Speaker 1: in your just yeah. No, Like it's just like my
Speaker 1: brain is like, obviously, this is what he meant. Um. Also, like,
Speaker 1: that's not even like the finished sentence, because there's a dash. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what what else we got going on in that sentence?
Speaker 1: It starts off with a banger, um, I though the
Speaker 1: money would enough. Dash A guaranteed pension for life and
Speaker 1: endless income, A nice house above the bay with the
Speaker 1: wind blowing off the sea, amy in my arms, A
Speaker 1: lot of commas there. Wow, that's not a sentence. That's
Speaker 1: not that's for sure, not a sentence, like even even
Speaker 1: if the first part was written correctly, that is not. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's not there's that is not even particularly close to
Speaker 1: a sentence. I mean, oftentimes it sounds like he's riding
Speaker 1: and he's really high or something, you know, and like
Speaker 1: not going back and looking at all, like missing much
Speaker 1: like I was not paying attention when I read the
Speaker 1: sentence more correctly. Maybe bends one of those writers who
Speaker 1: thinks that in order to be great, you have to
Speaker 1: write while drunk. And so he had a single thimble
Speaker 1: of wine. Right, all right, okay, okay, um, all right,
Speaker 1: where the fuck am I? This? Uh Amy in my arms?
Speaker 1: She warned me against this. She was right, I was wrong.
Speaker 1: But now it's nearly over. The reversal process begins in
Speaker 1: two days. It took them three days to get me
Speaker 1: down to this size. Sem, It'll take three days the
Speaker 1: other way too. Okay, they say it hurts, but at
Speaker 1: this point I wouldn't care if they had to skin
Speaker 1: me to get me home. The lights winked off. Now
Speaker 1: another day over, I'll pitch the halo and get some
Speaker 1: shut eye, like trying like he's just gonna tent ship.
Speaker 1: It's like a shelter. Yeah, okay, yeah stuff halo. Um
Speaker 1: Also the lights winked off. Um, I guess but like
Speaker 1: it's fine, just like it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Traditionally,
Speaker 1: a wink is just like goes open. I'll buy it.
Speaker 1: Look it works, it's fine, it works well enough, well enough.
Speaker 1: September twenty four days and to wake up. I hate
Speaker 1: hunting in the dark, but that's what I'll have to
Speaker 1: do today. It's Saturday, so there will be no light,
Speaker 1: just the hurricane sound of the cleaning woman's vacuum. And
Speaker 1: the mites are back. I could see a wave of
Speaker 1: mites today from save them. I could see a wave
Speaker 1: of mites today from inside my halo to them, I
Speaker 1: just looked like another crobe. I think you're coming from
Speaker 1: the ashtray. They've all loved the ashtray for an obsessive,
Speaker 1: compulsive clean freak, the ultimate clean freak. The whales addiction
Speaker 1: to cigarettes is a weird one, But then again, he
Speaker 1: can afford the lung cleansing day after day, the wooshing
Speaker 1: that lifts the ash from his lungs. Okay, so lung
Speaker 1: cleansing in this world, all right on? Um? Yeah, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: you like you put like a suction cup or something
Speaker 1: over He's literally like sucking the ash out of his
Speaker 1: lungs because that's how big thick cigarettes hurt you too
Speaker 1: much ash in your lungs. That's right, that's what do
Speaker 1: he thinks happen. He thinks that he thinks the cigarettes
Speaker 1: are bad because you fill your lungs up with ashes.
Speaker 1: Oh that's not where the ashes go. Okay, all right. Also,
Speaker 1: this is I mean, this is the guy who like
Speaker 1: performatively like has his little cigar buddies and their leather
Speaker 1: chairs like right, like like I bet my co workers
Speaker 1: putting ash in their lung afterwards. Been just sucks the
Speaker 1: hooks the vacuum cleaner up to his throat and lives
Speaker 1: confident in the knowledge that he's cured cancer. Like he
Speaker 1: can say tar like there's like it's just like basic
Speaker 1: like like third or to be honest, it's a future thing.
Speaker 1: Just say he was able to afford you know, the
Speaker 1: anti cancer treatments or whatever. Like we don't need an explanation,
Speaker 1: like that's not what the story is about. I'll buy
Speaker 1: that in the future, rich people can just take a
Speaker 1: pill to not get cancer. Like fine, you don't need
Speaker 1: to go into detail. Uh, well, good thing he doesn't.
Speaker 1: Well look well, no, but the thing is just enough
Speaker 1: to detail to derail the story because it makes no sense.
Speaker 1: But like in general, it's easier to get away with
Speaker 1: that stupid bullshit in this sci fi format of her
Speaker 1: because you you know, you're like, maybe they'll explain what
Speaker 1: that is later. He's not going to Everything that's a
Speaker 1: question mark isn't going to be addressed. It's all going
Speaker 1: to be a confusing mess. Ultimately, there's no answers to
Speaker 1: this story right there, Like things of like forgivable things
Speaker 1: and like there's more. There's a a broader landscape in
Speaker 1: a sci fi world to do that kind of thing.
Speaker 1: But he won't, but like it won't help him. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's often, in fact great in sci fi to mention
Speaker 1: things that you don't necessarily explain, just to let them
Speaker 1: know you're there. It makes the world feel deeper. But Ben, Ben,
Speaker 1: I'm going to guess Ben fails to explain the things
Speaker 1: that we actually need explained, and that's what I mean,
Speaker 1: add unnecessary explanations for things he could have just breezed over. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: prediction for Ben Shapiro, sci fi writer. Okay, I I
Speaker 1: support that prediction anyway. The wooshing lifts the ash from
Speaker 1: his lungs. I pop on my night vision goggles and
Speaker 1: put on my boots. Then I step outside the halo,
Speaker 1: which automatically deflates to fit in my gear bag. The
Speaker 1: last mite turns around a nearby corner. I follow. When
Speaker 1: I get to the ash tray, the final ashes are
Speaker 1: still smoldering from his cigarette. It looks like a gigantic
Speaker 1: white tower at an ankle. I've seen pictures of the
Speaker 1: leaning Tower of pizza. It's like that, but with the
Speaker 1: bottom end broken and trailing into black dust. A few
Speaker 1: sparks dance near the base. I mean, and again another
Speaker 1: unnecessary thing. We don't need you to say. You've seen
Speaker 1: pictures of the leading town. Describe the leaning tower, right,
Speaker 1: you can evoke the Leading Tower of pieces without being
Speaker 1: like I've seen pictures and I boy, let me tell
Speaker 1: you it's kind of like that, except this way. You
Speaker 1: know what this thing's purposes. It's an ash tray, it's
Speaker 1: an it's just a cigarette. He's talking about aigarette, aigrette. Yeah,
Speaker 1: them though. I think I think he's hunting the mite
Speaker 1: for food, probably right, Yeah, to hide from the crobes. Yeah. Uh.
Speaker 1: The mites are all over the cigarette, all over it.
Speaker 1: To might seat cigarettes. I'm gonna I'm gonna look this up,
Speaker 1: will you please? You know what? You know what? You
Speaker 1: know what? We actually have to take a quick break.
Speaker 1: My sponsors, I know doesn't eat cigarettes for sure? Is
Speaker 1: our sponsors? Are you sure though? Wellgether everything. We're back.
Speaker 1: This is funny. I knew aspects of this because of
Speaker 1: the book that I wrote that talks heavily about nicotine,
Speaker 1: but uh so tobacco. If you're like, if you want
Speaker 1: something that will keep insects off of you, you can
Speaker 1: actually like rub like wild like tobacco on you like
Speaker 1: the oils on it, keep up insects and stuff. And
Speaker 1: I found an article talking about how it might be
Speaker 1: birds and cities may seek out cigarette buds because it
Speaker 1: keeps mites off of them. Um so there seems like
Speaker 1: they're repelled from cigarettes. Again, every single thing been could
Speaker 1: be wrong about he gets wrong. Just look it up, like,
Speaker 1: do do insects like? Do mites like tobacco? Something like that?
Speaker 1: Like a second? A second of work, that's all I
Speaker 1: put in a funny detail that a second and I
Speaker 1: found out that cigarettes keep mites away. This fact about
Speaker 1: mites is art. Yeah, Oh god, are incredible yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean there are there are like insects that eat tobacco.
Speaker 1: Please don't get me wrong, but they seem to be
Speaker 1: specific things that live in where tobacco is grown. Uh,
Speaker 1: they're like a type of flea flea beetles, a doult
Speaker 1: flea beetles. That's what seems to eat tobacco. Well, this
Speaker 1: passage doesn't say that adult flea beetles are beetles in
Speaker 1: this billionaire's house. Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna do
Speaker 1: do a quick word search for adult flea beetles. Nope.
Speaker 1: Um put in the typing sound after mites or something,
Speaker 1: which is probably different from the type of mites that
Speaker 1: those birds eat tobacco to keep away. But again, I
Speaker 1: don't think might seat tobacco. Doesn't matter, it's still funny, funny,
Speaker 1: the point being. The mites are all over the cigarette,
Speaker 1: all over it. They cover the top of the cigarette,
Speaker 1: swarm it, clawing at the chunks of the whale saliva.
Speaker 1: Best to get them now before they disperse and hide
Speaker 1: in the crevices of the desk. They're spit mites, m
Speaker 1: and so I climb. When you're at full size, a
Speaker 1: cigarette looks like a smooth precisely calibrated cylinder. Only when
Speaker 1: you're climbing one do you realize that it's full of
Speaker 1: footholds and hand holds. The mites are above me, but
Speaker 1: they haven't sensed me yet. I take out my hook
Speaker 1: from my belt and tear it into the cigarette wall
Speaker 1: with a satisfying thunk. Then I lash it through my
Speaker 1: belt and leaned back. The mites are silhouetted against the
Speaker 1: foam board ceiling. I have a clear shot. I take
Speaker 1: the first mite out with a single laser beam. Watch
Speaker 1: it plummet down the cigarette and smash into the table below,
Speaker 1: split in two. Before I have a chance to silently celebrate, though,
Speaker 1: the other mites dash, God, there have to be at
Speaker 1: least two hundred of them, dash, turn and face me.
Speaker 1: This is the moment where they're stunned. Moment when they're stunned.
Speaker 1: This is the moment where they're stunned before they realize
Speaker 1: what's happening. This is the moment for the laser grenade.
Speaker 1: I've done it a thousand times already, so many times
Speaker 1: that it's a matter of course, that's not how how you,
Speaker 1: that's not that's not right, that's not the right words.
Speaker 1: A matter of reflex that do it by reflex, Like
Speaker 1: I don't even like but it's not a matter of
Speaker 1: You would never describe automatically doing something as a matter
Speaker 1: of course like that, Like, it's just not the right
Speaker 1: way to say force of habit, force of habit. Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's just not that's not how a human being uses
Speaker 1: But as a matter of course, the laser grenade, because
Speaker 1: I've done it so many times, but I haven't done
Speaker 1: it while hanging from a cigarette and in the dark alone. Um,
Speaker 1: I don't think it being dark is relevant because you
Speaker 1: specifically said that you put on night vision goggles. But whatever,
Speaker 1: I reached behind me into my gear bag searching for
Speaker 1: the grenade. Damn it. I should have thought of this
Speaker 1: before firing on the herd. They're climbing down toward me now.
Speaker 1: They're great bulky frames, picking up momentum as they plunge
Speaker 1: their claws into the body of the cigarette. What I
Speaker 1: can find the kind of mites that are likely to
Speaker 1: be in a house feed on like skin flakes and stuff,
Speaker 1: not saliva. But not Okay, Yeah again, everything he's and
Speaker 1: anytime he is specific about something, it's it's inevitably wrong.
Speaker 1: It's inevitably wrong if he if he goes out of
Speaker 1: his way to be specific, chances is incorrect. M Um.
Speaker 1: But you know they're they're covered in the crusted saliva
Speaker 1: of the whale, and their smell is overpowering. I wretch
Speaker 1: grasped deeper into my gear bag. My hand closes around
Speaker 1: the grenade, but now the herd is closing, closing in.
Speaker 1: I can see the black maw of the lead might,
Speaker 1: of the lead might. Sorry, my apologies, that's my mistake.
Speaker 1: I can see the black maw of the lead might
Speaker 1: opening as he chunks his way down the cigarette. I
Speaker 1: closed my eyes and scream and fling it upward. Yeah that,
Speaker 1: as a matter of course, I close my eyes and
Speaker 1: scream and throw. I thought, you've done it. That's how
Speaker 1: he trained himself to throw a grenade with his eyes closed,
Speaker 1: his eyes closed. That's what the handbook says, close your
Speaker 1: eyes and scream. It's not a good throw. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: ship man. It seems to flutter in the air before
Speaker 1: gravity takes hold of it. It reaches the top of
Speaker 1: the parabola, and it suddenly occurs to me that this
Speaker 1: damn thing could go off as it passes me on
Speaker 1: the way down. Of course, by that time I'll be
Speaker 1: might food. But then the mit reaches down with its
Speaker 1: pincers and gobbles it up. I count to four. It's
Speaker 1: already been a second, and the mite explodes outward, blowing
Speaker 1: a dozen of its repulsive brethren off the cigarette into
Speaker 1: the chasms below the way. Okay, sure, all right, yeah
Speaker 1: you're it's not but whatever? Uh they left the track
Speaker 1: at this point, where like, why waste time like it?
Speaker 1: Since whatever? It's fine? The way from the how does
Speaker 1: he describe the mites biting him? What is it that
Speaker 1: they have? It? Is it pincers? Okay, you know that's
Speaker 1: fair enough. It would be fair to describe it as pincers.
Speaker 1: I think it's a little fright. But I can't wait
Speaker 1: to see that word over and over and over again
Speaker 1: because he got it right. Um, the way from the
Speaker 1: explosion almost blows me off the cigarette, but the belt
Speaker 1: holds me tight. But the second wave, but the second
Speaker 1: wave of mites is still coming down for me. They're
Speaker 1: creeping more slowly, more warily. That's not good for me.
Speaker 1: My only chance is that they panic. I can never
Speaker 1: make it down the cigarette in time to escape them. Sleep. Okay,
Speaker 1: so this is like a regular thing he does. He
Speaker 1: like waits for the mites to gather around the cigarette.
Speaker 1: And because mites left cigarettes so much as a matter
Speaker 1: of course, they're not panicking, though they're getting smart. Their
Speaker 1: beady eyes scope me out as they tiptoe almost daintily
Speaker 1: down the cylindrical tower. I fire a couple of times
Speaker 1: to pick two of them off. It's hard to miss
Speaker 1: at this distance, but my heart is pounding and my
Speaker 1: throat is dry. New paragraph, shattering light, new paragraph again.
Speaker 1: It's a Saturday. What the hell is going on here?
Speaker 1: That's right here, I see what the hell is going
Speaker 1: on here. Somebody turned on the light, and it's as
Speaker 1: bright as the brightest day. Excellent, pros. It's as bright
Speaker 1: as day would be the brightest brightest day, right, like
Speaker 1: as it is daytime. Yeah, but no, it is actually
Speaker 1: as bright as the brightest day. You got your vision
Speaker 1: goggles on, unless you forgot that you put those on,
Speaker 1: in which case, all right, thank God for that. The
Speaker 1: mites hate the light, and they're scurrying down the cigarette
Speaker 1: but trying like hell to get to the darkness of
Speaker 1: the desk grooves. They completely ignore me, rush around me.
Speaker 1: I shout in glee. I'm saved. That's not in quotes.
Speaker 1: That's the thing, he says. I I shout in glee,
Speaker 1: I'm saved exclamation point. Yeah. Yeah. He sees he's just
Speaker 1: happy that he's saved, and his shout he shouts in glee,
Speaker 1: and then he tells us I'm saved exclamation yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's writing. Okay, okay, yes, I agreed. I agree.
Speaker 1: Somebody did write that down and and we can read it.
Speaker 1: Then I hear it the voice of the whale again.
Speaker 1: This is the whale is always in all caps or
Speaker 1: not all caps, but capitalized. Sure, fine, whatever, yea. I'm
Speaker 1: just like, I'm just letting you know the y you know,
Speaker 1: it's not I'm not no judgment. I'm just saying that's
Speaker 1: I sure hope we at least learn what the whale is.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no, no, no. Ben does not give details
Speaker 1: unless those details are necessary and incorrect. He's a guy
Speaker 1: who feeds the mites his saliva um. Then I hear
Speaker 1: the voice of the whale grumbling from above, something about
Speaker 1: an emergency in Tokyo. The earth starts shaking beneath me
Speaker 1: as the whale searches for his cigarettes, cursing he always
Speaker 1: needs his cigarettes when he's under stress, and this one
Speaker 1: must be a doozy. Bang. He's open to the top
Speaker 1: drawer of his desk and slammed it shut, turning the
Speaker 1: air blue with invective. Okay, okay, boom. The entire desk
Speaker 1: shutters with the weight of his massive, meaty fist. Oh
Speaker 1: through line. Maybe it's the guard from the other story.
Speaker 1: This is a motif, the motif of the meaty fist.
Speaker 1: I can see it from a top to cigarette and
Speaker 1: it looks like an avalanche of human flesh punctuated by
Speaker 1: thick black hairs on his knuckles. Treat trunk thick, damn it.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you're small enough that mites are big,
Speaker 1: his fingers would be more like canyon walls. Then yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like the cigarette. Feel like the cigarette is
Speaker 1: the entire buildings, or like he said, like it was
Speaker 1: like the leaning tower of Pizza was with a cigarette,
Speaker 1: so like its fucking hands would be. Like perspectives are
Speaker 1: all over the place here. Yeah again, Ben doesn't there's
Speaker 1: nothing consistent about here, yeah, he says. Then I look up.
Speaker 1: His broad, fat face stares down at me. He can't
Speaker 1: see me of course I'm too small to be seen
Speaker 1: by the naked eye, but I can see him. It's
Speaker 1: like the moon rising massive during harvest season, Massive and
Speaker 1: puffed and bloated and sweaty. Didn't need to say massive
Speaker 1: so close together twice? Oh boy, not to do that,
Speaker 1: um God like losing all right. An enormous droplet of
Speaker 1: sweat forms on his eyebrow lingers. He said massive twice
Speaker 1: because he knew he was going to use enormous a
Speaker 1: moment later. Uh. An enormous droplet of sweat forms on
Speaker 1: his eyebrow lingers for a moment, then falls down like
Speaker 1: a bomb towards the desk. It detonates, washing three or
Speaker 1: four mites away with it. Why is he looking at me?
Speaker 1: Then I realized what he's looking at, and it isn't me.
Speaker 1: Oh God. I struggle frantically to unbelt myself from the cigarette.
Speaker 1: The belts too tight, though, and I can't work myself
Speaker 1: free of it. And before we find out what it
Speaker 1: is that this whale sees, before we find out what
Speaker 1: our main character is so worried about, we must go
Speaker 1: too and ad break Cody. You put more work into
Speaker 1: that transition than Ben did into this entire book of
Speaker 1: short stories. Well, you know, I care about my craft,
Speaker 1: unlike somebody I could think of. Okay, it's me, and yes,
Speaker 1: that's true. I was staring directly at you together everything,
Speaker 1: and we're back from that break to hear more from Ben. Um.
Speaker 1: I keep thinking that this is so good, so uncreative.
Speaker 1: I mean it's not. Oh yeah, the exploits of someone
Speaker 1: really small. We got that with Honey. I shrunk the
Speaker 1: kids and man, you know what I mean? All right?
Speaker 1: And again Ben mistakes the point of science fiction entirely,
Speaker 1: because if you're the thing the germ of an idea
Speaker 1: that could someone competent could do, is this idea might
Speaker 1: have an idea trobe of an idea? Yeah? Is these
Speaker 1: people shrinking themselves in order to like deal with the
Speaker 1: whims of a lunatic billionaire. Um, And that is like
Speaker 1: not a at And then it's a terrible action scene
Speaker 1: and there's no actual analysis of like the world that
Speaker 1: would make this necessarily. This feels like an anti capitalist story.
Speaker 1: I think it will be. Yeah, but that makes any
Speaker 1: kind of sense because again the bad guys are the
Speaker 1: might it kind of I don't know. Well, I guess
Speaker 1: we'll see where it's going we'll see. I feel like
Speaker 1: they're like, there's definitely a really bad point poorly veiled
Speaker 1: that we will arrive at eventually. Great, but we don't
Speaker 1: know anything about the whale, right or did I miss that?
Speaker 1: There's some sort of businessman. Yeah, like literally nothing more
Speaker 1: than businessman. Like he's on the phone yelling about steal
Speaker 1: or something. Yeah, smoker. Uh, he does deals, right, he
Speaker 1: does deals. Yeah. It doesn't understand capitalism any better than
Speaker 1: he understands socialism. M yeah, it's good that he doesn't
Speaker 1: understand much. It's it is good that he doesn't understand
Speaker 1: either of those things. Okay, continue, When last we left
Speaker 1: our heroes, Um, yeah, something bad is going on and
Speaker 1: the guys like the whale season but not anyway. And
Speaker 1: then I'm hanging by my belt horizontal parallel with the earth,
Speaker 1: and I'm rising, falling backwards, sliding down the cigarette, the
Speaker 1: hook tearing tobacco out of the cigarette as I cigarette twice,
Speaker 1: the hook tearing tobacco out of the cigarette as just
Speaker 1: say it all right, sorry, the hook tearing down tobacco
Speaker 1: out of the cigarette as I slide toward his fat,
Speaker 1: blubbery lips. Specs of spit oozing from his gaping mouth. Um,
Speaker 1: we don't need to harp on it. But like if
Speaker 1: it if something is having the tobacco torn out of it,
Speaker 1: I have to assume it's the cigarette. So you don't
Speaker 1: need to say it twice, doesn't matter. Moving on, I
Speaker 1: try to stop myself grabbing at the serpent. That's my mistake.
Speaker 1: I tried to stop myself grabbing at the surface of
Speaker 1: the cigarette, but the mites have left it slick thick
Speaker 1: with their ooze mixed with the whale's spittle. The surface
Speaker 1: of the cigarette is getting hot. Now I look behind me,
Speaker 1: and the damn thing is on fire, much like Tommy's house.
Speaker 1: The blasted whale has gone and ReLit. The butt hot
Speaker 1: ash begins sweeping beneath me under the paper as the
Speaker 1: whale breathes in, scorching my legs. But before I can
Speaker 1: worry about it, the whale takes an enormous puff. The
Speaker 1: sucking is like an unstoppable hurricane, drawing me toward its eye. Down,
Speaker 1: down I go, until I plunge into his open mouth.
Speaker 1: It's the movement from fire into water. Weird sounds. It's
Speaker 1: the movement from fire to water. It goes all right, Sorry,
Speaker 1: it broke my brain. Yeah, I don't know what he's
Speaker 1: trying to do with that, unless it's a reference to
Speaker 1: the great Bloodhound Gang song fire water burn. I prom
Speaker 1: to see it as not well, don't I go until
Speaker 1: I plunge into his open mouth. It's the movement from
Speaker 1: fire into water. I wretch again as I'm immersed in
Speaker 1: waves of his saliva, stinking of yesterday's food, a toxic
Speaker 1: mix of bile and phlegm. I try to swim towards
Speaker 1: the surface of his mouth, but it's too far. I'll
Speaker 1: never make it, not with the rocket pack before he
Speaker 1: shuts that blubbery hole forever, locking me in his body,
Speaker 1: swirling me down his throat and into his intestines. Then, Also,
Speaker 1: it seems weird that like a freak who's like obsessive
Speaker 1: about cleanliness would just let human like tiny humans wander
Speaker 1: around his his his home. That's a good point that
Speaker 1: he would be like less concerned about that than Mike
Speaker 1: was that. The point is he supposed to be killing
Speaker 1: all the mites. Yeah, but it's this guy's there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would agree. It doesn't this guy have his own
Speaker 1: tiny mites, you know? Yeah, Also, like he's a neat freak,
Speaker 1: but like also like his saliva stinking of yesterday's food,
Speaker 1: fucking teeth. Man, Like what Ben, Ben can't even make
Speaker 1: this character who's not a character consistent. Like it's like
Speaker 1: you said like three things about him, yeah, and none
Speaker 1: of them back to that. Yeah, it's great that all
Speaker 1: of the things that every new fact we learned about
Speaker 1: this character could can like conflicts with the other things
Speaker 1: he told us about him. This disgusting slab of a
Speaker 1: neat freak. What this filthy, gross person who has hired
Speaker 1: tiny people to clean his house at the atomic level
Speaker 1: because he loves being neat so much. Well, so, I
Speaker 1: don't think the whale knows about this guy. I don't
Speaker 1: think he knows about the tiny people, right, I think
Speaker 1: I think the thing he has to think. I think
Speaker 1: he's working well. I think the tiny guys spying on him.
Speaker 1: I think. But he says he doesn't understand it. He's
Speaker 1: a it's a two year contract. Like he just vaguely
Speaker 1: says that anyone listening in could make money off of
Speaker 1: it if they knew about the stock market. But he's
Speaker 1: not taking that down right. It sounds like his job
Speaker 1: is to kill dust mites. I will, well, so I will.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna pose it that he could have. He should
Speaker 1: have just added a line like you know, if anyone listening, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, they can make a fortune, which is why
Speaker 1: I'm here, Like, I think that might be why he
Speaker 1: just didn't. Isn't explaining it? Well, it's very hard to
Speaker 1: predict what's going on, because why was he working with
Speaker 1: the team, Like it's a two year contract. Uh, it
Speaker 1: just sounds like he's an exterminator. He's stuff. But then
Speaker 1: there's the maid who comes in to vacuum the mites away,
Speaker 1: right right yep? So like why does he need a
Speaker 1: tiny guy to get rid of the mites? If he
Speaker 1: the tiny guy to get rid of the mites? Is
Speaker 1: the I had to fing you and ask in a story?
Speaker 1: Been Shapiro rude about using ten Yeah, we'll see if
Speaker 1: it's if it clears, it's so bad it I believe
Speaker 1: he's an exterminator. Okay, you're putting that out there, all right,
Speaker 1: That's that's how it seems to be going on to me.
Speaker 1: I believe the story is bad. I believe that I
Speaker 1: think it might be corporate espionage. I think, yeah, it
Speaker 1: seems like he would have said something at all about it,
Speaker 1: other than like if anyone here knew what there was
Speaker 1: being said, they would they could make money off of it.
Speaker 1: You think, you think, because there's nothing about him transmitting
Speaker 1: data to anything, there's nothing about him recording anything. He
Speaker 1: doesn't seem to understand. Just he's just fighting these mites.
Speaker 1: He's just fighting mites. I think that's his gig. Presumably
Speaker 1: we'll find out more information. Yeah, let's hope, but maybe
Speaker 1: not because the story is bad. Okay, but so like
Speaker 1: he's getting he's getting sucked into this guy's mouth, right,
Speaker 1: I know what, I know what I said. Uh, then
Speaker 1: then I remember the halo. I rip it out of
Speaker 1: my gearback. See that's called that's like that was good storytelling,
Speaker 1: right he introduced halo early on, and now here we are,
Speaker 1: I rip it out of my gear bag and hit
Speaker 1: the button. It automatically inflates. Just say it inflates. Like
Speaker 1: it doesn't automatically inflates, then you wouldn't hit the button
Speaker 1: if there's a button. If not, all right, it automatically inflates.
Speaker 1: After I hit the button, I scramble like if you okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not no, not spend time on it moving on.
Speaker 1: I scramble in it does it does not deserve any
Speaker 1: more thought. I scramble inside the air tight space as
Speaker 1: the halos buffeted on the waves of spit buff puffe. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, yeah, maybe, okay, maybe I just don't know,
Speaker 1: like how the whereas used normally? Okay, Then the whale
Speaker 1: swallows the halo dash and I dash go flying backwards
Speaker 1: down his throat, past the blimp of his uvula, down
Speaker 1: his thorax, into the vast blackness beyond. The air pressure
Speaker 1: changes and I fall into the simul simultan formatting is terrible.
Speaker 1: I fall into the simultaneous darkness of unconsciousness. The wow
Speaker 1: what wow, that's why I was confused. The air pressure changes,
Speaker 1: and I fall into the simultaneous darkness of unconsciousness. Oh no,
Speaker 1: I know what he's saying. He's both falling into the
Speaker 1: darkness of the body as he's passing out. But that's
Speaker 1: not Yeah, the darkness of the belly the darkness of
Speaker 1: unconsciousness simultaneously. Yeah, right, idea not a bad idea, like
Speaker 1: the crobe of an idea there for this one sentence
Speaker 1: is not bad but poorly executed. Yeah, maybe like I can't.
Speaker 1: I couldn't afterwards, I wouldn't be able to remit. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to tell if I had passed out
Speaker 1: for before it had gotten darker like what, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Maybe even don't mention that because there's no real way
Speaker 1: to or just like like darkness of h I passed
Speaker 1: out on the way down, everything went black? Uh, some
Speaker 1: darkness of the darkness. There's a number of simpler ways
Speaker 1: to frame it. More time could be spent on it,
Speaker 1: and more time than we're willing to spend on it.
Speaker 1: So moving on September, predict what this next sentence says,
Speaker 1: Has he spent several days in explicably inside a man? Well,
Speaker 1: so the previous section said, September twenty, Yeah, okay, it's
Speaker 1: the next day, September one, colon, I don't know what
Speaker 1: day it is. Oh my god, it's funny. That is funny, beautiful, perfect, yeah,
Speaker 1: perfect author, September one. I don't know what day it is.
Speaker 1: I assume it's three days and to wake up. When
Speaker 1: I opened my eyes this morning or is it afternoon,
Speaker 1: I couldn't see much. I lit my semicolon, I lit
Speaker 1: my hand lantern and looked around I seemed to be
Speaker 1: in an enormous dark cave. You know where you are?
Speaker 1: What do you like? Yeah? Like you? He knows he
Speaker 1: was swallowed. Also, I'm sorry he was swallowed by the whale. Like,
Speaker 1: come on, man, I know that's what I keep thinking.
Speaker 1: They decided to comb the whale. Kind of embarrassing, But
Speaker 1: it is embarrassing whatever. I seemed to be an enormous cave,
Speaker 1: even though I know that I was swallowed moments ago
Speaker 1: almost a huge, ugly veined dome. It must be the
Speaker 1: whale's stomach. Yeah, no ship. The halo is caught near
Speaker 1: the top of the bean shaped space, which shines with
Speaker 1: a weird pale reflection from the lantern. It's pink and
Speaker 1: slimy and ridged or rigid. I don't know what he
Speaker 1: means except for two anomalies. A red hole filled with
Speaker 1: puss and blood and an odd yellow patch thick pulsating
Speaker 1: like an enormous caterpillar. The halo has an oxygen eight
Speaker 1: or so at least I won't suffocate, and I have
Speaker 1: nutrition packs to last me a week. Thank god. The
Speaker 1: halo caught me at the top of the stomach. I
Speaker 1: can't imagine that allowing the whales antibodies to attack me
Speaker 1: and the intestines would be a healthy process. Wait a second, Okay,
Speaker 1: I thought he was Okay, I can't imagine letting the
Speaker 1: whales antibodies attack me would be a healthy process. Well, so,
Speaker 1: first of all, maybe like the stomach acid is what
Speaker 1: you should be worried about. Um, not like the thing
Speaker 1: that happens after that. But whatever, Um, I'm gonna read
Speaker 1: this again because it's poorly written. I can't imagine that
Speaker 1: allowing the whales antibodies to attack me in the it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter, all right. They're going to need to find
Speaker 1: a way to extract me though. The reversal process is
Speaker 1: set to start tonight. And while the whales big, he
Speaker 1: isn't that big? Is big? Whales big? If they don't
Speaker 1: get me out of here, I'll tear right through his
Speaker 1: stum wall, right through his abdomen. I'd better alert them.
Speaker 1: I reached into my bag and pick up the beacon.
Speaker 1: I hit it once. The light flashes bright, illuminating the
Speaker 1: stomach like an enormous palpitating monster. Okay, and then I
Speaker 1: hear Jensen, my former best friend history, the guy I
Speaker 1: went to high school with, more history. Wowee, For the
Speaker 1: first time since Phillips died, a human voice adjusted for pitch.
Speaker 1: I almost cry camp Is that you over Roger Jensen?
Speaker 1: God man, it's good to hear your voice over. There's
Speaker 1: a pause on the other end. How are you? I'm
Speaker 1: puzzled by this. Can't you see where I'm calling from?
Speaker 1: The beacon has a tracker on it. Say say again, Jensen,
Speaker 1: I'm in the whale. Another pause, along, pause, this time
Speaker 1: broken by static. Describe your status, Kemp, I'm in his stomach. Understood.
Speaker 1: What do you see his stomach? Jensen? What the hell
Speaker 1: else would I see? I look around again. He has
Speaker 1: to be getting at something. Then it hits me all
Speaker 1: at once, that yellow mass. It's a tumor. The whale
Speaker 1: is dying. Suddenly, Yeah, that was the worst, laughed everybody
Speaker 1: h conflict, tension, drama. Suddenly, thoughts are whirling through my brain,
Speaker 1: almost too fast for me to keep up. I'm probably
Speaker 1: the only one outside his doctors who know, outside of
Speaker 1: his doctors who know he runs a billion dollar empire.
Speaker 1: His stock price would drop through the floor if the
Speaker 1: public knew he had months to live. I'm a wealthy man,
Speaker 1: but all I want to do is get home to
Speaker 1: my wife. Jensen, I say, you tell the whale that
Speaker 1: I don't want anything from him. All I want is
Speaker 1: to go home, get me the hell out of here,
Speaker 1: and I won't say a word about the tumor not
Speaker 1: a word. A firm, Jensen, A firm. The beacon goes dead.
Speaker 1: I haven't prayed since I was a child. I don't
Speaker 1: believe in God. No God would play the cosmic joke
Speaker 1: of letting the whale fall into so much wealth then
Speaker 1: curse him with an obsessive, compulsive dislike of dust mites
Speaker 1: so strong that he'd spent half the wealth developing the
Speaker 1: shrinking system and hiring dudes like me. To man, you
Speaker 1: are right, you are right. You hired him to kill them.
Speaker 1: My store him dumbest premise of a science fiction story
Speaker 1: I think I've ever heard. Oh I can't o God.
Speaker 1: I can because here's the thing, Cody. To get on
Speaker 1: Ben's level, you have to imagine what the dumbest thing
Speaker 1: could possibly be, and then try to make it a
Speaker 1: little dumber, and you'll get close to whatever been simple math.
Speaker 1: It's a formula. Are we at a stopping point? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think I think now that we know what this
Speaker 1: story is about. Shouldn't waste any more of your Christmas
Speaker 1: hiding in a closet or a bathroom listening to them again,
Speaker 1: it's kind of a cool there's a cool a germ
Speaker 1: of a cool idea. Here a rich guy who's just
Speaker 1: out of his mind and hiring people to be shrunk
Speaker 1: down and like toil in order to clean his his house.
Speaker 1: At the atomic level, you could say some things with that,
Speaker 1: um it. I would say that the way to make
Speaker 1: it interesting would not be to make it a dude
Speaker 1: fighting dust fights, because that's boarding as hell. But maybe
Speaker 1: it's like a chain gang, maybe in like the future,
Speaker 1: prisoners or mortgaged and they found a way to assassinate
Speaker 1: this billionaire who's got them slaving away cleaning the fibers
Speaker 1: of his carpet. I don't know. There's things could be
Speaker 1: done with this and to say about it if you
Speaker 1: were the kind of person who wrote stories, um interesting.
Speaker 1: Uh you say dudes, um because that's what I said,
Speaker 1: But I'm pretty sure I inserted that. I don't know
Speaker 1: if he intended to say dudes or not. Yeah, he
Speaker 1: says he'd spend so strong dust. My dislike of dust,
Speaker 1: my so strong, but not like his filthy, filthy mouth,
Speaker 1: apparently so strong that he spent half that wealth developing
Speaker 1: the shrinking system and hiring duds like me to man it, right.
Speaker 1: I think he meant dudes like a bird on himself,
Speaker 1: only doesn't talk about himself like he's a dude, talking
Speaker 1: about himself like he's a superhero able to you know,
Speaker 1: take the it's of course now I can shoot these lasers.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, it's knowing Ben,
Speaker 1: It's more likely that he misspelled dudes and that and
Speaker 1: that would be a typo, so that this story is
Speaker 1: a dud. It's a dud. It's a close out though
Speaker 1: the last sentence of this paragraph that blew the whole story.
Speaker 1: Why dope, how bet is? It's all too absurd? Ye? Yeah,
Speaker 1: it is very absurd. Okay, well that's gonna do it
Speaker 1: here at worst year ever for before the holiday, So
Speaker 1: enjoy the holiday. Um. And you know, if you need
Speaker 1: some extra cash to buy presents, consider shrinking yourself down
Speaker 1: to the size of a DustMite. Yeah, like, that's so inefficient.
Speaker 1: Hire two guys like he describes hundreds poisons that kill
Speaker 1: mits like it's not Also the woman who vacuums them up. Um.
Speaker 1: The worst way to do it is to have two
Speaker 1: guys with guns shoot them. Yeah. If you're like half
Speaker 1: of your fortune to develop this, spend half your fortune
Speaker 1: on a better idea, like give that money to somebody
Speaker 1: and be like, well, actually, what if you do this? Yeah,
Speaker 1: Like this guy hates the idea of dust mites, but
Speaker 1: he's fine with tiny people shooting things in his carpet. Like, again,
Speaker 1: you're not considering the mites that those tiny people are carrying. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're also going to be covered in they're they're being shrunk.
Speaker 1: I don't know how that man's bathing. He's got to
Speaker 1: be shipping and pissing. Yes, yeah, he's covering the two
Speaker 1: years worth of tiny ship and piss human chit piss.
Speaker 1: Who's that I'll say it again? Or is bad? It's bad?
Speaker 1: Any who? Mary Crimbo, that's tiny little the last episode, everybody,
Speaker 1: that's unbelievable. Not dropping next week because we need a break.
Speaker 1: It was great, was no notes. I feel like that's
Speaker 1: what everybody says about at all. You know what, you guys,
Speaker 1: The year is bad. I guess if Mary less bad
Speaker 1: than the year before, but just marginally. It depends on
Speaker 1: on Yeah, it's how you're looking at it in different
Speaker 1: in some ways, in some ways always it wasn't you know?
Speaker 1: What it is is time for you to stop listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast. Now, go go out into the family
Speaker 1: room and tongue kiss your uncle. Come on the racist
Speaker 1: one to get in there for the good story, and
Speaker 1: then tell us about it. Take a pis, have someone
Speaker 1: videotape you tongue kissing your racist uncle. Posted on Twitter,
Speaker 1: say this is my racist uncle, but even though he's racist,
Speaker 1: we can still tongue kiss hashtag together, bridging the divide,
Speaker 1: Bridging the divide. There you go, You're welcome everything. Danil
Speaker 1: Worst Year Ever is a production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from my heart Radio, visit the i
Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.