WEBVTT - Caitlin Murray: The Birth of Big Time Adulting 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:33.240 Welcome back to She Pivots. I'm Caitlin Murray this week. 0:00:33.240 --> 0:00:36.400 I'm delighted to have Kaitlin Murray on the show, though 0:00:36.640 --> 0:00:39.720 most of you know her by her Instagram handle Big 0:00:39.760 --> 0:00:44.200 Time Adulting. I first found Caitlin's account during the pandemic 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:47.120 when I felt like I was losing my mind. Her 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:49.879 content was exactly what I needed to know that I 0:00:49.960 --> 0:00:53.239 wasn't alone. When I found out that she had an 0:00:53.280 --> 0:00:56.000 amazing pivot story, I knew I wanted to have her 0:00:56.040 --> 0:01:00.880 on the show. Plus, she is hilarious many of us moms. 0:01:01.000 --> 0:01:04.200 Caitlyn left her job from Eternity Leave, planning to ease 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:07.560 back in slowly after having her third baby. After all, 0:01:07.640 --> 0:01:10.640 she had worked when she had the first two. But 0:01:10.680 --> 0:01:14.720 then everything changed when her oldest was diagnosed with leukemia 0:01:14.920 --> 0:01:17.080 and she knew she needed to pivot to stay home 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:20.920 full time amidst all of the pain. Caitlyn began writing. 0:01:21.440 --> 0:01:25.039 From there, she decided to start sharing her life online. 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:28.640 Now with over a million followers, Caitlyn has redefined what 0:01:28.720 --> 0:01:31.959 success means to her several times over, and I can't 0:01:32.000 --> 0:01:34.360 wait for you all to hear her story and become 0:01:34.520 --> 0:01:41.800 as obsessed with her as I am enjoy. 0:01:41.959 --> 0:01:46.520 My name is Caitlin Murray and I am a content creator, 0:01:46.840 --> 0:01:48.280 a writer, and a mom. 0:01:48.920 --> 0:01:50.560 Okay, so we are going to go in chronologic orders. 0:01:50.600 --> 0:01:54.120 We're going to back up. We're going to go little Caitlin. 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:57.880 Oh wow, Yeah, we're like really gonna go take me 0:01:58.120 --> 0:02:01.440 back and yeah, yeah, we're really going going back. What 0:02:01.640 --> 0:02:04.960 did you like get me in the headspace? Where are 0:02:05.000 --> 0:02:07.280 you in your sibling order? Like, what did you think 0:02:07.280 --> 0:02:08.880 you were going to be when you grew up? 0:02:09.919 --> 0:02:13.720 I was the second of two children. I have one 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:17.440 older brother. I am from Massachusetts. I like to say 0:02:17.520 --> 0:02:21.280 I am from southeastern Massachusetts. I've lived like all over 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:24.080 the south shore of Massachusetts. I grew up on Cape 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:26.480 Cod a little bit. We started just being there in 0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:29.800 the summers. Then my family moved to our house that 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:32.720 we spent summers in, and I went to school on 0:02:32.840 --> 0:02:36.119 Cape Cod full time. And then my parents separated when 0:02:36.120 --> 0:02:39.720 I was in like the eighth grade, and I went 0:02:39.760 --> 0:02:44.000 to boarding school, and then my parents moved off of 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:49.440 the Cape to two different towns, one easton one in Plymouth, Massachusetts. 0:02:49.800 --> 0:02:53.120 So that's like where I'm from. And my brother and 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:57.080 my family all live in Massachusetts. Still and I live 0:02:57.120 --> 0:03:00.480 in New York, and my childhood was it was great, 0:03:00.560 --> 0:03:04.320 pretty average, except for my parents' separation and divorce that 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:07.480 iube was pretty devastating for me and kind of felt 0:03:07.520 --> 0:03:08.840 like it came out of nowhere. 0:03:09.639 --> 0:03:12.079 I think, especially with three kids, I more and more 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:17.360 begin to think that a sibling birth order is so formative. 0:03:18.040 --> 0:03:19.720 Do you think it was for you or do you 0:03:19.720 --> 0:03:22.600 think any of those experiences were so much more formative 0:03:22.600 --> 0:03:22.840 for you. 0:03:23.680 --> 0:03:27.600 It's so funny because in my house, with my nuclear 0:03:27.639 --> 0:03:30.840 family here now, I feel like my kids are like 0:03:31.520 --> 0:03:36.760 to a te birth order stereotypical. But in my house 0:03:36.800 --> 0:03:39.880 growing up, it was different. My brother was more of 0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:44.520 like the rule breaker, sort of rebel between the two 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:47.320 of us, and then I was definitely, I think, just 0:03:47.400 --> 0:03:51.320 maybe as a reaction to that, like a more people 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:54.880 pleaser type kiddo, sort of stayed between the lines. If 0:03:54.880 --> 0:03:57.680 you can imagine, never got in trouble played by the 0:03:57.720 --> 0:03:59.760 book What did you think you were going to be 0:03:59.760 --> 0:04:02.760 when you I mean, what didn't I think I was 0:04:02.800 --> 0:04:04.160 going to be when I grew up. I was going 0:04:04.200 --> 0:04:06.080 to be maybe like an actress. I was going to 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:09.680 be the president. I was going to be a teacher, 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:12.800 a million things. You know, I didn't really have any 0:04:13.160 --> 0:04:16.920 hard and fast visions, but yeah, I'm none of those 0:04:16.960 --> 0:04:17.839 things now. 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:20.719 So you were pretty well rounded. 0:04:21.160 --> 0:04:24.240 I suppose thank you for saying that. Yeah, I did 0:04:24.400 --> 0:04:28.080 have a variety of interests. I still do. I still 0:04:28.080 --> 0:04:28.479 really do. 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:33.160 Early on, Caitlyn didn't put much weight on her career. 0:04:33.680 --> 0:04:36.320 She thought she'd get married, have kids, and stay home, 0:04:36.920 --> 0:04:39.240 and things started to fall into place when she met 0:04:39.240 --> 0:04:40.600 her husband, Michael. 0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:45.840 I met my husband in college. We went to Middlebury 0:04:46.040 --> 0:04:48.720 up in Vermont. He was from New York, and so 0:04:49.000 --> 0:04:53.200 after graduation we were together, but like, our relationship was 0:04:53.640 --> 0:04:56.040 a rocky place at that time. We were just up 0:04:56.080 --> 0:04:58.240 and down and we were doing a lot of some 0:04:58.320 --> 0:05:01.279 breaking up and making up and thing. But I just 0:05:01.360 --> 0:05:04.520 wanted like a new experience and a couple of friends, 0:05:04.640 --> 0:05:07.960 and I decided to move to New York. And the 0:05:08.000 --> 0:05:09.960 rest is kind of history, because my husband and I 0:05:10.000 --> 0:05:13.080 did end up blocking it in like several years later, 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:16.640 after exploring if we were really right for each other 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:19.480 or not. And I've been in New York ever since. 0:05:20.200 --> 0:05:21.240 You guys are still together. 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:23.120 I feel like people don't generally think those are going 0:05:23.200 --> 0:05:26.240 to work out those relationships that are like up and down. 0:05:26.279 --> 0:05:28.440 Did you think that it was not going to work out? 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:31.240 I think that there was a period of time in 0:05:31.279 --> 0:05:35.200 my early twenties after graduation that I wasn't sure. But 0:05:35.640 --> 0:05:40.120 there was like a pretty distinctive breakup that we ended 0:05:40.200 --> 0:05:43.640 up when when we got back together, felt very different 0:05:43.720 --> 0:05:46.479 and like our relationship had turned our real corner in 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:50.320 terms of like its maturity level. And at that point 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:52.880 I knew that he would be the one. But when 0:05:52.960 --> 0:05:56.560 we first started dating, which was a scandal because I 0:05:56.720 --> 0:05:59.400 had a boyfriend at the time, he was such a 0:05:59.400 --> 0:06:01.480 good friend of mine. He was like my best friend 0:06:01.640 --> 0:06:04.760 at the time, and I thought this guy could easily 0:06:04.800 --> 0:06:07.719 be my husband because I just enjoy him so much. 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:08.960 I still feel that way. 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:12.360 What do you think felt different when you guys got 0:06:12.400 --> 0:06:14.000 back together, Like what had changed? 0:06:14.839 --> 0:06:19.640 Yeah, you know, we were both from parents who whose 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:23.800 marriages were not successful, so I think that we had 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:28.320 a lot of reservations about, you know, being super realistic 0:06:28.680 --> 0:06:33.200 about who was right for us and making sure of 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:37.680 that before deciding to actually get married, and was almost 0:06:37.680 --> 0:06:41.800 like quite cynical about that selection process. I mean, I 0:06:41.839 --> 0:06:45.160 feel like even then I was I sort of understood 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:50.000 marriages about finding the person that drives you the least crazy, 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:53.320 Like they're going to still drive you crazy, because everyone's 0:06:53.400 --> 0:06:55.840 going to drive you crazy, but the person who will 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:59.760 like not make you be crazy yere, And so I 0:06:59.760 --> 0:07:03.000 think I went into it was like a really solid 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:05.599 understanding that marriage is hard. 0:07:06.480 --> 0:07:10.200 Yeah, that's totally fair. And how much did you think 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:14.480 about having kids? How many kids? Like, how central was 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:16.880 that to your thinking about what your life was going 0:07:16.920 --> 0:07:18.880 to look like? And did you make decisions around it. 0:07:19.720 --> 0:07:22.760 I always wanted three kids because I had only one brother, 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:25.960 and I always was super curious as to what a 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:29.360 family of three or more would look like. I think 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:32.280 I always wished I had one more sibling or that 0:07:32.360 --> 0:07:34.200 kind of thing, and just to see what that family 0:07:34.280 --> 0:07:36.040 dynamic would be like. So it was sort of this 0:07:36.200 --> 0:07:40.120 goal in my mind to get to three. But holy shit, 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:43.280 after I had won, I was like, to do this, 0:07:43.800 --> 0:07:46.840 it's crazy. I didn't know this was going to be 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:50.560 so hard, And so that was a real slap in 0:07:50.600 --> 0:07:54.160 the face. Eye opener. And my husband's cousin would say, 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:56.840 kids are like crack. You have one and then you 0:07:56.960 --> 0:07:59.600 kind of want to have another, even though it's like 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:00.640 for you. 0:08:04.200 --> 0:08:06.360 What were you doing professionally at the time. Did you 0:08:06.400 --> 0:08:08.640 feel like that was a real focus for you, equally 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:12.000 to trying to figure out how to have three kids. 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:16.600 Professionally At that time, before having kids and while dating 0:08:16.680 --> 0:08:19.200 and at the beginning of my marriage, I was working 0:08:19.480 --> 0:08:22.720 or actually I stopped working at this place right before 0:08:22.840 --> 0:08:25.960 I got married, or as around the time I got engaged, 0:08:26.080 --> 0:08:29.520 because I was working for this company that raised money 0:08:29.680 --> 0:08:33.400 for charities based out of Ireland, and all of the 0:08:33.400 --> 0:08:35.679 way that we did that was through hosting large events, 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:41.320 and all of the events and opportunities to entertain donors 0:08:41.600 --> 0:08:44.760 and be at parties all of the time and be 0:08:44.920 --> 0:08:48.560 traveling to other parties in different places was never going 0:08:48.600 --> 0:08:51.600 to be conducive to a mother of young children. So 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:53.280 I was kind of like, I got to wrap this 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:56.440 up and find a job that is going to be 0:08:56.679 --> 0:08:59.600 a little bit more friendly to motherhood because I really 0:08:59.679 --> 0:09:02.120 knew that I wanted kids, and I kind of figured 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:06.040 like I would go like a very vanilla traditional path 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:08.360 about it, where I was like, I'll get married and 0:09:08.400 --> 0:09:10.360 then I'll wait a year, and then I'll start trying 0:09:10.360 --> 0:09:12.120 to have kids, and I'll have a kid, and then 0:09:12.160 --> 0:09:14.400 all have another kid two years after that, and but 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:16.640 like I had it all planned out in my mind 0:09:16.679 --> 0:09:18.960 what I thought was going to be, which is of 0:09:18.960 --> 0:09:21.040 course never how it all turns out. 0:09:21.720 --> 0:09:24.200 So what you're describing right now, I think is a 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:27.240 lot of what we talk about, which is changing your 0:09:27.320 --> 0:09:31.240 version of success. Yes, that your version of success in 0:09:31.360 --> 0:09:35.080 that job, it sounds like, was being successful in the 0:09:35.120 --> 0:09:37.600 metrics of the job, raising money, putting on a bends, 0:09:37.640 --> 0:09:42.000 being present, all of that, and as your personal life evolved, 0:09:42.040 --> 0:09:45.160 like as your personal life changed, it was no longer 0:09:45.240 --> 0:09:47.200 meeting your your metric of success. 0:09:47.800 --> 0:09:51.240 Yeah, I mean in that sense, I will say quite 0:09:51.240 --> 0:09:53.920 honestly that I don't think I ever took that career 0:09:54.320 --> 0:09:57.840 path of mine and even the job that I got 0:09:57.920 --> 0:10:01.959 after that to continue working to too seriously, because in 0:10:02.000 --> 0:10:05.880 my mind I was going to become probably a stay 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:09.080 at home mom. So when I became pregnant with my 0:10:09.160 --> 0:10:11.720 first child, in my mind, I was like, that's it, 0:10:11.800 --> 0:10:13.920 I'm going to become a stay at home mom. I've 0:10:13.920 --> 0:10:15.760 been I've been ready for this, I've been this is 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:18.080 what I've been thinking I wanted to do, And then 0:10:18.200 --> 0:10:22.040 when the baby came, I was like, holy shit, I 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:25.120 want to go back to the office. This is so hard, 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:27.800 you know. I was so jealous of my husband, who 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:30.040 would be able to like skip out the front door 0:10:30.080 --> 0:10:32.760 and go get a coffee and like go to the 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:36.360 bathroom by himself and eat lunch and shit like that. 0:10:36.559 --> 0:10:39.200 And I was like, oh my god, this like is 0:10:39.320 --> 0:10:42.480 so different from what I imagined it would be. I 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:48.640 can't even begin to describe how duped I feel right now, honestly. 0:10:48.840 --> 0:10:52.080 And I had this conversation with my boss before I 0:10:52.200 --> 0:10:54.040 left to have the baby, and I was really honest 0:10:54.040 --> 0:10:55.480 and I said, you know, I don't want to trick 0:10:55.520 --> 0:10:57.360 you into thinking that I'm going to come back after 0:10:57.440 --> 0:10:59.880 a maternity leave or something. And she was like, Kaitlyn, 0:11:00.520 --> 0:11:04.320 take your maternity leave, and if you decide at the 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:06.199 end of that that you don't want to come back, 0:11:06.320 --> 0:11:08.760 I will be totally okay with that, but you might 0:11:08.880 --> 0:11:11.760 feel differently, like just take my word for it. And 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:16.000 she was like, we can restructure your like let you 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:18.520 come in on a part time basis. And that's what 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:20.680 I actually ended up doing. I went to down just 0:11:20.720 --> 0:11:23.960 three days a week in the office, and I was 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:28.240 so grateful for her for leaving that option open for me. 0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:31.800 That I didn't anticipate wanting to use. And it was 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.960 a real like a mental saving grace for me to 0:11:35.080 --> 0:11:38.360 have that. By the time, like I went back on 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:41.120 maternity leave, I thought, like you would think I would 0:11:41.160 --> 0:11:43.240 just be like crying, like, oh my god, I can't 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:46.720 leave my baby. I was skipping down my walkway to 0:11:46.800 --> 0:11:50.000 get out the door to work. Now. Granted, like I knew, 0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:52.280 I was also being part time and I would have 0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:55.120 time home with the baby, so I was very lucky 0:11:55.120 --> 0:11:58.160 to have that set of circumstances, but I was really 0:11:58.200 --> 0:12:00.280 shocked to feel the way that I felt. It was 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:04.840 a definitely like turned my world upside down moment. So 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:07.920 after I left that job that was like the fast 0:12:07.960 --> 0:12:11.080 paced party life, and I went to work in a 0:12:11.160 --> 0:12:15.120 different fundraising capacity but in a school, and I was 0:12:15.400 --> 0:12:18.840 dealing with high and neet worse individuals doing fundraising there, 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:23.760 and it was a very like much more structured like 0:12:24.360 --> 0:12:30.000 work life friendly environment. It was not these lavish party situations. 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:34.560 It was very PG everything, PGPC everything, and it was 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:37.080 great for like the purpose that it served at that 0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:39.520 time of my life. But I was not passionate about 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:42.080 where I was or what I was doing, and there 0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:44.640 came a point in time, but something's happened in my 0:12:44.760 --> 0:12:47.600 life that made it very clear that I needed to 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:48.960 be more at home. 0:12:51.040 --> 0:12:53.920 When we come back, we hear how Caitlin's life was 0:12:53.960 --> 0:13:07.280 turned upside down in a blink of an eye. After 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:11.600 finally finding her footing back at work, Caitlin received news 0:13:11.760 --> 0:13:13.400 that no mother wants to hear. 0:13:14.640 --> 0:13:18.560 So I had my first two while I was working there, 0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:23.160 when my oldest was three and my middle at the time, 0:13:23.200 --> 0:13:26.360 who was my youngest, was only one. My oldest was 0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:30.880 diagnosed with leukemia and that ended up obviously turning my 0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:34.240 whole world upside down. And the place where I worked 0:13:34.320 --> 0:13:38.280 was wonderful about that situation for me, and they allowed 0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:41.320 me to kind of like restructure my job however I 0:13:41.400 --> 0:13:44.080 wanted it to be at the time working from home 0:13:44.120 --> 0:13:47.600 as much as I needed or wanted indefinitely. And this 0:13:47.760 --> 0:13:50.920 was well before the pandemic, and working from home was 0:13:50.960 --> 0:13:54.240 like not as normalized as it is now, which was 0:13:54.280 --> 0:13:57.480 so nice. But this was a long process. My son 0:13:57.600 --> 0:14:00.360 was in treatment for over three years, and during time 0:14:00.400 --> 0:14:03.600 I also became pregnant with our third child, and he 0:14:03.679 --> 0:14:07.680 was born in May of twenty nineteen, and at that time, 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:10.840 my oldest who was still in treatment, was well enough 0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:14.120 to go back to school, but was still super fragile 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:16.640 and would have to go to the hospital right away 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:18.880 if he had a fever because he had a port 0:14:19.040 --> 0:14:22.160 in his chest, and I really needed to be readily 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:24.640 available and on call, and I couldn't be commuting into 0:14:24.640 --> 0:14:26.720 the city. We were living out in the suburbs at 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:28.400 that time. We still live out in the verbs, but 0:14:28.480 --> 0:14:31.240 I needed to be there immediately if he were to 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:34.640 get sick, and especially if he had become febrile. So 0:14:35.080 --> 0:14:39.920 I took that as my queue to exit the structured 0:14:40.240 --> 0:14:43.960 working world as it were. And that was really hard. 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:46.960 Even though I wasn't like super dedicated to my job 0:14:47.160 --> 0:14:50.480 and that career per se, it was something that was 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:53.040 mine that was not about being a mom, and it 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.680 was like this wonderful escape for me to just be 0:14:56.800 --> 0:15:00.320 working and doing something outside of my role as mom 0:15:00.320 --> 0:15:02.840 and caregiver. And to give that up felt like I 0:15:03.040 --> 0:15:07.320 was leaving this whole like part of my identity for 0:15:07.400 --> 0:15:10.200 grabs or just like a side and giving, you know, 0:15:10.280 --> 0:15:12.960 sort of giving up on that part of me. But 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:16.600 it and that's where that whole redefinition of success really 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:19.200 came into play, and I had to really focus on 0:15:19.280 --> 0:15:22.040 the fact that my most important and valued place at 0:15:22.040 --> 0:15:25.160 that time was with my kids. And you know, it 0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:27.160 was my honor to be there for my son when 0:15:27.160 --> 0:15:29.120 he was sick, and I would do it a thousand 0:15:29.200 --> 0:15:33.560 million times over. But for me personally, it did feel 0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:37.880 like I was making a deeper sacrifice of myself because 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:40.720 even though that job wasn't what I wanted, I knew 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:44.400 I wanted more personally for like a deeper sense of fulfillment. 0:15:45.160 --> 0:15:48.400 You talk about this identity shift like that you can 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:51.240 both things can be true. You can want to be 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:54.480 home with your kids and you had always wanted it, 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:58.320 and you can be sad about that loss of identity 0:15:58.360 --> 0:16:03.000 for yourself. To me, like, I'm guessing this, but your 0:16:03.040 --> 0:16:06.840 identity probably became your external identity. Probably became even more 0:16:06.920 --> 0:16:09.760 merged with your family life than an average mom who 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:11.360 would step away from her and be with her kids, 0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:14.360 because you became like the mom of the kid with cancer. Yeah, 0:16:14.360 --> 0:16:17.040 I was fully part of who I was and what 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:19.480 I had to be doing at the time. And this 0:16:19.560 --> 0:16:22.400 is where the huge part that I didn't expect and 0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:26.360 didn't envision came fully into play in my life was, 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:29.440 which was that I didn't want to be the full 0:16:29.440 --> 0:16:31.640 time stay at home mom. Like but this is where 0:16:31.640 --> 0:16:34.120 women have such a get the short end of the 0:16:34.120 --> 0:16:36.440 stick all of the time, because men don't have to 0:16:36.440 --> 0:16:39.360 feel that guilt about not being there for and with 0:16:39.400 --> 0:16:41.240 the kids, Like it is just a given that they 0:16:41.320 --> 0:16:44.640 will be working. It's always a given for them, and 0:16:44.680 --> 0:16:47.520 there's no question of who's going to if they're going 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:49.320 to be the ones to stay home, or if you're 0:16:49.360 --> 0:16:51.600 going to get help or what it's it's always on 0:16:51.840 --> 0:16:54.320 what's what is the woman going to do right? And 0:16:54.360 --> 0:16:55.359 there's always. 0:16:55.120 --> 0:16:59.560 Something that you have to set aside in any scenario. 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.320 I mean, unless you were like just fully in love 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:04.960 with being home with your kids and it works for 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:08.080 your family and the financial structure of your family, then 0:17:08.320 --> 0:17:10.320 I'm like, oh my god, you're so lucky that you 0:17:10.320 --> 0:17:13.000 don't have to feel the torment of being there but 0:17:13.119 --> 0:17:15.040 kind of not wanting to be there, but knowing that 0:17:15.080 --> 0:17:17.680 it's important for you to be there and that it's 0:17:17.720 --> 0:17:21.199 a valuable job and the hardest job and all of that. 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:27.119 To sort through her complicated emotions around it all, Caitlin 0:17:27.200 --> 0:17:29.240 turned to writing and started a blog. 0:17:30.200 --> 0:17:33.400 At the beginning, it definitely felt really heavy, and it 0:17:33.640 --> 0:17:36.600 was heavy. There were a period of months where I 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:39.320 honestly just like did not really feel like joking or 0:17:39.440 --> 0:17:42.520 laughing or didn't feel like I was able to access 0:17:42.560 --> 0:17:45.119 a lot of joy at that time. But what I 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:49.359 had started doing fairly early on in my son's treatment 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:53.560 process was writing to family and friends about not just 0:17:53.600 --> 0:17:57.720 like updates, but something more anecdotal, and I would talk 0:17:57.760 --> 0:18:02.160 about our lives altogether, what I was going through mentally 0:18:02.400 --> 0:18:05.000 as a mom at that time, and I was able 0:18:05.040 --> 0:18:09.359 to touch on and tap into humor there and really 0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:12.480 like let some stuff rip in my writing. That felt 0:18:12.560 --> 0:18:15.480 so good to be able to say, because I felt 0:18:15.480 --> 0:18:17.800 like I was still honoring, like the hard parts of 0:18:17.800 --> 0:18:21.480 what we were going through and then able to just 0:18:21.520 --> 0:18:23.680 get a little release and take the edge off a 0:18:23.760 --> 0:18:26.760 little bit with the humor. And little by little I 0:18:26.840 --> 0:18:29.920 continued to really tap into that and lean on it 0:18:30.000 --> 0:18:32.600 a lot as a coping mechanism for what we were 0:18:32.640 --> 0:18:35.919 going through. And it's one of those things where now 0:18:35.960 --> 0:18:38.640 on my Instagram account, all I do is make fun 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:41.919 of kids and the challenges and the struggles of what 0:18:42.080 --> 0:18:45.119 it really is like being a parent. And it's not 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:48.520 about the cancer stuff like it's about the every day, 0:18:48.560 --> 0:18:52.840 the mundane. It's stuff that I felt from the very 0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:55.520 beginning of becoming a mom. But I didn't know that 0:18:55.600 --> 0:18:58.359 it was like okay to talk about that stuff until 0:18:58.400 --> 0:19:01.760 I had started going through this difficult situation with my son, 0:19:01.880 --> 0:19:03.600 and I got through that. And I don't know if 0:19:03.600 --> 0:19:06.480 this is an expletive free podcast, but today it's not 0:19:06.520 --> 0:19:09.440 because I really didn't give a fuck about what anyone 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:12.800 felt or thought or said about what I had to 0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:15.040 say about what it was like to be a mom, 0:19:15.080 --> 0:19:17.720 and that at that time, because I was really in 0:19:17.760 --> 0:19:22.080 the trenches and I knew my worth and my value 0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:25.000 as a mom, I had a lot of conviction in that. 0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:28.119 Going through those really tough moments. Obviously you would never 0:19:28.160 --> 0:19:30.879 wish it upon anybody, but going through tough moments like 0:19:30.920 --> 0:19:34.159 that really does make you tougher to criticism because you 0:19:34.359 --> 0:19:38.600 really truly give a fuck less what people think and 0:19:38.640 --> 0:19:41.120 like how you process it, because you're like I made it, 0:19:41.680 --> 0:19:44.600 like I made it through or I'm making it right now, 0:19:44.680 --> 0:19:46.919 and so I'm really uninterested in how you judge me 0:19:46.960 --> 0:19:47.199 in it. 0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:51.160 Yeah, it's very freeing in a lot of ways of 0:19:51.320 --> 0:19:54.280 so many things, you know, in a way that I 0:19:54.320 --> 0:19:56.359 can't say that I always am good about this, but 0:19:56.480 --> 0:20:00.280 not getting bogged down as much by little things, or 0:20:00.520 --> 0:20:03.840 really appreciating and finding a ton of gratitude in the 0:20:03.880 --> 0:20:06.480 little things, which goes along with I think the like 0:20:06.640 --> 0:20:10.879 not caring about the things that aren't that important, such 0:20:10.920 --> 0:20:14.360 as someone else's opinion of you when it's not hurtful, 0:20:14.440 --> 0:20:16.760 you know, like when you're not like hurting anyone or 0:20:16.800 --> 0:20:18.880 doing something like what does it matter what you think? 0:20:18.920 --> 0:20:21.840 I'm saying how I feel and I'm talking about my experience. 0:20:21.920 --> 0:20:24.320 You know, I'm not telling you how you need to feel. 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:30.159 And she does this masterfully on her Instagram account. She 0:20:30.280 --> 0:20:33.600 showcases what's real and honest in a way that feels 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:38.639 both deeply unique and completely relatable. After the break, we 0:20:38.760 --> 0:20:41.560 dive into how and why Caitlyn decided to transition her 0:20:41.600 --> 0:20:52.840 blog over to social media. Welcome back to the show. 0:20:53.880 --> 0:20:56.840 After a few years of blogging, Caitlyn found her way 0:20:56.880 --> 0:21:00.160 to social media in a way might not expect through 0:21:00.200 --> 0:21:01.359 the publishing industry. 0:21:02.440 --> 0:21:05.800 And that's when I actually ended up getting started with 0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:09.720 my Instagram account, which took me to a whole new 0:21:09.760 --> 0:21:12.639 career path in a wonderful way that was sort of 0:21:12.680 --> 0:21:15.600 born out of this really difficult experience that I was 0:21:15.640 --> 0:21:19.840 going through. But all this to say that, like, your 0:21:20.000 --> 0:21:24.040 life can totally change, and there's so much room for 0:21:24.440 --> 0:21:28.639 different careers and endeavors that you may never have expected 0:21:28.920 --> 0:21:31.919 that are completely outside of what you've been trained to 0:21:31.960 --> 0:21:33.840 do or have done throughout your life. 0:21:34.720 --> 0:21:37.399 So when you made the transition, were people sending your 0:21:37.440 --> 0:21:38.159 blog around? 0:21:38.200 --> 0:21:38.280 Like? 0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:40.480 Did your blog start to go around as a public 0:21:40.520 --> 0:21:43.320 platform and then you transitioned it to an Instagram account? 0:21:43.480 --> 0:21:46.680 And why not use your name? When you started a bit? 0:21:46.840 --> 0:21:49.679 It did go around, but like very minimally, just like 0:21:49.760 --> 0:21:53.679 probably from a family friend network perspective, like it was 0:21:53.720 --> 0:21:56.720 definitely not reaching far and wide. And that is sort 0:21:56.720 --> 0:21:59.719 of what ended up propelling me to start my Instagram 0:21:59.720 --> 0:22:02.960 act out because a woman who lives in my town, 0:22:03.160 --> 0:22:07.000