1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:03,000 Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray. 2 00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to Stuff Mom Never Told You? 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:18,079 Speaker 1: From House to Wards dot Com. Hello, I'm Molly Edmunds 4 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,479 Speaker 1: and I'm Kristin Conger and welcome to our super south 5 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:26,800 Speaker 1: By Southwest Stuff Mom Never Told You podcast, Live Live 6 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:30,600 Speaker 1: Live I've Never told you. We talk a lot about 7 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:34,320 Speaker 1: gender and relationships and how the genders interact. So we've 8 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 1: spent a lot of time talking about monogamy and problems 9 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:42,559 Speaker 1: people have with monogamy, adultery, the seven year itch, and 10 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,559 Speaker 1: the idea that marriage for love is kind of a 11 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,720 Speaker 1: new idea when you look at the history of marriage. 12 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,720 Speaker 1: So that brings us to our topic for the day, 13 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:53,560 Speaker 1: which is one of our most requested podcast topics. Yeah, 14 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about polyamory today because, like you said, 15 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,960 Speaker 1: we've talked a lot about monogamy and especially the challenge 16 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:04,200 Speaker 1: is of being monogamous and staying faithful to one person 17 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,320 Speaker 1: for the rest of your life. And a group of 18 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:10,040 Speaker 1: people feel like they've kind of figured out the answer 19 00:01:10,319 --> 00:01:13,800 Speaker 1: to all these problems we have with monogamy, and that 20 00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 1: is polyamory. But before we talk about what polyamory is, Molly, 21 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: maybe you'd be better for us to first explain what 22 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: polyamory is. Not sure. We did one episode about the 23 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:29,600 Speaker 1: so called new monogamy, which is having sex with people 24 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:33,040 Speaker 1: outside of your marriage but not falling in love with them. Um, 25 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:36,160 Speaker 1: just the idea that you satisfy a physical urge. So 26 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:39,480 Speaker 1: people call it swinging, uh, an open marriage just you know, 27 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:43,560 Speaker 1: don't ask, don't tell, um. But that's one option. But 28 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,600 Speaker 1: polyamory takes it into the love spectrum and says that 29 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 1: you can maintain multiple emotional and physical relationships with your spouse, 30 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:54,760 Speaker 1: with an extra boyfriend, an extra girlfriend. Many people Yeah, 31 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,640 Speaker 1: and so polyamory is often referred to within the community 32 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 1: as ethical or responsible on monogamy and uh. Brett Hill, 33 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:06,440 Speaker 1: who is one of the public figures of the polyamory movement, 34 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:10,280 Speaker 1: calls it the next wave of human relationships. And that's 35 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,400 Speaker 1: basically because they really think that they have kind of 36 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 1: figured out, like I said, the solution to all of 37 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,720 Speaker 1: these quandaries with sticking with one person. Well, this idea 38 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,080 Speaker 1: that we're sold in romantic comedies and love songs is 39 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 1: that will find this other half that makes us whole. 40 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,120 Speaker 1: You're gonna find that perfect person that likes all the 41 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,360 Speaker 1: same movies you do, who is perfect in bed, who 42 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,360 Speaker 1: does all you know, just has the same hobbies, has 43 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,639 Speaker 1: the same parenting style. It's all gonna work. And rather 44 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,399 Speaker 1: than you know, settling for just this one person, these 45 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,120 Speaker 1: people adopting this lifestyle say you can get one thing 46 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 1: from one person and one thing from another person and 47 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,359 Speaker 1: keep on going. But rather than having a whole bunch 48 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,120 Speaker 1: of affairs. The reason the ethics comes into it is 49 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:50,680 Speaker 1: you say, hey, spouse, I'm going to be with this 50 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,639 Speaker 1: person on Monday and Tuesday, and I'm going to be 51 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,679 Speaker 1: with this person on Wednesday Thursday, and I'll see you 52 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,079 Speaker 1: for the weekend. Well, and they also might all get 53 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 1: together with the same person, and they organize different types 54 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:05,239 Speaker 1: of polyamorous relationships. UM buy something they referred to as 55 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:09,640 Speaker 1: poly geometry, because, as you can imagine, having multiple relationships 56 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,119 Speaker 1: with all these different people can get a little complicated. 57 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:16,640 Speaker 1: So you might have something such as a V which 58 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:20,880 Speaker 1: is a common poly geometric arrangement which you have UM 59 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:25,200 Speaker 1: typically a heterosexual, married couple, and UM there's one person 60 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,519 Speaker 1: who wants to have an outside relationship and they're considered 61 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,600 Speaker 1: the point in the V. So they have their husband 62 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: perhaps if it's a you know, a wife who wants 63 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 1: to branch out, so she's got one point of her 64 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 1: V with her with her hobby, and then she's got 65 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,720 Speaker 1: maybe a boyfriend or a girlfriend on the side right, 66 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,640 Speaker 1: and so that they are called the hinge of the 67 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 1: V because they're the ones that brings these two people together. 68 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 1: These two people may not be in a relationship together, 69 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 1: but they can be. That's sort of closing the V 70 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 1: into a triangle, which again is the geometry part. If 71 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 1: you're bad at math, I don't really know if polot 72 00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 1: polyamory works for you. But um, a triad is way 73 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,760 Speaker 1: and all three of these people are equally involved together romantically. 74 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,600 Speaker 1: So and one little fun I guess it might be 75 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,840 Speaker 1: weird to call us a fun tidbit, but interesting tidbit 76 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:15,000 Speaker 1: about the trial that we learned from a polyamory expert 77 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,800 Speaker 1: we talked to you from Georgia State University is that 78 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,800 Speaker 1: often with triads, it's a heterosexual married couple who bring 79 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 1: in what they refer to in the poly community as 80 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,920 Speaker 1: a hot bi babe. So it's typically um, the wife 81 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,960 Speaker 1: looking for a bisexual female partner to bring in and 82 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: complete their triangle. But it doesn't stop there. With a 83 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,720 Speaker 1: poly geometry, you can have a quad, which is it's 84 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:44,320 Speaker 1: typically two married couples who switch partners on an equal 85 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,640 Speaker 1: Basisly that's I mean, if you think it's hard enough 86 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,960 Speaker 1: to find one person that you love, imagined finding a 87 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,320 Speaker 1: whole other married couple in which everyone's compatible with um, 88 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,599 Speaker 1: and then you can just keep expanding your points. And 89 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,760 Speaker 1: you know, not everyone has to be related in the points. 90 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 1: You can read articles about how you'll start with the 91 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,240 Speaker 1: married couple and the wife will go over and have 92 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,960 Speaker 1: you know, four relationships over here, and the guy has 93 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,800 Speaker 1: some relationships over here, and so it can go on. 94 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,800 Speaker 1: I mean people people need or charts. You've got to 95 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: be really organized to maintain polyamory. Yeah, And so that 96 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,240 Speaker 1: leads up to the next question of how do you 97 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:19,479 Speaker 1: make this work? Because there's one story we read in 98 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,160 Speaker 1: the New York Times about polyamorous couples, and there was 99 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,839 Speaker 1: this one guy. I mean, he's living in Manhattan and 100 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:27,480 Speaker 1: he's dating like five separate women and he basically carries 101 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,760 Speaker 1: around when he goes into the city and overnight bag 102 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,560 Speaker 1: because he's just switching around from place to place which 103 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:36,640 Speaker 1: just sounds exhausting to me frankly. So in order to 104 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:41,159 Speaker 1: make polyamory work, clearly, you have to be good at communication, 105 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 1: especially with your primary partner, and scheduling. I mean, you've 106 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 1: got to figure out when you're gonna hang out with 107 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 1: all of these different people. Yeah, Google calendar is a big, 108 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 1: big asset the poly community. And again that communication. Do 109 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,560 Speaker 1: you have to be able to tell one spouse you know, hey, 110 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,359 Speaker 1: I it's not that I'm dissatisfied with you, it's not 111 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,200 Speaker 1: that I'm not in love with you. But you've got 112 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:06,159 Speaker 1: to be okay explaining why you're going to this other 113 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: person's house and why you need this other person to 114 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:12,280 Speaker 1: make you feel complete. And since polyamory has been coming 115 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,320 Speaker 1: up in the mainstream a lot recently, UM, there are 116 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:18,120 Speaker 1: also a lot of books and sites that people will referenced, 117 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,400 Speaker 1: such as probably the best known book is called The 118 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:24,120 Speaker 1: Ethical Slut. There's also books called Open Marriage, and there's 119 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:29,120 Speaker 1: even a Loving More magazine for polyamorous subscribers. And the 120 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 1: magazine is where we have most of our information about 121 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 1: who practices polyamory. And it's largely UM white people, UM 122 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:41,160 Speaker 1: middle aged, middle class and a large proportion of graduate 123 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 1: degrees of people who took one loving More survey had 124 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,919 Speaker 1: a graduate degree, you're higher compared to eight percent of 125 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:50,960 Speaker 1: the general population. So these are people who consider themselves 126 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,320 Speaker 1: very bright and uh and uh figured they can make 127 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 1: this work. Yeah, because again you probably need to have 128 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,880 Speaker 1: us some good education to figure out all that polygeomety um. 129 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,960 Speaker 1: But we asked Dr Chef from Georgia's State why polyamory 130 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,880 Speaker 1: might appeal to such a specific demographic, and her response 131 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 1: was really interesting. She said that in her research on 132 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 1: polyamorous couples, it definitely does appeal to um people of 133 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:20,280 Speaker 1: class and race privilege, because with that privilege, it makes 134 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,480 Speaker 1: it a lot easier for them to be more nonconformist 135 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,680 Speaker 1: because they can kind of fly under the radar of 136 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 1: the mainstream. They're not going to attract attention, say from 137 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 1: child welfare services if they're carrying out, you know, if 138 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,560 Speaker 1: they're involved in this kind of sexual subculture, whereas someone 139 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: who's in a minority and might not enjoy as much 140 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,760 Speaker 1: social privilege has more at risk. Right, And we're gonna 141 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 1: get into a little bit more about what fits the 142 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,800 Speaker 1: norm and how that can affect the people who are 143 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: practicing it. When we get into the drawbacks. But first, 144 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 1: let's talk about why you would even want to do 145 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 1: this in the first place, because Chris ni Vary alluded 146 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 1: to the fact that it sounds pretty exhausting. Um, it's 147 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,520 Speaker 1: a lot of communication. It's way more community naitian than 148 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:03,840 Speaker 1: than I can imagine. Um, So what are the benefits 149 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 1: of practicing polyamory. I mean, it's pretty apparent you can 150 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,400 Speaker 1: have a lot of variety. Yeah, you have a variety, 151 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,280 Speaker 1: you know. I mean it's not it's death still death 152 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 1: to you part but with you know, a little on 153 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,120 Speaker 1: the side. And sometimes you'll read trend pieces where they 154 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 1: basically admit, yeah, it's it's sprinkles on the cupcake. That 155 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,920 Speaker 1: is my life, you know, it's it's everything extra you 156 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 1: could possibly want. You get your cake and you eat 157 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:33,040 Speaker 1: it too, get your hot ye babe. Perhaps, but they 158 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:37,200 Speaker 1: say that rather than distancing themselves from their partners, being 159 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,080 Speaker 1: able to go outside relationship to get fulfilled in other 160 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 1: ways can bring them closer perhaps to that primary partner 161 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 1: or to the other people in their lives. Yeah, because 162 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 1: they have to practice very very open communication in order 163 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,080 Speaker 1: for this to uh to work, and also with all 164 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,559 Speaker 1: those people. Yeah, you get the benefits of perhaps um, 165 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,640 Speaker 1: you know, different sexual partners, but you also as you 166 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:02,080 Speaker 1: develop actual relationships with these other people, it brings more 167 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,360 Speaker 1: resources into your life. Especially you know, think about if 168 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,920 Speaker 1: you have kids, if you can't pick up you know, 169 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 1: a little Johnny from soccer practice, maybe someone else can. 170 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:15,120 Speaker 1: Who's in your your policircle. And one thing too about 171 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:18,320 Speaker 1: the polyamorous community that's UM relevant to this podcast in 172 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,400 Speaker 1: particular because we talk a lot about women's issues and 173 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,920 Speaker 1: about feminism and all of that, is that, um, polyamorous 174 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 1: communities are often upheld as being more gender equal. Right, 175 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,920 Speaker 1: people don't necessarily fall into those stereotypical roles of the 176 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,880 Speaker 1: husband goes to work and comes home and uh, does 177 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 1: you know sits in front of television because there's all 178 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:42,040 Speaker 1: this switching around, you don't fall into those you know, 179 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:44,680 Speaker 1: you know, those paths you fall into those those things 180 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:47,199 Speaker 1: that make you board. So it's sometimes upheld is a 181 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 1: really feminist community and there's a lot of choice, which 182 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:52,720 Speaker 1: is a really big hall mark of feminism. And one 183 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,560 Speaker 1: interesting thing too that Dr Chef pointed pointed out was 184 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,800 Speaker 1: that a lot of the research that's being done on 185 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:02,079 Speaker 1: polyamory is initiated by women scholars. It's something that they're 186 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 1: really interested in. And there was a survey of two 187 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,559 Speaker 1: and fifty polyamorous women that we saw in the New 188 00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:12,199 Speaker 1: Scientists asking why you know they were even interested in 189 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 1: initising these relationships, and their number one motivation is having 190 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 1: the opportunity to explore, especially outside the balands of um 191 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:25,319 Speaker 1: maybe traditional social morals, especially concerned with with gender roles. 192 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,840 Speaker 1: And it's important to distinguish this from polygamy, which we 193 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,880 Speaker 1: associate with the one man with the multiple wives. And 194 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,720 Speaker 1: the fact that in this community it's equal opportunity. Everyone 195 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,040 Speaker 1: gets a chance to bring in an extra partner. That's 196 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,160 Speaker 1: another reason why it's got this great reputation for women. 197 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 1: So but as you can imagine, as with any relationship, 198 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,840 Speaker 1: it's not it's not all roses well and you know, more, 199 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:52,240 Speaker 1: more people, more problems. Imagine the heartache you go through 200 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,520 Speaker 1: and say, espouses mother dies. Now imagine that all of 201 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:58,199 Speaker 1: your partners mother's die at the same time. I mean, 202 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,080 Speaker 1: it's whose funeral do you go to? I don't know, 203 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:05,280 Speaker 1: google calendar um gerald name out of a hat. And 204 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,040 Speaker 1: but that's when you bring back the communicate, communicate, communicate, 205 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 1: I mean, you know, that's that's a real life issue 206 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,839 Speaker 1: that someone might have to deal with. Hopefully everyone's mother 207 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 1: is not dying at the same time, but um, that's 208 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,000 Speaker 1: that's what you might have to deal with. But yes, 209 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,480 Speaker 1: you're you're multiplying the amount of problems you have, and 210 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 1: not just problems within your relationship. But let's say your 211 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,880 Speaker 1: boyfriend has a problem with his girlfriend that probably ricochets 212 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 1: throughout all of the relationships. So really the number one drawback, 213 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 1: of course to polyamory is the issue of jealousy. This 214 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: comes up in all the stories that you're going to 215 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:38,040 Speaker 1: read on polyamory, and you know, the anecdotes about polyamorous 216 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:41,760 Speaker 1: relationships because naturally, if you you know, there probably comes 217 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,800 Speaker 1: a point if you bring another person in that maybe 218 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 1: one partner might not do the one might get a 219 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,479 Speaker 1: little little said there are you know, there are anecdotes 220 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,520 Speaker 1: of um, you know, like one one partner catching a 221 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:58,360 Speaker 1: glimpse of their partner and their new new bow, uh 222 00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:01,880 Speaker 1: doing the doing the nasty. Can I say that self? 223 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:05,520 Speaker 1: I sawts Yes, Um, so that's yeah. Jealousy is a 224 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,360 Speaker 1: big thing. And if you look at the work of 225 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:11,000 Speaker 1: evolutionary biologists, they say we're never going to evolve from 226 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,880 Speaker 1: not feeling jealousy when our when our sexual dominance with 227 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,640 Speaker 1: the partners threatened. So some people say that people who 228 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:20,080 Speaker 1: practice this lifestyle are just you know, threatening. You know, 229 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 1: it's it's never gonna work, it's always gonna come back 230 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,559 Speaker 1: and haunt you. But when you read articles, these people 231 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,400 Speaker 1: talk about how jealousy is just this personal challenge they 232 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:31,840 Speaker 1: can overcome by communicating by this radical honesty, by assessing 233 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 1: themselves and figuring out what the issue is. So you'll 234 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,640 Speaker 1: always read these stories about people overcoming jealousy, like, yeah, 235 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,960 Speaker 1: I was jealous at first, but you know, I realized 236 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,040 Speaker 1: it was good for us. And then I got a 237 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,319 Speaker 1: girlfriend who sometimes you feel jealous just because you're the 238 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 1: only one in the relationship that doesn't have the extra partner. 239 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,360 Speaker 1: So yeah, I think I kind of like how they've 240 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 1: developed their own vocabulary around all of these issues and 241 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 1: spin it towards the positive. It's like, well, yeah, we 242 00:12:55,960 --> 00:13:00,360 Speaker 1: are jealous, uh, but then we practice radical honest ste 243 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 1: and we surpassed the jealousy when new relationship energy, i e. 244 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,400 Speaker 1: Jealousy of you know, the new love in someone else's 245 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:12,320 Speaker 1: life comes around. So it's like they're they're constantly like 246 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 1: progressing personally and then you know, break through the walls 247 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,960 Speaker 1: and and develop closer relationships. It's kind of interesting how 248 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,240 Speaker 1: they really do seem to always spin it to the positives. Well, 249 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,280 Speaker 1: and what they're trying to attain is another word they've 250 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 1: sort of made up called compersion, which is the feeling 251 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,360 Speaker 1: of being happy to watch your loved one find love 252 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:31,720 Speaker 1: with someone else, appreciate the new relationship energy for the 253 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 1: compersion that it will produce from the expanding poly geometry. 254 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: You know that sounds like a bumper sticker for the 255 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:40,559 Speaker 1: poly community. Have I ever heard one? I need to 256 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: write a book, I think. All right, another big drawback 257 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,439 Speaker 1: we want to talk about. You mentioned how for kids 258 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,560 Speaker 1: there are a lot of resources, but there's a really 259 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,000 Speaker 1: landmark case in this community that happened in when a 260 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,240 Speaker 1: woman named April Divilbis was on an MTV documentary about 261 00:13:56,280 --> 00:14:00,400 Speaker 1: polyamory and she had a small child and the child's 262 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,960 Speaker 1: grandmother on the paternal side saw this documentary and had 263 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,960 Speaker 1: the child removed from the home because she claimed the 264 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:09,240 Speaker 1: mother's lifestyle was a moral depraved the child had no 265 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 1: right to be there, and you know, the court reporters 266 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 1: would go in and observe the child and said, yeah, 267 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,559 Speaker 1: this this home is happy, healthy, the mom just has 268 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,439 Speaker 1: two boyfriends. But the judge took the kid away saying, 269 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 1: you know this is not this non environment for a child. Yeah, 270 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: he said it was morally depraved, and so they took 271 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,520 Speaker 1: the child away. And UM, I don't think I think 272 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,080 Speaker 1: you checked back up on this Molley and uh, she 273 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,480 Speaker 1: hasn't gotten the kid back. I don't think so. And 274 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,360 Speaker 1: it's really and it's the case. It comes up a 275 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: lot um in the polyamorous community, and it's one reason 276 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:39,800 Speaker 1: why there's a lot of secrecy involved, especially depending on 277 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 1: where you live. Dr Chef was telling us that if 278 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:46,160 Speaker 1: you're a polyamorous family living out on in San Francisco, 279 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,440 Speaker 1: you probably have a larger community and can be a 280 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,720 Speaker 1: little more open about it. But polymer's families stay in 281 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 1: Georgia where we are probably have to practice a little 282 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:59,280 Speaker 1: bit more um secrecy. But the interesting thing was to um, 283 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,440 Speaker 1: she was saying that it's not that hard for kids 284 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:06,200 Speaker 1: to sort of uh explain why they might have more 285 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,880 Speaker 1: than two adults in their life to their kids, just 286 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,360 Speaker 1: because you know, divorce is so common, it's not. You know, 287 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 1: you might have a stepdad's stepmom, biological mom and dad, aunts, uncles, 288 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 1: and a lot of times kids and other families will 289 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,080 Speaker 1: kind of come up with their own explanation for why 290 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:27,200 Speaker 1: little Johnny has you know, three moms and another thing. 291 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,720 Speaker 1: And well, so there's this big notice on one of 292 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,280 Speaker 1: the polyamory websites that if you have children, don't talk 293 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,920 Speaker 1: to the media, don't tell your coworkers, don't tell your friends, 294 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,200 Speaker 1: stay in the closet because the world's not ready for 295 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,160 Speaker 1: you and we have to protect your kids. And that 296 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,360 Speaker 1: can be an issue if someone gets divorced and a 297 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 1: spouse might come after the children. But what's interesting is 298 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 1: that despite this being you know, this quote unquote feminist movement, 299 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,760 Speaker 1: women are the ones who are more likely to stay 300 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,280 Speaker 1: secret about the fact that they have three partners besides 301 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,200 Speaker 1: a husband. Sure, because the social stigma of a woman 302 00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:00,680 Speaker 1: having more than one partner um is under standably a 303 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,560 Speaker 1: little bit harsher than a man having more than one partner. 304 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,640 Speaker 1: Because for women, they are typically labeled um I can't 305 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:11,080 Speaker 1: think of a softer word, but they're labeled sluts. Whereas 306 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,000 Speaker 1: and that's why that authory claimed ethical sluts as the 307 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,480 Speaker 1: polyamory Bible title, whereas been with more than one partner 308 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,480 Speaker 1: simply you know, following their own biological urges. They need 309 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:24,360 Speaker 1: to spread their seed. YadA, YadA, YadA. So uh, dr 310 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: chef that we talked to is doing this long term 311 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: study on children and polyamorous families. It's been going on 312 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,360 Speaker 1: for a decade now and she still has a few 313 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,200 Speaker 1: more years to figure out long term effects on these children. 314 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,520 Speaker 1: And as you might expect, the children turn out, you know, 315 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,200 Speaker 1: as well as they might have an anonymous family. Just 316 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 1: depends on the family you're raised in. It's not that's 317 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,320 Speaker 1: not the factor that's distinguishing anything. It's all about whether 318 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,920 Speaker 1: the home is healthy in other ways. But so far 319 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,320 Speaker 1: she's finding with the kids she's interview that they like 320 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,800 Speaker 1: the lifestyle, that they liked the resources that they're brought into. Well, 321 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,240 Speaker 1: I mean, it all comes down to that issue of resources. 322 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,440 Speaker 1: And it reminds me actually of a search here that 323 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,360 Speaker 1: I talked to for a Discovery News article who did 324 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,560 Speaker 1: a similar study on whether or not UM kids have 325 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:10,560 Speaker 1: any different developmental outcomes if they're raised by UM homosexual 326 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,520 Speaker 1: parents versus heterosexual parents. And of course the answer is 327 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 1: the kids are fine, and it's all based on the 328 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 1: parental resources you can have. UM, if you have straight 329 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,920 Speaker 1: parents who are providing you know, the homework help, picking 330 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,160 Speaker 1: them up and taking them, you know, to them all 331 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,120 Speaker 1: in school and giving them all the resources that they need, 332 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: clearly homosexual parents can provide the same kinds of resources 333 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 1: and same thing with with polyamorous families. Now, Chef did 334 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,960 Speaker 1: make the point there to say that with these kids 335 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,080 Speaker 1: that she's been following for a decade, there is one 336 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 1: methodological caveat that she makes in that all of these 337 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:52,280 Speaker 1: kids are products of long term polyamorous families. UM, she 338 00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:54,800 Speaker 1: hasn't really talked to kids who have who have had 339 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:59,119 Speaker 1: to go through UM situations where they might dissolve the 340 00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:02,480 Speaker 1: vise all the geometry kind of breaks up, because in 341 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 1: plenty of situations that will happen. So she's basically saying 342 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:10,520 Speaker 1: that this is a more optimistic viewpoint. But at the 343 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,880 Speaker 1: same time, I think you can kind of extrapolate her 344 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,560 Speaker 1: results with that and say that, you know, it's it 345 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:19,040 Speaker 1: comes down to resources, just like with with any family, right, 346 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,560 Speaker 1: but because it's so outside the norm of what you 347 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,119 Speaker 1: know is considered what we should be aiming for, in 348 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 1: terms of one man, one woman forever. I think that's 349 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,080 Speaker 1: why those kids get put under such a spotlight um 350 00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:32,440 Speaker 1: of whether they're going to turn out okay. But Dr 351 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,000 Speaker 1: Chef did raise one really interesting point, which I think 352 00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:36,560 Speaker 1: is kind of a good note to end on, is 353 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,560 Speaker 1: that when the geometry does fall apart these people, you know, 354 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,840 Speaker 1: while they have all these adults, their adults might leave. 355 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,320 Speaker 1: They might become really attached to a partner, and the 356 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:49,680 Speaker 1: partner leads because breaks up with the mom. And she's 357 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 1: saying that perhaps these kids become a little bit emotionally 358 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,760 Speaker 1: mature because they learned the life skill of how relationships 359 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,640 Speaker 1: break up, and they might have more examples of that 360 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,600 Speaker 1: and healthy ways to deal with it than just a divorce, 361 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:03,760 Speaker 1: which would be the only other example that a kid 362 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,919 Speaker 1: in a monogonamous situation would have. So she's saying, you know, 363 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,840 Speaker 1: if if mom's boyfriend leaves, you learn pretty early on 364 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,440 Speaker 1: how to deal with the fact that relationships change, the 365 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,040 Speaker 1: relationships evolved, and you have to say goodbye to some people. 366 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,760 Speaker 1: But that just means you might welcome someone else in 367 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,639 Speaker 1: their place. And she's saying that that's a pretty interesting 368 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: spin on the emotional skills these kids might be picking up. Yeah, 369 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:27,439 Speaker 1: and I think with those examples too, that that happens 370 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,879 Speaker 1: a lot more for kids who might be born into 371 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,880 Speaker 1: polly families, um where uh you know, once they're born, 372 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,480 Speaker 1: they're raised with this lifestyle and kind of talk from 373 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,320 Speaker 1: the get go that this is how mom and dad 374 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:44,080 Speaker 1: and and mom and mom and dad live. And they 375 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,360 Speaker 1: might uh, like you said, have a little bit more 376 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,840 Speaker 1: of a of a realistic, in a kind of strange 377 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:54,639 Speaker 1: way understanding um of relationships, because like you said, relationships 378 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:58,119 Speaker 1: can evolve. You know, maybe a boyfriend evolves into just 379 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 1: a family friend and not someone who stays night, or 380 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:05,119 Speaker 1: maybe he never comes over again. But again it's like, uh, 381 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,920 Speaker 1: you know, just like what happens in monogamous relationships. Sometimes 382 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,720 Speaker 1: that's right, I mean, either way, when you're choosing to 383 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:15,000 Speaker 1: love someone, you're taking a chance. Uh. Polyamorous people happen 384 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,719 Speaker 1: to take a lot more chances than some other people do. 385 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,560 Speaker 1: But um, that is the lesson she's saying we can 386 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,399 Speaker 1: all take from this is that love is a chance, 387 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,679 Speaker 1: and when you take it, sometimes good things happen and 388 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,280 Speaker 1: you expand your resources if you're practicing polyamory, and sometimes 389 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,480 Speaker 1: you learn a lesson to move on. So yeah, and 390 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 1: and I think that you do have to uh to 391 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,520 Speaker 1: take into account all of the potential complications coming your way. 392 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,840 Speaker 1: And it's not I don't think that polyamory is anything 393 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 1: that you should just jump into lightly. But I think 394 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,640 Speaker 1: it's pretty fascinating that this is the number one most 395 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,800 Speaker 1: requested topic we've had from listeners. So I don't really 396 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,879 Speaker 1: know what that says about what's going on in society 397 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,879 Speaker 1: these days, but it was it was definitely fun to 398 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,760 Speaker 1: talk to Dr Chef and get the inside scoop on 399 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,280 Speaker 1: what's really happening. And if you'd like to learn more 400 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,760 Speaker 1: about poly marine that we mentioned some books. There are 401 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 1: tons of websites because the Internet is fueling the growth 402 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,720 Speaker 1: of this community, and one website in particular that you 403 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,400 Speaker 1: might want to check out for an article on this 404 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 1: is how stuff Works dot com, where we have how 405 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:15,000 Speaker 1: pollyam Ray Works written by this lady right here, Molly. 406 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:23,479 Speaker 1: It's pretty good for moralness and thousands of other topics. 407 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,760 Speaker 1: Is it how stuff works dot com. To learn more 408 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,600 Speaker 1: about the podcast, goog on the podcast icon in the 409 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,720 Speaker 1: upper right corner of our homepage. The How Stuff Works 410 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,040 Speaker 1: I fone app has a ride. Download it today on iTunes, 411 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,520 Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray. 412 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:43,920 Speaker 1: It's ready, Are you