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Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. The

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Speaker 1: Republican Party, the wholly owned subsidiary of Vladimir Putin, and

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Speaker 1: the government of Russia faced, to paraphrase Winston Churchill, the

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Speaker 1: bleak choice between war and shame. It has chosen shame,

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Speaker 1: and it will get war thrown in a little later.

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Speaker 1: This is simply true. The United States is not helping Ukraine.

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Speaker 1: Ukraine is helping the United States. Ukraine is fighting our

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Speaker 1: war at the cost of its lives, at the cost

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Speaker 1: of its territory, at the cost of the existence through

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Speaker 1: which its people must suffer daily to protect us from Russia.

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Speaker 1: And the Republicans are sending Vladimir Zelenski home to in

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Speaker 1: all probability watch his nation and his people die, because

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Speaker 1: the Republicans are no longer connected in any way to reality.

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Speaker 1: All issues are political machinations and nothing else. All crises

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Speaker 1: are opportunities to get on Fox News, and nothing else.

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Speaker 1: All good causes are to be held hostage so that

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Speaker 1: fascism in America can take away a little bit more

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Speaker 1: freedom and even a little bit more morality from the nation.

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Speaker 1: The Republican Party has repeatedly raped is Ukraine. Acting in

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Speaker 1: its own defense, obviously, and it is to once again

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Speaker 1: repurpose the infamous George W. Bush phrase, fighting them over

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Speaker 1: there so we don't have to fight them over here

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Speaker 1: as well. They are the Russians, and their fascist madman's

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Speaker 1: dreams are as non secret as ours are. He wants

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Speaker 1: to establish a country the size and the composition of

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Speaker 1: the former Soviet Union. That would be all of Ukraine, Estonia, Georgia, Belarus, Latvia,

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Speaker 1: half a dozen more, and that's controlled by proxy of

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Speaker 1: what is now Chechia and Slovakia, Romania, Hungary, Bulgaria, Albania, Poland,

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Speaker 1: and half of Germany half of Germany. Putin's response to

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Speaker 1: what the Republicans handed him. The Russians have already carpet

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Speaker 1: bombed Kiev this morning, and the Republican Party held the

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Speaker 1: door open for the fighter jets, just as it tried

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Speaker 1: to hold the door open for Adolf Hitler and the

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Speaker 1: Blitzkrieg to subsume Europe eighty five years ago. It will

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Speaker 1: let Putin in and blame the Democrats about the Mexican border,

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Speaker 1: because the Republicans and the Republicans alone see a connection

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Speaker 1: between a foreign dictator trying to absorb our allies and

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Speaker 1: restart the full scale Cold War. Some connection between that

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Speaker 1: and immigration, which the Republicans do not actually want to

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Speaker 1: solve anyway, because the point of the quote border crisis

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Speaker 1: is to make sure that there is always a border crisis,

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Speaker 1: so the Republicans can scare their voters with it. And

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Speaker 1: yet when Joe Biden says, fine, whatever you children want,

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Speaker 1: we can couple these utterly unrelated issues. Let's resolve everything,

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Speaker 1: the Republicans response to that was no, and we're going

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Speaker 1: on vacation. And Mike Johnson says he will need to

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Speaker 1: see a detailed playscript on exactly how President Zelenski is

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Speaker 1: going to win. And you think, man, would I pay

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Speaker 1: good money to see Mike Johnson at the Ukrainian Front

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Speaker 1: and get to watch him break all known lands records

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Speaker 1: while running away the weasley little coward that he is.

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Speaker 1: David From and I don't have a lot of use

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Speaker 1: for each other, but David From has nailed it. On

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Speaker 1: December sixth, he writes in The Atlantic, Chuck Schumer issued

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Speaker 1: the following invitation to the Republicans. Write an amendment detailing

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Speaker 1: everything you want, and the Democratic Senate majority will let

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Speaker 1: you bring it to the floor for a clean vote.

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Speaker 1: That offer was rejected by Senate Republicans. How do you

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Speaker 1: get to yes when the other side refuses to state

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Speaker 1: its terms? From went further still, a lot of House

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Speaker 1: Republicans do not much care about enacting laws and solving problems.

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Speaker 1: Aaron Sorkin and I also don't have a lot of

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Speaker 1: use for each other. But he also nailed it years

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Speaker 1: ago in his script for the Michael Douglas movie The

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Speaker 1: American President. I'm swapping in real life names here for

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Speaker 1: the obstructionist conservative Sorkin dreamed up, quoting, whatever your particular

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Speaker 1: problem is, I promise you Mike Johnson and Mitch McConnell

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Speaker 1: and Dementia J. Trump are not the least bit interested

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Speaker 1: in solving it. They are interested in two things, and

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Speaker 1: two things only, making you afraid of it and telling

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Speaker 1: you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen,

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Speaker 1: is how you win elections. So the Republicans, And if

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Speaker 1: you want a tonally different cultural analogy, anybody know their

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Speaker 1: doctor who the Republican daleks send Zelensky, who has been

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Speaker 1: doing our work for us back to Ukraine. Because Biden

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Speaker 1: and Schumer and the Democrats will compromise on the imaginary

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Speaker 1: border crisis and will give the Republicans what they claim

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Speaker 1: to want. It's a Republican win win, and they say no,

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Speaker 1: because the Republicans are not here to govern, nor even

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Speaker 1: to rule. They are here to destroy. All is over.

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Speaker 1: Winston Churchill also said in nineteen thirty eight about Czechoslovakia,

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Speaker 1: a part of the place that Putin wants back. Churchill

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Speaker 1: said this in nineteen thirty eight about Czechoslovakia, and I

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Speaker 1: will again update his quote. Silent, mournful, abandoned, broken, Ukraine

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Speaker 1: recedes into the darkness. She has suffered in every respect

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Speaker 1: by her association with the Republican Party. I venture to

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Speaker 1: think that in future the Ukrainian state cannot be maintained

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Speaker 1: as an independent entity. I think you will find that

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Speaker 1: at a period of time which may be measured by years,

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Speaker 1: but may be measured only by months, Ukraine will be

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Speaker 1: engulfed in the Putin regime. If so, the Republicans will

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Speaker 1: then caucus and confer and wring their hands and pretend

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Speaker 1: to pray and hope they can find the answer to

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Speaker 1: the question who do we get to blame this time? Now,

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Speaker 1: there are people who know who to credit here. The

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Speaker 1: President spelled it out yesterday. I would like it if

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Speaker 1: he swore more. But otherwise this gets to the point.

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Speaker 2: A host of a Kremlin run show literally said, I quote,

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Speaker 2: well done, Republicans, that's good for us. End of quote.

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Speaker 2: Let me say it again. This host of a Kremlin

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Speaker 2: run show said, well done, Republicans, that's good for us.

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Speaker 2: That's a Russian speaking. If you're being celebrated by Russian propagandists,

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Speaker 2: it might be time to rethink what you're doing.

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Speaker 1: On his own authority, the President was able to give

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Speaker 1: Zelenski what the White House describes as up to two

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Speaker 1: hundred million dollars in military aid and support. God knows

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Speaker 1: when the next dollar will be or where it will

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Speaker 1: come from. It still confounds me that the Republicans are

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Speaker 1: actually opposing a guns and b milit terry spending which

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Speaker 1: ultimately winds up in the pockets of America's war industry.

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Speaker 1: Hell Bush and Dick Cheney connived an entire decade long

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Speaker 1: war in Iraq to do that. Here's Biden doing it

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Speaker 1: for them, and the Republicans are stopping him. Even just

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Speaker 1: from their own viewpoint, the Republicans are idiots and There is,

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Speaker 1: of course, a further irony here. Whatever the Republicans really

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Speaker 1: want at the border in exchange for Ukraine aid, and

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Speaker 1: at the border bluntly, what they want is to expel

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Speaker 1: all non European white immigrants who are here legal or otherwise,

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Speaker 1: and then build some sort of wall behind them, miles

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Speaker 1: and miles of wall, at least three or four miles,

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Speaker 1: but with a thousand live stream cameras focused on it,

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Speaker 1: so they and Trump can pretend they are fulfilling their

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Speaker 1: promises to their masochistic, slavish subhuman cult, so they can

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Speaker 1: constantly televise and broadcast the suffering and the despair of

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Speaker 1: the people Trump happens to hate that true goal, that

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Speaker 1: wall will be blown over in the coming wind, and

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Speaker 1: possibly literally. If the Republicans really did want to control immigration, First,

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Speaker 1: the Democrats have already offered them a deal they don't deserve,

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Speaker 1: to say nothing of a deal that immigrants certainly don't

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Speaker 1: deserve in negative terms. But secondly, and longer term, if

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Speaker 1: the Republicans really did want to control immigration, they and

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Speaker 1: not liberals, would be leading the fight against climate change.

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Speaker 1: Because if the Trumpists think this quote migrant surge unquote,

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Speaker 1: which brings our country people who are provably statistically harder, working,

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Speaker 1: less violent, more respectful of the law than every native

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Speaker 1: born conservative. If they think this is a problem, wait

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Speaker 1: until the climate refugees begin coming to our border, and

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Speaker 1: as it gets hotter and hotter in more and more

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Speaker 1: of the world, in which human beings just will not

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Speaker 1: be able to survive any longer. Where do the Republicans

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Speaker 1: think those people will go. Do they expect those people

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Speaker 1: will stay near the equator to be slowly roasted alive

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Speaker 1: because they don't have the right passport, or do they

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Speaker 1: expect that they will come here just to try to survive?

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Speaker 1: And this does not even begin to address the reality

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Speaker 1: that as resources dry up and chaos increases in Latin America,

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Speaker 1: in South America and elsewhere, those with political power there

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Speaker 1: will survive, and those without political power there will not survive.

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Speaker 1: And guess what, those without it will be fleeing those

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Speaker 1: countries indirectly because of climate change, and they may already

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Speaker 1: be doing so now. So good luck with your wall boys.

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Speaker 1: Let's see what good it does you when it isn't

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Speaker 1: two and a half million people a year, but two

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Speaker 1: and a half million people a week. If the Ukraine

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Speaker 1: topic did not make it clear how unserious the Republicans

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Speaker 1: are the impeachment of Joe Biden for something. We'll figure out.

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Speaker 1: We'll figure out something right now. It says here we've

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Speaker 1: proven he is illegally the illegal father of the illegal

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Speaker 1: Hunter Biden, which is illegal. This continues with the kind

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Speaker 1: of precision and rectitude reserved for such cataclysms of government.

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Speaker 1: Speaker Johnson tweeted yesterday that the impeachment inquiry vote would

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Speaker 1: be within hours. Then he deleted that and replaced it

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Speaker 1: with another tweet that said the impeachment inquiry vote would

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Speaker 1: be no time frame at all, just that it will happen.

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Speaker 1: Mike Johnson is an ass clown and he may be

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Speaker 1: the sharpest of the lot. This is Democratic Congress and

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Speaker 1: Joe Neguse of Colorado trying to get a simple answer

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Speaker 1: out of an appropriately simple man, Chief Republican Deputy whip

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Speaker 1: Guy Russian Faller. The question, Guy, is what is the

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Speaker 1: crime you want to investigate and impeach Joe Biden for?

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Speaker 3: What is the specific constitutional crime that you're investigating. Well,

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Speaker 3: we're having an inquiry, so we can do an investigation,

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Speaker 3: call the production of witnesses and what is the crime

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Speaker 3: you invest in documents high crimes, misdemeanors? And Bracken, what

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Speaker 3: high crimes or are you investigating? Look, I will, once

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Speaker 3: I get time, I will explain what we're looking at,

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Speaker 3: and I will make the equivalent. See, I'm just asking

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Speaker 3: you for that impeachment.

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Speaker 1: Of course, Russian Thaller can't give a straight answer to

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Speaker 1: say we're doing this to please Trump, so he can

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Speaker 1: say Biden was also impeached. That makes you look like

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Speaker 1: an idiot, even to a Trump voter. And if that's

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Speaker 1: what they want, an idiot and guy Russian Baller, the

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Speaker 1: Republicans have found the right man. The quote I read

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Speaker 1: from the American President earlier gets more and more valid,

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Speaker 1: consumes more and more of the Republican Party every day.

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Speaker 1: There is no longer any policy advocacy, no longer any governance,

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Speaker 1: no longer any bare minimum of reality, not even reality

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Speaker 1: based slander. Yesterday, Rudy Giuliani finished his second day of

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Speaker 1: insisting he's not guilty of defaming Ruby Freeman and Shay

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Speaker 1: Moss and will prove everything he said is true, while

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Speaker 1: his attorney continued to try to prove to the court

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Speaker 1: that yes, will Rudy is guilty of defaming Ruby Freeman

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Speaker 1: and Shay Moss, he shouldn't have to pay for the

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Speaker 1: damage to their lives. One would think being a living,

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Speaker 1: breathing self contradiction would cause Rudy's head to split open

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Speaker 1: and all the pez candies inside the fall out. But no,

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Speaker 1: he could go out there after the trial day ended

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Speaker 1: yesterday and seriously play his last and no doubt decisive

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Speaker 1: card the answer of all answers. Ruby Freeman and Shay

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Speaker 1: Moss are conspired with Hunter Biden. It can't be ignored

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Speaker 1: that the chief lawyer represented Barisma and is close to

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Speaker 1: Hunter Biden.

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Speaker 4: Gottlieb represented the crooked company Barisma, which is alleged.

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Speaker 1: To have paid five million dollars to Hunter Biden. Having

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Speaker 1: deployed his secret Hunter Biden death ray and gotten not

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Speaker 1: acquittal but only laughter. There really isn't left anything for

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Speaker 1: Rudy to even make up. Well, one thing. There is

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Speaker 1: one more magic word Rudy could still throw out there

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Speaker 1: in his self defense. It was used yesterday on the

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Speaker 1: floor of the House by Congressman Andy Harris of Maryland,

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Speaker 1: a Navy veteran who knows military crises firsthand. Ukraine the

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Speaker 1: nightmare in the Gaza strip in Israel, for Kina, Fasso, Nizer,

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Speaker 1: everything else in the world today. And of course, the

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Speaker 1: real threat to the American fighting man and woman, the

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Speaker 1: threat that Juliani will no doubt refer to later today.

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Speaker 5: One of the greatest threats to our secure national security

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Speaker 5: is a woke military. And nothing exemplifies a woke military

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Speaker 5: as much as the National Defense Authorization Act that's going

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Speaker 5: to come before this body at a conference report that

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Speaker 5: allows transgender surgery to continue to be funded in the

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Speaker 5: US military. Now, I can guarantee you that Russia and

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Speaker 5: China aren't using their military dollars to pay for transgender surgery.

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Speaker 5: But here in the United States we are, we will,

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Speaker 5: and if this House and the Senate passed the conference report,

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Speaker 5: that will be the official US policy. Madam Speaker, that's

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Speaker 5: not defense to the nation. That's a woke military that

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Speaker 5: endangers our nation's security.

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Speaker 1: And he's an anesthesiologist. Andy is also the son of

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Speaker 1: an anesthesiologist, and he was also a Navy anesthesiologist. So

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Speaker 1: Andy is an anesthesiologist veteran. As you just heard. I'll

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Speaker 1: take odds of six to five that anaesthesiologist Andy is

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Speaker 1: high on his own supply. The military in China and Russia, Andy,

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Speaker 1: they're slaves ours. Andy is an all volunteer military, US Army, Navy,

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Speaker 1: Air Force, Space Force, all of them. They have to

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Speaker 1: offer medical deals that are at least as good as

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Speaker 1: the one Amazon offers. Nit Wit. Lastly, if you have,

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Speaker 1: in the middle of the night woke, No, there's that

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Speaker 1: word again. If you have awakened in the middle of

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Speaker 1: the night wringing your hands, wondering how in the hell

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Speaker 1: any percentage of this country can still support the Republicans

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Speaker 1: with not just a fascist agenda, but a fascist agenda

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Speaker 1: made out of cardboard at string and slogans and no

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Speaker 1: substance of any kind, not even bad ideas put into practice.

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Speaker 1: A yeah me too. B Remember that at least a

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Speaker 1: third of them are masochists who want an authoritarian leader

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Speaker 1: to tell them how they are required to live their lives.

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Speaker 1: But see the assumption that the current electoral mood that

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Speaker 1: is assumed to tilt towards Trump and the end of democracy.

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Speaker 1: The assumption that that will still be like this ten

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Speaker 1: months from now is just that, an assumption on top

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Speaker 1: of an assumption one month ago. American media, including the

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Speaker 1: so called liberal media stopped all talking and in fact,

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Speaker 1: stopped all breathing, because the New York Times polls had

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Speaker 1: Trump beating Biden and beating him badly in the swing

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Speaker 1: states of Arizona, Georgia, and Michigan, Nevada, and Pennsylvania, and

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Speaker 1: the smallest margin in any one of the states was

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Speaker 1: four points. Odd, then, wasn't it that the Times and

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Speaker 1: CNN and the Washington Post and the rest of the

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Speaker 1: media political industrial complex devoted almost no time yesterday and

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Speaker 1: we'll surely devote no time today to the IPSOS poll

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Speaker 1: for Reuters that showed that in seven swing states Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Nevada, Pennsylvania,

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Speaker 1: and North Caro Carolina and Wisconsin, the margin right now

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Speaker 1: is Biden by four points, Biden by four points. And oh,

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Speaker 1: by the way, Reuters and IPSOS also found that just

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Speaker 1: a little of Trump's support hinges on him not being

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Speaker 1: convicted in DC, or in Florida, or in Georgia, or

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Speaker 1: in New York City or in New York State slash

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Speaker 1: Stormy Daniels or in New York State slash business fraud.

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Speaker 1: Thirty one percent of Republicans, according to the IPSOS poll

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Speaker 1: say that if he is convicted of a felony crime

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Speaker 1: by jury, they will not vote for him. And if

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Speaker 1: thirty one percent of Republicans do not vote for Trump,

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Speaker 1: Biden is going to win by two hundred and fifty

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Speaker 1: electoral votes. Funny they didn't cover those polls yesterday. Maybe

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Speaker 1: next time Reuters should include the important issues to get

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Speaker 1: fuller coverage, you know, the important issues. Woke and Hunter

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Speaker 1: Biden Christ also have interest here. They are cutting up

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Speaker 1: the suit Trump ward to his mugshot and selling it

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Speaker 1: for four six hundred and fifty three dollars per piece.

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Speaker 1: So when they cut it up, was he still in it?

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Speaker 1: That's next? This is countdown.

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Speaker 6: This is countdown with Keith Olberman. This is Sports Center. Wait,

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Speaker 6: check that not anymore. This is countdown with Keith Alberman

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Speaker 6: in sports Dateline. Verdon Manitoba, Canada, Move.

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Speaker 1: Over, Al Michaels, because if you really do even miracles.

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Speaker 1: The greatest miraculous call in the history of hockey play

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Speaker 1: by play has been recorded as the Verdint Oil Capitals

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Speaker 1: of the Manitoba Junior Hockey League beat the Steinbach Pistons

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Speaker 1: two to one on an overtime goal by Rue Beazen,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not really sure that any of those details

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Speaker 1: are included in this epic bit of sports play by

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Speaker 1: play broadcasting history.

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Speaker 4: But so what Joey b Lacassidy turns back. Looks like

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Speaker 4: they're doing a little reversity you might see in football.

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Speaker 4: And here comes Bezins's the phasis with the d oh

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Speaker 4: look at that, look at this, look at.

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Speaker 1: That, look at that, look at this, look at that,

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Speaker 1: an apparent callback to an episode of the animated TV

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Speaker 1: series Bob's Burgers. But who knows for sure? And who

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Speaker 1: knows is the theme of this because while the call

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Speaker 1: has gotten widespread viral play, even when the Verdin team

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Speaker 1: tweeted it out, they did not mention the name of

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Speaker 1: the announcer. Now, their team website claims they have two

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Speaker 1: play by play men, a Dave Chalner and a Doug Roach.

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Speaker 1: There is a postgame interview by mister Challner bouncing around

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Speaker 1: on the internet, and the guy doing it doesn't sound

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Speaker 1: anything like this clip, so one assumes this is Dave Roach,

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Speaker 1: the greatest playby play man in world history.

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Speaker 4: Looks like they're doing a little reversity you might see

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Speaker 4: in football, And here comes Basins Fish with the.

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Speaker 1: D oh oh, look at that. Look at this, Look

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Speaker 1: at that. You know who that is? That's that's Carl

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Speaker 1: Speckler from Caddyshack's the Whole. Look at this, look at that.

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Speaker 1: It's in the whole dateline Kansas City, mister Roach, or,

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Speaker 1: in case I'm wrong, mister Challner may want to apply

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Speaker 1: for Tony Romo's job on CBS TV football coverage. His

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Speaker 1: first two years in broadcasting, Romo was fresh, informed, exciting, droll,

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Speaker 1: and then something bad happened. He is now possibly the

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Speaker 1: worst color analyst in sports. And we're not just talking

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Speaker 1: about the strategic subtleties of the game, which he used

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Speaker 1: to be able to predict. Fifteen or twenty minutes in advance.

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Speaker 1: Romo was asked to talk over the easiest image from

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Speaker 1: all of sports for the year twenty twenty three, A

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Speaker 1: shot of Taylor Swift in a luxury box watching her

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Speaker 1: boyfriend Travis Kelcey of the Kansas City Chiefs. And first

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Speaker 1: he froze, and then he got it wrong, as you see.

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Speaker 1: Then there were three seconds of agonizing silence and then

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Speaker 1: quoting Tony Romo Kelsey's wife Taylor Swift in the audience.

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Speaker 1: Now I'm serious about this last point. I'm actually worried

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Speaker 1: about Tony Romo's health because, besides marrying Travis Kelcey and

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Speaker 1: Taylor Swift without their knowledge, when was the last time

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Speaker 1: anybody with their full wits referred to to the crowd

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Speaker 1: at a football game anywhere as quote the audience still

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Speaker 1: to come on countdown? You ever climbed a rock? I

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Speaker 1: mean a real, like twenty foot tall rock? You ever

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Speaker 1: climbed a rock in a business suit? Have you ever

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Speaker 1: climbed a rock in a business suit and in brand

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Speaker 1: new dress shoes that have been polished to an amazing

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Speaker 1: gloss by continual exposure to sand and rain. I have,

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Speaker 1: and I have lived to tell you about it, but

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Speaker 1: not after first I fell about twenty feet off that rock.

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Speaker 1: Things I promised not to tell next first time for

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Speaker 1: the daily roundup of the miss Grants, morons and Dunning

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Speaker 1: Kruger effect specimens who constitute today's worst persons in the world,

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Speaker 1: And that day I would have been on this list.

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Speaker 1: The bronze COP twenty eight the Climate Change Conference. Now,

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Speaker 1: who could have seen this coming? Just because the president

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Speaker 1: of COP twenty eight was an oil baron, literally a

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Speaker 1: sultan from the United Arab Emirates COP twenty eight has

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Speaker 1: closed in disaster with an unresolved nightmare. As of recording time,

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Speaker 1: the draft version of the Collective Final Statement from the

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Speaker 1: World's Attempt to Stop planetary disaster from Climate change said

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Speaker 1: nothing about phasing out fossil fuel use. In fact, it

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Speaker 1: demanded that American gas stations resume giving out free commemorative

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Speaker 1: presidential coins with every ten gallon purchase. Now, I made

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Speaker 1: that last part up. Sadly, I did not make up

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Speaker 1: that first part, worser MSNBC. The New York Post reports

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Speaker 1: that viewers of the Morning Joe program had a most

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Speaker 1: unexpected experience day before yesterday, when the start of the

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Speaker 1: show was delayed by twelve minutes. When co host Mika

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Speaker 1: Trump enablered Brijinsk, he came on and thanked everyone for

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Speaker 1: bearing with them after twelve minutes. Apparently for the first

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Speaker 1: twelve minutes, there was a series of promos, unexpected reruns

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Speaker 1: of Laurence o'donald's show from the night before or was

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Speaker 1: it from the year twenty thirteen no one could really tell,

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Speaker 1: and a still shot of the Capitol with teenaged Wasteland

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Speaker 1: from The Who playing in the background. So none of

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Speaker 1: it made any sense, and nobody knew what was going on.

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Speaker 1: I thought they said this edition of Morning Joe was

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Speaker 1: different than every other edition, but the winner the worst Trump,

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Speaker 1: Now this is something different. Without expanding the con you're

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Speaker 1: not truly a con man anymore. And he is truly

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Speaker 1: a con man. Before it was trading cards showing him

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Speaker 1: buff and on a horse and as a hero, as

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Speaker 1: a cartoon character, you know, accurately. Now he has expanded

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Speaker 1: into another staple of the sports card industry, the game

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Speaker 1: used relic card. Trump is selling a special card with

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Speaker 1: his Atlanta mugshot photo and attached to it a certified,

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Speaker 1: authenticated swatch from the suit he wore that day. It's

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Speaker 1: a prison used suit card. Now, at first blush, it

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Speaker 1: seems as if it costs ninety nine dollars, which I

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Speaker 1: will admit, given that my two thousand and eight tops

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Speaker 1: game worn tie baseball card can be had for twelve

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Speaker 1: dollars on eBay, ninety nine bucks isn't bad. Like it

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Speaker 1: or not, He's a president. You'd pay ninety nine bucks

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Speaker 1: for a James Buchanan game warn Cravat card, wouldn't you.

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Speaker 1: But on closer inspection, there's a con within the con

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Speaker 1: turns out to get one of the actual swatches from

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Speaker 1: the suit he was wearing while he was arrested. You

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Speaker 1: have to buy forty seven of the cards at ninety

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Speaker 1: nine dollars each. That means your cost is just four

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Speaker 1: six hundred and fifty three dollars per card. For the

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Speaker 1: punchline here, I'd like to quote David Frump for the

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Speaker 1: second time in this episode about the swatch card from

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Speaker 1: writes quote, the good news for Trump finances is that

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Speaker 1: when you wear an XXXXXL, there's a lot of fabric

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Speaker 1: to sell. Dementia, Jay, they did fumigate that suit first, right,

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Speaker 1: Trump two days fist Pison And to the number one

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Speaker 1: story on the countdown and my favorite topic, me and

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Speaker 1: things I promised not to tell. And it was this

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Speaker 1: time of year in nineteen ninety six when my agent

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Speaker 1: called me at ESPN. There's an ad agency in Santa Monica.

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Speaker 1: They just called me, would you like to do two

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Speaker 1: commercials for Boston Market? I answered with profound indifference, Okay,

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Speaker 1: would you like to do two commercials for Boston Market

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Speaker 1: for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. I believe my

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Speaker 1: next words were, well, I can't do them today. Hey,

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Speaker 1: but sure. They faxed me the scripts. They're actually pretty funny,

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Speaker 1: very well done. I think you'll like them, I believe.

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Speaker 1: My next next words were, if I don't have to

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Speaker 1: kill anybody in them, call them back and say yes

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Speaker 1: and get the money. Since the idea was these ads

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Speaker 1: would run on sports telecasts, most of them on ESPN.

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Speaker 1: My yes got back to management at ESPN pretty quickly.

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Speaker 1: You can't do these, one of the executives explained, dismissively.

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Speaker 1: We don't let anybody do commercials. I laughed. Every one

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Speaker 1: of us has done this is Sports center commercials. Some

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Speaker 1: of us have written that this is Sports Center commercials.

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Speaker 1: You don't even give us days off for making them,

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Speaker 1: let alone give us money. This is money I don't

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Speaker 1: have to ask you for. The executive shook his head.

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Speaker 1: Those aren't commercials. Those are promotional announcements. They're in your contract.

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Speaker 1: Nobody here does commercials, I said. Chris Berman has done

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Speaker 1: a beer commercial in three out of the last five

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Speaker 1: Super Bowls. My commercial is just for food. Well, he's Berman,

427
00:29:06,435 --> 00:29:08,955
Speaker 1: I pointed out. I went to high school with him,

428
00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:11,275
Speaker 1: and I was the star of their most popular program,

429
00:29:11,275 --> 00:29:13,635
Speaker 1: A little thing called Sports Center. TV guy had just

430
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:16,595
Speaker 1: named US one of the top ten shows on TV shows,

431
00:29:16,635 --> 00:29:21,475
Speaker 1: not sports shows US and Seinfeld. Sorry, well, now I

432
00:29:21,515 --> 00:29:24,915
Speaker 1: got a little angry, which never happened to me at ESPN,

433
00:29:25,195 --> 00:29:28,315
Speaker 1: and I went to my ace in the hole. My

434
00:29:28,435 --> 00:29:31,075
Speaker 1: contract expires in like ten months, and you know I

435
00:29:31,115 --> 00:29:33,915
Speaker 1: intend to leave, and during those ten months, you're going

436
00:29:33,955 --> 00:29:36,475
Speaker 1: to pay me about two hundred and sixty thousand dollars.

437
00:29:36,675 --> 00:29:38,595
Speaker 1: So Boston Market is going to pay me two hundred

438
00:29:38,595 --> 00:29:42,155
Speaker 1: and fifty thousand dollars for two days work instead of

439
00:29:42,235 --> 00:29:45,675
Speaker 1: ten month's work. Plus they're going to take me out

440
00:29:45,675 --> 00:29:48,435
Speaker 1: first class to LA for a couple of days, and

441
00:29:48,515 --> 00:29:50,515
Speaker 1: they're probably going to do some radio spots and I'll

442
00:29:50,555 --> 00:29:53,235
Speaker 1: make another twenty five grant. So you're giving me a choice,

443
00:29:53,915 --> 00:29:59,195
Speaker 1: make say, two hundred and seventy five thousand dollars in

444
00:29:59,315 --> 00:30:01,235
Speaker 1: like five days for them, or make two hundred and

445
00:30:01,235 --> 00:30:04,235
Speaker 1: sixty thousand dollars here between now and next September when

446
00:30:04,235 --> 00:30:07,595
Speaker 1: I'm planning leaving. Anyway, if you make me choose between

447
00:30:07,595 --> 00:30:11,155
Speaker 1: those two, which do you expect me to choose? The

448
00:30:11,235 --> 00:30:14,835
Speaker 1: executive coughed. We'll get back to an hour later. He

449
00:30:14,875 --> 00:30:17,275
Speaker 1: got back to me by phone. Okay, we see your point,

450
00:30:17,275 --> 00:30:19,435
Speaker 1: but there are still two problems. We can't just let

451
00:30:19,475 --> 00:30:22,715
Speaker 1: everybody do commercials. I said, well, you know, why don't

452
00:30:22,755 --> 00:30:25,035
Speaker 1: you just let anybody who went to the high school

453
00:30:25,035 --> 00:30:27,715
Speaker 1: that Berman and I went to do commercials. He did

454
00:30:27,715 --> 00:30:31,195
Speaker 1: not laugh at that. Well, how about only your regular

455
00:30:31,235 --> 00:30:34,475
Speaker 1: weekday sports center anchors get to do commercials. There was

456
00:30:34,515 --> 00:30:37,755
Speaker 1: a grunt and a maybe. Then we got to the

457
00:30:37,835 --> 00:30:42,275
Speaker 1: gist of the real problem. Here's the real problem. People

458
00:30:42,315 --> 00:30:46,555
Speaker 1: on your show, they'll be resentful. And I said, why

459
00:30:46,555 --> 00:30:49,515
Speaker 1: will they be resentful? Because the production assistants are expecting

460
00:30:49,515 --> 00:30:52,075
Speaker 1: that they're going to get their own commercials too. And

461
00:30:52,115 --> 00:30:55,155
Speaker 1: I said, how about this, the day I'm out there

462
00:30:55,595 --> 00:30:58,555
Speaker 1: actually shooting the commercial, I will get Boston Market to

463
00:30:58,715 --> 00:31:02,395
Speaker 1: like cater dinner for the show staff, even if I

464
00:31:02,395 --> 00:31:05,755
Speaker 1: have to pay for it myself. There was a long silence.

465
00:31:06,875 --> 00:31:10,275
Speaker 1: Would management be included in that? And can we get

466
00:31:10,275 --> 00:31:14,995
Speaker 1: all the side dishes too? I swear to God, so

467
00:31:15,675 --> 00:31:18,435
Speaker 1: off I flew at the beginning of December, during a

468
00:31:18,475 --> 00:31:21,595
Speaker 1: winter that had gone frigid in October in Bristol, Connecticut,

469
00:31:21,635 --> 00:31:23,235
Speaker 1: and the next thing I knew, I was on the

470
00:31:23,275 --> 00:31:28,795
Speaker 1: beach in Malibu at Leo Correo State Park. The crew

471
00:31:29,555 --> 00:31:32,235
Speaker 1: is complaining because it is raining lightly and only about

472
00:31:32,235 --> 00:31:36,715
Speaker 1: fifty five degrees. To me, fresh from the hinterlands and

473
00:31:36,795 --> 00:31:38,875
Speaker 1: having not been back to la since I had moved

474
00:31:38,875 --> 00:31:41,115
Speaker 1: out in nineteen ninety two, It's like I'm in Tahiti.

475
00:31:42,195 --> 00:31:44,755
Speaker 1: And my agent was right. The scripts were funny and original.

476
00:31:44,995 --> 00:31:48,195
Speaker 1: They were ascend up of the old Calvin Kleine Obsession

477
00:31:48,715 --> 00:31:52,715
Speaker 1: perfume commercials. There are two extremely thin models and they

478
00:31:52,715 --> 00:31:56,595
Speaker 1: are filmed writhing in frustration on the beach on the

479
00:31:56,635 --> 00:32:00,915
Speaker 1: big rock outcroppings at Leo Correo State Park. She is

480
00:32:00,955 --> 00:32:05,115
Speaker 1: supposed to say, emptiness, How can I fill this devoid

481
00:32:05,195 --> 00:32:08,875
Speaker 1: of emptiness? They are in black and white, but I

482
00:32:09,075 --> 00:32:13,355
Speaker 1: emerge from behind a rock or wherever I'm in color.

483
00:32:13,835 --> 00:32:15,715
Speaker 1: They are in black and white, and I say when

484
00:32:15,715 --> 00:32:18,115
Speaker 1: they say, don't know what to do about this emptiness,

485
00:32:18,195 --> 00:32:22,835
Speaker 1: I say, eat something. I then sell the sandwich. Then

486
00:32:22,835 --> 00:32:24,835
Speaker 1: it cuts to a shot of me walking them down

487
00:32:24,875 --> 00:32:28,275
Speaker 1: the beach with my arm over each of their shoulders,

488
00:32:28,595 --> 00:32:31,195
Speaker 1: telling them eating is a good thing, and who's wearing

489
00:32:31,275 --> 00:32:34,635
Speaker 1: cologne or who likes sports or other stupid things like that.

490
00:32:37,075 --> 00:32:39,835
Speaker 1: For a quarter of a million dollars. Well, we start

491
00:32:39,875 --> 00:32:42,035
Speaker 1: this at eight am, and the producer and the director

492
00:32:42,115 --> 00:32:44,555
Speaker 1: John say to me and the two models and the crew, look,

493
00:32:44,595 --> 00:32:46,475
Speaker 1: this rain is just going to get heavier as the

494
00:32:46,555 --> 00:32:48,795
Speaker 1: day goes on. So what we want to do is

495
00:32:48,835 --> 00:32:51,475
Speaker 1: not take a break for lunch. We'll just shoot until

496
00:32:51,515 --> 00:32:54,115
Speaker 1: like two pm, and then you can have lunch, or

497
00:32:54,155 --> 00:32:55,915
Speaker 1: you can take your lunch with you, and you'll all

498
00:32:55,915 --> 00:32:58,715
Speaker 1: get paid for a full day. And everybody agrees. The

499
00:32:58,755 --> 00:33:02,635
Speaker 1: actress agrees, and she swears as she agrees. The actress

500
00:33:02,675 --> 00:33:05,755
Speaker 1: is named Una. Una is from Chicago, and it will

501
00:33:05,795 --> 00:33:10,875
Speaker 1: soon prove Una swears more than a long shoreman. This

502
00:33:10,995 --> 00:33:15,995
Speaker 1: blanking colt can blank my blanking blank. To be fair,

503
00:33:17,035 --> 00:33:19,835
Speaker 1: Una and the guy are dressed in Calvin Klein rags

504
00:33:19,875 --> 00:33:22,315
Speaker 1: and they are there and they are from there, and

505
00:33:22,355 --> 00:33:25,475
Speaker 1: they are freezing while I am wearing a production company

506
00:33:25,515 --> 00:33:28,475
Speaker 1: brand new suit and shoes, and to me it feels

507
00:33:28,515 --> 00:33:31,755
Speaker 1: like it's Tahiti. We take a couple of hours where

508
00:33:31,755 --> 00:33:34,195
Speaker 1: we do all the shots where I emerge from behind

509
00:33:34,235 --> 00:33:36,675
Speaker 1: the rocks, or go around the rocks, or over the rocks,

510
00:33:36,755 --> 00:33:39,955
Speaker 1: or I look over the rocks, and the director finally says, okay,

511
00:33:39,955 --> 00:33:42,235
Speaker 1: we got five good options. Let's set up for the

512
00:33:42,315 --> 00:33:46,115
Speaker 1: walk down the beach with your arms around each other's shoulders.

513
00:33:47,075 --> 00:33:50,515
Speaker 1: By now it's noon or twelve thirty. And as they

514
00:33:50,555 --> 00:33:53,155
Speaker 1: move the cameras and the rain starts to move from

515
00:33:53,155 --> 00:33:56,955
Speaker 1: a mist to like a light rain, two prop guys

516
00:33:57,035 --> 00:34:00,315
Speaker 1: bring out rakes and I'm sitting with the crew and

517
00:34:00,355 --> 00:34:02,795
Speaker 1: I've been asking them questions all morning in between takes

518
00:34:02,795 --> 00:34:05,315
Speaker 1: about how this is all being a rain and made

519
00:34:05,355 --> 00:34:08,875
Speaker 1: and lit. And I say, rakes, what do you need

520
00:34:08,955 --> 00:34:11,875
Speaker 1: rakes for on a commercial? And they say you'll see.

521
00:34:12,395 --> 00:34:14,355
Speaker 1: And then each time me and Una and the guy

522
00:34:14,395 --> 00:34:16,475
Speaker 1: walk down the beach and the director says, cut, we

523
00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:18,995
Speaker 1: go back to the starting point. Now out come two

524
00:34:19,035 --> 00:34:23,115
Speaker 1: stage hands with rakes and they rake the sand on

525
00:34:23,195 --> 00:34:30,355
Speaker 1: the beach smooth, and I say, oh, footprints. So each

526
00:34:30,395 --> 00:34:33,115
Speaker 1: time I walk down this damp beach with the rain

527
00:34:33,235 --> 00:34:35,435
Speaker 1: just a little harder than it was the take before,

528
00:34:35,675 --> 00:34:38,915
Speaker 1: in my brand new dress shoes, what I'm basically doing

529
00:34:39,275 --> 00:34:42,075
Speaker 1: is polishing the soles of these brand new shoes on

530
00:34:42,195 --> 00:34:45,195
Speaker 1: damp sand. I mean, by the time the director John says,

531
00:34:45,195 --> 00:34:48,595
Speaker 1: we are done, these soles of these shoes are so shiny.

532
00:34:48,755 --> 00:34:52,755
Speaker 1: I could go ice skating in these shoes. And John

533
00:34:52,795 --> 00:34:55,275
Speaker 1: comes over and he says, listen, we got another half

534
00:34:55,315 --> 00:34:57,075
Speaker 1: an hour. Can we go back and try a new

535
00:34:57,075 --> 00:34:59,155
Speaker 1: way for you to appear on the rocks? I mean,

536
00:34:59,195 --> 00:35:03,035
Speaker 1: can you? Can you climb rocks at all? And I say, yeah, actually,

537
00:35:03,275 --> 00:35:05,435
Speaker 1: I'm surprisingly good at it. He wouldn't think so, But

538
00:35:05,475 --> 00:35:08,315
Speaker 1: I can climb rocks. And he points to one rock

539
00:35:08,355 --> 00:35:11,795
Speaker 1: out cropping on the beach. Maybe it's eighteen twenty feet high,

540
00:35:11,795 --> 00:35:14,155
Speaker 1: and he says, try to climb up that and go

541
00:35:14,195 --> 00:35:16,955
Speaker 1: as high as you can. If there's nothing that'll support you,

542
00:35:16,955 --> 00:35:19,195
Speaker 1: we'll forget it. And I try, and sure enough, I

543
00:35:19,195 --> 00:35:21,075
Speaker 1: get up near the top and there is a perfect

544
00:35:21,115 --> 00:35:24,115
Speaker 1: little shelf in the rock that I can comfortably stand on.

545
00:35:24,835 --> 00:35:28,155
Speaker 1: And the director points the camera up and he says, oh, damn,

546
00:35:28,195 --> 00:35:30,755
Speaker 1: the angle's too tough. I can't swing the camera down

547
00:35:30,835 --> 00:35:33,675
Speaker 1: fast enough for when you say eat something, so I

548
00:35:33,875 --> 00:35:36,875
Speaker 1: refocus on the models. It won't work. Is there anything

549
00:35:37,075 --> 00:35:39,315
Speaker 1: lower on the rock where you could stand? Can you

550
00:35:39,395 --> 00:35:43,035
Speaker 1: come down at all? And I said I think so.

551
00:35:43,115 --> 00:35:45,755
Speaker 1: I think I can come down a little bit. Well,

552
00:35:45,835 --> 00:35:50,275
Speaker 1: little did I know? Sure enough? Maybe nine ten feet

553
00:35:50,435 --> 00:35:54,315
Speaker 1: from the beach. Up in the sky, there is another

554
00:35:54,395 --> 00:35:58,195
Speaker 1: little foothold on this rock outcropping. It is not big

555
00:35:58,315 --> 00:36:00,355
Speaker 1: enough for me to put both my feet on it,

556
00:36:00,395 --> 00:36:02,635
Speaker 1: but I say, if you don't mind me holding onto

557
00:36:02,675 --> 00:36:04,995
Speaker 1: the rock as I say, eat something, I can do

558
00:36:05,035 --> 00:36:08,035
Speaker 1: it from here. And the director says, okay, let's try it.

559
00:36:08,475 --> 00:36:11,195
Speaker 1: And I climb down the rock and he's moving the

560
00:36:11,235 --> 00:36:13,875
Speaker 1: camera and I put my left foot on this flat

561
00:36:13,955 --> 00:36:16,235
Speaker 1: part which is nine or ten feet up from the beach,

562
00:36:16,475 --> 00:36:19,395
Speaker 1: and for a couple of seconds everything is fine. I'm good.

563
00:36:20,835 --> 00:36:24,955
Speaker 1: And that's when I feel that my left shoe, my

564
00:36:25,155 --> 00:36:29,475
Speaker 1: brand new left shoe, straight from the floor, shine catalog,

565
00:36:29,755 --> 00:36:33,515
Speaker 1: bright and shiny and now having been polished by four

566
00:36:33,555 --> 00:36:35,755
Speaker 1: hours of walking up and down on a wet beach,

567
00:36:35,795 --> 00:36:38,675
Speaker 1: complete with two guys there to rake the beach and

568
00:36:38,755 --> 00:36:41,435
Speaker 1: make sure it is as shiny as it possibly can be,

569
00:36:43,275 --> 00:36:47,915
Speaker 1: My left shoe, slipperier than a diamond, is now moving

570
00:36:47,995 --> 00:36:53,235
Speaker 1: of its own accord. I'm holding I'm doing a good

571
00:36:53,435 --> 00:36:57,995
Speaker 1: rock climbing job, but the shoe, the shoe is not holding. Hey,

572
00:36:58,475 --> 00:37:01,715
Speaker 1: I say, with some alarm, I'm about to fall off.

573
00:37:03,475 --> 00:37:06,395
Speaker 1: I hit the sand no more than five seconds later.

574
00:37:07,115 --> 00:37:10,995
Speaker 1: So that's about a sixteen foot drop from my head

575
00:37:11,035 --> 00:37:14,995
Speaker 1: to the beach. And for weeks, for years still to

576
00:37:15,035 --> 00:37:17,755
Speaker 1: this day, it has amazed me more than anything else

577
00:37:17,795 --> 00:37:20,995
Speaker 1: that happened. It has amazed me how much went through

578
00:37:20,995 --> 00:37:25,235
Speaker 1: my mind before I crashed. In fact, before I actually fell,

579
00:37:26,275 --> 00:37:28,915
Speaker 1: I know, I did a quick height calculation. Yeah, fifteen

580
00:37:28,955 --> 00:37:32,555
Speaker 1: sixteen feet. I recognized that the outcropping was so vertical

581
00:37:32,595 --> 00:37:34,795
Speaker 1: that I was unlikely to hit any of the rock

582
00:37:35,115 --> 00:37:38,395
Speaker 1: on the way down. But just the same I remember

583
00:37:38,475 --> 00:37:43,035
Speaker 1: that the rocks continued under the sand. See. I took

584
00:37:43,075 --> 00:37:45,755
Speaker 1: two years of geology, and this was going to be

585
00:37:45,875 --> 00:37:50,075
Speaker 1: a hard landing. More amazingly than all that, Though I

586
00:37:50,115 --> 00:37:53,955
Speaker 1: had taken judo as a kid, I hated every minute

587
00:37:53,995 --> 00:37:58,515
Speaker 1: of judo. Nineteen sixty five nineteen sixty six, so twenty

588
00:37:58,555 --> 00:38:01,835
Speaker 1: six and twenty seven years before we shot this commercial,

589
00:38:02,555 --> 00:38:07,715
Speaker 1: I was in the studio Judo Studio in White Plains,

590
00:38:07,795 --> 00:38:12,195
Speaker 1: New York, the day of the nineteen sixty five Northeast blackout,

591
00:38:12,955 --> 00:38:15,995
Speaker 1: and the only happy memory of the entire judo experience

592
00:38:16,035 --> 00:38:20,755
Speaker 1: I had was one our instructor, Bob Durocher, locked us

593
00:38:20,795 --> 00:38:23,595
Speaker 1: in the dojo that had been converted from a store

594
00:38:23,635 --> 00:38:26,115
Speaker 1: that had a front door that was set in several

595
00:38:26,195 --> 00:38:28,835
Speaker 1: feet from the streets so they could put display cases up.

596
00:38:29,675 --> 00:38:31,435
Speaker 1: And now it's pitch black. So he went out and

597
00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:34,875
Speaker 1: got his Volkswagen Karmen Gia drove it up over the

598
00:38:34,955 --> 00:38:39,235
Speaker 1: sidewalk into that set in entryway of this converted storefront.

599
00:38:39,355 --> 00:38:42,275
Speaker 1: He put his high beams on. He flooded the dojo

600
00:38:42,395 --> 00:38:44,595
Speaker 1: with enough light that we kids could change out of

601
00:38:44,595 --> 00:38:47,715
Speaker 1: our judo stuff and back into our regular clothes and

602
00:38:47,835 --> 00:38:50,915
Speaker 1: wait for our parents to come get us. He did

603
00:38:50,915 --> 00:38:54,235
Speaker 1: a great job. I didn't like the judo so much,

604
00:38:54,675 --> 00:39:00,195
Speaker 1: but his blackout operations practice was superb. So now with

605
00:39:00,395 --> 00:39:02,795
Speaker 1: all of this having gone through my head in a second,

606
00:39:02,875 --> 00:39:05,635
Speaker 1: I began to fall, and every thing else from that

607
00:39:05,795 --> 00:39:09,155
Speaker 1: year of once a week judo classes comes back to me. Relax.

608
00:39:09,315 --> 00:39:11,835
Speaker 1: As you drop, the more of your body that hits,

609
00:39:12,075 --> 00:39:15,755
Speaker 1: the less you'll get hurt. Hands protect the head. Drop

610
00:39:15,915 --> 00:39:19,835
Speaker 1: like a sack of sand. I did not hit the sand,

611
00:39:19,955 --> 00:39:22,435
Speaker 1: per se. I kind of splattered on my left side

612
00:39:23,155 --> 00:39:27,275
Speaker 1: swop as I rolled over onto my back and took

613
00:39:27,275 --> 00:39:31,155
Speaker 1: a breath and sat up. Of all people, Una was

614
00:39:31,195 --> 00:39:33,395
Speaker 1: the first to race over to me, you want some

615
00:39:33,475 --> 00:39:37,755
Speaker 1: blank and tea, I said, no, thanks, let me see

616
00:39:37,795 --> 00:39:40,715
Speaker 1: if I'm dead. The grips tried to help me to

617
00:39:40,715 --> 00:39:43,115
Speaker 1: my feet, but I felt some very sharp pain that

618
00:39:43,155 --> 00:39:47,035
Speaker 1: which suggested we should slow down. The problem was, though,

619
00:39:47,075 --> 00:39:49,155
Speaker 1: even if I needed an ambulance, there was no way

620
00:39:49,235 --> 00:39:51,675
Speaker 1: to get one down to where we were shooting. As

621
00:39:51,715 --> 00:39:55,515
Speaker 1: that rock out cropping that I had just fallen from suggested,

622
00:39:56,595 --> 00:39:58,675
Speaker 1: I like to call it a cliff every now and again.

623
00:39:59,035 --> 00:40:02,995
Speaker 1: Leo Correo State Park had a real cliff in it

624
00:40:03,155 --> 00:40:05,475
Speaker 1: and a flight of stairs, I mean hundred steps, two

625
00:40:05,555 --> 00:40:08,875
Speaker 1: hundred steps up to the Pacific Coast Highway and a park.

626
00:40:09,875 --> 00:40:12,515
Speaker 1: Sure enough, I was able to stand, but I couldn't

627
00:40:12,555 --> 00:40:16,435
Speaker 1: move easily. Everything hurt. So the two biggest members of

628
00:40:16,475 --> 00:40:19,035
Speaker 1: the crew let me drape my arms over their shoulders,

629
00:40:19,195 --> 00:40:22,195
Speaker 1: exactly the way I had draped my arms over their

630
00:40:22,235 --> 00:40:26,595
Speaker 1: shoulders of the models during the beach shot. I stopped

631
00:40:26,635 --> 00:40:30,795
Speaker 1: for a second. Heya, you sure you don't want to

632
00:40:31,035 --> 00:40:36,515
Speaker 1: Frankin carry me up the stairs, she said, with genuine sincerity.

633
00:40:36,915 --> 00:40:41,275
Speaker 1: Now that's blank and funny. Seemed to me like it

634
00:40:41,355 --> 00:40:43,995
Speaker 1: took about a month to get up those stairs. I

635
00:40:44,075 --> 00:40:46,755
Speaker 1: assumed there would be an ambulance waiting by this point.

636
00:40:46,795 --> 00:40:51,315
Speaker 1: Instead there was a park ranger. This is a state park.

637
00:40:51,355 --> 00:40:52,875
Speaker 1: I have to see you first, then I have to

638
00:40:52,875 --> 00:40:55,995
Speaker 1: call the fire department. I said, well, this pain on

639
00:40:56,075 --> 00:40:58,035
Speaker 1: my side here, this feels like fire, but I don't

640
00:40:58,035 --> 00:41:00,835
Speaker 1: think it's actually fire. He called the fire department. They

641
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:04,355
Speaker 1: showed up, They assessed me. They called the ambulance. At

642
00:41:04,395 --> 00:41:06,875
Speaker 1: some point point, probably when I was being half dragged

643
00:41:06,955 --> 00:41:11,755
Speaker 1: up the steps, something happened on the impact side. If

644
00:41:11,795 --> 00:41:14,635
Speaker 1: I now tried to lower my left arm from way

645
00:41:14,675 --> 00:41:19,635
Speaker 1: above my head, I got severe shooting, burning pain from

646
00:41:19,635 --> 00:41:23,395
Speaker 1: my left arm pit to about my left knee. Cleverly,

647
00:41:23,955 --> 00:41:27,915
Speaker 1: I figured out not to do that. Keep your left

648
00:41:28,035 --> 00:41:33,035
Speaker 1: arm above your head and it won't hurt. I use

649
00:41:33,115 --> 00:41:35,275
Speaker 1: the restroom in the ranger station. There was no blood,

650
00:41:35,275 --> 00:41:40,115
Speaker 1: so no kidney damage. I'm okay. It does, however, hurt

651
00:41:40,155 --> 00:41:43,835
Speaker 1: and something could be broken. Now I go back outside,

652
00:41:43,915 --> 00:41:46,275
Speaker 1: my arm above my head like I'm signaling for a

653
00:41:46,395 --> 00:41:49,275
Speaker 1: cab on the streets of New York City. And the

654
00:41:49,315 --> 00:41:51,915
Speaker 1: ambulance shows up and the amts tell me to get

655
00:41:51,915 --> 00:41:55,075
Speaker 1: on there gurney, and I said, I can't. I can't

656
00:41:55,115 --> 00:41:59,795
Speaker 1: lower my arm. Unless I want excruciating pain, I can't

657
00:41:59,835 --> 00:42:03,355
Speaker 1: move my arm. I have to stay in this position,

658
00:42:03,435 --> 00:42:07,915
Speaker 1: looking like like a Flamenco dancer. But I said, listen,

659
00:42:08,075 --> 00:42:10,475
Speaker 1: can you lock the wheels on this gurney? And they said,

660
00:42:10,555 --> 00:42:12,155
Speaker 1: sure we can, of course we can. And I said,

661
00:42:12,395 --> 00:42:15,715
Speaker 1: just lock the wheels and I'll just back up onto

662
00:42:15,755 --> 00:42:19,555
Speaker 1: the end of it and I'll fall backwards. And it worked,

663
00:42:20,155 --> 00:42:22,635
Speaker 1: and so with my left arm still extended over my head,

664
00:42:22,635 --> 00:42:26,355
Speaker 1: they loaded me into the ambulance. Apparently, when I fell

665
00:42:26,355 --> 00:42:29,435
Speaker 1: from that rock or cliff as I call it, it

666
00:42:29,475 --> 00:42:33,195
Speaker 1: looked like I had been shot. Fifty sixty people on

667
00:42:33,275 --> 00:42:36,915
Speaker 1: a commercial crew. The shooting day is over. They have

668
00:42:36,995 --> 00:42:40,275
Speaker 1: missed lunch. There is a very nice catered lunch sitting there.

669
00:42:40,795 --> 00:42:44,155
Speaker 1: And they told me later that everybody was so disturbed

670
00:42:44,155 --> 00:42:46,995
Speaker 1: by what happened to me that only three people even

671
00:42:47,035 --> 00:42:50,475
Speaker 1: took something to go and know. The director was not

672
00:42:50,755 --> 00:42:55,115
Speaker 1: filming as I fell. Sadly, so we hit every pothole

673
00:42:55,235 --> 00:42:57,995
Speaker 1: on Pacific Coast Highway on the trip from the beach

674
00:42:58,075 --> 00:43:02,675
Speaker 1: to the hospital. Oh ah, ooh, I call my agent

675
00:43:02,795 --> 00:43:06,555
Speaker 1: from my cell phone, she laughed. I called ESPN actually

676
00:43:06,635 --> 00:43:08,555
Speaker 1: to check on the catered dinner. Oh what's new? Oh,

677
00:43:08,595 --> 00:43:11,115
Speaker 1: I fell off a cliff shooting the commercial, they laughed.

678
00:43:11,675 --> 00:43:13,835
Speaker 1: And I'm lying there in the emergency room waiting for

679
00:43:13,995 --> 00:43:16,675
Speaker 1: X rays when my cell phone rings again and I

680
00:43:16,715 --> 00:43:19,115
Speaker 1: reach into my left pocket and I had the phone

681
00:43:19,195 --> 00:43:21,835
Speaker 1: halfway to my ear when I realized my left side

682
00:43:21,875 --> 00:43:25,995
Speaker 1: does not hurt anymore at all. It does not hurt

683
00:43:26,035 --> 00:43:30,875
Speaker 1: at all. Well, that was a quick recovery. I sat up.

684
00:43:31,075 --> 00:43:33,635
Speaker 1: My left side felt fine, In fact, it felt great,

685
00:43:34,195 --> 00:43:36,235
Speaker 1: and a nurse came over and suggested I should lie

686
00:43:36,275 --> 00:43:39,435
Speaker 1: back down again. I said, why. Somehow I got better

687
00:43:39,595 --> 00:43:41,915
Speaker 1: on the trip from all the potholes and just lying here,

688
00:43:42,475 --> 00:43:45,035
Speaker 1: In fact, I feel great. Did you guys remove my

689
00:43:45,155 --> 00:43:47,715
Speaker 1: left leg while I wasn't looking. Did you replace it

690
00:43:47,755 --> 00:43:49,435
Speaker 1: with the left leg that I had when I was twelve?

691
00:43:49,435 --> 00:43:51,675
Speaker 1: Because I could hop back to Connecticut on my left leg.

692
00:43:51,795 --> 00:43:56,035
Speaker 1: Right now, just cancel the flight, she laughed. She said, no.

693
00:43:56,715 --> 00:43:58,795
Speaker 1: What I was feeling would be the morphine they gave

694
00:43:58,875 --> 00:44:00,875
Speaker 1: me so they could twist me around and take the

695
00:44:01,035 --> 00:44:04,155
Speaker 1: X rays they needed. And I said, please never ever

696
00:44:04,275 --> 00:44:07,395
Speaker 1: give me any more of that ever again. Thank you.

697
00:44:08,915 --> 00:44:11,795
Speaker 1: My Judo flashback, as it turned out, had done the job.

698
00:44:11,875 --> 00:44:15,515
Speaker 1: I had broken nothing. The er doctor complimented me on

699
00:44:15,555 --> 00:44:18,275
Speaker 1: my fall, and he said I probably had six or

700
00:44:18,315 --> 00:44:21,955
Speaker 1: eight different sprains on my left side. It would hurt,

701
00:44:22,075 --> 00:44:24,355
Speaker 1: but it would keep getting better and I'd be able

702
00:44:24,395 --> 00:44:26,755
Speaker 1: to make my flight home the day after next. He

703
00:44:26,835 --> 00:44:30,435
Speaker 1: was completely right, although I now found twenty five years

704
00:44:30,515 --> 00:44:33,155
Speaker 1: later that it's beginning to hurt like I just fell

705
00:44:33,195 --> 00:44:36,195
Speaker 1: off the cliff. Anyway, I went back to the hotel.

706
00:44:36,275 --> 00:44:38,315
Speaker 1: I ate well, I slept well, I managed to walk

707
00:44:38,355 --> 00:44:39,955
Speaker 1: around with the help of a cane, and I went

708
00:44:39,995 --> 00:44:42,795
Speaker 1: back for day two of the commercial shoot. This one

709
00:44:42,875 --> 00:44:46,435
Speaker 1: is in a mansion in Pasadena, a room teeming full

710
00:44:46,435 --> 00:44:50,715
Speaker 1: of unas lying on the floor. They're photographs through chandeliers.

711
00:44:50,755 --> 00:44:53,075
Speaker 1: They're lazy, rich kids who also need to be told

712
00:44:53,115 --> 00:44:58,195
Speaker 1: to eat something. I arrived and walked into applause from

713
00:44:58,275 --> 00:45:02,075
Speaker 1: the crew, and I delivered a well rehearsed line. And

714
00:45:02,155 --> 00:45:04,955
Speaker 1: now for my next trick, which is when the director

715
00:45:04,995 --> 00:45:07,235
Speaker 1: John came over and apologized, and he said he thought

716
00:45:07,275 --> 00:45:10,955
Speaker 1: this entry into shot for me would be way easier.

717
00:45:11,195 --> 00:45:12,755
Speaker 1: What I had to do is lie on the floor,

718
00:45:13,075 --> 00:45:18,115
Speaker 1: then sit up and deliver the line eat something. If

719
00:45:18,155 --> 00:45:20,635
Speaker 1: you can sit up, he said, that is, if you can't,

720
00:45:20,955 --> 00:45:23,155
Speaker 1: we can do something else. Can you sit up? And

721
00:45:23,195 --> 00:45:25,035
Speaker 1: I thought about it, and I rubbed my lower back,

722
00:45:25,075 --> 00:45:27,275
Speaker 1: and I said, based on the day so far, yeah,

723
00:45:27,275 --> 00:45:31,515
Speaker 1: I could, but probably only six or seven times. And

724
00:45:32,435 --> 00:45:35,315
Speaker 1: I said, while I can sit up, it's clear to

725
00:45:35,355 --> 00:45:38,555
Speaker 1: me one of those bad sprains was in the muscles

726
00:45:38,555 --> 00:45:41,235
Speaker 1: somewhere of my lower back. And if I try to

727
00:45:41,315 --> 00:45:44,475
Speaker 1: lay back down, I lose control. I'll just crash back

728
00:45:44,475 --> 00:45:46,715
Speaker 1: to the floor. That actually happened getting out of bed

729
00:45:46,755 --> 00:45:51,675
Speaker 1: this morning. So after each take, the same two guys

730
00:45:51,675 --> 00:45:53,875
Speaker 1: who had walked me up the stairs after I fell

731
00:45:53,915 --> 00:45:56,915
Speaker 1: at the beach gently held my arms and shoulders and

732
00:45:57,075 --> 00:46:01,915
Speaker 1: lowered me back to lying on the floor. We got

733
00:46:01,955 --> 00:46:04,475
Speaker 1: what we needed. I went back to the hotel. I

734
00:46:04,475 --> 00:46:06,755
Speaker 1: had dinner with some friends. The next day. I was

735
00:46:06,795 --> 00:46:08,835
Speaker 1: a little sore, but perfectly fine to get back on

736
00:46:08,875 --> 00:46:11,955
Speaker 1: the plane east and sure enough, only time ever, I

737
00:46:12,035 --> 00:46:14,915
Speaker 1: had a west to east tailwind. The flight from lax

738
00:46:14,955 --> 00:46:18,155
Speaker 1: to Newark took three hours and forty eight minutes. We

739
00:46:18,315 --> 00:46:21,315
Speaker 1: traversed the country like a dart shot from a gun

740
00:46:21,755 --> 00:46:26,515
Speaker 1: or an Ulderman falling from a rock out cropping. Oh,

741
00:46:26,595 --> 00:46:31,035
Speaker 1: by the way, the commercial was an immediate success, unlike

742
00:46:31,155 --> 00:46:34,835
Speaker 1: any that Boston Market had ever done before. In those days,

743
00:46:34,835 --> 00:46:37,915
Speaker 1: they were packed each night for dinner at every location,

744
00:46:38,275 --> 00:46:43,315
Speaker 1: selling half chickens and full meals with potatoes and salads,

745
00:46:43,795 --> 00:46:46,035
Speaker 1: and they were getting an average of twelve dollars out

746
00:46:46,075 --> 00:46:48,195
Speaker 1: of every customer. The rest of the day the place

747
00:46:48,275 --> 00:46:52,235
Speaker 1: was empty. The idea behind my commercials. They were designed

748
00:46:52,275 --> 00:46:54,235
Speaker 1: to bring in a lunch crowd a sandwich and a

749
00:46:54,275 --> 00:46:58,395
Speaker 1: soda and a bag of chips for four dollars. Soon

750
00:46:58,475 --> 00:47:02,555
Speaker 1: they were swamped at lunchtime. Boston Market ordered three more commercials,

751
00:47:02,955 --> 00:47:04,795
Speaker 1: these to be shot in a studio in New York work.

752
00:47:04,875 --> 00:47:08,915
Speaker 1: They offered me fifty grand a day. An entire new

753
00:47:09,075 --> 00:47:11,955
Speaker 1: career vista was opening in front of me. I was,

754
00:47:12,275 --> 00:47:14,835
Speaker 1: for a week or two in early nineteen ninety seven,

755
00:47:15,155 --> 00:47:20,395
Speaker 1: the most successful male commercial actor in the country. We

756
00:47:20,475 --> 00:47:24,515
Speaker 1: shot those three spots. I interrupted a grunge concert to

757
00:47:24,595 --> 00:47:27,275
Speaker 1: shout eat something at the band, and then I got

758
00:47:27,315 --> 00:47:30,115
Speaker 1: carried off by the crowd in a mosh pit. And

759
00:47:30,155 --> 00:47:33,195
Speaker 1: I interrupted a Romeo soap opera surgeon coming on to

760
00:47:33,275 --> 00:47:36,475
Speaker 1: his nurse by rising from the operating table to shout

761
00:47:36,515 --> 00:47:39,755
Speaker 1: eat something. And then we did something with ballplayers at

762
00:47:39,795 --> 00:47:42,075
Speaker 1: the stadium on Randall's Island. And I remember nothing of

763
00:47:42,115 --> 00:47:46,115
Speaker 1: that because, unlike the first two, they never edited the film,

764
00:47:46,355 --> 00:47:51,195
Speaker 1: because that's when it happened, their equivalent of falling off

765
00:47:51,235 --> 00:47:55,475
Speaker 1: the cliff. I will confess it had not occurred to me.

766
00:47:55,715 --> 00:47:58,995
Speaker 1: Then again, I did not own Boston Market. I did

767
00:47:58,995 --> 00:48:01,835
Speaker 1: not work for their marketing department. I did not run

768
00:48:01,875 --> 00:48:05,635
Speaker 1: the ad agency they employed. But none of them anticipated

769
00:48:05,635 --> 00:48:08,675
Speaker 1: it either. After the first few weeks of giddy glee

770
00:48:08,715 --> 00:48:12,155
Speaker 1: about the lunch crowds I had brought them, somebody noticed

771
00:48:12,155 --> 00:48:17,395
Speaker 1: something unfortunate and unexpected. Basically, for every four dollar lunch

772
00:48:17,395 --> 00:48:20,875
Speaker 1: they were now selling, they were selling one fewer twelve

773
00:48:20,995 --> 00:48:25,515
Speaker 1: dollars dinner. They had not gained any new customers. They

774
00:48:25,515 --> 00:48:28,155
Speaker 1: had just managed to get their customers to each spend

775
00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:34,115
Speaker 1: eight dollars less. These very well made, very memorable commercials

776
00:48:34,155 --> 00:48:37,555
Speaker 1: worked very very well. And the problem with that was

777
00:48:37,715 --> 00:48:41,395
Speaker 1: each time they did work, it cost Boston Market eight dollars.

778
00:48:42,395 --> 00:48:45,075
Speaker 1: By the end of nineteen ninety seven, Boston Market was

779
00:48:45,115 --> 00:48:48,875
Speaker 1: something like nine hundred million dollars in debt. It had

780
00:48:48,915 --> 00:48:52,315
Speaker 1: filed for bankruptcy and had been taken over by McDonald's.

781
00:48:53,115 --> 00:48:57,315
Speaker 1: On the other hand, I got my money, and in

782
00:48:57,355 --> 00:49:00,115
Speaker 1: the twenty five years plus since, Boston Market has not

783
00:49:00,275 --> 00:49:03,275
Speaker 1: once used a celebrity endorser to try to sell their food.

784
00:49:04,795 --> 00:49:08,075
Speaker 1: Oh and there was one other positive outcome from my

785
00:49:08,315 --> 00:49:12,675
Speaker 1: header off that cliff that December, so many Decembers ago.

786
00:49:13,795 --> 00:49:17,195
Speaker 1: The ad Agency actually received the award. I did not,

787
00:49:17,315 --> 00:49:19,275
Speaker 1: so I can't quote the title of it for you.

788
00:49:20,155 --> 00:49:22,555
Speaker 1: I don't know which group gave it to us, but

789
00:49:22,675 --> 00:49:27,355
Speaker 1: the Eat Something campaign it actually won an award because

790
00:49:27,355 --> 00:49:30,875
Speaker 1: apparently my shouting eat something at Una and the others

791
00:49:31,395 --> 00:49:35,955
Speaker 1: that's somehow cut through to some victims of some eating disorders.

792
00:49:36,315 --> 00:49:40,595
Speaker 1: What I was told was we got an award from

793
00:49:40,595 --> 00:49:57,995
Speaker 1: a national Bolimia association. I've done all the damage I

794
00:49:58,035 --> 00:50:00,075
Speaker 1: can do here. Thank you for listening. Countdown has come

795
00:50:00,075 --> 00:50:02,475
Speaker 1: to you from the Vin Scully Studios at the Olderman

796
00:50:02,555 --> 00:50:06,115
Speaker 1: Broadcasting Empire in New York. Do me a favor if

797
00:50:06,155 --> 00:50:08,955
Speaker 1: you would send this podcast to somebody who does not

798
00:50:09,115 --> 00:50:12,115
Speaker 1: listen to it, who you think should just one person.

799
00:50:12,755 --> 00:50:15,635
Speaker 1: The growth to be accomplished by conventional promotion may have

800
00:50:15,755 --> 00:50:18,555
Speaker 1: hit its limits. So we have to get creative here,

801
00:50:18,555 --> 00:50:23,395
Speaker 1: and by we I mean you countdown. Musical directors Brian

802
00:50:23,475 --> 00:50:26,395
Speaker 1: Ray and John Phillips Chanel arranged, produced, and performed most

803
00:50:26,395 --> 00:50:30,235
Speaker 1: of our music by our I mean mine. Mister Chanelle

804
00:50:30,275 --> 00:50:33,115
Speaker 1: handled orchestration and keyboards. Mister Ray was on the guitars,

805
00:50:33,115 --> 00:50:35,475
Speaker 1: bass and drums, and it was produced by Tko Brothers.

806
00:50:35,955 --> 00:50:39,995
Speaker 1: Other music, including some other Beethoven compositions, arranged and performed

807
00:50:40,035 --> 00:50:43,795
Speaker 1: by No Horns allowed. The sports music courtesy of ESPN, Inc.

808
00:50:43,875 --> 00:50:46,635
Speaker 1: Written by Mitch Warren Davis called the Olderman theme from

809
00:50:46,835 --> 00:50:50,315
Speaker 1: ESPN two. Our satirical and pithy musical comments are by

810
00:50:50,395 --> 00:50:54,035
Speaker 1: Nancy Faust. The best baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer

811
00:50:54,035 --> 00:50:55,995
Speaker 1: today is my friend Larry David, and everything else was

812
00:50:56,035 --> 00:50:58,315
Speaker 1: pretty much my fault. So that's countdown for this, the

813
00:50:58,355 --> 00:51:01,755
Speaker 1: one thy seventy second day since dementia Jay Trump's first

814
00:51:01,795 --> 00:51:04,675
Speaker 1: attempted coup against the democratically elected government of the United States.

815
00:51:05,315 --> 00:51:08,235
Speaker 1: Use the Insurrection Act against him and them while we

816
00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:11,715
Speaker 1: still can. The next scheduled countdown is tomorrow. Bolton says.

817
00:51:11,715 --> 00:51:14,275
Speaker 1: The news warrants till then. I'm Keith Oldraman, good morning,

818
00:51:14,315 --> 00:51:16,355
Speaker 1: good afternoon, good night, and good look.

819
00:51:20,835 --> 00:51:23,475
Speaker 4: Here comes Beazings got to peez fish with the d Oh.

820
00:51:27,435 --> 00:51:31,315
Speaker 1: Look at that, look at this, look at that. Countdown

821
00:51:31,395 --> 00:51:35,155
Speaker 1: with keith Oldraman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more

822
00:51:35,235 --> 00:51:40,155
Speaker 1: podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or

823
00:51:40,235 --> 00:51:42,075
Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts.