WEBVTT - BA Q and A: Am I Responsible For My Mom's Final Expenses? 0:00:16.239 --> 0:00:22.160 Hey, Hey, Hey, I know surprise, it's time for ba QA. Yes, 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:24.000 it's the second show. We're going to test it out. 0:00:24.360 --> 0:00:26.960 Me and Mandy are going to do Brown Ambition Question 0:00:27.080 --> 0:00:29.520 and answer in a totally separate show and we are 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:31.800 trey excited. 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:33.199 About it, very excited. 0:00:33.280 --> 0:00:33.600 Y'all. 0:00:33.680 --> 0:00:36.680 You can expect the same wonderful advice from your financial 0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:39.239 besties me and Tiffany as you normally get, and you 0:00:39.280 --> 0:00:42.159 can also continue to send us your questions please. We 0:00:42.240 --> 0:00:44.800 decided to break out this segment because honestly, our show 0:00:44.840 --> 0:00:46.920 was getting too fat and juicy and we wanted to 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:50.640 never give up on answering y'all's personal finance and career questions. 0:00:50.920 --> 0:00:53.279 So if you haven't, you can still hit us up 0:00:53.360 --> 0:00:57.440 at Brown Ambition Podcast on Instagram or email us Brown 0:00:57.480 --> 0:01:01.160 Ambition Podcast at gmail dot com. You can also head 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:04.080 to our website, Brandamission podcast dot com and click ask 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:07.160 us Anything to submit your question. And now you have 0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:11.080 your very own show. You're welcome. Every Friday, Tiffany and 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:13.800 I will be here taking your questions. It'll be a 0:01:13.840 --> 0:01:16.440 short little nugget of an episode and we hope you 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:17.160 guys enjoy it. 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:22.360 Yay. Question number one, how do your next question in 0:01:22.400 --> 0:01:24.600 Spanish question. 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:32.800 Say my brain broke. I'm sorry, I think that's French. 0:01:38.480 --> 0:01:39.200 You want to read it? 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:42.319 I would, I would, I would be honored, all right. 0:01:42.680 --> 0:01:46.240 First question comes from someone who liked Tremaine anonymous. They 0:01:46.280 --> 0:01:49.080 ask is, do you guys have any advice regarding how 0:01:49.120 --> 0:01:52.520 I can inspire my seventeen year old stepdaughter to embrace 0:01:52.600 --> 0:01:56.600 personal finance and participate in the growth of her ut 0:01:56.960 --> 0:02:00.240 M A that's her? What does that stand for? Uniform trust? 0:02:01.040 --> 0:02:02.840 It's like the account you get for kids, right, I 0:02:02.840 --> 0:02:05.280 forget what it all stands for. Anyway, she says, I've 0:02:05.280 --> 0:02:09.720 tried multiple approaches since she was thirteen, but I remain unsuccessful. 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:13.440 Ooh key, Timmany, Yes, I'm made for you. 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:15.480 I have my hand up and I'm like, give me 0:02:16.280 --> 0:02:17.160 the com up. 0:02:17.919 --> 0:02:21.920 Because so, my beautiful stepdaughter is fourteen, and I feel 0:02:21.919 --> 0:02:24.240 like we finally cracked the code when she was little. 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:27.120 We did it someone and it helped. So one of 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:28.560 the things we used to do when she was little 0:02:28.680 --> 0:02:31.520 is that whenever we would go somewhere her father, instead 0:02:31.560 --> 0:02:33.400 of buying her stuff, we would tell her to look 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:36.160 at her piggybank and what would her budget be? So 0:02:36.200 --> 0:02:41.080 we just started with like using proper language to describe 0:02:41.400 --> 0:02:43.919 things that were actually happening in her life. Then it 0:02:43.960 --> 0:02:45.440 kind of fell off because she didn't care because she 0:02:45.480 --> 0:02:49.080 wasn't keeping a piggy bank anymore. And when she turned thirteen, 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:52.280 it was like what can we do? So what really 0:02:52.320 --> 0:02:56.360 helped is that she started working. So working, meaning like 0:02:56.400 --> 0:02:58.400 so my husband is a twin and his twin is 0:02:58.400 --> 0:03:01.040 a master painter, so on the weekend and he would 0:03:01.080 --> 0:03:03.040 pick her up sometimes and she would help him tape off, 0:03:03.080 --> 0:03:04.960 like he would be doing a house and she would 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:06.799 be in charge of taping up the rooms and you know, with. 0:03:06.720 --> 0:03:08.280 The blue tape, and he would pay her. 0:03:08.720 --> 0:03:11.280 And then now that she's fourteen, she actually just babysit, 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:15.360 babysat my sister's kids. Yesterday, Carol and Tracy and I 0:03:15.400 --> 0:03:18.919 we went to brunch and Alyssa babysat Roman and Amelia 0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:21.639 because she's fourteen and they know her and they're four 0:03:21.639 --> 0:03:24.640 and five. And so she made ten thousand hour. She 0:03:24.720 --> 0:03:29.560 works with Tracy at TAC Tracy Leche Consulting her. My 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:33.160 sister's a publicist and so she does work with Tracy, 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:36.480 research work with Tracy, especially after school but now she's off. 0:03:36.320 --> 0:03:36.880 For the summer. 0:03:37.280 --> 0:03:40.960 So we found that it made a difference because now 0:03:41.000 --> 0:03:44.440 that she's working and bringing in money, it became real 0:03:44.480 --> 0:03:47.360 to her because everything else was theoretical. And now with 0:03:47.440 --> 0:03:49.360 her money, we sit down and we're like, Okay, how 0:03:49.400 --> 0:03:51.160 much did you make? Some of it has to go 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:53.560 to your savings here, some of it has to go 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:55.520 to this checking account, and then this is what can 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:59.280 go for money that you can spend. So the best 0:03:59.280 --> 0:04:02.240 way to kind of get get her interested is it 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:05.600 has to mean something for her, like I don't talk 0:04:05.640 --> 0:04:07.240 to Elissa about bill's like a little bit like I'll 0:04:07.240 --> 0:04:08.840 talk to her about bills somewhat like you know. 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:09.640 How much things cost? 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:11.800 Or I might share with her how much you know, 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:14.760 the vacation was just so she knows, but ultimately she 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:18.200 don't care. But what she cares about is Carol. I 0:04:18.240 --> 0:04:23.440 actually was three and a half hours so so, so what. 0:04:23.480 --> 0:04:26.120 Is she doing with her earnings? Have y'all been investing them? 0:04:26.160 --> 0:04:28.560 Does she have a savings what does she do right now? 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:31.440 We just keep it really simple. We do some savings 0:04:31.480 --> 0:04:33.840 and some spending for her. But what I did do 0:04:33.920 --> 0:04:36.000 this summer for her is I enrolled her in an 0:04:36.040 --> 0:04:39.200 investment class because I wanted her to, like, you know, 0:04:39.800 --> 0:04:42.080 to understand that when we talked, when we start pulling 0:04:42.120 --> 0:04:44.560 money for investments, she's not like, where's my money going. 0:04:44.600 --> 0:04:49.080 So there's this teen class by this young woman named Tiffany. 0:04:49.160 --> 0:04:52.080 Actually her name is her brand is called Modern Black Girl. 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:53.640 I love her. 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:55.760 Yes, she's super young and cute and like in her 0:04:55.800 --> 0:04:58.360 twenties and like fabulous, so you know, listen, don't want 0:04:58.400 --> 0:04:59.800 to hear from me. So I was like, maybe she'll 0:04:59.800 --> 0:05:02.719 hear fabulous siphony. So it was a teen class and 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:04.479 it was every week, and so every week she would 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:07.280 like take a class and learn how to trade and invest. 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:09.719 So so that's like kind of like the next step 0:05:09.720 --> 0:05:12.760 for her. But really it just started with she earns money, 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:15.919 and then we show her savings and spending and just 0:05:15.960 --> 0:05:18.640 go over what she earned and how she can make more. 0:05:18.920 --> 0:05:21.080 She got really excited about, like what else can I 0:05:21.120 --> 0:05:23.440 do to make more? You should see Tracey's like she's 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:25.920 the best employees she ever had, because she will text. 0:05:25.680 --> 0:05:27.200 Her and be like, do you have an additional work? 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:28.880 And Tracey's like, no, alysta, bro. 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:33.560 I'm actually I am more than willing to learn new skills. 0:05:34.680 --> 0:05:35.440 It's just like. 0:05:36.320 --> 0:05:38.040 And so I'm not gonna lie most of the money 0:05:38.040 --> 0:05:39.840 that she makes that the money that we let her 0:05:39.839 --> 0:05:42.800 spend is all Amazon because you know, these kids, but 0:05:43.040 --> 0:05:45.280 at least she knows I have to save some, I 0:05:45.320 --> 0:05:48.039 have some to spend, and now she's learning that once 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:49.839 she finished this course, we're going to set aside some 0:05:49.880 --> 0:05:50.520 of your money. 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:51.400 To also invest. 0:05:51.560 --> 0:05:53.400 So that's what I said, Like, you know, she's not 0:05:53.440 --> 0:05:55.799 going to be you know, some people have a natural inclination, 0:05:56.120 --> 0:05:57.600 but start with what matters to her. 0:05:57.680 --> 0:06:00.200 Maybe let her have a little job and see that 0:06:00.279 --> 0:06:00.640 takes you. 0:06:01.720 --> 0:06:04.520 I completely agree that when the money is real to them, 0:06:04.560 --> 0:06:07.600 they're more They're just more invested in it. I mean literally, 0:06:07.800 --> 0:06:11.040 and in terms of like watching her UTMA and by 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:12.720 the way I looked, I had to look it up, 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:16.039 but my brain is fried. Uniform Trust and Minor Act. 0:06:16.040 --> 0:06:19.039 It's basically a kind of custodial bank account that you 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:22.000 can open for your child or your stepchild in this case, 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:25.000 and then when they come of age. Every state is different, 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:27.799 but like eighteen is typical, then it can be transferred 0:06:27.800 --> 0:06:29.560 to them and they get control of the money. I 0:06:29.600 --> 0:06:33.120 feel like, does being does the fact that it's her 0:06:33.160 --> 0:06:37.920 step daughter, does that hinder or change your advice at all? 0:06:37.960 --> 0:06:40.520 I mean, I know Supergirl is your stepdaughter as well. 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:45.360 When you and Superman would talk about her personal finance, 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:48.240 education and all of that, did that come from him? 0:06:48.440 --> 0:06:51.080 Or how did you build that relationship so that you 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:53.240 know she would look to you for advice and not 0:06:53.360 --> 0:06:55.119 just like, oh, you're not my mom, like you can't 0:06:55.120 --> 0:06:56.320 tell me what to do. 0:06:56.560 --> 0:06:58.040 It was hard, I'm not gonna lie see. 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:02.080 So I would basically work him at first, you know, 0:07:02.279 --> 0:07:04.520 like I'd be like, you know, lit some made money. 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:07.120 She made like a hundred dollars. She's like what, because 0:07:07.160 --> 0:07:09.280 you know, she's not telling him anything. But I would 0:07:09.279 --> 0:07:11.520 know because either like you know, my sister would have 0:07:11.520 --> 0:07:13.600 paid her, or she got you know, babysitting money, or 0:07:13.640 --> 0:07:15.960 just you know, I just would be listening, you know, 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:18.320 and I'm like, yeah, I don't you know, I know. 0:07:18.440 --> 0:07:20.840 And I would hear her making like plans with her friends, 0:07:20.920 --> 0:07:22.760 like ooh, girl, I made a hundred dollars, so I'm 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:24.640 gonna get that dress and that right now. The kids 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:26.920 are really into press on nails and the press on 0:07:26.960 --> 0:07:29.320 that she would be, you know, like she would be 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:31.640 making a list to trick up all her doll and 0:07:31.680 --> 0:07:34.600 I'd be like, yeah, let me tell him, because I 0:07:34.640 --> 0:07:37.920 know if I said something, it might be like nobody 0:07:38.000 --> 0:07:39.800 was talking to you. But you know, dads can say 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:42.320 whatever because that's you know, that's his daughter. So at 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:44.520 first it started that way. And I don't know if 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:46.640 you remember, like maybe like maybe some months ago, I 0:07:46.720 --> 0:07:48.560 was saying that was the one relationship out of all 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:51.440 of our relationships, that out of my personal relationships that 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:53.720 were still working on making better. 0:07:53.800 --> 0:07:56.000 That we used to be like bff when she was 0:07:56.040 --> 0:07:56.600 really little. 0:07:56.960 --> 0:07:59.040 I came into her life when she was six, and 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:01.520 then for like three years she was my bestie and 0:08:01.560 --> 0:08:03.360 then we got engaged and then she was like, don't 0:08:03.400 --> 0:08:04.160 you take my baddy? 0:08:04.200 --> 0:08:07.360 And I was like, I'm not, And so we weren't. 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:10.000 But I have to say we're back. We had been 0:08:10.040 --> 0:08:11.640 working on it, working on it, and working on it, 0:08:11.720 --> 0:08:15.080 working on it. She's matured and honestly like it's it's 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:17.560 like we were like like before, you know, which is awesome, 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:19.600 and so now I don't have to go through him. 0:08:19.920 --> 0:08:21.520 But the other day I was saying something to him. 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:23.840 He was like, tell her, and I was like, oh yeah, 0:08:23.960 --> 0:08:27.480 I can, so I don't know. So you know, obviously 0:08:27.480 --> 0:08:30.080 your relationship best if you guys are close, go to 0:08:30.120 --> 0:08:33.320 her directly. If not, then I would work through you know, 0:08:33.480 --> 0:08:36.200 your your partner, but because you want to make sure 0:08:36.240 --> 0:08:38.520 that you know you're you're there to raise a human 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:40.240 being that can take care of themselves when you're no 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:40.760 longer there. 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:41.520 That is your job. 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:45.280 Yeah, and I would just add to that, if you've 0:08:45.320 --> 0:08:49.199 tried everything and they are still not interested in contributing 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:51.959 to their savings account or whatever kind of fun you've 0:08:52.000 --> 0:08:56.079 opened for them. You know, nothing prepares a young woman 0:08:56.200 --> 0:08:59.120 for financial independence like having no financial safety net from 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:02.439 her parents. So maybe you don't show an interest in 0:09:02.760 --> 0:09:05.520 funding her accounts. You know, maybe she takes out a 0:09:05.520 --> 0:09:07.839 student loan and figures out how to pay it back. 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:11.440 I've seen that happen with family members of mine where 0:09:12.040 --> 0:09:15.720 their parents, especially in cases where the parent didn't really 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:18.520 have much, and then they were able to help their 0:09:18.600 --> 0:09:20.480 kid in a way that their parents weren't able to, 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:22.800 Like they would try to do too much for their kid, 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:26.400 make everything too easy, a little too laid out for them, 0:09:26.440 --> 0:09:27.920 like I'm going to open it up for you, but 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:29.240 now you have to be interested in it, you know, 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:31.240 why aren't you interested in it? Like and for me, 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:34.480 and especially as a young mom or with a young child, 0:09:34.559 --> 0:09:37.640 I think about I really want to I don't want 0:09:37.640 --> 0:09:40.440 to make it so frictionless for my kid, and I 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:44.000 want him to know that I'm there to answer questions, 0:09:44.000 --> 0:09:45.880 but for him to still like develop sort of a 0:09:45.920 --> 0:09:49.559 curiosity and an interest, and to know that if he 0:09:49.640 --> 0:09:52.160 doesn't do something, it doesn't always mean that I'm just 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:54.959 going to do it for him. Easier said than done. Obviously, 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:56.800 I'm a huge control freak and I don't want to 0:09:56.840 --> 0:09:59.280 want my baby to suffer, but I do feel like 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:01.880 at a certain point point you can't just force it 0:10:01.920 --> 0:10:04.640 on someone. You know, they have to cut. Sometimes you 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:06.199 have kids that are so hard he they just got 0:10:06.240 --> 0:10:08.719 to like fall in their ass and pick themselves back 0:10:08.800 --> 0:10:12.560 up and that's their little aha moment. Okay, should we 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:13.840 get to the second question? 0:10:14.360 --> 0:10:14.600 Yes? 0:10:14.840 --> 0:10:16.880 Poor forvor see if you Spanish. 0:10:19.480 --> 0:10:23.480 Please don't tell my family that I forgot question in Spanish? 0:10:25.320 --> 0:10:25.720 Please? 0:10:26.240 --> 0:10:27.400 All right? Do you want to read this one? 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:27.640 Tif? 0:10:28.080 --> 0:10:29.240 Sure? Okay? 0:10:29.880 --> 0:10:36.560 Also, this is someone who'd like to become be left anonymous. Okay, Hi, 0:10:36.760 --> 0:10:40.360 there love the show thanks. I'm a thirty year old 0:10:40.400 --> 0:10:43.680 single male. I currently make about one hundred and seventy 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:48.480 five k annually from my job. Okay, bank, I'm that's me. Obviously, 0:10:48.559 --> 0:10:51.360 he didn't say that I'm one hundred percent debt free. Yes, 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:55.280 and have a profitable townhouse printil. But I'm facing a 0:10:55.360 --> 0:10:59.640 huge problem. Okay, it's probably more emotional than financial. I 0:10:59.720 --> 0:11:03.120 want my mom to get life insurance or burial insurance 0:11:03.120 --> 0:11:06.560 at minimum. My family has been impacted by the prison 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:10.520 industrial complex and drugs, and so I was essentially raised 0:11:10.520 --> 0:11:13.520 by the Department of Family Services in Florida. Okay, I 0:11:13.640 --> 0:11:15.880 want to build a relationship with mom, but I don't 0:11:15.920 --> 0:11:18.360 feel that I should be on the hook financially to 0:11:18.520 --> 0:11:20.040 take care of her as she ages. 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:21.440 I also think she. 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:25.920 Should be responsible for her own funeral services. I feel 0:11:26.040 --> 0:11:28.640 that by taking care of her I will have ruined 0:11:28.679 --> 0:11:31.400 everything I have worked for. I hear the pain in 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:34.480 her voice when she asked me for help. Do we 0:11:34.640 --> 0:11:37.439 have an obligation to take care of our parents given 0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:39.400 that we were raised by the system or am I 0:11:39.480 --> 0:11:40.679 being selfish? Woof? 0:11:43.400 --> 0:11:44.720 I know heavy. 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:48.839 I have so much empathy for what this person is 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:53.400 going through. So thank you for opening up. I've dealt 0:11:53.440 --> 0:11:57.080 a little bit with feelings like this, feeling of guilt, 0:11:57.480 --> 0:12:01.199 not necessarily with one of my parents, but certainly family. 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:04.560 You know who you only hear from when they need something. 0:12:05.240 --> 0:12:07.760 It wasn't my mother or my father, but a very 0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:11.439 you know, a close relative of mine, I'll say, someone 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:14.840 I grew up with. I did eventually reach the point 0:12:14.880 --> 0:12:17.680 in in my mid twenties where I made a decision 0:12:17.720 --> 0:12:20.680 purely for my own mental health and for my well being, 0:12:20.880 --> 0:12:24.640 to not have a relationship with that person. I didn't 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:27.160 strike out thinking I need to just cut this person off, 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:29.959 but I realized this person only waned one with me 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:33.280 if I were to give them money, and I understood 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:36.120 when the money stopped, that relationship would stop. And I said, okay, 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:40.000 and I allowed that to happen. Those feelings of I mean, 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:44.640 it's so difficult because it's obviously a father I'm sorry, 0:12:44.679 --> 0:12:48.000 a mother's son relationship, which is just so it's just 0:12:48.120 --> 0:12:52.000 so fraught and so intense. But I would just say, 0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:55.800 you have to be true to your feelings and forgive yourself. 0:12:55.960 --> 0:12:59.800 You did not ask for all of these struggles, and 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:03.360 it's not necessarily not every child sees it as a 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:05.880 responsibility to care for their parents, even if they have 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:08.839 been in their lives, you know, their whole life. You 0:13:09.000 --> 0:13:11.360 have to support her in a way where you are 0:13:11.400 --> 0:13:14.160 true to yourself and to what makes you happy. Part 0:13:14.200 --> 0:13:16.079 of me is like, I really really hope that you're 0:13:16.400 --> 0:13:20.600 seeing a therapist or someone with experience and mental health 0:13:20.720 --> 0:13:24.800 to help you work through this relationship, because as someone 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:27.839 who has used therapy to help rebuild some relationships in 0:13:27.920 --> 0:13:30.559 my life with loved ones, it's been so powerful and 0:13:30.679 --> 0:13:34.760 so helpful to have that outlet to talk through and 0:13:34.840 --> 0:13:36.880 really look at the way that you're feeling and the 0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:40.360 emotions that you're having and help unpack them. That's what 0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:40.959 I would say. 0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:42.120 And here's the thing. 0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:47.319 Even you don't have an obligation to take care of 0:13:47.360 --> 0:13:50.160 anyone honestly, I mean, well that's not true. You have 0:13:50.240 --> 0:13:52.720 an obligation to take care of your children, like because 0:13:52.760 --> 0:13:54.760 you brought them here, Like that is your obligation. Not 0:13:54.840 --> 0:13:58.319 everybody meets it, but that is your obligation. But honestly, 0:13:58.520 --> 0:14:02.280 even even it sounds crazy, even if a parent was 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:05.640 awesome to you, and you know they were great, I mean, 0:14:06.160 --> 0:14:07.839 of course many of us would be like well, of 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:09.280 course I'm gonna take care of a parent that was 0:14:09.320 --> 0:14:13.480 there for me. But ultimately, adults have an obligation to 0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:16.719 take care of themselves. Kids are the only ones who 0:14:16.800 --> 0:14:19.080 are like, I'm sorry, sis, I don't know how to cook. 0:14:19.120 --> 0:14:19.480 I'm three. 0:14:19.560 --> 0:14:21.680 I'm gonna need you to do this, bruh. Like I 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:23.520 can't change my own diaper. You need to handle it. 0:14:23.680 --> 0:14:28.040 But so just keep that in mind. And I think 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:31.000 that you know, trying to get her to get burial 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:34.360 insurance is actually, you know, a good idea. I don't 0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:37.720 know if you've thought of therapy for yourself, not because 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:39.120 I want you to, you know, have to take care 0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:43.400 of your mom or whatever, but because you have accomplished 0:14:43.480 --> 0:14:47.760 a lot despite you know, all that's happened, and it 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:50.360 just might help to release. I've had some anger of 0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:52.280 some of my childhood stuff and it really helped me 0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:54.560 to release, letting go of some of those things so 0:14:54.640 --> 0:14:56.600 I can fully live, presently, enjoy. 0:14:56.760 --> 0:14:57.360 You deserve that. 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:00.560 And there's a really great book that you should read 0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:03.680 by a sister. Her name is nir Dra don't know 0:15:03.720 --> 0:15:06.160 her last name, but it's called Boundaries. Her book came 0:15:06.200 --> 0:15:08.800 around out the round around the same time that minded. 0:15:09.560 --> 0:15:12.360 She's a therapist, a licensed therapist, and she really talks 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:16.400 and teaches how to set boundaries that are healthy for you. 0:15:17.200 --> 0:15:19.400 I have a hard time setting boundaries and that's something 0:15:19.440 --> 0:15:22.520 I'm working on actively, and so I want you to 0:15:22.560 --> 0:15:25.040 be able to set whatever boundary you think is right 0:15:25.120 --> 0:15:27.680 for you without the guilt and the shame, do what 0:15:27.800 --> 0:15:29.960 you think you want to do, and being okay with 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:32.000 not doing what you don't want to do. 0:15:32.240 --> 0:15:33.480 So I just commend you you. 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:36.440 I don't know if you talk to like high schools 0:15:36.480 --> 0:15:38.600 and things like that, but honestly you should. They need 0:15:38.680 --> 0:15:41.560 to see men who have come a mighty long way 0:15:41.760 --> 0:15:44.720 and look how successful you are. Honestly, like, aside from 0:15:44.760 --> 0:15:45.920 your mom, I just want to pat you on the 0:15:45.960 --> 0:15:48.160 back and give you a hug and say I'm proud 0:15:48.200 --> 0:15:48.320 of you. 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:49.440 Honestly I am. 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:52.680 And so if you haven't thought about that, you should, 0:15:52.840 --> 0:15:56.480 because more boys need to see men like you who 0:15:57.160 --> 0:15:59.520 had a really rough beginning and yet have seen their 0:15:59.560 --> 0:16:00.480 way to the side. 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:04.560 So just yeah, So just congrass absolutely, And if this 0:16:04.720 --> 0:16:08.600 relationship is keep preventing you from feeling that pride and 0:16:08.680 --> 0:16:11.200 the joy that you should in yourself, then you know, 0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:13.920 that's a that is something that may not have a 0:16:13.960 --> 0:16:16.360 financial impact on you, but it can definitely take a 0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:18.920 toll mentally on you. You need to be able to 0:16:19.880 --> 0:16:23.280 start your own life starting you. You spent such a 0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:26.480 huge part of your life being a ward of the state, 0:16:26.560 --> 0:16:31.240 it sounds like, and jerked around, probably by other people's schedules, 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:35.760 other people's needs, other people's obligations. And you're finally thirty. 0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:39.040 You are making a really great salary, you are debt free, 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:40.920 you are doing so many things right, and you are 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:45.000 in complete control. You at a time when it's just 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:47.360 it's just a magical probably time for you to just 0:16:47.400 --> 0:16:49.160 feel like you are in control of your own destiny, 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:52.240 and you know you should really be able to enjoy that. 0:16:53.080 --> 0:16:55.720 So what was that book, Tiffany Boundaries? Yeah, bound to 0:16:55.800 --> 0:16:57.080 give that to a couple of people as well. 0:16:57.200 --> 0:17:01.560 Yeah, Boundaries. Yes, but her name is near Dre. She's 0:17:01.600 --> 0:17:03.440 a she's she's a doctor, she's a therapist. 0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:03.720 I know that. 0:17:03.840 --> 0:17:05.720 Let me look it up, Boundaries, because. 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:08.080 I think her book is doing really well too, which 0:17:08.520 --> 0:17:11.360 leads me to believe that it must be it must 0:17:11.400 --> 0:17:13.359 be really good. I bought it, I haven't read it yet, 0:17:13.600 --> 0:17:17.600 so it's called actually it's called Set Boundaries, Find Peace, 0:17:18.280 --> 0:17:20.960 A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. So that's what it's called, 0:17:21.000 --> 0:17:24.119 Set Boundaries, Find Piece, a Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. And 0:17:24.320 --> 0:17:29.359 it's by Nidra Glover, tawab So, n E. D r A. NEARDR. 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:33.480 Glover and then tawwab So. It's got so many great 0:17:33.560 --> 0:17:36.200 reviews and people are like, this has really helped me 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:39.320 to really re look at why I make the choices 0:17:39.359 --> 0:17:41.520 that I make. So I highly suggest that for you 0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:43.920 if you want to read the audible. She's on ig 0:17:44.280 --> 0:17:46.240 She's got really great posts. I look at her posts 0:17:46.240 --> 0:17:49.600 all the time about like girl, it's okay to say no, 0:17:50.320 --> 0:17:52.679 she's just she just seems like just such an awesome 0:17:52.800 --> 0:17:55.320 she's a therapist, like I said, and just just an 0:17:55.359 --> 0:17:58.800 awesome resource for what you're experiencing in anyone out there 0:17:58.840 --> 0:17:59.760 who's experiencing that. 0:18:00.800 --> 0:18:03.240 Can we talk a little bit about the personal finance 0:18:03.320 --> 0:18:05.440 bit of this, where he's wanting his mom to get 0:18:05.480 --> 0:18:08.359 life insurance or burial insurance. You know, I think that 0:18:08.400 --> 0:18:11.080 that's definitely an option. I think you need to prepare yourself. 0:18:11.160 --> 0:18:13.320 I'm kind of like my therapist is always asking me well, 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:16.040 let's think about the worst case scenario. They don't get 0:18:16.119 --> 0:18:19.520 the insurance and they pass away and you have to 0:18:19.560 --> 0:18:21.000 pay for the funeral expenses. 0:18:21.520 --> 0:18:22.359 What do you do? 0:18:22.600 --> 0:18:24.680 Or you don't have to You honestly don't have to, 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:27.879 but that is something that happens. You know, they never 0:18:27.920 --> 0:18:29.840 get insurance because you can't control her. She's an adult 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:31.720 at the end of the day. What would your reaction 0:18:31.920 --> 0:18:33.760 be and to kind of put your like kind of 0:18:33.840 --> 0:18:37.040 role play with that situation and make a decision and 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:39.600 like be okay with it and recognize that I have 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:42.000 a choice. I'm making this choice and it's okay because 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:45.920 you really can't force her to purchase anything like that. 0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:50.600 If insurance maybe is intimidating to her, you could possibly 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:53.520 encourage her to set aside just some cash savings, you know, 0:18:53.640 --> 0:18:56.000