WEBVTT - Let's Get Intimate 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.359 Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:07.360 --> 0:00:15.040 So Catherine, you're gonna kill me? Oh no, like kill me. 0:00:16.079 --> 0:00:17.520 But it's scared. 0:00:20.480 --> 0:00:22.320 So this episode is about sex. 0:00:24.600 --> 0:00:29.240 I'm so mad at you. Well, have fun hosting by yourself. 0:00:29.840 --> 0:00:30.520 I'm just kidding. 0:00:30.920 --> 0:00:34.919 Well, we have doctor Vivienna coming on. She's actually a 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:39.120 sex expert. And you know, when we were discussing you 0:00:39.159 --> 0:00:41.000 coming on the podcast, You're like, I can come today, 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:44.520 and I was like great. I was like I would 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:48.000 love for you too, because you know, sex just isn't 0:00:48.040 --> 0:00:50.080 your favorite topic in the world. 0:00:51.520 --> 0:00:54.920 Not in front of like, however many people listen to. 0:00:54.920 --> 0:01:00.560 This, it's in front of Okay, Okay, it's right, you're right, 0:01:00.600 --> 0:01:05.600 you're right, and so, but it just so happened. You're like, 0:01:05.640 --> 0:01:08.720 but I have to be out from this time to 0:01:08.760 --> 0:01:10.800 this time, and I'm like, oh, I was like, it's 0:01:10.840 --> 0:01:16.280 like you somewhat knew that, Like you like that you 0:01:16.400 --> 0:01:19.520 had to be unavailable from like the time that she 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:21.960 was able to be on because that's how much she 0:01:22.200 --> 0:01:23.600 loathed talking about sex. 0:01:23.760 --> 0:01:24.520 Thank god. 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:27.680 Where do you think that comes from? Is it like 0:01:27.720 --> 0:01:30.319 a like a taboo thing from like. 0:01:30.360 --> 0:01:31.520 Probably from childhood? 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:34.240 Yeah, we didn't talk about it a lot, very like 0:01:34.600 --> 0:01:38.080 southern Baptist Christian family, like it just wasn't We didn't 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:39.800 talk about a whole lot, but definitely not sex. 0:01:40.200 --> 0:01:41.399 So what do you how do you think you'll do 0:01:41.440 --> 0:01:43.160 that with the kids then, so that way it's not 0:01:43.319 --> 0:01:45.800 like the you know that kind of we've. 0:01:45.600 --> 0:01:49.040 Actually talked about it a lot, you have, Yeah, yeah, 0:01:49.080 --> 0:01:51.880 I've already had like a full conversation with my nine 0:01:51.920 --> 0:01:52.240 year old. 0:01:52.480 --> 0:01:57.280 Now the nine yeah, hey, they say eight is too late. No, yeah, 0:01:57.400 --> 0:01:57.960 I know what. 0:01:58.080 --> 0:02:00.320 I didn't even know it sex was until like, well, 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:04.040 yeah the freshman year school. 0:02:05.400 --> 0:02:07.440 Well I definitely knew before that, but I heard from 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:09.920 everybody else, not you know, my family. 0:02:10.000 --> 0:02:12.359 How old were you when you honestly found out about sex? 0:02:12.400 --> 0:02:13.200 I heard about sex. 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:17.480 I think I was like eleven, probably fourth or fifth grade. 0:02:17.600 --> 0:02:19.200 I mean we talked. Grade is when they teach you 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:22.799 about sperm and stuff, right, isn't that word? 0:02:22.840 --> 0:02:24.000 Like I just don't think my kids. 0:02:24.120 --> 0:02:26.440 There was a video we had to watch where it's 0:02:26.480 --> 0:02:31.000 like you saw sperm like this little like floaty thing, 0:02:31.160 --> 0:02:33.480 and then it talked about like our periods, and then 0:02:33.520 --> 0:02:37.280 I just remember being like this sucks. But that was 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:39.120 fifth grade and then never spoke about it again. 0:02:39.240 --> 0:02:41.560 So what did your parents talk to you about it? 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:42.200 Not once? 0:02:43.120 --> 0:02:45.160 So you just went the opposite way. You love to 0:02:45.200 --> 0:02:47.440 talk about it and I hate to talk about. 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:51.160 It just you know, but yeah, so, I mean, they 0:02:51.240 --> 0:02:52.880 honestly say eight is too late. 0:02:53.440 --> 0:02:55.840 Well, the problem is is that when people start talking 0:02:55.880 --> 0:02:58.000 so like, Okay, my twelve year old is a boy. 0:02:58.240 --> 0:03:01.200 My husband had that conversation. But I knew one of 0:03:01.200 --> 0:03:04.880 his best friends, when he was probably about nine, had 0:03:04.919 --> 0:03:08.080 already had that conversation with his parents, had been asking 0:03:08.200 --> 0:03:11.160 questions about other stuff. 0:03:11.400 --> 0:03:16.480 And what like kissing, touching penis is the giants. 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:17.640 Like rape, Like he had asked a question about rape, 0:03:17.680 --> 0:03:21.520 I know, at nine, and so I was very concerned 0:03:21.560 --> 0:03:24.480 that he was going to then have the conversation with Cayden. 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:27.320 So I had Nick have that conversation. I don't know 0:03:27.320 --> 0:03:29.200 a whole lot about how that conversation went. 0:03:30.080 --> 0:03:33.200 You didn't ask Nick for work, but of course you. 0:03:33.160 --> 0:03:36.720 Know he had a couple of Burmans before. No, so 0:03:36.800 --> 0:03:38.840 they've had that conversation. I left, and Kayden and I 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:40.040 have talked about it also. 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:42.880 Like what do you talk about? That's the thing, like, 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:45.280 like what's like a cause I'm like, so I don't 0:03:45.280 --> 0:03:49.320 even know. I'm like, well you the vagina. 0:03:49.680 --> 0:03:52.240 Well, here's the thing. It depends on the kid. Like 0:03:52.360 --> 0:03:54.560 Kayden doesn't ask questions. He just sat there, so I 0:03:54.560 --> 0:03:57.120 think it was extremely uncomfortable for Nick, and he talks 0:03:57.160 --> 0:04:00.640 about stuff all the time. Yeah, any though, my nine 0:04:00.680 --> 0:04:03.520 year old she asked questions, so it's actually easy, like 0:04:03.560 --> 0:04:05.400 what kind of questions, Like, well, we started we're sharing 0:04:05.440 --> 0:04:07.640 about periods. We started with periods, and then we walked 0:04:07.640 --> 0:04:11.600 about tampons and how they and then you move on 0:04:11.760 --> 0:04:13.440 and it's like, okay, have you heard of sex. Well 0:04:13.440 --> 0:04:14.720 I've heard of it, but I don't know what it is. 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:17.080 It's like, okay, well that's where a penis. And then 0:04:17.160 --> 0:04:19.880 you just but she kept asking questions, so it just 0:04:19.960 --> 0:04:21.520 led to it. So we had a full on conversation. 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:24.960 Did she ask like why do people do that? Because 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:26.360 like that would be a question I would ask like 0:04:26.400 --> 0:04:29.360 why do why does a penis in a vagina get together? 0:04:30.520 --> 0:04:32.160 I mean I think she did. 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:34.080 I think, what do you say? Like it just feels good? 0:04:34.960 --> 0:04:39.479 I don't remember, and I had it like I was 0:04:39.480 --> 0:04:40.480 so proud of myself. 0:04:40.520 --> 0:04:43.120 But having said that, I still don't enjoy it. 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:48.080 Having it and talking about it. 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:52.520 Thanks, you know, mark the rule of thumbs kind of 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:55.600 if they're asking questions about it, it's time to talk 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:57.400 about it, and you can kind of gauge by their 0:04:57.480 --> 0:05:00.000 questions how deep you should go into it. 0:05:01.000 --> 0:05:03.560 What do you think about the eight is too late? 0:05:04.240 --> 0:05:05.440 It depends on what they're asking. 0:05:05.480 --> 0:05:07.240 If they're not asking anything that, I'm not sure I 0:05:07.240 --> 0:05:09.760 would just kind of confront them with it before eight 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:10.240 years old. 0:05:10.279 --> 0:05:11.960 I think I would kind of let them guide me. 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:15.799 Here's my rebuttal passive style. I'm a little passive. 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:20.080 Yeah, well, yes, I can be the rebuttal to that 0:05:20.279 --> 0:05:23.120 is like my twelve year old son Is would not 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:24.680 probably ever ask a question. 0:05:25.000 --> 0:05:28.840 He would just let it go. So I don't know 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:29.480 that's hard. 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:32.479 Well, yeah, I think what like I never got the 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:35.000 talk from my parents, and they might dispute that, but 0:05:35.040 --> 0:05:37.200 I don't remember ever getting it. I remember learning it 0:05:37.320 --> 0:05:40.280 in fifth grade in school and going to my friends. 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:43.480 Like, did you guys hear that the penis goes into did. 0:05:43.480 --> 0:05:43.839 You know that? 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:45.280 Yeah? Yeah, we all knew that. 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:48.200 I'm like, oh man, we wanted to do the same 0:05:48.279 --> 0:05:51.880 video last one on sex, and that's the problem though, 0:05:51.880 --> 0:05:53.960 when you asked all your friends, they already all knew. 0:05:54.360 --> 0:05:55.359 And that was fifth grade. 0:05:56.040 --> 0:05:58.280 Yeah, my daughter's going into fourth It might have been, 0:05:58.279 --> 0:05:59.880 but she was the one with a million questions and 0:06:00.200 --> 0:06:02.320 it just led to a question to a question to it. 0:06:02.440 --> 0:06:05.400 So it honestly was easy because it just I just 0:06:05.440 --> 0:06:07.760 had to answer them. But so she already knew a 0:06:07.800 --> 0:06:08.200 good bit. 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:11.400 I'm sorry. The fact that Mark just said I learned 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:13.400 that Santa Claus wasn't real, that a penis that goes 0:06:13.440 --> 0:06:15.560 into a vagina was probably the best thing I've heard 0:06:15.560 --> 0:06:16.080 this Monday. 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:18.479 That was the last one on both of those of 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:19.240 all my friends. 0:06:20.000 --> 0:06:23.559 Oh that's going to be the same, mean the Santa 0:06:23.560 --> 0:06:25.240 Claus thing, that's going to be. How old were you? 0:06:25.320 --> 0:06:27.680 I think I was actually probably in fifth grade. 0:06:28.440 --> 0:06:31.159 I don't remember. I just kind of pretended. 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:36.000 Forever I was really late because one year, some friends 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:38.760 of my parents stopped by on Christmas Eve after I 0:06:38.800 --> 0:06:40.279 had gone to bed, and they had just been at 0:06:40.320 --> 0:06:42.320 a Christmas party, so they were a dressed as Santa 0:06:42.360 --> 0:06:45.640 and Missus Claws in full costume. So the next morning 0:06:45.800 --> 0:06:48.800 my parents showed me a photo they took in our 0:06:48.880 --> 0:06:51.120 living room with Santa and Missus Clause. 0:06:51.240 --> 0:06:53.840 So as far as I was concerned, this was proof. 0:06:54.480 --> 0:06:57.760 Nobody could tell me Otherwise I would never be convinced 0:06:57.760 --> 0:06:59.480 because I had photographic evidence. 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:02.160 That is the cutest thing ever. 0:07:02.240 --> 0:07:02.400 Though. 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:05.360 I love that. I mean, and I think Santa Claus 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:08.039 and you know, mister Clause, like Missus and mister Clause. 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:09.280 I think they had sex, you. 0:07:09.160 --> 0:07:11.480 Know, although they did. 0:07:11.760 --> 0:07:12.840 Did they have babies? 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:16.560 No, there's not little there's just the hells. 0:07:16.800 --> 0:07:21.560 But I don't think hilarious Doctor Vivianna, who's coming on? 0:07:21.760 --> 0:07:25.360 She has these four uh different I think it's I 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:27.200 think it's four intimacy styles. 0:07:29.240 --> 0:07:36.600 Yeah, good thing I gotta get. I just it's I 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:37.000 don't know. 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:40.480 Do you just not enjoy it? 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:43.960 It just makes me uncomfortable to talk about I don't 0:07:44.040 --> 0:07:44.720 know why. 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:47.360 It's like our rule no talking. 0:07:47.640 --> 0:07:50.520 I'm just kidding. Yeah, it's fine, it's fine, all right, Well, Catherine, 0:07:50.600 --> 0:07:51.720 I know you don't want to talk about it. I 0:07:51.720 --> 0:07:54.920 won't talk about it anymore. I just I like sex. 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:57.840 Yeah, let's talk about it. 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:00.800 I do. I think it's healthy. But that's but I'm 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:02.640 not saying it's not not healthy. Like if that's something 0:08:02.640 --> 0:08:04.720 that you don't like to talk about We don't have 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.480 to talk about it. You know, I'll keep pushing you, 0:08:07.520 --> 0:08:09.280 but I know you will. 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:10.960 I'll get there and you don't. 0:08:11.160 --> 0:08:13.200 I mean again, like some people, I'm not comfortable with 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:19.840 what am I not comfortable with confrontation? Sure, so I'm 0:08:19.840 --> 0:08:22.520 not comfortable with that. I don't like talking about confrontation. 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:28.200 I usually just cry or or delete my number. That's 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:31.880 moving to a different country. Hate confrontation. So yeah, I mean, 0:08:32.120 --> 0:08:36.200 we all are uncomfortable with different things. So I love 0:08:36.240 --> 0:08:38.040 you and I appreciate you. Know, go have your meeting. 0:08:38.080 --> 0:08:41.120 Pam's going to hop in for you. Thanks, but I'd 0:08:41.200 --> 0:08:43.199 love to have you back for some emails at the 0:08:43.240 --> 0:08:45.800 end of the show. Okay, because you have you are 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:47.800 good with everything else but sex. 0:08:47.920 --> 0:08:49.560 Okay, thanks, we'll. 0:08:49.480 --> 0:08:51.880 Be back butt sex. 0:08:53.960 --> 0:08:54.680 That's such a guy. 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:13.079 So we have doctor Vivianna Coles coming on. She has 0:09:13.080 --> 0:09:15.920 a new book out called The Four Intimacy Styles, which 0:09:16.040 --> 0:09:18.560 I have. I don't know anything about that, do you, Pam? 0:09:18.720 --> 0:09:21.040 I don't know anything. I would love to know because 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:24.080 when I hear like, I'm like, there's different styles, Like, 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:28.439 isn't intimacy just intimacy? Like you think right, right, I mean, 0:09:28.480 --> 0:09:31.760 but now you know reading that, it's like, well, I mean, 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:36.280 just like everybody's different, I'm sure they're right. I love language. Yeah, 0:09:36.360 --> 0:09:38.000 I feel like it's one of those things too where 0:09:38.679 --> 0:09:42.160 when you know, you think about like love languages and 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:45.640 intimacy and all that, it's intimacy, isn't just sex. But 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:50.400 for a long time, like I thought that sex was intimacy. 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:52.880 And if you weren't having sex like with your partner 0:09:53.000 --> 0:09:55.040 or you know, then like something was wrong. 0:09:55.360 --> 0:09:55.720 Yeah. 0:09:55.800 --> 0:09:58.400 Yeah, because it's like it has to be wrong, right, 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:02.120 Like clearly we're not intimate, and isn't being intimate having sex? 0:10:02.800 --> 0:10:06.400 Like what ways do you like feel like what fills 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:09.760 your intimacy cup? I mean I'm kind of the same 0:10:09.800 --> 0:10:14.040 way two girls just want to have sex. 0:10:14.800 --> 0:10:18.800 Well, I mean for me, it's like that's the like 0:10:18.920 --> 0:10:22.920 the common bond, especially when you're married and you have 0:10:23.040 --> 0:10:25.720 these kids and you're like running around and can you 0:10:25.720 --> 0:10:29.960 can easily turn into just like co parenting and you know, 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:33.760 like partnerships and parenting instead of like really you know, 0:10:33.840 --> 0:10:37.360 focusing like on your relationship. So I feel like, you know, 0:10:38.360 --> 0:10:43.680 then that brings that relationship, that more intimate relationship right, 0:10:44.480 --> 0:10:44.800 you know. 0:10:44.840 --> 0:10:47.320 That was always like such a struggle because that is 0:10:47.360 --> 0:10:49.880 my thing, Like that's in our I remember our couples 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:52.160 therapist is always like okay, like what other ways can 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:54.959 can you find intimacy? And I'm just like, but can't 0:10:54.960 --> 0:10:58.200 it just be sex too? Like like I I enjoy it, 0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:00.800 like I wanna I would like to have, but there's 0:11:01.000 --> 0:11:04.280 I think it's you know, also like handholding and those things. 0:11:04.320 --> 0:11:06.679 I mean, I think I've always been like fearful, like 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:11.240 you know when like the sex stops or isn't there 0:11:11.280 --> 0:11:15.120 as like much as it was, is the relationship stopping? 0:11:15.840 --> 0:11:18.800 Oh it's a good question. Well, doctor Vivianna is in 0:11:19.080 --> 0:11:21.760 the waiting room, s let's bringer in and ask her. 0:11:21.960 --> 0:11:25.240 That's a really good question. Okay, So we were just 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:30.079 talking about obviously intimacy and you have there's four different styles, 0:11:30.120 --> 0:11:33.280 so we're dying to know what are those four different styles. 0:11:33.880 --> 0:11:34.200 Yeah. 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:36.200 So in my book The Four Intimacy Styles, I go 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:39.000 into great detail about how important it is to not 0:11:39.160 --> 0:11:42.959 just know what your own intimacy style is, but how 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:45.200 to round it out so you can have that lasting 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:48.800 physical connection with a partner, which is super important. So 0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:54.480 they're bonding release, giving, and responsiveness, and all four of 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:58.400 them are valid, all four of them are necessary. And 0:11:59.400 --> 0:12:01.520 I think that what a lot of people don't realize 0:12:01.559 --> 0:12:04.640 is that they might think that bonding is the ultimate 0:12:04.679 --> 0:12:08.520 way to experience intimacy and sexuality. 0:12:09.320 --> 0:12:13.280 But you mean as bonding sex? No bonding is because 0:12:13.280 --> 0:12:15.040 I didn't hear sex and that, I'm like, a sex is, Like, 0:12:15.160 --> 0:12:17.360 isn't that Like we're just saying like that's our number one? 0:12:17.360 --> 0:12:19.680 I'm like, what, so which one? Which one is that? 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:25.080 So I'm only talking about sexuality here. Emotional intimacy. There's 0:12:25.120 --> 0:12:28.280 so much information about there out there about it, but 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:31.160 physical intimacy is what I'm all about in this book. 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:35.400 And so bonding is a type of intimacy style. So 0:12:35.840 --> 0:12:39.560 you might feel that in order to feel physically connected 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:42.280 to somebody, you have to feel emotionally connected to them, 0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:46.520 and you do that through experiencing sexuality with them, So 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:50.920 that creates that bonding. And then giving is when you're 0:12:50.960 --> 0:12:54.440 that person who says, if you're okay, I'm okay, you're 0:12:54.480 --> 0:12:57.600 experiencing pleasure because of something that I'm doing. Oh my gosh, 0:12:57.640 --> 0:12:59.920 I feel so close to you, I feel so connected 0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:04.840 to you. And then release is whenever somebody says, I 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:11.000 really just want to get off, Yeah, and in order 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:13.920 to really feel connected to you, I need to get off. 0:13:14.640 --> 0:13:19.199 And then we have responsiveness and people who say, you 0:13:19.240 --> 0:13:21.920 know what, I'm not really thinking about sex right now, 0:13:22.240 --> 0:13:24.920 but now that we're kind of into it, I'm into 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:27.040 it and I feel close to you and maybe we 0:13:27.080 --> 0:13:29.360 can do it again soon. But they're not the ones 0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:33.240 experiencing that spontaneous desire that a lot of people think 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:37.480 should be happening. You know, it doesn't happen to everyone. Actually, 0:13:37.840 --> 0:13:40.960 very few people experience spontaneous desire that makes them them 0:13:41.000 --> 0:13:43.920 want to motivate. You know, their partners have sex. So 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:46.360 you need to have all four if you're going to 0:13:46.440 --> 0:13:49.839 be with someone forever and be getting lucky. 0:13:50.920 --> 0:13:53.720 Interesting because what happens if you don't have that because 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:56.640 you were just asking what was your question and you 0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:58.240 basically said, like, if you don't have that. 0:13:59.000 --> 0:14:02.440 Yeah, it then like what happens to the relationship, Like 0:14:02.480 --> 0:14:05.400 it's I feel like, you know, sometimes when the sex 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:07.720 stops and isn't as much as you know it was 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:10.880 maybe before, Like then yeah, like I would just get 0:14:10.920 --> 0:14:13.360 scared because of what happens to the relationship, then. 0:14:14.360 --> 0:14:16.760 Well, a lot of people are experiencing it right now. 0:14:17.120 --> 0:14:21.080 You feel like this dullness, this grayness that comes across 0:14:21.440 --> 0:14:24.480 all of the good times. So you might be experiencing 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:27.800 that French to you know, that feeling of like you're 0:14:27.840 --> 0:14:31.040 my content b and I love you for that. But 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:33.480 if you don't have the physical connection and you're not 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:38.320 experiencing consistent, satisfying physical intimacy and a relationship no matter 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:40.840 what it chooses to look like, you're going to end 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:46.160 up either together but really dissatisfied and possibly even looking elsewhere, 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:50.520 or you're going to end up feeling like physically you're 0:14:51.200 --> 0:14:54.960 you're you know, things will start atrophy, You'll start to 0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:59.080 experience depression. It can really be something that you know, 0:14:59.240 --> 0:15:02.280 emotionally drags you down, physically drags you down, and then 0:15:02.320 --> 0:15:04.680 of course a lot of people will just leave their partners. 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:08.040 Yeah, I mean I remember, oh, in my past relationship 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:10.200 like that's it was just one of those things where 0:15:10.200 --> 0:15:15.080 I'm like I wanted it more than like my partner, 0:15:15.120 --> 0:15:18.600 and it was very hard because it's like I didn't 0:15:18.640 --> 0:15:20.480 feel like it was asking for a lot, but I'm like, 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:22.840 I'm happier when we do it makes it even if 0:15:22.880 --> 0:15:26.360 I didn't get off, it was just that connection. Is 0:15:26.360 --> 0:15:29.160 that that's like what I like need, That's all I needed. 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:30.880 But firstly, I. 0:15:31.840 --> 0:15:33.920 Think for a lot of people, they don't realize that 0:15:35.240 --> 0:15:38.120 most people sign up for monogamy right, and so they're 0:15:38.200 --> 0:15:41.200 signing up for this. You are the only person that 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:43.040 I can do this with. I can tell everybody I 0:15:43.080 --> 0:15:45.360 love them, I can kiss my dog, my doctor will 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:48.360 see me naked, I'll you know, maybe on a girl's chip, 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:51.200 share a bed with someone. This is that one thing 0:15:51.360 --> 0:15:54.320 that you're only expected to do with your partner, and 0:15:54.360 --> 0:15:56.960 if it's not happening, there is going to be a 0:15:57.000 --> 0:15:59.840 feeling of something missing. And like you said, it doesn't 0:15:59.840 --> 0:16:02.760 always have to look one way. And that's why I 0:16:02.800 --> 0:16:04.840 think it's so important to know your intimacy style and 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:07.160 to know how to round it out, which is I 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:10.160 truly believe the key to making sure that it's lasting, 0:16:10.400 --> 0:16:12.600 because we all want, you know, when we get married 0:16:12.720 --> 0:16:15.640 or we decide to partner up with someone for a 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:19.000 really long time, we are truly thinking we're going to 0:16:19.080 --> 0:16:23.800 have this intimate connection both emotionally and physically forever, but 0:16:23.880 --> 0:16:25.480 we don't know how to do that, and I've been 0:16:25.520 --> 0:16:27.760 seeing client since two thousand and three. I finally was like, 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:29.120 you know, I got to get this book out and 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:31.520 just tell people this is what it takes to be 0:16:31.600 --> 0:16:35.760 physically connected forever, because nobody wants to get divorced. Nobody 0:16:35.800 --> 0:16:38.239 wants to break up. Nobody wants to have that investment 0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:42.600 and then have this physical connection, you know, dissipate or 0:16:42.760 --> 0:16:45.680 just not be satisfying, and then that's the reason why 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:47.920 they end up divorcing. The other thing is that I 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:52.160 think in America we judge people for wanting to have 0:16:52.520 --> 0:16:55.960 sex be a really prominent part of our relationships. It's 0:16:55.960 --> 0:16:58.360 almost like, well, that's that's not a good enough reason 0:16:58.440 --> 0:17:01.360 to be the satisfied. Is that y'all are having sex. No, 0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:04.600 it's a really good reason. It's a valid reason, and 0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:07.680 it's not you know a lot of people say infidelity, abuse, 0:17:08.640 --> 0:17:10.640 not caring for children, all of those things are good 0:17:10.680 --> 0:17:14.560 reasons to leave someone. Well, so is not having this 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:16.000 sexually fulfilling life. 0:17:16.640 --> 0:17:19.480 What happens or what do you say to the people that, 0:17:20.160 --> 0:17:22.919 like a therapist will say, let's take sex off the table. 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:27.119 I think it's important to take sex off the table. 0:17:28.680 --> 0:17:31.679 But that's not physical intimacy. If we're talking about sexual 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:35.360 intercourse or orgasm or very specifically, you need to ask 0:17:35.400 --> 0:17:37.280 your therapist what do you mean by that and what's 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:41.280 the point If sexuality is your way of coming back 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:45.280 together and ignoring what you just went through and sweeping 0:17:45.320 --> 0:17:49.520 it under the rug and that's your go to pattern, yes, 0:17:49.680 --> 0:17:51.600 you need to take a break so that you can 0:17:51.640 --> 0:17:55.800 really focus on what's happening between you emotionally. But for 0:17:55.880 --> 0:17:58.600 a lot of people, they do use sex as kind 0:17:58.600 --> 0:18:01.960 of like a band aid, and that's where therapists will say, Okay, 0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:04.240 we need to not cloud your judgment. We need to 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:06.320 take a break from this. This is a bad cycle. 0:18:07.080 --> 0:18:11.680 And if you're getting like kind of in a rut, 0:18:11.720 --> 0:18:14.679 is knowing your because you said like with knowing your 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:17.800 intimacy styles, that's where you're going to have long lasting, 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:22.119 like great sex, but to stay fresh? Is that also 0:18:22.240 --> 0:18:24.040 like good to know your intimacy styles or like what 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:25.720 happens if you're like, all right, we know our styles, 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:27.760 but like it's just I've been with this person for 0:18:27.960 --> 0:18:30.919 this long and I'm kind of like, how do you 0:18:30.960 --> 0:18:33.040 even have it? Because sometimes it might be awkward to 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:35.680 be like can we do, like like how to have 0:18:35.720 --> 0:18:38.640 the confidence to say something to like freshen it up right. 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:42.320 So, if you're trying to round out your intimacy style, 0:18:42.359 --> 0:18:44.719 which then would mean that you're trying to adopt twenty 0:18:44.720 --> 0:18:47.960 five percent of each of the four styles into almost 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:52.240 every sexual interaction, it takes some work. And I'm going 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:53.920 to give you lots of examples of that in the 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:55.680 book of what you can do to be more getting, 0:18:55.760 --> 0:18:57.679 what you can do to experience more release, what you 0:18:57.680 --> 0:18:59.920 can do to be more responsive, what you can do 0:19:00.080 --> 0:19:03.320 to experience more bonding. You're gonna have to put those 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:05.600 into effect. And now I have a quiz that will 0:19:05.600 --> 0:19:08.520 help you to determine what percentage of each you're at currently, 0:19:09.160 --> 0:19:11.400 so that you can know which one you need to adjust. 0:19:12.400 --> 0:19:15.560 And again it's great for engineers, but it's also great 0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:18.480 for people who are like, I don't know what I'm doing. 0:19:19.240 --> 0:19:23.560 I just know that sometimes we're feeling offfed well. The 0:19:23.560 --> 0:19:26.360 book definitely gives you lots of examples, but for instance, 0:19:27.320 --> 0:19:29.840 with somebody who's not used to being responsive. I've gotten 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:32.200 a lot of people who tag me on their quiz 0:19:32.240 --> 0:19:35.200 results and they're like zero percent responsive, and they think 0:19:35.240 --> 0:19:38.119 that that's good, well know, because what that ends up 0:19:38.119 --> 0:19:42.600 looking like in real life is that their partner is putting. 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:45.800 They're not able to allow their partner to take the 0:19:45.880 --> 0:19:46.480 lead at all. 0:19:46.920 --> 0:19:49.600 So they're partners. 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:53.120 Taking the lead, but they're feeling like it's not enough. 0:19:53.200 --> 0:19:56.560 So for instance, they they're the ones that are always initiating. 0:19:56.680 --> 0:20:00.119 The person who's zero percent responsive is always initiating. So 0:20:00.160 --> 0:20:02.919 their partner's like, okay, you're not giving me a chance. 0:20:03.880 --> 0:20:06.520 They might take a lead emotionally, but physically they're not 0:20:06.560 --> 0:20:08.640 giving the chance to step up. And so that's when 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:11.120 people say you never initiate. I always do, so it's 0:20:11.160 --> 0:20:12.280 important to take turns. 0:20:12.960 --> 0:20:15.480