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Speaker 1: Let's be honest. Life is stressful, its work, its relationships

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Speaker 1: Calm your mind, Change your life.

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Speaker 2: It used to be you have a baby, develop the

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Speaker 2: secure attachment and that's it. Our job is not to fix,

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Speaker 2: it's to be there.

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Speaker 3: Actually have the podcast called Raising Good Humans Psychologists all

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Speaker 3: these oppressmen.

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Speaker 2: Not only can you not be perfect, but it's actually

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Speaker 2: worse for your kids. I feel like discipline is so controversial.

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Speaker 2: I think of it as all feelings are welcome, all

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Speaker 2: behaviors are not.

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Speaker 4: Should everyone be a parent?

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Speaker 1: Whoa weird throw To announce that we've reached three million subscribers.

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Speaker 1: habit building, and understanding toxic relationships. Upcoming episodes include one

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Speaker 1: of the biggest names in health and science world, renowned

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Speaker 3: The number one health and wellness podcast.

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Speaker 2: Jay set Jay Shedy J.

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Speaker 1: Everyone Welcome back to on purpose. I know that you

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Speaker 1: come back here every week to become happier, healthier, and

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Speaker 1: more healed. And it's my commitment to go and find experts,

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Speaker 1: thought leaders, and thinkers that can help you on your

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Speaker 1: journey to make better decisions, to change habits, and to

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Speaker 1: transform your mindset. Now, I don't think there's potentially a

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Speaker 1: more important topic than the one we're discussing today, because

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Speaker 1: I think raising good humans, raising the future generation, and

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Speaker 1: learning how to improve ourselves in the process is probably

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Speaker 1: one of the most life changing journeys that any of

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Speaker 1: us ever go on. And today's guest is someone who

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Speaker 1: has so many great insights, so many great takeaways, so

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Speaker 1: many wonderful methods that we can all apply in our

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Speaker 1: daily lives to become better at being a good human

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Speaker 1: and raising good humans in the process. I'm speaking about

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Speaker 1: doctor Eliza Pressman. She's a developmental psychologist with nearly two

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Speaker 1: decades of experience working with families and their healthcare providers

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Speaker 1: who care for them. Eliza is also the host of

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Speaker 1: the podcast Raising Good Humans. If you're not listening already,

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Speaker 1: go ahead and subscribe. And today we're talking about her

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Speaker 1: new book that's out called the Five Principles of Parenting,

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Speaker 1: your essential guide to raising good humans. Please welcome to

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Speaker 1: On Purpose, Elisa Pressman. Alisa, it's great to have you here.

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Speaker 3: I'm so thrilled to be here.

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Speaker 4: Ah, thank you for being here.

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Speaker 1: Honestly, I'm really excited to dive in as been talking about,

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Speaker 1: and I wanted to get straight into this because I

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Speaker 1: have so many questions I want to ask you, and

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Speaker 1: I want to start off with what I believe is

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Speaker 1: the most important one. And I feel in our society

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Speaker 1: is often missed, forgotten, avoided, not even a thought. And

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Speaker 1: the question is should everyone be a parent?

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Speaker 2: WHOA I don't think we can presume to say what

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Speaker 2: anybody should or shouldn't be other than the whatever your

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Speaker 2: definition of good human is. And so if that entails

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Speaker 2: bringing kids into this world, if that's your calling, I

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Speaker 2: think you must do it in whatever way that works out.

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Speaker 2: But not everybody wants that, and it's it's, you know,

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Speaker 2: it's an assumption that we probably shouldn't be making.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely for those who want children or have always thought

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Speaker 1: they've wanted children, what would you encourage people to think

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Speaker 1: about before diving in? Because I often feel that, like

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Speaker 1: so many things in society, whether it's the degree we

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Speaker 1: end up studying, or the job we get out of college,

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Speaker 1: or getting married or having children. It almost feels like

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Speaker 1: we're on a conveyor belt and we don't really stop

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Speaker 1: to pause and reflect, which I know is one of

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Speaker 1: your key principles. We don't often stop and think, should

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Speaker 1: we are we ready? What are the qualifications, what's useful?

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Speaker 1: And we just dive in. And it's interesting that, you know,

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Speaker 1: and I've heard many people talk about this. I think

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Speaker 1: I spoke to Kristen Bell and Dax about this at

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Speaker 1: one point, and they were talking about how, like you

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Speaker 1: just get to come back from a hospital with a baby,

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Speaker 1: no exam, there's no test, and like you spend all

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Speaker 1: these years studying for a degree, or you spend a

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Speaker 1: couple of years practicing out a drive or whatever it

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Speaker 1: may be, but all of a sudden, you have a

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Speaker 1: baby without a license and nothing else. And so, what

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Speaker 1: are some of the things you'd encourage people to think

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Speaker 1: about even before becoming a parent, that you think would

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Speaker 1: help them in the process of being a parent.

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Speaker 2: I mean, ideally we all are thinking about this before

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Speaker 2: or we've become parents, because it just that reflection of like,

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Speaker 2: how did I get here?

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Speaker 3: How do we come to be who we are?

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Speaker 2: Which I think is the sort of crux of what

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Speaker 2: developmental sciences is, how do we get to be who

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Speaker 2: we are?

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Speaker 3: And what then.

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Speaker 2: Happened in that process that I want to bring to

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Speaker 2: parenting and what do I want to let go of?

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Speaker 2: And if you take the time to reflect, then you

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Speaker 2: can be intentional about your parenting. So the idea that

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Speaker 2: we can do this before we have kids. If you

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Speaker 2: are in a position to talk to your partner about

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Speaker 2: that and really think through that, talk to yourself about that,

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Speaker 2: you can have a mission statement for how you want

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Speaker 2: to be as a parent. It's not like what your

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Speaker 2: kid's going to be like, because you have no idea what.

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Speaker 3: Your kid's going to be like.

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Speaker 2: That's a fantasy that you can decide, but we can't.

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Speaker 2: They are whatever seed is planted is planted and that

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Speaker 2: flower blooms. But we have so much capacity to be

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Speaker 2: intent and so that reflection before you're even trying to

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Speaker 2: have kids is so beneficial and it's actually linked with

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Speaker 2: secure attachment relationships.

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Speaker 4: Oh wow, talk to me about that connection. I didn't

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Speaker 4: realize that. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So one of the things in the research on human development.

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Speaker 2: Is that having a secure attachment relationship with your child

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Speaker 2: or with you know, as the child has with one caregiver,

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Speaker 2: and that is you know, a whole other. We're probably

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Speaker 2: part of this conversation. It's so deeply protective. It buffers

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Speaker 2: the impact of trauma. It's so important. And not everybody

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Speaker 2: grew up with that. So about sixty five percent of

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Speaker 2: us came from secure attachment relationships. If we didn't, and

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Speaker 2: we reflect back and we think through what was going on,

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Speaker 2: how we came to be who we are, how we

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Speaker 2: learned how to be loved, how we experienced love, how

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Speaker 2: we gave love, we then have a much higher chance

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Speaker 2: of turning what could have been just an autopilot to

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Speaker 2: a different kind of relationship into this secure attachment.

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Speaker 1: Now, no what everyone's thinking right now, they're thinking, at

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Speaker 1: list I wish you told me this five years ago.

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Speaker 1: You'd have saved me right Like, I feel like a

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Speaker 1: lot of our listeners may have already had children.

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Speaker 4: And it's natural. Again, I'm not judging anyone.

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Speaker 1: It's such a part of our community in society. And

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Speaker 1: and then I think a lot of people, especially our community,

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Speaker 1: who is really smart and thoughtful and intentional and listens

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Speaker 1: and goes. You know what, actually I realized that, but

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Speaker 1: I've already had children now and I feel like I've

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Speaker 1: made mistakes. What are some of the most common mistakes

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Speaker 1: people come up to you with where they're feeling guilt

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Speaker 1: and shame And I feel so sad for that, because again,

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Speaker 1: you couldn't have known. You didn't know, and now that

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Speaker 1: you know, as Maya Angelou said, now you know better,

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Speaker 1: you can do better. What have you seen are some

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Speaker 1: of the biggest mistakes people carry around as guilt and

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Speaker 1: shame when there when they have become parents.

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Speaker 2: Well, I think so importantly attachment reallyationships.

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Speaker 3: Are dynamic, so you weren't just like it used to be.

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Speaker 2: We used to think like you have a baby, you

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Speaker 2: develop the secure attachment, it's like a bond and that's it.

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Speaker 2: But we know now it's dynamic, and so if you

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Speaker 2: have a five year old or a sixteen year old

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Speaker 2: or a thirty five year old, you can still grow

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Speaker 2: that healthy attachment relationship.

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Speaker 3: So you can change.

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Speaker 2: And that's what your audience knows all the time. And

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Speaker 2: it's true about relationships with your kids. But I think

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Speaker 2: that shame is from thinking like I wasn't there enough.

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Speaker 2: There's shame in not being able to fix whatever your

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Speaker 2: child's going through. And what I hope everybody gets from

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Speaker 2: certainly this conversation is that our job is not to fix,

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Speaker 2: it's to be there. And that's what secure attachment is.

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Speaker 2: Even in your adult relationships. It's like, who can sit

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Speaker 2: with me through all of these experiences, through these feelings

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Speaker 2: because we're not like the idea of being happy isn't

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Speaker 2: really about always being happy. It's about knowing you can

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Speaker 2: come back from whatever it is that you're going through

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Speaker 2: and you will be happy again. And if our kids

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Speaker 2: experience the range of things that come their way and

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Speaker 2: they know that they have someone sort of sitting by

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Speaker 2: their side, they end up in this relationship that is

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Speaker 2: securely attached and it's not like one and done and

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Speaker 2: if it didn't. You know, that's the thing that I

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Speaker 2: think is the trickiest is feeling like I'm responsible for

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Speaker 2: my child's constant happiness. I have to feel ashamed if

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Speaker 2: I wasn't there for every moment, or if I couldn't

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Speaker 2: fix that feeling, which you can't, as you know. And

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Speaker 2: I think sometimes people feel like they're maybe better or

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Speaker 2: worse at different stages. And so there's you know, like

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Speaker 2: this assumption that we're going to kind of know what

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Speaker 2: to do, the idea that you do come home from

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Speaker 2: the hospital and you're just like, okay, I guess I

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Speaker 2: just feel like in adulthood this happens all the time.

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Speaker 2: Like I remember just the first time I was, you know,

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Speaker 2: in my twenties and I had my own apartment, and

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Speaker 2: I was like, wait, I can just decide what I'm doing.

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Speaker 3: I can open a bottle of wine. Like there were

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Speaker 3: things that I still was like, I'm going to it's bizarre.

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Speaker 2: And now like that I'm the last, you know, person

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Speaker 2: in charge of whatever, and there's nobody that I'm supposed

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Speaker 2: to ask and I can make a decision. I'm still

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Speaker 2: kind of like, is that okay?

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Speaker 4: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: And so the idea that you're just like in charge

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Speaker 2: of raising a whole human being or more is really

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Speaker 2: daunting and we all kind of think everybody else knows.

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Speaker 3: We don't know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think those two things really resonated with me,

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Speaker 1: this idea of I want to fix all their problems

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Speaker 1: and I'm not there them enough, and I can feel

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Speaker 1: like I can obviously only relate to them theoretically from

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Speaker 1: a parenting standpoint, but I can relate to them in

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Speaker 1: my other relationships, So whether it's with my younger sister,

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Speaker 1: whether it's with my wife, or whether it's with the

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Speaker 1: people I love in my life. And I can only

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Speaker 1: imagine how that is amplified with a child that you're

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Speaker 1: you know, that feeling and so, how do you carry

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Speaker 1: that weight and almost loosen that control that is naturally

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Speaker 1: it feels so got instinct correct, right, It doesn't feel

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Speaker 1: like that's a bad idea. Yeah, it feels like that's

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Speaker 1: the best thing, that's what you were made for. And

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Speaker 1: then you're failing at it, and so how do you

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Speaker 1: do what you just said? How do you carry that

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Speaker 1: weight at the same time is recognized that you need

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Speaker 1: to put it down?

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Speaker 2: I mean, I think that that's where the idea of

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Speaker 2: repair and the what we know about repair comes in

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Speaker 2: is that in the same way that we build muscles,

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Speaker 2: like you need tiny little ruptures in the muscles to

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Speaker 2: grow stronger muscles, we have to have tiny moments of disrepair,

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Speaker 2: of not being exactly the right parent, of not being

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Speaker 2: able to fix the feeling, of the feeling being really

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Speaker 2: really hard, of the experience being a fail in order

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Speaker 2: to grow stronger relationships. And so I think taking the

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Speaker 2: weight off is much more easy or comes by more

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Speaker 2: easily when you remind yourself, like, I'm actually building this

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Speaker 2: muscle for my child and for me. So every mistake

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Speaker 2: is to me this like, Okay, I just because you

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Speaker 2: have this relationship, because you're invested, because you're intentional, you're

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Speaker 2: going to blow it.

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Speaker 3: You're not going to be able to fix it.

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Speaker 2: You're going to feel like, oh my god, did I

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Speaker 2: ruin my kid? And no, you invested in resilience building

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Speaker 2: because you're there. If you were like, oh, well, you know,

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Speaker 2: like rot and suffer, that's a totally different thing. But

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Speaker 2: nobody listening to this is that. And so I think

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Speaker 2: that lifts the weight of not only can you not

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Speaker 2: be perfect and not only can you not fix everything,

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Speaker 2: but it's actually worse for your kids. And it is

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Speaker 2: important to acknowledge what you said, which is it's still

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Speaker 2: appropriate to want to of course, like.

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Speaker 3: You you should.

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Speaker 2: I think we all want to help the people we love,

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Speaker 2: and it is amplified with the people that you are

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Speaker 2: raising because it's like, I can make this better, I

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Speaker 2: have capacity to change this, to call the school, to

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Speaker 2: call the friend, to change the system, to.

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Speaker 3: Move to whatever.

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Speaker 2: But when we can get a little bit more sort

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Speaker 2: of accepting of the fact that it is so hard

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Speaker 2: to watch someone struggle, but when they're struggling next to

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Speaker 2: you and you can be there for them and help

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Speaker 2: them understand that that is part of being a person.

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Speaker 2: It's not dangerous. Feelings are not dangerous. You're giving them

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Speaker 2: such a gift that that's where I think you can

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Speaker 2: let go of the weight.

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Speaker 1: Well, yeah, I think when I'm listening to you, I'm

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Speaker 1: thinking it takes almost the same amount of energy to

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Speaker 1: shame yourself as it does to shift yourself.

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Speaker 3: Oh wow, yeah.

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Speaker 1: Right, this idea of I'm going to sit here and

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Speaker 1: keep replaying the mistake I made and the wrong thing

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Speaker 1: I said, and how I messed up in this moment,

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Speaker 1: or I do reflect on that as you would say,

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Speaker 1: I do reflect on that, and now I know what

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Speaker 1: I need to say next time, and what I need

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Speaker 1: to say now and how to behave differently. And that

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Speaker 1: takes the same amount of time, It takes the same

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Speaker 1: amount of energy, it takes the same amount of effort.

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Speaker 1: But on negativity bias naturally takes us into.

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Speaker 3: That it's like a spiral spiral, yeah.

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Speaker 1: And just self judgment, self criticism that we then pass

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Speaker 1: down on to our children as they see us do that.

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Speaker 2: And then you're you know when you when you shift it,

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Speaker 2: you're actually building the very strength of the relationship that

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Speaker 2: you're lamenting, yes for the mistake.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, when you when you were saying that, I

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Speaker 1: was thinking about I almost feel like when I speak

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Speaker 1: to a lot of parents as well, and I speak

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Speaker 1: to my community and audience, there's a feeling of I

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Speaker 1: went through something I never want my kids to go

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Speaker 1: through that, right, or I didn't get this opportunity.

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Speaker 4: I really want them to get this opportunity.

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Speaker 1: So our life becomes this mirror projection of what I've

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Speaker 1: called before, the gifts and gaps in our lives. So

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Speaker 1: if our parents gave us gifts, we want them to

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Speaker 1: have those same gifts. And if our parents left gaps,

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Speaker 1: we want to fill those gaps for the kids. And

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Speaker 1: so in that mindset, how does that mindset create challenges

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Speaker 1: and issues and how do we actually tweak and refine that.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I think we overcorrect and so if we're

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Speaker 2: reflective and we can say, Okay, this is the thing

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Speaker 2: I really didn't have and I really want my kids

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Speaker 2: to have. But let me be aware that that doesn't

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Speaker 2: mean that I should forget about, for example, boundaries. You know,

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Speaker 2: if I didn't receive a lot of affection and love

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Speaker 2: and connection, am I going to be so worried that

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Speaker 2: I'm not giving enough of that to my child that

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Speaker 2: I'm scared of the limits and boundaries that are necessary

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Speaker 2: for their safety.

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Speaker 3: I think that happens all the time.

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Speaker 2: And so it's all middle path, you know, like if

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Speaker 2: we notice that something really really matters to us, can

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Speaker 2: we let it matter without overcorrecting and forgetting about these

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Speaker 2: other things?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and that's so odd.

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Speaker 1: I know, it's such a challenge, Like I feel like

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Speaker 1: that controller inside of us, and I feel that there's

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Speaker 1: such a experience that we're having of what we're trying

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Speaker 1: to heal in our children is what we're trying to

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Speaker 1: heal in ourselves. And so there's this constant belief that

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Speaker 1: I think I'm trying to heal them, but really I'm

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Speaker 1: just preaching to myself and processing something internal. But our

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Speaker 1: self awareness is so warped sometimes or hidden that we

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Speaker 1: can't see that we think we're doing it.

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Speaker 4: Just for the benefit.

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Speaker 1: How do you break that veil, Like, how do you

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Speaker 1: kind of how do you reflect effectively? I think that's

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Speaker 1: the question I'm asking, Yeah, what is effective reflection? Because

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Speaker 1: I think we can all ponder and maybe our reflection

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Speaker 1: takes us as far as yeah, you know, my parents

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Speaker 1: like always forgot my birthday. I won't forget my kid's birthday.

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Speaker 1: I'll do it right. Or yeah, you know, my dad

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Speaker 1: never turned up to my sports games, and so if my.

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Speaker 3: Kids sports like to miss the thing, Yeah, yeah, so

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Speaker 3: that's good.

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Speaker 1: But what is the most effective version of reflection that

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Speaker 1: makes it such a big part of your five principles?

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Speaker 2: So I think if you can write down, like set

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Speaker 2: a timer and for five minutes and write down the

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Speaker 2: story of who you are as a parent that your

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Speaker 2: child's going to explain to their grandchildren, Oh wow, just

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Speaker 2: five minutes, who are they describing? And then circle the

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Speaker 2: words that really keep coming up and make that your

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Speaker 2: mission Like this is my mission statement as a parent,

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Speaker 2: and I now know sort of my north star, and

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Speaker 2: within that framework, I'm going to reflect and decide if

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Speaker 2: it's still working or am I overcorrecting. So like, for example,

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Speaker 2: if one of the things that keeps coming up is

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Speaker 2: I want to be present.

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Speaker 3: I want to be present. I want to be present.

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Speaker 2: And the way you're translating it is you're not missing

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Speaker 2: a game to the point where your child doesn't know

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Speaker 2: how to enjoy themselves without the audience, to the point

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Speaker 2: where it feels like they are so the center of

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Speaker 2: your universe that they are worried that you are not

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Speaker 2: a person without them. Then you would want to pivot

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Speaker 2: and say, I can be present without being invasive, you know,

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Speaker 2: But I think that that's the easiest way is to

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Speaker 2: check into how is this? I mean, in a scientific paper,

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Speaker 2: you'd say, how is this operationalized? And in life, I

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Speaker 2: would genuinely do that exercise regularly, like kind of every

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Speaker 2: year and check in. And the other thing that I

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Speaker 2: think is very interesting about it is if you figure

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Speaker 2: out kind of what your mission statement is like in

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Speaker 2: this is this parent or in this household, if you're

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Speaker 2: doing it with your co parent or again, you can

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Speaker 2: keep it to yourself, but as your kids get older,

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Speaker 2: if you say to them, my mission in this as

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Speaker 2: a parent is this, you know, these three things were

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Speaker 2: really important to me. What do you think my mission

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Speaker 2: or our mission statement is? And if your kids come

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Speaker 2: back to you as they're older, and your like kindness,

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Speaker 2: empathy and presence, and they're like education, persistence and money.

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Speaker 2: That's okay, But then it's a moment to say, huh,

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Speaker 2: there's one of two things happening here. Either I'm not

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Speaker 2: parenting in the way that I mean to, because the

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Speaker 2: messaging is clearly not getting across. Or I'm not honest

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Speaker 2: with myself about what I'm really going for because there's

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Speaker 2: no right or wrong. No, But it's more like, how

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Speaker 2: do I keep checking in with it so that that

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Speaker 2: reflection is taken into action.

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Speaker 1: Hey, you're just catching me as I have my midday

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Speaker 1: pick me up. I'm sure you've heard about Juni. Radi

393
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,399
Speaker 1: and I put all of our love into creating this

394
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Speaker 1: amazing drink. It's full of new tropics and adaptogens, great

395
00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:02,320
Speaker 1: for that little bit of energy and hance, focused and

396
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:05,560
Speaker 1: a happy mind. And guess what, it's only five calories

397
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,960
Speaker 1: and absolutely no sugar. I hope you're going to try

398
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,680
Speaker 1: it out. It's available right now at Target if you're

399
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,320
Speaker 1: a Target shop, I head there right now and at

400
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,320
Speaker 1: Sprouts as well this summer.

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00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:17,520
Speaker 4: Go grab your Juni.

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Speaker 1: So interesting how two people can have the exact same

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Speaker 1: experience with the same parents, yet respond so differently. I

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00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,960
Speaker 1: played a lot of sports growing up, and my mum

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00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,200
Speaker 1: would be taking care of my sister and rarely would

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Speaker 1: my dad show up. And I took that and I

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Speaker 1: have a good relationship with my dad now, and I

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Speaker 1: took that as a sign of I got to decide

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Speaker 1: who I wanted to be. And it's been probably one

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Speaker 1: of the best things that ever happened to me that

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Speaker 1: my dad didn't sho up because I had no one

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Speaker 1: to impress apart from myself. Yes, and I love that

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Speaker 1: because till this day, I make decisions based on not

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Speaker 1: completely I have challenges too, but I make wholly. I

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Speaker 1: will reflect on decisions as to how do I feel

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Speaker 1: about this, because I'm the person that I have to

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Speaker 1: live with, and I think that's one of my favorite

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Speaker 1: qualities that I've been able to gain in life. But

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Speaker 1: I also know a lot of people who've been through

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Speaker 1: the same thing, and they've just feel abandoned, they feel discouraged,

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Speaker 1: they feel like no one was ever there for them.

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Speaker 1: They weren't able to learn self validation in the process.

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Speaker 1: And it's almost like as parents, when you're trying to overcorrect.

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Speaker 1: It's that you don't know how a child is going

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Speaker 1: to respond to your presence or your absence, And I

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Speaker 1: think we can kind of get into a whirlwind around that.

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Speaker 1: And I like what you're saying, this idea of actually

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Speaker 1: reflect with them totally. It's such a beautiful way as

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Speaker 1: they get older of like, what does that mean? And

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Speaker 1: I think that requires such a maturity on a parent's

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Speaker 1: part because it's hard.

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Speaker 4: To do that.

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Speaker 2: It is, it is, but then you get to also

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Speaker 2: model for your kids this thing that we wish maybe

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Speaker 2: was modeled for us. Reflection and also just to your

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Speaker 2: point about the different responses. And I write about this

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Speaker 2: in the book, and this is a big part of

438
00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:04,919
Speaker 2: the literature and developmental science, but temperament really is real.

439
00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:08,119
Speaker 2: And I like how doctor Thomas Boyse talks about it

440
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:13,240
Speaker 2: as orchids, dandelions, and then later folks said they studied tulips.

441
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:17,040
Speaker 2: But it's like a way of looking at how the

442
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,960
Speaker 2: environment influences you. That's kind of You're born this way right,

443
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,040
Speaker 2: you come into this world, has nothing to do with

444
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:29,320
Speaker 2: anything that your parents have done. You are responding to

445
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:31,560
Speaker 2: the wind in a different way than the next child.

446
00:24:32,119 --> 00:24:36,679
Speaker 2: And so an orchid is going to thrive in certain sunlight,

447
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,399
Speaker 2: water and soil. But we've all or maybe not all

448
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,280
Speaker 2: of us, but I certainly have tried to raise orchids

449
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,560
Speaker 2: and they're like, it's like a stump because I just

450
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:52,600
Speaker 2: wasn't I wasn't sensitive enough to that particular flowers need.

451
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:56,159
Speaker 2: And so I learned about the plants that needed less

452
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,280
Speaker 2: and I could fill my house with those, but you

453
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:03,760
Speaker 2: can't do those. And so but like a dandelion child,

454
00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:07,320
Speaker 2: and these are real, like they studied these orchid babies

455
00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:10,040
Speaker 2: for real, like as babies, not as actual flowers, but

456
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,880
Speaker 2: just label them as orchids and dandelions. And a dandelion

457
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:18,240
Speaker 2: is probably going to grow with just like your basic sunlight,

458
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,320
Speaker 2: water and soil, your basic love connection and some boundaries

459
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,080
Speaker 2: and rules. And they're they're gonna go to the game,

460
00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:27,840
Speaker 2: not go to the game. They're gonna be fine. But

461
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:31,920
Speaker 2: if you if you have a kid that isn't thriving

462
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:36,640
Speaker 2: and that's happening, then it's also it's very courageous, it's

463
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:40,040
Speaker 2: very vulnerable, but asking ourselves like what do I need

464
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:44,480
Speaker 2: to give in order for this flower to bloom? And

465
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,600
Speaker 2: it's gonna be different for every child. So it's not

466
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,920
Speaker 2: like you have one way to parent and that's it,

467
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 2: but you know, and it's not as exhausting as it sounds.

468
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:57,000
Speaker 2: It's more just like, okay, this one because you see

469
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,600
Speaker 2: it pretty quickly, Like as you get to know your kids,

470
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,400
Speaker 2: you're like, this one notices the sound of the air

471
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 2: conditioning more easily. This one does not notice if anything

472
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,280
Speaker 2: is going on, like they're just sort of moving around

473
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:13,000
Speaker 2: the world and nothing's getting to them. Other kids are

474
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:16,800
Speaker 2: like this tag is itchy. It's temperament. It's not because

475
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:20,119
Speaker 2: you know the parent was over coddling. It's like you

476
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:23,480
Speaker 2: can amplify these things, of course, like you could take

477
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,680
Speaker 2: a kid who's very sensitive, ignore their needs, ignore their needs,

478
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,080
Speaker 2: ignore their needs, and they're probably going to be extra needy.

479
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,800
Speaker 2: Or you can take a kid who's extra sensitive and

480
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:36,440
Speaker 2: turn that sensitivity into beautiful empathy and creativity and curiosity

481
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:42,080
Speaker 2: and thoughtfulness, but you're still dealing with the same sensitivity.

482
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:46,720
Speaker 2: So I just think that recalling that you could go

483
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,520
Speaker 2: through experiences like not having a parent come to your

484
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 2: game and no, let's say you have a kid and

485
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,400
Speaker 2: you're like, my dad never came to the games, and

486
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,400
Speaker 2: this is why I'm kind of amazing at knowing what

487
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,560
Speaker 2: I need and knowing that I'm not doing it for

488
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,720
Speaker 2: everybody else, and I'm not performing to please a parent.

489
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,760
Speaker 2: But then if your child says, can you.

490
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,960
Speaker 4: Please come to a game, yeah, you can't apply that.

491
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:10,880
Speaker 3: You have to say yes.

492
00:27:11,359 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 2: But I think what would be great is that you

493
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,399
Speaker 2: know in your heart, yes, I'm going to go to

494
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,639
Speaker 2: some of those games, but I don't have to go

495
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,119
Speaker 2: to all those games in order for this child to thrive.

496
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:22,640
Speaker 2: And that's the gift of the lesson that you got

497
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:23,280
Speaker 2: from your father.

498
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:24,640
Speaker 4: I love that.

499
00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:28,680
Speaker 1: I so appreciate the nuance of that and the sensitivity

500
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,359
Speaker 1: of that, because I think that's where we trip ourselves up,

501
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:34,199
Speaker 1: where it's like, oh, that's the lesson I learned. I

502
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:36,280
Speaker 1: don't need to go to any games. They'll learn independence

503
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,199
Speaker 1: because that's what I learned. They are different, They're an

504
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,560
Speaker 1: old kid or whatever else it may be, and that

505
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:45,160
Speaker 1: lack of sensitivity and that lack of connectivity with them

506
00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:50,160
Speaker 1: and noticing their temperament and noticing their environment that they

507
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,600
Speaker 1: need is often what happens. And I also find that

508
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 1: this kind of what you were saying, this idea of

509
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,320
Speaker 1: when we're noticing these things in them. When we notice

510
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:07,440
Speaker 1: inadequacies or lacks in a child in what we perceive

511
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:11,439
Speaker 1: to be an inadequacy, it's because we're having this feeling

512
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:15,400
Speaker 1: of we're inadequate because we haven't been able to have them.

513
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 4: Not have that issue.

514
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I find that we're trying to solve it

515
00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:21,960
Speaker 1: so that we can solve that inadequacy inside of ourselves,

516
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,639
Speaker 1: and then when it doesn't solve, and then we keep thinking, well, it.

517
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:25,720
Speaker 4: Must be me, it must be me.

518
00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:26,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, what's me?

519
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,240
Speaker 4: How do you process that? Door?

520
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:33,159
Speaker 1: What's what's a healthy practice to have when that seems

521
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:34,160
Speaker 1: to be a recurring theme.

522
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:38,040
Speaker 2: You know, it's really interesting because as you were saying that,

523
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,880
Speaker 2: I was thinking about what really pisses me off? Like

524
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:46,880
Speaker 2: what what when do I get When do I disappoint

525
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,680
Speaker 2: myself as a mother? And it's when my kids are

526
00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:54,040
Speaker 2: doing something that I feel is hard for them, or

527
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:58,200
Speaker 2: they get hurt or something is like they should be

528
00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:00,680
Speaker 2: better at this because of my pain parenting and.

529
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:02,400
Speaker 3: I was the one who blew it.

530
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,560
Speaker 2: And so my anger is not at all at them,

531
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 2: but it comes out it can come out at them,

532
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,480
Speaker 2: which is the only thing that sort of motivates me

533
00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:15,800
Speaker 2: to deal with it because we just feel like such

534
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:19,160
Speaker 2: failures and a lot of the time it's just like,

535
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:23,960
Speaker 2: wait a second, can I also look at what's the

536
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:28,600
Speaker 2: benefit of having something different going on for this child?

537
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:34,280
Speaker 2: Like maybe it means that they're going to see things

538
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:38,560
Speaker 2: in a clearer way, or maybe it means that because

539
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,320
Speaker 2: this is bothering them, they're going to pay attention. Now

540
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 2: I don't know what this is, but like, because you know,

541
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 2: this is a silly example, but let's say itchy tags

542
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:50,480
Speaker 2: bother them, and there are sensory issues and all sorts

543
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,280
Speaker 2: of things, but we're not getting into that. But because

544
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:56,720
Speaker 2: itchy tags bother them, and they really like soft clothing,

545
00:29:57,280 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 2: and there's You're like, I've raised this kid who can't

546
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:02,560
Speaker 2: function in the world, and now I'm mad at myself

547
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:04,800
Speaker 2: because I'm like, just deal with it. But if you

548
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:09,000
Speaker 2: could say, I wonder if this is what strength will

549
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:12,040
Speaker 2: this bring for them instead of looking at it as

550
00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:16,959
Speaker 2: a weakness. Is it possibly just different than you? Because

551
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,080
Speaker 2: one of the things about temperament is also like what

552
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:24,440
Speaker 2: kind of flower are you? Because there's something that researchers

553
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:27,480
Speaker 2: have long looked at, which is it's called goodness. A

554
00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:30,320
Speaker 2: fit and when a parent and a child has a

555
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:34,080
Speaker 2: good fit, their temperament matches well, they tend to do

556
00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,160
Speaker 2: better and so they're not going to change. But we

557
00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:39,560
Speaker 2: have more capacity to sort of pay attention to that.

558
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,720
Speaker 2: And so another thing that we can think about is like,

559
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:47,400
Speaker 2: what is my temperament? How do I respond to the environment,

560
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,560
Speaker 2: and why is that bothering me? And also if you

561
00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:55,640
Speaker 2: feel like because I would say an example that happens

562
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:57,800
Speaker 2: a lot is if you have a kid who's more

563
00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:02,240
Speaker 2: sensitive and you're just like kind of a dandelion. It's annoying.

564
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,680
Speaker 2: You know, you have to take a lot more care

565
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:07,520
Speaker 2: and a lot more time. But you could have one

566
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:11,680
Speaker 2: parent who's like, I'm so sensitive, they're so sensitive. I'm

567
00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 2: going to be so attuned that maybe it's too much,

568
00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 2: maybe maybe they won't learn, you know. So it's again

569
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:20,720
Speaker 2: back to paying attention then coming to the middle of

570
00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:24,800
Speaker 2: it and saying, okay, one of us. Let's say you

571
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,760
Speaker 2: have two parents, and you can say one of us

572
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:31,440
Speaker 2: is able to notice those sensitive moments.

573
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:33,400
Speaker 3: We're able to sort of be attuned.

574
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 2: So I'm going to pay less attention to that skill

575
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:40,920
Speaker 2: that I have so naturally, and I'm going to focus

576
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:45,040
Speaker 2: on not panicking when my kid is uncomfortable. But maybe

577
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:49,080
Speaker 2: the more dandelion like parent is going to say, I

578
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:52,600
Speaker 2: think I've got the not worrying so much about them

579
00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:54,720
Speaker 2: and thinking they can handle it. So I'm going to

580
00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:57,160
Speaker 2: focus on being more attuned to what's going on for them,

581
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 2: and so we just like it's this, you know, constant

582
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:04,040
Speaker 2: sort of. It's not hard, though, it's I think it's interesting.

583
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,040
Speaker 2: I think if you look at it as curious and interesting,

584
00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 2: it's not like, oh my god, how much is there

585
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:11,920
Speaker 2: to think about? But it's just like in their small moments,

586
00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:14,360
Speaker 2: you know, we're just kind of paying attention. And when

587
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:19,640
Speaker 2: you have that capacity to give attention to things, it's

588
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:24,120
Speaker 2: it's not that hard. It's what's hard is that we

589
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:26,960
Speaker 2: just want it to be right all the time and

590
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:29,840
Speaker 2: not hard. But the like when you let go of

591
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:33,320
Speaker 2: it and you're just like, all right, my tendency is this,

592
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:35,200
Speaker 2: I'm going to I'm going to go on the other

593
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:38,600
Speaker 2: side of it and challenge myself more often than not

594
00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:41,840
Speaker 2: fifty five percent of the time. I think you can

595
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:47,120
Speaker 2: really develop incredible relationships with your partner with your kids

596
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:50,680
Speaker 2: because you're basically saying I'm not going to assume that

597
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:51,880
Speaker 2: you and I are the same person.

598
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:54,280
Speaker 3: I'm not telling the same story.

599
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:56,880
Speaker 2: I'm going to let you unfold as you are, and

600
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 2: I'm going to give you a little bit of my

601
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:00,480
Speaker 2: you know, like what I can offer.

602
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 1: Are there different forms of communicating with children that work

603
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,560
Speaker 1: at different ages in their journey? Like are there certain

604
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,560
Speaker 1: types of communication or forms of communication that are more

605
00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:15,400
Speaker 1: effective between zero and five, ten and fifteen or anything

606
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:19,360
Speaker 1: like that, or how do you see that communication evolving

607
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:20,440
Speaker 1: over ages?

608
00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:22,920
Speaker 2: I guess I think the first five years there's a

609
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:25,600
Speaker 2: lot more physical communication, even though of course we want

610
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:29,160
Speaker 2: to use our words, because the more exposure to language

611
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:32,239
Speaker 2: you have, the more likely you are to have, you know,

612
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:37,480
Speaker 2: sophisticated language. But physical touch is so effective and a

613
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:41,000
Speaker 2: lot of times we try to talk young children like

614
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:45,480
Speaker 2: out of feelings, and those are the times that I

615
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,800
Speaker 2: really want to encourage people to let their nervous system

616
00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 2: do the talking. So you just kind of put your

617
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,480
Speaker 2: hand on your heart, take a breath, remind yourself that

618
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 2: whatever is going on for them, they're safe. They're just upset,

619
00:33:57,960 --> 00:34:01,880
Speaker 2: and so you're lending them your nervous system, but you're

620
00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:06,440
Speaker 2: not telling them you're not like you're safe, You're gonna

621
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 2: be okay. You're just upset that you didn't get a

622
00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:11,560
Speaker 2: blue cup and you really wanted it. You're more like

623
00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:15,720
Speaker 2: reminding yourself of that quietly. You don't need to use words,

624
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:19,279
Speaker 2: and then over time you can use more words. But

625
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:23,240
Speaker 2: in general, we use too many words. I say, using

626
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:24,080
Speaker 2: so many words.

627
00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:27,640
Speaker 4: Wow, that's interesting. And the reason for that.

628
00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:31,880
Speaker 2: Is because our kids only have so much capacity to listen,

629
00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:35,919
Speaker 2: and a lot of the things that they're learning from

630
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:40,000
Speaker 2: us are watching and borrowing our nervous system.

631
00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:42,959
Speaker 3: So rather than saying.

632
00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:46,880
Speaker 2: You know whether or not something is worthy of freaking

633
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:50,399
Speaker 2: out about or telling them how to feel, they could

634
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:53,919
Speaker 2: just see that it's not scaring you. So instead of saying,

635
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 2: don't be scared, they can be scared, but they're watching

636
00:34:57,120 --> 00:35:00,480
Speaker 2: you not be scared. And like a flight attendant, I mean,

637
00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:02,240
Speaker 2: this is this shows you my issues.

638
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,759
Speaker 3: But like I am not a great flyer, though I

639
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:05,279
Speaker 3: fly a.

640
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,920
Speaker 2: Lot, and I always choose the seat close enough to

641
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:12,200
Speaker 2: the flight attendant because I just want to see how

642
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:15,799
Speaker 2: they're doing. And then if there's turbulence, I feel like

643
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:19,400
Speaker 2: they have enough experience in this world and this gig

644
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:22,120
Speaker 2: of flying that if it were worrisome, I would pick

645
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 2: up on it. And it's the same thing. If our

646
00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:26,680
Speaker 2: kids are looking at us, come on, like, so we

647
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,520
Speaker 2: don't have to say so many words, but we do

648
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:30,879
Speaker 2: have to pay attention to what's going on inside of us.

649
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:33,960
Speaker 1: That's such a good example. That is so interesting. I'm like,

650
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:38,280
Speaker 1: I don't I fly a lot. I'm not afraid of flying.

651
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:41,839
Speaker 1: But if there's bad turbulence, that's the first The first

652
00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 1: thing you do, right is I try and look at

653
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:46,200
Speaker 1: how they're doing. And it doesn't matter whether they turn

654
00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:49,399
Speaker 1: on the thing and say, hey, there's turbulence. Pretty belts

655
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:52,239
Speaker 1: and I'm watching You're looking at their face and their

656
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,640
Speaker 1: body lengths so real. Yeah. Wow, that's such a great example.

657
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:58,120
Speaker 1: And you never think about that because you think it's

658
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,879
Speaker 1: the words that do the communication. And you're so right

659
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:04,759
Speaker 1: that often you don't believe the words or you don't

660
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,440
Speaker 1: feel the words exactly.

661
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 2: And I want our kids to believe us, and so

662
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 2: if we are going to use words, we have to

663
00:36:11,239 --> 00:36:14,440
Speaker 2: believe them too. Like if you said no, no, no,

664
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:18,880
Speaker 2: I'm not upset, but you're upset, it's a mixed message

665
00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:22,319
Speaker 2: and so over time your kids aren't quite they're not

666
00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:25,440
Speaker 2: going to believe that they can read people properly because

667
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,839
Speaker 2: it's like, what's really going on? So I think part

668
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:32,600
Speaker 2: of it is fewer words, and then when you use words,

669
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:35,960
Speaker 2: tell the truth, I mean within developmental reason.

670
00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:39,920
Speaker 1: Yes, I asked a couple of people around what questions

671
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 1: they'd be interested in asking, and I think the two

672
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,200
Speaker 1: big things that came up, which I'm sure you hear

673
00:36:44,239 --> 00:36:46,000
Speaker 1: a lot of we're disciplined and.

674
00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:48,160
Speaker 4: Encouragement, like the two opposite things.

675
00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:52,680
Speaker 1: So it's like, this seems like two common parents' activities

676
00:36:52,719 --> 00:36:56,920
Speaker 1: are disciplining and trying to encourage or nurture, and so

677
00:36:57,760 --> 00:36:58,920
Speaker 1: I want to talk about each of those.

678
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:00,000
Speaker 4: Let's start with disciplining.

679
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:05,080
Speaker 1: What is the what is the right approach to discipline

680
00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:07,799
Speaker 1: in a way as you talk about creates resilience, Yeah,

681
00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:11,800
Speaker 1: as opposed to I guess if we had a mission

682
00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:16,000
Speaker 1: statement for disciplining, traditionally it would be to get things right,

683
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,560
Speaker 1: to do things well, to know what is good and bad.

684
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:20,480
Speaker 4: I feel those.

685
00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:23,960
Speaker 1: Would be traditional metrics of discipline. Yeah, what would you

686
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:27,440
Speaker 1: say are the new metrics? And and how does healthy

687
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:30,080
Speaker 1: what does healthy disciplining look like to lead to resilience?

688
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:35,200
Speaker 2: Okay, I feel like discipline is so controversial, but I

689
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:37,640
Speaker 2: think of it as all feelings are welcome, all behaviors

690
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:40,799
Speaker 2: are not. So if I had to sum it up,

691
00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 2: and I think we do think of discipline as punishment

692
00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:49,319
Speaker 2: versus teaching, and it's teaching, and if we're teaching how

693
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:53,439
Speaker 2: to move through the world, and if we're teaching kind

694
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:58,640
Speaker 2: of what's expected, what are boundaries and they're real, like

695
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:02,239
Speaker 2: they are for your emotional, physical safety, and you're not

696
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:05,080
Speaker 2: just doing them to control, but you actually are, like, no,

697
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:09,319
Speaker 2: this is a big deal because it actually influences your

698
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:12,520
Speaker 2: growth and development. It's not just for my entertainment. Then

699
00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:14,080
Speaker 2: your kids trust you a little bit more and the

700
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:17,799
Speaker 2: relationship is stronger. But I think the key with discipline

701
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:22,000
Speaker 2: is not being afraid of how our kids react to

702
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:26,920
Speaker 2: it and having the strength of purpose and belief that

703
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:30,480
Speaker 2: if they do have a negative reaction to it, we

704
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:32,399
Speaker 2: can love them all the way through it, but we're

705
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:35,560
Speaker 2: not going to change our minds about it, because that's

706
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:38,960
Speaker 2: where it gets messy, is that. And I think this

707
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:43,000
Speaker 2: is partly my whole field and industry. If we're talking

708
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,200
Speaker 2: all about how important the relationship is, and then you

709
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:49,000
Speaker 2: have this limit that you set like, this is my

710
00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:51,840
Speaker 2: expectation of you, and your child doesn't like it. This

711
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,279
Speaker 2: simply like you know, I take the phone away at

712
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:58,440
Speaker 2: night or the iPad or whatever, and your child is

713
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:01,839
Speaker 2: freaking out about it. Then you go, well, now I've

714
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 2: messed with the relationship, and so I guess I should.

715
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:08,439
Speaker 2: They're crying and I need to get back in there,

716
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,239
Speaker 2: So okay, I'll give you more time or whatever it is.

717
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:15,120
Speaker 2: And that's where we get confused. I think if parents

718
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,200
Speaker 2: really understood that feelings aren't dangerous, that kids aren't going

719
00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:20,560
Speaker 2: to say thank you for the boundaries and limits that

720
00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:23,120
Speaker 2: we set, and that we set them with the intention

721
00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:27,759
Speaker 2: of physical and emotional safety about not just them but

722
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:31,320
Speaker 2: other people. Like we're not just raising kids in a vacuum.

723
00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:33,640
Speaker 2: They have to move through the world and think about

724
00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:37,719
Speaker 2: community and other humans, and so what's comfortable for them

725
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,560
Speaker 2: might not be thoughtful to other people. And so it's

726
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:45,319
Speaker 2: that balance between be there for yourself, but also not

727
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:47,760
Speaker 2: to the extent that you can't you know that you're

728
00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:50,279
Speaker 2: entitled and don't respect that there are other people in

729
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:50,680
Speaker 2: the world.

730
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:54,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, I remember, and I think my mom got that

731
00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:57,280
Speaker 1: right from why I can at least follow that advice

732
00:39:57,440 --> 00:39:59,759
Speaker 1: because I remember in my time was a bit easier

733
00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,360
Speaker 1: because we were just playing video games, like that was

734
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:03,719
Speaker 1: the closest thing we had to a mobile phone, right,

735
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:06,480
Speaker 1: And it's I remember I'd get home from school and

736
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 1: I was allowed to watch TV for thirty minutes and

737
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:10,360
Speaker 1: play video games for thirty minutes and after that to

738
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:10,960
Speaker 1: do homework.

739
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:13,120
Speaker 4: Then we'd have dinner and then whatever that, you know.

740
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:16,799
Speaker 1: And I remember that that hour was like something I

741
00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:20,120
Speaker 1: looked forward to every single day because I'd get to

742
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:23,560
Speaker 1: watch whether it's The Simpsons or when I got older,

743
00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:25,480
Speaker 1: like Fresh Prince of bel Air or whatever it was.

744
00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:28,040
Speaker 1: And then and and those rules kind of changed over

745
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:29,600
Speaker 1: time where it's like, okay, now you get a bit

746
00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:32,000
Speaker 1: more polaystation time or whatever else it may have been

747
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:36,600
Speaker 1: as I got older. But I now look back and

748
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:39,839
Speaker 1: really value the fact that I had these limits and

749
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:43,480
Speaker 1: rules and discipline because it's created a healthy level of

750
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:47,319
Speaker 1: discipline that I value today in me. And yeah, of course,

751
00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:48,880
Speaker 1: when I was a kid, I didn't enjoy it, like

752
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,920
Speaker 1: I didn't want to do my homework and turn off

753
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:51,239
Speaker 1: the tea.

754
00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:54,040
Speaker 4: Who does want to do that? But I feel like.

755
00:40:55,520 --> 00:41:00,880
Speaker 1: It was It's interesting how yeah, I don't think my

756
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:04,759
Speaker 1: parents negotiated in the bogainy with that stuff. It was

757
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:08,239
Speaker 1: just like, no, that's just how it is. And as

758
00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:10,799
Speaker 1: uncomfortable it probably was for them that I hated them

759
00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:14,160
Speaker 1: at that time, you know, at the time, Yeah, they

760
00:41:14,160 --> 00:41:15,600
Speaker 1: were willing to live with that, and.

761
00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:17,800
Speaker 3: I guess it was for your benefit.

762
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,560
Speaker 1: Correct, And I guess that's the hard part, right. So

763
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 1: we want you want your kid to love you and

764
00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:25,320
Speaker 1: like you, and it's not fun not being liked by someone,

765
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:28,040
Speaker 1: especially when you're trying to help them, Yes, and you're

766
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:29,080
Speaker 1: trying to do good for them.

767
00:41:29,239 --> 00:41:30,480
Speaker 3: No, it's true because it's like you.

768
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:34,360
Speaker 2: I mean, there's three kind of parenting styles outside of neglectful,

769
00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,040
Speaker 2: which is not you know, that's a whole other thing.

770
00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:40,680
Speaker 2: But there's like the permissive, which is best friend parenting,

771
00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:42,440
Speaker 2: and it is so sensitive. They do like you and

772
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 2: you can play as many video games as you want

773
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:48,320
Speaker 2: and all that's great, except for it you have no

774
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,560
Speaker 2: nobody's steering the ship, and so it actually can lead

775
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:54,879
Speaker 2: to anxiety and depression and a sense that you are

776
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:59,360
Speaker 2: too responsible for things. And the other side of it

777
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,280
Speaker 2: is authority Harran, where it's fear based and it's just rules,

778
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:04,600
Speaker 2: and it's just because I said so, but without the like,

779
00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:07,440
Speaker 2: I know you really love doing this and I wouldn't

780
00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:09,640
Speaker 2: stop you from doing it if I didn't know that

781
00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:12,800
Speaker 2: it was better for your brain or whatever. So that's

782
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:17,360
Speaker 2: the middle path of like authoritative, where you're sensitive but

783
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:20,319
Speaker 2: you stick with your limits and boundaries because you know

784
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:24,160
Speaker 2: that that's going to benefit your kids. And then you

785
00:42:24,239 --> 00:42:27,160
Speaker 2: start to because it's about our comfort, like how much

786
00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:29,480
Speaker 2: can I handle of you being upset with the boundary

787
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:33,800
Speaker 2: that I set. It's not like anything else. It's really

788
00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:38,239
Speaker 2: just looking at ourselves and saying, what is my capacity

789
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:42,480
Speaker 2: for handling the discomfort knowing that I've made this choice

790
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:45,800
Speaker 2: because it's for my child's benefit, because they're definitely not

791
00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:46,760
Speaker 2: going to be like, thank.

792
00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:47,440
Speaker 3: You so much.

793
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:51,000
Speaker 2: And so when people say, like, this strategy isn't working,

794
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:53,880
Speaker 2: I'm like, that's not the goal. The goal is and

795
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:57,120
Speaker 2: for your kids to say, oh, thanks for explaining.

796
00:42:57,600 --> 00:42:58,760
Speaker 3: Now I'm just going to listen.

797
00:42:59,080 --> 00:42:59,200
Speaker 5: Right.

798
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:02,279
Speaker 4: That's so interesting, isn't it.

799
00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:05,799
Speaker 1: It's like, as humans and as adults, we believe that

800
00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:10,440
Speaker 1: getting something right means knowing the right thing to say

801
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:14,120
Speaker 1: and getting the right response, which is a response we

802
00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:17,080
Speaker 1: want or agree with And the truth is, half the time,

803
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,839
Speaker 1: when you're doing the right thing, you rarely get a

804
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:23,080
Speaker 1: response in that moment that is aligned with what you want.

805
00:43:23,160 --> 00:43:25,520
Speaker 1: Like I always say to for me, I feel like,

806
00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:27,799
Speaker 1: you know, up until eleven, I was a pretty good

807
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:30,799
Speaker 1: kid and obedient, and then eleven to twenty one, I

808
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:33,560
Speaker 1: was totally the opposite, and my parents were wrong about everything,

809
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:36,799
Speaker 1: or maybe fourteen to twenty one, And then when you

810
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:39,200
Speaker 1: kind of like twenty five, you're like, yeah, you know what,

811
00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:41,360
Speaker 1: my parents were good, Like, my parents were right about

812
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:44,000
Speaker 1: so many things, and I'm so grateful to them and

813
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:46,799
Speaker 1: all the rest of it. Like that kind of overarching

814
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:50,200
Speaker 1: feeling comes out, which, yeah, as a fifteen year old,

815
00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:53,960
Speaker 1: you know, you didn't have And it's almost like we

816
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:57,200
Speaker 1: want them to display this, Like if my parents wanted

817
00:43:57,200 --> 00:43:59,480
Speaker 1: me to display gratitude at fifteen, it was never going

818
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:00,000
Speaker 1: to happen.

819
00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:01,760
Speaker 3: Right, No, that's a great example.

820
00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:04,480
Speaker 1: Actually, yeah, right, but we all believe that we're the

821
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:07,759
Speaker 1: exception that our kids will do that. Yeah, Yet we

822
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:10,839
Speaker 1: were also the ungrateful kid. Right. It's almost I find

823
00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:13,200
Speaker 1: it because I'm not a parent, I find it better

824
00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:15,319
Speaker 1: to reflect on what I was like as a kid. Yeah,

825
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:17,279
Speaker 1: I know my parents had good intentions. I know they

826
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:19,600
Speaker 1: tried their best. I still chose to do things they

827
00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,040
Speaker 1: would never agree with, and I still chose to behave

828
00:44:22,080 --> 00:44:24,440
Speaker 1: in ways. And it wasn't because they did anything wrong.

829
00:44:24,719 --> 00:44:26,080
Speaker 1: It's just because I was a kid.

830
00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:27,800
Speaker 3: You were being a developing human.

831
00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:31,839
Speaker 2: Your description of yourself mapping with brain development, and it

832
00:44:32,320 --> 00:44:35,960
Speaker 2: tracks right like eleven to fourteen. Maybe we're just beginning

833
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:39,040
Speaker 2: to experiment with pushing them away and push back and rebellion,

834
00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:43,520
Speaker 2: and then you know, that's like puberty happens, hormones change.

835
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:46,759
Speaker 2: Then there's you know, fourteen to till you were in

836
00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:50,400
Speaker 2: your twenties. Your prefrontal cortex doesn't fully develop till eighteen

837
00:44:50,440 --> 00:44:54,040
Speaker 2: to twenty eight, and boys it's later, so it's usually

838
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:59,319
Speaker 2: not the eighteen and so you are more you know,

839
00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:03,239
Speaker 2: they say all gas, no breaks, and so all of

840
00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:06,560
Speaker 2: the things you're talking about are mapping with where your

841
00:45:06,560 --> 00:45:10,319
Speaker 2: brain was at the time. And as an adolescent, you're

842
00:45:10,360 --> 00:45:13,840
Speaker 2: about to leave the nest, and so you're supposed to

843
00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:18,440
Speaker 2: start to learn how to reject and so it's this

844
00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:22,920
Speaker 2: like push pull. Ideally, there's still moments of connection, and

845
00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:26,000
Speaker 2: you know, maybe they didn't you know.

846
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:26,520
Speaker 3: It's possible.

847
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:29,800
Speaker 2: I don't know, but it's possible that they felt rejected

848
00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:34,280
Speaker 2: by your rebellion and then you you know, you're pushing

849
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:37,799
Speaker 2: away then worked, and so they didn't come toward you

850
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:40,799
Speaker 2: and say like despite all of this, like we love

851
00:45:40,840 --> 00:45:43,759
Speaker 2: you very much, or maybe they did, But those are

852
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:47,319
Speaker 2: times of tension, and you're supposed to by the time

853
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:50,279
Speaker 2: you're ready to go out into the world, you have

854
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:54,239
Speaker 2: to feel like you know, you shouldn't can And if

855
00:45:54,280 --> 00:45:56,760
Speaker 2: it was just like cozy and delicious at all times

856
00:45:56,760 --> 00:46:00,360
Speaker 2: at home and there was none of that tension, wouldn't

857
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:02,640
Speaker 2: be motivated to grow up and go on.

858
00:46:03,320 --> 00:46:04,520
Speaker 3: So it all makes sense.

859
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:07,120
Speaker 1: That is so I've never heard it put that way,

860
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:08,680
Speaker 1: and I've never thought of it that way. That is

861
00:46:08,719 --> 00:46:12,640
Speaker 1: such a fascinating point that in order to leave the

862
00:46:12,760 --> 00:46:17,640
Speaker 1: pack you have to have a sense of rejection, autonomy

863
00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:19,440
Speaker 1: and independence just.

864
00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:21,120
Speaker 4: In the idea of development.

865
00:46:21,239 --> 00:46:23,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, like there has to be that feeling of I

866
00:46:23,920 --> 00:46:25,520
Speaker 1: can do it on my own and I will figure

867
00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:28,360
Speaker 1: it out. And yah know, my my parents, I think honestly,

868
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:34,200
Speaker 1: were able individually with me to be like I always

869
00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:36,240
Speaker 1: feel that my mom was able to be that person

870
00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:38,480
Speaker 1: who I always feel even till this day is always

871
00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:43,080
Speaker 1: there for me, but never smothering or controlling in that way.

872
00:46:44,160 --> 00:46:46,520
Speaker 1: And so it's it's been a really like I know

873
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:48,719
Speaker 1: that if no matter what was to happen, I could

874
00:46:48,719 --> 00:46:51,919
Speaker 1: always my mom would catch me. Yes, and I know that.

875
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:55,319
Speaker 1: But that's what's given me the confidence to not have

876
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:58,200
Speaker 1: to rely on it. Yeah, because it's it's there and

877
00:46:58,239 --> 00:47:02,960
Speaker 1: I know that deeply. Yeah, it's just there. And and

878
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:05,120
Speaker 1: when my dad, he was a lot more aloof But

879
00:47:05,200 --> 00:47:07,279
Speaker 1: like I said, that worked good for me because it

880
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:11,080
Speaker 1: helped me chart my own path and you know, build that,

881
00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:13,080
Speaker 1: which is interesting. I wanted to dive in a couple

882
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:14,879
Speaker 1: of things that stood out to me from the book

883
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:17,319
Speaker 1: that I've dogg here here because I've got so many

884
00:47:17,320 --> 00:47:20,560
Speaker 1: little parts that I loved that I wanted to talk about.

885
00:47:21,239 --> 00:47:22,640
Speaker 1: One of the things I was thinking about is you

886
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:25,399
Speaker 1: talk about here the idea of having a parent who's

887
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:28,200
Speaker 1: helping us through hard times. And I was thinking, I

888
00:47:28,200 --> 00:47:30,720
Speaker 1: think one of the hardest thing about a young person

889
00:47:30,719 --> 00:47:33,320
Speaker 1: going through a hard time is they don't have the

890
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:37,960
Speaker 1: vocabulary to talk about it, even even adults, but kids especially, Yeah,

891
00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:40,480
Speaker 1: even adults, like you know, it's hard even to ask

892
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:42,200
Speaker 1: your partner when they're going through a tough time, let

893
00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:44,880
Speaker 1: alone a child that And I think with our children

894
00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:47,040
Speaker 1: we try harder often than we try with our partners.

895
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:49,719
Speaker 4: But with your child, you're like, tell me what's going on,

896
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:50,360
Speaker 4: like I want to know.

897
00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:52,160
Speaker 1: I'm here to help you, and they're like I don't know,

898
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:54,600
Speaker 1: Like go away, like I don't know what I'm going through. Right,

899
00:47:55,960 --> 00:48:01,000
Speaker 1: walk us through that path and that process, because again

900
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:04,320
Speaker 1: we feel so rejected and so distant and it almost

901
00:48:04,360 --> 00:48:07,200
Speaker 1: feels like we're failing. But the real issue here is

902
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:09,600
Speaker 1: we can't get them to open up, and therefore we

903
00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:10,160
Speaker 1: can't help.

904
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:15,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's so hard because if you push

905
00:48:15,400 --> 00:48:17,680
Speaker 2: and for a lot of some kids are like disclosers,

906
00:48:17,719 --> 00:48:20,799
Speaker 2: Like there are people I was like, let me tell you,

907
00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:23,880
Speaker 2: let me tell you everything, mom, to the point where

908
00:48:24,120 --> 00:48:26,239
Speaker 2: she was probably like I really don't need to know

909
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:31,560
Speaker 2: this much. But then there are the more closed in,

910
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:34,799
Speaker 2: closed up kids. And also it just depends on your

911
00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:38,200
Speaker 2: vocabulary that you've grown up with, which is I think

912
00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:41,280
Speaker 2: that going back to like, even when you have limits

913
00:48:41,280 --> 00:48:44,480
Speaker 2: and rules, you want your kids to know, as you're

914
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:49,239
Speaker 2: describing your mom, that they have you. So if you

915
00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:52,120
Speaker 2: do mess up, yeap, you can still go to them

916
00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:54,359
Speaker 2: instead of being terrified.

917
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:55,399
Speaker 3: And so that's this.

918
00:48:55,480 --> 00:48:58,720
Speaker 2: Weird thing where it's like, here are my expectations. Also,

919
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:01,680
Speaker 2: I want to name the fact that you're going to

920
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:04,200
Speaker 2: blow it sometimes and I want to be the person

921
00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:07,359
Speaker 2: you come to, and that's something to say, not when

922
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:09,880
Speaker 2: they're struggling. And I think part of the reason why

923
00:49:09,960 --> 00:49:11,640
Speaker 2: it's hard to get kids to open up is because

924
00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:13,440
Speaker 2: we try to get in there when they're in the

925
00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:17,120
Speaker 2: center of the struggle instead of like building the vocabulary

926
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:21,000
Speaker 2: and connection outside of it. So you have the conversations

927
00:49:21,680 --> 00:49:25,680
Speaker 2: and you give the language when nobody's in the heat

928
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:27,759
Speaker 2: of the moment, so that when the heat of the

929
00:49:27,800 --> 00:49:32,400
Speaker 2: moment comes, they already know that they can come to

930
00:49:32,440 --> 00:49:34,239
Speaker 2: you and you can just say to them, I can

931
00:49:34,239 --> 00:49:37,839
Speaker 2: tell something's going on. I'm here whenever or if ever,

932
00:49:38,880 --> 00:49:42,280
Speaker 2: and then just leave space. A lot of times doing

933
00:49:42,360 --> 00:49:46,360
Speaker 2: something with a kid who's not opening up, like going

934
00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:49,040
Speaker 2: for a drive even so that you're not looking at

935
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 2: each other. And you know, I can't think of any

936
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:56,719
Speaker 2: sport right now because I'm not super sporty, but you know,

937
00:49:56,880 --> 00:50:00,359
Speaker 2: like playing, I'm like, what is it called? And one

938
00:50:00,440 --> 00:50:03,160
Speaker 2: does a game with someone now, thank you. So you

939
00:50:03,200 --> 00:50:06,799
Speaker 2: go play pickleball. You're playing pickleball, it's going to come up,

940
00:50:07,239 --> 00:50:12,560
Speaker 2: but you want to just like put little tiny moments

941
00:50:12,680 --> 00:50:16,879
Speaker 2: where you say, I'm askable, I'm tellable, and I'm not

942
00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:19,080
Speaker 2: going to say anything. And one of the things that

943
00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:21,920
Speaker 2: helps is that when your kids do tell you something,

944
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:25,480
Speaker 2: you say thank you for telling me before you have

945
00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:29,520
Speaker 2: any other reaction, and that may be your only reaction,

946
00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:32,399
Speaker 2: and then you give them a little space and then

947
00:50:32,440 --> 00:50:36,080
Speaker 2: you say is there anything I can do? And it's

948
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:38,960
Speaker 2: not you know you can fix it, it's is there

949
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:41,840
Speaker 2: anything I can do to be supportive of you right now?

950
00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:47,160
Speaker 2: And the other thing is like this is developmental too,

951
00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:50,960
Speaker 2: but when you think about teenagers versus young kids with

952
00:50:51,239 --> 00:50:53,400
Speaker 2: younger kids, you want to be This is going to

953
00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:55,879
Speaker 2: sound ridiculous if you don't think about animals this way,

954
00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:58,759
Speaker 2: but I do, so tell me if it resonates. But

955
00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:01,040
Speaker 2: you kind of want to be a dog. You're wagging

956
00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:03,280
Speaker 2: your tail when you're excited to see them. You're always

957
00:51:03,280 --> 00:51:06,400
Speaker 2: there and you're like really enthusiastic and they need that.

958
00:51:06,840 --> 00:51:10,279
Speaker 2: But then as they get older, imagine you're eleven to

959
00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:13,320
Speaker 2: twenty five year old self you need to be a cat,

960
00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:17,600
Speaker 2: so you're like a little You're there, you're always around,

961
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:22,680
Speaker 2: you're not you might you're touching their feet, like you're

962
00:51:22,719 --> 00:51:28,200
Speaker 2: not overly on top of them. But if they're interested,

963
00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:31,400
Speaker 2: they can come to you. But you're not going anywhere.

964
00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:35,160
Speaker 2: So it's like it's this safe thing where you're there

965
00:51:35,239 --> 00:51:39,640
Speaker 2: for them, but it's it's not so intense. And then

966
00:51:39,640 --> 00:51:41,560
Speaker 2: they have the opportunity to open up a little bit,

967
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,319
Speaker 2: and when they do, you don't pounce like a dog.

968
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:47,480
Speaker 2: You stay a cat who's like welcoming the information, but

969
00:51:47,680 --> 00:51:51,520
Speaker 2: not you know, saying oh my god. And then you know,

970
00:51:51,560 --> 00:51:54,960
Speaker 2: because you don't want your kids to think you can't

971
00:51:55,040 --> 00:51:55,960
Speaker 2: handle my truth.

972
00:51:56,480 --> 00:51:58,360
Speaker 3: So I'm you're not the person to tell.

973
00:51:58,560 --> 00:52:00,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I feel that's the heart time to be

974
00:52:00,760 --> 00:52:03,719
Speaker 1: the cat because you're scared about them getting involved in

975
00:52:03,760 --> 00:52:06,040
Speaker 1: the worst, the worst things, like whether it's drugs or

976
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:10,200
Speaker 1: you know, addiction to social media or getting involved in

977
00:52:10,239 --> 00:52:12,319
Speaker 1: the wrong circles, like that's the age at.

978
00:52:12,239 --> 00:52:13,200
Speaker 4: Which it's going to happen.

979
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:14,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's terrifying.

980
00:52:14,160 --> 00:52:15,040
Speaker 4: So yeah, it's terrifying.

981
00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:16,920
Speaker 1: So they're not and they're getting a driver's license. They

982
00:52:16,920 --> 00:52:19,080
Speaker 1: can drink now, you know, as you know, as they

983
00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:20,840
Speaker 1: get older, it's like it's almost like those are the

984
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,960
Speaker 1: times where you want to be more hands on.

985
00:52:24,520 --> 00:52:25,879
Speaker 3: And you are fit.

986
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:29,479
Speaker 2: That's why I say you're physically present, Like I think

987
00:52:29,680 --> 00:52:34,000
Speaker 2: toddlers and teenagers need you more present than anybody. But

988
00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:36,920
Speaker 2: we think teenagers are like off on their own and whatever.

989
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:39,880
Speaker 2: But you're home, like if they're going to a party,

990
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:43,280
Speaker 2: you're home to greet them and look into their eyes,

991
00:52:43,640 --> 00:52:45,600
Speaker 2: so you don't need to ask if they've been drinking,

992
00:52:45,680 --> 00:52:47,839
Speaker 2: because you will know when you hug them and look

993
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:50,759
Speaker 2: in their eyes, and you can have a conversation in

994
00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:53,680
Speaker 2: a different kind of way than if you're sort of

995
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:58,319
Speaker 2: like I'm out, you're out, you're older, you know, take

996
00:52:58,360 --> 00:53:00,080
Speaker 2: an uber, don't drive drunk.

997
00:53:00,360 --> 00:53:01,160
Speaker 3: I'll see you tomorrow.

998
00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:06,120
Speaker 2: So I think your presence is important, but the sense

999
00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:09,239
Speaker 2: that you're like kind of all over them verbally has

1000
00:53:09,360 --> 00:53:12,440
Speaker 2: you have to pull back a little bit, and it's terrifying.

1001
00:53:12,760 --> 00:53:16,040
Speaker 2: But if you've cultivated the relationship and you've set the

1002
00:53:16,160 --> 00:53:22,000
Speaker 2: expectations from you know about substances and social media and whatever,

1003
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:26,839
Speaker 2: it's easier. But when something's really bothering them, what they

1004
00:53:26,920 --> 00:53:29,440
Speaker 2: need is to know that they don't have to explain

1005
00:53:29,480 --> 00:53:32,280
Speaker 2: it and they can just come to you and be sad.

1006
00:53:33,600 --> 00:53:36,160
Speaker 1: What's a good way to have that social media substance

1007
00:53:36,200 --> 00:53:38,759
Speaker 1: conversation because that sounds like the.

1008
00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:41,319
Speaker 4: Worst nightmare for any parent, I know. It's like, how

1009
00:53:41,320 --> 00:53:42,640
Speaker 4: do you have that conversation?

1010
00:53:42,920 --> 00:53:48,640
Speaker 1: And again it's like you can't define whether you're going

1011
00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:51,040
Speaker 1: to get the right answer back or whatever. So what

1012
00:53:51,800 --> 00:53:54,480
Speaker 1: kind of communication around those two specific things have been

1013
00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:56,919
Speaker 1: effective for parents or that you've seen.

1014
00:53:57,360 --> 00:53:59,640
Speaker 2: Okay, So one of the things, the most protective thing

1015
00:53:59,719 --> 00:54:02,600
Speaker 2: is that you just have the conversations the relationship, and

1016
00:54:02,640 --> 00:54:05,759
Speaker 2: so you're like, over time, it's never one conversation, and

1017
00:54:05,800 --> 00:54:10,279
Speaker 2: hopefully before they're teenagers, you're starting to talk about what

1018
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:12,880
Speaker 2: these things are and what they do to your brain.

1019
00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:17,400
Speaker 2: And with substances, for example, we know that before certain

1020
00:54:17,440 --> 00:54:21,920
Speaker 2: ages your brain is so it's in such a growth

1021
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:24,880
Speaker 2: mode that you don't want to mess with that growth

1022
00:54:24,920 --> 00:54:28,040
Speaker 2: by putting substances in it. So if they have any

1023
00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:31,479
Speaker 2: thoughts about future and hopes and goals, now's the time

1024
00:54:31,520 --> 00:54:34,719
Speaker 2: to talk about that and explain that, like at a

1025
00:54:34,760 --> 00:54:38,000
Speaker 2: certain point, you're going to be able to drink at

1026
00:54:38,000 --> 00:54:40,719
Speaker 2: a certain point depending on what state you're in You're

1027
00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:43,960
Speaker 2: going to be able to smoke pot, but right now

1028
00:54:44,680 --> 00:54:49,080
Speaker 2: your brain is at a vulnerable stage, and so it's

1029
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:52,120
Speaker 2: a bigger decision now, and in this household, it's not

1030
00:54:52,239 --> 00:54:56,280
Speaker 2: on the table. And also, if you make a mistake,

1031
00:54:56,800 --> 00:55:00,400
Speaker 2: I'm the person you come to because your safety matters

1032
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:02,919
Speaker 2: more to me than anything in the world. So I'm

1033
00:55:02,960 --> 00:55:05,560
Speaker 2: never going You're never going to regret that. So I

1034
00:55:05,600 --> 00:55:08,800
Speaker 2: think it's one of those things where it's both a limit,

1035
00:55:09,160 --> 00:55:13,840
Speaker 2: a boundary, and a relationship and you're paying attention, and

1036
00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:18,960
Speaker 2: so that's one the best friend. Parenting thing can be

1037
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:22,279
Speaker 2: problematic because you're like, well, I'd rather them drink at home,

1038
00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:24,520
Speaker 2: or I'd rather them get their drugs from me, And

1039
00:55:24,600 --> 00:55:27,239
Speaker 2: this is we know from the literature. It's just not

1040
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:30,200
Speaker 2: so you don't want them to feel like, you know,

1041
00:55:30,640 --> 00:55:34,480
Speaker 2: we've sort of created a world where we want our

1042
00:55:34,600 --> 00:55:37,239
Speaker 2: kids to make it's so easy that they don't even

1043
00:55:37,280 --> 00:55:38,080
Speaker 2: have to push back.

1044
00:55:38,160 --> 00:55:40,840
Speaker 3: You're like handing them. Did you see Mean Girls the

1045
00:55:40,920 --> 00:55:43,480
Speaker 3: movie the originally the original?

1046
00:55:43,520 --> 00:55:45,279
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I love the reason you know, Tina fe

1047
00:55:45,280 --> 00:55:48,760
Speaker 2: walks not Tina fe Amy Poehler walks in like with

1048
00:55:48,760 --> 00:55:50,839
Speaker 2: with cocktails for all the girls and they're getting ready

1049
00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:54,000
Speaker 2: and they're just like ew, it's like you don't you

1050
00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:56,879
Speaker 2: You might crave connection and desperately want to give them

1051
00:55:56,880 --> 00:55:59,319
Speaker 2: the thing so that they're sticking with you, but you're

1052
00:55:59,320 --> 00:56:03,279
Speaker 2: still the parent, and there needs to be they need

1053
00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:06,759
Speaker 2: to know that it's hard to do those things, you know,

1054
00:56:06,920 --> 00:56:10,600
Speaker 2: like there are barriers so that you don't break the

1055
00:56:10,719 --> 00:56:14,880
Speaker 2: rules overtly. So let's say they do end up drinking.

1056
00:56:15,320 --> 00:56:19,080
Speaker 2: There's a difference between if your kid eventually ends up drinking,

1057
00:56:19,239 --> 00:56:22,200
Speaker 2: because you've really made it clear they can't, so maybe

1058
00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:24,520
Speaker 2: they've pushed it off. So now instead of at fourteen,

1059
00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:29,200
Speaker 2: they're seventeen, and there's a difference between drinking where they're

1060
00:56:29,239 --> 00:56:32,400
Speaker 2: just taking some SIPs of a white claw and binge drinking.

1061
00:56:32,800 --> 00:56:36,120
Speaker 2: And you talk about that with them, like I can't

1062
00:56:36,160 --> 00:56:39,040
Speaker 2: if I can smell it on you or see it,

1063
00:56:39,719 --> 00:56:43,920
Speaker 2: that's a problem. But there's there's a message in there,

1064
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:47,280
Speaker 2: which is like, if you're going to make a mistake,

1065
00:56:47,400 --> 00:56:50,960
Speaker 2: make the mistake moderately. And those are all the different

1066
00:56:50,960 --> 00:56:54,040
Speaker 2: ways to sort of help lay the ground work for

1067
00:56:54,120 --> 00:56:56,480
Speaker 2: them to do as best they can to keep safe.

1068
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,400
Speaker 2: But like you're not giving them the you know, the

1069
00:56:59,440 --> 00:57:03,360
Speaker 2: permission and the carte blanche to just kind of do whatever.

1070
00:57:03,640 --> 00:57:05,760
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's such a challenging balance.

1071
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:06,480
Speaker 3: It's so hard.

1072
00:57:06,600 --> 00:57:08,839
Speaker 1: It's so hard. Like I was thinking about it when

1073
00:57:08,840 --> 00:57:10,440
Speaker 1: I was a kid. If anything was off the table,

1074
00:57:10,440 --> 00:57:11,919
Speaker 1: that was the most attractive thing.

1075
00:57:11,800 --> 00:57:12,480
Speaker 3: In the world.

1076
00:57:12,760 --> 00:57:15,319
Speaker 2: And I think that's very important to acknowledge, is like,

1077
00:57:15,520 --> 00:57:18,200
Speaker 2: it's still going to be attractive. So if you set

1078
00:57:18,240 --> 00:57:23,440
Speaker 2: no limits, the other side of it is there needs

1079
00:57:23,520 --> 00:57:25,920
Speaker 2: to be something for a teenager to push back on.

1080
00:57:26,520 --> 00:57:29,520
Speaker 2: So if you're like, I'm going to use an example

1081
00:57:29,560 --> 00:57:33,760
Speaker 2: that's less fraut clothing. If you're like, you can wear

1082
00:57:33,800 --> 00:57:38,120
Speaker 2: whatever you want, I don't care. And you see that

1083
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:40,600
Speaker 2: your child is going out to a party in like

1084
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:45,000
Speaker 2: something very revealing and you don't say anything, then they're like,

1085
00:57:45,920 --> 00:57:48,000
Speaker 2: I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna I'm not even getting

1086
00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:50,760
Speaker 2: pushed back. This must not be revealing enough. I'm going

1087
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:55,080
Speaker 2: to now wear something ridiculously like so revealing that it's

1088
00:57:55,240 --> 00:57:57,360
Speaker 2: offensive even to me. But I'm gonna do it because

1089
00:57:57,400 --> 00:58:00,320
Speaker 2: let's see what happens. And your parents says nothing, and

1090
00:58:01,240 --> 00:58:04,880
Speaker 2: at a certain point it's like the parent is you're

1091
00:58:04,920 --> 00:58:07,240
Speaker 2: supposed to put on a sweatshirt and hide it from

1092
00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:07,720
Speaker 2: your parents.

1093
00:58:07,840 --> 00:58:10,240
Speaker 3: Take the sweatshirt off and like know that this.

1094
00:58:10,320 --> 00:58:14,040
Speaker 2: Is not something that is like their dream, but that

1095
00:58:14,120 --> 00:58:16,280
Speaker 2: you can call them if you need them, and if

1096
00:58:16,320 --> 00:58:18,720
Speaker 2: we make things so it's a balance because you need

1097
00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:22,640
Speaker 2: to be rejecting of your parents. So make the limit

1098
00:58:23,520 --> 00:58:27,160
Speaker 2: tight enough that there's, you know, something to reject and

1099
00:58:27,200 --> 00:58:29,280
Speaker 2: there's something to do that's not dangerous.

1100
00:58:30,080 --> 00:58:31,920
Speaker 3: But also know your kid's temperament.

1101
00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:33,840
Speaker 2: And there are some kids where you have to frame

1102
00:58:33,880 --> 00:58:38,880
Speaker 2: things differently because they're just like, oh, your no is

1103
00:58:38,920 --> 00:58:41,880
Speaker 2: my yes. And I think that that's something to just

1104
00:58:41,960 --> 00:58:44,400
Speaker 2: pay attention to because everybody's different and every kid is

1105
00:58:44,400 --> 00:58:45,000
Speaker 2: going to be different.

1106
00:58:45,720 --> 00:58:45,919
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1107
00:58:45,920 --> 00:58:48,800
Speaker 1: I know. But that's a really interesting point about needing

1108
00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:53,080
Speaker 1: to reject something and needing to have tension on something,

1109
00:58:53,120 --> 00:58:55,120
Speaker 1: and it's almost like if you remove the tension.

1110
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:57,040
Speaker 3: Completely, Yeah, what is there? What's there to do?

1111
00:58:57,240 --> 00:58:58,240
Speaker 4: What's there to do? Yeah?

1112
00:58:58,240 --> 00:59:00,160
Speaker 1: I know, that's that's fascinating. I want to talk at

1113
00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,960
Speaker 1: the flip side, we're talking about discipline, talking about encouraging,

1114
00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:06,240
Speaker 1: and I feel like the biggest thing people want to do,

1115
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:09,160
Speaker 1: at least the route I find, is wanting to raise

1116
00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:12,960
Speaker 1: a confident child. Right. You don't want your children to

1117
00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:15,840
Speaker 1: feel insecure about the way they look, the way they think,

1118
00:59:15,920 --> 00:59:18,480
Speaker 1: the way they act. And that seems to be the

1119
00:59:18,560 --> 00:59:22,360
Speaker 1: biggest challenge of the day with social media and everything else.

1120
00:59:22,440 --> 00:59:30,280
Speaker 1: And so there's a real sense today of insecurity, envy, comparison,

1121
00:59:31,080 --> 00:59:35,800
Speaker 1: feeling less than How do you raise a confident human?

1122
00:59:36,560 --> 00:59:39,720
Speaker 2: Well, I think there are two parts of confidence that

1123
00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:43,960
Speaker 2: we can really cultivate, and then there's separately, like behavior

1124
00:59:44,000 --> 00:59:50,120
Speaker 2: patterns that we can help along, like turning off social media,

1125
00:59:50,200 --> 00:59:53,480
Speaker 2: like taking it away if it's really just like harming you.

1126
00:59:53,560 --> 00:59:55,320
Speaker 2: So if you notice that you have a fifteen year

1127
00:59:55,320 --> 01:00:00,480
Speaker 2: old and they're fixated on how certain things holding my

1128
01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:04,160
Speaker 2: hand up, they're fixated on what naturally they're going to be,

1129
01:00:04,240 --> 01:00:06,000
Speaker 2: but like some are more inclined than others, and it's

1130
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:09,800
Speaker 2: really starting to get them down. Say to them, how's

1131
01:00:09,840 --> 01:00:12,520
Speaker 2: this is making you feel? Because what I'm noticing is

1132
01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:14,680
Speaker 2: you're feeling worse and worse when you look at this.

1133
01:00:15,760 --> 01:00:19,160
Speaker 2: So let's figure out a limit and I'll help you

1134
01:00:19,600 --> 01:00:22,280
Speaker 2: because I'll just take the phone away even when you're

1135
01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:23,520
Speaker 2: feeling like, oh, I really want to.

1136
01:00:23,480 --> 01:00:23,880
Speaker 3: Look at this.

1137
01:00:24,520 --> 01:00:28,400
Speaker 2: But it comes from this real compassion and then the

1138
01:00:28,440 --> 01:00:31,200
Speaker 2: two things for confidence that we can do. The first

1139
01:00:31,320 --> 01:00:37,240
Speaker 2: is remember that competence builds confidence, not praise, like telling

1140
01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:40,840
Speaker 2: you they're amazing is not going to make them feel

1141
01:00:40,840 --> 01:00:45,120
Speaker 2: like they're amazing. It's the competence, like helping them develop

1142
01:00:45,200 --> 01:00:48,720
Speaker 2: the skills. And those skills don't have to be that

1143
01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:51,840
Speaker 2: you're like a star violinists or tennis player. It can

1144
01:00:51,920 --> 01:00:53,760
Speaker 2: be that you know how to cook or put the

1145
01:00:53,840 --> 01:00:56,520
Speaker 2: dishes away, you know, just just.

1146
01:00:56,560 --> 01:00:58,360
Speaker 3: A functioning individual.

1147
01:00:59,320 --> 01:01:02,640
Speaker 2: And so we tend to do everything for our kids,

1148
01:01:03,240 --> 01:01:06,400
Speaker 2: even if they're capable of doing it, but then praise

1149
01:01:06,440 --> 01:01:10,840
Speaker 2: them as if that's building the confidence. And so I

1150
01:01:10,880 --> 01:01:13,360
Speaker 2: think that's one thing, and the other thing is helping

1151
01:01:13,400 --> 01:01:17,480
Speaker 2: them understand how they feel and how they are reading

1152
01:01:17,480 --> 01:01:21,680
Speaker 2: the room, because then you start to go like, okay,

1153
01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:24,680
Speaker 2: I can trust myself, and that is part of confidence

1154
01:01:24,720 --> 01:01:25,040
Speaker 2: as well.

1155
01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:28,280
Speaker 1: That competence and praise peace, that's huge. I love the

1156
01:01:28,280 --> 01:01:31,600
Speaker 1: way you said that because I've often thought about that

1157
01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:34,720
Speaker 1: with so many of my friends, because I was quite

1158
01:01:34,760 --> 01:01:39,600
Speaker 1: as shy and I would say, oh, somewhat, I was

1159
01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:43,680
Speaker 1: in skerew about my weight growing up and to some

1160
01:01:43,760 --> 01:01:46,320
Speaker 1: degree the color of my skin to like experiencing racism

1161
01:01:46,360 --> 01:01:47,600
Speaker 1: growing up and things like that.

1162
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:48,000
Speaker 4: And so.

1163
01:01:49,600 --> 01:01:52,040
Speaker 1: When I went to high school my secondary school is

1164
01:01:52,040 --> 01:01:53,960
Speaker 1: we call it in England, my parents forced me to

1165
01:01:53,960 --> 01:01:55,880
Speaker 1: go to public speaking and drama school and that was

1166
01:01:56,320 --> 01:02:00,160
Speaker 1: somewhat of my worst nightmare and parts, but it was

1167
01:02:00,200 --> 01:02:04,000
Speaker 1: really amazing because it built a competency that then became

1168
01:02:04,080 --> 01:02:07,240
Speaker 1: really interesting and useful as I came to my teens

1169
01:02:07,760 --> 01:02:09,520
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I felt like I had

1170
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:13,400
Speaker 1: a skill that I could use and implement and it

1171
01:02:13,480 --> 01:02:15,640
Speaker 1: was really helpful in so many ways, and of course

1172
01:02:15,680 --> 01:02:18,560
Speaker 1: has gone on to change my life. But I look

1173
01:02:18,600 --> 01:02:19,919
Speaker 1: at that and I often tell some of my friends

1174
01:02:19,920 --> 01:02:21,840
Speaker 1: who were parents, and I'll be like, I promise you

1175
01:02:21,960 --> 01:02:24,800
Speaker 1: just work on a skill, because that changed my life.

1176
01:02:25,200 --> 01:02:27,280
Speaker 1: And they can't imagine a world in which I was

1177
01:02:27,320 --> 01:02:30,320
Speaker 1: shy or that I was insecure, because they're like, oh, Jay,

1178
01:02:30,360 --> 01:02:31,680
Speaker 1: you must have you know, and I'm like, no, no, no,

1179
01:02:31,720 --> 01:02:35,439
Speaker 1: I promise you, Like it was developing skills that gave

1180
01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:37,880
Speaker 1: me confidence in myself. And You're right, they start really

1181
01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:40,600
Speaker 1: small of you know, you have a skill, like I

1182
01:02:40,640 --> 01:02:42,720
Speaker 1: know my wife has the skill of she's really good

1183
01:02:42,760 --> 01:02:46,000
Speaker 1: at like techy stuff around the house, which I'm horrific

1184
01:02:46,040 --> 01:02:48,600
Speaker 1: at and she like can fix the TV and fix

1185
01:02:48,680 --> 01:02:50,479
Speaker 1: this and that, and like she can do that because

1186
01:02:50,560 --> 01:02:52,520
Speaker 1: her and her dad used to do that and she

1187
01:02:52,600 --> 01:02:54,800
Speaker 1: has a competence around it, and that as a kid

1188
01:02:55,000 --> 01:02:57,160
Speaker 1: was something she knew she was good at. And I

1189
01:02:57,160 --> 01:03:01,840
Speaker 1: think it's so interesting how we often think that even

1190
01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:05,440
Speaker 1: bonding time with our children has to be social. H

1191
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:08,080
Speaker 1: And of course that's awesome, and I wonder I actually

1192
01:03:08,120 --> 01:03:10,680
Speaker 1: want to ask you about that, like how it because

1193
01:03:10,720 --> 01:03:13,240
Speaker 1: you're it's interesting what you said. And obviously my parents

1194
01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:17,880
Speaker 1: outsource the skill development because my dad would hate teaching

1195
01:03:17,920 --> 01:03:21,320
Speaker 1: me math because that was not a good good My

1196
01:03:21,400 --> 01:03:23,360
Speaker 1: dad's really good at math and I'm not so good,

1197
01:03:25,000 --> 01:03:27,200
Speaker 1: so it was great to outsource it to another teacher.

1198
01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:30,360
Speaker 1: But how do you see that parent child relationship based

1199
01:03:30,400 --> 01:03:34,720
Speaker 1: on social versus skill development and what's good to outsource,

1200
01:03:34,760 --> 01:03:36,120
Speaker 1: what's good to in house?

1201
01:03:36,400 --> 01:03:38,360
Speaker 2: Well, I think if you have to know yourself, like

1202
01:03:38,360 --> 01:03:40,400
Speaker 2: if you're going to get frustrated with your kid because

1203
01:03:40,440 --> 01:03:44,280
Speaker 2: they are not as easy to explain math to, you're

1204
01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:47,160
Speaker 2: probably not the best person to help them along with

1205
01:03:47,200 --> 01:03:50,560
Speaker 2: the math. But if you have something that you see

1206
01:03:50,960 --> 01:03:53,600
Speaker 2: even a kernel of interest in your kid, like they're

1207
01:03:53,640 --> 01:03:56,880
Speaker 2: interested in seeing how you fix the TV. Spend the

1208
01:03:56,960 --> 01:03:59,880
Speaker 2: time helping them learn how to do that, like you're

1209
01:04:00,040 --> 01:04:01,760
Speaker 2: it's a shared experience together.

1210
01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:04,960
Speaker 3: It's a shared skill building even learn how to do it.

1211
01:04:05,280 --> 01:04:07,920
Speaker 2: That teaches them growth mindset, like I'm not really good

1212
01:04:07,920 --> 01:04:10,560
Speaker 2: at this, but it looks like for first of all,

1213
01:04:10,600 --> 01:04:13,240
Speaker 2: it's great if your kids actually have a skill like

1214
01:04:13,280 --> 01:04:15,480
Speaker 2: mine are obviously better at tech than I am because

1215
01:04:15,520 --> 01:04:16,600
Speaker 2: they're in it.

1216
01:04:16,640 --> 01:04:18,280
Speaker 3: They this is their native tongue.

1217
01:04:18,960 --> 01:04:21,800
Speaker 2: So my seventeen year old is for sure the chief

1218
01:04:21,800 --> 01:04:25,520
Speaker 2: technology officer of the family, and like anything tech that happens,

1219
01:04:25,560 --> 01:04:30,000
Speaker 2: I'm like, please fix this. But it's interesting for her.

1220
01:04:30,160 --> 01:04:33,440
Speaker 2: And if that's interesting for her, what I could do,

1221
01:04:33,560 --> 01:04:36,800
Speaker 2: I don't. But what I could do is say, teach

1222
01:04:36,840 --> 01:04:39,560
Speaker 2: me how to get better at this, tell me what

1223
01:04:39,600 --> 01:04:43,400
Speaker 2: you know. And one other way to get really confident

1224
01:04:43,800 --> 01:04:46,560
Speaker 2: is to teach, like, teach what you know. That's why

1225
01:04:46,600 --> 01:04:48,680
Speaker 2: it's great when you know older kids in school teach

1226
01:04:48,760 --> 01:04:49,520
Speaker 2: the younger kids.

1227
01:04:49,520 --> 01:04:50,440
Speaker 3: It's so awesome.

1228
01:04:51,320 --> 01:04:56,240
Speaker 2: So that is the other side of skill building, is

1229
01:04:56,280 --> 01:04:59,480
Speaker 2: like allowing them to then, you know, show you what

1230
01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:02,280
Speaker 2: they've learned earned and really pay attention to it. And

1231
01:05:02,960 --> 01:05:05,840
Speaker 2: you know, checking in with what they're interested in. The

1232
01:05:05,880 --> 01:05:09,280
Speaker 2: way attention works is you have to care, you have

1233
01:05:09,360 --> 01:05:12,000
Speaker 2: to be interested. So if you're trying to get your

1234
01:05:12,080 --> 01:05:16,919
Speaker 2: kid interested in something and skilled at violin and they

1235
01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:20,760
Speaker 2: just are not interested, it's not gonna It's the thing

1236
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:23,919
Speaker 2: that you're looking for is for them to know. Whether

1237
01:05:23,960 --> 01:05:28,080
Speaker 2: it's bead making or tennis or violin, it doesn't matter.

1238
01:05:28,480 --> 01:05:32,080
Speaker 2: It's the act of working on something and getting better

1239
01:05:32,120 --> 01:05:32,560
Speaker 2: at it that.

1240
01:05:32,640 --> 01:05:33,560
Speaker 3: Builds the confidence.

1241
01:05:33,720 --> 01:05:34,840
Speaker 4: And it doesn't matter what it is.

1242
01:05:34,840 --> 01:05:36,440
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter. So we have to like let go

1243
01:05:36,480 --> 01:05:39,400
Speaker 2: of that investment. I mean, certainly there are going to

1244
01:05:39,440 --> 01:05:41,640
Speaker 2: be some things because it's just what we're going for.

1245
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:43,960
Speaker 2: Like I didn't know how to play tennis growing up,

1246
01:05:44,000 --> 01:05:46,840
Speaker 2: and I am so annoyed, Like it just bothers me

1247
01:05:46,880 --> 01:05:49,240
Speaker 2: so much. Socially, it bothers me as a grown woman.

1248
01:05:49,320 --> 01:05:51,480
Speaker 2: I'm like, I can't hang, I can't do the fun

1249
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:54,520
Speaker 2: things my friends are doing. So I force my kids

1250
01:05:54,520 --> 01:05:57,160
Speaker 2: to play tennis, not competitively, but just like you need

1251
01:05:57,200 --> 01:06:00,080
Speaker 2: to know how to do this. But and so, so

1252
01:06:00,200 --> 01:06:02,000
Speaker 2: I think you get a pass for a couple of

1253
01:06:02,040 --> 01:06:04,480
Speaker 2: those things, and you just have to acknowledge your kids like,

1254
01:06:04,800 --> 01:06:06,440
Speaker 2: I don't care if you're interested in this is a

1255
01:06:06,440 --> 01:06:10,000
Speaker 2: me problem, not a you problem, but in general, like

1256
01:06:10,120 --> 01:06:11,520
Speaker 2: let their interest lead.

1257
01:06:11,800 --> 01:06:13,920
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, no I did. I can relate to that

1258
01:06:14,000 --> 01:06:14,320
Speaker 4: so well.

1259
01:06:14,320 --> 01:06:16,840
Speaker 1: My parents forced me to learn piano and it was

1260
01:06:16,880 --> 01:06:19,120
Speaker 1: the most At that time. I was like, I hate this,

1261
01:06:19,240 --> 01:06:21,480
Speaker 1: and now I'm so sad because I think the piano

1262
01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:23,240
Speaker 1: is one of the most beautiful instruments.

1263
01:06:23,240 --> 01:06:24,880
Speaker 4: And I look back and going, God, they were right.

1264
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:26,840
Speaker 4: Why did I throw it away?

1265
01:06:27,560 --> 01:06:30,760
Speaker 1: And and you're going to have those natural experiences. They

1266
01:06:30,760 --> 01:06:34,080
Speaker 1: allowed me to quit because I was so hell bent

1267
01:06:34,120 --> 01:06:37,560
Speaker 1: on no, I don't want to do this, and they

1268
01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:39,520
Speaker 1: saw that, and so they allowed that to happen.

1269
01:06:39,600 --> 01:06:40,720
Speaker 4: And now I regret it.

1270
01:06:40,680 --> 01:06:44,080
Speaker 3: And so but that's okay, yeah, because now you'll just remember.

1271
01:06:43,880 --> 01:06:45,240
Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly exactly.

1272
01:06:45,280 --> 01:06:48,560
Speaker 1: It's it's it's interesting how I feel like it's such

1273
01:06:48,600 --> 01:06:52,040
Speaker 1: a I've been reflecting on, hopefully at one point, being

1274
01:06:52,080 --> 01:06:53,920
Speaker 1: a parent in my life a lot, and all I

1275
01:06:54,160 --> 01:06:56,800
Speaker 1: keep coming back to is this. A few things that

1276
01:06:56,880 --> 01:07:03,440
Speaker 1: keep coming to me are humility, releasing control, and the

1277
01:07:03,520 --> 01:07:06,480
Speaker 1: acceptance that I don't always know what's best or right,

1278
01:07:07,680 --> 01:07:12,360
Speaker 1: and allowing for someone else to evolve and grow just

1279
01:07:12,360 --> 01:07:15,520
Speaker 1: as I've had to despite my parents' best interests, And

1280
01:07:15,560 --> 01:07:19,760
Speaker 1: that sounds like the most beautiful lesson and the biggest

1281
01:07:19,800 --> 01:07:22,760
Speaker 1: challenge at the same time, because it's the thing you

1282
01:07:22,840 --> 01:07:24,479
Speaker 1: do want to control the most, yet can't.

1283
01:07:24,680 --> 01:07:27,560
Speaker 2: Oh, I know, it's the thing you want to control

1284
01:07:27,600 --> 01:07:31,280
Speaker 2: the most because it's the most important thing. And it's like,

1285
01:07:32,240 --> 01:07:36,400
Speaker 2: if we can accept that we can only control ourselves,

1286
01:07:36,960 --> 01:07:39,280
Speaker 2: our parenting flourishes.

1287
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:45,920
Speaker 1: And that, in one sense, is the harder answer, because

1288
01:07:45,920 --> 01:07:48,520
Speaker 1: we always think we can change things outside of ourselves

1289
01:07:48,960 --> 01:07:51,160
Speaker 1: quicker than we think we need to change.

1290
01:07:51,280 --> 01:07:56,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, that is the craziest thing about my job is

1291
01:07:56,280 --> 01:08:01,120
Speaker 2: that so much of it is and coologists in whatever

1292
01:08:01,440 --> 01:08:04,320
Speaker 2: area of psychology they're in, because there's so many different branches.

1293
01:08:04,360 --> 01:08:07,200
Speaker 2: And I'm not a clinical psychologist, but even clinical psychologists

1294
01:08:07,200 --> 01:08:11,920
Speaker 2: who are sitting, you know, a lot of times they're

1295
01:08:12,000 --> 01:08:15,480
Speaker 2: meant to be working with children, but what ends up

1296
01:08:15,520 --> 01:08:18,960
Speaker 2: happening is they're working with the adults. I'm only working

1297
01:08:19,040 --> 01:08:25,200
Speaker 2: with the adults, but I think it's because adults can

1298
01:08:26,040 --> 01:08:30,040
Speaker 2: work on themselves and control themselves, and we have this

1299
01:08:30,120 --> 01:08:32,960
Speaker 2: inclination to want to control our kids.

1300
01:08:33,240 --> 01:08:33,519
Speaker 3: Again.

1301
01:08:33,600 --> 01:08:37,439
Speaker 2: It's all with the most love and hope but we can't,

1302
01:08:38,320 --> 01:08:41,840
Speaker 2: and so that's not you know, like that's not the

1303
01:08:41,880 --> 01:08:43,559
Speaker 2: best use of our energy.

1304
01:08:44,960 --> 01:08:46,880
Speaker 4: Lisa has been such a joy talking to you today.

1305
01:08:46,920 --> 01:08:50,280
Speaker 1: Honestly, I feel like I've learned so much, I've reflected

1306
01:08:50,320 --> 01:08:53,080
Speaker 1: so much, and I want everyone who's listening and watching

1307
01:08:53,120 --> 01:08:56,200
Speaker 1: to know we have simply skimmed the surface of some

1308
01:08:56,240 --> 01:08:59,439
Speaker 1: of the insane and incredible topics and methods they are

1309
01:08:59,479 --> 01:09:02,559
Speaker 1: inside this book. If you've been listening and watching so far,

1310
01:09:02,960 --> 01:09:05,200
Speaker 1: make sure you go and order The Five Principles of

1311
01:09:05,240 --> 01:09:09,120
Speaker 1: Parenting by doctor Eliza Pressman, host of the Raising Good

1312
01:09:09,200 --> 01:09:14,040
Speaker 1: Humans podcast as well Alisa. We end every on Purpose

1313
01:09:14,040 --> 01:09:16,519
Speaker 1: episode with a final five and these have to be

1314
01:09:16,560 --> 01:09:19,280
Speaker 1: answered in one word to one sentence maximum.

1315
01:09:19,800 --> 01:09:20,679
Speaker 4: So these are.

1316
01:09:20,560 --> 01:09:23,800
Speaker 1: Your final five The question. The first question is what

1317
01:09:23,920 --> 01:09:28,040
Speaker 1: is the best parenting advice you've ever heard, received, or given?

1318
01:09:28,600 --> 01:09:30,599
Speaker 3: All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.

1319
01:09:32,040 --> 01:09:34,519
Speaker 1: What is the second question? What is the worst parenting

1320
01:09:34,560 --> 01:09:36,240
Speaker 1: advice you've ever received or heard?

1321
01:09:37,240 --> 01:09:38,880
Speaker 3: You just want your kids to be happy?

1322
01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:44,840
Speaker 1: Question number three, what's something you used to believe to

1323
01:09:44,880 --> 01:09:48,800
Speaker 1: be true around parenting, but recently you've changed your mind

1324
01:09:48,840 --> 01:09:50,280
Speaker 1: about that?

1325
01:09:50,600 --> 01:09:53,200
Speaker 3: I would be better?

1326
01:09:55,600 --> 01:10:00,200
Speaker 4: Wow, that's beautiful. That's beautiful. Question BEFO for.

1327
01:10:01,840 --> 01:10:05,559
Speaker 1: If you could encourage every parent to build one skill

1328
01:10:06,439 --> 01:10:09,280
Speaker 1: that would help them become a better parent for good humans?

1329
01:10:09,360 --> 01:10:10,240
Speaker 4: What would that one.

1330
01:10:10,080 --> 01:10:14,680
Speaker 2: Skill be one of the five that makes you the

1331
01:10:14,720 --> 01:10:19,679
Speaker 2: most uncomfortable of relationship reflection, regulation, rules, and repair.

1332
01:10:19,760 --> 01:10:20,599
Speaker 4: Yes, love that.

1333
01:10:21,560 --> 01:10:24,240
Speaker 1: And fifth and final question, if you could create one

1334
01:10:24,360 --> 01:10:27,240
Speaker 1: law that everyone in the world had to follow, what

1335
01:10:27,280 --> 01:10:27,760
Speaker 1: would it be?

1336
01:10:30,640 --> 01:10:31,479
Speaker 3: Hunt for the good?

1337
01:10:32,720 --> 01:10:36,920
Speaker 4: That's beautiful. I love that, Doctor Eliza Pressman. Everyone.

1338
01:10:37,040 --> 01:10:39,400
Speaker 1: The Five Principles of Parenting is the book. Go and

1339
01:10:39,439 --> 01:10:41,920
Speaker 1: grab your copy right now. We'll put the link in

1340
01:10:42,000 --> 01:10:46,000
Speaker 1: the comment section, and please tag me and Alisa on Instagram,

1341
01:10:46,080 --> 01:10:49,599
Speaker 1: on TikTok on Twitter. Let us know, sorry X, let

1342
01:10:49,680 --> 01:10:53,479
Speaker 1: us know what is resonating with you, what you're trying,

1343
01:10:53,640 --> 01:10:56,320
Speaker 1: what's working for you. I think, as you saw today,

1344
01:10:56,720 --> 01:10:59,280
Speaker 1: Alisa is really giving us a lot of stuff to

1345
01:10:59,320 --> 01:11:01,880
Speaker 1: play with, stuff to interact with. There's no right or

1346
01:11:01,920 --> 01:11:04,559
Speaker 1: wrong way, There's no good or bad way here. It's

1347
01:11:04,560 --> 01:11:07,439
Speaker 1: about figuring out how sensitive you can be, how close

1348
01:11:07,479 --> 01:11:09,160
Speaker 1: you can get to the human in front of you,

1349
01:11:09,640 --> 01:11:12,800
Speaker 1: how you can learn to balance and play that middle path,

1350
01:11:12,880 --> 01:11:15,840
Speaker 1: and so as you are trying all of this great

1351
01:11:15,880 --> 01:11:18,400
Speaker 1: insight out. Please do share it with us. We'd love

1352
01:11:18,439 --> 01:11:20,639
Speaker 1: to see it. I'd love to thank you again, Elisa

1353
01:11:20,720 --> 01:11:22,799
Speaker 1: for doing this, for being present here with me today.

1354
01:11:23,040 --> 01:11:25,560
Speaker 1: I really enjoyed sharing this energy with you, and I

1355
01:11:25,600 --> 01:11:27,320
Speaker 1: really believe this is going to help a lot of people.

1356
01:11:27,360 --> 01:11:29,840
Speaker 3: So thank you so much, Gosh, thank you so much.

1357
01:11:29,920 --> 01:11:31,000
Speaker 3: This has been incredible.

1358
01:11:31,479 --> 01:11:31,840
Speaker 4: Thank you.

1359
01:11:32,320 --> 01:11:35,320
Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with

1360
01:11:35,439 --> 01:11:38,639
Speaker 1: doctor Daniel Ahman on how to change your life by

1361
01:11:38,720 --> 01:11:39,599
Speaker 1: changing your brain.

1362
01:11:40,040 --> 01:11:45,000
Speaker 5: If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with

1363
01:11:45,080 --> 01:11:45,840
Speaker 5: a healthy brain.

1364
01:11:46,080 --> 01:11:46,280
Speaker 4: You know.

1365
01:11:46,320 --> 01:11:50,360
Speaker 5: I've had the blessing or the curse to scam over

1366
01:11:50,400 --> 01:11:54,880
Speaker 5: a thousand convicted felons and over one hundred murderers, and

1367
01:11:54,920 --> 01:11:56,880
Speaker 5: their brains are very damage