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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: It is important to really be clear on are they

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Speaker 2: really not willing to compromise or is this the boundary

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Speaker 2: that they have that they're upholding and knowing the difference

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Speaker 2: between the two. And if it's someone who is truly

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Speaker 2: unwilling to compromise, that's where the problem is. But if

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Speaker 2: it's someone who has a boundary and you want to

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Speaker 2: respect their boundaries, that we want that respect with deprecated.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts doctor Dominique Broussard, a

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Speaker 3: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 4: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 4: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood. Please

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Speaker 4: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 4: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 4: black women can just be.

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Speaker 3: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here from the Cultivating her

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Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

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Speaker 3: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey?

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Speaker 5: Well?

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Speaker 3: If so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

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Speaker 3: Brusard dot com. That's d R D O M I

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Speaker 3: N I q U E v R O u ssard

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Speaker 3: dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.

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Speaker 5: I look forward to hearing from you.

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Speaker 6: Our quote of the day.

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Speaker 2: All too often women believe it is a refiner commitment

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Speaker 2: an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to

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Speaker 2: forgive and forget in actuality. When we love rightly, we

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Speaker 2: know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse

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Speaker 2: is putting ourselves out of form's way. And that quote

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Speaker 2: comes to us from none other than the phenomenal Belt

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Speaker 2: Books from her.

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Speaker 6: Book All About Love.

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Speaker 2: If you haven't read it, lady, I highly highly recommend it.

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Speaker 2: So I'm gonna read that quote one more tern put

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Speaker 2: the folks in the back to really ground up in

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Speaker 2: this conversation. All too often women believe it is a

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Speaker 2: sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness

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Speaker 2: or cruelty, to forgive and forget in actuality. When we

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Speaker 2: love rightly, we know that the healthy, loving response to

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Speaker 2: cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of form's way.

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Speaker 2: Who see, that's a heavy one. It is, and Diamond's

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Speaker 2: we were going through the quotes. I'm glad you chose that.

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Speaker 6: You were like, well, yeah, this is the one, because

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Speaker 6: now after hearing you read it twice, I'm like, this

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Speaker 6: is so fitting for our conversation. That first line is

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Speaker 6: so powerful, because, baby girl, how many times have you

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Speaker 6: experienced some toxic shit and you're like, oh that was help,

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Speaker 6: chill or whatever, like oh he's so pressed, Oh he

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Speaker 6: liked me so much, me so much. And you're like,

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Speaker 6: in hindsight, I should have known I see it coming, lady. Yes,

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Speaker 6: I been in that. I've been in that position where

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Speaker 6: I have said the commitment. Yes, like I'm in it.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't matter that it's like I'm I'm still here

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Speaker 2: despite how he might be in the treating me. He

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Speaker 2: wounded and so he needs someone to stay with him,

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Speaker 2: and I'm gonna stay with him.

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Speaker 6: That is doing yourself in that person of disservice. But yeah,

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Speaker 6: let's get in, let's get into it. So what we're

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Speaker 6: gonna do, Lady, go ahead and get your group chat started,

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Speaker 6: let your late, let your girls know it's about to

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Speaker 6: go down, get your glass of wine or water, whatever

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Speaker 6: you sipping on, and let's get into the conversation. So one,

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Speaker 6: I want to read a couple of these tweets that

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Speaker 6: kind of give us examples of subtle red flags that

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Speaker 6: don't see anything initially, it's like maybe, but it's actually

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Speaker 6: problematic and it's usually a signed to something bigger and

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Speaker 6: more detrimental is on the horizon. So one of the

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Speaker 6: examples here that Libra coded shared on Twitter is using

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Speaker 6: words like you're little when it comes to me right,

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Speaker 6: so it might be oh, your little degrees or your

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Speaker 6: little friends or your little car. It's like you hate her,

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Speaker 6: Like why you hate what you're hating for? Like that's

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Speaker 6: not cute at all? Like I that condescension, huge red flag.

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Speaker 6: Another one says when we can say now isn't the

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Speaker 6: right time to talk about X y Z. But with

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Speaker 6: every other time, we don't and the man is able

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Speaker 6: to do all the things in this thread and piece,

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Speaker 6: So whether it's cheat or whatever might be. So like

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Speaker 6: you want to bring up something that they've done and

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Speaker 6: it's like, oh, now isn't a good time, But it's

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Speaker 6: never a good time to revisit it and talk about accountability, right.

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Speaker 6: I think about do you have any off the top

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Speaker 6: of your head, like before we get into the road

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Speaker 6: juicy one set for the episode.

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Speaker 2: So.

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Speaker 6: No, I think about when you set the word.

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Speaker 2: Turn right, them not having to not because you say, okay,

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Speaker 2: let's have a talk that they don't have time, but

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Speaker 2: you want to go and do something out the couple, right,

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Speaker 2: Like you're trying to spend time. There's never any time

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Speaker 2: for the things that you want to do. But when

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Speaker 2: it's something that they want, oh we're available, we're gonna

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Speaker 2: make it happen. That's a subtle sign of disrespect and

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Speaker 2: it's not going to be a healthy relationship.

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Speaker 6: That is so good. I would agree with that one. Also,

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Speaker 6: I would say when the actions really don't match the words,

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Speaker 6: Like the words sound amazing, you're like, oh my god,

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Speaker 6: but then you're like, you literally didn't do anything that

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Speaker 6: you said, or another one says rude and uncalled for comments,

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Speaker 6: followed by I'm just joking by the it wasn't joking.

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Speaker 2: Well, yes, they comes in that's one of our That

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Speaker 2: is one of our red flags though, like, yeah, even

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Speaker 2: in a teasing way, they are like and sometimes it

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Speaker 2: how you know, it moves from being subtle to it

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Speaker 2: really is like this is obvious. Is they only hit

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Speaker 2: you with the one joking after they see your hurt response.

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Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

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Speaker 6: But they really were teasing.

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Speaker 2: They would have indicated that originally, right, And I think

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Speaker 2: and I want to be clear that teasing it happened

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Speaker 2: like we team mm hmm.

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Speaker 6: However, there are.

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Speaker 2: Ways in which you can tease someone and it's not

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Speaker 2: it's not putting them down.

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Speaker 6: Yeah I'm making that and I still I think that

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Speaker 6: the thing also is that the teasing goes both ways.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, right, like it's and it's not about things that

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Speaker 2: you might be censitive about.

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Speaker 6: Right, Yes, that's a good one.

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Speaker 2: And then if you rescurn and say, like you give

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Speaker 2: feedback that the teasing isn't like this joking around is.

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Speaker 6: Not you're not with it.

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Speaker 2: Yes, in a healthy dynamic, that person will respond to

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Speaker 2: affording bill, Yes, right exactly. But if that person doesn't

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Speaker 2: stop and they keep it going, and in most interests,

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Speaker 2: when you have an unhealthy dynamic or potentially abuse of dynamic,

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Speaker 2: and that person actually amps up the teen thing.

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Speaker 6: Oh absolutely, they're like, Oh, I'm gonna definitely lean into

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Speaker 6: your insecurities. You don't like that I say this, Okay,

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Speaker 6: I'm gonna do it even more to making a secure

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Speaker 6: so I can isolate you and all the other things. So, lady,

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Speaker 6: what we're gonna do is we're gonna share additional subtle

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Speaker 6: red flags right that don't big, that are actually problematic,

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Speaker 6: and then we're going to dive into why we ignore

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Speaker 6: red flags. You really got to stay tuned for that

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Speaker 6: part because you're probably going to resonate with that. And

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Speaker 6: then Domina are going to jump into the after show

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Speaker 6: and we're going to talk about how to forgive yourself. Okay,

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Speaker 6: how do we forgive ourselves when we don't notice the

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Speaker 6: red flags? Or we do and we think they cute initially,

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Speaker 6: and then they don't turn out to be cute, and

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Speaker 6: then it's like, how do I find myself in this position? So, lady,

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Speaker 6: real quick, if you want to tune into the after show.

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Speaker 6: Go to her space podcast dot com, click on Patreon

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Speaker 6: Wisdom Wenesday with Terry and that'll give you access to

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Speaker 6: the after show when you become a patron. So don

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Speaker 6: let's get into this conversation, all right.

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Speaker 2: So we already talked about some of the warmth that

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Speaker 2: we've seen on Twitter when we talked about the team

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Speaker 2: right now, we most of us, when we are getting

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Speaker 2: to know someone new, we have a conversation about past relationships,

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Speaker 2: right because that gives you information about who they are,

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Speaker 2: who they might be interested in, what lessons they've learned, Like,

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Speaker 2: there's a lot of there's a lot of information there, right.

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Speaker 2: But if you're having this conversation about past relationships and

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Speaker 2: they describe all of their acts as crazy, then we

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Speaker 2: got a problem. That is definite reading a red flag

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Speaker 2: that you want to watch out for and you want

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Speaker 2: to walk away. Because the thing is is that even

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Speaker 2: if this person isn't isn't abusive, at a minimum, they

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Speaker 2: are emotionally immature mm hm. Because all of us should

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Speaker 2: be at a point where we can acknowledge and take

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Speaker 2: responsibility for our role within the dissolution of a relationship. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and we should also be able to talk about our

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Speaker 2: excellent then there is no way that you are a

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Speaker 2: healthy person and every single one of your exits is crazy.

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Speaker 2: You may have a few because you might have been

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Speaker 2: going through somethings, You may have been trying to do

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Speaker 2: your own healing and not really healing in those moments

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Speaker 2: in those relationships, But there is no way that every

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Speaker 2: single one of your exit is quote unquote crazy and

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Speaker 2: you're the same one.

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Speaker 4: Hey, lady, it's Terry here, Dom and I want to

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Speaker 4: take a moment to thank you for choosing to listen

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Speaker 4: to our podcast. We love you for real, and we

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Speaker 4: want to give you a chance to learn more about

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Speaker 4: what's important to us.

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Speaker 6: So tell us what you think about this.

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Speaker 7: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get

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Speaker 7: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your business,

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Speaker 7: brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine joining

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Speaker 7: our monthly virtual video check ins where you can connect

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Speaker 7: with like minded black women like you and share your

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Speaker 7: ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I. Now, I

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Speaker 7: want you to imagine a world where you're in the

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Speaker 7: exclusive Cultivating her Space sanctuary Slack channel and throughout your

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Speaker 7: day and week, you are conversing with us about what's

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Speaker 7: happening in your life and sharing funny gifts and or

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Speaker 7: personal wins.

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Speaker 4: How does that sound? Hopefully this is of your alley, lady,

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Speaker 4: because we are taking things to the next level of

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Speaker 4: this year, and we're doubling down on investing in our community.

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Speaker 6: That means you.

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Speaker 4: We want to meet you, connect with you, and create

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Speaker 4: on one time with us. We also have an option

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Speaker 4: for you to donate on a one time basis if

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Speaker 4: that meets your needs again herspace podcast dot com, and

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Speaker 4: you can click that link that says Patreon. All right, lady,

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Speaker 4: we'll hop right back into the conversation.

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Speaker 6: Yeah no, no, yeah, it's not likely. And the other

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Speaker 6: thing I noticed, too, Diam, is when this is the case, right,

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Speaker 6: if this, if someone is you know, saying, oh my all,

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Speaker 6: my ex is crazy. They did this, they did that.

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Speaker 6: What you'll probably also notice down the line, if you

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Speaker 6: haven't noticed it already, is that person is a blamer.

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Speaker 6: They blame everyone else. It's always someone else. It's like,

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Speaker 6: God damn, it's never you like you're just you're just perfect.

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Speaker 6: It's never you like you never do anything wrong, You're

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Speaker 6: never the cause of anything. And having a theme of

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Speaker 6: not taking responsibility and not holding yourself accountable is huge.

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Speaker 6: I mean, that's going to cause so many issues in

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Speaker 6: the relationship, right, So definitely look out for that, milady.

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Speaker 6: I would say. The next one is rushing into moving

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Speaker 6: the relationship forward. Right, So you just meet and you know,

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Speaker 6: it's kind of flattering because they always want to talk

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Speaker 6: to you. They always want to hang out. They're like,

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Speaker 6: you know, flat, It's just they're flattering you, right, They're

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Speaker 6: giving you the compliments, buying you gifts a low key

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Speaker 6: I feel like I love bombing right because everything is

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Speaker 6: just moving so fast, it feels so perfect, and a

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Speaker 6: lot of times that shit don't last long at all.

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Speaker 6: It's not even a honeymoon phase. It's literally just like

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Speaker 6: a love bombing phase, and then shit just starts changing

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Speaker 6: up right. So if they're trying to move really fast

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Speaker 6: and like them, I don't even know enough about you,

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Speaker 6: it should give you pause, you know, yes, And I

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Speaker 6: want to be clear too.

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Speaker 2: I want to clarify because I mean, you use the

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Speaker 2: word love bombing a lot, like we cure it a

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Speaker 2: lot in pop psychology, and I want to be clear

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Speaker 2: there truly are people out there that are in healthy

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Speaker 2: relationship dynamic where you have a honeymoon phase where you

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Speaker 2: do naturally want to spend a lot of time with

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Speaker 2: that person. I want people to understand that that is

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Speaker 2: normal when you are really liking someone and that wanting

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Speaker 2: There's a difference between though wanting to spend a lot

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Speaker 2: of time with the person and demanding that you spend

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Speaker 2: a lot of time with that person.

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Speaker 5: Right.

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Speaker 6: Okay, so.

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Speaker 2: You meet someone and you hit it off and you're like,

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Speaker 2: oh my gosh, she is this, Oh he is everything. Right,

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Speaker 2: You're gonna want to spend time with them. But the

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Speaker 2: reality is, lady, you have a life outside of this person.

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Speaker 2: And while you may want to spend a lot of

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Speaker 2: time all of your trying with them, because you are

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Speaker 2: just so in like and in.

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Speaker 6: Luck like, it's just.

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Speaker 2: All so amazing, and we love that for you. We

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Speaker 2: want that for you, right, in a healthy dynamic, even

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Speaker 2: in the honeymoon phase, you have time for you, yes,

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Speaker 2: and they have time for them, and then you have

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Speaker 2: time together and they want that for you.

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Speaker 6: That's a healthy.

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Speaker 2: Dynamic, right, And and so if they but if they

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Speaker 2: are pushing that, you are woon towards. Oh, we should

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Speaker 2: be exclusive right after like a couple of weeks or

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Speaker 2: after a couple of months. It we should think about

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Speaker 2: moving in together.

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Speaker 6: Right, don't do it, don't do it. Trust trust your gut.

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Speaker 2: If your gut is saying this feels too soon, because

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Speaker 2: I also want to I also want to acknowledge that

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Speaker 2: there are turns where it feels right. Yes, it is right,

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Speaker 2: and it is right yes, you know, trust, trust your

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Speaker 2: gut because for somebody, one person two months where we

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Speaker 2: literally talk all day every day, like every fair moment

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Speaker 2: we had we were given to this other person might

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Speaker 2: be someone else's two months might be we have seen

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Speaker 2: each other twice in the course to those two months,

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Speaker 2: talk every other day, and so the quantity and the

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Speaker 2: quality are different. Yes, so I wouldn't attach my felf

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Speaker 2: to the number. I would attach my felf to the quality.

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Speaker 6: Come on, I was triggered, I said, don't do it.

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Speaker 6: I'm triggered because most of the stories out here, when

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Speaker 6: you meet somebody and it's a couple of months and

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Speaker 6: it's like, oh yeah, moving, it goes to hell. So yes,

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Speaker 6: lady Foally do a down.

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Speaker 2: Said okay, yeah, yes, it's the quality. Is the quality

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Speaker 2: person the number the quantity? Yes, So the next one

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Speaker 2: that you want to look for are those the initial

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Speaker 2: signs of gas lighting? And oftentimes it's me the initial

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Speaker 2: signs that are hard to miss because usually it's they're

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Speaker 2: subtly getting you to question yourself.

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Speaker 6: Right, like.

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Speaker 2: Are you sure that's how that happened? Because that's not

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Speaker 2: how I remember it. Little things like that, like to

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Speaker 2: like just it's just subtle enough, yeah, to make you

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Speaker 2: a pause. It's not outright egregious, just enough to like

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Speaker 2: to get you to pause and question yourself. Those are

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Speaker 2: the Those are like the initial stages, yeah, that we

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Speaker 2: often miss. It's like, once we're fully in it and

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Speaker 2: fully being gas lit, we can feel it, right, but

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Speaker 2: that initial oftentimes.

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Speaker 6: That initial or are you sure that's how that happened?

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Speaker 6: But that's not how I remember it.

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Speaker 2: You might have a quick little tinge, a quick little

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Speaker 2: like inkut like this don't feel right, but we push

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Speaker 2: it off right, Yeah, And so it's not as it's

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Speaker 2: because and because it might be the first on the

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Speaker 2: second turn, it's not as urgent or pressing in our body,

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Speaker 2: so we can easily miss it or ignore it.

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Speaker 6: Yes, it's so easy to do that. And lady, to

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Speaker 6: think about what I would encourage you to do, because

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Speaker 6: I think this has worked really well for me. Is

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Speaker 6: you're meeting a new person, journal like journal about how

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Speaker 6: they make you feel, reflect on the conversation, reflect on

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Speaker 6: how you feel in those moments, and when you think

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Speaker 6: about the gas that's like the subtle, the initial stages

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Speaker 6: of it, right, contradicting feelings. So they're making a joke

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Speaker 6: and you don't like it, you're hurt, and they're like, oh,

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Speaker 6: you're too sensitive. I was just joking, right, Or they're

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Speaker 6: trivializing your experiences, or they have selective memory, like down

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Speaker 6: with sharing, Like those are little things where it's like,

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Speaker 6: I should probably pause here, right. You think about like

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Speaker 6: withholding information and creating doubt in your perception, all those

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Speaker 6: little things projecting insecurities. Take notes initially so that you

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Speaker 6: can kind of reflect back on them and see those

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Speaker 6: patterns and also think about how does it make you feel,

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Speaker 6: and if you're providing feedback to the person. But it's

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Speaker 6: continuing to happen, and you notice that this is just

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Speaker 6: kind of part of who they are and there's not

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Speaker 6: a real desire to change. We got to make some moves, yep, yep.

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Speaker 6: And next that takes us to derogatory comments about groups

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Speaker 6: of people. Right, So this person, I mean, just be

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Speaker 6: mindful of how they're treating other women, other humans, are

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Speaker 6: they're treating just people in general, because a lot of

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Speaker 6: times how they treat other people is usually going to

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Speaker 6: be how they end up treating you at some point.

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Speaker 6: Right in the beginning, it might be roses and sunshine.

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Speaker 6: But I'm always the person now that looks out for

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Speaker 6: how does someone treat the weight staff, right. I love

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Speaker 6: to see how people treat people who I'm using air

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Speaker 6: quotes so they think can't do anything for them, right,

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Speaker 6: Or people who are in I want to say levels

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Speaker 6: they have job levels that society often takes for granted

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Speaker 6: or doesn't respect us much, because it's very telling, Like

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Speaker 6: how do you treat the person that's experiencing homelessness? Right,

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Speaker 6: it's just mind of their business, on the side of

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Speaker 6: the on the side of the street, whatever might be. Right,

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Speaker 6: Those things really matter, So just pay attention to that

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Speaker 6: as well.

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Speaker 2: Yep, yeah, I think that that that says a lot

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Speaker 2: about them. I think often too when you think about

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Speaker 2: like if you are in a interracial or inter religion

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Speaker 2: or there's some like difference between your identity, pay attention

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Speaker 2: to what they say about that in the group that

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Speaker 2: you are part of.

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Speaker 5: Right.

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Speaker 2: So you know most of our listeners far we're black women.

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Speaker 6: Right.

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Speaker 2: Let's say that you are dating a non black man

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Speaker 2: and this man says something derogatory about black people? Is

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Speaker 2: that who you really want to date? Is that who

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Speaker 2: you really want to be on? If you were in

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Speaker 2: a head or sexual relationship and your partner says something

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Speaker 2: that holophobic or transphobic. Is this someone and you and

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Speaker 2: you know that you don't agree with them?

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Speaker 5: Right?

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Speaker 6: Is this someone that you want to be in a

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Speaker 6: relationship with.

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Speaker 2: There there is a high likelihood that if they are

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Speaker 2: saying something derogatory or even doing something saying or doing

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Speaker 2: something harmful not about people, but to another person, there's

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Speaker 2: a high likelihood that they will treat you and engage

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Speaker 2: with you in the same way.

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Speaker 6: For you want to watch out there. Yes, something else

390
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Speaker 6: to watch out.

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Speaker 2: For is when they disregard or try to push your boundaries, right,

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Speaker 2: polch out. I remember, I remember I when talking to

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Speaker 2: this man and.

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Speaker 6: I know need like.

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Speaker 2: We y'all know how I am by my feet and

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Speaker 2: I stressed everyone else the important about sleep and you're

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Speaker 2: having a good sleep routine.

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Speaker 6: And I was talking to this man who.

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Speaker 2: Started making jokes about my sleep routine. So that goes

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Speaker 2: up to that goes up to one things that we

401
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Speaker 2: mentioned right, like teasing, And he would then try to

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Speaker 2: we would get on the phone and he would then

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Speaker 2: try to keep me on the phone pant the time

404
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Speaker 2: that I said I.

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Speaker 6: Needed to be off the phone nationally, and.

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Speaker 2: It was like, oh you know, oh, I know, I

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Speaker 2: only got five minutes before it's side for you to

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Speaker 2: be for aside for you to get off right.

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Speaker 6: If I wasn't in a healthy space, I would occurred.

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Speaker 2: That and would have said, oh, well, it's okay, it's okay,

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Speaker 2: we're having a good time. We can keep talking, right.

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Speaker 2: But I was very clear because I was in a

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Speaker 2: healthy faith, very clear on yeah, you're right, thank you

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Speaker 2: for noticing. We do only have five more minutes. So like,

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Speaker 2: is there anything else that we really want to talk

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Speaker 2: about before we get off? Yes, because you're gonna respect

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Speaker 2: these boundaries, and if you don't, then it is up

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Speaker 2: to me to say. I'm the enforce of my own boundaries.

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Speaker 2: So it's up to me to say, okay, I'm out

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Speaker 2: because you can't. Not only are you not respecting the boundaries,

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Speaker 2: but are also teasing me about the boundary.

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Speaker 6: That's a problem. I wouldn't say something about boundaries dom

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Speaker 6: and then I'm going to go back to the cheesing

424
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Speaker 6: statement really quickly. So when it comes to boundaries, another

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Speaker 6: thing I think about is the things that kind of

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Speaker 6: seem cute initially right, depending on who you are may

427
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Speaker 6: seem cute, so it's like, oh, you know, I'm taking

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Speaker 6: some personal time for my self, and then you know

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Speaker 6: you're you're taking a personal time and they're constantly hitting

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Speaker 6: you up. Right, So in some ways it may initially

431
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,000
Speaker 6: you still have the butterflies, it's the huntmoon face. It

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Speaker 6: may be flattering, but then after a moment, it's like

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Speaker 6: that that's gonna tell you. I would say, because a

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Speaker 6: person's time, why are you constantly still texting me? Right?

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Speaker 6: Or you know, maybe you're in the online dating scene

436
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,120
Speaker 6: and you don't give your number out, so you're telling

437
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 6: someone like, oh, I don't get my number out, or

438
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,360
Speaker 6: I don't send pictures something like that that one common get.

439
00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:29,000
Speaker 6: They're pressing like, well give me your number. Like it's

440
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,439
Speaker 6: like that right there, that in exchange should be a

441
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,200
Speaker 6: huge It seems subtle, but it should be a huge

442
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,119
Speaker 6: red flag because that's probably going to come up in

443
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:40,200
Speaker 6: other areas. Right, Maybe let's just fast forward to a

444
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,000
Speaker 6: whole nother scenario. There's something sexually that you don't want

445
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,439
Speaker 6: to do, and so you're like, I'm not interested in

446
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,639
Speaker 6: doing this, but they're pushing for it, and you're like,

447
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,159
Speaker 6: I tell you, you know what I mean, So things

448
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 6: like that are always going to be sort of the

449
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 6: tip of the iceberg. And then once you get but

450
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,520
Speaker 6: in me, you're like, god damn, it's a whole lot

451
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,800
Speaker 6: of red flags down here. So that part. But I

452
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:00,439
Speaker 6: wanted to go back to what we talk about, what

453
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 6: we said about teasing, because I know and some of

454
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:06,480
Speaker 6: my relationships and from people that I know, sometimes teasing

455
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 6: can sort of be this flirty, sort of witty banter

456
00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:13,359
Speaker 6: that you have with one another. So I feel like, lady,

457
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:16,440
Speaker 6: you just use your Dutton intuition, because sometimes it can

458
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:19,159
Speaker 6: be playful. It can be the way that you just

459
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,359
Speaker 6: sort of relate to someone. But then there are times

460
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:25,680
Speaker 6: I can, in my personal experience, can denote the difference

461
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,440
Speaker 6: between the two. There's a playful manager that's like flirting

462
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,640
Speaker 6: and like, okay, you talk issue, but it's like it's

463
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:33,040
Speaker 6: cute and we're playing around like this, and there's another

464
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,199
Speaker 6: part where it's like that was just mean, Like that

465
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,360
Speaker 6: was just rude and disrespectful, and then when you give

466
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,119
Speaker 6: them feedback, they continue to do it. So definitely go

467
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,240
Speaker 6: with your intuition and think about what's comfortable for you,

468
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:47,160
Speaker 6: because a playful you know, witty banter for us might

469
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,600
Speaker 6: be a hard no for you. So it really does

470
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:53,320
Speaker 6: depend on what makes you feel comfortable, right, Yes, it does, and.

471
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,719
Speaker 2: They go and you know, I think it's as you're

472
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,919
Speaker 2: getting to know someone, it's.

473
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:04,439
Speaker 6: Frequent checking in to is this okay?

474
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:08,199
Speaker 2: Yeah? Right, because like I'll do that with friends. I'll say, like,

475
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,520
Speaker 2: I just want to check in was that?

476
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:11,000
Speaker 5: Yeah?

477
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:11,880
Speaker 6: Was that okay?

478
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:13,920
Speaker 2: Because I know we're we're going back and forth and

479
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:17,320
Speaker 2: it on my end it feels cool like we're fun,

480
00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:22,399
Speaker 2: we're good. But let me just double check because I

481
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,879
Speaker 2: know this might be a sensitive spot, so let me

482
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,959
Speaker 2: just double check that we're still good, You're still okay.

483
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:32,280
Speaker 2: And so it's it's important to as you're getting to

484
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:36,520
Speaker 2: know a purson, so listen that feedback so that you're

485
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:39,520
Speaker 2: they're providing you with the feedback on how you're coming across,

486
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 2: how you're engaging, and they're able to actually receive feedback

487
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:45,560
Speaker 2: as well.

488
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,120
Speaker 6: Amen to that. And speaking of feedback, we're going to

489
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 6: dive right into the next one here, which is someone

490
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,520
Speaker 6: that's not willing to compromise. I think that when you

491
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 6: think about this particular right flag, it depends on who

492
00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,480
Speaker 6: you are where you are in life.

493
00:28:59,520 --> 00:28:59,640
Speaker 5: Right.

494
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 6: You might see that says, oh, I'm thinking of like

495
00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:06,400
Speaker 6: a heterosexual relationship right in this moment. But oh, you know,

496
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:08,320
Speaker 6: he's not willing to compromise. He wants to be the man,

497
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:10,040
Speaker 6: he wants to be in control. It might be sexy

498
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 6: to you might think initially like, oh, he wants to

499
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:14,320
Speaker 6: choose the restaurant or he wants to choose the activity.

500
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 6: But I think the longer you go into the relationship,

501
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 6: you'll see that there's like an imbalance of power. So

502
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:21,640
Speaker 6: it's like never, you can never do anything you want

503
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:21,800
Speaker 6: to do.

504
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 5: Right.

505
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 6: It shows that they're also potentially inflexible. They might have

506
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 6: some communication issues, they might be self centered, right, lack

507
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:31,040
Speaker 6: of teamwork.

508
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:31,239
Speaker 2: Right.

509
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:35,600
Speaker 6: Your relationship should be a team effort, So lack of teamwork.

510
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:38,560
Speaker 6: I would also say stifling your growth, right, because what

511
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:41,800
Speaker 6: if you have an opportunity to, I don't know, go

512
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,840
Speaker 6: do something that enhances your professional career. But because they

513
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:46,480
Speaker 6: don't want to compromise, and maybe they don't want to

514
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,520
Speaker 6: relocate or they don't want to support you, that could

515
00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:51,479
Speaker 6: just be It could just cause a lot of issues,

516
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:55,440
Speaker 6: So be mindful of that one. Hey, hey, lady, We

517
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,680
Speaker 6: hope you're enjoying this conversation. We just wanted to pause

518
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:00,320
Speaker 6: for a moment and give a shout out to one

519
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:04,880
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520
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521
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522
00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:15,880
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523
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524
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525
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526
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531
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534
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535
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536
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537
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,680
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539
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540
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541
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542
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543
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544
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550
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560
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567
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Speaker 6: All right, let's get back to the show. Yeah, And

568
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 6: I think to add on to that is.

569
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:20,160
Speaker 2: Being clear on the difference between them not compromising and

570
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 2: them having their own boundaries, right, Yes, because there may

571
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:29,840
Speaker 2: be times where there is something that we want that

572
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:34,440
Speaker 2: might push against a boundary for them, and we don't

573
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:37,600
Speaker 2: want to be the person who then becomes the abuser, right,

574
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:42,560
Speaker 2: And so if we communicate a need or want that

575
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:46,560
Speaker 2: we have and they're like, this violates my boundary. Right,

576
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:48,560
Speaker 2: So we'll go back to my example of like my

577
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:55,080
Speaker 2: dead purn right now, So let's say that my partner

578
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 2: is the person with the bed turn. I mean, actually,

579
00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:59,720
Speaker 2: thost should haven't been time, but anyway, let me I direct.

580
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:07,080
Speaker 2: So in this example, my partner's bed term is ten

581
00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:11,600
Speaker 2: o'clock and there's this movie, No, not a.

582
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:12,600
Speaker 6: Movie because whatever.

583
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:15,719
Speaker 2: All right, there's a concert that we're trying to go to, right,

584
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 2: concert's not gonna end until ten thirty eleven, and I really.

585
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:28,319
Speaker 6: Want to go see this artist, right. Partner is like,

586
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:29,120
Speaker 6: he's like.

587
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:34,200
Speaker 2: My fam I I know, I got a long day

588
00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:39,200
Speaker 2: the next day and o'clock is it. So I'm not

589
00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:42,560
Speaker 2: gonna hold it against him. I'm not gonna look at

590
00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:45,280
Speaker 2: this situation as a red flag that he's not willing

591
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,640
Speaker 2: to compromise in his moment because it's something that I

592
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,600
Speaker 2: really want to do. I'm gonna look at it as

593
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:55,120
Speaker 2: he has a boundary, he wants to uphold his boundary.

594
00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:57,640
Speaker 2: I'm gonna respect his boundary, and I'm gonna reach out

595
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,040
Speaker 2: to one of my girlfriends and be like, say so,

596
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,560
Speaker 2: and so it's coming to town, like let's can we

597
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,920
Speaker 2: You want you down to go? Yes, And I'm going

598
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:07,640
Speaker 2: to go with one of my girlfriends.

599
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:11,160
Speaker 6: Yep. I'm glad you brought that point at time.

600
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:15,040
Speaker 2: So I think it is. Yeah, it is important to

601
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 2: really declear on are they really not willing to compromise

602
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:22,399
Speaker 2: or is this a boundary that they have that they're

603
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:26,759
Speaker 2: upholding and knowing the difference between the two. And if

604
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:31,319
Speaker 2: it's someone who is truly unwilling to compromise, yeah, that's

605
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:34,000
Speaker 2: where the problem is. But if it's someone who has

606
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:36,360
Speaker 2: a boundary and you want to respect their boundaries, because

607
00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:42,600
Speaker 2: we want that respect with deprecated. So then this brings

608
00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:52,160
Speaker 2: us to our last subtle red flag, frequent lying. And

609
00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:56,000
Speaker 2: when we say frequent lying, Lord helpless, this is the

610
00:35:56,120 --> 00:36:05,920
Speaker 2: person who lie about everything to everybody, right like it's

611
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:12,200
Speaker 2: it's just outrageous and it may seem little like persies.

612
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,759
Speaker 2: Is why we call this subtle red flag. Right like

613
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:24,359
Speaker 2: it may seem little, so like they're lying at their job. Okay, yeah,

614
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:27,839
Speaker 2: you know everybody has lied at.

615
00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:29,840
Speaker 6: Their job a time or two, ship.

616
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:36,640
Speaker 2: But if they regularly are lying at their job, one

617
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:38,560
Speaker 2: that shows a sid of thing might be irresponsible.

618
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:45,480
Speaker 6: But too, what else are they now lying about?

619
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:46,040
Speaker 5: Like?

620
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:49,800
Speaker 6: Where else room are they lying?

621
00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:57,520
Speaker 2: How often have they lied to you about something small?

622
00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:05,520
Speaker 2: And if they're frequently lead lying about something small, then

623
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:08,600
Speaker 2: that means chances are they are also lying about the

624
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:16,319
Speaker 2: big stuff. And this is someone who you Eventually, even

625
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:21,879
Speaker 2: if they are not physically abusive, there's a high likely

626
00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:29,960
Speaker 2: or that this person may become emotionally abusive or there

627
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,319
Speaker 2: may be a lot of infidelity.

628
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:36,000
Speaker 6: Yeah, and definitely gas lighting is on the horizon because

629
00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:38,040
Speaker 6: if they in order to keep up with their lives,

630
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,080
Speaker 6: they're going to have to try to have you doubt

631
00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,200
Speaker 6: your reality. So that's why writing stuff down is really

632
00:37:42,239 --> 00:37:44,520
Speaker 6: helpful when you're like, oh, nay, right here, like, just

633
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:47,080
Speaker 6: start writing it down. I remember doing that with my

634
00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:48,680
Speaker 6: girlfriend back in the day when we were both in

635
00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:51,120
Speaker 6: some toxic gas relationships and we were like, wait, girls,

636
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:54,200
Speaker 6: I have to make sure that I'm not going like local, Like,

637
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:55,960
Speaker 6: I need to write stuff down so I can track

638
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,680
Speaker 6: because this young becker said one thing and then you

639
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:02,520
Speaker 6: know what I mean. So yes, online, definitely look out

640
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:05,080
Speaker 6: for that. Now, what we want to do Noway, before

641
00:38:05,080 --> 00:38:07,080
Speaker 6: we jump into the after show and talk about how

642
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 6: to forgive yourself if you may miss a red flag

643
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:11,560
Speaker 6: or you might think, oh, that was cute, but then

644
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 6: it's not cute. We're gonna talk about why we ignore

645
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:18,360
Speaker 6: the red flags. Right, So let's jump into the first one,

646
00:38:18,719 --> 00:38:23,000
Speaker 6: and this is optimism bias, right, and so I think

647
00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:26,000
Speaker 6: as a forever optimist. This is definitely one that I

648
00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:29,799
Speaker 6: have experienced because I think sometimes we tend to not

649
00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 6: we tend to believe that negative things won't happen to us,

650
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,720
Speaker 6: or they're less likely to happen to us, And because

651
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,560
Speaker 6: we may be so positive and have the intentions, we

652
00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:42,200
Speaker 6: believe that everyone else does as well, and so a

653
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:44,840
Speaker 6: lot of times this can cause us to overlook warning

654
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:47,600
Speaker 6: signs right, like a person wouldn't do that, Like I

655
00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 6: would never do that to someone, so they wouldn't do it.

656
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:51,200
Speaker 2: Right.

657
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:54,600
Speaker 6: We have to literally not at all we I think

658
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:57,919
Speaker 6: it's so wise sometimes so literally have a little sheet

659
00:38:57,960 --> 00:39:00,680
Speaker 6: of paper and have one side the thing that they say,

660
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:04,560
Speaker 6: the things they do, and just go back and forth

661
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,440
Speaker 6: because if it doesn't match up, it doesn't match up,

662
00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:08,000
Speaker 6: and it is what it is, and you may just

663
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:08,560
Speaker 6: need to move on.

664
00:39:08,719 --> 00:39:08,879
Speaker 2: Right.

665
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:11,000
Speaker 6: So I think that's one another way that we can

666
00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:13,640
Speaker 6: overcome optimism bias. What do you have to say about

667
00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:14,520
Speaker 6: optimism bias?

668
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:14,680
Speaker 5: Now?

669
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:16,680
Speaker 6: I think that.

670
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:20,279
Speaker 2: It's hard that like there that we generally, if you

671
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:26,080
Speaker 2: are generally wanting to be an optimistic, covative person, that

672
00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:29,560
Speaker 2: it is natural to want to fear good in people

673
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:33,839
Speaker 2: and it is easy to come to oh, like I'm

674
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:37,399
Speaker 2: going to ignore all these negative things because overall they're

675
00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:43,320
Speaker 2: a good person. Sometimes again it's so like quality versus quantity.

676
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:50,880
Speaker 2: Sometimes no few negative things gearingly outweigh any of the

677
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:53,960
Speaker 2: positive things that they're bringing to a table. And so

678
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,920
Speaker 2: you want, you want to check yourself and like be

679
00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,040
Speaker 2: mindful of that. And I think that kind of it

680
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:02,759
Speaker 2: needs us to The second thing is that like people

681
00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:07,600
Speaker 2: who who tend to be want to really speak in optimism,

682
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:16,319
Speaker 2: tend to avoid confrontations because that's the opposite, or we

683
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:20,400
Speaker 2: proceed it to be the opposite of being an optimistic

684
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:22,239
Speaker 2: person and looking at the good and folks, because that

685
00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:26,280
Speaker 2: you're having a confrontation, then that means there's something negative

686
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:36,120
Speaker 2: happening there, right, But that's the perception. It doesn't have

687
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:45,759
Speaker 2: to be a confrontation. It could be a conversation. I'll

688
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:49,239
Speaker 2: be it pretty difficult, but it's still a conversation. It

689
00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:54,160
Speaker 2: doesn't have to lead to a confrontation. And so I

690
00:40:54,200 --> 00:41:00,879
Speaker 2: think when we allow ourselves to avoid what we anticipate

691
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:09,080
Speaker 2: being a difficult conversation, we ignore the red flags. Because

692
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:12,960
Speaker 2: if we look at the red flag head on we

693
00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:15,800
Speaker 2: would be forced to address it and addressing it with

694
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:20,719
Speaker 2: me having a difficult conversation with the other person. And

695
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:26,440
Speaker 2: something that I have learned over time is that oftentimes

696
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:30,799
Speaker 2: the things that we type up in our head as

697
00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:35,239
Speaker 2: being difficult does not have to be that difficult as

698
00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:38,480
Speaker 2: we're hyping it up to be in our head. It

699
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 2: may be uncomfortable, but on the other side of that,

700
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:48,880
Speaker 2: the peace and the relief that we feel, in my opinion,

701
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:56,760
Speaker 2: far outweighs what happens when me avoid.

702
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,359
Speaker 6: I don't know. I just want to add that there's

703
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,840
Speaker 6: there can be a lot of discomfort associated with addressing

704
00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:08,400
Speaker 6: issues and a relationship, especially when it's a new relationship,

705
00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:10,799
Speaker 6: And sometimes I think we don't want to seem like

706
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:13,040
Speaker 6: we're being extra or we don't want to seem like

707
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:15,080
Speaker 6: we're making something a big deal because in our minds.

708
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:17,920
Speaker 6: Sometimes I don't know about you, but sometimes I've definitely

709
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:20,560
Speaker 6: like gasol it myself where I'm like, no, my intuition

710
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:22,680
Speaker 6: is telling me something and I'm like, oh, it wasn't

711
00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:24,000
Speaker 6: even that big of a deal. They didn't mean it

712
00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:24,279
Speaker 6: like that.

713
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:28,359
Speaker 2: Like I'm saying, you're making you didn't know, you didn't

714
00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:29,600
Speaker 2: really see that's not what really.

715
00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:33,360
Speaker 6: Happened that's not really happened. Yes, definitely have done that before.

716
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:35,800
Speaker 6: But what I think we can do in situations like

717
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,560
Speaker 6: that is lean into curiosity instead of blaming someone instead

718
00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 6: of that's my favorite thing to do when it comes

719
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:43,280
Speaker 6: to conflict resolution, and what that looks like is asking

720
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,239
Speaker 6: a simple question like, hey, I noticed that you did this.

721
00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:49,000
Speaker 6: Tell me more about that, or you know what happened

722
00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:51,239
Speaker 6: here earlier, just to get more context because a lot

723
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:53,640
Speaker 6: of times when you ask that open and did question,

724
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:56,000
Speaker 6: they gonna tell on themselves or you'll see that stuff

725
00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:58,160
Speaker 6: just doesn't add up anyway, and then they can kind

726
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,360
Speaker 6: of help you present a bigger case for life blocked.

727
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:04,560
Speaker 6: They asked right where you just got to go, because

728
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:07,600
Speaker 6: sometimes ghosting is appropriate, especially when you're protecting your mental health.

729
00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:10,680
Speaker 6: And we have an episode about using I love that.

730
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,800
Speaker 2: I love that curiosity piece of like I like a

731
00:43:13,920 --> 00:43:16,319
Speaker 2: frequent thing that I like to do, and I'll say,

732
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:21,160
Speaker 2: I just want to clarify, like can I clarify because

733
00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:24,080
Speaker 2: I want to make sure I'm understanding it? Mm hmm,

734
00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:28,160
Speaker 2: And then I say what I'm what I understood it

735
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:32,800
Speaker 2: to be, and then give that person space to correct

736
00:43:32,840 --> 00:43:33,480
Speaker 2: it or not.

737
00:43:34,640 --> 00:43:36,680
Speaker 6: I love that too, don because when you clarify, I'm

738
00:43:36,680 --> 00:43:39,400
Speaker 6: sure a lot of times you noticed, it will sound

739
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:41,439
Speaker 6: like some bs and then when they hear it back,

740
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:42,800
Speaker 6: it gets like you said, it gives me what she

741
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:44,440
Speaker 6: has to clarify it like oh no, no, that's what I meant,

742
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:53,720
Speaker 6: and then you could be like, okay, so we are thanks, sorry,

743
00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:58,120
Speaker 6: not sorry. So our next one here, lady, is it's

744
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:01,200
Speaker 6: low self esteem and confidence and not feeling good about yourself.

745
00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:04,279
Speaker 6: And I think that it happens to the best of us.

746
00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:07,480
Speaker 6: I've been there so many times on that journey, and

747
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:09,640
Speaker 6: I feel like there's still some things I'm working through now.

748
00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:11,799
Speaker 6: So letty don't beat yourself up. We're gonna talk more

749
00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:13,520
Speaker 6: about how to forgive yourself in the after show. But

750
00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:16,640
Speaker 6: when it comes to this one here, I think about

751
00:44:16,719 --> 00:44:18,879
Speaker 6: situations in my life where I didn't feel very good

752
00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:22,480
Speaker 6: about myself and so I tolerated red flags, right, Like

753
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:24,879
Speaker 6: I don't know if I'm up in your driveway, right,

754
00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:29,400
Speaker 6: but there have definitely been times where you know, sometimes

755
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:33,080
Speaker 6: no judgment. Sometimes a warm body is better than nobody,

756
00:44:33,120 --> 00:44:36,200
Speaker 6: whether the warm body is being toxic as fuck or

757
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,279
Speaker 6: something else. Right, Sometimes we're just in that phase in life,

758
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:40,200
Speaker 6: and so we have to be roll with ourselves about that.

759
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,799
Speaker 6: Sometimes we're just excited to have attention and to have

760
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:47,520
Speaker 6: someone paying us attention, having someone flattering us, even if

761
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:50,640
Speaker 6: we know these down like just some bullshit. This ain't right,

762
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:53,000
Speaker 6: this ain't But I like the way it feels. But

763
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:54,239
Speaker 6: I like the way it feels. I like the way

764
00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:56,759
Speaker 6: it makes me feel, you know. And sometimes we're just

765
00:44:56,760 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 6: in that phase. And so I think that's another reason

766
00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:00,799
Speaker 6: why we might ignore flag right.

767
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:06,239
Speaker 2: M Or we might not even like the way it

768
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:10,160
Speaker 2: makes us steal m hm, like we might be in

769
00:45:10,239 --> 00:45:13,359
Speaker 2: it and we might be like we should don't even

770
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:14,080
Speaker 2: feel right.

771
00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:18,279
Speaker 6: But but but I'm but I'm here.

772
00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:23,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, And like you said, it's a warm body. And

773
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:32,919
Speaker 2: maybe maybe they're pan my bills. Maybe they're doing other

774
00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:36,120
Speaker 2: acts of service around my house that makes me feel great.

775
00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:41,120
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm, doing things that I might it's a service

776
00:45:41,360 --> 00:45:48,279
Speaker 2: meaning not ladies letting, don't get me wrong exact, but

777
00:45:48,320 --> 00:45:51,359
Speaker 2: it could be around my house a certain It could

778
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:55,200
Speaker 2: be that they are performing pasts around the house that

779
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:58,640
Speaker 2: like hanging up my artwork or putn't be together my

780
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:02,520
Speaker 2: furniture that I know how to do, but it's so

781
00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:06,440
Speaker 2: much easier to have a nice, strong man come and

782
00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:07,799
Speaker 2: do that for me, you know.

783
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:11,680
Speaker 6: And so we might put up with.

784
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:17,880
Speaker 2: Things because we are in that we are in a

785
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:24,000
Speaker 2: space of not feeling good about ourselves and or wanting

786
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:25,200
Speaker 2: the attention.

787
00:46:27,960 --> 00:46:30,480
Speaker 6: And but then also that leads us to.

788
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:36,719
Speaker 2: The last reason why we ignore red flag is what

789
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:41,239
Speaker 2: we call the investment by it. So I might not

790
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:43,480
Speaker 2: feel good about this person, like or being with this

791
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:48,160
Speaker 2: person does not make me feel good. But I've invested

792
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:57,880
Speaker 2: five in twenty years and that's a lot of damn time.

793
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:03,360
Speaker 2: And when I talk to my single friend, they don't

794
00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:06,319
Speaker 2: have any good out here any Dayton streets. I hear

795
00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:07,720
Speaker 2: the Dayton streets and trash.

796
00:47:07,880 --> 00:47:11,400
Speaker 6: So I'm gonna steak with it.

797
00:47:14,200 --> 00:47:18,000
Speaker 2: Because I've been in it for so long and I

798
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 2: don't want to start over.

799
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:25,000
Speaker 6: M hm that part. That part, okay, that's a mighty

800
00:47:25,040 --> 00:47:26,880
Speaker 6: drop right there. This reminds me of the I think

801
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:32,200
Speaker 6: it's called the sunk cost fallacy, right where people are

802
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:38,560
Speaker 6: hesitant to give up something or to move on even

803
00:47:38,800 --> 00:47:41,399
Speaker 6: because they invested so heavily into it, even if it's

804
00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:42,480
Speaker 6: not serving them anymore.

805
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:42,680
Speaker 3: Right.

806
00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:45,080
Speaker 6: So it makes me think about when you start reading

807
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:46,719
Speaker 6: the book or you're watching a movie, you're like, this

808
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:48,600
Speaker 6: is kind of I don't really like it, but I

809
00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:50,759
Speaker 6: already then am I'm already forty five minutes and I

810
00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:52,680
Speaker 6: might as well just go the next hour and a

811
00:47:52,719 --> 00:47:54,600
Speaker 6: half just to finish it, because I'm already, you know

812
00:47:54,640 --> 00:47:56,160
Speaker 6: what I mean. And I think I see that so

813
00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:58,680
Speaker 6: many times in relationships as well. Ladies, just know, like,

814
00:47:59,200 --> 00:48:02,160
Speaker 6: it's never too late to start over. It's never too late,

815
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:05,320
Speaker 6: especially when you're not happy, especially when you're not being fulfilled,

816
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:09,040
Speaker 6: especially when you're being disrespected or someone is just always

817
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:11,160
Speaker 6: has excuses for the same Oh shit, y'all been talking

818
00:48:11,160 --> 00:48:13,520
Speaker 6: about this for ten years and the same thing is

819
00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:16,799
Speaker 6: going on like or five years, whatever the time is, right, Like,

820
00:48:17,160 --> 00:48:20,319
Speaker 6: don't let that keep you in something that is not

821
00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:24,200
Speaker 6: is not keeping you happy, because life is too precious.

822
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:28,080
Speaker 6: Life is not promised, right, it can be short, right

823
00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:30,920
Speaker 6: for some people. And so just really think about looking

824
00:48:30,920 --> 00:48:34,200
Speaker 6: at the relationship objectively and again pulling off to a

825
00:48:34,239 --> 00:48:35,759
Speaker 6: pen and paper, because sometimes you got to see that,

826
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:37,279
Speaker 6: you got to see that thing visually and be like,

827
00:48:37,280 --> 00:48:42,279
Speaker 6: wait a second, the math thing, math, my math, or

828
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:45,360
Speaker 6: step up, take a look at it and be like,

829
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:49,120
Speaker 6: hold up, you know what I mean. So I don't

830
00:48:49,160 --> 00:48:52,520
Speaker 6: know dom anything else that we should talk about, because

831
00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:54,279
Speaker 6: the lady, we're going to jump into the after show soon.

832
00:48:55,520 --> 00:48:58,080
Speaker 2: I just you know, I think the biggest thing that

833
00:48:58,320 --> 00:49:03,279
Speaker 2: I can't I can't. Besides, it's enough to listen to

834
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:08,879
Speaker 2: your gut. Listen to your gut, and then also gee

835
00:49:08,920 --> 00:49:12,840
Speaker 2: attention to like when you do eventually, because I recognize

836
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:14,560
Speaker 2: that for some people when it's early on, we don't

837
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:16,160
Speaker 2: bring this person around anybody.

838
00:49:16,719 --> 00:49:18,640
Speaker 6: I'm one of those people.

839
00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:24,840
Speaker 2: And so but when you start bringing your commun person

840
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:31,239
Speaker 2: around people that you know and love and trust, and

841
00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:35,040
Speaker 2: multiple people are saying, I don't know about this storm,

842
00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:48,960
Speaker 2: don't let your pride keep you in something that not

843
00:49:49,120 --> 00:49:52,920
Speaker 2: only the people around here are saying isn't going. But

844
00:49:53,239 --> 00:49:59,759
Speaker 2: in your gut, in your body, you know this is

845
00:49:59,840 --> 00:50:04,400
Speaker 2: not a healthy dynamic for you. It is always okay

846
00:50:04,520 --> 00:50:05,360
Speaker 2: to walk away.

847
00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:11,240
Speaker 6: That's a good word right there, because I it happens

848
00:50:11,239 --> 00:50:12,920
Speaker 6: to the best of us. Lady, we got you though.

849
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:15,600
Speaker 6: We hope you enjoyed this episode.

850
00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:18,479
Speaker 2: I do want to say one final thing though, because

851
00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:20,840
Speaker 2: I also want to acknowledge that sometimes, Lady, when you

852
00:50:20,880 --> 00:50:23,200
Speaker 2: were in When you are in a relationship where there

853
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:26,400
Speaker 2: are lots of red flag, you might and you have

854
00:50:26,680 --> 00:50:29,640
Speaker 2: ignored all the red flag, those subtle red flags, and

855
00:50:29,680 --> 00:50:32,040
Speaker 2: you're dealing with a big red flags.

856
00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:33,400
Speaker 6: Lady.

857
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:38,880
Speaker 2: If you find yourself in an abusive situation, it is

858
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:43,919
Speaker 2: always okay to walk away, and there are resources out

859
00:50:43,960 --> 00:50:51,160
Speaker 2: there that can help you navigate leaving that situation, and

860
00:50:51,560 --> 00:50:54,279
Speaker 2: we'll be sure to put some resources in the show

861
00:50:54,320 --> 00:50:58,560
Speaker 2: notes on how to leave an abusive relationship.

862
00:50:58,640 --> 00:51:04,560
Speaker 3: See thanks for joining us today. Please note that our

863
00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:10,319
Speaker 3: show may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment,

864
00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:14,000
Speaker 3: and mental health, but is by no means meant to

865
00:51:14,040 --> 00:51:18,000
Speaker 3: be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a

866
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:21,879
Speaker 3: trained mental health provider. If you are someone you know

867
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:25,400
Speaker 3: is in need of mental health care, please visit a

868
00:51:25,480 --> 00:51:30,879
Speaker 3: Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your

869
00:51:30,920 --> 00:51:31,880
Speaker 3: insurance provider.

870
00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:33,920
Speaker 4: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

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Speaker 4: the conversation going, visit our website at Herspace podcast dot

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Speaker 4: com and be sure to click the Patreon tab to

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Speaker 4: get access to video content bonuses in our weekly after

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Speaker 4: show and before we Meet Again, Repeat after Me, Every

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Speaker 4: Dream Within Me exists because it's possible.