Speaker 1: It was a simpler time. It's one more thing. Armstrong
Speaker 1: and Getty.
Speaker 2: One more thing. Before we get to how late-night TV
Speaker 2: has changed, latest Dolly Parton nugget, which I feel like
Speaker 2: I've had enough of, but New York City's Manhattan Borough
Speaker 2: has declared September 25th Dolly Parton Appreciation Day, I thought.
Speaker 1: The date is 925.
Speaker 3: 925.
Speaker 1: Touching.
Speaker 4: And jivey. That's clever.
Speaker 2: There you go.
Speaker 4: Geeks who celebrate every May the 4th tip their caps
Speaker 4: in admiration.
Speaker 1: Or March 14th, Pi Day.
Speaker 4: Oh, right. Right.
Speaker 1: Explain this to us, Michael.
Speaker 5: Well, every day I look for late night jokes for
Speaker 5: the show. And it's really hard to find stuff that
Speaker 5: is just plain humor. It's not political. It's just fun stuff.
Speaker 5: And everything is so dark now. And even the number
Speaker 5: one show, Gutfeld, it's just a dark show. I mean,
Speaker 5: it's funny, but it's dark humor.
Speaker 1: So you've dug up a couple of the dark Gutfeld
Speaker 1: jokes to make the point, and then you've got an
Speaker 1: old Leno and an old Letterman to show us. how
Speaker 1: times have changed. So let's go with that.
Speaker 6: Girl Scouts can now earn badges by learning about the
Speaker 6: pillars of Islam and visiting mosques. Well, the downside is
Speaker 6: they can now be stoned to death for failing to
Speaker 6: sell enough thin mints.
Speaker 7: Oh, that's dark.
Speaker 1: That is a dark joke. You would not have made
Speaker 1: that joke very many years ago.
Speaker 6: The British government revealed that over the past few years,
Speaker 6: at least 100 children under the age of 12 were
Speaker 6: forced into marriage. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed all
Speaker 6: brides were registered at Toys R Us.
Speaker 4: Doof. I get where he's going with that, but yeah,
Speaker 4: that's late night humor.
Speaker 1: Do we know what years these were? Leno had to
Speaker 1: be way back.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I don't have the years.
Speaker 1: Doesn't matter.
Speaker 7: At a Home Depot right here in West Covina, man
Speaker 7: grabbed a handsaw, tried to saw both his arms off.
Speaker 7: still couldn't get the attention of a salesperson. You know,
Speaker 7: it's amazing. That's a real story. A guy tried to
Speaker 7: saw both his arms off. After he saw one arm off,
Speaker 7: how do you get the other arm? I mean, I'm...
Speaker 7: That's pretty funny.
Speaker 4: I'm sure the guy got the one off and thought, oh,
Speaker 4: damn it.
Speaker 1: I did not think this through.
Speaker 7: It hadn't occurred to me. Well....
Speaker 1: Red lobster going out of business bankrupt yep here's how
Speaker 1: i found out cbs had.
Speaker 4: To move my retirement dinner.
Speaker 1: To olive garden right for whatever reason i get letterman
Speaker 1: old letterman's early like nbc letterman's in my algorithm on
Speaker 1: youtube and i'm a sucker for it that was such
Speaker 1: a good show back in the day and nothing political
Speaker 1: ever Mm-hmm. So good, though. So wacky.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I haven't gotten the force-fed those yet. Maybe I'll
Speaker 4: intentionally look for one, and that'll take care of me
Speaker 4: for the next 10 years or so.
Speaker 5: But it's the joy of the crowd. You know, the
Speaker 5: crowd is just so different.
Speaker 1: Well, people want to be angry. They want to be
Speaker 1: fed their point of view that they go to. You
Speaker 1: go to Gutfeld for a certain point of view to
Speaker 1: be fed to you, and you go to Jimmy Kimmel,
Speaker 1: for instance, or Colbert back when he was on.
Speaker 4: I was just going to say, a nice yin and
Speaker 4: yang would have been a Kimmel. blast at how stupid
Speaker 4: Republicans are or Trump or whatever, how racist and the
Speaker 4: crowd going crazy.
Speaker 3: Oh, so tiring.
Speaker 1: Will we come out of this? Surely, are people tired
Speaker 1: enough of this that we'll come out of it at
Speaker 1: some point?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 4: Maybe. Maybe not.
Speaker 6: All right.
Speaker 4: Yeah. All right. Does this need any introduction? Katie or Michael?
Speaker 5: Just a young woman created a song about dating with
Speaker 5: men and the problems that she runs into.
Speaker 4: Okay. All right.
Speaker 3: In a cafe on 23rd and 9th, I'm with a guy,
Speaker 3: 3rd gate, keep up, alright? Prior, he's like, come back
Speaker 3: to mine?
Speaker 1: Twice, he asked twice, this f * * * ing guy.
Speaker 3: Now don't get me wrong, he's got good qualities. He's
Speaker 3: doing very well in this economy, probably raised on proper ideologies,
Speaker 3: but is that enough?
Speaker 1: If I was desperate, probably.
Speaker 3: See, I don't want to sleep with him, with that face,
Speaker 3: who knows where the f * * * he's been.
Speaker 7: But it's not that, that's not the reason, and not
Speaker 7: because he thought that I was Indonesian.
Speaker 2: It's because I don't feel understood.
Speaker 3: And I think I should.
Speaker 1: Because sex should be good. So I ask about his childhood.
Speaker 2: Hmm, big mistake.
Speaker 1: Horrible headache. So her comment there, clever little thing. Her
Speaker 1: comment with a face like that, who knows where he's been,
Speaker 1: was that he's so good looking, I'll bet he's had
Speaker 1: a lot of sex with different people. Is that what
Speaker 1: that meant? That's kind of how I heard it. That's
Speaker 1: an interesting thing. You're so good looking, I'll bet you've
Speaker 1: had sex with a lot of people.
Speaker 7: Hmm.
Speaker 3: What?
Speaker 1: I've never heard of that angle before.
Speaker 4: You may be overthinking this, dear. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Which is the key to the whole online dating thing,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you. That's why I got out. It's just
Speaker 1: I feel like everybody's so cynical and like just red
Speaker 1: flag heavy for things that in the normal world. would
Speaker 1: have come about later in the relationship and would have
Speaker 1: been fine. It's just, there's so many different weird things,
Speaker 1: partially because if you, you know, are above a certain
Speaker 1: level of looks, you got so many people lined up.
Speaker 1: You just, you just constantly toss this one aside, that
Speaker 1: one side, this one aside, I'll go out with them. Okay.
Speaker 4: Fine.
Speaker 1: It's not, it's not perfect. Nobody is, this isn't perfect.
Speaker 1: Throw that aside, go to the next one. It's just, it's,
Speaker 1: it's like her song there. It's just a whole bunch
Speaker 1: of reasons why I'll go to the next one. It's
Speaker 1: a weird world.
Speaker 4: Very weird. I wouldn't mind hearing more of that bit.
Speaker 4: It was fairly clever, and I liked it, and funny,
Speaker 4: and I'd like to know where she was heading. But
Speaker 4: we don't have that audio, so never mind.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't think you could do a stoning Girl Scouts
Speaker 1: joke and get away with it, but I like it.
Speaker 4: You know, as long as we're rolling audio, I want
Speaker 4: to hear this ordering fast food in 2026 thing. We
Speaker 4: didn't play that, did we? All right, let's listen.
Speaker 3: Okay, your total is $ 17. 38. That can't be right. I
Speaker 3: only ordered a cheeseburger combo. My mistake. I didn't hear
Speaker 3: you say combo. $ 23.
Speaker 7: 81.
Speaker 5: Oh.
Speaker 3: We do offer financing for any combo meal purchase.
Speaker 1: Oh, perfect.
Speaker 3: But what about your credit score?
Speaker 7: $ 4. 39.
Speaker 3: Not so perfect. Perhaps we can interest you in a
Speaker 3: hamburger with no ketchup. No, I need the combo. What
Speaker 3: if I get someone to co-sign?
Speaker 1: On a cheeseburger?
Speaker 3: No. What else am I supposed to do?
Speaker 1: Cash out your 401k?
Speaker 3: How do you think I used to pay for the
Speaker 3: chicken tender combos? Take out a HELOC on your home?
Speaker 3: I already did that for the chocolate shakes. Downgrade your car?
Speaker 3: I already downgraded to a PT Cruiser with 250,000 miles
Speaker 3: on it. Yeah, it's not possible to downgrade more than that.
Speaker 1: Affordability, Jack.
Speaker 4: That's the key word for the midterms.
Speaker 1: That's enough of that.
Speaker 5: Well, I guess that's it.