WEBVTT - It Was a Simpler Time...

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<v Speaker 1>It was a simpler time. It's one more thing. Armstrong

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<v Speaker 1>and Getty.

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<v Speaker 2>One more thing. Before we get to how late-night TV

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<v Speaker 2>has changed, latest Dolly Parton nugget, which I feel like

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<v Speaker 2>I've had enough of, but New York City's Manhattan Borough

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<v Speaker 2>has declared September 25th Dolly Parton Appreciation Day, I thought.

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<v Speaker 1>The date is 925.

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<v Speaker 3>925.

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<v Speaker 1>Touching.

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<v Speaker 4>And jivey. That's clever.

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<v Speaker 2>There you go.

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<v Speaker 4>Geeks who celebrate every May the 4th tip their caps

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<v Speaker 4>in admiration.

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<v Speaker 1>Or March 14th, Pi Day.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh, right. Right.

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<v Speaker 1>Explain this to us, Michael.

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<v Speaker 5>Well, every day I look for late night jokes for

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<v Speaker 5>the show. And it's really hard to find stuff that

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<v Speaker 5>is just plain humor. It's not political. It's just fun stuff.

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<v Speaker 5>And everything is so dark now. And even the number

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<v Speaker 5>one show, Gutfeld, it's just a dark show. I mean,

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<v Speaker 5>it's funny, but it's dark humor.

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<v Speaker 1>So you've dug up a couple of the dark Gutfeld

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<v Speaker 1>jokes to make the point, and then you've got an

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<v Speaker 1>old Leno and an old Letterman to show us. how

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<v Speaker 1>times have changed. So let's go with that.

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<v Speaker 6>Girl Scouts can now earn badges by learning about the

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<v Speaker 6>pillars of Islam and visiting mosques. Well, the downside is

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<v Speaker 6>they can now be stoned to death for failing to

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<v Speaker 6>sell enough thin mints.

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<v Speaker 7>Oh, that's dark.

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<v Speaker 1>That is a dark joke. You would not have made

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<v Speaker 1>that joke very many years ago.

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<v Speaker 6>The British government revealed that over the past few years,

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<v Speaker 6>at least 100 children under the age of 12 were

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<v Speaker 6>forced into marriage. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed all

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<v Speaker 6>brides were registered at Toys R Us.

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<v Speaker 4>Doof. I get where he's going with that, but yeah,

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<v Speaker 4>that's late night humor.

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<v Speaker 1>Do we know what years these were? Leno had to

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<v Speaker 1>be way back.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah, I don't have the years.

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<v Speaker 1>Doesn't matter.

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<v Speaker 7>At a Home Depot right here in West Covina, man

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<v Speaker 7>grabbed a handsaw, tried to saw both his arms off.

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<v Speaker 7>still couldn't get the attention of a salesperson. You know,

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<v Speaker 7>it's amazing. That's a real story. A guy tried to

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<v Speaker 7>saw both his arms off. After he saw one arm off,

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<v Speaker 7>how do you get the other arm? I mean, I'm...

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<v Speaker 7>That's pretty funny.

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<v Speaker 4>I'm sure the guy got the one off and thought, oh,

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<v Speaker 4>damn it.

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<v Speaker 1>I did not think this through.

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<v Speaker 7>It hadn't occurred to me. Well....

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<v Speaker 1>Red lobster going out of business bankrupt yep here's how

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<v Speaker 1>i found out cbs had.

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<v Speaker 4>To move my retirement dinner.

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<v Speaker 1>To olive garden right for whatever reason i get letterman

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<v Speaker 1>old letterman's early like nbc letterman's in my algorithm on

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<v Speaker 1>youtube and i'm a sucker for it that was such

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<v Speaker 1>a good show back in the day and nothing political

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<v Speaker 1>ever Mm-hmm. So good, though. So wacky.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I haven't gotten the force-fed those yet. Maybe I'll

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<v Speaker 4>intentionally look for one, and that'll take care of me

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<v Speaker 4>for the next 10 years or so.

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<v Speaker 5>But it's the joy of the crowd. You know, the

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<v Speaker 5>crowd is just so different.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, people want to be angry. They want to be

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<v Speaker 1>fed their point of view that they go to. You

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<v Speaker 1>go to Gutfeld for a certain point of view to

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<v Speaker 1>be fed to you, and you go to Jimmy Kimmel,

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<v Speaker 1>for instance, or Colbert back when he was on.

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<v Speaker 4>I was just going to say, a nice yin and

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<v Speaker 4>yang would have been a Kimmel. blast at how stupid

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<v Speaker 4>Republicans are or Trump or whatever, how racist and the

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<v Speaker 4>crowd going crazy.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, so tiring.

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<v Speaker 1>Will we come out of this? Surely, are people tired

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<v Speaker 1>enough of this that we'll come out of it at

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<v Speaker 1>some point?

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<v Speaker 2>No?

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<v Speaker 4>Maybe. Maybe not.

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<v Speaker 6>All right.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah. All right. Does this need any introduction? Katie or Michael?

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<v Speaker 5>Just a young woman created a song about dating with

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<v Speaker 5>men and the problems that she runs into.

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<v Speaker 4>Okay. All right.

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<v Speaker 3>In a cafe on 23rd and 9th, I'm with a guy,

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<v Speaker 3>3rd gate, keep up, alright? Prior, he's like, come back

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<v Speaker 3>to mine?

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<v Speaker 1>Twice, he asked twice, this f * * * ing guy.

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<v Speaker 3>Now don't get me wrong, he's got good qualities. He's

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<v Speaker 3>doing very well in this economy, probably raised on proper ideologies,

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<v Speaker 3>but is that enough?

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<v Speaker 1>If I was desperate, probably.

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<v Speaker 3>See, I don't want to sleep with him, with that face,

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<v Speaker 3>who knows where the f * * * he's been.

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<v Speaker 7>But it's not that, that's not the reason, and not

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<v Speaker 7>because he thought that I was Indonesian.

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<v Speaker 2>It's because I don't feel understood.

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<v Speaker 3>And I think I should.

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<v Speaker 1>Because sex should be good. So I ask about his childhood.

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<v Speaker 2>Hmm, big mistake.

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<v Speaker 1>Horrible headache. So her comment there, clever little thing. Her

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<v Speaker 1>comment with a face like that, who knows where he's been,

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<v Speaker 1>was that he's so good looking, I'll bet he's had

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of sex with different people. Is that what

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<v Speaker 1>that meant? That's kind of how I heard it. That's

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<v Speaker 1>an interesting thing. You're so good looking, I'll bet you've

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<v Speaker 1>had sex with a lot of people.

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<v Speaker 7>Hmm.

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<v Speaker 3>What?

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<v Speaker 1>I've never heard of that angle before.

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<v Speaker 4>You may be overthinking this, dear. I don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>Which is the key to the whole online dating thing,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll tell you. That's why I got out. It's just

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like everybody's so cynical and like just red

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<v Speaker 1>flag heavy for things that in the normal world. would

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<v Speaker 1>have come about later in the relationship and would have

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<v Speaker 1>been fine. It's just, there's so many different weird things,

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<v Speaker 1>partially because if you, you know, are above a certain

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<v Speaker 1>level of looks, you got so many people lined up.

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<v Speaker 1>You just, you just constantly toss this one aside, that

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<v Speaker 1>one side, this one aside, I'll go out with them. Okay.

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<v Speaker 4>Fine.

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<v Speaker 1>It's not, it's not perfect. Nobody is, this isn't perfect.

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<v Speaker 1>Throw that aside, go to the next one. It's just, it's,

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<v Speaker 1>it's like her song there. It's just a whole bunch

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<v Speaker 1>of reasons why I'll go to the next one. It's

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<v Speaker 1>a weird world.

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<v Speaker 4>Very weird. I wouldn't mind hearing more of that bit.

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<v Speaker 4>It was fairly clever, and I liked it, and funny,

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<v Speaker 4>and I'd like to know where she was heading. But

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<v Speaker 4>we don't have that audio, so never mind.

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<v Speaker 1>You wouldn't think you could do a stoning Girl Scouts

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<v Speaker 1>joke and get away with it, but I like it.

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<v Speaker 4>You know, as long as we're rolling audio, I want

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<v Speaker 4>to hear this ordering fast food in 2026 thing. We

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<v Speaker 4>didn't play that, did we? All right, let's listen.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, your total is $ 17. 38. That can't be right. I

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<v Speaker 3>only ordered a cheeseburger combo. My mistake. I didn't hear

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<v Speaker 3>you say combo. $ 23.

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<v Speaker 7>81.

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<v Speaker 5>Oh.

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<v Speaker 3>We do offer financing for any combo meal purchase.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, perfect.

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<v Speaker 3>But what about your credit score?

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<v Speaker 7>$ 4. 39.

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<v Speaker 3>Not so perfect. Perhaps we can interest you in a

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<v Speaker 3>hamburger with no ketchup. No, I need the combo. What

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<v Speaker 3>if I get someone to co-sign?

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<v Speaker 1>On a cheeseburger?

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<v Speaker 3>No. What else am I supposed to do?

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<v Speaker 1>Cash out your 401k?

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<v Speaker 3>How do you think I used to pay for the

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<v Speaker 3>chicken tender combos? Take out a HELOC on your home?

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<v Speaker 3>I already did that for the chocolate shakes. Downgrade your car?

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<v Speaker 3>I already downgraded to a PT Cruiser with 250,000 miles

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<v Speaker 3>on it. Yeah, it's not possible to downgrade more than that.

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<v Speaker 1>Affordability, Jack.

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<v Speaker 4>That's the key word for the midterms.

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<v Speaker 1>That's enough of that.

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<v Speaker 5>Well, I guess that's it.