1 00:00:02,759 --> 00:00:07,480 Speaker 1: Welcome back to Family Therapy. Last season, we follow Jay, David, 2 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: and Freddie on their journey towards better understanding one another 3 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:16,680 Speaker 1: and to heal from issues like lack of confidence, self love, abandonment, 4 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:21,319 Speaker 1: and co parenting. It wasn't easy. There were some real 5 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 1: vulnerable moments and breakthroughs. They really embraced the sessions and 6 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,000 Speaker 1: the hard lessons that came with them. They shared with 7 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: us unapologetically, and I really recommend you going back and 8 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:37,559 Speaker 1: listening to season one whenever you have the chance, And 9 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,480 Speaker 1: before our sessions begin with this family in season two, 10 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,680 Speaker 1: we wanted to go back and check in on the 11 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,200 Speaker 1: season one family and see how they've been doing since 12 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 1: our last group session. Two of my favorite people. It's 13 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,640 Speaker 1: been a while since eachat and so how about we 14 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:04,360 Speaker 1: start what's been better since we last visited? 15 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:08,839 Speaker 2: Mm? Hmmm hmm, what's been better? 16 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:10,479 Speaker 1: Yeah, what's been better? 17 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,279 Speaker 2: Don't know? Nothing? 18 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 1: You know, it's really hard. In fact, I would argue 19 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:22,399 Speaker 1: impossible to have a life where like everything is perfect, 20 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:26,920 Speaker 1: So it's equally hard. I would say impossible to have 21 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:31,640 Speaker 1: a life where nothing is going well. So if you 22 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: if you took him in and just really thought about it, 23 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,560 Speaker 1: what's something that's going in a way that you're pleased with. 24 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 2: Well, I got baptized in December. That's one. 25 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,479 Speaker 1: Oh that's amazing. How come why'd you do that? 26 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:47,960 Speaker 2: I just needed a rent a reset, Like I just 27 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:52,279 Speaker 2: started focusing on you know, there's a lot that's been 28 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 2: going on, and so I was like, I gotta get 29 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:02,480 Speaker 2: closer to the big guy. I haven't been baptized. I 30 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 2: don't even remember. I think I was like seven to 31 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 2: eight years old. But back in November, I just you know, 32 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,200 Speaker 2: it was just one of them nights. And then I 33 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:14,120 Speaker 2: just made a decision, was like, you know what, I 34 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,720 Speaker 2: think I need to get bad times. I did that. 35 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,120 Speaker 1: That's awesome, Correst, thank you. 36 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 2: I've been writing. I finished writing poems and letters and 37 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 2: stuff like that. I had started a letter to my 38 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:33,560 Speaker 2: sister that passed a couple of years ago, and I 39 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:37,799 Speaker 2: finished it wonderful. And then you know, I still wrote 40 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:44,960 Speaker 2: my own boys Christmas story, working on something else, you know. 41 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,960 Speaker 2: I mean, I guess that's some of the good things 42 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,640 Speaker 2: started in the school system in September. So I think 43 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 2: that's a real good thing. I might have. 44 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,520 Speaker 1: What do you do in the school system. 45 00:02:56,440 --> 00:03:01,240 Speaker 2: I'm an aid with special education students and autism students. 46 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:05,160 Speaker 2: So you know, last year was tough. Some of this 47 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:09,040 Speaker 2: year was tough. I just feel like last month and 48 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 2: a half, at least last month, I was able to 49 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,000 Speaker 2: take like a deep breath on some stuff like Okay, 50 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,160 Speaker 2: I just feel like down inside things are starting to 51 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,120 Speaker 2: turn around and start going in the right direction that 52 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,400 Speaker 2: I wanted to go to us. 53 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:27,000 Speaker 1: David, those are amazing things. Thank you, Jake. What about you? 54 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:27,800 Speaker 1: What are you please with? 55 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,680 Speaker 3: I mean, I've been working out pretty consistently. 56 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,960 Speaker 2: So oh night. 57 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,000 Speaker 1: What kind of workouts? 58 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,880 Speaker 3: Mostly weight training, but I do a little cardio. I 59 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 3: just go to the gym. 60 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: Are you noticing any changes in your body or the 61 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: way your body performs that you're pleased with? 62 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:47,320 Speaker 2: Yes and no. 63 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,160 Speaker 3: I mean not as much difference as I would like. 64 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,800 Speaker 3: But I feel stronger, So I'm happy about that. 65 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,120 Speaker 1: Very cool. Okay, what else? 66 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 3: The boys are good? Just Scott straight A's has report cards. 67 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 3: I'm happy about that. 68 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:07,640 Speaker 1: It's nice. What grade is he in? 69 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 3: Second? 70 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:11,080 Speaker 1: Nice? 71 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 2: Cool? 72 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:18,159 Speaker 3: He's doing really good at football switch school, so now 73 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:21,279 Speaker 3: he's in pre K three, He's not in daycare anymore, 74 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:28,280 Speaker 3: so I'm happy about that. They're doing great. So I'm happy. 75 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,520 Speaker 1: What role do you think you're playing and them doing great? 76 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:36,800 Speaker 3: I mean, we go over Isaiah's homework with him, and 77 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 3: obviously we get him to practice and support him in 78 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:45,880 Speaker 3: his games. David does like extra training stuff with him 79 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 3: on the side. I think making a decision for to 80 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:54,719 Speaker 3: switch schools was a major decision, and I think it's 81 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,800 Speaker 3: going to really be helpful for him in the long run. 82 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,920 Speaker 3: It's being present for them, you know, read into the 83 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:01,839 Speaker 3: things like that. 84 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: Excellent. Okay, So now that we're all here together for 85 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,840 Speaker 1: the first time quite a bit, what are your best 86 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:08,960 Speaker 1: hopes from talking with me? 87 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:15,200 Speaker 2: I don't give us something. I don't. 88 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,279 Speaker 1: What are you hoping you go get? 89 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:22,480 Speaker 3: I think it's good to just wrap things up and 90 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 3: you know, just reconnect and see how everybody's doing and 91 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 3: just check in. 92 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,880 Speaker 1: I agree. Let's say we have a conversation and you know, 93 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,480 Speaker 1: in a little bit of time, you guys get off 94 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 1: the zoom, but you get off knowing that that was 95 00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:40,320 Speaker 1: useful to us. What would you need to get from 96 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:41,360 Speaker 1: it to know it was useful. 97 00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:44,760 Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie. I have very low expectations. I 98 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,400 Speaker 3: don't think it's going to be very useful but it 99 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,200 Speaker 3: is good to hear your voice. 100 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,760 Speaker 2: Though, and I'm I appreciate it. 101 00:05:52,839 --> 00:05:55,560 Speaker 3: I'm glad everyone as well. But I'm not sure that 102 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,840 Speaker 3: I see that much will be gained from it. 103 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 1: But if we if something is gained from it, what 104 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,919 Speaker 1: would it be like? What would the unlikely outcome be 105 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:08,839 Speaker 1: that you'd be pleased with? Like, even if they're low expectations, 106 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,720 Speaker 1: what would have to happen to exceed that? 107 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 2: Like? 108 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,480 Speaker 1: What would you notice wud be like, Wow, that was useful, 109 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 1: This difference has happened. What difference would you have to 110 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 1: have noticed? 111 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,960 Speaker 2: I don't know. Maybe it's something said and I don't know. 112 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:28,760 Speaker 2: I'm gonna be honest with you, I really don't know. 113 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:35,000 Speaker 1: For well, so what if I say something like super useful? 114 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,760 Speaker 1: What if I say something super enlightening? What if I 115 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,479 Speaker 1: say something super amazing? How would the two of you 116 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,279 Speaker 1: notice it's making a difference in your life? 117 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:46,560 Speaker 2: I mean, if you said something that was super useful 118 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 2: and it was applied, probably won't know in a month 119 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:54,560 Speaker 2: or a couple of weeks or whatever. I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, 120 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:58,479 Speaker 2: Elliott did say this and I see it now, right, Yeah, 121 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,440 Speaker 2: So that I take that. 122 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,440 Speaker 1: Okay, And what kind of thing would you like to 123 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,360 Speaker 1: see in a week or a couple of months, it 124 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: would be like, oh, okay, I see. 125 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:13,760 Speaker 2: I have no idea. I had no idea, Like I said, Man, 126 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,400 Speaker 2: I'm just the way things going right now. I'm taking 127 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 2: you know, everything one day at a time and just 128 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,200 Speaker 2: keep pushing forward, concentrating on what I need to do 129 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 2: to make my situation better, that's all. And take care 130 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:27,400 Speaker 2: of my kids. 131 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,400 Speaker 1: How would you know your situation got better. 132 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,920 Speaker 2: Because trying to take care of the small little things 133 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 2: that I need to take care of. That's how I 134 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 2: know it's getting better. That's just with me personally, Like 135 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 2: that's it, Like that's my that's the goal, and it's 136 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,720 Speaker 2: a must. It's not like it's a want. It's like 137 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:49,760 Speaker 2: some of this stuff has to happen. 138 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 1: What's the kind of stuff David that like has to happen. 139 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,119 Speaker 1: That's not a want, it's a must. Like these things 140 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 1: have to happen h. 141 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,800 Speaker 2: My own place, that's a must that has. 142 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,600 Speaker 1: Had Where do you want that to be? 143 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:12,280 Speaker 2: What you mean where like close proximity? You know, I 144 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,520 Speaker 2: was always the number one thing is like I'm always 145 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 2: going to stay close to my sons. So I'm not 146 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:24,400 Speaker 2: trying to go nowhere far or a different state or 147 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 2: anything like that. So I'm being a very close proximity. 148 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,840 Speaker 2: So I could get to my boys and they could 149 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:30,240 Speaker 2: get to me. 150 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,960 Speaker 4: What difference would it make for you? They have your 151 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 4: own spot, A big difference in what ways? I mean, 152 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,360 Speaker 4: it would be a big difference on both of us. 153 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,880 Speaker 4: You know, Jalen get her peace in her space. 154 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 2: I have my piece and my space, and I think 155 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 2: it's just helped both of us mentally, you know, and 156 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 2: help us move on. I think that's that's the goal. 157 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,920 Speaker 2: So that's an important thing that needs to happen. 158 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: All right, So if I could help everybody have their 159 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:12,079 Speaker 1: peace and move on, David, that would be useful. 160 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, that would definitely be useful. That's what I'm saying. 161 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,480 Speaker 2: Like it could be something that you say and then 162 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,560 Speaker 2: down the line, I'd be like, oh all right, yeah, 163 00:09:18,679 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 2: Elliott mentioned this. Okay, I'll see what you're talking about. 164 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,280 Speaker 1: Excellent. Okay, Jay, what about you? What would you what 165 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,480 Speaker 1: would you hope to be an outcome even if unlikely? 166 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,800 Speaker 3: Okay, I see you have not changed, sir. 167 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,200 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, it's okay. 168 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,319 Speaker 3: You get an a plus for consistency. 169 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 1: I'm nothing that consistent. 170 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know. I know what I want to 171 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 3: happen in my life. I don't know that this conversation 172 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 3: is going to help me get there. 173 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,920 Speaker 1: What do you want to have happened in your life? 174 00:09:57,559 --> 00:10:00,160 Speaker 3: I want the same thing that David has said, want 175 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:04,600 Speaker 3: us to live separately. Then I want to have that 176 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:08,360 Speaker 3: separation so that we can both figure out what the 177 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,200 Speaker 3: next part of our life looks like without each other. 178 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,440 Speaker 3: I want that really bad. I want to figure out 179 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,240 Speaker 3: how to co parent when we're not living together. I 180 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 3: want I just want to move on. Like I feel 181 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,000 Speaker 3: like we've been stuck in this place, in this space 182 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 3: for so long, and it's really draining, and I just 183 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 3: want that to happen so that we can move forward. 184 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,760 Speaker 3: I know we've talked about in the past how to 185 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,439 Speaker 3: move forward mentally and emotionally and all of that stuff 186 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,000 Speaker 3: while we're still in each other's presence. I still find 187 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 3: that as a really difficult thing to do. But I 188 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 3: think we do our best. But it you know, it's time, 189 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:52,520 Speaker 3: we've we've exhausted this and it's time to get to 190 00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:54,960 Speaker 3: the next page, the next chapter. 191 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:57,679 Speaker 1: What difference would it make for you to get to 192 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:58,400 Speaker 1: that next chapter. 193 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:01,120 Speaker 3: Jay, it's a huge difference. 194 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 5: I think that I would feel like just like a 195 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:09,200 Speaker 5: sigh of relief, like finally, like and it's not a 196 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 5: matter of not caring, of not having love for him. 197 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,679 Speaker 3: I do care. I do have love for him. But 198 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:19,800 Speaker 3: I think that we've just outgrown this, you know. And 199 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:24,520 Speaker 3: it's really hard to be somewhere you don't want to 200 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:29,080 Speaker 3: be and feel like if you do make a decision 201 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,960 Speaker 3: that is going to hurt the person that you care 202 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,520 Speaker 3: about drastically. You don't want to see them hurt, but 203 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 3: you also don't want to be in that situation anymore. 204 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 3: So I think if we could just get to that point, 205 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,960 Speaker 3: you know, I think it'd be great for both of us, 206 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,240 Speaker 3: for our mental health. I think that I think we'll 207 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 3: grow as a person individually a lot a lot when 208 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:54,040 Speaker 3: we're not so connected anymore. 209 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 1: And do you want to grow? I do? 210 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:00,320 Speaker 2: I do. 211 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,560 Speaker 1: How would you know you were growing in a way 212 00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:03,240 Speaker 1: that was right for. 213 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,160 Speaker 3: You, Jay, I think one of the ways is I 214 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,439 Speaker 3: would stop spending so much time thinking about the situation 215 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 3: and letting it become so burdensome to me. And I 216 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,760 Speaker 3: feel like I've done the best that I can to 217 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,800 Speaker 3: minimize that with the current situation. But I do think, 218 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:25,720 Speaker 3: you know, once things change, I'll feel just less burden 219 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,800 Speaker 3: and less and just I don't know, man, I feel 220 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,960 Speaker 3: like I'll just focus on other things, like if sometimes 221 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,320 Speaker 3: when things aren't right in front of you anymore, you 222 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,079 Speaker 3: get to just be like, oh wow, so the elephant 223 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 3: is gone. Look at this side of the room, look 224 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 3: at that side of the room. All of these other 225 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,720 Speaker 3: things exist, Like I can now focus on those things, 226 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,880 Speaker 3: and that's kind of where I want to get to. 227 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,240 Speaker 3: So I think, you know, I think that'll be a 228 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,680 Speaker 3: part of it. I think I don't like being home. 229 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 3: And I'm not saying like David is not a bad guy. 230 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 3: These are the ways that I feel about the situation. 231 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,800 Speaker 3: This is not about him him not being a good person. 232 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:05,000 Speaker 3: This is not about him being some terrible guy, because 233 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,679 Speaker 3: he's not that. It's just how I feel in the 234 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 3: situation is not healthy. So I don't really like being home, 235 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,080 Speaker 3: and I think once we separate, I think I'll enjoy 236 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 3: being home more. I think I would do more to 237 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,199 Speaker 3: make the house feel more like what I wanted to 238 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 3: feel like. So I think, you know, those the type 239 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 3: of things that I might be doing and thinking. 240 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:32,400 Speaker 1: Okay, David, what about you? What would you notice about 241 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,240 Speaker 1: yourself that would tell you that that piece you would 242 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:36,800 Speaker 1: talk about earlier was actually happening. 243 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 2: So I feel like in my own situation, my own 244 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 2: space that you know, I built a woofsa like all right, cool, 245 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,559 Speaker 2: now I could go ahead and just go ahead and 246 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:55,640 Speaker 2: start doing what I need to do. Yeah, so until 247 00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:59,839 Speaker 2: that happened, I think, you know, and this is I 248 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,600 Speaker 2: want her to she I told her this before. She 249 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:08,959 Speaker 2: Absolutely we both need our peace and it's not just 250 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 2: for ourselves, it's for our two sons. So right, you know, 251 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:20,000 Speaker 2: me being not at peace with situations, it's not a 252 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:24,120 Speaker 2: good thing towards my children, all three of them, even 253 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:28,200 Speaker 2: though my daughter is not here. But still I feel 254 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 2: like and I need to be in my own environment. Yeah, 255 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:36,280 Speaker 2: it's like you said, it's it's it's that time, you know, 256 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,080 Speaker 2: time for us to move on as co parent, you know. 257 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,680 Speaker 2: So my focus is that and my children, and that's it. 258 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 1: What would you be concentrating on instead of this? 259 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 2: My kids? Okay, my children, veteran, myself moving on, you know, 260 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:59,960 Speaker 2: staying healthy and all that good stuff, going back to school, 261 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,720 Speaker 2: like all of that, like that's all all the things 262 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,560 Speaker 2: I want to do and I need, and it's just 263 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,080 Speaker 2: there's two things that I really need to do first, 264 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 2: so I could start doing that. And that's the goal. 265 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 1: You said, there's two things that need to happen. One 266 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:13,560 Speaker 1: of them is moving out. 267 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 2: Get a vehicle. I need a car. Those are my 268 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,240 Speaker 2: two goals because it would help me with a vehicle, 269 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:23,240 Speaker 2: will help take the burning off the jay by picking 270 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,360 Speaker 2: up the boys and stuff like that. And then I 271 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,160 Speaker 2: don't got to rely on her. I don't want I 272 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:32,200 Speaker 2: don't want everything. She's been doing a lot herself for 273 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:36,680 Speaker 2: a while, so it's it's time. And I always had 274 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:40,720 Speaker 2: a car, but for the last like there's been a 275 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 2: year and a half, well a year and like a 276 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,320 Speaker 2: couple of months, I ain't have no vehicle. 277 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,400 Speaker 1: Okay, hey, how would the How would the boys know 278 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 1: that the two of you had achieved piece? We're concentrating, 279 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:56,040 Speaker 1: we're focused. How would how would the boys know that? 280 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,560 Speaker 1: Like then, I don't just mean when you move out, 281 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 1: I mean like if it happened, like right this minute, 282 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,720 Speaker 1: if I just snap my finger and made it happen, 283 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,160 Speaker 1: how would the boys know that? 284 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,680 Speaker 2: I think the boys are too young to really know 285 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:16,920 Speaker 2: me personally, like I on my rough days, like I 286 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,200 Speaker 2: try to just deal with it by myself, Like I 287 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,880 Speaker 2: try not to show nothing in front of them, like 288 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,000 Speaker 2: I gotta go in a different room, or go in 289 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 2: the garage, or go take a walk, like it's been 290 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,400 Speaker 2: some rough days. So I try to, to my best 291 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 2: of my ability, try to hold it together in front 292 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,960 Speaker 2: of them. So I don't really think they you know, 293 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,520 Speaker 2: they don't need to see that side. 294 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,640 Speaker 1: And I'm sure, I'm sure that you know you do 295 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,360 Speaker 1: a good job of going in other rooms and things. 296 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,600 Speaker 1: But if things get better, how would they notice it? 297 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,600 Speaker 2: That's a that's a tough one. I mean, you asked 298 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:55,480 Speaker 2: you you asked questions like that before, and it's like, 299 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,480 Speaker 2: I mean, the boys, they smart, but I don't know. 300 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,960 Speaker 3: I think they both will notice, maybe that we are 301 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:08,640 Speaker 3: more patient with them, because even though we try to 302 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,160 Speaker 3: keep our feelings and emotions separate, I do think that 303 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:17,879 Speaker 3: the situation being tense doesn't encourage us to have the 304 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,440 Speaker 3: greatest patient sometimes with some of the things that they do. 305 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:24,919 Speaker 3: So I think I hope that they will notice, you know, 306 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,640 Speaker 3: more patients from us. 307 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,440 Speaker 1: What would they see that would tell the more patience what's. 308 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 3: Happening, just how we respond to them, you know, because 309 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:38,399 Speaker 3: you know, the oldest one, he could be a little 310 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 3: trying at times. 311 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,480 Speaker 1: But as he's supposed to be. 312 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:50,840 Speaker 3: Right right, But you know, sometimes it's like, even at 313 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,240 Speaker 3: that first moment, I feel like sometimes I could be 314 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,880 Speaker 3: a little annoyed in the way that I communicate to him. 315 00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 3: So I don't I don't want to be like that. 316 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 3: Not to say that kids are not going to be annoying. 317 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,840 Speaker 3: They eventually they're going to be annoying at some point, 318 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,720 Speaker 3: But how I communicate when I am annoyed or when 319 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,919 Speaker 3: I am frustrated, especially when it has nothing to do 320 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,320 Speaker 3: with him, I think that I'll be able to manage 321 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:14,200 Speaker 3: that a little bit better. 322 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,760 Speaker 1: Okay, what difference do you think that would make in 323 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:23,240 Speaker 1: their lives? Jay to have parents that were more patient, 324 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,399 Speaker 1: less annoyed, those sorts of things. What difference do you 325 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,800 Speaker 1: think of making their lives? 326 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,600 Speaker 3: I mean, hopefully they'll be happy about it. I don't 327 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,480 Speaker 3: know that they internalize it right now as much as 328 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,960 Speaker 3: I internalize it, And I could be wrong, obviously, I 329 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:43,159 Speaker 3: don't know, but I think right now they probably just 330 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:48,159 Speaker 3: think this is normal, so and it's not like anything egregious. 331 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,680 Speaker 3: So it's not like Bommy yelling, Daddy yelling, you know 332 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,399 Speaker 3: what I mean, It's not like that. But you know, 333 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:59,520 Speaker 3: I think when the parents are at peace, it's gonna, 334 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 3: you know, result in them being more settled and you know, 335 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:04,320 Speaker 3: possibly less. 336 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:05,480 Speaker 2: I don't know. 337 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,720 Speaker 3: I don't really know. I just think they'll be happy. 338 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 1: Would you be pleased to be helping them be happier? 339 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:13,119 Speaker 3: Of course? Of course. 340 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,960 Speaker 1: What else do you think the boys would notice that 341 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,960 Speaker 1: would tell them you guys are achieving peace and you're 342 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,000 Speaker 1: kind of growing and i'man And again, I don't mean 343 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,359 Speaker 1: just when you move out. I mean, like if I 344 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,640 Speaker 1: snap my fingers in that piece happened today. What else 345 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:29,880 Speaker 1: do you think they would notice? 346 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,320 Speaker 3: Well, I mean it's going to be a major transition 347 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,960 Speaker 3: for them if their father isn't living here, So that's 348 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,119 Speaker 3: going to be a very obvious thing that they're going 349 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:44,040 Speaker 3: to notice, and that's going to take a lot of 350 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 3: you know, helping guide them through that change. 351 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,120 Speaker 1: So how do you know they can handle it? 352 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,000 Speaker 2: I don't know. 353 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,560 Speaker 3: I don't I don't know. 354 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,840 Speaker 1: I have no idea, David, what you say. 355 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:01,120 Speaker 2: I said, we don't know. I'm I'm not a father 356 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:05,760 Speaker 2: that's not involved, So it's gonna be rough. Like it's 357 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,239 Speaker 2: they look for me now, and I'm like, yo, my 358 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:13,200 Speaker 2: my way home from work, So me not being here, 359 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:17,560 Speaker 2: it's gonna be. It's gonna be. It's gonna be rough 360 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 2: for both of us. It's gonna take some adjusting. H 361 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,760 Speaker 2: I'm just gonna pray that, you know, they get through 362 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 2: it and then just try to stay involved. Is like 363 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 2: the same, only differences to different households, that's all. It's 364 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 2: gonna be tough. It's gonna be. I know it is. 365 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,640 Speaker 2: I know it is right, definitely gonna be tough, right, 366 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:47,400 Speaker 2: But I believe that they're gonna be able to get 367 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:47,840 Speaker 2: through it. 368 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:54,080 Speaker 1: But David, if this piece thing started happening today, even 369 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:57,760 Speaker 1: before you moved into a different place, how else would 370 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:58,600 Speaker 1: the boys know it? 371 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,359 Speaker 2: I mean, I'm thinking like the same thing. Like, because 372 00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 2: I'm a I'm a very patient person, but at times lately, 373 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:15,480 Speaker 2: like it'd be little stuff and I should be a 374 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,360 Speaker 2: little bit more patient, but it's just so much other 375 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:22,640 Speaker 2: stuff going on that I'll probably snap a little bit 376 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:28,480 Speaker 2: quicker than I usually will do, or you know, be 377 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:34,960 Speaker 2: a little bit more annoyed then I'm usually yeah, So 378 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,719 Speaker 2: I feel like if you was to snap your fingers, 379 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:44,080 Speaker 2: that they notice that, especially my oldest one, my little one, 380 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:49,159 Speaker 2: like he really don't. I think he's rolling with the 381 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,399 Speaker 2: punches because he's just he's the youngest, like, so it 382 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,440 Speaker 2: is what it is, like they gotta help, they gotta 383 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:59,080 Speaker 2: I'm the youngest, so but I think with my oldest one, 384 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:05,720 Speaker 2: he definitely notice that, Like, okay, that that is all right? 385 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:06,880 Speaker 2: You know. 386 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,520 Speaker 1: What difference do it making their lives? Do you think 387 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:15,840 Speaker 1: if they started noticing this piece on their parents right away, 388 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:20,440 Speaker 1: like if they started seeing that more patience, less snappy, 389 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,480 Speaker 1: how do you think that would impact the kids' lives? 390 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:30,520 Speaker 2: I don't know, Like it's hard to say that is like, 391 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,760 Speaker 2: I don't think it's impacting their lives in a bad 392 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:38,520 Speaker 2: way right now, right, you know, without you snapping your fingers, 393 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:43,320 Speaker 2: So I don't I can't see if they was to notice, 394 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:47,880 Speaker 2: like how it will impact them. My biggest thing is 395 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,440 Speaker 2: what's gonna happen when I'm not here, How that's gonna 396 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:58,720 Speaker 2: impact I think that's a bigger transition and a bigger 397 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:05,679 Speaker 2: impact than me being at peace mentally and you know, 398 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,720 Speaker 2: not as snappy and more patient. I think that's the 399 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 2: biggest one. Like if I had to put things on 400 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,760 Speaker 2: the board, that one is getting circled like four times 401 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:20,600 Speaker 2: or underlined five times. It's that part why, because it's 402 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:23,359 Speaker 2: a it's a big it's a big change you're talking about, 403 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 2: you know, it's a big change. It could affect him. 404 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,400 Speaker 2: It can affect his attitude, It can affect his school work, 405 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,960 Speaker 2: it could affect his move it could affect a lot 406 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:40,359 Speaker 2: of things. Because it's Pop saying here because all of 407 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:44,439 Speaker 2: his seventy years of his life, ninety eight percent of 408 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:49,840 Speaker 2: the time, like I don't put him asleep, like you know, 409 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,240 Speaker 2: went to sleep, he probably saw me if I wasn't 410 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,159 Speaker 2: at work, but when he woke up, he saw me 411 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:59,240 Speaker 2: right there. My boys expect to see me when they 412 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:04,959 Speaker 2: get home, right Like. It's just that's one of the expectations. 413 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:10,320 Speaker 2: So when that expectation is not there, then that's what's 414 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:15,320 Speaker 2: I'm concerned, not saying they won't make it through it. 415 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:21,919 Speaker 2: I can't basic on my childhood because I don't know 416 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,960 Speaker 2: how it affected me. Nobody never sat me down like 417 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:28,439 Speaker 2: like it probably did affect me. I don't know, you know, 418 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:32,920 Speaker 2: but I know how it is with me being here 419 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,960 Speaker 2: but we'll cross that bridge when it happened, you know, 420 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:41,960 Speaker 2: and just like I said, just prey on it. That'll 421 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:46,320 Speaker 2: be a smoother transition. He'd be good. He's a smart kid, 422 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:50,040 Speaker 2: but he's emotional, he's sensitive. 423 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:54,760 Speaker 1: So right, Yeah, well I have a thought I want 424 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:59,000 Speaker 1: to share about that. But before I do, Jay, you 425 00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:03,760 Speaker 1: said that you don't think David's a bad guy and 426 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,679 Speaker 1: you still love him, but you're really ready for this 427 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:11,480 Speaker 1: new chapter. What is it about David that you think 428 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,639 Speaker 1: is like not a bad guy? Like, what is it 429 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,880 Speaker 1: about what? What is it about David that's likable? 430 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:23,080 Speaker 3: I mean, he's good to his children. He he eats healthy, 431 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:30,760 Speaker 3: he's friendly, he's funny sometimes it's kind, you know, he 432 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:37,000 Speaker 3: likes to write poetry. He loves God. Yeah, all those things. 433 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,160 Speaker 1: What makes him a good dad? 434 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 3: He's present with them, he's involved. I think emotionally he's 435 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:49,040 Speaker 3: a good dad for them. But I'm be honest, Like 436 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,639 Speaker 3: if you if you say it's someone a good parent 437 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:58,800 Speaker 3: and you don't factor in the financial piece, then I 438 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:02,280 Speaker 3: I don't know, good is objective, I guess, but if 439 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,560 Speaker 3: we take that part out, then you know, I feel 440 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:09,040 Speaker 3: like you know, he's he's present with them, he helps them, 441 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,000 Speaker 3: you know, he talks to them, he plays with them, 442 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,240 Speaker 3: he praise with them. 443 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:19,639 Speaker 1: So, okay, do you like that? Do you want to 444 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,439 Speaker 1: have a like a co parent that prays with your children? 445 00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:23,840 Speaker 3: Of course? 446 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:28,360 Speaker 1: How do you think it impacts the boys to see 447 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,199 Speaker 1: you guys kind of at your best, whether you're live 448 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,720 Speaker 1: together or not, but to see you guys at your best? 449 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,000 Speaker 1: How do you think it impacts the kids? 450 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:40,159 Speaker 3: Oh, this line of questioning really challenges me in ways 451 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:46,840 Speaker 3: that I don't like. How do I say it's okay, 452 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,240 Speaker 3: I know this is your strategy. I just don't understand it. 453 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,399 Speaker 3: So it's hard for me sometimes to just kind of 454 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:57,000 Speaker 3: continue to process these questions. But I think it has 455 00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:01,400 Speaker 3: a positive impact on them. I think that it when 456 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:06,480 Speaker 3: anyone is surrounded by care and love and kindness and 457 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:10,560 Speaker 3: peace and all of that stuff, and also providing a 458 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:15,800 Speaker 3: safe home, security structure, like these are the things that 459 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:24,680 Speaker 3: create hopefully law abiding, effective adults. So I mean that's 460 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:25,879 Speaker 3: the long run, I guess. 461 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:29,919 Speaker 1: And you like the idea of them being you know, 462 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:31,600 Speaker 1: law binding effective adults. 463 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:37,160 Speaker 3: Yes, I think that's a great idea. 464 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,840 Speaker 1: It's very common that people will describe the questions that 465 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,240 Speaker 1: I ask it's hard for them to answer. But to 466 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:46,160 Speaker 1: be honest with you, I don't necessarily care because oftentimes 467 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:49,959 Speaker 1: healing things are uncomfortable. Going to the doctor, you get shots, 468 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,919 Speaker 1: that's uncomfortable. When you're sick, you take medicine that tastes nasty, 469 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:57,879 Speaker 1: that's uncomfortable. Going to the gym, it's uncomfortable. Running for miles. 470 00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,680 Speaker 1: It's uncomfortable. You can't grow experience change why it will 471 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:05,480 Speaker 1: being comfortable. My job is to create what I call 472 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:10,159 Speaker 1: useful discomfort. My job is to create the experience of discomfort, 473 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:12,800 Speaker 1: but the kind of discomfort that creates change in the 474 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,239 Speaker 1: direction that the client would be pleased with. So if 475 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:16,679 Speaker 1: I got to the end of the session and my 476 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:19,280 Speaker 1: client was like, oh, those questions were really easy and 477 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,959 Speaker 1: this was a super comfortable process, I didn't do a 478 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:27,480 Speaker 1: good job. My job is to create useful discomfort, meaning 479 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:29,880 Speaker 1: the kind of discomfort that moves the client's life from 480 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:42,840 Speaker 1: wherever they are to wherever they'd like to be. Okay, So, Jay, 481 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:45,520 Speaker 1: first of all, I got to say thank you because 482 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 1: I know there have been times in my time of 483 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,640 Speaker 1: knowing you that you wanted to reach through the screen 484 00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:54,560 Speaker 1: and choke me out and given that you've been in 485 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,280 Speaker 1: the military, you probably know how to choke me out. 486 00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:02,160 Speaker 1: So I'm really really grateful you to answer those questions. 487 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:07,440 Speaker 1: So thank you, David. I've never felt like he ever 488 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,600 Speaker 1: wanted to choke me out, even though he's probably capable 489 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:13,160 Speaker 1: of it too. But I asked you those questions because 490 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:15,480 Speaker 1: I want to get I wanted to get some information 491 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:20,520 Speaker 1: and understand a few things. And now that you've spent 492 00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:25,480 Speaker 1: you know, nearly an hour answering those questions, can I 493 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:32,600 Speaker 1: give you some feedback. I think I think the two 494 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,760 Speaker 1: of you are making a mistake, and I want to 495 00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:41,760 Speaker 1: help you avoid this mistake, okay, And the mistake you're 496 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:50,280 Speaker 1: making is you're falling into the trap of like, I 497 00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:52,920 Speaker 1: want peace, which is understandable, by the way, I totally 498 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:59,000 Speaker 1: understand people wanting peace, and I want to grow. And 499 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:05,800 Speaker 1: the trap is thinking I can't have peace until David 500 00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:09,640 Speaker 1: moves out, or or David thinking I can't have peace 501 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:10,680 Speaker 1: until I move out. 502 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 2: I can't. 503 00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,680 Speaker 1: Well hold on, wait before you say that, let me 504 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:21,200 Speaker 1: say my part. I want you guys, to get to 505 00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:27,880 Speaker 1: the point where my ability to have peace is not 506 00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:32,000 Speaker 1: dependent upon whether I live in the house or in 507 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:34,479 Speaker 1: a different place. Now that's not to say not to 508 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 1: move out, and there's not to say not to move 509 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:40,800 Speaker 1: out urgently, but that is to say, if I can 510 00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:44,640 Speaker 1: treat the other partner with kindness and acknowledge that they're 511 00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:49,400 Speaker 1: not all bad, and acknowledge that they're good at certain things, 512 00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:52,480 Speaker 1: then it's going to increase your ability to be more 513 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,920 Speaker 1: patient with the children, to be more patient with each other, 514 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:57,080 Speaker 1: and it'll remove the tension in the home. 515 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:00,400 Speaker 2: I'll see what you say. 516 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:04,600 Speaker 1: Instead of just being like we're gonna be tense until 517 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:07,720 Speaker 1: we leave, it doesn't actually have to be that way. 518 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:12,720 Speaker 1: And I also think you're underestimating your impact on the 519 00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:17,480 Speaker 1: on the children because number one, I promise you they 520 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:21,320 Speaker 1: can feel the tension in the house. I promise you 521 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:25,800 Speaker 1: that's true. Even if you hide negative interactions from them, 522 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:29,360 Speaker 1: they can feel the tension in the house. And I 523 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:32,400 Speaker 1: also promise you the two of you are both loving, 524 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:34,880 Speaker 1: caring parents, so you're gonna be able to parent them 525 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:38,880 Speaker 1: through this transition. So I think it's really important that 526 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:41,400 Speaker 1: we have as much peace as we can possibly have 527 00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: while we're in the house, because we don't want the 528 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,680 Speaker 1: boys to be impacted by the tension that is present. 529 00:31:49,040 --> 00:32:00,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think. I think lately it's been uh, we 530 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:08,520 Speaker 2: don't like, we really don't like. We don't argue, uh, 531 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:11,640 Speaker 2: we say stuff we had text each other more than anything. 532 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:19,680 Speaker 2: We try not to get upset with each other in 533 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:25,480 Speaker 2: front of the boys either. We don't say anything. It's 534 00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:27,760 Speaker 2: been times that we had that stuff and the boys 535 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,960 Speaker 2: was right there. But I just think lately, like you know, 536 00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:37,320 Speaker 2: we we try. It's not easy. We try, right, but 537 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:38,560 Speaker 2: it's not easy. 538 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:45,080 Speaker 1: Right, And David, I'm very aware what I'm asking and 539 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:49,239 Speaker 1: what I'm what I'm pointing you to. I am very 540 00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:54,120 Speaker 1: aware it's not easy, but I'm also aware that it's 541 00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:58,520 Speaker 1: massively impactful for the children. And David, you know, like, 542 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:02,360 Speaker 1: have you ever been in a around two people that 543 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:04,400 Speaker 1: you know don't like each other and you can just 544 00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:06,560 Speaker 1: feel attention even if they don't say nothing. 545 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:13,480 Speaker 2: To one person, you can just right absolutely, I know 546 00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:14,200 Speaker 2: what you're saying. 547 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,080 Speaker 1: So that's what I'm saying. I promise you your boys can 548 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:21,280 Speaker 1: feel attention. Even though you two are really good people, 549 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,880 Speaker 1: You're not You're not throwing, you know, bullets at each 550 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:26,800 Speaker 1: other in front of the kids. You're not stabbing each 551 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:28,800 Speaker 1: other in the face with knives in front of the kids. 552 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:31,200 Speaker 1: You're not having knockdown, drag out fights in front of 553 00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:33,520 Speaker 1: the kids, But that tension that you that I was 554 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:36,120 Speaker 1: just talking about, I promise they can feel it, and 555 00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:38,720 Speaker 1: I want you guys to do your absolute best to 556 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,960 Speaker 1: treat each other with kindness, simply because I think you're 557 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:42,680 Speaker 1: a good person. 558 00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:43,080 Speaker 2: Now. 559 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,640 Speaker 1: I might not want to be with you right now, 560 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:46,880 Speaker 1: I might want to move out, but that doesn't mean 561 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,360 Speaker 1: enough to treat you like you're the worst human being 562 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:51,080 Speaker 1: that ever lived. That doesn't mean I have to treat 563 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:52,560 Speaker 1: you from a place of resentment. 564 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,920 Speaker 3: I'm gonna say this, I partially agree with you. 565 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:00,000 Speaker 2: I feel partially. 566 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:05,320 Speaker 3: Yes, So I definitely think there is an impact on 567 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,520 Speaker 3: our children. Yes, I agree with that. I think the 568 00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:13,240 Speaker 3: impact is more that they do not see their parents 569 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:17,399 Speaker 3: in a loving, affectionate relationship, and I think that has 570 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:21,960 Speaker 3: a negative impact on them. I think that, yes, we 571 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:25,520 Speaker 3: are trying our best to be peaceful and be kind 572 00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,520 Speaker 3: to each other, and I think we do really well 573 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:32,399 Speaker 3: at that. But obviously the tension is there. It's not 574 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:34,920 Speaker 3: going to just be gone totally, but I think that 575 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:38,000 Speaker 3: we do handle it pretty well. The part that I 576 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:42,920 Speaker 3: disagree with is trying to find peace in an environment 577 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,680 Speaker 3: that is not conducive. 578 00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:48,640 Speaker 2: For that is hard. It's unrealistic. 579 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:53,480 Speaker 3: It's not just hard, it's unrealistic. If I was, for example, 580 00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:57,359 Speaker 3: if I was beating David's ass, which would be really 581 00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:00,440 Speaker 3: hard for me to do, right six five do it, 582 00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:02,960 Speaker 3: and I have no intentions on doing it. I'm just 583 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:06,040 Speaker 3: using it as an example. It would be really hard 584 00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:09,120 Speaker 3: for us to live together in peace. So know our 585 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:12,839 Speaker 3: situation is not that extreme, but it is still an 586 00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:17,120 Speaker 3: environment that is not conducive to the both of us 587 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:20,319 Speaker 3: getting to a place where we deserve to be. So, 588 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:23,800 Speaker 3: no matter what we do, as long as we continue 589 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:27,160 Speaker 3: to live together, and it's going to be impossible for 590 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:31,040 Speaker 3: us to reach the goals that we have for ourselves individually, 591 00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:36,920 Speaker 3: that is a given. If this situation was like I said, 592 00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:40,080 Speaker 3: Mebida has asked, neither one of us would be at peace. 593 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:43,000 Speaker 3: So it doesn't have to be that extreme to know 594 00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:45,560 Speaker 3: that this is not right. This is not the environment 595 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:49,080 Speaker 3: that we want. And we can try, and we have tried, 596 00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 3: and we continue to try to be the best version 597 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:56,080 Speaker 3: of ourselves that we can be while we're together, but 598 00:35:56,239 --> 00:35:59,359 Speaker 3: that is not going to reach its highest potential until 599 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,120 Speaker 3: we are separating it, and I. 600 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:04,359 Speaker 1: Don't disagree with that, Jay, I don't disagree with that. 601 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:07,480 Speaker 1: You You're using some really important phrases there when you're like, 602 00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:10,839 Speaker 1: we can't reach our highest potential until we're no longer 603 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,759 Speaker 1: living together. Jay, I'm not saying that's not true. Let 604 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,400 Speaker 1: me give you an example from your own life to 605 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:22,040 Speaker 1: highlight what I mean. How many times did you deploy. 606 00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:23,840 Speaker 3: Twice? 607 00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:27,640 Speaker 1: And if I remember correctly, Jay, you were in like. 608 00:36:29,719 --> 00:36:32,920 Speaker 3: The war zone, correct for one deployment? 609 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:35,239 Speaker 1: Yet where where were you? 610 00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:35,360 Speaker 2: Like? 611 00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:36,280 Speaker 1: What what area? 612 00:36:36,719 --> 00:36:37,439 Speaker 3: Afghanistan? 613 00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:38,880 Speaker 1: Okay? 614 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:39,879 Speaker 2: When? 615 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:46,840 Speaker 1: So, when we deploy soldiers to places like Afghanistan, that's 616 00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:55,239 Speaker 1: not ideal, but we do things to make it like 617 00:36:57,160 --> 00:37:02,040 Speaker 1: as comfortable as possible, Like, for example, they'll have a 618 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:07,120 Speaker 1: big Christmas dinner and another thing they'll do is they'll 619 00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:11,160 Speaker 1: play the super Bowl and it's like those things to like, 620 00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:16,480 Speaker 1: I'm gonna make it as and in less than ideal situation, 621 00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:20,120 Speaker 1: I'm gonna make certain things happen to help the soldiers 622 00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:23,560 Speaker 1: focus on this thing. And to be honest with you, 623 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:27,200 Speaker 1: that's really what I'm talking about. I agree with everything 624 00:37:27,239 --> 00:37:29,520 Speaker 1: you said, Jay, Like you really didn't say anything that 625 00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:33,319 Speaker 1: I really want to disagree with you said like, in 626 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:35,319 Speaker 1: order for me to reach my highest potential, I got 627 00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:37,120 Speaker 1: to start my next chapter. We can't do that when 628 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:39,480 Speaker 1: we're living here. I agree with you. I don't think 629 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:43,200 Speaker 1: the situation is ideal, But in the midst of an 630 00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:47,520 Speaker 1: unideal less than ideal situation, I can still treat my 631 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,920 Speaker 1: partner as like a friend. I can still treat my 632 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:54,720 Speaker 1: co parent as someone that I appreciate instead of someone 633 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:58,759 Speaker 1: I resent and your children will experience that shift and 634 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:04,359 Speaker 1: it'll do good for them. 635 00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I'm working on the resentment. 636 00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:10,320 Speaker 1: Part, and that's to be honest with you, one hundred percent. 637 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:14,480 Speaker 1: That's all I'm saying. I believe that you are both 638 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:16,880 Speaker 1: really good people. I believe that you both love your 639 00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,680 Speaker 1: children very much, and I believe you're doing a good 640 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:22,480 Speaker 1: job of keeping the conflict away from the children. I 641 00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:25,040 Speaker 1: also believe that in spite of you guys deciding that 642 00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:27,719 Speaker 1: you want to live in separate places, that doesn't mean 643 00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:31,680 Speaker 1: you have to do it with resentment, and the kids 644 00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:33,840 Speaker 1: are the one that pay the price for the presence 645 00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:36,680 Speaker 1: of that resentment. So all I'm saying is, what if 646 00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:39,439 Speaker 1: we could live together and instead of looking at him 647 00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:43,759 Speaker 1: like oh, the pos that pissed me off. I could 648 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:45,799 Speaker 1: look at you as like you're the dad that prays 649 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:49,080 Speaker 1: with my children, and that's going to help you treat 650 00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:52,520 Speaker 1: the other person from a position of appreciation instead of resentment, 651 00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:55,360 Speaker 1: and the children benefit from that shift. 652 00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess I'm not sure how I don't do that. 653 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:04,160 Speaker 1: Well. I think you both could do better at it. 654 00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:05,879 Speaker 1: And the reason I know that is because you talk 655 00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:08,160 Speaker 1: about the tension and the resentment in the home. 656 00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:10,480 Speaker 2: I think it's just some days. 657 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:12,080 Speaker 3: I just keep it to myself. 658 00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:15,319 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think bottle it up. Yeah, some days are 659 00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:18,000 Speaker 2: better than others. I think it's some days is better 660 00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:20,360 Speaker 2: than others. I'm gonna be honest with you. It's not. 661 00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:22,920 Speaker 2: I'm not going to sit here and like it's in 662 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:26,000 Speaker 2: when fantasy land or whatever the case may be. It's 663 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,920 Speaker 2: some days are better than others. So I think we 664 00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:33,680 Speaker 2: got to take it day by day. And it's like 665 00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:38,520 Speaker 2: I keeps it's not. It's extremely difficult and we are 666 00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:42,120 Speaker 2: doing our best. I still sorry. 667 00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:44,640 Speaker 3: I don't want to cut you off, but we kind 668 00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:48,799 Speaker 3: of need to pick up our kids. I mean we can, 669 00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:50,880 Speaker 3: we can still talk, but we got to get in 670 00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:52,160 Speaker 3: the car. 671 00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:55,000 Speaker 1: We're gonna be done, and can I have like sixty 672 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:55,680 Speaker 1: more seconds? 673 00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:56,680 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, for sure. 674 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:01,840 Speaker 1: So all I want you to work on is treating 675 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:05,279 Speaker 1: you each other with appreciation instead of resentment. That's it. 676 00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:08,280 Speaker 1: I don't want you to like I have these resentful thoughts, 677 00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:10,520 Speaker 1: I just hold the man. I want you to replace 678 00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:13,879 Speaker 1: the resentful thoughts with appreciation. That doesn't mean you don't 679 00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:15,200 Speaker 1: have to move out, that doesn't mean you have to 680 00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:18,040 Speaker 1: change anything within the relationship. But I want you to praise, 681 00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:23,760 Speaker 1: replace resentment with appreciation, and the children will experience a benefit. 682 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,040 Speaker 1: And as you do that, I want you to notice 683 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:30,160 Speaker 1: notice differences in your children, because they will show you differences. 684 00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,719 Speaker 3: Okay, what does appreciation look like. 685 00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:36,000 Speaker 1: It looks like when you see David walk down the 686 00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,160 Speaker 1: hall on one of those really bad days when you're like, 687 00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:40,440 Speaker 1: I could just go, I could just go shove him 688 00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:43,560 Speaker 1: right now. I want you to remind yourself. I want 689 00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:46,880 Speaker 1: you to remind yourself. But he's also the kind of 690 00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:49,600 Speaker 1: dad that will pray with his children every night, and 691 00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:51,400 Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of kids don't have a 692 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,480 Speaker 1: dad like that. That's what appreciation looks. Appreciation looks like 693 00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:58,840 Speaker 1: in your head saying things that are counter to the resentment, 694 00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,440 Speaker 1: So it increases is your ability to see that other 695 00:41:01,480 --> 00:41:06,719 Speaker 1: person in a positive way. That's what it looks like. 696 00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:12,920 Speaker 1: All right, And David, you too, same thing. 697 00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:19,160 Speaker 2: Same kid, Okay, I'll try. 698 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:23,440 Speaker 1: Same thing because your mind is like David. You if 699 00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:25,680 Speaker 1: I remember correctly, we haven't talked in like over a year. 700 00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:30,120 Speaker 1: You cook really well, and you cook vegetarian or even 701 00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:36,600 Speaker 1: vegan food. If you cooked me a bomb meal and 702 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:44,000 Speaker 1: then the next day you stole my brand new jacket 703 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,600 Speaker 1: because it was cold outside, I could be mad at 704 00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:49,400 Speaker 1: you that you took my jacket without permission, or I 705 00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,480 Speaker 1: could remind myself, but you know what, he made me 706 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,959 Speaker 1: a great meal last night. And the human brain will 707 00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:57,440 Speaker 1: follow whatever track you put it on. So when you 708 00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:03,640 Speaker 1: have one of those bad days and we're being we're 709 00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:07,560 Speaker 1: we're having those difficult, resentful thoughts, replace them with the 710 00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:12,880 Speaker 1: thoughts associated with appreciation, and your children will notice because 711 00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:16,319 Speaker 1: it will impact at tension around them. And I want 712 00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:21,400 Speaker 1: you to notice. I want you to notice them noticing. Okay, okay, 713 00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:26,480 Speaker 1: Oki do God awesome, all right, you guys go pick 714 00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:27,839 Speaker 1: up the kids. Have a great day. 715 00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:28,760 Speaker 2: David. 716 00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:30,400 Speaker 1: My brother was good to see you again. 717 00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:30,960 Speaker 2: Jay. 718 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:32,880 Speaker 1: It was good to see you again, my sister. 719 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:36,240 Speaker 2: Yeah. 720 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:40,160 Speaker 1: You know a lot of times clients will refer to 721 00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:44,000 Speaker 1: themselves as being like in a stuck situation, and they 722 00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:46,359 Speaker 1: don't realize that they're not stuck by the situation. They're 723 00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:49,840 Speaker 1: stuck by their mentality associated with the situation. Because even 724 00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:53,360 Speaker 1: if David and Jay break up, they still have children 725 00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:55,960 Speaker 1: have to raise together, So it's really really important that 726 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:59,520 Speaker 1: they have the proper mindset and mind frame towards the 727 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,839 Speaker 1: other parents as they go down this journey. And it 728 00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:06,920 Speaker 1: is extremely common when we want to create change, we 729 00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:10,439 Speaker 1: have to like mentally, we start to not like our 730 00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:14,680 Speaker 1: current situation in order to want to create a new situation. 731 00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:18,080 Speaker 1: And in this scenario, there are definitely things about each 732 00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:19,719 Speaker 1: other that are causing them to want to break up. 733 00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,560 Speaker 1: So it's normal to be like, well, this thing drives 734 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:26,240 Speaker 1: me nuts about this person, and that drives my energy 735 00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:30,160 Speaker 1: towards them, and that increases resentment. But when you have children, 736 00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:32,200 Speaker 1: you have to be very very aware about the environment 737 00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,799 Speaker 1: and what happens within that environment, and there are things 738 00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:39,520 Speaker 1: present like resentment, So we have to acknowledge I can 739 00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:42,719 Speaker 1: still not want to be with you, but appreciate you 740 00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,520 Speaker 1: for the things that you are. So to use as 741 00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:47,799 Speaker 1: an example, and this goes both ways, but I'll use 742 00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,480 Speaker 1: Jay as an example. Jay does not want to be 743 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:53,640 Speaker 1: with David because she said he's not a good provider, 744 00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:55,920 Speaker 1: and she has every right to make that decision. But 745 00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:59,480 Speaker 1: he's also the kind of dad that attends to his children. 746 00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:02,360 Speaker 1: He prays for his children nightly, he prepares meals for 747 00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:04,920 Speaker 1: his children, and his children look forward to where used 748 00:44:04,960 --> 00:44:07,319 Speaker 1: to seeing him. And you get to acknowledge I don't 749 00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:10,040 Speaker 1: want to partner with you anymore, but I don't have 750 00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:12,239 Speaker 1: to resent you because I see that you are these 751 00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:14,879 Speaker 1: good things too. And if you can do that, then 752 00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:18,040 Speaker 1: you're not stuck anymore. You can still create a new chapter. 753 00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:20,400 Speaker 1: But it's not about being stuck. It's just about like 754 00:44:20,480 --> 00:44:22,759 Speaker 1: waiting for the time for the new chapter to take hold. 755 00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:26,799 Speaker 1: Most of the time, the last time we see our 756 00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:29,120 Speaker 1: clients is the last time we see our clients. There 757 00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:33,120 Speaker 1: are definitely situations where clients will call you a year, 758 00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:36,480 Speaker 1: five years, or at some point in the future because 759 00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,120 Speaker 1: they want to revisit and come back. But it is 760 00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:41,160 Speaker 1: absolutely not customary that we get an opportunity to follow 761 00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:43,480 Speaker 1: with clients and see how things have been going, and 762 00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:46,240 Speaker 1: it's very much in line with what I would expect. 763 00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:51,080 Speaker 1: Some things have changed in a really, really positive way, 764 00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:54,359 Speaker 1: but a lot of those things don't get noticed. And 765 00:44:54,719 --> 00:44:58,440 Speaker 1: one of the things I would say was the biggest 766 00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:03,080 Speaker 1: sign of progress for me is how decisive both of 767 00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:05,560 Speaker 1: them were, Like they both know exactly what they want 768 00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:11,520 Speaker 1: for their future, and they're both doing things that they 769 00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:15,520 Speaker 1: weren't doing before, like like Jay talked about working out consistently, 770 00:45:16,320 --> 00:45:21,720 Speaker 1: and David talked about like writing and starting new jobs 771 00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,040 Speaker 1: and working on new things, and which to me is 772 00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:28,440 Speaker 1: like taking action and taking initiative. And you know what, 773 00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:30,560 Speaker 1: they've decided that they don't want to be together in 774 00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:34,560 Speaker 1: this new chapter, into this new season, and that's perfectly okay. 775 00:45:35,239 --> 00:45:38,439 Speaker 1: I think we shouldn't measure ourselves as therapists based upon, 776 00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:40,719 Speaker 1: you know, whether a couple stay together or not. What 777 00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:43,880 Speaker 1: we should measure ourselves upon is whether or not the 778 00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:47,600 Speaker 1: individuals in the therapy gained enough enlightenment and awareness that 779 00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,759 Speaker 1: they could make a decision that they were pleased with, 780 00:45:49,800 --> 00:45:53,640 Speaker 1: and that certainly happened here. Thank you for listening. Next 781 00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:57,239 Speaker 1: week we will introduce our new family and begin to 782 00:45:57,360 --> 00:46:01,080 Speaker 1: follow their journey towards healing. I would love to hear 783 00:46:01,120 --> 00:46:04,920 Speaker 1: from you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback. 784 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:07,440 Speaker 1: Leave a review, send a DM connect with me on 785 00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:11,160 Speaker 1: socials at Elliott Speaks. Family Therapy is a production of 786 00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:14,880 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special thanks to 787 00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:18,560 Speaker 1: our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack Quice Thomas 788 00:46:18,719 --> 00:46:20,799 Speaker 1: and the executive producer Dolly S. 789 00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:21,200 Speaker 2: S Fisher. 790 00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:24,800 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio 791 00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:28,279 Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The 792 00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:31,200 Speaker 1: content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for 793 00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:34,120 Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a 794 00:46:34,120 --> 00:46:37,040 Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does 795 00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:40,279 Speaker 1: not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to 796 00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:43,000 Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team or any 797 00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:44,880 Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have.