Speaker 1: Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the
Speaker 1: Red Table Talk Podcast, all your favorite episodes from the
Speaker 1: Facebook watch show in audio, produced by Westbrook Audio and
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review
Speaker 1: on Apple Podcast. The Smith household has been buzzing on
Speaker 1: this Red Table Talk. I'm with you in the pain
Speaker 1: up coming. Oh my god, like I never even saw
Speaker 1: it that way. I forgive you real talk with the
Speaker 1: brilliant Renee Brown. If you're not want to talk about this,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna piss you off. Afraid, five best selling books,
Speaker 1: over a hundred million views for her groundbreaking talks. That
Speaker 1: is it. My mind was blown. She has spent two
Speaker 1: decades studying shame, guilt, and vulnerability. Find out how they
Speaker 1: may be holding you back. This is about you, This
Speaker 1: is about who you want to be. This is what's
Speaker 1: so powerful about your show. You would never have talked
Speaker 1: to about this fifty years ago. All right, this is
Speaker 1: a special one, lady. I've got our girl, Renee Brown,
Speaker 1: finally coming. We've been trying to have Burnee forever. I'm
Speaker 1: so excited. Yeah, she's gonna be a good one. She's amazing. Yeah.
Speaker 1: For me, it's perfect timing. Yeah, that's perfect. Yeahs have
Speaker 1: been going on in game's life. You need a little
Speaker 1: assistance here. Okay, all right, let's walk to the same ladies.
Speaker 1: My whole household is buzzing. Okay. We have been looking
Speaker 1: forward to this red table for a long time. Our
Speaker 1: special guest is beloved and brilliant, and we've been writing
Speaker 1: our burning questions for her all weeking. Welcome, Berne, Welcome.
Speaker 1: First of all, thank you for coming. I cannot tell
Speaker 1: you the Smith household love has been buzzing. I think
Speaker 1: if let me tell you will get so excited. Last
Speaker 1: night when I told him that you were, I guess
Speaker 1: she's coming here. He wanted me to tell you that
Speaker 1: he's such a big fan and he loves the story
Speaker 1: that you tell about your husband at the lake. Yeah. Man, Yeah,
Speaker 1: this sentence that's been floating in my data for years
Speaker 1: kept coming to my head, which is the story I'm
Speaker 1: telling myself. Yes, my husband was being weird to me
Speaker 1: in the lake and it was really long. It was
Speaker 1: just kind of this long swim and I had on
Speaker 1: a speedo and we were working out and we're both
Speaker 1: ex competitive swimmers, and I hadn't worn a speedo in
Speaker 1: a lot of years, and I was trying to connect
Speaker 1: with him and he kept kind of blowing me off.
Speaker 1: And so the story I was making up is that
Speaker 1: it was either like, oh my god, she does not
Speaker 1: rock a speedo like she did twenty five years and
Speaker 1: two kids ago, or she's all And so I just
Speaker 1: looked at him and I said, look, the story I'm
Speaker 1: telling myself right now is that you think I look
Speaker 1: awful or you think I'm old. And it turned out
Speaker 1: that he was actually in the middle of a panic
Speaker 1: attack on the lake that day. He was having his
Speaker 1: own struggles. Appearance and body image are still the number
Speaker 1: one shame triggers for women, so when we make up stories,
Speaker 1: they're often about that. When I first heard that story,
Speaker 1: it was like wow, Like my mind was blown. We
Speaker 1: just can't see what the other person is feeling or thinking.
Speaker 1: We make up stories, and the stories we make up
Speaker 1: are self protective in nature, and that's that's the thing.
Speaker 1: That was the person that would have the story in
Speaker 1: my head and claim it as true and keep it right,
Speaker 1: and I'm making decisions based on it. When I got
Speaker 1: the courage to at least be vulnerable enough to talk
Speaker 1: about the story in my head. I got to see
Speaker 1: the power of vulnerability. We keep on talking about that word.
Speaker 1: Is there a simple way for you to just break
Speaker 1: down what that V word means? Yes, And there's a
Speaker 1: lot of complicated V words, and it's one of the
Speaker 1: most complicated words. Ye. So the definition of vulnerability is
Speaker 1: the emotion that we experience in times of uncertainty, risk,
Speaker 1: and emotional exposure. Examples vulnerability the first date after my divorce,
Speaker 1: saying I love you, first, trying to get pregnant after
Speaker 1: my second miscarriage. I knew early on in my work
Speaker 1: that vulnerability was the birthplace of courage. I knew that
Speaker 1: courage didn't exist without it. And so when you think
Speaker 1: about what y'all do at red table talk uncertain you
Speaker 1: don't know the way the conversation is going to go
Speaker 1: totally risk and emotional exposure. Yeah, got him all three,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you. But I we we definitely be trying
Speaker 1: to practice vulnerability over here. I definitely. I've definitely had
Speaker 1: some moments where I've been at this table going what
Speaker 1: do I say this? Do I say this? Do I
Speaker 1: say When was the last time that you felt like
Speaker 1: you were being most vulnerable definitely when I talked about
Speaker 1: my self harm. Honestly feel like I lost my sanity
Speaker 1: at one Okay, yeah, it was after that whole with
Speaker 1: my hair thing and I was kind of like just
Speaker 1: in this gray area of like who am I? Like
Speaker 1: is there? Like do I have a purpose? And I
Speaker 1: was just like plunged into this like black hole and
Speaker 1: I was like cutting myself? What cutting yourself? Wet on
Speaker 1: my wrist? I mean you can't even see it, but
Speaker 1: like there's still a little something there, but like totally
Speaker 1: lost my sanity for a moment there. Wow, looking back,
Speaker 1: it makes me feel even stronger because so many people
Speaker 1: d M me or or talk to me and we're
Speaker 1: like wow, like that really helped me about you game?
Speaker 1: For me? The one on addiction, there was a power
Speaker 1: that God had been thank God had been doing me
Speaker 1: through all it, and I just said let go and
Speaker 1: surrender so that I could see what he was people.
Speaker 1: I can't even get it up, you know. It was
Speaker 1: really one where I felt really exposed. Yeah, what about you?
Speaker 1: I would say for me, it would be the last
Speaker 1: r T we're gonna start with. This is a very
Speaker 1: personal journey that became very public. Yes, full blast no,
Speaker 1: I I was feeling and just the total breakdown of
Speaker 1: any masks that you know, But I was much courage.
Speaker 1: I want to put it on the table. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you to be able to see
Speaker 1: you and Dad do that. For me, that was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's real deal. That's real love. Like when you can
Speaker 1: be like I'm with you, I'm gonna stand by you
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna hold your hand because I love you.
Speaker 1: That's what we do and that that's really important. But then,
Speaker 1: you know, when I'm talking about all this brune, then
Speaker 1: I start thinking about I get real caught up and
Speaker 1: have always been kind of overly concerned with what other
Speaker 1: people think of me. I've been sober for twenty oh
Speaker 1: my god, twenty four years, and a lot of times
Speaker 1: I have to literally choose, am I going to choose
Speaker 1: use my recovery or am I going to choose making
Speaker 1: people I don't even know feel better? And then when
Speaker 1: you find a quote and it changes your life, that
Speaker 1: it really there was my life before that and my
Speaker 1: life after the quote is it's not the critic who counts.
Speaker 1: It's not the man who points out how the strong
Speaker 1: man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have
Speaker 1: done it better. The credit actually belongs to the man
Speaker 1: in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and
Speaker 1: dust blood, who strives valiantly, who airs again and again
Speaker 1: and again, and who in the end, while I'll change this,
Speaker 1: she may know the triumph of high achievement. At least
Speaker 1: when she fails, she's daring greatly. That is so powerful,
Speaker 1: And it's to me. Three things happen. One, I'm going
Speaker 1: to live my life in the arena. I'm going to
Speaker 1: be brave with my life, and that means choosing courage
Speaker 1: over comfort and pissing some people off sometimes. But I'm
Speaker 1: just not here for your purpose. I'm here for mine too.
Speaker 1: That quote is everything I've ever learned in twenty years
Speaker 1: of research about vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness. It's the
Speaker 1: courage to show up and be real when you can't
Speaker 1: control the outcome or what people think. And then the
Speaker 1: last one that really, I think really set me free
Speaker 1: in almost a dangerous way. But I love it, I
Speaker 1: really love it. Is if you are not in the
Speaker 1: arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I'm not interested
Speaker 1: in your feedback. That right there, it's like, don't you
Speaker 1: you're not even part of this conversation, because if you
Speaker 1: actually are standing in that arena, you would this would
Speaker 1: be a whole different One of the things I wanted
Speaker 1: to ask you to, Brennan. A lot of times, when
Speaker 1: we're getting acquainted with vulnerability, it tends to be daunting.
Speaker 1: What would be some of the lessons that you could
Speaker 1: offer to people in those moments? But number one thing
Speaker 1: I've learned is one, we don't share vulnerability with everyone, right.
Speaker 1: We share our stories with people who have earned the
Speaker 1: right to hear them. So our vulnerability is not for everybody, Right,
Speaker 1: That's a privilege to hear that, right. Number Two, always
Speaker 1: examine your intention for sharing because, and this is a
Speaker 1: big one for me, I never share something that's vulnerable
Speaker 1: to me looking for a response. My healing has to
Speaker 1: be in my sharing, not what I hear bout. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's stop right there, let's start right there, because that
Speaker 1: is it. That is it so that when one is
Speaker 1: sharing their vulnerability, it is towards one's own healing and
Speaker 1: personal growth. Period. So no matter what the response may be,
Speaker 1: no matter how people react, at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: you're saying the fact that you took. That step is
Speaker 1: the win, and that's the thing to hold onto. Got it.
Speaker 1: Never tie your growth or your win to an outcome
Speaker 1: you can't control. There it is. That's it. That's right,
Speaker 1: that's it. So I know, Willow you you were really
Speaker 1: interested in Renee's work around shame. We talked about guilt
Speaker 1: and shame. The difference between shame and guilt is the
Speaker 1: difference between I am bad and I did something bad.
Speaker 1: So you go out on Thursday night, you drink too much,
Speaker 1: you're hungover, and you miss a really important meeting at
Speaker 1: work Friday morning, and yourself talk is, God, I'm an idiot,
Speaker 1: I'm such a loser. I'm such I'm such a zero
Speaker 1: shame or guilt shame focused on self, I'm I'm an idiot,
Speaker 1: I'm a loser. The guilt self talk is I can't
Speaker 1: believe I did that. That was a stupid thing to do.
Speaker 1: Not I am stupid, but that was a stupid thing
Speaker 1: to do. And here's the reason why the difference is huge.
Speaker 1: Shame is positively correlated with violence, addiction, aggression, eating disorders, suicide, bullying.
Speaker 1: I mean, across the board. In my field, we call
Speaker 1: it the master emotion. Not only is guilt not correlated
Speaker 1: with those outcomes, guilt seems to be a protective factor
Speaker 1: against those outcomes. Meaning if I am able to separate
Speaker 1: myself from a behavior and say, you know, I get
Speaker 1: back at an f on a paper, I'm not stupid,
Speaker 1: but not studying last night was stupid. And so guilt
Speaker 1: versus shame is it's it's everything. This is so interesting
Speaker 1: because I just had an experience in my own personal
Speaker 1: life that I went through something exactly like that, and
Speaker 1: I didn't even realize that I was experiencing both shame
Speaker 1: and guilt, and Rodney actually was and I didn't even
Speaker 1: realize he was doing it at the time until you
Speaker 1: just described needs her husband my husband, and he was like, well,
Speaker 1: you did a bad thing. You're not a bad person.
Speaker 1: What Rodney did that intervention is life changing. One of
Speaker 1: the things we've learned in the last probably, let's say
Speaker 1: five years, the brain processes social pain exactly like it
Speaker 1: processes physical pain. So if you spill boiling coffee on
Speaker 1: your hand, the same part of your brain lights up.
Speaker 1: As if I shame you or humiliate you, We're not
Speaker 1: wired for it. It destroys us. Why do people like
Speaker 1: shaming other people so much because it feels great. Because
Speaker 1: when we're in pain, it is a very lethal weapon
Speaker 1: for discharging our own pain and suffering. Shame is a
Speaker 1: tool of oppression, belittling, humiliating, dehumanizing the problem. What we
Speaker 1: don't understand is shame doesn't just destroy the victim of it.
Speaker 1: Shame destroys the person who uses it home and I
Speaker 1: think even more so you know what I mean? Yes,
Speaker 1: I think, you know I think of I rarely ever
Speaker 1: talk about this without getting emotional, but I was raised
Speaker 1: in a very shame based family. Um that was a
Speaker 1: parenting tool because let me tell you something, you can
Speaker 1: change a child's behavior on a die with shame at
Speaker 1: you not how to look. That could just diminish your kids.
Speaker 1: I mean like this because for children, shame is the
Speaker 1: threat of being unlovable, and so for children from newborns
Speaker 1: through about fourth or fifth grade, being unlovable actually means dying.
Speaker 1: So shame is the threat of not being caregiving. I
Speaker 1: can think about the times when I have used shame
Speaker 1: with one of my children, and it's the most devastating
Speaker 1: thing I can think of. And we're most likely to
Speaker 1: shame our children or anyone around us that has less
Speaker 1: power than us when we are either scared or we're
Speaker 1: in our own shame. It's something we're taught. Like the
Speaker 1: way that you just expressed that and paranting, I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, Like I never even saw it that way.
Speaker 1: But I did really try, especially in raising Willow and
Speaker 1: trying not to put shame around her social development, you know,
Speaker 1: trying to raise a young woman and when a young
Speaker 1: woman goes through but not recognizing how tremntal that using
Speaker 1: shame as a parenting tool. Yeah, yeah, igives you. Forgive me,
Speaker 1: I do because I I remember, but I forgive you.
Speaker 1: I do. Where was an example when I was younger,
Speaker 1: like I would just get super emotional, and like I
Speaker 1: still get super emotional now, but you would look at
Speaker 1: me and you would just be like, yeah, you can cry,
Speaker 1: but like do it over like go to your room
Speaker 1: and do it over there, like like you pushing me
Speaker 1: away for crying. Was like, yeah, I'm a bad person
Speaker 1: for crying that. I did have a lot of those
Speaker 1: moments when I was like oh no, no, no, oh no,
Speaker 1: we're not gonna do that. And then they had a
Speaker 1: lot to do with me being able to handle my
Speaker 1: own tears totally. Do you see that in something and
Speaker 1: how I raised you? Because I mean I definitely was
Speaker 1: the kind of parents. Again we had no vulnerability and
Speaker 1: well we couldn't though, you know just an hour. I mean,
Speaker 1: but I was. She was talking about the look. I
Speaker 1: don't know how we did that, but that's all it took.
Speaker 1: We were so good at that in our family, so good,
Speaker 1: like you know. She gave me that the other and
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm grown. Why is my heart calcitating?
Speaker 1: She gave me the look and I'm like looking at
Speaker 1: her and I'm like, but I'm grown, but I'm grown
Speaker 1: in my heart's like I am grown? I am I have,
Speaker 1: I have that look and I'm just gonna admit it
Speaker 1: here for everybody. I can be scary when I'm scared. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I had to check myself when I'm scared. I did
Speaker 1: a look the other day. My head said that makes
Speaker 1: my eye is water, like I'm afraid when you do
Speaker 1: that look, because it's like a look I had growing up,
Speaker 1: Like it's like they get your together or elsewhere? Why
Speaker 1: am now? Or else Dad's way was don't collapse. Would
Speaker 1: look at me and say, don't collapse and I would
Speaker 1: be looking at him like yeah and trying not to
Speaker 1: break down, like this is what's so powerful about your
Speaker 1: show that you would never have talked about this fifty
Speaker 1: years ago. Absolutely not right, I mean absolutely, And let
Speaker 1: me tell you something else. Had you not shamed your children,
Speaker 1: you would have been shamed by your friends. One of
Speaker 1: my favorite people in the world as my grandmother Ellen.
Speaker 1: She died, but I named my daughter after her, and
Speaker 1: there's a picture of her that I have that I
Speaker 1: keep very close by. She's nine months pregnant and she's
Speaker 1: got a cigarette in one hand and a melomine ashtray
Speaker 1: balancing on her big belly. It reminds me that don't
Speaker 1: hold people responsible for information they didn't have. People were
Speaker 1: mostly doing the very best they could, where some people
Speaker 1: just terrible people. Yes, but in this case, people you
Speaker 1: shame because it was how we parent. I'm actually glad though,
Speaker 1: because I was over the top at some points in
Speaker 1: my in my childhood career. I do recognize those moments,
Speaker 1: you know, and it just had a lot to do
Speaker 1: with me not being able to handle my own vulnerability
Speaker 1: at that time, just growing up in the environments we
Speaker 1: grew up, you know, and it's a different playing field now, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because I think we equated being vulnerable with being weak,
Speaker 1: and yeah, not just weak, dangerous. Yeah, we would be
Speaker 1: negligent not to talk about this safety as a prerequisite
Speaker 1: for vulnerability. Yeah, and so I can assure you that
Speaker 1: as a white woman, I have way more permission to
Speaker 1: be vulnerable than a black person any person of color.
Speaker 1: Privilege is real, and taking the armor off in this
Speaker 1: country for everyone is not safe. That's hugely important. Trauma
Speaker 1: kills vulnerability, whether that trauma is abuse or neglect, or racism,
Speaker 1: or poverty or homophobia. It makes vulnerability dangerous For me
Speaker 1: and my own personal experience, I've realized that I've had
Speaker 1: to learn how to create safety within If you could
Speaker 1: give just a little bit around how one can feel
Speaker 1: safe enough with themselves. This came up so much in
Speaker 1: our research on trust it kind of shocked me. What
Speaker 1: we know from the data is that when we experience
Speaker 1: a setback or failure or heartbreak, the first casualty of
Speaker 1: that is self trust. So we're like, I don't trust
Speaker 1: myself anymore to take care of myself to make the
Speaker 1: right decisions. I have a lot of that. Yeah, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's hard and the biggest threat to self trust is
Speaker 1: do I choose to betray myself over making someone else
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable or disappointed. So every time we choose ourselves,
Speaker 1: we have to stop and recognize it. Got it, Like
Speaker 1: I chose to take care of me right now, right,
Speaker 1: So you're saying every choice that you make and taking
Speaker 1: care of yourself slowly builds that internal self trust that
Speaker 1: makes all the sense and the word. But let me
Speaker 1: ask this though, it can if there ever a time
Speaker 1: where there's too much of that, because sometimes I think
Speaker 1: that you take on so much. Well, I think that's
Speaker 1: part of my codependency as well, because I don't want
Speaker 1: to burden anybody, right, you know, I'm I want to
Speaker 1: help everybody, but I damn sure don't want anybody to
Speaker 1: feel like they gotta help me. Right, So is it? Now?
Speaker 1: Let's talk about that because you just put your hand up.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about that for saying so is that or not?
Speaker 1: You do not want to talk about this? You do
Speaker 1: not want to talk about this? We should go on you.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna piss you off. You you should go the
Speaker 1: next topic. Next topic I'm gonna walk is all the
Speaker 1: way back to the uncomfortable part. All right, this is terrible.
Speaker 1: This is me. So I'm with you in the pain
Speaker 1: that's coming. So any strength out of whack can become
Speaker 1: a form of armor. Yeah, independence is great, but it's
Speaker 1: actually not neurobiologically how we're wired. We're actually wired for interdependence,
Speaker 1: not codependence, and not dependence, but interdependence. We need each other.
Speaker 1: We're not meant to do it alone. It's not how
Speaker 1: we're built. So the problem with the helpers, I'll just
Speaker 1: i'll talk about me is that if you can't receive
Speaker 1: help with an open heart, you're never really giving it
Speaker 1: with an open heart. So now I mean it is
Speaker 1: hard because what that means. So when I when that
Speaker 1: emerged from the data, I was like, f you, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm out, Like like this is just it does
Speaker 1: because what happens is I was like, that's not true,
Speaker 1: because I'm the world's best helper. I help everybody. Then
Speaker 1: what I realized was I absolutely attached value to being
Speaker 1: the helper. Absolutely think there's more value in being the
Speaker 1: helper than being the help. There used to be like,
Speaker 1: if I'm not helping, what value you? I ask that
Speaker 1: that was me? Why is that my problem? Too, that's me.
Speaker 1: That has been a self worth issue. That's a that's
Speaker 1: a self worth issue. And so then I started asking
Speaker 1: for help. I'm the oldest of four and so I'm
Speaker 1: the one that anything. Anybody needs anything, until I fell
Speaker 1: apart and then I couldn't do it and I had
Speaker 1: to ask for help. And then I realized, Wow, I'm
Speaker 1: surrounded by loving capable, more capable than me and some
Speaker 1: and then I started receiving help and realized that takes
Speaker 1: a lot more vulnerability. Well, I got to start working
Speaker 1: on that thing. Because I don't I don't ask for help.
Speaker 1: I will definitely say in my relationship. I have to
Speaker 1: say that Will has just he just refuses not to help.
Speaker 1: He's just like, I don't care. I'm gonna be there
Speaker 1: because you need me, even if you don't know it.
Speaker 1: I'm going to inject myself in this because you need me.
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, no, no, no, I got this. I
Speaker 1: don't want you to doing anything. He's like, yeah, okay, yep,
Speaker 1: I'll be right there. Let me let me just let
Speaker 1: me just bring Beau. Steve's the same way. Let me
Speaker 1: just bring on Piste off Part two. Raise your hand
Speaker 1: if you're perpetually piste off because they're not doing enough
Speaker 1: and you're but you're not asking for anything, but like
Speaker 1: you like, yeah, the resentment this is, this is I'm
Speaker 1: so scared to yea, before we go Renee, I've got
Speaker 1: two family members really quick that we're like, there is
Speaker 1: no way that you are gonna have bnet come on,
Speaker 1: and we can't ask some questions. They have been here
Speaker 1: quarantining with us. So it's my sister in law and
Speaker 1: my niece Jay Trish. You guys here, what's that lady?
Speaker 1: This is my niece Jade and this is my sister
Speaker 1: in law Trish. So honored to meet you, so so
Speaker 1: so honored. I just love how transparent you are. So
Speaker 1: you want to go first? Yes. So I am a
Speaker 1: wife and a mother of three, and my entire life
Speaker 1: has been spent catering to the needs of my entire
Speaker 1: family and friends and everyone around, and I feel like
Speaker 1: I've always put everybody else before myself, and so now
Speaker 1: i feel like I'm low key going into like a
Speaker 1: midlife crisis because I'm finally seeing and understanding how I
Speaker 1: have to put myself first. I feel guilty sometimes because
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm being selfish and neglecting other feelings
Speaker 1: of my family. The journey that you're talking about was
Speaker 1: the hardest work maybe that I've ever done in my life.
Speaker 1: I have to agree. And Carl Young has this really
Speaker 1: powerful quote, the greatest tragedy for a child is the
Speaker 1: unlived life of a parent. M H. And what you're
Speaker 1: trying to do right now is not going to be easy.
Speaker 1: The push fact is going to be real. Maybe less
Speaker 1: so from your your kids and your partner, but definitely
Speaker 1: the world around you, because the world around you is
Speaker 1: really benefiting from you. In this role of taking care
Speaker 1: of everything and everyone. We can't really give what we
Speaker 1: don't have. You've got to have a full, beautiful inner
Speaker 1: life that is for no one else but you in
Speaker 1: order to give to anyone else. And you've got to
Speaker 1: ask for what you need. And that is the biggest
Speaker 1: gifts you'll ever give your children is letting them observe
Speaker 1: your path to wholeness. And you're going to terrify some
Speaker 1: people with your own authenticity, but man, will you feel
Speaker 1: alive and you're in a journey towards wholeness. So don't
Speaker 1: look at it as selfishness. To see it as making
Speaker 1: yourself whole. Yeah, that's that's good, that you are great whole. Yeah,
Speaker 1: making yourself explanation because I want to make sure it's
Speaker 1: really there is no midlife crisis, right, It's a midlife
Speaker 1: unraveling that is real, and it's the universe grabbing us
Speaker 1: by the shoulders at midlife and saying, wake up. The
Speaker 1: gifts I gave to you are not being used, and
Speaker 1: not using these gifts is not benign. You will pay
Speaker 1: for it. That's real talk right there. That it's a
Speaker 1: universal shoulder shake, not the loving kind. I wanted to ask.
Speaker 1: You know, the pressure of social media, trying to just
Speaker 1: form this perfect person, you start to look at other
Speaker 1: people's relationships compared to each other. It's success, Like what
Speaker 1: are they doing that I'm not doing? What advice would
Speaker 1: you give to those millennials that are struggling secretly? M M,
Speaker 1: So I gotta tell you, And I know this is
Speaker 1: not popular. I'm a big fan of millennials and gin zers. Okay,
Speaker 1: what is there to be fans of? That's my question now,
Speaker 1: because I'm like, yeah, no, you know why we broke
Speaker 1: our contract with them? Right? As adults, we're raising a
Speaker 1: bunch of kids on active shooter drills. This is the
Speaker 1: first generation of people saying, oh, they actually don't know
Speaker 1: the grown ups don't know what they're doing. That's true.
Speaker 1: We're winging it, and so they're they're calling all kinds
Speaker 1: of stuff into question. And I don't like the whole
Speaker 1: millennials with this are overprotected because at the same time
Speaker 1: that's happening with some mostly white and wealthy kids, there's
Speaker 1: whole groups of millennials and gin zers who have been
Speaker 1: completely under served and underprotected. I think that's a dangerous swath.
Speaker 1: I think these are mostly just young adults saying we
Speaker 1: want something different and we don't really trust you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's so true. My response to that is, damn, y'all
Speaker 1: got good judgment is like, look outside, it's a dumpster fire,
Speaker 1: you know, look at the White House, look at the fires,
Speaker 1: look at the COVID And so I think for millennials
Speaker 1: they feel untethered. Yeah, ground yourself is what I would say.
Speaker 1: Ground yourself and reality check what you're doing. The cure
Speaker 1: to the instagramming and the I am highly triggered is
Speaker 1: plant your feet and find some purpose. Yeah, damn, you
Speaker 1: just plant your feet, find some purpose and let go
Speaker 1: of the notion that you are going to press into
Speaker 1: your purpose while pleasing people. That is not going to
Speaker 1: ever happen. Yep, we need to let kids experience adversity.
Speaker 1: Adversity made me strong. I'm tough as nails. Like Look,
Speaker 1: things go bad, we get into a street fight. You
Speaker 1: want me on your side, trust me, and I definitely
Speaker 1: want this table on my side. Yeah. So, adversity is
Speaker 1: helpful to build courage and stamina, but we don't need trauma.
Speaker 1: Trauma doesn't build tough people. Trauma sets people back. What
Speaker 1: we've got is a generation or two of kids that
Speaker 1: were raised with protection from adversity, but too much trauma
Speaker 1: and the Instagram stuff is just the symptom of not
Speaker 1: being grounded and what's real and what's important. Renee, I
Speaker 1: want you to know this family loved you before we
Speaker 1: had this conversation, but now we are utterly upset. You
Speaker 1: are amazing. We love you. Thank you so much. You
Speaker 1: have to invite me back to the Red Table. And
Speaker 1: when get back on plain are you kidding me? Moved out?
Speaker 1: Real talk? Thank you? Wow? That was about that was amazing. Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: we are so excited to bring you an all new
Speaker 1: Red Table Talk series with the iconic Queen Gloria Stefan.
Speaker 1: I promise you will love, love, love this new series.
Speaker 1: But so the energy here is very healey, and we've
Speaker 1: had a myriad of stars stay here, the Nero Share
Speaker 1: j Low, Oprah and your godfather Quincy Jones. And the
Speaker 1: ghost that lives here is famous too. This is my niece, Lily.
Speaker 1: She is Esta fun. This is my daughter Emily, and
Speaker 1: she is est fresh and I am Esta fierce. Everything
Speaker 1: is special about Red Table Talk via Stepans or Latina's Baby.
Speaker 1: Three different women, three different generations, three different opinions. We
Speaker 1: are so honest when we come to the table. Lilia Stefan,
Speaker 1: my niece, is a beloved Latin, a TV star, devoted
Speaker 1: mother of two, and she is fun fun funny. I
Speaker 1: hope we don't right, you will do it right. Who's
Speaker 1: the biggest drama Queen? I was bored with a drama?
Speaker 1: Emily A. Stefan, My daughter is a gifted musician. She's
Speaker 1: outspoken and a powerful voice of her generation. When I
Speaker 1: lay down the law, zip it, I'm Glara Stefan. I'm
Speaker 1: a performer. I've been married forty two years. I'm the
Speaker 1: mother of two, I have one grandson, five dogs, and
Speaker 1: I am a survivor. Thank you. We are proud to
Speaker 1: present Red Table Talk is Stephens Good Table. To join
Speaker 1: the red table Talk family and become a part of
Speaker 1: the conversation, follow us at facebook dot com slash red
Speaker 1: table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode of Red
Speaker 1: Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio, and
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio.