1 00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:08,995 Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Oldman is a production of I Heart Radio. 2 00:00:25,675 --> 00:00:28,875 Speaker 1: Judge Eileen Cannon of the U. S. District Court in 3 00:00:28,915 --> 00:00:32,835 Speaker 1: Florida is jeopardizing the nuclear balance of the world, to 4 00:00:32,915 --> 00:00:36,795 Speaker 1: say nothing of international peace, merely in order to fulfill 5 00:00:36,835 --> 00:00:40,955 Speaker 1: her undisguised petty corrupt payback to the Sack of Human 6 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:44,475 Speaker 1: Feces to whom she owes her job. She has given 7 00:00:44,475 --> 00:00:47,235 Speaker 1: the lawyers for that Sack of Human Feces until ten 8 00:00:47,275 --> 00:00:50,635 Speaker 1: a m. Eastern Monday to answer the Department of Justice 9 00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:54,395 Speaker 1: demand that she stay her order for a special master translation. 10 00:00:54,715 --> 00:00:57,115 Speaker 1: Stay here ordered that the rule of law, the rule 11 00:00:57,155 --> 00:00:59,475 Speaker 1: of common sense, and the urgent defense needs of a 12 00:00:59,555 --> 00:01:02,475 Speaker 1: nation do not apply to the Sack of Human Feces 13 00:01:02,635 --> 00:01:04,635 Speaker 1: who handed her the job for which she has now 14 00:01:04,715 --> 00:01:10,835 Speaker 1: proved herself professionally unqualified at ethically bankrupt. About the deadline 15 00:01:10,995 --> 00:01:14,635 Speaker 1: is nominally about Trump's lawyers Monday morning. It is in 16 00:01:14,715 --> 00:01:18,475 Speaker 1: reality a deadline for Eileen Cannon to save herself from 17 00:01:18,515 --> 00:01:22,395 Speaker 1: becoming a clear and present danger to the national defense 18 00:01:22,555 --> 00:01:27,355 Speaker 1: of this country. We know Trump stole and kept a 19 00:01:27,475 --> 00:01:31,795 Speaker 1: document detailing the nuclear capabilities of another nation, and that 20 00:01:31,875 --> 00:01:36,035 Speaker 1: this nation did not have this vitally essential document back 21 00:01:36,075 --> 00:01:39,875 Speaker 1: in its hands until a month ago. There are only 22 00:01:39,995 --> 00:01:44,515 Speaker 1: seven countries besides our own that have nuclear capabilities. Let's 23 00:01:44,515 --> 00:01:48,395 Speaker 1: call them what they are, nuclear weapons. It's only six 24 00:01:48,435 --> 00:01:51,395 Speaker 1: if you don't include Israel, which is never publicly confirmed it. 25 00:01:51,715 --> 00:01:55,635 Speaker 1: But whether six or seven, their governments are in turmoil now, 26 00:01:56,155 --> 00:01:59,035 Speaker 1: and the situation is as dangerous at this hour as 27 00:01:59,075 --> 00:02:02,595 Speaker 1: if an international agent had stolen that document in order 28 00:02:02,635 --> 00:02:05,395 Speaker 1: to sell it to yet another country, which could of 29 00:02:05,435 --> 00:02:10,195 Speaker 1: course be essentially what Trump did. Anyway, without using real 30 00:02:10,315 --> 00:02:14,395 Speaker 1: names to help you envision this as two enemy nations 31 00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:17,675 Speaker 1: being involved. That will make the danger so much more 32 00:02:17,915 --> 00:02:21,755 Speaker 1: clear for you. I think the document describes the nuclear 33 00:02:21,795 --> 00:02:25,555 Speaker 1: capabilities of one of the other seven nuclear countries. Let's 34 00:02:25,595 --> 00:02:29,875 Speaker 1: call that nation Disrael. I mean, it's just a name 35 00:02:29,955 --> 00:02:34,035 Speaker 1: chosen at random. If it's enemy, a nation without nuclear capabilities, 36 00:02:34,115 --> 00:02:38,675 Speaker 1: let's call that How do Arabia? Again, it's just a name, 37 00:02:38,755 --> 00:02:42,115 Speaker 1: just a random name. If they were to see that document, 38 00:02:42,155 --> 00:02:45,315 Speaker 1: how do Arabia could launch preemptive strikes or raids on 39 00:02:45,395 --> 00:02:50,315 Speaker 1: Disrael's nuclear capabilities, or just as plausibly, Disrael could simply 40 00:02:50,475 --> 00:02:52,835 Speaker 1: fear that its secrets had been seen by how do 41 00:02:52,955 --> 00:02:55,835 Speaker 1: Arabia and attack or raid? How do Arabia before how 42 00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:59,715 Speaker 1: do Arabia attacked or raated it? And all that would 43 00:02:59,755 --> 00:03:03,555 Speaker 1: require would be Trump having shown the recovered document to 44 00:03:04,875 --> 00:03:08,235 Speaker 1: almost anybody. Most directly, he could have just shown it 45 00:03:08,315 --> 00:03:11,755 Speaker 1: to how the Arabia himself, or perhaps a friend or 46 00:03:11,835 --> 00:03:17,155 Speaker 1: relative or Marilago caddy or Russian speaking spy posing as 47 00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:19,875 Speaker 1: annad Ross child could have seen it and told how 48 00:03:19,955 --> 00:03:23,315 Speaker 1: to Arabia. Why It's even hypothetically possible that one of 49 00:03:23,355 --> 00:03:26,235 Speaker 1: Trump's relatives could have shown it to how to Arabia, 50 00:03:26,475 --> 00:03:30,915 Speaker 1: a child, a cousin and in law, a son in law. 51 00:03:32,995 --> 00:03:36,435 Speaker 1: Each day, the Department of Justice and the Department of 52 00:03:36,475 --> 00:03:38,995 Speaker 1: Defense cannot be certain that there are not other little 53 00:03:39,075 --> 00:03:42,755 Speaker 1: nuclear capability documents that Trump stole and hid better than 54 00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:46,555 Speaker 1: he hid that one. The world is at risk. Maybe 55 00:03:46,595 --> 00:03:49,995 Speaker 1: there are other assessments of the military defenses, including its 56 00:03:50,035 --> 00:03:54,915 Speaker 1: nuclear capabilities. Of again, just picking names at random, Jackie 57 00:03:54,915 --> 00:04:01,555 Speaker 1: Stan or Windy A or Prance or the United Singdom 58 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:08,155 Speaker 1: or Cryna or Trussia or even East Korea. This is 59 00:04:08,195 --> 00:04:13,155 Speaker 1: what Judge Eileen Canon is risking now. It could be 60 00:04:14,075 --> 00:04:16,435 Speaker 1: that there are not any more documents to be found, 61 00:04:17,195 --> 00:04:20,275 Speaker 1: or that the international consequences of that one recovered nuclear 62 00:04:20,315 --> 00:04:26,035 Speaker 1: document have already been foreseen and precluded, or maybe not. Oops, 63 00:04:26,915 --> 00:04:29,595 Speaker 1: and when we look back at how World War three started, 64 00:04:29,595 --> 00:04:31,995 Speaker 1: the survivors will stand around shaking their heads in the 65 00:04:32,075 --> 00:04:39,595 Speaker 1: MUCKs sadly and say, Eileen Canon, the documents recovered, plus 66 00:04:39,635 --> 00:04:42,195 Speaker 1: that little wild card of the very realistic chance of 67 00:04:42,235 --> 00:04:45,635 Speaker 1: documents unrecovered. The d o J emphasized this in its 68 00:04:45,675 --> 00:04:50,835 Speaker 1: failing to Judge Cannon last night. The documents recovered are 69 00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:53,875 Speaker 1: so top secrets, so tightly guarded that many senior American 70 00:04:53,955 --> 00:04:57,755 Speaker 1: national security officials not only don't get to see them, 71 00:04:57,795 --> 00:05:02,555 Speaker 1: but don't know they exist. And this buffoon Canon wants 72 00:05:02,595 --> 00:05:06,275 Speaker 1: to find a special master to read through all of 73 00:05:06,315 --> 00:05:10,115 Speaker 1: these documents that don't exist and decide if maybe they 74 00:05:10,115 --> 00:05:12,955 Speaker 1: belong to Trump. After all, where would you find a 75 00:05:13,035 --> 00:05:16,555 Speaker 1: special master cleared to do something like that. I understand 76 00:05:16,555 --> 00:05:18,675 Speaker 1: there's a good man in New York here who might 77 00:05:18,675 --> 00:05:20,115 Speaker 1: be able to handle this. I think his name is 78 00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:26,555 Speaker 1: Karen Joshner. Judge Cannon has one opportunity to correct her 79 00:05:26,635 --> 00:05:31,795 Speaker 1: disaster of almost literally biblical proportions. She should stay her order. 80 00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:34,795 Speaker 1: Failing that, the d o J should, as it warned 81 00:05:34,875 --> 00:05:38,195 Speaker 1: last night, appeal to the Eleventh Circuit by September. And 82 00:05:38,275 --> 00:05:41,235 Speaker 1: if that two fails, bluntly, the d o J and 83 00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:44,995 Speaker 1: the Pentagon should ignore the Trump prostitutes on both benches 84 00:05:45,315 --> 00:05:48,275 Speaker 1: and act as it needs to act in the national defense. 85 00:05:49,035 --> 00:05:53,315 Speaker 1: And let's not again hear from any of these douchebag 86 00:05:53,475 --> 00:05:58,675 Speaker 1: Republicans about how the search of Trump's home, which successfully 87 00:05:58,715 --> 00:06:03,515 Speaker 1: recovered nuclear secrets Trump's soul. Let's not hear again, ever, 88 00:06:03,835 --> 00:06:07,435 Speaker 1: about how that rep presents politicizing the Department of Justice. 89 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,395 Speaker 1: Jeffrey Berman, the Trump appointee who ran the U. S. 90 00:06:11,435 --> 00:06:15,315 Speaker 1: Attorney's Office for the Southern District of New York, details 91 00:06:15,355 --> 00:06:20,275 Speaker 1: in extraordinary length how Trump and then Attorney General bar 92 00:06:21,075 --> 00:06:26,475 Speaker 1: pressured him and his colleagues on three separate occasions to 93 00:06:26,715 --> 00:06:34,915 Speaker 1: launch a prosecution of John Kerry because John Kerry negotiated 94 00:06:34,955 --> 00:06:38,795 Speaker 1: the Iran nuclear deal and after Trump sabotage the Iran 95 00:06:38,915 --> 00:06:43,755 Speaker 1: nuclear deal, John Kerry publicly defended the Iran nuclear deal. 96 00:06:44,235 --> 00:06:48,835 Speaker 1: Send carry to jail for Hatch Act violations, or as 97 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:52,075 Speaker 1: Berman rites, they were asking us, basically, what's taking so long? 98 00:06:52,115 --> 00:06:55,275 Speaker 1: Why aren't you going harder and faster? At this enemy 99 00:06:55,395 --> 00:07:00,075 Speaker 1: of the President. Periodically, the thought enters my mind that 100 00:07:00,155 --> 00:07:03,675 Speaker 1: after his conviction, Trump should be imprisoned in the full 101 00:07:03,795 --> 00:07:09,275 Speaker 1: Hannibal lector output and outfit only on an isolated rock 102 00:07:09,755 --> 00:07:17,795 Speaker 1: outcropping deep somewhere in the Atlantic, above or below water. Meanwhile, 103 00:07:18,395 --> 00:07:21,035 Speaker 1: there is a new grand jury going in Washington. It 104 00:07:21,155 --> 00:07:24,875 Speaker 1: is looking at Trump's Save America pack, which was nominally 105 00:07:24,915 --> 00:07:28,515 Speaker 1: created to support his legal challenges to the election. But 106 00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:31,075 Speaker 1: if you remember this from the video series I Did 107 00:07:31,115 --> 00:07:34,515 Speaker 1: That Fall, the fine print read it did not require 108 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:38,475 Speaker 1: Trump to spend any money on anything but himself. There 109 00:07:38,515 --> 00:07:42,435 Speaker 1: are already subpoenas sent to quote junior and mid level 110 00:07:42,475 --> 00:07:44,435 Speaker 1: aids who worked in the White House and for Mr 111 00:07:44,435 --> 00:07:47,755 Speaker 1: Trump's presidential campaign that according to the New York Times. 112 00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:55,475 Speaker 1: And lastly, there is some comic relief America's rasputant. Only 113 00:07:55,595 --> 00:08:00,835 Speaker 1: more unkempt Steve Bannon. He has indeed been charged by 114 00:08:00,835 --> 00:08:03,755 Speaker 1: the Manhattan District Attorney with emptying the till of the 115 00:08:03,795 --> 00:08:08,355 Speaker 1: imaginary charity designed to build the imaginary wall to keep 116 00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:13,075 Speaker 1: out the imaginary invasion. Bannon now faces two felony accounts 117 00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:16,795 Speaker 1: of money laundering, two felony accounts of conspiracy and one 118 00:08:16,835 --> 00:08:20,355 Speaker 1: felony account of a scheme to defraud. They did not 119 00:08:20,515 --> 00:08:23,835 Speaker 1: charge him about the haircut. And just in case you 120 00:08:23,915 --> 00:08:28,715 Speaker 1: missed his written version of this from Wednesday night, I 121 00:08:28,755 --> 00:08:30,715 Speaker 1: am never going to stop fighting. In fact, I have 122 00:08:30,795 --> 00:08:32,995 Speaker 1: not yet begun to fight. They will have to kill 123 00:08:33,035 --> 00:08:37,755 Speaker 1: me first, he repeated the highlights during his purp walk. 124 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:42,275 Speaker 1: And yes, we need an entire screaming network that just 125 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,835 Speaker 1: shows this twenty seconds or so a video of Bannon 126 00:08:47,355 --> 00:08:55,795 Speaker 1: again and again and again and again. This is what 127 00:08:55,955 --> 00:09:00,755 Speaker 1: happens the last day. They will never shut out off 128 00:09:00,795 --> 00:09:04,595 Speaker 1: and kill me first. I have not yet begun to fight. 129 00:09:05,515 --> 00:09:12,635 Speaker 1: Again and again and again and again once more. Yeah, 130 00:09:12,715 --> 00:09:20,635 Speaker 1: why not? This is what happens the last day. They 131 00:09:21,355 --> 00:09:25,155 Speaker 1: they will never shut off and kill me first. I 132 00:09:25,195 --> 00:09:29,075 Speaker 1: have not yet begun to fight. Like I said yesterday, dude, 133 00:09:29,195 --> 00:09:31,995 Speaker 1: they'll have to kill me first. Seems a little harsh, 134 00:09:32,555 --> 00:09:44,755 Speaker 1: but if you say so, still ahead on countdown. As 135 00:09:44,795 --> 00:09:47,875 Speaker 1: if you had not heard. Queen Elizabeth the Second died yesterday. 136 00:09:47,915 --> 00:09:51,315 Speaker 1: If you hate imperialism and you hate monarchy, it was 137 00:09:51,355 --> 00:09:55,035 Speaker 1: still okay to like her, because she really seemed cool 138 00:09:55,035 --> 00:09:58,315 Speaker 1: with all that too. The worst persons on the other hand, 139 00:09:58,395 --> 00:10:01,355 Speaker 1: some of the attempts to console the grieving British populace 140 00:10:01,915 --> 00:10:05,795 Speaker 1: did not go very well. Wrong day for any tweet 141 00:10:05,835 --> 00:10:09,395 Speaker 1: showing any photo of London alongside the phrase there's a 142 00:10:09,475 --> 00:10:13,075 Speaker 1: new king in town. And in sports Baseball is going 143 00:10:13,115 --> 00:10:17,235 Speaker 1: to ban the shift because the problem is not incompetent 144 00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:19,955 Speaker 1: or lazy hitters who only know how to hit home runs. 145 00:10:20,195 --> 00:10:24,435 Speaker 1: It's defensive strategy that has been used almost continuously in 146 00:10:24,475 --> 00:10:30,795 Speaker 1: Major League Baseball since eighteen freaking seventy four. That's next. 147 00:10:30,995 --> 00:10:52,915 Speaker 1: This is countdown. This is Countdown with Keith and still 148 00:10:52,955 --> 00:10:58,515 Speaker 1: ahead on Countdown Thurber's fables, baseballs shifts, my confusions about 149 00:10:58,595 --> 00:11:04,355 Speaker 1: what day it is today, all part of Life's rich pageant. First, 150 00:11:04,355 --> 00:11:06,475 Speaker 1: in each edition of Countdown, we feature a dog in 151 00:11:06,555 --> 00:11:09,315 Speaker 1: need whom you can help. Every dog has its day 152 00:11:09,355 --> 00:11:13,555 Speaker 1: to Miami and Pumpkin, for whom Paul Patrol Animal Rescue 153 00:11:13,595 --> 00:11:17,235 Speaker 1: there and Sanctuary is doing a fundraiser on Cuddly. They 154 00:11:17,235 --> 00:11:19,195 Speaker 1: can't be sure of this, of course, but it sure 155 00:11:19,235 --> 00:11:25,435 Speaker 1: looks like Pumpkins quote human decided to dispose of him 156 00:11:25,555 --> 00:11:28,955 Speaker 1: by throwing him in a canal. Somehow, this guy who 157 00:11:29,035 --> 00:11:30,875 Speaker 1: looks like a standard hound with a bit of a 158 00:11:30,915 --> 00:11:34,195 Speaker 1: beagle look to him. Survived, made it to sure, was 159 00:11:34,275 --> 00:11:38,035 Speaker 1: rescued and then collapsed in the Good Samaritan's arms. That's 160 00:11:38,035 --> 00:11:40,875 Speaker 1: when they discovered a back leg was terribly broken as well. 161 00:11:41,435 --> 00:11:43,395 Speaker 1: He's not eating. He needs a lot of help. If 162 00:11:43,395 --> 00:11:46,555 Speaker 1: you want to donate, you can find Pumpkins fundraiser on 163 00:11:46,595 --> 00:11:49,275 Speaker 1: the Cuddley website or just look for my tweet about 164 00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:53,115 Speaker 1: Pumpkin on my account for Dogs in Need at tom 165 00:11:53,195 --> 00:12:10,315 Speaker 1: Jumbo Grumbo and thank you very much. Coming up and 166 00:12:10,435 --> 00:12:13,595 Speaker 1: countdown this maybe the day baseball gets rid of the shift. 167 00:12:14,075 --> 00:12:17,595 Speaker 1: You'll be sorry. And when not to tweet that photo 168 00:12:17,635 --> 00:12:21,115 Speaker 1: of Garfield leaning against a London landmark with the caption 169 00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:26,195 Speaker 1: there's a new king in town coming up. First postscripts 170 00:12:26,235 --> 00:12:29,115 Speaker 1: to the news, some headlines, some thoughts and some snark. 171 00:12:35,395 --> 00:12:39,155 Speaker 1: Dateline Balmoral, Scotland. Imagine starting a new job today and 172 00:12:39,235 --> 00:12:42,595 Speaker 1: staying on it until the afternoon of Saturday, April eleventh, 173 00:12:42,835 --> 00:12:50,115 Speaker 1: two thousand and nine, three thousand and eighty two days. 174 00:12:50,195 --> 00:12:54,475 Speaker 1: That is how long Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor was Queen 175 00:12:54,515 --> 00:12:57,915 Speaker 1: of England. She died twenty five years to the day 176 00:12:58,475 --> 00:13:01,395 Speaker 1: after the Spencer family collected all the flowers left by 177 00:13:01,395 --> 00:13:05,955 Speaker 1: the public and arranged those flowers atop Diana's grave. You 178 00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,635 Speaker 1: do not have to advocate for monarchy. I don't think 179 00:13:08,635 --> 00:13:12,475 Speaker 1: constitutional or otherwise, and I don't to be awe struck 180 00:13:12,595 --> 00:13:16,315 Speaker 1: at Queen Elizabeth's longevity, nor to appreciate what she meant 181 00:13:16,355 --> 00:13:19,595 Speaker 1: to her nation and around the world. There are millions 182 00:13:19,595 --> 00:13:22,195 Speaker 1: of words being spent to try to process her life 183 00:13:22,475 --> 00:13:25,475 Speaker 1: and her loss, and yet I think there's a simpler way. 184 00:13:25,755 --> 00:13:31,715 Speaker 1: The United Kingdom and the world simultaneously grieved yesterday and smiled, 185 00:13:32,555 --> 00:13:36,675 Speaker 1: smiled at the last Paddington Bear video, which one suspects 186 00:13:36,675 --> 00:13:40,355 Speaker 1: will still be shown on Saturday, April eleventh, two thousand 187 00:13:40,555 --> 00:13:45,315 Speaker 1: ninety three, and felt free to laugh at the Reggie 188 00:13:45,435 --> 00:13:49,235 Speaker 1: Jackson and Custody joke, and Reggie Jackson's tweet about being 189 00:13:49,235 --> 00:13:52,275 Speaker 1: innocent after all, and the gallows humor about the new 190 00:13:52,275 --> 00:13:55,555 Speaker 1: Prime Minister Liz Trust knocking her off on day one. 191 00:13:56,115 --> 00:13:59,515 Speaker 1: But I think it's always been like this, this extraordinary 192 00:13:59,595 --> 00:14:03,515 Speaker 1: balance between reverence and gentle mockery. I did an impression 193 00:14:03,515 --> 00:14:07,595 Speaker 1: of the Queen's voice on a radio commercial in college 194 00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:11,475 Speaker 1: for a place called Commons Clothing, and it ended with 195 00:14:11,515 --> 00:14:15,955 Speaker 1: my friends saying my liege, and I said Neil, and 196 00:14:16,035 --> 00:14:19,035 Speaker 1: he said, my name is Philip. And I don't recall 197 00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:22,475 Speaker 1: anybody taking offense, or even any of us thinking offense 198 00:14:22,555 --> 00:14:26,755 Speaker 1: was meant. And that was in There is an ancient 199 00:14:26,915 --> 00:14:30,435 Speaker 1: Monty python joke that I think sums it up. An 200 00:14:30,475 --> 00:14:34,715 Speaker 1: Australian character says it's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum, 201 00:14:34,755 --> 00:14:38,235 Speaker 1: and another Australian says, that's a strange expression, Bruce, and 202 00:14:38,275 --> 00:14:41,035 Speaker 1: Bruce says, I heard the Prime Minister use it. It's 203 00:14:41,035 --> 00:14:43,635 Speaker 1: hot enough in here to boil a monkey's bumb, Your majesty, 204 00:14:43,715 --> 00:14:47,835 Speaker 1: he said, And she smiled quietly to herself, And the 205 00:14:47,875 --> 00:14:51,195 Speaker 1: other guy says, she's a good Sheila, Bruce, and not 206 00:14:51,275 --> 00:14:54,795 Speaker 1: at all stuck up slowly, as it seems. That was 207 00:14:54,915 --> 00:14:58,755 Speaker 1: kind of the point. Unlike her father, unlike her grandfather, 208 00:14:58,795 --> 00:15:01,475 Speaker 1: and like her great grandfather, and certainly unlike her great 209 00:15:01,475 --> 00:15:05,755 Speaker 1: great grandmother Victoria, she adroitly walked this tight rope. Sure 210 00:15:05,795 --> 00:15:08,475 Speaker 1: she was the queen, and you could take her and 211 00:15:08,515 --> 00:15:10,915 Speaker 1: the whole crazy premise of their being a queen as 212 00:15:10,915 --> 00:15:15,155 Speaker 1: seriously as you wanted or as un seriously. She was 213 00:15:15,195 --> 00:15:17,635 Speaker 1: fine with it either way. She was a good queen 214 00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:21,075 Speaker 1: and not at all stuck up. And there was the 215 00:15:21,115 --> 00:15:26,195 Speaker 1: extraordinary recounting of meeting the Queen under trying circumstances shared 216 00:15:26,235 --> 00:15:29,635 Speaker 1: by the trauma surgeon David Not himself at the time, 217 00:15:29,715 --> 00:15:33,635 Speaker 1: just back from working under terrifying circumstances in devastated Aleppo 218 00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:38,635 Speaker 1: in Syria about a decade ago, Dr Not wrote, my 219 00:15:38,675 --> 00:15:41,235 Speaker 1: bottom lips started to go and all I wanted to 220 00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:44,355 Speaker 1: do was burst into tears. But I held myself together 221 00:15:44,395 --> 00:15:46,795 Speaker 1: as best I could. I hoped she wouldn't ask me 222 00:15:46,915 --> 00:15:50,475 Speaker 1: another question about Aleppo. I knew if she did, I 223 00:15:50,515 --> 00:15:53,955 Speaker 1: would completely lose control. She looked at me quizzically and 224 00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,755 Speaker 1: touched my hand. She then had a quiet word with 225 00:15:56,795 --> 00:16:00,115 Speaker 1: one of the courtiers, who pointed to a silver box 226 00:16:00,115 --> 00:16:02,835 Speaker 1: in front of her. I watched as she opened the box, 227 00:16:02,835 --> 00:16:07,315 Speaker 1: which was full of bis. It's these are for the dogs, 228 00:16:07,355 --> 00:16:09,795 Speaker 1: she said, breaking one of the biscuits into and giving 229 00:16:09,795 --> 00:16:13,195 Speaker 1: me half. We fed the biscuits to the corgis under 230 00:16:13,235 --> 00:16:15,395 Speaker 1: the table, and for the rest of the lunch, she 231 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,075 Speaker 1: took the lead and chanted about her dogs, how many 232 00:16:18,155 --> 00:16:20,195 Speaker 1: she had, what their names were, how old they were. 233 00:16:20,635 --> 00:16:24,035 Speaker 1: All the while we were stroking and petting them, and 234 00:16:24,155 --> 00:16:28,875 Speaker 1: my anxiety and distress drained away there. The Queen said, 235 00:16:29,395 --> 00:16:34,235 Speaker 1: that's so much better than talking, isn't it. There is 236 00:16:34,275 --> 00:16:38,915 Speaker 1: always something extraordinary also about the other obituary at times 237 00:16:38,955 --> 00:16:42,955 Speaker 1: like this. Fara Fawcett died the same day as Michael 238 00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:47,675 Speaker 1: Jackson died, and Bernard Shaw died the same day, or 239 00:16:47,675 --> 00:16:50,155 Speaker 1: at least his death was announced the same day as 240 00:16:50,195 --> 00:16:53,675 Speaker 1: that of Queen Elizabeth. Bernard Shaw retired twenty years ago 241 00:16:53,675 --> 00:16:56,955 Speaker 1: from CNN made periodic appearances after that point, but had 242 00:16:56,995 --> 00:17:00,955 Speaker 1: removed himself from media, once saying he regretted how much 243 00:17:01,075 --> 00:17:03,155 Speaker 1: his career cost him in the way of home life, 244 00:17:04,155 --> 00:17:06,355 Speaker 1: and do not misunderstand me here. He was one of 245 00:17:06,395 --> 00:17:11,555 Speaker 1: the rocks upon which CNN was founded and grew to importance. 246 00:17:12,075 --> 00:17:14,995 Speaker 1: He gave it credibility when it had almost none. I know, 247 00:17:15,195 --> 00:17:19,035 Speaker 1: I was there. Shaw's worked from Baghdad as the American 248 00:17:19,075 --> 00:17:23,075 Speaker 1: bombing of Iraq began in January, alongside my friends John 249 00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:26,875 Speaker 1: Holloman and Peter Arnett. By itself gave CNN a credibility 250 00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:29,675 Speaker 1: it had struggled to find for its first decade. Although 251 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,435 Speaker 1: I always liked to take an occasion like this to 252 00:17:31,515 --> 00:17:34,635 Speaker 1: underscore how important John Holloman really was in the formative 253 00:17:34,675 --> 00:17:37,835 Speaker 1: years of CNN. In fact, it was he who managed 254 00:17:37,875 --> 00:17:40,435 Speaker 1: to put the three of them back on from Baghdad 255 00:17:40,475 --> 00:17:45,755 Speaker 1: after all communication had seemingly failed. John was a lovely, calm, funny, 256 00:17:46,875 --> 00:17:51,035 Speaker 1: astute repertorial man taken from the world in a car accident. 257 00:17:53,235 --> 00:17:55,955 Speaker 1: Bernard Shaw was also the anchor of CNN's first newscast 258 00:17:55,995 --> 00:17:59,635 Speaker 1: of record, Prime News. When I broke in at CNN 259 00:17:59,715 --> 00:18:02,395 Speaker 1: nine one through four, I spent about a third of 260 00:18:02,395 --> 00:18:05,715 Speaker 1: my time working from the Washington bureau of CNN, often 261 00:18:05,715 --> 00:18:08,595 Speaker 1: four weeks at a time. And I'm sorry to say 262 00:18:08,635 --> 00:18:11,195 Speaker 1: this under these circumstances, but I never saw Bernie Shaw 263 00:18:11,275 --> 00:18:14,555 Speaker 1: being nice to anybody. It's an awful thing to say, 264 00:18:14,595 --> 00:18:17,235 Speaker 1: but it's true. I know when I'm gone, a lot 265 00:18:17,275 --> 00:18:18,715 Speaker 1: of people will say it wasn't nice to me, but 266 00:18:18,755 --> 00:18:20,355 Speaker 1: there will be others who said, no, it was nice 267 00:18:20,395 --> 00:18:24,635 Speaker 1: to me. The newscast that Bernie Shaw did was done 268 00:18:24,715 --> 00:18:27,035 Speaker 1: in the newsroom, in the middle of all the desks. 269 00:18:27,515 --> 00:18:29,755 Speaker 1: Every person there at every desk, and there had to 270 00:18:29,755 --> 00:18:32,835 Speaker 1: have been forty of them right around the anchor desk, 271 00:18:33,475 --> 00:18:36,075 Speaker 1: every one of us on a deadline of some sorts. 272 00:18:36,835 --> 00:18:41,115 Speaker 1: All I remember about Bernard Shaw from literally a hundred 273 00:18:41,235 --> 00:18:44,115 Speaker 1: days or more in that newsroom while he was on 274 00:18:44,155 --> 00:18:47,435 Speaker 1: the air, was the studio lights coming up and Bernard 275 00:18:47,475 --> 00:18:55,395 Speaker 1: Shaw shouting typewriters like that every time, and everybody there, 276 00:18:55,515 --> 00:18:58,635 Speaker 1: no matter how important their task or how pressing their deadline, 277 00:18:59,275 --> 00:19:04,475 Speaker 1: stopping their typewriting, except me, of course, I didn't work 278 00:19:04,475 --> 00:19:08,715 Speaker 1: for him. There is also no sugarcoating this. It was 279 00:19:08,755 --> 00:19:11,075 Speaker 1: Bernie Shaw, as one of the panelists in the second 280 00:19:11,915 --> 00:19:15,515 Speaker 1: presidential debate between George H. W. Bush and Michael Ducacus, 281 00:19:15,635 --> 00:19:19,035 Speaker 1: who began that debate by asking Michael Dupacus Dacacus, a 282 00:19:19,115 --> 00:19:23,635 Speaker 1: staunch opponent of capital punishment, about his wife, as the 283 00:19:23,675 --> 00:19:27,715 Speaker 1: opening question. This is what Bernie Shaw said. The first 284 00:19:27,795 --> 00:19:31,355 Speaker 1: question goes to Governor Ducacus, you have two minutes to respond, Governor, 285 00:19:31,715 --> 00:19:35,115 Speaker 1: if Kitty Ducacus were raped and murdered, would you favor 286 00:19:35,155 --> 00:19:40,555 Speaker 1: an irrevocable death penalty for the killer. There must have 287 00:19:40,595 --> 00:19:43,035 Speaker 1: been a reason for Bernard Shaw to frame that question 288 00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:47,035 Speaker 1: in such a way to make another man hypothesize about 289 00:19:47,115 --> 00:19:51,275 Speaker 1: the rape and murder of his own wife live in 290 00:19:51,355 --> 00:19:56,395 Speaker 1: public on television in a presidential debate. There must have 291 00:19:56,475 --> 00:20:00,435 Speaker 1: been a reason to frame it that way, but I've 292 00:20:00,435 --> 00:20:04,355 Speaker 1: been thinking about it pretty much NonStop since, and I 293 00:20:04,395 --> 00:20:09,315 Speaker 1: will damned if I ever figure out what that reason was. 294 00:20:22,155 --> 00:20:29,555 Speaker 1: This is SportsCenter. Wait, check that, not anymore. This is 295 00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:35,955 Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Olberman in sports. ESPN is reporting that 296 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:39,915 Speaker 1: Major League Baseball's Competition Committee will vote today on a 297 00:20:39,915 --> 00:20:42,195 Speaker 1: bunch of rules changes, some of them logical, some of 298 00:20:42,235 --> 00:20:44,675 Speaker 1: them childish and stupid, but all of them, per Jesse 299 00:20:44,875 --> 00:20:48,395 Speaker 1: Rodgers of ESPN, expected to pass and go into use 300 00:20:48,475 --> 00:20:52,115 Speaker 1: next season. There will be a pitch clock fifteen seconds 301 00:20:52,155 --> 00:20:55,475 Speaker 1: with the basis empty, twenty seconds with runners on. Also, 302 00:20:55,595 --> 00:20:58,755 Speaker 1: pitchers can only get off the pitching rubber twice per 303 00:20:58,795 --> 00:21:02,155 Speaker 1: opposition at bat. The penalty for all this will be 304 00:21:02,155 --> 00:21:05,235 Speaker 1: an automatic ball will be called again. It's the picture. 305 00:21:06,155 --> 00:21:08,515 Speaker 1: I'm in favor of these rules, but I need to 306 00:21:08,555 --> 00:21:11,195 Speaker 1: prepare you for this, and you better start thinking about 307 00:21:11,195 --> 00:21:15,595 Speaker 1: this every day between now an opening day. Every time 308 00:21:16,475 --> 00:21:20,235 Speaker 1: Baseball has ever tried to regulate pictures to get them 309 00:21:20,235 --> 00:21:23,555 Speaker 1: to do something they did not want to do, nor 310 00:21:23,635 --> 00:21:26,835 Speaker 1: we're not used to. And pictures are like race horses. 311 00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:29,115 Speaker 1: If there's a guy in the wrong seat in the 312 00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:32,115 Speaker 1: back of the stands, a picture can come completely apart 313 00:21:32,155 --> 00:21:35,915 Speaker 1: at the seams. Usually in the past, baseball has tried 314 00:21:35,955 --> 00:21:41,475 Speaker 1: to change the bulk rule infamously in nine Each year 315 00:21:41,515 --> 00:21:45,515 Speaker 1: the game ground to a halt. Dozens and dozens of 316 00:21:45,635 --> 00:21:49,595 Speaker 1: balks were called. Sometimes it seemed as if that was 317 00:21:49,595 --> 00:21:52,355 Speaker 1: all that was going on in the game, balk after 318 00:21:52,475 --> 00:21:57,475 Speaker 1: balk after balk. Also for next year, hitters must be 319 00:21:57,475 --> 00:21:59,595 Speaker 1: in the batter's box with eight seconds to go on 320 00:21:59,635 --> 00:22:02,315 Speaker 1: this twenty second or fifteen second clock, or it's an 321 00:22:02,315 --> 00:22:05,475 Speaker 1: automatic strike, and I'm sure they will take that real 322 00:22:05,515 --> 00:22:10,515 Speaker 1: well too. April in short, will be chaos. I predict 323 00:22:10,555 --> 00:22:12,675 Speaker 1: there will be at least one game that ends in 324 00:22:12,715 --> 00:22:16,315 Speaker 1: a double no hitter with nothing but strikeouts and walks. 325 00:22:17,315 --> 00:22:21,035 Speaker 1: They will enlarge the bases from fifteen inches square to eighteen, 326 00:22:21,595 --> 00:22:25,995 Speaker 1: which is really just a safety issue. They will now 327 00:22:26,075 --> 00:22:41,435 Speaker 1: make stealing second base much safer. Thank you, Nancy Faust. 328 00:22:41,995 --> 00:22:45,155 Speaker 1: Why don't we steal away into the eighteen inch base. 329 00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:47,875 Speaker 1: All they have to do now is to make the 330 00:22:47,875 --> 00:22:50,435 Speaker 1: bases soft again, rather than what they are now, which 331 00:22:50,475 --> 00:22:54,275 Speaker 1: is slicker than raked sand on a wet day. But 332 00:22:54,395 --> 00:22:57,195 Speaker 1: the dumb one of all these rule changes two infielders 333 00:22:57,275 --> 00:22:59,875 Speaker 1: must be on either side of second base, all of 334 00:22:59,875 --> 00:23:03,435 Speaker 1: them on the infield dirt on inner grass. Two infielders 335 00:23:03,435 --> 00:23:06,435 Speaker 1: on the left side to infielders on the right side. 336 00:23:06,475 --> 00:23:09,675 Speaker 1: None of these three guys on one side shift, though 337 00:23:10,195 --> 00:23:13,595 Speaker 1: apparently infielders can back up once the pitch is thrown, 338 00:23:14,195 --> 00:23:19,235 Speaker 1: this is idiotic. The first infield shift in Major League 339 00:23:19,235 --> 00:23:23,875 Speaker 1: baseball were used in eighteen seventy four. They have been 340 00:23:23,995 --> 00:23:29,195 Speaker 1: used against Ted Williams. They have been used against Willie McCovey. 341 00:23:29,475 --> 00:23:34,115 Speaker 1: The whole point of the game was expressed once by 342 00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:38,355 Speaker 1: a Hall of Famer named we Willie Keeler hit them 343 00:23:38,475 --> 00:23:46,435 Speaker 1: baseballs where they fielders ain't. If shifting had never been permitted, 344 00:23:46,475 --> 00:23:49,115 Speaker 1: the first, second, and third baseman would still all be 345 00:23:49,195 --> 00:23:52,435 Speaker 1: playing where custom had them playing in the year eighteen 346 00:23:52,595 --> 00:23:57,635 Speaker 1: seventy standing on first base, second base, and third base 347 00:23:57,715 --> 00:24:02,035 Speaker 1: as hit after hit rocketed past them and they remained 348 00:24:02,075 --> 00:24:07,475 Speaker 1: anchored and immobile, and the shortstop well. Without shifting, the 349 00:24:07,475 --> 00:24:10,315 Speaker 1: shortstop would still be playing out in short left center 350 00:24:10,395 --> 00:24:14,435 Speaker 1: field or right center field, because the shortstop was originally 351 00:24:14,435 --> 00:24:17,515 Speaker 1: not the twin of the second baseman. The short stop 352 00:24:18,875 --> 00:24:22,115 Speaker 1: was a guy who went roving between the infield and outfield, 353 00:24:22,115 --> 00:24:25,355 Speaker 1: hence the use of the term short in his name. 354 00:24:26,515 --> 00:24:30,475 Speaker 1: But we have to eliminate shifting now because hitters are 355 00:24:30,595 --> 00:24:34,115 Speaker 1: too stupid to learn how to hit anywhere except out 356 00:24:34,115 --> 00:24:37,755 Speaker 1: of the ballpark. One other sports note, there is a 357 00:24:37,795 --> 00:24:40,435 Speaker 1: site called clutch Points, and it has an app, And 358 00:24:40,435 --> 00:24:43,395 Speaker 1: the app has a Twitter account, and yes, shortly after 359 00:24:43,435 --> 00:24:45,635 Speaker 1: the death of Queen Elizabeth, it tweeted out to its 360 00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:49,955 Speaker 1: eight thousand followers. Buckingham Palace has announced that Queen Elizabeth 361 00:24:49,995 --> 00:24:54,035 Speaker 1: the Second has passed away at age. Our sincerest condolences 362 00:24:54,115 --> 00:24:58,115 Speaker 1: to the Royal family through this tough time. Fine, a 363 00:24:58,155 --> 00:25:03,995 Speaker 1: little clunky, but fine. However, beneath this admirable sentiment was 364 00:25:04,035 --> 00:25:09,555 Speaker 1: an Illustrate action labeled Queen's Final Farewell, which depicts her 365 00:25:10,155 --> 00:25:14,155 Speaker 1: ascending stairs made out of clouds, to some sort of 366 00:25:14,355 --> 00:25:17,635 Speaker 1: golden house or something at the top and taking one 367 00:25:17,835 --> 00:25:24,915 Speaker 1: last look at great British athletes like David Beckham, Loal 368 00:25:25,115 --> 00:25:29,635 Speaker 1: dang O g and Anobi, a boxer might be Anthony 369 00:25:29,715 --> 00:25:34,035 Speaker 1: Joseph doesn't look like him and several other athletes that 370 00:25:34,075 --> 00:25:38,915 Speaker 1: they deleted it. However, I must say this, whoever made 371 00:25:38,955 --> 00:25:43,955 Speaker 1: this rather intricate thing The look on Queen Elizabeth's face 372 00:25:44,715 --> 00:25:48,315 Speaker 1: is exactly the same as the look on Burt Lancaster's 373 00:25:48,355 --> 00:25:51,515 Speaker 1: face in Field of Dreams as he walks off into 374 00:25:51,555 --> 00:26:08,075 Speaker 1: the corn. Still ahead Fridays with James Thurber, and we 375 00:26:08,115 --> 00:26:12,035 Speaker 1: will bring you some of his incomparable fables. First, the 376 00:26:12,075 --> 00:26:14,835 Speaker 1: daily roundup of the misgrants, morons and dunning Kruger effect 377 00:26:14,875 --> 00:26:19,955 Speaker 1: specimens who constitute today's worst persons in the world. The 378 00:26:20,035 --> 00:26:26,435 Speaker 1: silver mel me again my recounting of the inexplicable fact 379 00:26:26,475 --> 00:26:29,355 Speaker 1: that not Trump nor his defenders had denied that he 380 00:26:29,435 --> 00:26:32,595 Speaker 1: stole a document describing the nuclear capabilities of another country, 381 00:26:33,155 --> 00:26:37,275 Speaker 1: which I provided in Thursday's episode. I repeatedly referred to 382 00:26:37,315 --> 00:26:43,635 Speaker 1: Tuesday as Wednesday and Wednesday as Thursday. Well, sir. Apart 383 00:26:43,715 --> 00:26:48,155 Speaker 1: from short holiday week syndrome, I will also plead medical reasons. 384 00:26:48,595 --> 00:26:51,275 Speaker 1: I am heading in for knee surgery and understandably they 385 00:26:51,275 --> 00:26:54,475 Speaker 1: have taken away my anti inflammatories, and bluntly, I am 386 00:26:54,515 --> 00:26:57,715 Speaker 1: surprised I can still see the microphone, let alone still 387 00:26:57,795 --> 00:27:01,555 Speaker 1: rite copy. I will also use this opportunity to express 388 00:27:01,635 --> 00:27:04,555 Speaker 1: surprise that is on the level of the surprise i've 389 00:27:04,715 --> 00:27:06,235 Speaker 1: up to day. I read a street sign and when 390 00:27:06,275 --> 00:27:10,595 Speaker 1: news keep er mont in three that read begin no 391 00:27:10,995 --> 00:27:15,555 Speaker 1: parking here, which made me say out loud, but I'm 392 00:27:15,635 --> 00:27:19,235 Speaker 1: already no parking, and then made me say, wait, begin 393 00:27:19,355 --> 00:27:22,115 Speaker 1: no parking here. So I can't park from here all 394 00:27:22,155 --> 00:27:26,195 Speaker 1: the way until the end of the world. The reason 395 00:27:26,235 --> 00:27:28,355 Speaker 1: I'm as surprised now as I was. Then I had 396 00:27:28,395 --> 00:27:30,235 Speaker 1: to go to the hospital and get a COVID test 397 00:27:30,955 --> 00:27:34,115 Speaker 1: before the surgery. That's fine too, but first I had 398 00:27:34,115 --> 00:27:36,115 Speaker 1: to fill out a survey online telling the folks at 399 00:27:36,155 --> 00:27:38,795 Speaker 1: the hospital that I didn't have COVID. And then when 400 00:27:38,795 --> 00:27:40,635 Speaker 1: I got to the hospital for the COVID test, they 401 00:27:40,675 --> 00:27:43,275 Speaker 1: screened me to make sure I didn't have any symptoms 402 00:27:43,315 --> 00:27:45,795 Speaker 1: of COVID. Like, if you're taking my word for it 403 00:27:46,315 --> 00:27:48,155 Speaker 1: and you don't want me to come into the hospital 404 00:27:48,195 --> 00:27:50,355 Speaker 1: if I have COVID, why do I have to come 405 00:27:50,395 --> 00:27:54,715 Speaker 1: to the hospital at all? The runners up a Twitter 406 00:27:54,795 --> 00:27:58,555 Speaker 1: account called Garfield fan art this is a little reminiscent 407 00:27:58,595 --> 00:28:01,435 Speaker 1: for that thing that happened in sports. About an hour 408 00:28:01,595 --> 00:28:06,195 Speaker 1: before the Queen's death, they account tweeted a photo of 409 00:28:06,275 --> 00:28:10,195 Speaker 1: a giant version of the cartoon cat Garfield leaning against 410 00:28:10,275 --> 00:28:14,675 Speaker 1: London's Big Ben, with the caption there's a new king 411 00:28:14,755 --> 00:28:19,835 Speaker 1: in town. Oops you mean oops? Don't you just say 412 00:28:19,875 --> 00:28:22,875 Speaker 1: oops and get out? But our winners Fox News dot 413 00:28:22,955 --> 00:28:25,995 Speaker 1: Com taking shots at the cable competition is not new. 414 00:28:26,075 --> 00:28:30,035 Speaker 1: I started doing it in It is possible I invented it, 415 00:28:30,315 --> 00:28:33,955 Speaker 1: although I doubt that. But this is really twisted. See 416 00:28:33,995 --> 00:28:35,835 Speaker 1: if you can follow this. There's a story on the 417 00:28:35,915 --> 00:28:40,395 Speaker 1: Fox site with the headline Memphis shooting spree. CNN MSNBC 418 00:28:40,555 --> 00:28:45,875 Speaker 1: primetime shows avoid breaking news arrest of Ezekiel Kelly. While 419 00:28:45,955 --> 00:28:49,635 Speaker 1: Fox News channels, Hannity and The Ingram Angle covered the 420 00:28:49,675 --> 00:28:53,075 Speaker 1: developing story, the competing programs on the liberal networks did not. 421 00:28:53,995 --> 00:28:57,435 Speaker 1: In fact, Laura Ingram Show was on tape. When they 422 00:28:57,475 --> 00:29:00,515 Speaker 1: say covering the developing story, Fox means they were showing 423 00:29:00,675 --> 00:29:03,715 Speaker 1: random video from Memphis, the same couple of pieces of 424 00:29:03,835 --> 00:29:07,115 Speaker 1: tape again, then again and again, while Ingram was winding 425 00:29:07,195 --> 00:29:10,115 Speaker 1: on with Senator Tom Cotton about how at the end 426 00:29:10,195 --> 00:29:13,555 Speaker 1: of the day, who knows, but there's more still to 427 00:29:13,675 --> 00:29:17,155 Speaker 1: this again quoting this Fox article, The CNN and MSNBC 428 00:29:17,275 --> 00:29:21,235 Speaker 1: hosts dedicated much of their programs discussing the latest developments 429 00:29:21,275 --> 00:29:24,035 Speaker 1: in the FBI raid at Mari Lago, Oh Yeah, those 430 00:29:24,315 --> 00:29:27,995 Speaker 1: pesky latest developments that Fox didn't name. That was all 431 00:29:28,035 --> 00:29:30,915 Speaker 1: that stuff about Trump stealing a document describing another nation's 432 00:29:30,995 --> 00:29:34,395 Speaker 1: nuclear capabilities. And they only covered the murderer in Memphis 433 00:29:34,595 --> 00:29:38,955 Speaker 1: because A the suspect was black. B. That meant that 434 00:29:39,035 --> 00:29:41,755 Speaker 1: Fox call out Don Lemon of CNN for once having 435 00:29:41,835 --> 00:29:44,555 Speaker 1: said white men are the country's biggest terror threat. And 436 00:29:44,835 --> 00:29:48,995 Speaker 1: see it gave Fox something anything to cover other than 437 00:29:49,075 --> 00:29:53,195 Speaker 1: the Trump trees. And Fox, give me a story, any 438 00:29:53,235 --> 00:29:55,675 Speaker 1: story other than Trump. Can we do this Elizabeth Queen 439 00:29:55,875 --> 00:30:00,795 Speaker 1: thing for her? Whose named Elizabeth Queen? Anyway? News Today's 440 00:30:01,595 --> 00:30:22,315 Speaker 1: worse Parsons in the world now to the number one 441 00:30:22,395 --> 00:30:24,475 Speaker 1: story in the countdown. And since it's the weekend, it's 442 00:30:24,555 --> 00:30:27,555 Speaker 1: Friday's with Thurber. You don't see a lot of new 443 00:30:27,755 --> 00:30:31,595 Speaker 1: fables anymore these days. People aren't writing as many fables 444 00:30:31,635 --> 00:30:34,795 Speaker 1: as they used to. There was asp around five A, D. B. C. 445 00:30:35,035 --> 00:30:38,075 Speaker 1: And then James Thurber around and that's pretty much it. 446 00:30:39,395 --> 00:30:42,915 Speaker 1: Fables require animals to stand in for people. They need 447 00:30:43,035 --> 00:30:46,195 Speaker 1: to be short, they need to be precise, They need 448 00:30:46,275 --> 00:30:48,475 Speaker 1: to end with a moral. They should be, if not 449 00:30:48,635 --> 00:30:51,435 Speaker 1: laugh out loud funny, at least Rye and thought provoking. 450 00:30:52,475 --> 00:30:54,395 Speaker 1: Three years ago, it was my privilege to write the 451 00:30:54,475 --> 00:30:59,355 Speaker 1: foreword to Michael J. Rosen's new volume James Thurber Collected Fables, 452 00:30:59,555 --> 00:31:02,395 Speaker 1: which includes many of the fables that had not previously 453 00:31:02,475 --> 00:31:06,315 Speaker 1: been published in a book. Despite my forward, I suspect 454 00:31:06,355 --> 00:31:10,355 Speaker 1: you will enjoy that book anyway. Thurber published most of 455 00:31:10,515 --> 00:31:13,275 Speaker 1: his fables and most of everything else in the New 456 00:31:13,355 --> 00:31:16,155 Speaker 1: Yorker magazine. He collected twenty eight of them in his 457 00:31:16,275 --> 00:31:19,395 Speaker 1: nineteen forty volume, Fables for Our Time and Famous Poems 458 00:31:19,395 --> 00:31:23,235 Speaker 1: Illustrated his further Fables for Our Time came out in 459 00:31:23,315 --> 00:31:25,795 Speaker 1: nineteen fifty six and is heavily influenced by the era 460 00:31:25,875 --> 00:31:29,075 Speaker 1: of McCarthy is m. Many of the fables are classics, 461 00:31:29,355 --> 00:31:33,035 Speaker 1: some are sleepers, all are great. Let me give you 462 00:31:33,235 --> 00:31:35,315 Speaker 1: three of them to carry you through the weekend, starting 463 00:31:35,355 --> 00:31:41,995 Speaker 1: with maybe maybe the best, little, misogynistic, but damned fun 464 00:31:43,755 --> 00:31:46,115 Speaker 1: and certainly the best of them in terms of being 465 00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:51,195 Speaker 1: known to the public, The Unicorn in the Garden by 466 00:31:51,315 --> 00:31:57,115 Speaker 1: James Thurber. Once upon a sunny morning, a man who 467 00:31:57,235 --> 00:32:00,235 Speaker 1: sat in a breakfast nook looked up from his scrambled 468 00:32:00,275 --> 00:32:06,555 Speaker 1: eggs to see a white unicorn with golden horn quietly 469 00:32:06,755 --> 00:32:10,115 Speaker 1: cropping the roses in the garden. The man went up 470 00:32:10,155 --> 00:32:12,195 Speaker 1: to the bedroom where his wife was still asleep, and 471 00:32:12,315 --> 00:32:15,755 Speaker 1: woke her. There's a unicorn in the garden, he said, 472 00:32:15,995 --> 00:32:20,995 Speaker 1: eating roses. She opened one unfriendly eye and looked at him. 473 00:32:21,475 --> 00:32:24,675 Speaker 1: The unicorn is a mythical beast, she said, and turned 474 00:32:24,755 --> 00:32:29,435 Speaker 1: her back on him. The man walked slowly downstairs and 475 00:32:29,555 --> 00:32:32,555 Speaker 1: out into the garden. The unicorn was still there. He 476 00:32:32,675 --> 00:32:38,515 Speaker 1: was now browsing among the tulips. Here, unicorn, said the man, 477 00:32:38,995 --> 00:32:41,515 Speaker 1: and he pulled up a lily and gave it to him. 478 00:32:42,035 --> 00:32:48,355 Speaker 1: The unicorn ate it gravely with a high heart. Because 479 00:32:48,435 --> 00:32:51,315 Speaker 1: there was a unicorn in his garden. The man went 480 00:32:51,395 --> 00:32:55,435 Speaker 1: upstairs and roused his wife again. The unicorn, he said, 481 00:32:55,715 --> 00:32:58,915 Speaker 1: eight a lily. His wife sat up in bed and 482 00:32:59,035 --> 00:33:03,315 Speaker 1: looked at him coldly. You are a booby, she said, 483 00:33:03,755 --> 00:33:05,955 Speaker 1: and I'm going to have you put in the booby hatch. 484 00:33:07,275 --> 00:33:10,035 Speaker 1: The man, who had never liked the words booby and 485 00:33:10,235 --> 00:33:13,115 Speaker 1: booby hatch, and who liked them even less on a 486 00:33:13,235 --> 00:33:16,035 Speaker 1: shining morning when there was a unicorn in the garden, 487 00:33:17,235 --> 00:33:20,835 Speaker 1: thought for a moment, we'll see about that, he said. 488 00:33:21,835 --> 00:33:25,435 Speaker 1: He walked over to the door. He has a golden 489 00:33:25,555 --> 00:33:28,795 Speaker 1: horn in the middle of his forehead, he told her. 490 00:33:29,435 --> 00:33:31,475 Speaker 1: Then he went back to the garden to watch the unicorn, 491 00:33:31,515 --> 00:33:34,675 Speaker 1: but the unicorn had gone away. The man sat down 492 00:33:34,715 --> 00:33:38,955 Speaker 1: among the roses and went to sleep. As soon as 493 00:33:39,035 --> 00:33:40,955 Speaker 1: the husband had gone out of the house, the wife 494 00:33:40,995 --> 00:33:42,875 Speaker 1: got up and dressed as fast as she could. She 495 00:33:43,035 --> 00:33:45,395 Speaker 1: was very excited, and there was a gloat in her eye. 496 00:33:45,635 --> 00:33:48,435 Speaker 1: She telephoned the police, and she telephoned to psychiatrist. She 497 00:33:48,475 --> 00:33:50,835 Speaker 1: told them to hurry to her house and bring a straightjacket. 498 00:33:51,115 --> 00:33:53,795 Speaker 1: When the police and the psychiatrist arrived, they sat down 499 00:33:53,835 --> 00:33:57,315 Speaker 1: in chairs and looked at her with great interest. My husband, 500 00:33:57,795 --> 00:34:02,195 Speaker 1: she said, saw unicorn this morning. The police looked at 501 00:34:02,235 --> 00:34:05,595 Speaker 1: the psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist looked at the police. He 502 00:34:05,795 --> 00:34:10,075 Speaker 1: told me at eight a lily, she said. The psychiatrist 503 00:34:10,115 --> 00:34:12,915 Speaker 1: looked at the police, and the police looked at the psychiatrist. 504 00:34:13,355 --> 00:34:15,595 Speaker 1: He told me it had a golden horn in the 505 00:34:15,675 --> 00:34:20,115 Speaker 1: middle of its forehead, she said. At a solemn signal 506 00:34:20,235 --> 00:34:23,195 Speaker 1: from the psychiatrist, the police leaped from their chairs and 507 00:34:23,395 --> 00:34:27,635 Speaker 1: seized the wife. They had a hard time subduing her, 508 00:34:27,715 --> 00:34:30,315 Speaker 1: for she put up a terrific struggle but they finally 509 00:34:30,435 --> 00:34:33,555 Speaker 1: subdued her. Just as they got her into the straight jacket, 510 00:34:33,635 --> 00:34:38,035 Speaker 1: the husband came back into the house. Did you tell 511 00:34:38,115 --> 00:34:42,435 Speaker 1: your wife you saw unicorn? Asked the police. Of course not, 512 00:34:42,635 --> 00:34:46,915 Speaker 1: said the husband. The unicorn is a mythical beast. That's 513 00:34:46,915 --> 00:34:50,475 Speaker 1: all I wanted to know, said the psychiatrist. Take her away. 514 00:34:50,955 --> 00:34:53,755 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, So what's your wife is as crazy as 515 00:34:53,795 --> 00:34:57,395 Speaker 1: a jay bud. So they took her away, cursing and screaming, 516 00:34:57,395 --> 00:35:00,195 Speaker 1: and shut her up in an institution. The husband lived 517 00:35:00,235 --> 00:35:05,755 Speaker 1: happily ever after. Moral don't count your rubies until they 518 00:35:05,795 --> 00:35:11,635 Speaker 1: are hatched. The unicorn in the Garden by James Thurber 519 00:35:13,315 --> 00:35:16,395 Speaker 1: I promised three. Here's the second one. It's a little 520 00:35:16,515 --> 00:35:21,875 Speaker 1: less joyful and silly. The rabbits who caused all the 521 00:35:21,995 --> 00:35:28,195 Speaker 1: trouble by James Thurber. Within the memory of the youngest child, 522 00:35:28,275 --> 00:35:30,875 Speaker 1: there was a family of rabbits who lived near pack 523 00:35:31,275 --> 00:35:35,595 Speaker 1: of wolves. The wolves announced that they did not like 524 00:35:35,755 --> 00:35:39,715 Speaker 1: the way the rabbits were living. The wolves were crazy 525 00:35:39,755 --> 00:35:41,795 Speaker 1: about the way they themselves were living because it was 526 00:35:41,795 --> 00:35:45,315 Speaker 1: the only way to live. One night, several wolves were 527 00:35:45,435 --> 00:35:48,075 Speaker 1: killed in an earthquake, and this was blamed on the rabbits, 528 00:35:48,155 --> 00:35:52,075 Speaker 1: for it is well known that rabbits pound on the 529 00:35:52,155 --> 00:35:56,435 Speaker 1: ground with their hind legs and cause earthquakes. On another night, 530 00:35:56,675 --> 00:35:59,395 Speaker 1: one of the wolves was killed by a bolt of lightning, 531 00:35:59,435 --> 00:36:01,755 Speaker 1: and this was also blamed on the rabbits, for it 532 00:36:01,955 --> 00:36:07,715 Speaker 1: is well known that led us eaters caused lightning. The 533 00:36:07,795 --> 00:36:10,715 Speaker 1: wolves threatened to civilize the rabbits if they didn't behave, 534 00:36:10,795 --> 00:36:13,155 Speaker 1: and the rabbits decided to run away to a desert island, 535 00:36:13,355 --> 00:36:16,755 Speaker 1: But the other animals, who lived at a great distance 536 00:36:17,275 --> 00:36:21,275 Speaker 1: shamed them, saying, you must stay where you are and 537 00:36:21,395 --> 00:36:25,515 Speaker 1: be brave. This is no world for escapists. If the 538 00:36:25,555 --> 00:36:28,835 Speaker 1: wolves attacked you, we will come to your aid in 539 00:36:28,915 --> 00:36:34,035 Speaker 1: all probability. So the rabbits continued to live near the wolves, 540 00:36:34,195 --> 00:36:36,395 Speaker 1: and one day there was a terrible flood which drowned 541 00:36:36,435 --> 00:36:40,155 Speaker 1: a great many wolves. This was blamed on the rabbits, 542 00:36:40,235 --> 00:36:42,675 Speaker 1: for it is well known that carrot nibblers with long 543 00:36:42,755 --> 00:36:48,035 Speaker 1: ears caused floods. The wolves descended upon the rabbits for 544 00:36:48,195 --> 00:36:50,875 Speaker 1: their own good and imprisoned them in a dark cave 545 00:36:51,235 --> 00:36:55,275 Speaker 1: for their own protection. When nothing was heard about the 546 00:36:55,395 --> 00:36:57,635 Speaker 1: rabbits for some weeks, the other animals demanded to know 547 00:36:57,715 --> 00:37:01,355 Speaker 1: what had happened to them. The wolves replied that the 548 00:37:01,475 --> 00:37:04,315 Speaker 1: rabbits had been eaten, and since they had been eaten, 549 00:37:04,355 --> 00:37:08,235 Speaker 1: the air was a purely internal matter. But the other 550 00:37:08,275 --> 00:37:11,115 Speaker 1: animals warned that they might possibly unite against the wolves 551 00:37:11,195 --> 00:37:14,275 Speaker 1: unless some reason was given for the destruction of the rabbits. 552 00:37:14,915 --> 00:37:18,515 Speaker 1: So the wolves gave them one. They were trying to escape, 553 00:37:19,075 --> 00:37:22,715 Speaker 1: said the wolves, and as you know, this is no 554 00:37:22,955 --> 00:37:31,435 Speaker 1: world for escapists. Moral run, don't walk to the nearest 555 00:37:31,515 --> 00:37:36,155 Speaker 1: desert island. The rabbits have caused all the trouble by 556 00:37:36,235 --> 00:37:40,555 Speaker 1: James Thurber and one last one. And I have mentioned 557 00:37:40,595 --> 00:37:42,795 Speaker 1: this before in other settings, but I'll mention it again. 558 00:37:43,515 --> 00:37:46,315 Speaker 1: I have a tattoo that pertains to this particular one, 559 00:37:46,875 --> 00:37:49,875 Speaker 1: and I have an ex girlfriend running around who has 560 00:37:49,955 --> 00:37:54,555 Speaker 1: the moral to this one on her shoulders. I wonder 561 00:37:54,635 --> 00:37:58,595 Speaker 1: how she, ever, explained that The Moth and the Star 562 00:38:00,155 --> 00:38:06,435 Speaker 1: by James Thurber. A young and impressional old moth once 563 00:38:06,515 --> 00:38:09,555 Speaker 1: set his heart on a certain star. He told his 564 00:38:09,635 --> 00:38:12,115 Speaker 1: mother about this, and she counseled him to set his 565 00:38:12,195 --> 00:38:15,915 Speaker 1: heart on a bridge lamp instead. Stars aren't the thing 566 00:38:15,995 --> 00:38:19,435 Speaker 1: to hang around, she said, Lamps and the thing to 567 00:38:19,515 --> 00:38:23,675 Speaker 1: hang around. You get somewhere that way, said the moths father. 568 00:38:24,035 --> 00:38:28,355 Speaker 1: You don't get anywhere chasing stars. But the moth would 569 00:38:28,395 --> 00:38:31,715 Speaker 1: not heed the words of either parent. Every evening, at dusk, 570 00:38:31,755 --> 00:38:34,515 Speaker 1: when the star came out, he would start flying toward it, 571 00:38:34,915 --> 00:38:37,155 Speaker 1: and every morning at dawn he would crawl back home, 572 00:38:37,555 --> 00:38:41,115 Speaker 1: worn out with his vain endeavor. One day his father 573 00:38:41,195 --> 00:38:43,995 Speaker 1: said to him, you haven't burned a wing in month's boy, 574 00:38:44,435 --> 00:38:46,035 Speaker 1: and it looks to me as if you're never going 575 00:38:46,155 --> 00:38:49,875 Speaker 1: to All your brothers have been badly burned flying around 576 00:38:49,955 --> 00:38:53,075 Speaker 1: street lamps, and all your sisters have been terribly singed 577 00:38:53,515 --> 00:38:56,235 Speaker 1: flying around house lamps. Come on, now, get out of 578 00:38:56,275 --> 00:38:59,115 Speaker 1: here and get yourself scorched, big strapping moth like you 579 00:38:59,195 --> 00:39:03,555 Speaker 1: without a muck on him. The moth left his father's house, 580 00:39:03,675 --> 00:39:05,595 Speaker 1: but he would not fly round street lamps, and he 581 00:39:05,635 --> 00:39:07,675 Speaker 1: would not fly around house lamps. He went right on 582 00:39:07,795 --> 00:39:11,675 Speaker 1: trying to reach the star, which was four and one 583 00:39:11,795 --> 00:39:17,355 Speaker 1: third light years or twenty five trillion miles away. The 584 00:39:17,515 --> 00:39:20,115 Speaker 1: moth thought it was just caught in the top of 585 00:39:20,195 --> 00:39:24,075 Speaker 1: the branches of an elm over there he never did 586 00:39:24,155 --> 00:39:25,995 Speaker 1: reach the star, but he went right on trying night 587 00:39:26,035 --> 00:39:28,955 Speaker 1: after night. When he was a very very old moth. 588 00:39:29,835 --> 00:39:33,395 Speaker 1: He began to think that he really had reached the star, 589 00:39:34,115 --> 00:39:36,995 Speaker 1: and he went around saying so. This gave him a 590 00:39:37,355 --> 00:39:41,555 Speaker 1: deep and lasting pleasure, and he lived to a great 591 00:39:41,675 --> 00:39:46,075 Speaker 1: old age. His parents, and his brothers and his sisters 592 00:39:46,155 --> 00:39:48,515 Speaker 1: had all been burned to death when they were quite young. 593 00:39:49,955 --> 00:39:53,875 Speaker 1: Moral who flies afar from the sphere of our sorrow 594 00:39:55,035 --> 00:40:01,235 Speaker 1: is here today and here tomorrow. The Moth and the 595 00:40:01,355 --> 00:40:17,715 Speaker 1: Star by James Thurber. I've done all of the damage 596 00:40:17,715 --> 00:40:20,035 Speaker 1: I can do here. Help me out, Give me this 597 00:40:20,515 --> 00:40:23,835 Speaker 1: good review or rating or subscription, or forward it to 598 00:40:23,915 --> 00:40:29,555 Speaker 1: somebody best this podcast thing. Thank you very much. The 599 00:40:29,635 --> 00:40:33,235 Speaker 1: Countdown theme from Beethoven's Ninth arranged, produced and performed by 600 00:40:33,275 --> 00:40:36,835 Speaker 1: Countdown musical directors Brian Ray and John Philip Chanelle. All 601 00:40:36,955 --> 00:40:39,835 Speaker 1: orchestration and keyboards by John Philip s Chanelle. The guitars 602 00:40:39,875 --> 00:40:42,595 Speaker 1: based on drums by Brian Ray. Produced by t k 603 00:40:42,795 --> 00:40:46,355 Speaker 1: O Brothers. The other Beethoven selections have been arranged and 604 00:40:46,515 --> 00:40:50,035 Speaker 1: performed by No Horns allowed our sports music. The Old 605 00:40:50,075 --> 00:40:53,315 Speaker 1: Woman theme written by Mitch Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN, 606 00:40:53,355 --> 00:40:57,435 Speaker 1: incorporated musical comments by Nancy Faust. The Best baseball stadium 607 00:40:57,555 --> 00:41:02,075 Speaker 1: organist ever, and our announcer today was Larry David. That's 608 00:41:02,075 --> 00:41:06,155 Speaker 1: countdown for this the day since Donald Trump's first attempted 609 00:41:06,235 --> 00:41:08,875 Speaker 1: coup against the democratically elected government of the United States. 610 00:41:09,435 --> 00:41:13,595 Speaker 1: Arrest him now while you still can. A new episode Monday. 611 00:41:14,395 --> 00:41:17,875 Speaker 1: That's the plan, asked the surgeon. Till then on Keith 612 00:41:17,875 --> 00:41:20,995 Speaker 1: old Reman, good morning, good afternoon, goodnight, and good luck. 613 00:41:27,795 --> 00:41:30,515 Speaker 1: Countdown with Keith Old Reman is a production of I 614 00:41:30,715 --> 00:41:34,355 Speaker 1: heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit 615 00:41:34,435 --> 00:41:37,795 Speaker 1: the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you 616 00:41:37,915 --> 00:41:39,035 Speaker 1: get your podcasts.