WEBVTT - I Choose ... to Create Difficult Boundaries with David Archuleta

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome

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<v Speaker 1>back to I Choose Me. I'm continuing my conversation with

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<v Speaker 1>David Archaletta, American idol Icon best selling author of Devout

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<v Speaker 1>and someone who courageously models the choice to live life authentically.

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<v Speaker 1>Here's more with David. I know from reading your book

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<v Speaker 1>that you saw a lot of things as a kid

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<v Speaker 1>that you shouldn't have been subject to abuse in your

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<v Speaker 1>family and whatnot, and so separating from a parent is

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<v Speaker 1>very hard, and often you get guilt from doing it,

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<v Speaker 1>from standing on your own and telling your own truth.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sure you had to have felt that, because I

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<v Speaker 1>can relate to that as well. Did you? And even

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<v Speaker 1>about you know, I didn't really even write about this

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<v Speaker 1>part in my book about my relationship with my parents

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<v Speaker 1>in these terms. But how did you deal with any

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<v Speaker 1>guilt that you might have felt?

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<v Speaker 2>Or Oh, I felt so guilty. I felt so I

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<v Speaker 2>felt like such a betrayer. Yeah, but I mean my

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<v Speaker 2>dad let me know that how much I betrayed him

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<v Speaker 2>as well.

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<v Speaker 1>Which didn't help your narrative.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm sure I believed him. I believed I was betraying

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<v Speaker 2>my dad. I was going against our beliefs that family

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<v Speaker 2>comes first, and you're supposed to respect your parents and

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<v Speaker 2>honor thy father and mother. It's one of the Ten commandments.

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<v Speaker 2>Even so, I felt like I was being very disrespectful,

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<v Speaker 2>and you know, it was hard to know because my

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<v Speaker 2>dad would rant and rage of everything I had done

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<v Speaker 2>to him and how horrible of a son I was

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<v Speaker 2>to him, and I would believe him because he was

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<v Speaker 2>my dad. And I was also kind of conditioned not

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<v Speaker 2>to really speak up for myself and to speak back

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<v Speaker 2>to him because he was my dad, and so the

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<v Speaker 2>only things I was really allowed to say were things

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<v Speaker 2>that he approved of. And I think it was a

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<v Speaker 2>relationshipship and a father to child dynamic that was more

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<v Speaker 2>unique to the relationship we had together, because it's different

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<v Speaker 2>with other siblings. Even though same dad, same house, it

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<v Speaker 2>was very different dynamic of what he expected of me.

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<v Speaker 2>It just got to a point where I would say,

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<v Speaker 2>I would ask because I was so confused. I'm like,

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<v Speaker 2>he keeps bringing up all the horrible things I've done

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<v Speaker 2>to him, And when I would ask him to specify,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, Dad, what, like, what can you explain to

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<v Speaker 2>me what I did wrong and what I did to you?

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<v Speaker 2>I would love to apologize for it, but I want

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<v Speaker 2>to know what it is because you keep bringing it up.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm confused, and he would like divert the conversation. He

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<v Speaker 2>would avoid answering me clearly because there wasn't anything specific

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<v Speaker 2>that I was doing him. It was just a tactic

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<v Speaker 2>he used to make me feel guilty and have to

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<v Speaker 2>apologize to him. And even this last time I spoke

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<v Speaker 2>to him, I was just before the book, when I

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<v Speaker 2>was trying to get the quote, I was just like, Dad,

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<v Speaker 2>what were you? Please give me something specific? I need specifics.

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<v Speaker 2>Speak to me clearly. And He's just like, well, just

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<v Speaker 2>all the ways you've treated me, and I just you know,

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<v Speaker 2>why would a son ever do that to his father?

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<v Speaker 2>And I was just like, what do what? Please tell me?

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<v Speaker 2>And he I don't think he even knew himself because

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<v Speaker 2>I was. I kept like like, okay, no, I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>gonna let like tell me specifically what I'm doing to you.

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<v Speaker 2>You can't give me a straight answer because I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>doing anything to you.

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<v Speaker 1>And dies that help you become just stronger and stronger

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<v Speaker 1>and stronger.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it made me realize that, Okay, I'm not insane.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not a crazy person.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not a spoiled brat.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Yeah, he would call me. He would say how

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<v Speaker 2>self righteous I was and how much of a high

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<v Speaker 2>horse I was on. And it came to realize it

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<v Speaker 2>wasn't the way that I was treating him. It was

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<v Speaker 2>the fact that he felt like I wasn't seeing things

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<v Speaker 2>his way right. And I was like, Dad, I hope

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<v Speaker 2>you see I'm listening to you and I've seen and

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<v Speaker 2>I hope you feel like I think he just felt

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<v Speaker 2>misunderstood and he felt misunderstood with his intentions with me,

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<v Speaker 2>And I was like, Dad, I appreciate what you've done

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<v Speaker 2>and like what you tried to do to me as

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<v Speaker 2>a dad, I just hope you see that some of

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<v Speaker 2>the things that even though they were well intentioned, they

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<v Speaker 2>didn't have great outcomes, okay, can be exhausting. And I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, you would get obsessive with me, You wouldn't

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<v Speaker 2>give me a break, Like it was I wasn't really

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<v Speaker 2>even allowed to speak up for myself.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, he made you like rehearse and over and over

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<v Speaker 1>and over and over all night.

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<v Speaker 2>He for for hours, yeah at a time, and it

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<v Speaker 2>was like, I swear he's ocd of with it. And

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<v Speaker 2>if I would just be like, okay, like I'm done,

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<v Speaker 2>like I don't, he's like no, like it just wasn't

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<v Speaker 2>an option. And if I disagreed with him, or if

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<v Speaker 2>I said I don't want to do this anymore, like

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<v Speaker 2>I don't like what you're doing, he would be like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>you don't understand me. Well, we have to have this

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<v Speaker 2>discussion now, and it would last for hours, and it's

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<v Speaker 2>like he never got tired of talking. So I would

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<v Speaker 2>just have to like and if I said, okay, Dad,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to go, I was disrespecting him and how

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<v Speaker 2>dare you disrespect your father like that? And how darey?

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<v Speaker 2>And then he would be like how could you treat

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<v Speaker 2>me this way? And his energy just continued getting more

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<v Speaker 2>intense and more times more intense, and then he would

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<v Speaker 2>talk about He's like, I have person I am your father.

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<v Speaker 2>As your father, I have it was divinely called from God.

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<v Speaker 2>That is a divine calling I have as your father.

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<v Speaker 2>I can receive revelation for you. You don't understand that my

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<v Speaker 2>intentions are always in your best interest and no one

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<v Speaker 2>will look at you the same way I do because

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<v Speaker 2>I have revelation from God. No one will be able

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<v Speaker 2>to guide you and help you and understand you the

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<v Speaker 2>way I do. And I would have to apologize to

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<v Speaker 2>him for even disagreeing or wanting him to stop. So

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<v Speaker 2>I'd be like, okay, okay, I'm sorry, Dad, and he'd

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<v Speaker 2>be like, it's okay, son, but I don't I just

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<v Speaker 2>don't understand why you treat me this way. But it

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<v Speaker 2>was like this like never ending loop of manipulation that

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't know at the time. Now I do, thankfully,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, therapy and my siblings helped have helped me

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<v Speaker 2>a lot. But when my dad would then say, He's like,

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<v Speaker 2>you just never understood me, And I'm like, hey, Dad,

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<v Speaker 2>but can you realize can we acknowledge that I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>mistreating you. I know you may feel that I'm mistreating you,

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<v Speaker 2>like treating in a bad way, but we have to

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<v Speaker 2>acknowledge this for what it is. You don't like that

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<v Speaker 2>I don't agree with you, that doesn't mean I'm treating

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<v Speaker 2>you in a bad way, okay, And you can't use

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<v Speaker 2>that again. You can't use that against me just because

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<v Speaker 2>I disagree with you. And he also just like, well

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<v Speaker 2>you don't understand me. I'm like, and that's okay. You

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<v Speaker 2>don't understand me either the way you think you do.

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<v Speaker 2>And I may not understand everything about you, but I

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<v Speaker 2>can still respect you, and I don't have to agree

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<v Speaker 2>with everything you say to understand you. And just because

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<v Speaker 2>I don't agree with you and don't understand everything about

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<v Speaker 2>you does not make me a whole son, and it

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<v Speaker 2>doesn't mean I'm treating you horribly. So I but it

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<v Speaker 2>was like a weird thing that I was finally finding

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<v Speaker 2>peace with all the times he had said all this

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<v Speaker 2>stuff before. And there are times where he could talk

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<v Speaker 2>to me for three, four or five.

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<v Speaker 1>Hours, Oh my god, and my brain would explode.

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<v Speaker 2>I did, I but it's like he knew how to

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<v Speaker 2>wear you down.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>And my mom dealt with it too, which is why

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<v Speaker 2>she ran away. When she ran away to California and

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<v Speaker 2>didn't want to come back, And the only reason she

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<v Speaker 2>came back it was because my dad said, I'm going

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<v Speaker 2>to take David Todddish for American Idol, and I need

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<v Speaker 2>we don't know how long this experience is going to take,

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<v Speaker 2>and I need you to be here with the kids.

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<v Speaker 2>And my mom I think she knew this, like she

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<v Speaker 2>knew my dad was a manipulative. I don't think my

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<v Speaker 2>dad realizes how manipulative he is.

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<v Speaker 1>No, I don't think certain people ever. Yeah, kind of

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<v Speaker 1>have that aha moment sadly, Yeah, have you kind of

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<v Speaker 1>come to terms with the fact that he may never

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<v Speaker 1>ever see from your perspective.

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<v Speaker 2>As long as I don't bring up my career and singing,

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<v Speaker 2>he's good.

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<v Speaker 1>But you talk openly to him about your life. I

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<v Speaker 1>talked to your relationships, like your sexuality. Are you able

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<v Speaker 1>to he.

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<v Speaker 2>Even though I wasn't really talking to my dad much,

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<v Speaker 2>I did call him after I came out publicly so

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<v Speaker 2>that he knew, and he was just like, son, I'm

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<v Speaker 2>so proud of you. He's like, thirty years ago, this

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<v Speaker 2>would have been unheard of a Mormon public figure, Mormon

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<v Speaker 2>celebrity coming out.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm so surprised.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, he was. He said he was really happy for

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<v Speaker 2>me and really proud of me, which I wasn't expecting.

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<v Speaker 2>But I was really relieved to hear. Right. But it's

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<v Speaker 2>just when we talk about things in the past, like

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<v Speaker 2>things that from the book are triggers. So but it took,

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<v Speaker 2>like I said, it took like fifteen years to make boundaries.

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<v Speaker 2>There's a moment in the book where I talk about

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<v Speaker 2>how I just I cut him off. I blocked his number,

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<v Speaker 2>and that was that. And it was just a hard

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<v Speaker 2>like you, if you're not going to be okay with

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<v Speaker 2>me living my own life and feel like you have

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<v Speaker 2>to you have to put me down and wear me

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<v Speaker 2>down to the point where I lose all my self

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<v Speaker 2>esteem and all my confidence of myself. That and I

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<v Speaker 2>have to be convinced that you need to come back

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<v Speaker 2>and tell me and control everything in my life. Then

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<v Speaker 2>we're not having a relationship. And he wasn't okay with that,

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<v Speaker 2>and he tried for years to get back into working

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<v Speaker 2>and being involved in my life in a working stance

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<v Speaker 2>and a financial stance because I was too stupid to

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<v Speaker 2>do anything my own.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, he convinced you that you were too stupid to

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<v Speaker 1>handle it on your own. He convinced you that he

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<v Speaker 1>is the reason you were had become famous, the reason

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<v Speaker 1>that you were successful.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean, And he did take me to American

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<v Speaker 2>Idol audition, but I don't think and he did spend

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<v Speaker 2>hours trying to teach me the things he knew. But

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<v Speaker 2>in the end, my dad can't sing the way I can.

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<v Speaker 2>He didn't teach me how to sing, like there's something

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<v Speaker 2>that was just your gift in me. Yeah, thank you,

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<v Speaker 2>Like I think that's the first time I ever say

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<v Speaker 2>that too, because I'm like, well, I don't want to

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<v Speaker 2>disrespect my dad. It's like, Dad, no, you were inspired

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<v Speaker 2>by me to help me, to want to see me

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<v Speaker 2>do what I did. But you know I didn't. You

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<v Speaker 2>didn't tell me how to do what I'm doing. It

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<v Speaker 2>was just it's just a part of what I do.

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<v Speaker 2>So you can't take credit for where I am today.

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<v Speaker 2>But in the end, he would, you know, back then,

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<v Speaker 2>he would say, well, i'm your dad, you know I was.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>You wouldn't be here without me.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, you wouldn't be here without me. I sacrifice so

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<v Speaker 2>much of my time and my money, and I gave

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<v Speaker 2>you voice lessons and things like that. So he's like,

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<v Speaker 2>you owe me, And so it got to a point

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<v Speaker 2>whe I'm like, okay, I've given you enough money at

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<v Speaker 2>this point, because I was paying him a normal salary

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<v Speaker 2>as a manager, and I was paying for him. Any

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<v Speaker 2>time he said that I should pay him, well, you

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<v Speaker 2>owe me the X amount of money. Well you need

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<v Speaker 2>to give me this X amount this amount now and

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<v Speaker 2>I'll just I had to learn the hard way that

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<v Speaker 2>there is never enough. Yeah, there was never enough for him.

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<v Speaker 1>And you couldn't probably say no because you just get

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<v Speaker 1>berated for hours.

0:12:30.360 --> 0:12:31.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:37.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it is rough, but you found the strength you

0:12:37.480 --> 0:12:40.880
<v Speaker 1>left right after American idol, like the height for you

0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:45.120
<v Speaker 1>of that moment, and you left to do a missionary.

0:12:44.800 --> 0:12:46.720
<v Speaker 2>To be a missionary Yeah yeah, and.

0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:51.080
<v Speaker 1>You took a sabbatical from this wild world that you

0:12:51.080 --> 0:12:54.760
<v Speaker 1>were living in. Do you think that had an impact

0:12:54.840 --> 0:12:56.960
<v Speaker 1>on you? Like, what kind of an impact did that

0:12:57.040 --> 0:12:59.079
<v Speaker 1>have on you? Because then you had to come back.

0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:05.320
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. I was so excited to leave because I felt

0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:08.160
<v Speaker 2>like it was the first time I got to leave.

0:13:08.600 --> 0:13:12.680
<v Speaker 2>And basically it was like it was a big f

0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:16.319
<v Speaker 2>you to everything my dad was claiming he had built.

0:13:17.760 --> 0:13:20.480
<v Speaker 2>Because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be anything.

0:13:21.360 --> 0:13:23.040
<v Speaker 2>It wasn't just I wouldn't be where I was. I

0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:26.800
<v Speaker 2>wouldn't be anything if it weren't for him. I was

0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:30.120
<v Speaker 2>such a to him, like I was painted like I

0:13:30.200 --> 0:13:33.240
<v Speaker 2>was such a mess. I was a failure. I was

0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:37.880
<v Speaker 2>a lost cause. But thanks to my dad, I've become

0:13:37.960 --> 0:13:42.560
<v Speaker 2>something and somebody. So for him, he was sending me

0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:45.800
<v Speaker 2>so many messages, calling me so many times, texting me

0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:49.520
<v Speaker 2>so much because he was so pissed that I was

0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:53.160
<v Speaker 2>going on a mission, because he felt like I was

0:13:53.200 --> 0:13:55.520
<v Speaker 2>stopping him in the face, because it was like, after

0:13:55.559 --> 0:13:57.640
<v Speaker 2>everything I'd done for you, he was and he was

0:13:57.679 --> 0:13:59.800
<v Speaker 2>always involving the family. It's like, if you leave, you

0:13:59.840 --> 0:14:04.280
<v Speaker 2>were leaving your whole family because they financially rely on

0:14:04.360 --> 0:14:07.559
<v Speaker 2>you now and for me. But you know, looking back,

0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:10.800
<v Speaker 2>and I'm like, that's not my responsibility. That's supposed to

0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:15.080
<v Speaker 2>be yours. But he also was saying, well, I gave

0:14:15.200 --> 0:14:19.080
<v Speaker 2>up my career and my business to support you, so

0:14:19.880 --> 0:14:23.640
<v Speaker 2>how dare you? Yeah? And how dare you leave? That

0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:26.800
<v Speaker 2>was scary goes the money, Yeah, that was a scary

0:14:26.840 --> 0:14:28.520
<v Speaker 2>thing because I'm like, I don't want my family to

0:14:28.560 --> 0:14:30.160
<v Speaker 2>be in a bad position.

0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:32.600
<v Speaker 1>How did you get the strength to choose to do that?

0:14:33.520 --> 0:14:36.760
<v Speaker 2>Well? Well, because it was a religious thing. I felt like,

0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:43.120
<v Speaker 2>I'm doing God's work, and if we're in God's hands,

0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:47.280
<v Speaker 2>then if I'm doing the most important thing I could

0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:49.160
<v Speaker 2>be doing right now, which is to be a missionary

0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:53.080
<v Speaker 2>for God, don't you think he will provide? So I

0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:55.760
<v Speaker 2>looked at it as I have enough faith that God

0:14:55.840 --> 0:14:59.200
<v Speaker 2>will provide for my family even if they're not relying

0:14:59.280 --> 0:15:01.440
<v Speaker 2>on me. And I know that they've become dependent on me.

0:15:02.000 --> 0:15:04.080
<v Speaker 2>So I didn't know how the transition was going to

0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:06.640
<v Speaker 2>be for me to not be in the picture anymore.

0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:11.360
<v Speaker 2>But I was still financially involved for my mom. I

0:15:11.440 --> 0:15:14.160
<v Speaker 2>was paying her mortgage because she didn't have a job.

0:15:14.240 --> 0:15:17.160
<v Speaker 2>She was told the same things my dad told me.

0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:20.120
<v Speaker 2>My dad told her so he would say, you're too

0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:23.000
<v Speaker 2>stupid to work. You didn't finish school, you don't have

0:15:23.040 --> 0:15:28.040
<v Speaker 2>an education. You're English. Your English isn't good. You suck

0:15:28.080 --> 0:15:31.160
<v Speaker 2>at math like you can't. You're supposed to be a

0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:34.280
<v Speaker 2>mom and stay home. That's the mom's role. And I

0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:36.600
<v Speaker 2>mean that was came from our church too, like the

0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:40.400
<v Speaker 2>dad is the provider and the mom takes care of

0:15:40.480 --> 0:15:44.200
<v Speaker 2>the kids. But now that they were going to get divorced,

0:15:44.440 --> 0:15:47.560
<v Speaker 2>it was a really ugly divorce. My dad put my

0:15:47.600 --> 0:15:51.400
<v Speaker 2>mom in a very difficult position. It was to the

0:15:51.400 --> 0:15:52.920
<v Speaker 2>point where he was trying to get her to pay

0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:57.600
<v Speaker 2>him alimony. And it's like, wait, you told her she

0:15:57.600 --> 0:15:59.400
<v Speaker 2>didn't have money. You know that she doesn't have money

0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:02.680
<v Speaker 2>because you never allowed her to work, So how is

0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:05.240
<v Speaker 2>she supposed to give you alimony. That didn't make any sense.

0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:09.240
<v Speaker 2>But she didn't have any legal representation, she didn't have

0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:10.800
<v Speaker 2>any dy afford it. So I was like, Mom, you

0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:13.280
<v Speaker 2>anything you need, you let me know. I will provide.

0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:15.320
<v Speaker 2>But she didn't want to ask me because she didn't.

0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:16.760
<v Speaker 1>Want to be She didn't want to be like him

0:16:16.880 --> 0:16:17.280
<v Speaker 1>that current.

0:16:17.440 --> 0:16:22.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but it's so so I made sure she was

0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:24.600
<v Speaker 2>able to have a mortgage. But I was like, Mom,

0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:27.120
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to give you two hundred bucks for anything

0:16:27.280 --> 0:16:29.440
<v Speaker 2>else groceries, but you need to have to figure out

0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:31.000
<v Speaker 2>the rest on your own. But you don't have to

0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:33.440
<v Speaker 2>worry about a mortgage. And you got two hundred dollars.

0:16:33.440 --> 0:16:36.360
<v Speaker 2>But she's like, that was hard. She's like the first

0:16:36.680 --> 0:16:41.000
<v Speaker 2>part of it, it was hard. My sisters were used

0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:43.600
<v Speaker 2>to being provided, you know, having stuff for what they need,

0:16:43.600 --> 0:16:45.360
<v Speaker 2>and when my mom's like, I can't have they we

0:16:45.440 --> 0:16:51.560
<v Speaker 2>was like why not? Yeah, And they would get spoiled

0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:54.400
<v Speaker 2>by my dad, you know, with things that they needed.

0:16:54.440 --> 0:17:01.120
<v Speaker 1>So it's a bad position to be put in all around.

0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:10.040
<v Speaker 1>Even though you rose to fame at that young age

0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:13.320
<v Speaker 1>at seventeen, you sold millions of albums. You've worked with

0:17:13.359 --> 0:17:18.000
<v Speaker 1>some of the biggest players in the industry. You talk

0:17:18.119 --> 0:17:23.800
<v Speaker 1>about having imposter syndrome and being full of self doubt

0:17:23.840 --> 0:17:28.440
<v Speaker 1>and feeling intense worthlessness, and I'm seeing all the pieces

0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:31.800
<v Speaker 1>of the puzzle come together through you telling your story,

0:17:32.840 --> 0:17:37.119
<v Speaker 1>and I'm just I feel I feel so sad, but

0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:42.800
<v Speaker 1>at the same time so happy for the strength that

0:17:42.880 --> 0:17:47.000
<v Speaker 1>you've discovered in yourself through all of this.

0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:49.000
<v Speaker 2>Thank you.

0:17:49.640 --> 0:17:55.480
<v Speaker 1>I mean, what a journey. Do you still feel imposter syndrome?

0:17:55.520 --> 0:17:58.280
<v Speaker 1>Because I talk about that and I still feel it.

0:17:58.440 --> 0:17:58.879
<v Speaker 2>You feel it?

0:17:58.960 --> 0:17:59.879
<v Speaker 1>I feel it all the time.

0:18:00.119 --> 0:18:00.479
<v Speaker 2>Hmmm.

0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:04.240
<v Speaker 1>I feel like I have to fight those negative voices

0:18:04.880 --> 0:18:07.640
<v Speaker 1>in my own mind telling me that I'm not enough

0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:10.720
<v Speaker 1>for that somebody else is doing this better than me.

0:18:10.800 --> 0:18:14.959
<v Speaker 1>Why do I even bother? Do you still deal with

0:18:14.960 --> 0:18:15.720
<v Speaker 1>those thoughts?

0:18:15.800 --> 0:18:20.160
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, oh my gosh, all the time. And it's it's

0:18:20.160 --> 0:18:22.280
<v Speaker 2>hard because sometimes you want to treat yourself the way

0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:25.760
<v Speaker 2>when those negative thoughts come in. You want to give

0:18:25.800 --> 0:18:29.600
<v Speaker 2>yourself what you think you deserve. Like even if other

0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:33.840
<v Speaker 2>people are treating you well and think higher of yourself

0:18:33.880 --> 0:18:37.040
<v Speaker 2>than you do, and so they and you know they

0:18:37.119 --> 0:18:40.639
<v Speaker 2>treat you well and respectfully, and you tell yourself, I

0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:45.199
<v Speaker 2>don't deserve that. So you look for ways to sabotage

0:18:45.200 --> 0:18:48.880
<v Speaker 2>yourself even, yeah, because you believe that's what you deserve,

0:18:48.960 --> 0:18:51.800
<v Speaker 2>because you're like, I don't deserve this, this is and

0:18:52.160 --> 0:18:55.280
<v Speaker 2>someone else should be here. I totally relate when you

0:18:55.320 --> 0:18:55.960
<v Speaker 2>said that, and.

0:18:55.960 --> 0:18:58.520
<v Speaker 1>Then like you like you want to just blow the

0:18:58.520 --> 0:19:01.800
<v Speaker 1>house up. Like some times I feel like i'm things.

0:19:02.080 --> 0:19:06.520
<v Speaker 1>I feel so unworthy of all the fortune that I

0:19:06.560 --> 0:19:08.399
<v Speaker 1>have around me and the love that I have around me.

0:19:08.480 --> 0:19:10.240
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes I'm like I just need to burn this house

0:19:10.280 --> 0:19:13.480
<v Speaker 1>down because I don't I don't deserve this.

0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:20.960
<v Speaker 2>What what like? What what do you? Yeah? Why do

0:19:21.000 --> 0:19:24.000
<v Speaker 2>you feel like you don't deserve I don't know what

0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:24.560
<v Speaker 2>you have?

0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:27.320
<v Speaker 1>Do you do you understand it?

0:19:27.400 --> 0:19:33.640
<v Speaker 2>Like yeah, I yeah, I guess. I just wonder what

0:19:34.080 --> 0:19:37.159
<v Speaker 2>causes you to feel like to what you have, Like

0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:40.200
<v Speaker 2>you like you should even destroy what you have because

0:19:40.200 --> 0:19:41.280
<v Speaker 2>it's like I don't deserve this.

0:19:41.480 --> 0:19:45.719
<v Speaker 1>I think that's like there's some guilt for being famous,

0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:49.760
<v Speaker 1>some guilt for being the one in the family that

0:19:49.960 --> 0:19:54.080
<v Speaker 1>has success on the level that I do. Maybe you

0:19:54.080 --> 0:20:01.680
<v Speaker 1>can relate the guilt of having a good life when

0:20:01.720 --> 0:20:07.840
<v Speaker 1>others don't. Yeah, I think it's all about guilt and

0:20:07.960 --> 0:20:11.800
<v Speaker 1>shame and I know that shame is not something that

0:20:11.880 --> 0:20:17.040
<v Speaker 1>we should carry around because it's like the death of us.

0:20:18.000 --> 0:20:21.119
<v Speaker 1>It's interesting, I mean because I can work through it now,

0:20:21.359 --> 0:20:24.600
<v Speaker 1>like I have the tools from learning and being in

0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:29.920
<v Speaker 1>therapy and you know, really understanding that about myself, I can.

0:20:29.960 --> 0:20:33.560
<v Speaker 1>I'm able to in the moment handle it much differently

0:20:33.600 --> 0:20:35.200
<v Speaker 1>than I used to be able to and like give

0:20:35.240 --> 0:20:40.240
<v Speaker 1>myself grace and love myself even in those those thoughts

0:20:40.680 --> 0:20:43.880
<v Speaker 1>and then those thoughts sort of dissipate. But I do

0:20:43.920 --> 0:20:47.800
<v Speaker 1>think there's something there about like getting a certain level

0:20:47.800 --> 0:20:51.040
<v Speaker 1>of attention that other people don't get.

0:20:51.680 --> 0:20:55.000
<v Speaker 2>You know, maybe it's maybe it is like the universe's

0:20:55.080 --> 0:20:57.920
<v Speaker 2>way of saying keeping you in the hance that it's

0:20:58.000 --> 0:21:01.439
<v Speaker 2>like I don't want you to completely believe this, but

0:21:01.520 --> 0:21:04.000
<v Speaker 2>I do want to just bring you back over here

0:21:04.720 --> 0:21:06.840
<v Speaker 2>just so that you're in a more centered place of

0:21:07.160 --> 0:21:11.040
<v Speaker 2>life and as a human if anything, Because I think

0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:13.000
<v Speaker 2>we see a lot of people who who.

0:21:12.880 --> 0:21:15.479
<v Speaker 1>Do they buy it, They buy themselves.

0:21:15.000 --> 0:21:18.400
<v Speaker 2>They buy themselves, and I think it's just unhealthy. Yeah,

0:21:18.440 --> 0:21:21.919
<v Speaker 2>it's unhealthy in another way. So it may not be

0:21:21.960 --> 0:21:24.159
<v Speaker 2>fully healthy to experience shame at the amount that we

0:21:24.720 --> 0:21:29.160
<v Speaker 2>can feel. Beck Yeah, because I'm there have been times

0:21:29.160 --> 0:21:31.000
<v Speaker 2>where I'm like, I don't deserve this, so I'm not

0:21:31.880 --> 0:21:34.000
<v Speaker 2>people want you to do something, You're like, no, because

0:21:34.000 --> 0:21:37.560
<v Speaker 2>I don't deserve that. I don't deserve too. But it's like,

0:21:37.640 --> 0:21:39.040
<v Speaker 2>you know, if you look at it's like.

0:21:39.040 --> 0:21:42.000
<v Speaker 1>You're you got to think about all the accomplishments that

0:21:42.040 --> 0:21:44.120
<v Speaker 1>you've had in your life. I mean, even for you

0:21:44.880 --> 0:21:49.480
<v Speaker 1>after so many years of being closeted by your religion

0:21:49.920 --> 0:21:55.440
<v Speaker 1>and your faith and being told that who you love

0:21:55.520 --> 0:22:03.159
<v Speaker 1>is wrong. I mean, the that takes so much, so

0:22:03.840 --> 0:22:10.560
<v Speaker 1>much like depth and grit and just belief in yourself

0:22:10.600 --> 0:22:14.400
<v Speaker 1>and love for yourself to defy that and come out

0:22:14.760 --> 0:22:16.400
<v Speaker 1>and live your life the way you want to live it.

0:22:18.200 --> 0:22:22.919
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, if anything, it was like such an amazing It

0:22:23.000 --> 0:22:26.680
<v Speaker 2>was such a crummy place to be right before, because

0:22:26.680 --> 0:22:30.199
<v Speaker 2>you're at your lowest of lows, because you're realizing you

0:22:30.280 --> 0:22:36.080
<v Speaker 2>have to get jump over here in order to keep

0:22:37.280 --> 0:22:42.280
<v Speaker 2>continuing in life and as a person and to accept yourself.

0:22:42.400 --> 0:22:43.160
<v Speaker 1>That's a big leap.

0:22:43.400 --> 0:22:46.000
<v Speaker 2>But it's yeah, it's a big leap because you're at

0:22:46.040 --> 0:22:48.280
<v Speaker 2>such a low and you haven't learned how to make

0:22:48.280 --> 0:22:54.000
<v Speaker 2>that transition yet. You haven't found how to go. It's

0:22:54.040 --> 0:22:55.760
<v Speaker 2>like such an incline.

0:22:55.800 --> 0:22:59.160
<v Speaker 1>Maybe it's like about haven't discovered how to trust yourself

0:22:59.160 --> 0:23:05.240
<v Speaker 1>fully because you've never been given the opportunity to trust yourself,

0:23:05.760 --> 0:23:08.760
<v Speaker 1>because you've always had someone calling the shots.

0:23:08.960 --> 0:23:14.679
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and I willfully gave that away. I willfully became

0:23:14.760 --> 0:23:18.919
<v Speaker 2>a codependent person. There are parts about it being that

0:23:18.960 --> 0:23:22.320
<v Speaker 2>way that are easy. Yeah, it makes a lot of

0:23:22.320 --> 0:23:25.359
<v Speaker 2>other things a lot more tricky and difficult. But not

0:23:25.480 --> 0:23:27.600
<v Speaker 2>having to think of what am I supposed to do

0:23:27.720 --> 0:23:30.360
<v Speaker 2>and how do I do this? Now? It's nice if

0:23:30.400 --> 0:23:32.800
<v Speaker 2>someone else is doing it for you. But when it

0:23:32.840 --> 0:23:35.479
<v Speaker 2>came to the point where there was I saw a

0:23:35.480 --> 0:23:40.639
<v Speaker 2>conflict and tension between what was actually right for me

0:23:40.720 --> 0:23:43.879
<v Speaker 2>and where I needed to go and where my church

0:23:44.119 --> 0:23:46.560
<v Speaker 2>was my safety net and my guidelines. It told me

0:23:46.600 --> 0:23:49.320
<v Speaker 2>everything I could and couldn't do. It made life so

0:23:49.440 --> 0:23:52.800
<v Speaker 2>safe and easy. I didn't have to I didn't have

0:23:52.800 --> 0:23:55.280
<v Speaker 2>to think for myself in a lot of ways. But

0:23:55.440 --> 0:23:58.480
<v Speaker 2>with the sexuality is like, I'm not even thinking about it.

0:23:58.480 --> 0:24:02.280
<v Speaker 2>It's just there, you know, And I'm trying to follow

0:24:02.320 --> 0:24:04.840
<v Speaker 2>the rules they gave me, and it's actually not working

0:24:05.200 --> 0:24:05.600
<v Speaker 2>for me.

0:24:06.040 --> 0:24:15.679
<v Speaker 1>You tried, how are you as far as like going

0:24:15.720 --> 0:24:19.080
<v Speaker 1>through all that you've gone through and wanting to be

0:24:19.119 --> 0:24:21.959
<v Speaker 1>honest to yourself and live your life the way you

0:24:22.000 --> 0:24:23.960
<v Speaker 1>know you need to live your life. How are healthy

0:24:24.000 --> 0:24:27.800
<v Speaker 1>relationships for you now? At this stage, I.

0:24:27.720 --> 0:24:30.040
<v Speaker 2>Feel like I'm still trying to figure out what a

0:24:30.040 --> 0:24:34.680
<v Speaker 2>healthy relationship is and what it's like. Yeah, I've been

0:24:34.720 --> 0:24:38.480
<v Speaker 2>so used to toxic ones and unhealthy and very.

0:24:40.160 --> 0:24:43.280
<v Speaker 1>Uh what's it called inconsistent?

0:24:43.680 --> 0:24:49.919
<v Speaker 2>Inconsistent and all volatile? Thank you? Volatile relationships that I

0:24:49.960 --> 0:24:55.440
<v Speaker 2>don't it feels weird.

0:24:55.400 --> 0:24:58.080
<v Speaker 1>I keep it. This is the exact same thing I

0:24:58.080 --> 0:25:00.760
<v Speaker 1>told my husband. Really, it's like I don't know if

0:25:00.800 --> 0:25:04.159
<v Speaker 1>I can have a healthy relationship. First of all, I

0:25:04.200 --> 0:25:07.359
<v Speaker 1>don't know if I can because I clearly have a

0:25:07.440 --> 0:25:09.560
<v Speaker 1>pass that i've you know, failed a few times. Or

0:25:09.720 --> 0:25:12.760
<v Speaker 1>it's not that I failed, the relationship failed, but I

0:25:12.760 --> 0:25:16.720
<v Speaker 1>felt like, oh, this is so boring. Yeah, like we're

0:25:16.760 --> 0:25:19.600
<v Speaker 1>happy all the time, there's no drama. I need some drama.

0:25:20.359 --> 0:25:24.640
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Why. It's like you get so used to it

0:25:25.800 --> 0:25:28.639
<v Speaker 2>and like you get conditioned to have to experience it,

0:25:28.680 --> 0:25:29.479
<v Speaker 2>embrace yourself.

0:25:29.600 --> 0:25:31.959
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, like your nervous system is on the ready all

0:25:32.000 --> 0:25:32.280
<v Speaker 1>the time.

0:25:32.359 --> 0:25:34.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah that when it doesn't need to be on it.

0:25:34.840 --> 0:25:36.679
<v Speaker 2>It's like, this does not feel okay.

0:25:36.720 --> 0:25:38.400
<v Speaker 1>What do I do with all this time on my hands?

0:25:38.440 --> 0:25:40.400
<v Speaker 2>What am I supposed to do with myself? Like I've

0:25:40.960 --> 0:25:49.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm like ready to brace myself for this unsteadiness. I

0:25:49.320 --> 0:25:51.720
<v Speaker 2>can't do this. This is Yeah, it's so boring, it's

0:25:51.960 --> 0:25:55.800
<v Speaker 2>so uninteresting. I need some drama. I need I need

0:25:55.840 --> 0:25:58.720
<v Speaker 2>some tension. I need to feel something to push back on.

0:25:59.680 --> 0:26:01.600
<v Speaker 2>I don't know how to get out of that mindset,

0:26:02.160 --> 0:26:04.040
<v Speaker 2>because if it's not there, then I'll create it.

0:26:04.200 --> 0:26:05.359
<v Speaker 1>You'll create it for sure.

0:26:05.400 --> 0:26:06.240
<v Speaker 2>Oh it sucks.

0:26:06.800 --> 0:26:09.640
<v Speaker 1>I did that for a long time. Yeah, I did

0:26:09.640 --> 0:26:12.240
<v Speaker 1>that until I just got tired of doing it.

0:26:12.359 --> 0:26:16.720
<v Speaker 2>Really, Yeah, I hope I get tired of it. You

0:26:16.760 --> 0:26:18.680
<v Speaker 2>will feel like I have too much energy right now.

0:26:18.840 --> 0:26:20.680
<v Speaker 2>That's why I go to these raves and to dance.

0:26:20.760 --> 0:26:23.800
<v Speaker 2>I have to dance with it out, dance it out. Yeah,

0:26:23.880 --> 0:26:25.800
<v Speaker 2>it's like I feel like it's a really healthy way

0:26:25.880 --> 0:26:28.240
<v Speaker 2>to get my adrenaline rush.

0:26:28.359 --> 0:26:29.360
<v Speaker 1>But you rave.

0:26:31.200 --> 0:26:33.160
<v Speaker 2>That I love you even more right now.

0:26:33.320 --> 0:26:37.400
<v Speaker 1>Really, just go and dance and sweat and don't care

0:26:37.440 --> 0:26:38.520
<v Speaker 1>about anything else.

0:26:39.480 --> 0:26:42.560
<v Speaker 2>It's amazing. Have you ever been when.

0:26:42.440 --> 0:26:45.040
<v Speaker 1>I was younger? Go to dance clubs, and I would

0:26:45.080 --> 0:26:49.000
<v Speaker 1>go to Lesbian Dance club so that men weren't, you know,

0:26:49.560 --> 0:26:50.159
<v Speaker 1>raying on me.

0:26:51.040 --> 0:26:51.720
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god.

0:26:52.000 --> 0:26:54.800
<v Speaker 1>And I was just amongst my female friends and we

0:26:54.840 --> 0:26:55.800
<v Speaker 1>would just dance.

0:26:56.400 --> 0:26:58.880
<v Speaker 2>That's awesome. Oh my god, that's amazing.

0:26:58.920 --> 0:27:00.480
<v Speaker 1>Where do you rave? I want to know, is there

0:27:00.800 --> 0:27:01.720
<v Speaker 1>certain clubs that you.

0:27:01.680 --> 0:27:05.320
<v Speaker 2>Go to or yeah, they have you should go to

0:27:05.400 --> 0:27:10.120
<v Speaker 2>DJ sets. So there's a few locations in LA. There's

0:27:10.160 --> 0:27:15.840
<v Speaker 2>one Academy that's in Hollywood. There's Sound, there's Exchange. Those

0:27:15.920 --> 0:27:19.040
<v Speaker 2>I think are like the three main ones. Insomniac There's

0:27:19.160 --> 0:27:23.160
<v Speaker 2>there's a whole company called Insomniac Events and they put

0:27:23.160 --> 0:27:25.560
<v Speaker 2>them on. They have those three venues. I think those

0:27:25.560 --> 0:27:28.320
<v Speaker 2>are three venues they have, and then they have festivals

0:27:28.720 --> 0:27:30.520
<v Speaker 2>and I I was just that one that they're that

0:27:30.560 --> 0:27:36.399
<v Speaker 2>they threw called DC Electric Electric Daisy Carnival. It's like huge,

0:27:36.480 --> 0:27:38.879
<v Speaker 2>It's I don't know how many hundreds of thousands of

0:27:38.920 --> 0:27:40.680
<v Speaker 2>people are there, but it's amazing.

0:27:41.000 --> 0:27:41.600
<v Speaker 1>You were there.

0:27:42.040 --> 0:27:45.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so fun. I'm camping, so I have my camp.

0:27:47.400 --> 0:27:50.920
<v Speaker 1>That is amazing and we do dance crazy just like

0:27:50.960 --> 0:27:53.280
<v Speaker 1>nobody's watching. Yeah, because nobody is.

0:27:54.119 --> 0:27:57.200
<v Speaker 2>It's amazing and everyone else is dancing to such grave vibes.

0:27:57.600 --> 0:27:58.960
<v Speaker 1>Do you think music saved you?

0:28:00.560 --> 0:28:03.560
<v Speaker 2>Music saved me? I feel like I don't know what

0:28:03.600 --> 0:28:08.360
<v Speaker 2>life is like without it, So I just music is

0:28:09.119 --> 0:28:11.600
<v Speaker 2>just a part of life for me. It really is

0:28:11.600 --> 0:28:12.399
<v Speaker 2>is life giving.

0:28:12.600 --> 0:28:17.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean you came in here singing today? Oh

0:28:17.440 --> 0:28:18.760
<v Speaker 1>did I? Yeah?

0:28:19.200 --> 0:28:23.600
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, yeah, we were singing. We're singing get ready

0:28:24.840 --> 0:28:25.679
<v Speaker 2>for a night to remember?

0:28:25.880 --> 0:28:27.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah? Yeah, I can't remember it now.

0:28:27.520 --> 0:28:30.120
<v Speaker 2>Or was that the one no, no no, I was singing, honey,

0:28:30.359 --> 0:28:34.760
<v Speaker 2>he can do it? Take your time, do right? Yeah?

0:28:34.800 --> 0:28:38.560
<v Speaker 1>I love it. You dedicated your book. I'm going to

0:28:38.640 --> 0:28:42.520
<v Speaker 1>quote it to those leaving behind a world that was

0:28:42.560 --> 0:28:45.240
<v Speaker 1>once all they knew for the hope of a better

0:28:45.320 --> 0:28:50.640
<v Speaker 1>life and a better version of themselves. That is a

0:28:50.880 --> 0:28:54.200
<v Speaker 1>very huge I Choose me declaration, not just for yourself,

0:28:54.240 --> 0:28:58.760
<v Speaker 1>but really wanting that for other people. Is that why

0:28:58.760 --> 0:28:59.440
<v Speaker 1>you wrote the book?

0:29:00.400 --> 0:29:04.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah? Absolutely, that's like that was like the perfect little

0:29:06.960 --> 0:29:09.280
<v Speaker 2>assuming summary to all.

0:29:11.560 --> 0:29:14.200
<v Speaker 1>Well, I'm really glad you wrote this book. David's New

0:29:14.360 --> 0:29:20.440
<v Speaker 1>York Times best selling book, Devout is available everywhere books

0:29:20.440 --> 0:29:24.840
<v Speaker 1>are found. But before I let you go, David Archiletta,

0:29:25.720 --> 0:29:29.320
<v Speaker 1>what was your last I Choose me moment?

0:29:31.880 --> 0:29:37.120
<v Speaker 2>My last I Choose me moment was probably I mean this,

0:29:38.400 --> 0:29:41.120
<v Speaker 2>you know this rave I went to because I have

0:29:41.160 --> 0:29:44.560
<v Speaker 2>to say, hey that nope, this nothing is on the calendar.

0:29:44.880 --> 0:29:48.720
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to just take some me time, kind of

0:29:48.760 --> 0:29:52.040
<v Speaker 2>go connect with other humans and dance my little highe

0:29:52.160 --> 0:29:58.600
<v Speaker 2>off and just feel the rhythm and be free, be free.

0:29:58.960 --> 0:30:02.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, oh my god, I love that for you. Thank you,

0:30:03.000 --> 0:30:05.720
<v Speaker 1>thanks David, Thank you so much for joining me.

0:30:05.800 --> 0:30:06.120
<v Speaker 2>David.

0:30:06.960 --> 0:30:09.959
<v Speaker 1>Oh my gosh, what a treat. David's New York Times

0:30:10.040 --> 0:30:15.520
<v Speaker 1>best selling book, Devout, is available everywhere books are found.

0:30:15.560 --> 0:30:16.560
<v Speaker 1>Definitely pick it up.