1 00:00:15,476 --> 00:00:23,596 Speaker 1: Pushkin. When it comes to raising kids, most of us 2 00:00:23,596 --> 00:00:27,396 Speaker 1: are familiar with the traditional reward and punishment podel. Your 3 00:00:27,396 --> 00:00:31,076 Speaker 1: toddler throws a tantrum, time out, your teenager breaks curfew, 4 00:00:31,196 --> 00:00:34,316 Speaker 1: They're grounded. But is this really the best way to 5 00:00:34,396 --> 00:00:37,916 Speaker 1: raise happy, healthy adults. On today's episode of our special 6 00:00:37,956 --> 00:00:41,236 Speaker 1: series on Happier Parenting, le'll meet an expert who's convinced 7 00:00:41,276 --> 00:00:42,036 Speaker 1: we can do better. 8 00:00:42,316 --> 00:00:46,396 Speaker 2: I'm doctor Becky Kennedy. I'm a clinical psychologist, i am 9 00:00:46,396 --> 00:00:49,316 Speaker 2: a mom of three, and i am the founder of 10 00:00:49,356 --> 00:00:50,076 Speaker 2: Good Inside. 11 00:00:50,356 --> 00:00:53,796 Speaker 1: Good Inside is a company that offers simple, actionable strategies 12 00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:57,516 Speaker 1: for parents struggling with their kids challenging behavior. It's also 13 00:00:57,596 --> 00:01:00,356 Speaker 1: the title of doctor Becky's best selling book and the 14 00:01:00,476 --> 00:01:02,436 Speaker 1: name of her popular parenting podcast. 15 00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:04,116 Speaker 2: Doctor Becky's work. 16 00:01:03,956 --> 00:01:06,556 Speaker 1: Is rooted in the belief that every child is quote 17 00:01:06,636 --> 00:01:09,756 Speaker 1: good inside, even when they're acting out. And while our 18 00:01:09,796 --> 00:01:12,596 Speaker 1: instinct might be to lecture, yell, or take away privileges 19 00:01:12,636 --> 00:01:15,436 Speaker 1: when our child acts out, doctor Becky thinks we need 20 00:01:15,516 --> 00:01:18,236 Speaker 1: to be a little bit grateful in those moments because 21 00:01:18,276 --> 00:01:22,356 Speaker 1: she sees meltdowns and rule breaking as signals important clues 22 00:01:22,396 --> 00:01:25,516 Speaker 1: that point to an underlying problem, which needs to be understood, 23 00:01:25,876 --> 00:01:28,716 Speaker 1: not punished. Now does that mean that doctor Becky wants 24 00:01:28,796 --> 00:01:32,076 Speaker 1: us to condone bad behavior. No, but she does believe 25 00:01:32,116 --> 00:01:33,996 Speaker 1: there's a better way to respond. 26 00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:37,396 Speaker 2: When a kid hits, when they're whining, when they never listen. 27 00:01:37,676 --> 00:01:40,876 Speaker 2: No part of me is like, oh, that's amazing, that's 28 00:01:40,916 --> 00:01:44,916 Speaker 2: your kid's natural expression of their feelings. We should celebrate. 29 00:01:45,196 --> 00:01:45,236 Speaker 1: No. 30 00:01:45,916 --> 00:01:49,636 Speaker 2: I always say the right answer is often between two extremes. 31 00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:52,676 Speaker 2: And if one extreme is you see behavior that's bad, 32 00:01:53,116 --> 00:01:55,556 Speaker 2: and then what we do is we kind of unconsciously 33 00:01:55,596 --> 00:01:59,716 Speaker 2: assume our child is bad. That is why we send 34 00:01:59,756 --> 00:02:03,916 Speaker 2: them away. That would bring a punishment based approach. I'm 35 00:02:03,956 --> 00:02:07,236 Speaker 2: not such a fan. What I think is really powerful 36 00:02:07,996 --> 00:02:11,836 Speaker 2: is if we see our kid's bad behavior as a 37 00:02:11,876 --> 00:02:15,996 Speaker 2: sign of what they need. And again, that doesn't mean 38 00:02:16,076 --> 00:02:19,916 Speaker 2: behavior is okay. But if I always drop my phone 39 00:02:20,036 --> 00:02:23,476 Speaker 2: and it shattered, that might be a sign I need 40 00:02:23,916 --> 00:02:27,796 Speaker 2: a phone protector. Case. That doesn't mean it's okay that 41 00:02:27,836 --> 00:02:30,916 Speaker 2: I drop my phone. It actually means I have a 42 00:02:30,956 --> 00:02:33,876 Speaker 2: way of fixing the problem. So if you see your 43 00:02:33,956 --> 00:02:37,676 Speaker 2: kids hitting a sibling, for example, as a sign of 44 00:02:37,716 --> 00:02:41,836 Speaker 2: what they might need, you're gonna activate curiosity. You're gonna 45 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,716 Speaker 2: end up asking yourself different questions. Instead of saying, what 46 00:02:44,836 --> 00:02:47,796 Speaker 2: is wrong with my kid, we'd say to ourselves instead, 47 00:02:47,916 --> 00:02:49,836 Speaker 2: I wonder what was going on for my kid right 48 00:02:49,876 --> 00:02:53,956 Speaker 2: before they hit? I wonder what skill my kid would 49 00:02:54,076 --> 00:02:57,956 Speaker 2: need to manage the frustration of sharing a toy with 50 00:02:57,996 --> 00:03:01,796 Speaker 2: their sibling, but not have that frustration come out as 51 00:03:01,836 --> 00:03:04,036 Speaker 2: a hit. Makes me think about the difference in a 52 00:03:04,076 --> 00:03:07,116 Speaker 2: basketball code saying why is my player missing all their layups? Why? 53 00:03:07,156 --> 00:03:08,876 Speaker 2: You know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna send them 54 00:03:08,916 --> 00:03:09,276 Speaker 2: to their. 55 00:03:09,436 --> 00:03:11,396 Speaker 1: I'm gonna make them do laps around the court over 56 00:03:11,476 --> 00:03:13,596 Speaker 1: and over again till they figure out yeah. 57 00:03:13,556 --> 00:03:15,956 Speaker 2: Versus a coach that says, wait a second, what is 58 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,476 Speaker 2: getting in my player's way of making a layup? What 59 00:03:18,516 --> 00:03:20,836 Speaker 2: skill would they need? And then when can we practice? 60 00:03:20,876 --> 00:03:22,316 Speaker 2: Ooh tomorrow, I'm going to get them in the gym 61 00:03:22,316 --> 00:03:24,836 Speaker 2: and I'm gonna really look at their form, and I'm saying, oh, 62 00:03:24,916 --> 00:03:27,396 Speaker 2: I figured it out. Okay, I'm going to teach them 63 00:03:27,436 --> 00:03:30,316 Speaker 2: something new, and then I'm going to practice something new. 64 00:03:30,716 --> 00:03:32,636 Speaker 2: And I don't think any of us would say, oh 65 00:03:32,716 --> 00:03:36,836 Speaker 2: my goodness, Becky, what a permissive basketball coach. I mean 66 00:03:36,836 --> 00:03:39,476 Speaker 2: that coach is basically saying it's okay to misshots. It's 67 00:03:39,516 --> 00:03:42,236 Speaker 2: so crazy. No, we would say, what a great coach. 68 00:03:42,476 --> 00:03:46,476 Speaker 2: They're using quote bad behavior as a sign of what 69 00:03:46,636 --> 00:03:49,796 Speaker 2: might be going on. Then they can understand what's going on. 70 00:03:50,156 --> 00:03:53,316 Speaker 2: Then they can build a new skill and practice and boom, 71 00:03:53,556 --> 00:03:57,796 Speaker 2: the behavior actually improves. So that's what the good side 72 00:03:57,836 --> 00:04:01,236 Speaker 2: approach is all about. But not for basketball, but for kids' behavior. 73 00:04:01,516 --> 00:04:02,956 Speaker 2: I love this approach for two reasons. 74 00:04:02,956 --> 00:04:05,236 Speaker 1: What is it really touches on something that we talk 75 00:04:05,276 --> 00:04:07,916 Speaker 1: about a lot, which is this idea of growth mindset? Right, 76 00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:10,116 Speaker 1: Your kid is not fixed, their behavior is not fixed. 77 00:04:10,156 --> 00:04:12,596 Speaker 1: The goal is skills learning. But it's also kind of 78 00:04:12,636 --> 00:04:16,076 Speaker 1: putting the parent's role into kind of like the light. 79 00:04:16,356 --> 00:04:18,796 Speaker 1: In some ways, you are kind of coaching your kids, 80 00:04:18,836 --> 00:04:22,636 Speaker 1: hopefully towards skills, building towards better emotional regulation, towards better 81 00:04:22,676 --> 00:04:25,076 Speaker 1: behavior over time. And I know this is something that 82 00:04:25,076 --> 00:04:27,156 Speaker 1: you've talked about a lot, right, this idea that parents 83 00:04:27,196 --> 00:04:30,596 Speaker 1: need to know what their role is. From your perspective, 84 00:04:30,636 --> 00:04:32,796 Speaker 1: what's the parent's role and how should they be thinking 85 00:04:32,836 --> 00:04:33,316 Speaker 1: about it? 86 00:04:33,676 --> 00:04:35,316 Speaker 2: I love you for so many reasons, but I love 87 00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:38,476 Speaker 2: you for asking that question. No, this whole thing about 88 00:04:38,516 --> 00:04:41,076 Speaker 2: what is a parent's role? What is a parent's job. 89 00:04:41,476 --> 00:04:44,356 Speaker 2: It came from years in private practice where parents would 90 00:04:44,356 --> 00:04:46,956 Speaker 2: come to me about a variety of things, the tantrums, 91 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:49,876 Speaker 2: the rudeness, the clinging, even though they know everyone at 92 00:04:49,876 --> 00:04:52,636 Speaker 2: the birthday party, whatever it is. And I'd always say 93 00:04:52,956 --> 00:04:55,956 Speaker 2: to a parent, what is your job in that tricky situation? 94 00:04:56,476 --> 00:04:59,396 Speaker 2: And they'd always say the same thing, I don't know, 95 00:05:00,156 --> 00:05:02,916 Speaker 2: just tell me what to do. That's why I'm big 96 00:05:02,916 --> 00:05:05,956 Speaker 2: on metaphors like imagine going to an office on the 97 00:05:05,956 --> 00:05:08,076 Speaker 2: first day of your job and your boss saying, do 98 00:05:08,156 --> 00:05:10,836 Speaker 2: your job well, and then you look and you realize 99 00:05:10,956 --> 00:05:13,116 Speaker 2: I don't have a job description. And by the way, 100 00:05:13,196 --> 00:05:14,916 Speaker 2: I don't know what that person next to me does 101 00:05:14,956 --> 00:05:17,436 Speaker 2: and where their job starts and ends and my job 102 00:05:17,516 --> 00:05:20,156 Speaker 2: starts and ends. I feel like in that position, that 103 00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:22,636 Speaker 2: person would say, how could I do my job well 104 00:05:23,076 --> 00:05:26,796 Speaker 2: if I don't know what my job is. Knowing what 105 00:05:26,836 --> 00:05:30,436 Speaker 2: your job is with complete clarity is a precondition to 106 00:05:30,516 --> 00:05:34,036 Speaker 2: doing any job well. And so when it comes to parenting, 107 00:05:34,556 --> 00:05:36,716 Speaker 2: we have to change our first question to what is 108 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,676 Speaker 2: my job? And I'll give you a definition that actually 109 00:05:39,716 --> 00:05:42,916 Speaker 2: works for any situation. In my mind, a parent always 110 00:05:42,996 --> 00:05:48,196 Speaker 2: has two jobs. One is setting boundaries and the second 111 00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:53,036 Speaker 2: is connecting to your kid's lived experience, which is another 112 00:05:53,076 --> 00:05:56,716 Speaker 2: way of saying validating their feelings. And let me explain both. 113 00:05:56,756 --> 00:06:00,516 Speaker 2: Because these jobs work in tandem, Let's start with boundaries. 114 00:06:01,036 --> 00:06:05,836 Speaker 2: Boundaries are key decisions we make, their limits we set, 115 00:06:06,156 --> 00:06:10,676 Speaker 2: and boundaries really ensure that we keep our kids safe. 116 00:06:10,876 --> 00:06:13,396 Speaker 2: The reason we set a boundary around TV time is 117 00:06:13,396 --> 00:06:15,996 Speaker 2: because we don't think it's great or safe for a 118 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:19,276 Speaker 2: kid to watch TV three hours after their bedtime. The 119 00:06:19,396 --> 00:06:22,956 Speaker 2: reason I hold my kid when they're crossing the street, 120 00:06:23,276 --> 00:06:26,956 Speaker 2: when they're flailing and saying let me go, isn't because 121 00:06:26,956 --> 00:06:28,836 Speaker 2: I want to have control over my kid. It's because 122 00:06:28,836 --> 00:06:30,796 Speaker 2: I want to keep them safe and they're not exactly 123 00:06:30,836 --> 00:06:33,196 Speaker 2: in the right mind streets to be crossing the street. 124 00:06:33,556 --> 00:06:37,356 Speaker 2: Those are boundaries. Now, to be clear, kids have one 125 00:06:37,436 --> 00:06:40,436 Speaker 2: reaction to boundaries. Not happy. 126 00:06:40,716 --> 00:06:43,036 Speaker 1: To be fair, it's not kids right like when people 127 00:06:43,076 --> 00:06:45,436 Speaker 1: set boundaries to me, I'm not like super thrilled about 128 00:06:45,436 --> 00:06:46,076 Speaker 1: that either. 129 00:06:46,316 --> 00:06:49,716 Speaker 2: One hundred percent. A boundary is really a way of 130 00:06:49,756 --> 00:06:53,396 Speaker 2: saying to someone else, you want something, and I'm saying no. 131 00:06:53,396 --> 00:06:57,676 Speaker 2: Nobody likes having their desires thwarted, nobody does well. So 132 00:06:57,716 --> 00:07:00,516 Speaker 2: when you set a boundary, and this is so important 133 00:07:00,756 --> 00:07:04,836 Speaker 2: because we have some unconscious belief in me too that 134 00:07:04,996 --> 00:07:07,036 Speaker 2: like I'm going to set some really good boundary for 135 00:07:07,076 --> 00:07:09,436 Speaker 2: my kid, my kid's going to be like that is 136 00:07:09,436 --> 00:07:11,876 Speaker 2: amazing parenting mom. Thank you, I do need to go 137 00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:14,596 Speaker 2: to bed. Thank you for turning on the TV. Never, 138 00:07:15,076 --> 00:07:16,956 Speaker 2: no child in my house or any child I know 139 00:07:16,956 --> 00:07:19,636 Speaker 2: who's normal, has ever said that when you set a boundary, 140 00:07:19,636 --> 00:07:22,476 Speaker 2: which is part one of your job, your kid actually 141 00:07:22,556 --> 00:07:25,876 Speaker 2: does their job. They feel their feelings. And I know 142 00:07:25,916 --> 00:07:28,836 Speaker 2: that's an inconvenient truth, but the reason that's our kid's 143 00:07:28,956 --> 00:07:32,636 Speaker 2: job is kids can't develop skills to manage feelings they 144 00:07:32,716 --> 00:07:34,956 Speaker 2: don't allow themselves to have. And so if you want 145 00:07:34,956 --> 00:07:37,036 Speaker 2: your kid to be an adult who can manage frustration 146 00:07:37,116 --> 00:07:39,596 Speaker 2: and anger and not be a thirty year old who 147 00:07:39,596 --> 00:07:41,596 Speaker 2: acts like a two year old, then you want your 148 00:07:41,676 --> 00:07:44,076 Speaker 2: kid to feel all the feelings when they're two and 149 00:07:44,196 --> 00:07:47,236 Speaker 2: not three. I say TV time's over, I turn it off. 150 00:07:47,476 --> 00:07:49,716 Speaker 2: My kid does not say thank you. They say why 151 00:07:49,796 --> 00:07:51,516 Speaker 2: and all my friends get more screen time and you're 152 00:07:51,556 --> 00:07:54,476 Speaker 2: the worst, YadA YadA yadda, And now it's actually amazing. 153 00:07:54,796 --> 00:07:57,756 Speaker 2: I can do part two of my job. I validate 154 00:07:57,836 --> 00:08:01,036 Speaker 2: the feelings they have, which would sound like this, Oh, 155 00:08:01,116 --> 00:08:04,156 Speaker 2: you really wish you could watch TV, or oh, it's 156 00:08:04,196 --> 00:08:06,476 Speaker 2: the worst when you're watching a show and you can't 157 00:08:06,476 --> 00:08:09,796 Speaker 2: finish it because TV time is up, or oh I 158 00:08:09,876 --> 00:08:12,036 Speaker 2: really eat when my TV time is over too. I 159 00:08:12,196 --> 00:08:15,036 Speaker 2: get it. What I'm doing, and this is really important 160 00:08:15,436 --> 00:08:19,996 Speaker 2: is I'm seeing my kid's feelings as real. I don't 161 00:08:19,996 --> 00:08:22,196 Speaker 2: have to agree with them. I don't have to think 162 00:08:22,236 --> 00:08:25,956 Speaker 2: the extent or intensity of the feeling is right or wrong. 163 00:08:26,076 --> 00:08:28,996 Speaker 2: It just is. I'm seeing it as real. And there's 164 00:08:29,036 --> 00:08:31,916 Speaker 2: a wash rinse for pea. I set a boundary. I 165 00:08:31,916 --> 00:08:34,916 Speaker 2: think this is right. My kid gets upset, I validate 166 00:08:34,956 --> 00:08:37,956 Speaker 2: the feeling. And then this is important because parents say, 167 00:08:38,196 --> 00:08:40,676 Speaker 2: oh so, then just because my kid's upset, they get 168 00:08:40,716 --> 00:08:41,636 Speaker 2: to watch another show. 169 00:08:42,276 --> 00:08:42,316 Speaker 1: No. 170 00:08:43,116 --> 00:08:46,876 Speaker 2: Validating feelings goes hand in hand with holding your boundaries. 171 00:08:46,916 --> 00:08:50,236 Speaker 2: So another example, hay sweety, it's time to leave the park. 172 00:08:50,636 --> 00:08:52,316 Speaker 2: My kid is gonna say no, I want to stay 173 00:08:52,356 --> 00:08:54,316 Speaker 2: in the park. I might say something of them like, look, 174 00:08:54,356 --> 00:08:56,356 Speaker 2: if it's too hard to walk to the car, I 175 00:08:56,396 --> 00:08:59,076 Speaker 2: will pick you up and carry you because it's really 176 00:08:59,156 --> 00:09:01,636 Speaker 2: time to go. Okay, maybe your kid listens, then maybe 177 00:09:01,676 --> 00:09:03,996 Speaker 2: they don't. If they don't pick them up, what is 178 00:09:03,996 --> 00:09:06,236 Speaker 2: a kid gonna do. They're gonna kick and scream. And 179 00:09:06,516 --> 00:09:08,956 Speaker 2: as I carry my kid to the car, I'm going 180 00:09:08,996 --> 00:09:11,596 Speaker 2: to the other part of my job. Oh it stinks 181 00:09:11,636 --> 00:09:13,916 Speaker 2: to leave before you want. You probably wish you were 182 00:09:13,916 --> 00:09:16,316 Speaker 2: an adult and can make all your own decisions. I 183 00:09:16,396 --> 00:09:19,436 Speaker 2: get that leaving the park is so hard, but I 184 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,596 Speaker 2: am not bringing them back to the park. I am 185 00:09:21,636 --> 00:09:24,196 Speaker 2: saying that while I'm carrying them in a sturdy way 186 00:09:24,436 --> 00:09:29,036 Speaker 2: to the car. And that job boundaries validation. That's always 187 00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:30,836 Speaker 2: an orienting principle. I come back to. 188 00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:32,916 Speaker 1: There's something else you said about the boundaries that I 189 00:09:32,956 --> 00:09:35,316 Speaker 1: think is really important, because I think sometimes when parents 190 00:09:35,316 --> 00:09:37,356 Speaker 1: said a boundary, they think it's like they're telling their 191 00:09:37,396 --> 00:09:40,356 Speaker 1: kid what to do, like stop with the TV. But 192 00:09:40,356 --> 00:09:42,636 Speaker 1: you've algae that a boundary works a little bit differently. 193 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:45,356 Speaker 1: It has that part, but it's actually something else. What 194 00:09:45,476 --> 00:09:46,316 Speaker 1: is the something else? 195 00:09:46,876 --> 00:09:49,236 Speaker 2: All the time I hear from parents, and honestly I 196 00:09:49,236 --> 00:09:52,636 Speaker 2: hear from nonparents, just adults. My mother in law does 197 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:56,076 Speaker 2: not respect my boundaries. My kid does not listen to 198 00:09:56,116 --> 00:09:59,036 Speaker 2: my boundaries. Let me share my definition of boundaries and 199 00:09:59,036 --> 00:10:01,396 Speaker 2: then we can hear together why those things don't really 200 00:10:01,396 --> 00:10:04,956 Speaker 2: make sense. First, a boundary is something I tell someone 201 00:10:05,116 --> 00:10:08,316 Speaker 2: I will do and it requires the other person to 202 00:10:08,436 --> 00:10:11,836 Speaker 2: do nothing. So over and over I hear frustration from 203 00:10:11,916 --> 00:10:14,196 Speaker 2: parents my kids don't respect my boundaries. And I'll say, 204 00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:17,116 Speaker 2: tell me about a boundary you set and they say, oh, no, 205 00:10:17,276 --> 00:10:19,476 Speaker 2: jumping on the couch. My kid is jumping on the couch. 206 00:10:19,516 --> 00:10:22,476 Speaker 2: And I look at them and I say, stop jumping 207 00:10:22,516 --> 00:10:24,236 Speaker 2: on the couch. We don't do that. And then we 208 00:10:24,276 --> 00:10:26,716 Speaker 2: look at that kind of definition. Did you tell your 209 00:10:26,796 --> 00:10:30,076 Speaker 2: kids something you will do? And they say no? Does 210 00:10:30,116 --> 00:10:34,076 Speaker 2: the success of your boundary require your kid to do nothing? No? 211 00:10:34,716 --> 00:10:36,996 Speaker 2: And this is like an aha moment where they're like, 212 00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:39,356 Speaker 2: am I not setting a boundary? But there's no, You're not. 213 00:10:39,436 --> 00:10:42,076 Speaker 2: You're making a request and we have to make requests 214 00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:45,876 Speaker 2: all the time. But requests are boundaries. This is a boundary. 215 00:10:45,916 --> 00:10:48,076 Speaker 2: And this is why I always say good inside parenting. 216 00:10:48,716 --> 00:10:51,236 Speaker 2: It's sturdy. It's not gentle. And I don't mind the 217 00:10:51,236 --> 00:10:54,076 Speaker 2: word gentle. Everyone's like, is it gentle? I just think 218 00:10:54,276 --> 00:10:58,076 Speaker 2: the words we use have a power to evoke different 219 00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,876 Speaker 2: parts of us. I know, for me, I'm not really 220 00:11:00,916 --> 00:11:04,156 Speaker 2: accessing being gentle. I'm not accessing being harsh. I'm doing 221 00:11:04,156 --> 00:11:08,236 Speaker 2: the thing in the middle. I'm being sturdy. Here's a boundary. Hey, sweetie, 222 00:11:08,316 --> 00:11:10,356 Speaker 2: I need to get off the cat. They look at 223 00:11:10,356 --> 00:11:11,756 Speaker 2: me and keep jumping because I have one of those 224 00:11:11,836 --> 00:11:14,556 Speaker 2: kids too. This is a boundary. I'm gonna walk over 225 00:11:14,636 --> 00:11:17,036 Speaker 2: to you, and if by the time I get there 226 00:11:17,396 --> 00:11:19,636 Speaker 2: it's still too hard to get off the couch, I 227 00:11:19,676 --> 00:11:21,916 Speaker 2: will put my arms around you. I will place you 228 00:11:21,996 --> 00:11:24,956 Speaker 2: on the ground and I'll show you a safer place 229 00:11:24,996 --> 00:11:27,796 Speaker 2: to jump that's not right in front of our class table. Okay, 230 00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:30,396 Speaker 2: to be clear, when I go to pick up my kid, 231 00:11:30,436 --> 00:11:33,796 Speaker 2: would you better bet I'm gonna do again. My kid's 232 00:11:33,796 --> 00:11:36,356 Speaker 2: gonna say, give me one more chance, two more jumps. 233 00:11:36,476 --> 00:11:39,156 Speaker 2: I don't want to get off. You're so mean. Does 234 00:11:39,196 --> 00:11:41,316 Speaker 2: it matter? My boundary is what I do. It's an 235 00:11:41,356 --> 00:11:45,636 Speaker 2: embodiment of my authority. My kid's gonna probably try to 236 00:11:45,676 --> 00:11:48,516 Speaker 2: make a dodge back to the couch. What they're saying is, 237 00:11:48,796 --> 00:11:51,356 Speaker 2: am I more powerful than you are? You gonna let 238 00:11:51,396 --> 00:11:53,916 Speaker 2: me override the cockpit and be in charge. And they 239 00:11:53,956 --> 00:11:56,116 Speaker 2: need to test that because actually they need to know 240 00:11:56,156 --> 00:11:59,596 Speaker 2: that we are the sturdy pilot who will not let 241 00:11:59,596 --> 00:12:02,436 Speaker 2: them pilot complain, especially not when they're in that state. 242 00:12:02,676 --> 00:12:04,756 Speaker 2: And then I would block my kid. And then that 243 00:12:04,836 --> 00:12:07,636 Speaker 2: other part, Oh, it's no fun to jump on the floor. 244 00:12:07,676 --> 00:12:09,556 Speaker 2: You wish you could jump on the couch. Oh, I 245 00:12:09,636 --> 00:12:12,876 Speaker 2: get that. That is absolutely not an option. Ugh, And 246 00:12:12,956 --> 00:12:16,276 Speaker 2: I guess those are your choices. No jumping anywhere or 247 00:12:16,396 --> 00:12:18,916 Speaker 2: jump somewhere less fun. That's so tricky. I have a 248 00:12:18,956 --> 00:12:21,276 Speaker 2: feeling you're going to figure it out. That to me 249 00:12:21,396 --> 00:12:23,716 Speaker 2: is the essence of boundary setting, and that, to me 250 00:12:23,836 --> 00:12:27,036 Speaker 2: is the essence of real sturdiness. And so when parents 251 00:12:27,076 --> 00:12:30,756 Speaker 2: say you're not punishing your kids, you're just raising snowflakes, 252 00:12:30,756 --> 00:12:33,516 Speaker 2: I'm like, go watch me in action. You are sorely, 253 00:12:33,876 --> 00:12:34,876 Speaker 2: sorely mistaken. 254 00:12:35,116 --> 00:12:37,676 Speaker 1: But this gets to I think another misconception parents have 255 00:12:37,796 --> 00:12:40,156 Speaker 1: about the kind of second part, the sort of validating 256 00:12:40,196 --> 00:12:43,036 Speaker 1: the emotion's part, because I think sometimes parents think that 257 00:12:43,036 --> 00:12:45,076 Speaker 1: that requires them to be the kind of so called 258 00:12:45,156 --> 00:12:49,996 Speaker 1: happiness police, that something about managing kids' safety requires managing 259 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:53,556 Speaker 1: emotional safety. But you've sort of pushed back against the 260 00:12:53,596 --> 00:12:56,316 Speaker 1: happiest police idea. Why is it that we have to 261 00:12:56,436 --> 00:12:57,276 Speaker 1: kind of allow our. 262 00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:00,236 Speaker 2: Kids to go through these moments of discomfort? Oh? Yes, 263 00:13:00,676 --> 00:13:03,116 Speaker 2: you know. These are one of these moments where I'll 264 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,916 Speaker 2: be out with friends, totally social dinner and someone will 265 00:13:06,956 --> 00:13:09,876 Speaker 2: make some offhand common like you don't you just want 266 00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:11,836 Speaker 2: your kids to be happy? It's all we want, right, 267 00:13:12,316 --> 00:13:15,236 Speaker 2: And I feel like my husband will look at me like, Becky, please, 268 00:13:15,396 --> 00:13:18,676 Speaker 2: just like he knows where's coming next, Just not and 269 00:13:18,716 --> 00:13:20,996 Speaker 2: move on. But I can't because I'll be like, no, 270 00:13:21,036 --> 00:13:23,636 Speaker 2: that's not what I want, And it's so interesting. How again, 271 00:13:23,676 --> 00:13:25,676 Speaker 2: then people go to the other extreme. People will say 272 00:13:25,716 --> 00:13:29,276 Speaker 2: to me, you want your kids to be unhappy? WHOA Like? No, 273 00:13:29,356 --> 00:13:31,916 Speaker 2: I'm not like wishing unhappiness on the humans I love 274 00:13:31,956 --> 00:13:34,636 Speaker 2: the most. But the idea of wanting our kids to 275 00:13:34,676 --> 00:13:38,796 Speaker 2: be happy, I think is a well intentioned but widely 276 00:13:38,876 --> 00:13:44,636 Speaker 2: misguided wish that actually has the complete opposite impact on kids. 277 00:13:44,996 --> 00:13:49,236 Speaker 2: They're developing circuitry in their body for what range of 278 00:13:49,276 --> 00:13:53,636 Speaker 2: emotions am I set up to cope with? How capable 279 00:13:53,716 --> 00:13:59,516 Speaker 2: am I of dealing with uncomfortable experiences? I'm talking about 280 00:13:59,556 --> 00:14:02,876 Speaker 2: things like, mom, I'm the only one in my class 281 00:14:02,956 --> 00:14:05,196 Speaker 2: who can't read and as a parent, let me to 282 00:14:05,196 --> 00:14:07,236 Speaker 2: say it's painful when your kid says that, because we 283 00:14:07,316 --> 00:14:09,796 Speaker 2: love our kids so much, right, I think what we're 284 00:14:09,876 --> 00:14:13,476 Speaker 2: often tempted to say is something like that can't be true, 285 00:14:14,116 --> 00:14:17,476 Speaker 2: or everybody reads at their own pace, or okay, but 286 00:14:17,556 --> 00:14:20,996 Speaker 2: you are the only kid who can do multiplication. So 287 00:14:21,076 --> 00:14:23,156 Speaker 2: what we have the urge to do is we see 288 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:30,796 Speaker 2: our kid disappointed, sad, frustrated, mad, jealous, some version of uncomfortable, 289 00:14:31,116 --> 00:14:33,956 Speaker 2: and to some degree we think our job in the 290 00:14:34,036 --> 00:14:38,076 Speaker 2: moment is to pluck them out of that feeling and 291 00:14:38,316 --> 00:14:41,156 Speaker 2: bring them to a happy feeling. Another metaphor I like 292 00:14:41,196 --> 00:14:42,916 Speaker 2: to think of is like we find them on a bench, 293 00:14:43,076 --> 00:14:45,356 Speaker 2: and this is the bench if I can't read books 294 00:14:45,396 --> 00:14:49,276 Speaker 2: yet I'm noticing people around me can do things I can't, which, 295 00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:51,596 Speaker 2: by the way, will happen for the rest of your life. 296 00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,636 Speaker 2: Or people have things I don't have, or I just 297 00:14:53,636 --> 00:14:56,036 Speaker 2: feel less than. And when we see our kid on 298 00:14:56,036 --> 00:14:59,556 Speaker 2: that bench, we see a sunnier bench and we're like, 299 00:14:59,676 --> 00:15:02,756 Speaker 2: just like, come with me there, it's so sunny there. 300 00:15:03,196 --> 00:15:07,596 Speaker 2: Why is this not ideal? Because resilience in adulthood is 301 00:15:07,676 --> 00:15:10,956 Speaker 2: actually based on our ability to kind of proverbially like 302 00:15:11,116 --> 00:15:13,876 Speaker 2: sit on all the benches we come across in life. 303 00:15:14,036 --> 00:15:16,476 Speaker 2: I know my kid when they're older, at some point, 304 00:15:16,476 --> 00:15:18,676 Speaker 2: they're going to I don't know, be in a class 305 00:15:18,676 --> 00:15:21,036 Speaker 2: in college where they're intimidated by people. They're going to 306 00:15:21,116 --> 00:15:23,036 Speaker 2: get a bad grade. They're not going to be invited 307 00:15:23,036 --> 00:15:24,916 Speaker 2: to someone's birthday party. They're going to get fired for 308 00:15:24,996 --> 00:15:26,476 Speaker 2: a job. They're going to think they're going to get 309 00:15:26,476 --> 00:15:27,836 Speaker 2: a job and not get it. They're not going to 310 00:15:27,836 --> 00:15:30,036 Speaker 2: get a promotion. They're going to be embarrassed in public. 311 00:15:30,436 --> 00:15:33,476 Speaker 2: All of the things that happen in childhood won't happen 312 00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:36,996 Speaker 2: in the exact form in adulthood, but they will happen 313 00:15:37,276 --> 00:15:40,956 Speaker 2: with the same set of feelings in adulthood. And if 314 00:15:41,036 --> 00:15:44,356 Speaker 2: when my kid is an adult, what they've learned is 315 00:15:44,356 --> 00:15:49,116 Speaker 2: when I feel jealous, sad, nervous, mad, less than, I 316 00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:53,556 Speaker 2: look around for the happy, where is the happy? All 317 00:15:53,596 --> 00:15:56,916 Speaker 2: that sets my kid up for is anxiety and fragility. 318 00:15:57,276 --> 00:15:59,756 Speaker 2: So what's the alternative? And this is going to sound 319 00:16:00,116 --> 00:16:02,476 Speaker 2: so counterintuitive, but I'll explain it. Let me go back 320 00:16:02,476 --> 00:16:04,796 Speaker 2: to that example. My kids on this bench are feeling 321 00:16:04,916 --> 00:16:07,396 Speaker 2: less than, which sounds like I'm the only one who 322 00:16:07,436 --> 00:16:10,276 Speaker 2: can't read now again, we don't have to go together extremes. 323 00:16:10,356 --> 00:16:14,196 Speaker 2: I say, it's so true, you're so stupid. Duh, No, 324 00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:17,116 Speaker 2: do not recommend. Okay, but if you think about your 325 00:16:17,156 --> 00:16:19,316 Speaker 2: kid on that bench, what would it mean to just 326 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,756 Speaker 2: sit on the bench with them in some ways to 327 00:16:21,796 --> 00:16:24,076 Speaker 2: say to your kid, you're on this bench and you're uncomfortable. 328 00:16:24,396 --> 00:16:26,676 Speaker 2: I'm not scared of this bench. I don't need to 329 00:16:26,676 --> 00:16:28,756 Speaker 2: pluck you off the bench. The only reason I would 330 00:16:28,756 --> 00:16:30,196 Speaker 2: need to do this if this bench was like going 331 00:16:30,276 --> 00:16:32,716 Speaker 2: to eat you alive. It's just a bench, by the way, 332 00:16:32,756 --> 00:16:34,596 Speaker 2: you'll sit here a million times. So let me just 333 00:16:34,716 --> 00:16:38,036 Speaker 2: PLoP down next to you. And then what you're doing 334 00:16:38,196 --> 00:16:40,316 Speaker 2: is the most profound thing we can do as parents, 335 00:16:40,636 --> 00:16:43,036 Speaker 2: is you're making sure your kid is no longer alone. 336 00:16:43,716 --> 00:16:49,956 Speaker 2: Feelings don't overwhelm kids. Feeling alone in feelings overwhelm kids. 337 00:16:49,956 --> 00:16:52,956 Speaker 2: And it's actually the experience of repeated aloneness in a 338 00:16:52,956 --> 00:16:56,476 Speaker 2: feeling that leads to adult anxiety because you get encoded 339 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,996 Speaker 2: in the overwhelm of being alone. So I just want 340 00:16:59,036 --> 00:17:00,436 Speaker 2: to give you a few lines because I wanted to 341 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,836 Speaker 2: make things concrete. First thing you can say to your 342 00:17:02,876 --> 00:17:05,676 Speaker 2: kid when they say anything they're upset about I'm so 343 00:17:05,716 --> 00:17:07,196 Speaker 2: glad you're talking to me about this. 344 00:17:07,516 --> 00:17:10,516 Speaker 1: Not just parenting advice, is just out of general relationship advice. 345 00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:12,236 Speaker 2: I was talking about this on a podcast a little 346 00:17:12,236 --> 00:17:14,636 Speaker 2: while ago, and my husband, who doesn't usually listen, was like, 347 00:17:14,916 --> 00:17:17,076 Speaker 2: you know, those three lines just saying when I talk 348 00:17:17,116 --> 00:17:18,916 Speaker 2: to you about stuff that's hard at work, like I 349 00:17:18,916 --> 00:17:22,516 Speaker 2: would like those lines. And so first line is just 350 00:17:23,316 --> 00:17:25,796 Speaker 2: I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. The 351 00:17:25,876 --> 00:17:28,796 Speaker 2: second line is saying to a kid, I believe you, 352 00:17:29,196 --> 00:17:31,956 Speaker 2: and then the third line is just tell me more, 353 00:17:32,476 --> 00:17:34,676 Speaker 2: because what you're really doing is you're saying to your 354 00:17:34,716 --> 00:17:37,996 Speaker 2: kid in this powerful way, I am not afraid of 355 00:17:38,036 --> 00:17:43,676 Speaker 2: your feelings. They will not swallow anyone. And because I 356 00:17:43,836 --> 00:17:46,956 Speaker 2: can tolerate this feeling in you, you will be able 357 00:17:46,996 --> 00:17:49,876 Speaker 2: to tolerate this feeling in you now. Ironically, Laurie, when 358 00:17:49,876 --> 00:17:56,076 Speaker 2: it comes to happiness, regulating difficult emotions is a prerequisite. 359 00:17:56,596 --> 00:18:00,516 Speaker 2: So really, if we quote want our kid to be happy, 360 00:18:00,876 --> 00:18:05,236 Speaker 2: what we should really focus on is not fixing their unhappiness, 361 00:18:05,636 --> 00:18:07,996 Speaker 2: but really helping them sit with it and cope with it. 362 00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:11,836 Speaker 1: Leting your kids work through their own disappointment is hard 363 00:18:12,156 --> 00:18:15,316 Speaker 1: it's painful to watch someone you love struggle, especially when 364 00:18:15,316 --> 00:18:18,196 Speaker 1: your impulse is to step in and fix everything. But 365 00:18:18,636 --> 00:18:21,076 Speaker 1: just like adults, children need to learn how to tolerate 366 00:18:21,116 --> 00:18:23,756 Speaker 1: discomfort in order to feel more at ease with themselves. 367 00:18:24,316 --> 00:18:28,076 Speaker 1: Doctor Becky believes that raising resilient kids involves holding both 368 00:18:28,076 --> 00:18:30,436 Speaker 1: of these truths at the same time. That we need 369 00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:33,636 Speaker 1: to let our kids experience discomfort even though it sucks. 370 00:18:34,316 --> 00:18:37,876 Speaker 1: After the break, we'll explore this idea of multiplicity and 371 00:18:37,996 --> 00:18:41,636 Speaker 1: dive deeper into how optimizing for long term happiness often 372 00:18:41,756 --> 00:18:44,436 Speaker 1: means learning to sit with short term distress. For both 373 00:18:44,516 --> 00:18:47,956 Speaker 1: children and adults. That happiness lab will be right back. 374 00:18:55,436 --> 00:18:58,756 Speaker 1: From an evolutionary perspective, our most important goal in life 375 00:18:58,796 --> 00:19:00,716 Speaker 1: is to make sure our kids survive so they can 376 00:19:00,756 --> 00:19:03,796 Speaker 1: get their genes into the next generation. It therefore makes 377 00:19:03,796 --> 00:19:06,276 Speaker 1: sense that parents have a built in motivation to do 378 00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:09,316 Speaker 1: everything in their power to protect their children. If your 379 00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:12,436 Speaker 1: kid wanders near a saber tooth tiger, it's your evolutionary 380 00:19:12,516 --> 00:19:15,156 Speaker 1: duty to step in and keep them safe. But in 381 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:18,756 Speaker 1: modern society, that instinct to protect at all costs often 382 00:19:18,876 --> 00:19:22,236 Speaker 1: leads to overparenting. The tendency to take over for your 383 00:19:22,316 --> 00:19:26,196 Speaker 1: kid in nearly every tricky situation. Study after study shows 384 00:19:26,236 --> 00:19:29,876 Speaker 1: that overparenting can inadvertently hurt the people we love. Most 385 00:19:30,356 --> 00:19:34,236 Speaker 1: research shows that overparenting can inhibit a child's capacity for autonomy, 386 00:19:34,476 --> 00:19:38,196 Speaker 1: problem solving, and even emotional resilience. So, when your son 387 00:19:38,276 --> 00:19:41,436 Speaker 1: or daughter finds themselves in a sticky situation, when should 388 00:19:41,476 --> 00:19:44,236 Speaker 1: you let them face the consequences and figure things out alone? 389 00:19:44,796 --> 00:19:48,156 Speaker 1: And when should you offer a helping hand. Clinical psychologist 390 00:19:48,156 --> 00:19:50,996 Speaker 1: doctor Becky Kennedy says that parents need to choose their 391 00:19:50,996 --> 00:19:53,076 Speaker 1: moments of intervention very carefully. 392 00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,996 Speaker 2: There are times you should swoop in. If your toddler 393 00:19:56,036 --> 00:19:58,516 Speaker 2: is about to run across the street of New York City, 394 00:19:58,876 --> 00:19:59,876 Speaker 2: swoop in. 395 00:20:00,236 --> 00:20:02,516 Speaker 1: If they're sleeping in on the day of the sat 396 00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,956 Speaker 1: you know, maybe give them a little nudge. 397 00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:09,316 Speaker 2: Swoop in, right, swoop in. But swooping in and it 398 00:20:09,636 --> 00:20:13,316 Speaker 2: has a more surprising impact on kids than we think, 399 00:20:13,476 --> 00:20:17,556 Speaker 2: especially as they get older, because kids know someone swoops 400 00:20:17,596 --> 00:20:22,716 Speaker 2: in because something's in emergency, or because someone doesn't see 401 00:20:22,756 --> 00:20:26,316 Speaker 2: me as capable. And where are kids mirrors? 402 00:20:26,356 --> 00:20:26,556 Speaker 1: To me? 403 00:20:26,636 --> 00:20:28,036 Speaker 2: This is one of the most powerful things to think 404 00:20:28,076 --> 00:20:31,156 Speaker 2: about as a parent. If I'm my kid's mirror, then 405 00:20:31,316 --> 00:20:34,476 Speaker 2: I reflect to them the version of who they are. 406 00:20:34,756 --> 00:20:39,516 Speaker 2: And so if I'm often reflecting my kid's lack of capability, 407 00:20:39,556 --> 00:20:42,996 Speaker 2: which I don't think i'm doing, but I might unintentionally 408 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:46,076 Speaker 2: be doing by fixing so many things, it can't be 409 00:20:46,196 --> 00:20:48,756 Speaker 2: surprised that as my kid gets older, I keep saying 410 00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:50,436 Speaker 2: to friends, why can they figure things out? Why can't 411 00:20:50,436 --> 00:20:52,836 Speaker 2: they even remember their water bottle? Shouldn't they be able 412 00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:56,916 Speaker 2: to do this at age sixteen? Age doesn't bring skills. 413 00:20:57,076 --> 00:20:59,636 Speaker 2: This is what I always tell parents. People say, at 414 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:03,036 Speaker 2: what age will my kids stop having these meltdowns? I 415 00:21:03,036 --> 00:21:05,276 Speaker 2: feel like it's like someone saying, at what age will 416 00:21:05,276 --> 00:21:07,356 Speaker 2: my kid be able to swim? And I say, well, 417 00:21:07,556 --> 00:21:10,396 Speaker 2: are they learning how to swim? No, I'd be like, 418 00:21:10,716 --> 00:21:13,116 Speaker 2: I'm not blaming you, but like at a certain age, 419 00:21:13,116 --> 00:21:18,076 Speaker 2: no one's like gifted swimming. No one is gifted competence 420 00:21:18,156 --> 00:21:23,436 Speaker 2: and capability and confidence and regulation. It's not years, it's 421 00:21:23,476 --> 00:21:28,596 Speaker 2: what you do in the years. And so reflecting capability 422 00:21:29,036 --> 00:21:31,116 Speaker 2: is a really big part of the good inside approach. 423 00:21:31,636 --> 00:21:35,996 Speaker 2: It's deeply uncomfortable because reflecting capability of your kid has 424 00:21:36,036 --> 00:21:41,116 Speaker 2: to go hand in hand in recognizing potential discomfort in 425 00:21:41,156 --> 00:21:43,476 Speaker 2: your kid. And just letting it. That's the way I 426 00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:45,996 Speaker 2: would say, let it right. And again, am I gonna 427 00:21:46,036 --> 00:21:50,676 Speaker 2: let my kid miss their sat? No, I'm a reasonable human. 428 00:21:51,236 --> 00:21:54,756 Speaker 2: Am I gonna let my kid forget their water bottle? When, 429 00:21:54,796 --> 00:21:57,956 Speaker 2: by the way, we've been talking about remembering your own 430 00:21:58,036 --> 00:22:02,196 Speaker 2: water bottle. Yes, here's actually a really important difference. Too 431 00:22:02,236 --> 00:22:04,596 Speaker 2: often in those situations we do it from a place 432 00:22:04,636 --> 00:22:07,556 Speaker 2: of frustration and punishment. So I'll say I'm not bringing 433 00:22:07,556 --> 00:22:10,236 Speaker 2: you your water bottle. You can deal with that. Nobody 434 00:22:10,236 --> 00:22:13,436 Speaker 2: finds that inspirational. This is very different, Swede. I'm not 435 00:22:13,476 --> 00:22:15,916 Speaker 2: going to bring you your water bottle. You're a strong kid, 436 00:22:16,036 --> 00:22:18,716 Speaker 2: You'll figure it out. And when you get home, let's 437 00:22:18,716 --> 00:22:20,636 Speaker 2: figure out it. Just a better system to remember it. 438 00:22:21,076 --> 00:22:22,956 Speaker 2: All the different things that happened that are hard. I 439 00:22:22,996 --> 00:22:25,396 Speaker 2: really do say to myself, this is amazing. This is 440 00:22:25,436 --> 00:22:28,116 Speaker 2: amazing learning that one of my kids waited so long 441 00:22:28,156 --> 00:22:29,756 Speaker 2: and has to stay up late to work hard on 442 00:22:29,796 --> 00:22:31,396 Speaker 2: a paper that they're now not going to be able 443 00:22:31,396 --> 00:22:33,516 Speaker 2: to review with their teacher before, even though their teacher 444 00:22:33,556 --> 00:22:35,156 Speaker 2: said they'll do that and they probably won't receive a 445 00:22:35,156 --> 00:22:37,956 Speaker 2: great pan. What amazing warning. I love this. 446 00:22:37,956 --> 00:22:39,996 Speaker 1: This is a gift, right, Like you know, how much 447 00:22:40,036 --> 00:22:41,956 Speaker 1: are they going to get better over time? Like they're 448 00:22:41,956 --> 00:22:43,876 Speaker 1: never going to put things off again because look at 449 00:22:43,876 --> 00:22:47,036 Speaker 1: the terrible consequences they got, which is so important. But 450 00:22:47,396 --> 00:22:50,516 Speaker 1: the problem as a parent, though, is that to hold 451 00:22:50,836 --> 00:22:52,956 Speaker 1: I'm doing this wonderful thing I'm giving my kid learning 452 00:22:52,996 --> 00:22:54,796 Speaker 1: it's a gift. You have to hold that at the 453 00:22:54,836 --> 00:22:57,796 Speaker 1: same time as but I love my kid, I'm supposed 454 00:22:57,796 --> 00:23:00,356 Speaker 1: to be a good parent. I'm allowing discomfort in a 455 00:23:00,356 --> 00:23:02,196 Speaker 1: way that I could swoop in and fix and I've 456 00:23:02,196 --> 00:23:04,196 Speaker 1: committed to that. And that gets to something else that 457 00:23:04,276 --> 00:23:06,516 Speaker 1: I know you talk about a lot, this idea of 458 00:23:06,956 --> 00:23:10,996 Speaker 1: needing to hold psychologically, this multiplicity as you've called it, 459 00:23:11,316 --> 00:23:13,396 Speaker 1: that like you can be a really good parent and 460 00:23:13,436 --> 00:23:15,396 Speaker 1: you can also let your kid forget their water bottle. 461 00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:17,156 Speaker 1: You can be a really good parent and you could 462 00:23:17,196 --> 00:23:19,676 Speaker 1: not remind them about the homework, and that might cause 463 00:23:19,716 --> 00:23:21,436 Speaker 1: them to get a bad grade or cause them to 464 00:23:21,476 --> 00:23:23,356 Speaker 1: kind of have a really tough night when they're pulling 465 00:23:23,356 --> 00:23:26,196 Speaker 1: it all nighter. Talk to me about this multiplicity. How 466 00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:28,636 Speaker 1: do we hold both of these things at once? And 467 00:23:28,676 --> 00:23:31,356 Speaker 1: why is it so important to get good at doing this? 468 00:23:32,076 --> 00:23:35,436 Speaker 2: So important? And again, this is where it skills for life. 469 00:23:35,476 --> 00:23:38,236 Speaker 2: So holding multiplicity is important with your kids, so important 470 00:23:38,236 --> 00:23:41,476 Speaker 2: with yourself at work in everything. A couple things I 471 00:23:41,516 --> 00:23:44,036 Speaker 2: want to say about that. Number one, I just want 472 00:23:44,036 --> 00:23:47,076 Speaker 2: to be on a bashed saying I'm very long term 473 00:23:47,156 --> 00:23:49,916 Speaker 2: greedy in my parenting approach. Like if I had to 474 00:23:50,036 --> 00:23:53,836 Speaker 2: choose between short term benefit and long term benefit, by 475 00:23:53,836 --> 00:23:55,916 Speaker 2: the way, I think we often can get both, but 476 00:23:56,236 --> 00:23:58,836 Speaker 2: I would choose long term. So when you do, let 477 00:23:58,876 --> 00:24:03,476 Speaker 2: your kid experience life, by the way, assuming again, you 478 00:24:03,516 --> 00:24:06,276 Speaker 2: can't say to your kid and expect it to be effective, See, 479 00:24:06,316 --> 00:24:08,476 Speaker 2: you stayed up late and you got a bad grade. Again, 480 00:24:08,716 --> 00:24:10,796 Speaker 2: it's not that it's like, huh, I wonder what happened? 481 00:24:10,996 --> 00:24:13,076 Speaker 2: What do you to do differently next time? Oh, you'd 482 00:24:13,116 --> 00:24:15,156 Speaker 2: have to start sooner. I wonder if you have a 483 00:24:15,196 --> 00:24:17,956 Speaker 2: paper coming up that you would think, Oh, you do what? 484 00:24:18,076 --> 00:24:20,636 Speaker 2: Oh it's due to wednesdays from now. I wonder when 485 00:24:20,636 --> 00:24:23,556 Speaker 2: you'd have to start? Oh, be the Wednesday before. Oh 486 00:24:23,596 --> 00:24:25,116 Speaker 2: my goodness, that's such a good idea. I wonder how 487 00:24:25,116 --> 00:24:28,556 Speaker 2: you'll remembered do that? How would I? Oh, what, you're 488 00:24:28,556 --> 00:24:31,116 Speaker 2: gonna put it in your calendar? Right? Leaving my kid 489 00:24:31,116 --> 00:24:34,516 Speaker 2: to the well. That is really important. But I think 490 00:24:34,636 --> 00:24:38,516 Speaker 2: the operating principle around kind of multiplicity that lets me 491 00:24:39,316 --> 00:24:42,876 Speaker 2: do that is Okay. I see my kid's distress here, 492 00:24:43,236 --> 00:24:47,596 Speaker 2: but I'm not optimizing for their short term happiness. I 493 00:24:47,636 --> 00:24:52,716 Speaker 2: am optimizing for their long term resilience. Those are very 494 00:24:52,756 --> 00:24:55,796 Speaker 2: different things. I mean, this morning, I hadn't gone to 495 00:24:55,796 --> 00:24:57,636 Speaker 2: the gym in weeks, and I was like, Today's day. 496 00:24:57,676 --> 00:24:59,836 Speaker 2: I knew today was the day, just for twenty minutes. 497 00:24:59,876 --> 00:25:01,636 Speaker 2: I just wanted to get that post of energy in 498 00:25:01,676 --> 00:25:04,636 Speaker 2: the morning. If I was optimizing for my short term happiness, 499 00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:06,836 Speaker 2: you better bet I'm staying in bet you would be 500 00:25:06,836 --> 00:25:10,036 Speaker 2: a bed. And so for being long term greed having 501 00:25:10,076 --> 00:25:12,276 Speaker 2: that two things are true. My kid is having a 502 00:25:12,316 --> 00:25:14,636 Speaker 2: hard time today and I can support them and use 503 00:25:14,676 --> 00:25:18,116 Speaker 2: this moment to build resilience for the future. We need 504 00:25:18,396 --> 00:25:21,356 Speaker 2: support for us as parents to be able to do that. 505 00:25:21,876 --> 00:25:24,636 Speaker 2: Scripts a group of parents are saying, yeah, I'm doing 506 00:25:24,716 --> 00:25:28,676 Speaker 2: that too. We don't have a culture of supporting parents. 507 00:25:28,916 --> 00:25:31,596 Speaker 2: We do when you're pregnant. It's actually so interesting to me. 508 00:25:31,956 --> 00:25:35,356 Speaker 2: When you're pregnant, people buy books, they take CPR courses, 509 00:25:35,756 --> 00:25:39,356 Speaker 2: they invest a lot of money and time, and we're 510 00:25:39,516 --> 00:25:41,876 Speaker 2: told in a societal way, that's what we should do 511 00:25:42,236 --> 00:25:45,316 Speaker 2: as soon as you have a kid. We've really internalized 512 00:25:45,356 --> 00:25:48,916 Speaker 2: this idea of maternal instinct. People say, is, madam, it's 513 00:25:48,916 --> 00:25:51,276 Speaker 2: something I should be able to figure out on my own. 514 00:25:51,836 --> 00:25:54,956 Speaker 2: I shouldn't need help because of this lack of what 515 00:25:55,116 --> 00:25:57,556 Speaker 2: we are living with, like all of these fires. It's 516 00:25:57,596 --> 00:26:00,876 Speaker 2: like whack a mole. And so that's a big picture 517 00:26:00,916 --> 00:26:03,676 Speaker 2: of my mission is just to change that idea is 518 00:26:03,716 --> 00:26:06,796 Speaker 2: to say, hey, my guess is, of all of your values, 519 00:26:07,196 --> 00:26:10,236 Speaker 2: parenting in your kid's mental health probably towards the top 520 00:26:10,276 --> 00:26:12,396 Speaker 2: of your list. My guess is if you look at 521 00:26:12,436 --> 00:26:14,796 Speaker 2: your even expenses and the way you spend your energy, 522 00:26:15,356 --> 00:26:17,596 Speaker 2: actually investing in the support a parent we need is 523 00:26:17,596 --> 00:26:20,916 Speaker 2: probably low on the list. It's so out of alignment. 524 00:26:21,236 --> 00:26:23,836 Speaker 2: Once we have that, it's a lot easier without that. 525 00:26:23,876 --> 00:26:26,436 Speaker 2: When we're alone, you just spiral. 526 00:26:26,796 --> 00:26:28,516 Speaker 1: And this is why I love your work so much, 527 00:26:28,516 --> 00:26:31,556 Speaker 1: because you're kind of helping parents get these tools, and 528 00:26:31,596 --> 00:26:34,436 Speaker 1: sometimes using those tools themselves can be really good for 529 00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:37,076 Speaker 1: parents well being. I mean, one of my favorite tools 530 00:26:37,076 --> 00:26:38,716 Speaker 1: that I know is one of your go tos is 531 00:26:38,756 --> 00:26:42,236 Speaker 1: the idea of getting curious, especially when you're dealing with 532 00:26:42,316 --> 00:26:44,836 Speaker 1: a bad behavior or a failure or a screw up. 533 00:26:45,036 --> 00:26:48,236 Speaker 1: Why is curiosity such a superpower when you're dealing with failure. 534 00:26:48,876 --> 00:26:53,196 Speaker 2: I think curiosity is the opposite of like judgment, and 535 00:26:54,076 --> 00:26:57,636 Speaker 2: I think so often when we struggle as adults, we 536 00:26:57,796 --> 00:27:01,796 Speaker 2: just judge ourselves right away. I think that's because when 537 00:27:01,836 --> 00:27:04,116 Speaker 2: we had hard moments when we were kids, when we 538 00:27:04,156 --> 00:27:06,996 Speaker 2: had bad behavior, guess what most of us were probably 539 00:27:07,036 --> 00:27:09,636 Speaker 2: met with judgement. Go to your room. Why would you 540 00:27:09,676 --> 00:27:11,756 Speaker 2: do that? You're so selfish, you're crying. I'll give you 541 00:27:11,756 --> 00:27:14,436 Speaker 2: something to cry about. And so we've wired in our 542 00:27:14,476 --> 00:27:18,076 Speaker 2: body struggle next to harsh judgment. And even though the 543 00:27:18,116 --> 00:27:21,876 Speaker 2: harsh judgment part was initially someone else's voice, we've internalized 544 00:27:21,916 --> 00:27:25,076 Speaker 2: it so much. This is so sad to me. It's 545 00:27:25,076 --> 00:27:28,236 Speaker 2: become our own voice. And then we're hard on ourselves 546 00:27:28,316 --> 00:27:32,036 Speaker 2: when we're triggered, and we're reactive to our kids. But 547 00:27:32,076 --> 00:27:34,756 Speaker 2: the truth is we react to them based on our 548 00:27:34,796 --> 00:27:38,516 Speaker 2: own circuitry. We can't do something with our kids that 549 00:27:38,516 --> 00:27:41,396 Speaker 2: we're not working on with ourselves. If I have wired 550 00:27:41,516 --> 00:27:45,076 Speaker 2: my struggles next to judgment, then it makes sense. I'm 551 00:27:45,076 --> 00:27:46,876 Speaker 2: going to say to my kid, what's wrong with you? 552 00:27:46,876 --> 00:27:49,276 Speaker 2: You're so dramatic, you always ruin things, even though later 553 00:27:49,316 --> 00:27:50,796 Speaker 2: at night I'm thinking, why did I say that? I 554 00:27:50,796 --> 00:27:53,756 Speaker 2: promise myself I wouldn't say that. What is the answer 555 00:27:53,796 --> 00:27:57,396 Speaker 2: to this? Change starts by changing your interaction with yourself, 556 00:27:57,436 --> 00:27:59,956 Speaker 2: which is why I care so deeply about all the 557 00:27:59,996 --> 00:28:03,276 Speaker 2: reparenting work we do. That is the most powerful thing 558 00:28:03,836 --> 00:28:05,236 Speaker 2: to be able to be the parent you want to be, 559 00:28:05,596 --> 00:28:09,676 Speaker 2: and curiosity is the key. So let's say, as an adult, 560 00:28:09,756 --> 00:28:12,556 Speaker 2: I just yelled at my kid. I think judgment activates 561 00:28:12,596 --> 00:28:15,476 Speaker 2: so quickly. I'm such a monster. I messed up my 562 00:28:15,556 --> 00:28:18,116 Speaker 2: kid forever. If anyone ever saw me, they wouldn't even 563 00:28:18,116 --> 00:28:20,196 Speaker 2: believe the type my mother I am. I've said this 564 00:28:20,236 --> 00:28:23,196 Speaker 2: to myself. I'm like doctor Becky, like I'm yelling at 565 00:28:23,236 --> 00:28:25,676 Speaker 2: my kid? What is wrong with me? But I think 566 00:28:25,996 --> 00:28:27,876 Speaker 2: I wonder what was going on for me at that moment, 567 00:28:28,396 --> 00:28:30,076 Speaker 2: what led me to yell at my kid when they 568 00:28:30,116 --> 00:28:35,156 Speaker 2: complained about dinner? And this is powerful what actually happened 569 00:28:35,236 --> 00:28:38,436 Speaker 2: earlier in my day or a week that probably put 570 00:28:38,476 --> 00:28:41,236 Speaker 2: me in the up to the brim place I was in. 571 00:28:41,676 --> 00:28:44,476 Speaker 2: So then complaining about dinner is just a straw that 572 00:28:44,516 --> 00:28:47,636 Speaker 2: broke the camel's back, and I yelled, this is curiosity. 573 00:28:47,836 --> 00:28:50,276 Speaker 2: And I think one of the things again that we 574 00:28:50,396 --> 00:28:54,556 Speaker 2: have to reparent ourselves about, is we mistakenly think being 575 00:28:54,756 --> 00:29:00,436 Speaker 2: curious about bad behavior means you're condoning bad behavior. But again, 576 00:29:00,476 --> 00:29:02,516 Speaker 2: like I always think about other areas, like if I'm 577 00:29:02,596 --> 00:29:07,476 Speaker 2: curious about why my star football quarterback keeps throwing interceptions, 578 00:29:07,516 --> 00:29:09,836 Speaker 2: why are they doing that? Is it they're positioning, is 579 00:29:09,876 --> 00:29:12,716 Speaker 2: it they're timing. If a coach was saying that, I 580 00:29:12,796 --> 00:29:15,116 Speaker 2: just can't imagine another coach would be like, oh, so 581 00:29:15,156 --> 00:29:19,116 Speaker 2: you're condoning all these interceptions. It's just like, actually, so weird. 582 00:29:19,676 --> 00:29:24,796 Speaker 2: Curiosity is the key to change. Judgment is actually the 583 00:29:24,916 --> 00:29:30,676 Speaker 2: key to being stuck and never changing, just ineffective. So curiosity, 584 00:29:30,876 --> 00:29:34,316 Speaker 2: I wonder why I did that to me? Another phrase 585 00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:38,836 Speaker 2: that such beautiful, compassionate curiosity is I'm a good person. 586 00:29:39,276 --> 00:29:41,596 Speaker 2: I was having a hard time. I wonder what came 587 00:29:41,676 --> 00:29:44,516 Speaker 2: up for me at that moment, because usually that's what happens, 588 00:29:44,556 --> 00:29:46,516 Speaker 2: like something comes up. I have a fear about my kid. 589 00:29:46,596 --> 00:29:48,636 Speaker 2: I worry people think I'm a bad parent. I worry 590 00:29:48,636 --> 00:29:51,236 Speaker 2: my kid's a sociopath. Well, as long as I'm thinking 591 00:29:51,236 --> 00:29:53,036 Speaker 2: about my four year old as a sociopath, I guess 592 00:29:53,036 --> 00:29:55,596 Speaker 2: it makes sense that I'm yelling at that. Okay, how 593 00:29:55,636 --> 00:29:57,836 Speaker 2: else would I have to interpret their behavior to have 594 00:29:57,836 --> 00:30:01,156 Speaker 2: a different thought and therefore probably be more able to 595 00:30:01,156 --> 00:30:06,316 Speaker 2: stay calm. See now, curiosity allows me to make positive change. 596 00:30:06,476 --> 00:30:08,876 Speaker 1: And these are all cases where you're using that curiosity 597 00:30:09,236 --> 00:30:11,716 Speaker 1: yourself as a parent, or maybe you did a behavior 598 00:30:11,756 --> 00:30:13,956 Speaker 1: that you know wasn't so awesome. You've argued that we 599 00:30:13,956 --> 00:30:16,036 Speaker 1: can use the same kind of technique when we're dealing 600 00:30:16,116 --> 00:30:18,756 Speaker 1: with a kid's bad behavior. Let's say you know, you 601 00:30:18,836 --> 00:30:20,756 Speaker 1: find out your teenager lied to you they went to 602 00:30:20,796 --> 00:30:23,116 Speaker 1: some party that they weren't supposed to go. To walk 603 00:30:23,156 --> 00:30:25,556 Speaker 1: me through how you would use curiosity in that way, 604 00:30:25,596 --> 00:30:27,796 Speaker 1: and maybe your our boundary setting and our kind of 605 00:30:27,916 --> 00:30:29,956 Speaker 1: validating feelings job as well. 606 00:30:30,276 --> 00:30:33,676 Speaker 2: So let's say you have a teenager who lied to you. 607 00:30:33,796 --> 00:30:35,316 Speaker 2: Lying to me is one of the best things to 608 00:30:35,316 --> 00:30:38,076 Speaker 2: start with, because lying there's an outlying that is so 609 00:30:38,196 --> 00:30:40,876 Speaker 2: triggering to us as parents, and we interpret it so 610 00:30:40,996 --> 00:30:44,476 Speaker 2: personally my teenager doesn't respect me, or we kind of 611 00:30:44,516 --> 00:30:48,076 Speaker 2: like center ourselves. Whenever I work with parents from the 612 00:30:48,076 --> 00:30:50,756 Speaker 2: things I say is okay, Let's say you have someone 613 00:30:50,756 --> 00:30:53,116 Speaker 2: in your life you love, why would you lie to them? 614 00:30:53,716 --> 00:30:55,876 Speaker 2: So interesting, Moore, I have never had anyone say I 615 00:30:55,916 --> 00:30:56,476 Speaker 2: would never. 616 00:30:58,276 --> 00:31:01,476 Speaker 1: We know that this is a behavior that comes up occasionally, right, right, 617 00:31:01,756 --> 00:31:04,156 Speaker 1: I mean, why would you lie to someone that you 618 00:31:04,236 --> 00:31:04,996 Speaker 1: love and respect? 619 00:31:05,316 --> 00:31:06,156 Speaker 2: Why do you think you would? 620 00:31:06,356 --> 00:31:08,956 Speaker 1: You were going through something terrible, you were really scared, 621 00:31:09,196 --> 00:31:11,836 Speaker 1: something else was off that was like making this either 622 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:15,476 Speaker 1: so scary or so overwhelming that you had no choice. 623 00:31:15,596 --> 00:31:16,796 Speaker 2: You know, I'll add to it for me, and I 624 00:31:16,796 --> 00:31:18,836 Speaker 2: think I would lie because I was scared of someone's reaction. 625 00:31:19,316 --> 00:31:21,756 Speaker 2: I think I would also lie because on some level 626 00:31:21,876 --> 00:31:24,636 Speaker 2: I was so ashamed or embarrassed about something I did 627 00:31:25,116 --> 00:31:27,316 Speaker 2: that if I had to like share the truth, it's 628 00:31:27,356 --> 00:31:29,476 Speaker 2: almost like I'd have to like relive it again, like 629 00:31:29,516 --> 00:31:30,396 Speaker 2: I'd have to face it. 630 00:31:30,596 --> 00:31:32,716 Speaker 1: Yeah, the lies are off in the doubling down on 631 00:31:32,916 --> 00:31:34,996 Speaker 1: just being avoidant of what we've done and the shame 632 00:31:35,036 --> 00:31:35,956 Speaker 1: of what we've done. 633 00:31:36,116 --> 00:31:39,876 Speaker 2: Right. People think kids who lie, like, again, you're so sociopathic. Actually, 634 00:31:39,916 --> 00:31:41,956 Speaker 2: there's something so vulnerable in that moment. They're like, I 635 00:31:41,996 --> 00:31:44,796 Speaker 2: actually feel so guilty that it's so consuming me that 636 00:31:44,876 --> 00:31:47,356 Speaker 2: I have to almost pretend this thing didn't happen to 637 00:31:47,436 --> 00:31:50,156 Speaker 2: survive the moment. Okay, so you have this kid who 638 00:31:50,276 --> 00:31:54,076 Speaker 2: lies right, and again, let's say we can maintain calm 639 00:31:54,116 --> 00:31:56,036 Speaker 2: and not be triggered and not make it about us. 640 00:31:56,356 --> 00:31:58,356 Speaker 2: How could you use curiosity? And I'm gonna model this 641 00:31:58,436 --> 00:32:01,756 Speaker 2: exactly because it's gonna create controversy because it's different, and 642 00:32:01,836 --> 00:32:04,516 Speaker 2: parents are gonna say, isn't that just letting them get 643 00:32:04,556 --> 00:32:08,076 Speaker 2: away with it? We're so used to this adversarial control mindset. 644 00:32:08,436 --> 00:32:10,876 Speaker 2: So let's say my kids like, no, I didn't take 645 00:32:10,916 --> 00:32:13,836 Speaker 2: money from your durer. Meanwhile, I have some like ness 646 00:32:13,876 --> 00:32:17,316 Speaker 2: cam like seeing my son like take it so obvious. 647 00:32:17,916 --> 00:32:21,356 Speaker 2: Leading with curiosity would sound like this, this is actually 648 00:32:21,396 --> 00:32:24,436 Speaker 2: important in the moment, I probably wouldn't even ask. I 649 00:32:24,436 --> 00:32:26,836 Speaker 2: would actually say is a life lesson? Never ask someone 650 00:32:26,876 --> 00:32:29,396 Speaker 2: a question you know the answer to. All you're doing 651 00:32:29,516 --> 00:32:31,676 Speaker 2: is setting yourself up to get more frustrated with your 652 00:32:31,756 --> 00:32:34,156 Speaker 2: kid and say, look, I know you took that money 653 00:32:34,196 --> 00:32:35,556 Speaker 2: from the drawer, and like, I don't even want to 654 00:32:35,556 --> 00:32:36,756 Speaker 2: get into I just know it. I saw it on 655 00:32:36,796 --> 00:32:38,756 Speaker 2: the video. I'm not going to lead with the punishment. 656 00:32:38,836 --> 00:32:41,036 Speaker 2: I'm not going to lead with a lecture. There must 657 00:32:41,116 --> 00:32:43,156 Speaker 2: have been something about going out to dinner with your 658 00:32:43,156 --> 00:32:46,436 Speaker 2: friends that felt so important that you also feel like 659 00:32:46,476 --> 00:32:49,636 Speaker 2: I really didn't understand that you can be honest with 660 00:32:49,716 --> 00:32:51,996 Speaker 2: me about and that's not my way of saying, it's okay, 661 00:32:52,036 --> 00:32:54,196 Speaker 2: but we can deal with the okay not okay part later, 662 00:32:54,276 --> 00:32:55,956 Speaker 2: And I'm pretty sure you know it's not okay to 663 00:32:55,956 --> 00:32:58,596 Speaker 2: steal her lie. What's actually really more important to me 664 00:32:58,636 --> 00:33:01,796 Speaker 2: is our relationship and figuring out what actually I could 665 00:33:01,836 --> 00:33:03,916 Speaker 2: do to make it easier to tell me the truth. 666 00:33:04,436 --> 00:33:09,716 Speaker 2: I know parents listening are like, w tf. 667 00:33:08,556 --> 00:33:10,916 Speaker 3: You are going to make me raise a child who 668 00:33:10,916 --> 00:33:14,156 Speaker 3: will lie to me forever. I would bet one hundred 669 00:33:14,196 --> 00:33:17,756 Speaker 3: dollars your child will lie to you less because your 670 00:33:18,036 --> 00:33:21,956 Speaker 3: kid will tell you the truth when they believe they 671 00:33:21,996 --> 00:33:23,276 Speaker 3: can maintain. 672 00:33:23,036 --> 00:33:25,516 Speaker 2: A connection with you when they tell you the truth. 673 00:33:25,836 --> 00:33:29,036 Speaker 2: Kids are oriented by attachment from toddlers through teens, all 674 00:33:29,036 --> 00:33:33,196 Speaker 2: of us are. They are primed to notice what will 675 00:33:33,196 --> 00:33:36,276 Speaker 2: I tell my parent that will make them distance themselves 676 00:33:36,316 --> 00:33:38,996 Speaker 2: from me? And what can I tell my parent that 677 00:33:39,036 --> 00:33:41,836 Speaker 2: can still be held in love and safety and in 678 00:33:41,876 --> 00:33:44,756 Speaker 2: a way when your kid lies to you. Ironically, they're 679 00:33:44,796 --> 00:33:48,076 Speaker 2: doing that to temporarily preserve attachment because on some level 680 00:33:48,076 --> 00:33:49,436 Speaker 2: that thinking, as long as I don't tell my parent 681 00:33:49,476 --> 00:33:51,436 Speaker 2: the truth, we're still connected. As soon as I tell 682 00:33:51,476 --> 00:33:53,956 Speaker 2: my parent the truth, we're broken. And so anything we 683 00:33:54,076 --> 00:33:56,796 Speaker 2: do to further that pattern threat and if you do 684 00:33:56,876 --> 00:34:00,956 Speaker 2: that again next time, you're grounded. All we're doing, ironically, 685 00:34:01,556 --> 00:34:06,596 Speaker 2: is making a kid even more predispositioned to lie because 686 00:34:06,636 --> 00:34:09,636 Speaker 2: they can't beat the evolutionary system that just wants to 687 00:34:09,636 --> 00:34:13,876 Speaker 2: be connected to you. When you lead instead with curiosity, 688 00:34:14,156 --> 00:34:18,516 Speaker 2: you actually strengthen your relationship and you develop a wider 689 00:34:18,676 --> 00:34:23,476 Speaker 2: range of topics your teen feels comfortable telling you about. 690 00:34:23,676 --> 00:34:26,036 Speaker 1: You're also modeling a great path for them to figure 691 00:34:26,076 --> 00:34:28,716 Speaker 1: out their own behavior, right. I mean, even as an adult, 692 00:34:28,756 --> 00:34:30,876 Speaker 1: sometimes when I do stuff and I screw stuff up 693 00:34:30,996 --> 00:34:33,316 Speaker 1: or I you know, lie or whatever, it's hard for 694 00:34:33,356 --> 00:34:35,756 Speaker 1: me to uncover the reasons behind that. I have to 695 00:34:35,756 --> 00:34:37,996 Speaker 1: get curious with myself. So if you're kind of modeling 696 00:34:38,036 --> 00:34:40,836 Speaker 1: curiosity with them, it also seems like a great strategy 697 00:34:40,876 --> 00:34:42,676 Speaker 1: to get them to realize, like, oh, this is the 698 00:34:42,676 --> 00:34:44,836 Speaker 1: same thing I can use when I screw up or 699 00:34:44,836 --> 00:34:46,796 Speaker 1: what I fail, or when I'm like not pleased with 700 00:34:46,836 --> 00:34:48,236 Speaker 1: my own behavior. 701 00:34:47,916 --> 00:34:51,956 Speaker 2: It's exactly right. I mean, a parent's words becomes a 702 00:34:52,076 --> 00:34:55,716 Speaker 2: child's self talk. That's also the long term greedy nature 703 00:34:55,796 --> 00:34:58,396 Speaker 2: of good side. So there's going to be a time 704 00:34:58,636 --> 00:35:01,236 Speaker 2: when our teen is in their twenties and thirties and 705 00:35:01,276 --> 00:35:03,876 Speaker 2: they're going to do something that they're not proud of, right, 706 00:35:03,916 --> 00:35:06,476 Speaker 2: whatever it is. They lied to their spouse, or they 707 00:35:06,916 --> 00:35:09,716 Speaker 2: told their friends they couldn't go to dinner because they're sick, 708 00:35:09,756 --> 00:35:11,716 Speaker 2: but then their friends saw on Instagram they're actually just 709 00:35:11,756 --> 00:35:15,356 Speaker 2: with other friends, right, And you want your kid to 710 00:35:15,396 --> 00:35:17,916 Speaker 2: be able to pause and to say, I wonder why 711 00:35:17,956 --> 00:35:20,236 Speaker 2: I did that. If your kid can do that, which 712 00:35:20,276 --> 00:35:23,236 Speaker 2: by the way, comes from your curiosity in the face 713 00:35:23,276 --> 00:35:25,676 Speaker 2: of their struggle, they are going to be a much 714 00:35:25,716 --> 00:35:27,956 Speaker 2: more successful, resilient th though. 715 00:35:28,356 --> 00:35:30,796 Speaker 1: So when you feel that impulse to get all judgmental, 716 00:35:31,036 --> 00:35:34,236 Speaker 1: whether it's about your child or yourself, take a pause 717 00:35:34,556 --> 00:35:37,516 Speaker 1: and get curious. Not only is that eagerness to learn 718 00:35:37,516 --> 00:35:40,476 Speaker 1: more pleasant than feeling judgy, it also has the added 719 00:35:40,476 --> 00:35:44,276 Speaker 1: bonus of fostering personal growth. But can parents do more 720 00:35:44,316 --> 00:35:46,636 Speaker 1: than just get curious when a child is acting out? 721 00:35:46,996 --> 00:35:50,796 Speaker 1: Could we turn these unpleasant moments into positive experiences? What 722 00:35:50,836 --> 00:35:54,476 Speaker 1: if we could make these times fun even joyful. After 723 00:35:54,516 --> 00:35:56,796 Speaker 1: the break, doctor Becky will share a tool that she 724 00:35:56,916 --> 00:35:59,716 Speaker 1: keeps in her back pocket to make tough parenting moments 725 00:35:59,836 --> 00:36:02,956 Speaker 1: more playful. The Happiness Lab will be back in a moment. 726 00:36:10,796 --> 00:36:14,476 Speaker 1: Clinical psychologist doctor Becky Kennedy believes that the traditional reward 727 00:36:14,516 --> 00:36:17,876 Speaker 1: punishment model of parenting is not just ineffective, it can 728 00:36:17,916 --> 00:36:20,916 Speaker 1: also cause parents to miss out on important opportunities to 729 00:36:20,956 --> 00:36:24,356 Speaker 1: connect with their kids. Like adults, children learn best not 730 00:36:24,396 --> 00:36:26,716 Speaker 1: when they're feeling threatened or bribed, but when they feel 731 00:36:26,756 --> 00:36:30,556 Speaker 1: safe and supported and when they're having fun. In fact, 732 00:36:30,756 --> 00:36:33,156 Speaker 1: doctor Becky thinks we need to bring way more humor 733 00:36:33,196 --> 00:36:36,836 Speaker 1: and goofiness into parenting than most caregivers usually think. 734 00:36:37,116 --> 00:36:40,156 Speaker 2: Playfulness is so important and I just want to name here. 735 00:36:40,516 --> 00:36:42,116 Speaker 2: It's one of the hardest parts. 736 00:36:41,836 --> 00:36:45,076 Speaker 1: For parents because parenting doesn't often feel playful. It just 737 00:36:45,116 --> 00:36:48,316 Speaker 1: feels like a grind one hundred percent all the time. 738 00:36:48,436 --> 00:36:50,756 Speaker 1: And so getting back to your hey, it's just funzie 739 00:36:50,796 --> 00:36:53,196 Speaker 1: time mode can just be really tough. 740 00:36:53,356 --> 00:36:56,836 Speaker 2: I think there's that, and I would say I don't 741 00:36:56,836 --> 00:37:00,356 Speaker 2: think most parents experienced a lot of playfulness from their parents, 742 00:37:00,596 --> 00:37:03,236 Speaker 2: true totally. People will say, why is it so hard 743 00:37:03,236 --> 00:37:05,876 Speaker 2: for me to do pretend play when my kid is young, 744 00:37:05,996 --> 00:37:08,436 Speaker 2: or just joke around with my teen when they're older, 745 00:37:08,476 --> 00:37:10,476 Speaker 2: and they my parents hold a lot of guilt, like 746 00:37:10,556 --> 00:37:13,556 Speaker 2: is something wrong with me? If play is hard for you, 747 00:37:13,716 --> 00:37:16,436 Speaker 2: and if play feels awkward, all that's a sign of 748 00:37:16,596 --> 00:37:20,276 Speaker 2: is play was likely not modeled to you by the 749 00:37:20,316 --> 00:37:22,756 Speaker 2: adults in your life. And so any effort you make 750 00:37:22,796 --> 00:37:25,196 Speaker 2: to be a little more playful, first all it will 751 00:37:25,196 --> 00:37:27,996 Speaker 2: be awkward. Anything new feels awkward. But I really want 752 00:37:28,036 --> 00:37:30,636 Speaker 2: anyone here just to tell themselves that's like a cycle 753 00:37:30,676 --> 00:37:33,476 Speaker 2: breaking act. I'm pretty brave and amazing to do something 754 00:37:33,516 --> 00:37:35,356 Speaker 2: with my kids that no one did with me. And 755 00:37:35,396 --> 00:37:39,116 Speaker 2: so why is playfulness important? I'll give a couple examples. 756 00:37:39,516 --> 00:37:42,476 Speaker 2: My kid's towel. Their towels are just always on the floor, 757 00:37:42,916 --> 00:37:44,516 Speaker 2: and like, I don't know why it drives me not 758 00:37:44,636 --> 00:37:47,156 Speaker 2: It's like I don't it's probably something inherited from my childhood, 759 00:37:47,196 --> 00:37:48,796 Speaker 2: Like of all the things, okay, the towels on the floor. 760 00:37:48,796 --> 00:37:51,636 Speaker 2: It's not like fine that you don't respect me, like 761 00:37:51,676 --> 00:37:54,116 Speaker 2: you know, but it does bother me. And for so 762 00:37:54,836 --> 00:37:57,076 Speaker 2: many years I feel like I've said, hey, have you 763 00:37:57,156 --> 00:37:59,316 Speaker 2: noticed the towel on the floor a couple of weeks ago. 764 00:37:59,356 --> 00:38:01,156 Speaker 2: This is what I said, because my kids always joked 765 00:38:01,196 --> 00:38:02,836 Speaker 2: that I'm so old and I'm over the hill. That's 766 00:38:02,836 --> 00:38:04,396 Speaker 2: what they like to say to me, you know, And 767 00:38:04,436 --> 00:38:07,596 Speaker 2: I'll say, this is so weird. I feel like, I 768 00:38:07,636 --> 00:38:10,356 Speaker 2: see your towel on the floor, but like my eyes 769 00:38:11,236 --> 00:38:13,956 Speaker 2: at my forties, like they're kind of going and like 770 00:38:14,036 --> 00:38:17,116 Speaker 2: I don't know. My kids like, yeah, mom, I think 771 00:38:17,156 --> 00:38:18,956 Speaker 2: you're over the hill, you know, and I don't think 772 00:38:18,996 --> 00:38:21,036 Speaker 2: there's a towel. Then I'm like really, because I'm gonna 773 00:38:21,076 --> 00:38:23,956 Speaker 2: like walk over there slowly. I'm gonna get on my 774 00:38:24,036 --> 00:38:26,476 Speaker 2: knees and just feel. And then while I do that, 775 00:38:26,716 --> 00:38:28,636 Speaker 2: guess what my kid does? They go get their towel. 776 00:38:29,196 --> 00:38:31,276 Speaker 2: And then I go and I touch the floor, and 777 00:38:31,316 --> 00:38:33,836 Speaker 2: I'm like, oh my goodness, that is so weird. 778 00:38:33,956 --> 00:38:36,796 Speaker 1: My eyes are so bad. I meet by bifocals. 779 00:38:36,836 --> 00:38:40,076 Speaker 2: How terrible. Yeah, I just think about how that could 780 00:38:40,156 --> 00:38:42,196 Speaker 2: go pick up your towel. I'm not picking up I'm 781 00:38:42,196 --> 00:38:43,996 Speaker 2: doing homework. If you don't pick up your towel, now, 782 00:38:44,076 --> 00:38:45,796 Speaker 2: no dessert. And then I'm like, why did I say that? 783 00:38:45,796 --> 00:38:47,676 Speaker 2: I don't want to withhold dessert, and then I'm like, Okay, 784 00:38:47,716 --> 00:38:49,356 Speaker 2: I guess you can have fruit and whip cream. That's 785 00:38:49,396 --> 00:38:52,116 Speaker 2: not really dessert. I'm making stuff up. I'm getting in 786 00:38:52,156 --> 00:38:55,316 Speaker 2: a fight. So what's the hardest part here? I actually 787 00:38:55,356 --> 00:38:58,556 Speaker 2: think a lot of the moments to choose joy and 788 00:38:58,596 --> 00:39:03,436 Speaker 2: to choose play, the alternative is in calm. Often the 789 00:39:03,516 --> 00:39:06,916 Speaker 2: alternative is control and anger. The moments when you want 790 00:39:06,956 --> 00:39:09,596 Speaker 2: to lead with control and anger are actual the best 791 00:39:09,596 --> 00:39:12,836 Speaker 2: moments to try to infuse some play. Another example of this, 792 00:39:12,876 --> 00:39:14,516 Speaker 2: and this is something I've done with younger kids for 793 00:39:14,556 --> 00:39:16,716 Speaker 2: a while, but I've adapted to an old or kid version. 794 00:39:17,076 --> 00:39:19,076 Speaker 2: Who is a kid who likes to clean up? Okay, look, 795 00:39:19,076 --> 00:39:21,596 Speaker 2: no one's raising their hand. Cool, nobody likes to clean up. 796 00:39:22,076 --> 00:39:23,356 Speaker 2: So what do you do when you have to get 797 00:39:23,356 --> 00:39:25,356 Speaker 2: your kid to clean up? Often you lead with anger 798 00:39:25,396 --> 00:39:27,396 Speaker 2: and control. If you don't clean up your toys, they're 799 00:39:27,396 --> 00:39:29,516 Speaker 2: all going to be in the garbage tomorrow. My kid's like, well, 800 00:39:29,556 --> 00:39:31,716 Speaker 2: I've heard that empty threat before. I have something I 801 00:39:31,716 --> 00:39:33,876 Speaker 2: called to close your eyesact. That's how it goes. I'm 802 00:39:33,876 --> 00:39:36,556 Speaker 2: just going to close dance and all I'm saying is 803 00:39:36,556 --> 00:39:39,356 Speaker 2: if when I open my eyes, all the red blocks 804 00:39:39,676 --> 00:39:41,196 Speaker 2: are in the bin and you can see I'm talking 805 00:39:41,236 --> 00:39:43,956 Speaker 2: slowly because guess what my kid is doing. They're doing it. 806 00:39:44,396 --> 00:39:47,276 Speaker 2: I might I might fall on the ground. I might 807 00:39:47,356 --> 00:39:49,356 Speaker 2: do when I was gonna say you're I might do 808 00:39:49,476 --> 00:39:52,396 Speaker 2: a butt dance and I might slap my butt. I 809 00:39:52,476 --> 00:39:54,996 Speaker 2: just think about like a boss at work being like, 810 00:39:55,156 --> 00:39:58,396 Speaker 2: oh my goodness, if your project is done, I might 811 00:39:58,476 --> 00:39:59,956 Speaker 2: fall to the ground and do a butt dance. I 812 00:39:59,956 --> 00:40:01,756 Speaker 2: feel like I'm like, I'm gonna finish my project. I 813 00:40:01,836 --> 00:40:02,476 Speaker 2: want to see that. 814 00:40:02,556 --> 00:40:04,476 Speaker 1: You know, if all you need to do to get 815 00:40:04,476 --> 00:40:07,116 Speaker 1: the house clean is the butt dance, like bring it, 816 00:40:07,156 --> 00:40:07,356 Speaker 1: you know. 817 00:40:07,516 --> 00:40:10,356 Speaker 2: Yeah, here's what I think. I also want to empower 818 00:40:10,396 --> 00:40:12,676 Speaker 2: parents with people will say that won't work with my 819 00:40:12,796 --> 00:40:16,116 Speaker 2: sixteen year old. Whenever you say that won't work, it's 820 00:40:16,156 --> 00:40:20,596 Speaker 2: really limiting. Why does the close your eyes hack work? Okay? 821 00:40:21,156 --> 00:40:24,756 Speaker 2: Number one, you lead with trust and not control. If 822 00:40:24,796 --> 00:40:26,836 Speaker 2: you think about saying to a kid, clean up and 823 00:40:26,836 --> 00:40:29,396 Speaker 2: then you just stare at them again, imagine trying to 824 00:40:29,476 --> 00:40:32,676 Speaker 2: do a report with your boss watching you at the computer. 825 00:40:33,156 --> 00:40:36,436 Speaker 2: You'd freeze. If your boss at work says I trust 826 00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:38,396 Speaker 2: you to do this and walks away, You're gonna do 827 00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:44,116 Speaker 2: it and then add something silly and ridiculous. Trust silly ridiculous. 828 00:40:44,596 --> 00:40:46,596 Speaker 2: So for your sixteen year old, you could say, look, 829 00:40:46,996 --> 00:40:48,916 Speaker 2: one of your chores is to clear the table, or 830 00:40:49,276 --> 00:40:51,676 Speaker 2: you know, to make your bed. I'm gonna go check 831 00:40:51,676 --> 00:40:54,796 Speaker 2: on your sibling. If when I get back here that 832 00:40:54,916 --> 00:40:57,276 Speaker 2: that is made, I don't even know what I might do, 833 00:40:57,356 --> 00:40:59,716 Speaker 2: And I might just like delt into a ridiculous song 834 00:40:59,796 --> 00:41:01,716 Speaker 2: that like, all you guys are singing and you're gonna 835 00:41:01,756 --> 00:41:04,716 Speaker 2: tell me, Mom, you're so annoying. This is so cringe. 836 00:41:04,756 --> 00:41:06,396 Speaker 2: I just might do this and my sixteen year old 837 00:41:06,396 --> 00:41:08,516 Speaker 2: will roll their eyes, but they'll probably have a smile 838 00:41:08,556 --> 00:41:10,756 Speaker 2: on their face and I walk out. They feel more 839 00:41:10,756 --> 00:41:13,556 Speaker 2: connected to me, there's a little more joy, and I 840 00:41:13,596 --> 00:41:16,356 Speaker 2: bet the likelihood of that bed being made just skyrocketed. 841 00:41:16,516 --> 00:41:19,076 Speaker 1: I love this because you're able to get stuff done 842 00:41:19,316 --> 00:41:22,076 Speaker 1: without the negative emotion, right, And I feel like, if 843 00:41:22,116 --> 00:41:24,916 Speaker 1: only we can make parenting a little bit more goofy, 844 00:41:24,996 --> 00:41:26,596 Speaker 1: a little bit more joyful and fun, a little bit 845 00:41:26,636 --> 00:41:29,476 Speaker 1: more connected, parents would just feel so much better all 846 00:41:29,516 --> 00:41:29,916 Speaker 1: the time. 847 00:41:30,076 --> 00:41:32,076 Speaker 2: I think that's right, and I think pushback I get 848 00:41:32,156 --> 00:41:33,796 Speaker 2: is when I said, so everything has to be a 849 00:41:33,836 --> 00:41:37,156 Speaker 2: game can't my kids just listen? But I think we 850 00:41:37,356 --> 00:41:41,116 Speaker 2: underestimate how much as adults we kind of cooperate with 851 00:41:41,236 --> 00:41:44,516 Speaker 2: other people for the same reasons, like for fun. At 852 00:41:44,516 --> 00:41:47,196 Speaker 2: the end of the day, cooperation and listening just means 853 00:41:47,236 --> 00:41:49,756 Speaker 2: I'm doing something you want me to do that I 854 00:41:49,796 --> 00:41:51,756 Speaker 2: don't want to do. Because anytime you say to a 855 00:41:51,796 --> 00:41:53,716 Speaker 2: sixteen year old, hey, you can be on your phone 856 00:41:53,716 --> 00:41:55,516 Speaker 2: for two hours, I don't know anyone who's like, I'm 857 00:41:55,556 --> 00:41:58,836 Speaker 2: not dealing it. When we're talking about cooperation, we really 858 00:41:58,876 --> 00:42:00,476 Speaker 2: mean I want my kid to do something and they 859 00:42:00,516 --> 00:42:02,956 Speaker 2: don't want to do it. So as an adult, if 860 00:42:02,996 --> 00:42:06,156 Speaker 2: you think I don't want to do something but someone 861 00:42:06,156 --> 00:42:08,636 Speaker 2: else wants me to do it, why would I listen 862 00:42:08,676 --> 00:42:10,916 Speaker 2: to them? Like if I'm having lunch with you, Louri 863 00:42:10,996 --> 00:42:12,676 Speaker 2: and one of my friends walks by and it's like, 864 00:42:12,756 --> 00:42:15,036 Speaker 2: can you guys both come help me pack up my 865 00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,356 Speaker 2: apartment and I'm like no, and they're like, well, if 866 00:42:17,356 --> 00:42:18,676 Speaker 2: you don't do it, I'm never going to be friends 867 00:42:18,676 --> 00:42:21,236 Speaker 2: into it. I'm like, yeah, not doing it. If they 868 00:42:21,236 --> 00:42:24,476 Speaker 2: say I have, it's like amazing, I don't know music 869 00:42:24,756 --> 00:42:26,836 Speaker 2: to play and I'm going to get some like ice 870 00:42:26,876 --> 00:42:28,756 Speaker 2: cream deliver or what do you think I feel like 871 00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:31,476 Speaker 2: you and I might be like, okay, yeah, lay in 872 00:42:31,676 --> 00:42:34,516 Speaker 2: levity is always a motivator to do things you don't 873 00:42:34,556 --> 00:42:36,796 Speaker 2: want to do. And so it's not do I have 874 00:42:36,836 --> 00:42:39,476 Speaker 2: to play games? Why can't my kid just listen? It's 875 00:42:39,516 --> 00:42:43,196 Speaker 2: actually kids operate based on the same principles adults operate 876 00:42:43,276 --> 00:42:46,196 Speaker 2: based on. I think this final insight is so important. 877 00:42:46,716 --> 00:42:49,556 Speaker 2: Kids are motivated by the same principles that adults are. 878 00:42:49,876 --> 00:42:53,356 Speaker 2: They prefer connection and validation to anger and judgment, and 879 00:42:53,396 --> 00:42:56,116 Speaker 2: they respond way more favorably to humor and fun than 880 00:42:56,156 --> 00:42:58,836 Speaker 2: they do to being forced. I'm so thrilled that doctor 881 00:42:58,836 --> 00:43:01,356 Speaker 2: Becky was able to share all her insights with us today. 882 00:43:01,716 --> 00:43:04,356 Speaker 2: Her good inside approach is a reminder that if we 883 00:43:04,396 --> 00:43:07,156 Speaker 2: respond to our kids defiance as a signal of unmet 884 00:43:07,196 --> 00:43:10,116 Speaker 2: needs or lagging skills, we can some and the curiosity 885 00:43:10,156 --> 00:43:13,756 Speaker 2: needed to discover what's really going on and react a 886 00:43:13,796 --> 00:43:16,756 Speaker 2: bit more happily. But let's do a quick recap of 887 00:43:16,796 --> 00:43:20,036 Speaker 2: the tips doctor Becky shared today. First, we need to 888 00:43:20,036 --> 00:43:22,916 Speaker 2: remember that the job description of being a parent involves 889 00:43:22,956 --> 00:43:26,316 Speaker 2: two separate but important roles. We need to set boundaries, 890 00:43:26,476 --> 00:43:29,796 Speaker 2: but we also need to validate. The boundary part keeps 891 00:43:29,836 --> 00:43:32,956 Speaker 2: children safe and grounded, while a validation part helps us 892 00:43:32,996 --> 00:43:36,436 Speaker 2: build trust and connection. But validation doesn't mean giving in 893 00:43:36,796 --> 00:43:37,516 Speaker 2: saying I. 894 00:43:37,396 --> 00:43:40,236 Speaker 1: Get how hard this is while holding the line, We'll 895 00:43:40,236 --> 00:43:42,836 Speaker 1: teach your child that their emotions are real and manageable 896 00:43:43,116 --> 00:43:46,796 Speaker 1: without rewarding that not so great behavior. Second, parents do 897 00:43:46,836 --> 00:43:49,276 Speaker 1: not need to fix a child's feelings, They just need 898 00:43:49,316 --> 00:43:52,796 Speaker 1: to make space for them, So challenge that happiness police mentality. 899 00:43:53,156 --> 00:43:55,236 Speaker 1: Your goal is not to make your kids happy all 900 00:43:55,236 --> 00:43:57,356 Speaker 1: the time, but to teach them that they can feel 901 00:43:57,396 --> 00:44:00,796 Speaker 1: safe sitting with this comfort, a lesson that's super important 902 00:44:00,836 --> 00:44:04,316 Speaker 1: for handling real life adversity. Later on Tip number three 903 00:44:04,516 --> 00:44:08,116 Speaker 1: one end out shoot for long term greedy parenting, Try 904 00:44:08,156 --> 00:44:10,556 Speaker 1: to avoid going for the kinds of short term comforts 905 00:44:10,556 --> 00:44:13,236 Speaker 1: that prevent resilience in the future. But give yourself some 906 00:44:13,316 --> 00:44:16,316 Speaker 1: grace while doing this, because parenting for the future is 907 00:44:16,396 --> 00:44:20,636 Speaker 1: not easy, which gets to tip number four multiplicity. Remember 908 00:44:20,716 --> 00:44:23,436 Speaker 1: that you need to hold two truths at once. I 909 00:44:23,516 --> 00:44:26,556 Speaker 1: love my kid deeply, and I'm okay letting them face 910 00:44:26,556 --> 00:44:31,356 Speaker 1: a tough moment. Tip number five summon curiosity. Curiosity leads 911 00:44:31,356 --> 00:44:35,116 Speaker 1: to understanding and change, but judgment usually keeps us and 912 00:44:35,196 --> 00:44:38,476 Speaker 1: our kids stuck. Tip number six is to choose playfulness 913 00:44:38,516 --> 00:44:41,996 Speaker 1: over control. Bringing the fun back to tough situations can 914 00:44:42,076 --> 00:44:45,356 Speaker 1: lead to connection and motivation without all the power struggles. 915 00:44:45,556 --> 00:44:47,676 Speaker 1: So the next time you're tempted to lay down the law, 916 00:44:47,956 --> 00:44:51,316 Speaker 1: maybe try a butt dance instead. Because play doesn't just 917 00:44:51,396 --> 00:44:54,796 Speaker 1: make parenting easier, it actually makes it more joyful too. 918 00:44:55,076 --> 00:44:58,756 Speaker 1: And today's final tip number seven, always give yourself and 919 00:44:58,796 --> 00:45:01,596 Speaker 1: your child the benefit of the doubt. As doctor Becky 920 00:45:01,676 --> 00:45:04,036 Speaker 1: often says, even when we're not at our best on 921 00:45:04,076 --> 00:45:07,916 Speaker 1: the outside, we're still good inside. Next week on the 922 00:45:07,916 --> 00:45:11,316 Speaker 1: Happiness Lab, we'll continue our deep dive into strategies for 923 00:45:11,356 --> 00:45:14,796 Speaker 1: happier parenting. We'll be asking what can we do to 924 00:45:14,876 --> 00:45:17,676 Speaker 1: better motivate our kids. We'll learn about the power of 925 00:45:17,716 --> 00:45:20,796 Speaker 1: developing what's called a mentor mindset. We'll see that there 926 00:45:20,836 --> 00:45:23,276 Speaker 1: are ways to hold our kids to high standards while 927 00:45:23,316 --> 00:45:27,116 Speaker 1: validating their agency and independence. We'll also hear how these 928 00:45:27,116 --> 00:45:30,476 Speaker 1: same strategies for collaborative troubleshooting can help you on the 929 00:45:30,556 --> 00:45:33,476 Speaker 1: job and in your relationships too. That's all next time 930 00:45:33,596 --> 00:45:36,836 Speaker 1: in our special season on Happier Parenting. On the Happiness 931 00:45:36,916 --> 00:45:42,916 Speaker 1: lab with me, Doctor Laurie Santos