Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now, avail every rust.
Speaker 1: Get your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right
Speaker 1: now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go
Speaker 1: listen to see you by. Just when I think I
Speaker 1: have parenting all figured out, something happens and catches me
Speaker 1: all the way off guard. Dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine
Speaker 1: and we're the Ellison. You may know us when posting
Speaker 1: funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly as
Speaker 1: a form of therapy. I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married. Yes,
Speaker 1: so we are. We create this podcast to open dialogue
Speaker 1: about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about through the lens of a
Speaker 1: millennium Mattie couple. Dead ass is a term that we
Speaker 1: say every day where we say dead as we're actually
Speaker 1: saying facts. One the truth, the whole truth and nothing
Speaker 1: but the truth. We're about to take Philow's off to
Speaker 1: a whole new level. Death starts now. Jackson tells me
Speaker 1: a couple of days before Friday, it's probably about Tuesday,
Speaker 1: that he has to wear a blue shirt to school
Speaker 1: for whatever activity they have going on that day. Great,
Speaker 1: no problem. Usually in the morning, I get Jackson's clothes out,
Speaker 1: he gets ready for school, We're all good to go.
Speaker 1: On this Friday morning, I get Jackson's clothes out, No
Speaker 1: blue shirt, because I don't remember that he needs a
Speaker 1: blue shirt. I have too many other things to remember, right,
Speaker 1: So it was specifically on his homework sheet the night
Speaker 1: before that he had to wear a blue shirt. Lo
Speaker 1: and behold, we go to school. Jackson jumps off the car,
Speaker 1: no blue shirt on. As I pull away from the
Speaker 1: curb side, I see the flux of children walking in
Speaker 1: with blue shirts, and I'm like, ship, today's Friday. Jackson
Speaker 1: was supposed to wear a blue shirt. So I see
Speaker 1: there's a little table set up like a spirit table,
Speaker 1: and they're like, hey, you can purchase a shirt here.
Speaker 1: So everything in my body wanted to go buy Jackson
Speaker 1: the shirt, take the shirt to his classroom, so he
Speaker 1: would not be left out. But I tried to be
Speaker 1: a thug. Guys, I was a mommy thug, and I
Speaker 1: was like, you know what, there is a lesson in this,
Speaker 1: and Jackson had a responsibility to remember his blue shirt
Speaker 1: because he is eight years old. And let me tell
Speaker 1: you something about my eight year old. Okay, he has
Speaker 1: selective memory, because if he wants the latest Kyrie Irvin
Speaker 1: SpongeBob sneakers that just came out that he had a
Speaker 1: searching all over for, he would have remembered to tell
Speaker 1: me where to go and where to get it. He
Speaker 1: couldn't remember his blue shirt that morning, so I said,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to go home. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna bring him his blue shirt. I'm not gonna buy
Speaker 1: a blue shirt. He's gonna have to deal with sitting
Speaker 1: in school today with no blue shirt. But then the
Speaker 1: mommy killed kicked in and I was so heartbroken the
Speaker 1: entire day because all I could think about was like,
Speaker 1: my baby head doesn't have a blue shirt and he's
Speaker 1: probably the only one in the class without the blue shirt,
Speaker 1: and how is he gonna feel? So I went to Instagram.
Speaker 1: I told the story. I did a pole like parents.
Speaker 1: Do you think I did the right thing that I
Speaker 1: should I have taken Jackson the shirt? Or did I
Speaker 1: do the right thing by not taking it? People said
Speaker 1: I did the right thing. A couple of people said,
Speaker 1: you know a girl, he's eight. You shouldn't have did
Speaker 1: that because now it's going to instill the sense of
Speaker 1: fear and and lack there of in him. YadA, YadA, YadA.
Speaker 1: And I was like, it's cool, I get that. But
Speaker 1: at the same time, I know my son and it
Speaker 1: wasn't his first or second, or third or fourth offense.
Speaker 1: So I said, you know what, fine, So pick up time.
Speaker 1: I got to get Jackson, and I'm like, Jack's, um,
Speaker 1: how is school today? So he gets in the car
Speaker 1: and he's like, Mom, I'm like, what, you forgot my
Speaker 1: blue shirt? I was like, I forgot your blue shirt, Jackson.
Speaker 1: And in that moment, I know I did the right
Speaker 1: thing because this little mofo trying to blame it on
Speaker 1: me like it was my full he forgot the blue shirt.
Speaker 1: But guess what happened though. It's now the following week,
Speaker 1: I see his blue shirt on a hanger on the
Speaker 1: door knob of his door, and this is like Monday,
Speaker 1: so I'm like, oh, Jackson, why what did you do?
Speaker 1: Why is the blue shirt here? I put the blue
Speaker 1: shirt here so I won't forget it on Friday Lesson Learned.
Speaker 1: So I was called off guard with that one because
Speaker 1: I expected him to forget the blue shirt again. But
Speaker 1: then it made me know that in my lesson, he
Speaker 1: got the point. Alright. So y'all know that we always
Speaker 1: do karaoke, but given the topic today and our guests,
Speaker 1: I felt it was fitting to play her song directly
Speaker 1: because I could not learn all of the lyrics overnight.
Speaker 1: So listen to this hilarious parody of Old Town Road.
Speaker 1: Had to drag my kid right out the front of
Speaker 1: the store because she was crime. Couldn't take it no more.
Speaker 1: I had to drag my kid right out the front
Speaker 1: of the store because she was crime, couldn't take it
Speaker 1: no more. I got my tother in the past. I
Speaker 1: forgot her jab in the ioa too close. I know
Speaker 1: she's done a drab and I say, no, let me
Speaker 1: tell you that Old Town Rolling song. I absolutely love
Speaker 1: that song, and my kids have run into the ground,
Speaker 1: So of course I had to find a remixed version
Speaker 1: that supports all the parents out there because I know
Speaker 1: we can all relate. It's just me today. I am
Speaker 1: holding down the fort de vot is not here. He
Speaker 1: had the actual nerve to go out there and book
Speaker 1: a guest star role on a show. Can't tell y'all
Speaker 1: which one yet, but you know, first audition out fresh
Speaker 1: off of filming out in Atlanta, and he booked a role.
Speaker 1: And I'm super excited for him. And today it was
Speaker 1: kind of like, oh my god, what are we gonna do?
Speaker 1: Are we gonna cancel recording today? And I say, you
Speaker 1: know what, baby, I got this. I got this. You
Speaker 1: have trained me well. So UM. So yeah, he's off
Speaker 1: at a table read and he's recording today. So I
Speaker 1: am going to be holding it down with a special
Speaker 1: guest today. UM. And we're talking about the parenting journey
Speaker 1: and things that we feel like our challenges, things that
Speaker 1: we probably could have prepared for, things that we didn't
Speaker 1: prepare or four and things that just pretty much catch
Speaker 1: you off guard in the moment. And I know I've
Speaker 1: had many moments like that. UM. And it's super funny
Speaker 1: because I feel like I was a single parent for
Speaker 1: this past summer more or less because Daval has been
Speaker 1: UM filming in Atlanta for five weeks, so it's pretty
Speaker 1: much been me and the kids. So shout out to
Speaker 1: the single moms or the single parents out there, single dads,
Speaker 1: whatever you are. If it's just you in your house
Speaker 1: and you're outnumbered by the children, may the force be
Speaker 1: with you. I don't know how y'all do it on
Speaker 1: a day to day basis. I hope you have a tribe.
Speaker 1: If you don't have one, find one, because it is
Speaker 1: so very necessary to have those extra set it hands.
Speaker 1: But it's it's funny because I was, you know, relocating
Speaker 1: with the children, which is not an easy feat being
Speaker 1: in an apartment for ten years just him and I
Speaker 1: and then having three children. It's crazy the amount of
Speaker 1: things you accumulate over the years, then having to sort
Speaker 1: through that because you don't want to bring all your
Speaker 1: crap from one location to the other. So it was
Speaker 1: literally my mom and I with the kids day in
Speaker 1: and day out, sorting through things, pack boxes, all of that.
Speaker 1: And the best part about it was when de Vo
Speaker 1: would hit me like, Okay, he's just moving like me, girl,
Speaker 1: I'm just moving like just moving. Meanwhile, you're on set.
Speaker 1: You got crafty bringing you lunch and whatnot. He had
Speaker 1: nerve when he came home for a weekend to be like, big,
Speaker 1: what's for dinner? I was like, listen, this thing craft
Speaker 1: services or nothing. You're gonna have to figure it out
Speaker 1: or we're gonna have to do some take out, because
Speaker 1: what I'm not about to do is sit up in
Speaker 1: here with all these boxes around me. You're trying to
Speaker 1: find pots and pants to make you something. So de Vo,
Speaker 1: You're welcome. You got off Scotch free without moving anything.
Speaker 1: You were able to come back from Atlanta to a
Speaker 1: house that was semi put together, and the rest of
Speaker 1: it we're just trying to figure out in the meantime.
Speaker 1: But the best part about it is that my children
Speaker 1: are super resilient. They were the ones who I was
Speaker 1: worried about the most with any kind of change. UM.
Speaker 1: And it's amazing how much your children can be exactly
Speaker 1: what you need when you need it and you don't
Speaker 1: even know you need it. UM to shout out to Jackson,
Speaker 1: Cairo and kat who held mommy down. You know, while
Speaker 1: we had a crazy, crazy summer between work and relocating
Speaker 1: and we are back here today. But it's not just me.
Speaker 1: I have a special guest in somebody who those videos
Speaker 1: I've watched for a long time, and it's so funny
Speaker 1: because I've never actually gotten to her Instagram page. I
Speaker 1: think I've just seen them in transit being reposted everywhere.
Speaker 1: But the best thing about your content or her content,
Speaker 1: I should say, is that it's so relatable as a mom,
Speaker 1: and it's so clever and the way she comes up
Speaker 1: with these things, like I I don't know how you
Speaker 1: do it, but I'm glad you do because every now
Speaker 1: and again I need to have those little bit of
Speaker 1: laughter moments in the midst of the crazy. So joining
Speaker 1: in on this conversation is Jessica Rose. She is a writer, comedian,
Speaker 1: and a YouTuber and you can find her on her
Speaker 1: YouTube channel and her blog. She really had a baby.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having no Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for being here. And I feel like the most
Speaker 1: popular or the most seen video you've had was the
Speaker 1: one that you you did a parody around Cardi B's money. Yes,
Speaker 1: that is the most parsible. How many views did that
Speaker 1: one get on your YouTube page? So on my YouTube
Speaker 1: it's it's nearing three million. On like Facebook there, I
Speaker 1: would say like close to like forty million, and you
Speaker 1: can't really track stuff like that catches a certain amount
Speaker 1: of fire. It was just being posted on so many
Speaker 1: different pages. Well it's money, but my mommy, you gotta
Speaker 1: hear this one. My baby daddy chill, but I'm gonna
Speaker 1: keep it real. We didn't work out because you don't
Speaker 1: pay bills. Baby on my hip, So I don't wear heels,
Speaker 1: zip block bags and they got good seals. Cold little
Speaker 1: fridge I keeps next to four years old and she
Speaker 1: don't stay still. Kids are in the mouth and you
Speaker 1: might get killed eating in the car, and I know
Speaker 1: she's gonna spill. My life is a mess. Why did
Speaker 1: I have kids? Boarding school is next? I like more
Speaker 1: than sex, but I can't get no d with her
Speaker 1: all in my bed, mommy. All I ever really here
Speaker 1: is I don't get a chance to be read them.
Speaker 1: All my baby really need is a baby wipes. Put
Speaker 1: the poop, don't pull on my hoops, baby wipes for
Speaker 1: the poop. Let go with momop. So who writes this?
Speaker 1: You write it off? Yeah? Everything. I love hip hop
Speaker 1: and I love rap music. So when I listened to
Speaker 1: these songs, sometimes I'll just be driving and I'll think
Speaker 1: about something that was annoying. So there's truth and jests.
Speaker 1: We know that. So a lot of your stuff is comical.
Speaker 1: We're making fun of this parenting journey, motherhood, fatherhood, whatever
Speaker 1: it may be. So tell me about the truth in
Speaker 1: your story. So I am a single mom. I mean,
Speaker 1: me and my baby daddy get on each other's nerves.
Speaker 1: But he's in no shape away form, not involved in
Speaker 1: my daughter's daughter's life. So I don't know if people
Speaker 1: online really always get that. And I think he definitely
Speaker 1: is in his feelings about that every once in a while.
Speaker 1: I can't imagine because I wasn't sure coming in on it.
Speaker 1: I was like, I wonder really has like the stain
Speaker 1: for her baby daddy, or like, what's the story. Don't
Speaker 1: get me wrong, though, it's still a thirty six hour shift,
Speaker 1: so you can relax. I'm still not the seven percent
Speaker 1: of the time holding it down. He's not not there. Um,
Speaker 1: It's just I am the one that runs the ship,
Speaker 1: like I make sure that my daughter. It's it's fun
Speaker 1: and games. It's like the Disneyland weekend. It's the video games.
Speaker 1: It's no it's Sunday, like you have to brush your
Speaker 1: teeth and you have to go to sleep at eight
Speaker 1: o'clock and you're going to school tomorrow. I'm the one
Speaker 1: that's raising her. That's how I feel. Um. We were
Speaker 1: on again, off again for like two years, and when
Speaker 1: I got pregnant, it just didn't work out. And the
Speaker 1: way that we've figured out parenting is really just me
Speaker 1: kind of holding it down and him seeing her on
Speaker 1: the on the weekends. So I definitely feel like I'm
Speaker 1: doing it alone. But like you said, a village is important.
Speaker 1: Me and my mom don't or didn't have the best relationship,
Speaker 1: but with my daughter, she's a part of that routine.
Speaker 1: She's a part of that weekend. I get my two
Speaker 1: days in a row because my mom takes her and
Speaker 1: then her dad takes her and then you have a
Speaker 1: good cycle. Yeah. Great, it's just stressful. Being a mom
Speaker 1: is stressful, you know, whether you're married or single or
Speaker 1: alone or everything in type of attend just as a woman,
Speaker 1: I feel like you're the role that you play with
Speaker 1: as a mother is can be overwhelming. Al talk about that,
Speaker 1: And it's funny you talked about your blog. I actually
Speaker 1: recently started a blog like Cadine, I am blog where
Speaker 1: I just feel like I should just talk a little
Speaker 1: bit more. It's kind of an extension of the podcast
Speaker 1: or an extension of my thoughts or things people ask
Speaker 1: me to throw. D M and I talked recently about
Speaker 1: balance and how there is really no balance or there's
Speaker 1: this in my mind at least, this this desire, and
Speaker 1: I'm trying to make sure there's some sort of equiliberate
Speaker 1: in my life. That never really happens. So a lot
Speaker 1: of times you just kind of have to let things
Speaker 1: fall sometimes. Do you ever feel like, you know, you're
Speaker 1: trying to balance and drug a little bunch of things
Speaker 1: and doing the videos and maybe nihilists not on at
Speaker 1: that moment, Like, is there frustration a Shane? How do
Speaker 1: you deal with things like that? So I feel that
Speaker 1: more recently as things are kind of taking off for
Speaker 1: me a little bit more, especially just when she really
Speaker 1: had a baby as a brand, the balance just without
Speaker 1: a brand and going. I have a full time job,
Speaker 1: I worked forty hours a week, I go to school
Speaker 1: part time, I have a five year old kid that
Speaker 1: just started kindergarten, and then I have amazing opportunities being
Speaker 1: presented to me all the time. So a hundred things
Speaker 1: never feel balanced. Yesterday it was five five, I was
Speaker 1: about to clock out and I got a text from
Speaker 1: l A was d that said, to night's back to
Speaker 1: school night. I said, how the hell is it back
Speaker 1: to school night? And I didn't know, but because the
Speaker 1: night before I didn't pay attention to the flyer and
Speaker 1: the folder because it's kindergarten and I'm getting used to
Speaker 1: the fact that there's home marks everything, you know, and
Speaker 1: just rushing through all of that. I need to edit
Speaker 1: a video when I get hit, you know, like me
Speaker 1: in the blue shirt. How did I not see the
Speaker 1: But here's the thing is that you know he's eight
Speaker 1: he said, he's eight year soul. It's on me. I'm
Speaker 1: not even at the point where I can start putting
Speaker 1: that on her. At Nila School, they start this thing
Speaker 1: in the morning. You get a star for the day
Speaker 1: if you're on time. So my baby being punished if
Speaker 1: I get it. I'm not how to start. I was
Speaker 1: coming home talking about I didn't get a start to
Speaker 1: day and I can't even be like, well, damn it,
Speaker 1: why not exactly, I'm so sorry. We're gonna get you.
Speaker 1: That's when you go to target and you get a
Speaker 1: pack of stars, to be like, he's that star because
Speaker 1: you're a mommy star exactly exactly. Oh my gosh, so
Speaker 1: stuff like that. But yeah, my balance is really my break.
Speaker 1: Her father helps provide for that. So I get my
Speaker 1: break every weekend, and that's how I kind of reset.
Speaker 1: Now whether I use that time effectively to catch up
Speaker 1: or turn up sometimes, I mean, hey, three of the
Speaker 1: rest of the week. But yeah, that my releases my wine.
Speaker 1: That's like my staple and all my videos because that
Speaker 1: is a thing for me. I love my glass of
Speaker 1: ten's your favorite. I love red wine. It's been hot,
Speaker 1: so I've been going with the Shardonnay's just for a
Speaker 1: little you have a little lightness, but I prefer like
Speaker 1: a Cabernet. Okay, yeah, all right, So I even just
Speaker 1: reed together because I'm on the black box. Sometimes depend
Speaker 1: on how stressful the week is, I get my wine
Speaker 1: by box. It's kind of just like a little yea.
Speaker 1: Then I got my wine on TAPT There you go.
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. So you said, started
Speaker 1: with like a couple two hundred followers, you decided to just,
Speaker 1: you know, do the video. Tell me a little b
Speaker 1: about that journey. How did you decide to start putting
Speaker 1: it out? There, and it struggles that you've kind of
Speaker 1: encountered because we're similar in that our children are involved
Speaker 1: in our videos. You know, we're putting a little bit
Speaker 1: of our life out there, you know, and you know
Speaker 1: how it is when you create content, You put it
Speaker 1: out there and it's up for scrutiny, and you know
Speaker 1: it's all people have, their their things they want to say.
Speaker 1: So how does that affect you on a day to
Speaker 1: day when you're creating your content. So Nyla is definitely
Speaker 1: holding the brand back. Okay, like Nyla is just like
Speaker 1: these cameras, I can't even get a good instant story
Speaker 1: of her without her being like, why are you recording me?
Speaker 1: And so kind of learning her boundaries in that sense
Speaker 1: and not forcing that on her, but trying to bribe
Speaker 1: her as much as possible without her feeling overwhelmed by it.
Speaker 1: But sometimes she gets excited and she's into it, and
Speaker 1: I just tried to play on those moments. There's been
Speaker 1: times where I've had entire things set up and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I need her to be engaged in and she's not.
Speaker 1: So we're just gonna have to try this at another
Speaker 1: time or another day, which means that it could be
Speaker 1: next week because I have two days off every week.
Speaker 1: You know, some things like that can be frustrating. Uh,
Speaker 1: But just going with the flow so that she's comfortable,
Speaker 1: because I never want This is not something she's asking for, right,
Speaker 1: this is something that I'm doing, so thinking of different
Speaker 1: ways that I can just produce content on my own sometimes,
Speaker 1: which is funny because from my husband and I, it
Speaker 1: kind of started out that way with the kids. Of course,
Speaker 1: I said that video went viral with him and Cairo
Speaker 1: um and then people just want to see the kids
Speaker 1: because they're like, we love the kids. We love the kids,
Speaker 1: but also too at the same time, they're not on
Speaker 1: all the time and you don't want to force it.
Speaker 1: So that's when he and I had decided, you know what,
Speaker 1: let's start doing videos around us where we were talking
Speaker 1: about relationship issues or things that happened as parents. So
Speaker 1: that way it kind of gives the content, but it's
Speaker 1: not really involving the children and and knowing the boundaries
Speaker 1: at that which is difficult. And then you know, n
Speaker 1: list one child, but then I have three, and it's
Speaker 1: amazing how it's still baffles me to this day how
Speaker 1: two people can make children and they just be all
Speaker 1: completely different children or different people. And having to be
Speaker 1: able to um to curtail your your parenting style to
Speaker 1: that and you know, deciding when's a good time, when's
Speaker 1: a bad time for certain things. It could be a struggle,
Speaker 1: but I mean once you have a system going down,
Speaker 1: it tends to work out pretty well. Right, I'm not
Speaker 1: curtailing because I'm not no more parents and style, then
Speaker 1: no more babies coming from me. We got this one,
Speaker 1: this one baby, and everyone know it's like, it's going
Speaker 1: to be the right guy. It has nothing to do
Speaker 1: with anybody else what not having another mother being a
Speaker 1: mom is exhausting, it's draining. That's some ship. That's the
Speaker 1: ship that caught me off guard. It's Tyrant's very time.
Speaker 1: It's extremely literally is an exhausting, amazing experience. It's beautiful.
Speaker 1: It literally has made me realize that there is something
Speaker 1: that's greater than me, because I need to ask someone
Speaker 1: every day to make sure that this person is okay.
Speaker 1: It's the most undescribable love. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: absolutely not again. You heard that, not again? Devout Did
Speaker 1: you hear that? Not the funk again? Because every now
Speaker 1: and again he gets into these moments where he feels
Speaker 1: like he can like romance me into another baby. He's
Speaker 1: just like, come on, we could try one more time
Speaker 1: for you. And I'm just like, Bro, I don't even
Speaker 1: think we made girls. Bro, I think this thing where
Speaker 1: we just make boys. And my pediatrician even said, oh,
Speaker 1: the probability of you guys having a girl. It's like
Speaker 1: I was like, you see, the dude has probability. This
Speaker 1: is numbers. You want that these our effects. The doctor
Speaker 1: has percentages and whatnot. Okay, that's what the studies show.
Speaker 1: So is there anything about parenting that caught you off guard?
Speaker 1: We're talking about off guard moments where you're just like
Speaker 1: I did not expect that, whether it be from Nyla
Speaker 1: or just something that the way you react or deal
Speaker 1: with certain things, anything that catches you off guard where
Speaker 1: you say, like, bro, like how I think that just
Speaker 1: the overall thing from parenting or becoming a mom that
Speaker 1: I wasn't ready for was the permanence of everything, right,
Speaker 1: So the change and then the permanence the change. Right.
Speaker 1: So Nyla got here, I had, I gave birth to her,
Speaker 1: and then I'm like damn, like I really am not
Speaker 1: my own person anymore, like I have another person with
Speaker 1: me at all times. It's like the attachment to that,
Speaker 1: you know. So that's really the only thing that I
Speaker 1: feel completely caught off guard by. I'm caught off guard
Speaker 1: by things that I do myself that I judged my
Speaker 1: mother for. You know. I remember get my I'm getting
Speaker 1: off work. She had three kids as well, me and
Speaker 1: my two brothers, and telling us to run in and
Speaker 1: get a lunchable and nice to be like this lazy.
Speaker 1: You don't want to make me no dinner. You got
Speaker 1: me eating this lunchable. And then I have those full
Speaker 1: circle moments where I'm in rouse and I text her
Speaker 1: and I'm like, look, I hella just gotten a little
Speaker 1: lunchable for dinner because I just can't. Okay, You're like,
Speaker 1: I get it exactly. It's it's moments like that. Uh.
Speaker 1: And then Night was kind of just coming into her personality.
Speaker 1: So she's saying and doing things that do throw me off,
Speaker 1: just about like boundaries and just randomly grabbing butts and
Speaker 1: being interested in certain things. And it's not anything that's
Speaker 1: that's negative, but it's just a constant adjustment to another person.
Speaker 1: Because I got developing at the same time that I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm figuring myself out. And now she's in
Speaker 1: school now, so well you mentioned but it's a funny thing.
Speaker 1: I don't know what's so funny about but why kids
Speaker 1: love But it's but booty all that, and I'm just
Speaker 1: why is that funny? But then now you'll notice that
Speaker 1: she's in school, she's gonna start playing off of and
Speaker 1: picking up things from these other little kids in these schools,
Speaker 1: you know, and that's something that she always And then
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to come back that with you know,
Speaker 1: this stuff she learned at school and what you're trying
Speaker 1: to teach at home, and you know where you can
Speaker 1: draw the line with certain things. And then I have
Speaker 1: to be even more tapped into the fact that I'm
Speaker 1: sharing my time with her with another person and we're
Speaker 1: not we're not against each other, but we're not necessarily
Speaker 1: on the same page. That's why we didn't work out,
Speaker 1: because we're not to say we don't think the same
Speaker 1: parenting style parenting styles. Our parenting styles are different. We
Speaker 1: luckily agree on the major things, you know, major things
Speaker 1: being what major things like. I think both of us
Speaker 1: were hit a lot growing up, so we don't. We
Speaker 1: don't hit her. We don't hit her. That's one thing
Speaker 1: that I'm glad that we agree on. Um. As far
Speaker 1: as religion is concerned, he is actually Muslim and I'm
Speaker 1: I guess technically Christian. I don't know that sounds bad,
Speaker 1: but uh, we are not forcing anything on her as religion.
Speaker 1: So those are pretty important to me. But as far
Speaker 1: as you know, our randomly Facetimer and they're just chilling
Speaker 1: watching Chucky? Why are y'all watching Chucky? She's fine, I
Speaker 1: turn it off things like that. I said, home with
Speaker 1: all these nightmares and then yes, that comes, you know.
Speaker 1: So it's hard to monitor everything that's coming in when
Speaker 1: there's so many new environments like school, but then also
Speaker 1: going with Grandma who lets you have pepsi for breakfast,
Speaker 1: but then going with Daddy who's letting you watch Chucky,
Speaker 1: and they come home to me and you're mad because
Speaker 1: the tablet has a timer and you only have you
Speaker 1: everyone's kids. Everyone's on on different pages to the level
Speaker 1: of consistency for her, you feel like and do you
Speaker 1: feel like you're the disciplinarian. So I'm not the person
Speaker 1: you're the kill joy. I feel i'mna kill joy in
Speaker 1: my house a lot of times too. I am the
Speaker 1: kill though when the kids, when Devout speaks, the kids
Speaker 1: are like daddy, But I feel like I'm always the
Speaker 1: one that's just like I'll pick up a book and
Speaker 1: read it's been enough time with this and it's just
Speaker 1: like my, Like, you're always killing the fun. But it's
Speaker 1: like still that balance. It's hard within one household, so
Speaker 1: I can imagine being in like two to three different
Speaker 1: households dividing time. How that can be the only thing
Speaker 1: that I think keeps it consistent would be it never changes.
Speaker 1: Friday graph picture of Saturday, Daddy gets hers, Okay, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Speaker 1: Friday mommy. So it's different environments, but there's the consistency
Speaker 1: in the routine. Okay, so there's there's at least that
Speaker 1: she knows Friday means whatever you want for dinner? What
Speaker 1: I mean, Grandma's coming exactly, and things like that. That's dope.
Speaker 1: It's funny you mentioned like judging your mom for the
Speaker 1: lunchable situation or just judging parenting in general. And it's
Speaker 1: funny because now the Devil and I are parents, We've
Speaker 1: had moments where we sat back and we've looked at
Speaker 1: um I guess our parents and how they raised us,
Speaker 1: meaning he and I both being the oldest of three,
Speaker 1: and then raising our siblings thereafter. And then he talks
Speaker 1: about things that I do as a parent that he's like,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't tolerate that from your kids, so why would
Speaker 1: you do that? At the time, I'm like, bro, anybody
Speaker 1: like stop checking me because I feel like you're checking
Speaker 1: me right now and you're telling me. For example, he'll
Speaker 1: ask me to do something and I just won't do
Speaker 1: it in that moment, right And he's like, you didn't
Speaker 1: do X y Z, And I'm like, all right, I
Speaker 1: know I didn't do it, but I'm gonna get to it.
Speaker 1: See when you ask Jackson to do something and he's
Speaker 1: not going to do it in that moment, you're gonna
Speaker 1: come down on him. Yes I will, because he's my child.
Speaker 1: You're not my father. You know. We have those moments
Speaker 1: where he's like, well, you can't parent this way or
Speaker 1: move this certain kind of way and expect your children
Speaker 1: to do that or do the opposite, And I'm just like, yeah,
Speaker 1: but they're my kids, you know. Do you run by
Speaker 1: that whole like do as I say not as I
Speaker 1: do because for me sometimes I'm like, I know the
Speaker 1: errors in my way, So I'm gonna do this with
Speaker 1: my children. I'm going to make sure they do X
Speaker 1: Y Z a certain kind of way because I don't
Speaker 1: want them to do or make the mistakes that I've made.
Speaker 1: So do you ever find yourself in that those kind
Speaker 1: of like predicaments where you're like, I don't know. It's
Speaker 1: like the times where we get home and then I
Speaker 1: make her some chicken, your little mac and cheese with
Speaker 1: your spinach on the side, and she's staring at me
Speaker 1: because I'm sitting on the band I'm eating the big mac.
Speaker 1: Mind your business. You need to eat that. You need
Speaker 1: to eat healthy. My do you do you have mc
Speaker 1: donald's money literally right? Because I'm doing this over here,
Speaker 1: you need to worry about it. So I do think
Speaker 1: that I contradict what I want for my child sometimes
Speaker 1: with the way that I act. But I think a
Speaker 1: big part of that is still figuring out who I
Speaker 1: am and what I want for myself, which is probably
Speaker 1: the biggest struggle for me as a person raising up
Speaker 1: a young girl is still not knowing completely who I am,
Speaker 1: who you are, so so you're growing together, literally growing together.
Speaker 1: We're going together. Yeah, and I look at my things,
Speaker 1: you know that. It's funny how I can see the
Speaker 1: difference in parentings. Something that caught me off guard was
Speaker 1: um knowing how to style step with my children depending
Speaker 1: on what they need and knowing their personalities. So I
Speaker 1: can't parent both all three children the same way because
Speaker 1: they both or all three of them clearly have different strengths,
Speaker 1: different weaknesses. They need certain things in order to thrive,
Speaker 1: So it's not a matter of playing favorites. But sometimes
Speaker 1: I feel like that's a struggle for you because it's like,
Speaker 1: in that moment, I have to parent one child is
Speaker 1: a certain kind of way, and it may be seen
Speaker 1: as me just giving more time to that child, but
Speaker 1: it's like, I'm not really giving you more time. I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to see if I can get through to
Speaker 1: this child in this particular situation, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And that to me has become difficult. So then my
Speaker 1: my husband and I we look at like our parents,
Speaker 1: for example, and we're just like, see they were like
Speaker 1: really strict on us being the oldest, And then we
Speaker 1: look at our younger siblings and like y'allly it turned
Speaker 1: out bad, but clearly we have some things together that
Speaker 1: you'all don't have together. And it's no shade to our parents,
Speaker 1: but it's just like bro y'all raised us differently, and
Speaker 1: it's it's hard because now I can look like as
Speaker 1: a parent and say I get it, mom and dad, like,
Speaker 1: I get why you were so hard on me because
Speaker 1: you babi saw certain potentials in me, um not that
Speaker 1: you didn't see to my brother and my sister, but
Speaker 1: they're different and the way your parent is different, and
Speaker 1: that becomes such a struggle and it's so difficult sometimes.
Speaker 1: And that really threw me for a loop when it
Speaker 1: came to my own children, because I'm like, I don't
Speaker 1: want to ever do one of my children a disservice
Speaker 1: by not, you know, stole step into what they need.
Speaker 1: And that's to me, it's just so very very important
Speaker 1: and it's so different and it's so strange, and it's
Speaker 1: exhausting half the time because I'm just like, you could
Speaker 1: never just be. You can never just be. You're always
Speaker 1: having to kind of foresee how things are going to go.
Speaker 1: It's true though, because I'm also the oldest of three
Speaker 1: and I am the most well rounded of the three.
Speaker 1: You know, I have my stuff together, but I figure
Speaker 1: things out on my own, right. You know, my brother
Speaker 1: they're still they're in their young twenties, they're still babies,
Speaker 1: but they're taking the scenic route like my brother. Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I figure out what you want to do to the bank, right,
Speaker 1: give them your I D. This is how we fill
Speaker 1: out paperwork, right, you know what I mean that things
Speaker 1: like that that I'm just naturally accustomed to. Yes, that,
Speaker 1: but my mom still washes my brother's clothes. I know
Speaker 1: I was. I tell my mom all the time. I'm like,
Speaker 1: you can't say anything about my brother because you have
Speaker 1: created You've created that. Yes, well, you have two brothers,
Speaker 1: said so the boys too, Okay, the younger, two younger brothers, right, exactly,
Speaker 1: My brothers younger. Yeah, where they're the older ones, but
Speaker 1: they're both the younger bros. I have a different relationship.
Speaker 1: I think boys have a different relationship with the moms
Speaker 1: than girls have. It's true, me and my mom were
Speaker 1: head to head constantly, right, Whereas no matter what I know,
Speaker 1: even if my mom upset, my brothers like my mom
Speaker 1: right right, right, I guess I can look forward to
Speaker 1: that because not having a daughter, I always always like
Speaker 1: have anybody. But I said, you know what, God probably
Speaker 1: knew what he was doing because I probably not her
Speaker 1: teeth down or throat. If I had to. Given time,
Speaker 1: we would be arguing. Growing up, my mom would say,
Speaker 1: your karment is going to be when you have a daughter.
Speaker 1: Power in word that I was going to have a girl.
Speaker 1: She wow. I saw me recently um It talked about
Speaker 1: um It said something to the effect like, we need
Speaker 1: to stop tone checking black girls. Maybe they're just strong
Speaker 1: and opinionated and what they're saying. Do you feel like
Speaker 1: we should stop tone checking our young girls or is
Speaker 1: it there is there an attitude that's underlying half the time. No,
Speaker 1: they need to stop tone checking girls and me, I'm
Speaker 1: tired of being tone check I'm at working with I'm
Speaker 1: saying and I'm talking. They're like, okay, calm down. I said,
Speaker 1: I'm not upset, right, I'm just talking. I'm talking and
Speaker 1: I'm passionate about what I'm saying. I think that it's
Speaker 1: a perception of black women, just like there's a perception
Speaker 1: of black men that is threatening to people. So instead
Speaker 1: of interpreting what it is that they're saying as passionate
Speaker 1: or aware or intelligent, it's like, oh, I mean, okay,
Speaker 1: let's dial things back here, checking out. So but then
Speaker 1: also to age ranges too, So if it's a young
Speaker 1: girl talking to an adult or something, because there's no right,
Speaker 1: there's a difference. There's respect, but there's also the understanding
Speaker 1: that your child is a human and as a human,
Speaker 1: they're entitled to their emotions at the same time, right,
Speaker 1: So I don't feel like my daughter is my property.
Speaker 1: So if she's having an off day, yes, okay, so
Speaker 1: you are not allowed to talk to me like that, right,
Speaker 1: but I understand that you're you're having a moment right now,
Speaker 1: things like that. But no, she can't just be talking
Speaker 1: to anyone crazy all the time. Absolutely. Yeah, it's like
Speaker 1: a different generation of kids now two days because I
Speaker 1: know back in the day, I used to be so
Speaker 1: nervous to do anything or to to talk to anybody
Speaker 1: any kind of way with a little inflection, because I
Speaker 1: felt like it was going to get back to my mom,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get back to my dad. And now I
Speaker 1: get caught off guard with these children that I here
Speaker 1: on the bus sometimes or I'm training New York I'm like,
Speaker 1: who are you? Who raised you? Where? Like, just to
Speaker 1: be in the presence of an adult, there's certain things
Speaker 1: that you wouldn't do. Nowadays, it's just like anything goes.
Speaker 1: I mean, I just think everyone's gotten into the habit
Speaker 1: of mind in their business. That's really what it is.
Speaker 1: You're almost afraid to interview. And I feel like, probably
Speaker 1: back in the day, if I was on the bus
Speaker 1: and saying something crazy, there might have been a grown
Speaker 1: person that said, hey, that didn't necessarily know you that.
Speaker 1: You're like, hey, why are you talking crazy like that? Right?
Speaker 1: I hear a kid say something out of pocket in
Speaker 1: the mall. All right, let's go exactly. That's not mom,
Speaker 1: not trying to go viral for that reason, get into
Speaker 1: an argument. Absolutely not, absolutely not. Yes, So I feel
Speaker 1: like back in the day, like I was always afraid
Speaker 1: to just do anything in public because I felt like
Speaker 1: someone was watching and they were going to get back
Speaker 1: to my mom and dad and tell him that he
Speaker 1: was doing X Y Z in public. And we are
Speaker 1: not tolerating that, Like what is this? You know, what
Speaker 1: is the culture now? You people are just completely turning
Speaker 1: a blind eye to it and just saying that's not
Speaker 1: my kid. That's not my problem. How do you feel
Speaker 1: about that? That's exactly what it is. I do the
Speaker 1: same thing. It's not my kid, it's not my problem.
Speaker 1: I think you mind your business for one, because I
Speaker 1: do feel like I would want someone to mind their
Speaker 1: business with my kid too, especially if I don't know you.
Speaker 1: It's different when it's your friends or your family or
Speaker 1: anything like that. But there's less of a sense of community.
Speaker 1: I would say, it's more of a personal relationship with
Speaker 1: people versus, you know, just anyone in your apartment building.
Speaker 1: Before it was like a big family right right now,
Speaker 1: it's like you walking in out of your apartment, don't
Speaker 1: even make eye contact with me. I don't care who
Speaker 1: you are. You know. It's funny how you say that,
Speaker 1: because us having our apartment out in Brooklyn, there's definitely
Speaker 1: a shift in like the years prior to now, because
Speaker 1: even though there's been a lot of turnover, you know,
Speaker 1: people moving out, gentrification, people moving in. Literally there's like
Speaker 1: this whole like I'm gonna walk past you but not
Speaker 1: say hello. So it's to the point now we're purposeful
Speaker 1: like Divan and I will be like good morning, good morning.
Speaker 1: And then if the person doesn't reply, We're like, well,
Speaker 1: I guess it's not a good morning then, like real loud,
Speaker 1: so we could let them know, like, don't just be
Speaker 1: coming in and out of here, like that's just common
Speaker 1: decency with people. These are adults, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: But with children is different. I get what you're saying.
Speaker 1: I don't think I would intervene if there were people
Speaker 1: on the train, you know, kids acting up and being
Speaker 1: you know, wild and reckless. Sometimes I have energy for
Speaker 1: my three kids, how many have energy for somebody else's kid.
Speaker 1: It's like we talked about moms having these empty cups
Speaker 1: that we keep pouring into, and it's just like it's
Speaker 1: unfortunate that. Now, that's kind of how the culture is
Speaker 1: that you kind of just see it and you keep
Speaker 1: it moving. But I'd rather just save my energy and
Speaker 1: invested where I'm gonna see the return, and that's in
Speaker 1: my kids. You know. Also, never know how someone else
Speaker 1: is gonna respond, right, So it's like that fear. But
Speaker 1: there's a show on Netflix called Working Moms. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you've seen it, but it's actually hilarious. It's
Speaker 1: really good. And there's this scene where the mom is
Speaker 1: sitting down and she's eating brunch with our friend. And
Speaker 1: then another mom is walking by and her kid is
Speaker 1: throwing a tantrum, just full blown, like the mom is
Speaker 1: dragging her and the other mom that's sitting down. As
Speaker 1: they're walking past, the stranger says, hey, stop being a
Speaker 1: piece of ship, and the mom looks at her and
Speaker 1: she says thank you, And they just wanted that. So
Speaker 1: sometimes you feel like it might make someone feel better
Speaker 1: or or something a teachable moment, but or maybe you
Speaker 1: can see the desperation in that other mom's eye, like
Speaker 1: the kid may be having a moment. Sometimes you can't
Speaker 1: even judge. Sometimes you're just like, you know what, Mom,
Speaker 1: I see you. I get it. My kids do some crazy,
Speaker 1: recklesships some sounds too, and they want to embarrass me exactly.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. So things that we wish we were
Speaker 1: warned about with parenthood, any one thing sticks out in
Speaker 1: your mind other than the permanency even and you spoke
Speaker 1: about that before. But as we wrap this up, is
Speaker 1: there anything that you think that you should have been
Speaker 1: warned about or maybe you can warn someone about, like
Speaker 1: be prepared for this if you go with a parenthood,
Speaker 1: I can warn you personally about my own baby daddy
Speaker 1: before he gets someone else pray me that social because
Speaker 1: he ain't get no shout outs. So probably no child
Speaker 1: is the same like not and no pregnancy is the same.
Speaker 1: No child is the same, No journey is the same,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I would have saved a
Speaker 1: lot of time not being anxious over my kids development
Speaker 1: or you know, her not talking at the same time.
Speaker 1: I know four year old children that speak better than
Speaker 1: my five year old right now, but you know, they
Speaker 1: don't know their colors, but Nyla does. There's there's so
Speaker 1: many different trade offs between what is right for each
Speaker 1: individual kid. It's so true because sometimes I even find
Speaker 1: that it's true as parents we sometimes fall guilty. It's
Speaker 1: that it's like a competition like oh my child is
Speaker 1: so much more advanced than this child, or what's your
Speaker 1: kid doing? What's your kid doing? How about we mind
Speaker 1: our business and mind our children. You probably see it
Speaker 1: a lot with with three, I probably all had different
Speaker 1: stays where you're like, you know and then talk about,
Speaker 1: you know, having part portions of your life on social media.
Speaker 1: We've had people d m u s with Cairo, for example,
Speaker 1: when he was maybe a little over a year. Someone
Speaker 1: was like, wow, he's he's speech delayed for his age.
Speaker 1: You should really have someone check him out, because when
Speaker 1: I've studied, when I studied early childhood development, YadA, YadA,
Speaker 1: YadA YadA, And I was like, okay, unsolicited opinion. First
Speaker 1: of all, you see a thirty second to a minute
Speaker 1: video of my child and you you can diagnose him.
Speaker 1: But it's funny. Yeah, And it's one of those things
Speaker 1: that just kind of like you have to deal with
Speaker 1: it because you do put a portion of your life
Speaker 1: out there, so you can't. Some people don't get mad.
Speaker 1: I don't get mad anymore. I used to get mad.
Speaker 1: I feel blessed that there's only been one instance in
Speaker 1: all of the exposure or someone says something crazy about
Speaker 1: my kid. People say crazy about me all the time.
Speaker 1: And when they said something in that moment about Nily,
Speaker 1: did you backlash? Did you are you crazy? My mom? Text?
Speaker 1: But it's like, okay, talk about me even not my kids.
Speaker 1: I feel you on that one. I feel you on
Speaker 1: that one right now. It was so great sitting and
Speaker 1: talking to you, Jessica. It is great to actually sit
Speaker 1: down and finally like, you know, see you in the
Speaker 1: flesh and talk about your videos and your experience with
Speaker 1: Nyla and creating this brand that you have for yourself
Speaker 1: that has become a thing. And I'm happy you have
Speaker 1: it because Lord knows when you go into your page
Speaker 1: directly now, because I know where to find you. It's
Speaker 1: not going to be through you know, shared pages. Tell
Speaker 1: everybody where they can find you, where they can see
Speaker 1: your videos on Instagram, YouTube, all that good stuff. So
Speaker 1: my Instagram is at this is Jessica Rose. But if
Speaker 1: you want to follow me or subscribe to my YouTube channel,
Speaker 1: you just gotta type in she really had a baby,
Speaker 1: she really had a baby dot com and Jessica shrode
Speaker 1: on Facebook. Sounds good, It's true because I literally was
Speaker 1: typing in she real and then you popped up she
Speaker 1: really had a baby. So I'm just like, okay, perfect.
Speaker 1: So we were to find you. Hey, Jessica, I got
Speaker 1: a question for you. Do you mind sticking around and
Speaker 1: answering some listener letter questions for me? Because Devo is
Speaker 1: not here and I need to know what you got
Speaker 1: to say about these these listening letters. Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: let's see what they're talking about, all right, So we're
Speaker 1: gonna take a quick break, and then we're gonna move
Speaker 1: into listener letters right after we get into some ads.
Speaker 1: So Jessica and I are going to do some some
Speaker 1: answering of these listener letters. You know, we don't have
Speaker 1: to value here with the male perspective, but we're gonna
Speaker 1: see what you guys are asking to Dancy if we
Speaker 1: can give our two cents, So stay right here. This
Speaker 1: for the record. There it is Winds for the ages.
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Speaker 1: You realized tyger Wis doesn't know who we is best
Speaker 1: in the history of golf, no question in my mind.
Speaker 1: And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen,
Speaker 1: we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that
Speaker 1: the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?
Speaker 1: All American Tiger is out now listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or your favorite podcast app. Alright, y'all, thanks for coming
Speaker 1: back and joining me. Let me tell you. The inbox
Speaker 1: was super filled up, so you know what time it is.
Speaker 1: Let's get into it right away. All right, Jessica, you're
Speaker 1: ready for this story. Let's see. My boyfriend and I
Speaker 1: have been together for four years. Just this past year,
Speaker 1: he shared that he does not want children in the future.
Speaker 1: He seems very strong in his stance. What do I do?
Speaker 1: Do we try to work through this. I can't imagine
Speaker 1: my life without him or children. Help. The first thing
Speaker 1: that struck me in this is that she said it's
Speaker 1: her boyfriend, it's not your husband. There's no commitment here yet,
Speaker 1: so there's an out, which is a good thing. And
Speaker 1: I think children is a major decision. It's life changing.
Speaker 1: It's gonna follow you for the rest of your life,
Speaker 1: whether you like it or not. So that's something that
Speaker 1: you definitely have to be on the same page about.
Speaker 1: And I don't foresee things working long term because there
Speaker 1: will be resentment either way. Um, if you decide to
Speaker 1: stick with him and say, you know what, maybe you'll
Speaker 1: convince yourself I don't want children, but you really do.
Speaker 1: Then there's going to be a level of resentment in
Speaker 1: your life because you're gonna want to have children and
Speaker 1: he's not going to provide that for you, and vice versa.
Speaker 1: So you do have a child with him and he
Speaker 1: bends a little bit, and then he's just like, you
Speaker 1: know what, You're the reason why I'm a father. I
Speaker 1: think that relationships in general are enough of a task
Speaker 1: to work on. By throwing something like children into the
Speaker 1: mix can completely take it to a whole another level
Speaker 1: of stress and anxiety and work that I personally, UM
Speaker 1: don't foresee it working if you guys are not on
Speaker 1: the same page about children. I mean, people can change,
Speaker 1: but I don't think you continue relationship hoping that someone
Speaker 1: changes that. What do you think, Jessica, I think that's
Speaker 1: the perfect way to put it. People Definitely, you grow
Speaker 1: together sometimes and his want might develop, but it's not
Speaker 1: worth the stress of constantly trying to commence someone to
Speaker 1: be on the same page as you. And kids are
Speaker 1: a serious decision. It's already good that they're in a
Speaker 1: relationship where these are conversations that they're having, where they're planning.
Speaker 1: But if you're in a relationship where you're mature enough
Speaker 1: to sit down and do that, and he's communicating what
Speaker 1: he does and doesn't want with you, then I definitely
Speaker 1: think you should just cut ties, especially if it's not
Speaker 1: super committed. Plus, if it's really meant to be, you know,
Speaker 1: just go have baby with someone else that doesn't work
Speaker 1: out with them, startle back. Maybe you want to be
Speaker 1: a stepdaddy. Maybe maybe there will be true I don't
Speaker 1: even think of it that comes through steps and say
Speaker 1: you didn't want to help me raise someone else's baby.
Speaker 1: You're finding the loopholes and go ahead, like I finding
Speaker 1: the loophole. But but no, Yeah, children are That's a
Speaker 1: very very serious topic. And and like you said, you know,
Speaker 1: I think a fair for some people being in a
Speaker 1: relationship for a certain amount of time, you feel like, damn,
Speaker 1: I've invested. Did you say how many years they've been together?
Speaker 1: Four years? So she may feel like damn. Myst I
Speaker 1: was always wondering how old they are though, too, because
Speaker 1: that plays into it a little bit. If they're younger,
Speaker 1: maybe as they get old they could be fresh on
Speaker 1: up high school together or something, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: If they're still in their early twenties, maybe yeah, and
Speaker 1: not thinking about but do you have ten you have
Speaker 1: ten years in you true to that decision more, Like
Speaker 1: you said, if they're if they're say they're in their
Speaker 1: late thirties or forties, he may not want to be
Speaker 1: that older parent that's like, you know what I can
Speaker 1: do without children. I've actually met a woman recently that
Speaker 1: told me, based on the way the world is now,
Speaker 1: she wanted to have children years ago, but now she's like,
Speaker 1: I just can't foresee. I don't think my heart can
Speaker 1: take bringing a child into this world under the conditions
Speaker 1: we're in. It's a scary place. It's a scary place,
Speaker 1: which I get it, um, but I know that's sometimes
Speaker 1: I fear for a lot of people, like I don't
Speaker 1: want to just end this relationship after four years and
Speaker 1: have to start all over again. And I'm like you said,
Speaker 1: there's probably amazing things that you love about this man,
Speaker 1: but that's just one thing for me that's personally a
Speaker 1: deal breaker. Yeah, that's a deal breaker. So sorry, says,
Speaker 1: let me know how it works out. You know, just said,
Speaker 1: maybe he wants to be a step daddy. Go half
Speaker 1: on the baby with somebody else, with somebody else, and
Speaker 1: let him go and if it's meant to be, he'll
Speaker 1: come back. Jessica, sound an all poetic and sh all
Speaker 1: right on for the next letter, you want to read
Speaker 1: this one for me? Yes, all right, so good morning.
Speaker 1: I received my electrical engineering degree from the illustrious Morgan
Speaker 1: State University HBCU. Stand upright, marry my childhood sweetheart in
Speaker 1: two thousand sixteen, bought our home in right before giving
Speaker 1: birth to our first child, Jackson. Michael definitely named him
Speaker 1: this before watching your He was born in December. From
Speaker 1: the outside looking in, it looks like I have it all,
Speaker 1: but inside I am empty. My husband works as a
Speaker 1: police officer and loves his job. His passion and motivation
Speaker 1: is evident in the way he speaks about his career,
Speaker 1: and I too want that feeling of fulfillment. I'm now
Speaker 1: looking at my next step, whether it's going back to
Speaker 1: school or looking at different career paths. Codeine, how do
Speaker 1: you constantly travel and work doing what you love without
Speaker 1: feeling mommy guilt like you're missing out on your children's life.
Speaker 1: I love my son and I just don't want to
Speaker 1: miss anything while still making time for myself. Thank you, PS.
Speaker 1: Absolutely love what y'all do. Oh my goodness, hey girl,
Speaker 1: thank you. We love you back so much. Love coming
Speaker 1: through you know what's funny? Um In reading the story
Speaker 1: when you started reading, and I was like, wow, she
Speaker 1: seems to have everything figured out, Like she has went
Speaker 1: to school, HB to you, she has a great degree. Um.
Speaker 1: You know, it was kind of like the succession that
Speaker 1: people aspire to in life. I don't know if you
Speaker 1: felt that same way, Jessica, but me, for example, in
Speaker 1: Deval and I, we've spoken about it when we were
Speaker 1: younger in college, like we want to graduate, that we
Speaker 1: want to have this job, and then after the job,
Speaker 1: then we're gonna excel in our career, and then we'll
Speaker 1: get married, and then we'll have children and we'll just
Speaker 1: ride off into the sunset and be old and gray
Speaker 1: traveling one day. But it doesn't necessarily work out that
Speaker 1: way for a lot of people. So it was funny
Speaker 1: to see that I saw this kind of succession of
Speaker 1: like that quote unquote perfect life that people aspire to have.
Speaker 1: But still she has this feeling of emptiness inside um,
Speaker 1: which I think a lot of people suffer from from
Speaker 1: time to time, especially moms. Um, to answer your question,
Speaker 1: how do I travel without feeling mommy guilt? I feel
Speaker 1: the mommy guilt. I told you already about just the
Speaker 1: damn blue shirt, Like how much I felt guilty the
Speaker 1: entire day, and it bothered me that I felt like
Speaker 1: I was doing my son a disservice by not having
Speaker 1: something that he needed in that moment. Um. But I'm
Speaker 1: able to travel and I'm able to work a knowing
Speaker 1: that I have, you know, family that's able to help me,
Speaker 1: which is great. So the next best thing to me
Speaker 1: is going to be my mom. And I'm so fortunate
Speaker 1: and I'm so blessed to have my mom. I've told
Speaker 1: you guys before that my mom suffered a heart attack
Speaker 1: when she was fifty seven a couple of years ago,
Speaker 1: and that for me was like completely like my world
Speaker 1: completely crumbled at that moment because I felt what it
Speaker 1: was like to potentially not have my mom in that moment.
Speaker 1: And where would I be right now? Where would my
Speaker 1: husband be if I didn't have the help that we
Speaker 1: had from our families. So that is super important for us.
Speaker 1: And if you're fortunate enough to have your family and
Speaker 1: your tribe around, make use of that. And if you
Speaker 1: don't have that, um, the tribe doesn't have to be relatives.
Speaker 1: It could be a community of people who agree on
Speaker 1: things that you agree with, like just life, life, lessons
Speaker 1: life skills. Um. You know, morals and codes that you
Speaker 1: feel like align with you find a group of people
Speaker 1: like that who you can lean on when you need
Speaker 1: the help. Um. So that's super important for me as well.
Speaker 1: But I also I'm able to kind of subset some
Speaker 1: of that mommy guilt by making sure that I'm super
Speaker 1: present in the moments that I have with the kids.
Speaker 1: So it's not just those moments of like the kids
Speaker 1: are in the background playing and I'm just like sitting
Speaker 1: around strolling Instagram or stuff. Like my job requires that
Speaker 1: I'm on devices a lot because that's where you know,
Speaker 1: my my bread is buttered. But at the same time, too,
Speaker 1: I have to realize and I've made more of a
Speaker 1: conscious effort to make sure that in those moments with
Speaker 1: those boys that I can put my phone down, that
Speaker 1: I can really absorb what they're saying. Like I've had
Speaker 1: moments where Jackson would be talking to me and this
Speaker 1: is maybe like I want to say, two three years ago,
Speaker 1: he was talking to be a something that happened in school,
Speaker 1: and I was just busy on my phone, but not
Speaker 1: even busy doing work. It was like I was probably
Speaker 1: looking at some dumb shoot on Instagram and he was like, Mommy,
Speaker 1: d d d da. You know, he's telling me a
Speaker 1: story and I'm just like yeah, yeah yeah, and he's like,
Speaker 1: you're not even listening to me, and then he walked away,
Speaker 1: like break my heart into a million pieces. Why don't
Speaker 1: you just stop on the ground and like mommy, Like, so,
Speaker 1: that's a mommy guilt momment. My guilt doesn't come in
Speaker 1: working to help to provide a lifestyle that I want
Speaker 1: my children to have. My mommy guilt moments come in
Speaker 1: those moments where I'm just like, I'm not paying attention
Speaker 1: to my babies. And it's sad. It's you had those
Speaker 1: moments all the time. I mean, I think, especially with
Speaker 1: social media and a lot of business being on there,
Speaker 1: there's so many times that I justify what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: I'm not doing ship. I'm really not doing ship half
Speaker 1: the time, right, I'm telling myself, Oh, I gotta engage
Speaker 1: and do this side of the third And my daughter
Speaker 1: has said something over and over and over. That's where mommy, Mommy,
Speaker 1: mommy comes from because she had to say it six
Speaker 1: seven times for me to check in and pay attention.
Speaker 1: But I think it's important for us to feel the
Speaker 1: mommy guilt, because the good thing about feeling it is
Speaker 1: that we are checked in enough with our relationship with
Speaker 1: our children to feel that pain. Because the real problem
Speaker 1: is not feeling the mommy guilt. The real problem is
Speaker 1: never feeling it at all and never uh changing or
Speaker 1: or checking in. So if you don't feel those sad moments,
Speaker 1: it's either because you're perfect, which doesn't exist right or
Speaker 1: because you just you just don't care. You just don't care,
Speaker 1: You're not tuned in. So I feel that, Mommy, you
Speaker 1: a hell of a lot. Um, So don't feel bad
Speaker 1: for feeling that way. Like you said, that just means
Speaker 1: that you care. It means that you care. But also
Speaker 1: to um, you know you talk about your husband being
Speaker 1: super fulfilled in his career. You need to have your
Speaker 1: own outlet and whether that means your stay at home
Speaker 1: mom and you just need to have moments away with
Speaker 1: like your girlfriends or like you know, just time away
Speaker 1: from the kids. I feel like that time away too
Speaker 1: helps you to grow as an individual. To like you said,
Speaker 1: you have your two days, you're able to reconnect with yourself.
Speaker 1: You know, self care is a hot topic now. Taking
Speaker 1: the time to just kind of re energize and revive
Speaker 1: yourself as a mom, because you know you can't have
Speaker 1: that empty cup and continue to pour into people with
Speaker 1: nothing there for yourself. So you know, be kind to yourself,
Speaker 1: find out what it is that makes you tick again,
Speaker 1: if it's you know, going back into the electrical engineering,
Speaker 1: you know field, and trying to see how you can
Speaker 1: juggle that. I understand if Jackson is your only child,
Speaker 1: he's your first child, so you know you don't want
Speaker 1: to miss all those moments. Because I felt the same
Speaker 1: way with Jackson. You know, when I was working back
Speaker 1: in the day Um Jackson was born, I was working
Speaker 1: at mat Cosmetics and retail, and I feel like I
Speaker 1: missed the person entire a year and a half of
Speaker 1: his life because I was working in retail. You know, Um,
Speaker 1: I was gone for like twelve hours a day between
Speaker 1: commuting to and from work and just being on the
Speaker 1: floor working, and Devout had said to me, He's like, hey,
Speaker 1: if you want to be home, like I'm gonna I'm
Speaker 1: gonna help you do this, Like take that leap of
Speaker 1: faith and I'm be here to help you. And I
Speaker 1: was able to just step away from that and build
Speaker 1: my own makeup business and career outside of you know,
Speaker 1: that retail environment. So if it means you know, finding
Speaker 1: something for yourself, um, that you can then have flexibility
Speaker 1: to juggle with the kids, then all the better. It
Speaker 1: sounds like she has a choice about what she wants
Speaker 1: to do right now. It's just something that yeah, some
Speaker 1: of a lot of people don't have. You know, there's
Speaker 1: room for you to pick something where you might feel
Speaker 1: passionate or you might feel engaged, where it doesn't take
Speaker 1: up a lot of your time. Maybe if you're going
Speaker 1: to go back to school, go back part time. Um,
Speaker 1: just something that's gonna make you feel more motivated, but
Speaker 1: not so much so that you're missing out on your kids.
Speaker 1: Because I get it. I was the same way I
Speaker 1: was working full time. Nyla was in daycare at four months.
Speaker 1: Four months, she was in daycare twelve hours day. I
Speaker 1: was on the bus, I baby wrapped her to my chest,
Speaker 1: hopped on the bus, hopped off to drop her off
Speaker 1: on the bus, trying to breastfeed because I'm trying to
Speaker 1: hold onto the breastfeeding. I think we all feel mommy
Speaker 1: guilt about something all the time. I was just talking
Speaker 1: about how I was so exhausted. The other day, I
Speaker 1: passed out before her, and when I woke up, I
Speaker 1: saw her holding the book that I kept telling her
Speaker 1: I was going to read that I never read to her.
Speaker 1: And I read her the book at six thirty in
Speaker 1: the morning, work up before school. Like hey, you know,
Speaker 1: so just finding the opportunities when you do feel that
Speaker 1: guilt to check in and make up for it, you
Speaker 1: make yourself feel better. And and like I said before,
Speaker 1: these kids are resilient and they get them at enough
Speaker 1: credit because they definitely bounced back. And they have a
Speaker 1: way where they when they come to give you hugs
Speaker 1: and kisses because they are a lot more forgiving than adults. UM,
Speaker 1: So you know, don't feel too bad. Girls. It seems
Speaker 1: like you said, you have options. A lot of moms
Speaker 1: and dads out here, especially single moms and dads don't
Speaker 1: have the choice to be able to, um, decide on
Speaker 1: what it is they're going to do. They just have
Speaker 1: to do it by any means necessary. But you know,
Speaker 1: don't worry about it exactly exactly. You still have choices,
Speaker 1: have choices for sure. Definitely. All right, thank you so much, Jessica.
Speaker 1: You know what man I said, bring you back in
Speaker 1: here again. You know, on days when devot want to
Speaker 1: leave me high and dry, you can totally come in
Speaker 1: and we can totally like chop it up about other randoms.
Speaker 1: And if you want to be featured as one of
Speaker 1: our listener letters, email us at dead Ass Advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's dead Ass Advice at gmail. Come
Speaker 1: all right, Jessica. So if you've listened to dead As before,
Speaker 1: do you know that we end every episode with a
Speaker 1: moment of truth. And the moment of truth is just
Speaker 1: any takeaway that you have from this entire episode, something
Speaker 1: that either resonated with you, something that you want to
Speaker 1: implement later. What was your moment of truth after talking
Speaker 1: about our parenting journey and the challenges and being caught
Speaker 1: off guard with certain things. What's that one thing that
Speaker 1: you take away from today? Probably just the fact that
Speaker 1: no matter what your situation is, we all have the
Speaker 1: same feelings as moms. You know, this is even just
Speaker 1: from a listening a letter. She feels the same guilt
Speaker 1: as an established married person not working that you feel
Speaker 1: as an established working married person that I feel. We
Speaker 1: all have the same sad feelings and we shouldn't feel alone. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: no we don't. We can't feel alone. Yeah, no matter
Speaker 1: what your circumstances, absolutely right, we're all experiencing some of
Speaker 1: the same thing. Because the minute you say mommy, Gil,
Speaker 1: it's like, I know exactly what that feels like. I
Speaker 1: know exactly what that feels like. Um. I think my
Speaker 1: moment of truth after talking about just the parenting journey challenges, um,
Speaker 1: being call out off guard, is that, UM, you gotta
Speaker 1: take it one day at a time like that was
Speaker 1: my grandmother's favorite, saying bless her heart she passed away
Speaker 1: a couple of years ago. That was my home girl.
Speaker 1: But literally taking things one day at a time. Naturally,
Speaker 1: you're gonna plan for your children's future. You're gonna plan for,
Speaker 1: you know, things that you want them to achieve, you know,
Speaker 1: working with your children to see what it is that
Speaker 1: they want out of life. But at the same time
Speaker 1: to knowing that you kind of have to be kind
Speaker 1: to yourself sometimes and just know that this is a
Speaker 1: learning process for you too, and there really is no
Speaker 1: wrong way to do it, but just learning from those
Speaker 1: times where you feel like, damn, I could have done
Speaker 1: this differently, Like we've had moments to val and I
Speaker 1: where you know, we've had to reflect his parents, he
Speaker 1: and I and he's like, you know, damn, I shouldn't
Speaker 1: have handled it this way with Jackson. I should have
Speaker 1: done this or taken this approach, or you know, in
Speaker 1: co parenting or just having a relation and ship being
Speaker 1: able to check the other parents and say, I don't
Speaker 1: think you did this in a way that was suitable
Speaker 1: for this child in this moment, with this circumstance. Maybe
Speaker 1: try this next time. And it should always be an
Speaker 1: open dialogue, especially between parents like you have. You know,
Speaker 1: your your daughter's father, who you know, you're in contact with,
Speaker 1: and y'all talk about things you know that matter, so
Speaker 1: you know, being on somewhat of the same page, so
Speaker 1: that there's some cohesion because we all know each other,
Speaker 1: keeping each other accountable, and we're knowing that the children
Speaker 1: do work well when there's some sort of routine. So,
Speaker 1: you know, shout out to all the parents out there,
Speaker 1: because you know, we want to struggle bus together. We really,
Speaker 1: we really are the struggle bus together. Jessica, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for coming in and joining. It's been so
Speaker 1: much fun talking to you on air and off air.
Speaker 1: We've been here kicking about everything under the Sun, So
Speaker 1: it's really great to have you here. And make sure
Speaker 1: you guys tune into Jessica's YouTube page and she gave
Speaker 1: you her handles and all that good stuff. So thank you, Jessica.
Speaker 1: Thank you all right, and be sure to follow us
Speaker 1: on social media. My handle is Cadine I am on Instagram,
Speaker 1: and of course my husband Devo, he's not here but
Speaker 1: in spirit. Maybe sure to follow him. I am Devot
Speaker 1: on Instagram. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be
Speaker 1: sure to rate review because we love to hear your
Speaker 1: feedback on what you like and what we can improve
Speaker 1: on for the second season. And don't forget to hit
Speaker 1: that subscribe button that way, when we do the new episode,
Speaker 1: it will automatically download to your phone right Dead as
Speaker 1: dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by
Speaker 1: T Square and Dinora Penia. Our chief content officer is
Speaker 1: Chris Bannon. Our associate producers are Kristin Torrez and Trouble,
Speaker 1: our studio engineer and original music is by Brendan Burns
Speaker 1: and mixed by Andy Christian's daughter. We'll back. I'm Drew
Speaker 1: McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going
Speaker 1: on right now as parts the stitching up work called
Speaker 1: Substraction that's available everywhere. Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify,
Speaker 1: Apple Go. Listen right now to the Distraction, right now,
Speaker 1: it's out. Do it, please,