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Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't

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Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know

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Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's

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Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die

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Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a

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Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was

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Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel

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Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And

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Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope

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Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,

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Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy.

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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat. I am the host.

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Speaker 1: And if you are new, or maybe if you're not

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Speaker 1: new and you just need a reminder, I want to

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Speaker 1: let everything know up top that although this podcast is

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Speaker 1: hosted by a therapist and it's called You Need Therapy,

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Speaker 1: it does not serve as a replacement or substitute for

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Speaker 1: any actual mental health services, but I always hope that

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Speaker 1: these episodes can help you guys in some way wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in your own story. Now, today it's a

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Speaker 1: solo episode, and it was inspired by some recent happenings

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Speaker 1: on social media. And we're actually talking about a topic

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Speaker 1: that I've brought up here multiple times before. I've done

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Speaker 1: a whole episode on this before. I don't exactly remember

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Speaker 1: when that was, but I feel like it may have

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Speaker 1: been in the last year. But the topic is performative vulnerability.

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Speaker 1: And before we get into all of the content, I

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Speaker 1: want to just start with in a nutshell, explaining what

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Speaker 1: performative vulnerability is, because I feel like those are two

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Speaker 1: big words, and obviously performative performance and vulnerability vulnerability, So

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Speaker 1: when I put those together, what does that mean? And

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Speaker 1: for me, it is essentially the act of sharing, rather

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Speaker 1: over sharing our stuff to seek some sort of validation

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Speaker 1: rather than to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable, you don't

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Speaker 1: really know what you're going to get, right, But when

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Speaker 1: we are being performative in our vulnerability, we are looking

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Speaker 1: to get a certain thing, and so our vulnerability can

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Speaker 1: be manipulated and shifted and changed and twisted and turned

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Speaker 1: in order to obtain that type of validation, attention, affirmation

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Speaker 1: that we're seeking. And the reason I wanted to talk

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Speaker 1: about this again is because I want to think that

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Speaker 1: doing one episode on this and then like hoping that

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Speaker 1: it just sticks with all of us. It's like the

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Speaker 1: same idea where I sometimes have to read the same

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Speaker 1: books over again, or I have to practice the same

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Speaker 1: skill over again because just learning it and then like

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Speaker 1: moving on with my life life. If I never use

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Speaker 1: it again or never pay attention to it again, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna lose it. And so I thought that it would

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Speaker 1: be helpful because I continue to see this stuff everywhere.

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Speaker 1: I can fall into this category. Sometimes I see other

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Speaker 1: people falling into this category sometimes, and so it just

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Speaker 1: is helpful to come back to it every now and

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Speaker 1: then and talk about it and talk about why it's

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Speaker 1: important in how we can help ourselves, which might help

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Speaker 1: other people, but really the only people we can control

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Speaker 1: is ourselves. So how can we help ourselves live more

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Speaker 1: authentically and less performatively, which I get it. Before we

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Speaker 1: get into this, I feel like there's like so many

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Speaker 1: caveats and things and disclaimers I want to put out here,

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Speaker 1: which I'm not going to that's part of you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm being vulnerable here, and that is I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to be able to protect or make sure that you

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Speaker 1: guys hear everything I'm saying in the right way. But

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Speaker 1: I do want to say that I get I totally

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Speaker 1: get why we would be doing this, and I get

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Speaker 1: into that a little bit. And in here, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to send the message that I'm trying to shame

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Speaker 1: or pick sides if these people are good and these

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Speaker 1: people are bad, or these people are better than these

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Speaker 1: people because they do this and they don't do this.

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Speaker 1: I get it. This is a human I mean, we're

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Speaker 1: all out here trying to be human and trying to survive,

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Speaker 1: and this is something that comes up. So I want

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Speaker 1: to first start with talking about the differences between being

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Speaker 1: vulnerable and receiving vulnerability, because it is a different experience.

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Speaker 1: When we receive somebody's vulnerability, we experience something very different

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Speaker 1: inside of us, for the most part, than when we

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Speaker 1: are being vulnerable ourselves. And if that is confusing to you,

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Speaker 1: then you can simply just think about a time when

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Speaker 1: somebody has been vulnerable with you. This can be in person,

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Speaker 1: it can even be online, it can be in this

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Speaker 1: like social media relationship. Maybe this one way social media

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Speaker 1: relationship with an influencer, or this could be with a

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Speaker 1: conversation with a friend or a human face to face.

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Speaker 1: When I think about this, I almost imagine like a

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Speaker 1: drop of tension within myself, a safeness, a closeness, a

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Speaker 1: sense of connection of not being alone, or feeling the

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Speaker 1: sense of confidence of myself for being somebody that someone

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Speaker 1: would want to share this information with. And what's interesting

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Speaker 1: is you flip that when you're being vulnerable yourself, oftentimes

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Speaker 1: the experience is very different. While it's happening. There might

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Speaker 1: be a lot of fear and increase in our heartbeat,

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Speaker 1: even like physical experiences are different, maybe possible racing thoughts,

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Speaker 1: wondering if there's going to be a loss of connection

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Speaker 1: versus this gain. And this is a much more stressful

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Speaker 1: role to be in, which makes sense that people would

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Speaker 1: be hesitant to step into this role. There's a lot

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Speaker 1: of risk in being the one offering the vulnerability, right

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Speaker 1: the reward can be huge and the risk can be

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Speaker 1: great as well. And I will be the first to

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Speaker 1: admit I love being on the receiving end of vulnerability.

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Speaker 1: I love it so much that I've actually made it

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Speaker 1: my job, and I think people assume that because this

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Speaker 1: is my job, I love to be vulnerable myself and

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Speaker 1: it comes really easy and natural to me, and that

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Speaker 1: I love having deep conversations about my mistakes and fears

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Speaker 1: and imperfections and inside of me that you can't always see.

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Speaker 1: And for the people that are assuming that, I want

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Speaker 1: you guys to know that that could not be any

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Speaker 1: farther from the truth. I am just as human as

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Speaker 1: anybody else. And the therapeutic relationship is really interesting because

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Speaker 1: while I am there to provide a safe space and

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Speaker 1: a container and the work I do is very much relational,

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Speaker 1: the work I do is also very much not about me.

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Speaker 1: I have to check a lot of my stuff at

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Speaker 1: the door, and sometimes that's tough, and sometimes it's a

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Speaker 1: blessing because I get to take myself out of that experience.

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Speaker 1: My stuff is going to show up because I'm a

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Speaker 1: human and you can't completely be a blank slate. But

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Speaker 1: that gets to be part of my job that I

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Speaker 1: get to turn that part of me off for a

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Speaker 1: little bit. And I have to be vulnulnerable to extent

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Speaker 1: in my job because I have to be able to

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Speaker 1: take risks with my clients and do things that sometimes

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Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable or there's unknown and where it's going to go.

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Speaker 1: But for the most part, my job does not involve

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Speaker 1: the risk of sharing my own story in a way

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Speaker 1: that I'm not comfortable with. And this topic always makes

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Speaker 1: me think about the conversation I had with JP Sachs

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Speaker 1: on here about a year and a half or maybe

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Speaker 1: a year ago, I don't exactly remember when that was,

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Speaker 1: but I asked him what it was like for him,

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Speaker 1: specifically as a man, to be as vulnerable as he

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Speaker 1: is with his music, to which he replied, to my surprise,

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Speaker 1: but he replied with something along the lines of it

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Speaker 1: is actually one of the least vulnerable things he does,

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Speaker 1: and he curates his music to sound exactly how he

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Speaker 1: wants it to sound, to tell the story exactly the

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Speaker 1: way he wants to tell it, in a way that

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Speaker 1: kind of remove the vulnerability from that experience. And there

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Speaker 1: might be vulnerability in sharing something you've worked really hard

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Speaker 1: on and you want people to enjoy it, but the

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Speaker 1: vulnerability about the emotions of the story is somewhat lost

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Speaker 1: during that curation process of the song itself. And I

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Speaker 1: have so much appreciated him saying that, And the reason

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Speaker 1: I come back to that so often is because it

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Speaker 1: has been so helpful for me, specifically under to understand

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Speaker 1: the world differently. And it kind of was one of

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Speaker 1: those moments where it was like, Oh, WHOA like red Flag, Catherine,

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Speaker 1: you are assuming so many things about what people share.

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Speaker 1: You're assuming that people have not taken the time to

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Speaker 1: write this story exactly how it needs to be in

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Speaker 1: a way that removes the uncertainty or the risk that

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Speaker 1: might be involved. And I think that what's interesting is

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Speaker 1: risk is defined by each of us separately. What is

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Speaker 1: risky for me emotionally, it might not be risky for

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Speaker 1: somebody else. And so I'm not saying that that because

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Speaker 1: that's JP Sacks's experience, that every artist is not being

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Speaker 1: vulnerable by sharing certain emotions and certain stories and certain songs,

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Speaker 1: because I don't think that's true. I think that what

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Speaker 1: it really taught me is that I can't assume that

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Speaker 1: that is true about everybody, and I can't assume that

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Speaker 1: that's not true about people we just don't know, and

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Speaker 1: we have to really monitor how we are putting our

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Speaker 1: own stories on other people without having all of the

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Speaker 1: information so it was really less about what I'm saying there.

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Speaker 1: It was less about him, and it was more about

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Speaker 1: checking like what I'm showing up with and what I'm

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Speaker 1: just like putting on people. And maybe this would be

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Speaker 1: helpful too, to define vulnerability. So we are all kind

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Speaker 1: of on the same page. But I really like the

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Speaker 1: way Brene Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure,

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Speaker 1: and she says, to be vulnerable means to be secure

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Speaker 1: enough within yourself that you were able to show up

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Speaker 1: and be seen without any armor on, without carrying around

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Speaker 1: your masks. We feel vulnerable when we step out of

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Speaker 1: our comfort zone or do something that forces us to

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Speaker 1: loosen our let go of control. And there's different I

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Speaker 1: think levels of vulnerability, right. I think that sometimes we

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Speaker 1: can be completely vulnerable, and sometimes there are certain spaces

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Speaker 1: that we can't be vulnerable in and we do feel

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Speaker 1: a little bit more comfortable there, maybe because we've been

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Speaker 1: there before and we've experienced some things before, or because

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Speaker 1: we are maybe more secure in different areas of our life.

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Speaker 1: And what we cannot judge is what is vulnerable for

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Speaker 1: other people, which is really hard and it's hard for me.

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Speaker 1: I think there are some universal things that like, well,

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Speaker 1: that would be vulnerable no matter who you are, and

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Speaker 1: there are some things that I'd be like, oh gosh,

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Speaker 1: I don't know that I could do that, but for

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Speaker 1: somebody else that might not feel like a vulnerable experience.

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Speaker 1: And there's so many different examples of that. I don't

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Speaker 1: even think we could start to get into it. But

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Speaker 1: I do want to talk about something recently that actually

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Speaker 1: inspired me bringing this up. A couple of weeks ago,

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Speaker 1: or maybe it might have been months ago, I don't know,

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Speaker 1: there was a trend going around on social media where

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Speaker 1: basically somebody would post a carousel of pictures and the

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Speaker 1: first one would say Instagram is fake. Here a list

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Speaker 1: of things that are true about me or something along

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Speaker 1: like those lines, and then the person and the other

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Speaker 1: pictures of the carousel would post a series of seemingly

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Speaker 1: vulnerable confessions about themselves and possible struggles that they have.

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Speaker 1: And before I say anything else, because I really don't

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Speaker 1: want to send the wrong message, I am not taking

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Speaker 1: a stand here on if I think this trend is

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Speaker 1: good or bad. Like most things, I think it can

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Speaker 1: be both. What I am taking a stand on is

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Speaker 1: something that I noticed happening both on social media and

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Speaker 1: more specifically within myself. That caused me to pause. And

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Speaker 1: the first thing I noticed was when I saw one

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Speaker 1: of these stories, I was like, oh gosh, that's interesting.

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Speaker 1: I think about that too, like, shoot, that's more common

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Speaker 1: maybe than I thought it was. And then that thing

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Speaker 1: that I connected to I started thinking about way way

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Speaker 1: more so it was interesting, like it allowed this thought

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Speaker 1: that I didn't really like that I thought I was

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Speaker 1: alone in it, then allowed it to show up more

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Speaker 1: and more and more, and I didn't really like that,

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Speaker 1: but I don't necessarily think that's good or bad. And

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Speaker 1: then I kind of went on with my life. And

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Speaker 1: then this trend started getting more popular. And as the

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Speaker 1: trend became more popular and I started seeing more of them,

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Speaker 1: I started noticing, rather than me connecting with the things

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Speaker 1: that people were saying, I started noticing different things popping

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Speaker 1: up in my head, like one these posts seemed to

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Speaker 1: be getting progressively more detailed and personal. Also, I wondered

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Speaker 1: what I would share if I posted one of these,

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Speaker 1: And then I was wondering, why haven't I posted one

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Speaker 1: of these? Why have I not sat down undone this,

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Speaker 1: Why haven't I engaged in this, and then I wondered, well,

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Speaker 1: should I be sharing this, like would that be inappropriate?

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Speaker 1: Or do I need to Am I avoiding something? Am

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Speaker 1: I not avoiding something? Like? All of these more personal

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Speaker 1: things kept popping up within myself, and I have a

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Speaker 1: hard time. I've spoken about this a lot, and if

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Speaker 1: I talk about this with people in my own personal

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Speaker 1: life quite often, I have a hard time genuinely leaning

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Speaker 1: into social media vulnerability because I'm a really true skeptic

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Speaker 1: and have become a true skeptic of intention in the

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Speaker 1: past three to five years, probably so much of social

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Speaker 1: media is now in some way connected to profit, whether

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Speaker 1: that's financial profit, social profit, any of those kinds of things.

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Speaker 1: And yes, I do think the authenticity and the real

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Speaker 1: vulnerability is out there, but I also have been duped

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Speaker 1: enough times to walk through those waters with a lot

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Speaker 1: more caution than I used to, because I want to

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Speaker 1: be that person that trusts everybody, and I think that's

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Speaker 1: naturally who I am. And I've learned that I need

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Speaker 1: to be for, not for other people, not so I

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Speaker 1: can call other people out or tell other people what

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Speaker 1: to do, so I can be more aware of what

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Speaker 1: I'm seeing and not read too much into things and

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Speaker 1: then start comparing myself to something that might not be

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Speaker 1: what it is trying to show up as. And in

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Speaker 1: the moment I wondered what I would share if I posted,

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Speaker 1: I found myself being very hesitant in allowing certain parts

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Speaker 1: of my story to be in the running of that post.

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Speaker 1: And at first I was really hard on myself for this.

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Speaker 1: And it was almost as if, for a second, this

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Speaker 1: trend that I originally assumed was created to help me

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Speaker 1: feel more normal, and it did with the first post

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Speaker 1: that I saw. It was actually one of my friends

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Speaker 1: that posted it. And for a second, this trend that

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Speaker 1: I originally assumed was created to help us feel more normal,

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Speaker 1: and it did for a second with me, then started

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Speaker 1: to encourage me to question my authenticity. Why didn't I

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Speaker 1: feel okay posting the deepest stuff, the most vulnerable things

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Speaker 1: about me? As I was thinking about what I would post,

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Speaker 1: I was only okay posting the vulnerable parts I wasn't

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Speaker 1: really worried about. Which is that really vulnerability? What kind

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Speaker 1: of vulnerability is that? Selective vulnerability? Is that? Is that

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Speaker 1: a thing? And is that good or bad? It? For

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Speaker 1: a second felt like I was only going to give

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Speaker 1: you know, in quotes, just enough to gain some attention

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Speaker 1: of that trend and to be included in that trend,

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Speaker 1: but not too much that it would cause a moderate

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Speaker 1: amount of discomfort within me. And so that kind of

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Speaker 1: rattled me for a second. I felt a little bit

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Speaker 1: like a you know, like fraud, Like what why can't

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Speaker 1: I I share this? I should be, of all people,

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Speaker 1: someone that's okay with doing that, like a kind of

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Speaker 1: all of these pressures I was putting on myself. Nobody

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Speaker 1: put those on me. I put them on myself. And

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Speaker 1: then I paused, and I checked the facts, and I

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Speaker 1: quickly remembered the first part of that trend, Instagram is

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Speaker 1: not real. The entire point of that trend was calling

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Speaker 1: out Instagram not being real. And I sat with that,

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Speaker 1: and I actually don't agree with that. I don't agree

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Speaker 1: with that sentence. I believe Instagram sometimes is real and

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Speaker 1: sometimes it's not real, and sometimes when it is real,

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Speaker 1: it's also not the whole story. Instagram is a tool.

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Speaker 1: It's something we use to get certain needs met, whether

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Speaker 1: it's entertainment, connection, affirmation, distraction. The list could go on forever,

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Speaker 1: and we use that tool in different ways depending on

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Speaker 1: the feelings we are sitting with or avoiding, and the

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Speaker 1: need we are after. And just like JP curates the

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Speaker 1: stories and the emotions shared within his music, we have

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Speaker 1: the tendency to twist and shift and lighten and blur

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Speaker 1: and rotate the content we share. It might not be fake,

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Speaker 1: it might not be lies, but it also might not

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Speaker 1: be as raw as we intended, because vulnerability feels like

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Speaker 1: removing our armor, and if we are being vulnerable onto

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Speaker 1: social media, we are then removing our armor and jumping

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Speaker 1: into the dumpster fire of online commentary and judgment, which

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Speaker 1: to me can really sound like insanity. I don't know

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Speaker 1: that that is necessary for me at this moment in

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Speaker 1: my life, or anybody. I don't get to decide that

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Speaker 1: for other people. I get to decide that for myself.

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Speaker 1: And I've noticed that vulnerability seems at times like it's

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Speaker 1: been touted as the morally higher place to be, where admiration, affirmation,

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Speaker 1: and attention are given to those in quotes willing or

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Speaker 1: in quotes courageous enough to enter this raw space. And

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's bad or wrong. Again, this whole

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Speaker 1: episode is about me noticing things and sinning with things,

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Speaker 1: and as I'm noticing things and sitting with things. I

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Speaker 1: am noticing and have noticed that admiration, affirmation, and attention

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Speaker 1: are all things we search for in our attempt to

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Speaker 1: feel a semblance of love and connection, and this sometimes

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Speaker 1: provides us with a more manufactured version of what we're desiring.

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Speaker 1: I believe things like attention at times can be this manufactured,

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Speaker 1: man made version of love. And I do believe people

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Speaker 1: can be vulnerable on social media. I believe sometimes this

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Speaker 1: is healthy and sometimes it goes a little far. And

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Speaker 1: I also think we muddy the waters, or we have

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Speaker 1: muddied the waters of where armor is protection and where

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Speaker 1: it is seen as weakness. And what I want to

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Speaker 1: share with you guys is that the line can be

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Speaker 1: and will look different for everybody, and it will also

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00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:52,200
Speaker 1: change throughout our lives through this experience. For myself, as

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Speaker 1: I was contemplating like should I post this? Or should

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Speaker 1: I post this? What would I post? Why can't I

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Speaker 1: post this? I was giving myself the like, but mom,

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Speaker 1: all my friends are doing it vibes, contemplating engaging with

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Speaker 1: this trend, until my own armor replied, well if all

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Speaker 1: your friends jumped off a bridge, would you, which was

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00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:16,720
Speaker 1: obviously such an annoying thing when your mom or dad

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00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,960
Speaker 1: or whoever would say that to you, but also one

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Speaker 1: of the most helpful snaps into reality I think that

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Speaker 1: I have sometimes So for me, the armor stayed on

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00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,280
Speaker 1: and that post wasn't made, hasn't been made, not saying

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Speaker 1: it never will be made, but I didn't do it,

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00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,119
Speaker 1: not because fear of my own fear or fear of

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Speaker 1: being vulnerable or any of that, but because I listen

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Speaker 1: to my fear. Fear oftentimes keeps us safe, and to

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Speaker 1: be fearless would be, I believe, wildly negligent. Sometimes I

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Speaker 1: do things while being afraid, and sometimes I don't do

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Speaker 1: things because I'm afraid. And it's not this one size

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Speaker 1: fits all feeling. To really understand what our feelings are

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Speaker 1: telling us, we have to listen to them. We can't

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Speaker 1: just say, oh, this means this, and this means this,

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Speaker 1: and this means this, and this doesn't matter here and

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00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,879
Speaker 1: this doesn't matter here. In every situation, those feelings are

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Speaker 1: going to pop up saying different things. We have to

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00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,840
Speaker 1: take the space and the time to listen to them.

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Speaker 1: And you know, this has been coming up a lot too,

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Speaker 1: like the way social media just moves so fast, you know,

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Speaker 1: like trends are moving, these things are cycling. Information gets

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Speaker 1: out so fast. We live in a very speedy world,

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Speaker 1: and I think part of that creates, specifically for me,

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Speaker 1: this urge to act immediately right because I'm going to

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Speaker 1: either miss the trend or I'm I'm going to be

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Speaker 1: you know, why didn't I just have an answer for that?

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Speaker 1: Like even sometimes I find myself on this podcast feeling

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Speaker 1: like I have to respond to certain questions or comments

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Speaker 1: or whatever it is in a very efficient manner, because

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Speaker 1: if I take time to think about it, what does

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Speaker 1: that mean? And I have been really working on slowing

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Speaker 1: down my responses, whether that's to my friends, to my family,

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Speaker 1: to myself to social media, put some space between some

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Speaker 1: of the judgments I make often on some of the

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Speaker 1: stuff I do see on social media, whether that's judgment

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00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:20,239
Speaker 1: of something positive or negative. I think part of that

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00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,120
Speaker 1: might come from I see a lot of people being

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Speaker 1: called out on social media, specifically more prominent people with

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Speaker 1: large followings for not responding in the manner that the

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Speaker 1: people that follow them would like them to. And we

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Speaker 1: forget that we're all humans trying to like survive, and

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Speaker 1: sometimes we need space to figure out what we want

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Speaker 1: to say, and sometimes it's not necessary for us to

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Speaker 1: respond to everything. But what I know right now is

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Speaker 1: if I were to engage in that trend, it wouldn't

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00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,240
Speaker 1: be to help others feel more connected. It wouldn't be

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00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,200
Speaker 1: to show others that they're not alone, or to normalize

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00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:59,520
Speaker 1: certain things, you know, all the altruistic reasons out there.

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00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,919
Speaker 1: It would have been to engage in a trend that

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00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,880
Speaker 1: was giving people attention. And that is me being honest.

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00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,359
Speaker 1: It would have been to get attention. And my fear

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00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,040
Speaker 1: was saying, hey, you might want to sit this one

394
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:15,000
Speaker 1: out right now. It's not for you, This might not

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00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:18,440
Speaker 1: be for you. I also noticed guilt and shame that

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00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,200
Speaker 1: came up in that as well, and when I allowed

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00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,800
Speaker 1: myself to sit in those feelings, I was able to

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00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,520
Speaker 1: understand that that guilt and shame was not just connected

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Speaker 1: to the vulnerable parts of me, to me being vulnerable,

400
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,320
Speaker 1: which then created like more shame within myself when I

401
00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:35,800
Speaker 1: just assume that if I feel this shame, it must

402
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,639
Speaker 1: be because I'm ashamed of what my vulnerabilities are, and

403
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,920
Speaker 1: then I felt shame for being shameful of my vulnerabilities,

404
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,800
Speaker 1: and like the cycle would never end. But when I

405
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,720
Speaker 1: sat and listened to those feelings, I noticed it's not

406
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,080
Speaker 1: so much that I was ashamed of sharing those things.

407
00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:53,119
Speaker 1: It's because my intention in sharing was not connected to

408
00:22:53,160 --> 00:23:02,240
Speaker 1: my value system. So I used to follow this content

409
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,680
Speaker 1: creator on Instagram who had an account where she would

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00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,800
Speaker 1: post pranks that her and her partner and then later

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00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,080
Speaker 1: her friends would like pull on each other. They're really funny,

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00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:14,679
Speaker 1: they're sometimes pretty extreme, And as I followed her, they

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00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:18,000
Speaker 1: began to get more and more extreme, and I kind

414
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:20,399
Speaker 1: of started wondering, like, how are you guys still falling

415
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,600
Speaker 1: for these? Like what I feel like I would just

416
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:27,040
Speaker 1: like know at a certain point, And eventually I saw

417
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,200
Speaker 1: a video that she posted where she outed herself saying

418
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,760
Speaker 1: that like they were staged, these things were not real,

419
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,200
Speaker 1: and that she also was posting videos that she made

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00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,480
Speaker 1: with other people under other accounts that also were not real,

421
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,200
Speaker 1: and not all of those were pranks. Some of them

422
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:45,719
Speaker 1: were really these like more vulnerable emotional videos that I

423
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,879
Speaker 1: would always fall for, these like tear jerker moments that

424
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,280
Speaker 1: those moments that you're like, it's kind of convenient that

425
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,879
Speaker 1: somebody caught that on tape, you know, And she outed

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00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:58,600
Speaker 1: herself for that, basically saying that she sees social media

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00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:02,560
Speaker 1: as entertainment and reality TV is entertainment, and we know

428
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:06,000
Speaker 1: that that's not real, so why should social media have

429
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:09,240
Speaker 1: to be real? And it shouldn't be treated differently. And

430
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,000
Speaker 1: now she was also promoting this business where she could

431
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,000
Speaker 1: coach you to become viral and teach you how to

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00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,720
Speaker 1: make viral videos, and da da da da. I ended

433
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,840
Speaker 1: up unfollowing her. And what really I think gets me

434
00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:26,640
Speaker 1: about performative vulnerability is that the message that is sent

435
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,760
Speaker 1: is I'm sharing this to help others to be selfless.

436
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:34,679
Speaker 1: I'm sacrificing safety for the greater good. But when vulnerability

437
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:38,560
Speaker 1: is performative, that's not true. That isn't act. Much like

438
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,639
Speaker 1: these videos that this person was posting, they were acts,

439
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:46,240
Speaker 1: they were not real. And while I cannot stop people

440
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:49,800
Speaker 1: from doing that, and that's not my goal here because

441
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,800
Speaker 1: I know that I can't, and also, like I'm not

442
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,760
Speaker 1: in charge of other people, we don't have to fall

443
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:57,800
Speaker 1: for these anymore. We don't have to continue to be

444
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,600
Speaker 1: I guess the word is ignorant to the fact that

445
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:06,480
Speaker 1: this stuff exists. Performative vulnerability doesn't just annoy me. I

446
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,359
Speaker 1: think it sometimes shows up as that and how I

447
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:12,639
Speaker 1: respond to it. It hurts, and it hurts our community.

448
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:17,840
Speaker 1: And when we see curative vulnerability and assume it's armorless,

449
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,879
Speaker 1: we can end up confusing our right to privacy with

450
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:25,360
Speaker 1: being emotionally locked in a safe and I believe that's

451
00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:28,160
Speaker 1: what was really happening with me is I was kind

452
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:32,440
Speaker 1: of putting these expectations on myself and telling myself that

453
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:37,960
Speaker 1: I am not as emotionally free and authentic as I

454
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,560
Speaker 1: should be, when really maybe I just was practicing my

455
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,479
Speaker 1: right to privacy and social media isn't the place that

456
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,959
Speaker 1: I'm going to share certain parts of my life. It

457
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,520
Speaker 1: does not mean does not mean that that has to

458
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:53,399
Speaker 1: be true for everybody. And to be very clear, I

459
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:57,040
Speaker 1: don't have rules or guidelines or expectations for what you

460
00:25:58,119 --> 00:26:00,840
Speaker 1: or anyone else should be posting or sharing on the Internet.

461
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 1: And I don't think that the trend that I'm talking

462
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 1: about is unhealthy or toxic. I don't think everyone who

463
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:10,080
Speaker 1: engaged in it was performing or lying or shouldn't have

464
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:12,439
Speaker 1: done it. I actually liked a lot of the posts

465
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,719
Speaker 1: some of my friends posted and engaged in these. In

466
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:18,280
Speaker 1: these posts, I just want us to remember that social

467
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,440
Speaker 1: media is sometimes real, it's sometimes fake, and sometimes it's

468
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,320
Speaker 1: just not the whole story. And I do think it's

469
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:27,280
Speaker 1: okay for us not to share the whole story. The

470
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,280
Speaker 1: caveat is unless you are sending the message that you are,

471
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,680
Speaker 1: because then you're just lying. And isn't that the problem.

472
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,360
Speaker 1: I don't think there's a problem with that content creator

473
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:44,080
Speaker 1: staging these things. My problem was that before you kind

474
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:47,040
Speaker 1: of outed yourself, you were sending the message and you

475
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:51,159
Speaker 1: were telling us that that was real. And that, I

476
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,119
Speaker 1: think is what causes a lot of confusion in our

477
00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 1: communities and within ourselves, that we are seeing things that

478
00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:59,359
Speaker 1: are fake and we are being told that they're real,

479
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,280
Speaker 1: and our brains are having to make sense of that

480
00:27:02,359 --> 00:27:05,600
Speaker 1: and adjust to that, and it's messing with us. And

481
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 1: so you know, you hear all the time. And I

482
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:09,560
Speaker 1: think that's part of what this trend was, is that

483
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,440
Speaker 1: the problem is that social media is a highlight Reel.

484
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:14,919
Speaker 1: I don't think that the problem with social media is

485
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,639
Speaker 1: that it's a highlight Reel. I said this many times before.

486
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 1: I love the idea of our Instagram feeds being like

487
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,000
Speaker 1: a scrap book of our favorite moments of our lives.

488
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 1: I think that's fine. I don't think we need to

489
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,879
Speaker 1: post every ugly photo of ourselves. Like I don't think

490
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:30,879
Speaker 1: there's anything wrong with that of choosing the photo that

491
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,159
Speaker 1: you look at the best in and posting that. That

492
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 1: totally makes sense. I don't think that it is probably

493
00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:39,680
Speaker 1: helpful for some of us to be posting photos that

494
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,359
Speaker 1: actually don't look like us, because then it confuses us

495
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,320
Speaker 1: when we start our salves in the mirror. But I

496
00:27:44,359 --> 00:27:46,919
Speaker 1: don't think it's wrong for us to be posting our

497
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,080
Speaker 1: favorite moments and the best parts of our lives to

498
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,680
Speaker 1: this scrap book of our lives. The problem is when

499
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:56,800
Speaker 1: we tell the lie that the highlight reel is the

500
00:27:56,840 --> 00:28:02,520
Speaker 1: whole story, or when we assume that the highlight reel

501
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,199
Speaker 1: is the whole story. Right, I'm taking accountability for that.

502
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:09,359
Speaker 1: When I assume that somebody else's highlight reel is their

503
00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:11,879
Speaker 1: whole story, that's the problem. The problem is not that

504
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:14,560
Speaker 1: they posted it. It's the assumptions that I made up

505
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 1: about it, that they might have not said. No one

506
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:22,160
Speaker 1: owes anybody else the sacred parts of their story. Everyone

507
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 1: has the right to privacy. If I am assuming and

508
00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:27,399
Speaker 1: comparing the insides of my story to the outsides of

509
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:30,440
Speaker 1: somebody else's that is actually on me, not that person.

510
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:35,280
Speaker 1: I don't think that keeping things to ourselves is always,

511
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 1: or really usually because we're being fake. There are a

512
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 1: million reasons that you might not want to share something,

513
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:44,880
Speaker 1: and one of them can simply be because you don't

514
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:50,720
Speaker 1: want to. I can't be the judge of other people's vulnerability.

515
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 1: I don't have the ability, even as a therapist, to

516
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,480
Speaker 1: know one hundred percent when somebody's being real and when

517
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,760
Speaker 1: somebody's being performative. And I don't know, maybe there's room

518
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,800
Speaker 1: for both, for that to be two things to be

519
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:05,400
Speaker 1: happening at the same time within that. But what I

520
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 1: do know is that we can become more in tune

521
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 1: with how we approach our own actions and behaviors and

522
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:14,880
Speaker 1: how we show up to this space and this conversation.

523
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 1: This episode is not about calling other people out. It's

524
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:21,920
Speaker 1: about encouraging us to become more aware of ourselves, which

525
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:26,320
Speaker 1: I really really want to make sure I'm saying very clearly,

526
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:29,520
Speaker 1: I am not policing, and I don't Oh my gosh,

527
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:31,120
Speaker 1: I do not want to. I think there are parts

528
00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:34,080
Speaker 1: of myself that I used to really want to do this,

529
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,400
Speaker 1: and it still might come up every now and then.

530
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 1: But I'm not policing what other people share, how people

531
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:43,440
Speaker 1: share when they're the fact that they are being performative.

532
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:45,920
Speaker 1: I'm not like, you can't be on social media anymore

533
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:49,000
Speaker 1: because you're using it to get attention, or I'm not

534
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,320
Speaker 1: policing that. I want us to be able to police

535
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:55,280
Speaker 1: what we are doing with ourselves and how we are

536
00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 1: engaging with the content that we see, because sometimes it's real,

537
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:02,920
Speaker 1: sometimes it's vague, and sometimes it's just not the whole story,

538
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:09,480
Speaker 1: and that's okay. And what I came to within this

539
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:12,680
Speaker 1: is that I don't need to be posting this trend

540
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:16,040
Speaker 1: because I would be doing it in a performative way,

541
00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:21,640
Speaker 1: and that's okay. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong

542
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:25,360
Speaker 1: with me. That doesn't mean that I'm an authentic That

543
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,160
Speaker 1: just might mean that, like that is not the place

544
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:31,560
Speaker 1: that I go to to show up in those ways.

545
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,520
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean I'm not vulnerable in other areas of my life.

546
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,080
Speaker 1: And we actually don't have to be vulnerable in every

547
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:40,719
Speaker 1: single area of our life, right. I do really think

548
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:43,480
Speaker 1: that would be probably unhealthy for a lot of us

549
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 1: to do. You know, I think that it can be

550
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:51,400
Speaker 1: really helpful when there are people in the world who

551
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:56,920
Speaker 1: are showing parts of their story that not all of

552
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,960
Speaker 1: us choose to show. I think that can be really helpful.

553
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:04,640
Speaker 1: And I also, at the same time want us all

554
00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:08,320
Speaker 1: to realize and to know that even when somebody is

555
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:11,000
Speaker 1: doing that, they still might be holding certain parts of

556
00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:14,600
Speaker 1: their story close to their chest. And I want the

557
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,720
Speaker 1: people that are doing that to know that that's okay

558
00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 1: to do that, and you don't have to act like

559
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:22,360
Speaker 1: you're not. So to wrap this up, I really just

560
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:27,000
Speaker 1: want to give us all permission to engage in social

561
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 1: media in the way that makes sense for us, and

562
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 1: to take in content that is helpful for us, and

563
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:39,400
Speaker 1: to move past content, unfollow content, disregard content that doesn't

564
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:43,000
Speaker 1: fit for us, that isn't helpful for us in the moment,

565
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:47,880
Speaker 1: and that again can be constantly evolving. So if you

566
00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:50,880
Speaker 1: have any questions, feedback, comments, feel free. You can email

567
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,880
Speaker 1: me Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. If

568
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,160
Speaker 1: you want to follow the podcast, you can at you

569
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:59,200
Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcasts and you can follow me at cat

570
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,480
Speaker 1: dot Defada and I will be back with you guys

571
00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:05,240
Speaker 1: on Wednesday for couch Talks Until then, I hope you

572
00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:06,760
Speaker 1: have the day you need to have