Speaker 1: This segment about sleep rituals is brought to you by
Speaker 1: dream Cloud Sleep, the world's most affordable luxury mattress. Have
Speaker 1: you ever thought about why having a sleep ritual or
Speaker 1: routine is so important, Let me clue you in. It's
Speaker 1: like giving yourself a special bedtime tree that helps you
Speaker 1: relax and recharge. Once you start practicing a sleep ritual,
Speaker 1: you'll wake up feeling totally refreshed and ready to take
Speaker 1: on anything. Establishing a relaxing sleep ritual signals to your
Speaker 1: body that it's time to unwind. Consider incorporating activities that
Speaker 1: calm your mind, such as journaling, listening to a sleep
Speaker 1: focused podcast, or using a romatherapy with essential oils. Make
Speaker 1: it your own special routine and aim to do it
Speaker 1: every night so your brain associates the activity with sleep.
Speaker 1: Another tip for a much better quality sleep is creating
Speaker 1: a soothing environment. Your sleep environment plays a crucial role
Speaker 1: in getting quality rest. Make sure your bedroom is a
Speaker 1: sanctuary dedicated to sleep. Dim the lights, keep the temperature,
Speaker 1: and invest in a comfortable mattress and pillows. Remember, a
Speaker 1: calm and peaceful space sets the stage for a rejuvenating slumber.
Speaker 1: Having a good mattress can give you the right comfort
Speaker 1: and support, which means you can sleep deeply and wake
Speaker 1: up feeling refreshed, which is essential for your overall health,
Speaker 1: reducing pain and feeling your best. With dream Cloud, it's
Speaker 1: much more than just buying a bed, It's an investment
Speaker 1: in yourself. Their mattresses are a dreamy blend of individually
Speaker 1: wrapped coils and gel memory foam. It's a premium hybrid
Speaker 1: mattress that's both supportive and soft. It's super high quality
Speaker 1: and guaranteed to last longer. So go ahead, slip into
Speaker 1: something more comfortable and feel the dream Cloud difference. Go
Speaker 1: to dreamcloudsleep dot com and use code J for forty
Speaker 1: percent off plus an additional fifty dollars off any mattress purchase.
Speaker 1: Dream Cloud rest Reimagined. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because
Speaker 1: we're going to be adding a really special offering onto
Speaker 1: the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily
Speaker 1: Jay is a daily series on calm and It's meant
Speaker 1: to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live
Speaker 1: a more mindful, stress free life. We dive into a
Speaker 1: range of topics and the best part is each episode
Speaker 1: is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it
Speaker 1: into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As
Speaker 1: a dedicated part of the on Purpose community, I wanted
Speaker 1: to do something special for you this year, so I'll
Speaker 1: be playing a handpicked Daily Jay during each of my
Speaker 1: Friday podcasts. This week. We're talking about your relationships and
Speaker 1: how to create the most meaningful connections with the people
Speaker 1: that matter to you. Of course, if you want to
Speaker 1: listen to the Daily Jay every day, you can go
Speaker 1: subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm dot com forward
Speaker 1: slash j for forty percent off your membership today. We
Speaker 1: think like among it was good to have my face
Speaker 1: on the cover because it had elements of my story.
Speaker 1: And while I do tell stories about me and Radley
Speaker 1: in this book, this book is not about our relationship
Speaker 1: or about our experience. It's about relationships, and so I
Speaker 1: didn't want this to ever feel like a book of
Speaker 1: I've mastered relationships. Look how perfect my relationship is. Learn
Speaker 1: from me, That's not what this book is. This book,
Speaker 1: like all my other work, is me studying something, me
Speaker 1: coaching clients, working with people, and then trying to extract
Speaker 1: the lessons and saying, here's what I learned by watching, observing, coaching, researching,
Speaker 1: And I felt that I wanted something bold and beautiful
Speaker 1: on the cover that almost felt like you were part
Speaker 1: of a movement as well. And I thought, how beautiful
Speaker 1: would it be that millions of people across the world,
Speaker 1: billions of people are going to see the word love
Speaker 1: every day in a very bold, beautiful way. And even
Speaker 1: if that just even if they don't buy the book,
Speaker 1: but it injects some love into the world. I think
Speaker 1: that's a good thing. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I was curious about why a book on relationships and love?
Speaker 2: I mean, you could have done so many different things
Speaker 2: after you know, your first book and then the second
Speaker 2: book of quotes, But why love in relationships?
Speaker 1: What could I have done? Tell me? I want to
Speaker 1: know what should I have written about best.
Speaker 2: Hair, how to crush entrepreneurship? I feel like it makes sense.
Speaker 2: But you know, when I think about love and relationships,
Speaker 2: it's like a very kind of narrow focus when you
Speaker 2: usually are so broad your life. You're a purpose coach.
Speaker 2: You could it on purpose.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I have no and I really appreciate that.
Speaker 1: And I think for me, I've always talked about how
Speaker 1: there are four important decisions you make in life, and
Speaker 1: this is something that I developed a few years ago.
Speaker 1: The first decision is how do you feel about yourself?
Speaker 1: That is one of the most important decisions you make
Speaker 1: every single day, when you look in the mirror, when
Speaker 1: you wake up, when you're talk into your partner, when
Speaker 1: you're talking to a friend, what do I feel about myself?
Speaker 1: The second most important question or the second most important
Speaker 1: decision we make every day or what we do, is
Speaker 1: who we choose to give our love to and who
Speaker 1: we choose to receive love from. The third most important
Speaker 1: decision we make in life is what do we do
Speaker 1: for money? And how do we make money? And the
Speaker 1: fourth most important decision we make in life is who
Speaker 1: do I serve? And how do I serve? How do
Speaker 1: I contribute back to the world. And so I am
Speaker 1: working through writing a book on each decision and after answering,
Speaker 1: think like a monk answers the decision of how do
Speaker 1: I feel about myself? That's what it's dedicated to. I
Speaker 1: was just sitting down with so many friends, so many clients,
Speaker 1: so many people where their relationship was the cause of
Speaker 1: their greatest pain and suffering. So I knew people who
Speaker 1: were incredible entrepreneurs, but their relationship was on the back
Speaker 1: burner and they didn't feel fulfilled. Or I knew people
Speaker 1: who were starting something all up, but because they didn't
Speaker 1: have a partner, they didn't feel complete. Or I knew
Speaker 1: people who'd got divorced and broken up and they had
Speaker 1: a beautiful relationship with their kids, they had great friends,
Speaker 1: but they still felt inadequate because they weren't in a relationship.
Speaker 1: And so I just saw relationship is like the core
Speaker 1: of so much human happiness. And when I interviewed Dr
Speaker 1: Robert Waldinger, he talked about how this seventy five year
Speaker 1: study at Harvard, he's the fourth professor to complete the study.
Speaker 1: I think he just told me it's now eighty five years.
Speaker 1: They've been looking at humans and watching humans lives for
Speaker 1: eighty five years, and the number one thing that human
Speaker 1: happiness came down to was the quality of our relationships.
Speaker 1: And so I felt, as someone who loved serving and
Speaker 1: supporting people, I couldn't avoid this topic. And I think
Speaker 1: I was drawn to it because of my own mistakes
Speaker 1: in the space. My own success is in the space
Speaker 1: and looking at both those around.
Speaker 2: Me, something you and Roddy have talked about. I thought
Speaker 2: would be a beautiful way to sort of start the
Speaker 2: conversation was kind of understanding the landscape for how we
Speaker 2: understand love today. So, I know you talked a lot
Speaker 2: about Bollywood culture and sort of like happily ever After,
Speaker 2: and I've been thinking a lot about that too, as
Speaker 2: far as the programming around relationships. You know, I remember
Speaker 2: my life was once you get married and have kids,
Speaker 2: it's like I, you know, there wasn't any other resources
Speaker 2: or support and I my parents separated, and now I
Speaker 2: have so much compassion for them because I'm like, oh
Speaker 2: my gosh, Like now I understand what it takes to
Speaker 2: build a healthy relationship and it's not just Happily other after.
Speaker 2: So I'd love to talk a little bit about your upbringing,
Speaker 2: the Bollywood experience, and sort of where we are today
Speaker 2: as far as our understanding of love.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So for anyone who has never watched a Bollywood movie,
Speaker 1: Bollywood is like Hollywood on romantic steroids. Right, So if
Speaker 1: you take a rom com and then you add music, dancing, moil,
Speaker 1: oh more color over dramatic stories of love and sacrifice
Speaker 1: and surrender, you get Bollywood. And I grew up on
Speaker 1: Bollywood and Hollywood movies, and to me, I loved rom
Speaker 1: coms growing up, like I loved rom coms, and I
Speaker 1: think that's a big impact of my mom, like watching
Speaker 1: rom coms at home and you know, us getting together
Speaker 1: and watching them and me wanting that kind of fairy
Speaker 1: tale love. And I can definitely admit openly that I
Speaker 1: wanted a fairy tale kind of love. I wanted a
Speaker 1: rom Com kind of love because you start to realize
Speaker 1: that that's the only images of love that you see,
Speaker 1: and then I started to think about other images of
Speaker 1: love I saw. My family didn't have great relationships, so
Speaker 1: there were no good images of love there that I
Speaker 1: could say I want that. If anything, I was saying,
Speaker 1: I don't want to repeat that. And then if I
Speaker 1: looked at my friend's parents or I looked at extended family,
Speaker 1: I didn't see any great images of relationships there either.
Speaker 1: So the only happy relationships I saw were in movies.
Speaker 1: So then that became my image of that's a good
Speaker 1: love story. And I think I pursued that and chased
Speaker 1: that a lot, only to feel really disheartened every time
Speaker 1: because you couldn't recreate a movie in real life. It
Speaker 1: just wouldn't work. And so when I talk about my upbringing,
Speaker 1: I found a lot of habits that I didn't want
Speaker 1: to repeat in my own life. I saw a lot
Speaker 1: of things that I would never want to replicate. And
Speaker 1: I started almost making a mental note saying, I don't
Speaker 1: want to argue like that. I won't behave like that,
Speaker 1: I won't speak like that. Anything that I saw that
Speaker 1: was hurtful or damaging. I almost made a mental note
Speaker 1: saying I don't want to be a part of that
Speaker 1: in my life. I don't want that to be my behavior.
Speaker 1: And then everything I saw in the movie is unfortunately.
Speaker 1: I wrote a list going I want that, I want that.
Speaker 1: So I was like I was getting fifty percent right
Speaker 1: and then I was getting fifty percent wrong, And you know,
Speaker 1: you have to let life humble you. I think that's
Speaker 1: what's so beautiful about this whole journey is that life
Speaker 1: shows you what reality is. And I think a lot
Speaker 1: of us are thinking, how do I get my relationship right?
Speaker 1: Or what did I get wrong? Or how do I
Speaker 1: find the right person or I just met the wrong person.
Speaker 1: And I don't think it's about right and wrong. It's
Speaker 1: about reality, and reality is right in the middle of
Speaker 1: right and wrong, And so if you just go what
Speaker 1: is the reality of what I'm experiencing? What is the
Speaker 1: reality of what's possible? Reality is a much healthier metric
Speaker 1: than right or wrong.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think so. In addition to the media
Speaker 2: programming in Bollywood, there's also social media and that can
Speaker 2: also portray a certain type of love. So people nowadays
Speaker 2: are figuring out relationships from social media or looking at
Speaker 2: social media as kind of like the new TV. How
Speaker 2: do you think that impacts people and their relationships And
Speaker 2: do you have any advice for how people should sort
Speaker 2: of navigate social media if they're looking for relationship advice
Speaker 2: or expanders?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Wow, what a great question, And you're right. Social
Speaker 1: media is the updated version of wrong comes of Bollywood
Speaker 1: movies or whatever it may have been. So there's two
Speaker 1: sides to this. Everyone's allowed to share and show whatever
Speaker 1: they want to share and show of their own relationship.
Speaker 1: It's up to you to decipher and learn to create
Speaker 1: distinctions in what's reality and what's an image that you're seeing.
Speaker 1: And I think I like to take that responsibility on
Speaker 1: myself because I don't think you can expect everyone in
Speaker 1: the world to change how they communicate. And at the
Speaker 1: same time, when you take that responsibility for yourself, now
Speaker 1: you're in a position of strength. And if you're someone
Speaker 1: who has real relationships and you're spending time connecting with
Speaker 1: real people, you will know that every couple argues. You
Speaker 1: will know that every couple goes to sleep sometimes not
Speaker 1: talking to each other. You will know that people wake
Speaker 1: up angry next to each other. You will know that
Speaker 1: people wake up the day after their wedding and have
Speaker 1: the worst argument they've ever had. You know people who
Speaker 1: are about to get married and are fighting the day
Speaker 1: before they get married because of all the pressure and stress.
Speaker 1: If you have old friendships and real relationships, social media
Speaker 1: actually doesn't get as much of a hold on your
Speaker 1: mind as it could. Whereas I find that if we're
Speaker 1: not investing in real friendships, in real relationships, and no
Speaker 1: one ever tells you like I've been really fortunate. I've
Speaker 1: always had friends that are older than me, and I
Speaker 1: think that's been one of the biggest techniques of growth
Speaker 1: that I've life hacked, is that I've always had friends
Speaker 1: who were older than me. And having friends who were
Speaker 1: older than you meant that they made mistakes before you
Speaker 1: they were able to share their learnings with you. They
Speaker 1: were always ahead of you in life decisions, so they
Speaker 1: could come back and share their notes. And so I
Speaker 1: had so many friends who would say to me, HEYJ
Speaker 1: like I got married for this reason, I think that
Speaker 1: didn't work out for me, Or hey, you know what,
Speaker 1: I think I rushed having kids. I wish I'd slowed
Speaker 1: that down. Or you know, I wish me and my
Speaker 1: wife had that conversation up front. We should have talked
Speaker 1: about it then, not ten years later. And so I
Speaker 1: was almost collecting all of these great pieces of insight,
Speaker 1: and then I was able to use their hindsight to
Speaker 1: help me. And so again, if you have these real
Speaker 1: friendships and real relationships where you're vulnerable with each other
Speaker 1: and you talk about these things, you're not using social
Speaker 1: media as your frame of reference. You're looking at real
Speaker 1: life human experience as your frame of reference. In the
Speaker 1: same way as if I see a picture of Bali
Speaker 1: on Instagram, or I talk to my friend who just
Speaker 1: went to Bali, who's going to give me a better
Speaker 1: insight on what that experience was actually like? And I
Speaker 1: think if you have a friend who just went to Barali,
Speaker 1: that's who you'd go to. And that's why I think
Speaker 1: our relationships, our depth of connection, our vulnerability with our
Speaker 1: friends and the people we love, saves you from using
Speaker 1: social media as a frame of reference.
Speaker 2: That is like the biggest facts I want to talk
Speaker 2: about in the book, kind of moving from the dating
Speaker 2: period to relationships and then even breakups. So in the book,
Speaker 2: I really loved this part about solitude and solitude being
Speaker 2: the antidote to loneliness. I'd love to talk about that
Speaker 2: because most people will listen and they're like, those are
Speaker 2: the same thing, so how are they doing?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was Paul Tillick who talked about how there's
Speaker 1: a difference between being alone and being lonely, and he
Speaker 1: talks about how or being alone is like the strength
Speaker 1: of being alone, but loneliness is the weakness of being alone.
Speaker 1: And it's really interesting that in the English dictionary we
Speaker 1: have two words for being alone, one's alone and one's solitude,
Speaker 1: but we never use the words solitude. So we always
Speaker 1: say I'm going to be alone tonight, right we say, oh, no,
Speaker 1: I'm just going to stay in and be alone tonight.
Speaker 1: Or if you were at school and lots of people
Speaker 1: didn't come to your party, you'd always be considered less popular,
Speaker 1: a loner, aloner exactly. If you're the person at the
Speaker 1: lunch table who's sitting alone, you're the loner. If you
Speaker 1: turn up to a wedding and you don't have a
Speaker 1: plus one, it's like, oh poor you, Like when an't
Speaker 1: you going to get married? Like when's your turn? And
Speaker 1: of course you know. And so that's the language. We've
Speaker 1: made being alone an enemy. We've made being lonely the enemy.
Speaker 1: And we all know this. This is common wisdom today
Speaker 1: that we can all feel surrounded by so many people
Speaker 1: and still feel disconnected. That's what we all experience pretty
Speaker 1: much every single day. So being alone doesn't mean Being
Speaker 1: alone is not defined by your physical proximity to people.
Speaker 1: Being alone is defined by how well you understand yourself
Speaker 1: and how well others understand you. If you don't feel
Speaker 1: understood by your friends, you will feel alone. If you
Speaker 1: don't feel you understand yourself, you will feel lonely. So
Speaker 1: solitude is a space you create to take the time
Speaker 1: to get to know yourself. And I know that sounds strange.
Speaker 1: It's like, what do you mean I need to get
Speaker 1: to know myself? Shouldn't I just know myself, don't I
Speaker 1: just know myself, and I equate this to something I
Speaker 1: learned during my time as a month.
Speaker 2: Are going to say, this is monk vibes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is. It is full of monk vibes, And
Speaker 1: the book starts with that, because I do feel like
Speaker 1: the only reason I'm able to have a healthier relationship
Speaker 1: with Radi today is because she's the only person in
Speaker 1: the world who's experienced me after living three years as
Speaker 1: a monk. So she's the only person I've been with
Speaker 1: after that experience, and anything that I'm trying to get
Speaker 1: right in my current relationship comes from what I learned
Speaker 1: during that time. And so there's this beautiful experience that
Speaker 1: I had where on my first day when I became
Speaker 1: a monk or monks school, I see a ten or
Speaker 1: eleven year old teaching like six year olds how to
Speaker 1: meditate or they're doing a class, and I'm wondering what's
Speaker 1: going on, and so I'm, you know, peaking and trying
Speaker 1: to figure it out. And then I go up to
Speaker 1: the teacher who's you know, ten eleven years old afterwards
Speaker 1: and I'm like, what did you just teach them? And
Speaker 1: he said, oh, that's their first day of school, and
Speaker 1: I was like, amazing, what did you teach them? And
Speaker 1: he said, well, what did you learn on your fast
Speaker 1: they of school? And I was like, ABC's and one, two, three, maybe,
Speaker 1: like maybe I don't I can't even remember. And he said, well,
Speaker 1: I was teaching them how to breathe. And I was like,
Speaker 1: what do you mean, You're teaching them how to breathe,
Speaker 1: like we just breathe, and he said, well, think about it.
Speaker 1: He said, the only thing that stays with you from
Speaker 1: the moment you're born to the moment you die is
Speaker 1: your breath. He goes, when you're happy, what changes your breath?
Speaker 1: When you're sad, what changes your breath? When you're ecstatic?
Speaker 1: What changes your breath when you're nervous? What changes your breath?
Speaker 1: He goes. Your breath is interconnected to every emotion in life.
Speaker 1: So when you learn to navigate your breath, you learn
Speaker 1: to navigate life. And I was just thinking that just
Speaker 1: blew my mind at the time, and it still does
Speaker 1: today and even now I think about how every emotion
Speaker 1: we say, well that's breath taking. You just took my
Speaker 1: breath away, Like everything is related to the breath. So similarly,
Speaker 1: everything is related to the self. So just as simple
Speaker 1: as it sounds, of like you should learn how to breathe.
Speaker 1: That's how I feel when I say you should spend
Speaker 1: time alone. It sounds really basic and obvious, but there
Speaker 1: is a whole wisdom behind it. And the reason I
Speaker 1: say it is because when you get into a relationship
Speaker 1: and you don't know yourself, what ends up happening is
Speaker 1: ten years later you blame that person for taking away
Speaker 1: who you were. You argue with them three months later
Speaker 1: and saying you made me lose who I was. But
Speaker 1: you never lost who you were because you didn't know
Speaker 1: who you were in the first place. So you adopted
Speaker 1: all of their behaviors, all of their beliefs. You accepted
Speaker 1: whatever love they gave you, and then started to discover
Speaker 1: that it didn't live up. So you could save yourself
Speaker 1: from so much pain and so much suffering if you
Speaker 1: started out knowing what love meant to you, how love
Speaker 1: felt to you, what love looked like to you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think so, I guess even going on that, like,
Speaker 2: how can people really think about that? Because I've thought
Speaker 2: about this a lot, where I don't know how much
Speaker 2: people really understand what true love is like, unconditional love
Speaker 2: is so rare, and I'm even someone that I just
Speaker 2: did a darkness retreat last week and.
Speaker 1: Oh so cool.
Speaker 2: It was so cool, very psychological, but in it I
Speaker 2: was like, do I know unconditional love like the love
Speaker 2: of the Creator. Yes, but still sometimes feels conditional. So
Speaker 2: how can people really figure out what love is for
Speaker 2: them and how love feels?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I break it down into three key areas and
Speaker 1: my and I recommend everyone defines love. I think what
Speaker 1: was beautiful about ancient traditions And when you look at
Speaker 1: the word, we only use one word to describe love, love,
Speaker 1: And what's fascinating about that word is someone could say
Speaker 1: I love you and it means they want to spend
Speaker 1: their life with you. And someone could say I love
Speaker 1: you and it means I want to spend one night
Speaker 1: with you. Like literally, it can be that extremely different.
Speaker 1: And so the chat is when someone says I love you,
Speaker 1: you don't stop to ask them, Hey, well, what do
Speaker 1: you mean? Do you mean tonight? Do you mean today?
Speaker 2: You mean for the first time?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what do you mean? J told
Speaker 1: me to ask you what you mean, and we don't
Speaker 1: do that. And I'm not asking you to do that
Speaker 1: in that moment. But it is interesting that when someone
Speaker 1: says I love you, you accept their words, but you're
Speaker 1: really accepting your meaning of love. Right If someone says
Speaker 1: I love you, you're actually saying, oh, I think they mean
Speaker 1: what I mean by love, and now they love me,
Speaker 1: and then you say I love you back, which means
Speaker 1: you're projecting your definition onto them and you never had
Speaker 1: a conversation about what it meant. So for me, I've
Speaker 1: defined love and I share this in the book, and
Speaker 1: I share exercises in eight Rules of Love of how
Speaker 1: to answer each section. I define love with three key areas.
Speaker 1: One is you like their personality. It's the most obvious
Speaker 1: basic form of love. Is that I enjoy their company,
Speaker 1: I enjoy being around them. I genuinely appreciate spending time
Speaker 1: with them. I maybe admire some qualities that they have
Speaker 1: now that you could feel for a lot of people.
Speaker 1: So that in itself is not love. And I think
Speaker 1: that's the challenge. Christ that the challenge we have is
Speaker 1: that we see attraction as love, or we accept validation
Speaker 1: as love, so we're almost taking payments in attention pretending
Speaker 1: that it's love. Does that make sense? Yeah, And so
Speaker 1: the receipt doesn't says love. The receipt says attention. But
Speaker 1: we got paid as if we were like, oh no, no,
Speaker 1: But that person loves me because they give me attention,
Speaker 1: they give me validation, they complemented controlled.
Speaker 2: It's like they're doing everything I want exactly.
Speaker 1: I love that answer.
Speaker 2: Only when they're like doing everything I want, saying what
Speaker 2: I want, do I love them.
Speaker 1: Yeah or yeah or ownership? They take care of everything.
Speaker 1: I don't have to think about anything. I accept that
Speaker 1: as love. And so that in a of itself is
Speaker 1: not enough, but it is a pillar. And I think
Speaker 1: what happens is christa is that we want to accelerate
Speaker 1: attraction or liking someone into love so fast that we
Speaker 1: don't want to do the unsexy, uncool, uninteresting work of
Speaker 1: actually falling in love with someone or building love with someone.
Speaker 1: The second part of my definition is that you respect
Speaker 1: their values. Now this I'll go deeper, because everyone always
Speaker 1: hes about respect. What I mean by respecting their values
Speaker 1: is you don't want to change them. You actually respect
Speaker 1: why they live their life the way they do and
Speaker 1: how they live the life the way they do. You're
Speaker 1: not trying to change or transform what they care about.
Speaker 1: You love what they care about because you see it
Speaker 1: brings them joy. In mind of my wife's relationship, it
Speaker 1: took me a while to understand. So my wife's number
Speaker 1: one priority is her family. Family is her biggest value.
Speaker 1: And you've interviewed her, and you know, you guys know
Speaker 1: each other, and my value is my purpose. Like it's
Speaker 1: very clearly, my purpose, very clear, and I've always known that.
Speaker 1: My wife's known that from day one, and I've known
Speaker 1: hers from day one, so it helps. But my wife
Speaker 1: has never tried to make my number one value family,
Speaker 1: and I've never tried to make her number one value purpose.
Speaker 1: It just won't work. Her family is her purpose, that's
Speaker 1: how she would see it, and I would see my
Speaker 1: work is my purpose. And so the point is that
Speaker 1: you have to respect each other's value in order to
Speaker 1: truly have love. And I find most people like someone's
Speaker 1: personality and they don't respect their value, so they're trying
Speaker 1: to change their values. They're like, I want your value
Speaker 1: to be me, I want your value to be my family.
Speaker 1: I want your value to be travel, I want your
Speaker 1: value to be this. Like you're trying to control someone's values,
Speaker 1: not love and then the third and final step of
Speaker 1: my definition of love that I share in the book
Speaker 1: is wanting to help someone towards their goals. Wanting to
Speaker 1: support someone towards their goals. That is real love. Like
Speaker 1: I may like a lot of people, I may respect
Speaker 1: what they value, but there's very few people in the
Speaker 1: world that I'm going to say, I'm going to stand
Speaker 1: with you and I'm going to make sure you get
Speaker 1: to where you want to go, whatever that may be.
Speaker 1: That requires the greatest commitment to someone in saying, not
Speaker 1: just like a friend, like I'll help you out network
Speaker 1: and I'll connect, Not that kind of thing. I'm dedicated.
Speaker 1: My life is dedicated to helping you get to your goals,
Speaker 1: and I know you're going to help me back to mine.
Speaker 1: I still recommend everyone comes up with their own definition
Speaker 1: of love. I talk about in the book how the Greeks.
Speaker 1: The ancient Greeks had seven different words for love. They
Speaker 1: have family love, they have affection, they have passionate love.
Speaker 1: They define it. But today we just put it all
Speaker 1: into one. And so if someone pays us a compliment
Speaker 1: and they're kind, we're like, oh, they love me, They're
Speaker 1: really great, They're wonderful people and we halo effect qualities,
Speaker 1: so we take one quality that someone has and we
Speaker 1: blow it up and go, they must be great at everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think with love too, it's like in the
Speaker 2: social media world, you're like love you love think it's
Speaker 2: a girl thing too, or like love you love you
Speaker 2: love you, and it just kind of.
Speaker 1: I'm like that too.
Speaker 2: I mean, we're all it's like we do. And then
Speaker 2: I'm like, but I want to love everyone? But how
Speaker 2: am I saying this to my husband? And then like
Speaker 2: personal online? But I think it's interesting listening to what
Speaker 2: you were saying because you could really see how clearly
Speaker 2: it's or how important it is to know yourself because
Speaker 2: if you don't know your values, if you don't know
Speaker 2: your goals, you're going to get really lost within trying
Speaker 2: to find a definition. I'm curious what you think about this,
Speaker 2: and I don't even really have an answer. But for
Speaker 2: people that are dating, what do you think about the spark?
Speaker 2: Like do you think there needs to be a spark
Speaker 2: when people start or do you think there needs to
Speaker 2: be butterflies?
Speaker 1: Yeah? So I've really looked into this because I've been
Speaker 1: fascinated by this a lot and I've also been friends
Speaker 1: with guys who feel the spark every week with a
Speaker 1: different person. So I've had a ton of guys that
Speaker 1: I mentored and worked with who literally would come back
Speaker 1: to me every week every month and be like, I
Speaker 1: just felt the spark at the gym, you know, I
Speaker 1: just felt the spark at the bar. I just and
Speaker 1: then just find a new person to have a spark with.
Speaker 1: Is that similar with women?
Speaker 2: With women? Yeah, I think we romanticize things a little
Speaker 2: bit more. And I think it's interesting because I'm sure
Speaker 2: men is that physical attraction, you know, really like that testosterone,
Speaker 2: or maybe there's like a biological component, But I think
Speaker 2: for women, it's like the spark and then the story, yes,
Speaker 2: kind of the fantasy goes. So I think they're very
Speaker 2: different in the way that they go. But I don't
Speaker 2: think women feel the spark as much as the men
Speaker 2: got it.
Speaker 1: Okay, Yeah, and that was my I wanted to get
Speaker 1: that sense because I have a similar show for every
Speaker 1: single one, of course, and I'm not trying to make
Speaker 1: gender stereotypes either. I'm just saying from my experience of
Speaker 1: speaking to people that there's been a lot of people
Speaker 1: who I've met a lot of men who feel that way, yes,
Speaker 1: and so I was really interested. I started looking into it.
Speaker 1: What the science showed, which I do find fascinating, was
Speaker 1: that when you meet someone that you feel that spark
Speaker 1: with or chemistry, there is actually something chemical happening. And
Speaker 1: what's happening is that your excitement level is high. Ooh
Speaker 1: that's a new person, but your stress level is high.
Speaker 1: Do they like me? So you're experiencing excitement and stress
Speaker 1: at the same time. So like they're hot. Do they
Speaker 1: think I'm hot? Excitement? Stress? Yes? Oh my gosh, Like
Speaker 1: are they coming over here? Excitement? Oh no, what do
Speaker 1: I say? Stress? Oh no, I have their number? So exciting?
Speaker 1: Oh wait, they have a message back in two hours, right,
Speaker 1: Like it's so you're feeling excitement and stress and what
Speaker 1: ends up happening. This really really, at least blew my
Speaker 1: mind and was very fascinating for me. So you're feeling
Speaker 1: excitement and stress. Now as you get to know that person,
Speaker 1: they give you a sense of comfort. So what happens
Speaker 1: is the stress decreases. Now you don't get that same
Speaker 1: spark anymore because your stress levels have gone down around them,
Speaker 1: because they actually help calm you down. Because you have
Speaker 1: a relationship now and then we think the spark just
Speaker 1: went away, but actually the stress just went away. So
Speaker 1: I just want you to think about that for a second.
Speaker 1: Anytime you have thought the spark went away, it didn't.
Speaker 1: The stress went away of meeting someone new. And actually,
Speaker 1: if your stress has gone away, answers are that person's
Speaker 1: good for you because they've helped calm you down because
Speaker 1: now you feel safe around them. When you're first attracted
Speaker 1: to someone and you don't know whether they like you,
Speaker 1: you feel unsafe. Right everyone knows what it feels like
Speaker 1: to go out on a limb and text someone and
Speaker 1: wait a day to have it back. You feel unsafe,
Speaker 1: but that feels exciting, whereas now two months later you
Speaker 1: feel safe with them. You lost the excitement. So it's
Speaker 1: not about whether you feel a spark or you don't
Speaker 1: feel a spark. Whether you feel a spark or you don't,
Speaker 1: it has to be followed up with skills in a relationship,
Speaker 1: and I think that's where people go wrong. People think,
Speaker 1: if we have the spark, we don't need anything else.
Speaker 1: And if I don't have the spark, it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: how many skills this person has. This can't work, and
Speaker 1: I think it's both. I think there's a need for chemistry,
Speaker 1: compatibility and connection, and often we just take chemistry and
Speaker 1: hope that that's gonna last, and chemically that's not gonna last. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and therefore from a feeling point of view, it won't asked.
Speaker 1: And so I think the more we focus on compatibility
Speaker 1: and connection, the healthier a relationship can be. Now, if
Speaker 1: someone just says all I want to feel is sparks,
Speaker 1: then great. You should move from lots of three month
Speaker 1: relationships consistently and that will fulfill you. But if you're
Speaker 1: someone who's saying I want a long term relationship, please
Speaker 1: focus on the skills and the tools, because that's what's
Speaker 1: really needed. It's almost like the difference between saying I'm
Speaker 1: really attracted to this apartment versus I'm attracted to it,
Speaker 1: but I can also vision where this could go, right, Like,
Speaker 1: I have a vision for how this could be.
Speaker 2: Yes. On the flip side of that, do you think
Speaker 2: that people should marry their best friend?
Speaker 1: Ooh, that's a good question. I've never been asked that before.
Speaker 1: I don't think you can just marry your best friend category. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, just being straight up like, I don't think
Speaker 1: that that's again a good enough reason, because being friends
Speaker 1: and being in love are two very different things, just
Speaker 1: like being friends and being in business are two very
Speaker 1: different things. When you add the energy of money or
Speaker 1: you add the energy of love, there's different expectations, there's
Speaker 1: different commitments. If you don't talk to your friend for
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks and you catch up, you feel
Speaker 1: like you had the best conversation ever. In a relationship,
Speaker 1: your partner may need more attention than that. In your friendship,
Speaker 1: you may be more forgiving because at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, you don't have to wake up next to
Speaker 1: that person every single day and sleeping next to them
Speaker 1: every night. When you're in a relationship, you're seeing that
Speaker 1: person all the time. It's different expectations. So again, I
Speaker 1: think what we like to do is simplify and go, Okay, well,
Speaker 1: if we got this part of our life right, we
Speaker 1: can get this part of our life right. And it
Speaker 1: doesn't work that way because you're always infusing a new
Speaker 1: energy when you add an element to your relationship, and
Speaker 1: it truly appris in business, it truly applies in love.
Speaker 1: And I think a friendship can be a beautiful foundation
Speaker 1: for a great relationship. But I think assuming that it
Speaker 1: already is is where we go wrong. Does that satisfy
Speaker 1: you or do you want to dig into that? No?
Speaker 2: I agree with you, It's like, yeah, it's again I
Speaker 2: think thinking about how do people define it, because for
Speaker 2: some people they might define best friends as you know,
Speaker 2: it might be something where they want the comfort of
Speaker 2: that and they actually don't want that sparky chemistry part.
Speaker 2: So thinking about how people define it. But I'm not
Speaker 2: exactly you know sure. The truth I was thinking about
Speaker 2: this before, and I think it's something that a lot
Speaker 2: of people in my life have been experiencing, is like
Speaker 2: the growing apart of being in a long term relationship
Speaker 2: and two people that come together at a different period
Speaker 2: in time in their life and then they find themselves
Speaker 2: after however many years, being like what the heck like,
Speaker 2: we're so we've grown apart, and there's like a beauty
Speaker 2: in that, and then there's also can be really scary
Speaker 2: because you're like, Okay, what are we going to do?
Speaker 2: Are we going to choose to grow together? So I'd
Speaker 2: love to talk a little bit about growing apart versus
Speaker 2: growing together.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have a whole section in the book called
Speaker 1: you Know, almost like you have to make that choice
Speaker 1: to either elevate or separate. And I think that couples
Speaker 1: that want to last the test of time. And first, actually,
Speaker 1: let's take it back a little bit. First of all,
Speaker 1: I don't think length of time should be used as
Speaker 1: a metric of success of a relationship. I think that's
Speaker 1: a really unhealthy way often of gauging the success of
Speaker 1: a relationship. I knew someone who was married for like
Speaker 1: fourteen years, and then when they got divorced, everyone was
Speaker 1: so shocked, But anyone who knew them closely knew that
Speaker 1: they were struggling for ten years already, and so really
Speaker 1: it was a four year relationship, ten years of pain.
Speaker 1: And then there was a divorce followed by that, and
Speaker 1: so I was like, oh my god, they were together
Speaker 1: for fourteen years. I never thought that would happen to them.
Speaker 1: It's like, well, no, it wasn't fourteen years. It's four
Speaker 1: years and ten years of pain. And so I think
Speaker 1: we have to start looking at how long was an
Speaker 1: actual relationship and a connection versus how long is a
Speaker 1: marriage or a partnership, which are often wildly different. Now,
Speaker 1: if someone does want a long term relationship with someone.
Speaker 1: If that is your definition of love and success in
Speaker 1: a relationship, you're going to have to grow together multiple times.
Speaker 1: And here's the hardest part. You always grow at different times.
Speaker 1: So everyone grows at a different time, at a different
Speaker 1: pace in their own way, and it rarely happens that
Speaker 1: you're growing at the same time, at the same pace,
Speaker 1: in the same way. So now you've got one of
Speaker 1: your partners going off on their journey. So I'm someone
Speaker 1: who you know, was very aware about my passion, my purpose,
Speaker 1: what I wanted to do in the world. And when
Speaker 1: I met rather, she was extremely talented. She's always been
Speaker 1: extremely gifted, but she didn't necessarily know what her purpose
Speaker 1: was or her passion was. And so it's really interesting
Speaker 1: for me watching her in that discovery, and that requires
Speaker 1: patience on my part, It requires support, and it requires
Speaker 1: openness because she has to find her own path. Now
Speaker 1: she's had to do the same with me. When she
Speaker 1: met me, she was already healthy, she ate well, she
Speaker 1: worked out, she puts in the hours. I was like
Speaker 1: staying up late to work. I was, yeah, I was
Speaker 1: staying up late to work. I was. I love eating
Speaker 1: fried food, I love like sugar I was addicted to
Speaker 1: sugar when I met her, and so it's like I
Speaker 1: was also learning in a different part of my life.
Speaker 1: Just because I figured out my purpose and my mindset
Speaker 1: doesn't mean I figured out everything in life. And so
Speaker 1: she had to be patient with me. So Riley, He's
Speaker 1: given me so many insights on how to improve my
Speaker 1: health and how to have better like work, hygiene, and
Speaker 1: so many other things that I've gained from her. And
Speaker 1: I think that the challenge that most people have is ego.
Speaker 1: We don't want to learn from our partners because it
Speaker 1: almost makes us feel weak, and it puts them in
Speaker 1: a position of superiority, not realizing that when you can trade.
Speaker 1: And I have a whole section in this book, a
Speaker 1: chapter called your Partner is Your Guru, and it's this
Speaker 1: idea of if you really love someone, chances are they
Speaker 1: have something to teach you, and if they can teach
Speaker 1: you in a way that isn't preachy, isn't projecting, and
Speaker 1: isn't critical. And if we can be that for our partners,
Speaker 1: you can grow together endlessly. Now if you feel you've
Speaker 1: grown together, you've learned everything you possibly can from your partner.
Speaker 1: Now there's no more learning to do. It's wonderful to
Speaker 1: grow apart, but that should also be celebrated as a success.
Speaker 1: I think we often use words like divorce ended, like
Speaker 1: these words are so aggressive, split exactly, yeah, yeah, it
Speaker 1: was over forever likely. You know, these words are so aggressive,
Speaker 1: and they put this paint this picture of animosity of
Speaker 1: you know, of enemy kind of feeling, not realizing that
Speaker 1: someone could have a really healthy as the as the
Speaker 1: you know, the famous book like a Conscious uncoupling, Like
Speaker 1: the idea of uncoupling is so much more of a
Speaker 1: healthier idea for people, And I think that's the language
Speaker 1: we need to trade that. Yes, you could have a
Speaker 1: wonderful relationship and you could have a wonderful afterlife from
Speaker 1: that relationship if you both wanted that, And that doesn't
Speaker 1: mean the relationship failed. It did its part. It's like
Speaker 1: you don't go to college for three years and if
Speaker 1: you don't become a professor, it's like, no, you failed,
Speaker 1: you failed, like you should have become a professor. No,
Speaker 1: you did. It served its path. Even for me when
Speaker 1: I look at I lived as a monk. I didn't
Speaker 1: become a monk for the rest of my life. It
Speaker 1: served its purpose and I think relationships have to be
Speaker 1: seen in that way of like did it serve its
Speaker 1: purpose and if it's done, it's done, and let's not
Speaker 1: make people feel bad about that. You know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's again the Happily ever After vibe, you know,
Speaker 2: if you're not to get and everyone's like, wow, your
Speaker 2: parents are still together, and it's like they're miserable or
Speaker 2: don't talk and they're not in communication and they're not
Speaker 2: engaging and they're not connected. So it's like, what's the point.
Speaker 2: But it was interesting, Like just watching you and Roddy,
Speaker 2: it's so beautiful because it's like when you're talking to
Speaker 2: one another, you are listening to each other as if
Speaker 2: you are the guru. There's an openness to being taught
Speaker 2: by each other that I feel like sometimes can get
Speaker 2: lost in relationships. And I don't know if it's because
Speaker 2: there is a point and the book is it could
Speaker 2: be conscious loving by Gay Hendrix, or it could be
Speaker 2: getting the love you want, but it talks about how
Speaker 2: you sort of make the person your parents and then
Speaker 2: you kind of project all the pain. So I'm wondering
Speaker 2: if that's what happens with folks where they they are
Speaker 2: making the person their parent, and then when you're telling
Speaker 2: them what to do, you're like no, mom, yeah yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: So in this book I talk about how there are
Speaker 1: different relationship roles and we all slot into one of these,
Speaker 1: and I have a test in the book that helps
Speaker 1: guide you to figure out what you are and what
Speaker 1: your partner is. And so these are the three roles.
Speaker 1: Everyone who's listening, you can figure out which one you're
Speaker 1: in and if and when you get the book, you
Speaker 1: can do the test to make sure of it. So
Speaker 1: the first is fixer, the second is dependent, and the
Speaker 1: third is supporter. So some of us are fixers. We
Speaker 1: get our value in a relationship by trying to fix
Speaker 1: the other person's problems. If the person we see them
Speaker 1: as broken and we think we can fix them, and
Speaker 1: that makes us feel good. So we like to find projects.
Speaker 1: We like to find people who need help and we
Speaker 1: go and make a relationship with them because we want
Speaker 1: to feel really powerful and strong that we help them.
Speaker 1: What ends up happening is that a few years down
Speaker 1: the line, we get exhausted and then we go, oh,
Speaker 1: stop acting like a kid. You just you don't do anything.
Speaker 1: You're not really involved, you're not engaged, but we set
Speaker 1: them up to be that way because that's what we
Speaker 1: wanted in the beginning. The second is the dependent. The
Speaker 1: dependent is someone who wants to be the child. They
Speaker 1: walk into relationship looking for mom and dad. They want
Speaker 1: the other person to fix everything. They want to find
Speaker 1: someone who's going to take care of all their needs,
Speaker 1: provide for everything they need, take care of them mentally, emotionally,
Speaker 1: maybe even financially. And we go therein like a little kid.
Speaker 1: What ends up happening? You drain the other person that
Speaker 1: doesn't end so well. And the third one is the supporter.
Speaker 1: The supporter goes real love and real support is I'm
Speaker 1: going to help you develop the skills you need to
Speaker 1: take care of yourself. I'm not going to take care
Speaker 1: of you. What is care? Is care me saying to
Speaker 1: you I'm going to take care of you? Or is
Speaker 1: real care? I'm going to help you learn the skills
Speaker 1: to take care of yourself. That's real love, that's real care.
Speaker 1: Like I believe in you so much that I want
Speaker 1: you to have the tools and skills, and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: help you. I'm gonna guide you, I'm gonna introduce you
Speaker 1: to things, whatever you need so that you feel safe
Speaker 1: whether I'm here or not. That's love. One day I
Speaker 1: may die before you. If you only feel safe when
Speaker 1: I'm alive next to you, that's not love. Love is
Speaker 1: I'm going to protect you by helping you protect yourself.
Speaker 1: That's safety. Don't we want that for our kids? Don't
Speaker 1: we want that for our partners? Like if my kid.
Speaker 1: I don't have any kids, but if I had kids,
Speaker 1: and if they only felt safe when I was in
Speaker 1: the room, that wouldn't be a win, that would be
Speaker 1: a loss because you can't always be in the room.
Speaker 1: So I think we do that with our partners. So
Speaker 1: a supporter says, I'm here to help you develop the
Speaker 1: skills you need to take care of yourself, and I'm
Speaker 1: ready to develop the skills. I need whatever you need
Speaker 1: to teach me to take care of myself. And so
Speaker 1: I set that up because the fix is almost like
Speaker 1: the parent, the dependence like the child. And then the
Speaker 1: supporter is the collaborative one, the one who recognizes that
Speaker 1: the only person who can take care of me is me,
Speaker 1: and the only person who can take care of you
Speaker 1: is you. And so when I help you take care
Speaker 1: of yourself and you help me take care of me myself.
Speaker 1: That's real care, that's real love.
Speaker 2: How can people watch when they're slipping into that, because
Speaker 2: that's kind of like people go into that unconsciously. And
Speaker 2: I've seen in relationships with myself, I've seen in relationships
Speaker 2: with friends where you don't even realize it's happening, and
Speaker 2: then you're like, wait, whoa, Yeah, is there a way
Speaker 2: that we can be more conscious about that journey so
Speaker 2: that you know, because it's an opportunity for healing. That's
Speaker 2: why we do it to bring it up for healing.
Speaker 2: So it's important that it comes up and you could
Speaker 2: even work through it together. But how can we work
Speaker 2: with that energy?
Speaker 1: Yeah? So I think the first step and the reason
Speaker 1: why I put it in the book is is this
Speaker 1: level of awareness, like even knowing. So I'm a classic fixer.
Speaker 1: I have that natural ability whenever anyone's working in coaching
Speaker 1: or it's a natural element of wanting to help people
Speaker 1: that way. So I'm a classic fixer. And for so
Speaker 1: many years, in so many relationships, I tried to solve
Speaker 1: all of my artner's problems. Whoever I was with, I
Speaker 1: was just trying to fix their problems. And I wanted
Speaker 1: to be the Knight in Shining Armor, and I wanted
Speaker 1: to be the savior and I wanted to be that person,
Speaker 1: only to realize they were never satisfied no matter how
Speaker 1: much of a savior I was, because there was always
Speaker 1: more saving to do, and they never really fully saw
Speaker 1: me as a Knight in Shining Armor, because now you
Speaker 1: think you're a Knight in Shining Armor, but literally you're
Speaker 1: a person with a stretcher, right, Like it's that you
Speaker 1: want to be. You want to be this idolized version
Speaker 1: of a savior, but really you're just in the emergency
Speaker 1: room every day, and now there's no Knight in Shining Armor,
Speaker 1: right you Just you're like a person who's bad at
Speaker 1: their job in the medical department. And so what ended
Speaker 1: up happening was having tested it out, and I think
Speaker 1: people can relate to that, and that's my experience. I
Speaker 1: realized that being a fixer didn't set me, the other person,
Speaker 1: or the relationship up for success. It set us up
Speaker 1: for failure. So how do you become vigilant of it?
Speaker 1: Which is your question. The way you become vigilant of
Speaker 1: it is when someone asks for help, what's the first
Speaker 1: thing you say back? If your partner asks for help
Speaker 1: and you go, oh, I'll take care of that, don't worry.
Speaker 1: And we do that at the start of relationships because
Speaker 1: we again think, oh, they're going to think I'm so
Speaker 1: nice and they're going to think I'm so likable, as
Speaker 1: opposed to that saying. It's different if someone says, oh,
Speaker 1: can you grab some milk when when you're out and
Speaker 1: you go, no, I'm not going to do that. You
Speaker 1: should do like it's not that kind of thing. But
Speaker 1: like a good example is when when me and Raley
Speaker 1: first started dating, Like Rally would always ask me and this,
Speaker 1: this is going to annoy so many people, but I
Speaker 1: promise you it's it works. I rather would always say
Speaker 1: to me like, how do you feel I look in this?
Speaker 1: And I will always be honest with her, But one
Speaker 1: of my favorite responses after I'd be honest with her
Speaker 1: is how do you feel you look in this? And
Speaker 1: shees like, no, you just tell me, like do I
Speaker 1: look at it? And I'm like, I think you look beautiful,
Speaker 1: but I want to know how you feel you look
Speaker 1: in this. And when we'd be out picking furniture for
Speaker 1: our apartment or whatever it may be, we'd look at
Speaker 1: the piece of furniture and she'd be like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: you just decided No, what do you think? Like? What's
Speaker 1: your taste? And so, what I find is that when
Speaker 1: your partner is trying to outsource something to you, you
Speaker 1: may feel like doing it for them makes you more likable,
Speaker 1: but actually you're setting themselves and yourself up for always
Speaker 1: having to answer that question. And when you rather say well,
Speaker 1: what are your thoughts? Like I want to know what
Speaker 1: you really care about, I want to know what you
Speaker 1: believe in, you actually are strengthening there in a voice.
Speaker 1: So one way to be vigilant is when you're asked
Speaker 1: for to solve a problem. First take a second on
Speaker 1: becoming the fixer. If you're a classic dependent and you
Speaker 1: want someone else to solve your problems, that can be
Speaker 1: a lot harder because you already don't feel you have
Speaker 1: the confidence to fix anything. So actually it can be
Speaker 1: really hard when you feel like the dependent. The anxiety
Speaker 1: is really hard being a dependent because you want the
Speaker 1: other person to deal with it, and now if they're
Speaker 1: not dealing with it, you don't feel strong enough. What
Speaker 1: I'd say is that anyone who feels weak or has
Speaker 1: that self doubt, it comes from not a lack of
Speaker 1: belief or a lack of quality, comes from a lack
Speaker 1: of ability. And abilities can be trained and learned. And
Speaker 1: I always say this to people. If something makes you nervous,
Speaker 1: if something makes you unconfident, if something makes you scared,
Speaker 1: you can't just believe in yourself. And I think a
Speaker 1: lot of people talk about self belief, and really it's
Speaker 1: about self respect. And self respect comes from doing hard things.
Speaker 1: And so if you're dealing with something that you don't
Speaker 1: feel you're good at, go and try and get decent
Speaker 1: at it. Go and take a course, get a coach,
Speaker 1: get a mentor, go out there and read a book
Speaker 1: about it. Listen to this podcast. Right, Like when you're
Speaker 1: searching for the answer, all of a sudden, your skill
Speaker 1: starts to develop, and now the problem starts to feel
Speaker 1: easier to solve. And so as a dependent, especially if
Speaker 1: you're single, start solving problems yourself and guess what You're
Speaker 1: going to feel so much self respect and now your
Speaker 1: self doubt goes away at the root. And so those
Speaker 1: are two ways to be vigilant. And there's plenty more
Speaker 1: that I explained.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love those examples. So I was talking to
Speaker 2: our community before you came. And this is something that
Speaker 2: comes up quite a bit with women, and I think
Speaker 2: a lot of our community are people that identify as
Speaker 2: women and they're finding that in the dating world or
Speaker 2: out in their relationships that they're growing, you know, perceived
Speaker 2: to be growing more than their male partner, and that
Speaker 2: there's a discrepancy between the growth rates. And I'm curious
Speaker 2: about how much you're seeing that trend where women are
Speaker 2: deeply interested in personal growth, self development, all of these things.
Speaker 2: And there, for me, is a part of that that's
Speaker 2: self hate led and actually not self love. But then
Speaker 2: there is that moment where they're doing a lot more
Speaker 2: work personally than the men. Are you seeing that as
Speaker 2: a trend? And what would you suggest?
Speaker 1: And I love the distinction you just made about the
Speaker 1: reason we work on ourselves too, Like it's almost like
Speaker 1: and again, I know we're both not making broad generalizations.
Speaker 1: We're trying to based on what we've experienced. If society
Speaker 1: is set up up women to doubt themselves, society has
Speaker 1: set up men to pretend they're strong, and they're both
Speaker 1: opposite sides of the same coin. So men feel they
Speaker 1: have to be the protector the savior, the provider.
Speaker 2: To have the answers, to have.
Speaker 1: The answers, and so they're trying so hard to present
Speaker 1: that facade that they don't want to be vulnerable and
Speaker 1: they don't want to do the work because if you
Speaker 1: have to show you have to do work, that means
Speaker 1: you're not done. And they're scared that if I show
Speaker 1: a woman I need to do work, then maybe she
Speaker 1: won't respect me and love me, because isn't that what
Speaker 1: they want? And regardless of gender, whatever you identify as,
Speaker 1: I think we all feel this about anyone. You may
Speaker 1: be with someone and think they're with me. It's a
Speaker 1: corporate example, but it's true. I was working with a
Speaker 1: CEO recently, CEO of an extremely successful company, you know,
Speaker 1: very highly regarded, achieve so much in the world, and
Speaker 1: I've been working with him on his mental health and
Speaker 1: we're seeing a lot of progress. So I said to him,
Speaker 1: at your next off site, I said to him, I
Speaker 1: want you to tell your team the journey you've been
Speaker 1: on with your mental health. That's all I want you
Speaker 1: to do. Just share with them this journey that we've
Speaker 1: been on together, just with your direct team, not the
Speaker 1: whole company or some press article, just the people who
Speaker 1: work with daily, your c suite, the sea level. And
Speaker 1: he said to me, he said, Jay, I don't think
Speaker 1: I can do that. And I said why He said,
Speaker 1: because they see me as the strong one. He said,
Speaker 1: they see me as the powerful one. They see me
Speaker 1: as the one who has it all together. If I
Speaker 1: tell them that, they won't see me that way. And
Speaker 1: I said to him, I said, what's more powerful then
Speaker 1: you sharing your truth? What's more strong or courageous than
Speaker 1: you being honest with them about what you've been through.
Speaker 1: Isn't that what real strength is? But the challenge is
Speaker 1: that and so transferring that experience into relationships. A lot
Speaker 1: of people are feeling, well, if I showed them that
Speaker 1: I'm vulnerable, aren't they with me? Because I'm more sorted right,
Speaker 1: And so I think that's the issue. And then of
Speaker 1: course the other way around, it's like, oh, well, I'm
Speaker 1: working on myself. I'm showing that I'm building myself up.
Speaker 1: But then I'm scared and my self doubt will actually
Speaker 1: push a good person away. If we have this conversation
Speaker 1: with the genders that we're talking about, if women are
Speaker 1: feeling oh no, but if I doubt myself too much,
Speaker 1: he'll run away. And then he's thinking, well, if I
Speaker 1: show her that I doubt myself, then she'll run away.
Speaker 1: And so we're at this like tension. And I think
Speaker 1: that requires That's why the tools in the book of
Speaker 1: Like why. Actually, if both people, regardless of gender, regardless
Speaker 1: of identification, if both people have compassion for each other,
Speaker 1: have empathy for each other, understand that this is another
Speaker 1: imperfect human. That's where we go beyond gender and beyond
Speaker 1: expectation and beyond all of this and actually can deal
Speaker 1: with each other. But that only comes when you've gone
Speaker 1: through your own work of when you've seen the deepest,
Speaker 1: darkest parts of your own soul. You're comfortable when someone's
Speaker 1: exploring theirs, but if you haven't done that, it's very
Speaker 1: uncomfortable to watch someone else. The other thing I'd say
Speaker 1: is if you feel you're growing at a faster rate
Speaker 1: than your partner, that should result in more compassion, more empathy,
Speaker 1: and more patience. That's actually a result of more work.
Speaker 1: The result of more work is not more judgment, more critique,
Speaker 1: and more spotting of weaknesses. That is not and I
Speaker 1: think that's the challenge sometimes in early spiritual circles or
Speaker 1: early self development or personal growth. You start thinking, oh,
Speaker 1: I can see everything clearly, and I can see all
Speaker 1: these faults, and now we start to critique. I've worked
Speaker 1: with so many couples where men and women have come
Speaker 1: to me and said, my wife criticizes me daily. My
Speaker 1: wife has changed my entire diet, rather has changed my
Speaker 1: entire diet, my workout plan, and so much in my life.
Speaker 1: And yet I've never felt criticized or judged. And that's genius,
Speaker 1: Like it's unbelievable the level of coaching she's given me
Speaker 1: in an area of my life that I was negligent about.
Speaker 1: And I've never felt criticized. I've only felt encouraged. And
Speaker 1: she's always set the example because she's doing it regardless
Speaker 1: of whether I do it or not. So it's not like, oh,
Speaker 1: you have to do this with me, Oh look at me,
Speaker 1: Look what I'm doing. Oh look what all these other
Speaker 1: guys are doing. Why don't you do this? Why don't
Speaker 1: you look like this? Like how does that make anyone change? Like?
Speaker 1: How does it make anyone set? But that's the kind
Speaker 1: of stuff we say to the people we supposedly love.
Speaker 1: And so for me, if you genuinely believe you're growing spiritually.
Speaker 1: That's more compassion, more empathy, more love, more criticism, judgment
Speaker 1: and fault finding.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I'll see oftentimes, where it's like I'm
Speaker 2: becoming more spiritual, I'm doing the work, and then the
Speaker 2: focus becomes everyone else is not. It's like then you
Speaker 2: turn everyone. You're like, and I just realize that my
Speaker 2: mom's a narcissist and their codependent and all these things,
Speaker 2: and then they turn and label everyone with everything. It's
Speaker 2: just it's kind of heartbreaking because you're like, Okay, that's again,
Speaker 2: you know, not the point. It's kind of like part
Speaker 2: of the path.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and hey, I'm compassionate to that person too, going
Speaker 1: back to this whole conversation, Like, the reason why I'm
Speaker 1: compassionate to the person that labels is because we're doing
Speaker 1: that for our own security in the beginning. So when
Speaker 1: you can finally see and you're like, okay, and I'm
Speaker 1: not pointing at you for real, but yes, narcissist, like whatever.
Speaker 1: Like when you start labeling people, really you're doing it
Speaker 1: to show yourself. I am learning. I know, I'm understanding.
Speaker 1: So I also have compassion for that because in the beginning,
Speaker 1: you have to protect yourself. It's like when someone first
Speaker 1: makes a big shift in their life, they have to
Speaker 1: cut other people out and they have to look at
Speaker 1: the difference and be very black and white because they
Speaker 1: don't know how to do it otherwise. Right, if they
Speaker 1: don't cut that group of friends out, they won't be
Speaker 1: able to stop drinking. If they don't cut that group
Speaker 1: of friends out, they won't be able to disconnect from
Speaker 1: Instagram or whatever it may be. And that's an early
Speaker 1: stage of change. So we don't want to be We
Speaker 1: don't want to hate on them either because we understand it.
Speaker 1: But I think when you are that person, you want
Speaker 1: to be aware of it so they don't push people away.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like, how is it leading you to more separation?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: You know what I mean. It's like, let's be mindful
Speaker 2: of Like what again, it's always coming back? What is
Speaker 2: more separation? What is more separation? In the book, it
Speaker 2: talks a little bit about purpose too, like purpose as
Speaker 2: it relates to love and relationship. So what is that
Speaker 2: correlation because I think sometimes people think about them separately.
Speaker 1: Yes. Yeah, Before we dive into that, I wanted to
Speaker 1: touch on one more nuance yeah, because you've the questions
Speaker 1: you asn't been so great, and I'm like, I want
Speaker 1: to make sure that we touch on that. There's a
Speaker 1: nuance also of like when someone starting their journey. And
Speaker 1: I deeply mean this, and it took me a while
Speaker 1: to learn this, even as a coach in this space.
Speaker 1: Was not everyone's going to learn from the same books
Speaker 1: you read, from the same podcast you listen to, and
Speaker 1: from the same teachers and guides and coaches that you
Speaker 1: found your truth through. And I often say to people
Speaker 1: I work with, one of my favorite things I get
Speaker 1: to do is my podcast, and I sit down with
Speaker 1: so many different people from so many different walks of life.
Speaker 1: Some of them are neuroscientists, some of them are athletes,
Speaker 1: some of them are actors, musicians, models, some of them
Speaker 1: are philanthropists and professors. What I'm hoping is that that
Speaker 1: allows multiple different people to come on their journey of
Speaker 1: personal growth. Like I remember when I first sat down
Speaker 1: with Ray Dahlio, who's become a dear friend at this point.
Speaker 1: Ray Dahlio is the founder of Bridgewater Associates, highly sought
Speaker 1: after in the financial world. If anyone as a partner
Speaker 1: or a friend who's well known in finance, Ray Dahlia
Speaker 1: is like and I didn't even when I first met Ray,
Speaker 1: I did not know that about him.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: And it was really funny because all my investment banker
Speaker 1: friends and hedge fund manager friends after that episode they
Speaker 1: were like, Jay, You're so cool, like we love you now.
Speaker 2: I was like, whoa Kendall Jenner was like.
Speaker 1: But it's like for them, Ray Dahlio is like their person.
Speaker 1: And so when they hear Ray talk about meditation and
Speaker 1: Ray does meditate. Ray's been meditating for years and he
Speaker 1: credits meditation as being one of the most successful parts
Speaker 1: of his success, all the hedge fund managers and investment
Speaker 1: bankers are going, oh my god, I need to meditate, right,
Speaker 1: And they could have heard about it about meditation from
Speaker 1: me for like years and it didn't move them. So
Speaker 1: people have to hear about it through a voice that
Speaker 1: affects them and not my voice doesn't affect everyone, and
Speaker 1: that's okay, and you know it doesn't work that way.
Speaker 1: So I feel like when you're watching your partner not
Speaker 1: progress on the journey, it's often because you're trying to
Speaker 1: get them to go on your journey not there. And
Speaker 1: so if you can open and broaden your mind and
Speaker 1: think maybe they're not going to read the same book
Speaker 1: as me. Maybe they need to listen to this episode
Speaker 1: of this podcast. Right, So anyway, I wanted to touch
Speaker 1: on that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that because it is and again I
Speaker 2: said it before, but it's like I think for women,
Speaker 2: there's like a communal aspect to who we are and
Speaker 2: what we do. Even with Roddy, it's so interesting hearing
Speaker 2: your guys's values because it's so masculine feminine if we're
Speaker 2: looking at just the archetypes of the energetic yours is
Speaker 2: purpose focused, verus his family. But it's like for women,
Speaker 2: we're like, Okay, we're doing this thing. Come on, everybody,
Speaker 2: join us, join us in this thing. But again, there's
Speaker 2: that moment and I think a lot of women are
Speaker 2: going through this where it's almost like personal growth, self
Speaker 2: development work fatigue because we've just been inundated with so
Speaker 2: much of it. And I just also want to be mindful,
Speaker 2: like how much is this personal growth work or information
Speaker 2: supporting you and loving yourself more? Yeah, and that's the
Speaker 2: period of it. You know, this needs to support you
Speaker 2: in a depth of love for yourself and acceptance that
Speaker 2: goes beyond and really being concerned about what everyone else
Speaker 2: is doing in their world too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so beautiful and I kind of agree with
Speaker 1: you more and I deeply. I mean, I was raised
Speaker 1: by a mom who did everything for me, so you know,
Speaker 1: I have a lot of I've had a lot of
Speaker 1: perspective on that from day one, where my mom woke
Speaker 1: me up, got me ready for school and for my
Speaker 1: sister to made us breakfast, dropped us to school, made
Speaker 1: us pack lunch, went off to work all day. She
Speaker 1: learned a new career so that she could be flexible
Speaker 1: for me and my sister. So she quit her full
Speaker 1: time job, took exams in a whole new career path
Speaker 1: so that she could be self employed, to set up
Speaker 1: her own work from home situation so that she could
Speaker 1: pick us up. And she didn't, you know, she never
Speaker 1: did exams beyond sixteen years old, Like she didn't get
Speaker 1: to go to college or anything like that. But she
Speaker 1: did all of that just for us. And then she'd
Speaker 1: pick us up from school, make dinner for us, help
Speaker 1: us with our homework, and then we'd go to bed.
Speaker 1: And so I saw, I saw like and at the
Speaker 1: same time I saw someone who you know, didn't have
Speaker 1: enough time to love herself or didn't have enough time
Speaker 1: to do things for herself. And and that pains me
Speaker 1: now looking back, because obviously as an eight year old,
Speaker 1: as a twelve year old, there's very little understanding you
Speaker 1: have of the full picture of.
Speaker 2: What mom, what's your self care?
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, I wish, I wish, I wish, and I
Speaker 1: do it now as much as I can, of course,
Speaker 1: but at that time I didn't have that. And I
Speaker 1: look at that and I'm like, Wow, my mom gave
Speaker 1: everything for me and my sister to be, to be
Speaker 1: set up, and I know that I'm fueled by that love.
Speaker 1: And I know that the love I try to give
Speaker 1: out in the world is my mom's love that she
Speaker 1: filled me up with. Like you know the book, she's
Speaker 1: one third of the dedication of this book because she
Speaker 1: literally taught me how to love endlessly. And so when
Speaker 1: I look at the pressure that she had and the
Speaker 1: fact that she never made time for herself and she
Speaker 1: did set me up, I really feel that. And we'll
Speaker 1: go back to your purpose question afterwards, and it's kind
Speaker 1: of linked to this, but I do feel that the
Speaker 1: point of all of this work is to lead you
Speaker 1: to being happier, healthier, and more healed. And the path
Speaker 1: to being happier, healthier, and more healed is not beautiful
Speaker 1: in the external sense. It's difficult. And so just because
Speaker 1: your life looks tough or difficult, it doesn't mean you're
Speaker 1: on the wrong path. Chances are you're on the right path.
Speaker 1: But I think what you brought up, Crystal, which I love,
Speaker 1: is that there's a spirit of self love that kind
Speaker 1: of underpins all of it, and really that comes from
Speaker 1: self forgiveness and grace, and that is a cultivation in
Speaker 1: and of itself. And so actually, what I would say,
Speaker 1: based on your thoughts, which I appreciate and I agree with,
Speaker 1: most people's self development work should actually be aimed at
Speaker 1: developing self forgiveness and grace because that becomes a path
Speaker 1: to all of this. Because, Hey, whether you want to
Speaker 1: learn how to meditate, or whether you want to work
Speaker 1: out more, or whether you want to eat healthy, or
Speaker 1: whatever you want to do, I promise you self forgiveness
Speaker 1: and grace are going to be a part of the process.
Speaker 1: Because you're going to miss a day at the gym,
Speaker 1: you're going to miss eating that healthy meal, You're gonna
Speaker 1: not want to meditate for three days in a row.
Speaker 1: And the skill that helps you with all of that
Speaker 1: is self forgiveness and grace. And so I encourage you
Speaker 1: all to make your personal growth journey about self forgiveness
Speaker 1: and grace to assist what you.
Speaker 2: Said, which I think changing who you are?
Speaker 1: Correct?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's the goal, you know, for a
Speaker 2: lot of people is how can I change who I am?
Speaker 2: How can I make myself different? Instead of accepting where
Speaker 2: you're at?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: The purpose piece on relationships and purpose.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the reason why I bring it up is kind
Speaker 1: of related to this, and it's the idea that Albert
Speaker 1: Einstein once said, if you want to be happy, like
Speaker 1: focus on a goal, not a person or a thing.
Speaker 1: And it's like the idea that I think a lot
Speaker 1: of people make people their purpose. And when I've worked
Speaker 1: with people, especially people who have been in relationships for
Speaker 1: a long time, maybe your partner was the entrepreneurs, so
Speaker 1: you sacrificed your journey to help them. Maybe your partner
Speaker 1: was the breadwinner, so you put everything you cared about
Speaker 1: a side and went all in for them. That's fine
Speaker 1: for a bit, but when someone's done that for ten
Speaker 1: twenty thirty years. What I've found is a lot of
Speaker 1: people come out in their fifties and then feel like
Speaker 1: they didn't achieve their potential. So I've seen people who
Speaker 1: potentially look happily married or in relationships for ten twenty
Speaker 1: thirty years, and then one person comes out and says,
Speaker 1: we worked for your dreams, not mine, and now they
Speaker 1: feel misled. And so what I do in the book
Speaker 1: is I create a scenario based support system regardless of
Speaker 1: your financial position or where you are, to help you
Speaker 1: make sense of how do we decide, how do we
Speaker 1: consciously make an effort to decide how we both help
Speaker 1: each other focus on our purpose of where we're at.
Speaker 1: And again it's a consciousness thing. What happened in these
Speaker 1: relationships that I'm talking about is the person who was
Speaker 1: the breadwinner, they assume their partner should help them, and
Speaker 1: they never talked about it. And so what ended up
Speaker 1: happening thirty years later they hate each other, Well, one
Speaker 1: of them hates the other one for saying, you took
Speaker 1: me away from my purpose and they're like, no, I
Speaker 1: didn't take you away. I was just taking care of
Speaker 1: the family and you were helping me. And so it
Speaker 1: ends up being this awkward thing where it's like we
Speaker 1: just never talked about it. And so I feel like
Speaker 1: when you have a healthy conversation and you're like, well,
Speaker 1: I think you know, if you can give me twelve
Speaker 1: months to experiment, could you hold it down for twelve months? Okay,
Speaker 1: we experient, Okay, I got some can you do this?
Speaker 1: And I think having that conversation upfront just saves you
Speaker 1: so much stress and hassle. And I think we avoid
Speaker 1: that conversation because we want to be the supportive partner.
Speaker 1: We want to be the partner who sacrifices everything because look,
Speaker 1: look how much I love you. And I think that
Speaker 1: just misleads us and the other person. So I would
Speaker 1: encourage you all to make the pursuit of purpose a
Speaker 1: healthy pursuit in your life. And I call it a
Speaker 1: pursuit rather than finding your purpose, because the pressure of
Speaker 1: finding your purpose again stops you from loving yourself because
Speaker 1: you're like, I don't have it. I don't know what
Speaker 1: it is. I don't have it. I don't know what
Speaker 1: it is. And all I'm saying is, hey, just have
Speaker 1: stuff you care about and don't let go of it.
Speaker 1: That's all I'm saying. Have something you care about and
Speaker 1: you don't let go of it. It could be something
Speaker 1: as simple as going for a coffee with your friend
Speaker 1: every week. It could be as simple as helping out
Speaker 1: at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. It could
Speaker 1: be as simple as working on your creative pursuits of
Speaker 1: art or sport or whatever it maybe, but just don't
Speaker 1: give it up because you think now you have to
Speaker 1: grow out of it. And I think that's in the
Speaker 1: book I really give, step by step focuses on how
Speaker 1: no matter what your situation is, how you both don't
Speaker 1: have to sacrifice, but there's a way of figuring it out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's huge. I think also too. It's what I
Speaker 2: found during that And I've learned this over time just
Speaker 2: even watching my parents or other relationships, so much can
Speaker 2: be remedied or supported by talking about it. You know,
Speaker 2: even with a lot of a lot of my women
Speaker 2: friends are the breadwinners. Like I think almost more than
Speaker 2: half now are breadwinners. And it's like there's a dynamic,
Speaker 2: there's a powerplay happening within the relationship where they're the breadwinners.
Speaker 2: You know, the husband or partner or boyfriend might not
Speaker 2: be and so there's this like power struggle, but there's
Speaker 2: not an actual conversation of like, hey, if I'm making
Speaker 2: more money, what's your contribution? Or how are we going
Speaker 2: to work with this energy? How are you feeling about
Speaker 2: you know, there's so much can be remedied by communication.
Speaker 2: It's so wild.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I guess that's why we've always had communication, communication, communication,
Speaker 1: But the challenge is that we want to talk about
Speaker 1: how people behave or their actions, but we don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about our intentions. So we'd rather talk about
Speaker 1: like you did that wrong, you should be doing this,
Speaker 1: or I expected this from you, rather than this is
Speaker 1: what I'm feeling, this is what I'm thinking, how are
Speaker 1: you thinking about it? And that's because we're scared that
Speaker 1: if we say it out loud, the other person doesn't
Speaker 1: have the humility to hear it. We're scared that if
Speaker 1: I tell my partner, hey, i'm the breadwinner, I really
Speaker 1: need your support, that they don't have the humility or
Speaker 1: the lack of ego to say, yeah, I think you're right.
Speaker 1: That's what we should do. And that's what we have
Speaker 1: to realize is it doesn't have to be about winning
Speaker 1: and losing the reason why EGO gets involved is because
Speaker 1: we want to win. And the way I see in
Speaker 1: relationships is if I win and you lose, we both
Speaker 1: lose because we both are on the same team. And
Speaker 1: if you win and I lose, then we both lose
Speaker 1: because we're on the same team. So we have two choices.
Speaker 1: We either win together or we lose together. There's no
Speaker 1: third option, whereas we think there's a third option off
Speaker 1: I won and you lost, you both lost. And so
Speaker 1: my encouragement is in a relationship, if you're genuinely committed
Speaker 1: to working it out with someone, first of all, bring
Speaker 1: up conversation in a non confrontational, non aggressive way. Talk
Speaker 1: about things when they're not heated. We wait till things
Speaker 1: are heated to say how we really feel, rather than
Speaker 1: doing it when it's cool and just saying hey, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I'll often ask RADI, I'll be like, and this
Speaker 1: is when we're not not having a fight or not
Speaker 1: in a in a disagreement, I'll say, is this relationship
Speaker 1: going in the direction you want it to go? But
Speaker 1: that that question has to be asked in a safe space,
Speaker 1: because what I don't want her to think is J
Speaker 1: thinks it's going in the wrong direction, which is not
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I'm asking a question because if we're
Speaker 1: both going to be in this, I want to know
Speaker 1: if it's going in the direction you want, and I
Speaker 1: want it to go in a certain direction, and then
Speaker 1: I want a safe space to say, hey, you know what,
Speaker 1: it's not quite going in the direction I want. Here's why.
Speaker 1: But it's like it needs to be a safe space
Speaker 1: where I don't feel that person's going to destroy me
Speaker 1: for raising a concern. And I think we've created conversations
Speaker 1: in communication where anything that's uncomfortable to talk about, or
Speaker 1: anything that's difficult to talk about, you never talk about it.
Speaker 1: We saw our parents do that, we saw families do that,
Speaker 1: we saw friends do that, and now we only talk
Speaker 1: about uncomfortable things when we're screaming at the top of
Speaker 1: our lungs, and that pushes the other person apart. So
Speaker 1: I think humility, I think presenting things properly. I mean,
Speaker 1: there's this beautiful research that shows that when you give
Speaker 1: feedback to some one, if you're walking together in the
Speaker 1: same direction, the other person's more likely to digest it.
Speaker 1: If you're sitting at a round table instead of opposite
Speaker 1: each other, it's less confrontational, it's creating less animosity. But
Speaker 1: if you're sitting opposite each other at a table, it
Speaker 1: feels like I'm against you. It doesn't feel like we're together.
Speaker 1: And so the idea of can you create that environment
Speaker 1: externally and internally that if I really want this person
Speaker 1: in my life, we're going to solve this together. If
Speaker 1: I really want them in my life, it can't be
Speaker 1: about getting one up on them, like that can't be
Speaker 1: where we go.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and conscious loving. They say that most arguments when
Speaker 2: they're unconscious are a fight for the victim position. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so you're like, who's who's the victim? When me and
Speaker 2: Lindsay have a confrontation, or even me and my husband
Speaker 2: will usually go to the beach and if I have
Speaker 2: something that I want to talk about or she does,
Speaker 2: it's like you're kind of massage the first part of
Speaker 2: the conversation to be like normal, and then you'll bring
Speaker 2: it up because it's like, Okay, we're regulating in our
Speaker 2: nervous systems together. And it's nice to have the walking
Speaker 2: in the same direction because not only is it like
Speaker 2: that symbol of we're walking together, but it almost gives
Speaker 2: your eyes and your body a little bit of a break, yes,
Speaker 2: to just be okay, I'm looking ahead, I'm we're not
Speaker 2: face to face, like there's a face off element. And
Speaker 2: so being in nature and finding the right environment is
Speaker 2: really important, you know, being outside, being at the park,
Speaker 2: kind of breaking the pattern of potentially being in the
Speaker 2: home or being in the bedroom or being on all
Speaker 2: these things I think is so nice.
Speaker 1: Absolutely yeah, And I love that you do that, and
Speaker 1: it's such a valuable skill. And you know, I think
Speaker 1: learning how to fight I talk about in the book
Speaker 1: about fight styles, and the reason why I brought up
Speaker 1: fight styles is I was a huge fan of you know,
Speaker 1: Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages, and I think that's beautiful.
Speaker 1: But I was looking at all the Gotman Institute research
Speaker 1: shows that learning how to fight, learning how to deal
Speaker 1: with conflict is core to a long lasting relationtionship. And
Speaker 1: if you look at our weakest skill in a relationship,
Speaker 1: it's communicating during conflict. Why do people struggle in a
Speaker 1: relationship because we don't know how to talk about hard things.
Speaker 1: We don't know how to have a conversation about things
Speaker 1: we disagree on. We do like literally you can ruin
Speaker 1: the whole night because you disagreed about what to watch
Speaker 1: or what to eat, Like everything can go because we
Speaker 1: don't know how to talk about things that we could
Speaker 1: debate on. And so I created this and inside the
Speaker 1: book there's a test that you can do that helps
Speaker 1: you figure out what your fight style is. And there
Speaker 1: are three fight styles you have, venting, hiding, and exploding.
Speaker 1: Venting is I want to talk it out and I
Speaker 1: want to talk about it right now. Let's solve this,
Speaker 1: let's figure it out. Hiding is I need to break.
Speaker 1: I need to go somewhere by myself. I need to
Speaker 1: let myself emotionally regulate and then I'll come back when
Speaker 1: I'm ready. And Exploding is like, you know, like maybe
Speaker 1: I'm like I just burst into tears. I like just
Speaker 1: like I need blame you. I need to just like
Speaker 1: be aggressive. Maybe even it can be aggressive and it
Speaker 1: could just be like I just feel I just don't
Speaker 1: have to control anything. Hiding is like, at least I
Speaker 1: know where to go away. Venting is like but sometimes
Speaker 1: we explode, and we all experience all of these three obviously,
Speaker 1: but I help you find your one, and it's important
Speaker 1: to know that because otherwise you're a kickboxer and your
Speaker 1: partner's doing MMA and it doesn't you know, you can't
Speaker 1: fight accordingly. And so in our case, I'm a venor.
Speaker 1: I want to talk about it. I want to talk
Speaker 1: about it now, and rather he's a hider. She wants
Speaker 1: to go and reflect on it. And in the beginning
Speaker 1: of our relationship, I often said to Radi I felt
Speaker 1: she didn't love me because she didn't want to talk
Speaker 1: about it right now. I was like, you obviously don't
Speaker 1: care because we just had a big argument. And if
Speaker 1: you need to walk away from this space, that means
Speaker 1: you don't care. That means you don't you're not invested.
Speaker 1: That's just not true. Her way of investing is taking
Speaker 1: out time. My way of taking investment is showing I
Speaker 1: want to talk. And so I think knowing your fight
Speaker 1: and being aware of it and being aware of your
Speaker 1: partner's fight style. I realized rather needed two days, I
Speaker 1: wanted it now. So we're talking one day. Let's meet
Speaker 1: in the middle. Let's give you some time, but let's
Speaker 1: not leave me in anxiety. Let's create a space where
Speaker 1: we can safely connect. And so when we communicate about
Speaker 1: our fight stars, when we communicate our relationship roles. When
Speaker 1: we communicate about all these things, we start getting tools
Speaker 1: and skills and abilities. When we don't talk about any
Speaker 1: of these things, we just create the story in our head.
Speaker 1: You're not here. That means you don't care. You're late,
Speaker 1: that means you don't care. You never turn up, that
Speaker 1: means you don't care. But those are just stories that
Speaker 1: we're creating without letting that person tell us their story,
Speaker 1: and we never know what their story is after many years.
Speaker 2: I'm so excited about the book. I'm so excited. Last
Speaker 2: question from me, what is that one hope that you
Speaker 2: have for people when reading it or when having it.
Speaker 1: My hope for people when reading it is that it's
Speaker 1: not about completing the book. It's not about finishing a book.
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people today it's like I
Speaker 1: can finish a book. I complete in a milk. I
Speaker 1: listened to it the kind of of course.
Speaker 2: Yeah, is such a funny concept.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And my hope is that you use it as
Speaker 1: a consistent guide, a consistent companion, a consistent work book.
Speaker 1: There's activities, that's exercises, there's tests, there's quizes, there's there's
Speaker 1: just a lot of material. It's not meant to be
Speaker 1: read just to finish it. It's it's there to help
Speaker 1: you at any point in your life when you're struggling
Speaker 1: and you flick to a page and go talk to me.
Speaker 1: I want people to have a slower, longer, deeper love,
Speaker 1: and so I hope that your process of moving through
Speaker 1: the book is slower, longer, and deeper, because that will
Speaker 1: lead to that type of love.
Speaker 2: So grateful you're here.
Speaker 1: Thank you, so so this was beautiful. You asked me
Speaker 1: so many You're such a brilliant interview. You asked me
Speaker 1: so many questions I haven't yet talked about, haven't been asked.
Speaker 1: I really hope everyone's been listening, Like I really hope
Speaker 1: this serves you. I want you to have a beautiful
Speaker 1: love story in your life. I want you to have
Speaker 1: the most fulfilling, powerful, abundant love in your life. But
Speaker 1: I want you to have the skills in order to
Speaker 1: create it. I don't want you to hope and wish
Speaker 1: and wait and want for it. And so Christal, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for sharing this with your community and
Speaker 1: your audience. And I'm so grateful to you. So thank you.
Speaker 2: We love you, guys, We thank.
Speaker 1: You each year around the holidays, I do a Secret
Speaker 1: Center gift exchange with my team, and I get so
Speaker 1: caught up in finding the perfect gift for my secret
Speaker 1: center I almost forget that someone else is doing the
Speaker 1: same for me. If only we could treat all our
Speaker 1: relationships this way, if we could give with such enthusiasm
Speaker 1: without thinking about what we'll get back. And that's what
Speaker 1: the next seven minutes are about relationships, expectations, and where
Speaker 1: we can get into trouble. I'm Jay Shaddy. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Daily Jay. Let's start with a few mindful breaths
Speaker 1: to get centered in this moment, breathing in and breathing out,
Speaker 1: expanding with the inhale, releasing with the exhale, settling in
Speaker 1: to right now, and sinking into right here. When people
Speaker 1: think of monasteries, love is not the first thing that
Speaker 1: comes to mind, But believe it or not, the biggest
Speaker 1: lessons I've learned about relationships came from my time as
Speaker 1: a monk. The Ashram works like a big extended family.
Speaker 1: We're taught to love and look after each other, lend
Speaker 1: a hand whenever possible, and generally show kindness towards each other.
Speaker 1: After months of giving my all, I began to feel
Speaker 1: like I wasn't getting all my giving back, So finally
Speaker 1: I went to one of my teachers for advice. I'm upset,
Speaker 1: I said, I feel like I'm giving out a lot
Speaker 1: of love, but I don't feel like it's being returned
Speaker 1: in kind. I'm caring and looking out for others, but
Speaker 1: they don't do the same for me. I don't get it.
Speaker 1: Then he said something that forever changed my relationship. With relationship,
Speaker 1: love is like a circle. You assume the love you
Speaker 1: will receive will come from the person you gave it to,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't always come from that person. The problem,
Speaker 1: he told me, lies in our expectations. We tend to
Speaker 1: think of relationships as transactions. You scratch my back, I'll
Speaker 1: scratch yours. We keep scorecards in our minds. We go
Speaker 1: tit for tat, But love and relationships don't always work
Speaker 1: that way, or at least they shouldn't. A tit for
Speaker 1: them doesn't always equal a tap for you. You know
Speaker 1: this makes me think of my mom, caring, loving, always
Speaker 1: there for me. In fact, if she had her way,
Speaker 1: we'd be facetiming all day long. And don't get me wrong,
Speaker 1: I love my mom. I'm grateful for her, and I
Speaker 1: try to show it. But even if I don't pick
Speaker 1: up her call or give her the same attention back,
Speaker 1: her approach to me doesn't change. She never expects anything
Speaker 1: in return. I think we could all use that lesson
Speaker 1: to focus on what we're giving out. Let go of
Speaker 1: the scorecard, scratch her back without worrying about the itch
Speaker 1: on ours, and give without expectations. We should give love purely,
Speaker 1: to give love no other reason. It's as simple as that,
Speaker 1: and let's reflect on that now. Begin by thinking about
Speaker 1: how you tend to view relationships. Do you look for reciprocation?
Speaker 1: Do you keep a tally who has shown you kindness
Speaker 1: or consideration without expecting something equal in return? How could
Speaker 1: you be that person for someone else, for everyone else?
Speaker 1: See what happens if you let go of your expectations
Speaker 1: and join into the feedback loop of love. So for
Speaker 1: today's meditation, we're going to do a loving kindness practice
Speaker 1: to work on giving with no agenda. Start by getting comfortable,
Speaker 1: Feel free to close your eyes if you want, and
Speaker 1: bring your attention to your breath, the natural flow of
Speaker 1: air in and out. Now, let's send some love. Bring
Speaker 1: to mind someone that's easy to feel kindness towards It.
Speaker 1: Could be a family member, a friend, even a pet.
Speaker 1: Think of their positive qualities and just send them love.
Speaker 1: Simple as that. You can silently repeat these phrases if
Speaker 1: it helps. May you be happy, May you be healthy,
Speaker 1: May you be peaceful, showering them with well wishes, nothing
Speaker 1: in it for you. Now extend this out a bit
Speaker 1: and include a group of people, or even the whole world.
Speaker 1: May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you
Speaker 1: be peaceful. This practice of sending love can help open
Speaker 1: our hearts, and a famous quote by Catherine Hepburn's sums
Speaker 1: it up well. Love has nothing to do with what
Speaker 1: you're expecting to get, only with what you're expecting to give,
Speaker 1: which is everything. Thank you for trying something new with me.
Speaker 1: Go ahead and share this message with some one else
Speaker 1: who could use a little love to day. I love
Speaker 1: you all, and I can't wait to connect once again
Speaker 1: to morrow.