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Speaker 1: like giving yourself a special bedtime tree that helps you

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Speaker 1: relax and recharge. Once you start practicing a sleep ritual,

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Speaker 1: you'll wake up feeling totally refreshed and ready to take

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Speaker 1: on anything. Establishing a relaxing sleep ritual signals to your

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Speaker 1: body that it's time to unwind. Consider incorporating activities that

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Speaker 1: calm your mind, such as journaling, listening to a sleep

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Speaker 1: focused podcast, or using a romatherapy with essential oils. Make

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Speaker 1: it your own special routine and aim to do it

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Speaker 1: every night so your brain associates the activity with sleep.

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Speaker 1: Another tip for a much better quality sleep is creating

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Speaker 1: a soothing environment. Your sleep environment plays a crucial role

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Speaker 1: in getting quality rest. Make sure your bedroom is a

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Speaker 1: sanctuary dedicated to sleep. Dim the lights, keep the temperature,

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Speaker 1: Having a good mattress can give you the right comfort

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Speaker 1: Dream Cloud rest Reimagined. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because

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Speaker 1: we're going to be adding a really special offering onto

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Speaker 1: the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily

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Speaker 1: Jay is a daily series on calm and It's meant

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Speaker 1: to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live

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Speaker 1: a more mindful, stress free life. We dive into a

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Speaker 1: range of topics and the best part is each episode

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Speaker 1: is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it

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Speaker 1: into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As

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Speaker 1: a dedicated part of the on Purpose community, I wanted

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Speaker 1: to do something special for you this year, so I'll

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Speaker 1: be playing a handpicked Daily Jay during each of my

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Speaker 1: Friday podcasts. This week. We're talking about your relationships and

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Speaker 1: how to create the most meaningful connections with the people

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Speaker 1: that matter to you. Of course, if you want to

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Speaker 1: listen to the Daily Jay every day, you can go

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Speaker 1: subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm dot com forward

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Speaker 1: slash j for forty percent off your membership today. We

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Speaker 1: think like among it was good to have my face

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Speaker 1: on the cover because it had elements of my story.

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Speaker 1: And while I do tell stories about me and Radley

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Speaker 1: in this book, this book is not about our relationship

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Speaker 1: or about our experience. It's about relationships, and so I

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Speaker 1: didn't want this to ever feel like a book of

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Speaker 1: I've mastered relationships. Look how perfect my relationship is. Learn

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Speaker 1: from me, That's not what this book is. This book,

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Speaker 1: like all my other work, is me studying something, me

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Speaker 1: coaching clients, working with people, and then trying to extract

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Speaker 1: the lessons and saying, here's what I learned by watching, observing, coaching, researching,

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Speaker 1: And I felt that I wanted something bold and beautiful

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Speaker 1: on the cover that almost felt like you were part

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Speaker 1: of a movement as well. And I thought, how beautiful

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Speaker 1: would it be that millions of people across the world,

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Speaker 1: billions of people are going to see the word love

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Speaker 1: every day in a very bold, beautiful way. And even

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Speaker 1: if that just even if they don't buy the book,

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Speaker 1: but it injects some love into the world. I think

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Speaker 1: that's a good thing. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I was curious about why a book on relationships and love?

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Speaker 2: I mean, you could have done so many different things

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Speaker 2: after you know, your first book and then the second

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Speaker 2: book of quotes, But why love in relationships?

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Speaker 1: What could I have done? Tell me? I want to

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Speaker 1: know what should I have written about best.

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Speaker 2: Hair, how to crush entrepreneurship? I feel like it makes sense.

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Speaker 2: But you know, when I think about love and relationships,

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Speaker 2: it's like a very kind of narrow focus when you

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Speaker 2: usually are so broad your life. You're a purpose coach.

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Speaker 2: You could it on purpose.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So I have no and I really appreciate that.

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Speaker 1: And I think for me, I've always talked about how

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Speaker 1: there are four important decisions you make in life, and

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Speaker 1: this is something that I developed a few years ago.

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Speaker 1: The first decision is how do you feel about yourself?

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Speaker 1: That is one of the most important decisions you make

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Speaker 1: every single day, when you look in the mirror, when

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Speaker 1: you wake up, when you're talk into your partner, when

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Speaker 1: you're talking to a friend, what do I feel about myself?

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Speaker 1: The second most important question or the second most important

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Speaker 1: decision we make every day or what we do, is

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Speaker 1: who we choose to give our love to and who

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Speaker 1: we choose to receive love from. The third most important

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Speaker 1: decision we make in life is what do we do

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Speaker 1: for money? And how do we make money? And the

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Speaker 1: fourth most important decision we make in life is who

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Speaker 1: do I serve? And how do I serve? How do

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Speaker 1: I contribute back to the world. And so I am

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Speaker 1: working through writing a book on each decision and after answering,

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Speaker 1: think like a monk answers the decision of how do

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Speaker 1: I feel about myself? That's what it's dedicated to. I

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Speaker 1: was just sitting down with so many friends, so many clients,

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Speaker 1: so many people where their relationship was the cause of

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Speaker 1: their greatest pain and suffering. So I knew people who

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Speaker 1: were incredible entrepreneurs, but their relationship was on the back

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Speaker 1: burner and they didn't feel fulfilled. Or I knew people

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Speaker 1: who were starting something all up, but because they didn't

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Speaker 1: have a partner, they didn't feel complete. Or I knew

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Speaker 1: people who'd got divorced and broken up and they had

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Speaker 1: a beautiful relationship with their kids, they had great friends,

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Speaker 1: but they still felt inadequate because they weren't in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: And so I just saw relationship is like the core

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Speaker 1: of so much human happiness. And when I interviewed Dr

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Speaker 1: Robert Waldinger, he talked about how this seventy five year

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Speaker 1: study at Harvard, he's the fourth professor to complete the study.

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Speaker 1: I think he just told me it's now eighty five years.

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Speaker 1: They've been looking at humans and watching humans lives for

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Speaker 1: eighty five years, and the number one thing that human

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Speaker 1: happiness came down to was the quality of our relationships.

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Speaker 1: And so I felt, as someone who loved serving and

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Speaker 1: supporting people, I couldn't avoid this topic. And I think

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Speaker 1: I was drawn to it because of my own mistakes

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Speaker 1: in the space. My own success is in the space

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Speaker 1: and looking at both those around.

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Speaker 2: Me, something you and Roddy have talked about. I thought

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Speaker 2: would be a beautiful way to sort of start the

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Speaker 2: conversation was kind of understanding the landscape for how we

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Speaker 2: understand love today. So, I know you talked a lot

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Speaker 2: about Bollywood culture and sort of like happily ever After,

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Speaker 2: and I've been thinking a lot about that too, as

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Speaker 2: far as the programming around relationships. You know, I remember

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Speaker 2: my life was once you get married and have kids,

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Speaker 2: it's like I, you know, there wasn't any other resources

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Speaker 2: or support and I my parents separated, and now I

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Speaker 2: have so much compassion for them because I'm like, oh

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Speaker 2: my gosh, Like now I understand what it takes to

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Speaker 2: build a healthy relationship and it's not just Happily other after.

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Speaker 2: So I'd love to talk a little bit about your upbringing,

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Speaker 2: the Bollywood experience, and sort of where we are today

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Speaker 2: as far as our understanding of love.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So for anyone who has never watched a Bollywood movie,

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Speaker 1: Bollywood is like Hollywood on romantic steroids. Right, So if

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Speaker 1: you take a rom com and then you add music, dancing, moil,

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Speaker 1: oh more color over dramatic stories of love and sacrifice

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Speaker 1: and surrender, you get Bollywood. And I grew up on

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Speaker 1: Bollywood and Hollywood movies, and to me, I loved rom

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Speaker 1: coms growing up, like I loved rom coms, and I

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Speaker 1: think that's a big impact of my mom, like watching

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Speaker 1: rom coms at home and you know, us getting together

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Speaker 1: and watching them and me wanting that kind of fairy

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Speaker 1: tale love. And I can definitely admit openly that I

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Speaker 1: wanted a fairy tale kind of love. I wanted a

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Speaker 1: rom Com kind of love because you start to realize

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Speaker 1: that that's the only images of love that you see,

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Speaker 1: and then I started to think about other images of

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Speaker 1: love I saw. My family didn't have great relationships, so

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Speaker 1: there were no good images of love there that I

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Speaker 1: could say I want that. If anything, I was saying,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to repeat that. And then if I

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Speaker 1: looked at my friend's parents or I looked at extended family,

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Speaker 1: I didn't see any great images of relationships there either.

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Speaker 1: So the only happy relationships I saw were in movies.

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Speaker 1: So then that became my image of that's a good

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Speaker 1: love story. And I think I pursued that and chased

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Speaker 1: that a lot, only to feel really disheartened every time

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Speaker 1: because you couldn't recreate a movie in real life. It

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Speaker 1: just wouldn't work. And so when I talk about my upbringing,

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Speaker 1: I found a lot of habits that I didn't want

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Speaker 1: to repeat in my own life. I saw a lot

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Speaker 1: of things that I would never want to replicate. And

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Speaker 1: I started almost making a mental note saying, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to argue like that. I won't behave like that,

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Speaker 1: I won't speak like that. Anything that I saw that

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Speaker 1: was hurtful or damaging. I almost made a mental note

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Speaker 1: saying I don't want to be a part of that

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Speaker 1: in my life. I don't want that to be my behavior.

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Speaker 1: And then everything I saw in the movie is unfortunately.

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Speaker 1: I wrote a list going I want that, I want that.

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Speaker 1: So I was like I was getting fifty percent right

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Speaker 1: and then I was getting fifty percent wrong, And you know,

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Speaker 1: you have to let life humble you. I think that's

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Speaker 1: what's so beautiful about this whole journey is that life

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Speaker 1: shows you what reality is. And I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of us are thinking, how do I get my relationship right?

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Speaker 1: Or what did I get wrong? Or how do I

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Speaker 1: find the right person or I just met the wrong person.

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Speaker 1: And I don't think it's about right and wrong. It's

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Speaker 1: about reality, and reality is right in the middle of

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Speaker 1: right and wrong, And so if you just go what

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Speaker 1: is the reality of what I'm experiencing? What is the

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Speaker 1: reality of what's possible? Reality is a much healthier metric

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Speaker 1: than right or wrong.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think so. In addition to the media

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Speaker 2: programming in Bollywood, there's also social media and that can

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Speaker 2: also portray a certain type of love. So people nowadays

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Speaker 2: are figuring out relationships from social media or looking at

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Speaker 2: social media as kind of like the new TV. How

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Speaker 2: do you think that impacts people and their relationships And

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Speaker 2: do you have any advice for how people should sort

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Speaker 2: of navigate social media if they're looking for relationship advice

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Speaker 2: or expanders?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? Wow, what a great question, And you're right. Social

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Speaker 1: media is the updated version of wrong comes of Bollywood

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Speaker 1: movies or whatever it may have been. So there's two

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Speaker 1: sides to this. Everyone's allowed to share and show whatever

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Speaker 1: they want to share and show of their own relationship.

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Speaker 1: It's up to you to decipher and learn to create

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Speaker 1: distinctions in what's reality and what's an image that you're seeing.

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Speaker 1: And I think I like to take that responsibility on

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Speaker 1: myself because I don't think you can expect everyone in

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Speaker 1: the world to change how they communicate. And at the

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Speaker 1: same time, when you take that responsibility for yourself, now

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Speaker 1: you're in a position of strength. And if you're someone

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Speaker 1: who has real relationships and you're spending time connecting with

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Speaker 1: real people, you will know that every couple argues. You

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Speaker 1: will know that every couple goes to sleep sometimes not

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Speaker 1: talking to each other. You will know that people wake

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Speaker 1: up angry next to each other. You will know that

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Speaker 1: people wake up the day after their wedding and have

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Speaker 1: the worst argument they've ever had. You know people who

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Speaker 1: are about to get married and are fighting the day

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Speaker 1: before they get married because of all the pressure and stress.

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Speaker 1: If you have old friendships and real relationships, social media

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Speaker 1: actually doesn't get as much of a hold on your

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Speaker 1: mind as it could. Whereas I find that if we're

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Speaker 1: not investing in real friendships, in real relationships, and no

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Speaker 1: one ever tells you like I've been really fortunate. I've

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Speaker 1: always had friends that are older than me, and I

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Speaker 1: think that's been one of the biggest techniques of growth

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Speaker 1: that I've life hacked, is that I've always had friends

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Speaker 1: who were older than me. And having friends who were

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Speaker 1: older than you meant that they made mistakes before you

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Speaker 1: they were able to share their learnings with you. They

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Speaker 1: were always ahead of you in life decisions, so they

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Speaker 1: could come back and share their notes. And so I

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Speaker 1: had so many friends who would say to me, HEYJ

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Speaker 1: like I got married for this reason, I think that

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Speaker 1: didn't work out for me, Or hey, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I think I rushed having kids. I wish I'd slowed

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Speaker 1: that down. Or you know, I wish me and my

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Speaker 1: wife had that conversation up front. We should have talked

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Speaker 1: about it then, not ten years later. And so I

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Speaker 1: was almost collecting all of these great pieces of insight,

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Speaker 1: and then I was able to use their hindsight to

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Speaker 1: help me. And so again, if you have these real

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Speaker 1: friendships and real relationships where you're vulnerable with each other

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Speaker 1: and you talk about these things, you're not using social

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Speaker 1: media as your frame of reference. You're looking at real

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Speaker 1: life human experience as your frame of reference. In the

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Speaker 1: same way as if I see a picture of Bali

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Speaker 1: on Instagram, or I talk to my friend who just

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Speaker 1: went to Bali, who's going to give me a better

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Speaker 1: insight on what that experience was actually like? And I

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Speaker 1: think if you have a friend who just went to Barali,

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Speaker 1: that's who you'd go to. And that's why I think

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Speaker 1: our relationships, our depth of connection, our vulnerability with our

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Speaker 1: friends and the people we love, saves you from using

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Speaker 1: social media as a frame of reference.

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Speaker 2: That is like the biggest facts I want to talk

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Speaker 2: about in the book, kind of moving from the dating

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Speaker 2: period to relationships and then even breakups. So in the book,

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Speaker 2: I really loved this part about solitude and solitude being

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Speaker 2: the antidote to loneliness. I'd love to talk about that

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Speaker 2: because most people will listen and they're like, those are

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Speaker 2: the same thing, so how are they doing?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it was Paul Tillick who talked about how there's

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Speaker 1: a difference between being alone and being lonely, and he

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Speaker 1: talks about how or being alone is like the strength

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Speaker 1: of being alone, but loneliness is the weakness of being alone.

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Speaker 1: And it's really interesting that in the English dictionary we

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Speaker 1: have two words for being alone, one's alone and one's solitude,

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Speaker 1: but we never use the words solitude. So we always

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Speaker 1: say I'm going to be alone tonight, right we say, oh, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm just going to stay in and be alone tonight.

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Speaker 1: Or if you were at school and lots of people

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Speaker 1: didn't come to your party, you'd always be considered less popular,

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Speaker 1: a loner, aloner exactly. If you're the person at the

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Speaker 1: lunch table who's sitting alone, you're the loner. If you

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Speaker 1: turn up to a wedding and you don't have a

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Speaker 1: plus one, it's like, oh poor you, Like when an't

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Speaker 1: you going to get married? Like when's your turn? And

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Speaker 1: of course you know. And so that's the language. We've

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Speaker 1: made being alone an enemy. We've made being lonely the enemy.

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Speaker 1: And we all know this. This is common wisdom today

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Speaker 1: that we can all feel surrounded by so many people

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Speaker 1: and still feel disconnected. That's what we all experience pretty

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Speaker 1: much every single day. So being alone doesn't mean Being

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Speaker 1: alone is not defined by your physical proximity to people.

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Speaker 1: Being alone is defined by how well you understand yourself

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Speaker 1: and how well others understand you. If you don't feel

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Speaker 1: understood by your friends, you will feel alone. If you

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Speaker 1: don't feel you understand yourself, you will feel lonely. So

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Speaker 1: solitude is a space you create to take the time

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Speaker 1: to get to know yourself. And I know that sounds strange.

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Speaker 1: It's like, what do you mean I need to get

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Speaker 1: to know myself? Shouldn't I just know myself, don't I

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Speaker 1: just know myself, and I equate this to something I

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Speaker 1: learned during my time as a month.

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Speaker 2: Are going to say, this is monk vibes.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it is. It is full of monk vibes, And

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Speaker 1: the book starts with that, because I do feel like

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Speaker 1: the only reason I'm able to have a healthier relationship

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Speaker 1: with Radi today is because she's the only person in

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Speaker 1: the world who's experienced me after living three years as

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Speaker 1: a monk. So she's the only person I've been with

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Speaker 1: after that experience, and anything that I'm trying to get

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Speaker 1: right in my current relationship comes from what I learned

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Speaker 1: during that time. And so there's this beautiful experience that

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Speaker 1: I had where on my first day when I became

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Speaker 1: a monk or monks school, I see a ten or

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Speaker 1: eleven year old teaching like six year olds how to

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Speaker 1: meditate or they're doing a class, and I'm wondering what's

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Speaker 1: going on, and so I'm, you know, peaking and trying

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Speaker 1: to figure it out. And then I go up to

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Speaker 1: the teacher who's you know, ten eleven years old afterwards

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, what did you just teach them? And

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Speaker 1: he said, oh, that's their first day of school, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, amazing, what did you teach them? And

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Speaker 1: he said, well, what did you learn on your fast

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Speaker 1: they of school? And I was like, ABC's and one, two, three, maybe,

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Speaker 1: like maybe I don't I can't even remember. And he said, well,

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Speaker 1: I was teaching them how to breathe. And I was like,

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Speaker 1: what do you mean, You're teaching them how to breathe,

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Speaker 1: like we just breathe, and he said, well, think about it.

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Speaker 1: He said, the only thing that stays with you from

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Speaker 1: the moment you're born to the moment you die is

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Speaker 1: your breath. He goes, when you're happy, what changes your breath?

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Speaker 1: When you're sad, what changes your breath? When you're ecstatic?

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Speaker 1: What changes your breath when you're nervous? What changes your breath?

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Speaker 1: He goes. Your breath is interconnected to every emotion in life.

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Speaker 1: So when you learn to navigate your breath, you learn

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Speaker 1: to navigate life. And I was just thinking that just

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Speaker 1: blew my mind at the time, and it still does

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Speaker 1: today and even now I think about how every emotion

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Speaker 1: we say, well that's breath taking. You just took my

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Speaker 1: breath away, Like everything is related to the breath. So similarly,

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Speaker 1: everything is related to the self. So just as simple

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Speaker 1: as it sounds, of like you should learn how to breathe.

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Speaker 1: That's how I feel when I say you should spend

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Speaker 1: time alone. It sounds really basic and obvious, but there

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Speaker 1: is a whole wisdom behind it. And the reason I

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Speaker 1: say it is because when you get into a relationship

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Speaker 1: and you don't know yourself, what ends up happening is

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Speaker 1: ten years later you blame that person for taking away

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Speaker 1: who you were. You argue with them three months later

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Speaker 1: and saying you made me lose who I was. But

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Speaker 1: you never lost who you were because you didn't know

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Speaker 1: who you were in the first place. So you adopted

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Speaker 1: all of their behaviors, all of their beliefs. You accepted

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Speaker 1: whatever love they gave you, and then started to discover

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Speaker 1: that it didn't live up. So you could save yourself

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Speaker 1: from so much pain and so much suffering if you

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Speaker 1: started out knowing what love meant to you, how love

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Speaker 1: felt to you, what love looked like to you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think so, I guess even going on that, like,

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Speaker 2: how can people really think about that? Because I've thought

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Speaker 2: about this a lot, where I don't know how much

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Speaker 2: people really understand what true love is like, unconditional love

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Speaker 2: is so rare, and I'm even someone that I just

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Speaker 2: did a darkness retreat last week and.

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Speaker 1: Oh so cool.

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Speaker 2: It was so cool, very psychological, but in it I

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Speaker 2: was like, do I know unconditional love like the love

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Speaker 2: of the Creator. Yes, but still sometimes feels conditional. So

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Speaker 2: how can people really figure out what love is for

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Speaker 2: them and how love feels?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I break it down into three key areas and

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Speaker 1: my and I recommend everyone defines love. I think what

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Speaker 1: was beautiful about ancient traditions And when you look at

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Speaker 1: the word, we only use one word to describe love, love,

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Speaker 1: And what's fascinating about that word is someone could say

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Speaker 1: I love you and it means they want to spend

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Speaker 1: their life with you. And someone could say I love

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Speaker 1: you and it means I want to spend one night

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Speaker 1: with you. Like literally, it can be that extremely different.

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Speaker 1: And so the chat is when someone says I love you,

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Speaker 1: you don't stop to ask them, Hey, well, what do

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Speaker 1: you mean? Do you mean tonight? Do you mean today?

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Speaker 2: You mean for the first time?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what do you mean? J told

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Speaker 1: me to ask you what you mean, and we don't

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Speaker 1: do that. And I'm not asking you to do that

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Speaker 1: in that moment. But it is interesting that when someone

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Speaker 1: says I love you, you accept their words, but you're

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Speaker 1: really accepting your meaning of love. Right If someone says

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Speaker 1: I love you, you're actually saying, oh, I think they mean

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Speaker 1: what I mean by love, and now they love me,

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Speaker 1: and then you say I love you back, which means

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Speaker 1: you're projecting your definition onto them and you never had

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Speaker 1: a conversation about what it meant. So for me, I've

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Speaker 1: defined love and I share this in the book, and

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Speaker 1: I share exercises in eight Rules of Love of how

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Speaker 1: to answer each section. I define love with three key areas.

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Speaker 1: One is you like their personality. It's the most obvious

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Speaker 1: basic form of love. Is that I enjoy their company,

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Speaker 1: I enjoy being around them. I genuinely appreciate spending time

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Speaker 1: with them. I maybe admire some qualities that they have

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Speaker 1: now that you could feel for a lot of people.

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Speaker 1: So that in itself is not love. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's the challenge. Christ that the challenge we have is

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Speaker 1: that we see attraction as love, or we accept validation

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00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:29,440
Speaker 1: as love, so we're almost taking payments in attention pretending

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Speaker 1: that it's love. Does that make sense? Yeah, And so

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00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,280
Speaker 1: the receipt doesn't says love. The receipt says attention. But

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00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:36,919
Speaker 1: we got paid as if we were like, oh no, no,

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Speaker 1: But that person loves me because they give me attention,

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00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:43,000
Speaker 1: they give me validation, they complemented controlled.

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Speaker 2: It's like they're doing everything I want exactly.

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Speaker 1: I love that answer.

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Speaker 2: Only when they're like doing everything I want, saying what

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Speaker 2: I want, do I love them.

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00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:54,120
Speaker 1: Yeah or yeah or ownership? They take care of everything.

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Speaker 1: I don't have to think about anything. I accept that

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Speaker 1: as love. And so that in a of itself is

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Speaker 1: not enough, but it is a pillar. And I think

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Speaker 1: what happens is christa is that we want to accelerate

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Speaker 1: attraction or liking someone into love so fast that we

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Speaker 1: don't want to do the unsexy, uncool, uninteresting work of

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Speaker 1: actually falling in love with someone or building love with someone.

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Speaker 1: The second part of my definition is that you respect

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Speaker 1: their values. Now this I'll go deeper, because everyone always

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Speaker 1: hes about respect. What I mean by respecting their values

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Speaker 1: is you don't want to change them. You actually respect

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Speaker 1: why they live their life the way they do and

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Speaker 1: how they live the life the way they do. You're

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00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:46,440
Speaker 1: not trying to change or transform what they care about.

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00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,399
Speaker 1: You love what they care about because you see it

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00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,359
Speaker 1: brings them joy. In mind of my wife's relationship, it

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Speaker 1: took me a while to understand. So my wife's number

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Speaker 1: one priority is her family. Family is her biggest value.

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Speaker 1: And you've interviewed her, and you know, you guys know

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Speaker 1: each other, and my value is my purpose. Like it's

433
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:09,000
Speaker 1: very clearly, my purpose, very clear, and I've always known that.

434
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:10,600
Speaker 1: My wife's known that from day one, and I've known

435
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,879
Speaker 1: hers from day one, so it helps. But my wife

436
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:17,160
Speaker 1: has never tried to make my number one value family,

437
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:20,240
Speaker 1: and I've never tried to make her number one value purpose.

438
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:23,240
Speaker 1: It just won't work. Her family is her purpose, that's

439
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:24,879
Speaker 1: how she would see it, and I would see my

440
00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:28,119
Speaker 1: work is my purpose. And so the point is that

441
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,040
Speaker 1: you have to respect each other's value in order to

442
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:35,040
Speaker 1: truly have love. And I find most people like someone's

443
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,600
Speaker 1: personality and they don't respect their value, so they're trying

444
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,600
Speaker 1: to change their values. They're like, I want your value

445
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,000
Speaker 1: to be me, I want your value to be my family.

446
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,159
Speaker 1: I want your value to be travel, I want your

447
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,160
Speaker 1: value to be this. Like you're trying to control someone's values,

448
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,719
Speaker 1: not love and then the third and final step of

449
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:51,560
Speaker 1: my definition of love that I share in the book

450
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:57,240
Speaker 1: is wanting to help someone towards their goals. Wanting to

451
00:23:57,359 --> 00:24:00,600
Speaker 1: support someone towards their goals. That is real love. Like

452
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,679
Speaker 1: I may like a lot of people, I may respect

453
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,560
Speaker 1: what they value, but there's very few people in the

454
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,159
Speaker 1: world that I'm going to say, I'm going to stand

455
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,320
Speaker 1: with you and I'm going to make sure you get

456
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,199
Speaker 1: to where you want to go, whatever that may be.

457
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:15,399
Speaker 1: That requires the greatest commitment to someone in saying, not

458
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,240
Speaker 1: just like a friend, like I'll help you out network

459
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:20,040
Speaker 1: and I'll connect, Not that kind of thing. I'm dedicated.

460
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:22,719
Speaker 1: My life is dedicated to helping you get to your goals,

461
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,320
Speaker 1: and I know you're going to help me back to mine.

462
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,880
Speaker 1: I still recommend everyone comes up with their own definition

463
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,680
Speaker 1: of love. I talk about in the book how the Greeks.

464
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:35,080
Speaker 1: The ancient Greeks had seven different words for love. They

465
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,880
Speaker 1: have family love, they have affection, they have passionate love.

466
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,800
Speaker 1: They define it. But today we just put it all

467
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,199
Speaker 1: into one. And so if someone pays us a compliment

468
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:45,960
Speaker 1: and they're kind, we're like, oh, they love me, They're

469
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:50,440
Speaker 1: really great, They're wonderful people and we halo effect qualities,

470
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 1: so we take one quality that someone has and we

471
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,880
Speaker 1: blow it up and go, they must be great at everything.

472
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,480
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think with love too, it's like in the

473
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,280
Speaker 2: social media world, you're like love you love think it's

474
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,000
Speaker 2: a girl thing too, or like love you love you

475
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:03,400
Speaker 2: love you, and it just kind of.

476
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,160
Speaker 1: I'm like that too.

477
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:05,720
Speaker 2: I mean, we're all it's like we do. And then

478
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,439
Speaker 2: I'm like, but I want to love everyone? But how

479
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:10,359
Speaker 2: am I saying this to my husband? And then like

480
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,919
Speaker 2: personal online? But I think it's interesting listening to what

481
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,920
Speaker 2: you were saying because you could really see how clearly

482
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,960
Speaker 2: it's or how important it is to know yourself because

483
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,359
Speaker 2: if you don't know your values, if you don't know

484
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,080
Speaker 2: your goals, you're going to get really lost within trying

485
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:25,520
Speaker 2: to find a definition. I'm curious what you think about this,

486
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,760
Speaker 2: and I don't even really have an answer. But for

487
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,680
Speaker 2: people that are dating, what do you think about the spark?

488
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,320
Speaker 2: Like do you think there needs to be a spark

489
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,480
Speaker 2: when people start or do you think there needs to

490
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:35,240
Speaker 2: be butterflies?

491
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:39,360
Speaker 1: Yeah? So I've really looked into this because I've been

492
00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:42,840
Speaker 1: fascinated by this a lot and I've also been friends

493
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,720
Speaker 1: with guys who feel the spark every week with a

494
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,199
Speaker 1: different person. So I've had a ton of guys that

495
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,320
Speaker 1: I mentored and worked with who literally would come back

496
00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:52,760
Speaker 1: to me every week every month and be like, I

497
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,679
Speaker 1: just felt the spark at the gym, you know, I

498
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,600
Speaker 1: just felt the spark at the bar. I just and

499
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,560
Speaker 1: then just find a new person to have a spark with.

500
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,000
Speaker 1: Is that similar with women?

501
00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 2: With women? Yeah, I think we romanticize things a little

502
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:06,160
Speaker 2: bit more. And I think it's interesting because I'm sure

503
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:09,440
Speaker 2: men is that physical attraction, you know, really like that testosterone,

504
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,160
Speaker 2: or maybe there's like a biological component, But I think

505
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,880
Speaker 2: for women, it's like the spark and then the story, yes,

506
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,120
Speaker 2: kind of the fantasy goes. So I think they're very

507
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,120
Speaker 2: different in the way that they go. But I don't

508
00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:21,960
Speaker 2: think women feel the spark as much as the men

509
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:22,439
Speaker 2: got it.

510
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,400
Speaker 1: Okay, Yeah, and that was my I wanted to get

511
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,400
Speaker 1: that sense because I have a similar show for every

512
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,879
Speaker 1: single one, of course, and I'm not trying to make

513
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 1: gender stereotypes either. I'm just saying from my experience of

514
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 1: speaking to people that there's been a lot of people

515
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 1: who I've met a lot of men who feel that way, yes,

516
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,359
Speaker 1: and so I was really interested. I started looking into it.

517
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:41,639
Speaker 1: What the science showed, which I do find fascinating, was

518
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,919
Speaker 1: that when you meet someone that you feel that spark

519
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:48,520
Speaker 1: with or chemistry, there is actually something chemical happening. And

520
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,640
Speaker 1: what's happening is that your excitement level is high. Ooh

521
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,440
Speaker 1: that's a new person, but your stress level is high.

522
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,200
Speaker 1: Do they like me? So you're experiencing excitement and stress

523
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,359
Speaker 1: at the same time. So like they're hot. Do they

524
00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:05,119
Speaker 1: think I'm hot? Excitement? Stress? Yes? Oh my gosh, Like

525
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:07,600
Speaker 1: are they coming over here? Excitement? Oh no, what do

526
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:11,760
Speaker 1: I say? Stress? Oh no, I have their number? So exciting?

527
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,880
Speaker 1: Oh wait, they have a message back in two hours, right,

528
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,600
Speaker 1: Like it's so you're feeling excitement and stress and what

529
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 1: ends up happening. This really really, at least blew my

530
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:23,119
Speaker 1: mind and was very fascinating for me. So you're feeling

531
00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:26,360
Speaker 1: excitement and stress. Now as you get to know that person,

532
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:30,800
Speaker 1: they give you a sense of comfort. So what happens

533
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:35,680
Speaker 1: is the stress decreases. Now you don't get that same

534
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:40,080
Speaker 1: spark anymore because your stress levels have gone down around them,

535
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 1: because they actually help calm you down. Because you have

536
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,600
Speaker 1: a relationship now and then we think the spark just

537
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,600
Speaker 1: went away, but actually the stress just went away. So

538
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,160
Speaker 1: I just want you to think about that for a second.

539
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,399
Speaker 1: Anytime you have thought the spark went away, it didn't.

540
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:58,720
Speaker 1: The stress went away of meeting someone new. And actually,

541
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,919
Speaker 1: if your stress has gone away, answers are that person's

542
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:04,080
Speaker 1: good for you because they've helped calm you down because

543
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:07,080
Speaker 1: now you feel safe around them. When you're first attracted

544
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,159
Speaker 1: to someone and you don't know whether they like you,

545
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:12,040
Speaker 1: you feel unsafe. Right everyone knows what it feels like

546
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,119
Speaker 1: to go out on a limb and text someone and

547
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:16,480
Speaker 1: wait a day to have it back. You feel unsafe,

548
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:20,359
Speaker 1: but that feels exciting, whereas now two months later you

549
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:22,880
Speaker 1: feel safe with them. You lost the excitement. So it's

550
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 1: not about whether you feel a spark or you don't

551
00:28:25,119 --> 00:28:28,240
Speaker 1: feel a spark. Whether you feel a spark or you don't,

552
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 1: it has to be followed up with skills in a relationship,

553
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:33,840
Speaker 1: and I think that's where people go wrong. People think,

554
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:36,359
Speaker 1: if we have the spark, we don't need anything else.

555
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,280
Speaker 1: And if I don't have the spark, it doesn't matter

556
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,840
Speaker 1: how many skills this person has. This can't work, and

557
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:46,600
Speaker 1: I think it's both. I think there's a need for chemistry,

558
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:52,560
Speaker 1: compatibility and connection, and often we just take chemistry and

559
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:58,080
Speaker 1: hope that that's gonna last, and chemically that's not gonna last. Yeah,

560
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:00,400
Speaker 1: and therefore from a feeling point of view, it won't asked.

561
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,120
Speaker 1: And so I think the more we focus on compatibility

562
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: and connection, the healthier a relationship can be. Now, if

563
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:09,600
Speaker 1: someone just says all I want to feel is sparks,

564
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 1: then great. You should move from lots of three month

565
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 1: relationships consistently and that will fulfill you. But if you're

566
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 1: someone who's saying I want a long term relationship, please

567
00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 1: focus on the skills and the tools, because that's what's

568
00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:26,920
Speaker 1: really needed. It's almost like the difference between saying I'm

569
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:31,200
Speaker 1: really attracted to this apartment versus I'm attracted to it,

570
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:34,680
Speaker 1: but I can also vision where this could go, right, Like,

571
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:36,880
Speaker 1: I have a vision for how this could be.

572
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,920
Speaker 2: Yes. On the flip side of that, do you think

573
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,000
Speaker 2: that people should marry their best friend?

574
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:45,000
Speaker 1: Ooh, that's a good question. I've never been asked that before.

575
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:52,440
Speaker 1: I don't think you can just marry your best friend category. Yeah,

576
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 1: I mean, just being straight up like, I don't think

577
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:59,280
Speaker 1: that that's again a good enough reason, because being friends

578
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:02,160
Speaker 1: and being in love are two very different things, just

579
00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,560
Speaker 1: like being friends and being in business are two very

580
00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:08,800
Speaker 1: different things. When you add the energy of money or

581
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:13,720
Speaker 1: you add the energy of love, there's different expectations, there's

582
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:16,560
Speaker 1: different commitments. If you don't talk to your friend for

583
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:18,280
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks and you catch up, you feel

584
00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:21,120
Speaker 1: like you had the best conversation ever. In a relationship,

585
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:26,080
Speaker 1: your partner may need more attention than that. In your friendship,

586
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:30,200
Speaker 1: you may be more forgiving because at the end of

587
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:31,560
Speaker 1: the day, you don't have to wake up next to

588
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:34,560
Speaker 1: that person every single day and sleeping next to them

589
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:36,560
Speaker 1: every night. When you're in a relationship, you're seeing that

590
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:39,600
Speaker 1: person all the time. It's different expectations. So again, I

591
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,880
Speaker 1: think what we like to do is simplify and go, Okay, well,

592
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:43,520
Speaker 1: if we got this part of our life right, we

593
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:45,360
Speaker 1: can get this part of our life right. And it

594
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:48,719
Speaker 1: doesn't work that way because you're always infusing a new

595
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:53,040
Speaker 1: energy when you add an element to your relationship, and

596
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 1: it truly appris in business, it truly applies in love.

597
00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:59,520
Speaker 1: And I think a friendship can be a beautiful foundation

598
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:04,280
Speaker 1: for a great relationship. But I think assuming that it

599
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:08,720
Speaker 1: already is is where we go wrong. Does that satisfy

600
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:10,600
Speaker 1: you or do you want to dig into that? No?

601
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:12,920
Speaker 2: I agree with you, It's like, yeah, it's again I

602
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:15,480
Speaker 2: think thinking about how do people define it, because for

603
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 2: some people they might define best friends as you know,

604
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,320
Speaker 2: it might be something where they want the comfort of

605
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:25,360
Speaker 2: that and they actually don't want that sparky chemistry part.

606
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:28,240
Speaker 2: So thinking about how people define it. But I'm not

607
00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:32,080
Speaker 2: exactly you know sure. The truth I was thinking about

608
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:34,880
Speaker 2: this before, and I think it's something that a lot

609
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:36,959
Speaker 2: of people in my life have been experiencing, is like

610
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:40,120
Speaker 2: the growing apart of being in a long term relationship

611
00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:44,520
Speaker 2: and two people that come together at a different period

612
00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:46,560
Speaker 2: in time in their life and then they find themselves

613
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:48,920
Speaker 2: after however many years, being like what the heck like,

614
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 2: we're so we've grown apart, and there's like a beauty

615
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 2: in that, and then there's also can be really scary

616
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:56,240
Speaker 2: because you're like, Okay, what are we going to do?

617
00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:58,080
Speaker 2: Are we going to choose to grow together? So I'd

618
00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 2: love to talk a little bit about growing apart versus

619
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:01,120
Speaker 2: growing together.

620
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:03,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have a whole section in the book called

621
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,520
Speaker 1: you Know, almost like you have to make that choice

622
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:13,720
Speaker 1: to either elevate or separate. And I think that couples

623
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:16,280
Speaker 1: that want to last the test of time. And first, actually,

624
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,480
Speaker 1: let's take it back a little bit. First of all,

625
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:23,120
Speaker 1: I don't think length of time should be used as

626
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:26,000
Speaker 1: a metric of success of a relationship. I think that's

627
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,840
Speaker 1: a really unhealthy way often of gauging the success of

628
00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:34,520
Speaker 1: a relationship. I knew someone who was married for like

629
00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:38,000
Speaker 1: fourteen years, and then when they got divorced, everyone was

630
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,120
Speaker 1: so shocked, But anyone who knew them closely knew that

631
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:44,600
Speaker 1: they were struggling for ten years already, and so really

632
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:46,760
Speaker 1: it was a four year relationship, ten years of pain.

633
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 1: And then there was a divorce followed by that, and

634
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:50,640
Speaker 1: so I was like, oh my god, they were together

635
00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:53,000
Speaker 1: for fourteen years. I never thought that would happen to them.

636
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,000
Speaker 1: It's like, well, no, it wasn't fourteen years. It's four

637
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:57,560
Speaker 1: years and ten years of pain. And so I think

638
00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:59,960
Speaker 1: we have to start looking at how long was an

639
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:03,400
Speaker 1: actual relationship and a connection versus how long is a

640
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:09,360
Speaker 1: marriage or a partnership, which are often wildly different. Now,

641
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 1: if someone does want a long term relationship with someone.

642
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:16,840
Speaker 1: If that is your definition of love and success in

643
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:21,480
Speaker 1: a relationship, you're going to have to grow together multiple times.

644
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:26,160
Speaker 1: And here's the hardest part. You always grow at different times.

645
00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 1: So everyone grows at a different time, at a different

646
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:34,240
Speaker 1: pace in their own way, and it rarely happens that

647
00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 1: you're growing at the same time, at the same pace,

648
00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:39,360
Speaker 1: in the same way. So now you've got one of

649
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:42,560
Speaker 1: your partners going off on their journey. So I'm someone

650
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:46,520
Speaker 1: who you know, was very aware about my passion, my purpose,

651
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,600
Speaker 1: what I wanted to do in the world. And when

652
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:52,520
Speaker 1: I met rather, she was extremely talented. She's always been

653
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:56,960
Speaker 1: extremely gifted, but she didn't necessarily know what her purpose

654
00:33:57,200 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 1: was or her passion was. And so it's really interesting

655
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:06,200
Speaker 1: for me watching her in that discovery, and that requires

656
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:11,320
Speaker 1: patience on my part, It requires support, and it requires

657
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:14,440
Speaker 1: openness because she has to find her own path. Now

658
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 1: she's had to do the same with me. When she

659
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 1: met me, she was already healthy, she ate well, she

660
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,840
Speaker 1: worked out, she puts in the hours. I was like

661
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:26,880
Speaker 1: staying up late to work. I was, yeah, I was

662
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:29,800
Speaker 1: staying up late to work. I was. I love eating

663
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:33,320
Speaker 1: fried food, I love like sugar I was addicted to

664
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,080
Speaker 1: sugar when I met her, and so it's like I

665
00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 1: was also learning in a different part of my life.

666
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:40,040
Speaker 1: Just because I figured out my purpose and my mindset

667
00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:41,640
Speaker 1: doesn't mean I figured out everything in life. And so

668
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:44,120
Speaker 1: she had to be patient with me. So Riley, He's

669
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:46,160
Speaker 1: given me so many insights on how to improve my

670
00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:49,719
Speaker 1: health and how to have better like work, hygiene, and

671
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,640
Speaker 1: so many other things that I've gained from her. And

672
00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:56,440
Speaker 1: I think that the challenge that most people have is ego.

673
00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:00,600
Speaker 1: We don't want to learn from our partners because it

674
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,560
Speaker 1: almost makes us feel weak, and it puts them in

675
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:08,160
Speaker 1: a position of superiority, not realizing that when you can trade.

676
00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:10,799
Speaker 1: And I have a whole section in this book, a

677
00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 1: chapter called your Partner is Your Guru, and it's this

678
00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:17,120
Speaker 1: idea of if you really love someone, chances are they

679
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:20,160
Speaker 1: have something to teach you, and if they can teach

680
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:25,080
Speaker 1: you in a way that isn't preachy, isn't projecting, and

681
00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:28,560
Speaker 1: isn't critical. And if we can be that for our partners,

682
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:32,480
Speaker 1: you can grow together endlessly. Now if you feel you've

683
00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:35,360
Speaker 1: grown together, you've learned everything you possibly can from your partner.

684
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:38,719
Speaker 1: Now there's no more learning to do. It's wonderful to

685
00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 1: grow apart, but that should also be celebrated as a success.

686
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,960
Speaker 1: I think we often use words like divorce ended, like

687
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:50,480
Speaker 1: these words are so aggressive, split exactly, yeah, yeah, it

688
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:54,680
Speaker 1: was over forever likely. You know, these words are so aggressive,

689
00:35:55,400 --> 00:36:00,719
Speaker 1: and they put this paint this picture of animosity of

690
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:05,359
Speaker 1: you know, of enemy kind of feeling, not realizing that

691
00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:08,880
Speaker 1: someone could have a really healthy as the as the

692
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,000
Speaker 1: you know, the famous book like a Conscious uncoupling, Like

693
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:15,319
Speaker 1: the idea of uncoupling is so much more of a

694
00:36:15,360 --> 00:36:19,480
Speaker 1: healthier idea for people, And I think that's the language

695
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:21,759
Speaker 1: we need to trade that. Yes, you could have a

696
00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 1: wonderful relationship and you could have a wonderful afterlife from

697
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:29,280
Speaker 1: that relationship if you both wanted that, And that doesn't

698
00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:32,719
Speaker 1: mean the relationship failed. It did its part. It's like

699
00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:34,719
Speaker 1: you don't go to college for three years and if

700
00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:36,720
Speaker 1: you don't become a professor, it's like, no, you failed,

701
00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:39,759
Speaker 1: you failed, like you should have become a professor. No,

702
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:42,080
Speaker 1: you did. It served its path. Even for me when

703
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:44,560
Speaker 1: I look at I lived as a monk. I didn't

704
00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:46,400
Speaker 1: become a monk for the rest of my life. It

705
00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:49,840
Speaker 1: served its purpose and I think relationships have to be

706
00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:52,120
Speaker 1: seen in that way of like did it serve its

707
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,840
Speaker 1: purpose and if it's done, it's done, and let's not

708
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:57,480
Speaker 1: make people feel bad about that. You know.

709
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:02,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's again the Happily ever After vibe, you know,

710
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:04,399
Speaker 2: if you're not to get and everyone's like, wow, your

711
00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:07,759
Speaker 2: parents are still together, and it's like they're miserable or

712
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,000
Speaker 2: don't talk and they're not in communication and they're not

713
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,760
Speaker 2: engaging and they're not connected. So it's like, what's the point.

714
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 2: But it was interesting, Like just watching you and Roddy,

715
00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:19,440
Speaker 2: it's so beautiful because it's like when you're talking to

716
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:21,880
Speaker 2: one another, you are listening to each other as if

717
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,719
Speaker 2: you are the guru. There's an openness to being taught

718
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,480
Speaker 2: by each other that I feel like sometimes can get

719
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:29,680
Speaker 2: lost in relationships. And I don't know if it's because

720
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:33,480
Speaker 2: there is a point and the book is it could

721
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:35,919
Speaker 2: be conscious loving by Gay Hendrix, or it could be

722
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:38,279
Speaker 2: getting the love you want, but it talks about how

723
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:41,160
Speaker 2: you sort of make the person your parents and then

724
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:42,960
Speaker 2: you kind of project all the pain. So I'm wondering

725
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:44,960
Speaker 2: if that's what happens with folks where they they are

726
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:46,640
Speaker 2: making the person their parent, and then when you're telling

727
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:50,040
Speaker 2: them what to do, you're like no, mom, yeah yeah yeah.

728
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 1: So in this book I talk about how there are

729
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:57,080
Speaker 1: different relationship roles and we all slot into one of these,

730
00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:59,200
Speaker 1: and I have a test in the book that helps

731
00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:01,080
Speaker 1: guide you to figure out what you are and what

732
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 1: your partner is. And so these are the three roles.

733
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:06,520
Speaker 1: Everyone who's listening, you can figure out which one you're

734
00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:08,800
Speaker 1: in and if and when you get the book, you

735
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,600
Speaker 1: can do the test to make sure of it. So

736
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 1: the first is fixer, the second is dependent, and the

737
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:19,239
Speaker 1: third is supporter. So some of us are fixers. We

738
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:22,400
Speaker 1: get our value in a relationship by trying to fix

739
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:25,200
Speaker 1: the other person's problems. If the person we see them

740
00:38:25,239 --> 00:38:27,560
Speaker 1: as broken and we think we can fix them, and

741
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:30,440
Speaker 1: that makes us feel good. So we like to find projects.

742
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:33,799
Speaker 1: We like to find people who need help and we

743
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:36,560
Speaker 1: go and make a relationship with them because we want

744
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:39,680
Speaker 1: to feel really powerful and strong that we help them.

745
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:41,839
Speaker 1: What ends up happening is that a few years down

746
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:45,319
Speaker 1: the line, we get exhausted and then we go, oh,

747
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:47,920
Speaker 1: stop acting like a kid. You just you don't do anything.

748
00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:50,280
Speaker 1: You're not really involved, you're not engaged, but we set

749
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,680
Speaker 1: them up to be that way because that's what we

750
00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:55,719
Speaker 1: wanted in the beginning. The second is the dependent. The

751
00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:58,279
Speaker 1: dependent is someone who wants to be the child. They

752
00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:01,239
Speaker 1: walk into relationship looking for mom and dad. They want

753
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:04,000
Speaker 1: the other person to fix everything. They want to find

754
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:05,920
Speaker 1: someone who's going to take care of all their needs,

755
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:10,040
Speaker 1: provide for everything they need, take care of them mentally, emotionally,

756
00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:13,480
Speaker 1: maybe even financially. And we go therein like a little kid.

757
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:17,439
Speaker 1: What ends up happening? You drain the other person that

758
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:20,800
Speaker 1: doesn't end so well. And the third one is the supporter.

759
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:27,799
Speaker 1: The supporter goes real love and real support is I'm

760
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:32,040
Speaker 1: going to help you develop the skills you need to

761
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 1: take care of yourself. I'm not going to take care

762
00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 1: of you. What is care? Is care me saying to

763
00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:41,520
Speaker 1: you I'm going to take care of you? Or is

764
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:44,440
Speaker 1: real care? I'm going to help you learn the skills

765
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:48,359
Speaker 1: to take care of yourself. That's real love, that's real care.

766
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,000
Speaker 1: Like I believe in you so much that I want

767
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:53,439
Speaker 1: you to have the tools and skills, and I'm gonna

768
00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:55,719
Speaker 1: help you. I'm gonna guide you, I'm gonna introduce you

769
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:58,960
Speaker 1: to things, whatever you need so that you feel safe

770
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:03,200
Speaker 1: whether I'm here or not. That's love. One day I

771
00:40:03,239 --> 00:40:05,879
Speaker 1: may die before you. If you only feel safe when

772
00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:09,040
Speaker 1: I'm alive next to you, that's not love. Love is

773
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:12,360
Speaker 1: I'm going to protect you by helping you protect yourself.

774
00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:15,399
Speaker 1: That's safety. Don't we want that for our kids? Don't

775
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 1: we want that for our partners? Like if my kid.

776
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:19,680
Speaker 1: I don't have any kids, but if I had kids,

777
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 1: and if they only felt safe when I was in

778
00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 1: the room, that wouldn't be a win, that would be

779
00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:26,879
Speaker 1: a loss because you can't always be in the room.

780
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:28,640
Speaker 1: So I think we do that with our partners. So

781
00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:32,480
Speaker 1: a supporter says, I'm here to help you develop the

782
00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:36,120
Speaker 1: skills you need to take care of yourself, and I'm

783
00:40:36,239 --> 00:40:38,279
Speaker 1: ready to develop the skills. I need whatever you need

784
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:40,759
Speaker 1: to teach me to take care of myself. And so

785
00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:44,239
Speaker 1: I set that up because the fix is almost like

786
00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:48,040
Speaker 1: the parent, the dependence like the child. And then the

787
00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:52,000
Speaker 1: supporter is the collaborative one, the one who recognizes that

788
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:54,120
Speaker 1: the only person who can take care of me is me,

789
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:56,040
Speaker 1: and the only person who can take care of you

790
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,200
Speaker 1: is you. And so when I help you take care

791
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:00,600
Speaker 1: of yourself and you help me take care of me myself.

792
00:41:01,239 --> 00:41:02,799
Speaker 1: That's real care, that's real love.

793
00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:07,160
Speaker 2: How can people watch when they're slipping into that, because

794
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:10,200
Speaker 2: that's kind of like people go into that unconsciously. And

795
00:41:10,239 --> 00:41:13,360
Speaker 2: I've seen in relationships with myself, I've seen in relationships

796
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:16,640
Speaker 2: with friends where you don't even realize it's happening, and

797
00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:20,680
Speaker 2: then you're like, wait, whoa, Yeah, is there a way

798
00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:24,719
Speaker 2: that we can be more conscious about that journey so

799
00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:27,600
Speaker 2: that you know, because it's an opportunity for healing. That's

800
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:29,240
Speaker 2: why we do it to bring it up for healing.

801
00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:31,480
Speaker 2: So it's important that it comes up and you could

802
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:33,759
Speaker 2: even work through it together. But how can we work

803
00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:34,520
Speaker 2: with that energy?

804
00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:36,319
Speaker 1: Yeah? So I think the first step and the reason

805
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:37,719
Speaker 1: why I put it in the book is is this

806
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:41,360
Speaker 1: level of awareness, like even knowing. So I'm a classic fixer.

807
00:41:41,719 --> 00:41:46,320
Speaker 1: I have that natural ability whenever anyone's working in coaching

808
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:49,759
Speaker 1: or it's a natural element of wanting to help people

809
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:53,440
Speaker 1: that way. So I'm a classic fixer. And for so

810
00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:59,040
Speaker 1: many years, in so many relationships, I tried to solve

811
00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:02,200
Speaker 1: all of my artner's problems. Whoever I was with, I

812
00:42:02,239 --> 00:42:04,320
Speaker 1: was just trying to fix their problems. And I wanted

813
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:07,120
Speaker 1: to be the Knight in Shining Armor, and I wanted

814
00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:10,000
Speaker 1: to be the savior and I wanted to be that person,

815
00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 1: only to realize they were never satisfied no matter how

816
00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:15,680
Speaker 1: much of a savior I was, because there was always

817
00:42:15,719 --> 00:42:19,040
Speaker 1: more saving to do, and they never really fully saw

818
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:21,200
Speaker 1: me as a Knight in Shining Armor, because now you

819
00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:23,600
Speaker 1: think you're a Knight in Shining Armor, but literally you're

820
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:26,360
Speaker 1: a person with a stretcher, right, Like it's that you

821
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:28,880
Speaker 1: want to be. You want to be this idolized version

822
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,320
Speaker 1: of a savior, but really you're just in the emergency

823
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:33,879
Speaker 1: room every day, and now there's no Knight in Shining Armor,

824
00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,319
Speaker 1: right you Just you're like a person who's bad at

825
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:39,879
Speaker 1: their job in the medical department. And so what ended

826
00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:42,239
Speaker 1: up happening was having tested it out, and I think

827
00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:45,319
Speaker 1: people can relate to that, and that's my experience. I

828
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:49,880
Speaker 1: realized that being a fixer didn't set me, the other person,

829
00:42:50,239 --> 00:42:53,319
Speaker 1: or the relationship up for success. It set us up

830
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:55,360
Speaker 1: for failure. So how do you become vigilant of it?

831
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:57,880
Speaker 1: Which is your question. The way you become vigilant of

832
00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:01,359
Speaker 1: it is when someone asks for help, what's the first

833
00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:03,879
Speaker 1: thing you say back? If your partner asks for help

834
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:05,720
Speaker 1: and you go, oh, I'll take care of that, don't worry.

835
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:08,080
Speaker 1: And we do that at the start of relationships because

836
00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:10,400
Speaker 1: we again think, oh, they're going to think I'm so

837
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:13,600
Speaker 1: nice and they're going to think I'm so likable, as

838
00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:16,839
Speaker 1: opposed to that saying. It's different if someone says, oh,

839
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:18,920
Speaker 1: can you grab some milk when when you're out and

840
00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:20,680
Speaker 1: you go, no, I'm not going to do that. You

841
00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:22,719
Speaker 1: should do like it's not that kind of thing. But

842
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:24,879
Speaker 1: like a good example is when when me and Raley

843
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:27,799
Speaker 1: first started dating, Like Rally would always ask me and this,

844
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,360
Speaker 1: this is going to annoy so many people, but I

845
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:32,160
Speaker 1: promise you it's it works. I rather would always say

846
00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:33,319
Speaker 1: to me like, how do you feel I look in this?

847
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:37,160
Speaker 1: And I will always be honest with her, But one

848
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:39,239
Speaker 1: of my favorite responses after I'd be honest with her

849
00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:41,560
Speaker 1: is how do you feel you look in this? And

850
00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:43,440
Speaker 1: shees like, no, you just tell me, like do I

851
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:45,280
Speaker 1: look at it? And I'm like, I think you look beautiful,

852
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:47,000
Speaker 1: but I want to know how you feel you look

853
00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:49,960
Speaker 1: in this. And when we'd be out picking furniture for

854
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,520
Speaker 1: our apartment or whatever it may be, we'd look at

855
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:54,000
Speaker 1: the piece of furniture and she'd be like, oh, no,

856
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:56,080
Speaker 1: you just decided No, what do you think? Like? What's

857
00:43:56,080 --> 00:43:58,160
Speaker 1: your taste? And so, what I find is that when

858
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:01,600
Speaker 1: your partner is trying to outsource something to you, you

859
00:44:01,719 --> 00:44:05,239
Speaker 1: may feel like doing it for them makes you more likable,

860
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:09,040
Speaker 1: but actually you're setting themselves and yourself up for always

861
00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:12,560
Speaker 1: having to answer that question. And when you rather say well,

862
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:14,080
Speaker 1: what are your thoughts? Like I want to know what

863
00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:15,640
Speaker 1: you really care about, I want to know what you

864
00:44:15,719 --> 00:44:18,479
Speaker 1: believe in, you actually are strengthening there in a voice.

865
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:20,600
Speaker 1: So one way to be vigilant is when you're asked

866
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:24,600
Speaker 1: for to solve a problem. First take a second on

867
00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:28,279
Speaker 1: becoming the fixer. If you're a classic dependent and you

868
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,920
Speaker 1: want someone else to solve your problems, that can be

869
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 1: a lot harder because you already don't feel you have

870
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:36,160
Speaker 1: the confidence to fix anything. So actually it can be

871
00:44:36,239 --> 00:44:39,200
Speaker 1: really hard when you feel like the dependent. The anxiety

872
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:42,120
Speaker 1: is really hard being a dependent because you want the

873
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:43,680
Speaker 1: other person to deal with it, and now if they're

874
00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:47,399
Speaker 1: not dealing with it, you don't feel strong enough. What

875
00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:51,200
Speaker 1: I'd say is that anyone who feels weak or has

876
00:44:51,239 --> 00:44:55,520
Speaker 1: that self doubt, it comes from not a lack of

877
00:44:56,080 --> 00:45:00,919
Speaker 1: belief or a lack of quality, comes from a lack

878
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:06,239
Speaker 1: of ability. And abilities can be trained and learned. And

879
00:45:06,239 --> 00:45:08,680
Speaker 1: I always say this to people. If something makes you nervous,

880
00:45:08,680 --> 00:45:12,760
Speaker 1: if something makes you unconfident, if something makes you scared,

881
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:16,800
Speaker 1: you can't just believe in yourself. And I think a

882
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:19,839
Speaker 1: lot of people talk about self belief, and really it's

883
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:24,560
Speaker 1: about self respect. And self respect comes from doing hard things.

884
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,919
Speaker 1: And so if you're dealing with something that you don't

885
00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:30,040
Speaker 1: feel you're good at, go and try and get decent

886
00:45:30,160 --> 00:45:32,879
Speaker 1: at it. Go and take a course, get a coach,

887
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,200
Speaker 1: get a mentor, go out there and read a book

888
00:45:35,239 --> 00:45:37,640
Speaker 1: about it. Listen to this podcast. Right, Like when you're

889
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:41,239
Speaker 1: searching for the answer, all of a sudden, your skill

890
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:43,799
Speaker 1: starts to develop, and now the problem starts to feel

891
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:46,880
Speaker 1: easier to solve. And so as a dependent, especially if

892
00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:49,879
Speaker 1: you're single, start solving problems yourself and guess what You're

893
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:52,880
Speaker 1: going to feel so much self respect and now your

894
00:45:52,920 --> 00:45:55,640
Speaker 1: self doubt goes away at the root. And so those

895
00:45:55,640 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 1: are two ways to be vigilant. And there's plenty more

896
00:45:57,600 --> 00:45:58,320
Speaker 1: that I explained.

897
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:01,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love those examples. So I was talking to

898
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:05,120
Speaker 2: our community before you came. And this is something that

899
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:08,440
Speaker 2: comes up quite a bit with women, and I think

900
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,759
Speaker 2: a lot of our community are people that identify as

901
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:15,080
Speaker 2: women and they're finding that in the dating world or

902
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:19,760
Speaker 2: out in their relationships that they're growing, you know, perceived

903
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:22,279
Speaker 2: to be growing more than their male partner, and that

904
00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:26,360
Speaker 2: there's a discrepancy between the growth rates. And I'm curious

905
00:46:26,400 --> 00:46:30,480
Speaker 2: about how much you're seeing that trend where women are

906
00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:33,719
Speaker 2: deeply interested in personal growth, self development, all of these things.

907
00:46:33,719 --> 00:46:35,439
Speaker 2: And there, for me, is a part of that that's

908
00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:39,120
Speaker 2: self hate led and actually not self love. But then

909
00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:40,839
Speaker 2: there is that moment where they're doing a lot more

910
00:46:40,920 --> 00:46:43,279
Speaker 2: work personally than the men. Are you seeing that as

911
00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:45,480
Speaker 2: a trend? And what would you suggest?

912
00:46:45,680 --> 00:46:48,719
Speaker 1: And I love the distinction you just made about the

913
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:52,440
Speaker 1: reason we work on ourselves too, Like it's almost like

914
00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:55,719
Speaker 1: and again, I know we're both not making broad generalizations.

915
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:59,440
Speaker 1: We're trying to based on what we've experienced. If society

916
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:04,000
Speaker 1: is set up up women to doubt themselves, society has

917
00:47:04,000 --> 00:47:08,080
Speaker 1: set up men to pretend they're strong, and they're both

918
00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:12,719
Speaker 1: opposite sides of the same coin. So men feel they

919
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:16,120
Speaker 1: have to be the protector the savior, the provider.

920
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:17,080
Speaker 2: To have the answers, to have.

921
00:47:17,080 --> 00:47:20,320
Speaker 1: The answers, and so they're trying so hard to present

922
00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:23,880
Speaker 1: that facade that they don't want to be vulnerable and

923
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:25,759
Speaker 1: they don't want to do the work because if you

924
00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:27,439
Speaker 1: have to show you have to do work, that means

925
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:31,640
Speaker 1: you're not done. And they're scared that if I show

926
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:34,200
Speaker 1: a woman I need to do work, then maybe she

927
00:47:34,239 --> 00:47:37,359
Speaker 1: won't respect me and love me, because isn't that what

928
00:47:37,520 --> 00:47:41,800
Speaker 1: they want? And regardless of gender, whatever you identify as,

929
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:45,040
Speaker 1: I think we all feel this about anyone. You may

930
00:47:45,040 --> 00:47:46,880
Speaker 1: be with someone and think they're with me. It's a

931
00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:49,920
Speaker 1: corporate example, but it's true. I was working with a

932
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:53,640
Speaker 1: CEO recently, CEO of an extremely successful company, you know,

933
00:47:54,320 --> 00:47:57,839
Speaker 1: very highly regarded, achieve so much in the world, and

934
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:00,919
Speaker 1: I've been working with him on his mental health and

935
00:48:01,560 --> 00:48:04,680
Speaker 1: we're seeing a lot of progress. So I said to him,

936
00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:07,799
Speaker 1: at your next off site, I said to him, I

937
00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:10,799
Speaker 1: want you to tell your team the journey you've been

938
00:48:10,840 --> 00:48:14,040
Speaker 1: on with your mental health. That's all I want you

939
00:48:14,080 --> 00:48:17,040
Speaker 1: to do. Just share with them this journey that we've

940
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:21,160
Speaker 1: been on together, just with your direct team, not the

941
00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:24,120
Speaker 1: whole company or some press article, just the people who

942
00:48:24,120 --> 00:48:28,080
Speaker 1: work with daily, your c suite, the sea level. And

943
00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:29,799
Speaker 1: he said to me, he said, Jay, I don't think

944
00:48:29,800 --> 00:48:34,680
Speaker 1: I can do that. And I said why He said,

945
00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:38,399
Speaker 1: because they see me as the strong one. He said,

946
00:48:38,400 --> 00:48:40,759
Speaker 1: they see me as the powerful one. They see me

947
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:43,480
Speaker 1: as the one who has it all together. If I

948
00:48:43,600 --> 00:48:47,040
Speaker 1: tell them that, they won't see me that way. And

949
00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:51,040
Speaker 1: I said to him, I said, what's more powerful then

950
00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:55,080
Speaker 1: you sharing your truth? What's more strong or courageous than

951
00:48:55,120 --> 00:48:57,680
Speaker 1: you being honest with them about what you've been through.

952
00:48:57,760 --> 00:49:01,640
Speaker 1: Isn't that what real strength is? But the challenge is

953
00:49:01,680 --> 00:49:05,920
Speaker 1: that and so transferring that experience into relationships. A lot

954
00:49:05,920 --> 00:49:07,759
Speaker 1: of people are feeling, well, if I showed them that

955
00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:11,520
Speaker 1: I'm vulnerable, aren't they with me? Because I'm more sorted right,

956
00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:14,200
Speaker 1: And so I think that's the issue. And then of

957
00:49:14,239 --> 00:49:16,879
Speaker 1: course the other way around, it's like, oh, well, I'm

958
00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:19,439
Speaker 1: working on myself. I'm showing that I'm building myself up.

959
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:22,560
Speaker 1: But then I'm scared and my self doubt will actually

960
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:25,200
Speaker 1: push a good person away. If we have this conversation

961
00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:27,359
Speaker 1: with the genders that we're talking about, if women are

962
00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:29,719
Speaker 1: feeling oh no, but if I doubt myself too much,

963
00:49:29,760 --> 00:49:32,319
Speaker 1: he'll run away. And then he's thinking, well, if I

964
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:34,720
Speaker 1: show her that I doubt myself, then she'll run away.

965
00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:38,719
Speaker 1: And so we're at this like tension. And I think

966
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:42,520
Speaker 1: that requires That's why the tools in the book of

967
00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:47,480
Speaker 1: Like why. Actually, if both people, regardless of gender, regardless

968
00:49:47,520 --> 00:49:50,839
Speaker 1: of identification, if both people have compassion for each other,

969
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:54,680
Speaker 1: have empathy for each other, understand that this is another

970
00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:59,440
Speaker 1: imperfect human. That's where we go beyond gender and beyond

971
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:03,279
Speaker 1: expectation and beyond all of this and actually can deal

972
00:50:03,360 --> 00:50:06,439
Speaker 1: with each other. But that only comes when you've gone

973
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:10,360
Speaker 1: through your own work of when you've seen the deepest,

974
00:50:10,440 --> 00:50:15,960
Speaker 1: darkest parts of your own soul. You're comfortable when someone's

975
00:50:16,040 --> 00:50:20,960
Speaker 1: exploring theirs, but if you haven't done that, it's very

976
00:50:21,239 --> 00:50:24,719
Speaker 1: uncomfortable to watch someone else. The other thing I'd say

977
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:28,359
Speaker 1: is if you feel you're growing at a faster rate

978
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:34,120
Speaker 1: than your partner, that should result in more compassion, more empathy,

979
00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:38,640
Speaker 1: and more patience. That's actually a result of more work.

980
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:42,400
Speaker 1: The result of more work is not more judgment, more critique,

981
00:50:42,719 --> 00:50:46,120
Speaker 1: and more spotting of weaknesses. That is not and I

982
00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:50,319
Speaker 1: think that's the challenge sometimes in early spiritual circles or

983
00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:54,200
Speaker 1: early self development or personal growth. You start thinking, oh,

984
00:50:54,239 --> 00:50:57,359
Speaker 1: I can see everything clearly, and I can see all

985
00:50:57,440 --> 00:51:00,800
Speaker 1: these faults, and now we start to critique. I've worked

986
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:04,239
Speaker 1: with so many couples where men and women have come

987
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:08,759
Speaker 1: to me and said, my wife criticizes me daily. My

988
00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:12,640
Speaker 1: wife has changed my entire diet, rather has changed my

989
00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:17,160
Speaker 1: entire diet, my workout plan, and so much in my life.

990
00:51:17,560 --> 00:51:22,200
Speaker 1: And yet I've never felt criticized or judged. And that's genius,

991
00:51:22,239 --> 00:51:25,200
Speaker 1: Like it's unbelievable the level of coaching she's given me

992
00:51:25,239 --> 00:51:27,520
Speaker 1: in an area of my life that I was negligent about.

993
00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:32,040
Speaker 1: And I've never felt criticized. I've only felt encouraged. And

994
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:36,320
Speaker 1: she's always set the example because she's doing it regardless

995
00:51:36,320 --> 00:51:38,360
Speaker 1: of whether I do it or not. So it's not like, oh,

996
00:51:38,440 --> 00:51:39,960
Speaker 1: you have to do this with me, Oh look at me,

997
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:42,200
Speaker 1: Look what I'm doing. Oh look what all these other

998
00:51:42,239 --> 00:51:44,239
Speaker 1: guys are doing. Why don't you do this? Why don't

999
00:51:44,280 --> 00:51:47,759
Speaker 1: you look like this? Like how does that make anyone change? Like?

1000
00:51:48,160 --> 00:51:49,799
Speaker 1: How does it make anyone set? But that's the kind

1001
00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:51,960
Speaker 1: of stuff we say to the people we supposedly love.

1002
00:51:52,680 --> 00:51:56,360
Speaker 1: And so for me, if you genuinely believe you're growing spiritually.

1003
00:51:57,520 --> 00:52:01,360
Speaker 1: That's more compassion, more empathy, more love, more criticism, judgment

1004
00:52:01,440 --> 00:52:02,720
Speaker 1: and fault finding.

1005
00:52:03,239 --> 00:52:06,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I'll see oftentimes, where it's like I'm

1006
00:52:06,239 --> 00:52:08,440
Speaker 2: becoming more spiritual, I'm doing the work, and then the

1007
00:52:08,480 --> 00:52:12,120
Speaker 2: focus becomes everyone else is not. It's like then you

1008
00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:14,880
Speaker 2: turn everyone. You're like, and I just realize that my

1009
00:52:14,960 --> 00:52:18,240
Speaker 2: mom's a narcissist and their codependent and all these things,

1010
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:21,480
Speaker 2: and then they turn and label everyone with everything. It's

1011
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:25,000
Speaker 2: just it's kind of heartbreaking because you're like, Okay, that's again,

1012
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:27,439
Speaker 2: you know, not the point. It's kind of like part

1013
00:52:27,440 --> 00:52:27,919
Speaker 2: of the path.

1014
00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:30,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, and hey, I'm compassionate to that person too, going

1015
00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:32,480
Speaker 1: back to this whole conversation, Like, the reason why I'm

1016
00:52:32,480 --> 00:52:36,520
Speaker 1: compassionate to the person that labels is because we're doing

1017
00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:39,520
Speaker 1: that for our own security in the beginning. So when

1018
00:52:39,560 --> 00:52:42,680
Speaker 1: you can finally see and you're like, okay, and I'm

1019
00:52:42,719 --> 00:52:46,680
Speaker 1: not pointing at you for real, but yes, narcissist, like whatever.

1020
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:50,680
Speaker 1: Like when you start labeling people, really you're doing it

1021
00:52:50,760 --> 00:52:54,520
Speaker 1: to show yourself. I am learning. I know, I'm understanding.

1022
00:52:54,600 --> 00:52:57,880
Speaker 1: So I also have compassion for that because in the beginning,

1023
00:52:57,920 --> 00:53:01,320
Speaker 1: you have to protect yourself. It's like when someone first

1024
00:53:01,560 --> 00:53:04,000
Speaker 1: makes a big shift in their life, they have to

1025
00:53:04,000 --> 00:53:06,359
Speaker 1: cut other people out and they have to look at

1026
00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:08,200
Speaker 1: the difference and be very black and white because they

1027
00:53:08,200 --> 00:53:10,640
Speaker 1: don't know how to do it otherwise. Right, if they

1028
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:12,520
Speaker 1: don't cut that group of friends out, they won't be

1029
00:53:12,520 --> 00:53:14,960
Speaker 1: able to stop drinking. If they don't cut that group

1030
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:18,000
Speaker 1: of friends out, they won't be able to disconnect from

1031
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:20,760
Speaker 1: Instagram or whatever it may be. And that's an early

1032
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:22,920
Speaker 1: stage of change. So we don't want to be We

1033
00:53:22,920 --> 00:53:25,000
Speaker 1: don't want to hate on them either because we understand it.

1034
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:27,200
Speaker 1: But I think when you are that person, you want

1035
00:53:27,239 --> 00:53:30,400
Speaker 1: to be aware of it so they don't push people away.

1036
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:32,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like, how is it leading you to more separation?

1037
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:33,680
Speaker 1: Yeah?

1038
00:53:33,719 --> 00:53:35,360
Speaker 2: You know what I mean. It's like, let's be mindful

1039
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:37,440
Speaker 2: of Like what again, it's always coming back? What is

1040
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:40,560
Speaker 2: more separation? What is more separation? In the book, it

1041
00:53:40,600 --> 00:53:42,839
Speaker 2: talks a little bit about purpose too, like purpose as

1042
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:45,000
Speaker 2: it relates to love and relationship. So what is that

1043
00:53:45,040 --> 00:53:48,719
Speaker 2: correlation because I think sometimes people think about them separately.

1044
00:53:48,920 --> 00:53:51,040
Speaker 1: Yes. Yeah, Before we dive into that, I wanted to

1045
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:53,600
Speaker 1: touch on one more nuance yeah, because you've the questions

1046
00:53:53,600 --> 00:53:55,279
Speaker 1: you asn't been so great, and I'm like, I want

1047
00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:57,520
Speaker 1: to make sure that we touch on that. There's a

1048
00:53:57,600 --> 00:54:02,960
Speaker 1: nuance also of like when someone starting their journey. And

1049
00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:06,080
Speaker 1: I deeply mean this, and it took me a while

1050
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:09,760
Speaker 1: to learn this, even as a coach in this space.

1051
00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:14,600
Speaker 1: Was not everyone's going to learn from the same books

1052
00:54:14,640 --> 00:54:17,839
Speaker 1: you read, from the same podcast you listen to, and

1053
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:21,040
Speaker 1: from the same teachers and guides and coaches that you

1054
00:54:21,400 --> 00:54:24,960
Speaker 1: found your truth through. And I often say to people

1055
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:27,480
Speaker 1: I work with, one of my favorite things I get

1056
00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:29,960
Speaker 1: to do is my podcast, and I sit down with

1057
00:54:30,120 --> 00:54:32,640
Speaker 1: so many different people from so many different walks of life.

1058
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:35,360
Speaker 1: Some of them are neuroscientists, some of them are athletes,

1059
00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:37,879
Speaker 1: some of them are actors, musicians, models, some of them

1060
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:43,160
Speaker 1: are philanthropists and professors. What I'm hoping is that that

1061
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:47,719
Speaker 1: allows multiple different people to come on their journey of

1062
00:54:47,760 --> 00:54:50,480
Speaker 1: personal growth. Like I remember when I first sat down

1063
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:54,719
Speaker 1: with Ray Dahlio, who's become a dear friend at this point.

1064
00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:59,839
Speaker 1: Ray Dahlio is the founder of Bridgewater Associates, highly sought

1065
00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:02,400
Speaker 1: after in the financial world. If anyone as a partner

1066
00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:05,400
Speaker 1: or a friend who's well known in finance, Ray Dahlia

1067
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:07,839
Speaker 1: is like and I didn't even when I first met Ray,

1068
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:09,360
Speaker 1: I did not know that about him.

1069
00:55:09,680 --> 00:55:09,799
Speaker 2: Uh.

1070
00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:12,680
Speaker 1: And it was really funny because all my investment banker

1071
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:15,440
Speaker 1: friends and hedge fund manager friends after that episode they

1072
00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:17,560
Speaker 1: were like, Jay, You're so cool, like we love you now.

1073
00:55:17,840 --> 00:55:19,880
Speaker 2: I was like, whoa Kendall Jenner was like.

1074
00:55:20,840 --> 00:55:24,080
Speaker 1: But it's like for them, Ray Dahlio is like their person.

1075
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:27,239
Speaker 1: And so when they hear Ray talk about meditation and

1076
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:29,680
Speaker 1: Ray does meditate. Ray's been meditating for years and he

1077
00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:33,200
Speaker 1: credits meditation as being one of the most successful parts

1078
00:55:33,239 --> 00:55:35,760
Speaker 1: of his success, all the hedge fund managers and investment

1079
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:37,879
Speaker 1: bankers are going, oh my god, I need to meditate, right,

1080
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:40,080
Speaker 1: And they could have heard about it about meditation from

1081
00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:43,640
Speaker 1: me for like years and it didn't move them. So

1082
00:55:43,680 --> 00:55:45,759
Speaker 1: people have to hear about it through a voice that

1083
00:55:45,880 --> 00:55:49,440
Speaker 1: affects them and not my voice doesn't affect everyone, and

1084
00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:52,319
Speaker 1: that's okay, and you know it doesn't work that way.

1085
00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:55,200
Speaker 1: So I feel like when you're watching your partner not

1086
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:58,160
Speaker 1: progress on the journey, it's often because you're trying to

1087
00:55:58,160 --> 00:56:01,080
Speaker 1: get them to go on your journey not there. And

1088
00:56:01,160 --> 00:56:03,480
Speaker 1: so if you can open and broaden your mind and

1089
00:56:03,520 --> 00:56:05,839
Speaker 1: think maybe they're not going to read the same book

1090
00:56:05,880 --> 00:56:07,840
Speaker 1: as me. Maybe they need to listen to this episode

1091
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,040
Speaker 1: of this podcast. Right, So anyway, I wanted to touch

1092
00:56:10,080 --> 00:56:10,279
Speaker 1: on that.

1093
00:56:10,360 --> 00:56:12,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that because it is and again I

1094
00:56:12,200 --> 00:56:14,000
Speaker 2: said it before, but it's like I think for women,

1095
00:56:14,280 --> 00:56:16,480
Speaker 2: there's like a communal aspect to who we are and

1096
00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:18,560
Speaker 2: what we do. Even with Roddy, it's so interesting hearing

1097
00:56:18,560 --> 00:56:22,359
Speaker 2: your guys's values because it's so masculine feminine if we're

1098
00:56:22,400 --> 00:56:24,680
Speaker 2: looking at just the archetypes of the energetic yours is

1099
00:56:24,760 --> 00:56:27,640
Speaker 2: purpose focused, verus his family. But it's like for women,

1100
00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:30,200
Speaker 2: we're like, Okay, we're doing this thing. Come on, everybody,

1101
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:34,000
Speaker 2: join us, join us in this thing. But again, there's

1102
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:35,680
Speaker 2: that moment and I think a lot of women are

1103
00:56:35,680 --> 00:56:37,799
Speaker 2: going through this where it's almost like personal growth, self

1104
00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:42,520
Speaker 2: development work fatigue because we've just been inundated with so

1105
00:56:43,840 --> 00:56:47,760
Speaker 2: much of it. And I just also want to be mindful,

1106
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:51,400
Speaker 2: like how much is this personal growth work or information

1107
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:54,560
Speaker 2: supporting you and loving yourself more? Yeah, and that's the

1108
00:56:54,640 --> 00:56:56,680
Speaker 2: period of it. You know, this needs to support you

1109
00:56:56,719 --> 00:56:59,359
Speaker 2: in a depth of love for yourself and acceptance that

1110
00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:02,839
Speaker 2: goes beyond and really being concerned about what everyone else

1111
00:57:02,960 --> 00:57:05,600
Speaker 2: is doing in their world too.

1112
00:57:06,160 --> 00:57:08,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so beautiful and I kind of agree with

1113
00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:11,520
Speaker 1: you more and I deeply. I mean, I was raised

1114
00:57:11,520 --> 00:57:15,400
Speaker 1: by a mom who did everything for me, so you know,

1115
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:17,560
Speaker 1: I have a lot of I've had a lot of

1116
00:57:17,640 --> 00:57:21,280
Speaker 1: perspective on that from day one, where my mom woke

1117
00:57:21,320 --> 00:57:22,880
Speaker 1: me up, got me ready for school and for my

1118
00:57:22,920 --> 00:57:26,160
Speaker 1: sister to made us breakfast, dropped us to school, made

1119
00:57:26,240 --> 00:57:28,840
Speaker 1: us pack lunch, went off to work all day. She

1120
00:57:29,080 --> 00:57:32,520
Speaker 1: learned a new career so that she could be flexible

1121
00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:34,919
Speaker 1: for me and my sister. So she quit her full

1122
00:57:34,960 --> 00:57:38,200
Speaker 1: time job, took exams in a whole new career path

1123
00:57:38,640 --> 00:57:41,360
Speaker 1: so that she could be self employed, to set up

1124
00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:43,800
Speaker 1: her own work from home situation so that she could

1125
00:57:43,800 --> 00:57:46,200
Speaker 1: pick us up. And she didn't, you know, she never

1126
00:57:46,200 --> 00:57:48,400
Speaker 1: did exams beyond sixteen years old, Like she didn't get

1127
00:57:48,440 --> 00:57:50,440
Speaker 1: to go to college or anything like that. But she

1128
00:57:50,480 --> 00:57:53,320
Speaker 1: did all of that just for us. And then she'd

1129
00:57:53,320 --> 00:57:55,520
Speaker 1: pick us up from school, make dinner for us, help

1130
00:57:55,600 --> 00:57:57,480
Speaker 1: us with our homework, and then we'd go to bed.

1131
00:57:57,520 --> 00:58:01,200
Speaker 1: And so I saw, I saw like and at the

1132
00:58:01,240 --> 00:58:04,880
Speaker 1: same time I saw someone who you know, didn't have

1133
00:58:05,040 --> 00:58:07,280
Speaker 1: enough time to love herself or didn't have enough time

1134
00:58:07,320 --> 00:58:10,840
Speaker 1: to do things for herself. And and that pains me

1135
00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:13,160
Speaker 1: now looking back, because obviously as an eight year old,

1136
00:58:13,160 --> 00:58:16,760
Speaker 1: as a twelve year old, there's very little understanding you

1137
00:58:16,800 --> 00:58:17,920
Speaker 1: have of the full picture of.

1138
00:58:17,920 --> 00:58:19,280
Speaker 2: What mom, what's your self care?

1139
00:58:19,520 --> 00:58:22,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, I wish, I wish, I wish, and I

1140
00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:24,000
Speaker 1: do it now as much as I can, of course,

1141
00:58:24,520 --> 00:58:26,000
Speaker 1: but at that time I didn't have that. And I

1142
00:58:26,040 --> 00:58:27,760
Speaker 1: look at that and I'm like, Wow, my mom gave

1143
00:58:28,040 --> 00:58:30,560
Speaker 1: everything for me and my sister to be, to be

1144
00:58:30,640 --> 00:58:34,439
Speaker 1: set up, and I know that I'm fueled by that love.

1145
00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:36,080
Speaker 1: And I know that the love I try to give

1146
00:58:36,080 --> 00:58:37,880
Speaker 1: out in the world is my mom's love that she

1147
00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:41,360
Speaker 1: filled me up with. Like you know the book, she's

1148
00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:44,480
Speaker 1: one third of the dedication of this book because she

1149
00:58:44,720 --> 00:58:49,800
Speaker 1: literally taught me how to love endlessly. And so when

1150
00:58:49,840 --> 00:58:52,320
Speaker 1: I look at the pressure that she had and the

1151
00:58:52,320 --> 00:58:55,600
Speaker 1: fact that she never made time for herself and she

1152
00:58:55,640 --> 00:58:59,680
Speaker 1: did set me up, I really feel that. And we'll

1153
00:58:59,720 --> 00:59:01,640
Speaker 1: go back to your purpose question afterwards, and it's kind

1154
00:59:01,640 --> 00:59:06,160
Speaker 1: of linked to this, but I do feel that the

1155
00:59:06,280 --> 00:59:10,480
Speaker 1: point of all of this work is to lead you

1156
00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:15,800
Speaker 1: to being happier, healthier, and more healed. And the path

1157
00:59:15,880 --> 00:59:20,360
Speaker 1: to being happier, healthier, and more healed is not beautiful

1158
00:59:20,960 --> 00:59:27,560
Speaker 1: in the external sense. It's difficult. And so just because

1159
00:59:27,560 --> 00:59:30,680
Speaker 1: your life looks tough or difficult, it doesn't mean you're

1160
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:33,840
Speaker 1: on the wrong path. Chances are you're on the right path.

1161
00:59:34,520 --> 00:59:36,600
Speaker 1: But I think what you brought up, Crystal, which I love,

1162
00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:41,880
Speaker 1: is that there's a spirit of self love that kind

1163
00:59:41,880 --> 00:59:46,360
Speaker 1: of underpins all of it, and really that comes from

1164
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:55,040
Speaker 1: self forgiveness and grace, and that is a cultivation in

1165
00:59:55,040 --> 00:59:57,120
Speaker 1: and of itself. And so actually, what I would say,

1166
00:59:57,120 --> 00:59:59,920
Speaker 1: based on your thoughts, which I appreciate and I agree with,

1167
01:00:01,200 --> 01:00:04,720
Speaker 1: most people's self development work should actually be aimed at

1168
01:00:04,760 --> 01:00:09,760
Speaker 1: developing self forgiveness and grace because that becomes a path

1169
01:00:10,280 --> 01:00:13,080
Speaker 1: to all of this. Because, Hey, whether you want to

1170
01:00:13,160 --> 01:00:15,720
Speaker 1: learn how to meditate, or whether you want to work

1171
01:00:15,760 --> 01:00:17,680
Speaker 1: out more, or whether you want to eat healthy, or

1172
01:00:17,720 --> 01:00:21,400
Speaker 1: whatever you want to do, I promise you self forgiveness

1173
01:00:22,040 --> 01:00:24,480
Speaker 1: and grace are going to be a part of the process.

1174
01:00:24,480 --> 01:00:25,800
Speaker 1: Because you're going to miss a day at the gym,

1175
01:00:25,840 --> 01:00:28,280
Speaker 1: you're going to miss eating that healthy meal, You're gonna

1176
01:00:28,520 --> 01:00:30,479
Speaker 1: not want to meditate for three days in a row.

1177
01:00:30,800 --> 01:00:33,040
Speaker 1: And the skill that helps you with all of that

1178
01:00:33,600 --> 01:00:36,760
Speaker 1: is self forgiveness and grace. And so I encourage you

1179
01:00:36,800 --> 01:00:40,640
Speaker 1: all to make your personal growth journey about self forgiveness

1180
01:00:40,640 --> 01:00:43,000
Speaker 1: and grace to assist what you.

1181
01:00:42,920 --> 01:00:45,040
Speaker 2: Said, which I think changing who you are?

1182
01:00:45,160 --> 01:00:45,480
Speaker 1: Correct?

1183
01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:47,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's the goal, you know, for a

1184
01:00:47,200 --> 01:00:49,200
Speaker 2: lot of people is how can I change who I am?

1185
01:00:49,800 --> 01:00:53,480
Speaker 2: How can I make myself different? Instead of accepting where

1186
01:00:53,520 --> 01:00:53,959
Speaker 2: you're at?

1187
01:00:54,960 --> 01:00:55,120
Speaker 1: Yeah?

1188
01:00:55,160 --> 01:00:58,360
Speaker 2: The purpose piece on relationships and purpose.

1189
01:00:58,480 --> 01:01:00,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, the reason why I bring it up is kind

1190
01:01:00,240 --> 01:01:02,520
Speaker 1: of related to this, and it's the idea that Albert

1191
01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:05,040
Speaker 1: Einstein once said, if you want to be happy, like

1192
01:01:05,160 --> 01:01:09,200
Speaker 1: focus on a goal, not a person or a thing.

1193
01:01:09,560 --> 01:01:12,440
Speaker 1: And it's like the idea that I think a lot

1194
01:01:12,480 --> 01:01:17,640
Speaker 1: of people make people their purpose. And when I've worked

1195
01:01:17,680 --> 01:01:20,200
Speaker 1: with people, especially people who have been in relationships for

1196
01:01:20,240 --> 01:01:23,400
Speaker 1: a long time, maybe your partner was the entrepreneurs, so

1197
01:01:23,480 --> 01:01:28,000
Speaker 1: you sacrificed your journey to help them. Maybe your partner

1198
01:01:28,040 --> 01:01:30,640
Speaker 1: was the breadwinner, so you put everything you cared about

1199
01:01:30,680 --> 01:01:34,360
Speaker 1: a side and went all in for them. That's fine

1200
01:01:34,520 --> 01:01:37,080
Speaker 1: for a bit, but when someone's done that for ten

1201
01:01:37,200 --> 01:01:40,280
Speaker 1: twenty thirty years. What I've found is a lot of

1202
01:01:40,280 --> 01:01:43,480
Speaker 1: people come out in their fifties and then feel like

1203
01:01:43,560 --> 01:01:46,600
Speaker 1: they didn't achieve their potential. So I've seen people who

1204
01:01:46,640 --> 01:01:50,200
Speaker 1: potentially look happily married or in relationships for ten twenty

1205
01:01:50,280 --> 01:01:52,960
Speaker 1: thirty years, and then one person comes out and says,

1206
01:01:53,560 --> 01:01:57,160
Speaker 1: we worked for your dreams, not mine, and now they

1207
01:01:57,200 --> 01:01:59,880
Speaker 1: feel misled. And so what I do in the book

1208
01:01:59,920 --> 01:02:06,600
Speaker 1: is I create a scenario based support system regardless of

1209
01:02:06,640 --> 01:02:09,600
Speaker 1: your financial position or where you are, to help you

1210
01:02:09,680 --> 01:02:13,040
Speaker 1: make sense of how do we decide, how do we

1211
01:02:13,200 --> 01:02:18,080
Speaker 1: consciously make an effort to decide how we both help

1212
01:02:18,080 --> 01:02:20,680
Speaker 1: each other focus on our purpose of where we're at.

1213
01:02:21,040 --> 01:02:23,280
Speaker 1: And again it's a consciousness thing. What happened in these

1214
01:02:23,320 --> 01:02:26,320
Speaker 1: relationships that I'm talking about is the person who was

1215
01:02:26,360 --> 01:02:29,920
Speaker 1: the breadwinner, they assume their partner should help them, and

1216
01:02:29,960 --> 01:02:32,600
Speaker 1: they never talked about it. And so what ended up

1217
01:02:32,640 --> 01:02:35,600
Speaker 1: happening thirty years later they hate each other, Well, one

1218
01:02:35,600 --> 01:02:36,960
Speaker 1: of them hates the other one for saying, you took

1219
01:02:36,960 --> 01:02:38,920
Speaker 1: me away from my purpose and they're like, no, I

1220
01:02:38,920 --> 01:02:40,440
Speaker 1: didn't take you away. I was just taking care of

1221
01:02:40,520 --> 01:02:42,760
Speaker 1: the family and you were helping me. And so it

1222
01:02:42,840 --> 01:02:45,400
Speaker 1: ends up being this awkward thing where it's like we

1223
01:02:45,520 --> 01:02:48,560
Speaker 1: just never talked about it. And so I feel like

1224
01:02:48,720 --> 01:02:51,040
Speaker 1: when you have a healthy conversation and you're like, well,

1225
01:02:51,520 --> 01:02:53,520
Speaker 1: I think you know, if you can give me twelve

1226
01:02:53,520 --> 01:02:58,240
Speaker 1: months to experiment, could you hold it down for twelve months? Okay,

1227
01:02:58,360 --> 01:03:00,600
Speaker 1: we experient, Okay, I got some can you do this?

1228
01:03:00,720 --> 01:03:04,760
Speaker 1: And I think having that conversation upfront just saves you

1229
01:03:04,880 --> 01:03:07,120
Speaker 1: so much stress and hassle. And I think we avoid

1230
01:03:07,160 --> 01:03:09,600
Speaker 1: that conversation because we want to be the supportive partner.

1231
01:03:09,960 --> 01:03:13,520
Speaker 1: We want to be the partner who sacrifices everything because look,

1232
01:03:13,680 --> 01:03:16,560
Speaker 1: look how much I love you. And I think that

1233
01:03:16,640 --> 01:03:18,720
Speaker 1: just misleads us and the other person. So I would

1234
01:03:18,800 --> 01:03:23,360
Speaker 1: encourage you all to make the pursuit of purpose a

1235
01:03:23,400 --> 01:03:26,360
Speaker 1: healthy pursuit in your life. And I call it a

1236
01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:30,160
Speaker 1: pursuit rather than finding your purpose, because the pressure of

1237
01:03:30,200 --> 01:03:33,880
Speaker 1: finding your purpose again stops you from loving yourself because

1238
01:03:33,920 --> 01:03:35,040
Speaker 1: you're like, I don't have it. I don't know what

1239
01:03:35,040 --> 01:03:36,080
Speaker 1: it is. I don't have it. I don't know what

1240
01:03:36,120 --> 01:03:39,200
Speaker 1: it is. And all I'm saying is, hey, just have

1241
01:03:39,200 --> 01:03:41,440
Speaker 1: stuff you care about and don't let go of it.

1242
01:03:41,480 --> 01:03:44,360
Speaker 1: That's all I'm saying. Have something you care about and

1243
01:03:44,400 --> 01:03:46,520
Speaker 1: you don't let go of it. It could be something

1244
01:03:46,520 --> 01:03:49,480
Speaker 1: as simple as going for a coffee with your friend

1245
01:03:49,520 --> 01:03:51,560
Speaker 1: every week. It could be as simple as helping out

1246
01:03:51,600 --> 01:03:54,360
Speaker 1: at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. It could

1247
01:03:54,400 --> 01:03:58,000
Speaker 1: be as simple as working on your creative pursuits of

1248
01:03:58,160 --> 01:04:01,120
Speaker 1: art or sport or whatever it maybe, but just don't

1249
01:04:01,120 --> 01:04:04,880
Speaker 1: give it up because you think now you have to

1250
01:04:04,920 --> 01:04:07,040
Speaker 1: grow out of it. And I think that's in the

1251
01:04:07,040 --> 01:04:09,880
Speaker 1: book I really give, step by step focuses on how

1252
01:04:10,080 --> 01:04:12,680
Speaker 1: no matter what your situation is, how you both don't

1253
01:04:12,720 --> 01:04:16,200
Speaker 1: have to sacrifice, but there's a way of figuring it out.

1254
01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:20,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's huge. I think also too. It's what I

1255
01:04:20,240 --> 01:04:22,800
Speaker 2: found during that And I've learned this over time just

1256
01:04:22,840 --> 01:04:26,440
Speaker 2: even watching my parents or other relationships, so much can

1257
01:04:26,480 --> 01:04:30,440
Speaker 2: be remedied or supported by talking about it. You know,

1258
01:04:30,520 --> 01:04:32,240
Speaker 2: even with a lot of a lot of my women

1259
01:04:32,360 --> 01:04:36,600
Speaker 2: friends are the breadwinners. Like I think almost more than

1260
01:04:36,640 --> 01:04:39,640
Speaker 2: half now are breadwinners. And it's like there's a dynamic,

1261
01:04:39,760 --> 01:04:43,000
Speaker 2: there's a powerplay happening within the relationship where they're the breadwinners.

1262
01:04:43,440 --> 01:04:45,520
Speaker 2: You know, the husband or partner or boyfriend might not

1263
01:04:45,600 --> 01:04:48,320
Speaker 2: be and so there's this like power struggle, but there's

1264
01:04:48,320 --> 01:04:52,120
Speaker 2: not an actual conversation of like, hey, if I'm making

1265
01:04:52,160 --> 01:04:54,760
Speaker 2: more money, what's your contribution? Or how are we going

1266
01:04:54,800 --> 01:04:56,680
Speaker 2: to work with this energy? How are you feeling about

1267
01:04:56,680 --> 01:04:59,200
Speaker 2: you know, there's so much can be remedied by communication.

1268
01:04:59,320 --> 01:04:59,920
Speaker 2: It's so wild.

1269
01:05:00,280 --> 01:05:04,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I guess that's why we've always had communication, communication, communication,

1270
01:05:04,760 --> 01:05:09,040
Speaker 1: But the challenge is that we want to talk about

1271
01:05:09,120 --> 01:05:12,880
Speaker 1: how people behave or their actions, but we don't want

1272
01:05:12,920 --> 01:05:16,360
Speaker 1: to talk about our intentions. So we'd rather talk about

1273
01:05:16,400 --> 01:05:18,880
Speaker 1: like you did that wrong, you should be doing this,

1274
01:05:19,080 --> 01:05:21,640
Speaker 1: or I expected this from you, rather than this is

1275
01:05:21,760 --> 01:05:24,280
Speaker 1: what I'm feeling, this is what I'm thinking, how are

1276
01:05:24,280 --> 01:05:28,320
Speaker 1: you thinking about it? And that's because we're scared that

1277
01:05:28,400 --> 01:05:31,720
Speaker 1: if we say it out loud, the other person doesn't

1278
01:05:31,760 --> 01:05:36,840
Speaker 1: have the humility to hear it. We're scared that if

1279
01:05:36,840 --> 01:05:39,160
Speaker 1: I tell my partner, hey, i'm the breadwinner, I really

1280
01:05:39,240 --> 01:05:43,000
Speaker 1: need your support, that they don't have the humility or

1281
01:05:43,000 --> 01:05:45,480
Speaker 1: the lack of ego to say, yeah, I think you're right.

1282
01:05:45,600 --> 01:05:49,040
Speaker 1: That's what we should do. And that's what we have

1283
01:05:49,120 --> 01:05:52,320
Speaker 1: to realize is it doesn't have to be about winning

1284
01:05:52,360 --> 01:05:56,520
Speaker 1: and losing the reason why EGO gets involved is because

1285
01:05:56,560 --> 01:05:59,120
Speaker 1: we want to win. And the way I see in

1286
01:05:59,160 --> 01:06:03,760
Speaker 1: relationships is if I win and you lose, we both

1287
01:06:03,840 --> 01:06:07,720
Speaker 1: lose because we both are on the same team. And

1288
01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:10,680
Speaker 1: if you win and I lose, then we both lose

1289
01:06:10,960 --> 01:06:13,680
Speaker 1: because we're on the same team. So we have two choices.

1290
01:06:14,320 --> 01:06:17,960
Speaker 1: We either win together or we lose together. There's no

1291
01:06:18,120 --> 01:06:20,920
Speaker 1: third option, whereas we think there's a third option off

1292
01:06:20,920 --> 01:06:23,600
Speaker 1: I won and you lost, you both lost. And so

1293
01:06:24,080 --> 01:06:27,400
Speaker 1: my encouragement is in a relationship, if you're genuinely committed

1294
01:06:27,400 --> 01:06:32,000
Speaker 1: to working it out with someone, first of all, bring

1295
01:06:32,120 --> 01:06:36,360
Speaker 1: up conversation in a non confrontational, non aggressive way. Talk

1296
01:06:36,360 --> 01:06:40,480
Speaker 1: about things when they're not heated. We wait till things

1297
01:06:40,520 --> 01:06:43,840
Speaker 1: are heated to say how we really feel, rather than

1298
01:06:44,080 --> 01:06:46,960
Speaker 1: doing it when it's cool and just saying hey, you know,

1299
01:06:47,120 --> 01:06:49,160
Speaker 1: Like I'll often ask RADI, I'll be like, and this

1300
01:06:49,200 --> 01:06:51,280
Speaker 1: is when we're not not having a fight or not

1301
01:06:51,480 --> 01:06:56,560
Speaker 1: in a in a disagreement, I'll say, is this relationship

1302
01:06:56,600 --> 01:06:59,600
Speaker 1: going in the direction you want it to go? But

1303
01:06:59,680 --> 01:07:02,600
Speaker 1: that that question has to be asked in a safe space,

1304
01:07:02,680 --> 01:07:04,440
Speaker 1: because what I don't want her to think is J

1305
01:07:04,600 --> 01:07:06,960
Speaker 1: thinks it's going in the wrong direction, which is not

1306
01:07:07,000 --> 01:07:10,280
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I'm asking a question because if we're

1307
01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:11,600
Speaker 1: both going to be in this, I want to know

1308
01:07:11,600 --> 01:07:14,000
Speaker 1: if it's going in the direction you want, and I

1309
01:07:14,120 --> 01:07:16,360
Speaker 1: want it to go in a certain direction, and then

1310
01:07:16,400 --> 01:07:18,560
Speaker 1: I want a safe space to say, hey, you know what,

1311
01:07:18,560 --> 01:07:21,680
Speaker 1: it's not quite going in the direction I want. Here's why.

1312
01:07:22,480 --> 01:07:24,280
Speaker 1: But it's like it needs to be a safe space

1313
01:07:24,320 --> 01:07:27,800
Speaker 1: where I don't feel that person's going to destroy me

1314
01:07:27,920 --> 01:07:32,440
Speaker 1: for raising a concern. And I think we've created conversations

1315
01:07:32,440 --> 01:07:36,280
Speaker 1: in communication where anything that's uncomfortable to talk about, or

1316
01:07:36,280 --> 01:07:39,640
Speaker 1: anything that's difficult to talk about, you never talk about it.

1317
01:07:39,840 --> 01:07:41,960
Speaker 1: We saw our parents do that, we saw families do that,

1318
01:07:42,000 --> 01:07:44,560
Speaker 1: we saw friends do that, and now we only talk

1319
01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:47,120
Speaker 1: about uncomfortable things when we're screaming at the top of

1320
01:07:47,160 --> 01:07:50,560
Speaker 1: our lungs, and that pushes the other person apart. So

1321
01:07:50,600 --> 01:07:55,520
Speaker 1: I think humility, I think presenting things properly. I mean,

1322
01:07:55,840 --> 01:07:59,240
Speaker 1: there's this beautiful research that shows that when you give

1323
01:07:59,280 --> 01:08:03,400
Speaker 1: feedback to some one, if you're walking together in the

1324
01:08:03,440 --> 01:08:07,040
Speaker 1: same direction, the other person's more likely to digest it.

1325
01:08:07,640 --> 01:08:09,760
Speaker 1: If you're sitting at a round table instead of opposite

1326
01:08:09,800 --> 01:08:15,440
Speaker 1: each other, it's less confrontational, it's creating less animosity. But

1327
01:08:15,480 --> 01:08:18,479
Speaker 1: if you're sitting opposite each other at a table, it

1328
01:08:18,520 --> 01:08:21,320
Speaker 1: feels like I'm against you. It doesn't feel like we're together.

1329
01:08:21,840 --> 01:08:24,800
Speaker 1: And so the idea of can you create that environment

1330
01:08:25,120 --> 01:08:29,719
Speaker 1: externally and internally that if I really want this person

1331
01:08:29,760 --> 01:08:33,120
Speaker 1: in my life, we're going to solve this together. If

1332
01:08:33,120 --> 01:08:34,920
Speaker 1: I really want them in my life, it can't be

1333
01:08:34,960 --> 01:08:37,479
Speaker 1: about getting one up on them, like that can't be

1334
01:08:37,520 --> 01:08:38,040
Speaker 1: where we go.

1335
01:08:38,600 --> 01:08:42,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, and conscious loving. They say that most arguments when

1336
01:08:42,000 --> 01:08:44,880
Speaker 2: they're unconscious are a fight for the victim position. Yeah,

1337
01:08:44,920 --> 01:08:47,120
Speaker 2: so you're like, who's who's the victim? When me and

1338
01:08:47,160 --> 01:08:50,479
Speaker 2: Lindsay have a confrontation, or even me and my husband

1339
01:08:50,760 --> 01:08:53,120
Speaker 2: will usually go to the beach and if I have

1340
01:08:53,200 --> 01:08:54,680
Speaker 2: something that I want to talk about or she does,

1341
01:08:54,720 --> 01:08:57,439
Speaker 2: it's like you're kind of massage the first part of

1342
01:08:57,439 --> 01:09:00,160
Speaker 2: the conversation to be like normal, and then you'll bring

1343
01:09:00,240 --> 01:09:01,920
Speaker 2: it up because it's like, Okay, we're regulating in our

1344
01:09:02,000 --> 01:09:04,840
Speaker 2: nervous systems together. And it's nice to have the walking

1345
01:09:04,920 --> 01:09:06,960
Speaker 2: in the same direction because not only is it like

1346
01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:09,880
Speaker 2: that symbol of we're walking together, but it almost gives

1347
01:09:09,920 --> 01:09:12,839
Speaker 2: your eyes and your body a little bit of a break, yes,

1348
01:09:12,920 --> 01:09:16,000
Speaker 2: to just be okay, I'm looking ahead, I'm we're not

1349
01:09:16,080 --> 01:09:19,040
Speaker 2: face to face, like there's a face off element. And

1350
01:09:19,120 --> 01:09:21,519
Speaker 2: so being in nature and finding the right environment is

1351
01:09:21,600 --> 01:09:24,439
Speaker 2: really important, you know, being outside, being at the park,

1352
01:09:25,120 --> 01:09:29,320
Speaker 2: kind of breaking the pattern of potentially being in the

1353
01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:31,200
Speaker 2: home or being in the bedroom or being on all

1354
01:09:31,240 --> 01:09:32,519
Speaker 2: these things I think is so nice.

1355
01:09:32,600 --> 01:09:35,120
Speaker 1: Absolutely yeah, And I love that you do that, and

1356
01:09:35,520 --> 01:09:38,880
Speaker 1: it's such a valuable skill. And you know, I think

1357
01:09:39,040 --> 01:09:40,840
Speaker 1: learning how to fight I talk about in the book

1358
01:09:40,880 --> 01:09:44,439
Speaker 1: about fight styles, and the reason why I brought up

1359
01:09:44,479 --> 01:09:46,760
Speaker 1: fight styles is I was a huge fan of you know,

1360
01:09:46,760 --> 01:09:49,440
Speaker 1: Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages, and I think that's beautiful.

1361
01:09:49,920 --> 01:09:52,759
Speaker 1: But I was looking at all the Gotman Institute research

1362
01:09:52,840 --> 01:09:56,639
Speaker 1: shows that learning how to fight, learning how to deal

1363
01:09:56,720 --> 01:10:00,960
Speaker 1: with conflict is core to a long lasting relationtionship. And

1364
01:10:01,040 --> 01:10:03,480
Speaker 1: if you look at our weakest skill in a relationship,

1365
01:10:03,880 --> 01:10:08,600
Speaker 1: it's communicating during conflict. Why do people struggle in a

1366
01:10:08,640 --> 01:10:11,719
Speaker 1: relationship because we don't know how to talk about hard things.

1367
01:10:12,040 --> 01:10:14,000
Speaker 1: We don't know how to have a conversation about things

1368
01:10:14,040 --> 01:10:16,880
Speaker 1: we disagree on. We do like literally you can ruin

1369
01:10:17,000 --> 01:10:19,719
Speaker 1: the whole night because you disagreed about what to watch

1370
01:10:19,840 --> 01:10:22,360
Speaker 1: or what to eat, Like everything can go because we

1371
01:10:22,360 --> 01:10:24,559
Speaker 1: don't know how to talk about things that we could

1372
01:10:24,560 --> 01:10:29,280
Speaker 1: debate on. And so I created this and inside the

1373
01:10:29,320 --> 01:10:30,840
Speaker 1: book there's a test that you can do that helps

1374
01:10:30,880 --> 01:10:32,960
Speaker 1: you figure out what your fight style is. And there

1375
01:10:33,000 --> 01:10:38,280
Speaker 1: are three fight styles you have, venting, hiding, and exploding.

1376
01:10:38,479 --> 01:10:40,280
Speaker 1: Venting is I want to talk it out and I

1377
01:10:40,280 --> 01:10:42,720
Speaker 1: want to talk about it right now. Let's solve this,

1378
01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:46,679
Speaker 1: let's figure it out. Hiding is I need to break.

1379
01:10:46,800 --> 01:10:50,000
Speaker 1: I need to go somewhere by myself. I need to

1380
01:10:50,080 --> 01:10:52,720
Speaker 1: let myself emotionally regulate and then I'll come back when

1381
01:10:52,720 --> 01:10:56,599
Speaker 1: I'm ready. And Exploding is like, you know, like maybe

1382
01:10:56,640 --> 01:10:59,000
Speaker 1: I'm like I just burst into tears. I like just

1383
01:10:59,080 --> 01:11:02,200
Speaker 1: like I need blame you. I need to just like

1384
01:11:02,280 --> 01:11:04,600
Speaker 1: be aggressive. Maybe even it can be aggressive and it

1385
01:11:04,640 --> 01:11:06,479
Speaker 1: could just be like I just feel I just don't

1386
01:11:06,479 --> 01:11:08,680
Speaker 1: have to control anything. Hiding is like, at least I

1387
01:11:08,720 --> 01:11:11,080
Speaker 1: know where to go away. Venting is like but sometimes

1388
01:11:11,080 --> 01:11:13,679
Speaker 1: we explode, and we all experience all of these three obviously,

1389
01:11:14,360 --> 01:11:16,200
Speaker 1: but I help you find your one, and it's important

1390
01:11:16,200 --> 01:11:19,200
Speaker 1: to know that because otherwise you're a kickboxer and your

1391
01:11:19,200 --> 01:11:21,679
Speaker 1: partner's doing MMA and it doesn't you know, you can't

1392
01:11:21,720 --> 01:11:26,679
Speaker 1: fight accordingly. And so in our case, I'm a venor.

1393
01:11:26,720 --> 01:11:27,880
Speaker 1: I want to talk about it. I want to talk

1394
01:11:27,880 --> 01:11:30,000
Speaker 1: about it now, and rather he's a hider. She wants

1395
01:11:30,040 --> 01:11:32,479
Speaker 1: to go and reflect on it. And in the beginning

1396
01:11:32,479 --> 01:11:36,639
Speaker 1: of our relationship, I often said to Radi I felt

1397
01:11:36,640 --> 01:11:39,280
Speaker 1: she didn't love me because she didn't want to talk

1398
01:11:39,280 --> 01:11:41,840
Speaker 1: about it right now. I was like, you obviously don't

1399
01:11:41,880 --> 01:11:44,120
Speaker 1: care because we just had a big argument. And if

1400
01:11:44,120 --> 01:11:46,240
Speaker 1: you need to walk away from this space, that means

1401
01:11:46,280 --> 01:11:48,320
Speaker 1: you don't care. That means you don't you're not invested.

1402
01:11:49,120 --> 01:11:52,519
Speaker 1: That's just not true. Her way of investing is taking

1403
01:11:52,520 --> 01:11:55,960
Speaker 1: out time. My way of taking investment is showing I

1404
01:11:56,040 --> 01:11:59,880
Speaker 1: want to talk. And so I think knowing your fight

1405
01:12:00,320 --> 01:12:02,120
Speaker 1: and being aware of it and being aware of your

1406
01:12:02,160 --> 01:12:06,000
Speaker 1: partner's fight style. I realized rather needed two days, I

1407
01:12:06,080 --> 01:12:09,120
Speaker 1: wanted it now. So we're talking one day. Let's meet

1408
01:12:09,160 --> 01:12:12,439
Speaker 1: in the middle. Let's give you some time, but let's

1409
01:12:12,439 --> 01:12:15,800
Speaker 1: not leave me in anxiety. Let's create a space where

1410
01:12:15,800 --> 01:12:19,320
Speaker 1: we can safely connect. And so when we communicate about

1411
01:12:19,320 --> 01:12:22,080
Speaker 1: our fight stars, when we communicate our relationship roles. When

1412
01:12:22,080 --> 01:12:25,799
Speaker 1: we communicate about all these things, we start getting tools

1413
01:12:25,840 --> 01:12:28,519
Speaker 1: and skills and abilities. When we don't talk about any

1414
01:12:28,520 --> 01:12:30,840
Speaker 1: of these things, we just create the story in our head.

1415
01:12:31,600 --> 01:12:34,519
Speaker 1: You're not here. That means you don't care. You're late,

1416
01:12:34,800 --> 01:12:37,640
Speaker 1: that means you don't care. You never turn up, that

1417
01:12:37,720 --> 01:12:40,680
Speaker 1: means you don't care. But those are just stories that

1418
01:12:40,800 --> 01:12:44,639
Speaker 1: we're creating without letting that person tell us their story,

1419
01:12:45,439 --> 01:12:47,880
Speaker 1: and we never know what their story is after many years.

1420
01:12:49,080 --> 01:12:53,120
Speaker 2: I'm so excited about the book. I'm so excited. Last

1421
01:12:53,160 --> 01:12:56,000
Speaker 2: question from me, what is that one hope that you

1422
01:12:56,080 --> 01:12:59,920
Speaker 2: have for people when reading it or when having it.

1423
01:13:01,320 --> 01:13:06,040
Speaker 1: My hope for people when reading it is that it's

1424
01:13:06,080 --> 01:13:10,759
Speaker 1: not about completing the book. It's not about finishing a book.

1425
01:13:10,960 --> 01:13:13,519
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people today it's like I

1426
01:13:13,520 --> 01:13:15,080
Speaker 1: can finish a book. I complete in a milk. I

1427
01:13:15,080 --> 01:13:18,080
Speaker 1: listened to it the kind of of course.

1428
01:13:18,160 --> 01:13:19,919
Speaker 2: Yeah, is such a funny concept.

1429
01:13:20,000 --> 01:13:22,760
Speaker 1: Yeah. And my hope is that you use it as

1430
01:13:23,720 --> 01:13:27,920
Speaker 1: a consistent guide, a consistent companion, a consistent work book.

1431
01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:32,040
Speaker 1: There's activities, that's exercises, there's tests, there's quizes, there's there's

1432
01:13:32,080 --> 01:13:33,920
Speaker 1: just a lot of material. It's not meant to be

1433
01:13:34,040 --> 01:13:37,200
Speaker 1: read just to finish it. It's it's there to help

1434
01:13:37,280 --> 01:13:39,439
Speaker 1: you at any point in your life when you're struggling

1435
01:13:39,520 --> 01:13:42,400
Speaker 1: and you flick to a page and go talk to me.

1436
01:13:42,640 --> 01:13:46,320
Speaker 1: I want people to have a slower, longer, deeper love,

1437
01:13:46,960 --> 01:13:48,960
Speaker 1: and so I hope that your process of moving through

1438
01:13:49,000 --> 01:13:53,080
Speaker 1: the book is slower, longer, and deeper, because that will

1439
01:13:53,240 --> 01:13:54,439
Speaker 1: lead to that type of love.

1440
01:13:54,720 --> 01:13:55,639
Speaker 2: So grateful you're here.

1441
01:13:56,160 --> 01:13:57,960
Speaker 1: Thank you, so so this was beautiful. You asked me

1442
01:13:58,040 --> 01:14:01,080
Speaker 1: so many You're such a brilliant interview. You asked me

1443
01:14:01,160 --> 01:14:04,719
Speaker 1: so many questions I haven't yet talked about, haven't been asked.

1444
01:14:04,920 --> 01:14:07,000
Speaker 1: I really hope everyone's been listening, Like I really hope

1445
01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:10,000
Speaker 1: this serves you. I want you to have a beautiful

1446
01:14:10,000 --> 01:14:12,160
Speaker 1: love story in your life. I want you to have

1447
01:14:12,200 --> 01:14:17,840
Speaker 1: the most fulfilling, powerful, abundant love in your life. But

1448
01:14:18,240 --> 01:14:20,360
Speaker 1: I want you to have the skills in order to

1449
01:14:20,400 --> 01:14:23,040
Speaker 1: create it. I don't want you to hope and wish

1450
01:14:23,080 --> 01:14:25,800
Speaker 1: and wait and want for it. And so Christal, thank

1451
01:14:25,840 --> 01:14:28,120
Speaker 1: you so much for sharing this with your community and

1452
01:14:28,200 --> 01:14:30,960
Speaker 1: your audience. And I'm so grateful to you. So thank you.

1453
01:14:31,040 --> 01:14:32,400
Speaker 2: We love you, guys, We thank.

1454
01:14:32,240 --> 01:14:44,040
Speaker 1: You each year around the holidays, I do a Secret

1455
01:14:44,080 --> 01:14:47,519
Speaker 1: Center gift exchange with my team, and I get so

1456
01:14:47,680 --> 01:14:51,519
Speaker 1: caught up in finding the perfect gift for my secret

1457
01:14:51,560 --> 01:14:55,519
Speaker 1: center I almost forget that someone else is doing the

1458
01:14:55,560 --> 01:14:59,760
Speaker 1: same for me. If only we could treat all our

1459
01:15:00,000 --> 01:15:05,080
Speaker 1: relationships this way, if we could give with such enthusiasm

1460
01:15:05,680 --> 01:15:09,519
Speaker 1: without thinking about what we'll get back. And that's what

1461
01:15:09,640 --> 01:15:16,280
Speaker 1: the next seven minutes are about relationships, expectations, and where

1462
01:15:16,280 --> 01:15:20,479
Speaker 1: we can get into trouble. I'm Jay Shaddy. Welcome to

1463
01:15:20,560 --> 01:15:25,320
Speaker 1: the Daily Jay. Let's start with a few mindful breaths

1464
01:15:25,840 --> 01:15:34,160
Speaker 1: to get centered in this moment, breathing in and breathing out,

1465
01:15:36,800 --> 01:15:45,840
Speaker 1: expanding with the inhale, releasing with the exhale, settling in

1466
01:15:45,880 --> 01:15:55,519
Speaker 1: to right now, and sinking into right here. When people

1467
01:15:55,640 --> 01:15:59,559
Speaker 1: think of monasteries, love is not the first thing that

1468
01:15:59,600 --> 01:16:03,920
Speaker 1: comes to mind, But believe it or not, the biggest

1469
01:16:04,040 --> 01:16:08,080
Speaker 1: lessons I've learned about relationships came from my time as

1470
01:16:08,080 --> 01:16:12,839
Speaker 1: a monk. The Ashram works like a big extended family.

1471
01:16:13,560 --> 01:16:17,240
Speaker 1: We're taught to love and look after each other, lend

1472
01:16:17,280 --> 01:16:22,400
Speaker 1: a hand whenever possible, and generally show kindness towards each other.

1473
01:16:23,800 --> 01:16:28,200
Speaker 1: After months of giving my all, I began to feel

1474
01:16:28,240 --> 01:16:33,280
Speaker 1: like I wasn't getting all my giving back, So finally

1475
01:16:34,040 --> 01:16:38,160
Speaker 1: I went to one of my teachers for advice. I'm upset,

1476
01:16:38,560 --> 01:16:41,800
Speaker 1: I said, I feel like I'm giving out a lot

1477
01:16:41,840 --> 01:16:45,360
Speaker 1: of love, but I don't feel like it's being returned

1478
01:16:45,400 --> 01:16:50,080
Speaker 1: in kind. I'm caring and looking out for others, but

1479
01:16:50,160 --> 01:16:53,160
Speaker 1: they don't do the same for me. I don't get it.

1480
01:16:54,760 --> 01:17:00,360
Speaker 1: Then he said something that forever changed my relationship. With relationship,

1481
01:17:01,640 --> 01:17:06,360
Speaker 1: love is like a circle. You assume the love you

1482
01:17:06,439 --> 01:17:10,080
Speaker 1: will receive will come from the person you gave it to,

1483
01:17:11,080 --> 01:17:16,160
Speaker 1: but it doesn't always come from that person. The problem,

1484
01:17:16,479 --> 01:17:21,640
Speaker 1: he told me, lies in our expectations. We tend to

1485
01:17:21,720 --> 01:17:26,240
Speaker 1: think of relationships as transactions. You scratch my back, I'll

1486
01:17:26,280 --> 01:17:30,320
Speaker 1: scratch yours. We keep scorecards in our minds. We go

1487
01:17:30,439 --> 01:17:35,080
Speaker 1: tit for tat, But love and relationships don't always work

1488
01:17:35,160 --> 01:17:38,760
Speaker 1: that way, or at least they shouldn't. A tit for

1489
01:17:38,840 --> 01:17:43,080
Speaker 1: them doesn't always equal a tap for you. You know

1490
01:17:43,800 --> 01:17:49,120
Speaker 1: this makes me think of my mom, caring, loving, always

1491
01:17:49,160 --> 01:17:53,200
Speaker 1: there for me. In fact, if she had her way,

1492
01:17:53,760 --> 01:17:57,639
Speaker 1: we'd be facetiming all day long. And don't get me wrong,

1493
01:17:57,800 --> 01:18:02,280
Speaker 1: I love my mom. I'm grateful for her, and I

1494
01:18:02,360 --> 01:18:05,240
Speaker 1: try to show it. But even if I don't pick

1495
01:18:05,320 --> 01:18:08,120
Speaker 1: up her call or give her the same attention back,

1496
01:18:08,800 --> 01:18:13,880
Speaker 1: her approach to me doesn't change. She never expects anything

1497
01:18:14,200 --> 01:18:18,240
Speaker 1: in return. I think we could all use that lesson

1498
01:18:19,160 --> 01:18:22,400
Speaker 1: to focus on what we're giving out. Let go of

1499
01:18:22,439 --> 01:18:26,200
Speaker 1: the scorecard, scratch her back without worrying about the itch

1500
01:18:26,240 --> 01:18:32,360
Speaker 1: on ours, and give without expectations. We should give love purely,

1501
01:18:32,960 --> 01:18:37,519
Speaker 1: to give love no other reason. It's as simple as that,

1502
01:18:39,240 --> 01:18:44,120
Speaker 1: and let's reflect on that now. Begin by thinking about

1503
01:18:44,120 --> 01:18:50,000
Speaker 1: how you tend to view relationships. Do you look for reciprocation?

1504
01:18:51,400 --> 01:18:58,120
Speaker 1: Do you keep a tally who has shown you kindness

1505
01:18:58,360 --> 01:19:09,160
Speaker 1: or consideration without expecting something equal in return? How could

1506
01:19:09,240 --> 01:19:14,240
Speaker 1: you be that person for someone else, for everyone else?

1507
01:19:19,160 --> 01:19:23,200
Speaker 1: See what happens if you let go of your expectations

1508
01:19:23,920 --> 01:19:29,840
Speaker 1: and join into the feedback loop of love. So for

1509
01:19:29,960 --> 01:19:35,120
Speaker 1: today's meditation, we're going to do a loving kindness practice

1510
01:19:35,400 --> 01:19:40,480
Speaker 1: to work on giving with no agenda. Start by getting comfortable,

1511
01:19:42,080 --> 01:19:47,320
Speaker 1: Feel free to close your eyes if you want, and

1512
01:19:47,520 --> 01:19:53,280
Speaker 1: bring your attention to your breath, the natural flow of

1513
01:19:53,439 --> 01:20:07,479
Speaker 1: air in and out. Now, let's send some love. Bring

1514
01:20:07,520 --> 01:20:14,720
Speaker 1: to mind someone that's easy to feel kindness towards It.

1515
01:20:14,760 --> 01:20:21,560
Speaker 1: Could be a family member, a friend, even a pet.

1516
01:20:24,240 --> 01:20:31,120
Speaker 1: Think of their positive qualities and just send them love.

1517
01:20:32,880 --> 01:20:41,000
Speaker 1: Simple as that. You can silently repeat these phrases if

1518
01:20:41,040 --> 01:20:48,519
Speaker 1: it helps. May you be happy, May you be healthy,

1519
01:20:51,200 --> 01:21:03,839
Speaker 1: May you be peaceful, showering them with well wishes, nothing

1520
01:21:04,120 --> 01:21:12,800
Speaker 1: in it for you. Now extend this out a bit

1521
01:21:14,240 --> 01:21:22,720
Speaker 1: and include a group of people, or even the whole world.

1522
01:21:23,760 --> 01:21:32,120
Speaker 1: May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you

1523
01:21:32,200 --> 01:21:42,799
Speaker 1: be peaceful. This practice of sending love can help open

1524
01:21:42,840 --> 01:21:47,719
Speaker 1: our hearts, and a famous quote by Catherine Hepburn's sums

1525
01:21:47,760 --> 01:21:53,160
Speaker 1: it up well. Love has nothing to do with what

1526
01:21:53,200 --> 01:21:59,400
Speaker 1: you're expecting to get, only with what you're expecting to give,

1527
01:22:00,479 --> 01:22:04,640
Speaker 1: which is everything. Thank you for trying something new with me.

1528
01:22:05,680 --> 01:22:08,719
Speaker 1: Go ahead and share this message with some one else

1529
01:22:09,160 --> 01:22:12,400
Speaker 1: who could use a little love to day. I love

1530
01:22:12,439 --> 01:22:15,599
Speaker 1: you all, and I can't wait to connect once again

1531
01:22:16,040 --> 01:22:16,559
Speaker 1: to morrow.