Speaker 1: Help I Suck at Dating with Anger and I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio podcast. We are back week three, Help I Suck
Speaker 1: at Dating. I'm Dean Angler. Thank you for tuning in
Speaker 1: to listen. I have a very special episode for all
Speaker 1: of you today, one of the most talked about relationships
Speaker 1: this past year. Both of them will be joining us
Speaker 1: Rachel Lindsay Brian Abasolo from season thirteen The Bachelorette. I
Speaker 1: reached out to them because they've been through a lot.
Speaker 1: They both know me. We've gotten to know each other
Speaker 1: through a long time spent together on the TV show,
Speaker 1: UM and a little bit afterwards. I think that they
Speaker 1: have a great relationship. I want to get to the
Speaker 1: bottom of what makes them work so well and maybe
Speaker 1: what didn't work so well between Rachel and myself. And
Speaker 1: I'm definitely nervous about it. UM. I've been in touch
Speaker 1: with Rachel a little bit post show, but nothing, you know,
Speaker 1: to the extent, especially about our relationship. I haven't really
Speaker 1: talked to Brian very much. UM, So I'm nervous, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't really know where they're, where they're gona be
Speaker 1: coming from, what they're gonna want to talk about. But
Speaker 1: I'm excited. I think that it can only be constructive.
Speaker 1: I think that it's gonna be a little bit awkward
Speaker 1: because of my friendship with Peter Um. You know him.
Speaker 1: Peter and I grew very close over the show, which
Speaker 1: kind of took a little bit away from the friendship
Speaker 1: that I had with Brian Um. But at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, I think it's important to put everything
Speaker 1: in the past and just just kind of move on
Speaker 1: and grow from it. So we're gonna have Rachel, Lindsay
Speaker 1: and Brian Abi solo come on UM, sort through the awkwardness,
Speaker 1: talk about what makes them great, talk about what I
Speaker 1: could improve on, because again, Rachel is close to Christina
Speaker 1: and Danielle, who she um was on the same season
Speaker 1: as Nick with and she saw them in Paradise, so
Speaker 1: she can maybe feels fill us in a little bit
Speaker 1: about that. And yeah, we'll see how it goes. I'm
Speaker 1: very nervous, Um. I've had a lot of coffee today.
Speaker 1: It's been stressful. It was just a trick to get here.
Speaker 1: My motorcycle broke down on the way to the studio.
Speaker 1: The producer is yelling at me because I run a
Speaker 1: little bit behind. We had to push the call with
Speaker 1: Rachel and Brian backle little bit. But again they're very gracious,
Speaker 1: They're they're working with us. Um, I'm trying to calm down.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to practice my breathing exercises that my meditation
Speaker 1: app is miss having me work on. But some things
Speaker 1: you just can't really settle down on. And so here
Speaker 1: we are talking to these two people. I'm d Dungler help.
Speaker 1: I suck at dating and pretty much everything else in life.
Speaker 1: So one thing that can make dating easier. I talked
Speaker 1: about it last week a little bit, dating apps, And
Speaker 1: you want to know what the best dating app out
Speaker 1: there is, It's got to be Bumble, because not only
Speaker 1: can you use Bumble to find dates, you can also
Speaker 1: use it to find friends. You can also use it
Speaker 1: to network professionally. I didn't know that. I think that
Speaker 1: I would love to have more friends. I think that
Speaker 1: maybe I'll just get on Bumble and start friend finding
Speaker 1: right away. Um Bumble is great too, especially as a female.
Speaker 1: Obviously I've never really experienced the other side of it,
Speaker 1: but I think that there's something empowering about the idea
Speaker 1: of the woman messaging the guy first. Because I have
Speaker 1: friends female friends who use other dating apps where these
Speaker 1: guys have just basically an open line to whomember they
Speaker 1: match with, and they can basically start badgering and and
Speaker 1: attacking verbally these women that they've never met before. But
Speaker 1: with Bumble, of the great thing about it is the
Speaker 1: woman has to message the guy first, so there has
Speaker 1: to be the shared level of interest and then the
Speaker 1: woman reaching out, which is great. I think that definitely
Speaker 1: adds a different dynamic to it. I think that um
Speaker 1: that premise is should be widely adopted. I think that
Speaker 1: they're killing it. And if you go to bumble dot
Speaker 1: com slash dean to download the app, you can start
Speaker 1: using Bumble. You can start going on these great dates.
Speaker 1: I have friends that have met friends, uh, boyfriends, girlfriends
Speaker 1: through bumble Um. I have friends that have met friends
Speaker 1: through Bumble. And again, you can network professionally through Bumble.
Speaker 1: So if you're in a profession where you know networking
Speaker 1: is important, or maybe it's a little bit difficult for
Speaker 1: you to do it, sometimes it's a great way to
Speaker 1: meet like minded individuals. Um and it's safe, which is
Speaker 1: which is the important thing too. So again, go to
Speaker 1: Bumble dot com slash dean to download the app and
Speaker 1: start bumbling, so on the phone. Now we have Bachette
Speaker 1: season thirteen, Rachel Lindsay and her fiance Brian Abislo. How
Speaker 1: are you Guys's good by going on? Let's going on?
Speaker 1: Where all reunited? Hey? Are you guys together right now?
Speaker 1: Are you in the same room or are you We're
Speaker 1: actually separate, separate rooms. But you're okay, got you, got you? So,
Speaker 1: how's anything going with you? Copper wants to be a
Speaker 1: part of the podcast. No, I mean that's fine by me.
Speaker 1: You know how much I love dogs. So so guys,
Speaker 1: fill me in. How's everything going. Everything's great, man. We're
Speaker 1: just uh living living in Dallas, living in Dallas life,
Speaker 1: just doing our thing, uh, you know, potentially moving to
Speaker 1: uh California in the near future. So we're excited about
Speaker 1: what's to come. Wait, Brian, so you're living in Dallas
Speaker 1: right now with Rachel. I mean, so, does that mean
Speaker 1: you sold your condo in ord to I'm not actually
Speaker 1: rented it out? Yeah, man, I'm fully committed. I rented
Speaker 1: out my condo, I sold my car. M I'm here man,
Speaker 1: you got to That's that's amazing. I think that's kind
Speaker 1: of the approach you took during the entire season as well.
Speaker 1: You were fully committed the entire time, and I think
Speaker 1: that the really really shows, especially not too which is
Speaker 1: great and um, you know, you guys seem incredibly happy together.
Speaker 1: I'm incredibly happy for the both of you. I know
Speaker 1: that there was a little bit of maybe backlash that
Speaker 1: you know, the two of you took uh during the
Speaker 1: season airing, and I personally want to apologize for maybe
Speaker 1: the negative negativity that I spoke of maybe the relationship
Speaker 1: that you two have in the press while all that
Speaker 1: was airing. I I feel awful for it. It's never
Speaker 1: my intention. Um, but you know, it's great to be
Speaker 1: able to look on and watch you guys, Um, you know,
Speaker 1: continue to to live your life together, especially you know,
Speaker 1: moving to l A is a big step. I think
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think, is there any other Bachelor bachelorette
Speaker 1: that moved to a completely separate city altogether, because I
Speaker 1: think mostly it's one person moving to the other person's city, Right,
Speaker 1: that's a really top point, I think, honestly, I don't
Speaker 1: even know. I think that's I think that started. We're
Speaker 1: not starting over obviously. So so, Rachel, are you going
Speaker 1: to practice law in in California, and Brian, you're gonna
Speaker 1: be doing the chiropractor thing out here too. Yeah, I'm actually, uh,
Speaker 1: just good news that I got my application approved in California.
Speaker 1: So pretty much all I need to do now is
Speaker 1: take the laws and rules test of California and tact
Speaker 1: this the same process. You know, I'm almost getting that
Speaker 1: license as well, So I'm just pretty much covering my
Speaker 1: base is, you know, in every state that we could
Speaker 1: possibly end up with. So that's that's basically where I
Speaker 1: stand on that. But but to your to what you
Speaker 1: said earlier, man, I appreciate apology, and you know, I've
Speaker 1: always had love free man, So you know, let's let
Speaker 1: bygones be bygones, and you know, let's move on and
Speaker 1: again be one big happy family. Absolutely, and yet especially
Speaker 1: if we come to L A. R. Yes, I do
Speaker 1: plan on my firm unfortunately firm having office and howfolny,
Speaker 1: and so you know, if we make that move out there,
Speaker 1: then I'm going to take the bar and you know,
Speaker 1: continue to practice and take advantage of, you know, whatever
Speaker 1: else may come my way. I love it. I love
Speaker 1: it all right. Well, so to kind of get more
Speaker 1: on the point, so obviously you guys, know, this is
Speaker 1: a dating podcast basically centered around my inability to be
Speaker 1: a successful data right, But it seems, you know, as
Speaker 1: I mentioned that you two really do seem to be
Speaker 1: genuinely happy with each other, and um, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I think that it would be great to to kind
Speaker 1: of get to know what makes you two work so
Speaker 1: well together. Well, first of all, I'm proud of you, Dane.
Speaker 1: You know, I feel admitting that you have a problem
Speaker 1: is the first step help I suck at dating. I
Speaker 1: think you're better than to right the rest of so,
Speaker 1: I think, I don't know, Like for us, I feel like, well,
Speaker 1: first of all, you're twenty six, right, so we're not
Speaker 1: twenty six. Like I feel like if we were reaching
Speaker 1: talking to our twenty six year old selves, it would
Speaker 1: be a little different. So like I think like age
Speaker 1: has something to do with it. Um, But for us,
Speaker 1: like the key things have been communication, Like our communication
Speaker 1: is really really good, like outside of like chemistry and
Speaker 1: you know, the getting along well and having the same interest, Like,
Speaker 1: communication has been super key for us and has been
Speaker 1: so beneficial in the success of our relationship. I'm very
Speaker 1: bad communication. That's definitely, it's definitely important yeah, I mean obviously,
Speaker 1: the you know, the love and respect have to be there.
Speaker 1: You know, that's that's stay true since you know, since
Speaker 1: the beginning, since we first met, and like she said, communication, honesty,
Speaker 1: just being totally upfront with each other. You know, even
Speaker 1: if the conversation is difficult, you know, you've got to
Speaker 1: be able to basically express yourself to the max to
Speaker 1: your significant other. And you know, I think if everything's
Speaker 1: out on the table, you know, there's no room for misinterpretation.
Speaker 1: And I think that's just gonna done through your relationship.
Speaker 1: And so so during the season, I mean, it's basically
Speaker 1: the evolution of dating, right, I mean, one, when we
Speaker 1: step out of the limo, none of us knew Rachel Um,
Speaker 1: so it's really hard to chuck up that as as
Speaker 1: kind of I guess that is essentially when the dating begins,
Speaker 1: but as time moves on, you slowly progressed through the
Speaker 1: relationship and things become more serious. Right. So, so, Rachel,
Speaker 1: do you mind I guess sharing a little bit about
Speaker 1: what made um first of all, Brian so great at
Speaker 1: the whole dating aspect, and then on the flip side,
Speaker 1: maybe some negative, uh, some bad aspects that you saw
Speaker 1: within me as as dating kind of moved on. I
Speaker 1: know it's I know it's kind of awkward to because
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously your fiance is on the line. Um.
Speaker 1: But no, Dean, it's not. It's not awkward for me
Speaker 1: at all to tell you what you did that. Um No.
Speaker 1: I mean it's kind of like piggybacking on what Brian
Speaker 1: just said as to why. Like he stood out to
Speaker 1: me immediately he I'm a very honest and direct person.
Speaker 1: I mean, like some people can handle that, some people can't.
Speaker 1: But I think that that has been beneficial in our
Speaker 1: relationship and just in general. And so when I first
Speaker 1: met Brian, he was very direct. He was like, this
Speaker 1: is this is what I do, this is why I'm here,
Speaker 1: this is how I got here. And I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: this is very refreshing. It was. It was like a
Speaker 1: breath of fresh air to me, and honestly, no one
Speaker 1: really did it that way the first night, and so
Speaker 1: that really stood out to me. And moving forward, Brian
Speaker 1: just built on that. Like he didn't just talk it,
Speaker 1: he walked it, and he was everything that he said
Speaker 1: he was. Um, Deane, No, like you and I connected
Speaker 1: from the beginning because we had so much fun, right,
Speaker 1: and like that stood out from the beginning. We had
Speaker 1: a lot of fun. But sometimes you have to go
Speaker 1: deeper in a relationship and it's just can't always be
Speaker 1: sunshine and blue skies, you know, like if you're trying
Speaker 1: to spend here forever with this person, you got to
Speaker 1: get down to the nitty gritty. And I think with you,
Speaker 1: like you're such a sweet and knife person that you
Speaker 1: want to stay in that world, and you know you have.
Speaker 1: I think it was like a little too too much fun,
Speaker 1: you know, like just too fun. I think fun is important,
Speaker 1: but you know you have to go deeper than that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think, I mean, thank you for sparing me. But
Speaker 1: I hope as a conversation was on, you're willing to
Speaker 1: dig in a little bit more because I know, I
Speaker 1: know obviously you watch a little bit of Paradise and
Speaker 1: are familiar with kind of some of what happened there.
Speaker 1: But I guess back to to Brian then, So, Brian,
Speaker 1: how do you think more maybe like tune it more
Speaker 1: towards the listeners. What do you think the listeners can
Speaker 1: do too? I don't know, replicate your you know, obviously
Speaker 1: your your success that you had on the season. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, if if you're giving out dating advice, I
Speaker 1: guess what would that dating device be? Uh well, I
Speaker 1: first think that it's just very important or din't to
Speaker 1: self reflect and just know exactly what you want, Like who,
Speaker 1: who are you? What do you want? You need to
Speaker 1: figure that out first. Um, you know, whether that's settling down,
Speaker 1: being exclusive with someone, or just having fun in dating.
Speaker 1: You know, you just got to kind of figure out
Speaker 1: exactly once you what you want. Now, once you figure
Speaker 1: that out, then you know, with any party that you're
Speaker 1: engaged with, you know, you should basically be a hundred
Speaker 1: percent honest and forthcoming and just let them know where
Speaker 1: you stand in exactly what you want with them. You know.
Speaker 1: I just think that people get in trouble when they
Speaker 1: you know, they beat around the bush and you know,
Speaker 1: withhold information or just straight up lie to the other person,
Speaker 1: and that just brings on the necessary dramas to that
Speaker 1: person's life and who wants that? So I just think
Speaker 1: it it's kind of like the truth will set you
Speaker 1: free mentality, you know, if you're just up front with
Speaker 1: the person, like yeah, I think I think you'll be
Speaker 1: better off in the long run. And I mean, I
Speaker 1: I don't remember the whole situation with you and the
Speaker 1: girls on Paradise, but you know, I know you were,
Speaker 1: you were forthcoming. I just maybe the delivery could have
Speaker 1: been a little bit better than you know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: I think I think you. I think I saw like
Speaker 1: a valid attempt at being honest. But you know, I
Speaker 1: guess maybe I don't know how it came out on
Speaker 1: the like on TV, maybe a little bit different than
Speaker 1: now it actually came to win down. But I think
Speaker 1: you were I think if you were just a little
Speaker 1: more blunt, a little bit more direct, I think maybe
Speaker 1: it would have been a little bit better for you.
Speaker 1: But and I think that speaks to you a lot too.
Speaker 1: I think that you have maybe a little bit more
Speaker 1: self awareness, so when you're honest, it's it comes across
Speaker 1: as more direct and more um yeah forward, I guess
Speaker 1: in a good way, because I mean, I always want
Speaker 1: to be as honest as possible. I think to to
Speaker 1: the point you were making earlier, if you always tell
Speaker 1: the truth, you never have to remember anything, right. And UM,
Speaker 1: I just think that I probably sugarcoated a little things
Speaker 1: more than than UM I should have. But UM, I mean,
Speaker 1: that's great. I think I think that's absolutely great advice. Um,
Speaker 1: back to the both of you. Then, Okay, so I
Speaker 1: think YouTube more so than anyone in my memory, and
Speaker 1: it's it's a short memory because I haven't been a
Speaker 1: fan of the franchise for very long. But you do
Speaker 1: have have kind of taken a lot of flak on
Speaker 1: social media, right, do you guys mind just sharing a
Speaker 1: little bit about how that affects your relationship, because I
Speaker 1: mean it's definitely unfair. It's these people that don't know
Speaker 1: anything about you, guys that have watched you for two
Speaker 1: hours every Monday for nine weeks, that are you know,
Speaker 1: making all these rash assumptions and calling you these names,
Speaker 1: and it's just ridiculous. How do you guys kind of
Speaker 1: deal with that or handle that? Yeah, I mean it's
Speaker 1: it was difficult in the beginning. I mean, I I'm
Speaker 1: believe it or not, actually very private normally with my relationships,
Speaker 1: and so to be so public and honest about like
Speaker 1: the relationship and then for people to not everyone, but
Speaker 1: to be attacked on social media and then just sometimes
Speaker 1: in the media. It was really hard, um individually and
Speaker 1: then just together as a couple. But I think for us,
Speaker 1: how we got through it was just being honest with
Speaker 1: one another about how it affected us and working through that,
Speaker 1: and I think that helped us get through it. And
Speaker 1: for us it was like, if we can get through is,
Speaker 1: which was a lot in the beginning, then we can
Speaker 1: get through anything, because it was a lot. It was
Speaker 1: a lot. But yeah, I think it's just it's uh,
Speaker 1: it's a tribute to just our maturity level and just
Speaker 1: us knowing each other so well and knowing exactly what
Speaker 1: we want. I think the social media thing, I mean,
Speaker 1: as you've learned being I'm sure you know, not everybody
Speaker 1: is gonna like you a percent of the time or anything.
Speaker 1: You might think you do any everything perfect, and somebody's
Speaker 1: still going to have a problem with it. So I
Speaker 1: think one of the best strategies just try to stay
Speaker 1: all social media. But you know, if that's not how possibility,
Speaker 1: like you're saying, you know, communication is key. You know,
Speaker 1: if we see something out there that's negative or you
Speaker 1: know that's bashing us in any way, you know, we'll
Speaker 1: talk about it. You know, how do you feel about that?
Speaker 1: You know, we'll lack each other and we'll talk through it,
Speaker 1: and you know, I just think it takes you know,
Speaker 1: two people that have that love and respect for each
Speaker 1: other not not let those types of things affect you.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I think it's definitely it comes with a communication,
Speaker 1: that's it. And so have you guys noticed it kind
Speaker 1: of like dissipate a little bit since then. I mean
Speaker 1: obviously during I think was probably the Apex and just NonStop, right,
Speaker 1: but it's kind of simmered down a little bit, I think, Right, yeah,
Speaker 1: like we're just living ourselves, I mean, are living our
Speaker 1: lives and I think that and not paying attention or responding.
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess I kind of have a clap
Speaker 1: back here and there sometimes, but like we're trying not
Speaker 1: we're trying not to respond to anything, and we're just
Speaker 1: ourselves and that's all you can be. And I think
Speaker 1: people are just either getting tired of, you know, being
Speaker 1: negative or just hopping on board, like realizing you know,
Speaker 1: like it's for real at these two and so we're
Speaker 1: just trying to block everything all negativity out Let's not
Speaker 1: you know, let's not just spell all the love that's
Speaker 1: out there. I mean, that's there's a whole lot of love,
Speaker 1: way more than hate, you know. So you know, we're
Speaker 1: we're happy about that as well. You know, we appreciate
Speaker 1: all the family love as well. Great, Well, so, how
Speaker 1: do you guys mind diving in a little bit into
Speaker 1: how your relationship has changed in the show? I think
Speaker 1: that you know, obviously we all had maybe access to
Speaker 1: see what how your relationship develops over the course of
Speaker 1: the nine weeks on the show. But now you guys
Speaker 1: are like living together, You're spending pretty much every moment together,
Speaker 1: at least when you when you're with each other in
Speaker 1: the same city. So how is your relationship kind of
Speaker 1: evolved from then until now? Because again, it's a it's
Speaker 1: a unique transition that none of us are really accustomed to.
Speaker 1: Has that been difficult at all? I mean social media side,
Speaker 1: just essentially just two people living their lives together. I
Speaker 1: think we obviously get to know more of each other.
Speaker 1: We're we're more comfortable in our own skin. You know,
Speaker 1: every day that passes, we're able to you know, express
Speaker 1: each other, expressed to each other a lot easier than
Speaker 1: the day before. And you know, in Rachel, I think
Speaker 1: I just have a woman that's that's very patient, you know,
Speaker 1: she she puts up with all my crap and you
Speaker 1: know still loves me. And that's I feel like that's
Speaker 1: so priceless to be able to be a be yourself
Speaker 1: and have someone who loves you for who you are.
Speaker 1: What kind of talk about what? Everybody? Everybody has your cork,
Speaker 1: every everybody has their corks, everybody has their pet peeves
Speaker 1: about the other person. It's tough, man. You know, you're
Speaker 1: bringing two people with two distinct personalities together and it's
Speaker 1: so it's going to be for a lifetime. So you
Speaker 1: know you're gonna get on each other's nerves every now
Speaker 1: and then. But you know, I just feel that she
Speaker 1: loves me and I love her to death, and it's
Speaker 1: just you know, love rises above all, you know. So
Speaker 1: you know we look past all the all the flaws
Speaker 1: which everyone everyone has, and you know that's something they
Speaker 1: should share. It's in a relationship when you find somebody
Speaker 1: like that. What do you guys find yourself about the most?
Speaker 1: Being late? Either one of us are like timely people,
Speaker 1: so very punctually you know, yeah, none of one of
Speaker 1: us has to step up and be the one to
Speaker 1: do it. So like our time management skills are a
Speaker 1: little off, and so like you know, sometimes I'm ready
Speaker 1: waiting for him and vice versa, and so yeah, like
Speaker 1: I'd probably say, like, that's like our biggest thing. Tim
Speaker 1: I think, I think timing not only in terms of punctuality,
Speaker 1: but in terms of where you're at in your life.
Speaker 1: And this is a perfect segue, it's My next question
Speaker 1: is how important do you think timing played as a
Speaker 1: factor into I guess your guys relationship, right, I mean,
Speaker 1: Brian I thirty seven, Rachel thirty two. I think that
Speaker 1: you guys are definitely at a time in your lives
Speaker 1: where you know, you wanted to settle down, you wanted
Speaker 1: to start a family. Um, how important do you think
Speaker 1: that is? And not just your relationship, but in any relationship.
Speaker 1: I think I think timing is everything. I mean, that's
Speaker 1: actually one of my favorite you know, little monikers. Um,
Speaker 1: it's it's something that going in I had a positive
Speaker 1: attitude going in to meet Rachel because I did see
Speaker 1: her being more or less at the same level of
Speaker 1: where we wanted to be with our with our futures.
Speaker 1: You know, she was thirty one, a professional, Uh, she
Speaker 1: wanted to settle down and I wanted those same things.
Speaker 1: You know, maybe a couple of years back, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: have been ready for that, you know. So I think
Speaker 1: timing and where the person is in their life and
Speaker 1: what they're ready for, I think that's paramount. Oh about you, Dad,
Speaker 1: But yeah, well said, well said, it really is. It's
Speaker 1: like if I had met Brian like three years ago,
Speaker 1: I don't think I would have been ready for him.
Speaker 1: I think I was at a place we were just
Speaker 1: both where we needed to be to meet each other.
Speaker 1: Give him a baby, I don't. I don't know if
Speaker 1: that's he's agreeing with you disagreeing with you. You know,
Speaker 1: I thought that too. When that doesn't sound good, No,
Speaker 1: I think I think that's a that's a good point too, because, um,
Speaker 1: I think Brian and I talked about this a little
Speaker 1: bit throughout the course of this season. I think I
Speaker 1: was the youngest one at during filming most of it,
Speaker 1: And um, I think that you could always think that
Speaker 1: you're ready for something, right, but at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, timing sometimes just doesn't necessarily make sense. And
Speaker 1: so you know, years old, I'm thinking that I am
Speaker 1: ready for it. When Rachel and you know you attributed
Speaker 1: a lot of it to timing, I think you're absolutely right.
Speaker 1: I think that timing plays a big factor in um,
Speaker 1: you know, your relationship with whomever it is. And um,
Speaker 1: I mean it's great that you too, obviously were able
Speaker 1: to to kind of walk into each other's lives in
Speaker 1: such a unique fashion and figure that all out. Um,
Speaker 1: but beyond that, but sorry, beyond that. So what is
Speaker 1: like once you guys moved to Los Angeles? You guys
Speaker 1: are going to again kind of continue your careers. But
Speaker 1: what does like a typical day look like between the
Speaker 1: two of you? I know, you guys have been traveling
Speaker 1: a lot together. Um, I think like the press circuit
Speaker 1: is pretty much done with but I still see you guys, Um,
Speaker 1: you know, driving around a lot. What do you what
Speaker 1: do you guys typically like to do together that keeps
Speaker 1: things interesting? The other night, you know, we hung out
Speaker 1: with friends. You know, went out and had a nice
Speaker 1: little uh like time dinner with friends, and then we
Speaker 1: went dancing afterwards. Uh we broke it down pretty pretty well.
Speaker 1: I love dancing. Yeah, gotta I gotta do you suggest
Speaker 1: giving the dating advice that I should learn how to dance?
Speaker 1: I think that I really should learn how to dance.
Speaker 1: Oh you. Every every woman loves the guy, Yes, every
Speaker 1: single time Brian came back from a day, he was like,
Speaker 1: I was just dancing with dat. I'm like, you, you
Speaker 1: smooth son of a gun. Meanwhile, even that great of
Speaker 1: a dancer, I just you just gotta yourself. Don't be modest.
Speaker 1: I heard some stories he's not just one signature move.
Speaker 1: You just did one signature move steps to Rachel taught
Speaker 1: me on a two step. I already forgot how to
Speaker 1: do it. Here I am dancing on stage at a
Speaker 1: Russell Dickerson concert with hundreds of people looking on. I
Speaker 1: have no idea what I'm doing. I'm like burning up
Speaker 1: there to country music. You just started. You just started
Speaker 1: stazzing out, and I was like, all right, We'll just
Speaker 1: go with it. I wasn't fighter flat mode. I went
Speaker 1: into panic mode, all right. So that's what that's what
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take from this. I need to learn how
Speaker 1: to dance a sap do, Brian. Another question for you,
Speaker 1: how do you find yourself dealing with fellow cast members
Speaker 1: from the season. I think that you've done a great
Speaker 1: job of kind of maintaining a lot of the friendships,
Speaker 1: especially with like Well or Josiah or you know that
Speaker 1: the Fluridians, but is it awkward for you at all to,
Speaker 1: I guess maintain the friendships with with the cast members
Speaker 1: from our season. I mean, dude, honestly, going into the season,
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously my main focus was Rachel, but you know,
Speaker 1: coming out of all this, I definitely wanted to be
Speaker 1: friends with you guys, like I wanted to establish a
Speaker 1: lot lifetime friendship with with guys on the show. I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, obviously you talked to some guys more than others,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I mean I'm in a little bit of
Speaker 1: a unique situation, you know, being with Rachel. So it's
Speaker 1: not like we can, you know, go have boys nights
Speaker 1: every weekend or whatnot. But yeah, I definitely try to
Speaker 1: maintain a relationship with everybody, and now you know, I
Speaker 1: intend to have a relationship with you, Ma Man, and uh,
Speaker 1: you know how with everybody, you know, whenever I'm in
Speaker 1: their city or they're in mind. I definitely wouldn't mind
Speaker 1: hanging out with with a lot of the guys in
Speaker 1: the show, you know, like like you just mentioned Will, Josiah, Matt, Adam,
Speaker 1: Eric you. I mean, you know, there's a there's a
Speaker 1: lot of guys that you know, I definitely grew fond
Speaker 1: bond of on the show. Well, especially with you guys
Speaker 1: moved out to l A. I think it's going to
Speaker 1: be great, and I think that there's a little bit
Speaker 1: of sourness that gets put into it, right. I mean,
Speaker 1: we all go on the show for Rachel, right, and
Speaker 1: you were the one that walked away with essentially the
Speaker 1: ultimate prize, and so at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: we're maybe a little bit resentful of that. But I
Speaker 1: think that once we all move on and look past that. Obviously,
Speaker 1: you know, we all have a very very similar characteristics
Speaker 1: that are are basically the basis for our friendship. And um, again,
Speaker 1: I think you've done a great job of being in
Speaker 1: that situation because it's it's difficult. You know, you you're
Speaker 1: friends with essentially ten to fifteen guys that have dated
Speaker 1: your fiance. Well well I guess you were dating here too,
Speaker 1: which is just a weird thing to even think about.
Speaker 1: But um, all right, Well, don't want to take up
Speaker 1: too much more, you guys time. Um, you guys are amazing.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for for calling in and you know,
Speaker 1: giving us a little bit more insight into what makes
Speaker 1: you guys such a great couple. And um, your daily
Speaker 1: lives and I can't wait for you guys to get
Speaker 1: to l A. And we'll definitely have to to grab
Speaker 1: lunch of dinners, some drink some time, and um, I
Speaker 1: gotta figure out that two step and oh gosh, man,
Speaker 1: well we'll double man, we'll double day. That'll be the day,
Speaker 1: That'll be the day, all right, Rachel, Yeah, Hey, I'll
Speaker 1: be honest, I think you were. You were a little
Speaker 1: too nice to me this one call, which I appreciate,
Speaker 1: but um, you guys are amazing again, Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for calling in. Thank you for the time. And
Speaker 1: once you guys get to Los Angeles, give me a
Speaker 1: give me a call and wall I'll be sure to
Speaker 1: kick it. Thanks for having man, all right, take care guys.
Speaker 1: Bye bye, dude. And you were shaking still a cold,
Speaker 1: Drew just coursing through my veins. I'm pretty sure my
Speaker 1: b a c of coffee is like a point to
Speaker 1: five right now. They were incredible. I mean I think
Speaker 1: that they have a good report with each other. It's difficult, obviously,
Speaker 1: when it's a three way call and you're not in
Speaker 1: the same room and you know you're not sure who's
Speaker 1: supposed to talk first. But I think it's very clear
Speaker 1: here to see that they have a very genuine interest
Speaker 1: in each other, and um, they're very dedicated to to
Speaker 1: making the relationship work. And I think to Rachel and
Speaker 1: Brian's point, I think that's one of the most important things,
Speaker 1: is just the willingness or the desire to to make
Speaker 1: any relationship work. I mean, like they said, they'll have
Speaker 1: their little arguments, but at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: if you're willing to look past that and and kind
Speaker 1: of see the bigger picture that this is someone that
Speaker 1: you can spend the rest of your life with and
Speaker 1: be happy with, I think that's the most important thing.
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Speaker 1: dot Com. Keyword Dean d eat a n so throughout
Speaker 1: this in our journey of me hoping to improve it dating.
Speaker 1: I've taken it upon myself to reach out to ex girlfriends,
Speaker 1: people have used to date and the very first love
Speaker 1: of my life, Carmel. I won't se your last name. Carmel.
Speaker 1: Who's on the phone now, Carmel? How are you? How
Speaker 1: are you well? I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Thanks
Speaker 1: for taking the time to chat with me today. It's
Speaker 1: actually I was just talking about how it's been so
Speaker 1: long I feel like since you and I have talked
Speaker 1: on the phone. Not ten years, maybe like seven or
Speaker 1: eight years, but a long time. Nonetheless, Um, dude, I
Speaker 1: was walking down the stairs dance and I like, ours
Speaker 1: all right, we'll take a second, take a second. I'll
Speaker 1: talk a little bit, just to kind of give you
Speaker 1: us a second to to get your wits and your
Speaker 1: your breath back. So I was just telling them how
Speaker 1: you were basically the first love of my life, how
Speaker 1: we dated in high school for I think it was
Speaker 1: like a year and a half, right, Um, I I
Speaker 1: embarrassingly admitted that you are the out owner of my
Speaker 1: V card and I know we talked about this a
Speaker 1: little bit via text. So this whole podcast is about
Speaker 1: me and and the listeners to to be better at dating, right,
Speaker 1: And I think no better than anyone to to speak
Speaker 1: to how I was as a boyfriend than you, because
Speaker 1: you really were in there and entrenched to date me
Speaker 1: throughout those you know, couple, what year and a half
Speaker 1: whatever it was that we were in high school and
Speaker 1: for the listeners. So again, Carmel, I dated I want
Speaker 1: to say, June sophomore, junior of high school. Carmel then
Speaker 1: went to Sweden on a student exchange program for about
Speaker 1: a year and that's kind of how it fizzled out
Speaker 1: between us, I guess, but Karma, I mean, can you
Speaker 1: speak a little bit too about what it was like
Speaker 1: I guess to be my girlfriend, as weird as that sounds,
Speaker 1: and like maybe what you could see in my dating
Speaker 1: habits back then that I could do better at anything
Speaker 1: like that. Um, I don't know. We're like best friends before,
Speaker 1: so that made it really easy and well we'll be
Speaker 1: but out door worrk uh No. I'm really easy to
Speaker 1: talk to you about stuff. And I don't know, if
Speaker 1: you look at the day someone find the best friend first,
Speaker 1: that worked out pretty well. So that's what I keep
Speaker 1: saying to everyone too. I feel like that doesn't really
Speaker 1: seem to be the main trend though. I mean, I
Speaker 1: guess Eastern and Mark, the two producers in the room
Speaker 1: right now, they were friends with their um girlfriends and
Speaker 1: now lives before dating them. But I think it's important
Speaker 1: to have a friendship before you dive into a romantic
Speaker 1: relationship as well, because it worked so well with us,
Speaker 1: and we never fought. We never fought, I mean we
Speaker 1: did what we did one time. I remember one time
Speaker 1: we fought, yes. And I think that part of the
Speaker 1: reason that I you and I grew so close was
Speaker 1: you knew me during such a tumultuous time, right through
Speaker 1: the passing of my mother. You were there for me,
Speaker 1: and you you never really wavered, and you were were
Speaker 1: constantly a supportive person in my life during that time.
Speaker 1: And I think that was, you know, very important for me.
Speaker 1: And and I think that really just speaks to your character.
Speaker 1: I think you want to to have everyone's best interested
Speaker 1: in mine, and you want to just be a good
Speaker 1: person all around. And I think that, as embarrassing as
Speaker 1: it is to sound, I think that I took a
Speaker 1: lot from that because, um, you know, even though you
Speaker 1: can be an idiot sometimes I think you have, you
Speaker 1: have everyone's best intentions in mind, right, No, of course,
Speaker 1: I mean absolutely. Um, we're two stupid idiots. That did
Speaker 1: other people think, Karmelo, you gotta stop cursing girl. Come on,
Speaker 1: I guess I could have told you that beforehand. But no,
Speaker 1: I mean so beyond that. I don't think you watched
Speaker 1: either The Bachelor or Bachelor in Paradise to you, No,
Speaker 1: I watch football, man, I mean good good. That's part
Speaker 1: of the reason we got along so well, because I
Speaker 1: didn't watch Um, and I think. Okay, so are you're
Speaker 1: not dating anyone now, are you? I am? Oh, you
Speaker 1: are that same guy you've been dating for six years? Nice? Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: I mean I should be able to give you advice.
Speaker 1: It's been seven and a half actually seven and a
Speaker 1: half years. Congratulations, that's a long time. Um. Okay, my
Speaker 1: bringing it back to us, I guess, because I guess
Speaker 1: that has to be the central idea of this entire conversation.
Speaker 1: It's going to get awkward. I'm sorry, but I know
Speaker 1: you really don't care about that. UM, tell us about
Speaker 1: I don't actually don't. I don't want to ask you
Speaker 1: that you have to talk about. Let's talk about how
Speaker 1: our relationships started, right, So what okay, all right, Okay,
Speaker 1: go for it. Okay, you well, well, like when we
Speaker 1: were friends, going out like every day freshman year, let's
Speaker 1: talk about when we started to get intimate with each other. Okay, Um,
Speaker 1: that was when I came back from Hawaii when my
Speaker 1: mom got married, and you asked Jovanni to ask me out,
Speaker 1: and then that was pretty much instantly. I right after that,
Speaker 1: you think instantly, I just remember, do you remember Rachel's
Speaker 1: house party over the summer's That's that's when things kind
Speaker 1: of kicked off for us, I guess, at least in mind.
Speaker 1: But yeah, so I guess what made you want to
Speaker 1: sue a romantic relationship with me? I know, for mine,
Speaker 1: for for me? I mean, I think that it was
Speaker 1: a secret that I was pretty much head over heels
Speaker 1: in love with you from for a long long time.
Speaker 1: Right yeah, oh, come on, don't even dude, I had
Speaker 1: a fourth grade Yeah. I think that there was always
Speaker 1: like a cat and mouse game that we played. You
Speaker 1: were dating someone for a while, um, and it was
Speaker 1: weird as kind of like a forbidden love because my
Speaker 1: oldest brother was dating her oldest sister and it was
Speaker 1: kind of like that was kind of awkward. Um, but no, okay,
Speaker 1: So beyond that, I guess was it was it like
Speaker 1: an extra burden for you to kind of be there
Speaker 1: for me during the difficulties that I had to deal
Speaker 1: with while my mother was dealing with her illness. Not
Speaker 1: at all. Actually, I mean when Debbie passed and um,
Speaker 1: you actually stayed at night with us a lot in
Speaker 1: the sun room, remember, And I thought, you know, I
Speaker 1: like to ask you questions about her, like because I
Speaker 1: didn't even know her as well as Mario did. And
Speaker 1: I mean I've met her a few times, but I
Speaker 1: felt like the more I got you to talk about it,
Speaker 1: the better you felt, and then the more fun we had.
Speaker 1: But I mean, I knew that nothing was ever going
Speaker 1: to replace her at all, but I thought it was
Speaker 1: just really healthy for you to have an outlet. And
Speaker 1: beyond all that, too, I think that you were kind
Speaker 1: of an outlet when my father was making me angry
Speaker 1: because I would have constantly run away from home and
Speaker 1: essentially spend Yeah, oh my gosh. Again, I know you
Speaker 1: haven't watched the season, but he's in one of the episodes,
Speaker 1: and I think you get kicked out of it Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: that was what I think. So Dean didn't have his
Speaker 1: mom was gone, his dad was being, you know, not
Speaker 1: a father figure. And so when I'd say in that
Speaker 1: Deane's house, you know, he's the youngest. All his older
Speaker 1: siblings are gone, Chip is gone, his mom is gone.
Speaker 1: But I wasn't there. You know, It's like you'd be
Speaker 1: there about yourself, nobody to cookie dinner or nothing. So
Speaker 1: and I think that that drew that added to the
Speaker 1: connection that we had, and it kind of strengthened our relationship.
Speaker 1: I remember even. I think it was one spring when
Speaker 1: I was a junior in high school, I got like
Speaker 1: a gnarly concussion when I was skiing or something like that,
Speaker 1: and the first responder was Carmel. As she came to
Speaker 1: the you had to put up with me and you
Speaker 1: got to like pour what was hudro peroxide over all
Speaker 1: my cuts, and I was like being unconscious, like ridiculous person.
Speaker 1: Every two seconds you look at your arm was bleed
Speaker 1: and you're like, what happens? I tell you again, and
Speaker 1: you're looking at like what happened? And it was fine,
Speaker 1: But like after five hours, I was like, dude, let's
Speaker 1: just watch the Nuggets game. And I think that's what
Speaker 1: was unique AboutUs is because we had a great friendship
Speaker 1: and then you kind of were like that that enforcer
Speaker 1: in my life, like kind of like the maternal figure. Um,
Speaker 1: and maybe that's what I need moving forward to I think, Um,
Speaker 1: you know, obviously you've moved on, moved on. I mean,
Speaker 1: you've been dating your boyfriend for seven and a half years,
Speaker 1: which is great. Um. I have not really been so
Speaker 1: lucky in my dating woes to to find someone that
Speaker 1: I've been with for seven years. But um, well, is
Speaker 1: that what you want? Do you want? You want to? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think at the end of the day. I think
Speaker 1: at the end of day, everyone's kind of looking for
Speaker 1: that person that can spend the rest of their life with, right, Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: But I mean you need to have somebody, Okay, you specifically,
Speaker 1: you need to have somebody that is going to know
Speaker 1: that everyone has a task and that passed has definitely
Speaker 1: shaped who you are and some days you're gonna miss
Speaker 1: your mom a lot more than other days, and they
Speaker 1: need to be there for you. You need to find
Speaker 1: somebody that you know whole support, especially with your dad,
Speaker 1: and so going back, maybe maybe that aside just in
Speaker 1: terms of as far as boyfriends go. Was I a
Speaker 1: good boyfriend to you? Yeah? You maybe laugh. We did
Speaker 1: random stuff together. You always did what I wanted to do,
Speaker 1: even if it's stupid, but it was mostly stupid. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because it's my ideas well? Right right? Do you think
Speaker 1: that had you not gone to Sweden? What do you
Speaker 1: think would have happened in our relationship? And to give
Speaker 1: the listeners a little bit more insight, so Karmen went
Speaker 1: to Sweden for a year during senior year of high
Speaker 1: school on a foreign exchange program. By the time she
Speaker 1: got back, I was leaving for my freshman year of college. Um,
Speaker 1: what do you think would be different had you not
Speaker 1: gone to Sweden? Not to say that you regret that
Speaker 1: by any means, because I know you had an amazing
Speaker 1: time in Sweden. Um, I don't know. I think the
Speaker 1: main reason whybably broke up is just because our paths
Speaker 1: on separate ways. You wanted to go to college, I
Speaker 1: had to travel and party, and we didn't really maturely.
Speaker 1: We didn't fight about it, we didn't do anything. We
Speaker 1: just kind of whin our separate ways. Um. I don't
Speaker 1: I still I don't know. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: would have had it to travel as much because I
Speaker 1: just got back from Sweden, so I was like, I
Speaker 1: gotta go, go go. I think you've always kind of
Speaker 1: had that bug, which is good. Um when you left
Speaker 1: for Sweden, I remember you were planning on leaving to
Speaker 1: Sweden for a while, right, And that was basically the
Speaker 1: trenches of our relationship, right. We were like very hot
Speaker 1: and into it and whatever it was. And I remember
Speaker 1: the day that you officially ended up leaving, browd was
Speaker 1: over there to say goodbye to you as well. And
Speaker 1: as I said that final goodbye, I was driving away
Speaker 1: in my car with Brad sitting right next to me,
Speaker 1: my brother, and I like literally had to pull over
Speaker 1: the side of the road because I sat there and
Speaker 1: sobbed for like ten minutes. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: ever told you that, but I literally did it, and
Speaker 1: I swear to God, and I just felt so bad
Speaker 1: for my brother because he must have been so uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: But I literally had to pull the car over. I
Speaker 1: sat there and I was like I'm sorry, like I
Speaker 1: just need a second. And I was like literally like
Speaker 1: bawling my eyes out for like ten minutes because at
Speaker 1: the end of the day. I mean, I did love you,
Speaker 1: and I knew that I wasn't gonna be able to
Speaker 1: get a year after that. Yeah, and that was actually
Speaker 1: a big issue when I was gone for a whole year.
Speaker 1: That whole time I was gone, I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: it's been a year. I haven't talked to him because
Speaker 1: there's no Facebook and stuff like that. Back then, I
Speaker 1: mean emailed each other. But when I came back, I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, over him, and I don't get back
Speaker 1: together with him because it was really hard. And um,
Speaker 1: I really tried hard, not just like to kind of
Speaker 1: agoge you when I came back so I could move
Speaker 1: one yet that did it. But I do remember. I
Speaker 1: do remember we would maybe exchange one email per day,
Speaker 1: and they were like these long novels, and like every
Speaker 1: single day I would constantly refresh my email just to see, like,
Speaker 1: had you been emailing me. I don't know, it's funny
Speaker 1: to talk about because obviously that's so so long ago.
Speaker 1: And um, whenever I tell people that, you know, I
Speaker 1: really the only love that I've ever been in my
Speaker 1: entire life was with a girl that I did in
Speaker 1: high school, people are like, oh, you were sixteen seventeen
Speaker 1: years old doesn't necessarily account. But at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, what I think it was, it was a feeling.
Speaker 1: It wasn't necessarily age thing rightly, No, I think we're
Speaker 1: really immature about it. And we had a lot of
Speaker 1: fun and I don't know, it was different. It was different,
Speaker 1: but different is good. I think at the end of
Speaker 1: day we can say different. Um, all right, Carmelo, I
Speaker 1: know you're at work. I don't want to take up
Speaker 1: too much more of your time. You're amazing and I
Speaker 1: know this has kind of happened on a whim. Um,
Speaker 1: thank you. Thank you for taking the time to jump
Speaker 1: on the phone and talk about our awkward relationship when
Speaker 1: we were seventeen years old. All right, Well, you're awesome.
Speaker 1: Take care. I'll talk to you soon, alright later, alright.
Speaker 1: By transitioning from my high school ex girlfriend to Shari Healy,
Speaker 1: who is a life coach, Um, I helps dozens of
Speaker 1: people on a daily basis to to not only improve
Speaker 1: their life, but be happier and and just kind of
Speaker 1: you know, be better right soul read, Do you mind
Speaker 1: introducing yourself telling us a little bit about you? Sure? Hi? Everyone, Hey, Dean,
Speaker 1: Um I call myself a possibilitarian, so it helps people
Speaker 1: understand them a little bit more of the difference between
Speaker 1: what is a life coach and what's a therapist and
Speaker 1: what do you do for me? So being a possibilitarian,
Speaker 1: I believe that anything truly is possible, and it's the
Speaker 1: hardest thing for me to watch people hold back in life,
Speaker 1: not becoming who they're here to be or do what
Speaker 1: they're here to do. So the bottom line is I
Speaker 1: help people get what they want, So you help people
Speaker 1: unlock their true potential. It sounds like, yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: think we all have limitless potential and we usually just
Speaker 1: get stuck, right. We hold back because we have fears
Speaker 1: and doubts. And it sounds like that's a theme for you.
Speaker 1: Was what was coming up in your last call um,
Speaker 1: holding back, having walls around our heart and and not
Speaker 1: wanting to really open up and be who we truly are. Well,
Speaker 1: so how do you help someone get through that then,
Speaker 1: because there definitely is a certain level of fear to
Speaker 1: opening up to someone because when you're that vulnerable, right,
Speaker 1: you're kind of setting yourself up to be hurt more.
Speaker 1: At least that's the way I look at it. So
Speaker 1: how do you help someone kind of push through that mindset. Yeah,
Speaker 1: well that is one potential, right, You could get hurt,
Speaker 1: and that's a risk that we have to take in love.
Speaker 1: Love is messy, right, But the payoff I see is
Speaker 1: greater connection, greater intimacy. Right. That's that's the real game
Speaker 1: we're playing. Is I think if I win at this,
Speaker 1: I'll actually get closer to this person than anyone I've
Speaker 1: ever been to if I if I open up enough.
Speaker 1: So I think that's the way to kind of shortcut
Speaker 1: the fear is to say, I'm going to take this
Speaker 1: risk knowing that a I'm not going to die, you know,
Speaker 1: like we have to talk about what the real risk is.
Speaker 1: You're not going to die, but yes, could you get
Speaker 1: your feelings hurt? Could you feel rejected as lutely? So?
Speaker 1: Your greater reason is deep love? Right of course. And
Speaker 1: here's another issue that I have with that. I think
Speaker 1: that fear aside, because there is definitely a certain level
Speaker 1: of fear too. I just think that telling my story
Speaker 1: is boring for whoever is listening to it. I feel like,
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't want to sit there and
Speaker 1: talk about myself for an extended period of time when
Speaker 1: I don't even find the story interesting, So how could
Speaker 1: I expect someone else too? And that's why I constantly
Speaker 1: deflect with questions about the other person, because I'm more
Speaker 1: interested in them telling me their story than me telling
Speaker 1: them my story. Right. Well, see, you just got to
Speaker 1: a really cool truth about yourself. You actually genuinely just
Speaker 1: want to give, right, you want to give to her.
Speaker 1: You want to, you know, do more for someone else,
Speaker 1: which is a really great intention. And if you flip
Speaker 1: it a little bit and know that what your story
Speaker 1: does for a woman or somebody that you are trying
Speaker 1: to connect with is the more depth and range you have,
Speaker 1: the more emotional capacity, the rd er she can open up.
Speaker 1: So it's like we have this weird way of kind
Speaker 1: of like following your lead, right, And if you come
Speaker 1: in like with this ability to really take down your
Speaker 1: walls and show her yourself, then she will too. I
Speaker 1: guess another issue I have it, Well, we're talking about it.
Speaker 1: I'll just I'll keep talking about the issues that I
Speaker 1: experienced in any relationship. I don't want to be treated
Speaker 1: differently for sake of pity or someone feeling sorry for me.
Speaker 1: So by sharing a story of losing my mother when
Speaker 1: I'm fifteen, or uh, some trial or tribulation that I
Speaker 1: had to go through at some certain age that made
Speaker 1: me who I am now. It's it's kind of setting
Speaker 1: someone up to be like, oh, I'm going to treat
Speaker 1: him this way because he had a hard time then,
Speaker 1: and I don't want that to happen. I want someone
Speaker 1: to either you know, like me or dislike me for
Speaker 1: the person I am now, not the person that I
Speaker 1: was before. Yeah, and I get that. Your your belief
Speaker 1: is that if I do this, we instantly get to
Speaker 1: go to the pity, and that's so emasculating. You don't
Speaker 1: need that. So I think it's more important to tell
Speaker 1: the story as like I'm going to share this with
Speaker 1: you because I want you to know me, or I
Speaker 1: want you to be closer to me. And you can
Speaker 1: be very clear, I don't need anything from you. I
Speaker 1: just want you to know me. This is something that
Speaker 1: I hold. It can sometimes have me close up, It
Speaker 1: can make me not always be as open as i'd
Speaker 1: like to. And then there's this cool option that she
Speaker 1: has to say, hey, babe, are you doing that closing
Speaker 1: down thing? And she can learn how to bring your
Speaker 1: walls down, Like we heard your your love language is
Speaker 1: touch right. Yeah, so you guys could have a shortcut
Speaker 1: where she knows that if she just touches you enough,
Speaker 1: but maybe some of the walls will come back down.
Speaker 1: You know, it's just good to know where our triggers are.
Speaker 1: I think that's a super generous way to be in relationship,
Speaker 1: to let somebody know where your land mines are and
Speaker 1: what your patterns are. You know, it's ultimately your responsibility
Speaker 1: to deal with them. But if somebody comes in and
Speaker 1: loves you, she's saying, look, I'm gonna tread lightly around me. Okay, gotcha?
Speaker 1: Also all right, so again we're here with Shriekhie life
Speaker 1: coach slash possibilitarian. All right, so s I guess my
Speaker 1: follow up question is are you possibilitarian or life coach
Speaker 1: with relationships or does it span all genres of life?
Speaker 1: I guess, oh yeah, now it's all things. I think.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm not the girl that anybody can really
Speaker 1: put into a box. You don't put baby into a corner,
Speaker 1: and so you know, in this business, everybody wants to
Speaker 1: put you in a box and say do you do work?
Speaker 1: Do you do relationships do you do you know this
Speaker 1: or that? And I think they're all connected. You know,
Speaker 1: if I'm going to talk to you about your career,
Speaker 1: no doubt, we're going to talk about how you're showing
Speaker 1: up in your relationships and vice versa. So it's it's
Speaker 1: kind of all of it, gotcha. I love that? Okay?
Speaker 1: Well so, and I think that's good too, because I
Speaker 1: kind of think that gives you the ability to touch
Speaker 1: a lot more people in a lot more ways, right,
Speaker 1: instead of kind of, like you said, putting yourself in
Speaker 1: a box. Yeah. And I'm just I'm so fascinated and
Speaker 1: obsessed with life in general and all the things. So
Speaker 1: I've studied my face off from my whole life in
Speaker 1: every area, so I have this way of just I
Speaker 1: have tools for everything. Like you and I could talk
Speaker 1: for hours, I'm sure. So it's all good. Great, Okay,
Speaker 1: well so sure, So on that note, then, do you
Speaker 1: mind if we move over to some emails that some
Speaker 1: listeners had submitted and we can maybe diagnosed from there. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: So I have one here from Kayla, and what she
Speaker 1: says is, Dean, I have been involved with the same
Speaker 1: guy for two years now. We basically act like we're dating,
Speaker 1: but we just say that we're friends. Everything with him
Speaker 1: and I as a secret to his family, but to
Speaker 1: family weren't open. I'm sorry to my family, weren't open. Book.
Speaker 1: I always get worried that he's out with another girl
Speaker 1: or doing something to hurt me. I'm just so sick
Speaker 1: of wasting time on somebody who keeps me a secret constantly.
Speaker 1: Any advice on what to do for this? And she
Speaker 1: alolly have the floor with this one. Yeah, Well my
Speaker 1: first instinct is to say, how does this make her feel?
Speaker 1: To constantly be held as a secret. And there's there's
Speaker 1: an optimal mode for women, and there's an optimal mode
Speaker 1: for men, and the optimal mode for us as women
Speaker 1: is that we're self expressed, meaning we can be ourselves,
Speaker 1: we can be out there, we have freedom right to
Speaker 1: just stay and do and be whoever we are. And
Speaker 1: she's basically just to build out exactly what we were
Speaker 1: just talking about, being held in a box. And so
Speaker 1: she's in a win and a lose lose really because
Speaker 1: she'll never get to a place where she can be
Speaker 1: fully self expressed because he's holding her completely back. Why hide, right?
Speaker 1: So I'm not sure what she's getting out of it.
Speaker 1: You know, she's never going to be able to fully
Speaker 1: show him all of her, and he will never be
Speaker 1: able to love all of hers. So I think what
Speaker 1: we do in order to play safe is we settle
Speaker 1: for last. Right, she's settling for very little. I agree.
Speaker 1: I think that she needs to step up and do
Speaker 1: something about it, whether it's encourage him to introduce her
Speaker 1: to the family, or even just remove herself from the
Speaker 1: situation if she's uncomfortable, if she's not happy, which it
Speaker 1: clearly sounds like she's not all right. So some having
Speaker 1: on to the next one. This is kind of contradictory
Speaker 1: to to my problem is this one's from Emma? She says,
Speaker 1: my major problem is that I get attached way too quick,
Speaker 1: and maybe I tend to overshare and be a little
Speaker 1: overwhelming very quickly into the relationship. When is it okay
Speaker 1: to start having personal conversations as a person. I come
Speaker 1: with a lot of personal baggage, uh family issues, and
Speaker 1: I feel like if someone wants to date me, they
Speaker 1: have to the right to know all I am carrying
Speaker 1: on my back. How should I go about it? Help? Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you have any thoughts on that? First well, I mean,
Speaker 1: I know what I do, but clearly it's not necessarily
Speaker 1: the right way to go about it. Is I just
Speaker 1: kind of keep it under the swept under the carpet, right.
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily overshare initially, um, because again I don't
Speaker 1: want to to kind of overburden the relationship too early on.
Speaker 1: So what do you think, right? Right? Well, okay, here's
Speaker 1: my role for dating sort fast. I think it's really
Speaker 1: important to just put it on the table know each
Speaker 1: other as quickly as possible so that you can move
Speaker 1: on to the next person. Right, So, she wants to
Speaker 1: put it out there, and I think here's this tricky
Speaker 1: thing with guys. You know, if she puts it all
Speaker 1: out there and she looks like a lost soul and
Speaker 1: a giant victim because she's got so much happening in
Speaker 1: her life, then it's going to take a special guy
Speaker 1: who wants to come in and save her or help
Speaker 1: her solve that problem. Most guys, really early on, not
Speaker 1: knowing you that well, are going to go, oh, that
Speaker 1: seems like a lot of drama or baggage that I
Speaker 1: don't know if I can handle. So the way to
Speaker 1: share it in a way that's not scary is to
Speaker 1: think about. There's sort of three aspects of a woman
Speaker 1: that men are looking for, and ultimately, when you meet
Speaker 1: a woman who has all three, you know you you
Speaker 1: have to have her. So it's really coming across as
Speaker 1: a woman who's got it all together as uh, having
Speaker 1: a maternal side like a mother's side, lover side which
Speaker 1: is that sexy part, and a queen like I got
Speaker 1: it together, I got my world, I've got this handled.
Speaker 1: So she's us right, and so she has all of
Speaker 1: those and that she's nurturing and she's got the sexy
Speaker 1: and she's got her act together. She can say, look
Speaker 1: from a really vulnerable place, this is my reality, this
Speaker 1: is what I've got going on, and be open in
Speaker 1: a way that is strong and you know, also willing
Speaker 1: to receive from you and how you might come in
Speaker 1: and help her. I think there's a great opportunity to
Speaker 1: get really close in that conversation. It's just she's got
Speaker 1: to have two feet on the ground when she shares it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can get behind that idea. I think that's that
Speaker 1: definitely makes some sense. Yeah, alright, so moving on to
Speaker 1: the next one. And sure I don't necessarily know the
Speaker 1: range of your the people that you help, right in
Speaker 1: terms of age, So this one is coming from anonymous um,
Speaker 1: and Audrey actually has the same problem as well. She says,
Speaker 1: I've been dating this guy that I feel like really
Speaker 1: sucks at communicating and I can attest, I mean I
Speaker 1: can I can empathize with that. When I tried to
Speaker 1: bring up the talk about where he sees this going
Speaker 1: or what he wants out of this, he says, I
Speaker 1: see myself in a relationship with you someday. What does
Speaker 1: someday mean? And will you help her out? And I
Speaker 1: guess this kind of is more centric to like the
Speaker 1: millennial fan base, right, because I think that as you
Speaker 1: skew younger and younger, you tend to see this type
Speaker 1: of behavior in in these people. Right, Someone that may
Speaker 1: be as as um Audrey says, as wants to have
Speaker 1: their cake and eat it too, right, UM, So what
Speaker 1: kind of advice do you have for that? Do you
Speaker 1: do you want this person or would you recommend, you know,
Speaker 1: continuing to spin their wheels and hoping for the best,
Speaker 1: or is it may be better to to kind of
Speaker 1: remove themselves at that point? Well, there's sort of two
Speaker 1: parts you have to think about What is a woman
Speaker 1: asking for when she says I want somebody who's really
Speaker 1: good at communicating. She's asking for safety and certainty. She
Speaker 1: wants to know where you stand, she wants to know
Speaker 1: where the relationship is. She's asking for a container. Right.
Speaker 1: So if a guy can come in and say, like,
Speaker 1: I can love the hell out of you tonight, and
Speaker 1: that's all I got, that's your container, and she can
Speaker 1: spread out and that if she wants, or she can
Speaker 1: say no, I need more than that, all right, So
Speaker 1: good communicator says like, this is what I can give you.
Speaker 1: And I think what we find with the younger ones
Speaker 1: is it's helpful to know the stages of development for men.
Speaker 1: So when you're dealing with a millennial, right, or somebody
Speaker 1: in the ages of like their twenties anywhere from like
Speaker 1: thirteen to twenties, they're in this phase is called being
Speaker 1: a night. Like if if you think about the phases,
Speaker 1: it's from birth to thirteen you're a page, and then
Speaker 1: thirteen to the late twenties you become a night, and
Speaker 1: then early thirties up intol like forty five, you're a prince,
Speaker 1: and then ultimately you become a queen, a king, seen
Speaker 1: you totally can so. But in but in that night
Speaker 1: phase where the millennials are right, the only thing that
Speaker 1: is paramount to most. I mean this is making a generalization,
Speaker 1: but it's fun. It's done an adventure like think about
Speaker 1: a night right, It's about going out of the forest
Speaker 1: and exploring. And if she looks like she might be
Speaker 1: a fun companion, then he's going to want to hang
Speaker 1: around with her. He's going to want to be with her. Right,
Speaker 1: but someday, he's referring to, I'm going to get serious
Speaker 1: when I become a prince and I'm not there yet,
Speaker 1: and I can't give you that yet. He which is fair.
Speaker 1: She's got to be cool with where he's at, or
Speaker 1: date somebody older who has more to give. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: that's that's great advice. I guess I've neverally thought of
Speaker 1: life in stages like that, but I can see where
Speaker 1: you're coming from. All right, should you have one? More
Speaker 1: users submitted I'm sorry listeners submitted email for you, and
Speaker 1: this one's from Abby. She says, I've heard of the
Speaker 1: three date rule and even the five date rule, but
Speaker 1: I have trouble following rules. I mean I do too
Speaker 1: as well. I guess, so, Yeah, if I'm attracted to
Speaker 1: a person and the first date is going well, am
Speaker 1: I supposed to wait to sleep with them? Even though
Speaker 1: I want to. I don't think that I would want
Speaker 1: to be with a guy whose respect for me depends
Speaker 1: on me playing hard to get. Would you respect a
Speaker 1: woman less if she slept with you on your first date?
Speaker 1: I guess to flip it, like, would you think that
Speaker 1: a man and who's dating would respect a woman less
Speaker 1: for sleeping with them on the first date? Yeah, what
Speaker 1: do you think you're the man? I think that if
Speaker 1: there's I never would advise it, I would never condone it.
Speaker 1: But I think that there if there's an incredible spark
Speaker 1: there and you're acting on your instinct and it feels right,
Speaker 1: I think that it's perfect, perfectly permissible. Right, Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think it is. I asked this question to relationship expert
Speaker 1: literally last year. David Data is really well known author,
Speaker 1: incredible human, and I asked him, there's a very same question,
Speaker 1: so we'll we'll give you what he said. He said,
Speaker 1: rules are from morons, and I totally died laughing, And
Speaker 1: I thought, that's the best thing I've ever heard. Because
Speaker 1: I don't like rules so much either, but we get
Speaker 1: caught up in them, right because there's so many dating.
Speaker 1: And he said, if there's a real conscious connection and
Speaker 1: there's a container, you know, like I said before, if
Speaker 1: you're both very clear about what you're both willing to give,
Speaker 1: and you're showing up like wholeheartedly and it's yes for
Speaker 1: you guys, then yes, you do it. You don't hold
Speaker 1: back and you don't play games by any means. But
Speaker 1: I'll tell you where the line draws for me that
Speaker 1: there are sort of two kinds of attraction. One is
Speaker 1: pure sexual what we call chemistry, and one is more
Speaker 1: heart connection. And when you're in a pure sexual connection,
Speaker 1: it's going to cause some kind of fallout, right because
Speaker 1: you're gonna come together have sex, and then it's going
Speaker 1: to be like, oh my god, why didn't he call.
Speaker 1: Now there's all this expectation of like we need to
Speaker 1: when we need to put a label on this, we
Speaker 1: need to figure this out. Everybody goes a little like cuckoo.
Speaker 1: If if it isn't that heart connection, wherein the heart connection,
Speaker 1: he will call again and you will have more to
Speaker 1: explore and he won't disrespect you because there was more
Speaker 1: of a give you know, like I really I'm attracted
Speaker 1: to you, be on just your body. I actually want
Speaker 1: to make you happy. And and that kind of deeper
Speaker 1: connection says to me, yes, you kind of have sex
Speaker 1: right away if that's there, if it's just pure sex,
Speaker 1: it needs to be spoken about and declared before you
Speaker 1: jump in. And I think that kind of goes back
Speaker 1: to what you were saying initially, um, just about what
Speaker 1: you've been doing it. It's it's bad to put those
Speaker 1: types of things into a box. It's bad to put
Speaker 1: yourself into a box, but it might be even worse
Speaker 1: to put a relationship into a box to where you're
Speaker 1: because I mean, you have to assess everything on a
Speaker 1: case by case basis, right, You can't have one overarching
Speaker 1: rule for every relationship that you're going to be in,
Speaker 1: right right, Yeah, it's there. And that's why relationship is
Speaker 1: so hard for people because they want to just nail it.
Speaker 1: They wanted to just stay the same, right, Nothing nothing
Speaker 1: stays the same for sure. Our emotions don't write, especially
Speaker 1: with women's emotions. And and why when you are more
Speaker 1: free with yours, you know, then that storm that can
Speaker 1: constantly be changing between the two of you can get
Speaker 1: really excited and interesting. That's something that you have to
Speaker 1: be scared of, absolutely, all right, suree, Well, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for the time. Do you mind sharing your
Speaker 1: website for the listeners so they can check it out
Speaker 1: if they want to. Yeah, sure, it's sure Healy dot
Speaker 1: com and I'll spell it out. H E R I
Speaker 1: E H E A L E Y perfect. Tree. You're amazing.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for the advice. UM. Look forward
Speaker 1: to maybe having on again some time if you're willing,
Speaker 1: and I would love that. That's amazing. All right, We'll
Speaker 1: take care and we'll talk to you soon, all right,
Speaker 1: can't wait? All right? Bye bye, all right Tree Heally,
Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen. She's great. I love she seems like
Speaker 1: such a free spirit. She seems like just just a
Speaker 1: great person to hang out with. UM, and I didn't
Speaker 1: really I can relate to that on a lot of levels.
Speaker 1: I think that her mindset of not wanted to live
Speaker 1: life within the confines of structure or rules is a
Speaker 1: great way to go about it. I think that just
Speaker 1: being able to act uninhibited and do what makes you
Speaker 1: happy in acting on an impulse, well, it can be bad,
Speaker 1: sometimes can be really good, all right. So that'll just
Speaker 1: about do it. For episode three of Help I Suck
Speaker 1: at Dating? I want to give another big thank you
Speaker 1: to Shari Heally, Possibilitarian, Carmel, the first level of my
Speaker 1: life of course, Rachel Lindsay, and Brian Abasolo who so
Speaker 1: graciously agreed and talked very openly about the relationship. Now.
Speaker 1: I think that, um, it was a good episode. I
Speaker 1: think that every guest was was was awesome, and I
Speaker 1: hope to continue this streak of awesomeness. So next week
Speaker 1: we're gonna have a question do you suck at dating?
Speaker 1: If you refuse to sext? And I personally refuse to sext.
Speaker 1: I am so anti sexting, regardless of how long distance
Speaker 1: the relationship is, regardless of how long we've been apart
Speaker 1: for It's just something I don't do. It just feels
Speaker 1: dirty to me, and I I know that there are
Speaker 1: people out there that condone it and suggest it, especially
Speaker 1: for the long distance relationships. I just can't wrap my
Speaker 1: head around the idea I will. I would never ask
Speaker 1: for someone to sex to me, and I certainly would
Speaker 1: never sex to anyone else. But that's the question for
Speaker 1: next week. That's a topic. Do you suck at dating
Speaker 1: if you won't sext email us at. I suck at
Speaker 1: dating at I heeart media dot com, no spaces, no periods.
Speaker 1: I suck at a t dating at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 1: This has been Dean with help. I suck at dating.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening. I think we're making some ground here.
Speaker 1: I think we're getting somewhere. I hope you tune in
Speaker 1: next week because maybe I'll suck a little bit less
Speaker 1: at dating. Follow help. I Suck at Dating with Dean
Speaker 1: Anglert on I Heart Radio or subscribe wherever you listen
Speaker 1: to podcasts. And it was sloppy outra