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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Smith and welcome to Stephane

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Speaker 1: Never Told You production of I Heart Radio, and welcome

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Speaker 1: to another Monday Mini. I think this is this one's

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Speaker 1: going to be a shorter one, but we always say

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Speaker 1: that and it, you know, it never seems to happen.

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie some of these things. It's gonna

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Speaker 1: make me go on a rant. Oh, I love it.

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Speaker 1: I love a good rant. Um. This is actually related.

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Speaker 1: We've been talking a lot about just the general poor

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Speaker 1: quality for women when it comes to just existing online, um,

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Speaker 1: including on dating apps. So with that being said, a

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Speaker 1: bit of a content warning for some of the grossness

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Speaker 1: many women do encounter on dating apps. We're not going

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Speaker 1: to go into anything too specific, but if you've been

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Speaker 1: on a dating app puzzle woman, then I bet you

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Speaker 1: know what we're talking about, right, Yes. So the idea

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Speaker 1: for this episode came up because recently Ish it was

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Speaker 1: International a Sexuality Day and thanks to everyone who sent

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Speaker 1: me messages that was very sweet. I wasn't expecting that

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Speaker 1: and I loved it. Because I've been more open about

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Speaker 1: my sexuality, I have gotten some comments now we're not great.

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Speaker 1: So I thought we could have a bit of A

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Speaker 1: P S A here and this is for you know,

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Speaker 1: none of you because you are the best. But I

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Speaker 1: bet that even if you aren't ACE, you can relate

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Speaker 1: to some of this. Um. So I thought we could

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Speaker 1: have this moment to just sort of there are some grievances,

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Speaker 1: shut some things down. Um And if some of these

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Speaker 1: things do sound familiar to you, like you said it

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Speaker 1: or you've done it, which would surprised me, I don't

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Speaker 1: think it's our fan base, our listener base and maybe

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Speaker 1: the newer listeners trying to figure out who we are

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Speaker 1: and what we're doing. And if it does sound familiar

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Speaker 1: to you, I need you to stop. We need we will.

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Speaker 1: We're going to have it, okay, Okay, yes, getting all

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Speaker 1: riled up all I'm telling you. Okay. So with that

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Speaker 1: being said, we're gonna just run through some things that

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Speaker 1: I actually heard on International a Sexuality Day. So yes, again,

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Speaker 1: do not say these things to someone who has come

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Speaker 1: out as a sexual are I will say, don't say

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Speaker 1: them to anybody unless you write, like, have a real

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Speaker 1: good beat on this is something that they would enjoy. Yes.

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Speaker 1: So number one, you just need my big dick, right.

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Speaker 1: So that's the first thing I saw I'm angry. I am.

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Speaker 1: I am very angry, and I really am, Like, what

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Speaker 1: for any context, for any person, anyone, If it's just

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Speaker 1: a woman just rejecting you and you say this, you

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Speaker 1: deserve to be kicked in your dick. Point, Like, I know,

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Speaker 1: violence is not the way, but there are causequences to actions,

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Speaker 1: even if you're hiding behind an app, yes, or a

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Speaker 1: screen or whatever. Yes. And one thing that really bothers

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Speaker 1: me about this, And again I know, like a lot

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Speaker 1: of women can relate to this comment, whether you're a

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Speaker 1: sexual or not. It's that idea that like kind of

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Speaker 1: the gone with the wind thing. If she was being

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Speaker 1: sort of grumpy, right, he knew she to feel better,

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Speaker 1: she needed sex and it was non consensual rape essentially,

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Speaker 1: and then she feels better, um or she's doing better,

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Speaker 1: which is gross and disgusting. And like this comment seems

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Speaker 1: to imply like I will fix what is wrong with you.

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Speaker 1: You just haven't. I've got the thing that you need girl.

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Speaker 1: All so, and a lot of this this inserts violence

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Speaker 1: and harassment. There's nothing cute about this, there's nothing funny

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Speaker 1: about this, this kind of statement as a heterosexual woman

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Speaker 1: wants to make me go celibate, and I'm not correlating

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Speaker 1: that to a sexuality, just in general, just to cut

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Speaker 1: out men for peace, I know, once again, like the

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Speaker 1: stuff we're putting up with on dating apps specifically, but

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Speaker 1: like just in general, it's ridiculous. This is this is ridiculous.

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Speaker 1: That is something that unfortunately can be a thing sort

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Speaker 1: of that like conversion therapy for a sexual people. It's

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Speaker 1: often you just need to have sex with me, um,

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Speaker 1: and there has been violence from that, and some of

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Speaker 1: your listeners have written in about that. So I hate that,

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Speaker 1: hate this whole thing. Another thing I heard was all

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Speaker 1: these other men just don't know how to please you.

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Speaker 1: You just haven't had sex with me yet. I can

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Speaker 1: cure you. No, and very heateronormative who knows what I've

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Speaker 1: been up to. You don't know right, And I'm gonna say,

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Speaker 1: because you have to say that out loud, you really

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Speaker 1: haven't probably played a woman in your head because you

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Speaker 1: have thought, hey, I came, so obviously she came. That's

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Speaker 1: that's a narrative. So you are not doing any favors

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Speaker 1: to yourself. This is little dick energy. If there is

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Speaker 1: a such thing, yes, yes, And also I just hate

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Speaker 1: you know, we try to make the point all the

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Speaker 1: time that sexism hurts everybody. I hate that like having

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Speaker 1: a big dick and like pleasing a woman and this

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Speaker 1: very head of renormative sense. I guess it's equated with

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Speaker 1: your masculinity and feeling good about yourself and like we

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Speaker 1: could have a whole conversation about like the hard to

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Speaker 1: get in the conquest aspect of it. But it's just harmful.

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Speaker 1: It's harmful to everybody. So good, this is the humanizing

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Speaker 1: in every way. Yes, yes, another thing I heard. You

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Speaker 1: just can't find a partner to put up with. You

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Speaker 1: are afraid of putting yourself out there. No, So the

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Speaker 1: meaning behind this I am to ascertain, I guess is

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Speaker 1: that I am a sexual, which I guess they're saying

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Speaker 1: I'm not actually because I can't find anybody, and therefore

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Speaker 1: I'll just go about my life like this because I'm

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Speaker 1: too afraid to put myself out there. Right? Is this

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Speaker 1: the same thing as like, oh, you're you're single, and

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Speaker 1: you say you choose to be single as but it's

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Speaker 1: really because you can't find anybody. Is that the level

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Speaker 1: because once again it's easier he's single. To be honest,

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Speaker 1: let's just be real, except for like if when it

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Speaker 1: comes to finances and such, maybe not. But as a

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Speaker 1: woman in the relationship, as we've talked about the labor

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Speaker 1: that has to go through and oftentimes who it's assigned

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Speaker 1: to is statistically who was given more labor? Yeah what No. Also,

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Speaker 1: I think we've already gotten to the point that women

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Speaker 1: are are any individual are fine on their own and

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Speaker 1: have their own personality and don't need someone else to

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Speaker 1: make them who they should be. Right. Yeah, And this

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Speaker 1: is going back to like all that fearmongering we've talked

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Speaker 1: about so often a brown single women, and I feel

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Speaker 1: like when I get comments like this, the idea is

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Speaker 1: you don't realize how sad it is yet, but you're

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Speaker 1: gonna get older and you're gonna realize, like, this is

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Speaker 1: real sad discross. It's actually like none of your business again,

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Speaker 1: something's wrong with you. That's something I hear. No again,

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Speaker 1: like none of your business. I've had people try to

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Speaker 1: like diag knows to me. I had a guy tell

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Speaker 1: me once like, clearly you have trauma, which is true,

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Speaker 1: but like none of your right, that's not necessarily a

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Speaker 1: correlation that it could be, but it's not necessarily true.

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Speaker 1: There's just many of people we've talked about this as

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Speaker 1: in genetics, as in science, so you have no idea

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Speaker 1: what is underlying every thing everything a B. And this

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Speaker 1: is also very headonormative of you. Shut up. Yeah yeah,

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Speaker 1: he said it to me with like the saddest like,

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Speaker 1: oh no, you so tragic, poor thing, And I'm so

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Speaker 1: can I ask a question? I know, maybe this should

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Speaker 1: be the end of the question. But for most of

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Speaker 1: these comments from men, yes, almost all of them, they're

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Speaker 1: all from men. I feel like what I get from

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Speaker 1: women is more curiosity, which almost always is fine, Like

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Speaker 1: it's usually like an honest, genuine I'm curious, and usually

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Speaker 1: it kind of works both ways because I'll be like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I don't experience like fantasies, what is that like? Right?

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Speaker 1: So that's what I usually get from women. Almost all

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Speaker 1: of this is from men, right, So these disgusting, gross

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Speaker 1: ones that really objectify you are more from men. And again,

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Speaker 1: we know we have a sexual men and a sexual

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Speaker 1: listeners who are who identify as men, So thank you

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Speaker 1: for listening. And I know you probably have heard the

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Speaker 1: emasculating versions of this as well, so please know we

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Speaker 1: know that you do exist. Um, but of course, for

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Speaker 1: this is a perspective of a woman ass this woman

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Speaker 1: who is a sexual and queer and therefore getting these

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Speaker 1: comments from men point like obviously toxic men that need

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Speaker 1: to know they're toxic. You're toxic. If you said this

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Speaker 1: and you're listening, you're toxic. Get therapy. Keep going. Well,

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Speaker 1: that's a good segue. And I kind of mentioned this already,

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Speaker 1: but I have heard like you must have some terrible

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Speaker 1: trauma kind of pitying aspects um. And again like, yes,

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Speaker 1: none of your busin this either way, and it doesn't

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Speaker 1: undermine my sexuality, so right right, you're missing out. It

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Speaker 1: makes me so sad. No, No, I'm good. I mean

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Speaker 1: there have been some good experiences and there have been

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Speaker 1: some bad, and I kind of wish I've had that

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Speaker 1: didn't have the bad. Yeah, And you know, sometimes, like

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Speaker 1: to be totally honest, I do. I wouldn't call it

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Speaker 1: like jealousy, but sometimes I look at a couple and

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Speaker 1: they look so happy and I'm like, all that, that's sweet.

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Speaker 1: I kind of wish I could have that, And then

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Speaker 1: like you know, ten minutes later, I'm like, no, I'm good.

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Speaker 1: You know, I think it's just a natural human nature. Um,

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Speaker 1: but I've kind of come to accept for a while,

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Speaker 1: I sort of had that POMO and now I'm kind

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Speaker 1: of like, nah, you know, I'm glad, I'm happy for

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Speaker 1: people who are happy, but I'm right, yeah, And that's

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Speaker 1: the other part of that. Even if there was something

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Speaker 1: that was traumatic in your life that's not necessarily correlated

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Speaker 1: a B. If it makes you happy not to do it,

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Speaker 1: then why would you want to do it? Like, if

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Speaker 1: you know something because it's not fun for you, why

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Speaker 1: the hell would you do it? And why the hell

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Speaker 1: are you negating the fact that I have chosen, you

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Speaker 1: have chosen what makes you happy? Why are you stafforating

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Speaker 1: that I'm happy about what? Right? All of this is

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Speaker 1: about other people, That's what I'm learning, Like, all of

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Speaker 1: this is about them, and I'm just like something they're

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Speaker 1: using to make themselves feel better, projecting so much on Yes. Also,

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Speaker 1: just a quick note here, obviously I can't speak for

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Speaker 1: all a sexual people and all a sexual experiences. I'm

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Speaker 1: coming from a very personal space right now and in

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Speaker 1: my own just where I'm at right now, and I've

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Speaker 1: talked about before how I'm open to relationship. I'm just

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Speaker 1: not like, if it comes my way, I'm open to it,

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Speaker 1: but I'm not really searching for it, and it's not

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Speaker 1: a big deal for me. But plenty of a sexual

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Speaker 1: people can and do have healthy relationships, some of which

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Speaker 1: involves sex, some of which Joe, it's just all about

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Speaker 1: healthy communication. Again, we always harp on that, and also,

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Speaker 1: you know what what people want and m and that

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Speaker 1: varies from from person to person, and so a lot

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Speaker 1: of these comments also reflect just real ignorance. Oh here's

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Speaker 1: a fun one. But I heard you have really long orgasms. True, true,

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Speaker 1: very true. Again, doesn't underline sexuality. There's a person involved

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Speaker 1: in this, and it's me. There, it is there, it

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Speaker 1: is Um Then I get the follow up, doesn't that

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Speaker 1: mean you're horny and therefore want sex? No? No, I

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Speaker 1: want this orgasm time with myself and that's it. I mean,

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Speaker 1: this is part of like trying to unders stand sex

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Speaker 1: in general and sexuality and how a person's body works.

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Speaker 1: I think that's an fathomable idea that you can pleasure

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Speaker 1: yourself is so shocked. Again, Yeah, we've had the mini

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Speaker 1: a conversation that in two men believe women cannot orgasm,

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Speaker 1: and that's a whole different thing in itself and makes

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Speaker 1: me sad for them and their partners if their partners

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Speaker 1: female or identify as female. But like, yeah, what, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's a whole big can of worms that we'll probably

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Speaker 1: have to come back to. And we've talked about it before,

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Speaker 1: but sort of the needs of the body and all

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Speaker 1: of these social messages and stuff we've attached to sex

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Speaker 1: and romance and love, which yes, I also get, but

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Speaker 1: don't you need sex? No good, I'm good. Oh I

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Speaker 1: love this, but it's unnatural. You're like a lizard. I

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Speaker 1: too have seen Godzilla, but no, no, that's a different

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Speaker 1: version of the word asexual. I would have got over

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Speaker 1: my head, like I don't like what. I guess that

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Speaker 1: a little bit about like after I think, but originally

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Speaker 1: i'd be like, huh yeah, because well, you know me

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Speaker 1: and Godzilla. I don't actually don't. I don't know if

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Speaker 1: we've had this conversation. I think I knew it in

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Speaker 1: reference to a co worker, but not to you specifically.

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Speaker 1: But anyway, I keep going, Okay, well, in the movie

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Speaker 1: that is not very good, but I loved it when

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Speaker 1: I was a kid. Uh. They mentioned that Godzilla is

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Speaker 1: a sexual reproduced a sexually, and the woman character says,

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Speaker 1: but where's the fun in that? So some people thought

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Speaker 1: a sexual meant that. Yes, here's another one. I get.

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Speaker 1: I'll be patient with you, baby, No, I'm good applying

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Speaker 1: like you'll wear me down over time? Right. No, again,

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Speaker 1: this comes back to enthusiastic concern. That's not it. Hey,

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Speaker 1: person who said that if you are listening once again,

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Speaker 1: you need to back off because you've made a lot

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Speaker 1: of people uncomfortable and you are kind of a predator.

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Speaker 1: You know. It makes a skin crow because it's like

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Speaker 1: implying that that's But the other part of this is

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Speaker 1: that's all you needed is someone to be patient with you, right,

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Speaker 1: and like the idea that they think that's sexy. That's

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Speaker 1: so demeaning. Who aren't go away? Thank you? Go on

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Speaker 1: International and sexuality Days. How care you another one? I

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Speaker 1: get a lot that we've talked about before. It's made up.

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Speaker 1: You just don't like sex. No, I mean maybe maybe

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Speaker 1: I don't like sex, but not made up, right, so

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Speaker 1: you're not personally identifying these things. Then it's made up. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's that's how that works. Okay, Well, it's also going

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Speaker 1: back to it's kind of the same idea as that

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Speaker 1: you know you can't get anybody. It's sort of implying

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Speaker 1: like you can't no one will have sex with you.

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Speaker 1: Are also that you just frigid and won't have sex

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Speaker 1: with anybody, right, neither Tea. This is making me tired. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: shocking that people want to argue with you because they

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Speaker 1: don't understand something and to try to roll over and

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Speaker 1: over explain these to you for something they don't understand.

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Speaker 1: So instead of asking questions, I'm telling you why you're

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Speaker 1: wrong because they can't stand not knowing right, and they

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Speaker 1: just assume the world looks this way and you're wrong,

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Speaker 1: and I'll tell you why you're wrong. A lot of this,

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Speaker 1: and I'm sure you're familiar with this, Samantha. I bet

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Speaker 1: a lot of listeners that are comes from that, like

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Speaker 1: very patriarchal vibe of I'm doing you a favor by

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Speaker 1: telling you this, like they think they're legitimately gonna change

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Speaker 1: my mind, like they're helping me out right. But the

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Speaker 1: other part of this is this doesn't affect them. You

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Speaker 1: being sexual doesn't affect them, So why are they doing

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Speaker 1: working so hard putting out that extra effort to change you?

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Speaker 1: But again, even if let's say you were to say, Okay,

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Speaker 1: maybe I do enjoy sex with like, not that that's happening.

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Speaker 1: Now that's the thing. That's not a thing. But I'm

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Speaker 1: saying that was even the case. It's not like you

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Speaker 1: want to go, oh you you changed me, Let me

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Speaker 1: be yours again. Grows go right, you're right, I just

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Speaker 1: needed your big dick. No, I doubt and don't ever

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Speaker 1: say that to anybody. Yeah, it's also interesting again, like

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Speaker 1: these are unsolicited comment the backhanded. I didn't get it

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Speaker 1: this year, but I've gotten before the backhanded. It's a

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Speaker 1: shame you're so pretty Uh so this is a loss.

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Speaker 1: What a waste? Yeah, what a waste? What a waste? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I did get some of that, not like for other things.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, god, all right, here's the last one. If

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Speaker 1: only I could be aced, but a last I like

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Speaker 1: sex too much. I don't know how you do it. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So this one is tricky because I actually get the

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Speaker 1: sentiment because, as I said, I too sometimes wish I

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Speaker 1: wasn't a sexual and I think the grass is greener

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Speaker 1: on the other side. Or I'm curious what all the

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Speaker 1: fuss is about around sex, But just being careful how

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Speaker 1: you word it, because it can sound very much like

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Speaker 1: I'm in a zoo and or you still view me

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Speaker 1: as a natural abnormal or that I'm making some weird

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Speaker 1: choice that you don't get like the and yeah, like

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Speaker 1: that's the black and forth is that people think this

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Speaker 1: is a choice instead of something that is it exists

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Speaker 1: within you. And sure it would be easier for so

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Speaker 1: many things. And I know I've heard this throughout, like

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Speaker 1: to not have to deal with the battles like this

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Speaker 1: and whatever it is called quote unquote normal, um so

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Speaker 1: that you don't feel like your mother in that level,

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Speaker 1: Like there's definitely layers to that, and absolutely and yeah,

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Speaker 1: being a little too like it kind of goes and

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Speaker 1: hopefully we'll make this a little kind of series. But

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Speaker 1: having Asian having non Asian people being like, oh, I've

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Speaker 1: always wanted to be darker, or I wish I could

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Speaker 1: have that hair, or man, I've always loved Korean culture

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Speaker 1: dada like it's kind of like, yeah, you're obviously telling

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Speaker 1: me that I'm different from you. Therefore, like that you've

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Speaker 1: definitely me here, And I don't know what to do

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Speaker 1: about that, because am I supposed to take this as

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Speaker 1: a compliment or am I supposed to be on unnoticed

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Speaker 1: that you see me view me differently, right, right, right, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's just I think that a lot of those things

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Speaker 1: can be well intended, but you honestly just be very careful, right,

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Speaker 1: just be careful, and you know you can have like

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Speaker 1: I've I've had a conversation with my friend about this,

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Speaker 1: and like it was I thought a fruitful conversation because

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Speaker 1: I don't think she meant meant it how it sounded

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Speaker 1: and when you talked about it, and now she's like

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Speaker 1: and I heard her talking with someone else about it,

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Speaker 1: so you know it's great. Well, I mean, like you

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Speaker 1: and I when we were first talking and talking about sexuality,

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Speaker 1: when we started about our mini series, we had a

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Speaker 1: whole conversation and I had to have a breakdown of like, okay,

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Speaker 1: talk to me about this because yeah, because also, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I worked in trauma and we were kind of talking

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Speaker 1: about trauma in general, and then we talked about our

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Speaker 1: personal relationships. So we had to have a breakdown and

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Speaker 1: I had to have a better understanding, and I definitely

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Speaker 1: learned a lot more since then. But of course it

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Speaker 1: had to be where you were comfortable and willing to

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Speaker 1: talk about it instead of me comeng as a stranger

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Speaker 1: being like, all right, tell me everything right about you

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Speaker 1: and teach me something. So there's so many levels of like,

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Speaker 1: if you don't know them personally, this is offensive and

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Speaker 1: you've already showed yourself as other ring And yes, hopefully

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Speaker 1: that won't be a word that people catch on and

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Speaker 1: saying it's cliche and it's webinized. But that is a

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Speaker 1: thing and you need to be cautious of it. Yes. Well,

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Speaker 1: as Samantha said, we're thinking about turning this into a

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Speaker 1: little series, you know, things not to say. I will

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Speaker 1: say like this, this all sounds terrible. It is, but

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Speaker 1: I did get a lot of really nice comments. I'm

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Speaker 1: really sweet, and I really really appreciated it because it

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Speaker 1: can be scary to be open about that stuff. Um.

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Speaker 1: So thanks to the listeners who sent that and um

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Speaker 1: and continue to support and yes, all the a sexual

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Speaker 1: people in our listenership. Happy internationally sexual day to you,

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Speaker 1: Happy day. Yes, thanks as always for listening. If you

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Speaker 1: would like to contact as you can or emails Steffidia

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Speaker 1: mom Stuff at ihart media dot com. You can find

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Speaker 1: us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast, or on Instagram

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Speaker 1: and Stuff whenever told you. Thanks It's always to our

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Speaker 1: super producer Christina Yes. Thank you Christina Yes, and thanks

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Speaker 1: to you for listening stuff. Whenever told these pectures I

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Speaker 1: Hart Radio for more podcast on my Heart Radio, I

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Speaker 1: heard do you have Apple podcast or ever you listen

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Speaker 1: to your favorite shows